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i^^^^K ^^^^H 


^^^^^^^^K ^^^^^^^1 

^^^^B. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^■n 

I r 



yrcKAMpiohr OP EirqiiAKX^ 








Q( manj times they jousted in the lists, 

^ Municipal and Parliamentary, 

All lists that open for all tonrnament, 

Sir Wilfrid the Permissive, known besides 

As the Prohibitory, or — two names 

Of counter-mean iDg in cross meaning joined — 

As the Permissive and Prohibitorj, 

And he, the Wittier-warrior, stout Sm Bung» 

For once Sir Wilfrid, in Caerleon, 

Holding high feast with his Teetotallersi 

Had sworn to lay Sm Buno low in the listSi 

And after take him captive, and in hoods 

Bind hand and foot, for his Teetotallers 

To make their mock, and wreak their will of him. 

And now^ through all the land wajs blown the shock 

Of hobby against hobby, steel on steel, 

And trumpet answering trumpet, throats of braRs, 

Either defying other, and both Truth 

And Sense and Logic, for what strengths are these 

In the encounter of such opposites 

To stand, and not be trampled in the dust ? 

High-seated, with one hunch prone-beaked before, 

Clad in red samite, mjsiic, wonderful^ 

And one behind, trp-lilted, Pcncfi, the King 
Of that great joust, and all tlie jousts that are 
Or have been, or shall be, on English ground. 
The Kmg tliat knows, as none but he hath known. 
With knowledge baffling knowledge to say when , 
Or where, or whence, or how he camo by it, 
Betwixt opposing edge?, points opposed, 
To fling hia warder^ that, so flung, compels. 
In spite of melee-madness, clash of brass, 
And ranks that ride a outrance against ranks, 
Wrath to good-will, and good to better will. 
And better will to best— a blameless King, 
Knowing his knights, the length of each man's foot, 
And each man's head, and how to handicap, 
Another Rous and yet a better Rous, 
Their hobbies for encounter, in the lists 
At Westminster, when on the tower the light 
Flares, and the Speaker, spent, nods in his chair, 
Twixt stuffiness above and stuff below, 
Bude-Iights and boredom, and all men, save Ponch, 
Wax wild for wilfulness and weariness. 




[June 27, 1874. 

Wherewith the tea, or what men drink for such 
Bj Chinaman's permission, is infused : 
And all the surcoat coyering his steel. 
And all his horse's housings that o'er-swejpt 
His limbs from frog to forehead, were set thick 
With pumps emblazoned azure, and to each 
Its spout and scroll and legend ** Cold without." 
Sib BuNa displaced three spiggots on his shield, 
Issuant proper with both ^ale and brown, 
Surcoat and housings broidered both " Hot with." 
'Nimble Sib Wilfrid was, cunning of fence, 
And quick to out and parrj, thrust and guard. 
But, for he rode his destrere without rein 
Or curb, Sib Buhg had him at ayantage. 
And knew it, and was more than a match for him, 
For all his beefier bulk and wheezier breath. 
Three times thej clashed, and once Sib Wilfrid bore 
Sib Bung to earth, but up he rose again. 
And buffetted Sir Wilfrid, caught again 
His steed, and sprang to selle, with timelj aid 
Of Cross his Squire, and while the tilt-jard rang 
With shouts of " Hot with ! " and «' A Bung ! " charged 

And smote Sir Wilfrid fair upon the shield 
And wrenched^him backward, till with a great heaye 
He scarce recovering, straightway to his sword 
Betook him, and Sib Bung too drew his blade, 
For the arbitrement of mortal strife. 
For " Sooner death," he said, •* than in thy Hall 
Of Exeter or of Caerleon, 

For thee and thy Teetotallers to be 

A plaything and a pastime, and to sit 

Fettered with law-fast hours and fenced with rales — 

But PuNOH, who saw their Jbittemess, arose. 

And flung his warder 'twixt the oombatants. 

And with a Ho ! ftaid strifid, and spake to them, 

" Both worthy, both unwise, both wrong, both right ', 

t)runkenne8s is an evil. Liberty 

A good ; but shall that eyil on thai good 

Be turned to quell that good, when 'tis the good 

Should quell the eril ? Foe to Liberty 

la Licence — not for that be Licence used 

As cause of war with Liberty; Liberty 

Should rather control Licence, till, controlled. 

She ceases to be Licence, and becomes 

A friend to Liberty, md not a foe* 

But now break (^ your strife. Lo, I haye here 

Beysl reward Ibr prowess — not for you 

Alone, for all good lances, knightly blades 

On earth, I hnng it " 

So he disappeared 
In his payilkm. 

Then with a great blast 
Of brass, and dash of bells from steeples round. 
And roar sf Woolwich Infants, dark, deep-yoioed. 
Broad-breeched, black-muzzled, the payilion swung 
Its curtains back, and therein stood reyealed. 
With Punch that over-leapt it, lance in rest — 
VOL. SIXTY-SIX to an admiring world ! 

WKflt UtMdtmu WUHm end PfrldnM an diutiuitiff fprive Schod-Soard mntters ant r«i rUtitt^/tiia*^ fHi*in^*>, their rttpedivi Hu^atidt are mgngtd »ii a tcpk laort ^aml to (hiir ti^er 

" Iki't uhk a DAnuya Fet» Fbed I Ajvd jvat finct-two frokt tkkth. msd oslv pour months last rrjc5D^r irsBKf ' 

" WtiL, I NErERf I Wiiv, Mr TtxKuyo icklk Totty rasw't cut a si^uui. Tooth, a3*d HE*i Six Moxtus tomorrowt \ How do top Pk«d ke9, TcMfT* 


Tnov b:iNt n.j l.ii-rfwln\-, to call 

bar mnd Jnntuny, rloWts wbiuh ticcp out of litllo lioda i ' 
moM. with wicker fniuicti, tnay (iq *omi lilitamUiir iiU ah 
tho bank* uf Loml^ird SU-eot 

What PniNCts Smokil— R^^Um. 


"BBit>S'CAKt or Wcrtmlnftter 
Abbey r 

"See, my Son, bow oaaUy tbe 
world in bttmbi^f^wL" 

*' Above all, no vooi'* 

*• After inc, the Income-tax*" 

•' t*Av«i uio fnim my diiim " 

'* Hume waa ot»t built in 
tweiify-foiir htnijii " 

" rropcrty bAs lU tAAOt lu 
woU lu ite mloA." 



t«ir« biiii Utt^itiJcU lui tu i<c»« our 

1 a f»>mMH 
]< t Ulud niMU 


l^ ii*» i*rtrvtd<.d htm 

Wil.. 'iU," 

e«ftai»Ti ] 

Tfitw mlfi^fm^^l'T well 

K,K»rr.Ra — Put ymir wiwbiDj^ 
ottt. If yn«i riA not. VirUh your 



r tho 


TnsaK'a ouo frvs ibatou^bt 
to W 1P»U oft lor bMk-the Dog. 

V.iTc ion IfAmTiyjiAti.—la m 
y - hon it uo lit Mar- 

lilv i.ADi d EhohjOI — \Lild Li 
otdy If uif tp«!t wrongty. 


i( u Miitl I».ig wun tho Xk 
tvmikl It )k> ciirroot tit term 
foat A "rabid Mi (tt horN«t 



Two, F 

I ftit>t i*/ii C'it'nf ii'poj^ fi'rtin fi iri-*a/ Mttimg <il h< 
. rrTKfiN Six— FAiit EioiiT— Nofs'dii Niak ' 

.^TiVfrC HflATin -TiiivU 

You V 

£tt>T*NV ANT* A<^UUi 

cUuioti by Cfittou ill Ihc OfiT^ 

frTUVoT.-'^ir- — TIjO 1*1, 

'11j'1« LI i- >A n'> niL::itir 

that yuiir only ]»igmlei(i »rc 

Axiom iv»* Tun KfTcnt 
TbiriKM nilAKHl ugidtut a (f 

CBAMFjinyt t*) bo dttinl 
% Ijtwii— *' Mow4t ; " imd s 
you've dnlelied one bottUv 
for natim «i»o«irr. 

Tmk TiTMors* AM lis, I'ra- 

of our f««tberud Yoc I , i i , 

Lurx ANt" ti*ir — ijLtvo IS mightier ttrjii l4;iWj Imt I^iw 
often kills Lure, n'his i4 from Uur AntiCirnuiihiul C<:uTd* 


8AfiJ n «.',i!f iinhi .uj A)*-, 


pendud nii Gontltmien'M ' 
can Imi more »uit.iblfl for .l 


TwESTTV-Krinni or Ma?,— tJnivorslty Ken ••! 


;'jfr«ti ^u Nefihev i»Am H'iZ, ttitd w ttp t.i fc** .^^(Jl(« «n IV^at^r). "1 »AV, Joiix, DO TOP Kkow vui u AJoai LL.tJi.-*!" 
■ idMl " LiKB OLD Boora !" UwU, '* Bot I What'b to bk DojtiT" 



fftir parttng rioul 
fftf goljltfer ??tr6fnri 


$even Seokk Sekdolmiiirtti ivlritin(f lom* ^ffftUhFriendi). 




Do 70U oary the Critic who has to raad 
the oew noveU of tbo woolcT 
pu 70a envy the OOiciol wh>j Las to gfo 
tough all tbo comodivs, tnigcilic«. 
CM^ melodTAmjUp p(^&toiuliJie<<, ntiti 
lietqueft^ which are brought out on tbo 
igo In tho course of tbo yt:.4r? 
w> you envy tho Householder who baa 
aitry to the light of him, doga to tho 
t of him, a ifareot much favoured by 
rbesrmoa^n U* th« rear of him, and n 
mo with s mwdcMil funily opposite to 

Po Tou envy your neighbour DufKinn^ 
tth nil four boys all ».% homo for tho 
trurtQiiia hoUdAys, and two yoiiuif 
iDad« with themT 

Do you envy Princes, PnJkomou, Prima 
Iniitein, Footmen, Editon, Head Mciv* 
ra, and Omnibua Cuuductum ? 


Am tho dAy« are gtetUs^ in, 
Tbero *re people who gnw thin ; 
WhtM tho diijR ore getting out^ 
Other pooplo then grow atout. 

A RBAli Hcao^^'riiink for :i roontent of 
At man's perils rn -fH' Th« 

frican traveller en h tbeiu: 

le Arctic Explorer i ; to oqunJ 

lem. Hi* hod i^at upt>u tijaina, atot^i 
I the verge of a preaip[u«, fuiien be- 
roen two Atooli boon riveted to tbo 
lot, gone through firo and water, flutiM' 
Imoou into the hr«iu:h. niieed a stonn in 
te««niD, bearded a lion in hia den, taken 
bull D/ the homa, gone oii wlldgrKiAn 
laaea, played with cdgcd-took, cut 4>(f 
ia noio to aplto hit fuco, burnt hut 
3gcra, atood betwoen two firoa, pavcal 
Itt way, broken the ice, atrained every 
BfTo to Til'^v i'lKj (iiuowii of war. and Jo/t 

9 Hit t 

i ijy gain tho aummit of 
Idjft time wo heard at 
. the gauntlet and 
if a dilemma, ho 
. and was then 
t tho frying-pnn 

leaping fr*.^ 


rffparingto > 

ito the Are. 

A TouTHPfTi Attaobxint. — OtlF gToon- 

boor and head-waiter, who la an old 

lolMlar« oonfeooea that hft- raa cxncse tn 


Ooehnty Spai-tintfj Oent, ** Bui I thiitk rr *e a *Sk t " 


FilOM the KfUMJsitinoE^s. with an in- 
viliitiaa to dinner, T^•huh tbo expoHonott 
of luiiny wii.i ' 1 will be fomijil, 

heavy, and I i in its inrau, 

aud myatoti c^i 

From the ut. : . he. " At 

Home," wbero y' with f»u 

ftnc yi 11 Vnnvr', fx-a \ you Will 

md oaly 
I he porith 
I for Niimo 
lU return 
J the pA4t 
i.h >iit:t. 

From your CousCiv la Norfolk (a poat- 
(.vnid), aunouncinff th*tt in r^n^r^ifnie^of 
ri myflteriou* di-' ' ' m ido 

q^r&Jtt ravages »iii'. ho 

V 111 not ^tf jiblo . Ui« 

if UflG*THOB*it— the relict (1! 

, I A M p H— ( li k f ^ Lp<* 1 t »M'^! cftttl) 

tn . -iV tii. it :■■':- ' / . ' frOTU 

DU^ton to all 

night on TL ' . tho 

(iiusav Palmi R-i .H4a ivij uiLncr jui'jpioto 

l-VnTn tlbff TTicnmWfit of f^e P-irish of 

r. -' .■ .. ■ ' ' .^;|„g 


Kui-'.'.'n cxiiuipJLi vJi ttte -vrriLKJiique {Jtriod 
4 if architecture. 


fiiMn rv Itv.v-. ;! ud iiiiU: atiil tea; 

li-MK-'MO Tn 



tvu* in A ' 
unhinged, ti 
tbi« jftina and prcstrvcji^nid wltli tacL 
,.,,.... >^ Ltfiirn Katvia— All tl^ 
two irunlu arrivoa at the 

bornse be i 
tLeii the r 
Tow^ii '"•■' 
Let t\ ■ 

cle&rly ftue th«* ongin ot a " browu study,' 

Bihd. " Wa4T DEAUTirtJt Studi and Hn-rosB vou have, CotraiN CUABi.ei« I« it real Goal 1 " 



r\T^:T, r-, 

•r rY> r.tinn, <-,^ 

• tbfl fool 

' lUrt, 


0( U.' 



1 L- Vl', 



Tiir Vi-flpTtntr Wnntf*. 

II llul' 

J.M r,ll LUii, 

A 6fii:AT Ci-iuosiTir.— Wo «•« ac 
qtuuntcel vriih a KitualUtJc young I^dy 
who it fund of crtllectiri^ seiUs, fitamp^, 
iuoiDcu;ram«, devjcr-i, Ac. fihe U verj 
proud of ber latest ucquuiltiun— a fini 
ioipnMdiua fram ttio Seal of C^^nfcBAiua. 

OeoaiuPHiCAL.— Tbe Socioty liilandi 
ire iQ the Pacific Ocean ; the Omol 
Society lalinds nr^ inucb uearer borne. 

Ah iMPOttanui Ru^joisr*— To uak tuij 
one to ** rtop a mlziute/* 



Af<u£frfi/i5roim<l*(to<*tI>i?dw, wjko ritiflf a noted "/iMwr*"), « l# TOty^ Move a litti* runnrcR off wrrn that Bfc4M Baw o* yoors, S^^uilu, wt wtobt Hcar WW 
tit Hocifua 4JIJC 1 *' 


k B£jjj.T antbentlG ghost- story ifj^at now aenfionable, ftocordinfir 
to thm tittditioii of our anoGfltore, The comfort of a ChmtmaA fiie 
WIS, to their feelingif enhanced , perhapB, by tMnkinff of the ^hiMitB 
left out in the cold. Kow^ howerer, ghoita are said to oome fre^ 
quently in-doort. An apparitioii, ftnd something more than on 
apparitionf of one of those ffhosts that haimt drawing-rooma, and 
not chuTohyardfl, ii related m the SpiritualiMi of the 12th instant . 
On the Tuesday night preTions, present a distingniahed oirele, 
including the £ael and Countess of CAiTiimcsSf a siance^ aooording 
to our ghoBily oontemporary , was held at a Me. Coos's ; when there 
oocnrred the appearance and soene thus reported ;— 

** Thii eT0iung« at KiBS Gooe'd i^anM, daring the appeoituice of what 
nurported to b« the ipint * Eatii/ a maDf najned Volckil43?i rose up, gnuped 
ber round the woiit with both armi, and XneA^ to throw her down with Ms feet 
Us. Tapp and Ma. Cornir seised the maD who thui broke the eouditioni 
which we were aU admitted on tha undentamiing we would keep, * Katis* 
InnUntiy eztiiiiatad hanelf from hii clutcbet, and, aidsd by Ma. Luxmoorx, 
wai in a aumbnit back in the cabinet" 

Nobody yentured to follow " Kaite/* and look to see what beoame 
ol her in the " cabinet ; ** but :— 

'^ AllOT a ddlaj of about five minatei, during which EitiB giTe earoeit 
instniotioni to tho sittcrf, the cabinet wai openod, and Mii^iR Cook found in 
blaok dreia^ iiid boota^ with tha tape tightly niitened round her waijt, ai at 
th# bcfbuiiaf of the a4fmo$, the knot eealedi aa at fint, with the signet-ring 
^ the EAiU« or OAiTHjrsaa, and sewn underneath the seal with thready aa 
k had bean lewii before the *imc€ by Mn. LtmnooBi. The tape and seal 
an now in the poneuion of the ^aal or QAmiKsas." 

The narrative whenoe the foregoing paaaagei are extraoted is 
signed by eleren witaeases^ inoluoing the Eaj&l and CoinfTEss op 

^H M SI. CoojL then begon'to faint and the children to cry, the little brol 

^H the medium exnreidng the fear that * Floukib would die/ The cabinet 

^^H WM tilien openei^ and, after the tapea had been examined and removed, the 

^^P ladiM took the tufl^ning medium under their care," 

CaiTHirKas at tha head of them. To plaee its credibility beyond aU 
donbtf it is neoataary to ^ote a Httle further i-^ 

_ *' iLfter Katii oeaeed to ipeak, rnotna weie beard coming from her medium^ 
who locm afU'rwardt began to thri^k, and to ery out about ' bumiog * piiini. 

ther of 

Lastly, for the pTirpoie of rendering the sopematural element in 

the ocenrxenoe above related perfectly intelligible, must be added, 
with res^ot to the author of an auoaeioua ^outrage ** oil a gho»t, 
the aignihcant and ooncltisive information that : — 

** His &O0O had been scrat^^ the brief i^utBe/' 

What can possibly be eaid after that? Nothing, surely, more 
than that it proves to the olearest demonstration, respecting both 
the natural abd supernatural, the truth of the old saying, that 
^*' there is a medium in all things.^* 


To Eppte, Auce, AinfiBL Ehuy, Ai^ousta, Louisa, Florence, 
FAinrr, Marian, Minnie, Kosi, Lxuan, Mat, Geoegina, Janet, 
and Eleanob— Don't flirt. 

To Geoeoe, HjBifBy, Abthitb, Hubert, Habold, Ken>:st, Fee- 
debick, Philip, Pehcy. Chailles, Claiti), Robert, RtiuorAxn, and 
Walter (in jackets)— Don't eat too much« 

To M.P/s whose misfortune it ia to be obliged to address their 
Constituents at this festive season— Don't make too long speeches* 

To Her Majesty^a Ministers, when they assemble again after the 
holidays — Abolish the Inoome-tax, increase ealaries, pay off the 
National Debt^ keep up the Army and Navy in the highest state of 
effioienoy, satisfy the licensed Viotmallera and Total Abstainers, 
and please everybody. 

To Boards, Vestries, Parochial Authorities, and District Digni- 
tories-'Try and keep the streets and pavementa a little cleaner. 

To Eitualists— Don*t make yourselves too ridiouloua. 

To all punsters, jokers, and purveyors of riddles, conundrums, 
and ocrosUos— dan t tax the patienoe and forbearanoe of your Irit^nd^ 
too far. 

To amateur vocaliati of both sexes— the same appeal is addressed 
td you as to your last-mentioned contemporaries, with this addition^ 
don^t moke ezouses. 

To amateur dramatic performers — donH be too ambitious * and 
lewn your ports before yon appear on the stage of the ** Theatre 
Eoval JBack Drawing-Room." 

To all persons wno have received Christmas gratuities— don't 
relax in yonr attention and civility now that Boxing-Day is over. 

To tradesmen and others— don- 1 he in a hurry to send in your 






^Q. V?5S^ 




[Jantaby 3, 1874. 

THE YEAR 1873, 

DOFTiyG, partially, tlie entirely useless and exceBsiyely annoying 
cuatom which inducGS his oontemporariea to sijoil their Kew Year's 
Day issue with a recapitulation of the eyents of the past year» 
in lieu of the usual saholarl^, sugj^estiye, or smart leadinr? arttok^s. 
Mr, Punch devotes a portioa of his inyahmble Rpace t^ a brief 
but brilliant reference to the !eadin^ incidents of the last twelve 
months. With his usual conflideration and kindness, he begs tliat 
no person will pemae this contrary to his wish, but Mi\ Punch 
warns every person who omits to read what follows, that he mil 
never know wnat he has lost. Inappropriately quoting 

** He that is robbed, not. knowing what ii Atolcn, 
Lvt him Tjotknow it, he *b not robbed nt all,'* 

^H i^ ^^ /rH 9 tf^^^ wfefw V*^ 1B4 ^^^Sf r ^^' P*tnch now calls upon Mnemosyne to dictate' to Clio, and to 

^H Vt' ^**v^rf7 ^HdHl Vl) WJL A/^ JtX ^P^^^ distinctly and mind her stops : 

^V \ ■klLJ^iJf .f%fJ/i^^fttL 1^ /^Cc3^^>^/7 ^^ Holinosa the Pope discovered and announced hie own likenefts 

^^ ^^^^^^ ^ / ^iLfry^S^^^^^v^^ ^ /t-s- to ToBiTi and some persona who do not usually agree with His 

Holiness, approved this comparison, as Tobit became supernatural Iv 
blind for a season. The ChaU&iiqer discovered that the little tish 
called the Gouotryx lived deeper in the Ben than had been ttippoecd^ 
I and a delighted and firrateful universe buret into acclaraatiaB. The 

^^ pRiKCB OF Wales became what Tom Hoon called **ChaifTnan of the Glorious Apollos," that is, Master of the Apollo Lodg^ : and the 
^m Lord Cbxep Justice gave Ma, Oxslow and Mii. Whaixisy a tremendous wigging, and fined eaoh ol them £100 for their over 
^" zeal in the cause of their friend the ex -Claim ant. 

Convocation entirely smoothed the diiiicultics of those who disapprove the Athanaaian Creed, by declRrin|!' that it really meant 
nothing' but what we afl hold to be true, and that it is not at all menacing. All parties instantly embraced with a fervour that did 
them infinite honour, and this redtnUgraiio armris enabled Me. Gladstone utterly to floor Ma, Mllll, and execute a dance upon his 
remains. The Shah began to come, and became the most awful nuisance {it was not his fault, however), until he had visited Eng- 
land, had caused fathers and husbands more botheration than Persia itself is worth, and had gone away amid the roars of cannon and the 
execrations of Paterfamilias. All the hack prophets vented idiotic predictions about the Derby, which we need not say was won by a 
^_ horse which no one but Mr. Punch announced would be victor. The Alexandra Palace shared the fate of Persepolis after Alexander's 
^B Feast, Mn. Hawkins invited a jury to find the cx-Claimant guilty of jverjury. 

^V Out American cousins very properly polished off the Modocs, in spite of sentimental nlulation from folks who live very far out of 

■ danger from any sayageB. The Russians, having quite satistied the very good-natured Loan GiiAiNTiLLf: that they were going to war with 

Khiva only to punish offences, and would at once return, went to war. conquered, cleverly annexed an important region, and have 
left the very good-natured Lord Qeanville to explain to Poiliament that ne has been done. We held Hospital Sunday, and London 
behaved in a very mean way, the people at St. Panrs giving only £500. However, they elevated themselves by getting on the choirs 
to stare at the Pbince and Piu^cess of Walks, Mb. Folky^h noble statue of Outbam was placed near the York column, and 
excited the admiration of everybody, but before the year was out the work was taken away, to ^to India. 

Then we began to know that we were going to have an Ashontee war. This was in July. What has followed is &eah enough in 



fusvAKT 3, 1874.] 


Buy, but t 

IDS to follow, it ifl impossible to 

skill and yalour of Bra Gabjtkt 

uvu UL> ^d will eavQ tbem from the con- 

which 1j ^s lead ua to feiir* We invite 

: ly who oTTw rds to lay down the paper for a 

muiuent, and drink to 8ir Gxju^rr and his army in anything that is 

handy, Potalun vos salutant* Now to go at it again, pleasure first 

and busineeif afterwarde is a golden rule. 

A pleamng scene ocourred/in July, in the House of Lords. The 

T »r V 1 . ,F RicffMOiTD thought his relative, the Dxjke of St. Albaks» had 

u a fool, and the desoendants of LQmfl:B be la UrEBorAiLLE 

LKUfOB Gwnfy left it to the other Lords to aay who had 

It in wrong. We were delighted to hear that H,B.H. the Bcke op 

EDi^nuiiGH had woo the neart of the Russian Princess, and to 

reword him for his gallantry we made handsome settlements on the 

Tousg oottnle. In Ireland a murderer was not only convicted but 

hntiP-fil wbioh miracle made Db. Cr^iitiNo think that the end of 

1 was coming* Probably the railway people thought the 

i that it did not much matter what happened, for there set in 

d 6> sUm of the most tremendous slaughter of passengers, and though 

some of the catastrophes were worse than others, there has boen no 

real oeaaation of thus cami)aign against society up to the time at 

which we write. Then a miracle occurred in Scotlandj a merchant 

giving £500,000 towards Church Extension. 

About this time, August, Mr, Punch went out of Town, and 
ceased to trouble himsolf about any affairg except his own* He 
enjoyed himself by the sea-side very much* fished a good dcnl 
smoked many excellent cigars, and greatly improved the minds 
all who came in contact— not rudely — with him. He set a m^bk- 
example t« his species, he indulged himself in every way that 
oeonrred to him, but never sought to iniure or annoy otner persons, 
nnlesa Ihey irritated him hf acting, talking, dressing, or looking in 
any way that was displeasing to him. In fact he showed himseli 
the model which he haa been ever since July* 1841. 

He heard, however, that while he was away the Tiohbome case 
went on, that some American rascals were tried and convicted for 
enormous forgeries on the Bank, t^-* *' r P- * r -^^ i>^ ^.^-.-^.^ v ^^^ 
gone ad fiM{/«c»ri;ff— especially of ] ' 

sure hox^ had been discovered, li i u— „ ^ . i 

a Bourbon on the throne of France, and that they did not suocwd. 
and so, later, France ^oi a Dictator, and a very good one, the PrKK 
OF Magenta, At ' i worthy Catholics made a very ' ' ' S 
and lururioufl « , under the care of Mb. Coo 

shrine of St. Mu..-. ......mi -- "--^ ^r- p,,^^i ^-r.^ , 

happiness by conferring oi 1 

which they are more proud T i, 

received, amid plaudits, the bread-basket laid down by Ivomllly, 
and some of the Eton masters propo?»ed to dock the boys* comlorte 
unless the parents would pay 1 ' : i ieos, whereat there was a 
shout which was not exactly j' na, Mn. Meruy won at 

Doncaster, thus being victor in LviL>, Oaks, and St, Leger this 

Now, we wi^— do you want any more of this P Been—' - "^ r- ^,-~ 
it is as easy as possible to a man^we mean a L 
Punches miraculoufl memory, excellent pen (quill 
metals— the quill is the only implement for a gen* 
Magic Inkstand, warranted to make black ink for a I 
to pour out this sort of record until it is time to dress i 
But if yuu do not care about it, and would ratlier be ** p 
ir. n,n < ..i,.; of the hour, why, we will leave oil with incuu^vtv^uk 
I Joy. Who wants to know anything that happeaed a 
What says Mb. Cablylb ?— 

*^ Knt^w'st thdu well Yesterday, its um and reason, 
Workpft thou well To'day, for worthy things, 
Tlien calmly wdt To-morroVa hiddeti eeaaon, 
And fear not thou, what fate toe'er it brings.*' 





Ik those parts of England where the f oot;stei>9 of the Celt may still 
be traced, and the Anglo-Saxon element has failed, though oen* 
turiea have roOed awny^ to become thoroughly incorporated with the 
old Norman stock, it is considered positively unlucky to meet a 
piebald horse in a dark lane, between the hours of eleven and twelve 
on the night of the Slst of December, In districts where education 
lias not made rapid strides and no School Boards have as yet been 
established, the country people will go miles out of their way rather 
than encounter a quadruped of this variegated description on New 
Year's Eve. 

In the South Midland Counties, it is the invariable custom in those 
households where there are mere dark children than fair, to sus])end 
a horse- shoe, wrapped round with invisible green baize, over the 
front door as the clock strikes twelve ; and then for the whole family 
to retire backwards into the drawing-room reciting the four first 
roles m arithmetic. No inmate of the house whe is not a blood 

relation, is allowed to take part in this interesting ceremony, and the 
servants are locked up in the kitchen whilst it i:! in progress. 

In many country placea it is looked upon as a singular omen to 
have to play at cards on New Year's Eve with a person who deals 
left-handed. This prejudice has been handed down through man}^ 
generations, and those who watch the cuirent of events are of 
opinion that it mD never yield to the advancing tide of civilisation 
until the franchise in town and country is assimllatod. 

There are certain usages and oustoms connected with New Year's 
Day which should never bo neglected, if you do not wish to become 
prematurely bald, or to find your clotnes weariny out before you are 
ready to replace them, or to lose the respect and esteem of all who 
know you, during the ensuing year. Any book wliioh deals with 
Si.x)rts and Pastimes, or Popular Antiquities, or the Wisdom of our 
Ancestors, wOl give full detaiU of what it is indispensable to do on 
that day. All we can say here is to give a hint to those who have a 
turkey hanging up in thtir larder, that if the oook squints the bird 
must not be roasted, nor boUcd if she has red hair. Should she, 
unfurtunatoly, diaplay buth these persoaial defects, then all the 
authorities agree tnat a plain joint must be substituted*^if you do not 
wish the dustman, postman, turncock, lamplighter, baker, butcher, 
p^reengrocer, and newspaper- boy to forget to call upon ^'ou on the 
2Gth of December. 

In Essex, Cumberland, Cornwall, and in some parts of Hertford- 
shii'c and the Isle of Man, there is a cuiTent belief that if the first 
person you meet when you go out of doors on New Year's Day 
wears a white hat and a complete set of false teeth, and has the pupil 
of one eye larger than the other, you will be married (if single) 
before the year expires. 

Avoid Good Resolutions on New Year's Day* Ton are more 
likely to keep them if you do not make them* 


hx the Pall Mall Gazette of Christmas Eve you will find the 
following paragraph : — 

** Hoporting the hanqaet to Mo. HsiniT Bichard, M.P., in Paiia the night 
before lai^t. Uaiiffhani taya the diehet offered to the oompiiny were in perfect 
keeping with the object of the meeting, * the fnends of peaoe * being regftlcd 
with petita pkti& k I'Alubama, poulaides truffi£es i la Cobdun, bombes 
pacifi<iue8," «c. 

The foregoing examples of gastronomio nomenclature wiU bo 
generally, no doubt, admired for their neatness and felicity of 
expression, and their oongroity with the character of a feaiit of 
peaoemakers. The idea oipdtit J VAlahanm was happily conceived, 
and their name is suggestive. What should wo call those pdtSs in 
English F The best equivalent for pdtis d i^ Alabama would perhaps 
be that of *^ humble patties,*^ 











Two of Life 'b Stage», Art, at Christmas-tide, 
In print-shop windowB a« exhibited, 
Ib ever wont to imape— Youth and Age. 
Yoath as a fat, fimiliBg, or sleepiBg baboi 
Or else a toddlm^f pet^ emcLLl pirl or boy, 
Meek-f aoed and mild to a bBrleaqne degree. 
Ar^, b)' old men in second infancy. 
Who have out-liTed their vic^s and their wits, 
Bald, or with long white hair ix>mbed down their napes. 
These, shaking: hands, those ^ patting^ youngatera* heads, 
Thoae others, clinking eups. Decropit duff era. 
Old hnmbii(7S Bhammmg sad and solemn thought^ 
Bland, ^laoid resignatioD, and content ; 
Or glowinr radiant jjeniality, 
Exfjressea in imbecile alTected smiles, 
They look so basely good I Old women » teO| 
In varions aapecta of fatuity, 
Embod^r dotage. Oue erone sits and nods, 
Dozing in an arm-ohair, beside the Hre. 
Another, throtigh a pair of speotacles, 
Forea on the broad pafe of an open Book, 
Muoht evidently , comiorted therein 
By that blest word, *' Mesopotamia/' 
Into Buoh aged women and old men 
As these, such youth a« those will one day torn* 

These popular, pathetic portraitures, 
Which ctarm the many minds of s^wjony monld^ 
Provoke a strange repug^nance in your own, 
Prompttnjf, too strongly, plunge in wild exoesa 
And frontiG disaipationt It is best> 
From contemplation of these moying works. 
To rush away unto a pantomime, 
And list the Clown shout ** Here we are again ! *' 
And ** How d'ye do to-morrow ? '* and behold 
Outrageous acts of mad buffoonery* 

Open and undisguised ; in this brief world 
Of unavailing sentiment and sighB| 
Fooling, peinaps, the best when all is done* 

Smiles, aooompanied, however, by shakes of the head, mnat have 
been occasioned the other day by the subjoined paragraph, when 
it met the eyes of readers of the ftmtj* .• — 

** We hRTO Tcamn to believe that thcro is no foundation for the report pab- 
Uahed in the Nifw York IVww, and reproduced in our * Latest Intellitetice/ 
to the effect that the BritiBb Cosiul at the Havannah has been iastnioted 
imme^ately to assemble the Britifih Naval Coramandere in Cuban waters, as 
Ene:Iimd drmandd the puQishmeat of GsKBEAL BtasiML, the Governor of 

The idea of eren anppomng Her Majesty* s Oovemmant capable for 
a moment of entertaining the thought of sending such inEstructions 
aa those to the British Consul at Havannah, betrays a most ludicrous 
misoonoeption of the ohoraoter of a Ministry which cuJculates the 
couBequences of a spirited policy and counts tne cost* 

Geneeai. BiTRRiEL is responsible for a most atrocious massacre 
of several British aubjects. But what if the Cuban authoritiea were 
to reject a demand made by the British Naval Commanders in Cuban 
waters for the pnmihment of Genibsal Bukhikl? The British Naval 
Commanders would hav« either to put up with the refouU^ or to 
bombard Havannah. In the f onnar case, iney would atoluiy them- 
selves and their country : in the latter, their aotion might embroil 
us with Spain. It is Inoky for Oxnisbal Buuxel, or for the 
Havannah people, that Cuba ia the depemdenoy of a State still, 
though diatraotod with civil war^ capable, as an enemy, of ^vinff 
trouble, instead of being such another kind of territory aa an lalaad 
of aaTages in the Sonth Pacitic. 

Maovahihoits Maxim. — Never give a Clratmas-hox to any 
imdecling who haa it not in Ms pawar to ipite you* if he ohooaes, 
hy neglecting your buainesa* 









jAin7ABT 3, 1874] 



(The Great Harae Trial at Clxtmber's.) 

EAIXT, CLITMBEBis astonish- 

ed to see Trott. Trott is 
cheeryand grood-hnmonred 
with Clxtmber, who. how- 
ever, eyes him sulkily. 

Unusually deaf, too, 
Clumber appears to he 
this morning:. If he'd 
only seen us over his wire 
window-hlind, and hadn't 
heen standing at his own 
door^ he'd have gone up 
to his hedroom and sent 
the squinting Ostler to say 
"Not at home." 
But we caught him. 
I am sure he is now me- 
ditating his line of con- 
duct : — 

First. Shall he say the 
horse isn't in? 

Secondly. Shall he say 
that his Father-in-law 
won't part with it ? 

Thirdly. Or that the 
"gentleman in Devonshire 
who's heen sweet on her 
this ever so long" has 
written to say that he '11 have her for seventy down P 
Fourthly. Shall he put up the price ? 

This occupies his mind while he is nutting his hand up to his ear, 
and shaking his head, to imply that no can't make out what I 'm 

What I have heen saying is, simply, " Here we are ahout the 

Of course he ought to know, at once, what we 've come for. He 

He decides on risking it, and orders Squinting Tou— [Happy 
Thought.— Good title for somethmg— /S'^m^'wj Torn of Coventry. 
Note for Christmas Book]— to " fetch out the little mare." 
'* Fine morning, Mb. Clukber^" says Trott, pleasantly. 
" Hey P " returns ClxtmbeBi putting his hand to his right ear. 
Trott takes the hint, goes round Clumber, and arrives at his 
left ear. 
Good idea this of Trott's. Can't hoth he deaf. 
This strategio movement so takes Clxtmber hy surprise that when 
Trott says, always most pleasantly, 

" We 've come over to have a look at this little mare of yours," 
Clxoiber replies, instantly, 
*' Ah, yes. Well I you'U like her. She 's first-rate." 
Another notion has now evidently struck Clttkber. It is, as a 
Bort of 
Sappy Thought. — Get the hotter of Trott somehow. 
Cluiiber hrightens up. 

" You 've had a longish drive," he says. ** Won't you take some- 
thing P G4ve you a first-rate glass of— um— um— heer." 

If Cltjmber^s idea is that every man has his price, and that Trott's 
is heer, he has clearly mistaken his man. 

Perhaps his first notion was a five-pun' note. Then, perhans, the 
chance A his heing sold himself hv a hrolher in the trade flashed 
across him, and he suhstituted in his mind the offer of a gflass of 
wine," which would hegenerous, hospitahle, friendly, and might, if 
strong port, ohfuscate !I%ott. Then it clearly occurred to him that, 
for purposes of ohfuscation, heer would do as well, and would save 
expense. And so, through indecision and stinginess. Clumber has 

The Horse h brought out hy Squinting Tom, who stands, as usual, 
at her head^ looking about in aU oirections at once. 

Sfoeer, m his apron and shirt-sleeves, looks in from next door. 
He enters oheerilv, prepared to feel sure to congratulate me on my 
purchase, and, when I ve gone, to say to Clxjmbbr, ** Well, I helped 
you to sell the horse* You 'd never ha' done it without me. How 
much ? " And then there would, probably, have been a row. 

Sfoebe's smile subsides when ^e sees Trott. Spoxxr looks at 
Clitmbee, but Clum:bee won't acknowledge his presence, which, I 
pee, disoouragte Spoktb considerably. 

ULUMBiB rubs his ohin, and eyes Trott's proceedings. So do L 

For me this is gaite a lesson in horse examination ; and, hv ob- 
serving Trott, and asking a few questions, I shall be able to Know 
what to do next time, by myself, without Trott's aaaistanoe. 

First, Trott is stem with the Ostler. "Stand him on level 
ground, my man," says Trott. roughljr. 

Ostler, evidently having failed in ms first attempt at deception, 
whatever it may nave been, humbly obeys. 

'* A little more forward into the light, my man," says Trott, 
almost savagely. 

The way he says " my man," must 1m most irritating to the 
Sgmnting Ostler, I 'm sure Clitmber doesn't like it. 

Trott eyes her all over ; stands in front of her, displacing the 
Ostler for a minute^ and looks along her sides, from the nose, as a 
starting point of view, api^arentlyto see if she 's stoaight. 

I am just about to ask nmij ** What do you do that for P " when 
it occurs to me that, if I do, it will seem as though I differed from 
him as to his method, and this would bring in Clxtmber ft Go., who 
would all say, jeeringly, ** Ah, yes I what do you do that for f '' 

Happy Thought.— Ask him afterwarda— all alone, privatehr. Note 
in Mem. Book.—*' Why did he do thai f ** 

Trott opens her mouth, and takes a searching look at her teeth. 
He, evidentlv, as a doctor, has an eye, too. for ner tongue. Trott 
knows what he 's about. Glad I brought Trott. 

Then he takes off his hat, and shades the mare's left eye with it, 
and he repeats the operation on the right eye. He inspects both 
eyes carefully. 

Odd I I should never have thought of this. Perhaps the animal 
is blind as a bat, or going blind. 

TitOTT doesn't apeak to anyone. 

H(>k^niE moment. " Waitmg for the Verdict." 

lie Ueh the l«^s, he examines the knees. He lifts np the feet, 
for« and hind (dangerous part of his business tius), and, after 
pasaing^ hia hand ovoxher quarters (I think they're called ** ouarters," 
htitf arithmetically, they occupy a third of the horse from nis tail to 
the beginning of the fall in his back), he whispers to me, myste- 
riously, what wunds like, " Splinter — off— fore. '^ 

I nm ^lad I brought Trott. 

How .shotild J have found out that she had got a splinter in her 
off fore-leg ? I 've had a splinter in my hand oef ore now, and it 's 
very painful. In one's leg it would most likely cause lameness. 
How did she get itP By falling against a gate, or against some 
wood in the stable, or an unfinished shaft in harness ? 

Mem.— Ask him afterwards. 

" Run her out," says Trott. 

Shegoes through these performances, and then Trott says to me^ 

** Would you Eke to throw your leg over her P " 

I understand him to mean, would I like to ride her P Well— um 
—yes— only, I remember, I haven't ridden for three years; and I 
say—'* I haven't oome prepared for riding." By this Imean that I 
am not in cords and boots. 

" Better," says Mr. Trott ; "just to see if she satisfies you." 

It looks so absurd for a man, who has come to buy a norse for 
riding and driving, no< to try her by riding and driving her. that I 
accept. With a sporting air, I say, carelessly, "Very well. I'll 
just chuck my leg over her." 

Feel in a cold shiver. When I am " chucking my leg over her," 
I wonder what she '11 do P Horses are such inteUigent creatures that, 
by the time I've been on two minutes, she'll be sure to discover 
that I haven't ridden for three years. 

Wish I could withdraw. 

I say to Clxtmber, in a tone implying oontemptuous indifference 
for anything any horse may attempt with me, " She 's quite quiet, 

"duite," says Clxtmber, who is beginning to have a better 
opinion of Trott. 

Happy Thought.— To ask Trott, quickly and privately, "What's 
the good of my riding her, if she 's got a splinter in her off fore-leg 
or foot P " 

Trott replies, " Why. if she suits you in every other respect, I 
shouldn't think much of that.** 

Ahl but I do. 

Here she is, saddled. Usual difficxdirir about stirrups. Always 
seems, whenever I get into a fresh saddle, that a Life Guardsman 
has been using it just before me. After some alterations I say 
it's "AU right." At least, as " aU right" as I shall be for the next 
ten minutes. 

Happy Thought.— Walk her at first. 

Must try her walk as well as any other pace. On the whole, 
toalking is what I should be most particular about in a horse. She 
walks well. Somehow, she seems to have got a long and loose neck, 
that goes up and down, and she has a way of looking from aide to 
side, as though, when I'm off my guard, she intended doing some- 
thing that will rather suiprise me. 

Mppy Thought.— Sit tight. Don't be " off my guard." 

Clxtmber, Trott, Spoker, and Ostler are standing at stable-door, 
watching me. 

Wonder what they 're saying? 

Should imagne it not complimentary. 

Mxist try a trot« « 



[Jaxoabt 3j 1874. 


Mamma. *' So jror, MACKiii^ tou ukdekstam* all tbb Stoet of Lot'* 
Wjtb—don't you f * 


THAT isjr'r MADS OUT 09 Ladixs.** 


Thx Officers of Law and Order, Uid PoUoey &t this 
time of thfi year, are wont, hnperaoiuiled in iU the 
wioufl paniaiiiime&. to be upheld to tha Mmol and 
veoemtioii of the BiiUsh Public. On th# mji% thev 
reoem what oertam blockheads who sui^toM *' ovation ' 
to hayo nmiothmg to do with eggs, would eaU ** a nightly 
OTaikiQ,'* but for the oiroimistanoe that they aro uaoally 
pelted, not with eggs^ but with vegetabka* A voyage 
on the riyeiti cm QSiB of the late fine dayi, from T^am^iwi 
Brid^ to Waterloo in a penny steamer, attested the ex- 
traorainuT mildnegs of the season, and brought into 
view a Tnanies Polioe Station. This suggested the 
possibilitT of an improvement, in the way of addition 
and novelty, on the customary pantomimic exhibitioD of 
the Polioe. Occasion mi^ht be taken to introduce, in 
Bome MsoA suitable to their agener, a number of a<|uatic 
poUoeBtfln distinguished by peouliaritiGs indioativa of 
deaign and adaptation to an amphibiona eziitanoe. 
Thare is also a fluTiatile officer of ^ Comatniftion of 
London, who. if exhibited in oonneotion with th« Thames 
Polioe, would, no doubt, afford amusenent. Good fim 
oould unquestiouably be got out of ^ Water Bailiff, 
represented as organised after a fashion m^mmably 
nutable to his officiid life. Both the Wat^r Bailiff and 
the Water Polioe present themselves to the eye oif imng^i- 
nation as a sort of Mermen, having lower extremitit^ 
analogous to those of fishes or s«ds ; thna exhibiting 
afiinitiea to the finny or the fiappery tribot. Their 
function mav be oono^ved to be principally that of 
swimming after loose fish. The idea of Water Babies 
was pret^ and graoeful in a high denee, to whioh a 
proportional amount of merriment wouli not Ml to bo 
oreated by effectively dramatiaing Water BoblibBf. 


AX0KG9T the brakes and bushes, 

A walkun Christmaa Dav, 
The song and mizzel thruahea 

I heard both sing away. 

The mildnesa of the saaaou 

It was as made *am aing, 
oourae that stands toreaaoiu 

They thought as how 'twas spring. 

Now let us tap our barrels, 

So merrv we will be, 
While Mros sings Christmas oarols 

On top o» many a tree. HAwrarcH. 

Kow, how to get her into a trot without hitting her with the whip 
thay 'vB given me which would only make har irritable — or, with* 
out ionemng her ** quarters," whioh might make her kick, and then 
CLUMaBB ft Co* would 6«« me ooma off, or wy nearly,— or without 
saving ^* tchk " to her, which might startle her. 

I give her her head. Shemakeanse of it tostretohher ]i0ok|asif 
she were stretching out her ohin and pooh-poohing iMf aad iIm only 
walks more leisurely* 

I muti toueh her with the whip. 

Now, then« I must stick my kne^ in firmly, feel that I 'm like a 
roek in the saddle, and th«n touch hei^-very gently. 

I ^0 ; and am prepared for rearing, kicking, ahyinf— inything. 

Not a bit. She takes no notice of it. 

Beooming bolder, I do it again— haider. 

Ho; sihadoaflLtlsalit 

BomiM I • • . I tramUt aft Ifaa tiionghft • • • Mftdflring I 
lMtf«art fiddin lor Ibiw yevr-«^poao I . • • hit bar on tiie hind 

I Bt firmer than ever, braoe myself for an effort, andL ^Ti^g'^^c 
that the resolt will be to find myself , tha nazt moment, nying among 
the branflhea d tha tzeea, I hit her--f«ry gently, and, ao, to ip^ak, 

No efleot* 

Oho! JVbtir I don't mind tiMN«ifai|f tha foroa. Anntlur* Anothar, 
harder. Withont any kii^ or naaag , aha simply throws np her 
head, and tudUfvil^, trata. 

All my rook-like firmnasi k ahaksn out of my knot tl tha IM 
morement, and the stiirnpa aeem to have let themselvaa out a good 
half -inch. Nearly off aidiway^ but faoofw myaalf wtata A m* 

From this ahe goes into a aaiiftir* IiMBtoRillaiooddBilinthe 
aaddlot and I snonld mj Cutiikib & Oo.'i view oi b« would be 

absurd. The aaddle spears to slide forward, aad there ta nothing 
of the horse in front of me. I can onlv desoribe the aenaatfon by 
saying that it aeems to me. that, should the horae like to double itself 
up from the front, it oonla slip ita fore-lags throng ita own girths, 
and get away ^om under its own saddle, leavisff mt on it go the 
road, aa easily aa posaible. 

Happy 7%oiif Ac—Sort of Davenport-Brother Hone, Oood tridk 
for aoirons. 

We stop ; and turn. I should like to walk slowly baok. Horia 
will trot now, and it ^s down hill to the stable. 

Happu ThimgkL^AM I oannot stop him without Jerking his he^d. 
and perhaps spoiling his mouth (whioh CLlTMBn won't like if 1 
don't buy him), I yield and endeavour to look at though I wcra still 
trying hmu 

Really he.— I mean she,— <Atf is trying ma. 

Tha trial is ovar, axoept that Xnorr gets up, and puts her thioofk 

Yerdict to ba prononnoed, in Clukus's aboniea. TMon idflaea 
mtfM^. I agree with XBOfiT* Sorry for GLinoii* IdoAt^i^I 
oaia about nding as I uaed to, I shall go in for driving only. 


The Perila of K.P.*e» 

Lr his addross at Liakaard. Ml. Hommsi it ftpofted to hanrt «dd 
that, '* he attributed tha faotof his having had measlai thna tnea 
to his having had to kiss so many babies on his osnvaas*" In iha 
omakm of tha motbara, no doubt this kiaaia^ was a treai isr the 
affectionata Oandidata. But as treating ia now tUaiftl«MB. HoiratAK 
will be able in future to imitate Hoon'a "litUa OTa 
«* evade the hliaa." 






This f e«tiv« Beasem is^ we know, 

The se>a90ii of gratiuties ; 
Of paring more thiui what we owBv 

Alia gorging miperfluities. 


Christmas oomea but once a jbbt ; 
When it comes, it costs ua deaj. 
Brings UB hoaps of heavy billa, 
And a lot of other ills ; 
Christmas troublesome appeals, 
Christmaa meetings^ Christmas meola, 
C^hristmas games and fooleriea^ 
Christmas toys and Christmas trees, 
Christmas carols at your doors, 
Christmas boxes, Cliristmas bores. 


Air exelamation uttered by Othello, in a porticnlar 
sense, is capable of being applied in a wider meaaing, 
and therein Buggested to parents and guardians, just now, 
at this festive awison of exercise of the digestive organs :— 

That ire enn mU. tb^fc) dt'licatc creatures oura, 
And not their sppetitee,'* 

The knife and fork, to us© an eleirant euphemism, 
which very many TO ^ V 7 "' ^^1 r V rs 

home fur the holidn: j 

play, not only at din:^. , — . .... ^. ._ _ .u...v,»i;i^ 
to say nothing of previous breakfast, lunch^ and tea, 
cannot but, on the part of many of their seniors, ©xoite 
an emotion of envious regret, neatly expi^saible, as above, 
in the words of Othello^ 


Ethd. ** What '» this about, Wilub ? " 
WUfk ienUtmptuomlt/). **0, it's only 


Holiday Thought. 

It is very fooHsh to be always reading, and making 
j notes, and trying to remember things. How much better 
I tr> know as little as possible, and so, in every piece of 
A Man being Photogbapbod— oa 1 iuformation that is given you, to find the eharm of 

I novelty, which ia the charm of existence. 





iln Judicium Tbistrami iriatissimuni,) 
TiUiTts turn et erum^ 

Bince thnt Db. Tristbam, 
On our Church move Rome ward 

Immisit capistruntf 
Or< in common English, ^ — 

As Latin *s for the altar,— 
Gapt a cruel mu2zle» 

Meant to serve as halter. 

Yes, as hempcin halter, 

Ritualism for hanging ; 
Fain, I *m sure, our foes would 

Slay, instead of slanging. 
But as they can^t hang us 

At their cruel wish up, 
T&iiijtAJC hangs our movement 

Up, for the Archbishop. 

Thwarting, in our persona, 

Papist predilections, 
Stopping our cup-liftings, 

And our genuflexions : 
Pulling off our vestments* 

Puttmg out our candles,— 
In a w*0Ta, xmscrewioK 

All our Koman handles. 

But this \tL9t *' back-stopper " 
On <^i » 1' ) ' " "-' ^-' " • '-• rd vergin gs, 

I«il t cruel 

Oj irg-ings. 

Ijiind to liiddcu meanings, 
Which, as RituaHsts, we know, 

Teistbam will not have ua 
Build a Baklacchino^ 

You that talk of torments 

Borne by saints of old, 
Of stray sheep bewilderedi 

Wanaerers from the fola, 
What saints so afflicted, 

What stray sheep, do ye know, 
Like our saints and sheep, shorn 

Of their Baldacchino f 

Should the blest St. Barnabas, 

In the Court appearing, 
For his parish priesthood 

Boldly ask a hearing, 
And on the allegiance 

We to Poi'E oVr Queen owe, 
Claim immediate licence 

For a Baldacchino^ 

Ibistb^m and ArchbiKhop, 

Who *U say which in broader 
Terms, or more audacious, 

Would refuse the order ; 
Fall back on Church Primitive, 

And ask what did JShe know 
Of such— sav— ** erections ** 

As a Baldacchino f 

Such the fliniffv reason 
Pve 11 ' ' *ntreadin, 

For the ing 

A plat. . . i^L iiis head in ; 

Till at last, or, us they 

Say at Rome, inJtnOf 
In the cold they leave us, 

Senza Baldacchino ! 

TfiTStBAit, ceremonial 

Judging, and Church-symbol! — 
Whose patristic leaminp 

Would not fill a thimble I 
TntaraAM versus Liddell !— 

If he knew what we know — 
Eacli Church-apse, i* the middle, 

Had its Balaacchino, 

But while Doctob Tristham, 

Blinded and benighted. 
Won*t have Roman candles, 

On our altars lighted, 
Grudges show and splendour, 

Wliieh Church might to scene ow©# 
We must stoop to altars 

Bare of Baldacchino, 

Dotage sacerdotal 

We must keep at home ; 
And not do as Rome does, 

Till we are at Rome. 
To spirituiil, not ritual 

Siue, while Bull shall lean, 0, 
We in vain may whistle 

For our Baldacchino ! 


Celibact and Wedlock. — If single Kf© 
is bad, then it stands to reason that double 
life ia twioe as bad. 



[January 3, 1874. 


Crilicising Frimd {to Nerv&m Man on New ffarse). " ! Kow I Recollect that Mabb. Smabhkm BOuaoT hxb of CfiASHnc labt 



Mn. W. CrxKDCGHAM Glen has been moTing m the Kenflington 
Veatry for a Commiflsion to deviBe meana for puttings the makiiig 
and management of Gna into the hands of the Metropolitan Vestrieal 

Me. Gi*en is a disting-uished official of the Local Government — 
late Poor- Law— Boards He must BurelF wieh to introdnce into the 
lighting of Londoi« the gi^at principle of ^which hia Board is such a 
matter — ** How twt to do it." 

Looking to the state of the things already under the London 
Vestrieft — in particulaji scavenging and road repair^it eeems a cool 
proposal to add Gaa-fightinfir to the niimher. The result is less 
likely to he summed up in the old Latin motto, **^j/Mmo dare 
lucem" than in its converse, *' Ex kite dare Jumum.*\ 

Considering what average Ve&trvmen^s prose is, it is surely too 
much to insist on making poets ot them at once, by asking them to 
become masters of our metres. Perhaps Mr. Glen thinks that the 
Vestriea having, in their altercations- exhausted every species of 
retort — except the retort courteous— tney should, in fairness, have 
(mr ga8*retort9 to fall hack upon. 

Gas-refuse is the most offensive of all refuse. But in the case of 
Mr. Glkn\s Gas proposition, 3L\ Punch can only say, ** Eefuse, by 
1^ means.'* 

If the Gas does ever fall uJider the domain 'of the Vestries, Mr. 
Punch oflfers them a motto, from Otheiki^—^* Put out the light— and 

A Queation. 

{Ihbt aaktd by Ma, Mlall, next Sutton.) 
Thb following statement appeared in the JVWa :— 

" Fish.— The value of Fiah, salted and cured, imported this year, was 

Taking this for his text, let the eminent Disestablishtr inquire. 
First— How much of this was expended in Psalters P 
Secondly— How much went to those who haTe the ** Cure of 8oiUE r ' 



{In comparts&n^ at ieatt^ to many wt have met with*) 

EDWIN TO ANGELINA,— AH serene, my poppet, you «Aa« lave a 
latchkev and a cigar, yes ereu in the drawiug^room. MaU icoutt tnoi, 
je t'gmphrt f Tou must send Momma to Jtiiicho, and gire her i^eA'« 
Almanack to amuse her on the journey. 

MISSING.— A Perambulator, containing two fine Babies. Straw hats 
and pink libbona ; carrotty hair and turn-up noaes. Answer to the 
names of TinnY Ickls Siko and Poonv Icklb Pettums. Whoever wiU 
restore them to ibdr disoonaolate parents ahall be JtundiQmeig rewardtd with 
m prosentatLon copy of Pimch^t splendid AlmanoGk. 

EXT OF KIN WANTED.— If Heirs Male or Female, or any of the 
Family of Benjamin n« Booma, otherwiBe Buooncs, a resident at 
Honolulu in the year 1535, will apply for PHnch'a Almanack ot the Office, 
85, Fleet Street, they will there »ee t!emcthin^ %*ery much to their Adranta^. 

THE BEST SUBSTITUTE FOR COAL is PuacA^* bright and spark- 
ling Aim^fwck^ The briUianDy of it« contents will ch^er tbo colde«t 
company J and peojple who are warmed by the fire of its wit will find they con 
diftpeufte with halt their ubuoI fuel. 

POBPHYRIUS N0LANU3. — Scholars well aconaintad with the 
Works of thia old Poot are requested to iupply the Civil Service Bxam- 
inera with the original Greek text of tfae pasaagc m Book iv., T> 265, ^ uq.^ 
m admirably translated and so olaauoally illuatrated in Fmch^s oassling 
Almanaeh for the coming year. 

THE HYENA TO THE HEN CANARY.— Please meet me hy moon- 
light alone, where the as^tens sadly quiver, beneath the horrid torrid 
lone, or on the rolling tto/i&a. nver. There will I breathe soft ki«8«8 in thy 
captive ear, and ahow thee Punch* it Almanack^ delightful and not dear. 

LEFT IN A CAB.— A Lodv'a Sealskin Jacket, containing in the 
pdcketa a Boent^botUfi. n silver sntiff*box, an ivory fan, a well- filled 
pUTwj, n pair of sciaiors^ a gold thimhle, and an annotated copy of Pun&k*t 
Almanack for 1874. Whoever will restoro the latter precioue article is wel- 
come to reUin the Jacket and the rest of iti oonianta. Addrov *^ Sopuo- 
siaaA*" 47» Groarenor Square. 



JiJfPABT 10, 1874.] 






Sir Gor^ QusxitM, ** Hot a Pain, have you ? Wzut, servb you RroHT I 


Yeah, just dscaubk it uAPiiSKa to br the 25th or Dscembeu I " 

Tha Pag^ *' 0, Sib, pleasb Sir I Chiu&tmas uakes ho DirrKRBNcE to 
TOP, Siji. You and her Ladyship can pkrfobm that HopEttATion hevehy 
BLiiiMi£D Day or Youb Liybb^ Sir J *' [i Month's Notice. 


An instructive article in the Saturday/ Review^ on ZyeWt Antiquity o/ Jtfiirt, 
contains thie remarkable passage following : — 

** TiiTtmrk ftU,ai Sia Chaiiles Ltell cznpbad^allf urgcft iu clodnj^ bii work, fortifying 
hinitcif with the &ble adyocacy of D&. Aha GraTi H Is ti» he kept in mind that there is 
nothing in the doctrine of truiifimutatiotif any more Ihan in the simple extunslon of man'i 
ftatiquitf, to weaken the fouriUationa of reli^on." 

From the tenor of frequent articles on ecok'siastical subjeeta in the Satttrdai^ 
Ht^ieir, the readers of that well-writton misceUaoy wilfOTobfthly infer that 
by religian it means that religion i)reaohGd by verj^ High Cnurch Clergymen of 
the Church of England, and by Roman Catholic Priests— those ^ at leaftt^ of the 
GaiJioan achooL People who look for theolo^cal information to the Sufurdaf/ 

ntraiT to sound doctrine of divinity* They 
wiU» no doubt, feel agreeably eonscious that they have learned something in 
having been appriaeUf that what they were taught to believe a true account 
of the age and ancestry of mankind, being rightl^Mmden^tocHl, is that man*a 
origin datea back through countiesa ogea from a period of iudtjliuite antiquity— 
that his pedigree may be traced up to a marine Ayeidiiin» that his ilrat t' siren ts, 
so to call his more immediate progenitors, were luithrupoid ajtes^ and tliat the 
narrative declaring him to have lapsed from a primitive altitude is to be 
taken really to fiignify that his existence began at the lowest degree of being, 
whence he arose, and has been, on the whole, gradually ascending in the moral 
and intellectual scale ever since. 

Many a ahallow soeiitto will be confounded, if not corrected, by the announce* 
ment tnat this < n of the canonieul luHtury of mankind by no meana 

tends to weaken \ < itions of religiun— that i^ to say, the religion professed 

and proclaimed by Dn. Fustt and Arcildeacon DeineoiT ; to say nothing of 

igL* utn. 

De. Newman, Archbishop Makntno, and the Pope: 
although, to weak and superiioial minds, that exegeds 
may seem a little too nroad, perhaps, for Bibkop 
CoLENSO. To bo sure, though, there is a j^ensc, in which 
tho atatdmont^ that inere is nothing'' in the doctrine 
of transmutation ** any more than " in the simple exten* 
sion of mtm^s auticiuity, to weaken thia foimaationa of 
reli^on, might be accepted by the most orthodox of 


At this festive nmmm 
Not a word of reason ! 
Or you talk high treason 

Flat aLMintt the Ci-own. 
Othond-h ^ 
the mirth I , 

the acreanimg joittr I 

the rampant Clown 1 
the red-hot pokur. &c. 

Come, young fellow, turning 
From the paths of leoi-ning, 
For amuaeioent httmingy 

Wli ' mu from school. 
Mistletoe fi. 

Waken thou . j ; i . iolly ; 
Let m» then ^.o i-lly : 

Oo ami 8t< the fooL 

the red-hot poker, &o« 

Bee him kick and whop men, 
Smear and swab and mop maa^ 
Cheat and swindle shopmen, 

Bum the Pantnloc»n, 
And, with fresh roora greeted, 
Then himself, too, seated 
On the poker heated ; 

What a great buffoon ! 

the red-hot poker, &a. 

Gorge and act the glutton, 
Steal, from folk that stmt on, 
Stmdry legs of mutton, 

Sausages, and geese ; 
Stuff in nocket ample : 
Law and order trample ; 
8et OB youth example, 

Checking the Police. 

the red-hot poker, &o. 

Nursi a baby, dress it, 
Wash it, duck it, mess it, 
Cram it, choke it, bless it ; 

Pretty little thin^ I 
Dandle, dance, and jump it, 
Bong it, bounce it, bump it, 
Beat it, thwack it, thump it, 

At its mother fling. 

the red*hot poker, &o* 

Make a slide of butter, 
People throw in gutter, 
Exolamations utter, 

Causing boys and men 
To forget all sorrow* 
Two 01 them we '11 borrow.— 
** How dV« do to-morrow r ** 

Here we ore again ! " 

the red-hot poker, &c. 

Jtistice and Elegance. 

We say a Brougham, a Hansom, an Orrery, a Stnnhope, 
a pair of WeDingtunH, or of Bluchers, Columbia, America, 
and in a score of other ways we reco^se distinguished 
men. Why (it occurred to ub at the inaugnration of the 
New Post Office on New Year's EveJ do we not, instead 
of tormenting Greek scholars with such a word as 
" telegram," coll the thing a WiiKATsTONii, and thus do 
tardy justioo to the benefactor of impatient mankind ? 
Punc A invites the universe to nso tlie word in future* 
He means to do so— which should be tinal. 



"^<;i, XViSi<£i* 




[Januabt 10, 1874, 





HBREAB Complaint hath been made to tho 
WiKh. Cfjun of Put)ch that he hath in 
some sort wronged the Venerable Abch- 
UKAOON DENisdk, atid whereas Cmbxh 
doth not wrong^. Let it be known, then* 
that in a Sermon preached by the Arch- 
deaoon at St. Ethelburffa's, and recently 
alluded to by 3If\ Punchy the former 
reverend j^ntleman, in alleinng that ^* confession** would secm'e tho joys most 
of all to be desired, did not use the word in the Roman-Catholic sengCj but he 
des^igned to imply oonleMiozi of ihe faith of the Church. This correGtion Mt\ 
Punch is m happy to make aa he is to perceive, from its being desired, that the 
other idea in repudiated. Then 3Ir. Pan^h is informed that it was owing to the 
Archdeacon's not perceiving the stole (which had been laid on the edge of the 
pulpit) that he did not put it on until hia discourse was somewhat advanced. 
That he kissed it, is not denied. Our friends the Ritualists perform the cere- 
mony of kissing the stole when they put it on» and also when they take it off. 
Whether this process he not a violation of the statute De Ot^euliH, cited hy the 
Reverend Grand Master Beaumanmr in the case of Mebecca <d Tork» is open to 
consideration ; but in the meantime Mr. Punch is happy to show that even 
against such an enemy of the faith as Ritualism he employs no weapons save 
thoae ef truth and ridicule. 


Sm Henby Thohfbof's remark able article on this subject, in the Contemn 
pQrar^ Jievinw^ furnishes the tSpiritualistie Table-ranpers with a new theory, 
of which, if they are only half snarp, they will speedily avail themselves. Sir 
H. Thompsok writea— 

** Oar nuihogany of to-day hju been many negroes in ita turn, and hefore the African 
CJUBted, WM integml portionj of mnny a generation of extinct apeoies/' 

The mahogtmy table is then evidently *' all alive ! " and only wants just so 
mueh ffalvanic loroe applied to it a^ may bring its dormant powers into aotion. 
The Medinms may th^k Bdi HKNiiY for his words, and Sir Punch for having 
drawn attention to them* If Crematioii should ever beoome the rule (and we 
take this earliest opportunity of saying that we trust it may — ^more of this 
anon), the Urst Cemetery « or, rather, Crematory, would be in Bemers Street. 


'* The PrUBBian Boyal Order of Merit of the Civil CIms hat 
been presented to the English hiatorioal biographer of FaEDiaicit 


Stoop, old Sic&mber ! Bead the neek 

Thou still so stiff hast borne : 
With star and ribbon while they deck 

Thy gaberdine well- worn* 

True Thomas, say, if» prophet-souled, 

Thou c*cr hadst second-sight 
Of thyself ribboned, starred, enrolled 

In Prussian ranks a knight ? 

Sartor resartm J Shall we note. 

As men clothes-moulded be, 
This buttoned-up, black-ea^led coat 

Work any change in thee? 

Or art thou timber all too tough 

For tailors* dummy hoUow j 
Though PruBsia lead oourt-suit, too rough 

Prussian court suit to f oUow ? 

Methinks I see thee — ^f ace to face, 

With him of blood and iron, 
Owning Pbince Bismabck of the race 

Whom verities environ. 

No wind-bag this, ihv brother Knight 

Who the black-eagle bears : 
A man of facts — with shams to fight 

Where'er they shame the stars. 

And this prim, grey old Emperor, 
Whose back no years can curve, 

Methinks is a grand master dour 
Enough for thee to serve. 

I see DriU-Sergeant Feikdbich's ghost 

The Tabagie below 
Leaving, his bear-hug as a host 

Upon thee to bestow* 

** RiTTKR Carltle, 80 rancJnm Sie 

Tabak f So gut / ich atich" 
And Bear-King and Ber-serk I see, 

In clouds of kindred rauch. 

The clouds that from thy midnight clay. 

And midnight-musing brain, 
Have blended, wholesomely alway« 

Strong scent, and strengthening strain ; 

Breathed the keen brenth of for oef ul truth 

That still inspires thy page 
flow g<xid work fcoed-corn is of youth 

That would reap har*st of age, 

** No lie shall live : no man by Hee: 

0od*8 debts are mid at last : 
He with the Devil « coin that tries 

To pay themi will be east ! '* 

Phiin truths — so plain to be descried, 

Unmarked we pass them by ; 
Truths that bed-rid by Error's tide 

In the mind's lazaret lie. 

Truths ne*er so old but new ther show, 
When some clear tongue and Drain 

Drives home on all what all men know, 
Till faiths are facts again* 

This was thy workj old Chelsea seer ; 

And well it hath been done ; 
And honour's crown on thy grey hair 

Sits well at set of sun. 

Our mother England has no stare 

For soldiers of the Pen : 
With us snch honours spring from waft 

Watered with blood of men. 

Then let us rather smile then sneer. 

When from the Vaterland. 
Wiose thought to us he has brought near, 

There is stretched forth a hand. 

To pin the badge of merit fair 

On CAKtTLK s manly breast i 
The star can shed no honour there, 

*Ti5 honoured there to rest. 









Jaxdajit 10, 1874.] 






theu Lettfra being publicly exposed. 
Did you ever now ? WeU, I 

BACtoua goodness, 
Mr » Punch, wliat 
do you think of 

»* Anti Bbxach 

OF PftOMlSl Imt.— 
Writing with thia ink diaiipp^ftw 
before one month, thus avoiding 
the gyftem of ridicule to whiob 
old Bad young arc* lubjected in 
Free for Fourteen Stamps." 

^. . ,, ^-, - really wonder what we ahall have 

next. Fancy fteeinj? all tineas iove letters ^oingr slowly ont of sight, 
and becominfr in a wtek or two utterly mvisihle 1 Imagine one's 
dismay in looking iii the dear words as they daily disappeared^ in 
seeing how the ^* darlings ** slowly vaniihed bit by bit, and in 
watching the dear i 'b till not a dot was left behind them ! Conceive 
with what a look of blank despair one would gaze at the blank 
sheet, and sigh for fairy epectacles to show what had been on it I 

what a mean mind the Mokstee must have had who made this 
terrible invention 1 What a shameful triok to think of ! The idea 
of helping lovers, or, at least, pretended lovers, to exchange their 
Town of constancy in ink well nigh as fleeting as the colours of the 
rainbow 1 What a hideous, hollow mockery to sign oneself ** yours 
ever, dearest Ainnz/* or " yours lovinglv till deaths" in a fluid which 
is warranted to fade within a fortnight f 

Praj excuse my further comments on a matter so distressful, and 
believe me yours admiringly (in i^ which is called ** permanent"), 

Laurel Lodge, Wednesday. Sophohisba Smyte. 

P,8.— I am not afraid of being ridieuhd myself, for I am fortu- 
nately wMimW, and have no fear of my husband's ante- nuptial 
oorrespondence being ever read in Court, But I cannot help juBt 
hinting that I think it would he prudent, in these inventive days, if 
ladiee who get love lettersi or promises of marriage, were at once, 
for fear of accident, to go and have them photographed. 



ICb. Fohch's **Eepresentative" being at present a good deal 
engaged in representing himself 

[By the way, Mr. Punch sees no reaaon why the fact that a gen- 
tleman contributes to these columns should deprive him of the 

to the New Gallery in Argyll Street. In fact, Mr. Punch will take 
it aa a personal compliment to himself, if persons will do themselves 
that kindness.] 

and doing it so suooessfuUy that Mr. P, has not the heart to call 
upon H<m for theatrical work, the Great Creature himself has paid 
some TisitB to the playhouses, albeit ^tis hard to leave the domestic 
haarth and Havannah, on a winter night, for anything but an 
Ootopian dinner>party — where eight of the best sort of f oIk address 
thenlBelves to the best sort of food, and abuse the rest of mankind 
and of womankind. 

On New Year's night he went to Drury Lane Theatre, and was 
pkaaed to see the sentinels looking so well and so intelligent. The 

civility of the attendants left nothing to be desired, and he must 
comphment the printer of the programme upon the elegance of hi^ 
typography. The chairs in the box had been dusted regardless of 
expense, and when he came out, the mild yet manlv deelamation 
with which the porter summoned the carriage was an nonour to that 
official's lungs and heart. 

He would be glad to continue in the style of the late Sm Juiia 
MACKINT06II, andto lavish CI! 1 ■ Oiing and 

everybody* But, as usual ^\ las been 

performed so gener^^v^ir hv ulI ^i^ Lnutiiri i iiLi^a, i1i*il in, .objects to 
performing a work rogation— disagreeing, he may observe, 

with the Article t' : there is no such things He was verv 

comfortably seated, was in agreeable company, ana was in the fuB 
enjoyment of his exquisite good temper. The crowded house, with 
excellent taste, abstained from any direct demonstration of welcome 
to him on his presenting hiniself, but when all rose at the flrst notes 
of the Anthem, it was manifest that he was recognised, and but for 
the impatience of the audience for the speotaole, it was probable 
that he would have 

** Seen their sympathy descending in the fruitage of Serille,** 

a manifestation which on Boxing Night caused much di^oomfort to 
the oooupants of the stalls, and made Mr* Punch, on readinir the 
account of it, wonder whetner it might not be a good thing to raise 
the gallery prices to a prohibitory figure. The gentleman who 
bold]^ put up an umbrella to save a lady from the descending storm 
of dirty orange-peel will perhaps favour Mr. Pun, '. ' ' um views 
on the subject. Mr. Punch is on enemy to o\> ton, but 

cannot help thinking that half-a-do2en stout i^....^ v;^wu in the 
nailery, with stioks^ and leave to use them, would prevent a very 
nrutal display, worthy of a Spanish buU-ring* 

The pantomime at Drury Lane Theatre is from the pen of ItR, 
Blajtchard, who has put a hundred fairy tales into wild yet grace- 
ful grotesque for the delight of the children, for whom iMintomimes 
are supposed to be made. We believe he had an exceptional diiB- 
culty in his way this time, but he has grappled with it, and mastered 
it, and whether little ones or big ones qmte succeed in following the 
drama is of the smallest oonseauence. Mr. Punch caught some 
capital couplets through the masKs. The business keeps goin^,** 
and there are some inordinately beautiful groupings, some oapttiil 
dancing, and plenteous reoollectiona of certain French operettas 
which are familiar to everybody. Mrt. AnQot^a Daughhr is not 
forgotten, you may be sure. There is a grand Fancy Fair aoene, 

flittering down to the very back of the great stage, itfr, Punch 
as been more bewUdered by other Tranfflormation soenes. There 
is a vivacious ballet of children. Two vigorous young ladies, one in 
black satin, who dance under var3dng lights, drive the house 
frantic. Oi the two we prefer Miss CATHUfiiyE Vauohak, and if 
you ask us why, which you have no right to do, we will tell you. 
Because her satin is seemlier than the ordinary ballet garb. 

But— and Mr, Punch is not quite sure that this is not the nmon 
d^etre of his notice — the gem oi the pantomime is a little song by 
two little ladies — representing boy and girl — who have a good deal 
to say, or rather sing, about *' Living on Buttercup Orecn/' It is 
as charming a tiny pastoral as can be imagined. The fresh young 
voices, the prettineas of the idea and the music, the lovingness or 
the little people, who are wrapped up in their aneotion, and never 
look at the audience^ make a perfectly dainty and refreshing episode. 
It stands out of all the clamour and glitter and loud fun, as an old 
madrigal comes to you at a charity-dinner. And when the small 
lovers slowly and caressingly glided round together with looks of 
earnest belief in the fooPs paradise they had been singing about, 
Mr. Punch declared that this five minutea would have paid him for 
coming to the theatre in the ramshackliest of old cabs, with a horse 
that tumbled down on the asphalte in Leicester Square, and with a 
cabman whom he had to offer to fight for the overcharge. Of course 
he came in no such way, but in an air-tight brougham, with furs on 

his knees, and behind two fiery steed a that by the way, he apolo- 

mes to the fat swell he knocked down in Thayer Street, and will 
thank the executors of the apple- woman whom ne ran over in Long 
Acre to call at his office with probate of her will| when he will 
make an addition to her residuary estate. This is all he has to say 
about the pantomime, except that he was much delighted with the 
way Me. Fuedebick Evajis comimrted himself. This artist is 
aomething between PArpft; and YoKXt*, and is a satisfajctory substi- 
tute for them. The mode in which he Idcked and sat upon the King 
whenever that arbitrary monarch gave him a chance, would have 
been agreeable to republicans, if such persons had the sense to 
amuse themselves with other awful nonsense than their own. 

The great happiness of going to the theatre ia the cigar and other 
arrangements for preventing the destruction of tiaaue when you get 
home. While tating these, Mr. Punch remarked, in his usual 
mild and affable manner, *' Glad I went." Whereat joy and delight 
were diffused throughout the soula ol his hearera. 

Ever original, he has omitted to aay that the name of the panto- 
mime is Jtick in the Box. It ia the nght box* 




[jAsnAiiY 10, 1874. 




E^strcmehj ff4{fh'C7iureh Lady, ** ! dok't cm away, Mr. Busby— we arb just QonxQ TO HAV« CoMPWfMf** 
Mr. Bushy, •* Makv TnANica» MY DEAu Lapy, rut I couldn't Eat anothee Mobbel T* 


Hats, hata, red hats ! Who'll buy, who 'U bur Y 

My red hata, with Church crowns inside 'em I 
C^mBj reverend heads^ my meaanTea try ! 

Mine i& the nole Bhop to provide ^em I 
The old-established Vatican hatter, 

The red hat is my apecialti^ I 
The fihapo of head don't so mnoh matter ; 

Thero^B but one kind of head for me, — 
That's the head with no tongue to chatter. 

No brain to think, no eyes to see ; 
Kiny fitone walls 'twill have to batter, 

6o thick enough for ram must be. 

There *a only one fwint I insist on ; 

The head must, in no case, he long : 
And I prefer snoh skulls my list on. 

As wnile they *ro tMok ar6 aught but itrong* 
A eontradietion in conditions, 

For human brain-pans, some may say, 
And^ doubtless, naturalist physicians 

Might be found ready with their *' nay ;" 
But 'mong the Vatican hatter's miaaiona 

Is thist oy voice ex Cathedra^ 
Irreooncileable positions 

To reconcile, m non-natural wayt 

Bo I pfoelaim, from my old shop, 

The only shop to change unknown — 
The drip of Time's all- wearing drop 

Eats not one grain of Petee^s stono— 
Thd heads my hats are like to hit 

Most hard and yet most soft must be : 
6o hard> they 'U turn the ahafU of wit 

At my infallibility ; 

So soft, they 'U mould to suit the sit 

Of any head-gear I decree ; 
Strong *' i^s vlui Umrd§§ SaleUM/*^ to fit« 

And round or sqnaiei &■ pleases me. 

While such the heads that I require, 

My safest custom is in Eome« 
Your English heads have too much fire 

To be sikfe 'neath Bfe. Peter* s dome. 
You ne'er know but they ^11 flare about 

Some brands of learning^ logic, law, 
8ueh as red hats as sure put out 

In Latin pates, as fire damp straw* 
But when your English heads from doubt 

Pass to omnivorous faith and awe, 
My measure they stretch quite without. 

And longer bows than mine will draw ! 

So in the recent red-hat rain 

Wonder not if no scarlet brim 
Has fallen, in the feverish brain 

Of Uajhttsq the wild-fire to dim. 
'Tia not thus Pio NoNO tries 

To qnenoh his English Roman candle, 
Whose fire-ballB, for their shine and size. 

So shame Eome*s, they caoae quite a scandal. 
Bedazzle Ajfioifmuj's eyes, 

And almost ainge the sacred soBdol, 

An Irish head its hat may boast, — 

Hot as they are they 're rarely haid,^ 
Your Cnofiira man is for a poet 

Which MAKKUfa oome coxud nersr guard. 
Tour English oonvert's zeal is such 

As TALLETBAin) had styled d€ trop : 

• SaUiU, nn iron head*piefie ; also a notorioui place of pilgrimage, like 
Lourdc*, and Faray4d-MimtaL 










Jasoaby 10, 1874.] 


ProTm|r, they 'r© given to prove too mucli, 
Flaying, they *po apt their hands to show : 

*Twixt their two stools of Celt and Dntch^ 
Too often to the ground they gx). 

And falling; folk the stay they clutch 
Will ofttimcs with thenuselvei bringr low* 

No 1 GivB me with one Celtic head— 

Two^ were case of KiUcemij Cata — 
Italian. Gaul and Blave, to ahed 

Broad-catt the honours of red liats* 
ThoQffh Church Lords are not what they irere» 

Cardinal virtuea are owned still ; 
But one the red hat to confer, 

Of all tlie virtues hath the skill— 

* In its etymological and cthnologieal 

Virtue to think 1 cannot err, 
ThalL true and false change as I will. 

That Heaven and Hell- gates both I stir 
With my cross-keys of good and iH. 

What is the head of English mould* 

Of fiize^ shape, stuH* to take this in ? 
Biff enough such beliefs to hold, 

Small i!nou^h faith thereto to pin : 
Bo strong ^giuiist oommon-senae to stand ; 

So weak with Bophistry to war ; 
8o alavieh^ where the free join hand ; 

8o free, wheiv right and reaaon bor :— 
No [ Until Makxinq is unmanned, 

Bett4^r no hat than red hat« far I 
of ** Deutsoh * '—Teuton. 


AtTwrEETNG home after this 
Horse trial, which has ended 
in my giving up Cluicb^h, 
Spo££R» and Co., and in 
TfiOTT*8 promising to send 
me wora directly he sees 

anvthing likely to suit me, 
I nnd at the guri 

a carriage full of people. 
Three Ladies and a Clergy- 
man. Accompanying them I 
and evidently as a detach- 
ment of the party, are a 
tall gentleman and a young 
kdy on horseback. 

DODDBIDOE, the melan- 
choly DouDBiDGE, is evi- 
denUy explaining to them 
that there 's nobody at 
home when I arrive. 

The Clergyman, seeing 
me, raises Ms hat. He is 
a brown-faced man with a 
big nose. His nose strikes 
me at once as something 
I Ve seen before, and hav- 
ing been once seen, not to 
be easily forgotten. It *b 
a nose that no seems to 
use as he would his index finger, to emphasise his remarks with. 
Every movement of his head is in his nose, and, I am sure, that, if 
his arguments have any force in the pulpit » it must be from the 
logical character of his nose. His nose, starting from between the 
eyebrows, leads you alon^ a clearly defined line over a difficulty 
(fije bridge), and then brmgs you to the point, and then an end, 
** Hallo ! *^ he says, cheerily, ** Yon don't recollect me," 
" I smile on him. I ought to recollect him. I do recoUeot. No, 
I dtmH recollect him. And yet that nose. 
** My name 's Pulunoe&," he says. 

The three ladies in the carnage and the two equestrians are much 
interested. I feel that all eyes are on me to see what I make 


It flashes across me suddenly, *' fiuppOHing I won't call to mind a 
trace of PullI50EE, and reply, sternly, * No. Sir, I do not remember 
you,' What would be the result ? Would tliey turn him out of the 
cairia^o? Would they give him up there and then as an im- 
postor, whose social existence had t-o this moment simply de- 
pe^ided unon my recognising him as Pulling eb ?" 

But I ao remember him now. I recall hia features gradually, 
beginning vrith the feature, and I say, ** Why^ so it is ! FTTLLmGER 
of oouTse, 1 waa sure I anew your face.*' I mean nose^ but I 
don't say so. ! 

I go on, " You *ve altered so much since I last saw vou." If Iput 
this as it really occurs to me at the moment, I should say, ** Your 
nose has grown so tremendously I should hardly have known you 

Won*t he oome in, and his friends, in the carriage, and his friends 
on horses ? They look at one another dubiously, as if there were 
something to pay for admission. 

They seem to settle it, tacitly, among themselvest with a sort of 
rather patronising air, as if implying, *^ Well, you know, we don't 
commit oundvesto anything by goin^ in. Pi7XLINi>£& is a Clergy- j 
man, and A^ lays he knows aU about it. At all events, ii we don't 
like it, we can oome out again.'' | 

The Mounted Gentleman caUs out, ** What shall wo do with the 
horses f" as if he expected »w to hold them. 

There *s such a condefoenaional air about the whole party, that I 
am reaU^ inclined to answer the mounted vidtor carelessly, and 
say, "^ hat ^11 you do with your horses? 0, let 'em run about. 
You won't lose 'em, and, if you do, there 's more where they came 

Happy Thutight {/vr Prorfr6).— Better horses in the stable than 
ever came out of it. (To be arranged for my Netc Fromrhml 
Pliilomphy Book.) 

1 tell DoDDRiDoE, who is surveying the scene with a funereal 
aspect, to summon the Gardener. She sighs, as though this were 
the last straw which would break her back, and goes on resignedly 
for the Gardener, who will hold the honea* 

The weak part of our cottage is our drawing-room. It U small, 
and we aare always apologising tor it. 

I generally explain that ** I 'm goin^ to build a new wing," only 
the plans are not linished, or the estimates are not ready, or the 
something or the other isn't done, which simply means that, all 
things considered, my Aunt and I do not see the necessity of an 
outlay on the drawing-room. 

As CniLTERN, the Architect, whom I did consult on the matter, 
said, **Tou see, in enlarging an ordinary room, it's different to 
making a concert-hall or a theatre hold more people. In such cases, 
more people more money, and it repays you. fiut you don't want 

He is right : we don't. But, at present, five ladies in our draw- 
ing-room, if they don't sit quite stiil, are really a crowd. 

Consequently, by the time Pctllinqeb and the three ladies, and 
the two dismounted visitors, are arranged somehow about the 
apartment, there 's hardly any room for me, unless I sit on the 

Another curious fact about my Aunt'a arrangements ia, that 
whatever the number of visitors in the drawing-room, we are 
always one chair short. To make up this deficiency, there is 
generally a search all over the house, which results in the ugliest, 
oldest, and most eccentric -looking chair bein^ brought down, liy 
DonnBiooE, who takes a melancholy pleasure in appearing with it 
among the company. 

TUT this oomes I nave to stand up, which is awkward* 

On this present occasion the chair which Doddeidge brings is a 
very peculiar uncomfortable- looking chctir, with narrow sides (like 
an ohl-fa&hioned HoU -porter's choir), and a tall, oval back, made 
of cane and straw twisted together as compactly as a beehive. 

Happf/ Thought — If an artist wanted to draw a picture for the 
lUustratcii London Nfws of '* Granny Knitting," thu is the sort of 
chair he would place her in. 

We are aU seated, smiling. I am waiting for introduotions. 
PiJLLi5GEE having intrcKiuced nimself , seems to have suddenly oome 
to a stand-still, or a sit-still. 

As a commencement he says — 

** Well, and how have you been this long time ? " 

The others (I don't as yet know who they are) are listening, Like 
a Committee, to my answer to the first interrogatory. 

J^appy Thought,—'* Left sitting." Like a Hen. 

To a Oorrespondent. 

The Druid SoLictTOR-GEirEiuL spoke, the other night, about the 
nvdrostatio Paradox, which until you understand it^ appears incre- 
dible, * ' A Weak-minded Woman " (as she dtcettf ully bi|?71s herself) , 

writes to ask us to explain Sis Veeron's meaning. With pleasure. 
Water quenches thirst, yet everybody knows that the mure water 
you drink the thirstier you are. XJnaerstanding the paradox means 
putting a litUe brandy into the water. You may put a good deal, 
if you likei but that 's a detaiL 





[January 10, 1S74 



Good Tcmpl^xr. **0 dsar Kol Dok't murnoN it t 1 kevsii taki AKY* 

/\CTirf {in ffftman Shap^y **NoN8EKait! Chrwhmasb Timi: J You'll tar* 


Templar. '* Wkll, if you fdt it likk That, 1 'll take 

[Takes U, 


So please Your Excellency, Mr. Punchy read tliia :— 
** Thb Ma&biaoi of ICias QtJLDaT(»rs*^Tbe Eeh^ ii re- 
quested to fltaie thai Mb. QLAoerosrB's reowdKi on the oootaiocL 
of his daughteKi marriji^ were spoken in a priTate room at 
Hawarden Bectoiy, and to noighboon oolj-/* 

ThuB you oeroMTV thtt a spoeolii whieh you doubtleGB 
perused ana adndfed» w&apubliahod, not haying beeii 
intended for publieation4 uW did this hay^pen ? It is 
impoMibte to aay ; but lei any public gentleman, who 
does not want to tee his primte ioible-talk in print, mind 
what he says in the preBenco of shouLder-loiotSf other 
than casual ones of t£s regimental speeiest Of couree, 
if John Thomas sent you o. report of his master's re- 
marks] you would naturally suppose he had done as he 
was bid: and| probably, the paraRraph which I baye 
submitted to vour notice attests the results of that 
education which has been already giTcn to some of thoBo 
whom Mb. Lowe once called oui* future masters ; 
although those some tn particular may, at present, be 
mir aerrants* 

Eecdye, Sir, the salulations of the aeason from your 
own obedient fieryant to oommand, whom oallt as sohool- 
tx»ra ory, q^^^ 

Jan, 1, 1874. 


*' At recent meeting of th« Btudents' Litenury Society in 
oonnectioii with 8t, Andre w'a Unircrrity. the dfibats for tho 
ereiUDg wMf ' Whether are BoirN'a tranahitioiis or Babb*s beer 
the greater benefit to students ? * " 

The subjeot^ it is added, naturally called forth a lively 
diaeuaoion, ana at the close the meeting decided in favour 

of the^ Translationsi by an overwhehning majoritj; Y 

We grieve to sajr, and every right-minded person will 
^are our disappointment » that such wua not tlie con- 
clusion to which the students came just before the 
Christmas vacation. They ** decided in favour of the 
beer/* but only— and w© ding to this aa leaving us 
some little hope for their future career — *' by the oaating 
rote of the ehairman." We ehall be curious to see 
whether the example set by St. Andrew's of comparing 
Boon and Bahs, rather than Ajristotle and Plato* or 
CiCEtto and Demosthenes, is followed by our own Uni- 
versities, Will Osiord devote a night at the Union to 
a eompaxison of the advantages of logic and long pipes ; 
or Cambridge expend all its argument and eloquence in 
discussing the rival merits of Eucliji and hot grog F 


Tee following extract from a Newspaper contains two statements, 
of which the Jirst in order seems incredible, and the scoond is sur- 
prising, if true :~ 

**Cmbi«tiiaj* Carols,— On Sun dny afternoon the Chorinterfof St» Vediist'a 
Church, Chcnpsidf, afjeompaKioil by' Miu Roweiit TiiiNEfl, the Precentor, 
ViLjii to the CoRring Crow llo^^ital and sang a lielection of Christniaa CaroU 
im the various wards. The patients were raiirh pleased witJi tlie tnroli, and 
tbo thoughtful kindness of those who had in this way sought to cht^er them at 
this season.*' 

PcrHafs this bemevolwit idoa was suggested by one of John 
Lkbc^'s pietures, of very old date. A lodger is amusing himself by 
blowing a great trumpet and beating a big drunif next to the 
chamber of an invalid. The mumcian remarksi 

**Thi* i» a charity to my sick neighbour : 

it may soothe him to a gentle 

Yet it is diiHciilt to conceive how any i^erson could take it Into his 
head that the inmates of a hospital , any but a few of those nearly 
welK would ho ut all ouuiforted» or otherwij^e than excL'tdiiigly dis- 
turbed and irritated by the nois<? of a set of ehoristers singing 
CFuiatmaa carols. Were the medical authorities of Charing CVoss 
Hospital aware of this performance ? Had its executants attempted 
it under the window oi any one lying ill, they would have been sent 
away, or given in charge* The fact that the patients '* were much 
pleased *^ with the effect which the exertions of those vocalists pro- 
ail0|d on their ears is mirely one which reuuires the retj strongest 
MEltJlxmation. No doubt there was gieat idndness on the port of 
t|i0ie ** who had in this wav sought to cheer" sick tjersons at this 
H^loU,*' but that the kindness was "thoughtful" very few will 
think* The only sort of hospital wherein luoh kindnea conld be 

opprociated would, one imagines, be an asylum for imbeeiles who 
were music-mad. Good intentions form a certain pavement, and 
Burcly the exploit above related is one of its flagstonesi 


FoREioNEES in general, and Frenchmen in particular^ may be 
often heard denouncing the abominable difficulties of the English 
language ♦ especially in mftttera of right si>elling and pronouncing. 
But really there are obstacles of this sort in other tongues than ours, 
as, for instance, may be seen in these two morsels ol intelligonoe, 
printed close together in a recent newspaper : — 

" Wc lenrn from Knijevaci that the SkouDchtina (the Servian Parliament) 
was opened to duy. M. KABASiBaaoyiTcu has been elected to the post of 

"Appeal. Privy Council. Eestodbeam Sedt and others v. Baiah 
BaojaMDHANAiLAm Rot/' 

Doubtless the word *' Smith" is diffioult to be said by people 
unaeoustomcd to talk between their teeth, and we dare say the 
name *' Buggins ^' would assume a different sound, when uttered by 
a foreigner, from that which English speakers commonly assign to 
it. But surely ** Smith " is easier to spell than *' Karabiberovitch" ; 
and we would really back a babv, no matter of what nation, to say 
** Buggins " quite as readily as - Eojah Brojendranarain." 


A CERTATir Mr. Maik, Heaven save the mark, Kaa re-wriiteii 

Iio8wdP$ Life ofJohmtm^ spicing it with appropriate relloctiotta I 
In this most eupertluoiu literary effort the mom foree ahown b 






(who can't bear KiCcMn Mu$ic), ** Isn't that Cook, MutT^ dDfoiNG 
Ite MixernxL Bot ' I" Maid, *' Yes, Ma'am.'* 


Mmd* "Yis, Ma*am— ao deiaj)ful Otrr of Titke one cam*t Jour ik, 



Oir December the 23th, the children of Wm^plQ^* 
ham School (ian't the name simply perfect ?)■■»£ in 
the Inner Hall of the Pavilion at Osbome, The ^st 
Oriff^ Can't we imagine what the first grifll wodild be 
at Whippingham ? Of course it is a sohool where emery 
book is illustrated with outs. We should like to see 
exhibited the original ** block ** of Whippinghom, 

The School-house itself is, we renture to say, beauti* 
fully situated in a grove of birches* De. Bibch w&s the 
Pedtcx of Wales's tutor, wuan't he ? And Whipping 
ham is on the Royal domain at Oaboma, 

The children then son^ Xow w tk4 Time. What 
for ? Clearly, the answer la, " for Whipping *em,*' 

Another of their melodious efforts woji I'h Filgrwn 
Perhaps this wo* a Swish air. 

Then they guve Jloek mt to Sleept Mother ^ — a day- 
boar<ler*s dittv on liid return from Whippinghom* 

f \H whicn we trust Her 

Or .et among the Christmas 

Carols oi thtjstj ctiilditJi oi the liod ;— 

The QiTHEir cried **0! 

These children of Whippingham I 
They sdum't go 

Without my tipping 'em." 

And so to them and ererybody generally, A Happy 
^ew Tear, 


malure at 

Some eorrespondence which has lately appeared in 
the Tirnes^ on the subject of TiviBection, bringii to mind 
a piece of advice which LoRU Bacon ^ave to those who 
were devoting themselvee, in hia day, to the then 
incipient science of Chemi«toy. He recommended them 
to prosecute their researches in that department of 
knowledge by, as it were, torturing nature. Physio- 
logists have adopted this recommendation literally in 
the |mrsiiit of their inquiries: but, whereas the torture 
of hfelesa matter has led to many great discoveries, 
very few results of any conaequenoe have been obtained 
by torture inttioted on living things, 


Mes. Malaprop, who is partial to a particular de- 
scription d small orange, astonished her fruiterer this 
Chrutmos by asking for some Tambourines. 


(in IrrtgulttT Song on a Regular Sell,) 

•TwAS cried, ** The Dodo comes I " 
And in ten thousand homes 
Was raised a shout of zoologic joy. 

** The Dodo oomes, the Doao oomes^ 
He is not one ol humbug's hums. 
And at the Zoo we 'U give him crumbs, *' 
Quoth many a giggling girl to monv a babbling boy. 
While graver parents, owl-like, winked, 
** We heard the creature was extinct. 

How little, 0, 

Doth science know 
Of what this wondroua world can show. 

And yet she dares 

Object to i)ray©r8, 

And be quite he tero^ 

Dox "— - ei cetera* 

While He who years ago implored 
With verso in many a memory stored, 
Thjst none would say there were no Dodoa now, 
Prepared exulting lay 
To nail the hajppy day 
When round this Dodo naturaUsts should bow* 

Alice, from Wonderland, 

Stretohed out a tiny hand, 
With picture where the Dodo plain was seen— 

And cried, in high dcBght, 

** 1 knew my dream was right, 
I know the Dodo/' said Jouy TExniOEX^s ** Queen," 

The Classic Comic Cove 

Swift through Pope*s liiad drove — 

For something touching Dodo- neon Jove, 
But wit*3 great Master, 
Punch, neater, faster. 

Said, " Dono, mother. Sir, of Zoroastee," 
Only the Club-men, quite averse 
To science, muttered ''Blow" (or worse) 

" The Dodo ! Bother Dodos ! Come to Dominoes ! ** 

The scoff seemed childish, but, in truth, 'twas ominous. 

Owen's praise demands my song, 

Owen sound, and Owek strong — 

But on New Year's Day 'twas cruel 

Thus to give us all our gruel. 

** Dodo t " mighty Kichaed cries, 

Scornful lightning in his eyes— 

** Dodo, Dodo, no such luck ; 

What 's a-coming is a Dnok. 

I con draw, and paint, and model it — 

Sirs, 'tis nothing but a Dodlet. 

Perhaps you 'D take the pains to look 

At its picture in my book. 

Dodo. Bo ! you geese. Methinks 

Phcenir next we 'U have, or Sphinx. 

Fools I call you not, but think 

When you 're thirsty, fools would drink," 

So from our opening eyes its form must part, 
So Owen's wrenoh must tear it from our hearts 
The idle dream of Dodo-life is o'e 
The bird, canard^ and we befooled no more. 

"Sk%. X^lSi*^* 


OuB excellent CoBtcmporatTj the Oswc^ir^ Adrertiser, reports ^ 
concert whicli was given at Wuittingtou. about the end of the year 
There eeemg to have been some very good muBic. perf ormc*d by die- 
tingroifihed AmateuTB, Ladies and GentlemeE. The report oonoludes 
thuB — 

" Perhaps the perfonnanee which pleased the audience moct wai a \mSbt 
otherwise c<imiCt song ty Mn. F, Douglas How, in which the audience were 
told to 

Akk the ehildren at Oobowen 
To come in time for school. 
A»k Mr. Whailey at Plomnadoc 
Not to m&ke himself a fooL" 

A Prophet hath, "we know* no honour in bis own Country, but 
really the Proud Salopians have ao ingenuous way of expressing 
their sentiments about their neighbours, which is quite refreshing 
m these mincing days. 

Shipping New*. 

"The Elizabeth Martin ^ the fourteenth hired traniport engaged in the 
Ashanteo Expedition, and now loading &t Woolwich, la being fitted up for the 
accommodation of troops and inTalids. ' 

Wb are authorised to state, in contradiction of many idle 
rumours, that there is no ground for the report that the name of 
this vessel has been changed. **?he was never known as the " Betty 


Lurr, if he beheld thy hair, 
Bv nature dark, by art made fair, 
That man were bolder far than I 
Who *d " stand the hazard of the " dye. 


Italy proposes to follow the example of Germany in enacting that 
civil marriage shall precede ecclesiastical, and the latter without 
the former be invalia. This intention is not likely to be chimged 
by the claims for the freedom of the Church lately put forth by 
Dr. Ma^'nino, according to whom it seems th&t the Rom&n-Catholic 
Church ought to be free to do what the Pope thinks proper^ and all 
mankind to be free to obey the Roman-Catholic Chuwh. Ca^youil^b 
idea of a free Church in a free State appears to require modification* 
If nobody ought to be above the law» ecclesiastics of all kinds should 
be kept oelow it, and so, a free Church under a free State is the 
arrangement made by the Genu^L nation^ and contemplated by the 
Italian* Both priesthood and laity will be free enough if free to 
teach and worship, and, as Honourable Members are wont to say, 
" free to confess," 

At I^astl 

** Mbss&s. Bxjll and Son will commence the erection of the New Law 
Courts on the 6th of January, being the fint Monday in the New Yiiar/* 

The New Year is beginning well. Mmses. John Bull axd Soys 
are glad to hear the ^oiod news, and hope that some of the present 
generation will survive to see the Courts finished and opened for 
business^ With such a cheering prospect before us, the oompletion 
of the Wellington Monument m St.Paul*s^ ^e embellishment of 
Leicester Siiuare, the purification of the streets, and many other 
long-deferred and much needed improvements, do not seem sdto* 
gether hopeless. 


Be. Ctillen made a speech last week, and everyhody knows what 
a Cullenical speech is, so we need not repnort it. iJut the combative 
Doctor was pleased to say that a certain proposition (it is hardly 
necessary to add a rational and an ti -Ultramontane one) ** must 
cicite the laughter of all serious persons/* Floreai Sihemiit .' 


Jakuart 17, 1874.] 




Chorm of Ladies (io comehj Curate), ** O, Mr. Swektlow, do take Caeb i Don't go up 1— 
so Daxgceoub! Do comb down I 1*' 

Ikcior (BarcaslicaUyl ** I<J!ally» Swiuetlow, don't YOU Think you'd better let a 
IJAiitftD Han do that n !" 

" Facit I&dignatio Var«u«."— i/»*<?ffw/. 

** The JSmm/ CoTTfepondrnt from Indid states that the Orientali dmro that Hbb Ma/bsty BhoiiM bear 
fiw imdennootiQiio^l tlil,^ «hirh jirt' hi-r right/' 

i'tJNCH loves Ma (iueeB^ the Queen of Ind^ 
But fltoiitly awenrs that he 

Won't cull her fe>HJLHAN-8HAH-I-llXNB» 

Or Zil-i-Sauh.viji. 
Her name \ Victoeia and Reqtna, 
So ahut tip, India, likewke Chiuju 

[Drinks fffqumtly to M, M.'s HmHh, 





Tm! Tmes^ the other day, announced b 
very decidt^d case of — 

•♦ CoKsciENCJi Moxjiy.-'Tbe OwAifCBLton 
or TH8 ExciiEorEit Aonounccs tbif rvcdpt of 
a l«n*pouiiil D«>tc from * B.,* for Incotiie*tajt." 

"B/; stands for Booby, That»^ in all 
probability, is all that nccas be eaid about 
that initial, in the aboye place. And ytt 
may not **B.'* possibly mean *' Brick- 
layer/- or some otner deflcription of Work- 
ing-man, in the receipt of wa l i t i hit 
in the year to a Bum far Qhy\ i ual 
income of many an official t i. .rv, ;,, iuy a 
Clergyman, Solicitor, or Medical Man ? 
It is certAinly just conceivable that sueh 
a member ol the working classes nmy 
feel ashamed of poing untaxed by an im- 
post which subjects other, and poorer^ if 
cleanlier and more re*>pectable- looking 
members of those claase?, to peeidinr 
taxation. The sense of being thus tm- 
juBtly favoured may, perharis, embitter the 
tea which such an one drinltR the cheajier 
for the direct taxation of those others. 
"B*" can hardly aigniiy **Bibax" in the 
sense of atijipler; because^ Working-men 
who consume intoxicating fluids do, at least, 
in a measure, tax themselves, and con- 
tribute sometning, if not tbeir share, to 
the national expenses. 


Mrs. Dorinoton CnrLwoirrn presenting 
her husband with a few more little. Chribt- 
mas bills. 

Mastees Hoback and Alfbed, and, Miss 
Mab£L SwEEiiNGTON, the monuug after a 
large Juvenile party— arrival of the Doctor. 

Miss Eva Bixlislk in the study with 
Papa and Mamma — sb© lias just announced 
her determination not to accept the pro- 
posals of Mr. Matthew Wohsttkii, the 
wealthy banker and brewer, and intimated 
her partiality for Mu. Montagu Gobj>on 
Teviot, a tliml Secretary in Her Majesty's 
Diplomatic Service. 

Unexx>ected return home at 10 P*K,, of 
Mb. and Mas. Stahveleigh — a large 
servants* party in the kitchen. 

The reading of the will of Mb. Josiah 
GRmBOD in the presence of his assembled 
relatives— bulk of the profierty left to the 
Commissioners for the ilcduction of the 
National Debt* 

Mb, CiOT^FrNGiLL, a ^oung and inexperi- 
enced performer, playing a rubber with 
three old hands— he has just made a revoke. 

Miss Chabmion receiving the con^tu- 
latious of Mrs. Locxebby and the girls on 
her engagement to Snt Hastikos Bt. 
Leonabds— Sib Hastings, who has twelve 
thousand a year, was conspicuously atten- 
tive to SoFHY Lgckebby last summer at 
G 01' borough. 

The Tichborne Jury— the moment of re- 

A Problem Solved. 

About the Queen the Bart, C. Dilie 
Vents talk as acid &8 sour milk. 
Pttnth wants to know if this bci true 
Width, told t-ci Mm. he tells to yon. 
How a great Lady deigned to wonder 
At Chabley^s an ti- Windsor thunder. 
** His father was so kind and mild — 
I knew this gentleman a child: 
1 *ve stroked his hair. I sometimes sav, 
/ mtt^i have Uroked U the wrong wayJ^ 


Vol. LXVL— 1874. 


[Jakuabt 17, 1874. 


AiELY proudt Mr, 
Punch mtfoduDes the 
folloTring little irem, 
wliioli has l>een sent 
him by an utiknowii 
but bene voleat friend, 
Tho sentiment is flo 
amiablo that it needs 
no reoommendation. 
Eeflned readers will 
pleaMi in oonaidera- 
tion ol the virtuous 

EurpoBeT to forget the 
ttle f aet that nobody 
eats orangea in the 
street exoept the olass 
t^ whom such an ap- 
peal would be made m 

** Buy my^ Opanges, 
bay I " la a winter- 
time ory, 
That needs to go 
with it/* Take care 
unth the peeV 
" Don't throw it away on the pavement," I say ; 
While yonr fruit you enjoy, leam for others to feel. 

For experience has taught, how, from mere want of thought, 

Some very sad accidents happen each day : 
So many, in Town, by the peel are thrown down, 

That I hope you will yours in the road throw away. 

Just remember— to some, old age has now come. 
Who are weak and short-sighted ; yet not these alone : 

Some that slip down are young, and you might be among 
Those ijDJured for life, oy some orange-peel thrown. 

Eat the fruit, so you should, it 's delicious and good, 

A wholesome dessert it is after a meal ; 
But if ate in the street, don't throw under feet 

The peel— for I want you for others to feel. 

Sbnex £t Seiolis. 

Ak AirswEB TO AH Ecclesiastical Cobbmpondent.— "G'iWGfOBF'tf Powder,*^ 
Quite right. Tou win your bet. The Bjet. Mb. Gbxgobt first invented his 
own powder, and then, as an appropriate compliment, he was made a Canon. 


Satb the Half-Grown to the Florin, 

" You 're un-English to the core— 
Your Tery name is f orei^n^ 

As your oonduot is, stul more. 
'Twixt the Grown and its better half 

You haye thrust your ugly mug in, 
And with decimal-system chaff 

Fools succeeded in humbuggin', 

'* You 've edged the little sixpence 

Out of hosts of payments meanly, 
Where poor devils used to kicks pence 

Must feel the loss of, keenly. 
A florin-tip is shabby. 

Where a half-crown tip 's the thing 
And the curse of the wronged Cabby 

Should to your base metal cling ! 

" The road that you have followed 

By loxig faces one may track — 
Here, a flunkey flrlum and gravelled. 

There, a schoolboy looking black I 
Your flne decimal relations 

No comfort bring poor men ; 
They prefer my deviations 

From the iron rule of ten. 

" To the decimal conformity 

Of your two bobs I bow. 
But proudly the enormity 

Of sixpence more avow. 
Methinks you should feel humbled— 

Or, if you don't, I do. 
To be felt for, and forth fumbled. 

The sixpence first, then f/ou. 

'* But for shillings twain you figure ; 

A sixpence more I join : 
So, though not appreciably bigger, 

Am one-fifth a Mtter coin. 
To say nothing of the lineage 

That the Crown and me unites^ 
Which is no< all gammon and spinach, 

Whate'er Dilke speaks or writes. 

" No 89sthetical perfection 

You can claim for your bare f aoe ; 
Thouffh to Florence you connection, 

Ana your source to Amo, trace. 
I wr you 're an impostor . 

Whose springs Tower-ditch* can claim. 
And all whose Tuscan boasts are 

Founded only on a name. 

'* You 're an upstart, whom the i 

In breeding irom the brain 
Of decimal notationers. 

To work poor Britons bane. 
Till, at last, sole sway contriTing, 

As nestling cuckoos do, 
You 're to oust the Half-Gnywn stRrinfft 

Who made kindly zoom lor yoo. 

*' But John Bietll will not stand it ; 

Spite of decimals and dodgers, 
To Fbeehaittle he '11 send mandate 

To keep his old purse-lodgers. 
If or Hali-Crown or Florui are 

I' the Mint to be put down. 
He '11 cry, * Exeat the foreigner. 

And leave me the Half-Crown I ' ^ 

• On the edge of which standi the Mint. 

Univeraity Intelligence. 

UNDMRQKADUATaaaBa at Cambridge, Ladies are to be 
admitted as Members of the University. Three Graces 
have passed the Senate. Next year the Margaret Pro- 
fessorshipwiU be held by a young Lady. So will the 
Divinity ftofessorship. The bolder of the latter must 
herself he a Divinity. 

jANtJABT 17, 1874.] 




IVOTEIiLT^Kifi Holi- 
neii ike Pqfe (ftc- 
ooiding to the 
Tiinet Bpeoisd 
CoireHpondcnt at 
Rome), is busily 
engaged in trans- 
f errmg the Tarious 
reliaij heret^jfore pre- 
served m the Eoman 
Chnrchesi to the Vati- 
can, lest thej should 
be deaeoratecL by the 
hands of sub-Alpiiie 
nnbelievera :— 

"With this view, hi* 
hai alrend^ withdrawn tb<? 
heA^i of the Apostlee Pete& 
and Paitl from a Pfis^oaiflt 
monastery^ and that of St. 
John the Baptiat from a 
ClariBjBifiii nuHDtry, The 
pious BiBterhood who hod 
thii latter precious &ktill in 
thetr keti'pin^] pspreBsnd to 
His Halin^ss thf^ir re^t at 
parting with the reUc, biit 
be^gpd to bo allowed, hy 
way of ooQAoIatioD^ at least 
td retain tho rcliquarj ; and 
the empty wooden hoii all 
ftaddea with jeweli, y»m 
laft lo ihem. The oaoera of the Ot&nogm haw not boon wen m Bxime to-day," 

Hmtifia will not fail to draw oomparisens between the aota of the PoPB» in reapect of the 
Apoitle^ haodsy so called, and the aets of the Apo^let themselTes. Let them* Those latest 
acta of hit h&y^ a politieai sigriificanee. Of course, there ia now no fear that the Holy Father 
entertaim any idea of quitting Rome* It is mcredible that he has not made np liia mind to 
abide by the aacred au.d oateological tr^aanraa which he has amasa^ at the Vatican* If he 
i to leaye them behind him there, what would become of themf The alleged heads of the 

Sainta aboye-named would, perhaps, he 
tranifemd to a museum of anatomy, hy 
authorities who U'ould not consider tnem 
stamped as Retiuine with the aeal of Infal- 
libility. Sceptical ph renologista would pro- 
bably proetxre casta to he taken of them^ 
with a Tiew to see whether their conforma- 
tion was what it ought to be if they were 
anthentiOt No; the Pope cannot choose 
but stay by the heads of the Apostles and 
the Saint — miraeuioualy preserved for above 
ei^btoen eenturies. To any eoimseUor who 
might advise liim to decamp, his reply 
wonld bo, Non pGimimtis, Now, therefore, 
it is evident that the French Government 
has no longer the laintest shadow of reason 
or excuse for keeping the frigate Oritjwqtw 
one moment Iong«t on the station which 
she has so long offenMvely ooenpied off 
Civita Veodiia. 


" WiLiT is Manzanilk P " 

' *Tia a kind of wino 
Drunk in many a villa. 

Where small parties dine, 
^Tis a wine» though known as 

One of Sherry's shapes^ 
Not like JD0$ihnnmti% 

That was made of grapea* 

This, we 're told the way to 

Make on Britiah soil i — 
Brandy— bad— ijotato 

Bpint, fusel oil, 
Oil of almonds hitter, 

Wine-oaak wash quarU: m^i — 
For the table fitter 

Fancy any stuff I 


{See the Exeter Case.) 

A Sbooztd DomnAK, a new Dioclstiak, 

These times to High Churchmen will bring out, 
If 9 in hot persecution, with no retribution, 

A Temple can thus take his fling out ; 
A Phillpots— for beagle— allowed to inveigle — 

O qtiantule, ex quanto, sacerdos ! — 
In his Court, which I don't own, declaring he won*t own 

As legal, my extra-high Beredos. 

'Tis time for my moan in Priest's Latin intoning, 

As an Anglican Dean rightly zealous, 
Called to face, as offender, the mercies nntender 

Of Teicplb,— that scourge,— and his fellows. 
I^felix Eccleeiay heus^ deeus^ 

Ore Templi prqfectum in ahenOy 
An ttU T8C€B darsale^ aut Pontiflcale 

Liddeh* Bamahm Baldacchino / 

O'ct rough places and plain they won't let us ^ve rein, 

On our ride, priestly, post-haste, to Borne still, 
The Anglican stipends we stoop to retain 

Should their owners, they say, keep at home still. 
WOl hATe no introducing, and won't see a use in 

Rome's ritual, with no Bomish rifht to— 
H^ moppings and mowing, her boDbings and bowings. 

Bells, yesnnents, incensings, and lights, too. 

'Ti« enough saints to fret— they forbid us to set 

The Ohuroh 'hove the Law in our borders. 
Till tiie priest and his fonotions no reverence can get 

But respect for his mere holy orders. 
Nav— what could we he less P— we 're not free to confess, 

A thing every M.P. is free to— 
And— rile persecution— on priest's absolution 

And its wiiite-waahing power tiiey ^p veto. 

If f^armfeXfperffe^diBDj to the Clergy 
AU toe powers to a priesthood belonging ; 

• XMM^ gen: Lat: LzmnLXr-Biy. B. uidentood. 

So far from being ever in the right, we are never— 

If their judgments can pnt us the wrong in. 
Law of Church has tumea fetterer ; to *' Quod semper, et cetera,** 

These heretics give a new reading^— 
" But give Bituansm scope, and you '11 find that for rope 

To hang itself ever 'tis pleading." 

While " obedience " is rule, for the priests of our school 

That rule only holds on conditions : 
Obey the Priest : true : but the Bishop ? not you— 

Unless he accepts our positions. 
If the Bench dare to raise, in these heretic days, 

As they 're apt, in the priests' teeth their horn up. 
We spit at their ruling, we kick at their schooling. 

Their orders we tear, in our scorn, up I 

They may prate of humility, preach up docility, 

As virtues for special Church benison. 
That 's all very well, till your Bishops rebel. 

Then follow example of Denison. 
Kick over the ropes, cry up candles and copes, 

Mariolatry, bows, genuflexions, 
Baldacchino and reredos, and uphold sacerdos 

'Gainst bishops' and laymen's objections I 


OxjR friends the Americans are thought to take a ^^)od deal of 
interest in the British aristocracy. That such interest is an intelli- 
gent one is clear from the following Wheatstone which we have just 
cut from the leading Chicago paper :— 



** London, Nov. 16.— It is said that Sib John, the Duke of ELunnxis, 
will be elevated to the Peerage." 

The eminent Baronet, who is also a Duke, and yet not a Peer, will 
be fflad to hear the gocMl news of his approaching elevation. If he 
willoome and lunch with us, and talk it over, we will ask the noble- 
man who was the other day Snt JoHxr Dxtxe Colebidoe to meet 
him. Would he be sorpiisea to read the above P 



{Al^^mon is devoted to Science^ and makes his young bride read all the ntw SeietUific Books to Mm,) 

Mrs, Altftmon. ** Rkally, Aujkrnoh, all this aboitt Difjeakktial and Intkqral Calcttltts, and Biostatics, anu Biody- 
KAMtca, AND Molecules, and CaNCRETjfa and Thino's, fiKEiiH to ux, hatiikr exihaohdinary ! You can't oenkhally aocttss me 



As the name of the author of the recent coup d^Staf should he spelt 
— {see Mr* Punches Cartoon) — not PAYLi, 

PooE Spain ! wKoae searoh for saTiour 

StiU closes in a oraab, 
'Twiis not too aoon for Patiouk 

Tiiy Cortes up to smash I 

Madrid turn Murcia's schookr I 
WLoae government scarce vEuriea: 

CoNTHEiLASj Murcio*6 Tuler, 
Madrid's rule of conti'iries. 

The monarch that he wanted 
Yuur Don, prond Donkey » shelves. 

Ere yonr Eepublic *s planted 
You muflt learn to rule youraelves. 

Carlists, IntramigenteB, 

Pi y Margaila, Sfdmerons, 
With Prietta and Pretendentes, 

All tuf^ging Spain* B hare bonea. 

Thy Patio era' 8 impatience 
With Castelab's " good intentionn," 

May cheek paving operationB 
In a place that no one mentions : 

But till fine words S^am 's waiving 

For rational behaviour, 
That place will no^er want paving, 

And Spain will lind the pATTorTi, 


Ablk Director of Journal, we jf«y, man^ 

Siindy enough is as good as a feasts 
Do lot's have done with this botht:;r of Haymait, 

*Tisn*t amusing, dear friend, in the least. 

Over and over we *ve had the old story^ 

Which in two linca it is easy to state : 
Tories appointed an orthodnx Tory 

Successor to AnNOLD, and Temple, and Tait. 

What is the good of discussing it sulkily ? 

How could the lliin?? be except as it w ? 
If in a glass you put acid to alkali, 

Wliat, tiomme de garce^ can result but a fizz P 

Wliy should the Doctor be loftily gibbeted, 
Like hie old namesake 't He 's not in disgrace. 

In plenty of Schools where Free Thought is prohibited, 
He *d be a very fit man for his plaoe. 

But Rugby must stick to her Broad Church troditioiw— 
Tatt, TEMPLE, and Arnold built not ** for a day." 

There ■ s room in the kingdom for aU sorts of Missions — 
Announce ** Ko more words on this subject," we pray, 

Awful Example. 

Rfder to Mr. Punor, wA^* i» writing hia hankH for (h4 tvminff |Wf/, « w- 
' eaUttfi Frknd^ who tjt dimply un the Uangt, 

Friend. Ah, my boy, how are you ? Nearly five o* clock. How 
the days get out f 

Mr. Punch, LstrTATK THEM. \^Bxit Friend. 








Jaituabt 17, 1874.] 






R^fmrt4 himieff i\fUsr vuiUnff the Ohh^ and the UauniarkeU 

EEE, SiT^ let me thank 
you publicly for your 
Iionourable mention of 
Your Representative. 
** How doth the little 
Busy Bee?" Pretty 
well, thank you ; but, 
my aeiuf Sir, how ore 
Ynu f Thiit You, Sir, 
should bo torn from 
your fireside, from 
your wine and wal- 
nuts, your buns and 
burgundy, from irour 
eighteenpenny oigar 
and Civil Service- 
store coifee, is more 
than I can bear. Let 
WW run the risk of 
draughts, oougha or 
colds, bad sixpence s, 
foreign ooina given in 
change (of no value in 
or out of England), 
and impertinences 
from cabmen^ and do 
you, Sir, continue to 
shine at Octopian 
gatherings in Utopian 
T ' airl may you live happily ever afterwards. 

It that duty must be done, and so I repreeented you, Sir, 
ikv t.iv l..,jI>*j Theatre one night, and at the Hay mark *^^ onAther. 

At the first 1 saw Heari'B DtHghU which, the PI > iblic— 

**who«e name," as an old lady of my acquaint ys, "ia 

Belgium'* (she means Legion),— has long ere this been aware, is 
Mn. ILlllldat's dramatic version of Domheu atid Sm. And I 
should say it is decidedly a success* The novel was a dif - ;'* 
to treat dramatically^ but, having once iixed on it, Your 
tative is inclined to think that the dramatiaer (graating L._ ^...^: .- 
view) has done his work capitally. 

How can such people as Ihmhey, Carker, and Ediih^ be repre- 
si«nted on the stage as other than they seem to be in the illustrations 
— tjTjes of characters in a sensational romance of the London Journal 
kind? But iMymhty can*t be left out of Domhe^. exactly. How- 
ever, these difficult and thankless parts are well played by Mh. 
CowTSB aa Domhetj^ and by Ma. FKRyAHDEZ as Carlcer, 

Taking it all round* a better cast for this drama could not have 
been got tojrpther. mi^^ Caklotta Addisojt — a charming, intelli- 
gent, and >\ ' ■" ^' I'M.Ey Barry— aregal j&f^VA, 
but with i i/iM that Pmz drew: but 
th«a EdUJ* i*t4nx.a wu.^ .^a ^ii^ivunc^ivuuy, and what could mater 
ft otrmmi ihaxi Miaa Babht do with an impossibility ? Thin uiere 's 
Mb« MoytAOiTX, who is ToaU and WaVr, Your Kepreasaitihtive b 
of opinion, on mature consideration, that, taking an eecentrio* 
comedy view of Tooh^ Mr. Montague does with him all that could 
very well h^ done with such an imbecile. But I do believe, that, 
had it been turned into a genuine Low Comedy Maiii and oould the 
right Low Ck>medy Man in the right place have been got hold of, a 
farcical Toots y im utterly absurd ana impossible (another impos- 
sible) Toots ^ would have been better for the situations in which he 
appears. 'wer, of course, would in that case have been 
more stror 1 up : she *8 good, however, as she is, and she is 
Mis« Majiia ii.'LL.K^. Mfi. CowPEE, by tho way, ** doubles" 
^9mh^ ftod BuH$bu: it *b a pity that Bun&hy couldn't have been 
repfeeented by Mb* Comfton. Of course the latter comedian would 
not have taken the epiflodical character as he is ; but the Public ia 
often more token by a graphic sketch than by the most highly- 
iinished picture. But, after aU said and done, tho interest dves 
eeatre in CapUiin Cttitle, admirably represented by Mr. Emery. 
Th» return oi JFal^r^ safe and sound, is the diamatic climax of the 
^iM6; and when that cheerful gay sailor runs in and embraces 
^lortmct. in the presence ol Captam Ed'ard Cidtk^ there are, all 
<ivier the hooset ^^ ohoers, tears, and laughter,^' and a genuine hit is 

Charity^ which begins, not at home, but at the Haymarket at 
nren-thirty, is chieny remarkable for the excellent acting both of 
Mmb. KsimAL (Mifej RojKi vT-'*>-^ a^ Mrt, Van Bru^h^ and Mas, 
MiLLON as the tramp, Ii :*'M. a ohmnacter which brought 

forciblyto my taind mcl . r glories of the past; or, as my 

friend Waqg said, the Mellon- diomatic days of the 5d Adelphi, 

Chariht--'mhj so called it is, perhaps, a ti'iiie difficult to say ; but, 
on the other h^id, why not P— is Btyled in the biUs "a Play," so 

that, as **Plav" is the generic word, the audience, having paid its 
money, may ohoose for itself whether it wiU consider it a comedy, a 
melodrama^ a serious drama, or a comic drama. Your Representative 
would be inclined to style it a Melodramatio Proverbe. At the 
finish of a Proverbe, you know, the audienoe has to guess what the 
word was, what, in fact, it has all been about, Andlierein lies the 
main defect of Charity. 

Mr* SmaUey, the elder, most oarefoUy played throughout by Mr. 
Howe, bears a strong family resemblance to the highly respectable 
Bimker in Middiemareh i the resemblance beiD|r heighteiieGl by the 
existence of a Sffmiley^ Jun.^ his son, capiwlyiuayed by Ma« 

There is not a fault to be found with the acting throughout, and 
well indeed does Mna, JLebtdal deserve the enthusiastic applause 
which summons her before the curtain at the end of the Thiidr Act. 

Me. CxnPTEN'nAJLB U the Colonial Bishop elect, and a much more 
satis^tory personage than the conscientious but amorous young 
ourate in The New Magdalen, In the last Act» however, the author 
has lightened the character of the Colonial Bishop elect a little by 
giving him something of the Church militant attributes of the pug- 
nacious Father Somebody in the Peep a^ Day. To the latter, as an 
Irishman, it seems to oomc naturally enough, and out come kis fist 
well from the shoulder, and his man was floored ; but to the Anglican 
Vicar, who has slumbered in a pariah for nearly half a century, this 
sudden awakening is a little strange^ especially as he restrains his 
own impulse to kick Stimtley^ Jumor^ first, and Smaihy^ Senior, 
afterwards, but strongly expresses his wish to seo his son, Ted 
Athelney^ perform the oncration for him, vicariously. 

Not a better man coula have been picked out than Me. Teksdalk 
for 7W Athtlney, Indeed, the oaat is altogether good, and worthy 
of the Haymarket reputation. 

For the writing, tlie First Act is easy, even, never brilliantly 
epigrammatic, but always on a lively, agreeable level, conveying a 
promise of better things to come in the following Acts ; a promiKc, 
which, howeverj save in the conception of the Private Detective's 
character fwho is Tricoche and CaeoUti rolled into one, and oarrying 
out two plots all by himself), in the really good comedy scene 
between the two Smailey^ in tne oommencement of the Third Act, 
and the situation in the Fourth where Smailey Junior throws over 
£ve, i« not satisfactorily fulfilled. From which remarks it wUl be 
^-•^ rr-d that the play is well worth senng, not so much for its own 
loe, but as an exhibition of the excellenoe of those whose 
no art has carried it through to a sueoeBsful issue. 

That Mk. BcrcKSTONE had only to appear and announce himself as 
a member of a Private Inquiry Office ashamed of his calling, was 
quite enough to send the house into oonvulsions of laughter. He ia 
very funny, and I canH help fancying how almost irresistible the 
temptation must have been to Me. Gilbert to put iuch a detective 
into the various disguises which he tells us in an amusing speech he 
has at various times been foroed to aamme. 

The speech itself suggeafci a groteeique subject for a ** Bab Ballad,** 
to be styled The Detmndmg Jjeteciive : or, the Conmentiom dm- 
skibie. The multituae ol sins covered by Charity are more than 
condoned by the goodness of much in the piece itself, and the un- 
doubted excellenee of the entire performance. And so, wishing 
You, Sir, and everj'body before and behind the curtain at the Hay- 
market, Manager, Author, and Actors, the oompliments of the 
season now fast passing away, for we are settling down into the 
work of *74, 1 beg to sign myself ever, on an off-night, 


P.S.^>b8erve the signature ; none other genuine* Kext week I 
propose giving you a detailed account of Raymond and Agnca; or, 
the Bleemmf Nun of LindcTtberg^ which no visitor to the Haymarket, 
fond of a Mich Dramatic Treaty should omit seeing. I am going to 
see it again, I must. I will, Y. ll. 

Kniattu-a fipic. 

The Duke op Camheidgb stood by Sajc8*8 shop, 
And from an Officer received a wop. 
Nay, several wops, but, though he hod a cane» 
He saw the case, and would not strike again. 
We oftentimes have jested with our Duke — 
Nay, in our smile conveyed a mild rebuke ; 
But he *B a gentleman. Instinctive act 
Had struck a head that was already cracked- 
Refraining, Georoe obtained, in Punch's pagee. 
Lines that shall speak his name to distant ages. 

{ThbeptUupiM &s$Ur OtfMNiI m erder to mokm mw difituliv thai i 
«riM* m the mmde 9fJmmrwm Vmi«nfiom the ttt§ qfthewerd^^ £o«t, 

" The * Boss ' of this Cathedral is not The Bishop." 








** It WAfi Mr. Robikson gavb it& that Boat, Auntt 1*' 
** And did tou Kish nra fob rr, ABTHtra ! *' 

" No, tNDSXD 1 Ab up Mb^ WSftB Jlf THK HaSIT OF KlSAnfQ MACB OtWEB, AfNIT 1 *' 


Ik n letter in the J>Wji, on ** Vivisection," the following pasBnge i& quoted from a 
popular work on physiology :— 

' ** These onimAli (mbbiU) may be mAde to bluab artificmlly. If, in a mbbil, the »ytnT)ttthotic ncrrv 
yiMoh aendft bnmcbe« to tlte vesseLi of ibe head is uiit, the e&r of tbs robbit . . , &t once blaibca/' 

A physiologist who cuIh, in a live rnl>hit, tho M'rapatlu'tifl iicrvo which .mentis brunches 
to the vesfieb of the head, cannot, one thinks, be more thun very partially endowed with the 
faculty to which that ncrvo is fiuhHorvicut, At luaat, he must be one of those whom, as 
*' wanting Ht*Ti»ibUity," the poet " would not enter on " his ''list of frienda." Nothing could 
make him blush except dividing the syuipathetic neiTC which sends branches to the vessels 
qI hU own head ; but, if that operation were perf onnedi he, toO| would perhaps at once 
blnih up to the ears. 


The Briiitsh Army, in generalj cannot be 
considered to be overpoia. and it must be 
conf eaaed that a very moaerate remunera- 
tion is received in proportion to the services 
rendered by that particular division of our 
f'orces, which remains on oonetant skir- 
miehing duty in the streets and about our 
premises, ever on the watohp and ready to 
act immediately against our domestio 
enemies^ the dangerous olasse*. No reason* 
able person, who nas a due regard for the 
seourity of his goods and chattels, and the 
safety of his sKin, can think the amount 
of pay assigned to the National Property 
and Life Guards (Blue) excessive. Be it* 
then, suf^gested that gentlemen and ladies 
in the giving vein, and blessed with the 
means of free effusion from that vessel, 
might do well, at the giving season of the 
year especially, to follow the example thus 
recorded in the Hampshire Independent : — 

•*A Niw Ybab's Gift for th« Policb.— 
Uns, Genboal RooBbs, of HigMeld, has gene- 
rously forwarded a lum of £10 to Miu SursaiN- 
TBXDENT Dbeaht, for divinon amofOf tho num* 
bera of the borough police force, for a New Tear's 

Too generally the only acknowledgment 
accorded, ot the festive season of the year. 
to our gallant defenders from thieves ana 
niffians, consists in the complimentary sort 
of Cbristmas^box which they are wont to 
be treated with on Boxing-night and there- 
after nightly for some weeks, in being ridi- 
culed, for the diversion of the juvenile 
British Public, and the pickpockets, on 
the stage. At Southampton, however, the 
*^ Bobbies" have, this year, obtained a 
more suitable recognition, in the shape of 
certain *'bob," the dividend of the ten 
pounds given to be distributed among them 
by Mhs. Roqee». 


In connection with the approaching 
marriage of the Duke of EDDrnuKOH, 
according to the Greek rite, it has been 
stated that, in the Greek Church, a monk, 
however high his position, is not allowed to 
perform the matrimonial service. That 
rite can be administered only by a married 
priest. Dr. Johnson once improvised a 
lamous parody on the inoonaiderately ad- 
mired line : — 

^^ Who rules o*er fre^iuen shotdd himjelf be free/* 

Undoubtedly, at that rate, — 

" Who dri^-es fat oxen should himself bo fat/* 

And then the Greek Church speakfl 
reason in virtually declaring that: — 

" Who m&rriei others mutt himself be morriiML^* 

Our own Established Church knows of 
no such canon ; makes a reverend bachelor 
as eligible as a married clergyman to 
solemnise matrimony. Yet, when a 
'* marriage in high life** occurs, it is 
commonlv performed hy a Bishop, assisted 
by anotner ecclesiastic, as though the 
nuptial knot could not be tied ti^ht enough 
for the superior classes by a single man. 
This view of the matter may not be without 
signiftoanee to some minds, with regard to 
the proposal of union between the Greek 
and Anglican Churches, 

A Reottlab J>o i)o,— The New Dodo. 

ANrABT 17, 18T4.] 



RUualiatk Miitret^ •*How duj you like the Sehvioii thw liojiKiKO, 
lUiiY r ' 

LitiU Lcm-Chnrch Maid. **WELt, M*M, I oak't bay I liked it much. 


IMitireu tooTtders wfuit u ihe proper answer, but ilun^ camiderinsf thai her Hair 
U of more importanct. Uian her Maicts opinimhs^ directs thai the Toilet be 


Or the mildDOflB u£ the Se&son 

Maskf n pr«ttjr proof we've seen ; 
Bloflstxms mum aiid apple trees on, 

Dtisiea bkommflr <^ the green, 
Primroses and penwinkles, 

Violets, too, on banks that blow, 
Hurd by wlicTe the sheep-hell tinkles, 

Lambkins hleaty and Eeif ers low : 

Birds that raise untimeU^ voieea ; 

Song and miflsel thi ing, 

So a« when their kind : 

O'er a tine fat slug m fipiinj^. 
Toads and frogs* from winter's Blombcr, 

Whioh on fiuniT ^' "^ «»...iv . 
Ere a few morel l^er 

They may find i ike. 

8onth-weat wtntl, a irreen Tule blowing, 

Fatten cli i i though it should, 
Lato mild V Ijc&tu^ving' 

Is a wind u^lJ .r^v,v iib good. 
Blew the King down, which awaited 

Bitter winter ; bless their souls I 
KtvDt demand baok» and abated, 

Prosperous gale, the price of ( 

Of all tokens of the present. 

Or the recent, season mild, t 
This one is the sign mu&t pleasant ; 

f T7 atf with cheaper fuel piled. 
* I ipera 

by Town, 
MaKiiig lui-'ui mat ruaci cut oapers ; 

News that coak are going down. 




American En^lislt. 

Tee Yankees are said to have lately coined another 
new word to express the act, sometimes committed even 
in the United States, of a man who kills his wife. They 
call it "uxoricide." This is better than most of their 
additions to the Dictionary* They might have denomi- 
nated wife- slaughter conjugioide ; whioh would have 
been ambiguous. *^ Uxoricide,'' having been esUib- 
Hshed as a current expression, must of course be 
balanced with a name to signify the oonrerse deed, 
which, by parity of nomenclature, will bo termed 


pEorLE aooustomed to regard the Question of choice between 
*' cremation" and interment sentimentally^ might as well consider 
what it amounts to in the view of en^ -* * - ' "<pntiment. It is simply 
thfi question whether there is miyn lisagreeable in the im- 

~"^"~''>thtLii there is in the gradual 1 ^ ition of organic remains. 

By eremu' managed, all ihe constituents of the thing 

burnt, Bx particles, are sent in gaseous forms up a 

tail chimney mto li ^t^re, and the skies. In case of inter- 

ment they leak out ^-ases into the mirrounding air, which 

'"" >--'»'>": '^^'-^ ! ^^ * ' ^^0 neighbouring earth; thus 

; eln : and so into the water 
' rnativc conditions of things 
dui I deem tlie uiota r 11 Strutiment approve of a wine that 

com body, is it e<juaUy partial to water capable of the 

iOBie ue^' ' ' ' ' t tment m plta^ed to see eommons and 

Myeil fpflr. ertedinto cemeteries ; and, if not, how 

does SintLL.,.,, .... _ .^. ^ . ;-i)ect of their ultimate abolition whioh 
most result from the continual spread of population on a limited 
arf?a? The spirits of the wise may wtU sit in the clouds and mock 
^ire where their bodies ought also to be, resolved 
^ elements instead of entering into the lungs and 

in the wrong places. 1 1 
thov iirt l»v L-rowdvd chi 
incf ' ' y ear indt 

pest iUed for V 

putting corruptible matter 
ls in which, surrounded as 
en to nwri is addressed now 
to the noee. Cremation an- 
.mansirations by those wiio 

waul It, 1 tie dead aie at kust doing all they oan to force their 

clttinn on our attention. 


HELP, TnoMAs Moo&E, here 's a sin and a shame, 
Lend a hint from the verse you indignantly writ 

When John Uubsell, fatigued with political game, 
Thought of turning philosopher, poet, or wit. 

Says you — and uncommonly handsome you wrote — 
** Thou, bom of a Kussell, whose instinct to run 

The accustomed career of thy aires'' need we quote 

That elegant bit about '* eagle and sun " f 

But Thomas, Thomas, what, what shall we say 
To a borough that should be eternally proud 

That your Russell sat for it— and yet goes astray^ 
what shall be done to the Voters of Stroud ? 

With the broad Ajajt-shield of the Ballot on high 
(Periphrastic, you know, Tom, for * telling a itory '), 

Bad Stroud has linnk sneaking, so alaviah and sly. 
And where EueieBLL hath sat there ia sitting a Tory ! 

Like^bother a inmile, usually lame— 
Lei this sentence proceed from the PopuU To^^ 

'* We^l speak not, we'll trace not, we'U breathe not its 
The name of base Stroud. Let it aleep in the— Box 1 '^ 



Ocktvim (after th$ Panlomivu}> ** Ta, did yoxt bver K.sow a Clowx— to Suakjs Hantj!s witu uuaV* 

Ptijta {tht^y had a lartje Family and a HviUai lACQtne), ** Ko, UTt BoY, I can't 8at 1 JEVER enjoyed TRAT HoMOint AK» PRlYtLKliE !' 

(ktaviiis, **TflEX I B*uevE that's wuy You Aia> Maxima 80metimee» look bo Ukoomfohtabul** 


At the breaklasl after tlie murriagre t>f the Duke op St. Albans 
to Miss Grack OijnonN-^E, diiugkter of our irieiid and brothor-wit| 
Me. Beilval OsBOR?iK (to whom all gratyJttlirjD), good spfeehes were 
made- We do not know whether young' hiditi will mclude Mr. 
OsBORNE*8 own sijeeoh among them. He told voiing ^lersons that it' 
thej had means, and good temper, they Kkoiila Marry. But if they 
haa not» they fihould— Rt-tlect. Nobody ever admitted that he or 
febe had not a good temMr. The moat impatient young cad that 
ever shouted and banged the table wiU allego that ne is perhaps a 
little impetuoiifl, but that it is a aign of a g^wd heart (which it is* 
not, but the revenue), and that it is aoon over. The sulkiest young 
pua« thftt ever poutai her household into discomfort will urge that 
ihe is of a eenflitive nature » aM readily hurt, and ought to be betti^r 
appreciated. So we may dismiss the temper question/ ** Means" 
is a comparative phmae* Wo rather tbinlc that in any case young 
persons will do well to " reflect," The verb is intransitive, but the 
proper use of its meaiiing will induce a good many folks to sacrifice 
certain follies of a highly transitive character. 

Ordeal by Fire. 

A coNTRovutSY has bo^n of late going on about the composition of 
wines, for the most part British, but sold as fortign. Port wine so 
called, is said by some, and denied by others, to be manufactured. 
All agree that port is a highly spirituous liquor, whether the spirit 
whioE it oontaina has, or has not, been suiK'tadded. As a rough way 
of iiscertaimng the proportion of spirit contained in a samjile of port 
wine, may be reoommended the simple experiment of taking a tea- 
spoonful thereof and throwing it into the tire. Should it immediately 
flare up like brandy, you will know what to think of it. Then, also, 
you will know what to do with it, and the best thing would be t^o 
throw the remainder after the portion, if only, by so doing, you 
wonld not cause a dangerous explosion, and set tne chimney on tire. 


Miss Mama Malapbop (who has been highly educated) says that 
the last International Exhibition was good in an asthmatic point of 
view, though tibete were several old-iashioned things, quite Ana- 
creonlsniB, and there was nothing to compare to the doors formerly 
shown by Euasia, and made of Amalekites. 


On the 9th instant, ILILII. the Prj^ck of Wales, after inaugn- 
rating the new Statue on the Ilolborn Viaduct, attended luncheon 
at the Mansion House, and the Lord Mayor (Aldermait Lusk) 
having proposed H.K.H.'s health, the Heir Apparent said : — 

^* We owe a dt!bt of thanks to that philanthropic gentleman who so kindly 
presented the et&tuo to the Corponitioa of the City of London, and I know 
that he does not wish hla muoo should be mentioned. I am aware who ho U. 
but as it is his wish thai his name should not bo dirulged| I kiuow you will 
agree with me that we ought to keep it secret,** 

W© now releote H.R.H. and the rest of our faithful MendB who 
are in the secret from the pledge to keep it any longer, for we 
announce, with sincere pleasure, that the donor of the atatue is 

Not wishing to credit himself with any liberality not properly his 
own, he adds that he raised the monev by preserving, for a year, the 
V ' " * "< 'i communications of unweicom'- * rr'-^'-mdents, and that 
I «'d au enormous number of su' liese produoiioiu 

11 is iu full operation, vtde ad^M t^), ho w>ld them, 

to be boiled down into new and sjiotless paper. lie is sure that his 
talented but unfortunate correspondents will be delighted^ to hear 
this, and he begs to inform them that he intends to ooatiiiue the 
practice of Sacking his Volunteers. 





Tlu Squire. " No ; you 've Fhightened him back too oftik/' 



Tux return of a ConaervatiYe oandidato for Stroud^ 3'ou Bay, ie 
flD other proof of Conaen'^alive r<>action. Is not what you call Con- 
fcervative reaction, dear friendB, really mere estrangement canaed by 
uspapuUr meatures? Advanced Liberals are quite capable of 
unpopular kffislation* Those very Liberal gentlemen, the Puritan 
Legislators of the Commonwealthi mode laws which rendered them 
very unpopular indeed. People bate rulers who curtail their 
frecaom, particularly in putting them under petty, vexatious, 
irntatiufr r^fitrictions of personal liberty. Grinding eoonomjr, effect- 
ing for tte community at large relief from ineeneible taxation, and 
beggaring numerous individuals, makes few and cold friends, but 
many and ardent enemies. Sordid indUferenoe or opposition, from 
considerations of m«re revenue, to the demands of pooular sentiment, 
u apt to breed contemptuous unpopularity. Mean, snabbv, merciless 
trtatment of a pubUo servant in his hour of need engenders a mix- 
ture of Bcom and execration. 

No, dear friends, there is no Conservative reaction as yet. Liberals 
may well enough vote for Opposition candidates. They have reason 
to nope that, as for democracy, Mr, Disraeli will try to outbid Mu. 
OuLDSTO^VE. But it is just possible that a Conservative reaction to 
fill intents and purposes may very soon set in. There is some little 
danger that it will set in immediately upon the opening of Parlia- 
ment. Your hope that it will not set in depends on the probability 
tliat the Tories will be fools enough not to see, or not to act upon, a 
policy by which they would be certain to get into power verj soon, and 
«tay there. If they were wise, dear friends, instead of being foolish, 
f 1. cr ,. ..vj]^ act thus. In Parliament they would systematically take 
'lompion, the cause of any Government officials or labourera» 
I and other, suddenly dismissed from their employment and 
tunwid adrift without compensation. For these victims of unsparing 
parsimony, they would try to obtain redress* They would offer the 
I ^ * i,-^ opposition possible to all Bilb, wnetber private or 

J 1' enclosure of commons or open spaces, and to all 

i ■ „ , Li^L lita *' proposed by Commiissioners mvolving the destruc- 

tion of public monuments and buildings. Not only would they 
eystemati colly oppose all new projects of restrictive legislatiaa, such 
as liauor laws of any kind, but thej; would also move the repeal of 
all mws of that sort already existing, as many as annoy people. 
They would resist all attempts to increase the extent to which the 
Public have been subjected to the dictation of the Police^ and would 
use their best endeavours to get Policemen reduced to their limited 
service of maintaining order, guarding property, and detecting and 
taking up offenders* Finally, they would unite in doing their very 
best to defeat all proposed enactments, which, except for moneys 
certain worth, would add a new impost to local taxation, and lay 
one more burden on the rate-payers. 

But, dear friends* the Tories arc no Jesuits. There is small fear 
that they will adopt the tactics above indicated. Yet think, if thty 
did, how dreadful the consequences would be ! They would obtain 
a great majority at the next general election ; they would succeed to 
office, wherein they would maintain themselves by oontiiiuing to 
play the same insidious game, and so keeping you in a iooV^ 
paradise, whilst tliey, on the sly, would be preaerviag and perpetuat* 
mg our rotten infititutions in Chujoh and State. 

Poetical Besoription. 

Clam {readmar}, " The Goblin Page, omitting itill 
No opportunity of ilL" 

Julia {hmghvw). Tlie Gobbling Page ! What a good name for our 
AxriiONKoI And isn't it just like himP I *m uiv^ he's always 
eating, or else breaking our old eliina ! 


Mr. Jeajt LtjiI!, amonfj other matters, has been charged with 
bigamy. Hb hiMtory will be quite a Tumanco, which might be 
brought out. as the fs u'^ational Novel of the t:5eason, in fact as a 
new edition ol EHu H Law, 



[January 24, 1874. 



After a Visit to a fine Old Melodrama^ entitled^ " Raymond and 

S nsTud. Sir, when 
your Representa- 
tive pledges his 
word— (you will 
probably observe 
that he must be 
indeed hard up 
to pledffe such a 
thing ; out this is 
only your cyni- 
cism, and you do 
not mean itj — 
he redeems his 
tledge. He said, 
mean that J said 
as Your Repre- 
sentative, that I 
would go and re- 
visit the Hay- 
market, and see 
Raymond and 
Agnes, This melo- 
drama is the after-pieoe, and must be seen, and studied, to be 
thoroughly appreciated. So I went, saw, and studied ; and let me 
inform Mr. Bvckstone that, as the tags of the dear good old farces 
used to say. there was ** not a happier party sat down to supper 
on that nieht," i.e., when I saw this melodrama, than (hotcing to 
a M(/iencc) Your Representative. (Curtain. Applause,) But to my 
tale. The worst of it is, and here I apologise, Eeneal^ly, for any 
trifling inaccuracies in my account, that I have lost the bill, forgotten 
some of the names, and in a general way trust to my memory. But 
on that memory the chief features of xtamnond and Agnes^ or the 
Bleeding Nun of Lindenbera, have been indelibly impressed. 

Act I. Scene 1. A poorly-furnished chamber in a Castle belong- 
ing to Raymond^ s Father, ^aron Sternhold, That is, I think ms 
name was Stemhold^ because it reminded me of Hopkiks (Stebk- 
HOLD and Hopkins, Psalmists, old metre), but as it might not have 
been Sternhold^ and certainly wasn't Hopkins^ no harm can be done 
by assuming it to have been the latter; say. Baron Hopkins^ or 
amal^^amate the two, and call him Stemkins. This scene is not 
described in the bill. That I noticed. In fact, as far as I recollect, 
no scene seems to be considered of any importance in the piece until 
we get to the Robbers' Hut, and that is a startler; rather. But I 
must not anticipate. Well, in this meanlv-fumished apartment, in 
Baron Stemkins^ Castle, are Don Raymond and his servant Theodore 
engaged in ** packing up." Theodore is kneeling at a shabby old 
leather portmanteau, which, though it would be a tolerably fair size 
for clothes of the present day, yet could no more hold a second 
Spanish suit, such as Don Raymond wears, than it could take in 
my best hat without considerably injurinff it. Of course Don 
Raymond must have a change of clothes ana boots, and, evidently, 
as he is en voyage, what he has got on cannot be his Sundav best. 
But he can't manaj^e it in t?iat portmanteau, and as he doesn t con- 
descend to enter into details, we can only suppose that he intends 
to buy some new things when he arrives at his destination, where, 
probaoly, the fashion will be diferent to what it is where Baron 
Stemkins^ Castle is situated. 

But here we come to a geographical difficulty. The Bleeding 
Nun is a work of Genius, and Qenius is above rules. Everybody, 
including J^aron Stemkins, looks unmistakably Spanish. Raymond 
is a Spanish name : Stemkins is my nom de plume for his father, 
whose Christian name, I now remember, is Felix: and he is Don 
Felix, Spanish again : no mistaking his breed, any more than 
one can be wronp about a handsome black fowl. Therefore, from 
information received from Don Felix, who f^ves his son. Rat/" 
mondy two thousand pistoles^ which are incautiously packed up oy 
Theodore among the linen in the portmanteau, we may take it as 
certain that Raymond is about to quit the Castle and journey to 
Lindenberg. Now where 's LindenbergP Germany, I snould say. 
But from certain dialogue which subsequently occurs, your Repre- 
sentative would, at the conclusion of the piece, have been inclined 
to describe Lindenberg, in any Gazetteer oi the period, as a place in 
Germany, somewhere near Madrid, on the high-road to Strasbourg. 
But of course the map has been considerably altered since then. 

However, off goes Don Raymond, aiter listening to a discourse 
from Don Felix, who is a regular old proser recovering apparently 
from a recent severe cold (I was really quite glad to see nim looking 
80 well, but should have advised him to leave off his fur trimmings 
in the house), and arrives at the Second Scene, which represents a 
convent, and a pot-house. Where we were now, lour Representative 
was unable to learn : but I fancy we were not far from Madiid» but 

still a long way off Lindenberg. Here Don Raymond^ lounging in 
the door of the pot-house, (a low pot-house and a low door-way) sees 
his Agnes issue ^m the convent and join her Duenna, with whom 
she {Agnes) is going to Lindenberg. " All for Lindenberg! " Ray- 
mond is much struck with the beauty of Agnes^ but nothinjg particu- 
lar seems to come of it, as he hires a Guide to oonduot hunaelf and 
his servant, Theodore, who is always lugging about the old port- 
manteau, in such a bumping, thumping way, as to ensure the hair-oil 
being aU among the linen before they get to the end of their journey. 
Don Raymond, however, is an indulgent master, as he makes no 
remark on his servant's carelessness : but, perhaps, no hdr-oil has 
been packed up. 

The Guide is a villain, and a traitor : so was the low publican at 
whose pot-house Raymond had refreshed himself. Any one could 
have seen that with naif an eye. 

Scene 3. A Wood-cutter's Hut. Mb. Bsaid (I forget what his 
playbill name is), here appears as the Woodcutter, and admits to 
the audience, in a compact soliloquy, that he is a thorough-paced 
scoundrel, but at the same time complains that he is ill-treated by 
the other thorough-paced scoundrels, who neglect him. and leave 
him all alone in tiie forest without any kind of cheerful society. 
The Woodcutter's villanous trade is to, as it were, play at being 
a Woodcutter while he is really, you see, a Robber, and in order the 
more completely to take in unwary travellers, and the more effectu- 
ally to accomplish his nefarious desi^s, he tries to inspire his chance 
customers with confidence, by wearing an enormous carving-knife 
stuck, most ostentatiously, in his broad belt. It is strange how the 
cleverest rascals overreach themselves by some trifling act of care- 
lessness, or of vanity. 

Your Representative was inclined to attribute this oversight about 
the carving-knife more to a foolish vanity, on the Woodcutting 
Robber's part, than to stupidity. Don Raymond and Theodore 
(still lug^^ag the portmanteau) accept the Woodcutter's hospitality 
tor ^e night, in consequence of their carriage having been purposely 
upset by the treacherous Guide, and enter his house. 

Scene 4. Interior of the Woodcutter's ITm/.— From the exterior in 
the previous Scene no one could have imagined it had so much ac- 
commodation. On the ground-floor is the dining-room, above is the 
bed-room, in which we see an uncomfortable-looking bed made on 
an incline. The Woodcutter welcomes Raymond and his servant, 
and tells his wife which rooms to prepare for them. This order 
makes the poor woman shudder. She is, she says, becominff rather 
ennuyjPd by these constant scenes of violence. " More blood I " she 
exclaims, aside, on first seeing the travellers. In fact, she is heartily 
sick of the whole concern, and, adopting, apparently, the motto of 
"Anything for a chan^," she determines to assist Don Raymond, 
And nerein her ingenuity is marvellous. She first says to herself, 
aside, '* How can I warn him P " and is evidently in a dilemma ; 
but, as she is going in for excitement^ she soon overcomes the pre- 
liminary difficulties, and adopts expedients, which are probably sug- 
gested to her by her earliest reminiscences of being taken to a 
theatre to see a pantomime, as they are of such a simple but effective 
nature, as hiding behind bed-curtains, and popping out suddenly, 
even without saying "Bo ! " As a matter of fact, she never does 
get beyond these enorts, which, being repeated two or three times, 
appear to have exhausted her fund of onginality. Still, she has a 
good niffht of it, and, as her object was novelty, she obtains it, and 
enjoys her little amusements thoroughly. 

Kow enter a couple of unhung scoundrels, whom the thorough- 
paced villain of a Woodcutter has described as " two fine young 
men— my sons by a former marriage," which Your Representative 
was iuchned to think was a statement no more to be believed than 
anything else he said, for the eldest and most abandoned, named 
Robert (never once called Boh by any of the family), certainly 
seemed to be his father's senior by some years. Crime may have 
effected this result. The other Robber was Robert's junior oy ten 
years (brin^g this one to something like five years younger than 
their juvenile father), and was altogether a more gentlemanly crea- 
ture, and intended for better things than throat-cutting in a 
" cottage near a wood." 

The two brothers differ materially in disposition: the elder, 
Robert, short, round as a tub, sulky, and sullen ; and the younger— 
(we '11 call him Richard, because " Robebt and Richarb were two 
pretty men," — and they are that, the pair of 'em I) — and the 
younger, RtcJiard, is inclined to be light-hearted. 

Raymond is shown to his room by the sulky Robert, who presses 
him to give up his sword, remarking, sensibly enough, that ** he 
can't want it while he ^s asleep.^^ The guilcleEiiS traveller is wide- 
awake, however^ and without goiug into details^ gives it to be 
understood that he oauldn't ilaep a wink without his sword, having, 
perhaps, been aocui^tomed to it, from childhood upwards. The baffl^ 
itobert leaves him, trying, up to the laat, to mow by his manner, 
how hurt he has been by the traTnUer'a relnsinf^ his recjuest. Then 
the guileless traveller hoj a nice quiet night ol it. First the sulky 
Robert re-enters stealthily, and is just poaing himself^ in order to 
stick his dagger into the tmv^ller—by the way, this u, as sabse- 

RmuT 21, 1874.] 


qtiently apx^tors, iho pne mistake with the iaiuily, they ttU waste 6o 
muck time in attitudinifiing before they strike ; why Itobtrt might 
have done it twice over, if he hadn't been bent on a graceful atti- 
tude—when the traveller wakes up and Beizes him. J^obert, who is 
a poor hand at an excuse. Bays, ** I only came in for the lamp," and 
leaves. The guileleBS traveller now begins to mistruBt h\& hosts, 
and lies down agoin to rest sword in hand. But he 's not to have a 
Qiiit?t time, not a bit. Out comes Mrs, Woodcutter, with the impulee 
of her early pantomime reminiscences strong within her, from 
f)«hind the bed-curtains, and excitedly warns him^ points to a blood- 
stain on thepUlow, oalla on him to escape with her. when enter 

Riihcri, '* Ha I " exolaims her sulky etep-son, ** wnat are you here 
to ?" Well, her presence there isy to say the least of it, odd. The 
faanily* however, are none d them very good at excuses, and she 
aBsures Bohert tnat she osdv oame to give the stranger a night-cap. 
*'/^ may he so^^^ says tnlky B4}hert^ thoughtfully, and actually 
accept* the explanation oa satisfactory. In fact, clever, except in 
the matter of posing, as he ia, professionally, as a Robber. Rohtrt is, 
out of business, rather a fool than otherwise, or why believe his 
f.tep*mother about that night- cap ? They both leave Raymond, who 
finding he ia unable to escape, goes to bed again, and directlv he has 
settled himself oomfortably, enters the sulky Robert for tne third 
time, and recomniMicea with his carving-knife* Being, as before, 
a long time posing and taking aim, Mrs* Woodcutter seizes the 
opportunity to yrod Rat/viona sharply in the ribs from behind 
htT fnvonnte hiding-^laoe, the bed-Curtains (where she has again 
' I herself, having entered unperceived by that sulky idiot 
ind Raymond, springing up, seizes the ruffian for the third 
u tuL . His excuse ia now, that he ** only came up to say that supper 
Wtt* rpody." 

Then tney go to supper^ and Agnes, and the Duenna, ore brought 
in, and Maymond sups with Agnet, and the Blood-Stained Bandits 
make a hearty supper off bread- and-milk in wooden bowls. Then 
the Woodcutter pivcs his guest the ixiisoned wine, and Mrs. Wood- 
cutter (still on tor excitement and novelty) teUs Rftymoftd not to 
drink, and he spills it, making a great noise and mess m doing so, 
which aje unheard and tmseen by the Robbers, who, as I have before 
remarked, are really very sim|)le, stupid people. Agne* is drugged. 
Mrs. Woodcutter (up to anything now) tells liaymond to pretend to 
ileep. He does so. Only Mr, and Mrs. Woodcutter, Agnvi drugged, 
and Maymond are now in the room. 

The Woodcutter ia gfoing to have the amusement all to himself. 
He takes out a knife, intending to stab RaymomL But the family 
instinct for attitudinising is too strong for him, and ho must give 
op a minute to posing himself gracefullyj before striking the blow. 

He lifts his arm : Raymond raises nis head— sees him— fearful 
struggle — Mr. Woodcutter is just getting six to four the best of 
liavmand^ when Mrs, Woodcutter, who owes him one for having 
made her exit^tence so monotonous, now seeing a grand opportunity 
for varying the proeeedings once and for ever, is struck by n 
" Happy Tnought," and— to put it shortly— cracks his crown with 
a hatchet. 

Everyone who ought to escane escapes, and the Robbers re-enter, 
looking A little astonished at the state of things in general, as the 
curtain descends on the First Act. 

How the Bleeding Nun came out of a castle, and wasn^t in any 
way Bleeding, but, on the contrary, a Blooming Phantom ; how she 
vanished into a tree— her disappearance being immediately followed 
by the apporition of an illuminated advertisement about *^ Avenge " 
somebody • how Don Raymond got to Lindenberg (I believe) ; now 
Mrs. Woodcutter said she wouldn't go with him and he a bore, but 
did atick to him like wax, refusing to explain anytliing except that. 
years ago, she had once been on ner way to Strasbourg, and had 
never ^t there ; how the Robbers were all kiUed in a cave, and the 
Blooming Nun re-appeared in a brilliant light — I have not time| nor 
have you space, to telL Suffice it to add, that this genuine Melo- 
Prama of tne Old School ia played at the HajTnarket at about ten 
o'clock or so ; and U those who left, after Chuihj, will go and see 
this, they will show their faith in the evidence of 

YouB Representative. 

F.S.— Mrs. Johw Wood, more than very good, is in fact the life 
and soul of the Wandcriitg Heir, at the Queen^s. It is interesting, 
ind the Trial Scene is cleverly arranged and effectively ended. 

Licking for Licensed Victuallers, 

Hocmr is a game much in vogue with boys " home for the holi- 
days." They play it with sticks and bungs, using the sticks to 
knock the bungs. Thus they suggest the idea of the Band of Hope, 
instigated by the United Kingdom Allianoe. 

ScTTABLE RmTHDAY pRESEKT. — To a Dear Youug l^idy, A hand- 
aomely bound copy of the treatise, I£oic to Drtss on Fifteen PoumU 
a- Week, 




Sixteen oases of drunkenness were reporti'd yesterday afternoon, 
in honour of the coming wedding of the Duke of EniXBUiiGn. 
(Weather uncommonly wet,) 


Several tea-meetinga have been held here during the last three 
days. A Lecture was given at the Young Men*s Evening Improve- 
ment Asswiation on the Hymns of Dn. Watts, (Weather very 
mild and dull,) 

The Elections commenced yesterday. Various speeches were 
made by the Candidates, There were meetings at the Town HoU 
and in the Market Place, The Riot Act has been read and the 
troops called out. (Weather stormy,) 


Much question has been raised about the lawfulness of " nvisec- 
tion,*' as practised on tmimals ; but, aince the alteration of the old 
law respecting high treason, it lias never been considered whether 
that process could be performed with propriety on the human sub- 
ject. There are certain offenders who muBt be regarded as deserving 
to undergo it by all minds inspired with enlightened humanity. 
For instance :—WrcteheB who stop bottles with rotten corks. Brutes 
who sew on boot-loops so slightly that they oome off at a pull. Other 
brutes by whom shirt and other buttons are sewn on in the same 
atrocious manner. Rascally South London, and other tradesmen, 
ad iilte rating food. Dishonest postmen, who break letters oi>en and 
steal remittances. Miscreants, pastrycooks^ and servants, who, in 
making buns, plum-puddings, and mince-pies, or cakes, containing 
currants, neglect to cleanse the currants from grit, and make tho,se 
who bite on it crack their teeth. Street-boys who throw orange- 
peel on the pavement, and strike out slides, Italian organ-grinders 
at large. All these criminals, as well for the welfare of Society aa 
for the advancement of Science, ought certainly to be subjected to 

Daring Attempt. 

Shakspeabe was onoe Bowdlerised, and now BauveJVa Johnmn 
has been re-written 1 Is there no bold spirit who will lay his hands 
on Rohwmn Crusoe ^ or The Pilgrim's r mar ess ^ or T/ie Viear of 
Wakefield f 




Gloomy and Difsipnitd ITouth {who has discovered thcU Life is not xcorth 
having). •* I HOPE I sbak^t be Alive aitbe Tnutrr/** 

Unspnjmthetie, Eldmhj Parftj, ** Is TmnRE aky PAitTICTTUm NlSCESSlTT THAT 



An. who would patronage forego, 
That knew he could bestow it well f 

^ot thou» warm-henrted Houeiit I^we 1 
Ko ; would he, Shade of Shehiff DeILF 

Tli^ sick man's prayer for three months* ^raoe 

He must ref usCi and he denies ; 
But teoTB run down that ^nial faoe 

From heaming and bentg^nant ef es. 

What though the Sherii!« stricken down* 
A proxy would provide and pay *f 

Stem sense of duty to the Crown 
Bade RoBEBT taVe his place away. 

Fits service lon^. of value great, 
The gracious Kobekt would confess 

He fully did appreciate ; 
Must send him packing, ne'erthelcsfl. 

Reply considerate, fair, and kind, 
Despatched to reach the sufferer *3 bed ; 

But ere it came, he had resigned 
His post and all^ for Bzth was dead. 

Sad news, which, when to RonEiiT's cars 
It came, vet brought some comfort Btill, 

That served to moderate those t(?ars 
With whioh his cyea again would lilL 

It was the Sheriffs fate to die 

Ere on his heart refusal fell 
Crushing ; and Rohert's sweet rq>ly 

Did therefore not kill Sheriff IJell. 

What solace must that thought afford 
To pitying Robert's gentle breast, 

Whion with regret might else he gored 
That somewhat might disturb his re»t I 

Long life to Robert ; may its end 

Not hastened be by such a blow 
As that which chanced not to descend 

On Sheriff Bell from Kodeut Lowe, 


AFFEcnyo SrirrATirr.— A Clown walked up to a 
Woodman, exhausted with toil in his work of felling a 
tree. The feeling Buffoon exclaimed^ ** Poor feller I " 


(/(/», 20ih, 1871.) 

" For dark and true nnd ton tier ii the north/* 
Ten:! YBOif— TA* Ftineen. 

Pujrcit EriTnAL.lSlI0jrT8E8. 

Ye», my Alfee0, thou sing^st truly. 

In and o/the Princess, toor 
Were that '"dark" not linked imdulv 

With the *\tendtT" and the *'trueV* 
Witness Russia's skies of splendour, 
Btars and moons, more brig nt yet tender, 

Than illume our mitlnight blue. 

Mfjons thftt shine like those fair maidens, 

Who precede a fairer bride, 
To the wedding-music's cadence 

Moving, stateliTi side by side — 
Virgin moons, with promise laden, 
That look latest on tlie maiden 

Ere her nuptial knot is tied. 

Moons, that usher one of honey — 
Tricksy moon, whose gilts of gold 

Prove, too often, fairy-money, 
Turned to dust, before 'tis told, 

Be this pair to thee beholden 

For ioys long-lived as they 're golden, 
Glowiiig as thy beams are cold. 

Let rndc Boreas, baffled storm er, 
Shake the Winter-Palace door, 

For Russ frosts and snows the warmer 
Be the Loves for them in store. 

niems, come in aid of Hymen I 

Chains, we know, a frosty time in, 
Glow the iiercer the more frore.* 

Show thy fair face from the Ptilace, 
Maiden Marie, fur-encased^ 

Ad Aurora Borealis, 
Rosy fingered, rosy faced 1 

Wedlock's sludge, for lifc-lon^ riding, 

Waits I Yonn^ Love his pair is guidiuj^ : 
A fond arm 19 roiuid thy waist. 

Hark the sledge-bells— how they jingle, 
With a merrv marriage chime I 

See, the warm breaths, now they mingle 1 
Hark, the young hearts heating time ! 

May the mutual faiths now plighted 

Keep those two hearts thus united 
All their day, 't^vixt eve and prime. 

Lo, yon, where, his bear-skin dross in, 

His owTi torch to warm his toes^ 
Ready with both banns and blessing, 
, Hymen his chiU lingers blows ! 
A hi Ihiifsc w*e'll have this marriafre, 
Full of flowers, nor vet disparage 
Wedlock*8 solida for its shows, 

May the power that fate apportions 
Prince and peasant, foul or fair. 

Life for them, moat rare of fortunes, 
A la Montague liusm prepare : 

Easy climb and smooth aesoending, 

No upset to make an ending, 
En cHlbute^ for this young pair. 

As the Prince the altar '» nearing. 
Through the frosty air there swells, 

Faint, far-oflF, yet plain to hearing, 
Music OR of English bells : 

Songs of English voices singini^. 

With that subtlest sweetness ringing. 
That warm hearts' well-wishing tcUs. 

Though Jack Frost be OceanN trn nl.r 
Thanks to lightning- wires [<■ ' 

Blessing to our young Prince- 
And our Sailor's bride shall iluw— 

Bull and Bear may, from tlieir wt-Jding, 

More good- will and less blood -shedding 
In the future hope to know. 

Then we know her fair and merry, 
In the blossom of her spring, 

Rosy cheeks and lips of cherry. 
Eyes that laugh, and arms that oling. 

Ask of anv naval tailor 

Wiat 's the right wear for a sailor — 
*' Russia Duck '* he *ll say 's the thing ! 










Peter— linl mc- 

light an i -r.'uK-i 

navy, in t 
S- .n*z Pj2TElt's : ; , 

But with different imni^ laid stress on* 
And a sweet faoe for a stern. 

Now and henceforth 1 ^ wedding 

This day by the N. 
May its fiowciTa be fiUKiuniH,^ shedding 

Long before the hoMymotjn. 
Bride^ b© hatipy ! wifo and mother— 
Can tiie Hriaegroora wifili ' r 

Than the (iUEEX who l ii ? 


= ll 

Lnit ^™ 

m, everybody will 
be looking at maps, I 
and globes, and at- 
lasesi to see where 
Russia is— the geo- 
graphical acquire- 
ments of most 
adults bein ^ capable 
of extension and 

Everybody will be 
readinfT books and 
newspaper and 
magazine artioles 
about Ruj^ia, In 
order to increase 
their knowledge of 
up to the present 
timOj has mainly 
consisted of con- 
fused ideas concern* 
ing Peter the 
GaniT and the Em- 
press CATnAETNE, 
__ severe winters and 
-~ savage bears, mala- 
chite and caviare, 
the knout, serfs, 
and Siberia. 

Everybody will 
have their books 
bound in Russia, and use Russia leather pocket-books, pouches, nnd purses. 

Even body will be getting up the history of Pi2ter the Great, and 
going down to Deptford to find where ho worked in the Dockyard. 

Everybody will be interested to hear that the Emperor or Russia is an auto- 
cratic ruler, who can order the streets of his oanitol to bo kept clean, ^ull down 
a frightful statue or monument, direct a desolate and neglected pubuo Square 
to be made decent and sightlv without years of liti^tion and delay, suppreM 
a vestry, and knout or banish tradesmen detected in using false weights and 
measures, or adulterating every necessaiy article of food ; and a good many 
people will find themselves wislung that London could now and theu nave the 
benefit of such an influence. 
Not improbably it will become the fashion for a time to learn Russ. 
Every album will bo adorned with a photograph of the GFrand Duoheas. 
E\-ery young lady, who has been christened " Maeie,'* will he grateful to 
het parents and sponsors for so provident an arrangement. 

Children will be named after Her Royal Highness, so will bonnets and cloaks 
and costumes, scents and perfumes, quadrilles and valses, streets and villas — 
in fact, there will he a general tendency to Marieolatry. 

Everybody will have relations or friends or correspondents in Russia, or 
will know somebody who has connections there, through whom they wiU bo 
able to relate little pergonal anecdotes of the Grand Duohesa and the Imperial 
Family whicli do not appear in the papers. , 

Everybody wlio has ever been to Russia will unexpectedly become a person of 
some importance. 
Every Dody will be smitten with a taste for malaclute. 
Everybody will he reading Elizabeth : or\ ihv Exiles of Siberia, 
Everybody will be glad to have some thing irosh to talk ahout, ^^ 

Everybody will soon be asking everybody whether they have seen the Grand 
Pnohess. and what they tbinJt of her, , i v -j 

Everybody will join Mr. Punch in heartily wishing both bride and bride* 
grtiom a long and happy life. 

For tlie Next Budget. 

• A Tax of twopence a day on all foreigners in France " is said to be under 

Do^snot this suggest to Ma, Gladstone a splendid opiwrtunity ? 

e a tax on all foreigners in England^ neing organ- joinders 

^ of anv description, and he will so eudtiar himscli to the 

1 we shall hear no more of Conser>'ative reaction. 


BnYONT) all doubt France is entering on a new era; 
I Iv begun an entirely altered phase of national 

Witness the following extract from th^ Pall 
Mail Uazeiiei— 

'* The eflbrfci of M. Charlbs LAMoriiEux in the prepdratiotii 
for and the Buc^p''?^'^ ,- v-t-t^t of the recent performtmoci of tho 
Mtvtiah in Paii^ i appropmtely reooguiied by the 

GvveniQiL^nt, and « :ippouited on officer of the Academy 

by the Minister of rublkt; Instruction and the Fine Arts,'* 

The facts, that the Parisians are beginninfr to relish 
Haitdel, and that the French Government hu^ ' 1 

the artist who set Hakdel before them, part l 
the composer of such a wor i : ! Mes/tiah, pr 
importance attached b y 1 1 i i ulers t o an 

of change in a people's u.....i^J. taste. The • 

appreciate TXvxdel betokens a very great altemi 
feelings of auditore heretofore ohietly addicted i 
BACH. The faculties to which music such as tlat of 
Hani)el*8 Mcssiiih appeals are just those which distin- 
guish mankind from antliropoid apes. They consist of 
the higher sentinients, reverence especioUyi and the 
thinking and imaginative powers : the same faculties as 
those which are moved by noble, and sublime, and 
pathetic sculpture, painting, and poetry. Music which 
awakens emotions of this kind has now become aotuaUy 
pleasmg to hearers accustomed to attend to none but 
such as produces, at best, the effect of vivacious and 
ephemeral literature. Sensibilities aroused to the hi>her 
order of music indicate a step in '* development.'* Here 
is a fact for Dakwin. For a long while tne French have 
boasted themselves to be, and got credit with persons 
devoid of moral sense for being, a great nation, which, 
however, if they seriously tako to £Lon)£Lf they ore in 
thii! way to become. 


lir a letter, lately published, Mr. Beioht has ex- 
pressed some thoughts about sermons which ou^ht to be 
studied and laid to heart by the great majority of 
Clergvraen. It is not the business of 3/r, Punch to 
preaon sermons, but, if it were, he thinks he should 
know how to do it, HU idea of a sermon is that it 
should always tell people something whicli either they 
did not know and ought to, or knew and^ would not 
mind, and tell them nothing not made quite cleor to 
their understanding, in the fewest possible words. 
When these conditions cannot be fultiiled by a reverend 
divine, would not his best way to attract people to 
church be to advertise days and hours of services, and 
post them on his church doors, with the announcement 
of ** No Sermon*'? 

Cremation Made Eaay. 

If unreasoning superstition were in a sufficiently small 
minority, the only difficulty opposing the practice of 
cremation would be a question of fuel. Might not this 
be met by utilising all the vulgar newsnapers, the sensa- 
tional and pernicious literature, and ali the novels that 
have had their run. 


There was a certain Citizen of the United States who 
had made a large fortune in Ptjnnsylvaiiia by ** striking 
lie,'* Having had a daughter bom to Win, he named 
her Petroline. 

QuEsrnoN FOR GooDT Templars. — How many 
scruples should there be to a dram Y 


Januabt 24, 1871] 




Btts ftway, nm away, m * ran, 

Nebber stay draw de ' 
Fly from de enemy's fa^^ i^. •uoi, 

Ebbery blessed mg^er 1 

Go kirn as fast as foot can go ; 

Farder dan shot can ^nd mb* 
Eight-about turn, and leabe de foe 

Kbber so far benind tiB, 

Frow away anns like ni^g^r should ; 

D«»ti you run all de liglit43r. 
Bi^habby muskt^t him no ^ood, 

'Cept in de hand of fighten 

*Fore one bullet some iu|^ger hit, 
Hurt him, or stretch hmi dyin'^ 

Boon fia him (fot him fourpenay bit. 
Den is de timo for flyin\ 

Wait till no frieude commands youi* reafi 

Wot could dttir rifles lebble ; 
Den when you si:m dat dt> coast is clear. 

Cut away like de debble ! 




FimSuYlL " Let's SEE— To-MoRnow's What's •fiiAT, BTTH'BTt" 

Second Swell. '*TuiaDAT, ibn't irf— or HoNHAYf — was test'day Sitkdav ? 

Ki^ MJiCD— (yair7ij)— HY Mak*ll be heiie Pwesently — PWECIOUa shwewd 

Felijow— Tell xjs like a Shot 1 1 " 

"The ladies of Ediaburgh have re»olvL»d to proBent tho 
Pant CESS Maub with an album oontoinliig portraits of Scottuh 
ortiits, on the occasion of her marnsge with tho Duk£ of Kdih- 

What aje the ladies of Dublin going to do on this 
happy oQOOsion f A handsome album might be made of 
the portraits of Irish wits or Irish orators ; for we fear 
the Gmnd Duchess would fail to appreciate tlie photo- 
graphs of the leading Home Rule advocates. An 
appropriate present for the ladies of Walos to offer 
would be the portraits of those of their countrymen who 
can boast the longest pedigrees : and as the Duke of 
EDmBtnioii is a musician as well as a sailor, it would be 
a graceful act on the part of the ladies of London ta 
present his bride with the likenesses of our most distin- 
guished Composers and Admirals. At present we are 
not preparedf with suggestions for the ladies of the 
Channel islands, or the ladies of the Isle of Man. 


It is impossible too Lic^^hly to extol the real liberality which a 
liberal Government has dieplaj^ed in grauting Maetik Fahuphab 
Tt' - ! ousioa on the Civil List of £120 a year. Certainly they 

li^ made it a little more, and yet not have exceeded the 

It , ,^ .... . „ due to ilK. Tcitjer's literary merits. Philosophers may 
have learned little, indeed, from Prot'erhial Phtlosopht/,Dui there 
can be no doubt that a work that has been read by the miJlion has 
tv' ■ r latter, or entertained them, a great deal. 

rous and judicious grant just made to the author of 
thai trrifLunHrTi and mentonous work, shallowness, in otrtain 
quarters, will animadvert in sarcairm. Critiee, however, capable of 
reflection^ and incapable of envy, will not only applaud it aa a dut^ 
and tolerably handsome tribute, but will also hail it bjs an earnest of 
better times coming for authors in general ; but especially those who 
have written something that the world will not, or ought not to, 
willingly let die, and wJiich has afforded instruction or amusement 
to thinking and cultivated minds. For if the author of Proterbial 
Ph\h9cpKu has received a pension of £120 a year, how many timea 
u mwm aa that sum shall be awarded to them f 

Mot t>y H.B.H. the D of E . 

{Commmioated 10 A,M, JVfdmiday, January 2Ut,) 

The Empeeob op Rubhia. staying at his Wmter Garden Palace 
in St. Petersburg, perfectly realises the notion of Muss in nrbe, 

Amihtr^ by Sptcial TtUgraph^ 10-30. 

Dean Stanley, Will your Royal Highness play the Eussian 
Hymn on your violin ? 

H:R.H. Very Reverend Sir, I can't play the Rttiaian Hymn 
when I 'm thinking only of ihi& Russian M^r^ 


Hrek is a Kttle piece of recent foreign news, which may have a 
special interest for people who love peace : — 

** Tho nowly projsctod 46-ceQtim^ti'e gun will* according to oalflulations 
the aoouraoy of which is indiiputabk, when loadiKl with u charge of 5 owt. of 
priimatio powder, pierce a 20-moh plate at about 300 yards. , . / The weight 
of the now gun win be about 273,u00 lb. . . . The heavieft hammeT now 
employed bv Khufp weighs over I00,0f>0 lb., and, to malLC tho now gun, a 
hummer will be required weighing at leitst 220,000 lb." 

When Vulcan forged the bolts of Jove, iron armour-plated war- 
dhips had not been invented. Else Vulcan and his Cvokjps might 
have ffjund it bardiah work to for|?e such weapons for the Tnimderer 
as would pierce through twenty inches of aolid iron plating. The 
strong Qyas and Cloanthus had no steam-hammers to help them, 
and would doubtless have been pu2zled had King Jupiter commanded 
them to moke him a big thunderbolt, weighing pretty nearly three 
hundred thousand pounds. How would Houeh have delighted to 
describe the forge of Keutp! And with what sonorous epithets 
would he have chronicled the gathering— say, for inatanoe, at 
Spithead— of some dozens of our modem monstrous iron-armoured 
ships I ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

Thoughts on Tubera. 

A CoMUiTTES of the Royal Agricultural Society has recommended 
the Council of that Association to offer prizes for " diseaae-proof 
potatoes/* Do they suppose that any organisation, vegetable or 
animal, can be proof against diaeaae under unhealthy conditions F 
Those yet live wno remember the days when there was no potato 
disease to speak of. Potatoes were not then over-cultivated ; and 
excess of health alone waa indicated by the rubicundity of the ex- 
cellent, now extinct, red-nosed kidneys. Let the Agricultural 
Society look to conditions of atmosphere and manures, and, in due 
timet ^^^ their prizes to 65, Fleet Street. 





[Jaxuaby 24, 1871. 


Inairudor, ** Kow, I \n expuikzd this ditfsbent * Siqets/ you, PftivATS DtncPTi tsuu ms weat a rms 'Sight* ta. Dbscbibs 


PrivaU Dumpy, "A fine Sronr, SmT A ttkr Sight — {p(mdeTin{f)~B A MAGKiyrcEM* Spectacle, Smf T' 


OtJonr Bijc people to wait dumer for one person ? was aaked of 
Dk. Jounson. lie likad }iis dinner, yet he reiiliedj ** wth hmuane 
delicacy," " YeSp 6ii, if the pain caused to the one not waited for 
woidd De plater tkoii tliftt mmered by those who waited/^ Bat, in 
JoiDfBON's days, it woa not easy to bo punctual. We have now all 
kindfl of fait yeldclea. Thejo is no excuse for delay — and there 
never is delay in a houHO where the host knows that he has got a 
pood cook— a true artist* Most dinners, of course, may as well wait 
half au hour m not. 

liut at the deliphtful Ballad Concerts the other night (about the 
jjleawtntest eveiuugB that rational lovers of muaio con have), Mr, 
yunch heard his favourite, Madamb Patbt» sing some words— the 
first line of a pretty new sonp» The Carrier Dove^ and they gave 
him an idea. Let everybody learn the air» or some air that ^vill do, 
and when a timid hostess or a toadyish host is keeping a whole 

rty waiting for an insolent and vulgar person, who thinks it fine 
be late, let the hungry ones burst out in song* These be the 

"Is it Eot time for the SwaUow?"' 
If that musical charm does not produce a ring, and an order for 
dinner directly, never go to that Savage Breast's house any more, 

Hemarkable ConyerMon. 

Anoirr Southampton and it« neighbourhood ore posted hills iu 
viting people to attend *'tho special servioes in tte Circus," and 
announein^ tho names of preachers who propose to hold forth on 
thoB© oooanonSi Among these gentlemen tntre should be, if still in 
being, ono who mighty with peouhar propriety, occupy the pulpit of 
the abovo- mimed tahernat^le. ^A^(>ula uot the assistant at a special 
service in a Circus nrtturaily cxiiect to eit under **the Converted 


Ijt an interesting review of **01d Newspapers," and a special 
account of one of Qiem, the JForid, as the WoM was in 1788, the 
Tini€s observes : — 

** Foreign intelligence ia Umtc^ ta announoem^nts. almost in sexkieutm^ of 
the Bucceaiea of the Turka agaiait Austrin, or of toe course of events In 
France, or of political disputes In America.** 

In the present day a portion only of foreign intelligence is pre- 
sented to us in the pleasant and readable furm above described. It 
is that which appears daily in the Wheat stone Department of 
Mr, Punch*8 contemporaries. If all the rest of thoii* news from 
abroad were so conuensed aa to exclude unimportant facts, and 
express those of any consequence in the fewest possible words^ would 
it not pretty nearly correspond also to the foregoing doscnption ? 
Such condensation would be on unspeakable blessing to reaaers at 
present obliged to choose between the alternative of skipping ver* 
biage, at the risk of missing iutormation, and tliat of wasting pteoious 

Appropriate Fublications* 

TuE Duke's Motto, A Play. 
The Czar and the 2hr, A Komanoo. 

** Qoiaa to be Spliced* " a Song by H.R.H. the DuEK OF Edix- 
mnion, li.N. 
The Galatea Hunipipe. Arranged for Piano and VioHn, 
The Prettij Little Mmcovy Duck, A Fairy Tale, 


Man was an Ape, was he ? Well, not at all unlikely j he.'a very 
often a Donkey. 





Art-Cntk. " 'Call voriisKLr a P'PEsaioKAt. Chossih'-Swbspbb, A»' cah't 



It wUl suiprise no ono to hear thatt in RuB&ia. the bridecake Lb always 
Ijtautif lilly iced, and the chammgae delightfuOy cool. 

It is an immemonal custom lur the aeria on the estate of the bride's parents to 
Milwpribe and g^ive her a wedding present. In former days, thia invariaLly 
QOOBisied of a (jomplete set of kitchen uteoBila ; but now. wo understand ^ it has 
changed with the times, and more frequently takes the snape of a dressing-case 
or a set of silver fish knives and forks. 

The weddiiij? peal must be rung by bachelors, who have never been wounded 
in their affeetiouH, or the marriage wUi not be a happy one ; mid none of the 
ringers should be bald, or have a mole on any part ol the face. If the families 
are wealtliy, the bt ll-ropes are generally covered with gold leaf^ and the ringers 
wear white bheepBkin gloves. 

The Kushiuna are a homcwbat Htipcrstititnis ptoplo— so that, if tliree white 
blackbirds in 8ucees»ii>n tly aerosa the path of the wedding party on their way to 
chur''^v *^; "* tnrn back, and the ceremony is postponed* 

Af f , when the bride euta the eake, die hajs her eyes hound with a 

•now iitt ; aiid the first iinmarritd lady to whom 5.he offers a slice must 

tmm«;»] lately leave the table, and tpcud the rest of the day in seelubion, if she 
deMrth to dwam of her future tiuhband williin a reasonable |)eriod* 

A shower of oM forn is thrown after the vehicle in wliieh the bride and 
bridegroom take tht ir departure : and six young men and women, all under 
twenty-one» jc^jn handfc, and follow the droschky at a raiiid pace, untO it 
rcAohes the parish boundary, when they halt, sing an epitbalamion, and return 
to their homeu in the cool of the evening. 

No speeches are made at the wedding breakfast ; but, when the health of 
the newly-married couple has been ]propoaed bv the oldest person present^— not 
being a loreigner, a proctor, or a widower,— tlie whole party rise, grasping in 
thirir hands goblets tilled to the brim with wiue or m^d* and Bally forth in 
sleighs to the Neva, where, amidst loud cries of joy and the ringing of little 
silver bells, they pour the contents of their glasses into its flowing waters. Only 
three other tooats are given— "Russia In Europe," **ltu8sia in Asia,** and 
** RusKia in America.** 

The wedding favours are enormout»— as large round as a kettle-drum, and 
OQi&poted of the national oolonra, with a bear in frosted silver in the centre. 

The ribl^Kjn of w 1 ' 
bai^r puri>o8o ; 
the next Satuiu.ij 
senior bridesmaid. 

^ y are made is not UHcd for any 
b\ but is burnt at midoight, on 
one, in a oharooal tire, by Un* 


** Betw{»!ii ono rmA two f»V!ock \r>-^ny (Fridny^ Jan. 23rtJ) was 
ieen & imaU ml]' ' ' f, ; ' : nti, msrching from 

Cannon Street t j officer, three other 

offiocn, and abou ' u era and men, were 

taking to Iheir i\\iA naiiug-iAurAs in St. PnurR Cathedral, the 
old colours of thf 57th lleftimrnt— ttie West Bliddlesex— the 

* Dio-hATds.' TJt • J., M„ ,, , :^.,.fj by the Loan Mayou, 

and with equul ■ ml, where, after a short, 

ImpreMiv^e cf roti! i ' iced on its wn 11a. They 

were the colours of the C r, i i i rmann. 

They were accomimnied cm f 1 : i (litioa 

that *no ozpeniH.^ waa thertb) ;.j ;.. ^.a^... i -.; l„^ i^^^.iv/ " 

" * Bknisath Wreh's stately nave 
Your colours you 'd bestow ? * — 
Well, Honour to the Brave» 
But keep it dark and km ' 

" Send them up by the van. 

* Flags, so sent, have been lost 'f ' 
Well, you oould sue the man 
For what the old colours cost \ 

** Nay 4 perhaps a British Jurjf 

Might have given something more, 
Feeling *« all sound and fury — 
But juries it comes o'er. 

•' But if yon object to trust 

Your old colours by the carrier, 
On a guard to escort their dust 
We will not place a barrier. 

'* But a verv small guard will do, 

To see tnat nothing *s lost of them ; 
On mature refiection, too, 
The War Gflico can't be at coist of them, 

'* If the Die-hards are bo foolish — 
Nay, so take leave of their senses— 
As to guard old rags from Woolwich, 
They must pay tneir own expenses. 

** Old flags are all very well. 
And so is esprit de corps^ 
But we can't be expeoteii to swell 
Our bills, by a pound and more! 

** There 's only one colour we know, — 
DonH think I mean to be funny 
On a subject so maM'proeng — 
And that *h the colour oi money J " 

A Youthful Inhrmiiy^ 

What is the reas^jn why many a young man goes about, 
especially at ballM and parties^ with a single eye-glass 
stuck in one of his eye^? If be were short- aigntea he 
would use a double one. It is not defective vision 
that he is afflicted with, but mental deficiency. Con- 
sciousness of folly makes hira afraid of looking foolish, 
and the muscular contortions of countenance which 
attend the effort to retain the eye-glass in the orbit 
enable him to disguise hi a naturally vacant expression 
"ttith a giimace. 

Musical Buggestions. 

Thebk is a new song just out, entitled, *\Mf/ MMer 
iimmw the Aiigch" Ltt us suggest that the ComrniM-r 
and Librettist abould not stop at this i>oint. Let iheni 
next favour us with ^^ Mi/ Aunt among thtf Chmthftt" 
''Ml/ UittU^ in th^ Ctoiith,'' ''My rhm't^ri/ irmmt- 
mntfier,** " Cousin Popkins in Paradi^e^** and ** Up uttmnj 
the Peri$r 



The*\trical Note.— iVef* profits are generally the 
result of a good ** ctw^l," 



[jANUAftt 31, 1874. 


TBACncxL and sol* 
dierly Circular 
addressed by Sjb 
Gakkft Woube- 
LEr to his troops 
oontaiDs a fitat<?- 
ment whiob r while 
he and they are on- 
gaged witn H.M. 

CAXLi aad his sa- 
TBges^ may givG 
rise to controversy 
amongst gentle- 
men of Knglandg 
particularly some 
of the philoBophi- 
cal and reverend, 
who lire at home 
at <!ft»e ; — 

*'ProTidenM has 
implAated in the 
heart of exeiy oa- 
tiire of Africa iupcr" 
•titiouH awe &Dd 
drmd of the wbito 

tion of the fact 
that Btiperstitious 
awe and dread of 
the whito man aro 
feelings which ex- 
ift in the native 
Airican*s heart or 
mind* That is 
poaitive. Bnt whe- 
ther they have 
been implanted 
there with fore- 
sight and deaign, aa means to an end, in a consideration which must give us a Uttle pause. 
Thus I yotir Reverences and yonr Worships, you see before you on one hand what wo may 

call a deylta of Positivism ^ and, on the 
other, a Charybdis of the metaphymcp- 
theological kind^ between which it will 
take a belter pilot than any one at present 
ffeuerally known to steer you. However, 
the proposition abovc-qnoted, much as it 
may perplex you^ has of eonr»e suggested 
not the slightest dlfBculty, but,_ on the 
oontrarjTT proved highly reassuring and 
clearly intelligible^ to tne gallant fellows 
to whom, for their comfort and inforitia* 
tion, it was addressed by thebr judicious 
and valiant leadei*. 


Aprtipos o/th^t Coming SUctumt. 

Would yon bribe the tender voter ? 
Of corruption be promoter ? 

That would be a dangerona part* 
Woo his ear with words of honey ; 
Breathe no whisiiered hint of money ; 

In soft speeches lies your art* 

Interest in his welfare feigning, 

Yet with care your tongue restraining, 

Quickly you his views may learn* 
Bwift to aid your causo enlist him, 
Round your little finger twist him ; 

Lamblike to your llock he 'D tnm* 

If his wife yon ehanoe on meeting, 
Dow, and give her kindly greeting. 

Sweetly on her children imUe : 
Buy some loOipops for llABETi 
Give a blue -eyea doll to Casey; 

So the mother^ s heart beguile* 

Thus a carcfnl oouriie punfuing, 
Hought suspicions ever doing 

Courts inquiriuf ]rou defy ; 
Crosneit cross-' examination 
Causes you no perturbation : 

Tinge of green *9 not in yonr eye I 


[Mb. Punch feared that the Poets were not ooming out " in the 
way that might have been expected," as folks say in Japan. How- 
ever, he has jbeen favoured with an early copy of the following oom- 
position. which the Bard (surely he need not be named) had adouble 
motive for writing— affection for the Royal Family, and gratitude 
for a reoent pension. He considers this a gem of the first water.] 

Tins is a day we never saw before, 
For both our Princes stand on Russia's shore, 
One with a wife of whom *t must be allowed 
His Royal Highness is most justly proud ; 
The other bending to a gracious briae. 
To whom for life he will be shortly tied ; 
Then soar, my muse, on pinions fflad and free, 
And to the great occasion equal be. 

Things have not always been as we could wish, 
Russia and England have fried other fish. 
In the Crimea both their swords have crossed, 
Where honour, if not won^ was never lost. 
Nor are we sure that Russia doth not mean 
Some day to march upon the Indian scene ; 
But be these memories gently laid away 
Upon this happy and well-omen'd day. 
Remembering, and I say it without scoff. 
Sufficient for the day 's the ill thereof. 
I don't mean that, of course— repress the sneer 
No ill can come when 8affix)n Hymen 's near, 
Combined with Cupid — yet again I pause. 
We live beneath the sway of Christian laws. 
And if those heathen beings I invoke. 
It is that I may point the harmless joke. 
I know full well that such old classic ties 
The Church of England does not recognise. 

Great crowds of persons of most yariooB ranks 
Haye lately gathered upon Neva's banks, 

An interesting 8ig:ht they did behold. 

Water was taken in a bowl of gold, 

A cross was then inserted in the wave, 

And a chief -priest did benediction crave. 

The rite was fanciful, but harmless, sure. 

And gave much satisfaction to the poor. 

Our Princes were not 'mid the concourse, but 

Stood at a window, which, I hope, was shut. 

For, till acclimatised, 'tis hard to bear 

The shocking keenness of the Russian air, 

And stem bronchitis, ouite impartial, brings 

Grief to the throats of Princes and of Kings. 

One novel thought my Muse's wit inflames— 

Who ever heara a blessing on the Thames ? 

Especially when manufacturing smells 

Prompt, not a blessing, friends, but something else— 

Not that I tolerate a childish curse. 

But claim some licence for a sportive verse. 

To-day, my Muse, in matrimonial bands 
Alfbed and Mabie swathe their royal hands. 
He 's bound in Russia, so, for that, is she— 
A bondaffe of the happiest liberty : 
Were it but etiquette, the hour would win 
His sweetest time on his best violin ; 
But, as good Dr, Primrose used to say, 
Some graver thoughts befit the marriage day, 
Deait Stanley's sermon seems to me a boon 
Much more becoming than a lively tune. 

Now, we'll suppose the ceremonial said. 
The crowns suspended o'er each youthful head. 
The CzAB protrudes his hand, and gives the kiss, 
Wishing his children every sort of bliss, 
All the Prinoesses lavish kindly smiles. 
The bright tear sparkling in each eye the whiles : 
Frank Albert Ebwabd, laughing, whispers, " Alf, 
You, like myself, have got aBetter Hall." 
Then all the cannons give an awful roar, 
Flash flies a telegram to England's shore, 

Jaxuabt 31, 1874.] 




And thence transmitted to the Isle of Wi^ht 
(To-duy we '11 lioijc the wirea will be all right), 
IxiformB our Monarch that her second Son 
Has claimed the Prize he so adroitly won. 

Beeoendi sweet Hufie, from yonder spheres aublime, 
And deign to join the revel of the time : 
It is not very fre^juently^ I think^ 
I offor incense on the sanno of drmk, 

* Bi:^ ' ^ I '>or that never will rejoioet 

A I J u g8 in a f ent al voiee — 

Ho wiih lau iiomuge let the wine go down — 
*' Thk Dltmjc 4in> DucHKss OP Ei>ina'§ Town,** 

Jamtnry 23, 1874. 



In ihr« Placti, and reporU a4 uiuaL 

III,— With this letter I intend 
to sum uT), for the present^ the 
general Theatrical cose. The 
holidays ore over, or nearly bo. 
Tttmmy MMon and Harry Sand- 
ford must go back to the Jtitv, 
Di\ Barlow J where the Roddy- 
dendrons are in bloom all the year 
round. Both the I1inces«*8 and 
Covent Garden have afforded ex- 
ceilont entertainment for children \ 
and Little Bo-^peep's pet lambs, 
crossing the rustic bridge, are as 
pretty a sight as our young hunb- 
kins can well sec. Your He 
prescntative heard that H.R.H/b 
children were clamorous for the 
purchase of a whole dock of these 
trained Uaa- lambs, but the Mana- 
ger KiCE, not being inclined to 
make a Boa^gaiu, respectfully 
declined the offer, that is, during 
the run. He will have 'em again 
next winter probably, when i7 
reriendra a gesmmttoiu; or^ rather, 
his muttons, ^dll return to him* 
They have (I mean the sheep have) 
been ejccellently trained ; and it 
only shows what application and 
Btudy will effect in (what the 
actors elegantly term) " getting a part throug^h the wool. 

Cinderella, too, at Henqleb 6 Circus, Argyle Street (which esta- 
bliahment, it strangely enough occurs to Your Representative, The 
New Gallery, where the *'^Happy Thought" Entertainment is, 
ad joins) has delighted thousands this holiday time, and will pro- 
bably continue to do so as long as any children ore left at home. 
The little couple of mites in Watteau costume, who are always 
getting in the way. and being knocked down by the other dancers at 
the Pritu^ti's ball (given in the Circus, you understand) ^ are very droll. 
MisTEB Bandy, the Clown, is really jroteBque and original. Your 
Representative only noticed one pensive face among the generally 
! f T y audience at nEyGLEii*s ; it waa that of a young lady of eight 
of age, ** Why bo sad ? " inquired Your Keprcsentative Be- 
titj^bly. She eighed ; then—never once takinff her eyes off Saitby— -she 
niiitdt with earnest iutenaity, ** I should hke to marry the Clown*" 
Tainly did I attempt to distract her from her purpose by sag|r6sting| 
«s altogether better partis^ the Maiiter of the King, the darmg and 
degnnt sentleman on three horses, the accomplished musician who 
Btmggled with the drum, and even the groom in livery. No ; she 
was not to be dazzled by finery ; her heart was true to Foil ; she 
only repeated, ** I should like to marry the Clown." 

If inaDy* Your Kepreaentative represented Yon, Sir, in full cos- 
tume— Hower in my button -hole, a curl on the front of Jove, with 
glores and boots of dazzling brightness, and, in fact, in every way 
worthy of You, Sir, with all your polish. My visits to the Alham- 
hra ore angelic in their character, being few and far lietween ; and 
therefore when on angel does do this sort of thing, ho had better 
do it thoroughly, unless he is the Angel of Islin^on, who would 
bring discredit on hia order (he ^d be sure to oome with an ** order ^*) 
by arriving in a threepenny*bus. 

However, Uier© I was. What a wonderful ^laoe. Sir 1 What a 
wonderful sight ! As the Pickwickian M. C. said, ** No one is old or 
f: • r: ^^-th,*' so no one, on the Spindle side of the ranks, is over 
:ind all are lovely, at the Albambra. Crowded from floor 
t J ; a large proportion beinc^ evidently ** friends from a dis- 

tance," who have " kindly occeptea" ^e intimation conveyed in the 

advertisements. Ite^pect-abilities from the Provinces, about town for 
ft few days m gar^un, consider it as mucha nart of their duty, now- 
a-days, to visit the Albambra. as they still do to visit subsecjuently 
Evans's, and sliake hands with our venerable " dear boy," Patuicic, 
whom middle-aged atiTingers respectfully address as ** Mistkh 
Green," whom cocky youngsters call **GitEiiN," and cockier one^ 
(their rashness mokes me shudder as I munch my well-earned 
underdone chop) slap on the shoulder, styling him *' Paddy." 

But there he is, little great man, the Napoleon of the Mnsii^ Holb, 
welcoming everyone— all friends, no foes— to aU comers he is tentper 
idmn^ toujours vert, ever«GnE£K 1 Vive Vancien gar^^n ! 

But I was (for You, Sir) at the Albambra, and I *ve wandered off 
the beatan path on to the Green, 

In M&. Byeon*s Bon Juan at th" v ihnm^^ra there is plenty to see, 
lots to laugh at, and muoh, mnsii i xr. There h a new song 

W the indefatigable and clever ^I Iacokt, with a swimming 

ODoms. Ic is sung by Miss 8a ^ r a favourite with the Alham- 

brites, and just suits her, or ats it, or somehow they l>oth 

suit one another, and evcrybiHiy i:i at lighted. But bless us I how 
mighty difficult it is to get anoUier suooesfi like Mb. F&EDEnicx 
Clay* s * * Nobody know a as I know,** The latter com i»oscr hasn't don e 
it again. Like gheridan, whose School for Scandal wouldn*t succeed, 
because of his ^wetful Mkals, In Mdlli^. Koi^e Bell we have une 
rraitf itrtidx^* Her first song from On ^ Bn'dae of Sighs is 

trebly encored* Her second song ^* Sp - /fc," also comjwsed 

by M, Jacobi, is encored vociferously, i^-t re of an extra- 

vaganza, for the dashing cavalier of an Opt no one ooiild 

be founa better in voice, manner, and appear n toLLE. Rose 


Of the other bright creatures I have not time to speak now, save 
that gorgeous, merry, sparkling Miss Ajiy SnKEmAN was as capti- 
vating a Corsair, as you *d wisn to be capturetl by* (I think You 
are quite right, Sir, in sending me to represent You on these oooo- 
sions.) The CommcndaUne& Statue^ by Me. Jaevis, is played with a 
good aeal of grotesque humour ; 2dk. Wordoys does what he can 
with nothing in particular, and Mh. Paclton lias plenty of funny 
** comic business *■ as Ltporollo. Hia final waltz with the Ghost 
is one of the beat things in the piece. 

The Ballet » of Eurupean fame, called Flick and Flock followed. 
Over this I could dwell for hours. I love a ballet with a story in it. 
I haven't time to tell you the story. Let anyone who enjoys a good 
ballet'ineoe go and see Flick and Flock. But I must tell you one 
incident. A fairy tcHl show Mr. Flick and Mr* Flock (who are two 
friends), a series of panoramic views of the various cities of the 
world. We went to Berlin, we went to St. Petersburg, and Heaven 
knows where besides, every place being illustrated oy dancers in 
the costume of the particular nationality. Well, Sir, we were taken 
to Rome. There were St. Peter's and the Vatican plain as a pike- 
staff. We were in the Great Square. Lo and behold, out came 
from diJETerent sides, dancers in the dresses of Peasants of the Cam - 
pagna. Such petticoats I Lovely ! Then they struck up a dance, 
a gay and festive, not to say wild donee. Sir, I trembled to 
think that this was taking place within a Gtono^s throw of the 
Vatican, and that from one of the windows in the distance the vene- 
rated Pope might be looking at us. I expected every minute that 
he'd come out, and stop it, Alas! poor man, I forgot thex>re»ent 
circumstances . It flashed across me all at once, why these indecorous 
(from a clerical view only) proceedings could be now allowed in the 
&reat Square of St. Peter^B. Why f— because the PoPK is a prisoner, 
and he can't come out of the Vatican and get at 'em. This made me 
shed a tear, but I plucked up again, and was soon looking with 
wonder at the marvellous antics in the ** famed Parisian Quadrille." 
Elegant dancing by Mdlle, PitteeI| and wild evolutions by Miss 
Saba. Vice k General Baum I Adieu, kind Sir, I will rest from 
theatrical labours for a week or so, look round again, seo what 's 
worth seeing, hear what 's worth hearing, and be ever 

Youn Repeesestaitve. 

Hemoires (of Wlialley) Pour Servir. 

1873. January 20,— Mn. Wealley, M.P,, ia severely rebuked by 

Sm AIexanueh Cuckbiuen, and fined £100 for Contempt of 

January 20.~Me. Whalley, M.P., writes a letter, for which 

Srn Alexandke CocKDrRsr orders him to attend, the letter 

lieing Oontcmnt of Court. 
Jatiuarv 23.— Me. WiLiLLEY, M.P., appears in Court, and is 

fined by Sir Alexander Cocebuiik in the sum of £250, 

The erament Protestant Beligionist remarks, ** I won't pay! " 

and is sent to HoUoway Gaol. 

{TiU fioniinuid—ptrhapi.) 



The Smp wnicn tee Duke op Ediicbukok has how oivbh 
TO,— Th« Court-Ship. 




FUgtty Okl Baehil&r {who hales JuvmiU PartieSf atui has eonu: two Baiirs later Uutn he %tku atked^ to tu io avoid thi Ohildrm)* 





Tfrtib are em\i% «mall of stature, but plucky of imtur©, 

Who neeii ut> ateel-apurrmg to stir to tha Bhiudyi 
Whose clarion we hear, when a battle m near- 
Nay, whoee crow sometimeB kindles the contest, I fear — 
Proolaiming their wind good—the wcflther, too, windy* 

Such a oock 'a Joiixny Epssell^ all foes gume to hustk, 

In whom age, stmiiBo to say, tho white feather has moulted— 
Witli what flutter and buatlo no arma for the tusale 
For the Vatican cock though some doubt of hi& mnacle 
Who chalked up ** No Pofiery ! '* onoe,* and then bolted, 

Seo this brave little Johk, in the ** seventies " far gone,^ 

How hiB galhuit old goo9e-(iuilI he draws with a llourbhi 
Of what lt€ thinks right reason, so always in season » 
Proclaiming hi a view, which to doubt he holds treasOQt 
And for which Faith and Love, alike, Liberals mnut nouribh. 

Man or oookf I maintain, *tis the strife shows the straiai 

And since John first wore steel — not o*en seoSfers can question- 
Never great fight has been, hut this ainall eock was seen, 
In the thick ot the row^ ^oker up, and spurs keent 
Or atip-toe, and atraming his tliroat to congestion, 

80 fthrill ohantieleering, for ears dull of hearing, 

Aa for more normal ears mi^ht, at times, seem lost labour, 
But his note still tho true lintish Cock-doodie-doo— 
Every man under law free to think, speak, and do» 
What pleasing himself, does no wrong to his neighbour, 

Yes, in eousinhood full, these two Johns, Kussell, Bull, 

Aa a^og for the fray, and, at times, as wrong- headed, 
Have blustei-ed and blimdert^. till eooller 'ivits wondered, 
But still, on the whole, from the right hanrl have thundt>red, 
With cartridge, nt times blank, but oft double-leaded. 

And no*er have they run with more will to their gun, 

Thau when 'twas to noint it, fuU-charped to the muzzle, 
Their broadside to ope gainst that iire-ship the Popr^ 
Wbiiae pluok, in her state of crew, cannon, and rope, 
Was something both Johns* bUmtisli reason to i>u/zli». 

Hard times we have known, w4ien we fought her alone, 

At her back wlien she boasted Armadas invincible ; 
But she never hoists colour le«8 flaunting or duller, 
Now she owns for ally scarce a pair-oar or wuller— 
And of these Pat, the stoutest, if not the most ** sinsible." 

Once it proved pluck to bravo the Old Lord of the Wave, 

To whose Crosfi'keys the flags of all nations were lowered, 
When ho ruled all seas over, fi-om Kuxine to Dover, 
And bore down on John BuU^ that piratical rover, 
As an Eagle might swoop on a wren over-powered. 

Now that flag oalLs in vain, on France, Italy, Bpnin, 
And more vainly atill on the iron-olad German, 

Their ensigns to lower, in respect t-o her jjower, 

And under her lee in submission to cower, 
And to take for sealed orders her old oaptain^s flrman. 

And it needs little pluck, now she 's down on her luck, 

To tackle the old craft, worm-eaten and cro^y ; 
One shot in her quarter, oetween wind and water. 
Of the bolts in her rotten old sides would be starter. 
And her crew is disheartened, commander groivn hazy. 

" Bee Mr, Fumh*t Admirable Cartoon t2 prcpot of the Papal Titles Bill, 


PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARH^ARL— January 31, 1874. 




AWFULLY BAD COLD r' [Ejttraci from New»pnfier. 


January 31, 1874.] 



And now the Big Bismarck^ abont to set hii mark 

Upon the old craft, fifes a-scream, drums a-rattle, 
Boarding-nettings up-knotted, big guns double-shotted, 
Graye, grim- visaged crew at their stations allotted, 
Bears down, huge and heavy, a-taunto for battle ! 

Let him fight his own fight, God will stand by the right. 

He can managre his battle without any backer. 
Do his own talking, writing, his own steering, fighting. 
His own tacking, wearing, his own signal-lighting. 
Choose his own time to ram and steam faster or slacker. 

So, my JoHinnr, why poke such a very bad joke^ 

As when you propose, at this ^rave German onsis, 
Your own cockle-shelly to steer m the melie^ 
And your small Docket handkerchief sail to oid belly, 
Like a dingey behind a big barge on the Icds P 

There 's a voice from the past—** Cobbler, stick to your last." 
And a fable that teUs frogs can ne'er into bulls swell. 

rfim swell! 



(Prom Our Oxen Special CorrespondenL) 

ONGRATULATE me on having 
arrived in St. Petersburg 
in admirable time for the 

Of course I know every 
inch of the ground, and am 
personally no stranger to 
the great Russian Public, 
nor. for the matter of that, 
to the great Russian HoteL 
where, having refused 
apartments in the Winter 
Palace, I put up, with my 
I)ortmanteaus, oags^boxes 
of j)resent8 for the Hanpy 
Pair, &c., &c. But, bless 
you, I can put up with 

I like ** roughing it," 
as the butcher's liorse said 
in a hard frost. 

Talking of what the 
butcher's horse said, you 
shall hear what /said immediately on my arrival. 
I stood on Russian soil and exclaimed. — 
•* Once more upon my native Heath ! '' 

** Sir," my Second Under-Secretary ventured to remark, ** it 's not 
a Heatt." 
I was down on him. 

•* Secretary Two," I repUed. sternly, ** though this is not a Heath, 
yet Russia is a land of Furze.'' 

He knew I meant ** Furs," and shrank back, overcome by the 
brilliancy of the retort. 

One of the Czab's Ministers, I forget which (I think it was Count 
Tevn Bakubs, the Chancellor of the Exchequer), asked me if I 'd 
like to have the poor fellow banished to the mines of Posen, and 
Hogged three times a day for five years. 

To Posen ! " I exclaimed. ** And sup-^sen' I say no P " 
I was '*i' the vein." The Russian Mimsters, Officers, and the 
crowd generally, were in shrieks. I was going to say ** in fits," but 
I can't, for they haven't got a tailor worth mentioning among 'em. 

So the Under-Sec. escaped this time, and lucky for nim, as, had I 
agreed to the suggestion, the unfortunate man would soon have dis- 
covered that, instead of having come to Russia with me for ** an 
outing," he had only come out for a Knouting, 

So I got into my DrowskL and, with my favourite BowwowwowaAi 
terrier seated opposite me, 1 gave the word, in Russian, to proceed. 
** Vich Hotel 't " asked the driver. 
** Vich P " says I, readUy. ** Vy, the * AlexandronVcA.' " 
Cheers, tears, laughter, mud, and brickbats, as I drove away from 
the station. 

My Secretaries followed at full gallop, mounted on rough, shaggy 
little Ponyatowskis. My Sees, are wearing busbies, bluchers, scarves 
of various colours. Hussar jackets, their own arms^ and anything else 
they like. They're a useful lot. My Assistant Third Under-Sec. 
waits at table capitally. Also 1 11 back him for varnishing boots 
ogainst anyone of his own size and weight. 

He always has to do this, because I have one mot which I invari- 
ably oome out with. 

I ask my guests why is that person there waiting like a very dry 
champagne P 
Everyone gives it up. 
I answer, ** Parcequ^U est (res »#»c." 

Of course he has a tray in his hand, so as to point the joke, and 
the guests know he 's a iS^cretary. However, it never goes natly. 
If it did, I 'd never have another dinner-purtv. 

Howerer. to the businoss which oonneots Petersburg with Edin- 
burgh. Attons ' 

I was soon obliged to leave the Hotel. The Emferob wouldn't 
hear of my being there as long as there was a suite of apartments 
to let in the Alexander Palaoe. 

**Dear old man," he wrote to me in excellent Russian (for he 
both writes and speaks his own languaire grammatically), ** here 
you are. Come up. Gymnastics and billiards. No extra charge." 

And so, of course, there I was. 

Don't believe any report you may have heard about there having 
been any danger, at anv time, after my first dance with the merry 
little Grand Duchess, oi the match being broken oS. 

lam bound in honour to contradict it. 

As a gentleman and as a loyal subject of our Queen (though when 
in Russia do as the Rushers do), I lay my hand on my heart and 
assure you that there never was any foundation for the absurd 

IFe never were in the Orangery {where the iced roM'-UHUer foun- 
tains are) akmcfor a single moment. 

The absurd canard was all owing to my having made a joke about 
Abchbishop Obloff, which a Ruski spy (not well up in his Eng- 
lish) was too stupid to understand. ** All off," and Ou«off, was the 
idea. The Spy was hung last Monday, or sent to Siberia, it doesn't 
much matter which. 

Well, Sir, in the face of all these tales, I am proud and happy to 
say that the Wedding went off A 1. 

As to the Ball, Tour Own was the observed of all observers. How 
they applauded my trois temps with the Czabevka. I was a little 
nervous at first, as I had only just finished taking lessons in London 
of Pbofessob Pumps and his three acoomplished daughters. But 
after two false starts, in conseauence of that idiot Cottnt Ibonko- 
viTCH getting in my way, and Dumping us as if he were in a Uni- 
versity Boat-race, we got well off, and didn't finish until I came 
with a bang against the comer of a triangular pillar supporting a 
brilliant chandelier. 

I had been round the room with her, and now the room went 
round with me. 

** You are not well," said the beautiful C A, anxiously. 

Here I drop a veil. 

• ••••• 

Supper was done pretty well. The Czab winked at me, on my 
remaricing sotto voce to him, that I had seen the barley-sugar orna- 
ment in tne centre before. As for the Champafrne— well, we had a 
private bottle or two, between us, under the chair. 

However, I was a gpiest, and the Imperial hospitality was well 
meant. But, as I whispered to him, * Give me our little supper 
mrties alone. Four. No more. Cabinet particulier in the Winter 
Palace." He grasped my hand under the table, and sighed. Auld 
lang s3me. 

I sang my best song at the banquet, but the Grand Chamberlain, 
who has no more car for music than a tom-cat, would come in with 
the chorus a bar too soon. He tried to throw the blame on the 
Prince be Leuchtenboubg. 

The Court Circular of to-day announced that, after the Banauet. 
** we were to return to the Private Apartments in the same order.'' 
Ah! but did we. ** Order" wasn't the word. Everybody got in 
everybody else's way, and how could ** the same order '' be expected 
after the banauet as before itP Boshki. 

After this, 1 looked in on the ecclesiastics, who were supping with 
the members of the Holy Synod. My dear old chum, the Metropo- 
litan, was in great force. We got him on his legs twice, for a couple 
of speeches, and a song. We couldn't get him on his legs again, 
but this was later, when the worthy dignitary seemed to be deeply 
affected, and was, finally, carried out. 

Headache this morning, so no more at present from 

Yours ever, 

Eabntz LEXPATnrxn. 

P.S.— The Blessinff of the Neva was typical of the removal of the 
courtly reserve whicn etiquette demanded of the two High Contract- 
ing parties up to a certain time. When the ice was once brt^en, 
conversation liowed. 

The first good thing, after this ceremony, said by H.R.H. or 
EoDTBiTBOH, was in answer to a question put by the Grand Duohoii, 
who adced, simply,— 


Mm ScranibU. *^ Now, Cuahles, oive me one mors lono Hair-Pik, and 1 soall do," 

** 0, Alf ! cottldii*t they patch up that hole in the ice F Some one 
will ttimble iu" 

Whereupon. Implied H*R.H., smiling, — 

** My own Mahy, it ia Neva too late to mend." 

Dean St.utlet took down this note in short-handt but did not 
introduce it subsequently into bia sermon. 

P,S. 2.— I mml tell yon thiB. Dear little DuohcBs cried once 
during the wedding, U.R.H* saw it. You know he is every inch a 
Bailor. He whispered, " Belay ! What, my own Gal^ a Usttr ** 
And ^hc was wreathed in Hmiles, Frnt-rate, eh ? 

A True Woman* 

Mbs, Maiaj'Uoi* reads erery word that is written about the Royal 
and ImptTioua Marriaffc. Like most of her sex, she is parti cnlarly 
interested in the descriptions of the ladies* dresses and twilights* 
IlftYing often heard of ** Wiherian crabs," aho sent to her tishmon^er 
on the day of the wedding for a nice one, but he could not obhge 


Oh dit that Mb. AErnuB Suxlitan *» charminj? arjng, " Lltite Mmd 
of Arcadee,^* will be Buug at foul o'clock, weather permittiDg. on the 
30th of February, by one of the Beadles of the BuiliDgton Arcade, 
in full costume. Ko extra charge for adnussion. 


When Bimam Wood was reported as cttmini? to Dunainane, 
Macbeth inquired, sarcastically^ li ** Every tree was bringing its 
own trunk It^ The first instance on reoord of a Scotch joke. 

The CToat Chtu'chfor Fiineral Ceremonies in the Metroix>li3 ought 
evidently to be ^faint Pall's* 


Abise, O MAHCtTfl TuLLius, from Elysian shades below< 
Or else descend from the higher fipherca where all gooa niggera go. 
We cite thee from the Spirit World with not an idle aim ; 
Instruct us how to speak in full, as thou wast wont, thy name. 

Our scholars are agreed that we should talk the Latin tongne 
By no means as we used to in the days when wq were young. 
But, since in what particulars they somewhat disagree, 
Come thou, and teack us how to say thy native ABC, 

NtJt all alike their vowels Latin races do intone ; 
And variance makes their consonants no models lor our own. 
French can't, nor can Itdians, talk exactly as did yon— 
They differ from us Britons ; from each other differ, too. 

We *' pater*' rhyme with " mater " ; both with ** ^tater : *' did yott" 

Or in '* mater," a as ah sound, and in '* pater '* as in '* Pat ** f 
We make * the same in *' ira *' as we do in '* swipes " or ** smit6 ; " 
E in ** ejus ** as in ** Eton " — are we wrong or are we right f 

As li in '* Tuesday " we pronounce in *' tu '* did ye, profess, 

T*> t ill the penultimate gave you e'er the sound of s f 

With modern priests of the Roman Church for that 's the usual way. 

Was it aa ^ soft or as y you spoke the letter^ f 

Materialise thyself and speak thy lesson, or expound 
By raps on the mahogany which we are sitting round. 
Was your c hard, or was it soft, above all* please to show ; 
And tell, lell us, if we ought to call thee Kikebo f 

A. Iiil>el on the Party. 

No one, not even their opponent?;, can say that the Conservativ 
are cowards. Wliat, then, is the meaning of a Company started 
publish a ** Craven Conserv^ativo Newspaper ** Y 

JuruABT 31, 1874.] 






Tee Hydbocbphaxous Jons3 cnooaisa to beldetk in Phkknolooy* 




My GsKEirwiCH FaiEirDB, 

This Parliament 
Alxrat its buBinesa must be sent, 
Inita auooemor 1 would be 
The White-Bait-Boroagli's proud M.P 
Of course I can't do all I wisli 
At fryingr ol your little fiah, 
You 'll let me. aa we Scotch say, wait 
On ** Kettle of the Kirk and State." 

Five years of work, performed with nous, 
Have weakened Cabinet and House, 
And though our Under-Secfl. may puS, 
We feel we are not strong enough. 

If not ** combined,** ** ooncuirent '* act 
Floored us upon that Irish pact. 
But Dizinr, when he saw ns mM, 
Befiued to take the post 1 hold^ 
Bo, (not without some slight gnmaoea) 
We loyally resumed our places. 
We found the Lords recaloitranti 
Treating our BiQa with kindneas scant, 
% And yet they gave their imprimatur 

In '68, and two years later. 
'Twas dear their oourse had been reversed. 
Had we remained as strong as ersti 

Now it is time the Nation choose 
'Twi3£t gentlemen of different views. 

Our principles I need not state^ 
Ton 'v€ heai'd enough of them of late. 
With Foreign Powers our rule's revealed, 
We ask no more than we should yield. 

T^^ brethren, list to me, 

This Gold Coast war I must declare 
A most unhappy, sad aifair ; 
We will not press upon the foe 

Furtbf'7' tli'^n iii^n'o^- \t\(\^ nm LUi\ 

Butwli intisl, 

In Woi ■ . ' J uat. 

More legislation, friends^ because — 
Because— the uation want« more laws. 
ToTiching tlio Education Act^ 
We douH yet know enough, in fact. 
But the small things tltat drive fuUcs quoaiy, 
I think we ^U manage to makt) easy. 

Strange how they Ve stuck to their monopoliefl, 
The Local Swells of this ^ItatropoUfi, 
But wo '11 attempt it, douu or undone, 
A better Government for London. 
And some improvements we ^11 pursna 
At Oicford and at Cambridge, too. 
And thna new brightness shall arise 
In those twin sparklerfl, '* England's Eyes.*' 

Of course amon^ my list of bounties 
Is wider suffrage in the counties, 
But on this point the ynV-liV^ tv.ind 
Is, up to now, 1 thinl I. 

When people underst i dge, 

We 'U see what we can do for Uudge* 

A ._. ... .. 

n i^ webangiid audbastedi 

And biiid the nation* s cash they waited. 
Well, we *V6 not saved euch awful sums 
As we could wish, bu^ '^ v r xtUima— 
This vear (excuse tli^ 'U villiuns, 

We *ll show a Surplub i _ i, , tldtioius. 

Ten years have I kept up my pecker 
As Chancellor of the Exchequer; 
So when I p^t its prospeota brightly 
You *11 know that I'm not speaking lightly. 

Local Taxation, I oonoeive, 
I can reform and eke relieve, 
But here 'a the honey, lads of wax, 
I mil take off the Income'tax, 

Bob Lowe was happy as could be. 
Who brouj^ht it down from six to tnree ; 
But what is BomiY^s joy to his 
Who wipca it out ? (Tlxat *s one for Diz.) 

But morel yon don*t know half our gmnption : 
We ^11 cheapen things of Home Consumption, 
Giving, oa far as we are able. 
What Brioet has called ** Free Breakfast Table.** 

Forty-two years of public life 
Have made me rather tired of strife, 
And I ishauld like my time to close 
With my friend Homer in repoo6| 
But each must do the thing he can, 
And for the present I 'm your Man* 
We 're told tne Liberals are a pest. 
" Endangering,** ** worry ing,**^ana the nesi 
I will not coarsely fllnff the lie, 
But all such charges 1 deny, 
And say each Institution stands 
Firmer through work of Liberal handa, 
And wo have riven you nobler cause 
To reverence tiie Throne and Laws. 

Now, choose. I *11 serve you. if you wiU, 
With all I have of strength ana skilL 
If not J for other aid go whistle. 
*^ I ^H cheerfully accept dismissal.'* 

W. E. 







LoouB was a Cantab ^ of course. Can you imagine 

that Locks could have been anything but a Caius (Keys) 

** CoKTEMPT OF CoimT,**^Neglecting to attend .a LeT66« 



KiKo'» Head' wben she we>-t roR the BssRr' 

ffmband. ** Now— (Aic) — be caebfu', my deab Gal I 'cAras I dow* 





Time— (Aic) — an' they *ll Shwear never Saw mm 
[Trks to go to Bed in his Boots. 

We read in Fuhlw Opinmn — 

** AniitialA, it would Aeem^ are weU protected in Neir Orle«nf. A car* 
drirer carcleMl^ ran over a dog recently, whereupon th« animal's owner calmly 
■hot the driver on the ipoi." 

Cases nm&t be judged by oiroumatancea* Pn'nia facie^ no donhti 
it is a good action to extingTiish a carolees oannan, whereTer he may 
be found. Stilly the dog may also Lavo been car^leas, and if so^ per- 
haps it would have met thie justice of the case to have stopped a little 
on this side ©f capital punishment. But it is quite certain that it 
irill be necessary to introduce some Bimilar method of remoiiBtranee 
ivith the London Van -men » Tbov increase in number, in reokless- 
nesB, in savaA^neBa, Limbs and livea of Her Maie«ty*8 affectionate 
and nnoff ending Bnbje<?t8 are in Jeopardy all <iay lonj from the 
Jtig-gemauib cars, whose drivers havej^ at pteaent, nothing to fear. 
Remembering that Catholic Emancipiition was oonoeded because of 
pikes, and that the Irish Land Act was won by blunderbusses, there 
IS encouragement to revolve the question whether revolvers, judici- 
oualy used, let us aay loaded only with powder and peaa (at first) 
migot not tend to deliver the Queen- s lieges from a grinding — liter- 
ally grinding — tyranny. 

A Boan'fl Doings. 

The Russian Correspondent of the Standard said, last week, that 
Bean Stanley '* confirmed all the arrangements which the English 
Chaplain had made/' Mr. Churchwarden Puneh must draw the 
attention of Ritnaliste to this innovation. Dean Stanley has no 
right or power to ** confirm'* anytlung or anybody. Only a Bishop 
can oonBim. However, the report itself wants confirmation, which, 
pfirhapSf the Bean will go ont of hia way to give it. 

Fndat/, January 23, 1874* 

A tTrifbyi.— Pedtce A1.FRED married to the Russian Gbaih} Duchess 

A Dissolution,— Mr, GLADSTONE appeals to the oonntry, and goes to 

Greenwich* Mr. DlsfiASLi foi'esees a Di2-solution of the diffl* 

LeicesUr Sqtmre presented t^ the publio, as a <?{/?, by A, Grant, 
Mr, Whajlley, M,P.j, committed to prison for Contempt of Conrt* 

Takes a dose of Hoiloway. 
All this in one day I No wonder that this is a most imusnal sort 
of winter. 

Artistic Anecdote. 

An amatenr of painting was being shown over a collection by f 
friend* The former mistook a picture by DoeA for one of Tiasor s, 
*' T18SOT," exclaimed the amateur, confidently* 
** 'Tisn- 1 so," replied his friend. 

[Here ended their friendships 

Something I«ike Good News* 

Mb. Albeet Gr.*.nt has bought Leicester Square^ and is now 
laying it out in order to the presenting it, renovated and adom^ 
to London* His namesake (ox the Scottish clan), who insisted that 
the text ran, *' and there were Grants in the earth in those days," 
bad the second-sight. Anyhow, this is the work of a benevolent 
giant, and we agree with Shaespeabe, 

**'Tia glorious to have a Gianf a ttrength. 
And gloriottser to use it like a Qrant.^ 

February 7, 1871] 




PECIALLY at this period of 
universal address^making' ii 
occurs to Mn Punch to dis- 
tingTOBb himself by a dignified 
silence. But tbe moral atmos- 
phere is too atronj? for him, and 
he is bound, aa tne Americans 
ftay, to address the universe on 
some topic or other. HapEjily 
an opportunity is offered nim. 
The present is 


The fact naturally bids him 
call upon his Memory (who is 
always at home when he calls) 
and to recal the situation of 

Siiblic affairs seventeen hnn- 
red numli^rs ago. The year, 
as a slight arithmetical process 
will show, was 1841. Many 
tiungft, betide* the establisliment of Punch ^ happened in that year which had 
never occurred before, and which have never come to pass since. In that year, 
B&MXTEL Scott, the American diver, handed himself on Waterloo Bridge, and 
ih/ae wa^ an inundation at Brentford, wnich did noL in the least, remove the 
dixtineas of that abominable " town of mud," as Thomson called it. The 
£mF£BOB of China issued a i>eremiitory order far the extermination of all 
foreigners, and, as they declined to be exterminated, His Majesty polished off 
bis Ptime Minister, and ceded Hong Kong. llATyrEU), who shot at KiKO 
Geobge this THifii>, died in Bethlehem, where be had enjoyed a most comfort- 
able asylum since 1802 » The Imperial Fbikcess of Gebmany waa christened 
TiCTOMk Adelaide Maet Louisa, and now has had eight of her own little ones 
christened, — such is life! We were— at least Punch was not — hoaxed by 
an elaborate account of the destruction of Kia^ara Falls. That amiable, yet 
beioio nobleman^ the Eabl or Cardigan, was tried before his Peers for shooting 
&t CapTAUT Habvet TrcatErr in a duel, but the Lords, not having seen him do it, 
acquitted him, the Dctce of Cletelakd, who had not seen him a bit more than 
any of the others, affirming that Lord CAnnioAy was not *'legall3r'' g^ty* 
The Exchequer gave Manchester its charter, but omitted to moke its validity 
dependent on the cleansing of the Irwell, which has therefore remained 
nncleansed. Two houses fell down in Fleet Street, but this was not the accident 
which Bxiggested to Lokb Macaulat hia famous quotation from JoH>'so5. By 
tbc wayTl^fii* Melboitrwb was Premier, and Lord PAXiTEHsroy was Foreign 
Bcmtary up to the September in this year, when Sm Kobert Peel and Lord 
AfiKKDKEN stepped into those places respectively. The celebrated No. 90 of the 
TrttdU for tA« Timeg was oensured at Oxford, and the Rev. J. H. Newmax 
owned the authorship, expressed sorrow for the trouble he had given, but 

adhered to the doctrine. BoT Jostes. for the third time, 
made hia way into Buekingham Palace, but was sent 
to sea. As is well known, he is now Lord •••••, 
Sagacious Ttlfh" succeeded Gkkxbal Harrisoi? as 
President of the United States— nay, you must remember 
him, thanks to Boh Oattltier and the Snapping Turtle* 
*' post thp tin, iitgaoioui Tyler," 

But the old eiperipnced filr*, 
Lemnir first on Clav and Webstir, 
An—* -.:.v, ... ....... ....^;i... 

*' S lalcrittur 

1: :■ , ^ 

Herti 's the Luudrijd ' you, 

All in Pennsylvftii 

Lord Cardigak j?ave a soldier a hundred lashes one 
Sunday after semce^ at Hounslow, and Me. MACAtTLAT, 
in the H -'^^ -^id that the proce^Hi^T though it could 
not be 1 with good skii d taste, was 

not win i edent, Mr. \v i the Times, 

In&ioted a tremendous defeat on tht^ Guvernment candi- 
date at Nottingham, ^m Herbert Fijst decided in 
favour of the validity of lay baptism— what a soueal the 
Ritualists would set up, had the affirmation to be made 
anew now 1 Two Irish scoundrels were hanged for murder 
at Glasgow, where the authorities^ anticipating an 
attempt oy the rabble at a rescue, laid some cannon, so 
that on a rush at the scaffold, the discharge would sweep 
away murderers and sympathisers together. However, 
the nlnt was enough. We took the Canton forts, and 
beat the Afghans. BlB Robeet Peel floored the Govern- 
ment on a vote of oonlidence, and Lord John Rfssell 
Sromised an early Dissolution. Astley*8 was burned 
own. We presented plate to the Sheriffs who had 
chosen rather to be imprisoned than to obey the arbi- 
trary orders of the House of Commons. A bard of the 
time, indignant at the incarceration, t^Tote : — 

** Thfn hurrah for the folk who can rocir at the joke 
Of riding o*cr Uw, right, and custom rough^sbod 1 
But thi?y *n^ now taking pap in ^vho '11 rue what 'U happen 
Ere wo who Ve betrayed them are under the sod," 

On the anniversary of Trafal^, the QrEKN launched 
a great vessel of that name at Woolwich. Mr, Moxon 
was tried for blasphemy in publishing Shkllet*b works, 
and though the case was before DficTHAifr, and defended 
by Talfourd, a jury found liim guilty. The Great 
Western Railway waa opened to Bristol, Our French 
friends inaugurated the Kapoleon Column at Boologne, 
Louis Philitpb having completed the work of impertU 
nenoe» but be atoned for other blunders, so we forget this 
one. The great Tunes case of ** Bogle v. Lawsojt" 
was tried, and the leading journal received the thanks 
of the whole mercantile community for exploding a mar- 
vellous conspiracy. Theodohe Hook this year *' ceased 
Ms funningi*' and Sir David Wilkie laid down his 
bnieh, and Sir Frai^cis CHANiEEr his chisel, for ever, 
Peel utterly dished the Whigs, and, as we have said, 
eamo into office. Mr. Gladstoke, at Newark, promised 
the British Farmer that he should have adequate Pro- 
tection, and should have it by means of the Sliding 
Scale. It was a great year for Brighthelmstone, for the 
railway was opened* and the travelling in those days 
was splendid. We have often got to Brighton in fifty- 
five minutes, or less. Tis not so now. Lord Palmer - 
SlOK gave trouble by calling a horse ** lUona" puxzHng 
the erudite Turfites who do not read Yirgil. We had 
the great fire at the Tower of London, damages £200,000, 
This year began the fearful work in the Ea«t— it is 
enougn to mention the name of Cabul. H.K,H. the 
Prince of Wales made his appearance in this world, 
which we hope has since been reasonably pleasant to him. 
But of course the great incident of the year took place on 
Saturdav the 17th inly, when Mr. Punch made nis fir%t 
bow to the world which he has since delighted, reproved, 
instructed, and amended. Roo-ey too-ey. Hooray ! 

There ! If any one of the hundreds of addresses or 
speeches which have been let off since the Dissolution 
contains one hundredth part of the information Mf\ 
Punch has thus imparted, he will drink up Esil, as sooi 
as a Shakspearian commentator can inform him what the 
phrase means, but he respectfully declines to eat a 
crocodile. _^__ 




^«^. V\Vf5. 



[FEBncAiiY 7, 1874. 



Pint Arttcted Cltrk, *' WilL| how bid Toim Private Tueatrioau oo off ? ** 
8ee(m4 Diito. ** Phk'v wblu Mt MouaTAOtrR went off at onci» but nothing 


iSw^z/ec/,)— ** How'» TfOUR Motbkii?*' 



TiTK Income-tax we Ve heaatl how Ion? 
Declared a necessary wron^, 
Intxui«itorial and unjusti 
Put up with which, howe*er, we must ; 
An evil that could not be cured : 

And even Franotj contrived Uj pay 
The Germans throuph another way ? 
TTow is its plsuse to be supplied ? 
Thus all remonBtramts were defied, 
Till now, that Tot^ are to he won* 
We *re told we shall have that thing done. 
How easy doet the task appear, 
Impo^sihle so many a year;! 
Nor shall your inocones only be, 
But breakfast-table, also, free. 
How, with a fight for place in view, 
Statesmen find out what they can do ! 

But soft, green friends, too prone to trust, 
Oft promises prove pie's mere crust- 
That income sliould be taied no more, 
Once on a time you heard before. 
On that 1-^ -^ -......,, i.;rl 

Upon '' sr, iic3. 

But when : . tell due, 

DiBhonoured w —mind you ! 

The thinq- *^mil I miiped. ^V^15' ? 

*'Be. ply. 

Ar vm, 

rhtM' UIlllL- Kr.v^U \'i lIMr.-n. i . al'lC lU, 

If the redress now prdniised, then 

They fail not to refuse ii^i^iun, 

Ujwn the renovated plea 

Ot its imiKissibility, 

They *11 disaj^point. with ^lad surprise, 

The expectations ol the wise. 



A oKATiFriKG proof of the advancement of education 
was afforded by a young Officer, who, being a«ked by his 
Colonel what a Reredoa meant, replied that it was the 
Rear Bi\nsion of the Army of Martyrs. 


§M fit)iii(jstijite. 

BORV U15. DIED 1073. 

We doubt, till doubt in the most sceptic yieldi 

To the ohill certainty of death, at last ; 
Death, that has reached him through the four-fold shieldi 

By courage, use, hope, love, about him cast. 

Another heart, hungry for roaming, still : 
Auuther brain, atMrtt for knowledge, stayed : 

Another manly life and iron will. 
To Afric*» darkling Sphynx in tribute paid. 

*' And to what end ?" 8o springs to thought and tongue 
Tlie ready question. That our maps may stand 

Their Wanks flUed in with names and figures, wrun^, 
A life for eaoh^ from NatuTe*8 cloae-clenched hancT ? 

To help U9 widen wastes— e*en now so wide — 
Of brutish dwellers, and, more brutish far, 

Of fieroB man-hunters, who a-hunting ride. 
Dogged by worse curses than death, dearth, or war ? 

To set new problems more hot brains to ^rtt ? 

Hurl more high hearts on desperate emprize P 
To find new fields for Christian, desire 

To teaoh and train, to raise and oivilise ? 

With aU these wastes, that waster, wider grow, 
Amid our whited homen, and weeded fieJas ; 

These savage hordes » embruted, blind, and low— 
The wild root, that wild fruit, uncultured yields, 

Was there not work for all hearts of hts aim 
Whose loss we mourn, on this our heathenry ? 

More ignorance to teaoh, vice to reclaim, 
Than Central Afric hides, 'twixt sea and tti f 

As strange discoveries to be made here. 

Of unexpected dearth for harvests kind : 
Of more unlooked-for spring-heads, sweet and clear, 

Where drought or bitterness we looked to find ? 

It may be some will say his work was waste, 
As the waste realms, wild races, where *twas wrought ; 

No harvest to his seed or sickle traced, 
Of food for higher life, or richer thought. 

But uro &uch men vouchsafed unto their race 
To be swept by as naught f Is Heaven so free 

In lending greatness, or are we so base 
In its appraisement, that ** what use ? " must be 

The measure of our judgments, when we hear 
Of some great soul that, on it» work undone, 

Hath sunk aweary, with the goal so near, 
Seemed but a hand to stretch, and it was won ? 

By their own scale great souU gauge things and men ; 

Their ways and weights are not our weights and ways; 
Only their vision goes beyond our ken, 

Reaching to larger lights, divin^jr days. 

** What good ? " 'Tis well the (luostion should remain 

Unanswered, to our asking, who so use 
Mammon* s equivalents of loss and g«un, 

We deem tnings worthless which that test refuse* 

** No good to /A/r,** this forfeit life may say, ^ 
** And yet all good to me, and souls like mine, 

That give the lie to doctrines of the da^^ 
And devilish hold much tket/ call divme. 




ia(/. ** Whence, whekcz, Ladiks, whencb, whbnck came the MARVSLLors lNsm>XT that prompted the 


VI Admiring Ladiis. "Whence, whence, inhesd, Mji. Honettcomb ! '* 


** Knowledge, like other life, spring-^, fruits, seeds, dies 
To live •, nor seeks our judgraeut or its worth ; 

Prized or unprized, alike, its harvest lies 
In hand of Heaven— to garner, or give forth. 

** And they that sow the seed, oft see no fruit ; 

Nay, oft lie dead or ere the bud is blown ; 
Bat not the less thev dig about the root, 

Trusting in growth for good, where seed is sown," 

So trusted he, this Sootaman, humbly bom, 

Yet of a lineage so proud and high, 
It brooked no ill-gain bring its poortith scorn, 

No ill-deed shame its cottier ancestry. 

Through life *» rough places winning upward way^ 
Feehng new strength with each new height attained, 

He girt him life at duty's call to lay, 
Nor e*er looked back,* nor hand from plough refrained* 

Binci? thirty years ago and three, began 

The labour of his travel to and fro 
The blank zone that across mid-Afric ran, 

Whose mysteries he gave us, ^st, to know, 

Like one who for ahell'd pearl or ceroids wreath, 
In the sea's un-sunned depth adventures leap, 

And to the watchers seems to stay beneath 
Longer than living lungs their oreath could keep, 

Then rises, pale and proud, and shakes his hair 
Free from the brine, and strikes through cheers to land, 

And for past dangers little seems to care 
For iov of the rare treaixircs in his hand, — 

So this bold diver, in mid-Af ric*s sea, 

Un-mappcd, un*plumhed, would sink, and re-emerge, 
Till men thought what had been again must he, 

And still watched for his rising o*er the verge* 

This time he will not rise, till that great day 
That brings all men^s deserts and deeds to scale ; 

Then, blest the souls that as true weight shall weigh. 
As that which warmed this husk, so worn and pale, 

That dropped off, almost as in sight he oame 
Of evening rest, and honours fairly won ; 

Bare heads, to welcome back the shiivelled frame. 
As bedtB life well lived, and work well done ! 



Wr do hope that Captaiji the Honourable Itu^BOLPH Stewaet will 
be returned for Kirkcudbright (pronounced something like ** Kirkoo- 
bery,'' we believe) without opposition* His gallant services are 
known to us all ; but it is his tremendous age that chiefly entitles 
him to the reverence and suifrage of his countrymen. He tells us 
in his address : — 

•* I was bom witkia sight of the gbriotM old Stewartry hilk, and come 
before you a* one intimattly connecttd with tht HUwartry am Gaiuhc^y gent' 
roily Jor a p*riod txtmtiiHa oi'iT many etnturies, whilst in more recent ytiais 
my father woi your Lord-Lieu tenant, aad my groat-uncle your represeaUtlTe 
in the Parliament of Great Uritain.*' 

Surely, such a faot has only to be mentioned to ensure Captaut 
^TEWAKT^s return. Father of the House! Methuselah, rather. 
Elect him, Kirkoobery, if he were ten times a Conservative. Pmtei 
for SxKWAiiT ! 

No. 1700.^ 




[Fbbbuabt 7, 1B74. 


UCHLY oares the Undertaker, 

Of a Bympathetio mmd, 
Like the Grocer, Batcher, Baker, 

For the welfare of Ids kind. 
Some there may he of *' cremation " 

Being introduced afraid. 
Which they think an alteration 

Likely for to injure trade. 

From such sordid apprehension 

I am thankful I am free ; 
Mercenary thoughts don't mention, 

Nevflr when tou talk to me. 
Tet, though voblio good is reckoned 

First ooasidaration due, 
Priyate intOMtt oomes the second 
^ la a hmdness point of view. 

What 's the odds ? In social statbn 

Parties will the same display 
Make in practising cremation 

As they do the present way. 
Plumes of sahle, hrass plates humished, 

May no longer he the style ; 
Still the funem will he fiunished, 

And, hesidet, the funeral pile. 

Douhtless the superior classes 

Will require superior coals, 
Or fine wood, with which the masses 

Won't haye means to hless their souls. 
What the dickens can it matter 

In the earth if people lay. 
Or in air are pleased to scatter 

Goods for which we take their pay f 

Sculpture in the City. 

The Alhert Monument in Holhom deserves a word 
of passing notice. It is a very neatly-executed work, 
remarkahle, chiefly, for the smoothness of the equestrian 
figure's clothing. A perfectly unwrinkled uniform, 
represented as sitting close to the hody, suggests the 
idea of a statue of the late Pbikce Consobt, accoutred 
as a Field Marshal, as he appeared when he rode out of a 


A Scotch Baker having got fined for adulterating his 
bread with alum, acquired, among his countrymen, the 
apvcUation of Mac Alum More. 


When you have made up your mind on the chief political ques- 
tions of the day, telegraph to your agents and leading supporters to 
meet you at the station, and to arrange with the ringers to strike up 
a peal on the church bells the moment you arrive within the pre- 
cincts of the borough. 

Engage a saloon carriage for the ioumey, and exercise a generous 
but unostentatious liberality towaras the servants of the company. 

Make your way from the station to the principal hotel in a carriage 
and four, with postilions in sleek white hats and jackets of the 
colour which the constituency you aspire to rei>resent have from time 
immemorial associated with the political principles you prof ess— you 
yourself wearing a large rosette, of the same tint, on your left 
breast, and a brilliant satin scarf to match, and bowing, and smiling, 
and kissing your hand, all along the line of progress. If the services 
of a stout brass band are available, let it precede you, playing loyal 
and constitutional tunes. 

Time is precious, and antagonists are wary : therefore, lose not a 
moment on your arrival, but at once throw up the centre window 
and address the crowd, which will be sure to have collected in front 
of your hotel. 

Both in your speeches and printed addresses take every opportu- 
nity of introducing fl:ood round words and phrases— such as the law 
if primogeniture, the assimilation of the franchise, intoxicating 
liquors. Denominational Education, the incidence of local taxation, 
the Imperial Exchequer, and the relations between Capital ana 
Labour. If nature has not made jou an orator, be brief ; and it 
will save you much trouble and hesitation if you at once avow your- 
self a supporter of the Prime Minister or the Leader of the Conser- 
vative Party (as the case may be), and declare that your opinions on 
all the great questions of the hour are the same as those professed 
by one or other of these eminent statesmen. 

Attend^ any concerts, lectures^ or other entertainments, which 
may be given while the election is in progress. Arrive rather late, 
accompanied by six or eight members of your Committee, and make 
JQOX way to the most prominent seat in the room. Propose a vote 
of thanks to the lecturer, or to the Mayor for his kindness in taking 
the ohair, at the olose of the prooc«ding8. 

Be hearty and genial with every person with whom you come 

in contact. Interest yourself in the history, antiquities, com- 
merce, and society of the i>lace, visit all its pubuc institutions, ahow 
how agreeable you can be in private life, ana make some small pur- 
chases of the retail tradesmen. 

Show your attachment to the Establishment and your tenderness 
towards Nonconformity hy attending service both at the Parish 
Church and the largest Dissenting Chapel in the town ; and open 
your purse freely should there be (as most probably will be the case) 
a collection for some charitable object. 

While you will be careful to neglect no opportunity of ingratiating 
yourself with that powerful element in every constituency, tho 
Licensed Victuallers, you will do well not to forget that the advo- 
cates of Total Abstinence and the Permissive Bill are a numerous and 
influential body, whom it is desirable to conciliate and win over to 
your side in the impending struggle. 

Contribute something to the columns of the local paper — a letter 
on the high position the town holds for cleanliness and salubrity, 
or a few verses on the ruins of its ancient castle, or a notice of a 
curious fossil lately discovered in a neighbouring chalk quarry. 

If you are standing for a snug compact borough of about 10,000 
inhabitants, defy the weather, brave the muddy streets and lanes, 
be careless of your own health and comfort, out canvass every 
elector personally; and if you do not flind the voter himself at 
home, be stable and pleasant with his wife, or daughter, or mother- 
in-law, or other female representative. 

Be prepared to answer any questions that may be put to you 
about the Gold Coast, the Straits of Malacca, the Game Laws, Open 
Spaces, the Opening of Museums on Sunday, Pew B.ents, Primo- 
geniture, the Permissive BilL Auricular Confession, Yacoiaation. 
Co-operative Stores, a Free Breakfast Table, Home Rule, Local 
Taxation, Female SufEraj^e, Disestablishment, and the Deceased 
Wife's Sister : and when m doubt, fall back on the total and imme- 
diate repeal oi that most unjust, most iniquitous, most inquisitorial, 
&o., &c. impost— the Income-tax. 

Never lose your temper (especially if you should be beaten), be 
thankful that you have not to face the hustings, like your heroic 
predecessor, dine at the market ordinary if you are standiag for a 
county, have a few jokes always ready (the older the better), give 
as few pledges and promises as possible, remember that there is 
such a being as an Election Jud^e, wear verj good elotbea and a 
new hat, and always go about with a flower in your hntton-hokw 

FtoftHART 7, 1874.] 




(Ck)NTDrusD nunc Jam. 10.) 

Ths Visitors — Arrival of an Animal to suit me — Excite*nent, 

»N our small drawing-room. 
The Three Ladies, my old 
friend the Ret. W. Pul- 
LivoEB, myself, a Young 
Lady in a Riaing-habit. 
and the tall Dismountea 
Visitor, who, not being able 
to get a ohair, politely 
declares that he ** rather 
prefers standing.'' Queer 
taste: bolt upright in a 
comer. Politeness, like 
virtue, is its own reward. 
Previous to the intro- 
ductions, which must fol- 
low of course, I find myself 
taking it for granted that 
the JDismounted Visitor 
is the father of the Young 
Ladv in the Riding-habit. 
That there is not the 
slightest resemblance be- 
tween them, I should be 
ready to admit; but I 
suppose it's the fact of 
their both having come on 
horseback which has sug- 
gested, and, by this time, 
reallv fixed the idea in my 
After PiTLLiKfiKii has 
_ me "How I've been this loni^ time" — (to which (iueation a 
preoiao answer would require a review of my physical Douditiou 
for the pait tan or twelve years, with oorroborative evidence from 
my me£oal man's ledger, which, of course, would take soma time 
to obtain, and a genem summing ujp)-^and I'have answered, that^ 
taking me altogether (that is, not m isolated details), *' 1 *ve been 
very well," the conversation seems to flag, until it occurs to me, 
not as something brilliant, but as at least a return for polite inquiries, 
and, in any case, less depressing than silence, to ask him with a sort 
of tender heartiness— 

" And how have t/ou been P " 

The Four Ladies' and the Dismounted Visitor are watching this 
soene with, apparently, as much interest as though it were the 
keenest encounter between two of the greatest wits of the day. 

" Well," replies Pcxlinoeb, in a confident tone, **I've been— 

Hereat the Ladies all smile. So does the Dismounted Visitor, and 
nods approvingly. I notice that he only stands on one leg at a time : 
1 .•_ ^YiQ other in reser>'e, like a stork. At this first point, which 

he, 'evidently, puts down as scoring one to PiiLLrNGER (the state of 
the game being. PuLLiycER **one" to my '* nothing,") he relieves 
guaid with his left leg, which comes on duty while the right leg 
retires for a little temporary relaxation. 

Happy Thouaht^ on hearing of Pullinger's having been married, 
to say, ** Indeed ! I am glad of it ! " because the Ladies are present, 
and one of them is, probably, Mrs. Pullinoer. 

It now occurs to Pulling er that the time has arrived when he 
will introduce his Ladies. The First Lady is all black velvet and 
Astrachan. and wears a veil, which, reaching to the tip of her nose, 
discovers tne gleam of a jjair of eyes which must be very brilliant, as 
they, even now, appear like bright lights behind a wire-gauze blind. 
But thii, with the exception of the mouth and chin, is all I can see 
ol her. It is Mrs. Pulling er. The next Lady he intn)duces as 
Ml88— I think he says— Ozlewum, or some name like that, but he 
is so indistinct I can't catch it ; while the Third Lady he says is ** My 
oousin. Miss (Something or other)." and again I can uot understand 
him. He explains that ** Mr." (another name I can't catch as we 
bow politely) is the gentleman with whom he is stajring now, about 

five miles from us, and the Mr. 

Happy Thought, — Mr. X. — ** an unknown quantity." 
Then Mr. X. says he hopes '' I '11 make a call upon A{;;i." 
This gives a sudden turn to the conversation ; and so it happens 
that the Young Lady in the Riding-habit is not introduced at all. 

We talk of the county, of the weather^ of the shooting, of the 
fishing, of croquet, of the neighbours, in a jerky and forced manner, 
but the Youn^ Lady in the Riding-habit is never appealed to, is never 
askfld a question, never corroborates, never starts a subject : never, 
in short, speaks. I try to lug her in occasionally, in order that 
she may tell me who she is. She is very blue-eyecL pale-haired, 

with a childish-looking face, and a vague smile, I mention, in 
order to interest her, that I am in search of a horse. She bows, and 
looks pleased, but says nothing. Perhaps she would have spoken if 
it hadn't been for Mb. X., who professes to know " MMfMAhmy about 
a horse," he says, "when he sees one." 

Happy Thought.— k% he isn't seeing one now, of coarse he knows 
nothing at all (Jn the subject at this moment. 

I don't say this, as it might be thought rude to a stranM visitor. 
The conversation is drying up, because it is so difficult for me, in 
the centre, to talk all round, specially when I have to tmst to 
catching tneir eyes in order that, as I haven't got an idea of their 
names, each one may know when I am addr^sing her, or him. 
Another difficulty is, that I can't allude to them in speaking to 

Happu Thought,— When a party of strangers is taken to make a 
call in the country, wouldn't it be better if each one brought his or 
her card into the drawing-room, and presented it personally ? How 

I can only speak of them to Pulltnger and his half -veiled wife 
as " Your friends." ** Won't your friends take a glass of sherry ? " 
** Won't your friend" (the Dismounted Visitor) •'take a biscuit?" 
and so forth. 

The Dismounted Man will take a biscuit and a glass of sherry. 

Doddridge is summoned. 

** Very sorry," she replies, " but Mistress 'as gone out, and took 
the keys." 

A blow. Very awkward, and looks so absurd. If they 'd only 
stuck to their refusal this wouldn't have happened. Doddbidoe 
having been thus brought on to the soene, is not going to have her 
part cut down ; she continues — 

*' You see, Ma'am," addressing Mrs. Pulldtosr, " Mistress don't 
expect visitors as a rule, and she seldom goes out herself, but always 
do carry the keys, and so she never give it a thought to sav to me, 
* Here 's the bunch,' before Mistress went out this morning." 

I do wish the old idiot would go away. What an extraordinary 
household Pullinoer will think ours. But I 'm afraid of interfering 
with her. She has already called me Master Georg e, and has begun 
to tell them how she recollects me from a boy, and what sort of a 
boy I was, and what a good Aunt my Aunt has been to me, and how 
I ought always to take care of my excellent relative (implying, as it 
were, that I generally looked her up in a room and bout her), and 
how (seeing her audience enjoying it, and thinking that I do too, 
because I am obliged to smile — confound it !) she remembers me, on 
the eventful day when I gave up petticoats and was fitted by my 
first tailor, and how I used to figjit and kick her (Doddridge), witn 
many other pleasant and interesting anecdotes, which would eo on 
(I feel sure) for another hour— Doddridge bein^ ** i' the vein " and 
having quite an exceptional field-day of it— if it had not been that 
the front gate bell suddenly rings^ whereupon she disappears, and 
(as I expected) the visitors rise, with many apologies for detaining 
me so long from my work. Cthey have heard about my .being 
en^a^ed on the compilation oi Typical i)er^/opm^/i<«,] and commence 
qiuttmg the room in a sort of procession, with much the air of relief 
that would be exhibited by well-bred people on sretting away from 
an amateur pianofortist, who has been giving nis services for a 
charitable object. 

Doddridge returns. **0, Sir, why it's another horse come to 
the gate." 

Some one has brought a horse to show me. 

PuLLiKGER says, ** That's lucky, as we can all have a look at 

It gives them an excuse for getting out of the house quietly. I 
feel that they '11 never pay me another visit. 

The horse is in the lane, so Doddridge says. 

Some loafing, do-nothing labourers, and some very dirty children, 
are in the lane too. Loun^g, laughing coarsely, and staring 
rudely. What a scene for visitors I 

There 's quite a crowd to see the new horse. 

I look up the lane for the animal, but only see my Aunt in the 
distance. She is arriving, and I now see her oig^g the Coachman 
in the ribs with her parasol, and urging him to increase his speed, 
under the impression that this unwonted crowd signifies a fire or 
some dreadful accident tome. Commotion! 

Typical Teaching. 

The better the day the better the deed. On Monday last week, 
being the Festival of the Conversion of St. Paul, the Dean ana 
Chapter of St. Paul's improved the occasion of that holy day by 
throwing open to the Public the west area of the Cathednu, having 
had the cast-iron rails which heretofore surrounded the churchym 
removed. Hereby, perhaps, they desired to set a sort of symbolical 
example, which, if the various parties in the Church were so good 
as to follow, they would discontinue railing. 





Gmnl {cixiUdbj, f& Fint-CloM Pcissmgtr^ who Jiml evidtnily h^^m dining— ikt Train fau stopped suddenly^ io the ff$neral dlann). 
YOU Touch tuk Common tcATo», Sin?'* 

Fira^ktM PoMitmgtr, ** C*mun'gat'e I I wako the Bell .rrsT }40W roK aoics Bwjlsdt- K*-Soda 1 1 *' 



Bbistol» — The *' Hajre aad many friends" seems likely to l)e no 
fable here, 

CtttTLSEA.—. i/r, by the band, ** Wvd may tht> Keel row,'* 

DERBTSHHiE.— An AjiKWHiGHT is atandinsf both for the East und 
North divisions. In the coming' tinie» when women have g-ainej 
their rig'hts, ArhwrighVit Wife may prove a formidable candidate. 

DuiuiAM. — ** Pease at any price 'Ma the cry of tho Liberals o 
South Durham. So it is at HuU, hut, by a singular absence o 
coincidence, theiT it is* raised by the Conservatives, 

IxvERjrEa?.— Has its ehoioe of two Mackintoshes* The Invemeas 
Maokintosh will be oj* well known as the Inverness Cape. 

Lichfield. — History will most probably reoord a DroTT of Lich- 
field as well as a Diet of Spiros. 

Monmouth.— What are Mb. PocHiy's views on the Game Laws P 

NEWAKE.-^The Conservatives are backing the Fnxn. 

NomNGaAJH. — Only seven Candidates I 

NoBFOLK (North).— No oppouition, at present, to Sir E. Laooit. 
The constituency are evidentiv of opinion that it is well there should 
be at least one Laoon-ic Mt^mDer in a place where the tendency to 
talk is a serious impediment to the wheels of legislation. 

Pexerborouoh.— Only six candidates, but HVHAXLKr is one I 

Poole and Wareham.— At eaoh of these places there is a gentle- 
man who would. Uke to be hailed as ** The Welcome Guest.** 

Stockport.— Here the motto of the Conservatives is *' Tippdto, 
but no bribery.'* 

Truro.^Hogg hopes to save his bacon. 

** BuiTOX f r ^^ ' rNsTER.*^— Friends at ' ', who might 

bedei^eived li lurity of sound, will uate that it is 

SieThomas 1 u^^i^i.:. i>LXTON, and ?jo/ ilR, ^M.ii.^ i.aldwin' Buck- 
ATOirs. the popular comedian of the naymarkul Theatre, who ia a 
oandidate in tlie Liberal interest. 


A Lktteii in the Fall Mall Guzrtt^ makes mention of n due* 
reported to have taken place on the Swiss Irontier between two 
Gentlemen, one of whom was Hllg-htly wounded* There was, to be 
sure, another wounded man ; but that was the Doctor in attend- 
ance : — 

'* It seem* that the Medical Gentleman, on seeing blood, wni eitbet orrt 
nnxiouij to rcndpr hU ftiTvicos, or wiilied to lepnmte thu ndTerflftrica^ when he 
received a iword-ti»ni«t in the thigh of a dfingerouB chursKslur.'* 

Inoonsiderately raoralisingr on this accident, a f oose would per- 
hape in too great a hurry apply to it the oft-quoted couplet :— 

*' They who in quarrebi intfrpoge, 
Miiftt often wipe u bloody no*».^" 

But then this would be talking* like an Irishman who, in the old 
days of venesection, said to the Surgeon's Assistant bleeding him in 
the nrmi "Sor, I 've been tould this *ud be a mi^fhty r» -v ^' -v o* 
cuttiu* vour throat," Intervention, in the case above t 
resulted in etiusion, not from the nose of the mediator, bu n ij^ 


Tributaries to tlie Tliames. 

On the prosecution of the Thames Conservator^ , '' 
Select Vestry luvii been araeroed bv a Bench of M 
penalty of £150 fur utigleetin^ t-j divert the How oi ^*- 
Sewagu irom the Thames. A Select Vestry is not, in 
body of which the proff^f dings m^ particulnrly amusing 
hope, in the intert;-i 
line which has been 
^.;ii .,♦;..-,, ,1.,... ♦V...,. , ^j ^^^^^^ ^,^ ||„.^ pv'iH 

I i mg them, as mmn as i 

^ in a 





Ftmak Bxyumte. " Qlits a skb Ball at Miic. Mii.i.BfLKVius', wasn't it I" 
Malt Ditto. " Kjki' 4UITB, Ikokkv, iuullt most (turns I " 


in Mi, GdscHKK^s address to the Elect oi^ of the City of London contains a 
iarly worthy of considemtio^. The Kigl^t Honourable Gentleman objects to Mr. 

-__ __/s manifesto that it is, "whilst pronoimcinjr for the abolition of the Income-tax, 

*iigiiificaDt)y silent ne to the feimnltaneoua relief to tho coTi'siitninjif ola8«©§, on which, 
•a »n ftot of * ' T ' III will most certainly th it! ' V isist*" 

Wliat eld liny mean by the ** cons .'f Arc not **con- 

jqUBbtg**or Lv. u vert ible terms? Whatci,. y consume the most 

t«Qt t£o<8« ' tnously every day? How can i imoi at their own 

*jfpeiiie, vii wherewithal to purchase articles of I ^n ? The snmptuoua 

^Itstea muht, in oidtji in be sumptnons, enjoy large incomes. Wliat consuming classes, 
t)ieii, are those who may be considered entitled to relief other than, and simultaneous with. 
Um repeal of the Income-tax ? Paupers, whose ccnstimption is nearly limited to gruel and 
it| Bre« of course, omt of the question ; but are Mr* Bdscksat^s conanming olasees those 

that may be so ealied by a Egure of speech, 
becanse, only just able to support Ihem- 
ftolTeSf they consume nothing in comparison 
with the rest of the communitvf' The 
consuming classes certainly tncmde the 
nobility, the gentry, the beneficed clerg'Vi 
and ; ' * ' ifs, traders, and pro- 

les &i kewise inclnde all 

theoi-.ivuv f'i^* *. 'i Uie working classes, 
the cnief consumers of butchers' mrat ana 
'•intoxicating liquors." Does Mk. GbscHi^f 
mean to fay that the abolition of the In- 
come-lnx will be no relief to them Y Then 
all that can be said is that it ought to. 


Peace, as well as Wai^ has its return b 
of killed and wounded. Street tTiiffic is 
Jiftf'udud with ^eat slaughter i r ' lun 
rivfr, and a still heavier bii" ' i^ 

iriL-'Urred thror^-^^ '""'hvay ai- ..i..^' ...--iits. 
The Timt'S^ in relative to a Iftte 

homicidal coil . pounds a question 

which Mf\ Punch Un^ raised over and oyer 
again ; but it will alwayfi bear rej^titton 
as long as I'l ' ' ' ' 1 of 

abiding at ih< '|^ ir 

'■T'Mkor station, . .^...,>.,^ ... ...-..^^_ 

s in keepioK^ watch over their mere 
iniary interods in another place : — 

TInvc not Railwny Ctiwinai'ri nnd MnnAgera 
Directors more tbtiu caough to ort upv xili 
thoir time in the ftolc manngcracnt of their I in <^* 
without canriuuii^ for miiiM in PMliiiment ? " 

Just now, at election time, the appeal 
addressed, as above, to the countrj' by the 
Timt% is particularly timeous. It suggests 
an answer plain to the meanest capacity* 
except that of a railway shareholder, mean 
in the sense of sordid, so much so, as to 
regard nothing but money- From that 
answer the oonstitnent stupid enough not 
to know whom to vote for may yet be 
sufficiently wise to be able to infer whom not 
to vote for. The Vote and Interest of the 
free and independent British Elector ahniild 
be favours for which no Itailway Oflicinl 
need apply. If any exception to the rule 
thus proposed were made, it should be on 
behali of subordinate ofiici&ls, engine* 
drivers, stokers, and pointsfinen, who, with 
regard to legislation for public safetv, could 
contribute eometbing valuable to the wis- 
dom of Parliament. But oireumstanoes 
oblige these men to stick to their duties, 
and would not enlightened ijublic ojiinion 
I imit their superiors also to tneir own ? 


** There -9 no place like home.** The 
popular song of txiis title might be ap- 
]jroprifltely sung by a representative of 
the HoMESECRKTAriT in a burlesque— with 
the permission of the Loan Ch.%mberlaix. 
It is the opinion of many that there is no 
place like the Home Office for its present 
occupant, and» should the result of the 
Dissolution be a change of Ministrj, we 
shaO see if it will be better filled. In the 
meanwhile, that sweet oflicial home has its 
bitters as well as its sweets. The London 
Correspondent of the Hampshire Irtdepen- 
dent ob8€r\'e8 : — 

** Ma. LowB is just now being pretty well and 
not !iUojji>thcr \mdcservedly abiued, anil, tberdbre, 
I feel bound to etnie a fact wbich ia cooilderably 
to his credit, all the more a« he is by no meani a 
fftvonritc of iL\m^. Il^ ia very firnrin reatsting 
di applicatioxii for appoiatmenta, Htf tclla the 
applicanta that, if thciy want a poat, they cuuat go 
through the proper routinf of a ccmp«titiTe 






[Februabt 7y 1874. 

examination. This was the reply which he made not long ago to a gentle- 
min who holds rery close relations with him." 

This Btoioal firmness in resisting tlie solicitations eyen of closest 
fribnds is, doubtless, a yirtue reaonnding very oonsiderablsr to the 
eredit of the Hoia Secbstabt, because its exercise necessarily costs 
him great pain. It is possible to imagine a Minister who might, in 
a sense, say for himselt what Mephistopheles said—" I am the spirit 
that still denies : " but that is not Mb. Lowe. Everybody can tell, 
from the sl^le ox lanffuage in which he is wont to reject applications, 
how much it grieves him to refuse anybody anything. Many persons 
are so good-natured, and also so irresolute, that thev are never able 
to say no, and it is ouite manifest that our eenial and benignant 
Home Seoletabt woiud be one of them, if his benevolence were not 
controlled by a stem sense of duty : to which, however, the effort 
of obedience must be distressing in the extreme. 


he System of Competitive 
Examination, invented by 
the Chinese and adopted 
bv ourselves, and ranking 
along with steam and steel- 
pens amongst the proudest 
trophies of modem civili- 
sation, is likely at no dis- 
tant date to be tried in 
quarters where the Civil 
Service Commissioners can 
hardly dare to have hoped 
it would ever have been 
entertaioed, except as a 
subject for derision and 

We learn from an xmim- 
peachable source that the 
Clubs are so full, and the 
number of Candidates for 
admission so immense, that 
the various Committees are 
gravely considering the 
propriety of instituting a 
preliminary examination, 
with the view of admit- 
ting to ballot only those 
gentlemen who pass satis- 
factorily and obtain a 
prescribed number of 

A proposed Examina- 
tion Paper, marked "Pri- 
vate and conMential,'' has been brought under our notice, but as 
it hardly comes up to that high standard which we feel the Com- 
mittees ought to aim at, we have drawn up a few questions which 
will at once be recognised as supplying a fair test of the qualifica- 
tions of candidates for Club Membership. 

For which no Marks mil be awarded, 

N.B.— It is indispensable that candidates return answers to all 
these questions, in their own handwriting. 

State your name, age, residence (with letters of postal district), 
profession (if any), income, and family connections. 

Were you at a Public School, and are you a Member of one of the 
Universities ? 

Describe your personal appearance, or, if more agreeable, enclose 
your photograph (cabinet size). 

(Kve the names and addresses of three householders (one of whom 
at least must be married) with whom you are in the haoit of dining. 

GUve your reasons for considering yourself " a clubable man." 

How long have vou been a candmate P 

Have you sought admission to any other Club ; and, if so, with 
what result P 

{The answers to he written legiblyy and on one side of the paper only.) 

y^YiaX is the derivation of the woid ** Club P " If you deduce it 
from a Sanskrit rather than from an Anglo-Saxon root, state your 
reasons for this preference. 

^ (Hve the various meanings of ** Club," with passages in illustra- 
tion from standard authors, confining yourself to the period begin- 
ning with Chaugeb and enoing with Cabltlb. 

Sketch conoiaely the history of the Clubs of London; and state 
raooii^Hly what you know ol their forenmners, the Tavems said 

Coffeehouses, in the interval between 1600 and 1780, or, roundly 
speaking, from Beit Zgsws to Dr. Zowsms, 

duote passages from English writers (Addison to MACATTLiLT) in 
which mention is made of London Clubs. 

Give short biographical notices, with dates, of Almack, Abthub. 
Boodle, Bbooks, Buttoi^ , Cbockfobd, Old Slaughteb, Fsaii, ana 

Explain "Athenroum" "Beefsteak Gub," "Carlton," "Cocoa 
Tree,^* "Cosmopolitan*^ " Garrick," "Hogarth," "Hnmmnms," 
"Savage." "Thatched House," and "Windham,"— elucidating 
all the classical, social, political, literary, dramatic, and artistic 
allusions contained under these names. 

Draw up a menu of a dinner for yourself and three friendi, in the 
months of January, April, JunCj and October, respectively. 

Trumps have been round twice. Tour partner has plajed the 
Queen, your right-hand adversarv the Knave. Tou have Km g.ty ij 
and a small one in your hand, ana it is your turn to play. What 
ought you to lead to win the odd trick P 

I^ame a few of the eminent men who have belonged to the London 
Clubs since the commencement of the present century, and deaoribe 
their idiosyncrasies. 

duote an anecdote or hon-mot of any three of the following wits — 
Geobge Selwtn, Horace Walfols, Beau Bkummel, LunRXiL, 
Lord Alvaitley, Tom Moore, Theodore Hogs, EoaEBS, Stdvxt 
SiOTH, and Douolas Jerrold. 

What traces of the existence of Clubs do we find in. aoeient 
classical writers P 

What is the style of architecture of the Athenaeum, Oxford and 
Cambridge, Thatched House, and Travellers P 

Tabulate the different growths of Claret ; and mention the most 
celebrated vintaj^es, since 1840. of Port, Ch&teau Lafitte, Chambettin, 
and Tin ordinaire. Give the latitude and longitude d " Johaonis- 
berg," "Epemay," "Cognac," "Curasao," " Madeira," " ChaWif," 
and ** Schiedam.^' 

Write a short essay on " Tobacco." 

(Time allowed for this paper , 10 to 3.) 

It is understood that the names of the successful Can d idatee, 
arranged in order of merit and with the number of marks eaoh has 
obtained, will be published in the daily papers. It is not imnro- 
bable that the three highest on the list will be elected at once, witfioat 
a ballot. 

The Committees reserve to themselves the right of reqiiizmg a 
personal interview with the successful candidates. 


It is whispered at the Clubs that the street-sweepers of London 
are about, weather permitting, to hold a festive meeting, to oelebrate 
the promised abolition of the Income-tax. 

It is not generally known that once at least in everv canse the 
junior counsel are i>ermitted to jump to a conclusion when they go 
on a Spring Circuit. 

Now that the Boyal Happv Couple are so soon to come among us, 
it will surprise no one to near that in the ensuing season dinners 
will be generally given a lu Rmse, 

It cannot be too widely mentioned that a duplicate of the famous 
Outram Statue has been ordered bj the War Office, and will shortly be 
" inaugurated " by His Royal Highness the Cosoiander-in-Chief. 

The sentimental gentleman who described himself the other day 
as beiufip lost in thought, has, since then, been discovered sitting in 
an omnibus. 

It is rumoured in high circles of provincial society that no fewer 
than two senior members of a School-Board near Stoke Pogis are 
ignorant of the width, and one also of the whereabouts, of the 
Straits of Malacca. 

In his anxiety to please the advocates of the Permissive Bill, it 
is said that a Scotch candidate has^ since the day of Dissolution, 
maintained a total abstinence from his usual animal sjpirits. 

A rumour is current that the Jockey Club of Pans, wishing to 
evince its love of British sports and pastimes, has issued invitations 
for a series of foot-balls. 

We believe it is no secret that, somewhere about the middle of 
next week. Prince Bismarck is expected to arrive at the Vatican, 
on a friendly private visit to His Holiness the Pope. 

Winter Music. 

Although this year there is no winter, there are plentv of winter 
concerts, besides those which take place weekly at the Crystal 
Palace. In the Parks there are the concerts daily given by the 
thrushes, and in the streets the bands and barrel-organs axe in oon- 
tinual play. Unchecked by any frost, the hounds thxonghout the 
country are daily in full oi^, and make mnsio that is melMPeholy 
only to the fox. 

February U, l$7L] 



Mn medio TUTJSSIMUS." 

Cmmtfy PradUumer (about to go up to Lcmdon on Business), " 1 shan't BS M0e» 
tbjlk T*» Days at the FvaTEisT, Mr. Fatvcei*8, You'll visit the Patikjts 



(To W, K Q., exeuntL) 

** How *s this ? All through our innings 
We *ve played our very heat : 

Won eumeSf and loored our wuiiuiig«t 
Made nmi, and ta'en no rest : 

Our batting and our bowling- 
Over or under-hand— 

Since the hall we set rollinc', 
Where 's the eleven could atand ? 

" Yet what 's thia strikes the hearing 

With no uncertain sound P 
Quite the reverse of cheering, 

From all about the ground ? 

* Enough of your Eleven,* 

It plainly seems to say — 

* The loaf wants change of leaven ; 

Your lot haa had ita day I ' 

** Fickle and fond beholders \ 

WhoM late applausive about 
Is changed lor shrugging shoulders, 

And hints, * wo *d best go out,* 
W€ -te not changed men or manner ; 

Then^ why \four change of tone— 
This crowding to the banner 

By our opponents shown It '* 

So asks, of the ninsayen. 

Who oaoked him^ late, to win, 
The Cantain of the plavers, 

Who ve been these nve years in. 
But could these changed on-looken 

Speak their minds about the play— 
OffTO-a of odds or bookers— 

Perhaps, through Punchy they M say— 

** Don't think we want the game played 

As they played it long ago, 
What *s now plaved smartly tame played, 

What 's now played fast played slow : 
That we 'd bring back the old wicket, 

Any more than the old beaux — 
A hundred-years-sinoe cricket, 

Or a hun^red-years-sinoe clothes. 

** But the game we have been watching. 

As abroad played all about : 
And some foreign tricks are catching, 

Andf if caught, must be stamped out. 
And we doubt if your eleven 

On the qui vive would be, 
* Gainst the first rise of the leaven 

That *s fermenting over sea. 

" We doh't want bounds of order, 

Social landmarks, overpast ; 
We ^d have eads kept to their border, 

And cobblers to their last 
Swells and snobs no doubt are brothers. 

Both oould learn the bat to plv ; 
But the one learns, while the Qthm 

Have other fish to fry. 

"Then there *« Paddy— that old trouble- 
Seeking still what he can get ; 

Coaxing^ cameying, flats to Dubble» 
Till his whine is changed for threat : 

None can say that you 've not put down 
Wrongs he felt when you began j 

Now f^e time - s come to set foot down, 
And we doubt if you're the man. 

** From the Russians, and the Yankee<<, 

With their swagger, bounce, and fruwns, 
Have you earned a oraoe of thank-yes 

By knoek-unders, knuckle-downa ? 
Captains should not be heady, 

Quick to raise, or swell, a squall. 
But you have been too ready 

To flght shy, and sing small. 

** You boast you 've kept the Club up 

At small cost, and all squared, 
A tiifle made us dub -up. 

But all 'b not saved tnat 's spared. 
If in small matters meanly 

You've behaved, as folks oompkin. 
Better lose penoe terenelyi 

Than by oheeae-paring gain. 

'* The crotchety hobby-rider 

You had no great cause to fear, 
Till some cute cry-provider 

Linked **our Bibles** and " our Beer"! 
Then Cha^al was too keen 

To deal Mother Church a slap, 
And your score had higher been 

Had you run icttk the tap, 

** Then you*ve had the misfortune 

In your team to undergo^ 
Some who *d neither keep tune nor tuns» 

Whose each word was a blow : 
They got you in hot water, 

In scrapes they got themselves ; 
And those they gave no auarter. 

Salute them, on their shelves! 

" This, or something very near it» 

Your captaincy has cost : 
For yourself— never fear it— 

You will win back all you 've lost. 
But OutinriL after Innings, 

Are good for every aide ; 
If cricket were all winnings, ^ 

Games, not balls, would be shted* 

" Captains, perhaps, more lucky, 

Have hod, ere now, their day, 
But never one more plucky. 

Or gamer in his play, 
They talk about your hlundcrs,— 

We own them— so may you ; 
But when all *s eaid^ the wonder's 

That they have been so lew I" 




[Feblcjlbt li, 1874. 


T7t^ Va*"Jer{lk and u^Arh^^ \n particular . Adrice ahmd ami Suggestif/n*. 

lE^T, Sn-, I must apologise for sot 
haTin^ r^preseiited Yoa in i J ig M 
of public amu^^nient. Bat aoriiig 
ihtm electii^n times I have been Con- 
BerTa.tiv^, thai i^, I have keiit myaelf 
to myself in my room, in order to 
keep myself eabn, before inoeooding, 
in state, to the leal Priyate Box of 
the Political Theatre, the Bdlot Box. 
Tme, I did drop in to Bee the 
Mmd io limn, and A^ Bias 
EighUd at the Vandeville, and can 
hiiorhly commend the old'-fuhkmed 
picture presented by IfESSBS. James 
TiiOB^'i: and Miss Laskik in the last 
aeene^ where ^ SiUey^ Goktffnch^ 
and Wtdmi? Warren ^ they beer the 
Commendatope*like ghost-raje at 
the doors. The play is a cunoatty, 
and as Euch ought to be seen. But 
how it ever was at any time a success 
is berond the ima^ative powers of 
Your Repreeentative. Where's the wit? Where's the 
qncram i' Where, save the one I 've mentioned, are the 
toILm^ situations? Where, and in whom, is there any 
possible interest ? And yet ^eat names have been asso- 
ciated with it ; and Youtlg Boniion, Old Domton, Widow 
Warren, and GMjfinchy were houflenold words with play- 
(roera. la the Burlesque there is a very funny Spanish 
dance hj Mil. Jajizs, aa the short*tailed Flunkey, Ruy Bias, This 
id thti 1< irst be^Bne, 

Miss Kate BitfHOP looks charming' aa Ihn Cmsar de Bazan. and 
JLn. TnQttlTE is a diabolical ruffian, ** with a song," encored till 
there ajr© no more verses. The ** political hits of the day," even at 
this time, did not take on the night your Uepresentative was 
present J and I do tmst sincerely that we have now exhausted 
this vem* Thank goodness, in liui/ BhiHj no one is made up as 
Mn. GuujsToyE, or MjL Low^e, or Mb, Disa^tzLi. Cheap fare at 
the best, and all very well m its way, for once, and away, and then 
have done with it, 

Tlit-ic ore, bif, ccrtuiu uuiUDCiuciibs wLiolx YouT Representative has 
not yet done, and the chief est is the Polytechnic. 

AoM7 that the holidays have linished, there is some chance of 

Si'ttintr (!»)nifortably into this Amusing and Instructive Institution. Coming to think of it, a place of Popular Instruction where Useful 
[nowlrdgo is imparted vivd voccy is something that ought to be higlily prized by diners-out, loungers, and vai)id conversationalists 
wlio hnirrrly read the newspapers, and seldom open a book. There are lots of such beinj^s. To them a Bnilling'sworth^ in the **Poly" 
Would hn iiblcHhill 
ublf to talk about 

tl my r«»ii Id introduce humorously at a whist party) , „„. _. 

boiiie" and "Carbolic;" all about Soda (without brandy}; all iibout "Potass;" particulars as to Salt, Mustard, Pepper, Bread, 
and tlu! amount of starch in oollars and i)otatocs; on all of wliicli su])j<;cts tlu*y, by the outlay of one shilling, might realise hundreds 
in tlir way of subsequent betting. I mean in this form: ** I bet you you dou*t know what India Kubber is made of." Some one will say 
** Klephants," another will suggest ** Indian Water-llats' liides," and a third will, after some consideration, expect that it grows, but 
how, or where, or what as, ho will bo uncertain. 

Try Cork. Ask how this is mside. Bet always; only bo prepared by a visit to the ** Poly" when they are lecturing on such useful 
«ulKJ*-ets. You'll get more knowledge of ** Ashantees" out of dissolving views than out of newspaiHirs or maps. 

I'niu'h and German might be iwpularly taught in this way, and 1 recommend the notion (free of charge) to Du. CiiOFT and the 
Hi)irit(-d Directors of the Polytechnic Institution. 

(Jriat'ldu is to come out of the bills next week, and Marie Stuart j by ^Iii. Wills, who wrote Charles the First for Mji. Invito at the 
liyei'uiu, ia to be produced. Mr. Kousby is to play John Knox, (Jt^"-^ Knox would have been, by the way, a iirst-rato name for a 
i«M)1nian who goes with the oarriage : John ^ets oil the carriage, and John Knocks. This par paj-enthese,) 

Well, I hear that John KnoXy the Calvinist, is to be shown in love secretly with Mark Stuart. I do not know what sort of a turn 
tlie romantic Autlior has given to this hidden passion, but if Marie were made to marry J, A'., then at the end of the piece there would 
bo an oi>|M)rtunity for a similar tag to that of Box atul Cox— the immortal (or imMorton) Box and Cox— only we must suppose Cox 
to be I)arnlfi/y liox Bothwellf and Penelope Anncy Marie, Then it would go something like this : — 

hoX'liuthrrll {trading a ieUttrfrom Pbkrlopk Anne Mabie). 
'yix-l)arnlvy» I hasten to inform you 

But seeing that our feelings, like our ages, do not reciprocate 

Febbuabt 14, 1874.] 



Box-Bothwell, Of my immediate nnion 

CoX'DamUy. With 

Box-Bothwell. Mb. Knox. 

BM. BniTo! Ihiee cheers for Evox I 

If this does not appear too late for Mr. Wills to benefit by the 
suggestion, he is weloome to the amendment. In the meantime I 
smoerely hope that the pieoe may be as successful, without the above 
raggestion being acted upon, as it certainly would be were it adopted. 
vSium $ap, 

Mb. Arthub Cecil (late of Oerxan Reed's) has come out at the 
Obbe in an adaptation of Le BeveiUon, I hear of his having made 
an undoubted hit on the stage ; he is *' to the manor born : ' but, 
before I dare to report to You, Sir, his performance must be wit- 
nessed by the very eyes of youb Represe>'tative. 

P.S. — In March, at Drury Lane, we *re to have Elizaheth^ or the 
Exilea of Siberia^ a complimentary drama to the Duke of Edin- 
BXTBOH and his bride, I buppose. The Grande Duchesse should be 
bronght out somewhere. The Bkedinq Nun of Lindenhurg is still 
at the Haymarket. Your Representative has been much bothered 
to anawer satisfaotorily a question put to him by \nsitors to the 
latter theatre: they say, **The Bleeding Nun? Whom does she 
hk$df " And they will go there expecting to see a cross between a 
Ifiss Mary Walker and a Sister of Mercy with a doctor's diploma. 
If they oome away disappointed, it 's not the fault of Y. K. 


THE breakfast table free ! 
Tax off coffee, sugar, tea. 

For the Grocer 

(Scan it closer) 
What a blessing tnat will be ! 

Duties lowered, directly wo 
Prices raised are safe to sec. 

Great concession ; 

Fat possession 
Of the breakfast table free ! 


PERrsixo the subjoined passage in the speech lately delivered by 
Mb. Brigiit at Birmingham, many if not most reaacrs will very- 
likely be disposed simply to say. Ditto to Mr. Biught : — 

"I appeal to any man who is not incurably prejudiced or hopelessly 
ignorant as to the fact, whether, at this moment, England is not a country 
incomparably better to live in than it was thirty or forty years ago ? Look at 
her commerce and her industir, look at her wealth, look at the wages of her 
people, look at the progress of education, look at the greater security in this 
oonntry, look at the comfort which is spread among the masses of Che com- 
mmiitj, with greatly diminished pauperism ; and then we must ascribe this, 
in Iai;ge measure, to the course of policy which has been pursued by the Par- 
liament, and which has been indicated and controlled mainly by the Liberal 

Look on one side, and, certainly, sec all that Mr. Bright points 
oat as the fruit mainly of Liberal legislation. But look also a little 
at the other, and then see if England is indeed a country so much 
better to live in as to be preferable to what it was thirty or forty 
Tears affo, altogether and incomparably. Look at some ot the pro- 
ancts of our commerce and industry. Look at devil' s-dust, look at 
shoddy, look at Manchester mildew, look at failures and panics, 
look at the adulteration of food and drink, look at the high prices 
of provisions, look at beef above a shilling a pound, look at i>oultry 
nx shillings and more a couple, look at geese eleven and twelve 
shillings and upwards each, look at oysters half-a-crown a dozen, 
look at beer as it comes from the beer-engine in comparison with 
the beer which came from the barrel, look at our enclosed commons 
and open snaoes, and at the progressive destruction of our walks 
and views, look at the straitened circumstances of the intellectual 
and professional working classes, whose moderate and hardlv-eamed 
incomes have not risen with the rise in the cost of living. England, 
on the whole, is no doubt a country, in respect of luxuries and 
accommodations, considerably, if not incomparably, better to live in 
now than it was thirty or foity years ago for great capitalists, suc- 
cessful speculators on a monster scale, and the striking classes in 
the receipt of high wages, of which they snend every larthing in 
present enjoyment. All extravagant people, no doubt, find this 
country very much better to live in now, as long as their means of 
extravagance last, than people in general found it then. None led 
jollier bves then than the grasping and squandering classes lead 
now. whilst they remain able to grasp a sufficiency to squander, and 
nntii, by-and-by, they br^dc down and go to the bad. But, of 
eonrte, as im]^royement is remrded as the result of Liberal policy, 
ao most detenoration be aaeribed to Conservative obstruction. 



IE "lives of freat men" 
(LoNGFEHAifr) are always 
fraught ntfh interest and 
instructionr tqiMMmilly when 
mterspened with goodcn- 
gOLYmga: bat, unfortu- 
nately, of PiJiny of the most 
eminent oboracters who 
have adorned the po^t and 
illumined the present^ the 
account banded dowtx to us 
by poflterity is but meagre 
and insutHcient* What 
would we not give* even in 
these day a of high prices, 
to know something of the 
fireside life of CEcolam- 
PADirs or Ttcho Bbah^ ? 
With what interest should 
we look on Lope de Veoa 
in all the sweet familiarity 
of the domestic circle; 
with what eager avidity 
peruse the private Journal 
of Wtnktn de Wobde ! 

The remarkable ecclesi- 
astic, who sheds so much 
lustre on the shortest month 
in the calendar, is no ex- 
ception to a rule which the growth of civilisation and the spread of 
an insatiable curiosity will, before long, number with the reveries 
of the Mystics and the subtleties of the ancient Schoolmen. 

A protracted search (and: feea awwrdingiy) among the archives of 
the principal nations, bothjmdeiitMidinodwiUMase^ral mornings 
spent in examining the reeords of a great Public Establishment 
where, if anywhere, some light might have been expected to be 
thrown on the history of one of its oldest patrons and firmest 
supporters— we refer to the General Post-Office-^f ailwl to add any- 
thing to what PEXxrALiyrs had already communicated to the world 
through the ordinarv channels of the Press. 

The place of the Bishop's birth is not known— the parish registers 
having been destroyed in the great Fire of London,7-the Endowed 
Schools Commission are not able to say where he received ms educa- 
tion ; and we are yet in the dark as to the year in which he took 
Orders, and the exact locality of his first Curacy. 

That he was popular, especially with the ladies of his congrega- 
tion, tradition leaves us no room to question ; that he composed 
tender verses far superior to those we now read in the sta- 
tioners' windows, a reference to the Manuscript Department of 
the British Museum— Ca//>?//a XIV. ^ ax 1416 (c)— will place beyond 
a doubt : that he could illuminate his poetry with the nicest taste, 
and the nappiest adaptation to his nurpose of all the usual emblems 
of affection, is abundantly proved by the examples which are still 
guarded with jealous care in the Mionasteries of the Levant ; and 
that he, who of all men seemed marked out to participate in tiie 
delights of domestic intercourse and family affection, should pass his 
life in joyless celibacv and solitary isolation, is a mournful revela- 
tion which only too forcibly confirms the truth of the adage— that 
no man knows what is in store for him until he raises the veil of 

Wo cannot even rescue from oblivion the name of the Lady to 
whom Valextdje was hopelessly attached, although a rumour long 

Srevalent in the neighbourhood where he resided, pointed to the 
aughter of his Churchwarden; and if this nmid sketch of the 
Bishop's life and times wants something of the fulness and details 
of modem biographies, we are sustained by the consciousness that it 
contains nothmg whicn can pain the survivors, or wound the most 
sensitive and fastidious taste. 

Family Beading. 

A Magazine storv now in progress is entitled Second Counn 
Sarah, This, wo believe, is only the first of a series of tales which, 
when completed, will be found to comprise Brother-in-Law Befy'a-' 
min^ Great Aunt Mart/, Mij Maternal Grandmother Witheringham, 
Mr, Minnypink^s Jl^(fe*8 Mother^ and many others of the like 
domestic tendency. 

(H. B.) 

Berwick has returned Captain Hoice. Another Home Ruler! 
Ireland will have its own Parliament one of these days. 



[Febboaut 14, 1674. 




J . ;;f;^ 



" WfllRE AR« YOtr OODIG TO, PaPA ! " " To THE ClTTj MT DeAR/* 

*• And what are you ooino to the City for, Papa!" •* To make Money for Yor, axd Mattd^ aki* Hahma, astd Baby J' 


** Mk*LL only PUT IT IN HIS MoUTH i " 


Vote bv Ballot? Vote be botliei^dl Vote by Ballot? Vote be 

blowed \ 
Never for them blessed Liberals wouldn't bft' voted if I 'd know'd. 
Call it Liberal ? I say shabby, not to pay a poor man's vote. 
Wot '9 that worth now when among %ni aU there ftin*t a £* pnn 


Melancholy BlterBtion--am*t it ?— from the good old times. 
When they nsed at ©very lection ringio* for to set the chimea. 
Then it was the tradesman's 'arvest, witeh the poor man reaped as 

Every free and independent lector 'ad a vote to sell* 

O the days witch I remember, never more sitch times as they, 
Brav to poll in a pheaton^ ever sitch a little way. 
Open 'ouse at each Committee — drink aod wittltis gratia free ; 
Ar the times as we *ave seeni and now to think of them we see ! 

Treatin' now is made corruption, and the lawr is so severe, 
There ain't nothink nowhere goin', no not even a pint o' beer. 
Wot a change for to come over this here former 'appy land ! 
Call it atandin' for a Member when a drop he mustn t stand ? 

'Ere't a state o' things we've oome to which before was never 

Now a voter's vote and interest he can't call no more Mi own. 
Wot *B a Briton's ancient birthright, witch I am forbid to iwe? 
Wy not for a mess of porridge let me aeU it if I choose P 

Now my vote I can*t diBpose of 'taint no good no more to me. 
Who the man is for my money there ain't one as I can see. 
And for takin' useless trouble I don't feel I got no call. 
Witeh^ if so, would be a reason wy I shouldn't vote at alL 

But for me between the parties though to choose there 's acnrce a 

They 've a trifle in their favour change as always went agin. 
Then; 's some hopes, however littk% it* so be they gain the day. 
So the Tuhes I shall i>oll for, though 1 iiings my vote away. 


Although the Income-tax was laid on as a partial impost, it 
cannot, we are told, be simply tm such taken off again. 6ome 
amount of indirect taxation, in some form or other, miust, our 
liberal ^nanciers and friends insist ou saying, be remitted, at the 
same time, to make things even* But* in the view of common 
sense, does not this evenness look very odi ? They wiU have it that 
Income-tax repeal mu»t be balanced by remiasion ol dut^ on artiolea 
of general consamption. Of course they must mean articles chiefly 
consumed by the masses in general, and not by the Inci>me-tax 

Sayers. Now the payers of Income-tax all keep a breakfast -tAble. 
iost of them keep as good a breakfast-table as their incomes will 
let them. They would share the benefit of a free breakfast- table 
with the masses at large. All classes alike consume tea. But all 
classes are not equally consumers of the coarser kinds of intoxioatinip 
liquors. The speoial oonsumers of ardent spirits are your masses. 
If, then, you propose to repeal indirect taxation in snoh a form as 
particularly to benelit them, would not your surest way of dfeoting 
that object be to take the tax utf the People's Gin 2* 

Oroans in ChiUdhall, 

Bajo Magog to Oog, 
** This horrible fog! '*- 
— ** Haa got," Gog replied, 







Fimi Ain> ImKpmtDMT Tocxs. " AND NOT A Fl-PUN-NOTE AMONG 'EM." ^ 

Febbcabt 14, 1874.] 




{An IndderU during (ht Present Eledions,) 

ABDfGLY I had 
promised to muke 
a speech in favour 
of my friend, the 
Unpopular Candi- 
date, to a select 
andieBCe of ahout 
two thonsaiLd elec- 


The points which 
I hod aiTED^ed to 
make, w£)uld, it was 
confidently expeo- 
tedt tum the scale 
in favonr of my 
friend, on whose 
acccont I was pre- 
pared with unan- 
swerable arguments op the **Pew Rates/* the ** Road Rates," 
the "ContMious Diseases" "Harbour Dues," **Home Rule," 
•• Woman's Rights," " Local ShippingAmendment Acts," " Sugar 
Duties," "Income-tax," " Sunday Trading," " Dissenters' Burial 
Bill,"^* SmaU Birds^" and " Irish Fisheries.^ 

From whatever side I might be attacked it mattered not. I 
hadn't a vulnerible point— not even in the heel. 

My head was in the right place, so was myheart ; but, alas, I 
faftd not calculated upon the treachery of— the Weather. 

On Saturday night I rehearsed my speech to an admiring circle of 
friends, among whom were genuine critics — unable, however, to 
detect a flaw in my reasoning ; and we sat up till nearl v four in the 
morning, deliberating. I say, advisedlv, " deliberating," because we 
prooeedm so ver3r deliberately. As tne small hours sped on, and 
grew gradually bigger and bigger, so we thought more and spoke 
less. Some one in a comer observed that it was time for bed, as 
though 4 A.M. had alwavs been our fixed hour for retiring : and 
flome one else voluntecrea the information, as a brilliant discoverv 
which would take us all by surprise, that it was ** petting late." 
Whereupon we searched for our hats, coats, and umbrellas, which 
seemed to have been holding a nolitical meeting on their own account 
in the Hall, where they were all lying about in an exhausted state, 
with my hat in the chair, and, after arriving at correct conclusions 
with regard to our own proi)erty, we sallied forth into the street. 

I walked home, and a cruel, treacherous wind was waiting for me 
round a comer. 

I was not aware of the cowardly assassin's blow, and went to bed, 
shivering slightly, but merely attributing it to my lire having, in a 
most unsociable manner, gone out about an hour before I came in. 

In the morning, when my Sunday hat was brought in to remind 
me of my duties, lurtrove to ask what tJie time was, but— my voice 
tcaagone ! 

I have been told at different times by enthusiastic friends, who 
have pressed me to renresent something in Parliament, that mine 
was a " carrying Toioe," and that in certain modulations and infleX- 
iens it was very "fetclung." The i>o6sessor of a voice that can 
*' fetch and carry" ou^ht not to be surprised if it occasionally does 
go out on an errand of its own. 

Up to thia moment I had had full command over it ; now, it had 
escaped, ran aw«7t perhaps deserted to the opposite side, bribed by 

the hostile Candidate, and, worse than all, it might never be heard 
of again. 

A case occurred to my mind of a friend of mine, who, on being 
rejected by the lady to whom he had been paying his addresses, haa 
struggled with his emotions on a hearthrug, and, on paitially re- 
covering his equilibrium, had attempted to utter the wrads, " Fare- 
well, thou heartless one I " when he lound himself choking after the 
"farewell," then the word "heartless" got twisted inhis throat, 
and became something like " hearthrug," which made her laugh, 
and caused him to rush out of the room and out of the house, ana 
when he tried to hail a cab he found that his voice had left him, 
and what is more, it did not return for years, when he at last, after 
travelling all over the world, found it in the Southern Hemisphere, 
on a glorious night, singing under a balcony to the daughter of the 
Chiei Magistrate, whom (tne daughter, of course) he subsequently 

Friends came in to see me, and were horrified, petrified. Wofttld 
it be all right for Monday night ? that is, for the great speeeihP 
I feared not. 

Each one impressed upon, me his particular remedy. 
The first said : galvanism. He regretted that the Polyteehnio 
wasn't open on Sunday, as there was galvanism idways going on 
there. This lead incidentally to a discussion on the advisability of 
an Act for the Opening of the Polytechnic on Sunday ; with gal- 
vanism. I could only listen. 

My friend, who made the proposition, wondered that I hadn't a 
pocket galvanic machine by me. Everyone had, he said. He 
hadn't : and no one who called that day had. 

Number Two suggested " Cold Water Bandages." We had cold 
water, but no bandages. Some one observed that " any old rags 
would do." 

We summoned the Landlady of my chambers, who provided rags. 
We made a great mess with sponges, basins, towels, and the rags, 
and in an hour's time I was ratncr worse. 

Number Three, who had assisted in this remedy, now observed that 
" the Cold- Water Cure was no use, unless it was done under regular 
advice, and on a svstem." 

Number Two reluctantly admitted that he was afraid this was the 
case, and wished I could go at once to Ben Rhydding, or some Water- 
Cure Establishment in North Wales. 

Number Four broke in with "Ah, yes; or Aix-la-Chapelle in 

As, by this time, I could only write what I l^ad to say. I put down 
on a slate, " Can 't go there and be back in time to speak to-morrow. 

All shook their heads. They reminded me of Job's friends ; but 
they only worried him, I don't remember any one of them proposing 
medical remedies to him. Gralvanism and cold-water oandages 
would, of course, have been out of the question at that period of 

A Fifth (who had been in a cavalry regiment, and has still a 
dashing wav with him), said. " I '11 tell you what it is. Don't 
coddle. Tate a good walk with no overcoat on ; get hot ; then go 
into a cold bath ; rub well ; and pet to bed." 
This I refused to listen to at all ; and he retired in dudgeon. 
Number Six, with the reputetion for being a comic man, suggested 
this : " Take," he said, " a red-hot poker, and a glass of port. Stir 
up the latter with the former, and go to bed. Smo thing." 

The red-hot poker sounded so peculiarly pantomimic, that I at 
once declined it (on my slate in pencil, with thanks,), regarding it as 
a sort of remedy with which the Clown would insist on curing the 
Pantaloon, if the latter had lost his voice. 

" Inhaling," " Bronchial Troches," " Old Stockings and Eau-de- 
Cologne," " Lemon and Cayenne Pepper on a hot flannel," " Cham- 
pagne," "Mustard leaves," "Vapour Bath" were all taken into 
consideration, and their merits argued out by my council of friends, 
each one of whom voted for his particular remedy, and denounced 
the others as worse than useless. 

Night came, and my voice had not returned. The last man to 
leave insisted upon my putting a lamp under my chair, wraitping a 
flannel all round me, and making me sit there for hall' un hour. 
The only result was a horrid smell of smoke and burning, and my 
jumping up violently (my enthusiastic friend was actually holding 
me down by the shoulders), overturning the lamp, spilling the oil, 
nearly settmg Are to the house, and spoiling the carpet, thus neces- 
sitating an earlv retreat to my bed-room. 

^ly friend only said that he supposed it wasn't the prox>er sort of 
lamp for the purpose, and soon after left. 
Tne Doctor arrived, and regretted I hadn't sent for him before, 
^londay came, and Mondav evening. 

The meeting was addressea by supporters of the Unpopular Can- 
didate, who, on presenting himself, was unable to get any one to 
listen to him. On the Tuesday he was nowhere at the Poll. 
He lost his election in consequence, he said, of my loss of voice. 

Weeze Viila, near Korf CasUe. ^"^^^ Huskissos. 




[Fbbeuasy U, 1874. 

Ptri Toung Farmer. '* Tfi' Otmus Loox Poor to -day, Goteekob I " 

R&hmt Huntsman. ** Poor I So wotrxjs roti look Poor if you Wobked habb, wofuh^t ttott I" 
Farmer. " Wkll, thbk, you tjlks it pebttv E4ST, I nuoxjuf Thixk!" 


EL Bon, W, E. Gladstone, 
He *s iii» below a Tory, 0* my word, 
He 'a lucky that h& wasn't over-BooED. 

BL Hon. W. Forster, 
Ag&inBt tKee spiteful pbtists spat prayers : 
Too big ft bird to o&tch with Salx Eke tkeirs, 

Daniel Grant. 
FOMTTH, forwptb, 18 foremost. Dafii:l*s dotm. 
It ierve» him right for ahuttijig out Tom BEo^^f • 

if. A, ^^uck. 

A well-etmed laurel, braTe and Yeteiun knigbtt 
" And at the ©Tentide tbere shall be light." 

Guildford Omltiw. 
A doubly bitter blow, Kaight of Grot, 
A cousiiL ^1 hand ooneigneth tiiee to pot. 

Mr. Cotei. 

The pen that now eosijatiilates tbee^ Cotes, 
Helped to 8eom« tby tire North Shropebire ToUt^ 

Mr, Morttnan* 
Eh I nearly off, m]r Horsemftn. Only 5* 
But turn in toe«, sit squsre, and look aliTe. 

Mr, Peter Tayhr. 
Fet^E oomes book to blnbbor if a gaoler 
Soore» ft gftrotting brute with exHa wbftler. 

Mr. AifrUnu 
0! mildett Iiidkni have ther turned thee out P 
liiia cornea of too mncb gentlentAs, Be atont. 

Mr. Whailey 

Wbat, in again ! Out happmeis h thorough* 
A health to Earlffwood, and to Peterborough ! 

Mr, Jacob Bright 

And thon extrude ! Sadder thiif and Bftdder I 
We thought our John would be our Jacobus Iftdder. 

jSf'r if. Pakingi&n* 
Droitwitchi A ^^Tf sneaking thing to do* 
Mak^ of floeta, we ^U find a berth for yon. 

On Three, 
My LtrcRAJT, and my Ponra, and my Oikjee ! 
Where 'a workman's oonfidenoe in working oodger ? 

Mr. Paines. 
No '* Baik^es of Le^a" apon the record fonnd» 
And yet the world goes round, and round, and nmnd I 

Mr, Saul Isaac, 
A Tory Jew I Why not P Or short or tall, 
He *li stand out proud among 'em, like Kurd BAUh, 

Mr, Dra^, 

How are yon, Peax ? Wo 'Te known yon many & yeiri 
Minda't Odin^ Be^kelet, ftnd that hobbled deer F 

Mr. a P. Viiiiers. 

OnUant old Whig : hadst thon been bid retire, 
Fo^ WolTerhampten ^ould bftw felt our m^ 

Mr, FauxetL 
H&tt lost him, Brighton, to thyieli nnkind ? 
He ieefl too much — 'tii Brighton thfti fa blind. 






Jneient Lady. ** Let me Drhte tou, Miss Sharp. It ib quttk in mt wat, akd I oak't 


Modtm Ditto, •* Oh, 1 don*t mixd Walk^ino a bit, teaksm ! Besides, 1 wakt to 
Smoke ! *' 

Mr, Osborne, 

We '11 miM thee, Osbobke. *Tis a bore supenuiL 
But quickly find aaothe? aeat, our fi££XAL. 

Sir John Kanlakt, 
Karslaee the lucky. Hither cometh he, 
A goodly preaeuoe for E. M. A, G. 

Sir J, McKenna* 

How is 8ni Joseph's precious Constitution f 
Hifl *' ad.'* daolared ** he was near Disaolutiou/' 

Mr. Jenkins* 
High in the North, in fact at fair Dundee, 
High Jinks i Babi/ marmalading' lee. 

Sir Jiichard Wallace, 
^ly 's OUT HouAe« and dull. He laeke not nmts : 
He wanta a oontrast, perhi^w, to Hertford House. 

Friend and Fo«* 

Ifijr la hut human. So it was not suTprifiin? to read on the polling day^ that at Laun* 
oeelo& a toajority of the Licensed Yictuallers were supporting the ConaerTatire DEAxnif in 
Dtelereiioeto the Llheml Bmnkwatesl The question has been asked whether the Ponte* 
met Publioani were equally amiable to anothc^r successful ConBeiratiTO Oandidate — Majoe 


Eoxx AWD Nfwfoutcdlajtd.— Wliieh of the Roman Emperor* was it who laay be sup- 
led to have been accustomed to talk dog- Latin Y Nebo ! I 

(By an Ancient AgmL) 

TwKt may silence nominationi, 

And lay the hustings low, 
Till Election-times as quiet 

As a Quaker-aieetiog flTow. 
With frown and line and prieen 

The use of ' ' sugar " damn. 
Hang *' the Aot *^ m Urrermi 

O'er the m^k head of '' the iunb : '' 

Plant round BlectioDecrin^ 

Law's man-trap and «pnag-gu: 
Kill its pleasures and its proftti, 

Cut on its funds and fim ; 
Try re-oastinfr th«. ol J voter 

ToaPuriv ,, 

E*en take a i i >>t*shot« 

At the dark ' Aiiiii-m-the-Moon: ** 

They may scrub .Innx Hht l, or rub him« 

With, or again ^ in. 

To work off the nl 

And scour out thu old btJiia ; 
But, spite of ActH and Judges, 

Expo^—' +-•-- --■} paol, 
There \ rid 8ug<tr — 

Theic - —1 J -xC-sandele, 

Canyass and KetHftiAtlon 

Yon r tt» ropes of sand ; 

See pn pie-cmst, 

But t^ ^.^ .,x v-^lh stand ; 
Bid falsehood, from all poiidtias 

Relieved; go, smooth and souig, 
And drop into the Ballot- Box 

The c^ it 's kept so anug : 

From opposite directions 

You may approach your ^ome. 
To bhame put bribed and bribers. 

Or rob lying of its shame ; 
Moke it harder for sharp agents 

Safe the needful out to ehell, 
Or easier for sharp yoters 

Both aides, in turn, to sell : 

But you *11 new-spot the leopardi 

Sooner than turn the lamb 
From following after su^ar— 

A taste sucked from ms dam ; 
To the mast you may nail your ooloura,— 

True blue, or blue and buff,— 
Only one colour jou '11 find " fast *' — 

The colour of ^' the stuff." 

There Ml still be wires for pulling, 

And artful hands to pull ; 
Still "Purity of Election" 

Will be more cry than wool. 
While Candidates want voioes, 

And Electorates want tin. 
The two wants in the market 

Wai manege to fall in. 

And we, the grey Old Gnardnnen 

Of Old Election war*. 
Who of fights ere the Reform Bill 

Can show the stumps and soars. 
Needs must snigger, when the green laUi 

Still at their goose-step, say, 
** Bribery and corruption, 

Thank HeaTen, hare had their day I '* 

** Bribery and Corruption"— 

Lor^ bless your silly souls, 
Let who will fight the battle. 

They still wU] the i*oll» 
If a seat is w i^ for — 

Paid for it ^o : 

What costs notlime i^ worth nothings— 

By the rule of £ «, d* 





Litil^ TwiMt$r(io hit ffoft, Ughtinq his tenth Cigar ^ and having eJskautUd ** Th^ Spanuh Crisis,^ ** Diat(^Hlhn of ParUament^** and 

*' VQJfOgc of Challmgcr" d-t.) ** BV TU*BY, BLOltKR, it BTRIKBa MK THEflS AJIK SffV'KRAL PoiNTS IN THi« TiCHBOltNX Caj»R THAT- ^** I t 

[All wt kfiotc further tM, Otaf about Um Iiour a short QtnUemAni was suii to kam a hmtM m GravelcUt Cresctnt ftasiili/, withoui hin hoi, 
which ttv(jt throu*n after him / 

Glabbtonx spake unto the KatioD* 
" If you *d have me keep my Btation, 

Vote your wish that Vd do so/' 
He dissolved ; and then the Nation 
Answered, without hesitation, 

** Dearest WjXLiAM^you can go," 

Motto for a Miniiier. 

Mr. Lowb» on the part of hia Mmiaterial colleagiies, accepts the 
accusation, and glones in the avowaL that their acts have been 
those of a ** harassing Govemirent/' The late Chanczlloh of tee 
ExciTEatmK and present Homt. Sfxeetaey appears to aim, on prin- 
dpk, at gaming popularitv bv systematically making thinga un- 
pleasant. His motto should t>e, "What's the odds bo long as 
you ^re miaerahle ? " 

Independence Triumphant* 

^M The return of Mr, Rokbuck for Sheffield will be prenerally hailed 

^H as a truly cheeririR" return of old times. Would ihe Hunourable 

^H Member lor iSheiheld have been elected under a Kvt^tem of open 

^H T0tin|r ^ Intimidation is now as little possible for Trades* Unions 

^H aa it IS for Landlords ; and the Workman who votes by Ballot defies 

^m rattening. 



TiTE arrangements for voting by Ballot have evident! v been 
designed with an express view to the accommodation of the illiterate 
voter* It was doubtless thought that, having only to put his mark 
X to the right of the name of the candidate whom he intended to 
vote for, he could hardly by any possibility make a mistake in per- 
forming that simple operation. There h, however, reason to behere 
that several seats have been lost to the Conservative party, because 
many of the voters for the Publicans' Candidates were so carried 
away by their enthusiaem for beer^ excited above measure by exeesa 
in that oeTerage, as to score three marks after the name of the man 
of their choioe— thus intending to indicate him as the representative- 

Taxes on ICusic* 

It seems there is a proposal in France ** to put a tax of * 

francs per annum on every piano throuff^hout the country." Any 

Chancellor of the Exchequer who would nave the courage to impose**^ 
a similar tax, say of ten pounds a jrear, on every barrel-organ, oi^ 
other instrument of street^music m England, would deserve s^^^ 
peerage, and ultimately Westminster Abbey. 

A Service B^ turned. 

BisRArLi Household Suffrage brought about ; 
Then called a Parliament wnich turned him out. 
Gladstoke tiie Ballot gives, and, when he goes 
Next to the country, gets returned his foes. 
This measure seems a pajment for the other; 
As though one good tum had received another. 

P«tfni4a«iMvr. in Ihr TmrHh a 



O odious a detect in 
character is ingra- 
titude that nobody 
disposed to think 
well of hiii kind 
would hastilT im- 
pute it to anybody. Let ua 
besitatei therefore, to infer 
it, from the following' Times^ 
parajrraph, against a respect- 
able body of men :— 

**Thb Inland Rivbxub.— 
iiceording to the aixteenth anouaj. 
report of the CommiMioners on 
the Inhmd KeTenue, just fjuucd, 
the net receipt in 1873 wm 
£45,645,252, und in 1872 
£44,805,895. The net inoreaM 
vroB £839,357. The ComMiwion- 
en &dd — * We believe that tuob 
an extTAordinary inoreafte, purely 
from natond growth of rerefnue, 
US that thown abore has nerer 
before been recorded in the ac* 
counti of our Department. It h 
derived ulmoflt enttrely from 
Bpirita and beer.* The exciM 
duty on tpirits lost year a- 
flMuntad to £19,ri9,543» a^alnat £12,274,506, ahnwing an inirease of £1^474,947/' 

Superficial ooQsideradon of theie fi^nrea may sug'g^est the eonclusion that the Publicans 
lure behaved very ungratefully to Mb. Olldstoite in answering his appeal to the country 

by Toting afainst him. The Licensing Act 
certainly aoett at firat »ght, appear to 
have worked well for BxruQ. How it was 
likely to profit hinj has, indeed, been fore- 
told. It waa pointed out that tipplera, 
limited as to time for tippling:, woara per- 
liaps b© thereby incited t^ make the most 
of their time. T^mpiiA fugxt is a baccha- 
nalian aa well as a moral fcgeud ; witneis 
drinking songs which our forefather.^ used 
to aiug after dinner. Now, if Publicans, 
in consequence of the Licensing Act, sell 
more liquor now in less time than thtiy 
osed to before, they have to thank the 
lioensing Act for a boon equivalent to leas 
work for more wages. Proportionate thanks 
are due from them to Mb, Gladstone's 
Government, and to Ms. QLAnsToirB. 

Perhaps, however, the great increase 
in the conafumption of ** intoxicating 
liquors '* which has ensued the Licensing 
Act, may really ment the gratitude, not of 
the Publicans, but of the Grocers lioensed 
to purvev beverages of that descnption* 
It may have taken place not in public but 
in private house. Old Tom " may have 
become a greater favourite in the family 
circle— a creature more generally domesti- 
cated. Perhaps, to constitnte a really free 
breakfast table, it would be neceaaary to 
abolish the duty on ** Cream of the 


Though the large Public who love strif e» 
Felt he waa sore bereaving it, 

Kothing in Atrtoij's public life 
Became him Uke the leaving it. 

One soothing balm 'gainst Liberal smart 

May thankfully be pitt^id ; 
From the St, Stejihen'a play Aw part 

I' the HamJeta is omitted. 

And when we count up Tory gain, 
And groan o'er Liberal ravage, 

None 01 one item will complain — 
** Exit the Noble Savage." 



At a recent Conversazione of Friends of Progress, a paper was 
r^ad by Paoi-xssaR Bbambles ** On the Way to Obtain the Rights 
of Women,'* The learned Professor pointed out tlaat among the 
objections entertained by legislators to the concession of political 
eqnality with themselves to persona of the softer sex, the strongest j 
one was founded on the belief that women were really more soft 
than men in their intelleots as well as in their feelings. This 
idea, he said, waa sujggested hj various monstrosities of attire, 
many of them mostly oombinmg absurdity and nnsighlliness of | 
apptsaranoe with expense. It was not unreaaonable for thinking 
creatures to infer from stupidity and folly generally manifest in J 
f»eculiaritie8 of attire and decoration, matters especially witliin 
women's province, the likelihood that still greater foDy and stu- 
pidity would be displayed by them if they were entrusted with ' 
affairs hitherto regaidea as above or beyond them ; particularlv 
the elective franchise. To refute this natural, but, he hopco, 
erroneous notion, would be a necessary step to the attainment 
of tho«e dues which were now demanded for women at large by 
certain of their number commonly called strong-minded. These, 
thtrefore, he would recommend to initiate, and try and establish, a 
Society for the Reformation of Female Costume. This reform shoiild 
include no eccentricity ; not so much even aa any affectation of 
' ' it should simply contemplate the abolition of unbecoming 
Ions fashions and excels of apparel; for example, chig- 
it^e hair, long trailing drapery bdow, dresses preposter- 
r above, and high-heeled boots and shoes. When men 
n<>rfility of women dressing themselves in a manner in- 
m and understanding, and not of tasteless and 
V would then give them credit for some capa* 
,.A,A\\r.,.„^^ in the sphere nf politics, Tney 
• even to tnoKe who were unable to 
^ liomands for it by force. But they 

never would give a pftrt in the government of the country to crea- 
tures evincing a dencienoy of mind in even their own clothing, 

M&8, Ge£TMail£ had listened with attention to the discourse of 
the learned Professor, and, in the main purport of it, agreed with 
him. But, as to the reformation of female costume, she was fully 
prepared to go very much ftirther than the limited extent which he 
had pointed out. As to female costume, she scorned being content 
with any partial reformation. 9he, for her part, would say reform 
it altogether* In dress, as well as in political and social position, 
let women who would be truly free place themselves, with regard to 
men, on terms of absolute equality. She was ready to join any 
society of women who would make it a condition of membership to 
adopt all the verv most particular specialities of male attire, and that 
not only in the aomestic circle and coniugal life, but likewise every- 
where, abroad as wc41 as at home, ana whether they were married 
or single, la short, their cry should be, *' No more Petticoats, and 
Knickerbockers for Ever ! '^ 

Sons of Bt. Valentine. 

In perambulating the streets, for some time previously to the 
fourteenth instant, every thoughtful observer must have remarked 
the multitude of pictorial nbsurditieB, uglinesses, and imbecilities 
displayed everywhere in the print-shop windows. The oonBideratiou 
of these idiotisms HUjrgests the thought that the fourteenth of Feb- 
ruary, and not the First of April, is the real AM Fools* Day. 


An article of fumjture has been much advertised of late under 
the name of Wood Tapestry, It is difficult to conceive tapestry 
made out of wood. Even Fatin-wood does not consist of satin which 
woidd serve as a material for tapestry. 





Jocund Tory. *' O, bother tub Tax 1 Lktsb 'av« thm Inoomh fubt I V 

Ikpresacd Liberal. " Be* don* Y«a see Qla'sdon was coin' to *boli8H th' Inoomi- 
Taxjjh T " 


A YEBT ftnaient, and it ia fearlessly asserted, invalTiable re<ieipt for pancakes, ia known to 
exist amongst the arcliives of a Monastery in Greece, but the etitire diplomatic body at 
Athens haTB failed* up to the present time — their latest tele^am is now lying before us — to 
persuade the Hooka to allow a tao-aimile to be taken of thia precious MS. by means of photo- 

SuETOirrrs is the only classic author who mentions pancakes. He describea them in hia 
well-known unctuous style, but, strantre to say» wthout settling the |xjint which has bo long 
been hotly oonteated, as to the material in which they were originally fried. The treatise 
in which he leaves this question as ho found it is oiro of the scarcest of his works, but a 
nuncmr has just roaohed na that there is a copy in the Public Library at Fribourg. 

Those who hay© carefully studied the superstitions and traditions of the rural peasantry 
ftre not averse to tell us that many of them fctill cling to the belief, that if they steadUy 
think of something which they wish to happen the wnole of the time they are engaged in 
eatini{ t>aucakea on Shrove Tuesda)', without speaking or gazing out of the window, and 
fast till next morning at breakfast, they are sure to find a piece of money where four cross- 
roads meet, when next the moon is at the full on a windy ni^ht. 

The Pancake bell ought to be rung by a fresh rope, which has been bought in the dusk, 
with new silver, by the senior Verger. 

II the ohuroh-cloek strikes while the bell is still ringing, the peel of all the oranges (or 
lemons) which have been used at dinner must he earefufly collected and burnt, with three 
<rh6er9, before the family retire to rest ; or the same thing will happen which bef el the i)eople 
in an outlying village in Shropshii^, towards the close of the century. (See Bi^imore^s 
KUtoru of Salop J iii., 64— the rare edition with the oaneelled leaf.) 

There are certain things which, by universal consent, ought never to be done on Shrove 
^M Tuesday, when it falls on that day. For instance, you must nut sit on the damp grass or 

H walk by a running stream j you muat not cross the boundarj" uf the adjuining county ; you 

H must not answer any question which a stranger may address to you if he has a patch over 

H his left eye ; and you must on no account, nowever small^ look over your shoulder when 

H you are turning the comer of the street. 

H On the other himd, y<Jtt niay choose Shrove Tuesday for depositing money in a Post-Offjct^ 

^M Savings Bank, or wearing a &«w hat for the iin>t time ; and if you have a liKht^handed 

^m I oook, and a vigorous appetite, and a sound digestion, and your affairs are all in order, 
H and yon hitve no one to care for but yourself, ana your medical man raisea no objeotion, you 

H may venture to eat a pancakct 


Ovu esteemed friend Mas, Malapeop has no patience with the people who want Women 
to have votes. She declares that, for herself, her nerves would never near the shook of having 
anything to do with the Electrical rrauohise* 

If his movement in the minor key 

Be a clue to that in the major, 
Hisperformance in the finer key' 

WiU be a startler, I wager I 

Who knows but we *11 see our DizzT, 

In the role of ^rcA^deoeiver. 
To a bob turning Hodge's tizz^, 

Ji sell than give voto ho *d hever. 

Or, for reasons anti-rabbleish, meant 

To teach Miall death is birth, 
Eeforming the Church Establishment 

Clean on the face of the Earth. 

Though for re-dividing the pound Bull 

Feel gratitude infinitesimal, 
Who knows but Dizzy ^11 be found full 

Of designs for a coinage decimaL 

That local taxation he '11 settle, 

On a scheme cheap, pleasant, and stable j 
And plense both pot and kettle, 

Freeing Beer and Breakfast-table. 

What he 'U pay off old Tory arrearage, 
At Yoting Oxford'8 bran-newest all 

Take skittlo-balls of our Peerage, 
And Allotments of our Commons : 

Bring febout reconciliation 

Of Capital and Labour, 
And — mystery phts qtiam Asian !— 

Make each man love Ma neighbour. 

In short, when the future I ganj^ 
All in brightness seems to swim. 

For if he have, at length, oome of age, 
What an age should, at last, oome of him 

Educational mystery-monger I 

Marvellous medicmo'man ! 
We bum, we are thirsty, we hunger. 

For the lucky-bag, pregnant of plani 

Crammed with the eggs of amazement, 
Warm from the nest of the mare — 

Who would know all by that phrase meant^ 
When those ogga hatch, should be tliero 

•"Lurch," to rob dyjv; ^*He lunhad 

BWordi o' the garland. '*^GnrM>^fK«u. 
t ♦♦ CftuouM*" ft " preliminjiry party nwcting / 





Tbtbc tre probably Tcry few membera of that generally bread- 
•zul'bQtter-exitiiif; community, the British Public, who hay© not 
frequc«Dtly partaken, without knowing it. of the article described in 
tbe followintr extract from a letter of tne Morning Pasfs Corre- 
fpondent at Paris i — 

** Butter, like all oHnientarj sulsctmnce*, baa Ttitly increnied in price. An 
•nterpriiitiK merchAnt exhibtte what he calU ^ Prodoit Douveau* Manrarine 
Mooniw, mnplaqant le beurre pour la cuiiinc. Ecoaomle iDCont«atahle aur 
le beurre; il oolite moiti^ moina cbcr» ei on 


. ., . en Die moitie moina,' 

butter ia made from the fat of beef, and costa IQd. per pound." 

In merry Enf^Iand, however^ this article does not merely replace 
Butter for the kitchen, but also for the breakfast -parlour, where it 
i» eaten* not under the name of Margarine^ in bread-and-morgarine, 
l>ut that of Butter, in bread-and-butter. It in bought for Butter, 
^d it ia iuld for Butter ; only the buyer believes it to be what it ia 
•old fyr, whereas the seller well knows that it ia a product of beef- 
•uel ; »nd he Mxret Ma outlomer with the latter commodity at the 
Jirioe of the fonner. The **enterpri»in^ merchant^- of Paris, who 
atUa Margarine as a substitute for Butt^^r^ and does not sell his 
ciuitimiers bv selling it as Butter, and at Butter*s valuej has very 
Ekalf founa honesty to be the best policy. That jjolicy might, 
p<Brha|;»a, bo adopted with advantage by an enterprising Britian 

A City Feast* 

Wi readi with f eelingt which it ia hardlv possible to iMmoeive, and 
iitofrethvr impossible to describe, that a festival given at the 
LcindpD Tavern by the Weavers' Cunipony was made, or became the 
oecaaiiin, of a aomewhat imposing ConaeTvative demonstration.*^ 
Xho Weavers, no duubt, felt that the great event was at hand 
wluoh the li^aer of the Conaeirative party long ago saw ** looming ^^ 
n the future. 

SwTET WiLUAH, did yon ever fish 

For trout with mimic dies ? 
The British nation, as jou wisb. 

Does not appear to nm, 
Tis clear you ve failed to imitate 

The genuine insect, ouite ; 
You ' ve taken nothing by your bait : 

The people would not oite. 

No doubt that Income-tax repeal 

Had been a taking fly, 
If you had manaffeoL to conceal 

The naked hoox thereby. 
But what would Income-tax replace ? 

You did not mention that. 
How oould you hope, in such a otae» 

You 'd even hook a tlat ? 

The tax on income is blaok-mail, 

Laid on the payer's purse, 
He fean he little would avBil 

II you imposed a worse* 
He thinks there was an after-tbought 

Wnieb underlay tout plan, 
You should bave told it» to have caught 

Tbat much defrauded man* 

From the Far Wett, 

We read the other day, In an American newspaper, an account ol 
how a lot of Cattle, seized by a sudden impulse, leapt upon a Railway 
just OS a train was passing. The writer might have added, had be 
thought over the matter, that the impulse which seized them waa a 
Ut of Cattleleptsy. 





[Febbuabt 21, 1674 


EEHAPS, Gentlemen 
of tilt Sliamblei, 
tlw3 following item 
of mtelligenee, ex- 
trftoted from a 
new»i»«prj will be 
interestrng to all of 
you; Bud it will 
ionbtleBi afford to 
some a warniiig r^— 

" Hkavt Fnrm tor 

Ml AT.— At the Tcrtni 
Hall, Sheffield, ti!«- 
terday, W illiak Kix,- 
VET WB« fined £100 
far oSerixig ffir «L!e the 
C9jncft«a of a pi|, the 
Euae being unit fot 
human food." 

Hinee, yoti as©, 
Otntlemen, that the 
attempt to flcll bad 
meat renders a 
liable to a penaltj 
BO heayy, tbat he 
wbo incurs it by 
offering for sale 
tdbtod or disMB^ pork zoif Bnd tbat he has dfiyea his pigs to & 


fM 'Sf^etM IMmian Ode, l^ Punches o#n Pmdmr.) 

^I!idtt mcm'the, t^d kncn^, bare fntt 
l&ne I^CH want bst 

The glories and the shames 

Of Britain's Istlimiaii Games, 

And painted, neck and neck, 

Whita with the foam- wreathes fieok. 

The steeds tbit swept the obariots along, 

Of Dizzy Sphinx-like, and of GiJUwrroifE Btrongi 

How, once again, be sues 

The Epinikiaa Mnse 

To gmde the penoil, and to point the pen, 

Tbat paints tbe eondiet of these mighty men. 

Kow for five years the piny* crown 

Hatb shadowed GLinsTONE'3 frown ; 

And wbo of men can say, 

But be that, tbroogb the burden of the day, 

That garland's spiky twine, 

Keen needles of the pine. 

Hath round his temples worn, 

How. like a crown of thorn 

The bright but bitter bongh 

Can into fnirowia fret the brow 

^at its contested diadem bath borne F 

Lo, now we hear, again. 

The rival chariots thunder o'er the plain ; 

Again, the same strong ohariot«ers beholdi 

With loose hair and tense rein, 

Aud thews' and sinews' strain, 

Behind their rival steeds, on smoking axles rolled I 

But " Peace " and *' Progresi^' ore not now the Dsjnes 

That GLADSTOifE^s team of harnessed coursers claims ; 

I read, instead, branded upon their bajcks, 

** Economy," ** Repeal of Income-tax ; " 

While " BuDg" and *' Bunkum," still to Dizzy dear, 

Bcarce altered^ reappear 

In the euphomous pair " Our Biblea " and " Our Beer,*^ 

A team that works, in concert , side by Bide, 

Mangra Htrange contrasts in such names implied* 

Budden the challenge to ^e race was given, 
lAunehed like Jtnre s bolt out of a douldlew heaven ; 
And scarce was time the obaiiota to prepare, 
To have the hame«6 yare, 

* A garland of piniQ wis th« prise of the wimier In the IsUunkn Guaei. 

Steeds featly groomed, and bitted fair, 

When rose the cry, " They're off ! " — and off they were 1 

And then was seen, *spite of friends* favouring cheers, 

Ho^ work of five long years, 

Upon the stoutest charioteer will tell ; 

And most on him, wbo, in each race, 

Had joyed to force the pace. 

And ur^e his steeds not wisely but too well» 

While Dizzv, with his team well in command. 

Hath held bis patient hand. 

Nor thrui^t it forward, with more law, 

Than backward he could dra^, 

Kor, lor speed risking smash. 

E'er overplied the lash, 

Nor, with too eager pole, 

Pressed for the goal i 

See him creep np and on, 

Ere the first mile they *ve gone,— 

Neck aud neck, head and head, and nose to nose, — 

Tili, nose in front, then head. 

Then neck, then quarters, lea ; 

But as ahead be dashed. 

Chariot with chariot clashed, 

As with a dextrous twist 

Of reiriEi and writil^ 

The sharper charioteer the stronger caught. 

And, hurled out of the course to grief behold him brought I 

And 146 w, grim GLAneroms, queered and cleared, 

In front the Spbin^c-Uke Dmx hath appeared, 

And ever, ^itn wich length, 

Growing in f^kill and strength, 

Further atid fxirther still aheail he shows ! 

While^ dropping stiO behind. 

In t^ttiper touched, and Wind, 

teaunt GtADBToiTB, n^'er 8*0 giliant though he be, 

With a protesting frcwn 

"The proud if painful crown, 

Wrenohed from his brow--his rival^s prize — mtiflt see I 

And, cheeked and checking, second at the post, 

Must own the race is lost — 

The race, not always to the strong — 

Lost with the crown tbat may be worn too long * 


BctttStQ at a pic-nic on a little mound of earth, which in your 
Bhort*sightedness you choose as most convenient for a seat, aud 
discover, when too late, is in reality an ant's nest. 

Sitting with your legs cramped on the knife-board of an pmnibna, 
while your two neighbours' two umbrellas are both dripping down 

Sitting (reverentially, if possible) at church, in front of some 
spoUt children who examine Tour back hair. 

Sitting on a costly pair of Chelsea china Hgures^ which, for safety 
sake, you put in tout coat-pocket rather than allow them to m 
packed and carried to 5^011 r liouse. 

Sitting at yoiir case in the enjoyment of a snooze, while the tFam 
stops at the station at which you should get out. 

Sitting for three-quarters of an hour after the ladies have retired, 
in order to hear sknjry stories, or talk politics or shop. 

Sitting on your wife^a pet pussy-cat or pug-dog, which in the 
dusk has not been noticed asleep in your arm-chair. 

Bitting en a bag of grapes, or plums, or apricots, or peaches, whick 
you are bringing nome from Covent Garden in a cab. 

Sitting in the stall b {where you go to see ^ood aoting) just behiiid 
a lot of ladies, dressed in the height of fashion, with their back hair 
decked with tlowcrs, and with ribbons in profuMon piled up in a 
pyramid on the tip-top of their head a. 

Sitting on a ijair of stockings which your wife, good soul, waa 
darning, and which she hid so hurriedly (with her needle sticking 
in them) underneath the anti-macossar, when visitors disturbiNl her 
in the afternoon. 

A Contrary Wind. 

Ozr Candlemas Day the sky was don ; 
One general clcud concealed the sun ; 
And Winter ought, says the ancient rhyme, 
To have most of it gone at Christmas time. 
Whereas there was frost, a great deal more, 
After the festival than before. 
Acoordinglsr, this year. Winter's flaw 
Blew rignt in the teeth of that old saw. 

PEETING. 1874. 


Febbuabt 21, 1874.] 




The Horse at the Front Oate — On View — Mr, Jarvis^Digreesione 
and Notes— Interview proceeding. 

BANKLT, I don't ^vmder at 
there being a crowd to see 
this horse. 

To bee^ with, it isn't a 
horse— that is, I mean it 's 
a cob. 

Its head ap^an to me 
to bo too large for its neck, 
and, as it stands still, it 
has a way of moving its 
ears unevenly, on a sort of 
principle, which suggests 
interior mechanism (it 
being what you'd expect 
in a toy, with strings, some 
^Tires, and a musical 
baker's cart behind), and 
inspires mistrust. 

The animal's neck, too, 
tracing him thus back- 
wards, seems to my eye to 
be indented, though, -per- 
haps, on reflection, this 
effect is simply due to the 
mane having been cut by 
an inexpenenoed hand.. 
A.S to the hair of this mane, 
I nevBT saw an3rthing so 
nistv-lookinfl:, dry, and titftMjr. Reverting to the t6y, if the iniiie 
had Deen nailed on careleeahrt it eedNbi't have lo6ked worse. 

Carrjring my eye aleng mm AoiWttWvrds— we are all examining 
him now, as my Aunt has dMiePMa^MfrMii her fly. and I have intro- 
duced her to luu and Mbs. Pnuuarent, but have been totally unable 
to introduce the reat of the party, whose names I haHni't been able 

to catch 

[Hapjrg Thottght.—^* Who shall be nameless." This seems to be 
a quotation out of something, occurring to me at the moment. Make 
a note of it, and look it out afterwards.] 

and to whom, therefore, my Aunt inclines herself somewhat 


The person who has brought this animal '* for me to see " is a tall 
man with a short body, and such very long jerky sort of le^, as to 
have the appearance of being only loosely attached to his waist, per- 
haps supported to the division line in the old-fashioned way in which 
a school-boy's lower half used to be fastened, with evident buttons all 
roond^ to hisjipperhalf. It is not a division of halves in this man's 


e : : leas : 

One-fifth (body) - whole {legs), 
This might be called a sum m anatomy. [Note it down and see if 
something systematic and soientiflc can't be got out of it when I 've 

Mb. Jabvis's legs— Jaevis, he informs me is his name, and I see 
no reason, judging from his personal appearance, to doubt him, no 
more than I do his statement that ho is landlord of the Wig and 

Chicken in the next village— Mb Jabvis's Legs 

[Capital title for Christmas Number of a Serial. Mr, Jarvis's Leas, 
Subject to be divided into His Stockings, his Boots, his Slippers, his 
Pantaloons, and so forth by popular authors, every story sensational, 
with a picture of Mb. Jabvis's legs on the eoset— (Happy Thought) 
— ^write to Popgood AifD Gboolly, Publishers, and propose it] 

Mb. Jabvis's legs are obtrusive and kick out, independent, I am 
convinced, of the Jabvis above, who has nothing to do with them ; 
in fact, his head 's too far off, and too far back, to trouble itself 
about looking after such mundane matters as feet and legs ; and, as 
he advances towards me, legs iirst, he realises just half the notion 
of Old Joe's action in the once jwpular nigger ballad where he (Ole 
Joe) was described as "kicking up ahind and afore." Mb. Jabvis 
kicks up "afore." 

Ue wears a gay-looking straw-hat, after a rather nautical fashion. 
In fact^ taking merely his head, whiskers, and hat, and seeing just 
so muon of him as would be visible in bed if he had a bad cold and 
were obliged to keep his shoulders covered, I should say, " This 
man is a sailor." 

Bringing him a little way out of bed, convalescent, and making 
him sit up with his check coat on, I should say, " This man is a 

But producing him, entirely, with the independent legs in tight 
trousers, and ending iu long-toed boots, I should say, " This man 

has a betting-book in his pocket, and he knows more than meets the 
eye about two to one, bar one," 

Summing him up altogether, I am inclined to regard Mb. Jakvib 
with suspicion. But by this time I should regard any one who came 
Iq sell me a horse, even my own Orandf ather, with suspicion. 

By the way, talking of my Grandfather, I 'm not snre that he 
wouldn't have done me, if he had had the chance, though I venerate | 
his memory. I have a reason for saying this, A man once said, in > 
my hearing, "Ah. Old So-and-SoI I remember him! He wu a ; 
rum customer, ana a regular wicked old sinner." | 

"Sir!" said I, warmly, "you are talking of my Grand&tliisr. | 
Prove your statement. Sir, or " 

Well, he did prove his statement ; at least, he told me such a 
story 01 my Grandfather's conduct, on one particular occasion, as 
thrilled me with horror, and his facts were corroborated by a friend 
of his who was present. However, this is only a family anecdote, 
and only mentioned here to show tnat you cairt always trust even 
your own Grandfather. 

Hanpy Thought,— ^\ii^ if you could, whv should there be jm 
actual practical prohibition in the Prayer Book aKiinst the enanoftlty 
i >f marrying your Grandfather P If the oompSers of that exottttat 
devotional work had not contemplated (perhaps from eiq^erienoe) 
the wickedness of a sly old Gbtinafather (GrafuffiMier DmJmin'— 
BoTt of name for a Pantomime), they would never li&ve fluied Mch 
a prohibition on record. 

But to proceed. The above being merely notes, Aiade (sairfng Mb. 
Jabvis's presence and the crowd) while they think I im taking 
down Mb. J.'s address and the points of the hone. 

Now then. 

"There's a little 'orse," Mb. Jabyeb coxdmemes, "as yen \nm't 
often see." 

No; once is enough. But I keep this to mjrself. my Aunt, 
FuixnrQXB, and party all attention. They think I 'm fgmg to'be 
taken in by Jiavfe. 

I brace myself for the encounter. I 'tefoar the pm swdfl Ltftte * Jkt^m 
for the defence : the Horse is the oriinfaial : viiitors 'tb» Jmj : oh>wd 
in the lane represents the publio in court. 

I commence by shaking my bead. 

This means, generally, that I don't like the animaL taken as an 
animal altogether ; though of course I don't know how ne 'd suit me 
in parts. 

The next move is M^. Jabvis's. 


It is not often that, even amount the worst accounts from Ire- 
laud, we meet with any report, suon as the following, of an— 

" Attempt to Upsbt a Train.— Aa attempt to upset a train was made 
hut night near Limerick. Some maUcious person placed an iron g;ate and 
^ame wooden fences, brought from an adjoinmg estate, across the rials : but 
the engine-driver, feeling the jerk, fortunately stopped the train before nana 
VI as done." 

In Ireland religious and political distinctions do not, as a rule, 
e?^tend to railway trains. The Irish character is exempt from the 
laint of abstract malignity. It is improbable that the train which 
mme exceptionally malicious person attempted to upset near 
Limerick was either a Protestant or Catholic train, or one distin- 
g^iushed by decorations of either orange or green. The subversive 
impulses of the Irish mind are generally exi)ended in endeavours to 
vipset the figurative train whose locomotive is the Imperial engine. 
A3 for the attempt above related, it was probably the act of some 
idiot, who, had he been placed in an asvlum, might there, bv cidti- 
vation, have had his intellectual faculties so far developea as to 
have enabled him to see more fun than that of trying to upset a 
railway train, in voting, at the time of a General Election, for a 
liome Bulcr. 


It is well, perhaps, that the Parliamentary Elections were mainly 
over by the 14th instant. Thereon there is supposed to take place 
iiTiother election, namely, the choice of mates by the cock-chamnch 
{FrinQilla capitis) and all the other winged bachelors asserted by 
tradition to be accustomed to pair with feathered spinsters on that 
QBuiversary. With the latter election, to be sure, tne former would 
not have interfered at all, but it might perhaps nave caused some 
hindrance to another, that by which, in imitation of the practice 
Lt^cribed to the plumed bii)eds, the plumeless creatures on two legs 
sire wont to celebrate St. Valentine*s Day. In this exercise of the 
elective franchise the rights of women are admitted, and the idea 
f liat thev are admissible once in four years onl^ is a popular error. 
We shall see, iKjrhaps, if a Conser\'ative Ministry will be liberal 
enough to extend female suffrage to the choice ot political Valen- 
i ines. 



[Fkbkuaiit 21, 1874. 











f' ^■ 


Hullo, Pythias ! What *fl thk Mattkr ? " 

0, MY UEAE Fellow, rvE— tut-t-t-t— "iOyttr<7oiuw*)— **I'vk been Writiuq to mt Tailor to oivb me Ajromxft 


[Bnak$ (hum / 


Every Morning. A Triplet of Thoughts for Every Day in the 
Year, A book lately published with this title has 8€t ua pondering 
the possibility of the numan intellect regularly originating' three 
fresh thoughts every morning for a whole year^-'-a total of 101>5 
thoughts, with three extra reliectiona fur Leap Year. On speoial 
oc^msiona, auoh a« birth-days, wedding-daTs, nolidays^ fine days, 
and rent-days, we can believe that the mina might be capable of so 
gigantic an effort; but on all ordinary days— and they are the 
majority in the lives of moat of us— it in to be feared that the medi- 
tations of the bulk of mankind would neither dazzle by their bril- 
lianoy nor bewilder by their profundity. 

We have tried the experiment for one week, in good health, fur- 
nished apartments, ana a tolerably quiet neighbourhood, and the 
result, carefully noted down each morning <» the eeveti, is now 
lying before us. It was not sufiiciently enoooraging to induce us to 
persevere in the practice* 

Sunday — 

Sunday morning ! How delightful ! I need not get up till ten. 

I hope it is not going to rain. 

I wonder whether the tailor sent my new coat home last night. 

Monday — 

Another week of work ! 

Ohui to see there is no fog this morning. 

I rappoae I must g«t up. 

TuMday — 

I wonder whether I have been called* 

By Jove, it only wants twenty minutes to nine I I must have 
ovurwlept mvself. 

How eoltl it is ! I hardly think I h%Te tune for a bath this 

Wednesday — 

I will not play Whist again in a hurry. 

What atrocious stuff that whiskey of pFDDicoMBB'a was ! 

How villanously that girl cleans the boots: I must speak ta 
Mr8. Pinicby. 

Thursday — 

What a row those confounded Cats did make in the night ! 

I wonder whether I shall hear from Cassiofexa this morning. 

How stupid of me to leave my slippers down-stairs ! 

Friday — 

I really must complain if that dog goes on barking in this wap 

It seems rather windy this morning : I hope it will dry the streets 

Five minutes more, and then / wUl get up. 


Rain again ! and I wanted to go to Croydon this afternoon to call 
on the Na^^jtbys. 

I know what I will do~take Casste and her cousin to the Eckdnc 

What a blessing I to-morrow is Sunday. 


pRTXCE BisiCABCK, whenever he expresses himaelf^ generally con- 
trives to be perspicuous, but the following passage in the speech he 
lately delivered at the opening of the Oennan ParUament may 
appear to present an exception to his usual lucidity : — 

^* The legal preicriptions which were adopted in fsrour of invaUds of (be 
army, immediattily after the war, have not supported iu evvry peint th« trial 
of experiments linoe mode.*' 

There are, perhapst some fools who Batter themselves that thc?v 
understand this statement, and* under thi^ir del um ion, maj reonarlc 
that the snooess of legal prescriptions adopted in favour ca invalids 
oould only have been expected bv auihi»htics who had appoiaiid 
Lawyers to perform the duties of Medical Men. It b really aftUmiiib- 
ing how obtuse some people are. 


Mr, Lutkfnifim PhUjtolu {proud o/hU/ortign eoM of e^funLmanee), •*Thkrb *b piuECiOTrs littli 


tofMmm, ojjfM OVER ntoM Fiu:nce tbaj^— ^0x5 a<io I '* 

J/f. (^i£^fifi0to% Smihy, " \u \ Bwoius the SxTRAmnoy Trsatf^ I Btrj'i»o«K f *" 

Obvious Aainiam. 
TiUE Iii7^k Siic%f.iif Mmithhj lieporUr reports that tKe Bible Society*? Committfi© **liave 
ImdftEiUHFian Bible specially bound for present^tioa to Her Imperial Highness the Abch- 
iioeuiw Majux ALrxAXDHOTKA, of Ilus«ift, on the occaaion of her mamn^.'* Several 
dookoya have^ of courfie, suggested that it was bound in Eussia* They have all brayed. 
It waa boimd m Engbuid. 


Tax lioeDied yietuollers axe gmtty elated at their sno^eaaful efforts on behalf of tlie 
CooMervative party. They are inoUnea to think no amall-beer of thenuelvee, on aooount 
of ikii display of public zeal, 

*' Ihz G&eax UirwAflfiSi),*^— Out Statues. 

RoBUB is a word for Oak. 

EobuT is a word for Tea 
Spirit ; which imnlies a jokei 

Mode with oak-leaves if it be, 

RobuT, worthy of the name, 
Anyone may make who wilL 

Take your aeoms, malt the samOi 
Mask, fermeat them, and distil. 

Will that prt^'^ " "">'^'^ ir.iT-if ' fjj 
So to milk. I telL 

What with Ts y/ 

What if broudy it tACfcl f 



T<»ld yoii how it biiouid be made* 


Among the many dozens of new ditties 
lately publifihed, we notice one beginning in 
aeentmiental manner^** Why I hve thce^ 
ii9h the Busv^y 

This seems just suoh a song as little 
Alice might expect to hear sunir to hCT in 
Wonderland^ where the roses, 11 appealed 
to, would be sure to make reply. But 
where, oat of a fairy tale, are rosea ever 
found to answer when one speaks to them f 
and although we may know something of 
the langmge of flowers, should we clearly 
understana them if they really made reply ? 
Patting sentiment aside, one would say 
the Bong is hardly 80 polite as one might 
think it. '* Ask the roses '* is at best an 
evasive sort of answer^ and, takm as an 
fotful shifting of the question, teema 
equivalent to the vulgar schoolboy pnraaa of 
**A8kmy eye!'* 

Change of Vowal. 

Lo, the Conservatives annex 
Another seat in Middlesex ! 
They ahoat^lated, cock-a-whoop, 
HooraT lor UAiciLTQif and CooFsf 
In Middlesex ^twas onoe a thing 
Ever, of course, to vote for Bnro ; 
But now the votes of old and young 
Are polled upon behalf of BUKO. 

Xitoraiy Scboeft. 

Wb see a new book adverti^edi caOod Six 
W09kM in tka Saddle, Thia^ it has been 
mmoored in some literary oirclea. wiU ho 
followed before long hj A Fortnight on ih^i 
Coach'Bo^^ and tnere are whiraieri ol a 
sequol, oalled A Mvnth after the Mridtd. 

Dangerous Sympathy. 

The brewinff interest will be potent in 
the new Parliament. Protestant Kloetora 
be on the alert ! There must be no loan- 
ing shown by your representatives to the 

Middlesex to Wit. 

Ms. CooPE was not far below LoED 
G£o&oE Hamxiton on the i>oll— this shows 
the advantage of coope-ration. The new 
House will be singularlv oonstitated. 
Clergymen are, of course, always exoluded 
from that assembly, but this t.Nx&& ^^.^«'^^ 
not contain ^£s%Tk ctQfe\iSS)aJhs:^<. 



ded ^ 




[Febhuart 21, 187i. 


OST certainly a 
oontmnauoe of 
that aaoent in 
moral and intel- 
lectual develop- 
ment, the com* 
meiicement of 
whicti was indi- 
cated the other 
day in the capital 
of France by the 
phenomenon of 
actual attention 
to some p*?rfi>r- 
mancea of HaH^ 
TEL^s muaic, on 
the part of audi- 
ences who really 
found Ihemselves 
very considerably 
pleaaed with what 
they heard, is 
evidenced in the 
following^ mei9* 
sage whtch ar- 
rived by the 
Wheatfltoae wire 
from — 

**Tbe Court of Aa- 
iueitlC«lim hire condemned FAmca Sotfnca, wbo ktely ibot PatKca Ghika in a due^ 
ta four jmi*' i£a[»risoiiiueut, and hJi two ftecoudi, and t^ote of Fain cm QuiK^ to two 
Teui* impriiomueat." 

The leriooB enforcement of the laws against dnellingfi thna commenoed, 

clearly betokena an T^i^wi:^ step in that ladder en t^einjr 
on wnone lower round tt^ads the savage, or twings, il 
you prefer to think eoj the authropsid ape* To minds 
disposed to take pessimist views of tlie fntnre of FranoOi 
this indication is triJy ** cheering,'* There is now hope 
that Frenchmen are beginning to diseover the essential 
brutality of duellinif^ and that of dueUmg not only as 
rt'g-arded hy the sentiments^ but also as estimated by the 
inttflleetua! facultiea^ which Hkewige distinguish men 
from brut^a* Let us remember^ however^ that our fore- 
fathers, at a time within man's memory, were, with 
respect to an *' affair of honour," no more nnmau, eith^ 
m point of feeling or intelligence^ than our contem^mries 
and nt*igh boars across the Channel have been hitherto. 
Society in England, not very many years ago^ was so 
stupid as well us so iniquitous as to require that whoso- 
ever had received a grave insult ^ though merely verbal, 
should, on pain of infamy, vindicata nis reputation hy 
inviting the author of the afiront to a combat, in whion 
he who had offered him an indignity would hare at least 
an even chance of also killing hun* 

The necessity thus imposed on every ^ntleman enabled 
any genteel blackguard, who might wish to murder him, 
to force him to allow him on optKtrtunity of m&kinf Iha 
attempt, at the risk only of the hlackguard'a own imth* 
less life* For that purpose^ the blaokgnard needfid do 
nothing more than brandish a whip in the gentleman's 
face, or give him the lie. This prepoaterons atroeity of 
social law haa been obsolete in England for about these 
thirty years* It is only just now that things arei, as 
above mstanoed, beginuing to be managed better in 
France^ But they have now, at last, begun ; and the 
French, io long celebrated as a logical people, appear to 
he in a way to thow some cause why they should be so 
styled, in so far as they seem to be getting, at length, to 
understand the logic of duelling. 


WA^mn, as Companion to a Single lady of aristo<n^tio con- 
nections, refined mannen, and elegant tastes, a Grey Parrot, young 
and handsome, with a copious vocabulary and some knowledge of 
French. The bird must always have resided in county families, 
and be prepared with a written guarantee that it hafi never been 
known to utter a word which could offend the most fastidious ear, 
A comfortable home, and no Cats, Price no object^ but the suc- 
eessfnl candidate will he required to come a month on trial. Call, 
with, the bird, on Miss Turyi^r, 10, Telemaohus Terrace, W., the 
first Wednesday in April, 

A. Professed Cook is open to an appointment in the household of a 
Nobleman or Gentleman, residing at least four months in the year 
in the West End of London. She has been habituated to the ser- 
vices of two female Kitchen attendants, and could not undertake to 
supply breakfast at an earlier hour than 10'30 A*x, She would 
have no objection to appear in the drawing-room or housekeeper's 
apartment every monung, to take instructions as to the neeessary 
arrangements for luncheon and dinner for the family, but she could 
not engage to prepare servants^ meals* Saturday afternoon and 
Sunday evening to oe at her own disposal, together with one njght 
in the week for visiting or receiving her friends. Vacations— a 
month in the Summer^ a fortnight at Christmas, and a week either 
at Easter or Whitsuntide, The question of pecuniary compensation 
can he discussed in a personal interview, and the advertiser wtU be 
happy to call on any lady, by appomtment, after luncheon, for that 

furpo«e, letters eddressed to Mise F. S, G^ oare of Ma* C* Kale, 
'urveyor of Garden Produce, 106, Mirabel Btreeit, N,, wUl receive 
due attention, 

lad Wanted. He must he quick as lightning, sharp as a needle, 
still as a mouse, close as wax, and honest as the day* As the 
Advefttser has an in%'iQoibte objection to the sound of sneezing, no 
boy liable to a cold in the head need apply.— 0, D< D,, 1, Great 
CmnmsToe Street, E,C, 

Wanted, hy a Single Gentleman, respectable apartments La a 
quiet house, in a quiet street, within sight of the Monument, 
There must he no smoke either from the CDimneys or tobacco ; no 
musioal instrumenta i no cats, dogs, birds, children, or other domes- 
tic pets ] and the average length of service attained by the last four 
servants should he at least three months. The house must have a 
south- we^t aspect, and not he overlooked either in front or behind, 
and he within a convenient distance of a pillar- bo^i^ a drinking 
fountain, a ncwsvendor's, a literary Institution, a Fire Brigade 
^tion^ and a bowling-green. The Advertiser, who is nervous, 
Idgety, eootntrie^ imtanle, very difficult to please, and unable to 

bear the slightest noise without giving immediate notice to qnit, ia 
leaving bin present lodgings because the stairs creak, and thft 
servant let two dishes fall on the kitchen Hoot within one week. Ta 
prevent unnecessary applications^ it in as well also to mention that 
in the rooms he previously occupied the contiguity of a water -^ butt 
to his bedroom wall proved an insupportable irritation. Address, 
stating terms, which must not exceed lis, a week (all extras in- 
oluded), **Peculiar,^^ Post Office, Finktrip, Essex. 

Wanted, a large quantity of Second-hand Wooden Legs. Apply 
** with the legs in brown hollond cases, between six and seveOf 
at 445, Cripplegftte, E.C. 

A Widower, whose Ever has been affected hy a protracted resi- 
dence in tropical oountries, requires the services of an active, aceom- 
Slished, energetic lady to superintend the education of his four 
aughters, whose most prominent characteristic is the lingo veimahle 
violence of their tempers; and to undertake the monaf^ment nf 
three self-willed old servants. She must possess a cheerful dispoci- 
tion and perfect temper, have uo relations within fifty miles, and be 
akUful at all games of thirds* A peraooal interview is indispeni^hlft, 
hut as a necessary preliminary an untouchi'd carte should be for- 
warded to NicnoLaB Tiffin, Esa*» Chntneypore Housoi Weit 

Wanted, by a General Agent, a Menagerie, an Orchestra, a Cargp 
of Caviare* on Iron Church, a second-hand Balloon, a pair of BmSk 
Swaus, a White Elephant, a Tortoisesheli Tom-cat, several Acres of 
Ground suitable for building purposes in the immediate neighbour- 
hood of Hyde Park, a Diamond Mine^ a pair of Silver Snuffers, an 
Organ, a i|uaBtity of old Bell-ropes^ and fifty General Servants who 
know their work-^and their pla<^* A£P^y (with samples) to 
A. Y. Z., Intemational Hotel, Upper Ten Thonsand Street, S, W. 

Advice to an Amphitryon. 
By an txptrmtefd Hintf'Omt. 

At yo^ir hanqnets never allow the Wives to sit opposite their 
HusbandM. Not only flirting (ku., fun) is rendered utterly imprac- 
ticable tinder sufh conditions, but there is a Gorgonism in each 
other's eyes which petriJies their tongues when they catch sight of 
one another. Let every Wife he seated on the same side as her 
Husband, and as far from him as possible i then, although it nay be 
mostly carried on in undertones, you will never find the eon ven^ion 
for a dngle moment cease. 


New DiriKmon of a TAP-n<H)u«^A place n-hei^ Spintoiliiti 




It will be recollected that, whilat the French troopfi 
were occupying the present capit^il of Italy, M. RorniER, 
Imptrialist Mmiftter, declaretl that Italy should g-o to 
Uvmi^'' Jamais !^^ M* Jamais has now publiahed a 
letter in the Ami de rOrdre, rt commending the Bona- 
partists to bide their time during MabkhalMacMaHox's 
seven yeara, at the end of which M. Jamais tlunks it will 
arrive. Accordingly, M. Jamais predicts that— 

**Thc intermediate rtffime will nevor dare to mt'ct the Ti»rJict 
of ■ ^ When universal eufFrage ia called upon, I iim 

coi itizcn cii4»4, cured of itt extraragaQCCi Tthe grcot 

nmj ... LjL' elector*), *ill be in accord to n^-establUh wliat 
Lhe insurrection of Paris broke to pieces.'* 

M, JAiiAis may possiblv prove a truer prophet for the 
Bi»iiapartc dynasty than he did for the rapacy. There 
is no knowing what seven years may bring forth, espe- 
cially in France : and the prophecy that, one of the^e 
days, there will be a NapoleuN xai; Fouhtii, may bj-- 
and-by be fultilled, notwithstanding that at present 
it can hardly bo mentioned without provoking the 
exclamation— ** /(fi»wn> / " 

Ghatmel losular Oovemment. 

The V 

bench u: 

i Uriah, i 

Mnnounces that n 
1- been filled by 

^ ial 


Jfost, " JtJST A2J0THEK WEK DrAF *P0IIK TOU 00- " 

OuCMi, •' Ka, KA, a'LL tail* KAK MAIB ! I'M IN A SEW LODODJ', AND I 'M 

up to about twelve months ago, harWur-ma^ter at St. 
Hflier's. According to our Conservative conteinporary, 
** Judges in the inland of Jersey are apix»i] ' ' ut 
any regard to their special aptitude for the i tut 

important i)osition oy reajsoa ot any legi.t> ^ii .,w^Jge 
they possess.*' The Judges* derive their oUice from the 
Sovereign People^ who elect them. No doubt thev do 
indiilerently aamlni^te^ j[u8tic«, Thus much for Ilome 
Rule in Jersey, Who imagines that it wouldn*t do 
equal wonders for Ireland ? 

One of the quietest places in Ireland is Clomna^mdse. 
You wouldn't have thought it. 



THrnE liefl a Oovernmentt from eare and strife, 
Where now at last its members And release. 

They should enjoy reiwse ; for, e'en in life, 
As everybody knew, their end was peace. 

Peace they so loved, that, though to pay for aught 
Above all woes they deemed affliction sore, 

High was the price at which that peace was bought ; 
And may it, in the end, not cost ns more ! 

To one sfupreme intent their minds they gave ; 

They made economy their sovereign good. 
Their chiefest purpose was expense to save, 

And ahow aa largo a surplus as they coulo. 

ThsM all-important object to obtain, 

On smaUeat means that offered they would seize, 
And all their ener^et were wont to strain, 

With view to akin & flint or pare a cheese. 

Henoe, in all humbler service of the State, 
Retrenchment without mercy they pursued. 

Thus hard dismissalt and the paup^^s fate, 
Unhappy olerks and dockyard workmen rued. 

Mem cored not for the glory of the earth, 

Th ^ ^ ^^ V^ ' -" .. . h . -. , , M . < 1 T. I ouching public land 
Wa .^ money's worth. 

W: . ag Forest stand P 

Ah. what avail economies none feel 
But those they pinch ! Alas, what sigtnfiea 

A jdffht of good you 've done the commonweal 
Wlien inaividuab all denounce your eyes f 

rbey •oeriEced the Irish Church, intent 
On juatioe ; loyal Iriendi they rendered cool ; 

Redressed a wrong which grieved a sentiment : 
And reaped reward in clamour for Home Rule. 

To all true liberals liberty ia dear. 

Restrictions for estrangement gave them cause. 
Why vex and anger them that love their beer 

By Sabbatarian sumptuary laws Y 

And some tliere were, in cynic sort that stood 
Against aU comers with a stiit to press ; 

To make things as unpleasant as they could 
They tried, and with what complete suoce^a ! 

But nothing, if not good, of them that rest !— 

A war they did against abuses wa^e. 
To do as they thought fit they did their best : 

And will have mode their mark on History s page. 


Very Kew Muiio. 

** Why I lore thee atk the iVbfr*," a Hebrew ballad. 
ir/iy I love thee atk the Mow», " 

** Melody for an Eldrrly Spimtcr^*^ a fantasia, 
oi^'Sotxgofthe Old BelC' 

By the Compoier 

*' Fout^ Aftemoofi ! »o IqU ! *^ Companion to ** One Morning I 
O $0 early !^ 

** There ^s nothing Itke Bitter Beer ! " A new Basa song. 

** Then You 7/ Ht^memher Me ! " Song addressed by an ex-M.P. 
to hia late constituents, in view of a future eleotion* 


Th^ celebrated problem of squaring the circle is by most people 
oonsidered to be utterly insoluble. Yet, aaauming that the pugQistio 
ring may be regarded as a circle, there are knowing onee who well 
know how to * aqufu'e - * it when they Uke. 

?gi« LXTl. 

>Sv^, ws^. 



[Fbbbuabt 28, 1874. 


hid to deal with English ICembert alone, he oonld 
pnlMihij not hare eren attempted any one of 
IhoM meamres; for altiiough the parties in 
BnriaBd were pretty erenly balanced, there was 
a uiffht OonaervatiTe majority. Hence in the 
late FatliameDt England was completely over- 
borne by the lesser Members of the Kingdom." 

Mr. Butt, and the rest of you. Gentle- 
men of Mr. Butt's party, allow hb to 
conmtulate you on the proapeot of Home- 
Rule— for England. 


ONDEHEXG uvtir the Otmservuth-e minority 
in Engknd, the otker day, the PoH 

" That lujijority U now m nrftrly ai* tout be one 
LundTcd jind fifteen. It U only wht?ii Scotland, 
WiiU'i^t uiif! Irelflnd arp thr^^n in that the majority 
Lft reduci'd io ab&ut flflj'-fowr,*' 

ComparisoijB are not nil odious to eTOiT- 
body ; and the PaH bna probably diB- 
pkased very few of i\n Wfadei's l>y comparing 
the present r&rliamtmt with itsprtfdF?ct»8or, 
in respect of parties, as followB : — 

Something About Dr. Beke. 

One of De. 6eke*b scientific attendants 
reached the summit of a mountain before 
the eminent Eastern explorer, who was 
somewhat out of breatti, conld arrive. 
The worthy and learned Doctor waa evi- 
dently annoyed, but forgave the man on 
aooount of his previous good charaoter, but 
remarked that, in case he should at any 
future time be had up in a police-court, 
he would not then be able to say that he 
had ''never beeti up before Ui Beke" 
Such is life in the East. 

Lines to a Toonff Iiftdy, 

Fair Dollt, who allows her akirt^ 
To trail behind her through the dirL 
Forpets the nickname that ^revuled 
Of Dorothy the Draggle-tailed. 


"Mr. Gladstonb's majority— by means of which he carried Buch colossal measures, affecting vitally 
for good or for evil the institutions of the countr}— was nut an English majonty. In fact, if he had 

" Talk about the slaughter of war! " said 
Major 0*Rourke. " Isn't it the pace that 


Still engaged with Mr, Jarvts about the Horse, 

There seems to me to be an air of depression about the cob. 
Perhaps he 's shv, and doesn't like being exhibited in the public road. 

Jarvis*s legs form an isosceles triangle (on their own account, he 
having nothing to do with it), his hands tnrust themselves (under 
Jarvis'b direction here, as being nearer the head) into his trowser 
pockets, so as to rumple up the waistcoat on each side, and Jarvis's 
head drops down towards the left shoulder, as though there were a 
strong wind blowing at his ri^ht ear. He looks critical : he looks 
knowing. In spite of his nautical straw hat, he has nothing what- 
ever of the sailor about him now. Even his whiskers, which, under 
another aspect, did convey something of the mariner to my mind, 
now suggest more of the iSarrister. 

Imagine at this moment Jarvis in a white wig and bands, and his 
photograph would do for ten out of fifteen barristers. He has no 
moustache ; and I do not believe in a Barrister with a moustache. 
I don't think that moustachios should be worn by either Barristers, 
Anglican Clergymen, or Milkmen. This, however, has nothing to 
do with horse-dealing. 

Feeling that it is his turn to move in the game, Jarvis says, 
repeating himself to begin with, 

^* Yes, you won't see such a little 'orse as that every day. Rcg'lar 
good plucked 'un." 

Happy Thought,^ A rcg'lar good ** plucked 'un" must mean that 
the animal has failed in passing a veterinary examination. 

As Jarvis wouldn't understand this joke, and as (besides Pul- 
LiiTOKR, who *8 a Clergyman, and mightn't like joking) there 's only 
one gentleman (the Equestrian Visitor) i)resentwno may, or may not. 
be up to it, I decide unon not risking it. Shall note it down, ana 
arrange it for one of otdxey Smitti s good things. Then people 
will say. " How witty ! so like him ! " 

The Tall Equestrian, who cannot possibly be interested in my 
being taken in and done for by Jarvis or any other horse-dealer, 
observes gratuitously, 

" Tes I he's not abad stamp of animal." 

Whereat the Ladies appear mterested. 

Now what does he mean by a " bad stamp " P If he were a bad 
stamp he wouldn't evidently be worth a pennj. But that he should 
be only " not a bad stamp'' doesn't seem to unphr that he is a good 
stamp, but is very nearly being a good stamp. It 's as if you said 

of a bottle of spurious JSati de Cologne, " Yes, that 's Eau de 
Colopnc, only it 's not Jean Maria Farina.''^ 

As the Equestrian Visitor appears to know something about the 
matter, and as Jarvis has at once seen (I catch his eye) the import- 
ance of enlisting such resi)ectable and unprejudiced evidence on his 
own side, I feel bound to ask the last speaker, ** What he means by 
that observation ? " 

** Well," he replies, "it's a good ser\'iceable beast. It's what I 
should call a gooa slave for the country." 

Oho I Then we 're not horse-dealing, we 're slave-dealing. 

I reply, ** Ah, I see what you mean," and I think I shall, presently. 

Mr. Jarvis seizes the opportunity. 

** Ah, he 's all that, and more. lie '11 do his thirteen mile an hour 
easy, ir a level country. I've taken him to Scragford, round b> 
Hilltield, and back, in a day, with a waggonette full." 

He takes for granted that we know the country. The Tall Eques- 
trian docs, or pretends to, and says, ** stiff work.'' 

" Nothing to him," returns Jarvis, jauntilv, as if he had dragged 
the waggonette full himself. (The Horse looks sleepily on. all tiie 
time, but, like the prisoner at an English Criminal tnaf, ** his mouth 
is closed," and Ipitvhim.) ** Nothing! Ho faces his hillB from 
first to last as though they were mole-heaps" 

*' P'raps," I interrupt, sharply, with a side-glance at my Aunt 
and the Ladies, **he'd stumble over mole-heaps.^' 

My Aunt, and the Ladies, don't enjoy my little fun, just thrown in 
as it were to lighten the entertainment. They are gniduBlly oominjg 
to admire the horse. They began by pitying him, because of his 
woebegone appearance ; then they pitied him more on hearing the 
account of the work he had done. The next step was to admire him 
as a hero, while compassionating him as an unoomplaining martyr, 
and, finally, they burst into singing his praises. 

*' He really is a pretty-looking creature," says my Aunt. 

" Onlv wants a little more care and attention than I can afford 
to give nim. Ma'am," says Mr. Jarvis, artfully. 

"Yes," says Mrs. Pullingkr to her husband. ** I think when we 
bought Luby for tho children, he wasn't a bit better-looking than 

" No dear," replies Pullinoer, " and he 's as handsome a pony- 
not quite the size of this— as I 've ever seen." 

(Ahem ! Does Pullinger wish me to buy Luby /I wonder P) 

The Lady in the Kiding-habit observes, " I think he would turn 
out very well." 

"Of course," observes my Equestrian Yisitor, "hell nerer be 


Febbwart 28, 1874.] 


«ihow)% But*' fto me) **you don't want a Park hack: you want 
something useful, for aouble work^ and up to your weight.'* 

NowA< ia at it. I've only known this gentleman half an hour, 
I 've not spoken to him three times, and yet, in a matter of horses, 
he pTofesaes to know exactly what / want* 

Ii anything oonld set m« ajainst buyinpf this horse on the spot, it 
i» thie remark of the F'Mi«^<<<-i^«Ti's, At the same time, 1 feel that 
what h© says is tru* >( want a Park hack, or rather a 

Park hack is not an i my exisUmce ; that is, I can do 

without one, though ii 1 could get one for the same price as a 
donkey, I would buy it ; becauHC, after all, if you are mminted at 
all, you may as well be mounted in first-rate style, i>tiLl I admit, 
that for the country, I do nof want a hai^k intendtd only tor the 
Park. Again, 1 ilo want ^ ivnrtlnng that 1 can both ride and drive, 

Now, eTidently, one 
and Tiext day riding, ^ 
Tir :i Park cii 

V thatiB» I 

can only jn i 
ance and i 

en you 

•car in the Park one day driving* 
the same horse. Besides, it would , 
I a Park groom. Now all these I 
iiem) if I could afford them. But I 
T, bke this Eauestrian Visitor, who 
!ie house, and by mv Aunt'i apijcar- | 
I don't want a Park hack, but 
eomething to do '^ double work/' and a really useful (not in anyway 
ornament ul) animal, it ia as if he had impertinently said, " \ou're 
a poor deviU with only an eighth of my income, and you can't 
show up in the Park, or go about in the seaaon : so you 'd better 

b»vp r. ],] t ,Ki^«r iT^ and a strong pony t^ jog aoout the country 

^K vpense of iiys, and, in a general way, avoid 

1. iiieb i»muontoo swellish and fashionable for 

your imaUd mcaui*, my boy." That 's how I translate his remarks ; 
and I *tt him down as a Snob. The sooner he gets on his own 
h). ' ' ' '^ ■- '\-' better I shall be pleased; and, what 

i , nor anv of his, again. 

^ out suddenly as a judge of hors€- 
tl with the corner of her apron, and 

I : A- (though if to anybody, it must be 

1 1 I respectful distance from 1 

a V, " Oh, ain^the a pretty 

rers, mole and female, aju^ i.^^.-^^ 
f! imlher, and seem to be generailf 

** You d bt-ttcr have him I " says Jiiivis, ijQ on oif*lvand manner, as 
thmitrh he were advising me clear against his own interest. *' You 
IS J i?h another chance." 

nterruittion to buMness arises from the visitors taking 
1 1 ■ u re . ru T J.I NG F. tt and hi 8 Ladies in the carriage ; and the 

] on their horses again. 

hou4jht.—T!o ask Pulled ger, just before he *b off, what he 
re&Iiy iittuk^ about this cob of JABVis's. 

**Ah!" he says, slily, "I never would advise a friend about 
a horse unless 1 knew the animal thoroughly, I bought one the 
other day for lifty, and sold him a WL^ck afterwards for twenty. 

The best judge may be deoeived. Get him on trial. I ahould be 
sorry to say * Buy him,* and then for you to turn round and say, 
* It was all through PuLLi.^OEii that! lost my money** 5o: you 
must decide for yourself." And they are away. 

Bitter rejtection as I r ' * '* * V -■ Where 

is the friend who wiU i 

really do require it ? W 

thoughts PpLLTNOiit has advised me to tAko the horse on trial. 
Query on what trial ? An hour ? Shall I detect his faults in 
ho\ir ^ or in a day f or in three days ? 

Ilnppty Thoui/ht. — Four days. Two in harness, and two in 

I return to Jarvis. ^! V / ind Doddrqxje still at the gat€. 
Crowd, a trifle thinned, the lane. 

Jarvis opens tire, ratlin i . singly. 

** Well, Sir, are you going to have mm f ** 

'* I don't know. 

He t'ontinut's: ** Wh* i 'i propCTly Wked after for a week 

or so, you '11 see how he ' . Quite a g« ntlcman'a cob ; look 

in better form, and be in utiitr lyttlc, too, than nine out of tcntliat 
fetch double his price, and ain't worth half it. You mav work him all 
day and all night, too, and he '11 always be the same, uay and Ught^- 
hearted, and never sick nor sorry from one jreoi's end to the other.'' 

Hnpm Thought. — What a cheerful disposition and what a coaLsti- 
tution! On the other hand I did not kkow that horsM were ever 
sick (£ 'tg seen 'em on board ship in boxes, and a bad ftea oil, and 

they *Te been n ■ ^ 
or sorry. W; 

Stay, tin 
EngUiih e i : 

My Auii 
feeding tfan 
my Aunt's 

once called for the itewafd), 

" for ? 

s probably using the old 



i rei?oIlecL it now—** A Sorry Jade.* 

Tit DoDDTtiDfiE in for some bread, and is now 

1 saying, **Pretty creature I'* quite affec- 

is watching her in strong admiration of 

,.,*.;> in going so near the horse's mouth. 

What annoys me is, that they are both (mistress and maid, united 
aR^es, amounting to— no matter—but they're old enough to know 
1 laying into Jar vis's hands, 
to the point without further delay. 
xiuw T- ^ ' you want for himi*'* 
Mr. J ^ > me sternly and resolute, 

**8ixt\ ' says he; '*not a penny less; and he'a weU 

worth ei j any day of the week." 

I am Twenty- five, or thirty, for a mild-looking, 

shaggy, uncarcd-lor4oc>king animal, with a dent in his neck, an 
overgrown head, large feet, and a ragged tail, would have been to 
my mind enough. 1 don't see where the Sixty ii in him. If he 's 
worth that, it is simply and solely on account of his cheerful tem- 
perament aod healthy "constitution* That is to say, he *» worth it 
inside. Judging from the outsidi\ I should say twenty pounds. 

Http^y Thouffht,—'' OniMe price," Twenty. ** Inside price'* 
(disposition and constitution), Forty. Total, Sixty. 
I pause. Now to ask about the trial. 


Y an eye-witneai — 
who seems, from 
what he sayb, to 
have been likewise 
an ear -witness — 
wo are told that at 
a banquet which 
Sir Arthur Guik- 
NESS gave last week 
to the Conserva- 
tives at Dublin — 

^'The tabl«s nre- 
Moated a most dazsung 
armyof mimirc piste, 
{uid groAned under 
every delicacy pro- 

The repoft of 
groaning tables 
tempts one to in- 
quire whether it is 
likely there were 
any spirits present. 
For some unfa- 
thomable reason, 
tables, of oil furni- 
ture, appear to be 
most oommonly 


I by the ipiriti. Table-turning, table-rapping, table-lifting, table- 
, oil tbeae are ways in which Uie intiuenoe of spirit! ii made tabularly 

manifest , Indeed, when Ilamkt cried, * * M y tables, meet 
it is I set it down," he may have been invoking some 
upiritual p:TiTnan*hip. Aa lor what oocurred the other 
night at I)ublin, who knows but the spirits of departed 
honiiranti^^ were actually present when the tables did 
their groaning? To think of how when in the flesh, 
a man had injured his digestion by indulging without 
stint in *' every delicacy procurable," must ne surely 

?uite enough to set his spirit groaning. Moreover, 
urther to rellect upon the dull and dismal oratory 
which every diner-out at public dinners has been borea 
by, cotild liardly fail to moke a table moan with piteous 
remembrance, when called upon to act as the moUMipieoe 
of his spirit. 

Unitreraity Inteliigence. 

The Oxford Crew rowed up to Simrlfnrd. This waa 
out of compliment to ^ ^ Merton 

man. There is some i i»fancw 

College, to be called the .>anaii»ra unU ;vu'n«)a Collcgei 
with Mr. Barhtc as Master* 


A^ advertisement reoammendinff a aaline medidne thus 
commences .—** ' I am out of healtn/ ia a oommon excla- 
mation." Is it oommon ? Do not people, geneiaUy, say, 
rather, ** I am out of aorta Y " 

" Tmm aVcfc."— The Wedding Ring. 






[Fbbruart 28, 187i- 



*♦ O, Mamma ! Such a Shame I You kno\^^ that lovely Valextix* that ilABoARrr Scott s%ht mi, and that 1 afteB' 

WA£0« SKUT TO MaRY WlLCOX t '* ** YkS ! WelL 1 " 

" Wbll, Maby Wilcox mustt have sent rr to Geace Babxet, for Gbagb Babnet has juar sent it back to me ! " 



L:eate luscious Tom MooitE to be warble tbe glories 

Of Pftrttdise bsired to his Peri forloTn — 
For bis Peri, ^ive Punch the great teftoher of Tories, 

And for Eden, long-forfeit, the Treasury bourne I 

In tbe Tom-Moorisb legend, tbe Peri ^twas given 

To tbe portttla of Piiradise access to win, 
When she brought there the (fift that was dearest to Heaven — 

The tear of a sinner bewailmg his sin. 

So BeXi Punches Peri, the key taUsmanio 
To the (rates of his Downing Street Eden mui»t find^ 

Through Protean changes, and labours TiUnia 
In teaching a olasj?, sore to learn disinclined. 

He hath digged for his key- stone— who knows in what diggingH ! 

For bis tiiliraiaTi diyed— in what depths, through what grief I 
Made Tories, bewildered, submit to wnat Whij^glngs ! 

Blown what bubbles prismatic ot speech, brignt as brief 1 

For the dumb has found words, wit for dull, wind for weary ; 

His brsini', time, and tongue to his party has given ; 
Has brought gilt after gift that be thought— patient Peri! — 

Might turn out the passport to Downing Street Heaven. 

First, picklock Protection he tried on the portal 

That bars Place's Eden to daring desire, 
When he brought from the battle to Com Duties mortal, 

The Bigh of a Peel, and the smile of a Squire* 

** The smile of a Squire ? " (juoth the Messenger Angel, 
Who does Peter's office at Downing Street door. 

** Smiled fdnoe Corn-Law repeal, ruin's certain evangel, 
Is preoious, no doubt, but we need something more, 

** Then the sigh of a Pjsel, from the smart of thy arrows- 
Barbed ever, oft poisonea, and levelled too low^ 

May prove how, at times, eagles suffer from sparrowSf 
But as passport to Paradise Place is no go.** 

Away flew the Peri, a fetterless rover 

O'er the wide -spread domain between Chaos and Crown, 
For Democracy's doctrine Protection flung over. 

And blithe, at the gate, Household Suffrage llung down. 

But ** No," quoth the Angel, **Eelo(rm Billa for pass-keys 
Can serve only those who nave faith in their power^ — 

As infallible Popes have believed in their Mass-^eys, — 
Not those who adopt them a a toys of the hour." 

Back again tlew the Peri, unwearied, undaunted, 
Of all erica swept the earth and thr "'- f-r and near, 

Then knocked at the gate— with ** A i what's ynXiU 

Triple Talisman— Ballot, and Bibl , rt •* 

The Messenger Angel bowed low— on their hinges 
The gat^s fiew back swiftly, constrained to obeji 

And the buit thing I saw, was the Peri's wing-frmgoa 
Into Treasury Paradise cleaving their way! 




Pontifical Troops. 
Continental affairs, a oontemporary onnoxmc^^ 

Coitiiderable agitation has been produced in 6«ritxerlsiid by the pabllcaK" 

tioQ of an Ultramontane pamphlet entitled An Appeal to ths 

Perhaps the ** Appeal" ostensibly directed to the '* Pioneen" 
in reality rather aaoressed to the nippers and MinerB* 


PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.— Febbuaky 28, 1874. 









FnmuAST 28, 1674.] 






^ (CV 






V uif J? 

i?c.sL to ynur 

lectiirea on I' ; * 

livertd partl> ^^a 

in 1810, iind ^jaiLiy at tlio Col- 
lege of Physicians in 1871, by 
1>R. Grr. Ihase discourses 
have just been mibli*»hed In a 
popular form. Da, Guy par- 
ticularly enlarges on the evil 
etfet'ts uf overcrowding, which, 
aa prevalent in workhouses, 
doriiLit<»ries, dweiling-houseSi 
and even hospitals, he de- 
nounces as one oi the chief causen of disease. Overcrowding, says Dn. Gut, **has been 
associated in every period of our history with the most deati-uotive pestilences"— which he 
names. "Overcrowding is fatal to all living beings," Yes; to all. Not only to soldiers, 



paupers, hospital-patients, and other tn* 
leribr persons. The yery orpum of ibo 
cream of fashionable son ft'. 

would do well to ponder Dk. igni- 

tion that :— 

**"We tire not nKIc to my how mntiy mm, 

EreeumM' )» r 

by ni'f' ■ , ^ ...-_-™ -,-. .. . j.,_ 

t' I cmfe t)i soidien — n girr ji 

111 ti time." 

Is not a staircase leading- to a dra wing- 
room, tt given narrow space which, not 
st^ldoro, at a crowded cvoning party, a 
number of Ladies and Gentlemen, iammtid 
together, are obli- ^ ♦ .. .,.^.,- 4 ^ .* i .^ 
a certain if not 

as to the ball-ri •■■•• : -, 

and gfentry are accustomtd to dauee till 
morning, are they not often vrry miioh 
overcrowded; ant'i ' , ■ ;_ 

crowd them on 1 1 i 

overcrowding, boU. .^.^-^ "i-* - -i , ^i* iwtf 
more, inasmuch as they turn the former 
into the latter ? 

A Bay*a Conflumption. 
Okr of our fir^t Statists has made the 
interesting: calculation that the pancakes 
consumed in Kugland and Wales, on Tues- 
day, the seventeenth inst*, would cover, if 
laid Hat on the groiuid, an area equal in 
extent to the Race '^Yur^e fit 10x>som, whilst 
the eggs used \v- uration of tliis 

popular dish, if ] 1 to end, would 

encircle the who]' « H- -? pie- 

pared to verify In i ran- 

tee fund can bertu <sary 



Tm Parliament is complete. Certain Scotch and Irigh Counties, 
which emerge from a modest obscurity on the recurrence of a General 
SloctioD, have at length contributed their oonirtitutional quota; and 
we now know how miiny Libprals have been returned to harass" 
our fe wsurviving vt i . ' ' t i tutions, how many Conservatives are 
burning to restore 3 Church and the krmy promotion by 

nurehase, and how Uu..x, ,*..aie-Rulers are determined to have a 
Mace, and a Sijenker, and a Keporters' Gallerj*, all to themselves, 
in tlie down- trodden City of Dublin, the capital of trampled 

A little closer analysis than the newspapers have attempted of the 

-■---,'-— f the new Hnuse, undertaken without any political 

no leaning either to one party or the other, will form j 

- — ., .1- luMon to the obaeryations we have thought it our duty i 
to make on the General Election of 1874, 

The House apnears to contain but few members of exalted rank or 

but whether this deficiency ia an evidence of the advance ' 

li' of democracy which is to sweep away all our remaining , 

^ and Palladiums^ is a question which must he left to ' 

It i I' t] ::ikers and far-seeing politicians to determine. Certainly! 

a ivt.igjiti a Laird, a Sheritf, and a Don, do not constitute a very i 

imf»osing array. On the other hand, the Working Classes are more 

numerously represented than has been generally supposed. To I 

prove this assertion, it is only necessary to point to a Cart er, a i 

Turner, several Taylors, a Bowyer, a Fletcher, a Potter, a FoiHister, ! 

three Arkwrights, two Certwrights, and a brace of Goldnmids, 

It never can be a full Huuse, for it possesses but one Tennant ; 
and the wisdom that comes with oge cannot fail to ^lide its deli- ' 
' is only a single Young member in its ranks^ — | 

is the more remarkable, because Walter, and 
i. ecu, mid jamts, and Isaac, and Henry, and Richard, and Dick, 
tud Charley have all got seats. 

The Zoological department is scanty. A Hogg, a Stecre, a Koe- 
baek, and a Wollf, claim a word of respectful recognition ; while a 
pair of Martin? and a Finch (nrit forgetting Cawley) must not be 
pMMd ov*' ition. 

Several utility will be found in the 

' Houittr — aiui^m^ni Luciij u iMiimi, a Boll, a Bell, a Bagge, and a 
Butt ; a Coope ; a Hood and a Tighe ; a Locke and Chaine, a Patten 
and two Davenports. A couple of Gardners with Raikes will be 
kept on the premises. Their oflioe will not be altogether a sinecnre, 

with Pease J Peel, Hay, Heeds, Cotton, and Cordea to occupy their 
attention night and day. 

The Country element is undoubtedly prominent. Brooks, Wells, 
Knowlea, and Beaches ; Hills and Mills, Caves and Crosses ; a Close, 
a Woodd, a Holt, a Heath, ami a Moore * a Dyke, a Torr, a Bourne, 
a FreshJield, and a Itussell, have all a pleasant sound even now in 
February, and will bo etill more agreeable in the hot debates of 

The accommodation will be ample and varied, comprising a Hord- 
castle and a Temple, Chambers and Villiers, Booths and a Wheel- 
honso. Every reasonable wish has been anticipated. Here you will 
encounter two Chaplins and a Monk ; there you will find Bass, and 
Allsopp, and Guinness, Lush, and a good supply of Cavendish. 
Dyott lias not been overlook en, and Cates and bait will be forth - 
coining. There are two or three descriptions ojf Cole in readiness, 
together with a Colman ; and Cotes and a Mackintosh are known to 
be already provided. Other attractions will consist jjf a Walker, a 
Horsman, a llyder, and an Estcourt ; Hunt and Scourfield ; Purt- 
man and Newport^ a Pennant and a Bannerman; Home and 
Smollett ; Bruce and Wallace, 

There are some striking personal characteristics. One Member is 
Round, another Thynne», one is Birley, another Broadley ; and, 
if you are not satisned with these, you have only to look aznoingst 
the Iri^h representatives to find a Biggor. 

A Fay and on Elphlnstone would seem to noint to constituencies 
which have hitherto been unrepresented ; Holland and French prove 
the oosmopolitan oharaoter oi our Legislature ; and Kensington, 
Norwood, Milbonk, and Bailey, remind us of scenes and places 
nearer home. 

Colours at elections are almost gone out of use, so that we are not 
surprised to find that the benches will only be enlivened by Brown, 
Gray, White, and Green. 

What measuree Mr. Disraeli may adopt wo are not Hardyenough 
to predict, but at present he can only point to a Cubitt, W© Wait 
to see. 

FinaUy, we are not without Hope in the future : there is Power 
in the new House ; we have still good Fellowes and Manners * we 
can turn to old friends of our youth in Gilpin and Hubbard ; a 
Bright presence will again be amongst ua ; we shall have Pell and 
Pelly and Melly, but not, we trust, pell-mell legislatir.n ; and while 
we are certain of Mocdnfi and Duff, we must leave it to time to 
reveal what oonstituenoieB have hod the mi^ortune to return duilers 
to the Imperial Parliament ox 1874. 




[Fkbruabt 28, 1874. 





McuUt {in, 
SaouLOfiRB i 

pedin^ new Eoru^ $int hoim last night), 
>ox't LiKr Hia F0RK-LEO8 ! "— (PatMf)- 

'H'm! Ua ! Don't likb him so well as I i>m Yesterday I 
-**1 BAr» Charley, do rou tbink it im the one I BoVQSTf ' 

Dok't tnut Bifl 



Look agliast mi the fate of the pompoua PuntechiiiooB, 

Chiongo and Bostoa to hlazea assig^ied ; 
Spite of Shaw imd Bteum- squirt b, see the Eames, without cli&ok, 
lick on, 

And the stoutest of ** fire-proof " to ashes caJcined. 

See the pillarfl, the beams, and the girders of iron, 
The trust of the builder, writhed, wrenched, warped awry, 

Till the stays that should hold what their framework eaviron, 
Fire-twiated, tear down all 'twas hoped they would tie, 

0| blind bre«ists of mortala I nor such the delusion 
Of the builders of struotures caUed ** fire-proof '* alone ; 

Wills of iron, in Cahineta set, work ooncluaion 
As fatal as g^irders of iron in stone* 

As T gaze on this ^haetly Fautechmcon ruin, 
Where the metal moat trusted has brought the wmll» low, 

I think of a Cabinet's recent undoing, 
Which the means used to strengthen have helped to over- 

Such a girder was Lowe ; such a pillar was Atbton, 
What a rending, and rivinp;, and wrenching were seeUf 

Engendered by iheir rigid strain, and unfair tone. 
Their reaistanoe too stubborn, their tension too keen, 

Nay, the tie-beam itself of the Cabinet buildinja', 
^ Had it shown but more equable force under £ame, 
Kot yielded, at times when the worst thing was yielding, 
Kor held out, when resistance to grief surely came. 

We had not now sighed o*er a Cabinet sunken 

From the zenith of power to the nadir of fall, 
On high hopes oollapsed, and on large proTniae shrunken, 

Disunion for union, and gloom oyer aU I 


SoiEE question has been raised about an alleged particular in the 
manners and customs of the natives of Bonny. 'Oiose negroes are 
asserted— and denied — to be anthropophagous. They were a short 
time ago at war with their neiffhbours of Calabar, whose habits 
doubtlefifl resemble their own, Ii the Bonnr laddies, as let us hope 
they may be caUed without offence to Sootenmen, are cannibaU, to 
likewise, doubtlcBs, are the Calabarians. It will perhaps be reool- 
lected that the Bonnv commandeT was a Chief named Ja-Ja^ and 
that the blacks of Calabar were led by a General whoee defUBnina- 
tion was Oko-Jumbo. Sujrpose Oko-Jumbo had been defeated and 
slain by Ja- Ja» would Ja- Ja have also eaten him ? If Ja- Ja, on the 
contrary, had faUen, would J A- J a have been eaten by Oko-Jxthbo ? 

Civilised and Christian nations conlino themselves to merely kill- 
ing one another. But it has been argued that our remote progeni- 
tors belonged to races accustomed to follow killing with eating. 
That human nature is capable of this practice, whether J a- J a and 
Ojto-JiTHBO are addicted to it or not, nobody denies, and there is no 
small reason to identify the Fiji with the Cannibal Islands, cele- 
brated in song. 

Ajithropophagy is chsracteristlo of a low grade in human derelop* 
ment, but is not that development distinctly human? Hare 
zoological sages any idea that the like of it distinguished the an- 
thropoid apes whom they claim for our common ancestors? AU 
monkeys at present known are strict vegetarians — as well as tee* 
totaUers, Sra Wilfeib Lawbon. Not even the GoriUa is so much 
as carnivorouSj although— see the gaping and grinning specimens of 
him in the Bntish Museum— his teeth look like a tiger's. Still less 
does Gorilla eat Gorilla, as there is too much reason to believe that 
Nigger eats Nigger. It is needless to refute the notion, originated, 
perhaps, by some ignorant showman of an itinerant menagerie, that 
the innocent Orang-outang ever does anything of the kind. 

Were the simious ancestors of Ojto-Ju|oo and J A- J A creatures 
that lived in trees, hung on to branches witn their hind-hands, luid 
lived upon fruit wluch they generally plucked with their fore : or 
used they to derour their enemies 01 their own species, and Lad 







*1S7A8 tht? battle of Pkaaey 

Immortalised CUTB. 
By the mnroh on CwmiasBiie 

"" '" '" ' - ! 1 ■ urvive. 

tLEY'a nama 
-..- .1 for aye; 

Bo diii , Q faja6 

Aby&innia^d campai^ 

•Inry ; 

jQ o'er* 
With tnu tiiiashing will tally 

iMivc in thi«» that Kiyc CcftES 
frtin to citiTt^ in ; 

T: ' * * "lie 

on cnui; 
-&nd duwu with the duat* 



Boh Lmgleif (with modf^it fervour), ** O, Jack ! ron x Woman*s Lovk I O foe a 

AKD TtU* ONI 8HE Lo\T:it 0>Tt ! *' 

LUiUJaek Honttr. ** Ah ! If you*d had As much or that KDn> of thwo ab / batz. 
Old Man, you *d bu pRBoiotra Tired of thk whole cojscekw ! *' 


Of Coatly Hul makiDg, 

For the saite of repute 

Which a&ked init+netJtioa ; 
And with no other fruit 

o tipet't^ that's worth mention. 


A NIECE of Mlis» MALAPtior, who is inst 
now going through noourse of mutheiiKiuc?, 
somewhat puzzled her good aunt the other 
day by asking ht^r whether it was proper» 
among the comie iiectionsi to maKO any 
allusion to the Puna Asinonun t 

ComiEBCiAt.— A Correspondentj. seek- 
mg information about **Ciceho's OfBceft/' 
is advised to look into the Post Office 
Directory for 1874» pfig-e 5089, 

they their four hands habitually at the throata of their kind ? Is a 
Caniubal the descendant of a camiyorousj or an improvement on a 
herbiToroua ApeP It ia hoped that distinguished Profeasore, by 
whom we are taught that our first parents were Marine Ascidians, 
^nU discuss these questions to the enlightenment of unscientific 


Why did it not occur to Mb. Disbaelt to save himself all the 
fdiifimiltiea of selection, by choosing his Vice-Presidents, Under 
Secretaries, and other Rubordinates, by Competitive Examination ? 
fPubiic oxjinion is. perhftps, hardly enough enlightened to look with 
rayour on the application of an Educational test to Cabinet 
Mimaters; and, indeed, in some cases, — that of Lord Privy Beal, for 
example — it woidd be difficult, if not altogether impossible, to frame 
a aet of appropriate qneations*) 

There is a Bo«ra in existence, hardly a stone's throw from 
Downing Street, which would have been charmed to carry out such 
a scheme as we have ventured to suggest. 

The first examination of the kind might have been conduerted with 
some indulgence, and a due allowance for the backward state of real 
education amongst u*. A little knowledge of accounts, and a 
, moderate acquaintance with the financial historv of England, past 
BJid pre sent J would not have weighed too heavily on candidates for 
the honours and emoluments of a junior Lordship of the Treasury. 
The fntiire lay Lord of the Admiralty could not hare comphiined if 
he had been called upon to explain the difference betw^n a brig 
and a aloop. or to distinguish larboard from starboard, or to prore 

to the satisfaction of the Examiners (say two old Trinity House 
Captains), by means of a diagram, that he wa« not wholly at sea 
on the subject of the masts and riggring of a ship. Then the Under- 
Secretary skip for Foreign Affairs would with great propriety hava 
fallen to the Member of Parliament composing the Dent Essay 
in the French lan^age, and dis]>laying some knowledge of 
geography, international law, and foreign treaties and cookery* 
Beyond requiring a neatly-executed map of our many and widely- 
scattered possessions, it would not b# desirable at first to horaas 
aspirants to the office of Under- f^ecrefjiry for the Colonies. 

We can only now roughly indicate the outlines of a scheme of this 
description ; but wo look forward with calmness and confidence to 
the time when Prime Ministers, as a matter of oourse^ will relieve 
themselves of all trouble and vexation, by selecting their Sub-Lieu- 
tenants on some such intelligent principle. We have no selfish aim 
in riew in proposing this plan. Office, with the abolition of 
sinecures, ceased to have any charm for nn. 


'^ Two thousand pianoforte freta " are offered for sale* We shall 
not compete, suffering too much already from vexations of this aort 
in the musical neighbourhood in which we try to exist 


QuMRi'' if rota a Con'eijKmdeni), — When a street nma into another 
street, what is the remeay at Law f 
The .^fi^fcer.^Conault a Solicitor. 




>Sv^. V\^3R^^ 




[Pebruart 28, 1874. 




Master Dich {At* ** first appmretnee** at **ti diniur-pariif" and jfussltd hytht strange Waiier—the Grungroeer of Ikt mighhoxtrhood). *''Ma, 
HAS 'Pa DordftT that Man, or on'v Hibkd him ? H " 


The Shf^eld Batty Tekffvnph informs cocfsumers, already 
subjected by producers to exceasive extortion, that at MotKer- 

" At a maM meeUng: of Scotch tninere on Thursday, 3tO0O <*ollieri re*olT<»d 
to work only four dii\f per week, ai»d only eight hours p«r day» in order to 
reduce the output, und to keep up prices/' 

On first sight of this mteUij^ence, it is natiiral to a»k. What if 
all the Jlour morchunts and dniprffists, and all otlicr dealera in 
duJphur and nfitmeal were t<j unite inresolviuR^ to sell those articles 
to nut one of t ho^u 3,(iOO Scutch colIierH under a ffiiinea a pound or 
»D of the fijiHl^ and as much as an ounce of uie remedy ? On 
reflection, however, you see that dear oatmeal at least can little 
atfef^t fellows whop« every meal eunsists mainly of meat or poultry. 
Hut tiup]jo(.»» the butehera and poulterers combined ag'ainst them, 
as thev combine afrainst the public, what then ? And could not 
the vintners niErr^e to raise these rapacious colliers' Champagne to 
some four or five pounds a bottle ? Perhaps they will try. 

The LioQS ot London, 

It is said that the Chemistry of Nature is at work on Lani>seee*s 
Lions at the base of Nfxsox Stylites' Column in Trafalgar Square, 
corroding- them by means of the sulphurous and other acid Tapours 
which help to constitute the Loadon atmosphere. What ja to be 
done to prevent the Lions from being" eaten ? Each of them might 
be supplied with a coat of paint ; but who is the artist that shall 
come after Sie Edt^tn Landskeu, and paint his Ljohb P 


Thb March to^ Coomassie has been performed, 
expect a Coomassie duadrilie. 

We nmy now 


EsTnrATiNO the probable conatitution of the new Ministry, the 
other day, a contemporary said : — 

'^ The Duke ot AnEacoR!* will most probably become Lord Lieutenant of 
Ireljind, Loiin Hertfobu, Lord Chamberlain, Rnd Lord HAROWicnts 
Master of the BuckhoundB.*' 

This announcement, should a translation of it get oircuUted in 
France, will iirobubly occasion French jotirnalists to make incisive 
remarks. It is to be ojcpeoted that some of them will express great 
indignation at that Eoglish brutality which places the Vice'roralty 
of Ireland on a footing with the office of an arch-lackey ana tli 
superintendenDe of a kennel, 

No Bigotry! 

Ix the judgment of the Hock it sneaks well for the stanch Pro- 
testantism of the people of this islana that in no English, Welsh, of 
Se^ftch count ituenoy has a single Papist yet obtained a seat. This 
fact may serve at oDce to allay fears and to rebuke boastings of the 
giread of Popery, No doubt that it attests a good deal of stanch 
Protestantism * but does it not also, besides that, evidence an un- 
popularity of Popery not merely theological? Suppose the Roman 
CathoUo Bishops in Germany had accepted Prince Bismaeci^b 
laws. Sunpoae the Pope had consented to crown Victor EifXAFtTEl., 
Suppose CAfiDiK Ai Culli!:n had denounced Homo Rule. Then would 
the Itock have had the pleasure of recording the eidusion of Roman 
Catholics by British eonstituencicB firom Parliament f 


We wish one or two more Working Men had obtained seats in the 
new Parliament — a Carx>enter, for instance, who, if a man of brains, 
might have worked his way to the Treasury Bench. 

Mabch 7, 1874.] 



)l)irieg ^r00fes- 

BORN APRIL 29, 1816. 

DIED FEBRUARY 23, 1874. 

The relations of Punch and its readers liave g:rown so oordial, that the strokes of death among its Contributors 
have become sabjects of sorrow far beyond the circle in which the dead were yalued as fellow^workers and loved as 

The death we have now to mourn deprives this Journal, for the second time, of a most able and active Head. 

Shiblet Brooks has been taken from us in the full force of his buoyant and genial activity. Like so many 
soldiers of the Pen, he has died, as a good Knight should, in harness, and at his post. His memory will be cherished 
by all who knew him, and by those most who knew him best. Few men have ever brought to the hard service of the 
Periodical Press more natural intelligence, a mind better equipped for its work, a more self-sustaining purpose to do his 
best in all he attempted, and a more loyal determination to render true and due service in all he took in hand. 

During the years— alas too fowl— of his Editorship of this Journal, its Staff have found in him— who was ever 
the pleasantest of comrades— the most considerate, sagacious and kindly of Chiefs. 

Of his achievements, beyond the pale of Punch, and in very various fields of Literature, of his acquirements as a 
scholar, his brilliancy as a wit, and his genial and gentle qualities as a man, this is not the place to speak. 

But it is not unbecoming, even in these pages, to say that these graces were so blended in him, that, large as is 
the public loss in his death, it is little compared to the blank that death must leave in his famUy and among his 

Nor can any better wish be offered to his successor in the Editorship of this Journal than that he may be guided 
by as fine a taste, as clear a judgment, and as well directed a sjrmpathy, as was SniaLEr Bbooes. 

Akoiheb blithe voice missing from our mirth, 
One more bright blade to our wit-combats lost. 

One springing seed of life the less on earth, 
Nipt by what seems to us untimely frost. 

Still our small band grows smaller : still there show 
Fewer old faces, and more empty rooms : 

Till, shadow-thronged, our table seems to grow 
A place of memories— a field of tombs. 

What though new growths spring to replace the old. 
Though seats be filled as merrily and well. 

Though young hands spring pencil and pen to hold, 
And new themes find new wits the laugh to swell f 

The life of Punch lives on, and knows not loss ; 

His deaths are theirs whom death robs of a friend ; 
Then let a timely tear his laughter cross, 

And seemly mourning with his motley blend. 

But three Springs have been green, since we stood round 
To hear the clod fall on Maek Lemon's bier, 

The wild-flowers yet have hardly claimed the ground, 
Where sleeps the Chief whose memory still is dear. 

Now GOT worn mourning must for him be donned, 
That took his place, whom we left sleeping there. 

Wondering, as homeward from the Church we wonned 
Who likeliest to fill best that empty chair I 

And he was chosen, whom in heart we knew 
The brightest, blithest, readiest and most bold. 

The keenest eye to point wit's arrow true, 
The deftest hand to plant it in the *' gold." 

But more, because, beside the ready wit. 
The well-stored memory, the pointed pen. 

We knew his temper for right ruling fit— 
His genial art that charms in guiding men. 

So he has sat, the focus of our board, 
The best Jest, sunniest presence, cheeriest voice, 

The centre of our council, deed and word. 
And none has e'er misdoubted of the choice. 

It seems but yesterday that he was here, 
The busiest in the business of the hour. 

With ready judgment, quick wit, vision clear, 
Full of the easy consciousness of power. 

The clasp of his kind hand still seems to cling 
To mine, his blithe voice still rings in my ear, 

E'en while this poor memorial wreath I fiingr 
With brother's hand, on his untimely bier 

Untimely!— Yes, to those who count by time ; 

But who can say how long his life has been, 
Chtuged by the toil, the thought in prose and rhyme. 

Experience of things heard and read and seen, 

Becorded, in those swift growths of the brain, 
Leaves of the tree, whose sap no winter stays. 

That spring to die, and die to spring again. 
But sum who knows what toil of nights and days ! 

And who that marks God's way in nature traced, 
The million germs to round one life that die. 

Shall say that all this work, or aught, is waste- 
Meteors that fade, e'en while they fire the sky. 

To tell our sons what our friend wrote or thought 
Little or nothing may o'er-fioat Time's foam ; 

What he toaa we know best, with whom he wrought. 
And they who sit, sad in a darkened home. 




[March 7, 1874 


(Mm (/) arc now Bnlidcd Half an Uuk wnder ih4 


In the T%nie%^ Special CoirespondearB account df the 
Mission ariea in captivity at CoomjisBie, there is a passage 
which wiU give not a few readers some satiafaotion : — 

*'0n the 9tli of August they arrived nt a villa^ about twelve 
milus from Coomasue. They th«»rc met a FrencbntAn nuined 
BoxNAT, who had been cApbrpd at Ho, on the eait side of 
the VoltA, When the Aahantee army approached he romained 
in hifl factory for the purpo«e of gelling thorn powder jind rona; 
but they took the powder and guns for nothing, and bimielf into 
the bargain," 

Served him right. So fare aU cwtiffs who «ell^ giini 
and ammunition to onr savage enemieB, Such ia the 
natural wish of every Briton ; hnt with a qnalification. 
If tho f^uns which M, Bon^at sold the Aahanteea were of 
Bromwirham make, and the powder was only jniHt strong 
enough to burst the guns, then indeed a Britiah patriot 
might pity that poor Frenchman* 

PrivcUe SmaUbQn^Jh 


iJT 'a 'AVE A Blow-ovt of 


TflE Bishop of Breslan, Mgr. Fu ester, is one of the 
Ultramontane Bishops who have had their goods dia- 
trained upon for fines incurred by disobeying the 
Prussian laws. The diocese of Breslau ia bisected by the 
Atistro- Prussian frontier, and Mon, Fobstbr has applied 
to Austria for protection. To this request, says a eon- 
temiKirary, ** the Austrian Government is not believed 
to have made a reply ; '* but Austrian papers assert that 
a certain castle **18 to be held in readiness as a refuge 
for the persecuted prolatet should his house bo rendered 
utterly nninhabitaole by the removal of his household 
fumitnre/* The castle thus stated to be reserved oa nn 
asylum for Mgr, FcVrstkb is the Castle Johonnisberg. 
There, indeed i be will find a refuge, and not only that, 
but also, you can imagine, a solace for persecution. 
Will he not drawn hia sorrows in Johannisberg ? Then, 
if it please his Ivordship, he can sing Hoc est himnm. 
As the hoys and girls aay— How awfully jolly for Bishop 


The nervous Gentleman who lost his head the other 
day, while addressing his Constituents, ia oonsidered to 
be none the worse for the misfortune* 


BEstDHs the election of a StJeoker, the Bwearing»in of the Mem- 
bers, Btid the thorough cleaning of both Houses, there arc many 
interesting ceremonies and customs connected with the inauguration 
of a new Parliamcntj which demand o\ir unprejudiced attention. 

On the day appointed by proelamatiou for the Parliament to 
' »S8emblei the Hereditary Great Chamberlain or hia deputy (who 
has previously supped with the High Bailill of Westminster) pro- 
ceeds alone, at day oreak, to the House of Lords, unlocks the door 
with a new silver-gilt key, makes three bows on the threahold of the 
Chamber, turns the woolsack ^ and places upon it a cocked hat and 
a bouquet of the choicest garden herbs* He then, retreating back- 
wards, visits the House of Commons, and deposits on the Si'Eakee's 
ohair a copy of Jl/fl^wa Char hi and a piece of red tape. The Heralds 
whose duty it is to pass the night preceding the opening of a new 
Parliament in the House of Lords and Commons alternately, each 
with a lii'awn sword at his side, and a detachment of the A division 
of Police in the lobby, take their dej)arturc the moment the Great 
Chamberlain has said in a loud voice (in Norman- French) *' Six 
o*clook,'* being conveyed in their tabards, through bye -streets, 
to their ijrivate residences in n waggonette. 

The custom r>f searching the vaults beneath the Houses of Parlia- 
ment for conspirators and combustible materials, is familiar to all of 
us; but it may not be equally well known that any one can procure 
admission to view the proceedings (except tlio lineal descendants of 
those who were concerned in the Gunpowder Plot) by the simple 
process pf obtaining an inj unction in the Court of Chaiicery» 

The first Member of the House of Commons who appears at the 
table (which must be a new one for the occasion) to be sworn^ is en- 
titled to a pair of white kid gloves embroidered on the back with 
the Speajueb's initials in silver^he is required to notify in writing to 
the Speaker's Secretary the wi?.^ he takes and whether he prefers 
French or English manufacture— and the last is presented with an 
extra copy of any Blue Book he likes to select. 

The Mace is always cleaned and rebnmished. The Sergeant-at» 
Arms, escorted by a detachment of the First Life Guards, conveys 
this Palladium of our liberties in the dead of night i^y the Bank of 
England, where the Master of the Goldsmiths' Ojmpany, attired in 
full Court dress, is waiting to execute the necessary repairs. Two 
sentries are posted at the door of the chamber in which the Maee is 
lodged, until it ia ready to be taken back to the House, when the 
same formalities are again observed* The Lord Mayor la required to 
be in attendance. 

The Clerks at the table in both Houses are provided with new wig«, 
all the expenses being met out of the fees paid by the promoters of 
private Bills* 

The Gentleman Usher of the Black Eod, and the Sergeant- at- 
Arms can claim double fees from any Peer or Member of the L<iw«r 
House who presents himself in a white hat to take the oaths and hia 

Any Peer or Member detected by the Lord Chaitcellok or the 
Speaxee asleep during the despatch of bueiness, is liablf *" ^ • '^lled 
upon to address the Hoiihe on the matter in hand; b/ ; )le- 

Bome custom has long falkn into disuse, and may now b _ d as 

No smoking is allowed in either House* 

Oommercial Proapecte* 

Tmt subjoined extract from the Thms is all very fine : — 

'^The Ixdioo TaADi.— Last month tho Tabitj of indigo imported wtt 
grofttly in cxcew. The valuti was £227,009 ; in January, 1873, £1 86,922. '* 

This excess in the importation of a valuable dye and pigment may 
be gratifying; but, if it ^oes on increasing, will not the large 
quantity of indigo broitght into the market make things look very 



0<mimmiicati%% i^imrod (to SlotU Fariy on Future Cob), " 0« cjlfital Hvh I Fox brokv Covxr kkar South Molton, ih Ko&Ta 





MARCH 5, 13TI. 
C^A^ Guino'fl **^Mrara.") 

Sbaxl Old Kick have all the dance-tunefl, the Old Masters all the 

•* Autumn Leaves ** and " Emlwat^ Stationa '* left our MTT.f.Aia and 

our FUITHH ? 
No • in Hellaa* lovely legends Punchy at leasts vdll claim his share, 
So here goes for his *' Aurora" after Guidons fresco fair ! 

A hove the stately door- way of the Roepigliosi Hall| 

The ro«y-fiiigered Lady of the light begema the wall ; 

A9| fioattering tiowers^ ehe wings ner way before Apollo's teanii 

WniU the young Hours, around him, dance in die Sun-God's beam* 

So Punchy if not a/ /resco. will cartoon hit ** Opening Day;** 
Round Punches Pha*bu3 Punch* s Hours shall wing their joyous way ; 
And the Opeming Day of Parliament shall his Aurora be, 
And new-arisen Dizzy in his oar-borne Phoebus see ! 

Of Apollo ** the far-darter*s " long-bow feats let Homer teU, 
But for each inch e*er Pha>buB ahot DIZZT haa shot an ell : 
And what is Phoobus* old light to the new light Dijizy shows ?— 
Let 'a hope it may not prove a case of * ' light oomo '^ that '* light goes,^' 

And round him^ like the circling Honrsj let Ministers revolve»» 
In Party and Department to koit knots and resolve: 
Tlie Hours lead on the Graces, but be one grace bj' them songhti 
That to t/i>grac6 they be not, like their pr^eoessorsi brought. 

And though for choice I *d scarcely seek even an Oxford Grace 
In Oathoene HAitDY'3 air of pluck, or Sal^sufhy's darkling face, 
Or Dk&by's brow of knotted will, and bull-dog iaw to match, 
Or in CAmws'9 eye of lightning, or *neath Nobthcoxe's sandy 

• The new Cabinet MinisCen^ Uke the Hours, are twclre. 

And though a good many Bquare pegs set in round holes I eee, 

** Dolphins in woods,'^ as Hoeace singi.* and also ** bores at sea"— 

And though the Home OMce must Dear its CfiOSd^ perhaps his 

Of the two Crosses, this and Lowe, may prove this Cross the less. 

Though there be Squires that feel at first, p^raps, " neither here nor 

Hoised from a Quarter Sessions* Bench to a Department chair : 
Though misses we are sure to have, and muddles not a few. 
Let *ft hope our new- bom Grnoea from their Phtt^bus may take cue. 

As sun in sky new life evokes with every quickening beam, 
What new life has our Phoebus into old cries served to stream ! 
If the sun t^ paint us pictures takes photograpliic pains, 
What pictures has our Phaibus developed from hk brains ! 

Upon films how transparent, breathed on his ohemic glass, 
What evanescent pictures made for permanent to pass ! 
What negatives to positives, and vke vend changed, 
What flats as seeming solids, shows as sub^tancus arranged I 

Nothing* in fact* the Sun-God in photography ean do, 
But DizzYi onr A|xj11o, does as well, and better loo* 
Self-made, and sni gvnerU^ perhaps autott/pe he *11 prove, 
And '* pcnnanL'nt ** proclaim himself until he hkes to move ! 

• ^^ Dolphlaum lilvis sppmgit, 6uctibua npnim.** 

HoHACB, IH ArU Patiie^^ 30, 


Ik a Plav latelv brought out on our Stage we are shown Makt 
Stuabt beloved by; Jonif Knox. This conflrma us in an idea we 
have long entertained that HEzraiETlA Mauia nursed a seeret 
passion for Ouvee CnoiiWEix, 



[Maboh 7, 1874. 


Finishing off Jarvii, 

M!'» I gay, "Sixty '8 along 

Mr. Jabvis doesn't ap] 
to think that it is a 

" Ho '11 doyoMr work," re- 
plies Mb. Jabyis, " for many 
years to come." He is evi- 
dently spreading the prioe 
over the time. 

My Aunt is still feeding 
him with bread. She treats 
him much the same as she 
would a bird. Doddbidge 
in the background admir- 

"ftretty creature!" says 
my Aunt. 

"Ain't he. Mum!" sighs 
DoDDBiDOE, " and so 

I smile. The smile is in- 
tended for Jabvis, in order 
to show him that I do not 
regard the animal from my 
Aunt's— that is, the pet 
Lamb point of view. Jabvis 
sees, however, what makes 
best for his game, and replies to my Aunt, not to me, 

" Tes, Ma^am, he '11 come to follow you about just like a dog. he 
will. He '11 do anything a'most for those as he knows is kind to 

There seems to be an exception, or mental reservation, in Jabvis's 
mind implied in the qualifying word " a'most." 

** Well," I say, coming straight to business, " let me have a week's 
Jabvis shakes his head. 

"No, Sir," he returns, emohatically, "if he ain't sold by to- 
morrow, — I ^ve had another oner for him, but I 'd rather see him 
plaoed where I know he '11 be well oared for "—here my Aunt gives 
the beast an apple while Doddbidoe goes for some sugar^ — between 
them they seem bent on turning the cob into a dumnling— or do 
ihe^ imagine that this will be his staple food to be included in the 

keep him any longer. 
Happy ThoughU^l might buy him for half the money at the 
" I wouldn't mind," I observe, deliberately, " giving thirty" — 
" Can't do it. Sir," says Jabvis, taking hold of the bridle with 
a determined air, and preparing to mount the cob and ride off. 
"Can't do it. Such a noffer 's absurd, ridiklus. No," says he, 
pausing before putting his foot in the stirrup. " I 'd take fifty. 
Why, he cost me forty-five guineas." 

Happjj Thought,—** Well, and look what a lot you 've taken out 
of him I^' 1 say. 

"Taken out of him!" exclaims Jabvis. **Not a bit. He's 
improved twenty pounds worth since I had him. I only part with 
him because I want a bigger animal, and can't keep two. No. Fifty. 
Ton may either take him or leave him. But you won't get such a 
chance as this again." 
He is on the point of mounting ; but doesn't. 
I think over " fifty." Suppose after I 've got him I find he has a 
something in his foot: or a tnck of— well^ Heaven knows what— but 
a trick. Or if , in short, generally, if he isn't worth the money F 
" I 'd better get Tbott, the vet, to look at him," I say. 
" Tbott himself wanted to buy him," returns Jabvis, confidently, 
" and p'raps he 'd ha' come to you with him faked up for sale, and 
have got seventy for him. No^ no," adds Jabvis, winking know- 
ingly at my Aunt, and shakmg his head ; " / know Tbott, and 
what he wants to buy, 1 know well enough /can sell." 

I hesitate. There are other horses besides this. Why, won't 
Jabvis let me have him on trial F And yet, on the other hand, why 
should I doubt Jabvis F 

" I '11 tell jou what I '11 do," says Jabvis, after a silence. " You 
shall drive him to-morrow where you like, any distanoetjuid ride him 
too, and I 'U just charge you merely for ms hire. Why Misteb 
Hoxton, of Springfield, he'd have tnat oob every day on hire if 
I'd let him* But I won't, 'oos he's not careful enough. Now 
I know I can trust him with you, Sir." 

tney imagme tnat t/iis will be nis staple looa to De mciudea in t 
weekly groceries F—" if he ain't sola by to-morrow," Jabvis co 
tinues, " I shall put him into a sale, ana take what he '11 fetch, 
can't afford to keep him any longer." 

Very g^ood. I accept. Jabvis has (dearly made a oonoeanon, and 
I meet him half-way. 

" Your man," says Jabvis, looking at the gardener, " oan take 
him now." 

" My man," who, up to this time has merely been a gardener, and 
nothing but a gardener, suddenly tries to look as much like a groom 
as possible. He is an honest, good-tempered, slouchy. dodhoppinff 
son of man, not brilliant, but what my Aunt calls *' worthy ana 
honest," and 1 think old Doddbidge has set her cap (such a cap !} at 

He is as near sixty as it is possible for any one to be without 
seeing fifty-seven again. Ana so for the matter of that is 

" You can manage him, Mueole F " I sav to him, doubtfully. I 
fancy that though he puts on a bold front, Mueole ia really afraid 
of the oob. 

MuBGLE smiles more to himself than me, as if it were absurd on my 
part to ask him such a question as that. 

The crowd in the road has now dwindled down to only five or six 
loafers with pipes. I think I catch them nudging one another and 
grinning. They 've known old Mubgle for years. They 're either 
sneering at his pretending to be a groom, or at me for having gone 
so for towards purchasing the horse. 

Jabvis says, carelessly, " I 'U call in on you to-morrow evening or 
the day after.'* and, Jabvis's hand having touched Jabvis'b straw-hat 
by way of salutinflr my Aunt, Jabvis's legs take him off, at an easy, 
sauntering pace, down the lane. 

Mubgle retires with the cob into the stable, and I hear a great 
deal of " way," " woa," " stand still then. wUi yer F " " Get up ! " 
and so forth, given in a tone sufficiently loud to reach me in the 
garden. Mubgle evidently is implying, " There ! I know how to 
talk to a horse, vou see. (Way I woa !) What, mo not know how 
to get on with a norse ! (Get up, can't yer F) I 'm something more 
than a gardener, I am ! (Come over, wulyer !) " 

We re-enter the house, thoughtfully. The crowd lingers on for a 
while. Nothing more hai)pens. Crowd disperses. " To-morrow," I 
say to my Aunt, " I '11 tate you out for a drive, and try the horse." 

Happy Thoupht—To telegraph for Gloppin who knows all about 
a horse, and ask him to come with me. Do it. 


The present Government are commonly said to have been raised 
to power by Tory reaction, but the subjoined extract from a well- 
informed contomporary seems to show that their supportors in the 
House of Commons include not a few gentlemen whom ladies at 
least will regard as the truest of Liberals : — 

** Woman Suffrage.— The number of Hcmbon returned to the new 
Parliament who have voted or declared in favour of woman sufihige is 217* 
The gain by the removal of opponents is 102. The hostile majority is oonie- 
quently reauced from 107 to five. The list of those who have voted for the 
Bill includes the Pbime Hinistbb and several members of the new Cabinet." 

It thus aj^pears that Feminine Emancipation is now no longer a 
party question, at least in the Legidature. It may be a question 
which will divide parties out of doors ; that is to say, not garden 
parties, but dinner parties, of the kind sometimes called bear-parties, 
consistmff of men only, who dine together as Mb. SpuBOEOir onoe 
suggested that they should dance. At evening parties, where men 
dance otherwise, there can be no difference anyhow between them 
and those they dance with, which they will confess to their partners. 

There are, however, politicians in whose estimation women's 
Suffra^ ranks with the orotohetsof the Nonconformists' Committee, 
the Umted Kingdom Alliance, the Liberation Society, and the Anti- 
Vaccination Leaane. Thev think its discussion m the House of 
Commons should be confin^ to Wednesdays, when Honourable Gen- 
tlemen at large, and for the time bcin^ out of confinement, are 
allowed to discuss insane ideas. But is Agricultural Labourers' 
Suffrage an absurdity? and has not Female Suffrage the advan- 
tage in all reason compared to that ? Are the njinpns less intolli- 
gent and worthy of political rights than the swains, the milkmaids 
than the shepherds, ploughmen, and carters ? Is a washerwoman 
less capable ox giving a proper veto than a man who lives by turning 
a mangle P Is not Household Suffrage at present incomplete ?— f or 
what is a household without a woman in it r Would not consistent 
legislation concede the suffrage to women ? and what worse oould 
come of female representation than an inconsistent ^^cnslature P 

Beynard's Last Besource* 

Amovo recent news appeared the stotement that a fox. the other 
day, chased by Mb. Oabth's foxhounds, ran into the Easthampstesd 
Union Workhouse. Keynard, if he acted with his usual sagaoitry 
must have had a strong love of life. Otherwise, rather than go into 
the Workhouse, he would have preferred going literally to the dogs. 



At the Pfiucen*$* 


HE AnUior (Mn. W. G. Wills) of 
Mr. Ifivmo as ChatleA the IXrst and 
£ugetic Anim^ has thrown away a 
rraud eubjeot in his treatment of 
Marie StuarL It k neither a good 
dramAt nor a ffood poem. 

Yet, had the leading parts heen 
in the hands of powerful artiiits. 
the minor oharaoters oarefally cast 
and carefnlly played, had the pieoe 
been produced with such care as i« 
now tne rule and not the exception 
at most of our chief Thcatresi and 
had the Btaro Management been 
thoroughly efficient, Marie Sitmrt^ 
despite its faults as a dramas deepite 
its weakness as a poem, might have 
achieved a temporarj' suceeBs, though 
it oould never nave attained a last- 
ing popularity. The Author began 
by not doing lustioe to himself; and 
the ActorSf following suit, have not 
done justice to the Author. 

The bills announce *'the whole 

produced under the direction of Mr, 

Alfred Nelson and the personal 

supervision of the Author, Mr. W. 

a* WiLia." Well. I*m aorry for it:-tberefore as to the sUge 

amngementa, one must not be too hard on Me. Nel&on, but 

divide the blame between him and hia talented supervisor. 

Your Eepresejitative would here observe thut any English Author 
who treats of Martt Stuaut without the flight from Fotheringay, 
without the imprisonment, without showing Elizabeth, and without 
the scaffold and death of thf CathoEo Queen, knows very little of 
the way to get at the popular mind. 

Your Eepresentative plaved the eaves-dropper on this occasion, 
and was not Burprised at what he heard— a conversational aunimary 
whereof he now proceeds to give for the benefit of those concerned 
in the Education of the People, and of Mb. Wills in particular^ to 
whom such hints may be useful in f utuxe* 

Inquiring Person (in the StalUf to Weil-read JViefuQ. I say 
{rfftrring to programme). Who was ChaMtelard f 

WtlUtmd Fru>nd, Eh, Chantelard f (Thinks hi^fiiend hat made 
a mtMiakSf hut^ on tooking at the Dramatis Persojia, §$0§ h§ hasuH.) 
Ah, yes — Choitelard— {thinks) — well^(fio^Mre* other people behind 
him mieretted in hia repli/)—n6 was a poet, who— lei me see — it*8 
oifHcult at this moment to recal-^-*^ 

lumtiring Person {with vafj[ne memory). Wasn't he choked by a 
crumb after writing something ? {Considers*) Yes— there was a 
picture of him some years ago in the Academy. 

Wtii-read Friend {puzzied). No— that was- at least— (</o«iJ/u//y) 
*- was that the name — Chastetard f { Wishes he \i read up all about 
ILlme SxrAUT hefure coming to the Theatre.) At this point enter 
Mb. CnAjiLiis nABcouBT as Chastelard. 

Regular Playaoer {in Pii^ to Companion), That's 'Aecocbt. Was 
ftt Brtiry. Lor I reeoUeet him ever so long. 

Companion, 0, he 's Chastelard, Who *s he ? Mary*s father ? 

Peguktr Phii^gocr {who soon gets at the thread of th^ plot). No. 
He 's in love with Mary, I suppose he 's the villain afterwards. 

Companion {surprised). They call him ** Young Chastelard,** 
Why's that? 

Me^dar PUtygoer (puzzUdS, I don't know. Perhaps he's in 
disguise. You 'n see {posiiivtly), he '11 be the villain. 

Cotnpanion {aU attention), I can't hear what they Ve saying. 

The Act goes on, and nothing particular happens, except that 
•* Young Chastelard ^^ is sent up the stage in disgrace, brought 
down the stage, and restored to favour, petted, snuDbed, made to 
hand things to Marie, has roses given him which he pinches with- 
imt making any wit faoee over the thorns (on the principle of 
•* grasp your nettle,'*^ I suppose), is called '* Chastelard,** and ** poor 
r: v//" is told that he might be fitted for some *' light and 

y l^ost"— which seems to suggest a fancy lamp-post in the 

i .Mii t f^^aiden— is suddenly, and much to his surprise bamshed, when 
he Miys that he will '*8Gt'' the ftueen ** in the shrine of his memory "^ 
—the use of which &imile, by the way, twice in the course oi a 
short conversation, rather detracts from one^s notion of him as a 
Icftile poet* He has just before observed — 

** a young child's snule^ 

A prire, mj fiegc, 

Bet like a jewel in njy memory/' 

Presently with much emotion* evinced by blinking, gasping, and 
hanging nis head, e^it Young Chastelard. He *8 back again, though, 
in less than five minutes, and aocepts Mary^s offer to take him with 
her to Scotland. End of Act I. 

Act JL A Front Scene played in the broadest Scotch dialect 
Local coloiu*ing this, and, no doubt, the humour of this soene would 
be highly appreciated, wherever the dialect should happen to ba 
intelligible. As it was— except wbcn the Provost uttered tbe word 
'* b reeks.'* whereat there was a laugh or two— the soene was a some- 
what dull. 

Then came Scene i, ** Edinburgh Gates." Arrangements supposed 
to have been made for the arrivn! ^^ *^ ^'''--rr,, ^ :f, apparently, for 
■om© long-expected visit of Hli e. In the book 

the stage-direction says, **!>** ^ , ^ and gun f red.** 

Yes, there was the cheering, as heartil^f as it over t» done on the 
Stage ; but as for the gun— all that we, in front, heard, was a series 
of what resembled the sound of blows from some li i let on 

some wooden block. Whether anybody's head was b r ed by 

the operation Your Representative cannot say, but sL^u^id Ui^iiik not. 

Quiet Person , in Stalls, I say, what *8 that row? 

Mr, Wagg, Why, don't you see P Circus just arriving, Clown 
behind wishes to give a hint that John Kirox is coming on* Bo he 
gets a hammer, and 

Quiet Per mm. Ah, I see, Yes— knocks. 

Tlten enter JoH?r Knox, xciik such a brogue U 
Quiet Person, in Stalls, I say, is he really speaking Scotch? 
Mr, Wagg, Well, I think so ; because iE*8 very much as spoken 
in some parts of Yorkshire. 

It turns out that John Knox is not only a Low Churchman, but 
a Low Comedian. I do not know what reamng Mn. RorsBT intended 
of the character atjirst, and am inclined to think tiat he meant to 
be serious and impressive throughout, but, after a few minr^ *^ it, 
linding that the audience were inclined to laugh at the chi 

kindly surrendered Ms own private view of A'rtojr as a tra^- _. , .. li 

brought him out more Uke JSox or Cox than Mr, Knox, Tbitt 
gracious condescension on the port of the intelligent artist tended 
to lighten the piece oonsiderabljr. 

Tbe one event of importance in this Act is that ** Young Cha»t€ 
lard** appears to have been brought over to Scotland merely to be 
horridly snubbed in public on his first appearance in Edinburgh, 

Here is a Gallery episode, to be taken for what it is worth :— 

£ill {unread in Scottish history), I say, who 's JonK Knox ? 

Tom {superciliously), Knox? You just get brought up at the 
P'lioe Court, and you '11 see. 

I forgot to say tiiat the Circus notion is kept up by the entrance 
of a procession, and of 3I(try Qtieen of Scots on a white horse. 
When she had dismounted, the horse didn't do anything — no firing 
a pistol, or breakfasting with the Clown (John Knox might have 
gone in for this), and so the Circus part was a tride flat. 

The Third Act commences with " Young Chastelard ** playing a 
game of *' La Grace ^' with a Lady. Two sticks and a hoop. ** Aa 
the scene ouens," say the stage- directions, '* a few last bars on the 
lute from Marie," 

What tliie means is not c^uite clear : perhaps it is i>oetry. Your 
Representative did not notice the few last barSj or the lute. 

* Young Chasiilard,** who (wonderful for his time of life), finishes 
his game sweetly and gracefully ,^he is **La Grace" itself— and then 
insmts Lord James Murray, who is a very unsympathetic person in 
maroon -coloured boots. 

Me. Wills makes Zord James call the Queen, ** an instrument 
of litramontane schemes,"— meaning, I suppose, Papistical plots. 
An anoiihronism. The word ** Ultramontane had no such signifi* 
cance in the time of Elizabeth as it has recently acquired* Lord 
James Murray ^ it is true, charges Knttx with having used the phrase. 
A'rtfijr might have been literally ** over the heads" of his congrega- 
tion m the pulpit, and beyond them in hia teaching, but he never got 
as for as anticipating the political slang of the nineteenth century. 

Then comes a Scene between the Great Calvinist — the Protestant 
Performer — and the Catholic Queen, in which John Knox ia funnier 
than ever. 

To pass over saoh an interesting event as the appearance of 
*' Young Chastelard** with a lute, on which, thank goodness, he 
only made one meaningless noise and lintshed^ we oomc to the soene 
in *' The Small Private Chapel of Marie," as the book of the play 
calls, it, meaning the Queen's Private Chapel* 

The book goes on, and describes the Scene according to Mb. Wills* 
mind's eye, or as he would probablv have written in the stage-direc* 
tion, to the ** small private eye of tne mind of Wills,"—** lieautifut 
Nonnan stained-glass window ; altar, tdth large crucijix: candles at 
cither side,** 

Poor Mb. Wells! The book was in nrint, I '11 be sworn, ere he 
hod cost hia eagle glance— that is, his WiLLs's birda'-eye— o*er the 
soene as ** his friends in front " saw it 

The Beautiful Norman Window was so remarkably like the 





s the I ^M 



[Mabcb T, 1874. 






CmioTmr (worrud ifUo it), ** Well, I don't mind Takihq a Buaix Bottls ** 

Barber, *' BjtTTBB *AVE A Two Seillin' onje, Sir; it 'olds Foue Tim«s as kuch as tkb othbb " 

Customtt {turning upon, him), ** 0» THEN if I tajui this Sqillinq Bottle, I boau. B£ Doks out of Half M7 MoKET^a wobth 1 
Tbxn I won't have AKT 1 *' [Eioapes in ir%wm§^i 

EAleidoscopio Chromatrope, wliioh waa one of our ohildiali delights 
&t the Polytecbiuc, that everyone's gaije waa at odco died on it^ 
©xi»ecting it would revolvei or evolve, or involve, or in-and-oat- 
volvey or perhapa break out into illuminated advortiBementa. It 
didn*t : and disappointed evervhody. I don*t wonder that thu 
Soottiali people (bijfoted^ ne donot) were furious about this stained- 
gkM window. The staige-direotioiis go on to deacribe the scene : — 

** Altar f and large crucifix,** In visible. In n aide-cbapel I caught 
aglimnse of two professional Ritualists performing some Bemoe^ 
bnt w%nt it would be diflSoult to say. Perhap-s one was saying 
*' Mafia" and the other **Yospcr9,'* both being mentioned in the 
book 08 occurring at the same time. Mass, however, as a matter of 
laoti is only saia in the momingi and Vespers in the afternoon or 
evening i however, perhaps the professional ecclesiastics were a tri£e 
nervous about this time, or their watchei were wrong; or, for some 
other oause or another, they got the services muddled up, 

** Candles at either side " — Mb. Wnxa^ perhapAt means on each 
side* However, if he left it to the choice ol the Btage Manager, I 
can answer for there having beeu candles on one side at all events. 

*' JFacA,'* continues the direction in the book, **om entering^ dtps 

ihejlnger m holy waUr and croaa^s the forehead with it *' Tnis 

being just auoh a direotion as would be written by a person who 
knew nothing whatever about the action he pretends to describe. 
TheM are details. But, as Me. Wills has shown so niuoh attention 
to details, he might have bestowed a little more care on them — or 
left them to the gentleman whom he waa aupervising; ie,, Nelson, 
hla Stage Manager. 

So the nninterestlng work proceeds. John Knox gets his laughs, 
and, out of all character, is made to address 8L Anthony, a Papist 
Saint. He finishes with a risky soliloquy, whieh is quite long 
enough, and then wo get to The Fifth Act^ in which there is just 
one sparV of life and interest « 

Her© I must stop to quote :— 

Mari4f {romantically), ** 0, Cjiabi:£Labi», I would we never met.*' 

Chastelard lorosaicallyfor him). ** Then'* (•>• * * if we hadnH met **) 
** had I never heard those blessed words.*' 

True, but remarkably commonplace. ** The British fleet yon 
cannot see, because it is not yet in sight ** is something of a paral- 

John Knox became a little more serious towards the end of the 
play, and with good reason. We aU gut more serious. But at hiat 
it ended, and so, my Readers, ends the full, true, and partieular 
aooouat given by Yoije REPEEaENTAtlvE. 


To confer a distinction of the nature of knighthood aa the reward 
of services, how meritorious soever, of a character very much rather 
clerkly than knightlv, and, though eminently respectaolef altogether 
the reverse of ohivafroua, the intention, said to have been coutem- 
plated, was, if bo, oonoeived in a siiirit of gratitude somewhat mintu 
a sense of eongruity. The Tinun. lately, having announoed that a 
certain nobleman had been otierod a step in the Peerage, proceeded 
further to mention that— 

" It waa alio proposed to oonfer upon the RtOHT How. Ruisin. Quamr 
the Grand Ctoaa of the Buth, in recognition of bit labouii in the WaahiDetoia 
Claimc Cofiimissioii, but Ma. Qubnby did not desire a distinction vnich 
seemed i&compatiblo witb bis profesaion.*' 

Here is evidence of the judicious and judicial mind. The Eeoorder 
of London has shown himself a good Judge. Has he not thereby 
clearly indicated the kind of honourable (^vancement which woold 
suit las deserts r* 


The performances of Mlle. Saea in oharaoteristio dancing' 
obtain applause. Ko doubt MLLEt Saba excela in the Saraband. 


JimpidaMt PmimMbr {rotuKd from his Sluniben erf 8 A, M. btj repdoUd Knocking^ at hU 
IhcrU "WiLLf WEAT la it?" 

A'&riMMff. ** WrUTSU THE TiME ! ** 

Rapeektf^U PamdfTQkcr. *• What \ do vou mbas to Sat you 'vb got MB otTT OF Bid at 


Rbriomis, ♦♦"Well, hang it, Goveenor— (/u(f/>~YOU >b got ny Watch!" 

▲ Mouthful and More. 

Ths mftieli into Coomassie was preceded by ft battle with the Ashantees tinder their 
Oimttral Akakquatta. This wqa the battle of Amoaful, oeoordingr to tho spelHng' of some ; 
the name of the place being spelt Amouful by others* Perhaps it will uot escape oDaervalion 
that Amonf 111 in sound nearly approaches a mouthfnli which is a fulness far short of that 
fiUin^ of the digestive oavity to which Sir G enteral Wolssley^s gallant Boldiert treated 
the enemy. ^ ^ 

A Puzzle,— There has been a transfer of Seali, and yet tho lurangementa at the Zoo- 
lofical Gardens remain unchanged* 


{Anacreontic after Dinmr.) 

QmrLEMWHt the " ruby" pasft— 
Let us fill a parting glass 
To our friend upon our left, 
Of whoso talents we *re bereftt 
Only for a time, we trust ; 
I am rare that we all must. 

Gentlemen, whilst here I stand 
With this Duroper in my hand* 
Look, it doesnH overflow, 
Though ^tis brimful of Bordeaux, 
Your attention when I claim, 
Need 1 Mr* Gladstoite name f 

There is one boon, as you know. 
Which, at least, to him we owe, 
Needs no eloquence of mine 
Tell you that is cheap French wine, 
Which baa been named al't^r him, 
** Gladstone "—Claret's synonym. 

Blame his measures some we hear 
In the interests of beer ; 
But *twaa he that, anyhow, 
Cheapened wine, they must allow* 
Thus, to every candid mind, 
Benefactor of his kind. 

No Teetotaller, so far, 
Bent on closing every bar, 
More like Bacchus, riding cask, 
Tapped and flowing, so I ask, 
Baechanalians, drink with me 
Gladstoxb's health, and long live he I 

MUSIC m A Meeting-house. 

On Monday lost week, according to the 
Citj/ Pret9t a Lecture was delivered by the 
Rev. Nbwmak Hall on " The Dignity of 
Labour." On this oocaaion ** the proceed- 
ings were opened by prayer," and, in the 
course of them, "the organist delighted 
the audience with a weU-chosen selection 
of operatic axid other music,** which in- 
cluded the Consptrat^yrs* Chorm^ the Legend 
of Madame AngoL and other pieces from 
the comic opera of that name. The con- 
gruity of these performances, with the rest 
of ** the proceedmgs," has been questioned ; 
but why proceodinffs which included light 
music should not be opened as they were, 
what reason is there which might not as 
well be alk|red against saying grace before 
dinner, and its attendant light conversa- 
tion ? It does not appear that any hymns 
were sung to airs from Madame Angol: 
and if there were, and they were speci* 
mens of average psalmody^ such tunes may 
perhaps be deemed more appropriate to 
them than the graver kind of music called 
sacred. Moreover, a little livelv opemtic 
music must have been an affreeable refrcmh- 
mcnt after a lecture on ^ Th« Dignity of 

The Bench and the Bar. 

Said the Mastkr of tut. Rolls to Mb. 
Baoshawb, Q.C., who in Court, the other 
day, hod spoken of one of his witnesses as 
** tnis gentleman,*' referring under that 
title to a Licensed Victualler, — " Since 
when hoi it become the fashion to coll a 
publican a pentlemanF Bince the last 
general election, 1 suppose f" But^ your 
Honour, before that, was not a pubbcan, if 
sitting on a jurv, always a gentleman of 
the jury P Ana, besides, has not mine 
host ever been acknowledged to rank among 
the Landlords of England? 




OIarch 7, 1874. 


It is jxjsitiTely^ if 
not credibly, roport«?d 
that, witliin the last 
month, tli€ women of 
South em Ohio have sue- 
ceedcd in fthntting up 
half of the liquor- shops 
in the chief towns* 
Tliia achievement they 
are said to have ac* 
complished hjr eyste- 
matically mohbingtho»e 
estahlisbments and 
their keeperftj and per- 
sisting in eing'mg hymna 
and pmyinp at the top 
of their voices outside 
the doors. TIuh American LadioEi^ campaign ag'uinst drink and drink-sellers haa been entitled 
Ihe ** Women's Whiskey War, '^ It appears to "work well," as some journals say of our 
Licensing Aet ; only that meoauro has been followed by a considerable increase in the con- 
sumption of *' intoxicating liquors." What is to provent the Women of England fn*m 

following the example of their sisters in 
America, by taking the Liquor Law into 
their own hands at the instatLce of the 
United Kingdom AUianoe? A nature not 
generally gre^riona beyond measure, ©or 
flighty. The Police, who, if they created a 
distttrbanoe and an obstruetion, would com- 
pel them to moTe on, and perhaps take some 
of them into custody on a charge of being 
in that very state occa?5T^r'-^ ^^r excess in 
spirituous and fermented I ^ ommon» 

sense^ which, in reapeot ot i ; raulants, 

approveii of moderation, and is averse from 
total abstinence. 

In Boston it seems that a ** Woman's 
Whiskey War " is rendered unnecessary, 
or is averted^ by the activity of the authori- 
ties in enforcing a Prohibitory Law. Not 
only have grog-shops been, suppressed, but 
the Police have invaded the hotels, seizing 
and carrying oil the stocks of cellars, in- 
cluding choice and old wines, to the value 
of from JC600 to £2000. Let ns hope that 
they ond their employers in this expl 
did not get very drunk upn their spoiL 

The Freedom of the United States 
the United Kingdom I There is a toast 
sentiment for a Tempernnc© dinner, 
could be drunk in toost-and-water. 




Inatruction for Islandera. 

AccouDuro to news from Auatralia : — 

•* Advicei from Fiji itute that the majority of 
Uie Fijinna were in favour of annexation lo Britlah 

The Fiji Islanders have experienced, and 
had enough of, the blessings of Home Hub. 
Their case, and their conclusion, might be 
a warning, if not an example^ to others. 


Tre contemptuous observations with which the late meetings in 
London, assemoled to express sympathy with the German nation in 
its struggle against Ultramontanism, were noticed by genteel 
ecolesiasticbm^ will bo seen to have had their sagacity attested hy 
the letter which, touching the demonstrations of vulgar British 
Protestants above referred to, the Emfekor of Gehmatht has written 
to Eabj* EussELL. It cannot be euppoaed that this was composed 
without the superviaion of BiS3kLiECK, who must, therefore, share 
with hia sovereign all the scorn which ctdtivation and rehnement. 
Gomhined with a sneaking kindness for Popery, can, in the choicest 
language, coat on such an effusion as this — 

** I thank yoti mncerely for this conimunieatioii» and for the accompanying 
exprosaioDS of your pcraonal good vdU, It is incumbent on tnc to bo the 
Imider of my people in u stniggle mfiiutjilncd through oonturici pmi by 
Ocnaan Empi*ror» of earlier days, ttgamst a power tho dominion of which ha« 
in no country of the world been found compatible with the frnedom and 
welfare of nntionn — a powpr whirh^ if victorious in our dayi, would imperil, 
not in Germany alone, the ble«singB of tho He formation, liberty of conBcience, 
tind the authority of the law." 

Of course the ahallownesBj the historical ignorance, and practical 
iini.)olioy of all this will be duly shown up and ridiculed, by criticism 
which will not fail to treat the foregoing passage as an extract from 
a speech at St. James*s or Eieter Hall* 

The foUowing declaration, doubtless, wiU be unanswerable, if not 
conclusively refuted :— 

" The latest meafurea of my Goveniment do not infrm^ upon thu Romisli 
Church or the free eiercisij of their religion by her votanefl ; they only give 
to the independence of tho Icgielation of thia eounlry iome of the guarantees 
long poflaessed liy other oountriea, and formerly poBi«*pd by FruMia, without 
bein^ held by the Eomisb Church incompatible with the free exercise of her 

It will, of course, be sufficient condemnation of the stuff ahove- 
gnoted to remark that it is written in the spirit of the Durham 
Letter and the Ecclesiastical Titles Act. But perhnpa, also, the 
United Kingdom will be congratulated on not Itaving an EmPerob 
William and a Pkdtce Bismaeck to deal with Ultramontane Irish 
Biahops and Home Eulci 


There is certainly some tnith in the advertising annotinoeineni 

** Typhoid Fever is nllowrd to be caused mainly by impure water. This 
last ia 'entirely obriatod by uaing th« Filters manufactured by," &c., &c. 

Undoubtedly Typhoid Fever is allowed to he caused mainly by 
impure water. It is allowed, and more, ordained, in the constitu- 
tion of the natural laws, it is also allowed by people who, without 
doing all they can to obtain pure water, use impure. But thia last 
is not entirely obviated by using any filter of any kind. Filters 
onlv serve to strain off the feculent matter which thickens water 
ana discolours it. No filter will avail to purge water of soluble lilth. 
** Your water," says the frracidigfjtr^ in Hamlet ^ ** is a sore decay er 
of your dead body ; " and, when a churchyard adjoins a well, the 
drainage which percolates the intervening soil gets filtered already 
in its passage into the well from the churchyard, andean be but 
tittle improved by further filtration. The best way not to allow 
tyi>hoid fever to be caused by impure water is not allowinff Corpo- 
rations and Vestries to constitute tho sewers, over which they pre- 
side, tributaries to rivers, whence people derive their drinking- 
water. Tyx)hoid fever is, indeed, caused mainly by impure water, 
which flows in the mains laid down from waterworka supplied froai 
contaminated streams. 

The Beward of Merit. 

"We liave much pleaiiirc in announcing that Mn. W. B. GunDOif, prin- 
cipal Private Secretary to Ma, GLAnsTONE, has rcpcived the distinetion of a 
CompttuioDship of the*Bath, Ma. Gcjiikw held thia e^nfidentinl post for two 
year* during Mr. OLAOSTojf b*8 tenure of th« Chancellorship of the Esf-hc* 
qucr up to 18(56, and throughout tho duration of tho late Govemmeat" 

WrLL any one say that the new has not fairly earned Hi 
guerdon ? 


TuEHE is a Special fitness in most things. As an illustration of 
' A Fb£E BfiXAXFiiET Table."— No more Reports of the Tich- this profound remark, take the fact ol the Author of Tfm Compf^t^ 
bonie Trial. ^ Angler being also the Biographer of the great Hooesju 

noFKsaoB IltnLET lifts taken the word out of Punch* g mouth. 
£vs '■-■'■- ^ Ti „ - t ., „ -,f>]tcu* And immietakeahly. 

1 is hiw been fou^hti— with unex- 

p€{ t' : , ... 1 results in the retuma of ** killed, 

woutidedi and mi»8in^,'* 

Vict-orB and Tonqumhed of 1868 have wheeled about. ** Ina '* 
and *' Outs ** have — literally— taken etch other's places. 
^Vhether BRiTAionA*8 brains have chaniWKl Bid«is or not, hor 
Member* have. What wos^ Opposition Bench is Treasury, 
and lat« Treasury haaj^on© into Opposiliou, 

Of a surety ** The Whirligig of Time has brought about hii 

Bxit if the Battle of the Elections be fought, that of the 
Si"i ■ Mil come. 

^ . ht is the breathing-time between the battles. 

i . ,. ,, i.^., lost, alas I the cunning hand that nsod to ex- 
tract tor him the Essence of our Collective Wisdom — 




[Uisca 14, 1S74. 

** Cut 11 tlie bmneh that might buva growa full Btiu^htp 
Aud buTQ^d is Apolla's Uuiel bough ! " 

But " uno muho. non deficit alter" and even if the metal be 
less finely wrought, he hopes he may aay, without presumption, 
SimiH frondescU virgnmetaiiQ, But let Punch have his still never so 
well in order, and his retorts never bo ready, tiU the Colleotive 
Wisdom ia fairly at work there is no extmatmff its Esseuee, For 
the present he must he content to chronitlo bow, on Thur&dat/^ 
March Mj was opened by Royal Commission the Parliament of 

The Parliament of I8G8 dosed on the Right Honourahle Willtam 
EwABT OLAnsToi«E, Premier, with a majority of some 66, The 
Parliament of 1874 opens on the Eight Honourable BK\'JAimr 
iJisHAELL First Lord of the Treasury, with a majority of 50. 

The " dcBcriptive" roptsrta of the ceremony of the ojjening recnrd 
the impressione of the describora — the Five Commissioners before 
the Throne, in their war-paint, red-robed, oocked-hatt^ ; eoming out 
** bis^arre figures," aecording to one ; ** looking their parts to per- 
fection *' in the eyes of another ;— " Guys," profanely insinuates the 
Daily Netca ; ** striking and Yeuetian," prouounoes the Fall Mall 

Who nhall deeide when painters disagree ? 

To these ubiquitous descriptive peuB may he left, also, the scenes in 
the House and out of the House ; the sminlejnent of the first man in ; 
the list of irrepressibles who came two hours before huaineas began— 
including our own Rokbuck — no more ** the strioken deer who left 
the herd," but n buck of gTea*ie, with bright eye, sleek eoat, and 
horns sharp for strife. Be it theira, too, to note hovr chatty and 
cheery wcto the old hands, veterans of earlier campaign a, Kur- 
vivora of many battles; how tremulous under the mask of com- 
posure, over-^y or over-grave, weakly -affable orfltolidly-important, 
the novi hommes^ recruits of 1874 ^ what cordial hand-shakes and 
hearty "how-do*s" were escchanged between friends who had come 
safe out of the fire, or not less friendly foes who had felt, and 
respected, each othei^s steeU 

Earliest among the early birds. Punch was glad to hail his 
friends Messrs. Bubt and Macdonalp, representatives of Under- 
ground Britain, Members for the Mine, sample black diamonds, 
'* pick**d Wallsendsp" They have sought and found the fairt'st 
audienoe in the world. Ptinrh will take his Davy that any light 
theirs can throw on dark places will be gladly received ; that all 
they have to say to the ^urpo»e will be attentively—nay reapect- 
fullv— listened to, and weighed as carefully as was ever corve at 
pit-hank. And really these pioneers of the pick — hewers, we pre- 
sume, of a way for othiT Working-men Representatives, eqiially stout 
and worthy— are about the only novLdty, as far as Funch can pre- 
sage, of the new Parliamentf always e^eept the Parliament itself, 
with its sudden swap of sides, and strangely altert^d balancea of 

There fiat W, E» 0. — Achillet may we oall hm, or Arthur 
after that disastrous fight in Lyonneaso ? — 

*^* Ijiid widoved of tbe pawer in his eye 
That bowed the will ! *' 

hoanely whispering to his Sir Bedtreret^QumfOTSt shaU we aay, 
or CAYJiNnisH t— 

'* 1 peiiib b^ tbis people I bave nmd^ ; 

Tbou^h tlie D. T iwiu^ I 4>Uould come sfain 

To rulo once nioro ! *' 

One thing we are glad to see — Arthur has not yet heen home to 
Avalon. He ha» not yet embraced the scholar's me^bctaken him 
to the digging of Greek roots, or the stiidy of Pre-Hellenic fashions in 
the jewel-box of Helen, lately recovered bv Bchliemann from 
the ashes of Old Trov. He was present on Ihursday, and did his 
detoir in the one stroke of work struck that day — the re-election of 
the SpEAEm 

It waa wisely and gracefully done in Bekjajtt^ our Ruler to 
waive conflict on this ground. How could he do bettc r than stick 
to the old Brand P Where will the House iind one sounder, whole - 
somer, more sustaining F And the new honour to the old man was 
gracefully aa well as wisely paid* 

Alike as brother Squire, and brother Sportsman, Mb. Coapltn 
was the right man to move Speaker BitAKn^s re-election* Where 
will you hnd abetter judge, whether of model Wliip or eonanm- 
mate M* F, H. ; or one better able to estimate as they deserve the 
rare qualities that have combined both excellences in one man f 

Then, for a perfect type of the old Gentleman Wliig to back the 
young Qeutleman Conservative, what choice happier than Lobd 
Geoeoe CATKNursn:, Member of every Parliament under Victoria, 
and the friend of aU that i^^as boat on noth sides of them all ? 

Ah, dear hoys 1 young Oxi onn may sneer at Whi^s and WhiggtBm, 
and, with Aluddin^ call out, ** New lamps for old ones I " The steady 
^low of the old light may^ perhaps serve as a aafer beacon than the 
inteFmittPQt, if more blmding, fiaah of even the latest thing in 
electric illumination. 

And, when proposer and seconder had said their respective says 
graciously and gallantlj, AehiHed himself orownod the choice of 
the House in a few well- chosen wordst In that Honso, seldom 
unfaithful or ungrateful, he was not allowed to rise without a oheer: 
though, outside of it, not one voice of the many-headed was raised 
to greet him as he passed through Palace Yard— only here and 
there a hat— lifted, we presume, from the heada of the few, not 
the many. The other ex -Ministers do not seem to have roceived 
even the silent honours of the hat 

And so the Speaker has heao led back to his chair, and the Hnirss 
KAB A TONGtTE , Che pa Wrt— that Funch may distil, in luture Numbers, 
the Essence of its utterance ! 



the prtjKut 
jvoaition of 
otir Theatre, 
such quali- 
ties as spon- 
taneity, graoe, the finest trtlht o accent and emphasis, tenderness in 
grave passages, mirth fulness in gay ones, and all these fused in 
an atmosphere of buoyaucy and brightness which exhilaratea like 
ehampaguc, and irradiates like light, are somethiDg to be indeed 
ihanMul for, when found combined in one Actress on an English 
Btage. They are to ho seen combined at this moment in Mibs Eloot 
Ti3RRr*8 personation of PhiUppu^ in Me. CHAHi.Ea Keaue^s drama 
of The Wctndenng IlfHr, at the Queen^s Theatre. Let those who 
may doubt if such praise now- a- days can have a solid foundation, 
go and admire for themselves. A new power of graceful comedy 
and womanly sentiment comes to us with the return to the boards of 
this young and charming Actress, whose eclipse for the last few 
years has been hard indeed upon a Stage that had no light to apftre. 

Hopelesa Minority. 

A siOH may have been heaved by many a reader on percutng 
(through spectacles) the remark, in a recent Tiinex^ leader, that, by 
the results of the late general elcctioUj ** Mr, GLAniT0NE*8 majority 
of sixty was sudden! j changed to a minority of fifty/- A return, if 
possible, to a minority of iifty would, no doubt, he acceptable to 
many persons who have attained to threescore * and there are pro^ 
hably few who would not be glad to be reduced, if they oould, to a 
minority of yeara under twenty-one. 


This month's issne of JBradahaw-g Eaiftcaj/ Guid* bejmii with 
** Sudden Mouming/'and ends with "The Shadow of Deauu" 

Mjoicii 14, 1874.] 






{Erom our Special attd Private hwuiry Cmrmpondeni retainad at 
Clarence Mouse,) 

EJLR Frlexd, aud 


MT Youth, 
You offer 
me two thousand 

pounds a line for 
information. Y'^ou 

were so pleiised 
with mj* doings 
on your account 
at the Court of 
St. PetersbuTfT, 
where I threw all 
the other Corre- 
spondents into 
the Hhttde, though 
only with one 
brief letter, that, 
a^art from pecu- 
niary considera- 
tions, which are 
all Boshki (as 
we say in Russia) 
to me, I shall be 
delighted to com* 
ply with your re- 
quest. Make it 
guineas, and I *m 
on. Here is in- 
telligence which no one has got except myself, your own Intelligent 


** Welcome I " aaid I, standing on the stept—'* welcome," said I, 
** to Clarence Hou^.*' 

I explained the origin of the name to our dear little Grand 

** Clibence, Ma'am, was drowned in a butt of Malmaey. Malm- 
icy was a sweet liquor which attracted the flies in summer. Thia 
accounts for the proprietors of Flys letting out Clarences for hire. 
The butt is preserved and kept at Kewington Butts. There is a 
butt in Parliament : his name is Whalley, There is another Butt 
who ii a Q.C/' 

** AUez'Vom ^romener ! ^* said the little darling, playfully. 

OjALFBEut if I were not Diogjejces I would oe Alkxandeb. 
Ko : I mean if she were not Maete, she would be Ai.exa>t)ra. I 
said this, and the Court simply roared as one man. There teas only 
one man, and he was the Chief Butler ; the others were looking after 
the luggage. He was dismissed at once. He had hia choice to 
be knouted on the sjjot, or dismissed on the spot. He chose the 
latter. I begi?ed him off, and then begged him on again. 

*' Tari^ha Mupxcq A'ro^," murmured the Grand Duchess sweetly 
to me. The idiomatic English of thia Russian sentence is, ** you 
Slyboots, I can refusevou nothing, you know.*' 

Then they entered Cmrenee House. And I draw a veil. Or per- 
haps some of your talented artists will draw a veil just to indicate 
wHiat I mean. 

• ••«•# 

In the evening, after dinner, wo do have, what ore called in 
Russian, Larx» Such games ! ^ Za CImssc au Glijssadicr—a Russo- 
French name for a game which is generally played on ice, and which 
may be translated into English as IlntU the Sh'pmr, (I once knew 
a penon of the name of Hunt, who did me out of two pun* ten. He 
was HtTNT the Slipper with a vengeance. Never seen Mm since.) 
The game in palatial residences is tniis played : carpets up, the lioor 
ia then rubbed with butter, or, on grand occafiona, with lord. 
This is only; when the Laid^-dardy Swells are present. (0 how she 
screamed with delight at this, when Her Royal Highness had tho- 
Toughly mistressed the explanation, which she did, bless her ! in 
less than half-on-hour, owing to rns/ ]^rfect command of the Eufisian 
tongue. N.B,— Nothiog like a Russian tongue for breakfaBt. See 
3me master that at Clarence House. My!) WeH, then e^me the 
-i«r^. Up the middle, and down again- I was very often down 
again* "Like coals ought to be," said I, when I lay prostrate for 

^e tenth time. Cheers and laughter, and then I translated it to 

^.R.H. Marie. Bless her ! and bless our Sailor Prince, and all the 

-Eoyal Family. Hooray I 

The little Grand Duchess is very fond of the Magic Lantern, 

oecanse it reminds her of her native land, with its slides. 

Then 1 sit down at the piano, and Alfred dances a hornpipe 

'^fjile playing the violin, which he can do beautifullj. His '* In my 

f^tnUage near a Wood^^ would drive Joachui wild with envy. '*'"«' J 

i« not the word- 

Then our divine little Duchess enters, dressed in her costume of a 
Colonel of Russian Hussars. And donH I cry out *' Huzza P' and 
don't she like it ! Rather. Bless her ! And then she alngs, archly 
(to my accompaniment), **j4^/ fjut j^ntme les Mihtairett!^^ But, 
between the verses, the f r , ■ i : -lot of the bride comes out, and she 
turns towards our Stii , and whisi>ers, ** Sij*aime les 

Militaires^ JUtdore les Mi*> r^.. / 

** Dit4>9 ceta attx troupes de ta Marine^** replies His Royal HighEeas, 

So we go on. ** Galatea Waltz *• next— me dancing, alone* Then 
a few fireworks, and so to bed. 

8o no more at present from yours ever, who signs himaelf— and 
re-signs himself, — 

bfiELLiGEWT Tommy {pro tern*)* 



Mr. Prwrn, to vou I appeal. Mk. Neville, of the Olympic, 
advertised for an ude. Well, here *s mine. Wny hasn't it been 
accepted ? I pores — I mean 1 pause — for a reply. 

However, judge for yourself, and stand between the Public and 
me. As for Mr. Neville— do you remember the rhs^me with whieh 
2>m.v Lumpkin sends Chnstantia Nemlle about her btuiness at thw 
tmd of Slw Stoops to Conquer — I mean in the speech which concludes 
with '* And Tont LuMPtiN is his own man again ! " ? 

No? Well, overhaul your play-book, and, when found, make a 
note of. But here you are,— I should say* here I am. 

Long live our Sailor Prinoe, 

Alfred the Greater! 
Never was^ 'fore or since, 

Such a nrst-rater. 


Bravo, Alf 1 

Music by Balfb 
Or Arthur SuLLivAir play ! 

Tune your fiddle 

In the middle 
Of the room, be gay 1 

Bangl Bang I Bangt 
Hear the trumpet clang* 
Hurrah \ Hurrah / 
For Alfred the Tar I 
And by hia ?ide 
Hia Tar- tar Bride 1 

{Con spitnto,) 
What 's he been arter P 
Catching a Tartar? 
No, you goos©! 
She's a Beautiful Buese ; 
Or, rhyming to "ufl," 
A Beautiful Ruse, 


'tis lovely when one sees 
The Nations all at peace I 

1 were all thus, 
French, German, Russ, 

Where would be the Police ? 

(Effervescendo tmd crescendo,) 
Hurrah ! Hurrah 1 
For the child of the CxAB ! 

Hurrah I Hurrah I (Ad lib, till tired,) 

0, Alfred, my Prince, you are in luck 

To have caught such a lovely Muscovy duck. 

Then one cheer more, 

And a hearty one thorough ! 
For Alfred and his wife, 
I wish *em a long life — 

Here *» to the Duchess of Edeptborotjgh ! 

Why, Sir, under a Liberal Government, 1 should have had a pen- 
sion^ and an order for a pair of boots. But, no. Talent is unrecog- 
niited. My pen falls from my hand* I am loyal, but unfortunate. 
Adieu, Manager Netillb ! You don't get me to write an Ode for 
irow again. 

M£MORAia»uii FOE Mdhstebs. — Without a Policy you can't 
Insure your Life. 



[Maboh U, 1874. 


Pair ErUhusiasL *' Look f Look f Tirstiz stands Mi^ia Gandbh Bio^lwith]^ trk Famoum Chaufioh of Wombn^s Kiohts, tbs 


Heajit by THB "Wrongs of ttm Wrjstohbd Sex t 0, isn't uhb DjviyM, Caitaln Dandelion !" 

Captain Daitdelion (ofthalJih WoUkts}. •» Haw I Tahi of TactBi you know I Watheb pwbfbe sat-WosiBN kysxlf— watsbb 


Mr, Miii^/Uur$ (oftht '* JSsa B&uqiul" Club). " Haw I Wathbr a dwuBBT, sRwyiiBT Lot, tbb wismo yotjno Gentusbs I Haw— 

AW— AW U" 


PlCKlNo oftkum in p^nal aeiritude, Mu* Arihur OaToir wHl pro- 
bably be forpotten tt Kreat deal sooner than he ought to bt?, considered 
in a certain light. Ever since the end of hia croas-exainination on 
Ms llrst trial by Attorn et-Gen£Bal Coleredoe, from themontil hia 
con\dGtion, he 1ms divided socdety »t Ijirge into two olassea oppaaite 
not only in opinion, but ako bb to character. Against him were 
ranged, with few exoeption&i the educated* the rational, and the 
respectable part of the conmmnitj ; on his side, aa a rule, tno stupid, 
the ignorant, and the brutal. Therefore, for a considerable tune, 
not only has Ma. Orton answered the piirpoae of the instriuneat 
deaid«Tftted by Sysitby Sktxh, namely, a foolometer, but h€ has also 
■ezTed for what may be denominated a scoundrelomcter as well. His 
partifians consiBted purtlf of peraoHs incapable of perceiving, and 
drawing the plain mference mm hia iUiterateness and vulgarity. 
These were the fools. The rest were persona many of whom believed 
that he was Tichborhb IxKMinae the wish that a low ruffian should 
turn out to be the inheritor of one of the oldest names and largest 
estates in England was father to the thought that he would. 

It is sorely no more than calling a spade a spade to term these 
people scoundrels. But, besides these^ there were others, scoundrels 
m the lowest dgrree, who sided with Orton. not because they 
believed he was TiCHBOKifS, but because they believed he was not 
TiCHBOBKB, admired the thorough coolness and effrontery with 
which he persisted in pretending to be. thought him altogether such 
an one as themselves, and therefore wished him, as tax impofitor« 
saooess. It may be a point of prudence to be^ in mind the cir- 
qnmatanoe, if a fact in oonneotion with bh^ partioaki person or 
persons, that they sided witli Ohiok. 


Mk. AbtHttb S^LLtVAN'fl lost ** OratofW* ** The Ught of *A# 
JVorMj^* was lirst brought out, wo believe, at Birmingham, thouth. 
as a work of Art, emphatically not of the Brummagem order. Till 
very lately, like most works of high and pure Art in --'■-] or 
any other form, ** Tlie Light of the WorlO** has pro! v-ht 

its author more praise than pudding. It has been r t' >^ 

few Manohest^er artists and amateurs to show their apprt?i 
a fine work of Art, and their kindly regard for the Artist in a 
as unusual as agreeable. 

After a recent performance of his ** Light of the World;' hi 
our Music-loving Cottonopolis, Mb. StTLLPfA^ was entertained aS 
supper by a body of his admirers, who, through Mr. Fox Tou^R, 
preaented to Mh. Sullivan a casket containing an old £iigiiili 
silver goblet and a purse of two hundred sovereigiiB I 
** Bo should desert in Arts be ofownod I " 

Mr, Punch can only say to Uonohester, and hef hearty^ 
generous patrona of good work, '^ Bravo ! '' and to all other cap 
and capitals of industry, ** Go ye, and do likewiM." 

The Iianguage of Flawers. 

A cEBiAor MoKBCBCTB JoLiFii, B flonst ol NapdleoDian ido 
with a tremendous trade in early violets , has been oormmis^on 
the faithful to present to their luiua, the pRDfCB IjtpkrjaLj at C 
hurst, on his birthday, a monster bouquet of the Nanoleonian fi 
The ceremony may best be described as a regular JoIlij&o«liaii» 

March 14, 1874.] 



(TVi tome Milium* of CorretpondenU.) 




HINA has invented Baling: to pieces aa ii 
pumahment. To be done to death with old 
saw^ is, we can answer for it, one of the most 
terrible tortures conceivable, Mr, Punches 
colttnms are not open to jokes on the Tich- 
BORKK Trial or the Aahantee War, more par- 
tioiilarlf to any which turn on yfii^i trtavr^f, laiwk-a-Maaaie, or A-Bhantj. 


AccoEBixo to the Voikneituna of Cologne, a riot waa 
oooftBioned on Sattmlav last week hy the removal of the 
goods diBt rained by tno politieid attthorlties from the 
reiidenoe of the Bisho? of MOmstsr :— 

"The reaeotmeat of tbe Bom&ti»C*tholio populAee wu 
increaied hy the fact that the peraon who took charge of the 
fiiniituro wiui a Lutht;raa jouicr. 

In this country there is, happily, no need for jpattingr 
an execution into the house of any EomaU'CathoHo 
prelate. But, even if such there were, the offence wMoh 
that prooeeding might occasion would probably, at least, 
not be aggravated by any invidious antagoniam oi oroed 
on the part of a sheriff's ollicer, or a man in poaaession. 
Unneoeaaary provocation would not have been given bv 
the aeixure of the Bishop op MDNBTJua's funutnre, if 
the person who took charge of it had been a gentleman 
of the Hebrew persuasion. 

l\t!o IHend9 meeting.— EasUrly Wmd* 

FirU Oentlemftn {tviih ** very bad cold in *U htad.** 
which makes htm chmige all ht^ ^* m'* ** and ** n**** (a» iht> 
case mapbs) mto *H'jr," ** d'a'* atid " Ts'*). »0w d'ye 
do f I say, I couldl't call od you before. But I *11 cub 

Secofkd GmitUtnan (a very ** near ** friend^ afraid of the 
Jir$t being a ** dear ** friena^ startled by the propofition). 
Coming to borrow P No, don't ! I can't manage it 

First Genthman (iut^nished), Why dot f I '11 cub 
early to-borrow 

SecofuJ GerUlejnan, No use coming to borrow— because 
it *a Lent. 

[Exit hurriedly. Friend with cold blows 
his doze^ and exit. 



At a Gounod Concert^ St, James*s HalL 

Ohlt to hear the ** Funeral March of a Marionette," introduced 
into the drama of Jeanne D^Arc, is well worth the price of two stalls 
at St. Jameses Hall» even though the seats are perhaps the moat 
uaoomfortahle in London. What are called ** stalls," and what, 
therefore, one has a right, from experience in theatres, to eipeot, 
are. in St. James's Hall, simply long oenches, with the numbers tied 
on to the backs of the scats. There are no divisions, no arms, no 
Boftnees, no comfort — nothing. Hardlv room to pass in or out, 
without putting your neighbours to much inconvenience. Of course 
there are draughts, but there are, more or less, draughts everywhere, 
This legitimate grumble being over, let us give ourselves to the 

Well— this *' Funeral March of a Marionette " is admirable, and 
the little piff of a squeak, with which it Unishes, is quite a touoh of 

Otherwise^ the music of Jeanne D^Arc is not particularlv striking, 
and probably suffers by being performed apart from tne drama, 
which it waj composed to illustrate. It *s a pity, too, that for the 
solos some first-rate voices have not been engaged. 

Hut to whose brilliant genius is due the authorship or translator- 
ship of the English words F Why is the name not given ? Alas I 
'twas ever thus : true genius and true modesty go hand in hand. 

la&^t this a terrido chorus of '' Fugitive Peasants " F— 

'* Id their fury and their power 
Hell flamos did sU deroar, 
And our Homes wore made desolate in one short hour." 

4nd ** Ri fol de riddle lol de ray " should have been the finishing 
stroke of this master^piece. 

The following is a novel and pretty idea for the refrain of a 
Ballad, sxmg by a Page fof Ame& SorePa Court), who must have 
been a lively person to oblige the company with a song,- 

•' Heigb ho { Hard fate will hare her way I 
Hfeij^h bo ! hei^h ho I and well-a-day I, 

Isn't it affecting ! Isn't it ** quite too awfully charming f *» and, 
T«aily, when you oome to consider it, so Shakspearian ! Again— 

** DaiD6 Fortune, I will bear with gladness 
All the woes thou art pleased to liart. 
Bare but one, too full of ladneas. 
That from mj dear Loto I must part 
This indeed u a oruel smart.'* 

I guess, siree, it was a *^ cruel smart *' young person who did this 
beautiful poetry. What playful fancy in the expresaiou ** to dart 
the woes." 

Why, even the effect of the truly admirable ** Marionette March " 
runs a fair ohonoe of being utterly spoilt by the Librettist's expla- 
nation of what it all means. As if M. Gounou had not made the 
'* Marionette March" speak for itself. There is not a bar of it, not 
a note of it, but tells its own part of the theme distinctly. Have a 
new edition of the Book sold m the Hall, with these stupid expla- 
nations omitted* They only bother and distract an audience. 

Here is part of a '^Patriotia Chorus," which terminates the 
Second Act : — 

•* Be • Bieu le veut * our Shibboleth ; 
Let the foe now prepare for death. 
Bleu le veut I Bieu le veut ! 
Dieu lo Tout I Yos, firmly united." 

Let the audience call for the Libretti 8t-;-in8ist upon his coming 
to the front, and then let them testify their grateful admiration oi 
his work in the most approoriate manner. 

** In one place I went to, said Aetemts Wakd, " the people were 
very much delighted. They called me on, and— fAr^/? the benches 
at me." 

By the way, there ib a sentiment in the song and chorus of the 
Third Act, into which M. Qounod would be able to enter most 
heartily. It is this. Somebody, called Perrine^ sings — 

** Away I away ! Te British Poachers, 
Seek not herre your prey. 

Away ! Away 1 '* 

M. GoiTjiOD has not been well treated by ** Britiaih Poachers *' and 
has publif^hed in this very book a long list of Soogs and Pieces 
of which he himself states, that. ** he neither produced them, nor 
sanctioned the translations," Tneir number is Sixty : and I 'm 
afraid the eminent Composer, if report be oorrect, did not get much 
benefit in England out of the ever-populu* Faust, 

The playful Librettist comes out with great vigour in a chorus of 
Soldiers playing dice, which goes on while two Saints, Saint Mar- 



[Maecii U. 1874. 


Tn£R£ it a new moYemeiii, andf of course, a new 
" am, *• in Ireland. The movement is one for forming a 
National Roll of tbffm who ore in favour of Home Rule, 
Tho iirst sic^ntlMlii Wre appended tx) the Roll at s 
meeting held lui wsut, in a place which haa witnessed 
many new moveiuentB and eras commenced and ended— 
the Hotunda in DubliiL The national colour, and 
singularly enough, tha aolour whiohis usuallv associated 
witt iimpUoity and credulity, was sufficiently displayed 
in the eourse oi the proceedings. The table at which the 
Chairmaa sat waa covered with green baize ; the cards oi 
memberflhip, produced by the Secretary, were green ; 
and A badge ox meroberslup— green, we cannot doubt- 
was aufgcited. and well received by the body of the 
meeting, but aisapi)roved by the M,r.*fl and others on 
the pktforih. It is interenting and, perhaps, instructive, 
also to ncte, that the larp volume which held the 
** National Home Rule Eoll" (subsoribers to pay on© 
shilling each per annum) waa bound in — calf. 


Ak intereatiug work, entitled Dahomev A^ V T * as 
been published by a gentleman named ^v, 
lis. Skebtcmlet is an antbusiastic entomol it 

isaeat-catching to Dahomey, where he got can l t , 

having been lured up the country bv Qtiiyr i , ir 

of Whydali, and detained aome eignt months bj Xik« 
Gkljilk, in the capital of his black Majesty*! kingdom. 
Gelele was anxious thai Mr, Seeetcui^y should aee 
I what the ** Customs'* of Dahomey really were» and the 
account of them which has resulted from his obBerrations 

will probably not alter the opinion about them previously 
( formed by people in general. He witnessed the 
f ** Customs^' for aome four months, during whidi time 
they are annually celebrated in the metropolis of Daha> 
mey, whereof, aa you know, the name is Abomey, and 
the ouatoms and the manners likewise are abominable. 


T^or {mmmring Cudomefof " Ortonian^* girth), " Woaxn TOtr holu the End, 

Habes Coutitentem REtTM.— Suitors write to the 
papers to complain of the ^^ block in Chancery, *' Who 
but a block (we must ask) tcoitid be in Chancery ? 

garet and Saint Catherine, are sin gin g up aloft, like Dru din's cele- 
brated chemb| •* keeping watch o^er the life of poor ** — Jeanrw, 

The game of dice la arranged thus. The Tenors play the Bassos, 
and the Basses are always getting the worrit of it. 
*' TfHori, Six I 
3ntgf4* Thrive f 
Tmon. Tin won I Tis won ! " 

A Tary simple game apparently. And what do the Basses, the 
onlia^py losers, any to thi^ F They are good placid creatures, merely 
astomshedi that *& aUr and they exclaimt 
**J?a<«M. Oddzooksf' 

WMch is a really charming word for music at any time. ** Odd- 
zookt ! " You can see the poor simple Bassos scratching their heads 
and wondering '* how it 's done/' and never for a moment suspect- 
ing the Tenors of having played falsely, while they sang truly. 
The Tenors ** best ^' the Basses invariably, and then they all join 

" Boys, oup oupt wfi *J1 dnin. 
And then try again i ** 

While the Bainta are giving Jeanm much the same advice as the 
Soldiers are giving themselves, only of course In more decorous 

** Joan, bo not dismriycd," &c, 

** Thoo art in the angoU* core. 
Trust cm ! Daughter, do not dcBpnir.*' 

And then» perhaps (only it^i not down in the libretto^ the Saints and 
Jtanne^ in ner sleep, also come out with '* Oddzooks! " 

The Play itself ^ if ever done into English as a whole, ought to be 
called *'Odd£ooks I'* i 

Perhapa aome antiquarian will tell us that Zook§ was the very 
game of dice which these soldiers were i)laying. This eicplains the 
phrase ; in such a case, of course, there would clearly be eitlier *' Udd- 
2^ka " or ^' E?en-2ooks,*^ and the score would mount or diminish 

Let tha Librettist look up this subject at the Britiah Museum ^ 
and append a few learned Kotea to hia next edition ; with alao on& 

illustratimi oi soldiers of that date playing at *' Zooks/* Bat what- 
ever he d<?eti» or doe«n*t# let him take out his desoription of the 
Mjiricnetle March, which everyone ought to hear, whioh is the gem 
of the whole^ and which, under M. Goiikod's able duection, speoka 
for itself. 

Prom Kusic to the Drama. 

Your Ilepresentative has been. aifierTvhaire and aeaai ir?arythlng 
worili seeing, and not worth seeing. It fa more pleaaant. and far 
aasiet (oa it aimpiiliea matters ooniideirably), to speak only of the 

Of PhtUpt for example, Uiere is much to be said — on botb sides* 
Meanwhile, let me say, Philip is excellently aeted» Tliere is, to 
this Representative's thinking, no fault to be found with the uer* 
lormanoe of this piece ; and, as it is n. auccesa, it will be, hereatter, 
worth while to inquire into the secret of its undoubted ponularity. 

While I am saying strong thinge, however^ just let me add that, if 
anyone wants to know (or, if anyone doesn't want to know, he must 
take mv advice all the same] how to make the hitherto im* 
practicable Scotch costume artistioaUy elegant, eooentrio, funny, 
and, in fact, how work up suck an old material aa ** plaid" into 
the moi^t effective dresses I 've aeen on the stage for some con- 
siderable time, let him (the peraon above-mentioned) drop into the 
Gaiety (where he *11 be cordially received by civU commiaaionDairea, 
a courteous Bachelor of Arts, in full uniform, who will reduce your 
comfort to a mathematical oertainty, and finally by the box-kee|>er 
and the f airy-iike attendantB}8ee Guy Fattkes, and then let him 
n^rce as to what Mb. Alfeed !raoMPSOTr can do in Costume with the 
highly approbatioual and juatly laudatory opinion of 

TouB BiPBSBirrAznn. 

Great Windfall. 

Our Inheritance in the Or eat Pyramid is advert i*i'^'l 
Crown Lawyers should be interrojjated to know %vl 
cession Duty has been paid. It might prove a wel^ji 
the next Surplua. 










It was telegxaikhed, the oilier day, from Pariiii tluit— 

^' Tbo Ifloifter of i3bi& Intetkr has forhiddm the nln ckf tho 
CotTKT t>m Chambojui'b photograph." 

What a neocflsary, dignified, and politio precaution I 
la it not OS politio as dignJiiedt ^uid even more politio 
than neeessai^ ? But for it the CotiNT DS Chucbo&ip 
would be BO likely to be called to the throne by popu* 
lar aeokmatbn ! It ifi ao sure effeetuidly to arrest ths 
Ufoyress of Le^timist opinions ! Fortimately for the 
French Republic there are no coins which bear the imago 
aad BiiperacTiption of Hej?ri V» If there were any. 
would not the Minister of the Interior call them all in r 
Perhapa, then, it would be well to withdraw from eireu- 
liitian all the money whioh, stamped with the partraita 
of pasft Freuoh soyereigna, may suffgeot muiiarchical 
ideas. Here, now, is a aoitgeetion lor a Statesman of 
enlarged riewa presiding orer the internal affaira of a 
great nation. 


Mt;CE ingenuity has Wn diii^played in marking out % 
new career for Mit. Gladstoxk, now that, happily for 
himst4f, he is released from tlie cares and worries of 
otlice. lie is to retire for a time from the leadenihip of 
hU party ; he is to go to Italy ; he is to retire into the 
m'mastery of La Trapi>e ; he is to take a trip to the Holy 
Land; he is to devote himself to literature, and mortt| 
particularly to the translation of oUi^Hical poetry; and] 
he is to give his nights and days, not to liis country or I 
the House of Commons, but to the study of philology- J 
Have the ingenious speculators got to the bottom o£l 
their budget of imaginations* or are they preparing atiU [ 
greater sururisea for us and Me, GLAUhTONE? Perhaps^ ' 
before anotner week oomes round, we shall be told that 
he intends to eiplore the plains of Troy ; or to breed 


Mariar Hamn. ** Yah 1 b* ykr rnow sta * *' 

Maud EmngiUm^ **No; ajcd 1 bhouldn't Lnti TO I* 

ne plai 
ponltry on an extensive scale ; or to giveliimself no rest 
iJTiUl he has nnruvt^lled the mystery of the authorship of 
llie Letters nf Junius* 


Own of the new Bopranoa who wOI bo heard this 
season at Her Majeity'i Opera is Mixb. SmoFiixi. Wo 
hope she will be suooesafulf if only that we may have the 
pleasure of making a alight alteration in her name, and 
speaking of her as Mlle. Sj^owelu. 


Tlivnur tlwi Tni'v fipnlly aeparated* the F->wmfiTi with much care, 
« 'esk, andallthi ] ibed their names 

i oats— avoiding , from a natural 

^^'gestive of a pluy on words at a moment 
MHfcial order of the Court, they were per- 
toiLicu ut cu-rry uw:iy with them a small piece of the Box, to be 
proaerved as a memento of the most rowcirkftble period in their 
utei, and handed down^ aa an heirloom, to their latest po:sterity* 

ThJe leave-taking between the Jury and the Officers of the Court 
was of the moat touching desoription. The Police had great diffi- 
culty in suppressing their emotion. 

That the Jury dined together on the day of their release is a fact 
which hardly needs to be mentioned. The toasts of ** The Judges/' 
**Tho Counsel for tbo down," and ** The Infant Heir." were re- 
ooived with the ^♦'*-^'i^ -^-♦^^nsiaam; but in defere*^-* «^ ' ^ feeling 
whioh will bo V 1, no speeohes were m oeca- 

Am* Thoeveni :u*d by some agreeabi —that 

fioo Bngllsh balW, '' Wuppin^ Old SUtir$,** calling forth an unani- 
BOfii 0ticore, 

Sttoh ii the force of " ' " ^i d bo strong is the rulin (? passion » that 
one Of two of the Jur 'temselves in the train goiof? to We^t- 

miiuttr on the folio Mwi^ ii^vuday morning; but» apart from the 
ourioua psyohologioal faot that aU of them more or less still dream 
of BiL Kenealt, we are happy to say that we have not hoard of 
nayjnnpleasant results of their long conlinement. 

Whatever else may be omitted to be done in Parliament this 
fiMBon. a Special Act ought, undoubtedly, to be passed, exem 
ttw TiGlibonio Jurr from serving on juries of every port and d 
tfoQ lor tho rest of tkeir lives. It la hardly Dooeaiary to odd u.^. 

they will have tbe right of admiasioa X^o the Court of Queen^s Bench 
whenever they ohoo»e to attend its sittings. 

The Loan Cbirf Jc^ice and his coueaguos passed a tranquil 
night, and spent the next day in happy seduaion. Congratulationa 
are flowing in from the Bench and the Bar, the two Houses of 
Parliament, the great Officers of State, tho Corps Diplomatique, the 
principal Crowned Heads of Europe, tho Partington Loe^l Im* 
provement Commisaionent, and many other Municipal Bodies and 
Public Associations. 

The result of the trial was immediately telegraphed to all parta of 
the world ; but through unavoidable horological differences, it was 
the oommon ti^pio of conversation in South American and Australian \ 
circles at an earlier hour than in the Clubs and Dining Houses of 

The shorthand writers made short work of it. They put on short 
coats, and at once started oft for a short excuridon in a picturesque 
part of the country, but not in the neighbourhood of the Tichboma 

A Committee of Ladies of the highest rank and most distinguished 
social position are now engaged in deliberating on the new name to 
be given to the old-fashioned dance, hitherto known aa ** Hir Koger/' 


A BTATiSTrcAi acoount of Beer, by M. Vogel, contains some In* 

teresting i>articulara relative to that invigorating Ifqaar. Among 

these is the statement that in Egypt, where beer wajs nrsst brewed at 

Pelusium, " in theyear 2017,'* it cantinues to be brewed still, and is 

iUod "booza." What a pretty instsnoo of analogy between the 

pular dialeot of oat of the ** Indo-European" raoes, and the 
L^yptian language ! 




[MAiunt U, 1874. 



n" ., 



f -- 





-=^^^0;. — 


Dmler (to Wavering Oustorrur). ** Wbll^ op cqttuse we all Knonv th\t— he's got *m Bad PorNTs ak' 'is OooD Poorrs ; but 


Good Podttb hi mat *avb till wi comes to Kxow 'm ! !" [The ^^ Party^^ took tirm U> considtr. 


Weigh Hanntbax ! Alive, and at hb best* 
How many stone had that prent Loadtr weighed 

Compai-ed with that huge Crinaitml, now dreat 
In prison garb, by special measure made ? 

that in penal servitude that slave 
Were saleable, and wonld» if he were sold, 

Fetch such a price as though the worthless knave 
For some fit use were worth his weight in i^old I 

*Tia hard for those in fortune who have nied 
A villain* 8 crime, that, not in any way 

Can monev*8 value out of him be s(!rewe<l, 
So that nis puniahment might them repay. 

NoTi(?ht to their good his oakum-picltinj? tends. 

E'en were he nilloried, like knave« ol yore, 
Hi» infamy would make them no amends j 

No doit of damaged revenue restore. 

To use of sorriest horse, or ox, or ass, 
There is no puttinp: yon Impostor big. 

No good whalers blubber is that monstrous mass; 
That fat no bacon of a wholes<^)me pig. 

Word and Deed. 

The Spanish Minister of Finance has taken to callinff the bonds he 
is always trying to get off his hands^ and on to other peoples^ 
**Pa(farhJ*^ We would warn our readers not to confound this unfa- 
miliar term with the better- known * * puggaree.'* The confusion may 
come easier, as both are fabrics of the all-ronnd-my-hat " order. 
The Spanish word *' Pamr^ " means " I will pay/' but the Spanish 
Minister means by it ** I tvon*C* 


*' WANTED, a Tlioroogh and Trustworthy GENERAL SERVANT, 
fV agM 30 to 40, with a good p<»rwnal Chanicter. Wages £15, all 
found. No kniree, boota, or windows* Two in family.** 

Thb Advertiser must be endowed with a singularly sanguine tem- 
perameutf if she expeots to tind a Servant willing to submit to the 
very liard terms she imposes. ** No knives **— the only conclusion 
we can com© to is that the unfortunate domestic will be expected to 
go back to a state of rude and barbarous manners, and to eat with 
her fingers. '* No boots '^ — similarly sbe must also forego the com- 
fort of going about her work decently shod» which, unless she is of 
Iriah extraction^ she will find a cruel deprivation. ** No windows " 
—lastly, and probably this would be felt to be the moat irkaome 
condition of aU, she must endure to pass all her time in apartment* 
where the natural light of day is never seen. The most forlorn 
maid-of-all-work would refuse a plaee bo studiously deprived of all 

Strong Antipatliies. 

On the nineteenth of this month a Paper was read lief ore tlio 
Linnean Society, entitled ** Systematic List of the Spiders at present 
known to inhabit Great Britain and Ireland.*' As a nati " 
qutnce, the respectable female who cleans the rooms oocui 
learned bodk' has ever since been hysterical. If, as i? r^i. ,, is 
Paper on Great British Spiders is followt^d up by 1. '! r n t ho 
Earwigs restding in these Islands, great fears are tut trlLUiiLd that 
she will Bend in ner resignation. 


HATn«r(i to sit under the shower of puns and parodies it has called 
down on PuhkIC^ devoted head* 




TogruyU (in (J^ W(uhing Room atth4 Office, proasdvig to dress /or th4 Ih Br0ume/§ 
Pinntr Party), ** Hfllo ! WuAT Tira Doogk'"^ (Pulling out, in. dismay, from 
hktck fiajTi a pair 0/ hlu€ Jlanjul TighH^ a pink striped Jcrs€y^ and a spiked canvoM 
SA*»,)— "CuKrauiO) rr! Vm!— I must havk takkn teat Fkllow's Baqwho 

mux WITH MY DsBfiS OlOTKES I I '* 


That vigorous writer of strong common-Bense, mingled with headstrong 
noBBenfl©, old Cobbett, does not appciir to have numbered entomoloey amon^ hia 
knowledges. He certainly wonld not have hailed the discovery of a new msect 
At astronomers welcome that of a new planet. There can he no donht that he 
had not any the least resijeot for a oockroaoh« or anything of the kind^ and that 
he would have rejoiced not at all in any addition to oiir catalogue of beetles. 
Yet there is one beetle of which, on grounds other than soientifio, it i* oonoeiv- 
able that he would have glorilied the advent in the choicest of his i>lain English. 
Thif new thing in Vole<fptera is the Colorado Potato Beetle^ which, spreading of 
late from the Eookj Mountaina, where it fed on wild potatoes, has now overrun 
much of the adjoining territory, in whioh it devours the cultivated potato-crops. 
It behftvw itself to the potatoei as a locust \ o&Iy ihsX looustt are a p&ssmg 
devaftatum, whereas Potato Beetles settle themselTei and extend, Cobbett. 
thefefofftt, who was hostile to potatoes, and abused thom as violecntly as he did 
his politioal enemies, would now, no doubt, if still flourishing, be elated with 
hopo that the Potato Beetle would shortly come by some means to be imported 
from the United States into the United kingdom, Now, however, who is there 
Bo^odd and perverse as not to consider that such an arrival wtmld be an immense 

GtADevozni, whUst yet in ofEoe, was memorialised by the Becretary of 
. ,jLtral Chamber of Asrriculture, on the lOth of February, with a suggestion 
the ports should be olosed against American seed potatoes. The Tu/tes says 

**!& rolVf ■ letter wss receiTed last week from the office of the Privy Council for Triidoi 
' to ths mttX thtt, according to the Amcricsn official reporti, it do«i not appear that the 
•m m Urr* of the Colomdo Beetle hare he«n or are depoaited or oonTejed in the tuber 
of IIm polai4i; and, tlMvefoie, there is eontider^d to benoresseit to mveat the importation 
of ae^ potatoes from America into the Uoited Kingdom, until the case ii proved to be 

Until the ease is proved to be otherwise ? Bat how then? Is it impossible 
that the case may be proved to be otherwise in the first instanoei on some fine is admired for her Cheek. 

morning, by the discovery of an English or Irish potato- 
l4eld in the occupation of the Colorado Beetle *t It may 
not at present am>ear that eg^ or larvee have been 
deposited or oonveFed in such wise as, for an^ht anyone 
knows, it may very soon appear that they oan* May not * 
earth oontaining eggs adhere to tubers? What if the 
ease be thus proved otherwise by experience, making 
Privy Councillors wise? Let us hope that the Privy 
Council for Trade is not too confident that, if it does 
not take care, it will not, by-and-by, have to^ stomp out 
the Colorado Potato Beetle » In the meanwhile, may no 
Bpeoimen of that unpleasant creature ever be seen on this 
fidde of the Atlantic, esceept at a Conversazione ci the 
Entomological Society, or in the British Museunu 


O HOW ahall tongue declare 
What is more tl^ ear can bear f 

That irreverent Crew 

Of the darker Blue ! 
They have slighted the Great Loud MatoeI 

Aghofit and amazed we stare 
To think any men could dare 

DiEregard and decline 

To att<md and dine. 
When required by the Great LoBn Matoe I 

Of cttlturw were they so bare 
As not to be fully aware 

Thev should imderstand 

Each reouost a oommand 
That's received from the Great Lord Matoe? 

Wliat mortal who loves good fare, 
And has prefer regard and oare 

For his inward man, 

Could be otherwise than 
Glad to dine with the Great LoBZ» Matoe f 

Where hope they to go, where f 
Of their future we quite den)air I 

And how sad the truth 

*Twas old Oxford's youth 
Who did snub the Great Lor© Mator! 

Contempt of the Civic Chair ! 
High Treason beyond compare. 

And neglect to write ! 

It was impolite, 
Said the justly inoensed Loed Matoe. 

0, teU it not over there 

In Paris, or France elsewhere, 

Where our neighbours all 

Are prepared to fall 
At the feet of the Great Loed Matoe t 

One fancies the rudest bear, 
Or boar in bis irjrest lair, 

Would at once turn out, 

With obsequious snout, 
At the beck of the Great Loed MATCkE. 

Our clothes we are fit to tear, 
W© are almost ready our hair 

To ]^luck and rend, 

While it stands on end 
At this slight to the Great Loed Matoe 1 

Ye reprobate youth, beware I 
For an awful fright prepare : 

Father Thames will nse^ 

And forbid your priie, 
Asd avenge the Great Loed MATOEi 




III I Mat iii-tjmtu iiut*i 

From the Oxford Boat, 
And their snub by the Great LoED MatoE. 

Thopoht roH A BcH00LD0T*s Theme.— Beautv and 
Boshfulneas are often united ; yet the loveliest Maiden 





[Makch 21, 1874. 






UWCH hopei it ia not prolaiie to quote the Psalmist's—" All 
flesh u OrOBS :" emd whea M.P.*8 are out down in the 
prime of their Parliamentary life, what more natnml than 
thatf like other Grasses, they fihonld become Hay^ and in that 
form he pitxjhforked from the lower level of the Commons 
to that receptacle for ripened reptitationa — that Parlia-- 
mentary hay -loft — thi Upper House ? 

Hence» the last not of W. E. G**s official life was to make 
Hay when the sun did not shine^ and to pitchfork into the 
Upper Hon»e a batch of his moit loyal and laborious lieu- 
lenantfl^ in and out of Office— Monsell and Caedwull, and Chichxsteb Foetescub, Lobd KNFiELn and Lobd Euot (live sons of liye 
Lords). Mb. EimirNn HitiranNn. and Sm Thomas FBEiiAimjE* 

There, in that Lotus-land whither BHtrcjc, that moat ill-used, and well-ahused, of Ministers^ haa gone before them— that npx>0r regioa 

^' Of purer ixmlight and diriner air. 
Where never winds breathe keenly,'* 

these, being translated, sit as my Lords Emly and Cabbwell, CAHTnfOFOBH and Cottesloi:. Staffokd and KrEsrELLA* 

It would be hard to deny our Uppt^r Biinjamix Aj* spell at Hay-making too, particularly now his Bun is shining so bright. And 

where could he iind abetter fork-full than in Punch's food friend^ Sir Joii:k Pakixotok, always m **out and dry" that he maj bo 

said to have been half way to Hay already— marked ^ as it were, for the pitohforkp even before hi» elevation f So SiB JoH» u tm naUt ^ 

into Bah ON Hampton. 

We would fain say of the whole batch, aa Shakspeabb aingti of the roses,— 

*^ Of their sweet deaths are sweeter odours made.^' 

May they hear with them, to the existenoe they are entering, a whiff of the wiidom gathered in that they are leaying— a wholesomA 
breath of the Commone, to freshen the closer atmosphere of the House Hereditary. 

A Voice from the Tent of AohiHes I 

But not iuoh a elarion-note as tiie ion of Pelous sent forth, when standing at the diteh— 

**■ Thrioe f^reat AeihiUei spake, 
Aad thrice la heat of all the charge th« Trojans ttaned back/' 

The trumpet of our Aohillea sends forth hut an uncertain sound, ~* 

** I will be your leader, an you must needs have me — though for my own part, look you — -" 

In short, we have here a most qualified aoceptanceahip of the responsible duties of Head of Her Majesty's Opposition, in the tome 
of a General who, seeing his troops in bo^less eoniusion, and already demoraliBed on the eve of battle, resumes, half*heutedly 
and reluctantly, the command he had laid down in the disoouragement of recent and unexpected defeat— more after the foahioa o< a 
8paniBb than an Eugliah Captain* 

Out better a leader on any terms, even such shrewdly qualified ones as those of this letter, than a nack of riotous hounds without a 
whip, an armv of sheep without a shepherd— such as our Liberal array seemed dissolving into— with just **yis" enough to qoarrel 
among themselves, none to face their foemen in the field. 

But let Achilles only take the field, and we may trust his temp^frament to show fight. 

So let Beitanxia bring him bis arms, wrought by Yuloan, inolnding the famous Shield, (in his own Tersion,) and let us await Idi 
battle-cry, till (in old Chapmas's rendering)— 

*^ Ai a voice is heard 
With emulous att«ntifHi, whim aoy town ia sphered 
With siege of such a foe si kills mon*s minds, and for the town 






ica 21, 1«74.] 



Hflko Boimd liu trumpet, bo thi> btiut by Thetu' issue blown, 
Won emulouAly the cui of all -'* 

Tbi Voioe is the Voice of Aohilles, after all ; and where is the 
foiee like It— among Greoks or Trojana F 

The wiiU for Mmistera' yiusated seats haye been moTed for« and 
the opposinK armiee will he arrayed. Ooneralfi, Brigadier Ollicers. 
and all. hj the 30th of this present Maroh--aQd then, *^ God defend 
the Eight! " 



By PunehU Poet Zaureote, 


downfall — 
hurled from 
power — 
The King whose 
out - throat 
with rough 
£ren Ashintee 
restrain — 
Behold* if not the 
fruit, at least 
the Hower. 
Umbrella I 

Welcome, oolossal 

flower -^ aix 

yards, if one — 

To Britain, now 

her fluwers 

are under 


From hand to handi from use to use you go, 
From wild Coomassie to South Kensington, 

A prize Umbrella I 
Kewa of Kixg Cofftjs's fall Press trumps have blown, 
CoFFESi thy nam© is Echoes house hold word ; 
2Vm«#, Ncicsj and Duilj/ Telegraph have heard ; 
Our Standard tor thy Standard hath made known. 


What Special Correipondent but mode free 

With thee and thine, aocording to his bent ; 
And he who not for news but fighting went, 
8lB Gaaitet, has come back, if not with tnee, 

With thy Umbrella I 
How our two Emnires ever came to strife — 
Thine with its letish slaves and howling hordes, 
Mine with its Commerce, Commons, CKiirch, and Lords, 
I can't explain ; can you now, on your lif e^ 

Umbrella P 

But if, perforce, we had to do the thing, 
Ne*er Detter at his work did General go. 
More pluck blue or red-jackets ne'er did show, 

Than they who took— if not Coomassie's King^- 

Thai King*8 Umbrella I 


War's fate brings this, thy s^bol, to the land 
Which can't allow black Kings to bar the way, 
But bums 'em out, and calls on them to pay. 

Gold, fifty thousand ounces, and this grand 

Umbrella t 

Now that Umhrella^s life is in the West, 
Where Kensington Muieum opes its door - 
Where » if thou drawest erowds of rich and poor. 
By the department shall the name be blessed 

Of this Umbrella 1 
But if you, Coffee, dare boil oW again, 
What though on grounds that Coffee may think fair ; 
Besides the fixe and ^e repeated there. 
We *U hang your body here I His shroud be then. 


And 'twere no more, Kmo Cofpbb, than youj due, 
Whose bloody customs shock the sickened soul. 
Bound this big »tick the velvet to up-n>U, 

Were you here^ and from black to whack you blue 

With your Umbrella I 

. * IlSi, Of ought tc be^ kn<»wn to all that the umbrella ia the symbol of Eoyal ftuthority 


(From a Private JoumaL Dated March 12, 1874.) 

Ent£A>x£ of Dux£ and DucEXSS OF Edbtbubgh into 
London, vid Paddington. 

** If you 're waking," I said to the Landlady overnight— 
** if you *re waking, call me early, call me early, mother 
dear.^^ And she did : the oonsequence was an awful head- 
ache. Very bilious. This, however, did not discourage 
me ; for, on looking in the gloaa, I was pleased to £nd 
that my face haa hoisted, ao to apeak, the Russian 
colours — ^yellow and black. My cheeks were yellow^ and 
I was black under the eyes. Had it been otberwiae, I 
should not have been so happy as I was. My nose was 
red in oonsequence of the cold, but as this was the uni- 
form of England, what did it matter? On the contrary, 
it (I mean my nose) was in itself a pointed compliment. 
Thus I representea the aUianoe hefween the two great 
nations. ^* If,'^ said I to myself, *' Alexin deotki is 
only pleased, I ahall be satisfied/* 

It was freezinglj cold— snow on the ground. My 
Landlady had provided me with a pair of skates, brmled, 
for breakfast. Seasonable. 

The only person who ought to have represented the 
Bar of England on that day out of doors should have 
been Sebjeaht Slkiob, 

The Life Guards Blue (with cold} were out, and every- 
one was about, shivering, sliding, laUing. 

Everywhere, decorated in yellow and black, wore tall 
Poles, out of compliment, I suppose, to Euaaia. 

But soon the Winter of our discontent was madeglorioua 
Summer by the appearance of the Sun over the Duke of 
Tork'a Column. 

Then we did cheer* How cold the white statues 

But what I wanted to know was, where was Ms. 
Sa^ohr*8 circoB tronpe, which had announced its inten- 
tion of joining the Ro vol coriige on the route? Well, 
it didn^t come out till tne next day, and there waa such 
an elephant in it 1 Evidently an allusion to Bussia in 

" Xow," taid the Duchess, smiling, at she entered 
the »alk d manger at Buckingham Palace, ** now we *ve 
finished the entrie^ let 's come to the pitce de rinstance,^* 
They laughed ha I ha !— and then they dined. 

The decorations in many places were by Messrs. 
De-fbketb, a most appropriate name for the occasion. 

Everything went on welL So did I. 

The ulimiinationB were nothing much. That eminent 
snip, Mb. Poole, came out with nine-taHor power, and 
eclipsed all his former efforts with glass, oolours, and 

The residence of the Newly-married waa gorgeous 
within in the evening. Hot water was freely ordered 
all round. ** Rations of grog/* was the word of our 
Sailor Prince, and **All hands to tallow noses." Fan- 
tasias on the warming-pans. Hot Coddlinga every- 
where. Extra blankets. And so to bed. 

Thus ended the Great Festivity of March— that is, of 
our ** Wedding March," 

Letters &nd I'lgurea. 

It has been proposed in the London Schcol-Board to 
raise a further sum of £59,000. With what they have 
already raised, this, it is said, will make a million and 
a quarter'-to show for which there wiO be bricks and 
moTtar« How many figures to set against the Three E's ! 

A Bigot. 

Db. CoLEirBO, of Natal, who considers the Pentateu(?h 
untrustworthy, will never, when he wants a new suit of 
clothes, deal with Moses. It is said that the latter 
offered, contrary to his principles, to truBt Dr. Colekso. 
In spite of this, De. Colek^o still refuses to credit 


[MABcn 21, 1871 





Cahb}f {to stately Party ^ who haji gii^en, him his kfjal Fare}. ** 'Makik' tir FoBTUlfB, SiB, KO dottbt I" 

Sipell {not tx€t£tl\j caiihing the Retnark)* ** Eh ? " 

Cethly. ** You 'rk a latin* by a ooo^ bit o" Moniy, Sir, 1 'll bi boitkd ( '* 

8ujell {imdiffliafUly}. "What d'Tou hcan, Sie T' 

Cabby, " Why yotj ikjn't Spkito iktoh, siekmin'ly I ** 

[DHvet ojf m triumph* 






{Married at St, Petershurgh^ January 23, 1874 : entered ZondoHf in 
a enoW'Stomij March 12| 1874.) 

Thebe liTed op. ELBcefitre&s* of tlunet 

Now centuries ago, 
A PrmcesB of thnX Stuart liBe, 

Whence thy houBe-honoura llow. 
By all of all Bortsj low or Mgli, 

Cheriahed as soon as Been, 
Whom, for a name to love her hy^ 

They called "The Winter Uuecn,'* 

And ao, remembermg the day 

That London welcomed thee— 
HoW| Bpite of fitorma that swept the way* 

A million itood to see : 
How aleet and snow drove wild o'ei-head, 

And melted into mire, 
How Winter came in Spring-time's ateadi 

With froet to apoU our Ere,— 

** The Winter Duoheas '* aeeme a name 

We mif^ht on thee bestow, 
For all said ^f waa for thee it came, 

That out-of-seaaon snow : 
That RuB^ia, loth to looM the arm 

Of io\Q about thee oaat, 
Sent those white wntehenii not to hamif 

But hold thee to the laat, 

^ EttXABBTBt Queen of B^hamia, daughter of Jamsi tjix Fia^t. 

** Blest is the bride," saya our old sawi 

** On whom the sunahine fallfl,*' 
But mayst thou ehow that winter'a flaw* 

As rioh bride -blessing caUa. 
Tho North- wind' a nip, that chilled the blood 

Qjit welcome warmer proved, 
Which frost and aleot and anow withstood, 

Unhid, nnbonght, unmoved* 

Cities of statelier palaces 

Thou haet seen, not a few, 
But no such imllion aa theae, 

Self -ranged in order due ; 
No crowd more prompt to speak or atrikei 

Bat none more qnick to own 
The ptdaes that Btir all alike, 

Be their seat atool or throne. 

The doaer to her new home^a heart 

The bride, methinka, ahoidd prove, 
Whom the old home, whose light thou wert, 

CkapB with such lin^ring love. 
8o En^kndt knowing' tnv home-life 

Loving and loved Baa been, 
A mother^a heart to thee, young wife, 

8eta wide — both folk, and Queen ! 

• ** May «top a hole to eipel the winter'a flaw/* 

ISaAKaFBA&a : 




It waa v©ry thoughtful of Knro Coffeb to leave his nmbrella 
behind for Sir Qarn£t Wolsju^y juat when he wanted it— the 
beginning of tho rainy season. 







[*' Enro GorrxE'a Umbnik hii boeti biotight to Eo^bxiiL^*^Moming Pa^ptr, 




21, 1874] 




ow noW| MfsdamsM^ ei 

^' Itiioitimatcd that 
£300,000 Bterling are 
ip^nt ftimuallv in £n^- 

We ahould like to 
know bow mimy 
hundred tboosand 
tiounds sterling have 
been expended the 
hst yeiu- or two by 
England on the f ftlse 
heir now being 
rapidly redaoed in 
oeUnlar tissue by 
priwn diet. 

Nothing Uikm 

Thx Empbhob of 
Rcssu will be here 
in May. The £ii- 


iR also expeoted. 
Kudsia and Morocco 
will, of course^ lign 
a binding treaty. 

The two Potentatet will be elected craftsmen of the Leatht^r-SelltTs. 

Complimentary lodgings will be taken for them in X^eather Lane, 

and a Kuburban TiUa at Leatherhead« For further particulars in 

idfance, see Court Circular, 


2^ memorable Trial of JarrisU Cob interrupted by $mmihing about 
G loppings Grandmother. 

Gloffdt, ** who knows all about it»" (** it** meaning The Horse 
generally,) can't come when he *» wanted, of course. 

If you do require a friend*a advice, depend on it that ^ou can't 
depend on it : or, rather, that you can't calculate upon getting it at 
the important moment. 

Then he, GLOFPUf, I mean—/ know him— wiU oome to me weeks 
afterwards, and say, *'My dear fellow, I am so sorry I couldn't 
oome over to you on that day. I *d ha' given something to ha' 
seen that mare you bought* I could ha" told you at once she 
wouldn't suit you*" And so on. 

He will— anyone will— volunteer information as to what I do want. 
But what I d<m*t want, and what I oughtn*t to buy on any aooount, 
not t word about that. 

When 1 see Qlopfxit again I '11 be bitter with him. I *U have 
sooMthing outtiuff to say to him. The worst of it it that, if I don*t 
oome aoroic him ior two montha, I shall, perhaps, have forgotten all 
about it— shall embra^ him heartily, and say, '* HaUo, Glopput! I 
am so pleased to see you ? "—when I really ought to take his hand 
quietly I and ear, waervedly and sadly, ** GLOPpnf, you should have 
oome to me in tne hour of need. Never more, Gloppi^, be officer 

Then Glopfdt would expLun. He alwaya eitplains^ and invari- 
ably smkee it appear that, whatever the fault was, it was all on 
ffimr side, never on his. Qui g^excute t* accuse ia what he acts 
upon, and so he never has an exouse, but an explanation. Hia ex- 
planations, too, are overwhelming and unanswerable. He contrives 
to s3i0W himself in such brilliant colours, and his friend (the injured 
pij^) he exhibits^ by inference, as a mean and sordid character. 

Thust euppoein^, in consequence of Glofput's not coming when 
fequireo, and ^Ting his valuable advice about the herae, I buy the 
ammalf and the animal turns out ** naaty "--say that he bites my 

leg, or hand, or rears or kioka, or rolls over with me — (this last must be 
very uncomfortable, though, somehow, it sounds genial and funov) 
—and I have several ribs broken. Well, I meet Gloppin afterwards, 
and I say to him, coldly and reproachfully ,^ — 

** Ah, Gloppui , if you had oome as you oftered to do, and had 
fivea me your advice, I shouldn't have bought that infernal animal, 
wMA foUed over with me, which pitehed me over his head, which 
kkSeed my teeth out, which bit a Bieoe out of my arm," ^c, &o. 

Qicmtt does not there and tnen express his sorrow, but imme- 
tetelft ^ en injured tone, and looking horribly hurt (more than 
■TftUv wk> am hurt all over), replies^— 

^Mly diw fellow, how oould I? When vour telegram eame I 
bid heiai up from eight in the evening tiUUve the next monung 

attending to my poor Grandmother, who, I thought, couldn't have 
lived out the night." 

I am done— at onoe, I feel I Ve been brutal* To have asked him 
to tear himself away from his diring GraDdmother's bedside, in order 
to give hii opinion m a friend's horse— yes, it was too much. 

^ I am Borry," I reply* sinking my sutiject of grief in hie, " to hear 
such bad news of your Grandmother. Iloa she— I mean is she r " 

"Yes,** says Gloppif, cheerfully, *' she's all right now. Out, 
and about* She *s a wonderful woman tor her age.'* 

**But," I ask, partially recovering from the first shock, "why 
didn*t you drop me a line of explanation r " 

** My dear fAlow," he replies, ** how could I ? I oouldn't leave 
her for a moment. Your telegram arrived all right, but they didn't 
like to disturb me, and of course they were right; and when I 
opened it, it was too late to explain. I oould only reply, * Can't 
oome.' 1 ou got that, didn't you t ** 

Yes, I own I got that. And we are both satisfied. That is, I 
accept his explanation. But, if I were to be asked, what I thought, 
candidlv speaking, on the subject, I ahould be oompeUed on oatn to 
reply, I do rwt believe in Gloppin's Grandmother." 

Whenever Gloppik doesn't want to do anything that you want 
him to do, hia excuse is his Grandmother. 

Ask him to lend you Eve pounds : he can't, because his money is 
somehow tied up in his Grandmother's, and he can't ask his Grand- 
mother, suddenly, to lend five pounds, because she 's liable to fits, 
if startled. 

He dines with his friends frequently, and laments he can't invite 
them in return, as it 's his Grandmother's house, and she is unable 
to receive company. ** And^" he adds, feelingly, '* I couldn't send 
her to bed while we 're having a jollification in the dining-room. 
Besides." he continues, ** the old lady is so fond of society that she 
wooldn t go to bed if I had friends tnere ; and staying up late kills 
her. She tried it once, and was so ill i thought she 'd have died. 
So I 'm obliged to keep very q^uiet at home,'' 

This is a divergence , but his not coming has riled me, and I can't 
help noting down how often Gloppin haa failed me, when I have 
ixiost relied upon him. and how everv time his excuse has been 
his Grandmother. Sue is always doing something wrong, or 
getting him. or herself, into some scrape or other. She mil go to 
church, ana sit in a draught : reaults, almost serious to her^ and 
much anxiety to Gloppin* She will venture out in slippery weather, 
and down she comes : very near a fracture, and more anxiety to 
GLOPPDf. She will sit up late, and be very unwell next day ; she 
will go to the Bank by nerself, and come a nasty one" into the 
mud, off the lowest step of an omnibus, the conductor of which has 
mounted his perch, sung out ** All right behind 1 " and the public 
convey anoe gone on at a trot. Concussion: more anxiety to 
Gloppik. She visits her Solicitor*s, and is summoned by a cabman, 
and Gloppik has to go with her to a police-court. And, above 
everythingj she has one great dread in life, one horror which she is 
alwaya anticipating, and Gloppdt tells me what it is. 

*• You 'd hardly Delieve it," savs GLOPPDf, knowing that I have 
taken a good deal on trust about nis Grandmother, ** you'd hardly 
believe it, but she has never had the measles." 

At this phenomenon, I exclaim. "Really K" 

** It *B a fact," says Gloppik, snaking his head decisively : ** my 
Grandmother has never had the measles, and I 'm not sure whether 
she ever had the whooping-cough. Medical men say that to catch 
either, at her age, is most dangerous." 

** But." I suggest, " surely these are ills which only extremely 
youthful flesh is heir to ? " 

** There 'a the danger," returns GLOPPnr. " She's aU ri^ht now, 
but, ahould she get into her second childhood, what, medically, is 
there against her having her first childhood's illnesses, overdue, as 
it were, and with accumulated interest, eh ? " 

I oonfeoB his reasoning seems correct, though, tomehow^ not quite 
right wommohere. There 's a flaw in the premisses. 

Rawy Thought {in Note' Book), — Several floors on the premises. 
(Work this out, and make it into some story about SosimjAir and 
his eon having an argument in a lodging-house.) 

The long and short of all this ii, that Gloppin doesn't oome. 

My Aunt is nervoualy alraid that Gloppin's Grandmother is iU 
again, and observes that idie (my Aunt) would rather not go out in 
the trap with the new cob. 

Happy Thought.— I '11 drive over to Tbott, the vet's, and ask 
him what his opinion ia. 

My man, MuBaLK, the Groom-Gardener (which sounds something 
about as uncertain as a horse-marine), makes a great fusr with pre-* 
paruiiotis. 1 hear him ** way-ing " and ** woa-in^ " and **oorae- 
overiug/' and pishing and blowing, until, finding he is a long time, I 
ent^r Uie stable, and see him having a tight with the oob, wbieh 
objects to the collar being put over its head. 

MuBGUi is going at the animal, as if hamesiing him were a labour 
for Hercules, 

The horse won't have the collar put on in Mctbolb's way, and 
MuBOLSr peniptringr won't give in. 

IP 124 


[Mabob 21, 1S74. 



" May T hate the pLBAsimx of Eng Aomo yof foe the next Vamx t ** 
'* All* BTOHT I What *a yotjb. Name f " 

** My Name ? Oh— ib^ — Loed Alckbnojj Plaktagbkut Mosyoomkey p b^ ' 
*• 0, BOTHER r What a Lot J " 



There will be a freat deal of war-paint going 
fotmd BOOH, in the shape of titleB, honours, and decora- 
tions, official rewards for** killing, slaying, and bnming." 
Will ^ou give a deooratton to the little motherleui girl 
of ten« LoxjiHA Row,' who "undertook the cooking** 
for her father, " a labourer," and his family, and died in 
the execution of her duty ? 

She has not kilkd anyone^ black or widtOi exoepfc her- 
self ; the has not burned anyone's hnta, or any<me*e 
yilliiges— i»he has only bnmed herself * She will fil no 
glory, unless yon, with a atroke of your pen* wul put 
one little star of honour upon her unknown grave. 

The Authoe op " Ouvz Vaec©!.** 

Will our Cktrrespondent aooent thia inscnytion f ot het 
poor little martyr s tombstone f 

Duty's small Servant, without prize or pniae, 
How soon on thy hard life hath death oone down 1 

Take thia brief record of thy childish day»— 
Goldf tried with ilre^ makes the best Mart]fr^s Crown, 

* *' A pninful death by bumhig hai happened «i Torquay. 
LotnsA Row, aged ten, lost her mother a ft?w we^ ago, and 
undertook the cookinfi; forh' < ' tboiirer, &nd the rati ot 

the family. She had well; -= duti«i devolving upon 

her liooe her mother's demU, ..u... m;;^ day she went too near 
the gratBf her frock vraa ignited , and she was terribly burned. 
The poor cbild lived aeverul clays after tlic accident/ At the 
inquest, a verdict tt * Accidental d^th * was returned**' 

A Boon to the Million. 

Tax a to give to B, C, D, 
Untaxed Sugar ; ditto tea* 
That 's your Breakfast Table Free : 
Fairer what demand can be f 

A Gosiznon Complaint. 

XJntjl he read that reference wfl3 made to ita Me- 
valence in the veterinary report, at the reoent MonUiljr 
Meeting of the Rnyal Agrioultural Society, SlOFESTOV 
acknowledges that he did not know what ^* Unarter ByH** 
really was. Bis idea had alwaya been that U ww 

He has got the ooUar as far as the cob's eyes, where it sticks, and 
makes the poor creature wild. 

MuBGLS lias got all the rest of the harness on Brat, and the oob 
seems to me to Bnow onunous signs of impatience about the tail. 

** Can't you manage it f ** I aak Mubolb. I know / oau*t help him . 

"Ar*ll do it afore arve done with Mm," says Mfbolk, with 
eheerful determination. 

It is now a contest. The Horse won^t give in, nor will MeEoiE. 
I am on the point of saying, " Welli it's no good keeping a horse 
that you can t hamesa under an hour and a half/'— bv which I 
really mean *' it 's no good keeping a man who knows nothing about 
honei/' — when the stable-vara gate opens, and a small, thick-set, 
shambling man, in an ostler^s dress, enters. He has eome from 
JlBYlB^a. He sets matters right in a second. He is only two-thirds 
of MuEfiLs's heijfht, but he manages the cob's head pcrieotly. The 
collar seems suadeniy to have become india-rubber in his hands, 
and its the cob's head and neck to a nicety. 

Then he looks at the harness. MimoLE has buokled up the crup- 
per so tightly that it *s a wonder the horse hadn't kicked the stable 
to pieces. I had noticed something wrong about his tail. 

MimoLE tries to induce the horse to accept the bit at his hands. 

The horse won't ; resolutely. In fact, no won't have it ; not a 
bit, Tho Ostler says simply, '* 'Ere, give it me!** He has the most 
evident contempt for Mubolb. 

Happy Thought—To get Uttle Ostler to give MTmai.1 Ismohb in 

** He knows me," aays the Oatler, alluding to the horse, 

** 0' course he does, Dick,*' answers MuitoLKf eyeing me doubt- 
fully, to aee if I acoei^t /Au as an excuse for Am not being able to do 
anything with the animal. I don^t. 

The Ostler, haYing haxneased him and put him in the trap, says 
as ** Me. Jaevis wished him to eome with me/* 

I feel it is but just, that Jaevis should be represented at the 
trial. I accept ; and we— Myself and the Ostler— are to start. 


Like his predecessor, Geegory, the first of that name, wh# nftde 

Suns which are historical, the present Holy Father. Pope Pito thk 
fiNTH, is well known to be fond of hia ioke. He lately dfiig&ed to 
make one which has gone the round oi the papers. In a {amiliar 
aUocution spoken to Cakbikal TAEucrnvi^ His Holiness addressed 
that ** Prinoe of the Church *'* as ;— 

"Tarquiaie atavis odita regibus." 

May this pleasantry be said to be PorE Pira's last ? Frobebly 
nott A reoent telegram from Italy announces that:'— 

" Sako, the Japanese Ministi^r, had an audience of the Popm yettsrday 
before leaving Borne. Hia Holiness recommended to Mm the iatoreits of the 
Csthohci in Japan/* 

There is every reason to believe that the venerable Pontiff added» 
'* And We cannot but say that— Orandum «s< ui til mmt saiMi m 
co rpo re Sano" 

Which words, if applied to Sako by the Head of the Latin 
Churohi Safo, not knowing Latin Grammar, most likely took for 
the Apostolicsd benediction ; the thought of having reoeiTed which 
may be no small comfort to nim. 

Letting Loose an Iriah Oentlemim. 

We read in a list of the Vioe-Eegal Household, of **eoe Ckntlft* 
man at large.*' If there is only one Gentleman at large, even in the 
seat of Yice-^^yalty, what must be the state of private komsehelds 
in Ireland ! How can Home Rtde ever be possible in a oonntry 
where restraint, even of Gentlemen, is so habitual that the appear- 
ance of so much as one at larre in Dublin CastlCi is thought warthy 
of mention in the newspapers I 


Mabos 21, 1874.] 




S^ptUJidie T(ntti0 Mother, ** A^ ymKKER Ts could be sak Cbitkl as TAB 


Prudkal Butter, '* Wbsl, tb bee, YE*Ut KO Eat tbsm tiSsrnr' I ** 


A Book has been published witb tbe va^e title JSbw 
to EcowmuM like a Lady, Like what Lady ? Name I 

Another good title. The Great Ic» Age, Clearlf m 
good opportunity for an advertiflenieiLt for Mb. Gubtsb. 

Kinti far Young HunUmen, (Sounds or in a Paper 
Cover,) What would a real huntianaii care about a 
paper coTert, onleM the hints are simply for boyg db- 
gaged in a paper-chase. 

Broken Bonds. By Hawley Bmabt. Hare not read 
tliia, but suj^pose it moat bo Bomdthing about the late 
Claimant swindle. 

Mr88 Celia when she takes the ur 

In Hyde Parki you may meet her there, 

A pug-dog, fat and panting, carries : 
A lucky dog» you *11 say^ and yet 
Miss Celia^ ten to one I bet, 

Will drop the pug-dog when she marries* 

Snow and Antiquity. 

The Romans thon^ht precious little of the Snow. 
They spoke of it as Ntx. virgil, who hated cold, wrote 
plaintively to hia friend Ttbulbulub, *' Kix nu dolor ," 
^* Snow is reaUy a grief to me ; ^' and this line was tuD- 
sequently adopted by the celebrated BuHTAXua EaktoEi 
the great comic ain^r of his day, and formed into a 
popiilar Roman chorus, since rendered into Euglish 
as '* iWjT nnj dolly, ^^ The above information may be 
relied on. ._^.^^^_^^^__ 

Towering Ifoyalty, 

The Special Reporter of the Daily Telegraph records 
the following expression of loyalty at the late meet of 
the Queen's Stag-hounds, attended by Hub Majisty and 
the DucHEBS OF Eddtbukgh :— 

"A equat church tower lifted itself ibore b dtitter of 

—What (Quaker could keep hia hat on after that f 



** AociiE : " sweet name ! Era she who bore it died 
On the steep steps that scale the House of Fame, 

Critical Paris^ in her cynic pride, 
Hod turned to truth the omen of the name. 

For Paris loved her ; gave her all the heart 
She has to lend to those whom she loves best* 

Nor Paris only : this, our busv mart, 
Gave her the love less readily profest. 

Hers the High Art, that keeps Trath's lowly way, 
A way that asks patience and pride to tread, 

Biding sore travel many a dusty day. 
Staying a high heart, oft, on bitter bread : 

Seeinir adventurers by other roods, 

Shoot, swift, to lend- voiced name and public stare, 
Learning to steel heart to Ambition's gosbds, 

From Siren songs of praise the ear forbear. 

Such was the life she lived for many a year 

Of little-valuedt lesa-rewarded, toil, 
TiD when Fame's tramp rang for her, sweet ajid dear, 

Her ear was dulled by weary wait and ooil. 

Then oame a space of summer, all too brief, 
With fruit of Art, and swift-sprung flowers of fame. 

What skill so touched the truths of joy and grief. 
So waked the theatre to loud acclaim ! 

But too late come that harvest of her pains, 
The roots of Death had struck deep in her heart ; 

And what cares Death for glory or for gaimi, 
Guerdon of that short life, so spent for Art. 

And she was d^g, with the pitiless cry 
Of box and pit and gallery, in her ear^ 

*' Give us thy life, but act, ond^ after, die ; 
It is to live with thy life we ore here." 

Thou art at rest. Poor Aimee t bravelier none^ 
Or less complaining, bowed to Heaven's dark doom ; 

More modestly and meekly neW was one 
Bore late-earned honours to on early tomb. 

Onielty to Iff en and Animalj, 

Hfifii'e ComcoBOEE Hewxit so demoralised by the atmosphere 
of carnage breathed at Coomasaie, that he does not scruple to avow 
his hope soon ** to dispatch Victor jSmmanuef\ and all the more serious 
fever and dysentery cases," This is really as bad as Napoleok and 
the Jaflfa plague-patients I Then, a^ain, what wiO the Society for 
the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals say to a ** Dromedary taJcing 
thirty-nine invalids to St, Yinoent ** f 

Iioyal and Konagerial* 

** I ^LL do something to attract the Public," said the Manager of 
a London Theatre which had not been doing very well lately, "* I *U 
do something, and that too on the Duchess of Eddojuboh^s proces- 
sional day. if I can't draw^ hang it, 1 can illuminat^*^^ 

He did. It attracted crowds— outside. 


PiOTESTU^o against the iiimay erections raised to accommodate 
spectators on the entry of the Duchess op Eddtbuiigh, a Corre- 
spondent of the Times observes that ** Pasteboard balconies are a 
standing danger." A falling one, we should ha?e rather thought. 



No. 170g.» 






The art of musical 
composition b certainlr 
a. wonderful art, and 
the art of muBioal cHti- 
ciam b an art which is 
at ill more wonderful. 
To people miAoquaiuted 
with tiie myet^riea of 
musical uan^ogTapliy^ 
phrases such as resolu- 
tion of a discord," ** con- 
trapuntal progress " of 
** intrusion of the aomi> 
nant," convei?^ about aa 
muoh as the inaoriptions 
in Chinese on rare old 
Nankin vases. Even 
when more ordinarj 
language ia emplo^red, it 
is otten vaatly difficult to 
ferret out its meaning-. 
Her©» for instance, is a 
sentence lately published 
on a piece ol music bj 


*^Tha loTsly tmdulatiDg 
moremeot of the mslody 
beat* witaMB to the ex* 
tremelv happv buxnI of the 
great Mtater.'^ 

W© really have no 
notion what constitutes 
in music an undulating 
movement ; nor does the 
epithet of ** lovely " in 
any way enlighten uj. 
Movmnents wnioh are 
tmdulatlng are by no 
means always lovely ; 
for instance, Bh. Joitn- 
ioif used to undulate, or 
roll himself about, but 
his movementi. we are 
told, were decidedly 
ungainly. The rolling 
of a steamboat is another 
not uiLopmmon kind of 
undulating movement, 
and one oy no means 
likelv to excite a happy 
mood in a muaioian* if 
HoasABT had ever iuf- 
iertd from a movement 
of this sorti it is pro- 
bable that the melody 
fluggeated to his mind 
W0iiJd have been a sadly 
mournful and by no 
meana eittremely happy 

firighton Amd Borne. 

The Post announces 
that Brighton is j ust now 
particularly full ; the 
Aquarium continuing to 
be a great attraction. 
The Aquarium at Brigh- 
ton, which is full of 
itsheafmavbe comnanni 
to that eooiesiaatical oon- 
federacy whioh calls its 
Chief *Hhe Fisherman," 
and, moreover^ as Ultra- 
wf>ntJinism everywhere 
t I ••« an imperiufn 

s so does the 
in ifi li I ^'Li Aquarium form 
a wat«ring-pUce within 
A watering-place, 


Tub Young Ladr in high life^ who was declared last week to have "devoured her 
little Baby Boy with kisaea." has, at the present huur of writing^ as we hear^ not been 
arrested for this hideous aei of cannibalism. But there are full-grown babiesi such as 
the one in his own prime cut, whom even Mr. Punch would like to devour — with 
kisaet I CO you naagatjr old Punchy -wunohy ! ) 


NoTsnra, we are told, auoeeeds like success t bo we oan hardly be surprised that the 
succesB of the new songs, ** There Sits a Bird on vonder Tri9^** and ** j< Bird Sitnff in 
a Emrfh^m TVee" is Iftely to brinff forth a nnmoer of successol^. Among them, a 
littl' ' ifms us, we may include the following,—*' There Ift)pM n Tomtit r>H nn 

Old / /' "vl Jaekdato Cowfd on a MiitlHoe Baugh,'* and ** There Tmi% n 

8wniit>w on a tall CMmnee :" all of which will, doubtless, well deserve whatever popu- 
larity they may fortunately pret. 

Indeed, now Spring-lime is at hand, it is likely that the musio-fttior^s xvill Ufm wHli 
songs on Buhjeots founded upon natural history. For instance, wt - 
Gratshopper Chirps in the Kew^moten S^ay^^ ** Srf fhr Phrerf" 
OT ** JiarK the Oaf/ Oomentk^ amid the Qrt^en C 
and si^aaou able son gf. KohMiver, siJigeM of a s< m 

melody in dittiea saah aa thcae, ** Tm Blnckbird j.ui.^ mv x^unv *i "f rr», # r 
liairy CattrpiUar tm a red^ red Bote.** and, UnallV) a song to be warbled With < 
pathos, '* The Snaii Consume my Cahhage GWifeti - ' 


CEBTAm weU-known 
publio objeota in our 
leading thoroughfares 
are understood to have 
affected the DrcirEsg op 
Edikbtjeoh on the day 
of the Royal March in a 
most remarkable man- 
ner. The pedestuls and 
eoluinns, w;th their con- 
tents, in Waterloo Place 
and Cockspur Street 
wrought in H - V— -i 
Highness a sc ! 
wluoh she had 
boen a atrsine^r . Imt 
when she behela the 
eoiicBtrian and martial 
i'lHgicB that Charing 
(Voss and Trafslf^ar 
hiquare had to retcal, 
her feeling:9 kn»w n(> 
|tt|nds. She begged the 
nftft to procure her 
protomphs of all the 
beautiful works of Art 
she had seen that dav 
—ft commission which 
he assured her there 
would not be the slight- 
cut difBculty in execut- 
ing. Our only regret is 
that Hyde Park Corner 
and Constitution Hill 
were not also in the line 
of the prooesaion; but. 

Serhaps, it waa as well 
> leave one or two of our 
most striking memorials 
for Her Royal High- 
nesa's inspection on some 
future occasion. 

Bhyaic for tioffiiee. 

EiKG Gomt Cm^ 
CALL! having tranamit- 
ted to Sib GAnifEr 
WoLSELEY one thousand 
ounces of gold as an 
iniitalment of the indem- 
nity which he had agreed 
to pay. Sir Gaekkt, we 
are told, "sent him a 
rough draught of the 
Treaty to consider at his 
leisure." His Ashantee 
Majesty no doubt found 
this draught disagree- 
ably bitter. It is to bo 
hoped that he has now 
}»»*iri iufHcicntly well 
1 to prevent 
u ever commit- 
tin^ any exoess again 
which will make him 
have to swallow another* 

Ancient and Modem. 

APAPlfion**Tbe M^- 
tr«a4 of the T^ i 
sand'* has Lv 




f ^^CH 28, 1874.] 








J' ■;■'"":/. 






ll *^< 

\^- \f 

K8TEI How is Esftri 
iliMtUled without §yn 
''wash"? Th: ( h Ti , 

Where Biif?ar i^, t'li^ro v/r. 

xge 8«fTed 

Ui ^: .... .i-u^j:.^^:! was *?aii 
ii»rr<^c— sugar without spirit-- 
ChenuBtrr to the oontrar)* nol- 

The work of the Session open- 
rd to MozAitr's cla'isical tjoena 
' ' Piueulo e il Mm\'^ from 
Jdomanco, That air, we take 
to be about the efiuivalent for 
I lip vernacular ** AH Strenc.^^ 
Xliis concerted piece was sunff 
in nnison in Ibo Peei^s by my 

Lords Gra::' - ^ i^, ...... 

'<vith just 1 : 

discord to : _ . -. ^ > 

thrown in by those masters of 

ihi^ f^bamoniou?, tb* l>rKi: cri' SoitEiwrr and Eakl Geey. The Duke wiia in tine candid con- 

' ' ' ' ^2d more oauftiic in hiu water from the well of truth, and the Earl's 

veiy eordiiil. Their disagrecahlo tniths were hiphlv iipi>reciated» 

I 41 1-. \^minifitration, Mv I ^ " '^t^ ' '! ' - -^ 

fiat. Purbaps th: 
.. ^_,.mt for the rebpcetfiil, u „.--,_-,- -^ - 

d tJie tame unwonted determination of everybody fo \, 

!« a Boraerflfet or a Grey to trail on nntroilT 

Au Even Roebuck was at' rest, and ftvi' i 

^:» vv;!-. ufiivcrt^d '' ■■■ '- '^-^ -^ T- -»■,- *,ii-.... 
1*. And th<;M' 

pan^tinty QOTigniL , _ , .... i - ^ 

1, ejcecntcd a harnujuious movement in eommuQ mtasure — ^to the air^ *' lot 

h"— with just enough piquancy in the Gladstonian touch of B€lf-justification» 

I the Biwraelian rejoinder, mtrodiiced in their respective solo puBsages, to take on 

i and fulsomeness. Te*— on the stage of St. Stephen's, as on any other st^lge, 

*^ ir imanimity is wondnrful ! 

quarrel ovtr an Address mode np of {joints bo «afe aa KiiTopGtin Peace, 
-hant^ Defeat, or bo ndA as the Indian Famine ; crowned by promises so 

1. Simplification of T>and-Law8— a bold enough proTOise, however, as far ae probabilities of 
>'■■■■■ ' >i office and Selboiwi! out to help him. 

Ext I re-orrangementa and administrutive fusion trf Law ttnd 

J -' -fi, 

A R- working of the Mfister and Servant's Act, and tin 

4- * of the Liquor Law. 

** itfnt Societies. 

ffot en< *' LJ^uiiig " or iieroic uudcrLikiug ainung the live , but all fiufficiently difficult, and very 

I ^ki 

much wanted -- practical improve- 
ment a ^ in faet» ol a real imjx>rtanoe 
bearing no pro|)ortion to the show 

thevr-' ' : 


mnt ter for a 



r,.i 'wk 
'r : ■ , ^i in 

b}' two df^fjvit!}ti.s^ tho 
LoTRiA!^ and Eakl of 

' .'I 1 : 

1 on the 


' , 1 no- 


^ In tlu 
tion wa 

quit^ uriir-H.:i 

.f Glai» 
r the 1 
. in V 

■lo'ui'j' r 




;, i ^ 'iK' a 
-.KIN j^.H tumble 
liy him ffir his 



to h 

bas atl 


■' fiicb 
ioiied Iktt im- 

1 ^—Tor- 
-— could 

■— nt, a 

' iLce 

1 ^aian 
-aled to 

s, not to 
t the evening, 

:i- — 



muff y ua 

,1 marriage •bt?ll,*' 

till, on Ftiduy, Ha. Butt moved his 
Home- Rule Amendment, ** That Ire- 
land is diwatiBfiedr complains that 
she does not enjoy the full benefit of 
the British Constitution and laws; 
and that PorliameTi . -i i ia well to 
consider Ireland^ e tion , * * 

Parliament, for _ , ent, de- 
clines ; by the mouth ot Me. Chap- 
lin, Coxintry Squire (who lay^ Irish 
disloyalty at Mk. Glaii ' K>r, 

alongside the Irish Chii i lud 

Acts); Mr. Newpix. Iier 

for Protestantiiim (wh' the 

Irish as Eiielaiid^ J ^'«i 

atid takes th litT of cush- 

iomng off Ml •* Mr. Ouj)- 

iqvjjTE, for It ^ a vote): 

and Mil. CiL idminis- 

' ^ - : ' ^-Tider 


.• ^.. ^ ■_ . . ■ ^ a to 

demolish Burr, Like a master uf thtv 
art. With a few well-planted blowt* 
of the Glttdstonian nommer, lUs 
hoops were knocked off, his staves 

. --•"■■- vr ..-.„..- v-^^i.r.i^^_^ina 
1 1 water. 
:/■ Irish 
atiaiisr" asked Mit. ULA0s*ro»E. 
**Tbe Fentan i^rif^neTs? Are our 
\t\' ■'. ^ '■■■,!. I x\i\ 

es- lir^ 

in «nd 

m*' 'ly 

En_..:. -' ' ■ '.u^to 

hove four V ^^ono iuipe- 

riiil, f>ne \^t- -K ditto Irish, 


i; charge of confiscating 

11 it ooutiscAUon ixi deal With naLd 
property for the good of the majority, i 
after satisfying eve?Y vvL'ii>rv*i»!^\ 



[Mkbcu 28, 1874, 



Maqistrnif. "You 8\Y, PfitSONfiR, YOU'VE A COMPLAINT AGAINST THE CoN- 

STABLB. What la it!" 

Pri$iyn£r, •* Pi.bajb«, Sib, ub took hk Unawarbb, Sib T* 



claim of the minority ? As for confifeirating the Lajid, how comes it that» since 
Ihe poAsiiig- of the IriBh Land Act, the market value of Iri«h estates has risen ? 
And how came Consen^ativea to vote with LiheraU oe its S^jcond Eeadiii^i 
442 Ayes to 11 Noes "r 

Loud K, Motjtacu wanted to know why» if the Colonies had their Parliftmenis, 
Ireland should not hsive hers? f?iR Robebt has one c|ualifieation for an Irish 
Member, he does not feel a non sfmattir. 

Probably he will pooh-pooh such answers as, — First, that Ireland is not a 
Colony ; secondly, that the Colonies are not represented, as Ireland is, in the 
Imperial Parliament, 

Cafiai^n Noi.ak, Galway Connty, Home*Eiiler, disolaims for his friends any 
wish for separation. He thinks the Coercion Laws press hard on farmers^ who 
can't carry iirt-arms for the protection of their crops (but when it becomes a 
queatiun between rooks and landlords, Captain Nolan ?). 

Mb* W. JoHKSTOH (Belfast) protests ag-ainst any further attemnt to conciliate 
a party which can never be coneiliated with safety to the British Empire, and 
honour to the British Crown. Home- Rule means Rome Rule, Though *^ Na- 
tional *' papers might exult over everything that injured England, even over 
the prtjspect of disaster to British arms in Ashantee, forgetting that Sm Garnet 
Woi-sKLET wa3 an Irishman, Flster would always resist the dismemberment of 
the Empire. 

Mr. Mitchell Heitbt was all for conciliating. Home*Rule does not mean 
rebeUion. It is rebellion's remedy, Ireland is losing population ; and if she m 
increasing her bankers*. deposits, it is beoauae she is afraid to use her money* 

8iE M, Hicks Beach (Seoretary for Ireland) rejoiced to find all Home-Rulers 
ain^ed on one point, that Home- Rule does not mean separation from the Empire. 
But what does it mean ? There ^s the rub. 

** For tli<* Pripithood Home-Rulfl m^ans deoominationai education, iupported by grants 
of money; for the Faruiera Home-Rule rneanft the transference of property from thuir 
landlords to them»elre«. Homc-Eule means purehase of Irinh BHilwaya : higher laljiriet 
of n&UoDal Hrhoolmasten : hardly a with in Ireland but h&s been iaeluded under *fiomei 
Rule/ If IreUnd ij; to be self-goyntrning and aelf-taxing, with power over her Customs 
and Bxciie, that ia & dismemberment of the United Kingdom. To any such inter|»rvta- 
tion of Home-Kule no Goverament in thia country eotild for a moment consent/* 

Af for the Coercion Acts Mr. Butt has admitted 

**that the itate of Ireland in at present exeeptionally peaceful and quiet, owing mainly 


to the Acta in question. Tboy do not int^^rfere with law-abiding 
citiirenfl; but they do keep'guiet those who would otherwise 
be a terror to their fellow-eubjecta/* 

Sound sense, Sra Michael^ simply spoken. 

And so is what followed in your rejoinder to Mr, 
Butt. ** Local wants might with advantage be dealt with 
by local ^bunals— but not only in Ireland- in England 
and Scotland as well. This is Home-Rule of Home 
matters not for Ireland* but for all parts of the Emnire." 
But then it would rob Mb, Butt of his cry, ana Me. 
SuLLTVAfT of the sale of his Nation, 

Mk, Sullttax made a slashing maiden ^peeoh, with 
a good deal of fire and fun, to prove that the Coercion 
Acts are not wanted in Ireland— which Mb. Sulltvak 
does not for a moment believe — and wound up with a 
peroration of Irish brilliancy, if of Irish blarney too, 

** He looked forward to a brighter and happier future, not 
only for bis own oountry, but for England. They were tired 
of hatred, and would be glad to have a spell of love. If the 
IrJAh had hated, it was bocauae thr Enfrlish in their place would 
have hated too; if they had V I, it was Wause thr 

English, under the same goad, w i»oen similarly rouwd. 

They were there to fight with C u.:.L;jDjd weapons; to rorct 

IHendlinesa with friendliness, not to be receivea with taunts, 
or, if they were, they could bear them with the eouanimity of 
a party that felt they had the power in their hands.*' 

Delightful, if tme, Mr. Bullivak ! 

The House divided, 315 against 50 for Me. Bcrrr*8 

The first thing the Chaj^celloe op the Ejchequ7» 
had to do - and more jpower to him ! — was to move for 
a Bill, giving authority to the Secretary of State for 
India to raise maney here for relief of the famine yonder ; 
and on Friday Lord G. Hamilton, in the Commons, 
brought in the Bill, Both the MABtmis or Saxisbuey 
and his Under-Secretary described the magnitude of the 
calamity, the measures taken, defended Lorb Nobth- 
B book's non-interference with exiH>rts, admitted there 
had been some delay in the organisation of transport, 
but believed that all delk'iencies were now being supplied, 
and that not only the Qovemor-General, hut ©very 
Indian olhcial, from highest to lowest, wa« bending^ 
his utmost enerpes to the performanoe of his duty at^ 
this terrible crisis. 

The loan would be raised without an English guaran — 
tee, and though it is hopf^d that only four millions ane^^ 
a hklf will he needed for famine outlay, ten millions wiLl^ 
be raised so as to leave more than the widest margricsi 
between hoi>ea and fears* Roads and Irrigation Work -^m 
are the best securities against famine, and these wil—^ 
be forwarded with the utmof^t energy. 

As soon after the close of the financial year as poaBibL<^e 
will come the Battle of the Budget ! 

There ought to he no lack of spirit in our Essence theis- • 
Given five miUion surplus. Rmuired, to keep the flii 
from the sugar ! (See otir Initial.) 

The Royal C^iramission on the laws relating to Em. 
ployers and Employed, includes the weighty names 
the LoBD Chtbf Justice, Lord Winhableigh (tran9 — 
lation int'O Peerish of Coloxzl Wii^hok Patten), Mbc^- 
Bouvebie (the candid friend), the Recordee of Lox'po?*' « 
8iR Montaotte Smith (of the Judicial Committee of tha^ 
Privy Council,) Mr. Roebuck and MB.GoLDifEr (M.P."*^ 
for Sheffield and Chippenham), Mb. Macd<dnali>* 
M.P* for Stafford {Workin|c-man's Repre8ent4itive),aii.di 
Me, T, Hcghks (Working-man's ^* parent, ipuide. 
philosopher, and friend^'). This is surely a Committed 
of whose composition no reasonable man, working or 
other, can complain, though Mb. G. Pottee *ior« denounce 
Messes. Macdoptald and Huohes as ** traitors to th« 
cause of the Working-man,*' That is only "pretty 
Po tter' a way." 

Chubp Justice Cockbuen has written to inform !h« 
House that he has oommitted one of its Members— Me* 
WHAXUBt — for contempt. Ma, Whaixet has already I 
oommitted himself so often to, if not for^ mmf^^mrrt of ' 
Court, Commons, and all sensible people, t' n;^ ' 

almost superliuouB to refer the case to a m- 

mittee. SIe. Whallet asked for a Committee ol 
Privileges, but as that includes, as the Bpeaceb 
plained, all ** knights of the shire, all gentlemen ^ 
long robe, and all the merchants in the Hoi 
might have proved tco large a body to deal even v, .::: 
privileges of as big an— weU, let us say "individual 
as Mb. Whallet* 


Diiit-4>ui€nif'd Cahhy (to Ladies, v^ko^ wtxhiti^ to (fd rid 0/ Uieir small cftanget have tendered him one fourptnuiji plcce^ hco thrccpntnn ditta, 
Ofwpeuntf^ ane hal/pf^nny^ mul lim/arlkiu^$ — (4* sum total amoutUitig to his proper fare), ** Wkll f *ow long uigot ybr iiOTti A* beiin ji 
Savin' up for xats Ltrnji Thsat!" 

(A Song qf Othtr Daj^g. By Oitr City Hemetnhi'ancer^) 

TnEHB was a song called ** Oyitera, Sir I ** wMch our fair youn^ 

ladies s\mg 
Lonff time tkgo^ fc* Aldennan, in the days wlien you were yomig ; 
fiirOysterB, Sir, were «ioh common things they were cried about 

the itreet. 
Chetp food whicn the I^ondon populace could afford the meanfl to eat. 

Ah, those were the good old coaching daya^ these railway times 

Oysters here, there, and erery where there were no trains then that 

And then a dozen of Oysters, Sir» you know, and a pint of stont^ 
For supper or lunch were thouglkt to be a reasonable blow-out. 

Oytt^a-s^ Sir, native Oysters cost five shillinga a barrel, then ; 
But Oysters, Sir,— why, of Oysters, Sir, a barrel is now twice ten. 
And a dozen amount to hajf-a-crown as across the counter sold. 
Why 'tis eating money is Oysters, Sir ! Why *tis almoat eating 

Oystem, Sir, yes, and beef, Sir, of both yon oould once partake 

At small expense, when your Oyster- sauoe was companion to your 

But frmr beef, Sir, now, and your Oysters, Sir, together so dear 

have grown, 
Thxj loon, except to a millionnaire, will be luxuries quite tm- 


You hear much talk of the People's rise in the mental and moral 

Bat tlit» riae in the People's Oysters, Sir, la a fact we roust all 


French Homoeopathy. 

Imtesial France went mad^ and rushed into war with Germany^ 
The Bonapartist Demonstration at Chiaelhurst is ^iven out aa fore- 
tokening the restoration of the Empire. This will be taking more 
than ^^ a hair of the dog that bit you,*' — taking his A«iV, m the 
person of Phincb Jxns. 

The Lateat Muaicoi* 

Last Thursday a brilliant and crowd id audience gave a cheery 
welcome to Mb. Abthtb Sullivan's new Oratorio, The Light of the 
World, It ia sufficient for Punch to quote the Laureate, and say, 
*" Our AkTUua kept his best until the last/' 


I. R. B. writes from Alderahot, a Pi^opoE of our last week's 
Cartoon, to know where the Eideman is r He himself suggests the 
answer — * Undercover* of course. . . , . Or so far in the front as to 
be invisible from our artist's point of view* 



[Mabch 28, 1874. 


From our Wante-paper Batket. 


KEP in dead-let tets 
IThere buried we 

W<ite us not up 
Let t±ie dead dio!" 

From the brinimed 
Eeaido Punches 
Could slied Icares ask 

Suoh w^e the 
praj'er I 

01 your shot rubbish, 
AE»k xiQ returns : 
Kind ftid cremation 
Waste-paper bums, 



By our new and specially e^igaged Sporting Correspondent^ whose 
signature is appetidcd. 

Undoubtedly, Sir, I am Koing to supply a want— a want really felt 
by the majority of your readers. The void thus hinted at is ** Sporting 
News " generally, and no better opportunity could have oc< 
for starting this idea than the great annual inter-University 

There is a tide in the affairs of man which, if taken at Putney 
Bridge, there or thereabouts, and at the right moment, will land 
you at Mortlake. 

From this incidental quotation you will see that I know all about 
it, and can be at once poetic, prosaic, romantical, and matter-of- 
factical, but always sporting. 

For a long time, it is true, you had nothing for me to do— which 
lends itself to a rhyme — 

For a time, it is true, 
I had nothing to do — 

(You see my facility for this sort of thing, produced, I assure you, 
without the slightest study, and warranted genuine— no connection 
with anyone who has said it before) and I was always trying to 
impress the value of my servioes on the Common-sense Department 
at Mr, Punches head-quarters. 

I reminded the authorities that when these pages were adorned 
by the writings of the Ghreat ** Fat Ck>ntributor,'' yon still had room 
for " A Spare Man." 

I am that Spare Man. 

The spare man in the sx>are place. I am only a few inches round 
the waist, and mj average weight is under eleven stone. 

The Examination I paroed at your Office, to prove myself qualified^ 
did prove it, and on the replies to such questions as to 

Which is the Stroke ? 

Which is the Bow? 

Does Bow ever pull Stroke, and rice versa ? 

—I say, in answering these, I came off triumphantly. 

The advantage which my size and figure give me over all other 

Sporting Corresjrandents, is marvellous, ana my expertness (some 

" " , , , , , . .. •" without the 

my long 

^ , me Aardy, 

nervous, dexterous, and untrappable. 
So wishing to give my readers the very best poniUe infonoation 

with reeard to the coming race, in order that they may not put their 
money-bags on the wrong norse, I made'an appointment with a trust- 
worthy spy (a " creature " of mine), and conveniently posted myself 
in order to receive an answer bv return. It isn't often that a man 
is able to post himself, but I did, and what is more, did not get into 
the wrong box. 

From information I received, I went down to Chiswick. 

When at Chiswick, somebody in reply to a very simple auestion 
on my part, said to me rather roughly, '* Oh ! go to Putney i " 

And so taking the hint, as, at all events, welTintentioned, I went 

Do you know the Bushes on the bank P I don't mean the " Ugly 
Bushes " which occur when the crowd is in motion, but the pretty 
rushes, the rushes which '* green grow. 0." and so forth ? 

Well, that was my hiding-place. I don t mind saying so now that 
all is past— I mean the boats have passed, and my report is finished. 

I was at first surprised to iind that there were twelve people in 
the ei^ht-oared boat, but I subsequently discovered that I 'a been 
watching a scratch crew from I/)ndon. Very unfair to eome out 
twelve to eight, but owing to my whispered instructions to the 
Coxen (I mean the steerer, but he is called the Coxen] the Oxford 
men were able to hold their own. 

The Oxford Crew has improved every day ^ and I reaUy am inclined 
to think that unless anything should happen of sufficient importance 
to upset the calculations into which I carefully entered on uiis day, 
Oxford may be very safely backed. What I say is, put the pot on, 
{Given from the Rushes^ Monday evening, '2'Srd March,) 

Tuesday, 24.— Take the pot off again. The state of the betting 
yesterday as regards Oxford, was certainly "Polly put the kettle 
on," but to-day the next line comes in and says, "Polly take it off 

Of course I would never let any private friendly feeling interfere 
with business, but the Coxen of the Cambridge boat has some of the 
best cigars I 've ever smoked. Where he gets them I don't know, 
but he has promised me a case full. I dined early, and (not being 
in training) freely, mixing my little extra go of Thomas Toddy in 
order to keep the cold out. Having taken all that was necessary as 
a preservation from drowning — (I always do this when 1 'm going near 
the water, because prevention is better than cure ; and if they give 
any number of glasses of hot brandy to a man after he 's hauled out 
half drowned, why not take that quantity beforehand, and thus 
ensure safety by anticipation ?) — well, as I was saying, having taken 
all that was necessary, I sallied forth to see the crew. It was with 
great difficulty that I did see the crew— I supTwse on account of the 
fog, or mist, on the river. When, however, I caught a glimpse of 
them, it seemed to me that there were sixteen men in each boat— a 
strain which I am sure the tight little craft could not bear. If they 
must have spare men (like myself), why take 'em out in the same 
boat, and at the same time ? 

They seemed, too (and I speak impartially of both crews, and 
partially, also, from notes made on the spot, and from recollection}, 
to be rowing very unsteadily. They were swaying about, and their 
oars going in anyhow. 

From the bank I remonstrated with them, and explained, with 
my umbrella, in pantomime, ** how it 's done." 

I suppose my energy led me to make a false step, as I have been 
subseauently mformea that I was dragged out of the water by two 
amiable bargees (whom, at all events, 1 have had to pay handsomely 
for the service), brought home, and put to bed. It is most fortunate 
I was not drowned : but that I attribute entirelyto my having so 
closely observed a distinguishing jwrtion of the Humane Society's 
rules about the treatment of drowning i>ersons in regard to liquor, 
as mentioned above. 

Thinking it over so far, I say, have no hesitation. Put the pot 
on. Cambridge does the trick. S. m, 

Wednesday Morning,— {Latest InteWgence,)-'k& you publish to- 
day, of course I can only go up to the last moment. 1 saw 'em 
this morning. (The Oxford Coxen has got some ffood cigars, too, 
by the way. But I never allow personal friendship to pnyodioe 
business.) Take the pot off again, and hold on. 

My offer of a double crew by way of a trial trip was aooepted. I 
wanted to arrive at what exactly were the odds. Evidently, if I 
could get three eights all at once to row cither University crew, it 
would be easily arrived at. If eight men in one boat can beat twenty- 
four men in three boats, what 's the odds P But I needn't go into 
this simple question of the very a h c oi Arithmetic, and x yz ci 

If my orews hadn't behaved like idiots, coming down thez€ merely 
to dine with me, and going back by train, I should have been able to 
tell my readers something this morning (m confidence), whioh would 
have made a fortune for the gent wot runs and reads between the 
lines. By the way, reading between the linos is a very dsjigeroos 
amusement: I don't advise anyone to try it with a Msgaaine, or a 
Newspaper, in his hands, at Clapham Junction. 

But there can hardly be a question as to the results, any nu»e 
there can be as to a little bit of private Sporting Intelligsnoe i 

March 28, 1874] 



I will give yoa next week, and which, if acted upon, will make cent. 

r*T cent, for the clever people, and put the knowing ones in the cart. 
can imagine a knowing one, who must be uncommonly sorry now, 
that he ever let himself beput into a carie ; meaning Mb. j£Air Luis. 
But, there, we 'ye had quite enough of that. 

I was told by a Trainer that I ought to have seen the Cambridge 
Crew in their swinff. I replied that I really did not care about 
witnessing their childish amusements in recreation time, but wished 
only to consider them in their business hours. The idea of these 
athletes in a swinja: ! — absurd. He smiled. I smiled. I mention this 
to show how not for pne minute would I depart from my professional 
duties to yon, to my readers, and to my country. 

My finil vaccination (as Mbs. Ramsbotham would have said), 
without prejudice, or wishing to hurt the feelings of either party 
(including tae Lo&d Ma yob, who has not asked me to dine, but no 
matteri^-I say my final yaticination, put into a perfectly unobjec- 
tionable, though questionable form, is this \— 

Which Crew rows dark ? 

The evident answer to this, the intelligent Thinkist will see at a 
glance, and ^prill spot as 

Thb Wivkeb 

mentioned, and backed, down to a teni)enny nail, by 

The Spabb Man. 


WOOD-BLOCK writes to know 
whether the mincij>al diMcultj 
of the Dutch in Sumatra is 
not like that of the wood en- 
graver, " Cross 'Atchin'." 


Of course King Coffee 
loomed large in the Address! 
Poor Catxalli— his sufferinffs 
at the loss of his Umbrella 
would bo bitlorlv aggravated 
if he could read the awful 
amount of imbecile jokes 
cracked on his head, by Mi\ 
Punches Correspondents. 

We can imagine few more 
terrible punishments for his 
Ashanteo Majesty, had he been 
captured in Coomassie, than 
to be i)illoried and pelted with 
tho bad puns he has pro- 
voked ! 

We are inclined to think 
that if the prospect of this fate 
were clearly impressed on the Ashantee monarch, it might restrain 
him from future aggressions, far more effectively than the Treaty 
Sib Garnet has sent him for ratiiication. 


Spring has returned with scrupulous punctuality. The first 
flowers are emerging from the bosom of the earth in our front and 
back gardens, the first leayes are tinting landscape and lawn with 
their emeraldine hues. There is, in the absence of a searching wind, 
and when it does not freeze or snow, a balmy breath in the air, which 
fltin the sap and the blood of the younjc* quickens the languid circu- 
lation of those who are adyanced in life, and affects cyen middle- 
aged persons with an undefinable feeling of satisfaction. 

The dark days of Winter are gone with the pantomime and the 
pudding of Yule-tide, the sun rises at 5*43 a.m., the gates of 
Kensington Gardens remain open until half -past six in the gradually 
lengthening eyenings. 

Many notable anniyersaries recur with sunshine, and the~song'*of 
birds, and the sweet breath of yiolets, and delicate portionsJIof 
roasted lamb. There is the day which law and lon^-established 
nsaffe haye for ages appropriated to pecuniary transactions between 
landlord and tenant ; there is the day, the initiatory one of the 
ooming month, from which the spread of refinement and the exer- 
tions oi the London School Board naye not yet succeeded in banish- 
ing the ^nerally harmless, but always irrational, practice of 
stnltifioation : and there is that great annual festiytd. which the 
Caleiidar of the Church, the fiat of the Legislation, and tne adaman- 

tine traditions of countless generations^ haye all alike conspired to 
recognise as a welcome pause from toil and labour, industry and 
commerce, and all scholastic and official employments and duties. 

But. perhaps, no anniyersary of all those which ait this season we 
look for with the certainty of the morning post and the eyening 
papMsr, is marked with a stone of more alban whiteness, than the 
periodical eyent which the sure footfall of time once more brings 
round to us, on the last day of this Uie last whole week in March ; 
the eyent which is eagerly discussed on the snow-capped summits 
of the frowning Himalayas, forms the subject of pecuniary wagers 
in the remote isolation oi the Falkland Islands, ana brinffs Putney 
and ICortlake yiyidly before the eye of the lonely wanderer amid 
the blue lagoons of the far Pacdfio— the Uniyersity Boat-Race. 

The Boat-Race I It is difficult to restrain within proper bounds 
the desire that instinctiyely arises when ve are under the influence 
of the spell which these magic words awakens, to treat the subject 
in all its branching ramifications ; it is wellni^ impossible eyen to 
glance at the many and diversified topics which the mere mention 
of this great annual aquatic struggle calls up in the breast of the 
most thoughtless and unreflecting person. 

We might transport o\ir readers in imagination to the days when 
galley and trireme stoutly contended on the proud waters of the 
classic ^gean, and the pocan was sung, ana the ode of yiotory 
swelled up to the topmost Acroccraunian peaks, in praise and honour 
of the parsley-crowned victors. Wemight trace back the history 
of our twin venerable Universities to the dawn of learning which 
broke on the night of the dark ages, and to the grand old scholars 
whose figures loom dimly amid the revival of letters. We might 
follow the course of the sinuous Thames, with all its memories and 

associations and locks, from its first sedgy cradle among the springs 
^d spires of Gloucestershire, past peopled towns and walled cities, 
pleasant lawns and terraccd_gardens, past Hammersmith Bridge and 

Chiswick £yot, the Soap Works and the Oil Mills, Comey Keach 
and Craven Cottage, tiU it loses its bright entity in the embrace 
of the immeasurable sea. We might depict the crowded highway, 
and describe the still more crowded^railway ; contrast the coroneted 
teer, with his shield of many quarterings, whose ancestors fought 
at Cressy, whose progenitors fell at roictiers, with the eager 
mechanic from Clerkenwell, or the sturdy bricklayer's assistant from 
the neighbourhood of Mile End; and compare the grey-headed 
Incumbent, who has never failed, through twenty-two chequered 
years, to come up from his secluded parish in North WDts, to gaze 
on tho tumultuous scene, and touch once more the hands of old 
college companions, with the buoyant and boisterous youth still in 
the golden glow of a Freshman's happy inexperience. 

We might, we say, enlarge on these and many other similar 
tempting themes ; and we tear ourselves reluctantly away from the 
lines of thought on which the mind is even now swiftly journeying, 
awakened by old memories and stirred by equally ancient associa- 
tions, to offer a parting wish that the twenty-eitnth instant may be fine 
and fair, unattended by snow, unaccompanied by ice ; that tidal exi- 

?encies may not compel the contest to take place at 8 a.m. ; that the 
.ORD Mayor may be persuaded to remain in office, should Oxford 
have the temerity to win ; and, lastly, but certainly not leastly, 
that Her Royal Ilighness the Duchess of Edoburqh— who, we are 
certain, will impartially wear both colours — may on Saturday be 
induced to pay ttie first of a long series of pleasant visits to the 
Oxford and Cambridge Boat-Race. 


AsnANTi troops were no mean foes 
For British warriors to oppose. 
It seems they stoutly held their own 
With smooth-bore guns, and slugs of stone, 
What, if their weapons had, instead, 
Been oreech-charged rifles, cartridge-fed ? 
And what if Science yield these arms. 
Hereafter, to barbaric swarms ? 
This moto to trouble the mind's eye 
May; nrove a big fact by-and-by ; 
Which to prevent we means must plan, 
Or have to meet as best we can. 

<<The Black Watch." 

Thb Black Watoh will go night and day. 

The Black Watch can be depended upon in any climate. 

The Black Watch always keeps time. 

The Black Watch is never out of gear. 

The Black Watch wants no ** winding up." 

The Black Watch can be warranted for any period. 



Ftutrhuating Widow, "Now, that wk abb alone, Mu. SiLVKUxoNorK, and likely to echaik Undistitrbm) for AKt3THiR Half- 

UOVII oil HO, I HAVK A \TEBY GREAT FAVOUR TO A8K OF YOU V Amateur VoCaUst, ** FeAY— r«.4r DO V* 


[Mn^Jt JtatUred, the gifUd warhUr compUcn^ and tUtte dreams thtU the fair qtus $oh object in gcUing him to sing is to escape J n^n the 
tedium of his cmtvcrsation. 


(Port^tnonih, 3Ifirch 20//i, 1874.) 

Flino, Portsmoutk, fliDg yoiir buntiog widei froni window, yard, 

and mast I 
Cheer TrainiDg-Bhip and Flag-sHp, aa tke Jiomeward-bound steam 

past ! 
From St. Vincent^ and from Victory t and Weliington come well 
These cheers that of warm welcome home from hard-fought battlea 


What if it ba but four months since we cheered you out of port P 
What if you *re but a haiidf ul» though all of the right sort r* 
What if your foes were niggers, your campaign aa abort aa sharp ? 
What if ribalds chaff KiXQ Coffek, and at Ainoaf ul carp P 

We have seen in that small compass of time, and fight and men. 
As good work done as e'er was done, or will be done again : 
As much head and heart in leaders, pluck and pith in rank and Me, 
As ever won renown for deeds of grander soala and style. 

You had to face worse foemen than Ashantee's huge array, 

Whose slugs rained on you from the bush through which you fought 

your way ; 
You nad mightier kings to conquer, stronger cities to bum down, 
Than Coffer, throned in blood and gold, and foul Coomaasie town. 

You had to face the Pestilence that lurks in brake and bush, 
Athwart Malaria's swamp-fenced foroe your reoonnaissance push ; 
King Fever and King Dvsentery and King Death, their liege Lord, 
Withstood you on your landing, and followed you aboard. 

* Twos Mrtc's clime you hod to quell, and tame her soil of death, 
Strongholds of swamp to conquer where ' tis poison to draw breatbp 

Foes, these, that ask more pluck to face than armies bUok or white, 
Victories, tneae, which bring not the Gazette to crown the tight. 

*Twaa discipline as well as dash that caiTied you along, 
A gallant handfuL white to blacky tens to ten thousands strong ; 
Thanks to a good ueod over you^ and good hearts under Ami, 
The star of England's honour in your guard not once waxed dim ! 

With joy, we bid those home again we grieved to send away : 
All England swells the welcome which Portsmouth speaks to- 
day ; 
God bless you, gallant red-coats, and blue-jackets, one and all, 
StLU ready to go anywhere, do aught, at Duty's call ! 

Old England's soirit is not dead. It is not like to die 

While over yon bronzed faces the old Ilag tlaunts the akjr ; 

And 'tis Old England's blood that speaks in warmth of heart and 

To welcome back her war- worn sons, once more, to England's strand I 

A Beaaon— with a Difference. 

Amoko the other *' Claimants " determined on trying their ohanoes 
of a grab at the surplus, are the Eailway Directors, who are organ- 
ising a moyement to free them from the Duty on Passengers. Tliere 
is one ground for the demand we haTe not yet seen stated, that the 
Directors have already freed themselves from most of their Duties fo 


A CoREiea^ONDKNT writes to suggest a shorter title for the widely- 
advertised " Gladstone Bag "— ** the Sack ! " 







^ Mabch 28, 1874.] 




AVE we not read, how "When 

Groek meots Greek, then comes 

the tup of war " P The cose is 

fy bimilar when ** Black 

Watch ^ 

niLCts Niggers. 


** Co'sKRVATivE Soaj)" is ad- 
vertised, but we arc in ignorance 
as to the manner in which it 
operates on the human frame. 
Most likely, thiTC are inbtructions 
sold with each i»aekot, showing 
us how to absorb our political 
opinions through the pores of the 
I fikin. Testimnnials, too, we should 
expect to iind enclosed in the 
wrapper— from Whigs of many 
yeaxsr standing, stating that, 
after half-a-dozen applications, 
they found the^piselves quite 
reattj to support tlie present 
Ministry ; or from some uncom- 
uromiaing Radical, announcing 
his complete purilication from 
, the last trace of his old opimon.s, 
u Iht^ happy result of a month s )H.'rsev6ring washing. But one 
little difH(!ulty seems to present itself. Take a man who is, fond 
of hiij ^* Glycerine," or *' iTonev," and in the liabit of consuming it 
in large quantities— how would it l>e possible for him to make a 
Liberal us-e of *' Conservative " soap "r 


(As rvad by PnUic not Royal Couuuissioii.) 

Mt LoBns AXD Gextlkm>:x, 

The assembling of a new Parliament, the three hundred 
and thirty-fifth since the Wittenagemot was first established by our 
Saxon prng-enitors, resuscitates many recollect iims of the eventful 
pant, awakens more speculations as to the interesting^ present, and 
project?! piercing glances into the dark and uncertain tuture. 

Perhaps, however, no question, not even that of the disposal of 
the Sur[ilus Uevenue, is of more absorbing interest ft»r you, who 
meet timther to-day six weeks later than the time usually 
appointed for the initiation of the deliberations of the Xationa'l 
legislature, than the inquiry—which I have been in daily expecta- 
tion of Rc<>ing a numerous and influential deputation waiting on the 
Psi^K Misj!iTEn to proiwund, whether a Session only commencing in 
the middle of March will not be pndonged into »September. Such 
distressing apiirehensions are not altogether unnatural ; but I am 
oonHdent that in your calmer moments you will feel with me that a 
Conserrativc Government could not commit such a fatal error as to 
abridge by a single dav the time which, by the wisdom of your 
anceatorSj has been rigidly set apart for the pursuit and destruction 
of feathert'd game. Your mind set at rest on this important i)oint, 
Tou will be able to give your serious and undivided attention to the 
DuainesB of legislation. 

Gkktlemen of thk House of Commons, 

A large proportion of your number tind yourselves within 
thete historic precincts for the lirst time in your lives. Most of 
you will nt^ver seek to catch the Si'Eakeu's eye; some will become 
liresome bares; and many will give complete dissatisfaction to 
deluded and angry constituencies. 

The Kbtimates which will be laid before you must, I imagine, in 
the main be those which the late Administration had the satisfaction 
of preparing for their successors. 

_ itiLny sanguine and silly persons seem to e.\i)ect that the good old 
tjni6K of waste and extravagance, pnifusion and prodigality, are 
about to return ; and that coals and butchers' meat ^ill be lower, 
WW14 rmd aalaricB higher, because a Conservative Ministry has buc- 
oemd to power. 1 rathur suspect they will be disappointed. 

I cannnt give an opinion as to the manner in whiok the Govem- 
ment intend to dispose of the handsome legacy, amounting to 
aeveral millions, bequeathed to Uiem by their predecessors. Envy, 
nerer at any time a dominant passion in my oreast when I think 
id the wnmXt is certainly not now the fueling 1 entertain towards 
tibe CBM^OKixoB OF THi: KscuKgiEK, expcctod, as he is, to please 
w cIebm*, and eapecialLy that large and important section of the 
•upfKirters of the Ministry who are hwking for the abolition of the 
Dnty on Malt ; to Bay nothing of the Deer interest, the Railway 

interest, the Advocates of a Free Breakfast table, the Oj^ponents of 
the Income Tax, and all the other interests which consider them- 
selves entitled to the lion's share of any surplus there may be. 

My Lords and Gestlemj»', 

You are anxious to know what is likely to be the course of 
this Session's legislation. Smooth, I imagine, but beyond hazarding 
that conjecture I am imable to assist you with a surmise. The 
Prime Minister since he kissed hands, has wisely given us no 
inkling, or i>en and inkliufi", of his policy ; and the time that has 
elapsed since he was cheered by the far-seeing crowd on the railway 
platform at Windsor has been insuflicient for the nrapaiationof any 
important measures— unless with a sure foresi^^'ox recent events, 
he has employed his leisure, in the recess, in devising such sohemes as 
shall satisf ynhe nation, delight the Party of which he is the leader, 
and confirm the allegiance of the Licensed Yiotuallers, the rural 
C-ler^y, and the Retail Tradesmen. Fortunately, the prospect of a 
Session of trantiuil reiMjse cannot be repugnant to a House of 
Commons, the majority of whose Members owe their Parliamentary 
being to constituencies which appear to be weary of the ferment of 
legislative activity, and to desire a season of political hibernation. 

Looking, however, a little into the future, it is not impossible 
that great surprises may be in store for us all. Her Majesty's 
Ministers may before lon^ resolve that the time has come when the 
Established Church of England and Wales must submit to some 
diminution of her ixiwers, privileges, and emoluments ; tliat the 
Game Laws are a barbarous relic of feudal times calling for 
instant abolition ; that a bold and comprehensive measure for the 
Municipal Government of the entire Metropolis has been too long 
neglected and delayed ; that Education, to be of any real sernce, 
should bo compulsi)ry, undenominational, and universal ; that the 
Agricultural Labourer in the counties has an equal claim to the 
Franchise with the Hrieklayer*s Labourer in the towns; that 
Economy and Retrenchment are the onlv mottoes a Conservative 
bann«T should unfold ; that the laws regulating the inheritance and 
settlement of will prnperty demand a toorough revision; and that 
the most stringent aetionmust be taken, no matter what powerful 
antagonism is an)used, to control the vice of inebriety and all its 
accompanying evils. Should a Conservative ^linistry bring forward 
measures framed to accomplish these or similar ends, there can be 
little doubt that its Parliamentary supporters will siKjedily sec their 
way to acquiescing in the propriety of their proposals. 

It does not appear likely that your attention will be invited to any 
legislation affecting the trade and manufactures of this great com- 
mercial country, seeing that the Minister on whom the care of these 
vast and momentous interests devolves is not allowed a seat in the 

If the Government tliink it their policy and their duty to direct 
your attention to Sanitary IjCgislation, the commonhealth of England 
cannot fail to be largely benefited. The Minister whose province it 
would be to prepare plans of such serious importance to the national 
welfare has also the disadvantage of not being a member of the 
Cabinet ; but as the duties of the Ix)rd Privy Seal are neither exten- 
sive nor onerous, that ornamental functionary will, I hope, be utilised 
for the introduction of Bills of Health into the House of Lords. 

It now only remains for me to express my earnest hoi)e that you 
will generally l)e diligent in tlie discharge of your important 
functions, ana that those of you who have never as yet paid the 
slightest attention to politics, will at once commence that interesting 
study ; that none of you will attempt to speak imless you have 
something really worth hearing to say ; that you will all be as 
satisfied with yourselves at the close of your labours as you arc now, 
before you have heard the sound of a Division bell, or listened to 
the Siren voice of the ** Whip ; " and that, whilst invested with 
legislative responsibilities, you wiU bo always on the watch to 
resist the first insidious approaches of unseemly and undignified 

Bad Vewa for Travellers. 

A CoxiEMroBARY cstimatcs that " a quarter of the Ix^gislaturc " 
is composed of Railway Directors. Rather a bad look-out this, wc 
apprehend, for those who hope for accident -preventing legislation. 
If any Railway Reform Bill is introduced m Pai'liament. we may 
feel certain that a quarter of the Hoiuic, at any rate, will give no 
quarter to the Bill. 

In a Nut-SheU. 

"Mj&. H. W. Starlet, suthor of JJuw I fouNd ZiriMf^tonef is likely to 
be first in the field of uU the Special Curruspuadcnta with his experience* of 
the Ashantec Ciimpaign.** — renny-a-'UHer* * Paragraph. 

PuKCU*8 Anticipatory Review of this remarkably early work,— 
" Soon ripe, soon rotten." 



[March 28, 1874. 



74 i. *• Nick Speikg Mobkiko, Me, Jakxr \ Takin' it Eabi ? " 

Afr. Janus {'* Libn^l Party"*), ** 'MoRNiNn, Mr. Robewt\*'— {Languid fi/,)—** An, if you'd a* had Fitk Years o' Horfick, 



Teb Gun Club is annouiieed to meet, for its openiiig day, oe 
Saturday the twenty -eighth instant— the aay of tie Oifordand Cam- 
bridge Boat Race. Mr* Ohton', of course, will be unable to aasiBt. 
The Oun Ciub^ everj^one knows, ia an association for ehooting tame 
pigeons. Ia not tbis sport itself rather tame in oompBtrison, not, 
mJeed, with hattue- shooting, which in even tamer than pigeon- 
shooting, but with shooting which may be classed among the wild 
sports of the Soi^th-West, and whereof an instance is presented by 
a local Hammhire paper, in part of a column of news under the 
heading of **Kom»ey?^' Ia not Broadiands near Eomsey ; stands 
there not in Romsey a statue of Loed Palmebston, beaides the old 
Abbey Church: and is there not, therefore, mora to be said of 
Romsey than that it is called by the older inhabitants of the neigh- 
bouring distrieta *'Romsey on the Mud?^* Note, further, that, 
in the language of those parts, ** TTave you been to liomsey ?** is a 

i' ocular, and sometimes an irritating question. There is beer at 
lomsey ; the beer is good and strong ; at least, it used to be : the 
Romsey road might be straight, but the homeward walk thereon 
was often devious » At, or connected with liomaey, there appears to 
be a sort of minor and rustical Gun Club, and, in the paragraph 
ftbore referred to, the exploits of some, perhaps, of its members are 
recorded as below* It is not oertain tnat the gentlemen described 
aa ** a few friends " are (Quakers :— 

"SPAJUiow Shootiico,— Oa Wednesday allemoon a few Mends met to 
■boot oflTtwo or three matchea at sparrowi, ai well as leTeral ive^pttakea, at 
Loekerlev* The day wa» bitterly cold^ and the betting ranged very much in 
fuTOur of the bird«^ as many got away. 

At any rat© the betters in fayoor of the birds were, as many birds 
^ away, by bo many birds the winners. But the fact to be noted 
IB, that many of the birds did get away. In the case of pigeon- 
shooing oomparatiYoly few birds get away. Herein lies Uie dis- 
tinetiYe ditferenoe between the Gun Club which shot ipanows at 
Loekerley and that whioh shoots pigeons at Wormwood ScruDbs. 8par- 

rowB are smaller than pigeons ; and being, moreover, wild sparrows, 
they afford all the wilder sport— as many of them get away. 60, 
therefore, would not the Nobility and Gentry of the Gun Club (now 
minm Orton) do a comparatively spt>rtsmanlike thing if they would, 
for the future, take to shooting at sparrows instead of pigeons ? Ii 
many of the sparrows got away, they would have tested tne shooter^s 
skill ; as for tnose which did not get away, so much higher would be 
the sport of shooting them. 


It appears that, for the disastrous service imposed on the Special 
Jury in the mouBter Orton trial, who, consisting of oommeroial 
men, were forced ruinously to neglect their business, the Lords of 
the Treasury have decided on allowing those unfortunate gentlemen 
a compensation, to use a word ironically, of not more tn^i three 
hundred ^lineas each. We congratulate Sm Stapfokd Northcote 
on following the Lowe example set by his predecessor of cheese- 
paring memory. It is all very weU for the Jury, at news of such 
inadequate payment for their unparalleled expenditure of time and 
pains, to exclaim^ through their Foreman — What the Dickins ! '* 
AM persons liable t« serve on juries are liable to be sacrificed in 
respect of their incomes, if mereantQe or professional, for their 
ooimtrv*B good. Of course the poor Public cannot afford the inlini- 
tesimal contribution requisite to pay individuals for their loss oi 
time. Individuals must make up their minds for niin. as for 
death, when the lot falls on them to suffer for the oomm unity at 
large, without bx)king for amends which would cost its membets 
severally a fraction of a fraction of a farthing. He that objects to 
thus becoming a victim to Society would likewise be as selnth asd 
unpatriotic as to complain of being selected to be eaten by his oottntry- 
men in a community of cannibals. Nevertheless, it would be a 
convenienoe if there were instituted a Jury Insurance Company, in 
which people in danger of being summoned to serve on Juries 
might insure their means of living against that calamity. 



Mabgh 2S, 1874.] 


StmU Pt^rtjf (to hintKl/}, •* ITm ! UyDBB, or Ovmr!— that k the QtnBBTfOV I * 


The weather on Sunday last week was quite mild. So, comparatively, was a 
Fenian Amnesty Demonstration » held in Hyde Park* Government was told 
that, if the Fenian prisoncT^ were pardoned,, they would emigrate^ and give 
no more trouble. Nothing stronger appears to have come of the meeting than a 
Resolution representing * * That the continued detention of forty tioUtical prisoners, 
who were only subordinatea in the Fenian movement, the leaaerB of wnioh have 
been let free, is inconsistent and unstJit4?8manlike, and that this meeting 
WfpcOtfuUy requests the Right Hon, Bekjamin Dishakli, First Ix)rd of the 
Tteworyf to use his inilaenoe with Hee Majesty to extend the lioyal preroga- 
tiv© in favmu' of an amnesty to these suifering men," Now, reallv this is a 
requeatf almost a aupplioation, oouehed in language very much like tliat which 
infant xietitioners are rt commended to use when they are told to ** speak pretty.** 
But is this uncommonly modeat petition founded on fact f Is it true that the 
Fenitiu ravens have heen let go, and that only the Fenian Doves remain caged, 
and in penal servitude? Ii so, perhana the Right Honoujahle BfiKJiLMiw 
DiH&AJiu may indeed see reason to think that continued rigour towards the 
dares is neither conaiatent with the lenity which haa been extended to the 
niTen«, nor exactly statesmanlike. 

It ifl remarkable that, in the march of the Fenian Amnesty procession to 
ITvde Park, it was joined by the members of several Temperance Societies, 
wno, with their bands and banners, fell into it in Trafalgar Square. This 
Temperance infusion, unlike tea, as it operates at moat tea-meetLugs, seems to 
have had the very unusual effect of inducing temperate lan^age. Perhaps the 
Fenian Amnesty question had alread v been discussed once by its promoters, taking 
counsel twice, according to the riue referred to in Tristram ahandv, eiter the 
manner of the ancient Seythians. Having, previously to Sunday, deliberated 
on it in a state of potheen, perhaps they met to consider it again on Sunday in a 
condition of sobriety. 

The musical element, of which there is generally a liberal allowance in a 
Hyde Pork demonatration, appears to have entered rather more largely than 
usual into this last one. The reporters note that when the meeting broke up, the 
bands played its various sections off the ground to the tunes of *' 6V>rf iSVir* 
Ireland^*' **i?ory O^Moore^^^ and '* Garry Owen^ Theiie roelodioua and har- 
monious ^rformances may have been me^mt to signify prof esrions of oonoord, 
and to claim credit for the demonstration, as the very reverse of the man who 
hath no music in his soul, described by SEAKSPlEAmii:. If that man is fit for 

treasons, those other men, whose souls are musical, ought 
to be loyal -minded. Can it be that, possibly, they 
intended thus to i)rof6Bs themselves ? Benunoiation m 
** Home^Eule " might perchanoe have the effect of dis- 
posing ears to listen to the protestation of the Fenian 
prisoners that, if their treason were forgiven them this 
once, they would never do_so any more. 


(ManchesUr v. SL DumiTs*) 

Two Bishops have spoke 

On the Indian Famine. 
May Punch leave his joke, 

Bather charge to examine? 

One is Manchester's, noted 

For sense and disoemiog ; 
One St. David's, devoted 

To logto and leandng. 

Punch feels the less prest 
His free comment to blench, 

As both B.s are the beet 
Of the bunoh— that is — BemdL 

BiSHor Frazeh represses 

AH private donation ; 
Since to fight such distress h 

The worK of the nation. 

*' To make the State heedful, 

All Charity chill ; 
As we can*t give what's needful, 

We *d better give — ml! " 

ThlrIiWAll holds thi^t we merit 

The blessing of Heaten^ 
Less by ^ts, than the spirit, 

In which they are given. 

So, no aid would rofuse,^ — 
No time' fit money's devotion,— 

Though all all can do's 
But a drop in the Ocean. 

With St. David's Punch mitfU, 
And icouid rather, be wrong, 

Than with Manchester right ; 
And 8o sums up his song. 

** Let us give, much or little, 

(Our most will fall short) 
If we look for acquittal 

In Conscience's Court. 

" All the crumbs from Bull*s table— 
Yours — mine— all together, 

Will scarce India enable 
The tempest to weather. 

** With all the Sute 'a doing, 

And all it can do, 
Starvation is suing 

To me and to yow. 

** If richj pounds let us save* 
K poor, pence let ui spare ; 

But don't let us wave 
Cool good-bye to Despair ! 

** Prudence talked out of plftoe 

Is the talk of a fool — 
80, with Punch, set your face 

'Gainst this Manohester School I *' 

Kind your H^s. 

Tire School of Cookery in last year's International Ex- 
hibition was BO deservedly popular, that we can fully 
understand Mbs. Templ£ Baer's satisfaotion at hearing 
that a ** Committee for Heating" is again at work this 
season. But we are afraid there is some mistake, and 
that this worthy lady and eanita] housekeeper has not 

Set mastered what has been tne great difiiculty of her 
fe— the proper application of the aspirate. 






[March 28, 1874. 


for the ap 
matter of 

of a Diocesan Council, partly lay, partly clerical. ti«^u«ci^u, 
enforce clerical obedience to lawful anttority. 

HKHE ar^ not a fo# jjei-iiDns 
of ill -constituted mind to 
whom no spoofed e af!o?(li> 
greater amn!?enierit than 
that of glariijfJt inoonsis- 
tency Sbfemnlv pmcfbeU 
by grarve p-iid reTtiwnd 
I^ersoEs* What fcm ffif 
such oynlckl taitiffe ft 
muai be Id fi(M tempi ate 
the Cbujm C|er^, High 
and Ldf, Kmos^ |iTOper 
funcAjfi itSiimlf is to 
preach tespect fiir the 
laws, disobeying the de- 
cisions of IIm Judiciul 
Committee of the Prity 
Council in g^eral» and 
its jttdgidtenf M the Pur- 
chas ^My il particulars 
rig-hl and left! Nobody 
Bhoidd grud^ft anybotfy 
legitimate diversion ; hut 
canonical decency roust 
be observed; tod tfiere- 
fore the BIroopft have, it 
is said, At a recent con- 
ference, agreed on a Bill 
entpowered, in the 

proposal is denounced by certain jMirtisanB, 
api)arently holding the Infallibility' dogma, 
as it is underRtood by the RitnfthBts. who 
contend that lleverend Grcntlemeii anonld 
be left to be, in the oonBtructimi of Rubrics 
and Articles, and their practice ■ooordingly, 
a law unto themselves. 

If any Clergyman chote to aacrifioe a 
cock to ^sculapius,^ or a bull to Pluto, or 
were such a Ritualist as to celebrate the 
rites of BacchiM in luB paridi church, he 
would probably be at once removed, under a 
dsedical certificate, to an asvlum for the 
fi^sane. It is hy no means clear that the 
Mtious celebration of Mass in a Protestant 
plMe of worship could not be as effectually 
tna legally stopped, in like manner. But 
let ihe Clergy be chartered to condnet the 
Ghittoh Services by their own inter]^iretation 
df Ghmrch rules, and what is to preVettt any 
&tB of them from nying of doing^ anything 
nndef ffi» name of service, or, indeed, of 
Htying and doing nothing at all, and sitting 
Buent, himself and his congregatum. after 
Qie Aianner of a meetine of the Society of 
Friends i^ Why should not Quakers be 
iittitated if Roman Catholics mav ? And let 
it not be forgotten by churchf^oers who 
object to narcotics, that the imitation of 
Quakers would very often involve no sermon. 

Motto for Ministers (by a SeoUUh 
Licensed Victualler), — Beer and for-beer. 


We have now nearly survived Lent. Another year almost will have 
to elapse before the return of Ash Wednesday can enable any of the 
Ritualist Clergy of the Church of England to imitate, if so disposed, 
the observance of that day as practised bv certain Roman -Catholic 
priests this year in Austria. These worthy eccLcaiastioSj according 
to the New Free Press, took the opportunity of the firat day of 
Lent to attempt putting a stop to the prevalent excess of female 
apparel in the matter of nead-dxess, or, as the Morning Post puts it, 
* 'tne practice so generally in vogue among females of all classes or 
dressing up their nair in an outrageous style.'' Our British con- 
temporary, quoting our German, continues :— 

** It ifl customary for devout girls, in some of the Boman- Catholic countries, 
on Alii Weduesday to apply fur aahes to put upon their heads, meekly kneel- 
ing in front of the altar. The reforming priests have this year refused the 
gift to all who do not wear their hair in unpretentious stylc.'^ 

As Ritualism and an outrageous style of dressing the hair to a 
great extent coincide amongst fashionable females, the Ritaalist 
Parsons of England will, next Ash Wednesday, if the present style 
remain so Ion? in vogue, have it in their power, bv a twofold imita^ 
tion of Romisn priests, to endeavour at least to effect a great reform 
in ladies' ** heads." They can adopt the practice of distributing 
ashes, and likewise imitate the measure of refusing this cinerary 
coiffure to girls wearing fantastic head-(^ear. Such refusal ot 
ashes would perhaps be felt as keenlv as, in other days^ and other 
circumstances, womd have been, an ecclesiastical prohibition of hair- 

To be sure, it may be doubted if many English young ladies 
would be likelv to present themselves postulants for ashes to be 
placed ui)on a nead-drcss of form, dhnensions, and structure such 
as that they now commonly' wear. That fabric, known by the 
general name of chignon, is in part factitious ; and although to the 
simple-mindedness of Austrian maidens inconsistency may be in- 
visible, yet, surely, very few of our own darlings can be so extremely 
obtuse as not to see that the idea of strewing ashes of penitence on 
false hair would be too absurd. 

Political Heroiam. 

Wx are glad to be assured, by fully competent authorities, that 
most of the ex-M.P.'s, who lost their seats at the Election, have 
borne their disajypointment in an ex-M.P.lary manner. 

Odb.— In an advertisement for places as Milliners, the advertisers 
ezia«s tfaemselTeB as ready '*t4>eutmit ahd iake orders." Th\A sounds 
like an offer for duties something between an Ernuid Boy and a 
Curate, and means neither. 


If wo may judge by the advertisements, our Song- writers just 
now must be extremely busy. Hardly a day passes without our 
notice being called to some new batch of ballaas, every one of which 
is pretty certain to delight the ears of all who hear it, at least, if we 
may credit the opinion of its publishers. 

Some people &ncy that the a^e of sentiment, like that of chivalry, 
is past : but. if a title be a guide to the purport of a song, we cer- 
tainly should say that there is, at least, at present, no lack of a 
demand for sentimental ditties. Foremost in the list before us, we 
iind one which is entitled " Love Wakes and Weeps ^^^ which may 
be followed, in a day or two, for aught that we can tell, by " Lovtt 
3foans and OroanSf or " Love Sighs and Cries and Dies" or some- 
thing equally heart-rending. Then we see announced a sonff about 
** Those Little Words Qood-hyel" which, no doubt, will oe sno- 
oeeded by ** That Tiny Term Ta-Ta .'" or by a song for a sweet 
tenor voice, ** Good Ntahf, Old Boy^ Good Night !" or by a ohann- 
ing little chanson, ** -««» Amie, Au JReroir! " 

As for ** 7'he Hometcard Watch^" which see described as being 
vastly popular, for uiything we know, it may bear ref erenoe to thS 
heroes of the Black Watch, who are now returning homeward from 
Ashantee. Assuredly we therefore should. not vastly weloome any 
unhcroic plagiary, such as ** The Outward-hound Chronometer^" or, 
" 2Vm» Clock 7WW gone on Tick" We should not be suiprised, how- 
ever, if a few of our burlesque writers be tempted now to parody a 
song which once was popular, and introduce a British Soldier i^ 
turning from the war, and singing very cheerily the old air, " Ify 
Heart and Loot," To recall it to the memory of our Medieeval readen^ 
we may just knock off the first line or two : — 

'\ Scene, Polly's Cottage, Polly seated at the iea-UAle. BnUr 
Britibh Hero, xcith a very littk bundle, and a very big umbreUm^ 

" I give thee all, I 've got no more, 
Though poor the oifering be. 
My heart and loot from Cofp eb's store ; 
And now let 's have some tea I " 

Hayman vertaa OlasiM. 

The Counsel for the Plaintiff in this case stated that hii Glient^s 
treatment had been unfair beyond precedent. Surely this ii a wifl- 
take. Have we not heard bcdPore of a HA(Y}]rAN, who wislung to 
suspend another, was himself suspended instead. 

A NiC£ Ikvesiheiit.— Amongst the advertisemfinti , 
dertakings we notice one of '* The Universal Diidnfeotor vhmu^vw^. 
Our broker has instructions to procure us some sharesy if they an fa 
good odour. 

Ansa. 4, 1874.] 





At two chief seasons of the year 
Do diverse ribbons meet the eye ; 

One is when Christmas-tide is near : 
And one when Easter draweth nigh. 

As Butchers trim prime beefs '* warm gnles," 
With aznre bows the sight that catch, 

So Poulterers, heeding contrast's rules, 
White turkeys deck with pink to match. 

Their several favours thus the Fair 

Mount for Cam 's or Isis' Crew, 
But, in far greater part^ they wear 

The symbols of the Lighter Blue. 

Must we suppose that Oxford, then, 
At discount stands in Cupia's mart, 

And at a premium Cambridge men 
In Woman's soft and gentle heart ? 

Not so ! with no such partial views 
The favourite colour is displayed I 

For most complexions, of the blues. 
Light is the most becoming shade. 

Were Oxford's dark-blue pink instead, 
Then pink and azure worn would be 

In such proportions as in red 
And white at Christmas-time we see. 


Young Man from Vic Country (to Policeman in MoorgaU Street), '* Where is 
FnrBBURT Circus I" 

Constable {on the alert, sternly), " Wht, where it was Yesterday, young 
Feller. None o' yer Larks with me ! " 

<< In. the Cold Shade." 
Query hy an Indignant Nationalist, 

Does Mr. Disraeli purpose to plant again in Ireland 
what Mr. Gladstone so well called the ** Upas tree," 
when he places our unhanpy island thus, ** Sub tegmine 
JPei^i',"— imdcr the baleful shadow of a Beach ? 


Apply any portion of the Surplus to the Keduction of 
the National Debt ? Certainly not. If the National 
Debt were extinguished, the fTation would owe nothing 
to itself. Of course it would then pursue a still more 
undignified policy than any which can possibly have 
merited the sarcasms of Continental critics. 


Reyibed Mr. Punch, 

I AM moved to address you by the two following circum- 
•ianoei: — ^A gentleman (name, as Mr, Toots says, "of no conse- 
quence "} was, the other day, sent to prison for fourteen days by one 
of our Metropolitan Magistrates for smashing a cat ; and a day or 
two i^ter, at the Durham Assizes, a man was sentenced to twelve 
months* imprisonment for the comparatively venial offence of 
kioking his wife to death. Of course, if the woman had not 
been perverse enough to die, we should never have heard a word 
eboat this 'Mittle affair." But, as she did, there was a fuss made 
about it, and the poor husband was committed, tried, and even, 
prok puaar/ sentenced. Luckily the Judge was able to mark his 
•enie of the harshness of such proceedings on the part of committing 
Magistrates and Qrand Jury by the leniency of his sentence. 

Dednotions :— 

Firstly, — It is the glorious privilege of the British subject to 
torture nis wife as much as he likes, providing she doesn't die 

Seeondly.—Yoi the small consideration of twelve months' im- 
prieonment, he may kill her outright, if he confines himself to his 
natural weapons— ^hands, fists, hob-nailed boots, and articles of 
f nmituie. A knife may entail awkward consequences, but, really, 
it is qnite unnecessary. 

TAtrd/j^.— The above punishments give us the equation, 1 wife = 
Si cats— (within a fraction). 

Fowrihiy. — How grateful we ought to be that we have a " Society 
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals ; " and how thankful 
married men ought to be that it does not as yet include those lower 
•idmsls oaUed wives I 

JPiyWy*— What a subject of national pride it should be that Sib 
G, WGLmsT has put down, by treaty, the custom of human saori- 
to in Ashintee! Perhaps, now that we have finished with Enfo 
" m shill have time to ** humanise " our own Black Country- 

men, the British collier, and his fellow savages of various trades 
and tribes. 

Sixthly Utnd lastly).— "Whgit a wonderful and beautiful thing is 
the Penal Law, as administered. 

Yours, bewildered, 

John Sxtth. 

P. S.— More bewildered than ever since he has read that Her 
Majestt has been pleased to extend her gracious pardon to the oat- 
killer, but has forgotten, apparently, the ill-used husband ! 


'*The goat« the gift of the Corporation to the Regiment, was then formally 
handed over, but left at liberty, an indulgence of wliicli he took adrantage when 
Colonel Drayton presented Colonel Mostyn with a laurel-wreath, which 
the latter officer held carelessly for a moment while the troops were mo^-ing off: 
I^ing Coffee (the goat) then advancing unobsened, began to browse upon it till 
in part it was mere twigs."— (i2<c<f»fioM of the 'i^rd I'miliers at I^>rtsmouth,) 
—Standard, March 21, 1874. 

Their capers He-goats ought to quit. 
When they have taken the Uueen'r shilling I 

Thy Greek sires had their weasands slit 
At Bacchus' shrine, his vines for killing. 

But thus to munch Fame's glorious wreath I 

Browse thus upon the Laurel crown ! — 
The prize of Victory, wrun^ from Death, 

In red brands of Coomassie town I 

Or didst thou purpose, all the while. 

To hint, what we may blush to utter, 
That *' glory," to the rank and file, 

Means, at least, should mean, " Bread and butter" P 


^^, Vw^5^. 



[April 4, 1874. 


^KH^t^N^V^^ .^\.\. , 

K' if Punch — {quitd Dii avertani /) had to fonti on Administration, he 
-would pray tfiat it mi|lit be after a reaignation jrist before the oi>en- 
iaw of ft SofliioD, for tln3n iliaistcra cun fair! 5^ call uj)on ox -Ministers 
tti do all the ** ckaninj? up," to explain away the jobs^ ffet out of the 
mcsst'??, dodge the questions^— nay^ even to defend the estimates, 
while MinifiterH ha^c but coolly to a&k for what they want in advanco, and get it. 

Thanks to this happy conjunctura, wcs haye had the pkasant sig-ht— to an ironical 
Ptmeh-oi Mr. !:^jiaw-Lkfkyre ^ttiag up ag'ain to defend the puroha:ie of the 
Brnmt'tlHr^-f-ihat very tiahy barffam of tiie Iftte Admiralty, in which the Pall Mall, 
and one or Uvn oilier people and paper-^, will insist on seeing' Boniething^ very like a job — 
Ti f^np, they say, to the Union Steamhoat Companyj who sold her just after they had 
hi * II fort^Ecl to give up that capital Zanzibar contract j so handsomely conceded oy the 
IlHiIit llriNorHAiio: UottKirr Lon r: * 

it the Dromedary was a job, (Mb. Lefevke ingenuonsly pleads, J shewasw/cA a little 

one— only cost £15,000 at &rst, and carried a load of soldiers to the Gold Coast (when 

>rts for the trip at twice the money), and didn't go to the 

wo had to hire transports , . _,. 

bottom, and wasn't so mnch slower than her comrades, and isn't so very rotten, after all— at least, has a right to the benefit of the donbt 
on that point, till she is surreyed and condemned. And then Mn. Suaw-Lefeyhe will, we donbt not, be furnished with a freah Bet of 
reasons to justify the purchase. 

Pleasant, as Samxtel Pepys would have said, to note how now-a-dajrs every fault found with the late Administration is certain of 
being fairly weighed, every blot hit in their record at once put in train of searching inquiry, every reason against anything of their 
doing sure of the most impartial consideration. 

New brooms never sweep anything so clean as the dirt left behind by the last tenants. 

Of course it is not Ma. Waki) Hunt who need wince under my Lord Laudekdat.e's searching Monday review of our sea-going 
iron-clads. It is not for nothing that his Lordship lives near a Dockyard, and keeps his weather-eye .open. According to the counts 
in my Lord's indictment, out of our 33 sea- going iron-clada, 13 want new boilers, while 7 are shaky, leaving us only 10 efficient armoured 
ships out of our 33 on paper. Or, gauging the strength of their wood and iron, 16 of the 33 have only 4i inch plates— armour which gwu 
of the period can smash like paper — while of 14 the wood is rotten, be the iron what it may. 

Of course, Loed Malmesbuht, as Minister in charge, waited for an explanation from my Lord Camperdown. Explainer for the lots 
Admiralty, and the Representative of Admiral Dttncan, made the best case he could for Britannia's ugly ducklings. After all, there 
is a crumb or two of comfort in store for us. If our 33 iron-clads are such a shaky lot, what of the 299 armoured ships of all nations, 
which Lord Lauderdale hangs over us in terrorein i 

The Duke of Somersj-h: (still in his character of candid friend to his quondam colleagues), pointed out that the measure of work 
doing in the Dockyards is the number of men employed ; (delighted to hear it. from so good an authority). When he was in Office, he was 
called extravagant— (never by 3/r. Punch, he will take his davy)— because ne employed 18,000 workmen. After '70, the number was 
out down to 11,200, but only to rise to 12,800 (in '71 and '72) and 13,500 (in '72 and '73). He should move for returns to show onr 
tonnage in iron-clads, and the life of their boilers. 

Then there was talk about Weights and Measures, and a notice from the Earl of Liherick, for returns of our Militia strength, and 
statistics of its recruiting, which, he thought, would show falling oR in that estimable force. 

Opposition Explainer on his legs--"- ^—^-'^r^ t — x j.3_ ^^i^ 

, , for late Government." Lord Lansdowne did not think there was any symptom of Militia decline. 

ast year— a fair proportion of the 28,000 required to keep up the establishinent of 140,000, on the 

25,000 to 26,000 recruits had e] 
five years' service scheme. 

The same night the Oommons had a vast variety of talk (a la WmrTERLET) on a vast variety of subjects— Election Expenses. 
Museums, Railway Accidents, the late Dissolution, Land Laws, the River Shannon, the Bengal Famine^ Wormwood Scrubs, Civil 
Service Writers jTelegraphio Communications. Foreign Office Clerks— (Lord Derby doesn't see his way to raise their salaries^ and-j9m?e 
Sir Drummond Wolfe, whose kind efforts for his quondam comrades do him credit— F. 0. Clerkships are the prizes of the Service already, 
with their chances of a diplomatic d4hxUy and their social cachet) ; Sandhurst— (the War Office, we are glad to see, means to discon- 
tinue the stupid blunder of sending young Officers back to school after doing duty with their regiments) ; Cavalry Inspection, and 
Registration of Letters. A pretty good range I 

Then we came to Income-tax, Mb. Sandfobd moving to exempt £500 incomes— by way of raising the question how the Inoome- 
tax might best be modified. 

Mb. Scourfield could not admit we had a surplus, while we had a debt. At the same time ho did not see why we should be in any 
* desperate huny to fritter onr means away in pajrmg our debts " — to quote Bruumel. 

Mb. Laiko delivered an excellent lecture in favour of Income-tax — " the key-stone of our finance, which has kept the arch tight dnee 
PjEra put it in thirty years ago : which averts deficits, staves off panics, keeps up our credit, supplies sinews of war, em^m lu to 
remit taxation, diminish national debt, adjust Jonif Bull's load fairly between the big and small of his back ; is at onoe fly-wftMl, 

April 4, 1874.] 



governor, and lubricating-box of our financial engine." What fools 
we should be to sacrifice such a blessing I Dear, dear ! one never 
knows, till one is told by a clever man Bke Mb. Laino, how much 
one has to be thankful for I " Unpopular ! Well, what tax is not 
unpopular P Suppose exemption oould be extended to £200, with 
£100 deduction between, say £200 and £400, the mode of assessment 
might be improved. At any rate, better wait till we see what the 
surplus would be. Then what ddightful things the CnAifCELLOR 
OP THE ExcHEQXTEB might do I Why, he might oven take off the 
Railway Passengers' Duty I " 

Ah-ha! Samivel, SamivelI Are you there, old fox? Tu cs 
orfivre.Mmtre Josse. 

Mb. Hebuon hoped the tax would bo made less inquisitorial ; Mr. 
C. Lewis did not want to see it improved— except off the face of the 
earth ; Mb. Hobshak thought the House had better cease talking 
about it, till they oould talk business ; and Lobd R. MoNXAGrE 
(not at all wanted) lugged in our ancient friend — the Old Man of 
the Sea. 

The Chancellor of the Exchequeb facetiously reminded the 
House that though there might be no indiscretion 'in asking any 
number of questions, there might be much in one little answer, and 
thanked Honourable Members for their contributions to the Budget. 

Then Army and Navy were voted £2,000,000; Civil Service, 
£1,816,000; and Revenue Department, £1,856,000 in advance- 
financial year drawing to an end, and young ravens in these 
Services having to be fed. 

The East India Loan Bill was read a Second Time, after an in- 
effectual plea for delay. Bis dat qui cito c?a<— particularly to hungry 

And then, when Mb. Butt and Mb. Bryan had moved to bring in 
Irish Municipal and Franchise Bills— assimilating Erin to England 
in both— the House, after this lively canter, adjourned at twenty 
minutes to seven. The whole night's performance may be described 
as a series of rapid acts, if not leading to anything in particular. 

On Tuesday the House of Lords was on Railway Accidents, 
with a general feeling (shared out of doors) that the Companies 
want looking after, and their Servants, as well as Passengers, pro- 

The House of Commons was two hours debating Mr. TIeygate's 
Sessional Rule (it has stood the test of two Sessions with general 
acceptance) that no opjwsed Bill be taken after half -past twelve. 
When the clock strikes the magic half -hour— the House allows its 
Members half an hour more than the fairy godmother allowed 
Cinderelia^thQ senatorial splendour is to drop from the Member in 
charge of Bill, who will at once sink into his natural nothinj^ness. 

And here the House had the first sensation of the Session. A 
hundred and ten of Actieon's pack turned on their master, so 
many from the Government side going into one lobby with Mr. 
Heygate, while Mr. Disraeli went into the other w^ith Mr. Dill- 
WYN. The two had agreed to exempt from the Rule Bills that had 
passed Committee. The split might have been accident. It looked 
like a spark of mutiny. 

To work off its excitement the House had some of the hardy 
ftun nftla brought out — Mr. P.'Taylor's Abolition of Game Laws, and 
Mb. Newdeoate's Visitation of Monk-and-Nunneries — 

" Spring after spring, they flourish but to fade." 

The first Wednesday was a short one — three hours with Dilke, 
over his BiU (defeated by 201 to 126) to keep Parliamentary polls 
open from 8 to 8. There was a ^eat deal of pi'o and con, with cross- 
ourrents of experience and opinion. Mr. Cave did not know why 
Working-men alone should not put up with a little inconvenience. 
(Even 3fr. Punch had to breakfast at the inconveniently early hour of 
eight at his last coimty election, and had to go without toast in 
oonsequenoe, as tlie kitchen-fire had not burnt clear.) Mr. Roebuck 
had heard of no inconvenience in Sheffield. Mr. Mundella had 
heard of a great deal. Mr. Cross deprecated patch- work legislation 
(how Ministers should bless the inventor of that useful phrase !), 
and oould not see that a fpievance had been made out. At any rate, 
there was only one petition— from Lambeth. At Oldham about 
17,000 contrived to vote, out of 18,000 on the re^ster. That didn't 
look much like difficulty in the way of the Working-man who really 
cared about his vote. 

Mb. Fobsteb thought there teas a grievance in the large towns. 
Sir Charles's Bill, however, made no distinction. The stem 
Baronet said he would be glad to accept a Select Committee : but 
the House prefeired to throw out the Bill. Mb. Gladstone voted 
in the minority. Mb. Disbaeli did not vote. (Chief Justice 
Punch : '* grievance not proved as opened. As to remedy, it must 
foUow the grievance (c. a. r.).'') 

On Thursday Lobd Chancellob Caibns brought in his Bill for 
establiahing a Register of Titles— not of deeds, remember. That 
was Lobd Wesibttbt's mistake in 1862. He required all deeds— 
or, more puzzling still, their efitect in re^sterin^ party's opinion 
—to be Tegistered. So nobody would register their land-dealings— 

registration not being compulsory ; and the office established under 
the dead letter of 1862 remains to be vivified by the touch of Cairns 
in 1874. 

The measure now brought in is a reproduction of Lobb Caibns' 
Bill of 1859 ; and a remodelling, with the aid of Yioe-ChanoeUor 
Sib Chables Hall, of Lord Selborne's Bill of last Session. So the 
two greatest real property lawyers of the time — ominous ooinunc- 
tion !— are, for once, of a mind ; and Chancellob and Ex— witn the 
double X*s, Hatherley and Chelmsfobd, will, no doubt, contri- 
bute their best lights to the new Bill. Prosit, 

Let Punch note this first redemption of a promise of the Queen's 
Speech, and in a crying matter,— the cruel costs of land-transfer. 

Talk of doing deeds ! Think of the deeds we land-owners {hem/) 
have so long suomitted to be done by !— those Title-deeds for sixty 
years back (forty is to be enough henceforward) and their investiga- 
tion *'in chambers," and the queries upon them, and the queries 
upon the queries, and the conferences, and the maddening delays — 
and the COSTS of it all! 

When Punch looks round on his modest suburban freehold, and 
counts up the expense of its transfer to his hands from the wreck 
of that too speculative corn-merchant, who came to grief on Black 
Mondajr, 1866, he feels inclined to burst into song in the bosom of 
his family, 

*' Count Land- transfer costs 

Then and now, my dear bairns, 
And you *11 lift up your hands, 
And bless Chancellor Cairns." 


"The Chimpanzee of the Zoological Gardens is dead ! " — Tttne^, March 21, 

ANIENT our poor brother 
departed !— 
From anthropoid an- 
thropos began — 
AndDAEwiN deep mourn- 
ing has started, 
For this ** Pnnceps 
cditio " of man I 

It seems as if Nature had 
matched him 
And his visitors, man 
against brute ; 
But those who most closely 
have watched him. 
On the rivalry choose to 
be mute. 

Look at him — thus peace- 
fully lying. 
Manhood hid quadru- 
manhood within ! 
If developed, he might 
have feared dying. 
As it is, what a 'scape of 
our sin! 

TIad selection made him man of monkey. 
And taught him to cringe, cheat, and lie — 

-^1 la mode of my lord and nis liunkey, — 
He had found it less easy to die. 

Xo monkey speaks ill of a brother ; 

Chimpanzees hand o'er slander to man : 
But could apes sit to cut up each other. 

There he lies, let them say all they can I 

He was not paid to slaughter and plunder, 

He was not paid to lie in a wig : 
He ne'er out-roared Truth with Fress-thunder, 

Milked a horse, or ran Stock Exchange rig ! 

He ne'er lived to be husband or father, 

Or a model of both we had seen ; 
So much from his conduct we gather, 

Since his home with the Zooioos has been. 

Brother men. Chimpanzees though too plainly, 

You ne'er, do your utmost, can be, 
Yet aspire— may it not be all vainly— 

As good as poor Joey to be I 

^^ exce 


Pabis, MartJi 26, 
Xoy rmria cotibpgit adirc Cnrinthum, It ia not every man who 
oun obtaiD aJmi^sion to the Eleiisinia— the sacred myjiteriea— of the 
laat r^jiAtitioH fjSn/rale of u. new play at the Tlieatre Fmnvais, The 
properest men and the innjrotierest women mVmt in vain i even the 
memWrs of the Fran<,'aia themHelvea are not admitted without 
tickets. But it was enough to breathe the name of Pw^eA to the 
door-keeper, and I was thtre^ free as air, — 

•* Piineh hath liia wrvntita at each private view, 
Ou the frepliBU from China to Penh" 

(I hope I may take the liberty of improvinif Dfi. JonN&oy, if 
Mil. Mann may amend Bos well.) 

Kemuhat waa there— in the Mauasrer's private box— and I dreamed 
of Uttipian days when Loud Gil^js^villk should sit ia Mr. Batk- 
man's at a full rehearsal of a drama by Geohge Eliot; and 
Mlle. Faruueil was there ; and Bla^'CUE Pikrson was there ; and 
I waa there. So» 1 confeiis^ were others : the Theatre being, in 
point of fact, full 

Full ! yes, I should think ho ; fiill, from Pit to Paradise, of such 
an audience as an Actor might g-ive hia eyes to play to. Notabili- 
ties political, soeiai, literary, dramatic \ all eager and intent, and 
mi8»iD|r_ not a point as it feU; opplaudiug rarely, but with true 
discrimination ; enthusiastic once or twice, more often expressinj^ 
approval by that indescribable kind of ** coo," which is Buch a treat 
to near— the same ripple of sound which just stirs an Italian 
audience sittinj? at an opera, at some fiuhtle phrase or turn of 
melody. We don't do that in lAindon— -*' that enlightened capital, 
without whose verdict of approval no Italian urtutc^ &c.*^ We 
like our singers good-looking, and we like them loud. But, without 
that, ** no arthk', &qJ' Ah ! we know a lot, in matters of Art, we do. 
And we know that wo know it. But to return to our rehearsal. 
Could it be really a rehearml Y I have seen such things ia London, 
on the morning before alirst performance.— Some of the actors, some 
of the dresses, and flome of the worda* Not much of anything— 
except interruptionfi. A few eoeuo-Bhifters to advise, and some 

carpenters to look on. " Never mind, it will he all right at night : 
only it ^s all wrong, generally. So hopeful for thedmrr'^ ^ 
fair to the author I Of course, say his critics, '* An imp- 
though the management haa done its best tor it. But, w i nt^ 
get it from l" " There is some diilerence here, A iH*rfeet pcrloj m- 
ance throughout, fpeaking of months of care, resulting in a perfect 
mastery of detail, with only one quaint sign that it was a r«dieuri?al 
at all. There is a certain '^Scosn milor,*' well playerl by FfcitRB, 
who appeart'd in the earlier Acts with a thick light heard and no 
moustache — very suggestive of Bedford Row. In the last Act he 
took to whiskers, and the trick was done. He became quite the 
'*milor,*' and undeniably *'Sco^h.** 

I say nothing of the j>lay, of which all the world is having its sa)r 
now. The Seventh Commandment is a good deal broken, and it 
must be nearly time to mend it. But I felt that it was a proud 
moment, a^ I walked along the Boulevards, tingling all ovtr from 
the terrible realism of Ckoisetie'h death* whieh had startled that 
strong audience into a sudden chill of silence, and hound them to 
their seats lor some aecoDds after the curtain had faBen. I know 
oD about Le Sphinx^ Gentlemen^ while you are lighting for ieat« 

And so out on the Boulevards, in the broad daylight. Groups of 
men talking of many matters— of the Septerlnat and the la»t 
dodge of the Due d^IjjbkoqliOi of Chiselhurst, and what nut ; but 
mostly of plays, 

M. Sakdou, they say, will follow up FOftcIt - ^ ' m 

pioture of English life, called Ia' Lnr Mtn're, '1 
Lux's private study at the Mansion Kouse, an i 
ing the telegram of the Oxford Eight. The ru 
du Maire,^* The play culminates in the in'i 
Thames to an unprecedented height, overul ^V^ JJun- 

Bleus ;" while the waters divide, to aUow Cji'i * pass drv- 

ahod. Soriutural tableaux are very popular ntrv. iliis is the 
eorBest intelligence, and may be relied on. 

The ^at heart of France has been stirred to its dept lis hv the 
recent insult to oiu* Chief Ma^atrate. Under the < 
appalling idea, Sir, let us take a walk down the Boult 
we recover from our excitement I 


April 4, 1874.] 







uxcR'a Univeraity 
Corresroondent in- 
forms nira that^ but 
for tlie failiir© of 
certain arrtrnpe- 
raonts of detail, tlie 
loll owing competi- 
tidna would liaV' 
hetn added to \hi 
flnnual Oxford and 
Cambridge boat- 
raee, athletic eports, 
and maUihes at bO- 
liiirds, rackets*, and 
chess : — 

First, Ji C^r:ir,.l 

twcen the i 
f.f the Oxtiud uiid 
Camhrldijo Union 
Societi*.** V * ^ ^ v 
tlie ion II 
kers of tli- - 
The snbjcct of de- 
bate to be ethico- 
political- Inductive 
argument, or rcfcti* 
culn^' ^ "' •itiiid. 
strictly for>»idden, Bb. Kextuly, Q.C* to be ^ ftnd 

umpire* The mrangements nnfortunatdy fell tU: . ^ the 
St»i:AKER did not in miffieicnt time express an intention of placing 
the door and tea-room of the House of Commons at the disposal of 
the competitors. , ,^ i- 

Secondly, a grand Int^r- University Pea-shooting contest. Condi- 
lioiw of the ma^ ^ * ^ that a private omnibus be hired for the 
oonvevanod of tli ►rs, and the same to be driven at a foot's 

pec© from the ]^1 . : i.h to Regent's Circus. Tho rival candi- 
djite^, in their proper cohiura, to he rang-ed back t^ back on the 
'* knifeboard " of the vehicl*^, find the viet<iry to be adjudged to that 
r ' s received the greatwst mimber of 

M Irinns. 

aiini^i>, u ..iiM.-i., J. u. * - <^'" most stiinnlngly-dres^ed 

Undergraauates. The Ti\ ves to walk arm-in-arm 

once up and down Regent ' • y*olock in the afternoon. 

Captaina to toas for ohoioe oi the buimy iido of tKe street* Masonic 
regalia not allowable. 

Finally, a grand game of Draughts, to be placyed at Exeter Hall. 
Boors to be opon at ei^ht p,m. Six representative jilayers of each 
University, The conditions of the match to be that eaon pair shall plav 
three games ; time to be called at eleven p.m. The losers to pay all 
expenses incidental to the hire of the Hal!. The gouorol public to 
be admitted by half-guinea tickets. The proceeds, if any, to go to 
the liquidation of the National Debt. 

The revived Olympian Games were to have closed with an Inter- 
University Bull-dos? Show at the Agricultural Hall, and an Exhibi- 
tion of eolourtd MeersehanmB at tne Albert I>itt<3, with a tnaasivc 
gold medal for the ugliest canine and the loveliest clay, bearing the 
motto ** Zhtur tiiffnkm^** to be awarded by Her Oraoious MjUESxy 
in person. 



Ai the Criterion and gakerally Mound About, 


TffE Criterion, "which," the proprietors would probably 
•ay» if they had any leisure for joking, ** is not a criterion to go 
by, but one to enter," — ^possesses one of the prettiest, if not quite 
the pretdeat (and I don't think, as the fat boy said, ** I knows 
a nicerer ") theatre in London. It is most elegant in its fittings, 
furniture, and decorations ; and the one fault m its stalk lS| that 
tba backs of the seats are at such an angle to their base, aa to 
render a passage between the rowa embarrassing and unpleasant. 
It -B all very well to say that the seats are moveable, and that 
the aittijrs can make room for you t-o pass if they are only willing 
to do so. But, as a rule, they are not willing. An Englishman 
once seated in a place of amusement regards every new arrival 
who may have to pass him aa a borish intruder. By saoriticing 
one line of stalls, the comfort of the i)a^ser-by and the squatter 
would be secured ; and this in worth consideration. In every other 
respect the interior of the Theatre seemed to Your Kepresentative 
to m all that one could desire. Like tho Ath^n5e in Paris, and 
the Opera Comique, the Criterion Theatre is dam k cave ; but— 


*^ I hnvc been there, and gtill would go ; 
'Ti» like a little Heaven below ;'* 

that if!, in a thcatrieal sense. Al^, Your Representative must 

tiualify the cxjntssiou,*' still would go/' by adding, *'when 

Topsyturvydom u out of the bill." But for one Bong, tellingly 

rendered by Mi&i Holland, it would have been all up with this 

weari^f>mo piece. The idea, not a new one, was whimsical euou^'h 

in 1 wnuld do, fl« it has done already, w^ell inouffh 

on 1 when grotes^iuely illustrated, in a se^ne of a Panto- 

' ■ ^^an/ji. Since tho tirst ni^ht, Ttipai/fureijdotn^ 

its unhapx>y career at the bottom of the bill, 

! the top, 80 as to be as much out of the way 

''iii^ aud perhaps, ere this appears, it will have been rule- 

> the linibo of Thf^ntricnl triiliir<^'«, in company with the 

igtd Ladt/, CAf " I Act of Cojnmdti'd for 

In thos^ iitsmii] <fttifi persona' from the 

J*ttttnr of Truth f Ilapiti/.. -, „,,i . iiturva of lmpuUi\ may 

meet together, bemoan their sad fate, tiiink wh.^t tluv mitrbt have 

lu on if they only had their thancc^s over again and could unite 

1^ one good piece all together, instead of Wing compelled 

the consequences of being brought into the world as the 

u I ai^ <iusnring of a thoroughly wurn-out idea* 

From tills melancholy fpectaole — it wasn't a spectacle at aU in 
the theatrical sense— it is refreshing to turn to Mu. BvEOJf'd 
Afhtrititn L(Hhj„ emphatically Mr. DntoN^s American Lady and 
nobody else's. There is a jilot, as thoro was in tlie Hame author's 
Haunted Houses (does any one remembor this remarkably ingenious 
play at the Addphi?), Your itcpreseutative will on oatn depose to 
its existence ; at the same time he must take this op^rtuuity of 
expressing his unbounded admiration of tho detective- like faculties 
of the critics who actuallv discovered, and published it next morn- 
ing. The dialogue sparkled in the gaslight, and the author, who 
himstdf played one of the characters, had taken care that oil his 
lines hIiouIiI ho C4ist in plennant places. Everv line he tbi'ew out 
furnished with a sharp hook, well baited, caught itstiiih. 

Of course, given <" •^^ ^ject as an American Lady, and there ia 

no one in town to ^' Mhh. Joun Wood, Xi Mhs. Wood 

will not play in Or. -i, and when suittd with a boufl'e part, 

she is incom])arabIe. wtiU— you can't deal with her as the bird, that 
can sing but won't sing, is treated in tho proverb. 

So much for tho Crifrrion^ and now for a Lx>k round, 

Philip is still ** on his way through the * theatrical' world," at the 
Lyot'iun, but I have not yet discovered who aingi^ that boat-song, 
**0h6I Ohe 1 on the banks of tho Guadalquivir^" behind the 
scenes ? Is it, or is it not, Mk, Hjlmiltox Aiij6 himself ? Juan 
should be described in the biDs in the old fashion thua — 

Juan {with a song^ xvithout)^ Mn, Claytok. 
If Phitip becomes a stock drama, Juan wlII, I suppose, fall to the 
singing comedian who is usually cast for Sir Harry in the School 
for dcfindaf. 

There is some talk of reviving ** Charted his friend" during tho 
season (I mean Mu, Wills's Chttrles)^ and on dii that the BrtU are 
to be heard again. This is ringirg the changes. Then there *» to 
be Mr. Toole at the Glob© at Easter, in a new piece by Mk. 
Albert* The Clandestine Marriage^ and much work for the Op^ra 
Bouffe department at the Gaiety about the same time. 

** what a season we are haring!" ia, I hear, to be the cry. 
The German Reed troupe oi>ens at St. George's HaU, and Lecoq's 
new Comic Opera is to be played by the Belgian Company in London 
somewhere about June. 

1 am informed by a gentleman who kindly represented Your 
Representative in his stall at M. HcrmiERT'ft Theatre at Brussels, 
that in some respects GiroHS is better than Madame Anifot. 
Another gentleman, equally trustworthy, told me it wasn't any- 
thing of the sort. 

The former said it was merely an ordinary Comie Opera ; the 
latter that it was a regular Opera BouHe under the name of Comio 
Ojxjra, The second was in ecstasies about the Pirate Chorus ; the 
firiit pooh-pooh*d the Pirate Chorus, observed ^twas a weak attempt 
to repeat tne Conspirators' Chorus, and added that the inor^cau was 
the tenor- song. 

One of my informants was very unwell on the voyage back, bo 
he may have been inclined to review the events of the premiere with 
a jaundiced eye. 

I present you with the above three-i>emi'orth of useful informa- 
tion, and foreseeing much work in the Operatic and Dramatic 
department, remain, as ever, youh Rethesektaiivi!. 


RrrtJALtssr may draw considerably crowded churches by the 
attraction of dresses and decorations, but its preachers have not 
succeeded in impressing the British Public with an idea of the 
difference between festive and penitential holidays. The Railway 
Companiea announee no end of Fast Trains to run on Good Friday, 




[Afbil i, 1874. 

(Jtowed Saltirdtifj, Murtk 28, 1874.) 



ATLSFIED ! If mr readers ain't, they ought to 
b*i. If I hey havt>n't made pi^ts of man^f — 
didn^t 1 Kay imt the pot tm Camhndge lft»t 
week f— it a no faidt of mine* Didn't I ad- 
vise you to take it off Oxford f Of course, 
** JVhuh neic rowed darkf* "Why, Light 
rowed dark^ and was, as I predicted, the 

winner. The Spare >T-" ^"* ^*' ♦^ tiIv 

gpartj space on board ^ id 

survey td mankind Irt 51 yJ 

By hia aide sat an aniiaMe and okvcsr 
draughtsman^ aB sporting with his pencil u 
ia your own 8pare Man with hi^ pen. 1 wa» 
glorymg in our athUUs : bo wus he, He 
agreed with me : I agreed with him : and 
the cup which clieera, but does not meonate np to a certain point, agreed with both of us. 

** Here, Bir," quoth I, ** are our young Academicians, Oxoniana and Cantabs — couainSi being children of Sister UmveraiticB, ' 

*• Hear I hear f " from my A. B.C.— which doesn^t stand for Aidt'de-Cump, but for Amiable and Clerer Draughtsman, 

** Why ahould our friend Wllkee Colliks — -" 

'' Ko name r' interrupted the A.D.C., emerging from a silent draught. 

" Hand tne the beaker " I continued, ** and ply thy penciL** ■• 

Hejplied, and compliea* 

" Why,'* I resumed, after a refresher, which was perfectly legal, ** why should he try to fnglilen our athhteM from their sj^orts with 
hii OtOiffreif Delamayn in Man and Wife 7 listen, my Amiable one, to the noise in those reeds/*^ 



Afbu. 4, 1874] 




'No, dkahI Only tok SvoBtaaMSt" 


On Htmalayan motmtoinfl, 

fieside SttAOT&^i sanda, 
Toplash of Eoman fouDtaiofl, 
To bloro of German baads ; 
Oa ©very rufihini? river, 

In every crushLDg^ triiin — 
Will none the worlrl df liver 
From Angot on the brain P 
** iWsjolie 
Peti p/ilte ! **— 
Far and wide, and hiffh and low ! 
O^ the Dore of it \ 
Please no more of it ! 
Save Ufi from Madanw Angoi! 

One cann f ' ' ' « old scmf^s, 
E'en t^* I birds . . . * 

They Ve k*L ..,.l .u t^'•^ ♦-'-■4'^ ^nrMr^ 
That onee were h - 

Maidf mistroas, man and Wy, 
The minstrel of the Trairie, 
The Grinder of Savoy^ 
Pour one ditty in, 
Every city in. 
Street and creseent, stiaare and row, 
Nought claps stopper u- 
-pon that Opera, 
There '« no end to Ma* me Angot ! 

From Euroi>e*s cities olden. 

To New World^ft modernist, 
Where Ki I V sds irolden 
Glow iti u Went — 

From Cad:.: ; : laasBie, 
From Cairo to Cathny, 
That blesbed market Usbio 
Goes on all night and day. 
With her melody. 
Till each fellow de- 
-tests his horn and P* an' 0, 
In each key it is, 
0, ye deities, 
Rid 118 of the Dam{e) Angot! 

Shouthee to SfiOtTTffKE. — The very 
best Swond in a MiU (Coffee or other)— 
The Forty-Second t 



" 'Tis the voice of the Fro^y, 1 hear him complain," observed 
the A.D.C. And then, having said hia say, he cut his i^noil, and 
^T^vf a lon^ breath. 

** Yes, His even »o,'^^ I replied. "And the maral is, that even on 
the most festive oooaaiona there will always be croakers." 

*'EftsoonsI" exclaimed the A.D.C., being waggriahi *Hhou hast 
said well/* 

*'I penetrate the jocosity, frogs, efts, and eftsoons, My friend, 
draw it mild." 

He took np his ^ncil and drew it mild. (Look at the efts and 
the frogs in the Initial. Walk up, W^alk np !) 

**Why didn't Oxfor ddine with the MvYOB?" asked the Amiable. 

** I give it up. What is the answer ? " 

**The anawer came by telegraph. The Matob didn't seem 
inclined to take No for an answer." 

** There should have been," said I, **a special performance in 
honnur of the event, given at the Olympic before Ctaticaritj^ They 
nnce played at that house a neat lever' du ndeau^ translated from the 
French, which wa3 called Je JJine chez ma Mere. It could have 
bc?en nd[aptcd for Cambridge as Je ne Dmepas chez Milord MmreJ*^ 

** La BeUe France /^^ sighed the Amiable one, thinking of the 
happy day when he saw Boulogne for the first and only time, 
thfough a t^escope, from the upper cliff at Folkeatone. 

** Qroite 80 ; but * La Belh ' doesn't go in for thia sort of thing. 
How would any Continental people like to give up their tobacco, 
theb liquor^—;" 

** Paas the wine-cup! " 

** And remember," said L not heeding the request, "that this is 
one (A the few races where oetting is comparatively harmless, where 
all mu»t be done, so to speak, aboveboard ; where " 

** Hi 1 Horrooh I Well pulled I Now you 're winning ! Well 
pulled ! Go it, Oxford I Go it, Cambridge ! " I drank the health 
ol the winner. 

** Lor* blesa yoxi, it was a hollow thing from the first," I observed, 
OS I handed the empty tankard to my Amiable friend. 

The artist drew mo — towards him. 

** Farewell I " he said ; " there is no more between us, I thonght 
that this was an event where all waij fair and aboveboard. You 
said so. I go to present my compliments to that voung lady sitting by 
Mr, Punch, She has won twenty pairs of gloves from me. The 
Initial I shall present to our dear old P. as a memento of the race. 
Farewell, brave Spaniard I " 

He went for'ard, I went aft. He to the lady of his love ("I will 
not name. &c." — words of tenor-song), 1 to hmcheon. 

So, Oxiard and Cambridge, an reroir next year. In the meantime, 
think of the old refrain, 

** Row, brothers, row,*' 

and drink to the health of one who signs himself 

Th£ Spase Mak. 

MinoB Hinax. 
My dear MALr:Na, 

QUVM semel oectderts^ et de te Candida MinoA 
Ftcmit arbitna ! I / 

Thy good friend, 
RHADAMAimrrs (for Self and Partners). 

P.S.— Beware of aUUr rficte, and don't forget my notions about 
cotruptio optimi pessimttt Be wise in time. 

Reflecttiok on EicPEBOB William's Bibthday, — Yes I he has 
set his mark upon the age, and his Bis-mark, too t 

j,ci. Vv^:3fe> 


JTusbaiid. " Ir, ah I ttxm bifoki, Matilda, Tmr stili. ciikrisbbd ttiat Fbkliko op AFFEcrrioK fob ite which toc okck 

PltOFKSOBI), MT Wisn WOtJUl Bl LAW TO TOU. I KBrBAT IT, MATILDA— LaW I " Matilda. " IXtS.' I '' 


** A 0<5o<l Cook wants a Sihintion. Can give Batisfactory TestimoniulB. 
ToTjr family prrft'ircd.— Apply/' &o. 

Abe we to oonoltuk from this Advortiscmont that the new Ministry 
have won the nlk*ctiona of anf>thcr larg^e and intluontial class of the 
oomm unity? Are the kitchen, and the servants* hall» mid tho hoiist^- 
kwpiT*8room, as warm atimirers of Mr» Disiiajeli and his colleaR^nes 
ap the bar and the bar-parlour and the tap-room Y The preferctice 
**Cook** shows fora '*Tc>ry family'* aeemfi to favour tlus supposition. 
We see her in our mind*» eye. A very snjjerior j^erson— such ordi* 
nary terms as charaeter or references have no place in her Hupc^rfiue 
Tooabnlary : she can give Batibfaetory '* testimonials/' i>crhapa from 
■ome of the leaderi of her party. A woman tenacious of htr 
perquiiites and privilefea ; stoutly opposed to all snch stuli" and non- 
B^nne as econoniy, retrenchment, and reform ; the uncompromisini? 
enemy of a miserable ** cheese-paring " ixilicy ; with a sta^ong bias 
towards meat at every meal in tlie day, and decided opinions as to 
the quality and quantity of her beer. A being, too, in whom some 
strange inconsistencies blend: aTory^ and yet not conservative of 
the cold meat ; a Conservative, with the most liberal views of the 
diet indispensable to the comfort and happiness of upper servants. 
Would that our political opinions were such as slro could appr^ivo* 
that we might strain every nerve to add so great a prize to our other 
household treoKuroH ! But we doubt not she has already foimd what 
ehe yearned for, and that '* Cook" is now " dishing np in somr? tine 
old prejudiced family whose opinions on the eounty franchise and 
the law of pnniogeniture aie as sound and conatitntional as her own, 
and where the dripT)ing and the Idtchen-stufl aro on the most lavish 
eeale. Long may wio Bve to mle the roaat i 


RtJOBT, in eves of priest and layman, 

Waa in a dwindling way ; 
So they who ruled suspended Hatmak, 

For fear of more decay. 

{$€s ihe ^H!^mU $iven by Oekbhal Montax^iian Due nr. Palikao of th* 
Mundftrma ^f^^* ^*^nimcr rnlart^ rt* tampttral wiih the acwuntt tj^ejft' 
iritneueSj tha Officuit Bit^pa(che3, and Lokd Eloijs's Chrretpondfnee.) 

Yoni modern Greek, when he would ffpeak 

A »)hher*8 praise afar, 
CaUs him not " thief," or **klepht," in brief, 

But duba him PuUkar ! 

And when one reoda MoNTAtrBAT«*fl deeds 

Of Bummer Palace plunder, 
One aflks if '* K," in Palikab,** 

For ** O '' is not a blunder Y 

Put Palik-**ar'» to " ao," nigh, 

Onr difference is left : 
The Frenchman would hide loot with He, 

The Greek proclaims bis theft. 

^' Will not this Malioot SomerBetv be left? >* 
TlTE original *' Noble Savage/^ whom Punch {Prot^\lm jH^per) so 
dubbed in 1S51 for cantankerr - - ^ *- icHon of frr ^^ ^ ' th»' 

sontli entrance of the Great ' i , having v nr 

forgiven his displacement fr<vi) I 'iuetof 18r , the 

Upper House to the only drop of bitter to be found m t \ nn 

the Address. An ingeniona noter of coincidenees poin; i in 

both eases ^twenty-tnree years asunder) the ground of oilence was 
the remarai of (tn old pump. 

Dismemberment of the Britiah Empire. 

While Mr. Btrrr and his friends are endeavouring to eefvef { 
connection between Great Britain and Ireland* no one seeme to hee^i 
the fact tii^^ <- nt Britain herself ia tumbling to pieoes. The 
followinr announcement appears in the Daily TehgtapK 

of tiie tw< . ^tant : — 

*• Extremely high irindfl havu blown off the north-west c^ust of SooUatid/* 






" 0, wftAT no rov Think, Mb, Lilltbrow ? 
Twumr-Frnt, and I am okly Eighteen I " 

•* Haw ! \Voja)BB weat Toir*iL be taken for wsnf tou'ae TwmrrY'ftvzV* 
"Fob Bctteb fob Worse, I hofbI" [Mr, biUyhimc looks ptnmv^ 


Paeis, April L 

PADJii is du]l, I am told. Andj flocially, it may be. Probably I am not a compUnt 
rettili^r of tb« I'ai i^iaa spirit-level. To me Paris s(M!m.B| as alwaySt tbe liyeliest plac« in the 
world " " ^, and tbe licbest^ and tbe Pariaians an inoomprebensible and as faaoinatinff 
% no Tbe loeracy of *' lmi>erial Coxruntion" seems to baye been inyested at hifrb 

intM^ L. no doubt, tbe lega«y*duty was hea\7". 

Jft ir lile» 8ir, I ask you, tbat a PariBian public can already sit to sea the aiegc 

of Pari id on tbo stage of tbe Fnmi^aU t I could scarcely rrrdit my eyvA or ears when 

I went Ok. other ni^bt to Jean de Thomnicrnyr,** and saw tbo actors ptnymg at tbo 
soldiers of that sod uid sbameful warfare, nttin^ as I was witb real soldiers next me, and» 
all around, men and women wbo should have felt to their hearts core tbe shame and the sad- 

the dissection 1 '^ Indeed, that it is ** Crop 
fori " is tbe general verdict* May be, bnt 
it is nncommonly fine, and Cboizette ia a 
darling^. Would not tbe yuung ladies like 
to know how she is dressed Y ** A tunic of 
blaek blonde , over a skirt of lemon*eolonred 
Bilk, spaii^led with stars in blue steel, with 
coiiiure oi tbe eame stars.'* Oood nig'bt, 
and dream of it, while Your Occasional puts 
into rhyme what is left of his reason on 
the theme of tbia fascinating: 


In the famous palace, 

Of the Fields Elyaian, 
Critics tbe most callous 

Saw a oharminB vision, — 

If a year or two you 

Can yonr memory force back — 
Two eyes that shot through yon, 

From a girl on horseback. 

Dainty little dame, 

Fairy-like her hand ^ 
And the painter*B name 

CAiioLrs DuTiAiJD was. 

This delicious girl 

Had a nose of noses ; 
Teeth like rows of pearl 

Peeping out of roses. 

While tliere shone a light 

In tbe saucy eve, wmch 
Made you pass the night 

Dreaming of tbe sly witch. 

Gazers all she drew, this 

Prettiefst of minxes : 
If it ff^^', then, wbo this 

Puzzle of a Sphin^r ia f 


Changing us to stones, 

Chilling all our blood 
All onr marrowbones— 

Dying on a sudden. 

Poisoned in a way, 

so very dreadral ! 
I.«aTing one all day 

With one 's heart and head f ulL 

** Sun?ly OS my wife 

Wears another's back tress/' 
Quutb I, '*on my 11 fo, 

Ne'er was such on actress/* 

And your graceful form 
While my greedy eyes ate, 

Thus my fancy worm 
Rhymed you, pretty CiioiXErr* ! 


^v>, V^^, 



[April 11, 1874. 




OR the prpfientjPar- 
Jmmpnt IB keeping 
the Easter Holi- 
day it has not 

There is but lit- 
tle EsseDoe to be 
ejEtracted from the 
lost words of the 
CoUectiTo "Wis- 
dom, before it dis- 
persed to enlighten 
the lieges out of 
London, between 
AU Fools' Day 

and the 13th of April. Mr. Cross is the hero of the situation, out of the 
House, at all erents, thanks to his daily and all-day dealings with the deputa- 
tions whose spokesmen save him the trouble of answering them by answering 
each other. As Portia of her courtiers, Mb. Cross may say of hts — 
•* Whiles wo shut the gate upon one wooer. 
Another knocks at the door," 

And they come attracted by ** Ics beaux yeux de $a cassetie,^^ too, like those 
who sought the caskets of Belmont. 

Friday f Inarch 27.— On the last sitting before the recess, Mb. Cross made an 
emphatic declaration, echoed by cheers which proclaimed the House at his back, 
that it is not the intention of the Government to interfere with the course of law 
in the case of the Fenian prisoners still under sentence. As these are all either 
accessories to murder^ or soldiers who have broken the bonds of military fidelity 
as well as civil allegiance, the sound sense of the country agrees with the con- 
clusion of the Executive, that remission of punishment would be unpardonable 

Mb. Disbaeli had declined to give any answer on the subject to a Deputa*- 
tion composed mainly of Irish Members, but with two English ones among 
them (Sib Chables ]3ilke and Mr. Mundella). It is to be presumed that the 
Liberal voters of Chelsea and Sheffield include an appreciable proportion of Irish 
roughs who must be conciliated— a small but suggestive instalment of the price 
payable for the Irish vote which falls so heavy on our American cousins. 

The same night Sib Chables Dilke wanted the Ballot-box taken to pieces 
and set to-rignts, pointing out a number of hitches in its machinery. The 
House prudently preferred to await the report of the Election Judges. 

Monday, March 30.— Imagine a Pickford van blocking the way of the Lobd 
Mayob's coach ! Even so a Metropolitan Board of Works* Bill for two hours 
delayed the vote of thanks to our gallant redcoats and blue jackets of the Gold 
Coast campaign, from Genebal Sib Gabnet Wolselet downwards. Soldiers, 
cailors, marines, black troops and white, fighting men, medical officers, commis- 
Fariat, control, and transport services— all were included in the thanks of 
England, given bv the Leaders of Government and Opposition in Lords and 
(Emmons, and echoed by the country. And as Lords and Commons spoke on 
Monday night, the Queek had spoken on Monday afternoon, in the Great Park 
of Windsor, at the Review of the troops of the Expedition (all but the Kaval 

Brigade, who will have a review of their own when they 
are all nome a^ain) : and the City has sinoe spoken, c^ 
the Banquet given by the Lobd Matob to Sib Gabvei 
and his officers on Tuesday. 

The triple tongue of Queen, Legialatnre, and City is 
not too much to utter the fulness oi Bbixaknia's heart, 
in weloome and thanks t^ her brave sons. They have 
fought not with Kikcj Coffee only, but with those 
mientier confederate sovereigns, Time and Tide, Plague 
ana Pestilence ; and they have had to do all this on 
<Mdoulations, as Mr. Dj.'^baeli well reminded the House, 
nqt^ of months, or weeks, or days, but of hours I The 
critics oomplain that the rhetoric of Monday night was 
below the occasion^ Punch declines to endorse that com- 
plaint. The facts were bej^ond rhetorio and they were 
impressively stated, Sin. DisitAELi'i^ pcronitit^n was 
qumtessential and will not bear abridgmrait : — 

<< It has always," he said, << heen a vulgar error to asMoiate mili- 
tary glory only with armies of great magnitude. But some of the 
greatest military feats have been performed by very small armies. 
In modem history, nothing, perhaps, is more iUustntive of 
this truth than the conquest of Mezioo by Cknrtes. So crsat a 
result effected by such slight means is not easily matohea in the 
history of men. Even in our own times, in that great Conti- 
nental war which occupied a great part and the early portton of 
this century, when hons counted, not only by hundreds of thou- 
sands, but by millions, were arrayed aflunrt each other, it was 
a small army, admirably disciplined— which, to uae the weeds of 
tbeir illustrious commander, would go anywhere— it was a small 
army like that, under our matchless Wblukoton, which really 
decided the fate of Europe. I am not wishing to exaggerate the 
pillant deeds, of which we are naturally proud, of Sik Gabnbt 
Wolselet. I do not mean to say tliat they are to be counted 
amount the decisiye battles of the world, but I think we may 
say of them truly, that they are such deeds as thriU the hearts of 
households, and, by the examples they offer of energy and 
endurance, sustain and strengthen the tone of the «*^'«" " 

And then Mb. Habbt moved the Army Estimates— 
on his Predecessor's linesr— 

** Sic Tos non vobis Estimate— atis, «mt« /" 

He did his work, of course, in the delightfully candid 
spirit natural under the oiroumstances— nothing ex- 
tenuating, setting down naught in malioe (but probably 
setting up just as little in admiration), and reserving 
for future consideration 

*' all great questions which may arise with regard to retirement, 
promotion, the steps necessary to secure greater efficiency in the 
Reserves, Becruiting, and the Brigade Dfytts," 

For the present, the sum of our military case, as 
prepared by the late Government and presented by the 
present, seems to bo— 

** Cost " close on last year— no difference worth speak- 
ing of. 

** llecruiting "—So-so. 

•* Character of men obtained "—Fairly satisfactory. 

"Working of new Brigade System"— Not yet to be 
safely pronounced upon. 

"Desertion" — Very bad. Rises to 35 per cent, of 
recruits in all arms : in the Army Sendee Corns, to 14G 
per cent. I (Something wrong in thai branch, i)retty 
clearly.) '* Some new conditions are about to bo insti- 
tuted, which, it is hoped, will diminish this enor- 
mous prevalence of desertion." But we hear of nothing 
very hopeful under this head. 

** Health of troops "—Satisfactory. 

•* Number of regulars, 128,000"— As few as we can get 
along with. 

•• Military education of Officers"— in course of experi- 
mental remodelling, the late system being admittedly a 

"Arms"— All our infantry will, in a few weeks, 
have the Martini-Henry rifle instead of the Snider— a 
weapon of greater precision for one of less. 

"MUitia— Strength," 101,470,-t.c. 27,462 deficient 
Militia reserve, 29,103 ; this added to Army reserve ^ves 
37,530 total reserve force, all liable for foreign servioe. 

Of 129 Commissions, offered to Militia Officers (on 
examination), only 35 nave been taken up; but there 
is to be anotner examination in April. 

" Grouping of Regiments ; " a difficult busineaa, and 
has to be cautiously dealt with. Local prejudioes too 
strong to be safely ridden roughshod over. 

"Army Reserve"— (on paper) 7000 strong; but as 
yet a mere nominal force, neither to be sm at wiMa 
wanted, nor to be held to terms of aenioe. Wants of«r- 
hanling altogether. 



Aprii U, 1874.] 



*^ Brigade DepHs '- — ivstem us yet in ootirsa of organisation ; 31 
out of TO D^^xits only lonued. Expericnoe of working yet to be 

' Vdnnteera "— h&ve fallen in numbers from thoir origin&l en- 
rolled strenfftH of 199,000 to 153,000, but theao ore ciHcient- 

*' Total force/* including regulars and auxiliarios. 458»000 to 

'^ Thing nmsi wanted at the JFar- Office*'— LifonmHwu, War- 
Offioe ia at lost to have an Int^Uigenoe Department. If it wero but 
as easy to £nd the Intelliffen<» as the Department ! 

Note tbisr— the tail of Iul Habdy^s speech, but carrying, like the 
postscript of a lady's letter, the point of the whole :— 

" la it not B remarkable tlung (asked the Wah Sr.cii£TAaY) that tliough wo 
bad been in poiseaaion of territorioa upon the Gold Goast for such a great number 
of years, tht ra waa so little information with reipcct to the interior of that 
roiat ihiit in sending out the Ashantee Expedition aU aortA of uaeleaa thiogi 
vere provided, and alt sorta of oAoful thinga were omitted ? [H&. Olaj>- 
BTOKB diaieikted.l I am o&ly saying what has been eaid practically to-night 
^-thijt ulttu Sill (jarmt Wolskley tcoi ient oui th^ Gwernnt^nt was aAia- 
tuf^ i. That is a most unEatiafactory state of things^ and 

I li 'vii Deoartmcnt now connected «ith the War Oflioe 

''.■li will be satiafactory. Eiihtrto^ W4 Aar« h«m tup- 
r motion colkctett from firtiffn souftUt '^ ^^^'f' 
__ jnoraHt of our own e&imirjf and aw inm^ edonict ; 

but I hi iigence Denartnient, by correaponding with ofHcerfi 

in uTory i try, by cninng their attiotion to all the atrategit ul 

pr>iT*^ - : t, by obtaining information with rvgurd to toads, 

cat rjtiung connected ^ith their district, and by ob> 

tau .n with regard to our ooloniea and the means of 

dek'pn.c ;«l I Li 11- Ji^M^jil, \rill remedy tliia state of things/* 

Sin WtLFuiD Lawbon moved as usual, to reduce the number of 
mr ! ! sy 10,000, observing, with a perfect perception of the effect 

oi 1 u — 

' the diriaion litta on this aubject for several vcars, he 
itter whiter he proposed a reduction of 10,000 or 

country wiU be outraged in sueh a matt4ir. But there are permanent 
olHoers of the Treosuryi trained on cheese-parings and candie*emls, 
whom Mb. Dishaeli will do well to look after. 

♦* l.m lot' KIT!/ 

found it did T 

20,000 men, Tr : »Ti waa always rejected' by a large majority 

Colonel Babttelot administered, with good sense and good 
bamour, the wigging to which the Temperance Baronet bo plaintively 
laid himself open. Few Members talk such sound sense on all 
matters connected with eoldiering as the Member for West Sussex. 
In what be says of Lord Cabi>v\'ell, we ore afraid he speaks the 
feelings of most soldiers. Admitting that the late War-Minister 
had done much for the ArtiUerjt for the Militia, imd the Volun- 
teers, it woidd be untruthful (said the ColonelJ to assert that he 
was likod in the Army. He had trodden on its prejudioes and 
dangerously disregarded its ettprit de corps, 

*' It waa all Tery well to lay *why should not a man do ai well in one regi- 
ment ft« in anotlter, why should he nnt he pmmoted from one regiment to 
another, why should ho not deht as well in one regiment as another f* No 
doubt ho would fight as well, but wc had only to look to the last campaign to 
fee what tspn'i de corpt had animated everybody from the colonel to the 
drummer, aa if each tnought his own regiment the hest, and they might 
depend on it anything that luj uiioualy aflectcd that aenliment would injure 
the eflBcjcncy of tiie Amy.'* 

Y'ou never said a truer word, Cuionel. And you spoke just as 
much to the purpose on D§p6t Centres. 

'* llie great object of those centrea waa ' to unite in one barmonioui whole ' 
all the bfanchea of the Serrioe, Moreover, the regiment belonging to the 
county was at timei to be at its Bepdi Centre, so that both officers and men 
thould be well knoin-n, and that recruits should take pride and pleasure in 
joining their county re^jimcnt. But up to the present this intention bad not 
ot«ii earried out, tind whore recruits had been got for eouaty regiments, and 
iheae regiments for the moment happened to be full, inati>ad of keeping the 
reeruiU aa sapcmumeraries, they were draughted oflf into Scoteh regiments^ 
tnd sent to plaeoa where they were wanted to fill up raoancies." 

On Recruiting, and the Reserve Ma. Holms and Col. Alexaitdeh 
foUowed suit in the same sensible key, and, altogether the discus- 
non was an informing one, speaking well for the tnith-elicitinjf 
inEuenoes of Estimates prepared by one side and moved by the 

Of course Bm Wilfeib^s Motion for reduction was defeated as 
umuX bjr 356 to 45. 

Mr. Wabd Uimi promised the Naval Efitimates for the SOtb of 

Tuesday, March 31.— The Committee of Privileges, in re Whalley, 
has very wisely reported that the matter requires no further atten- 
tion from the House. Mr. Wh alley, and 3t)0 of his Peterborough 
supporters think otherwise, and the pertinacious Member for the 
little Cathedral Borough and the bic" Convict Blackguard means 
to move iuT another Committee, Don t he wish he may get it f 

<^ , *1 ^-fotion for Adjournment, Mn. Rcsskli, appealed 
tt' lament to make the needful provision for the interment 

iij ; ,.-.:>ster Abbey of Dk. LivmosroNE's remains. His family 
can ni>t, and ought not to be asked to bear the charge ; the Geographical 
Society have no funds. Me. Disbaioj wiH see to it. Under this 
Oovemment we hope there is no danger that the feeling of the 


FiBST few days of 
May^ the Mtjrry 
Month of May, 
will perhaps this 
year be merrier 
than usual. This 
increase of merri- 
ment will be pro- 
bably occasioned 
by a novel exhi- 
bition which has 
just been adver- 
tised. In addi- 
tion to the yearly 
show of jackasses, 
in the ureen ana 
cai>ering round it, 
for wliich the 
early days of 
May have long 
been memorable, 
there will be held 
tt show of Don- 
keys at the Crystal 
Palace. In order 
to prevent over- 
crowding at the 
entrances, we are requested to announce that common kinds of 
donkeys, such for instance as the following, wOl not on this occasion 
be received for exhibition :— 

Donkevs who wear an eye-glass, not because they are ahort- 
aighted, out because they thmk it fashionable* v i • 

Donkeys who attempt to give dinners a la J?i««tf» although their 
cook has barely brains enough to roast a leg of mutton. 

Donkevs, who in travellmg, still stiek to the stupid old con- 
ventionality of ordering wine they dare not drink, for the good of the 
house, and the refreshment of the waiter* 

Donkevs who propose for the hand of a young lady, before they 
have made oertom tiiat they will be accepted. 

Donkeys who are willing, **jiist for formes sake," to inscribe 
their name upon a bill-stamp, to oblige a chance acquaintance 
whom they know but slightly. 

Donkeys who imt their faith in ** crowded houses*- and ** unpa- 
ralleled successes *' as paraded in advert i«;cments. 

Donkeys who buy pictures which tliey don't a bit oppreciate, 
simply for the sake of airing their pecuuiosity. 
Donkeys whose long ears enjoy the music of the organ-grinders* 
Donkeys who give shillings to street-beggarB, and think they 
thereby do a charity. 

Donkeys who eonviviolly attempt to sing a song, when they have 
quite forgotten the words and really never knew the music. 

Donkeys who believe that genuine old crusted iwrt can aetnally 
be purchased at half- a- crown a bottle. 

Donkeys who think turtle-soup the quintesBenco of good cookery, 
and choicest luxury obtainable. 

Donkeys who get on their legs to bray at wedding-breakfasts, 
birthday-duiners, and all sorts of Boeial gatherings, which might 
not be 80 unpleasant were it not for their sweet voices* 

Donkeys who eat Bolmon out of season at five shillings a pound, 
and disdain to touch it when it coats but eighteenponee, and Is in its 
fulleist llavour. 

Donkeys who bid at auctions for things they do not want, because 
they fancy they are going cheaply. 

Donkeys who ore prejudiced against Australian meat beeauso 
of its cheapness. 

Dunkeys who will blackball men against whom they know nolhing, 
for the sake uf showing their own siukinesa. 

Donkeys who buy pears at twenty guineas a-dozen, and credu- 
loualy hope to find them worth tlie money. 

And, nmilly, donkeys who keep on sending jokes to Punchy 
expecting he will publish them. 


One of Mb. Oye^s promised new tenors is Siorob Piazza. There 
are not likely to be two Opera- gingers of the same name, or we 
would have suggested that this Gentleman should be distin* 
guished as Covent Garden Piazza. 




[Apbil U, 1874. 











Awful Dihilluhion of Me. Ooliqhtly, that KAawKsr YOUNa EsTHiTBUflT, on vi&ar KNOOxmrBiirKa at onk of Mrs. Lyon 


A Taui ov Passiok ; " " Daulah : a Stoby of tiik Day ; " and a laeqk Family of SENaATioNs in Taiuuc Volcmj^s, undeil 
EQUALLY siroaBSTnrB Titles. 


HoHK Secret AH r Cross must he somewhat at a loss— 

He being, na wo hear he is, an upri(?ht, downright, man, 
Whoae taate is nil for Ughtirjg fair* and not upon the cross — 
I No Mr. Faoin^-hoth-ways, who still iiims cat-in-pan^* 

With hii mal mterviewerB. the Grocers and the Brewers, 
^en the Churoh of England Temi>erates and EFAiytEND Cahon 
Then the Puhlioans and Sinners, and Teetotal dootrine-dinuerB, 
With Sir Wilfrid, that Sir Wilfnl, their zeal to blow the 
heEows on. 

One deputalloQ gone its antagonist comes on; 
Black-and-atl-bkok ont at one door^ white-and- all-white in at 
'tother ; 
*Ti8 hard work for the Messengcra to teaoh theso criss-cross pas- 
Within Homo Office precincts tlieir lires of wrath to smother ; 

Hard tt) hold Ahatainers tij^ht from Alcohol ajightt 
Keen red-h^it connter-imtant* from hii|Fets on trie atiLir-caso, 

Stay Ffeodum^B fierce abettors from clapping foes in fetters — 
ijid lor mutual repression they do malco out a rare case I 

Yet HoiTE Secretary Cross, if 'twixt extremes ho toss. 
Is spared the fame of proving that all whites involve their blaokB ; 

These rival Shibboleth -shonters, these wholo-hog out-and-ontcrs, 
To save Ami the toil of flooring, lay each other on their backs. 

Serenely Crosb may sit, of argument weU qnit,^ 
In the clash of connter-interest and counter-irritation, 

Sit and smile, and bow them out to the doom, beyond a doubt, 
Of Kilktnny'fl feline fighters— death by oross-extertnination ! 

* " I turned a cat-iiL'tMin cmce more, 
And BO I got preferment ! " 

Vicar of Uray, 


In a recent notice in a leading journal of the Monday Papular 
Concerts, tho critic ^oea into well- deserved praises of the four-port 
songs of the charming quartette of Swedish singers, who> alter 
winning the heart of musical Paria, have come to take by storm 
that of musioal London. He tells us quite truly that — 

" Their voit'es— two fio]>miios, mAtso lopnuio, and contralto — blend delight- 
ful h% that their iatoimUon is fiiultleM; «id tbo Mttmbte learw absolutely 
nothing to dt^airc." 

And then he goes on to inform ns that — 

"The Swedish ladies gave two port-sangs by Lr ^ . Sv^tMk 

Jb/Arur^ and ono bj EjfiEKHo$'£&. '^ Nttken* tli' eMa, i« 

itlotitieal with thiit which M. AMnaoisBTnoMAS has ^ ^ kiccd in 

tliL> Uil scene of hia Jiamtef --the scono of OphtUa* iiiudiiew/' 

This is exactly as if the critic had informed us that the author of 
an English song was '' PurciAE Melody/ * such being th« Swedish 
{StmSi) meaning of Folk-vmi. 

We have been used io Italian Catalofr i ' 
artist **Ignoto" (our Ma. Akon.) freqn 
the first time we have heard of the l.*u.^,w .: „ 
'* Popular Melody." 


1, but it is 

'■ 'inixjseri 

Mifttake and No Mietake. 

Moksionor Cafel has been delivering discourses in En^rUsh at 
Home, In one of them, according to an epitome of it in the I'tir^s^ .— 

^* Imoeeoabtlity, he eaid, it not Id fallibility. Tho very worst man may be 
infallible lo long ai Qod choo&os to i peak through him/* 

Of course he mav ; but what if the worst of men choose io tell 
lies ? To be entirely infallible, must he not be incapable ol deooiv- 
ing as well as exempt from trror, and tht i f r i cable so far 

as veracity is concerned t This not beiu^- ontroreray, 

perhaps tnese questioxui will be anawered in n^^iJicT xjiu^t. 



HIS ^ Morning Po$t 
evinoes a nice dia- 
crimitiatioQ in the 
headinj? of a para- 
jrraph entitled — 

"ATalb opaDoo. 
—A do;, wtw fttrcady 
bof9 about lui muulc 
KMOio not inj|loriom 
itiiHi oooompaxijed his 
muter, wbo oarricd on 
fiis faticast tbo Viotom 
CfO0i, to the Aah&ntee 
cumpiim. Being of 
|— w '-:i_^^ tiie buU-dog breed, and 

* "^^ with 11 natml turn for 

fighting, he dlatin- 
guiihfid hhniclf <ms^yt» 
rttloocatioiiB, and indeed 
throughout tho cam- 

Efiign, In ono infltAiic« 
nuhed into ttjc 

cnrmv's fjinka. and iingling out one of hia nnkcd ftx-'a, »o bit ftnd worried him that ho 
nctuaUjr brought in the prisoner in triumph. lie was aucb a favourite with the men that 
in A heavy engagement Uietr fire was suspended for n minute to allow of hli uninjured 
retreat from tnc of hia desperate foray a. He Uvea to enjoy his return and his honouiB, and 
at this momjent is one of tne grcatcat jjctd in ficlgmtda. 

** None but the brave deserve the fair," it is Bxm^, Certainly the latter aro 
partial to the former ; indeed they dote upon the military ; and no wonder that 
one oi the greate&t pets in Belgrayia at this moment is a martial buU-dog. 


Howcrerf in calling the nccoimt of this qnadniped^a 
exploits aimtjl^ *• A Tale of a Dog/* there is a degree of 
juapment wnich would not have appeared in entitling 
it ** Canine Courage," for moral pliilosophers quoatioa 
if the boll-dog Bpirit is truo oooroff^* And is not the 
better port of valour allowed to be discretion, which 
neither do? nor man shows in putting himself, ii he ooa 
help it, in the way of projectiles which laoerate fleah and 
break bones— unless it is ms duty f 

Now tho dog is not a responsible being ^ has no duty ; 
and can have no reasonable motive for going into action, 
except that which drove Napoleo:^ tite Tniitn to seek 
death at Sedan— the fear of something worse than death. 
That, to be surc^ might well enough detcrmino^ a very 
unhappy and also very sagacious dog to '* rush into th«> 
enemy s ranks,'* for a dog has no hands with which to 
blow his brains out, no soul to be lost or saved, and 
would i>erhaps be liKoly to get himself put out of his 
misery, in battle, more easily than in any way by which 
he could contrive to commit suicide. We doubt if the 
mere pleasure of indulging '*a natural turn for light- 
ing** would impel a wise dog to go under fire. 

However, all dogs are not wise— unhappil^v, wo might 
say, if puj^acity like that of the soldiering bull-dog 
above-mentioned could be turned to account. What a 
blessing it would he^ dear fiiends, if we oould fight 
all our battles, whether with Ashantees or any other 
foreigners, by means of bull- dogs ! 

Kevortheless, honoiir to the brave ! Tlie Victoria 
Cross is a symbol which a quadrup«d should not wear ; 
but might not the pet hnU-dog of liclgravia be decorated 
with a suitable Collar of the Order ? 



My Drive Ct/mfnence$ — Tico Ihivcs ami a Riik—End of Jarmt'i 
Cob — TrotCt Quiet AnimaL 

The Shambling Ostler wants to know if At? is to drive Jabtk'b 
horse. The alternative is my driving him. 

Jiappy Thought'— Lei him drive. Just because he is Jarvib's 
own man^ and, therefore, if anything happens to the horse, the legal 
maxim* Qui facU per aHutu fucit per st\ wiU hold good— **.<?., when 
Jahvi8*8 paid agent, the Ostler, is driving, in effect Jabvib himself 
is liolding the reins. 

JARAis'ft Ostler IB faciting per se for Jaevis. 

I ent4>r the well of the T-cart behind. Dick the Ostler mounts to 
the driving-box. I stand up, holding on to the rail in front, after 
the manner of a Groom in a break when they 're trjing steppers. 

This position, mv eye on the horse, has a eporting look as we drive 
into the lane, and leave Muhgle at the gate staring. 

My first impression of Jahvis's Cob is, that he is ciirioUBly clever 
in the use of his near fore-leg, which he seems to employ in preference 
to any of the others. He beats time with it, nmi-king, as it were, 
the first note of each bar, 

tlappy Thought {which I hvvp to mt/sclf because it itouhl hv tost on 
the Om€r).'~U'' time Hies," and J.\svib*8 Horse can beat time on the 
road, at what a tremendous pace JAUvift's Horse must go. Work this 
out, and put it down to Sydnev Sjhth. 

i remark, on this leg, to the Ostler. 

•*He seems," I say difliJently, not likiug to pronounce that he 
Aotaoll^p^ tli>c9 what I am Roing to complain of— and after all I may 
be deceived, and the Oetkr must hv cotiBidered as an expert — ** He 
seems/* 1 eay^ **to rather stump on his near fore-leg," 

The OstW is a man of very lew words. Ho s|>ares one or two for 
me. ** Lor\ no, 8ir," he replies, huskily, and without turning. 

Now, if ever 1 saw a stumper with my own very dear eyes, that 
stumper is before me, and is the near fore-kg oi Jasvib 8 horse. 
And if ever I heard a stumptr^ that stumper is tho positive negative 
of my proposition conveyed in the Ostler'w reply, 

Now, which is right f— he or I ? Can 1 doubt my senses ? If so, 
which sense f — my sight or ray hearing i^ or both? I Bee the horse 
stump, I hear him stump, and I also hear the Ostler deny, totidctn 
verbt8t that he does stump, 

;r .,,_,. Thoughts — New sign for an Inn. Instead of the " Magpie 

' " the " Morac and ^StumpJ* Will send this to the jjcrson 

r}. . L^u signs for Inns. By the way, who is he i* Is it a regu- 
larirrofession,— the Sign- Inventor ? 

Tlie Ostler makes a mysterious noise. When the horse hears 
this, he stumps less, and goes vitiicker« 

** It *s only his way at starting sometimes," the Owtler explains. 

So far I see the Ostler is rights The horse has dropped his stump, 
and is going well— with an exception. He doesn^t seem quite to 

know what to do with his head. H© jerks it up loosely, about every 
two miimtes^ towards the left, as though he were saying, *^ Look 

here ! Come this way, down to the left : that 's where I want to g*i." 
I remark this to the Ostler. 

**That ain*t nothing," replies the Ostler. "It's only hia way. 
He 's as sound a little 'oss as can be. If you was to drive nim all day 
he *d be no diiferent," 

To the horse*8 credit-side I must note that he doesn^t shy, doesn^t 
rear, or attempt to run away. That, in fact, ho w quiet in 

I observe that I should like to take the reins. 

The Ostler makes no objection. We change places, I drive, and 
the Ostler looks over my shoulder. I wish the Ostler bad brought 
out a pocket-handkerchief. Sniffing may bo, and probably is, 
economical, but it is unpleasant. Now I think of it, I never re- 
member having heard of, or seen an Ostler with a pocket-handker- 

We turn to the right on a new road. 

The horse seems tu bang on my hand heavily. 

This the sniffing Ostler attributes to the bit, ** which," he says, 
" don't give no freedom to the mouth." 

I can^t help remarking that this stumping with his near fore-leg 
Buggests lameness, 

*'Lame! Not him, Sir* it 'a only at startia' agen as he does it/* 
replies the Ostler ; and tnen mokes a new noise, something between 
a sniff and a ehirnipi which is evidently reoogiiiBed by the horse 
a» a sotmd of encouragement, as he, in iporting phrase, *' pulla 
liimself together,"— he la rather in pieces with detaofied legs acting 
on their own account, like those of his owner, Jar vis,— and goes 
along as though be had never known what stumping meant, 

Ilavp!/ Thought,—*^ ytumpintf the country,"— another idea for a 
sign-noord, — *' The Ilffrm and 6>/iY/A"«r," or, *"Oi*e and Orator*^* 

I don't think he'll do. On returning I find TftOTT the yet, 
who has come over with a horse. OiopriN himself looks in. 

Troths Aor*e.^'* Gay, light-hearted, carries his head well," and 
his tail, too, for the matter of that ; in fact, his tail is more elieotive 
than his head, as he has a way of fiourishmg the former round and 
round triumphantly, with a kind of Catherine-wheel effect. 

Disadvantages of TBOTT*ft horse,— B.^ (the horse) is nearly sixteen 
hands, which I find an obstacle in mounting. I don't get on very 
easily, and it occurs to me that it is a nasty height to fall. 

Advantages. — He is ** showy," and, what Thott calls, a ** Gen- 
tleman ^s horse every inch oi him," He 'swell worth his money 
(says Tkott), if I take him at seventy ; and every week will in- 
crease his value. Some people would be glad of him at a hundred ; 
ot\ty that having promised to get something good for me, Tbott 
has brought him nere directly he (the horse) came out of the 

Haiffir/ ThougfiL— Kind of Thott, and thoughtful, 

Thifl puts J AK vis's Cob out of the question. Let Jabyis have hia 
Cob back. 

'*! think you're right Sir," says Thoit, confidentially speaking 
about Jarvih's Cob* ** It *s not the sort of thing for you. It ^ud do 
very well for a butcher, or Mm Jab vis himsdl to kiiock about oav 




[April U, 1874. 








Wife, **GooD OKAciors, GRonoE! what are irou (joino to doT'* 

Otor^ (*'«A« W «> hasifj "), *' Well, MY DEAB, YOtJ TAI^KED of WARKBOUfilNO 

ARE flo Dear t " 


{Mttrch 2Sth, 1874.) 

^,B.—Puitch, as a ralcj prefers the vernacniftr, 
HOE^VCK lias a right to veil the mysteriea of Imb in 
own Latin. 

RtJBSus hen! vioti rcdiere nortri \ 
Rursaa vi Cami rapuit juTentu* 
Kobtlcm i>tilinami asaidai laboris 

Mite lev&tnen ! 

Fora, dill nobis placid a et benigna, 
Ore mutato nee ut ante nostris 
Annuens romis. procul avolavit* 


Heal Quibus nostris vitiis iniqims 
Tu sini» Camnm doTni^^r*' iT^iiltum ? 
Cur, pater, vietum l- i)otts 

.', ■ .■,:. -., Isib't 

An snnm tanti Tomcsis Melis 
Pnesidem DiaRTJ^m,* nihili ivstimatuni, 
Yindioat poena ? Scelerisne nostri 
Hooce piamen ? 

Qnem vocent victi juvenes mentis 
Hemigi rebna ? Pr^ce qua f atieent, 
Dum rubent, Abnam mmiis audient^m 
Carmina Mat rent f 

Cm dabimt perf ^ ' «. xpiandi 
Principes ? T;i ; i ^\ precnmur, 

J^V/i'i*« Jl/om,t fcUiA.u.^ femia 

inclytus ohm 1 

Tu mdea ner?08 homtmitn n*ri*ntum X 
Voce fonDasli catiis et recurva 
Dorsa, eublimis rate vel propinqua 
Prcppes in ora : 

i^iopiua maguli male rcmi/^^ant^ 
Toco dum terres, rcsonabat undiB 
Dediiia ipso Jove ceu tononto O- 

-xoniuB amms* 

Adveni tandem ! pater et refeetor 
Kemig! usque Isim patiens. vocari — 
Protinus priscoa capient triumphos 

T© duce» noatri \ 

• Lord Uator. 


but you want something that *11 not only do your country work, but 
if you rfo feel inclined to ride up to town, tomotbing that you con 
fihciw on, and won*t be osbaroed of in a gcntleman^a atable." 

Quite my view. 8ci there *» an end of .Tar vis's Cob* After all he 
(M atump* **I know him/* says Trott, eummarily, ** tender* 

This pounds as if Jar vis's Cob was always having his feet in 
hot water^ or was a trifle K^^^ty. 

Utippy Thought.— T^ mk TROTT (as a vet) whether a horse can 
have puutf Trott &milea cuiematically. Clearlv lie is unwilling 
to impart professional knowledge for nothing. He has had to pay 
for hia education, why should ne give bita of it to mo gratia f I 
do Dot| as counsel say^ press the qxieslion. 

Will Tbott's horse go in harneBS. Yea. I can try him* In 
Tbott*8 trap. Luckily OLOPFTBf is abh' to aot'firopanjr mo on the 
ooeosion. Thott doesn't come, no Ostler or cmphyi' of Troit's 
oomes. My Aunt so admires the horse that she pruposes joining us, 
uid does 80. 

I drive. Aunt by my side* Gloifin behind* The borse starts* 
€880 y* Almost too easily, as he goes with a higli step suddenly out 

of the yard, and we nearly graze the gate-post and take the paint 
off Trott's wheels. It malkes me gasp. Though I 'm quite accus- 
tomed to the reins, vet I feel m though I were driving now for the 

first time. I turn 6im to the left witn no decided object in view of 
going anywhere in particular, and he steps out freely. 

But — tliLTo^s a fiomelMng — a sort of ui>heaving of his back and 
bind-quEirttrs — which suggests an inclination on his port to get out 
of his harness. To my mind hia very pace, his arobed neck, and his 
eagerness to bulj^e out his chest and throw himself forward, suggest 
the idea of his ieeling fettered^ and wanting to chuck it all oil and 
become the wild horse of the prairie, or, at all events, the browser 
on th« oommon* As I mat/ bo wrong, I keep these reflections to 

yaelli not wishing to make my Aunt nervous. 

1 feel, though, that ahe '11 nuike me nervous very soon. She ia 


perpetually clutching at the side-rail, and throwing herae lf ba ck 
whenever the horse makes a start forward ; of wlueh movcmeait 
(perfectly in keeping with my theory about his wishing to g«t qjA 
of it altogether) he seems to be remarkably fond. 

** He doesn't want the whip*" OLOPriw remarks. 

He doea not t and, if h© did^ I should not like to try ito effecc 
on him. 

*^ I like a horse that goes without a whip," saya GLOPPnr agaia* 
Then , to my Aunt, ' ' Don't you, Ma'am ? *' 

My Aunt replies, smiling cnnvulsively, ** Yes, it's a — mttv — 
ah! —(the horse has dartcil on, and she has been jerked back)— 
'*but**— (to me)—" Do you think he's quite quiet?" 

** 0," I answer jauntily, but with peoret misgivings as to what 
he *ll do when I want to turn bim and drive him back to Tkott's. 
** Oh, he 'S as quiet as a lamb*" 

Happy ThvuffhL^l 'd rather drive a lamb* 

A Bit of Ooldsmiih's Work new Gilt. 

Wrrnx lovtly Woman, once so jolly^ 

Finds, late in life, that hair grows grey, 
How make her case less melanclioly. 

How hide Time's step that none can stay f 
The only way his track to cover, 

To mask her age from every eye, 
And if she have a si)oon for lover 

To keep him still ** spoons," is— to Dye I 

APPALtmG TnorcnT, 

What a host o£ ** Home Rulers " we should see Avowed, if Womsi^_ 
could o^er themaelvos as Candidates at a General Election ! 

Afbh, 11, 1874.] 






Preeeptor, ** Now, oak any of you Tell kk anythijjo Remaekable ts thk Li^b or Moses 1" 
Jioy, ** Yki*j Sib. Hk was tilb oxly BIak who Broks all the Commakbments at okcbP* 


We have been long looking forward — if we should not rather say 
beliind the hoarding which naa lor some months eneloBed the so- 
called garden of Ltnet^ster SqTiare— to a hrilliant traniifomiation- 
B«en*J in that forlorn area. Nettlea^ mangy and soot^ingrained tnrf, 
withered shrubs, brokc^n bottlee, dead cats, and all the other abomi- 
nations of desolation whioh liave bo long held undispnted posaesaion 
of that melancholy epot — working un to a central climax of 
wofid waate in the [mutilated and mouldering effigies of the FiBjarr 
Geoege and hia steed — were, of a sudden, to be exchanged for green 
grafifl'plots, golden gravel-walks, and bright flower-beds, encircling 
& marble fountain crowned by a fuE-length statu o of SnAKsrEAaiE, 
and around him, at the four comers of the trim and taatefnl garden, 
marble busta of the four **^eMi* /wi "— Newtok, Ketitolds, Hooabth, 
and HuNTEB, 

The worker of this potent magic was to be Baeok Aluert Gbaitt. 
wbo, fired with a desire to embellisb our great MetropoUflj had 
acquired for a round sum all but all the proprietary rights m the 
ground that money conld buy, with a view to hand over the area 
so acquired, after embelliabing it as we have described, to the 
Metropolitan Board of Workfl, to have and to hold for the benefit 
of the lieges of London. 

This we call something like A Grant, and anjrthing but a 
barren Grant, deatined, aa we had hoped it would prove, to be 
productive of similar acts of liberality, taste, and mnniJieenee by 
other public-spirited persons. But, lo I a Dog in the Manger has 
barked ; and tne withering hand of Chancery is invoked to stay 
fMfl oonanmmation so devoutly to be wiahed. 

The "party" who has thus stepped in aa the reverse of a IJetiM 
ex maehtna. la^ we are informed, the recent acquirer of some small 
rights which enable him thua to oppose a great Metropolitan im- 
provement, and put a public benefactor to ©oat and inconvenience. 

We hope it will be found that the day for such an abuse of 
Chancery procedure is over, and that E<iuity distinctly declines 
any longer to be perverted to such ill purpose. At all events, 

Parliament can override even Eauity when iniquitoua ; and we hope, 
in this case, if the Vice-Chanceflor fee powerieaa to protect Leicester 
8quar© against the Dog in the Manger, that the House of Commona 
will be able to defend that luckless area against Vice-Chanoellor 
and Dog in the Manger both together. 

(RnoADES, CittiMf and Way, Oxon.) 

The right Way of two Eoads, 
Those to winning and losing, 

May be hit in three modes — 
By style, strength, or both, using* 

The light -blues will still sway 
The stem dictates of Fate, 

While their Rhoades takes a Wat 
So uncommonly straight. 

But the Way that was rowed 
By this year's darker blue, 

Most certainly showed 
Far too much of a ** slew." 

Long their faith may both pin 
To strength, style, and f airplay. 

But Oxford won t win 
Until Rhoades is a Way, 

Falm and Willow. 

On Sunday last week a good many people were obierved froinf 
about carrying Willow -branches in bud, In answer to inqiunea, it 
was said liiat they carried Willow because the day was Falm Sonday^ 
Probably they were Iriah. 


Baik-Ckairman* *"* I a*POfis tee Duks of EDmsoBo' akb hib Mibsib will 

Potictmaiu *' Ko, tbrt wonV. Thist ain't in Town." 

BtUh-Chainnatu **Atnt tbkt ?— I say, if that Old Lahy lir mt Chaul 



'The lion hw not w yet oome to He down with the Lamb^ but Victob- 
SotAjnno. and Francis- Joseph are on visiting terms. Who fchall undertake to 
•^f that the man who predicts that the MiUennium will arrive between this and 
^he finrt of this month next Tear is a fool ? Not above ten yeaiu since, at 
» ©nioe, the Austrians and the Italians were found refusing to sit in the same 
«^<>/^a. Two veArs Jater the Italian army was beaten by an Austrian force at 
OuRtowa, ana the Italian navy at Liasa. Yet last year the King of Italy waa 
^^thujia»tically received at Vienna, and the Empebob of Austria may expect 
^^le aajne reception at Rome. II Me Galantnomo at the late celebration of hii 
Jtibiled indignantly tore np a memorial presented to him from the inhabitantft 
^M. Triette, prmying that tney might ceaae to be Austriaiu and become Italian, 
^^hA Gomnpondent of a oontamporary concludes a aeries of remarks to the 
^orvgoing effeot by the observation that :— 

^' It \m tcaroely too mach to iay, that no on^ has more brouebt about this cordiality 
^Han tha For a. All the Power* on Ihe Continefot bare learnt that ihey have a common 
f^M in the Eoman Church. Tht Vatican Council, which decreed the infallibility of the 
^OFE« aounded his knell." 

That is the knell, so to speak, of the Temporal Papacy. Far distant be 
t-lie time for soundini^ a kneU literally, in personal relation to the Pontificate, 
Vita ii Papa ! thougn not as U Papa Me, May his Holiness outlive the annm 
Petri by many years beyond his present number in the enjoyment of all true 
temporal blessings, amongst which his best wishers would nardly reckon the 
ear«a ol the Temporal Power, It is hoped that thus muoh may be said without 
maumption, though to invoke a benediction on the Pope of Rome may be 
aetmed not only an impertinence but also a carriage of coals to Newcastle. 
Thero i% however, a blessing even of a spiritual nature which perhaps it is 
DO odsnoe to wish that the Holy Father may realise when he considers how 
hifhljr he haa contributed to bring about the cordiality at preaent existing 
bHwwm an the principal Continental Powers^ with United Germany at the 
head of them. Can tbat blesaing be so much as named without appearing 

in a manner to neglect an admonition which warns na 
not to teach an a^d female relative a peculiar method 
of eating egirs ? Beati pacijici / Meditation on that 
merited beatitude might greatly solace the sanoto- 
paternal heart. 



He sang it at morn, when the rooka took flight 

Over the misty hiH : 
He sang it at noon, when the sun was bright 

In the drip from the wheel of the mill : 
He sang it at eve, when with weary hool 

Home came the plodding team, 
And he sang it at night, 'neath his crazy roof, 

Tin his song died of! in his dream : 
And the song of Hodoe was in minor key, 

Less of mufiio in it than moan : 
The song of a life that blank of glee 

From youth to age had grown. 

** Children eight, and a wife sore- tried, 
And twelve bob a- week to feed us : 
They do say as we be our oonntry*a pride- 
But she don^t seem much to heed us. 

** Parson do preacb» and tell we to pray, 
And to think of our work, and not a!sk mm pay ; 
And to follow ploughshare, and never think 
Of crazy cottage and ditch-stuffs stink — 
That doctor do say breeds ager and chills. 
Or, worse than that, the fever that kills— 
And a' bids me pay mv way like a man, 
Whether I can't, or wnether I can : 
And, as I ha'n't beef, to be thankful for bread. 
And bless the Lord it ain't turmuts instead : 
And never envy the farmer's pig, 
For all a' lies warmt and is fed so big ; 
Wbile the Missus and little *uns grows that thin. 
You may count the bones underneath their skin : 
I *m to call all I gits * the chastening rod,* 
And look up to my betters, and then thank God, 

'* For my children eight, and my wife sore tried, 
And the twelve bob a- week to feed ua : 
They (h say we be the oountry's pride— 
But it don't much seem to heed us ! 

** Parson he preaches of Beulah*s land, 
And the sheep, all sorts, at the Throne> right 'and— 
I often thinks how *b their 'lotments given, 
With landlords and farmers and labourers even- 
To think of a place with no shop to pay. 
And no workin' through winter and summer^s day ! 
And never no clay to dog a manV. feet, 
Nor no smocks to be muoKcd wi' the rain and sleet, 
And to think of the Missus and childer in white, 
Well-fed, and well-olod, and all in the light, 
Wi* plenty to eat, and time to play. 
And no winter nights to shiver away ; 
And I thinks till the pains drop oflf o* my back, 
And there *8 no rheumatics my joints to rack, 
Thoiiph what ^s afore me I knows, right w«dl— 
The workhouse ward and the workhouse shell. 
Well, there's troubles for labVers and farmers alike^ 
And p'raps tain't for aich as us to strike : 
P*rap« there must be poor as well as rich. 
And I 'd best stick to plough and hedg« and ditch ; 
Though bellies may pinch and bairns may squaU, 
There *» Hope, like Charity, for us all* 
Jo£ Abcs he talks well, and, to listen to he, 
There 'i wonders 'tother side the sea — 
But I dunnow, somehow I 'm ti»ed to here, 
And 1 'II do as I 've done this many a j 

* With a f am'ly of eight, and wife sore tried, 
And twelve bob a- week to feed ns : 
They do say as we be our country's pride- 
But it don't seem muoh to heed us \ '* 



Q, Can you give any other name for a Ship's Cai^water f 
A, Yes. ASe^nw. 

^ti. wv% 







[April 18, 1874. 


1 the world it maitera 
vastly little what tlie 
words he of a Bongi no 
long as they he fortunately 
married to good music. 
Singers in society are 
rarely very careful in their 
articulation, and song- 
writers arc doubtless well 
acauainted with this fftct» 
ana therefore apt to take 
small pains about their 
lyric compositions. This 
in some way mnv account 
for the surpritimg silli- 
ness, and hardly compen- 
sating sweetness, of manj* 
very popular and hig-hly 
sentimental ditties. When 
we listen to the tuneful- 
ness of Me. AiirnuR Scl- 
LIVA»*8 ''Litfk Maid af 
Arcadee" we feel tempted 
to compose n companion 
piece of poetry » with the 
nope that it might lure 
him into takinj? out his 
note-hook, and delighting 
every drawing-room with another pleasant melody. Embemahed 
with an elegant and highly-coloured portrait of a pretty lad if 's^ 
maid, or sentmiental kitchen ditto, our song, were it entitled ^^Litih 
Maid of Belgravee" would doubtless charm the listening ears and 
touch the tender heart of many a John Thomas. 


A Dream after seeing the School far Scandal at the Frines of 


I WAS enchanted, I was ravished with pleasure. I had 
supper, and an animated discussion. I went to bed, and fell asleep. 
In my dreams,— for I was troubled with dreams that night, and 
will not take supper so late again — I fancied I was Somewhere ^ I 
don't know where, and met Mb. R. B. Sheridak, who etraightway 
informed me that he, too, had been out that nignt, in order to be 
present at the Prince of Wales's. I record what I can remember of 
the conversation which took place between the lUustrioUB Author 
and Your Representative :— 

Your Representative* I trust. Sir, you were both pleased and 
satisfied inith the performance at the Prince of "Walea^s Theatre ? 

Sheridan, Why, Sir, I amnot inclined to be pleased with anything, 
or anybody. For nineteen years I had been endeavouring to tatisly 
myself with my own style in The School for Scandai^aixd never 

Your Representative, What did you think. Sir, of the dressea and 
the scenery at the Prince of Wales's ? Was not the illusion perfect ? 

Sheridan, 'Egad, it was not an illusion at all : it was reality. 
From a painted ceiling to a tea-cup, from a black hoy to a candle- 
snuffer, there they were. It positively grieved me to turn from my 
place on the stage towards the audience. If it were not that I fe^l 
some delicacy about startling Mb. and Mbs. Bancboft, I would visit 
them on purpose to tender my most sincere thanksr compliment 
them, as tney deserve, on their liberality and good taste, and o€er 
a few suggestions. 

Your Mepresentative, I am sure they would be pleased to see you. 

Sheridan, Hum I you forget what David says 

Your Representative, David the Psalmist P 

Sheridan, Odds harps and harpstrin^s, no. Sir I My Bavtd, 

Your Representative. Ah, in The Rivals ? 

Sheridan, I am glad to find I am so well remembered. ** Our 
ancestors," says he, *' are very good kind of folks : but they are the 
last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with/^ 

Your Representative, An idea which yon usea in another form in 
The School for Scandal, 

Sheridan, Sir, you belong to the category of damned good-natured 
friends ; but let me tell you there are more ways than one of serving 
venison. But as I shall not disturb the repose of the Management 
of the Prince of Wales's, let us discuss some items of the latest 

Your Representative. Thank yon, Sir. If yon would favour me 
with your view of Mb. Bancboft as 

Sheridan, Joseph Surface f With all the pleasure in Elysian life. 
'' ' " ^ ' - . - artistic study, was 

highly a 
udy."^ I 

Mb. Bancbofi's Joseph Surface, as a „ 
admirable. I say emphatically "as a study." I can make no com- 
parisans. For, as Mb. Bancboft was CAPXAm Hawtbee in Caster so 
ninety -&eve a years ago, Mb. Palmeb— Plausible Jacx Palmeb— uhm 
Josj^FB SuEFACE to the life. The sreat merit of bis perlormanoe was 
that artidcial as is the character. Mb. Bancboft never forgets, even 
in the scene with Ladi/ TeazU^ which most near^ approaches 
passion^ that JosepKs assumed strait-lacedneas of oemeanor^ has 
becuTue part and parcel of himself, and cannot be thrown entirely 
Bsjd' , V 1 1 : 1 he is well assured that the cloak is no longer neoessary 
to his designs. 

Your Representative, Sir, I am beholden to yon. 

Sheridan. Their arrangement of scenes (exoept in the First Act 
where Lady Teazle and Sir Peter fall out in Lady SneerweWs 
drawing-room), was an improvement— yes, really an improvement — 
on my own plan. What say you ? 

Your Representative. Sir, I would not venture to differ from so 
excellent an authority. The stage management throuirhout was. 
even for the Prince of Wales's, exceptionally good. The natural 
arrangement of Charles Surface's guests aronnahis table, the ease 
with which the seating of Moses on one side, and of Mr, Premium 
on the other, was managed, contributed materially to realise what 
the half -tipsy reckless party would have considered as the fun of 
admitting a Jew money-lender and a broker within the obrcle of their 
own choice society. 

Sheridan, I wish Davt Gabbick had been there. But he would 
not come. By the way, Gabbick wasn't so tall as Mb. Habe, and 
the latter looked a pigmy by the side of Mb. Bancbofi's Joseph, 

Your Representative, And how, Sir, did you Uke Mb. Habe as 
Sir Peter f 

Sheridan. Gkid, Sir, I think Mb. Robebtsok had this gentleman's 
measurement down to the last inch. Considering the great diffi- 
culties with which he had to contend, Mb. Habe's performanoe was 
highly creditable to him. But, I admit I am somewhat difficult to 

g lease. Mb. King at Old Drury, whose wardrobe was limited, was 
tted to a nicety. Mathews inutated him, and did not satisfy me. 

Your Representative, Mb. Habe looked a perfect picture. 

Sheridan, There I grant you. But he was more like the i>ortrait 
of Uncle Oliver in Charles's room, than of my Sir Peter; as. to my 
thinking, he had a damned disinneriting countenance, and. like the 
ladies and gentlemen on the walls, he never moved a muscle. 

Your Representative. But, Sir, under favour^ Sir, when, after 
the discovery in the Screen Scene, he closed his eyes, as, for the 
moment, he shut the door of his heart against Lady Teazle, and re- 
fused to allow her to take his hand, was not his action excellent 
then ? 

Sheridan. I grant you. And so, also, when he hlnrted ont, 
" Zounda, Madame, you had no taste when you married me," his 
look of blank dbmay at being caught in such a word-trap eonld not 
have been better. 

Your Representative. But, Sir, what sort of a man did you intend 
Sir Peter to he? 

Sheridan, '^lifp, 8ir, the question 's scarcely a fair one. He was 
Old Teazle f in a farce, to begm with, and gradually the faroe became 
a comedy ; and Old Teazle grew into Sir Peter, He commenced by 
being an old fool— he ended oy beinfj^ an old wit, whose cynicism was 
the result of his folly. I found this out after I had fuushed him. 
How. to your thinking, was the Charles of Mb. Coqbjas ? I, myself, 
could wish for no better. 

Your Representative, After that expression of feeling, any opinion 
on my part would be uncalled for, had you not been good enough to 
demand it. To mv mind, Mb. Co>ohlak was the careless, loonginf- 
at-his-ease, good-nearted rouS to the very life. When in his chair 
at the head of his own table, he strikingly recalled to my memonr 
the figure of the dissipated husband in Hooabth's Marriage a & 
Mode, His peiformance left nothing to be desired. But, had 

Charles Surface would have Wn perfect. This may be considered 
hypercritical, and I admit that this trifling accidental defect in 
no appreciable degree detracts from the merit of this dever actor's 

Sheridan, They did not make so much of Moses as we did 

Your Representative, No, Sir ; and I oonfess I was not Borr^to 
see this infraction of ancient custom. Moses had degenerated mto 
buffoonery, with a catch sentence of " I '11 take my oath of that I " 
They do well to keep your Israelite in the backgroond. At the 
Prince of Wales's, Moses is very much where Moses is in the dd 
riddle " when the candle went out" Talking of isnoratioBt, by the 
way, there was a strikingnovelty , where all was so stzikiiigly iimli 
in giving Sir Bef^min Baekbiie to the/niiM premie r* 
n. Novelty, Sir I 


April 18, 1871] 




Your Mepresentittwe, Why, Biif Sir Beryamin Backbite is usually 
given to a low comfdtim. 

Sheridan. Zonr ^ ^ there neyer was suoh n mistake. Tbe 

Muuigement of 1 of Wales^s W acted most wisely— a rare 

inttanoe in the ki^iury ui theatrical managements. 

Yaw^ M^nsmtative, Present company 

Sheruhn (tmiWri^). Not excepted* Sir, I do not think that the 
now-txiBtiDg Committee of Old Drury would have been ao f ayoTirably 
disposed towflrdf me^ a6« I hear, they have been towards Me. 
CuATnmioy, But as I wan saying, they have done well and wisely 
at the Prince of Wales's in ^ving Sir Benjamin to Mb. Luf Ratite, 
whO| but for the drawback of habitual seK-consoiouffliesfl. which 
sacnfioea the interests of the scene for the sake of an individual 
anpeal to the audienct, is the legitimate successor of the original 
Mb. DoDDy the most perfect fopling of his time, ** the prince of pink 
beela, and the soul of empty eminence.*' 

Yovr Mepreimiative, And the Crahtree of Ms. Wood ? 

Shmidan, 'Gad* Sir, Crahtree is Wood. Pabsoks was mucb the 
same— a fidgety old fellow who afterwards played Cwwifrer— Imean 

YQ%fr Representative, Miss FA20rr Josephs was charming as Zadu 
Sne0iteli^ and Mbs. Miteby's Mrs, Candour was as good as could 
be wiahed. And as to Mbs. Bancboft^s Ladi/ Teaztet Sir 

Sheridan, Whatever the Manageress of the Prince of Waki'a 
do^ she does well. But let me hear vour opinion. 

Yintr Bepresentative. Well* Sir^ with all due deference, it appears 
to m© that the key-note of Mbs. BAifCB0fT*8 Lady Teazle is to be 
found in Sir Peter $ description of her : " She plays her »flr; in all 
tlie extravajrant f oppc-ry of the fashion and the town with as ready 
a grace an if she had never seen a bush or a grass-plot out of 
Groaiv^nor Square." There it is exactly*. The elever, quick-witted 
country girl, the niral coquette, who, six mouths apo, jogg-ed on o 

fillioii tn old Dobbin's book behind the butler, reluyed the fox- 
iiiire and accepted Sir Peter y has, with ready perception 
CI irements of her new rank, rapidly assimilated herself to 

the ctiaracter of tlie society in whicn she is henceforward to live^ 
move, and have her beings and seeing that she must either rule 
among the peaoooka, or be sneered at^ and plucked as an intrusive 
jackdaw, she haa at once successfully adopted all the graces and the 
manners of a woman of fashion. Giddy with excitement^ she is, for 
a brief space only, in danger of yielding up her belief in virtue before 
the specious doctrines of a detestably false nhilosophy. 

Sheridan (shaking nie hy the hand). Sir, tnia is all most true. 
Your Bepresentatire. As 3/r. Snake^ (and, after him, the recently 
unfortunate Mb. Jeak Lx:te,) says, **I soom a lie.*^ But to 
oontinue. Note Mbs. Bancboft's repentant air in the Screen 
Scene, and her look of scorn for Joseph when he attempts to aasiat 
her from the room* Excuse Imy saying it, Mb. Shebidan, but I 
cannot understand why on earth you allowed Charles Surface to 
indalgr ^ '^aut raillery — we call it **ohafling*' now-a-days, by 
yonrl -at Sir Peier^s expense in that trying and most 

, Serious, Sir! A plague of your seriousness! Don't 
ii. , Sir, That sc^no was farcical, and the situation was 

farcical, and Charles Surface laughed at it as afterwards Old 
Bowley laughed at it, as Sir Oliver laaghed at it, and aa we should 
bava laughed at it in my time. Serious ! 

Yaur Birpresetitatire, But, surely, Sir 

Sheridan. 'Slife, Sir, I am beginning to think that the youngsters 
pretend to understand me better than I ever understood myself. I 
am ,my own Loan Bubleioh. and my shake of my head means a 
deviUin deal more than I oould possibly have imagined. It is getting 
Iftttf, and we keep early honm. Besides, 1 should like to talk this 
OYerwith Gabbick, Be it your», Sir, to *' draw wise morals from 
uiy play/' And so I take my leava* Your most obsequious I 

Yuur Bepre&etitative. Your most devoted ! 

And 80 £ awoke— j^t in time to sign myself, quite widd awake, 


P.S. The minuet daneed by Mas. Baitcboft, Miss Joshphs, Mr. 
Wood, and Mb. Lot Rahtx, is alone worth a second visiti and the 
piotore and frame are worth two more after that. Even with a view 
to learned theatrical conversation at the dinner-table and at five 
o'tHo^k t^aa, everyone should see the revival at the Prince of Woles^s 
of th« ScM(d/or Scandal, 

Becoming Gftutlon* 

A WttiTiB on the Agricultural Statistics of Ireland, in the Irish 
Timea for April 4th, notices that — 

** Uonci shmrtd aa increase oTer the previous year te the munbtf of 2S79i 
wltOa AHii ijpmfrupsd) wor* 978 in aaceia/' 


What LimaABT Lii^iEa otQirr to Wkab,— Book Muslin. 


OR* •* cm PATTI NOK TtENE I " 

"Yes, all right; you shall have hair-pini, violet [jowjer, and foot- 
warmer," — ABHiaosi to Pattik Lavebjcb, 

(S« Meport of a taU Trial at Lip tr pool) 

How could the most errant d Stars not be caught 
By a telegram thus with all gallantry fraught It 

lint femme varie too of ten. 
And violet-powder, and hair-pins to boot. 
And even a wanner for each lairy foot, 

A hard Pattie wou^t soften ! 

How sad for this most enterprising lessee, 
That in spite of his telegrams frolic and n%e, 

Miss Paitib turned traitor. 
And if swingeing damages Apdison get, 
Punch must honestly own he will feel no regret 

To be a " Spectator." 

Young Ladies that country engagements accent, 

To their country engagements should strictly be kept, 

If by power of attorney ; 
And when a fair Star thus comes down from her Bphere, 
Punch can only exclaim, ** Ah, how/tfciYia her© 

Is Descensus Larcmi!" 


JTE pood news of last week 
includes the tidtnifs, de- 
lightful if true, that, on 
Wednesday morning", a 
Ene salmon - trout sup- 
posed to weigh from ten 
to eleven pounds was set^n 
by a ferryman named 
Baebeb, leaping about in 
the Thames on Gordon 
House, Isleworth, the re- 
sidence of LOHB KfL- 
ItOBICT. Among the belter 
news is the event that a 
salmon - trout weighing 
Tib, 44oz.| was actually 
caught off the island near 
the same place by a biirpe- 
man named Frsy. Mb, 
Tisy was oflEered ten slul- 
Untrs for his prize, but 

E referred to keep it for 
is own oonsumption » 
whence we rejoice to infer 
that he in a prosperous 
bargee, it is a hopeful 
fact that a salmon -trout 
has been taken iu the 
Thames, and a remarkable one that it was caught by a FofHk 


Appeoach of May with tints so gay 

Is what the minstrel muses on : 
But worthier far of poet's lay 

Th* inquiry that Tom Hughes is on. 

Masters* and Workmen's wronga and rights 

Macdosald too will sit upon| 
While I/»rds and Lawyers blend their lights, 

Home plan of peace to hit upon. 

Of Capital's and LabourV laws, 
. When thev 've the tangled clue undondt 
Let Men ana Masters join anplanae. 
And bless the Squire of Hughenden I 


A School in whioh very few Members of Society are brought np 
—a Chanty School, 







Afabk Stranger. ** OooB MoRNiNO, Mr. M*Oilp ! I haven't thje Pleasure of your Acqitaintance, but a Brotbxr of Mon 


[Otir Artisi botoi loWf (o disseinhh the too exuberant rapture that heama all ffwr his Ull4ah eowtUenemee. 


Fams, ^|>ri7 8» 
AfTEB the Ion If eat run known in dromfttic ejmals — a year and odd 
months (Sandaya Qnd alD— long enough to produce for ner parent a 
whole prog-eny of grandchildren in all forms and all lanifuag-es, 
Madame AngoCa Dmtghter ^vea up the jrhost to-night* There is 
talk of a procession of the Barnes de la Ifime in honour of her ohae- 
qnies ; for she has Bupplied that worthy sisterhood with a new store 
of chaff. Waiidering- through the Fish Market the other day, and 
venturing on a few friendly inqniiies after Ciinrettet Your Occa- 
sional waa met with a etorm of repartee, couched in unintelligible 
words and moat intelligihle gestures, which would have made the 
fortune of several comedies and pantomimea, If ever the world 
establii^h the univerji&l language which there is to he no mistaking, 
the Fish Market of Paris will be the school for learning it ! For one 
other thing let us thank Mile. Ciairette. She has proved, or should 
have proved^ to conviction, that for a play or an opera to he success- 
ful in Paris it need not be of the usnal unsavoury kind. A piece 
thoroughly *' Aon «^/<f "^barring a few little harmless eceentrioitiea 
which need shook nohody — Leco<1*s opera has had a greater suoccsfl 
than aO the horrors of late years put together. Everybody must 
wish that M* Lecoq had stuck to his colours. But not he. Your 
French writer or compoaer now-a-days is nothing if not unc!eao. 
So we get OiroJU Girofia from one who is musician enough to afford 
to know better. It is m the blood, somehow. However well they aO 
begin, thev come to this complexion at last. About lowers himself, 
from Tolla and Germaine to MadShn and Vlf^dme: Feutllet. 
after the Jfom/iii d*un Jeune Homme Pa utre, gives us Julie: and 
even Vjctob Huoo^reateat and once purest name of all, oatches 
the infection in V Homme qui Rtt. Not that I am comparing serioaa 
works to the banalities ot opera-bouffe : but the difference is a 
question of deijree. Let dynasties change as they will, the great 
god Priapus reigns in Franoe. It is curious to trace back the growth 
of his worship, and taking the work of his high-priest, M. Dumas 

flUt to wonder at the oomparative purity of the Demi-Monde whioh 
shocked everybody at the time» when honest old Scribe'S drama 
bourgeoi$ was stOl popular. It is a long st^p from the Dtmi^MomU 
to some of the author s lat<?r productions, I wonder, by the way. 
what 8c EiJBE would think of 11. Feulllet being called by the 2\mfit 
Correspond en t a pupil of hm school ? Also, I wonder much, though 
humbly, what that gentleman thought he meant when he said so. 

Now-a-daya, to be snffioiently nasty ia to be a Genius, as far as I 
can make out. Here is everybody reading Madame Bovary, an oMj 
novel of Flaubert, to whom puSlie attention has been re-direot 
by the utter collapse of his tirBt dramatic attempt, Le Candida 
'' Such a wonderful book ! " says everybody. So I read it ; and L 
defy Mil. Muoie to find anything stupider than Mndame JSomrJ 
anywhere. But we wade througii the deserts i* ; n s to lingefl 
on the oases of naughtiness, and are bound. I ^ be tUauk*! 

ful and refreshed. Duma.^'s bright wit and puli.i.c^ 1 ituoh excustj 
him many things ; but, as for his imitators that have neither witj 
nor style,— weO, they, like Audrej/^ may *' thank the gods they ars i 
foul," for it is their only stock-in-trade. 

Let ns, on our side of the water, be as decent as we can, and not 
quarrel too much even with our ermtio hut excellent Lord C&AJt*J 
BEmLAiN. We have given np the modesty of the eyo, Wf^rse InckJ 
let us preserve the modesty of the heart and ear, if possible. And 
dou^t let us get hold of the idea that, if we throw a parscm, by way 
of salt, into an immodest story, he serves to sw^t^ it. Suppose 
the salt were to lose its savour instead ? 

So, light lie the earth on Madame Angof* Daughter f We have 
had one glimpse, and a long one, too, of a world, even in the regions 
of op^m-ooi(^0, into whioh modest women may be admitted; and 
there may, some dajp-, arise a school of managers, authors, and com- 
posers who will profit by the lesson, and learn that, even in Parisy 
deoenoy does not mean failure, or indecency sneeess. It is a curions 
fact that MtU, ClairvtU^ who has made her Manager's fortune, was 
previously bowed out by three others— no doubt, because she was so 
stupidly proper. 


April 18, 1874.] 




There ore two Glotees of wlioiii 
Posterity will read the niunet in 
biographioal diotionaries. Both 
of them henr a relation to Leo- 
iai>AS, Tlie tirst, Qloveb the 
Poet, celebrated the Talour of 
that h€TO^ The second, CAPTArN 
G LOVER, of Ashantee renown, 
emulated it, Hsmpily, howeyeri 
there is this dinerence between 
CkVTAnt Glover and Leotodas, 
that, whereas the latter fell at 
ThermopyloB, the former lives to 
reoeivo the thanks of Parliamenti 
and to dine with the Lord Mayor. 

** h^iSJL DE liiiTRfi.*' 

A pnopos of a recent fiasro at a 
mat pablio school, a Member of 
the Gtjvcrniijpr Body was heard to 
remark that he had already *'a 
Master in hia eye/' Mr, Punchy 
whilst freely admitting that Gov- 
erning' Bodies are not to be ranked 
mi ordinary mortab, cannot help observing that the person referred 
to would be more Hkely to have a Pupil in his eye than a Master. 




MoTDFUL of the fuceeaa which attended the publication of Mohe- 
anrm, CMkkm Hazard^ axid the Trcbk Ttinptation in thia Journal, 
&o., m the true spirit of enterprise, and not to be behind any of our 
worthy oontemporariea in the production of g^enaine noveltiesi we 
beg; to present our readers with the Fint Number of a new Serial 




^«* ddapied <:tpp68»lg h ik» €xi0enci$M of this Paper 5^ an Emintnf 
Tranxlat^, All rigfiU r€$6fiDed. In case of any di^ffieuUies 
arm^q (nU of (hi m^aU adaptiUwH^ it u earnestly rtqii^iskd thni 
all applimtiens §hoM h$ fnids ai th$ OJia b^w«m the hourt qf 
Un and four daily, feh^r€ a Fighting C & rreMpondmi it tptcialljf 
rcCotiMd!, Pidol9 on hire hy the hour^ and Coffey tispen^ a cup, 


Book thb Foifr. 

The ForentofLu Sudar-an-he. 

Ov the first day of Apnl a Regiment reconnoitred the dreaded 
foreat of 8odar<an-be, in the department of Cellaret. Of six hundred 
Volunteem, mounted on hacks oi true Irish breeds called oork- screws, 
oalv twenty-one and a boy remained. 

Each Regiment from Paris took with it £ve pleoee ol cannon ; 
tk«ae put together would have made one gun. 

On the Slst of March the Directory bad issued the password to 
the tr*Jopt— **0, yon April fooll" One fool makes many. The 
woods and forests were crowded that day. 

The Regiment engaged at La Sodar-an-be looked to the right, the 
left, befure, behind, all at once* Each man, forming a square, 
kM^Ecd runnd. 

Klf.tii.r has said, " Etery mldUr ha* a nosd on hi* fact»^^ The 
zn tered this was a Kleber man. 

iier knew that should his leader fail, he could follow his 
own uuiti, — to death, or victory. 

The furest seemed deserted. Blunderbossee were beard at inter- 
Tals. Tlua caused redoubled vigilance in getting out of the way. 

In a natb a Soldier found a slug. He made signals. Nobody saw 
bim. fie repeated them. The slug moved on, and disappeared into 
mn amhtijih* 

In bai than a minute a circle of pointed muskets ffurronnded it, 
Huj eoldiers awaited the Sergeant's order. 

The Vivandi^re pressed forward. 

Curiotity is a feminine instinct. 

•*flilt:^ sbe cried. 

WbftD the Yivandi^re cried '* Halt P' the Sergeant dared not say 

iariy harsh 


Seated among^ the bushes was a Woman with a small party of 
infants of various ages. 

A Sunday-school out for a holiday* This was the ambush. The 
remains of one pork-pie was on the ground. 

*' A veal- and- ambush," said the Serp-eant, grimly* 

** How old are you all ? " asked the Vivandi^re.^ 

*' Our united ages are fifty next birthday," replied the Woman. 

'* Your name ? " asked the Vivandiire, in a tone singula 
and peculiarly soft. 

The Woman did not understand, 

Tbe Vivandidre persisted. 

Tbe Woman stammered. 

* * P-p-p-p-pic-nic." 

'* And the children's ? " asked the Vivandi^re. 

** P-p-p-ic-a-n-n-n-in-n-n-nies," 

** We will give you some soup," said the Vivandi^re, 

At this the Woman began to feel a certain oonAdenoe. 
there is soup there is hope. 

*' Where do you come from ?" asked tbe Sergeant. 

The Woman replied, ** Qr-q-quit© w-weU th-wi-thank you," 

The Serp:eant was stupefied. He often was* He haa once been 
an Usher in a School where the Ollendorfian system of languages 
was practised, and considered himself a fine teacher. 

He continued his interrogatories, and she replied, on this prin- 
ciple : — 

'* Have you my; coat or the tailor*s ?" 

** 1 have the tailor's." 

** Have you my ugly hat ? ** 

" I have not your ugly hat.*' 

** Have you anything good ? " 

" I have nothing good.'' 

"Are you cold?" 

" I am not oold.** 

** Are you warm ? " 

'* I am not warm." 

** Have you my brother's handsome nose F 

** I have not your brother^s handsome noee.'* 

** Have you the fine old leather gun P " 

** No, I have it not." ^ 

" Have you the wine ? ** 


"The ribbon?" 


** The golden button?" 

" No." 



** The coffee?" 


" The silver candlestick ? " 


" Then what *s the matter with you ? '* 

" Nothing." 

" Five thousand varieties of blaokbeetles 1 " exclaimed a Grenadier. 

The Woman gave a start of terror, U was all she had to gire. 

** You are not accustomed to eoldiets' language," said the 
Vivandi^re, kindly, 

** 1 h-h-h-ate b-b-b-lackbeetles/* said the poor Woman. 

** What have you to eat ? " asked tbe Sergeant. 

" Nothing but what she geta off the bushes," said the ViTandi^ie. 

** Sloe work I " said the Grenadier, 

" Berry much so," answered the Sergeant, grimly. 

The Vivandidre filled a cup. 


The children obeyed. They made wrv facet. 

"It's our fine old One*and- Three, obsen 
turning to the Sergeant. 

A thrill ran through the Regiment. It had not trembled in batUe. 
It shuddered now, 

"Comrades," exclaimed the Sergeant, "we*ll adopt this little 
lot. Is it agreed ? " 

" Hurrah for the *publio ! " shouted the Grenadiers, evasiviely. 

"Fifty thousand names of small potatoeal" exclaimed the 
Grenadier. He lived on oaths. 

"It is settled," said the Sergeant, and he kissed the young 
Woman, and cut a short twig for the benefit of the children. He 
was a Soldier ; I have said he nad been a Schoolmaster* 

The Vivandi^re jumped for joy. 

" I will give them our One-and-Three at half-price I " the ex- 

The children cried bitterly. 

" Vke la 'puhlique ! " cried the Soldiers. 

And the Sergeant, turning to the woman, said— 

" QmlJ&m ase-etf qm mm avam ! " (" what a day we are 
having! *7 

observed the Yivandidrei 


[Apbil 18, 1874. 




' Thx&b, Mary Ank, that 'S the 'At as I took iuke tbjou 1 ' 



SCESTE. — Workmff*men*a Temperance Aihefieeum. Ai a iahl^, seated 
reading newKpapers^ WiJLLiAM Smith erb, shillrd hrickhyert and 
JaH£B Blogq, Carman in the emptoi/ of a Coul-iner chant, 

Smither$ (lading down his paper). James^ I feel somewhat ex- 
liAHBted. Do not you F Suppose we partake of a little refreahmeiit* 

Btoqg, What do you propoBe ? 

SmUAerM. Mifflit I augfff^et tea ? 

Bhgo, With bread-ima-butter ? 

Smiihers, Yea ; and thall wo say a portion of plum- cake ? 

Bhgg. I think 80. [Beckons an Attetidant). Tea, milk, ingar, 
bread-and-hutter, and phim-oake for two. (Jb Attendant^ who 
retireit,) Doe« your journal contain any news oi int^rest^ WnxiAMF 

Smithfre, Little* A CorreBpoudent inquireB, ** Where is the Great 
Liberal Party?** 

Blo^a, Eoho answers, " Where ! ** 

Smkhers. Eiotiae me» Jasces. Echo never repeats the first word 
of a question, but always the last. Your ftieua Btbon was wrong . 
To the inquiryt ** Where ib the Great Liberal Party ? ^' if Echo oould 
reply "Where,*' Echo eonld aa easily reply ** Everywhere.'* And 
that would be the correct answer. The Great Liberal Party still 
constitutes the great majority of Englishmen. 

IM^^^etiitr Attendant with refreshments ^ and exit, 

Blogg. Yet that majority is represented by a majorit^^ of Con- 
servatives. If the Great Liberal Party i» to blend itaeli with the 
Grtfat Conservative Party, how is the Q,ueen's Opposition to be 
carried on ? 

Smithers. By the Little Liberal Party, Jaiies. By a Liberal 
Party formed of advanced Liberals, James ; in short, James, by 
the Republican Party. That party, JamMj I apprehend, will form 
Her Majesty B Opposition of the Future ; and Her Majesty *t 
Opposition of the Future will be an Opposition to the tluEEN. 

Biogg. lu the meanwhile, William, you anticipate a course of 
eesentially Liberal legislation ? 

Smithers, Certainly, whether the present Ministry remain in 
offiod or no. They will have forced upon them either Liberal 
measorMf or redgiuition. 

Biogg, Some of them» apparently, are not hostile to a l«rg« and 
enlightened policy of political and fiooial reform. 

Sndthers, r?o, indeed. And in some particulars not a lew have 
been converted to the most progreeaive views. For inatanoe, there 
is Female Suffrage. 

Bhqg, Which Mb. Disraeli himself, I believe, is disposed to 

Smithers. Convinced that it will tend to the amelioration of our 
venerated inBtitutiona as well aa to the elevation of Woman* 

Biogg, His aupporters* views on the Labour Question are tuppoaed 
to ho Dot unfrienuly to the Working-man. 

Smithers. Time will show. I trust that in legislating on oor 
behalf thev will not forget to afford us adequate protection nom the 
tyranny of our own Order. 

Bkgg, There are said to be those among them who are not iudia- 
poaed to entertain the idea of a Free Breatfast Table, 

Smithers, Lot us hope that they will balance any relief of that 
kind with a proportional reduction of direct taxation, 

Blcm. A Free Stable, for mstanoe ; a Free Coat*of-Arma, and % 
Free Kitchen, with untaxed male domeaticB. But still do you not 
think that the fiscal burdena weigh most heavily on the Conaumin^ 
Claflses f 

Smithers. The chief Conauming Classes, my dear James, are tha 
CouBumers of Intoxicating Liquors. James, would you legislate in 
order to promote the consumption of those (making a face ofdi§ff%ui) 
dreadful beverages P 

Bhgg* Rum, brandy, whiskey, gin, and beer. (Makes ttmilar 
faces*) Those pernicious fluids, tnoac del eterioua potions ! (Makes 
more faces* Thev both rnake faces ) Ugh! Reduce the duty on 
those norrid articles of consumption P no, Whxtam— never ! 

Smithers* The Liquor Traffic, James, will have to be dealt with 
cautiously. The taxes of the Temperate, like yourself and me. are 
limited to an inconsiderable amount by meana of duties whicn in 
point of fact conatitute an exceedingly heavy fine on national 
drunkenneas. Would you wiah that fine abolished P 

Bloffg, dear no, William! 0, certainly not. That ware im- 
seliish t^ the verge of imprudence, 

Smithers, It is in the power of every Working*maa, at 


Aphil 18, 1874] 




' Ckeerftd Agenl for Life Amirancc Company, •* Twt AnvAKTAOB or OUR CoM- 


to reduoe his taxes to Bometking almost nommal by beooming a votary of 
total abstinence. 

Bioffo* Let ua tben^ WrLLLiM, think once, twice^ and even thrice, before we 
demand any alteration of so advantageous an arrangement, 

Smilhers, Well» Jamks, it is now time to depart. Allow me to defray the 
exmues of our refreshment. 

Blogg^ Nay^ Wiijjam. it waa onr joint indulgence* Suppose for the enjoy- 
ment m a pleasure which you would monopolise, we draw Iot«» 

Smithcrs. Willingly* 
[*i* Ihty proceed //; makti the requm(4! arrangemenU for that mttde ofaHtlmg 
tcho M to '*ito»»J/* the Scene clmes.] 


"A CAMBftmGESHinE ViCAn/* writing to the Tiims, truly remarks that 
"the art of cookery, under the auspices of Me, Bcckmaster, is now assumine 
the place which it ought to hold among the accompli shmcnts of English Ladiea. 
It is, indeed, satisfactory to wq the agitation for Women's Kighta accompanied 
by a movement in the cultivation of their duties* Let the accomplishmtnt of 
cooking be as generally studied by girls as that of music i?, and the results of 
learning the one will probably prove in general a good deal more satisfactory 
than we find those of ichtruction in the other. The majority of our wives and 
daughters will be enabled to dress a dinner as well as they can dress themselves, 
and perhans better than they dress their hair ; and there will no longer be 
noBi te the unkind, if not altogt'ther uncalled-for remark^ that there are not 
many bfead-winners whose wives are able to make bread-sauce. 


It ia rumoured on the Stock Exchange that, stimulated by the noble Orant 
cl Icioester Square, a Marylebone Vestryman declares that he too has a Green 
in hit eye. It h believed to be '* Paddiiigton**' 

Motto por thb Isms of Couhi:*— ** Brief life is here our portion,'* 



[A Morning Contemporary ptibtiabt» the Bubiorned intereating 
nnnouncrmciit : — " Brioutoic AuttAiUUM. — xhc Mexican Axn- 
lotk, which have been for mmc time eihibito*! in one of tho 
boadsomo vosea in the entrance-ball of the Brighton Aquarium^ 
■pawned about a month ago. As the parents showed every dis- 
positioo to devour their eggs, the latter were removed to coo of 
iho troughs of the talmon-hatching apparatus, where the young 
Aiolotla may now be seen^ haTing just been hatched after i 
period of twenty days in tho egg."} 

I *M the Mesioan Axolotl ; 

And yon all that gaze on me 
Enow a thin|r be3rottd Aristotle, 

Who the like of me ne'er did see. 
By the many who come to BrightoBi 

When their minds they here recruit, 
I *m imagined to be a Tnton, 

Like the Greats Water Newt. 

I *m the Mexican Axolotl, 

From my native clime I 've oome. 
Not to be kept in a bottle, 

But in Brighton's Aqnari-um. 
To quietude oft though sticking 

When little inclined to move, 
Tou behold me alive and kicking 

Whenever I frisky prove. 

I 'm a creature between the Jishca 

And reptiles a place which iUls, 
For it breathes by lungs when it wishefl* 

And it likewise breathes by gills. 
So I *m equal to respiration 

Both on land and in water too, 
Being nearly in all creation 

The only amphibian true. 

The blood of me cold, not warm, is ; 

For 'tis that of a creeping thing. 
Yet the Siren , called puciformis 

In Zoology J this can sing :— 
That the Mexican ijeople eat us. 

They esteem us right dainty meals. 
For the table they mostly treat uh 

By stewing as you do eels. 

For our flesh they Ve learned to prize iib» 

Poor Sirens of savoury fame ; 
And if e'er you acclimatise us, 

You, perhaps, will do the same. 
You eat turtle ; why not fish-lizards? 

Though your girls call us ** nasty things I '* 
Our descendants may line great gizzards 

At the banquets ot City Kings. 

And suppose, from that fate to snatch them, 

We had eaten up aU our spawn. 
You, to oook them, would have to oateh them. 

And yon oouldn't when they were gone. 
His own children, old Father Saturn 

Stuffed into patenwl chops : 
And we shoula but have taken pattern 

From the sir© of the sons of Ops. 

Our intent had Fate pennitted, 

In the germ we hod nipped our brood. 
And you then would have been outwitted, 

If to rear them you thought for food. 
May the bones, though but gristle, throttle, 

That Briton who 'd eat our fry 1 
So prays tho Axolotl, 

lor what the word meana, Ax-my-eye t 


Thb latest rumour from Richmond (not that we gua- 
rantee it) afttrma that the Vicar has determined to preach 
a Recono illation Sermon^ ** with rough-cast about him, 
to signify wall/* 

Great Cubmical Feat (By Sni 0. W.).— Getting 

Gold out of COFFEK. 

No. nio.< 



[April 18, 1874, 





. V 1 1 







-^ V "f t\ 




/ A 





Ar;^ ---.■ 



Bergtand O'Lmry. " Double ! Left 1 Eight f What th» Bla2S8, Pat RookeTi d *yk make by kot Doublin' wid the Squad I f " 
PaL ** Shitre, SEBOEAi^T, 'twasjiV a fair Stakt I *• 


A i^ooD example n recorded m the newspaper fumouneomeiit 
of an— 

"LvcRBAKm OP Pay to Railway Sbrvahts,— The DLrectora of the 
Mid land R&ilwny Company baTB ^ren a gencml advuioe of three Bhilliiigs a 
week to their iWd«ide atatirwi-mastfri. f bey haTB alao depidcd to supply 
their porleni, policeraeHf »nd othrrs similftrly dituatedf with extra uniform 
clothiiigf Mild ftUow Ihpm four dnys' l>'ttve of absence annually without 

It may be reaBonaWy expected that an advance of the wages of 
Railway Servants will be found by the Midland Company well repaid 
by increased efficiency of service^ attended with decreaB© of acci- 
dents, BO that what they expend in wapes will ho very much more 
than made up to them 6y preserration from damages. Thus they 
will effect a two-fold kind of Railway Insurance— the inanranoe of 
their own pockets, and also that of theii' passengers' lires and limbB, 
These latter^ to ho sure, may be iDSured by their owners at an Acci- 
dent Insuranc© Ofliee, as for as their value in the event of their 
loss is concerned ; but it is preferable that they Bhould» to all pos- 
sible extent, he injured against being lost at all, Considerin fir this, 
the most thorough CoUBervative must approve of the Liberal Policy 
whioh h&a been adopted by the Midland Railway Directors. 

Wine not Whiskey, 

The fairer portion, and better half, of mankind know who are 
their friends. Woman neverrepays kindness with hostility. The 
Fennsylvatiian Ladies are wapn^ a war against Whiskey* Sine 
Cerere et Bacchofnget Venm, It is clear that Bacchus and wliiftkey 
ire not conYertible terms. 

A DFJDimox FOR Sm Rej^y Tnoitraoif. — Cnnuttion .* 
oomnme-ation devoutly to be wished.*' 

(-4 Native Melody,) 

Cacodau, de Fiji King, 

To resign his ucentre mean : 
Bery wise and pruaent thing ; 

Cede him throne to England's Qmsiir, 
Cacobau have all made square ; 

Get two hundred pounds a year : 
Free from trouble and from care, 

Cacodau he driuk liim beer. 

Coolie question settled now 

Like it never was afore. 
Put Kxchefpier straight ; allow 

Fijis eatee men no more. 
Every chief he say, ** Well done !" 

RiTOVo, Tui Cakau, 
MiAru^ all] and shout, each one. 

** Hip ! Itoaray for Cacobau ! '' 


A Pleasant Prospect! 

I OBSFJivE that the Broad Chnrohman of the DaU^ Nmm 
reports thai in a Ritualist Easter Service at Bt, Matthias, 8ontK 
Kensington, *' Noctuma are followed by Lauds," 

Good gracious, Sir ! What are wo coming to ? If the awfuL 
Anglican movement have brought ua to Lauda already, bow fioon 
may we not be struggling with St or- Chambers ! 

Yours, Jomr Kirox TwrrrEiia. 

A GOOD oRomro. 

Mr. Gladstone, who is working away at his Homer ^ gifw <u lui 
reason, ** Better riile H»mer than Home-Ruler*" 



OCTOR ruNcn^s 

j-uunir frietids re- 
fiUEQed their diiticH. 
on Monday^ April 
13, after the usual 
Easter recess. 


opened the work of 
the^ School by ex- 
l^ibitiug; liis large 
plan— quite aa im- 
posing as any Chriat- 
mas-piece ever di»* 
played by Blue Coat 
Boj to Lord Mayor 
— for Bubatituling- 
for the Militia a 
Reserre to be formed 
by rapid filtration 
of short-service men 
through the ranks into an English Landwehr. Thit drew down a scattered tire of desultory 
criticism on Lord Caju) well's Army changes— the ehort- service system, recruiting, and com- 
pulsory service — from such military exjjerts as Colonel Nobth^ {JE^'EaAL Shttk, Mk. 
U'Kkilly, Sir H. Wilmot^ Major Dickson, and Sir 0. BiLFoirR^tiU Me. Campbell 
BAJTMiBaiAJf, taking up the cndgela for Lord Card well, warned the House against pulling 
up the shoots of the miutary crop sown by the late Government to look how they were growing, 
and insisted on the homely wisdom of looking before leaping, Mr. Hakdy hacked Mr. 
BAinoiRMAJ?. After al!, recruiting is not so very bad. It wotud be premature to pronounce 
the Service, as now settled, too short to he sweet to Hodge, or our Re.scrves past praying for. 
Does not a British proverb say *' Service is no inheritance *' ? Then what chance for 
sohemes implying that the least pleasant form of service — Military Service — is to be every- 
body's inheritance "? For this imphcation lies at the bottom of Major Beauieokt's proposition, 
which may be most brietly disposed of as '\Prooshian," 

Of course, England expects every man to do Ms daty, but that doesn*t include 
regimental duty. 

So Major BEAtniONT withdrew his Motion, having ventilated the subject — "from 
all the airts the wind can blaw ; " for no two Members seemed to think alike on any one point 

Only one thing seems disagreeably clear— that the Army has been thoroughly r/iV-organised. 
Is it settling down again into a sounder and stronger order (as Card well « Co* maintain) or 
drifting nearer and nearer to chaos (as the military experts, for the most part, assert) F — 
tJitti is the question about which John BrLL has a right to feel anxious, and onwhicn ho 
wi'" t little light from anything stxited, or shown, in the Army disoussions of the 

bi . T far. 

1 ... ^..,.ij. -^ In the Peers, the Lord Chancellor read to the House Sm Gar^t 
Wolj^klkt's thanks in due form for their Lordships' resolution of thanks to himself and the 
officers, and soldiers, sailors, and marines. Ko one can deny that Beit.uinia has given 
Sm GAitNET and his brave companions in arms an ample allowance of praiise. She has now 
crownod the praise bestowed on all by a very good slice of solid pudding given to 8iE 
r himself, in the shape of an allowance of 125,000. This is what the Qitekn recom- 
and Parliament has cheerfully provided. Long may he Kve to enjoy it ! 
In the Commons* Good news for Art-lovers — the improvements in the National GaUery 


s iii- 

are to be completed in a year, ^ 

National Pictures will be lodged n 

of the Punch-bowl and Pepjicr-boAe 

stead of being diBtributca bttwnen 

house and the Bromptou Bi>' 

sent. So at all events ou: 

will now ^ "' - • ' ^ 1 

not a \' 

8jn U ^ y 

ftuesticm of Mb, BiaiyjyJL, and got no 

Ma, Bass, ^ * - ^^ i^ith the 

last rag of i obt— still 

hung out of tur I iniuv) v'jM.U5, — was de- 
feated by 215 to 52, 

T^nrlofM t^iffer as to the value of this 
dr i Xj for the serious disease of 

iSiTi , which is wide-spread among 

nuT labouring classes — and their wives. 
Probabljf the Scotch tallyman, or travelling 
pedlar, i '^ — the largest disseminator 
of the id the most regular cus- 

tom* r -ity Court for the Prison- 

pi ^ V dispensed there, 

:, kb credit a hlesaini? to the 

fMior mou, and this power of c i \ 

the (condition of Credit. So thou 

1C9 I H 

8 i?t.'n;i;i,- V uiu.- 

jni .It was the 

p!i . : :.^t kept alive the 

di ''dit. 

.\ 1-e debate strayed off into the 

queivtion : Wliich is heat for the Working- 
man— that Credit should he kept alive by 
Power r^ ' ■- intnent, or that Power of 
Impri^^ lid be done away with to 

get rid u. ^-. ..- ; 

We have long ago settled the quest ton for 
Master, why should we be still disciissing it 
for Man ? 

Unlucldli' Mr. Bass stopping short at £5 
had to admit his Bill was illogical ; so the 
House, under CBOss-direction, threw it out, 

Tho next time it ai)pear8 Punch ventures 
to prophecy tliat it wiU be without a £5 
limit. It may then challenge a division 
on its merits with a diiferent result from 
the present. 

IrtHbiexftiii/.—Bm T Joinr Lubbock, who 
has already attached his name for over 
to the Bank Holiday Act, was bowkd 
out in the attempt to throw th©^ cegis 
of tho Law over such Celtic Remains as 
have escaped pick and ploughshare. The 
schedule of his. Bill included dyke and'fort, 
dolmen and menhir, cairn ,and cromlech, 
bimal-mound and hut-circle, but said 
no thine; of later monuments. 

The House oares a great deal about Rights 
of Proper tj;, and very little about Celtic Re- 
mains. It is not to be wondered at that Big 
Ben was allowed to toll the death-knell of the 
BiU to the Tennysonian tune of ** Proputty, 
proputty,** in spite of Hope's flattering tale, 
and a formidable array, at the back of Sir 
John and his Bill, of names divided in the 
House, but making common cause in defence 
of the Mysterious, Monumental, and Mega- 
Hthio. Sir E. A>"rK0BUS, the owner of 
Stonehenge, declared that Archteologists 
were the most formidable enemies tl\e Great 
Stones had to fear; and yr^^^^i ^'^^ -^vn 
care as having saved them i ^ 

at the hands of a band of e:i' - 

vators, headed by 8m Joilx Lcuiii^xik Uim- 
self, Sm JoiTN 8 plea for his liiU was 
swept away by respect for " '^ nad 

fear of a heavy pull on 11 y to- 

gether: and his Bill v,'"^ ' . ..., very 

decidedly, by 147 to I' liope to i^e- 

vive in a more oompreh* m some day. 

Then we became practical, and really 
carried through Second Reading two usof lil 
Bills— Mr. Anderson's, for extending to 
Scotland Snt A. Cqckv.^v^'^ Kvi^ Va '<^iv^^ 




to I ^ 

"iiAmm. IB v«BT SoRiiT, Ha'ak, bdt he's dot sbch a Drbabfcfl Tooth aciik ur. can't «ee any PATrwrrs to-Dat!" 


" l*Lt1ing,'* that is tiaiictioned by Society, but *-bettmg-houses," 
tho kiw liaunU where kw rojtuts tempt low fools into low turf 
troasactions— ' high ' aod *low* makes such a difference, you Bee, 
— and Mr. MoiLLi^Y's BiU, for remedying an ©versight introduced 
hy the L<jrd8 in oinending the Married Woman^B Property Act, 
which exempted the lady*8 prc-nuptial property from Eability for her 
pre-nuptial debts, 

And tb< n on Tkursdrnj^ was produettl the exciting drama 
fif TIll^ BUDGET— to the most crowded Ilouee of the J^eason. 
Here ia a brief analysis of what w^o tMnk we are sole aa detorihiJig 
118 a great auccess for Sm Stafford Noetocote, Bailt., the ingenioiiB 
and ingenuous author :— 

The piece opens with a Prologue, entitled *^ Expenditure," in 
which wo are introduced to those very famUiar personagefs. Debt, 
Conaolidated Fund, Army and Navy, Civil Service, Pgst-Office» 
Packet Service, Telegraplia, and Collection of Revenue* Their 
united incomes rise to the impoaing dimenaions of £72,503,000. 

Act I. introduces a new Bgure — *' Kstimatcd Revenue^'— who, in 
a struggle with Expenditure, oomoa out victorious^ Estimated 
Revenue is the father of the ohOdt whose forttines give the leading 
inlereat to the night^s iwrformanee— Surplus, a lusty young giant of 
Six MiujoNs! 

In Act 11. the Author deals with the efforts of varions rival 
p<»wtrH~Indian Famine and English Fatneas, lieer, Malt, Railwavs^ 
iVc, &e.— to get possession of Young Surplus, or to divide his wealth 
among them. 

In Act 111. we have the division of the BpoU. Debt gets half a 
million ; I^jcal Taxation, for his children, Lttnatics, Police, and 
Oovermnent Buildings* Rating, a million and a quarter ; Income- 
tax, close on two millions (hy remission of one of^ the four pennies 
now levied) ; Sugar, two millions full ; and Horse Dutv half a million* 

The rieoe oondndes with a general dance of the Relieved Indus- 
tries, while the Disapiwiinted Claimants— Beer. Malt, *S: Co.— scowl. 
dissatiaiied and dincom tiled . in the backgrounds Though th«re were, of 
comae, some dissentient voices, we are Dound to state that on Thurs- 
day night the concluding tableau of SiE Staffoed'b neat and inof- 
fensive production brougnt down the Curtain to general applause. 

^ViV/fly,— After notices and questions oitaoellaneouB, tlie answers 

to which ehowed what a vast deal the Government must have 
under consideration , Me* Baillie Cochhank called attention 
to the Widows and Servants of Civil Servants, for whom the State 
makes no provision by way of t^ension. Mr. Cocilbajtk quoted 
Home hard oases of the kind, and tliere are but too many in the Civil 
Service a^ well as out of it. But the last sentjence of the Chancellok 
OF THE ExcHEQUEfi's aUBwcr Contains the pith of the matter : — 

** The proper systc^m to adopt is to pay our acnrantt fairlr and liberally for 
the work they are called upnn to do, and kuve them to uiake tlieir oim pro- 
viticoii for thoae thiy leuvc behind tbem.*' 

This, in or out of the House, comes home to common sense — so no 
wonder Mr. Cochrane took nothing by his motion, much as kindly 
feeling may have to say for it. Hard 'eases, it is said, make bad 
law. They are just as likely to make bad laws, if too sym patheti- 
cally listened to. The House must be hard of head, an<i, on occa- 
sion, hard of hearing at the ear where Counsellor Kind- Heart is 
whispering while Counsellor Common-Sense whispers to a very dii- 
ferent purpose in the other, 

Mr. Bkassey has Putich^s thanks for Ms speech on the Eo3ral 
Naval Reserve, and the expediency of doing something t^ '^t^' ""^hen 
the ties between Merchant Service and Navy. He poin Juj 

means by which more boys might he trained for the M' : ^r* 

y\ce more of our fii^ermen attached to the Coast Defence Foroii, and 
the NavalReserres more efficiently stimulated and better looked after. 

Me. Be48SKY speaks sense on a very weighty subject. The diffi- 
culty is to get the true blue Navy officer to believe in the Merchant 
sailor ; to keei^ the Admiralty from, more or less, pooh-poohing 
London and Liverpool, Tyne and Thames, Clyde and Mersey, and 
their rough-and-ready ** lolks'le hands." 

Mr. GtisTTKN denied the existence of any such feeling on the part 
of the late Government, and Mr. Wjlrd Hctjt on the part of the 
present. Punrh rejoices to hear that we added 2000 to our NaTnl 
Reserve in the course of last year, and that it now stands at 13,OCiO, 
But why is it not three times as large ? 

Mh. M'Gregor, for the Mercantile Blorine, digelaimed any preju- 
dice against the Naval Reserve. 

CATTAor Price showed how the Reserve's drill might he improved ; 
Sttt JoiiiT Hay how its numbers and efficiency might be incmi^ by 



THK MrsEtTM OF E^roNOsiro Geolocy ! " 

co-operation of Board of Trade, Admiralty, and Education Depart- 

Mb. IfoRwooD» Mb. Bentinck, and Mh. Goubukt raised a clioraa 
over \h- ' ^ -ri":nn of Poor Jack. Sir C, Adbeulkt, for tlio 
Boar»l tred to contest this conclnsion. There majr be 

natural ^ ^ ^ : . ten couleur de rose and Eed Tai>e on this point. 
If Jack be a.s g-ood as ever, then idl ahip-owners, snip-maaters, and 
ahip-mtn, pcmt mlly of Punch's aoquaintance, are in a conapiraoy to 
run him down. All report Poc^r Jack*8 deterioration — not more, 
howcTcr, than miffht be expc-cted from bad lodfring, bad food, bad 
wifes, bad diaeipline, and bad usage — ^in short, from bad conditiona 
ill ill points of life before the mast, all bred of loosened ties be- 
tween owner and man, eag-emess to save, and haste to get rich. 

If tbd diaonsaion led to nothing- very practical, it stirred the straw 
of a very serionB subject, and may, and ought to, bear fruit. 

WiU Mr. Brassey be pood enough to keep *' pegging away " at 
the matter, and aee that the Admiralty new brooms are set to work, 
and krpt to work, at it ? 

After Jack woa g<^it rid of, and a bip bateh of some twenty Esti- 
«a«tea YOted— including the expenses of most of the leading Depai-t- 
nieiltS| — Mb* Butt was beaten uy 125 to 88 on the Second Heading of 
hb Bill for lowering the Irish Mimieipal Franchise. Mr. JJtrrr calls 
tllii aaaimilaliQg the Iri&h Franohiae to the English, but Sir M. H. 
BnAcn pointed out that circumstances alter cases, and that the 
change would mean ^methin^ like 16 per cent, of the rateable yalne 
in boron^hs over-riding 82 per cent. 

Mb* Holkb^b is apiwinted Solioitor-General, and the new writ is 
moted for Preston, wnich may be more than ever, ** proud ** Preston 
at this unexpected pnjmotion of its younisr tl.C. 

Witli a safe constituency for his spring-board, he has jumped 
«biir oivor the heads uf his professional betters, the Members for 
ITorRTioh and Marylebone. AK if their seats had only been safe I 

Wumxf^kMM ABBITAL9 {April 13, 1874).— The Swallows^ 


Qebb is wisdom. It is printed in the Pall Mall Oazett^^ — 

*'In deliToring hii vifttation charge at Taunton yesterday, Akcildiacon 
Dbnison lamimted the break-up of the old religious positioa on tbt* Continent, 
BS being Mtisfaeior^ neither in f&ct nor in profpect. Ue condemnc'd oa worto 
eren tnan pereeontion that hostility i^ ti\\ dn^^n nrhich had »et its miLrk on 
the fxsDtnry both in England and on f ' nt, and vhich was the natural 

ofTapnng of nofetttred liosncs of |- uont, and aynonyroout with 

diiboUef in and rejection of revealed i ^ 

Always duly pondering what he intends saying to the Clergy, whom 
he instructs whenever he performs orchidiaeonal functions, the 
thoughtful Archdeacon cannot have failed to give all due con- 
sideration to the fact that, in the ''old religious position on the 
Contini^'ot,'^ an Anglican Archdeacon would lutve been treated as a 
heretic; at one tune possibly by ant^ nuxriem cremation. Of 
course ; and, therefore, he very consistently prononnoes hostility to 
all dogma worse even than peratoution. It would be better that 
a Clergyman of the riv-i-i. -r i . .ri ,,.,]^ f^ example— mind, for 
e.\ample— should be ot i vc, say in Spain, than that 

the old religious positiui \ . i ive become what it is now 

Here is more wisdom, reported to have proceeded from t bi< lips of the 
closely reasoning Divine who shines oa tnc Light of SomerHctshire :— 

** Speaking of the position of i«]i|ietis ^noation at home, tho An^hdfroeon 
iaid the Education Act had daatrayad, with Ihs eosisont, And not witliout tho 
applauM of the biihops, clergy, and proplo, thi; psrtah srbooli of England. 
Ht» believed that absolutely ooculur tebooU were iesi dangerous than those 
Aohoola which had been oreaCad under the Act*' 

From time to time, Aechdracon Dejcison is accustomed to deliver 
himself of utterances which, like tluise above -instanced, aro 
evidently the result of profound and logical thought applied 
seriously to serious subjects. It is desirable that a collection 
should be made, if poesible, of the^Venemblc Archdeacon's sensible 



[April 26, 1871 

The MiBBionary, come of wea^er-kia. 
But great b j work that brooks no lower wage. 

He ii€6<k no epitaph to guard a Bame 

Which men ahall prke while wortb^r work ia known ; 
He lived and died for good— be that ms fame : 

Lot marble ommbla ; thia k IiYing-atcm«. 


Fair AHUt (to her Modd), ** 1 want ah KAAT, ORACEFTO, AND BlTOiaD 

Kioa-Boaif Damsel (whom hb sbcrbtly lovejj) to be Hia FABTKxa m A a ay 


IMr. ^cru^doea i-nj (^ realise tki siinaiian. 

^afii)» Jibingstane. 

I}ied on the Shm^ea of Lake Bcmha^ Mh^ 4, 1873, 

Landed at Southamptan^ April 15 ; Burkd in Weiimimtir Abhev, 

April 18, 1S74 

Bboop half-mast oolonrs, bow, bare-headed crowds. 

As thii plain coffin o'er the eide is elungt 
To paia by wooda of masts and ratlinod inrondB, 

Aa crat by Alric^H trunks liana-hung. 

'Tis the laat mile, of many tbonsaQds trod 
With failing atreng^th, but neycr-fiiilmg willj 

Bytte worn framei now at its rest with God, 
That ncYer rested from its fight with ilL 

Or if the ache of travel and of toil 

Woidd aomctiiQes wring a short sbarp cry of pain, 
From agony of fever, blam, and boil, 

'Twaa but to omah it down, and on again I 

Ho knew not that the tmmpot he had blown, 
Out of the darkness of that dismaJ laud, 
, , Had reached, oud roused an army of its own, 

To atrike tno ohalnfl from the Slayers fettered hand. 

Now, we believe, he knows, sees all is well : 
How Ood had stayed his will, and shaped hia way, 

Tobring the light to those that darkling dwell. 
With gains that life*B devotion weU repay. 

Open the Abbey doors, and bear him in 
To sleep with king^ and statesman, chiefs and Biga, 


We thought the last catastro- 

-pho of OfiTOJf , alias CASTRO, 
Would only let an aaa trow 

That BooEn he oould be ; 
And fondly hoped the Claimant, 
By prison- food and raiment, 
onld peacefully make payment 

For hia atrodty, 


We thought to hear no more of 
The most tTtmendous bore of 
All bores that haunt the shor^ of 

Oar isle, from sea to sea i 
No tbin man, grown a fat one, 
(For sevon long years thrown at one), 
Was such a ourae as that one 

To idl humanity. 

Will none in Lethe steep him ? 
Where Portland'a waters deep hymn 
(If that is where they keep him) 

Their melancholy dirge, 
Methinks the prisoned giant. 
Obese and oleiiant^ 
At fools on rogues reliant 

Orins in bis sleeve of serge 1 

0, Whazxet t Mb. WnAiXEY 1 
It mikei one melancholy 
To tiiink the force of f oUy 

Can reach to sueh a pitch ! 

In April- Fool lists bigger 
Both Peterborough figure, 
Or he at whom we snigger — 

Her Member— tell us which f 

Ab for poor Mb, SiG^woBtHi 
Whose light's a farthing dip worth, 
He 's soaroely Punch's whip worth. 
So lightly let him down : 

But you, U.C. KEfTEALY— 

With mouth reverse of mealy — 
** The Englishman " — nOf really. 
We oan't bo done ao brown I 

bono of strife I for ever 
Wise folks from fools to sever t 
When over Charon's river 

Baioknt and Beajiv are gone. 
When graceful houris ogle 
The good and steadfast BoaiE, 
ObtoKj the mighty rogue, 'II 

lie through the ages on! 


Titter was another Bore seen runiung up tlio SeverK!^ 
last week, and a third is expeoted in August. Hot^^ 
much happier we should all, be, if bores wonld bn"^ 
con£ne themselves to the ScTcm ! 


A ConBEBi?o}0}ENT auggesti that .£oho*s real answar Ic 
the question Jpropoandcd by the Gentle Craft«niaii ict- 
our last}—'* Where is the great lib^al Party P** mui^ 
have been ^^ parti,** 


Wb have to thank M, AnoL^irK Beau, the et nlnaarf 1 
photompher, for ooioured photoa of Sma ComifiJ 
Qmbrcila, open and dosed. ^We mm. oidy atf) *^dm\ 





ItrVAllL— April 25, 1874, 



AiBiL 26, 1874.] 




(By a Member of a Mqjority,) 

H, I 'm a Conservative to 
the backbone: 

One that holds fast by the 
Altar and Throne, 

And all of onr old institu- 
tions and laws— 

'Tis those things I call the 
Conservative Cause : 

Those, and a thing which 
those things compre- 

And wnich they subserve 
as the means to an end ; 

Property : that 's what, 
above all, I stand for. 

And which I most value 
rights vested in land for. 

Above all, I*m bent on 

conserving my own ; 
And I 'm safe to be trusted 

to do that alone. 
Of all fixtures d solo ad 

ccelum possest 
How to take care of them 

don't I know best ? 

As for old monuments, 
ancient remains, 
Earthworks or graves on my downs or my plains, 
No constitutional landmarks are they : 
Why let them stand, when removal would pay P 

Talk about tumuli, talk about mounds t 
Wherefore should such things load arable grounds^ 
Dashed your cromlechs, and dolmens, and menhirs may be. 
Cairns !— what are calms, except Lobs Caibns, to mer 

Law may with reason an owner compel 
Land, when a Boilway demands it, to sell. 
Railways make wealth, the true standard of worth : 
Dolmens and cromlechs but cumber the earth. 

Barrow, or cairn, or aught else on my field 
I, for a price, to a Railway would yield. 
Stonchenge itself, ST)ite of all its renown. 
If, in the way of a Line, should come down. 

Bills to retain heaps of stones on their site,— 
For which compensation, of course, must bo slight,— 
We, Self and Party, must stoutly refuse— 
Practical men of Conservative views. 

What we 'd conserve, politicians of sense. 
We can express in pounds, shillinffs, and pence. 
Thus we, on principle, shore the old shop 
With a " proputty, proputty, proputty "-prop. 


(hr Saturday last two several deputations from Richmond waited 
Jy the Bishop op Winchestek to compkin of " the action taken by 
tlie Rev. C. T. Pboctob, in erecting a wall between the Conformists' 
^ Nonconformists' portions of the new burial-ground." The 
Biihop " DTomised to take the subject into his most serious oonsi- 
derttum," and to ** do his best so to arrange matters as to restore 
petoe to the parish of Richmond, and allay the present state of ex- 
cited feeling?' He has been as good as his word, and the wall is to 
be demolished. The excellent Bishop also took occasion to remark 
that " he was exceedingly sorry that there should be any divisions 
•numg Christians in me, and still more sorry that they should be 
divided in death." Hear, hear! If Christians can live at Richmond 
or eLuwhere without a wall to separate them in the town, what can 
be tha uie of one dividing those who lie in the cemetery ? 

Divinoiu of living Chrutians from Christians appear to be inter- 
iniwahle by any human means ; but those which part the defunct 
oooldlbe rat an end to even more^oompletely than they will be 
termiwaten at Riehmond by the demolition of a wall set np between 
Oonlannist and Nonoonf ormist citizens of a necropolis. 
: Shoqld the praotioe of eremation oome to be substitnted for that 
of intanunt the ornnic remains of both Conformists and Nonoon- 
famiite will qpeediiy be resolved, by the ageneylof heat^'for the 

greater part of ^them into gases, which wiU blend at once with the 
atmosphere, and, through that medium, commingle. When 
Christians shall have been then united after dissolution, the most 
strenuous sticklers for division in death will, perhaps, think it 
hardly worth while to erect walls to separate sznall residuary quan- 
tities of phosphate of lime. 


"In this case (of Breach of Promise) £2000 dama^ were awarded. The 
only reaaon the gentleman could give for breaking hu engagement^ was that 
the lady did not take any interest in Cricket."— Xitvr;w^ AsttzM : law 
Report : Stevenson y. Eeclee, 

** Not care who bat, or bowl, or field I " 
Growled Eccles to his conscious pillow, 

** I '11 teach the maid, who will not wield, 
That she instead must wear, the willow." 

But Miss to lose this Lord demurs. 
Who for Lord's pastime disregarded her ; 

And so twelve anti-cricketers. 
Two thousand damages awarded her I 

With tears of pride, Elevens, beweep 
This mulcted martyr to the game : 

His memory, like your wickets, keep, 
Oval and Lord's— his earliest flame 


In wives may he yet make a catch- 
Find some Grace worthy of his worth— 

And when found, may t^ey play a match 
For life, of Cricket on the Hearth I 


They beat us in Norway. In that confined but picturesqtue 
country, buying and selling is not limited to such humdrum things 
as houses and farms, shops and warehouses, parks and gardens. They 
transact business there on a much grander scale. They deal in 
Waterfalls. No less than three are to be sold by auction at Christians- 
Band the end of this month. There must be many of our wealthy 
countrymen who would be glad to embellish their estates with a 
Waterfall. But the difficulties of transport are, we fear, insuperable. 
This is to be lamented, for the Waterf aDs' prospects in their own land 
do not seem to be of the most romantic character. The Norwegian 
mind is sadly prosaic, and shockingly business-like. The adver- 
tisement states that together with the Waterfalls are to be sold 
" areas of ground appertaining thereto, of sufficient size for factories 
on the same." What a fall is here I 


Take the tax off sugar P Taa I 
What's the good o' that to weP 

Not the better, ne'er a straa, 
But the grocers, none wun't be. 

Wi' the Malt-tax if, instead. 
They 'd ha' ^ne and done away, 

Then the British Farmer med 
Tell um "That's your time o' day I " 

Sugar also 'd ha' come down. 

Sweets for babes and suckluns, then ; 
Barley-sugar, if not brown : 

What a gift that 'ood ha' ben I 

▲n Upright Bovereign. 

"KiHO CoTFBB signs the Treaty, bat is under an impreasion that the 
Indemnity stipulated for was 5000, not 60,000 ounces of gold." 

Tnouon a long face Knro Coffee pull« 

He dubs up as he ought : 
His treaty he performs in foil, 

Who from it leaTes out Nought I 

•*1Cb. Jusnoi Qeotb bai dsoided.fhat the HsokiMy Election U Toid." 

If'anjEleotioii ahoiildhaTe broken down, it wm the Haekney— 
and witn ioeh a bed of bnnglen on its baek too 1 



[April 25, 1874. 







Book this Second, 

TJie Thwihte-nffged Vessvl off the Needks. 

L—The Ship. 

FfiOM Kennel, L^Ile doa Chiens, issued a barqne, which aoon tnmed 
into a de^p bay. 

This vessel, entered at Trinity College under the anperviaion of 
the Elder Brethren, was in reality a Man-of-war. Seen at a dis- 
tanoe, ahe seemed onlv a Buoy. 

She had the heavy Took of a paoilio merchantman, but her destiny 
was not the Pacific^ but the Bellieose, Her name was in reality 
The Belllcfise^ painted 
nnder the letters The 

She was thimble- 
rigged. This deceived 
the eye. There were 
three mastsi capped 
with three thimhles^ 
and the first mate 
wore the little P- 

There was half a 
regiment of Horse 
Marines on board, in 
case of necessity. 

The yards wert 
made in Scotland, — 
the chief being 800 1- 
land Yard; and the 
Rudder cost two 
hundred pounds in 
Southampton. This 
being so, what waa 
the name of the Cap- 
tain ? Not Sm ITU. 

The Captain wns 
To MAS LE Bni 7^. Tlij 
second in commoud 
was Lk Chevalieu 
Joannes, the Fiiwt 
Mate was Lefilsde- 
EOBiN, and the Pilot 
was Ron IN, smi Jiis— 
a Jersey man. True 
to his name, he was 
a man in a jersey. 

There were basins, 
kettles for tish, tui*eens, and pdttU dc h mcr on board. 

It was evident that the vessel had an unusual bus»ineas on hand. 

Indeed a man who had just come on board looked like it; but 
did not appear to feel like it. 

Hia face waB black, be wore high collars, and a white hat with a 
blaok band round it. The crown was out. At tliat Communist 
penod this waB not uncommon ; many crowns were out. The wind 
blowing or»en his cloak showed a coat with long tails and large 
bnttons, a dirty white vest, a frilled shirt, check trousers^ large 
shoe 8 ^ and a banjo. 

He was conducted on board by Monsiexth GcnLLAUME Georges, 
Governor of L'lle des Chiens, and M. LE Puince de la ^ma^ de 
St. Jacqites ue Piccadh^u:. 

The latter addressed the voyager* 

*' Yon Bwear yon will never perform out of St. James's Hall ? " 
I swear it.'*^ 

"Good, vli* rtrotr, MAfifiABoxEs/' 

Mas^^abofik WHS the name by which the Crew immediately desig- 
nated theur i>ii8aeiiger. 

GtriLLAUM GBOBOEg and M, le Pbtnce de la Salle de St. 
Jacques de Piocadilli returned to shore. 

The Bcliicose^ or Ringdove, set sail. 

One hour afterwards, the Man at the Duke of York's Column 
revived the message, "He has gone. Success is certain." 

l-onr days previous, the Prefect at Boulogne-sor-Mer received this 

dejtpatch : — "A man will land, of whom this is the description: 
Black, long-taileil coati check trousers, banjo. Warn the oaimt- 
i^uges. Wash the man. Find out who he is. Execute my order* 
and him.** 

11*^ Parlour Cahin B&anUr$* 

TffE night was dark. 

There was a Moon. It was the second night of a New Moon. The 
New Moon was not a success, therefore it was not full. It was hut 
a mpeck in the sky, and the OT>eck was a failure. 

Mass AJJONE8 paced the deck. 

He entered the cabin where sat BouHiLOT-AtTX-CiTEVKrX-BLANCB, 


*' Yon are the only two on board who know my name." 

" We will not reveal it." 


He entered bis cabin* 

III. — Ahot€ and Below* 

The two Commanders, Tomas le Brun and Chevai.ieb Joahttes, 
walked the deck. This is their oonversation oanght by the ahadaws. 
*' Who *B your hatter P " 

'* How's your poor 

" Where are we 

"All at sea." 
"What's being 

played in Ix>ndon Y *' 
'^La FiUe de Ma- 

liamt Angot,** 
"What in Pans?" 
"irt Filie de Ma- 
dame Angot/* 
"What in Brus- 

Bela ''' " 
"Z« FitU de Ma^ 

dame Angot,** 
** No." 
" True. It is Giro- 

"la there no 

chance ? " 
" Yes." 

"Yet he is a no- 
** In France, yes." 
" And in l ranee 
they like novelties." 
Le Beun burst ont 

J OANiTES observed, 
" He should try. On 
the sands lirst," 
" As at Margate— •• 
"AndRamagat©— '^ 

*" \ ou qutite Le Bux ** 

" Yes, and Liicocq's." 
** Bah ! Madame Angot again." 
** It will be Banjo against AngoL^* 
"True, but his oath- — " 

" Never to perform out of '* 

Le Brun had no time to tinish liis sentence. 
A desperate cry. At the same time a noise as nnacoonntable ss i 
was awfid. 
From the interior of the vessel. 
A frightful tiling had just happened. 

IV. — Bukher Lebes PiVetr. 

One of the pretty kettles of fish had got loose. 

This is, perhaps, the most formidable of marine aocidenta. 

Everyone wag at sea. 

A kettle of iiah, with steam full np and the lid on, that jnmpfl t_ 
the stove in the caboose, becomes suddenly like some snpemiitiinS' 
wild beast. It pitches with the pitching ; it lops with the lopptfif ^ 
it rolls with the rolling ; it dances woltxes, polkaa. maziirkis » 
cannons like a biOiard-baU; rebounds like a raoq-net-ball j is ^rknti 
danx U nmgmin : it butts like a ram ; it nops Like a weasel ; it liOf , 
about like old boots ; it darts at you Uke Winkin ; it dosboa ft^ J 
wig: it comes at you like one o'clock. It has the weight of n 
Tapper's Philosophy, the agility of a Dancing tloaker, the im- 



Afsil 25, 1874.] 




Tmptytu {who 7uu swallowed a had Oyster). " Hallo ! What kind of 
Otaru d'ti call that?*' Opener, *' Amsrican, Sir." 

Tompkjfns. ** Ah, thought so. Knew him directly bt his < Twang.* *' 

Pertnrbability of a Conservatiye Premier, the obstinacy of a policeman^ the 
lUieertainty. of a Bench of Bishops, the roughness of a cabman, the terfnver- 
■ttorinesa of an independent Member, the violence of a Home-Ruler, the 
l^BoUemiess of a German Chancellor, the stupidity of an unstipendiary Justice 
of fhe Peace, the versatility of a journalist, and the deafness of a pillar-post. 

Ton can beard an oyster, you can gret a chop and potato to follow, you con say 
po to a goose, you can tickle a trout, you can hug the wild sea-shore, but there 
!• BO reaoorce with a monster kettle of lish let loose. 

It wai, indeed, le diable parmi les tailleurs, 

Thid whole Crew was astir. The scalding, boiling, raging monster was doing 
fcttfnl dunage. Legs, arms, fingers, toes, lieads, all suffered horribly in turn. 

It was the Cook's fault. He mid forgotten to screw the kettle down. Now^ 
tli«re was a screw loose with a yongeance ! ^ 

Tho two Commanders stood at the head of the stairs, afraid to descend. 

They were pushed aside by the elbows of the Mysterious Passenger. 

** What is m the fish-kettle ? " he asked. 

*' Fish," answered Le Bbun. 

"What beside?" 

•• Leeks. WeTiave a store on board. The ship is full of leeks." 

*' Then nothing can save us ? " 

•• Kothing— exoept " The Second Commander paused. 


*' Stoppmg the kettle. But nothing can bo done without tin." 

••I have no tin," said BoBBiLOT-AUX-CnETEUx-BLAKcs. 

••Nor I," said the voyager, whom the Crew called Massabones. 
.^^Saddenly, into tiie midst of the arena, where the fisli-kettle leaped and 
v^oimded. sprang a man. The Cook. 

Behind a mast he waited for the fish-kettle. 

He had dealt with it for years. It was his pet monster. He seemed to 
tlliak it would reoogrnise him. . 

He muttered to himself : 

*' It it gmng round like a Cook's tourist." 

Then m adoretaed it, as though it loved him, and would obey him. 

" How then I Come up ! will yer," he said. 

Ohh aTitanio itroggle began. The struggle between the Cook and his Kettle \ 



Yes 'tis time to rouse and wrestle, but not 
With those who discuss the whether or not. 
If the duty be yours and mine, or the State's, 
All or nobody's— small foUc or great's— 
To step between suffering and starvation 
Of a hungry and humble and helpless nation ; 
Helpless now. and soon hopeless to be, 
But for the SifJiibs— that 's you and me, 
And Englishmen all, at home, or o'er sea. 

Yes, 'tis time for England to wrestle for life, 
At grips with Famine— a terrible strife I 
So purse out of pocket, and hand to the plough. 
And brains to the business— All, and Now ! 

Well for us, and hard for them 
Whose toil the tide of death must stem ; 
Who face to face with Hunger must stand, 
And stay, if they con, the stroke of his hand : 
Must find- not the money— that 's easy found— 
Nor the rice— there 's enough of that on the ground- 
But the ways and means the grain to get 
To the craving mouths of the millions met 
Wherever there *s Sahib's work to give. 
Sahib's annas to earn. Sahib's stores to live. 
Must find the steam-ships, and trams, and trains. 
The boats and the bullocks, the coolies and wains 
By hundreds and thousands, for hundreds of mUes, 
From the Ghauts choked up with the rice-bag piles. 
To where the hunsry mouths await 
With a wof ul wail at the Sahib's gate ! 
See, the endless transport trains still going ! 
Hark the moan of the hungry, nowing, growing ! 
Then, purse out of pocket, ana nand to the plough. 
And brains to the business— All, and Now! 

Yes, the tcorh is out there for the men of our race. 
Who must up and look Famine full in Hie face ; 
Must steel their nerves to the pitiful cry 
Of mothers with dying babes held high. 
And drawn mouths shrouded in scant sarees, 
And wasted bodies on bended knees ; 
To Labour too weak to work, if it would, 
And Caste that will not work if it could. 
But turns from the Christian's food to die. 
For fear pollution should come thereby. 
Such are the scenes of the Sahib's ride, 
On his mission of mercy for and wide. 
Thrusting bock Famine, inch by inch, 
With no time to faint, and no will to flinch. 
Fighting such fight as has seldom been foufftit. 
And— Gk)d be thanked— as Englishmen ought I 

But if it be theirs whose lot lies there, 

The burden and heat of the work to bear, 

' Tis surely ours, in our wealth and ease. 

Here in the guard of our girdling seas. 

To spare of our fatness, and help with our prayers. 

And add the weight of our will to theirs. 

And never question the why or how, — 

But give what wo can— Give all— Give how ! 

Dramatic Bealiem. 

The Mirror quotes a story to the effect that, at a San 
Francisoo theatre, during the performance of a piece 
called the Sea of Ice, a current of cold air was let into 
the auditorium, to enable the spectators fully to appre- 
ciate the sensations of the actors. Where will the 
passion for stage realism end? Perhaps, by-and-by, 
we may come to real acting. 

the late pakinoton's latest. 

When Sir Garnet Wolselet objected to the offer of 
a Peerage Uiat everyone would sugffest for him the title 
of Lord Chasse-Caf^ — " Pooh ! " observed Lord Hamp- 
ton ; ** as if it was appropriateness that suggested titles! 
Nobody calls me Lord Mal-a-Droitwich." 

A Nice Firic.— Since Lord G. Hamilion waa ap- 
pointed to the India Office, the two Members for Middle- 
sex are familiarly known as '* Ind and Coope." 




[April 25, 1874. 


^^ VALUED Correspondent, 

§ ''Simple Smox," askswhy 
the CambridffeBliire La- 
bourers Bhould [emimte, 
when they have a Kow- 
market for their labour 
at their own door; and 
further, how it is that the 
Prussians, with all their 
pride in Bismaeck's Mili- 
tary William, should kick 
so at his Army Bill ? 

of Milesian blood. But Spain has one thing which 
Ireland is said to want ; namely, Homo Eule. And see 
what comes of it ! 

Kancy in Trouble. 

Milesian Autonomy. 

Civil war in Spain seems 
to have grown chronic, and 
to be getting looked ui)on 
as the normal condition 

of that country, much the same as combustion, more or less active, is that 
of Vesuvius. Now Spain, wc know, is connected with Ireland by the community 

The Bishop of Nai^ cy, part of whose diocese lies in 
the territory lately annexed from France, has got him- 
self into a scrape with the German Gbverment by a 
pastoral addressed to his Cures, for which he has been 
summoned to answer before the tribunal of Saveine. 
Bhould he decline to attend, and be condemned for 
contumacy, Bismaeck will probably annex the G^erxflan 
part of aancj to a see of his own. He is not the man 
to stick at dismembering Nancy. It will not, however, 
bo in his jwwer to divorce the Bishop op Nancy from 
Nanc]r altogether. Observe, that every^ Bishop is 
canonically married to his see, and that this, of course, 
is the case, but not particularly so, with the Bishop op 

Advice to an Amatette Yiolinist.— Bather than play 
, inditfcrently, wait till you can play— differently. 


Bettee days are in store for men and husbands. Their comfort, 
thoir temper, their pocket, their digestion, are all certain to be im- 
proved by the establishment of the School of Cookery now in active 
operation at South Kensington. Wives and mistresses of servants, 
both in the present and future tense and in the most industrious oi 
moods, are at the present time hard at work, si)ending their mornings 
and afternoons in scouring and cleaning, roasting and frying, boiliug 
and toilinff, in the Classes for Practical Instruction which are being 
regularly neld at the Training School in the Exhibition Iload. 

There are those who object to the system of Examinations now so 
extensively applied to every rank and age, every profession and caUing 
in the kingdom ; but we imagine the announcement in the Pro- 
spectus of the School that ^* at the end of each course an Examina- 
tion is held, and the learners who successfully pass it receive a 
certificate that they have done so," will be received with unanimous 
satisfaction from one end of the country to the other. We ore not 
told whether honours are to be awarded for extraordinary pro- 
ficiency, or whether the successful candidates are to have degrees 
conferred upon them, and to be entitled to write after their names 
the letters M.C. (Mistress of Cookery) ; but there can be no doubt 
that henceforth, in all matrimonial negotiations, one of the first 
questions every prudent bachelor will put to the lady whom he 
seeks as his wife, will be, ** Have you a Cookery Certificate ? " 

We look forward to a future for England more glorious and com- 
fortable than ever, when a well-cooked potato will be a reasonable 
possibility, and no woman of sense will feel ashamed to be even 
** wooden spoon " in the coming Cookery Tripos. 

As a small contribution to this good cause, we have the pleasure 
of placing the following paper of questions at the service of those 
who have the management of these excellent Examinations : — 


1. What are 3;our views on ^Melted Butter ? 

2. Describe minutely the following processes : — 

a. Boiling a Potato. 

b. Poaching an Egg. 

c. Frying a Rasher of Bacon. 

d. Broiling a Mutton-Chop. 

e. Tossing a Pancake. 
/. Making Coffee. 

3. Distinguish between a carte and a menUf a gourmand and a 
gourmet J Kfricandeau and o, fricassee, simmering and boiling, frying 
and broiling, an entree and an entremet, and a leg of mutton and a 
leg of beef. 

4. What wines ought to be served with («) oysters; {h) turtle 
soup ; (cj salmon ; {jJ) venison ; (<•) ortolans ; (/) grouse ; and {g) 
Stilton cheese P 

5. How would you act in the following emergency P At 4*30 p.m. 
you receive a telegram from your husband to say that he is bringing 
two friends home with him to dinner. Your dinner hour is six, ana 
you have only provided a small joint, with vegetables and a pudding, 
suflicient for Edwaed and yourself. Your cook is one who cannot 
bear to be put out of her way, it is pouring with rain, and the 
butcher, poulterer, fishmonger, and greengrocer all live at a distance. 
There is nothing in the house but bread, flour, and butter, some 
apples and eggs, curry-powder, macaroni, rice, a piece of bacon, a 
good cheese, and a plate of prawns. 

6. Give biographical notices of Mes. Glasse, Mes. Rundell, and 
Miss Acton; and enumerate the principal cookery-books which 
have appeared since the time of the first of these distinguished 

7. What is the corresponding proverb to " Too many cooks spoil 
the broth " in the Erse, Kuss, Einnish, Danish, Gaelic, Sanscrit, and 

I Sclavonic languages P 

I 8. What ought to be the weekly consumption of butter, eggs, 

I potatoes, and fire-wheels, in a household consisting of six adults P 

9. If a leg of mutton weighing 8lbs. lOoz. reauires to be roasted 
I 2 hours 11 minutes, how long will it take to boil a piece of beef 
I (silver side) sufiioicnt to dine eight people P 

10. Where are the following places, and for what are they 
famous— Bologna, Bath, Cheddar, Epping, Stilton, Westphalia, 

I Burton, Aylesbury, Dorking, Gruy^re, Roquefort, Banbury, Col- 
I Chester, Mocha, and Dundee P 

11. Geeen, who has an income under £600 a-year, and a family 
of six sons and daughters, all growing up, has been brought to 
think that he ought to give a dinner to the Blaces. the BE0wir& 
the Whites, and the Geets. Draw up a bill of tare (month ox 
May) suitable to the means of Geeen, and the expectations of his 

12. How do yon propose to manage an oven and a General Servant : 
and can you prove your competency to regulato the kitohen flue and 
the dress of the kitchen domestic P 

13. How can a lea: of mutton be used up in an economical and 
savoury manner, witn little expense and no grumbling ? 

14. Give diasrams of a sirloin, a saddle, a round, a brisket, a 
chump-end, a shoulder, a spare-rio, and a trussed fowl. 

15. What is the maximum time required for blaokleadingr an 
ordinary dining-room grate, burnishing a copper kettle, soonrmg a 
set of titohen saucepans, and cleaning the doorsteps (in the list 
mentioned operation allowance to be made for conversation with the 
butcher and the bakerj P 

16. What opinions have you formed on the subject of dripping 
and kitchen-stuff P 

<<The Deformed Transformed." 

Less strange than sad that a self-formed Q.C. 

Should, self-deformed, earn Bar's and Bench's ban; 
More strange, Kenealy should the Frotous be 

To change this Irish, to The Englishman.* 

Of this cool venture one thing I opine^ 
For Punch himself and all his English kin— 

We *11 nor take in this Englishman of thine, 
Nor by this JSnglishmanoe taken in. 

* Such is the title of the now paper, founded, edited, and written, by Db> 
Kenualy, who blows his own trumpet through twenty-eight columni— by 
way, apparently, of ndsiug the wind. 


The Eael of Pemeeoke, whose South Sea experiences (see "ilij 
Earl and the Doctor ") quite qualif v him to advise the GoYemBUoi 
on such a subject, when questioned on the ezpedienojr of aooepCiBf 
EiNO Cacobau's offer, summed up the character of that oroAh per- 
plexed Sovereign's suDjects, black and white, in one wmd— FQi-^* 




It lias been unBounced that, on the recommendation of 
Kr. Disraeli, Her Majesty nii» been pleased to confer 
the dignity ojf a Baronetcy on Mr, WrtiXiM Hkkrt 
Pees, one of the Members tor Mid-Surrey . The Surrey 
hills may now lift up their heads , for the rxiSK of Surrey 
has risen to an altitude not exceeded by the Peak of 
Derbyshire. But we would rather oorapare the Surrey 
Peek to Mount Atlos^ for Atlag was supposed to be a 
Caryatid to the heayen*, and Peek, since December, 1868, 
when he was first returned, ** has given a consistent sup- 
port to the Conservative Party." Hence the elevation of 
the Surrey Peek, who (as we learn from the Ihily 
News), **as a thank-offering for beinff made a iartmet^ 
has forwarded a cheque for 2000 guineas to the Chairman 
of the Surrey Sessions.** 

The Surrey Bench may congratulate itself on havinf 
caught Sir H. Pbbk red-handed . . * and with his red* 
hand in his pooket. 

''WeU done, old HossI" 

^ Hacknet has done itself justice by oanying pRorEseoR 
Fawcett into Parliament, and riding double with Holms, 
too. It was a good stout young Hackney after all— if it 
did break down under an ill-arranged load of stupid 
stationery. The truth is, the lively young Metropolitan 
Borough ho^s no turn for anything in the stationary line. 
It prefers Progress, and lo ohooees one of the most sen- 
sible, honest, and straighfiorwaTd promoters of Progress, 
Professor Fawcett, in preference to LncuTEKAirr Oill, 
whoever that plucky young Conservative Candidate may 
be. Punch hasn- 1 a notion. 


See that meek maiden at her Logic toiling^ 
Her fair cheek wan, her soft, sweet brains a-boiling 1 
What 's worse, I ask, in barbarous times' worst ills, 
Than Women thus set grinding at their Mills F 




' ir.WAYS 

Ta, Ta ! '* 


** Hullo, how abb you i Can t stop, though, or I shan't Miss 
" Catch it, you meak." 


An ExEMFrroir.— The new Bill which has been intro- 
duced into the House of Commons, to alter the law 
affecting Jurors, does not propose to aboliah the Old 
Jewry in the City of London. 

A New Little Gahe for an Oiji One Ui» woir nlayed at 
the Home Office), — Crooked Questions and Cross Answers, 


Hail 1 thou Episoopal Reformer thorough « 

Eloquent PETEEKOEorfin ! 
Who, deeming that too clo^t^ is the affinity 

'Twixt Dives and Divinity, 
That money tnagnetises human nature, 

That £ ff. d, has special power to plague ns, 
Dost magically move the Legislature, 

To exorcise Simon Magus. 

Who hat not sighed to own that pleasant Rectory— 

With drawing-room, refectory, 
Coverts adjacent, stream where trout grow lusty, 

An air tnat *s never fusty, 
A village population, not too many. 

Rector who, growing old, reels 'twould be wiser, 
Before he dies, to turn a final penny, 

And so turns advertiser ? 

A Country Parson may have dwelling cosy, 

Where peaches ripen rosy 
On iouthem waUB, and lawns and woods and waters 

Iklipht his numerous daughters : 
But, advertised for sale, the thinp l*M)k» sinister. 

And moves the outer world to scorn ana malice : 
Suppose, to swell a surplus, the Prime Minislter 

t^hould sell a Bishop's palaoe ? 

Go on, Magek: evf^* 

ThiLt axks 
Needs both sharivr 

To lance tliis ugly tumour. 



A keen-edged humour 

Those parish homes that should be altars holy. 

Hallowed by sain ts* pure life, and blood of martyr, 
It is a oonsimimation melancholy 

To see them brought to barter, 

A text for agitators anti-clerical 

To preach tirades hysterical 
Against the unclean brood tnat in State churohes* 

Overladen branches perches. 
On, till " Scalenus aurea tetas redU^*^ 

And onlv simple Simons attempt Simony, 
On, till Haoke shall Magus so discredit* 

AdvowsoxL-owners shy money I 


" CoLMFioK AT SitA.^At the time of the eolUsion between the Psrifle and 
Oriental »tesincr J?aw«/?r# snd the iVNwn Mt^fert^ the /Vwm^ Rupert was 
undiir full Mil and the Bem^^re wm coming up the Chumel st quarter 
tpced. Beyond tin' low of her mmin jard. topgaiUnt yiird, bulwarks, and two 
Umti in the Hairing on her pott mdev the Mamg»hr« mitainvd an damax«. 
After the c-ollision the Prinei .^tpertwM off 6l, John*!, New Bruniwick/— 
Irith Time4, Apni 23. 

If the news in the Iruh Timet of 23rd April be true, our coasts 
are safe. The Lords of the Admimlty have only to buy the Bangalore 
at once. Coming up Channel at only quarter speed, she strikes 
the Prince Rupert^ which disapnears, and after the collision is found 
off St. John's, New BrunswicV. Buppose we are without sc^i- 
going Iron-clads, what have we to fear, with the Bangalore which 
can hurl an enemy from the Channel to New Brunswick at a blow ? 

tOU UTl. 



[Mat 2, 1874 


jlSLIAMENT, at the open- 
iBg of the week {Monday^ 
AwU 20), had under oon- 
sioeration two mat Na- 
tional EstabliuimeiitB — 
both oostl:^, both difficult 
of admimstration, both 
Buudi diatraoted by the 
many minds of men about 
what they are and ought 
to be— the Church in the 
Lordi, the Navy in the 

On the showing of the 
paitiea officially in charge 
— the Akchbishop op 
Cabtbsbttby, and the Fibst 


—both ore nothing short of 
riokety, and repairs in botii 
come ruinously expensive. 
The Archbishop mored 
for leave to bring in a Bill, 
which may be profanely 
described as one to restrain 
Romanising llectors from 
kicking over Church ropes. 
Where Ritualistic Reotors 
and recalcitrant parii^- 
ioners come in colliaion, 
either may go to the Bishop, 
who, with three assessors 
— ^the Bean, Archdeacon, or 
Chancellor of the diocese, a 
barrister of seven years* 
standing, and a third of 
the Bishop's own seleotion 
— ^may hear arguments and 
decide on the practice in 
dispute, subject to appeal 
to Archbishop, who may 
refer the case to the Court abDve. Tf Bishop {issue monition forbidding 
praotioCf it lb to be stopped till Ckrg^iuiui gets leave from higher Court of 

LoED BeTjEOILNE blandly wished well to the Bill, and was scandalised by the 
enormity of eosta in Church cases, as a great lawyer might be expected to be. 
Eaul Nelson was much exercised for the consciences of poor Ritualistic 
parsons, forced to be lawless, because they really could not see how the law 
could be bindmg on them. Lay couioiences that feel a call to kick against 
the pricks of law are nc^t usually so much eozLBidered. Lord Nelson thonght 
the Ilouse OTiR-ht reaUy not to proceed to Second Reading till Convocation had 
met, and considered the matter. 

CouTocation has usually thrown so mnoh light on Church legislation ; and 
is so eminently clear-heaaed, dear-sicken, and sound-judging a body ! 
""' ^ ' . - '" Tnere might be a schism bet V 

The Bishop of Lincoln, too, feaxed ' 

L between the 

with anything like intemperate jand indecent haste 1 " Isn't i 

Upper and Lower Ilouse of Convocation, if the matter were pushed forward 

. . — I't that schism, in matters Ritualistic, a littlepast praying for? 

Lord Cahnabvon has had no official communication of the cession oi Fiji to the British Crown. When it comes, thmi will come 

" coniideratioas of olimste and productioin, of winds and cuirents, of expense, of organiBation of administration ; and there was, lastly, but by no means 
least of all, the very nnous questiboa of the feelings of the native races." 

'* Tantro molis erat Fijciam condere gentem." 

In the Commons we lingered awhile in Her Majesty's Dockvards, while Adkibal ETiiJOT argued (as became the Member for Chatham) 
that the late Admiralty had ** disestablished the Dockyards," and handed over the Navy to the tender mercies of private builders. 
Even the breaking up ol the old ships had been put out to contract ; one ship sold for £500, and her copper bought back for £5000. 

Mb, Httnt deprecated a Committee, but promised attention. Just now his hands were really too full, and ne wanted to get on witls^ 
the Naval Estimates. Would the Admiral be so kind as to shut up 

Bnt Mb. Bjxd had a speech ready, and insisted on firing it ofif. 

It was the vei^ best thmg that ever happened to the ]^avy when Government handed over the building of a good part of it to private 
hands, Experto crede, 

Mb. Hwd aught to know. He teas chief Government Constructor. He is head of a great Private Ship-building Company. 

Mb, Bbaw Lefevbe did what the grievance-mongers say we have never done— defended the Dockyards. 

Then, on Mb. Disbaeli's Motion, the Vote for Sib Gabnet Wolselet's grant of £25,000 was agreed to. Heb Majestt wished to 
add an hereditary distinction. Sib Gabnxt may succeed to either of two family Baronetcies, and, under these circumstances, feels he ha* 
quite dianees enough of hereditary rank. Besides, he reallythinks he has been over-rewaraed already. We don't ; but the feeling is • j 
ortditable one. And then, at last, the Rioht Honoubable W abd Hunt reached the Navy Estimates. 

'0, what a ipeeoh was there, my oenntrymen ! A biU of dose on Ten Millions. Dockyard Establishments short by 800 men, for repair^ ; 
of Iron-olads, at an expenae of one-third their original cost I Only 5,592 tons of Iron-okds, built in the year, though the vote talwA 
for 8^500 tons Jiad been exceeded. This year 100 mean to bnHd 19,470 tons. 

Then Air the debtor snd ereditor aoeonntof our eoonomiaingfriends on the other dde. Of .oar ferty-one •aea-goinfflron-eLids (five itin 
on the stooka, by the way) only eighteen effective! Of our fourteen for coast and harbour delenoe, indndrng ABj)ewutatum (we doit J 


Mat % 1874] 





m«im to tend her to sea till wc know more about her), only nine 
rood for anything at all! Our Ma* Coimv was abused for his 
laviBb expenditure on the Navy» and yet, in less than seven years 
froan Flying Childers's year, the Estimates are np witbin el quiirter 
of ft million to where our Mk, Coiunx left them. 

"ThoUfh he** (JCn, W. H.) »»«»» not preparntl fn nmnn^f i.nv inlilHfriTi to 

Ml pnidepfCMr's EitisiateA, ho nntM not take u; it hu 

^a» fliliitied of their miffieionoy to maintam Uiu V run- 

iti l io a> nor fiould be oonooal firvnn hiinieLf that it mi^ut b*} noiiviiSi.iij ncrcaftar 
to umIbo IVwh denuunk on the pablio." 

Then followed an aJirf ul pause. 

** MiF^ looked at earb other, pile and dumb, 
Or wlatpenng wilii white lips, * The extms comp, thry eoino^* '*" 

Ms. Hnm knghed to aoom the idea of sending the 00,000 01011 wtio 
h«d bee&'Mitiid to sea in modem ship* for Ten Millions, There muat 
be Tiif»rfr^^3 built* la not Eeed there to build them?' Tn e» 
or/' Josse/ 

i:ide ns jrood a fi^ht aa oould be expeeted on the 

nt. As SIr. Hukt had found so much fault, he 

L to take action. But the Honae must bear in 

-■ wages, cod, and ■- *^ -'-' -laterialfl, the nnex- 

'.' repairs of h mdthe aatoniahing 

• modem tvpe r.i ^ teriomted. (Lucky 

d»» by tlie way, for the model of one ye^r is the awful worn- 

the next,) Some ships out of rejmr ? Of course there w^ere. 

*" every ship in the Navy were required to be comidetely 

al( every moment, the Estimates must be incnjased by 

of thousands. 

And then on Me. Samfda's Motion projfress was reported^ and 

pmln r^ akedadelled, asking each other rud^ully, with MB- BStsft's 

: ** supplements" looming in the distance, "What it ta b©- 

'ho Budget?" 

. this was a higlUy sensational evening . . . For what 
uought of it next morning, see Cartoon. 


lW«*/av. — The Bishop op Pcterbokoitoh (Da. Maoss) the 

Tri^^i iliain ind of the^ Bench, moved for, and got, a Committi3e of 

inquire into the Laws relating to Patronage, Simony, 

] lange of Benefices in the Church of England. 

Iti the Commons, Punch rejoiced to hear that the Cha^celloe was 

considering the possibility of putting two Clerks on the Civil Service 

i^ - -- ^ionl 

if new brooms, after that! Was ever auohathing heard 
^im Tinder milktoaie to have a voiee aa w^ll a^ the upper ! 
Coixyv^EL KiyfiscoTE called attention to the social and sanitary state 
(ff the Forest of De^n— where ia a population of 22,000 on Crown 
r contributing only £335 to the Poor-rates, largely productive 
r, ooaL and iron, with no parochial ayatem, no drainage, 
'*piy» no surveyor of highways, no sanitary, highway, 
authority whatever within its bounds, and b«t one 
' A property, in short, producin?rfi*om the ^r^^^'*^'^ ' 
f navy oak and a nett revenue of £11 
ants an abundant and inereasmg crop 
ickguardism, and tj^phoid fever. 
SttrriTjpTomiaed inquiry. Let him peg away at Her 
^ vpttiee of Woods. 

. is no- denying: or disfirtiaing that the- lof e abstract of cor- 
[fi^t«A lix/tw^rfM-T, tVjp Indian Oorer'^*^"'^''*' "»*''^ +^^*' si^.n^M^f^T'T ,>' 
five to the l^r* 
vr?rr ** s-evert'lj, ■ , ■ .1. ■,■ '.■■■, .^ ■ 

Tim HOOK i;'s views, and to okp an 

1 BFXI>, 

rnc matt " "" ' becau<ie tern- 
ed a Rej^i - name of tlie 

-"^■'^ '' xvr. the future, 

►n w»» negatived; 
- ■ night gives us no 

nqniry into the Dukinfield ColHery Explosion, 
■ ee lives, on the Motion of Mb. MAdiOJTAXD, 

Thout a division, the S<soond R4?ad!njrof his 
Corporationa to elect their own High tJhcriffs 

' ' ' i ' 'V, 

— Mn. MoHJt'ft Revenue OiEoers* Voting, and 

irl.. J I'.ill^ u ♦.re i^ead a Second time ; but as boti will 

i, we waive them now, 

.K^ T ..r,T. r .. . V, . . i^oft^a Land Tnmafer 

roRsiTBn to a oijiiioot 

I Satectf CJoromrttw- 

H4S at Jii^ht has, uwually, nothin^r 

!i the morning interrfercH with their 

i^hipi' iiiq)' ul huvjiH >s. 

In the Commons, we are going to look into the Suez Canal busi- 
nesa, and see if M. dk Lesseps is to be allowed to stop the commerce 
between West and East, along of a differemae of a tew francs a ton 
settled against him by the repreeentatives oi aik nations, including 
his own. 

Punch, and all England, rejoices to hear tEit CUptain QuotisblU 
to have a mark of diatinotin:i Lim for hSip services against 

Coomassie, and we hope a litr udding bMidae. 

The date of the abolition oi Uw iiii^i on Iteftned Sugar {Mai/ 21) 
19 not to be postponed. 

On bringing up the Report on Budget llasolutions M&. Qr.ij)sro]r£ 
oamti out in the new character of *' sucking dove," and said ditto to 
the Ch.lncello^ of tile Kxcs£<if£& with an unction of unanimity 
amcxkfth and sweet enough to make 

"Time run back and fetch the ag« of gvld,** 

wbon Liberal LSona and Tory Lambs lay sida by side, and rival 
Hnanciers blessed instead of bully-ragged each other. The Budget 
was tho best possible Budget— the estimates of revenue the most 
trust worthy^ the remiaaions of taxation the most happily chosen. 
'* In .short, if I were not OLABSioirB, I would be Nohtucote " wa& 
the burden of a speech that ftlla three columns of the Timea, 

Thus aided, abetted, and comforted, Sra Staffqed soared intftitbe 
seventh heaven of complacency on rose-coloured wittga. waa otKtk- 
surer than ever of his million and a half expansiim 01 revenue, — 
have we not the abaorption of apirita steadily increaaing, and what 
will not free sugar do to swell consumption of all other victual, 
and to open all aorta of new induatiies ?-^and as for M.E. W Aitii 1 1 inrx 's 
thoeatened supplementary demands on the pubUo purse for Navy 
expenses, what are a few hundreds of thousands, and who is Joflx 
Bull that he should go in fear of such lleabitea ? 

Hut, still, waa Mr. Wabd Hn>T on Monday talking Bunkum ? 
SeBi« inmrt, John Bull would like to feel quite easy on that point. 

Mb. FrcLDEX divided the Hi>ii3e on the repeal of the Malt Tax, 
with a division of 17 to ''■'., L.U3ffG waa not even allowed to 

move a Resolution for k^ l^ Income Tax at 3rfi. (by reaaon of 

informality), nr^ '^'" ^ >ihji9e»wa:» defeated by 2-j.j to 139 on 

a Motion to ej( > nder JMI^and to deduct £100 in taxing 

incomes bet wtc _ j_: .^_.± l.-Of). 

The upshot of the evening was the votinjrthe Budget Resolutions, 
without amendment. ** 80 let that dy stick to the wa\** 

Sir l>TArFOED may sleep on both ears, for the present. 

Jv-w/rt^.-^Their Lordships heard the late and present Secretary of 
State for India on** The Drought in BengaL" As became Secre- 
taries of State for India, th^y justi^od, in the atrongeat terma, all 
that had been done by tlu^ Governor-General ; and quite right too. 
The utmost encouragement that Parliament and tlie Country can 
give Lord Kortitbbook is not more than he wants— and, aa far as 
Punch can judge, deserves— in this terrible trial of his courage aiid 
resources. At the same time, one canttot blink the fact tmit tile 
two strongest and hardest-headed of Indian administrators, Loan 
1. v^%iiE>CE ond 8tR Geobob Caupbbel. are at odds with him on 
ion of exportation. Doctors will differ, even when patients 
Lf; but Lord Korthbbook must have f elt verv clear aa 
lu ni^ cNmcluaiona bdbre he accepted the responsibility of dt&ring 
wiUi mclv author! t ies aa Lawbencb and C ami'u p^l . 1 1 seems abcm- 
dantly clear that all that can be done ii being dune* and will be doaew 
[Lt home and in India, by everybody in power itom highest to hyweet, 
till this a/Eiotion ia or?erpatfc. 

In the Commena we had a nii^t, Alt«r tha preUenotuiml atrenity 
of Tkuniday, 

** Bifiifntcr per punim tnnantas 

£fit equot volu^remque eumim." 

M n. > M ' row down the tfhonder by a Resolution eondenmm^ 

the late ! 1 for precipitancy and surprise. 

The bui.* ..x.....-,cr for Cambridge is lucky or unlucky in the pos- 
session of a historio name, which recalls remembrances of Jlmidom 
and Picklf, Bramble and Trunnion. His attack combined the slap- 
dash and mischief of the first pair, with the sting and coarseness of 
the second. But he caught it, when the King of Men arow, end 
amot9 Thersit^a ! That was a caution ! 

** In&rix puer, atqa« impar ooagressua Aohilli.** 

Bnt harder to bear than even the onalaught - haa 

wrath, was the iffnominy rif having to pat up wti . >r s 

Seconder! But for ♦ ^ ve baiokingof the Member for Oaros^— 

whose description < : . diseoverra in priMvn tm the :i4th of 

Jartuary, nuggeats a inrnire to wiili^h r- — ^ rTK*B f^agm in the 
condemned cell would be fctible— Mr, would have had 

to go without even a ringl© voice to c-.j ... Motion as ivr oaa 
negative without a dlviaimi. 

B^ore breakinsr np, th*» Honse did a good stroke of busxnea* in 
Supply, prinri" head of Publio Works and Buildings* 

LordH. L>> -: away dilhouitiec as ingeniously tm 

Mil Ayrton us< a to thu^.* Them, 




[Mat 2, 1874. 




** Wky, Cook, I declare t hbr« combs thk long-lost Tortolsb Unclb Fhilip gavb us last YjueI Airo out of thk CojUt 
Cellar^ of all PLAosti in the World !" 

^' LorV Mi8s Oeacb, ia that th£ Tortoisb T Wat, I'vb bbsk A^xrsm' ow 1» all tebouoh the Wiktbr to brkak tkx 
Coals with 1 *' 


Paris » Aprtl 25, 

It mtist be a very pleasant thing (no disrespect to you, Sir) to be 
ft French journalist. To sit down and write a pleasant article, 
about nutfiing' on earthy sprinkled with epigrams more or less 
pointed (all epigrams look pointed in French, wbilej translated into 
English— but no matter!), made np of nice little anecdotes about 
the last new piece or the last new scandal — politics, and subjects 
requiring information, avoided ao dexterously that I never can 
make out, on the one hand, where English newspapers get their 
French politics from, and, on the other^ why every successive 
Government takes, after a time, to ** warning " these gentlemen 
for their innocent produotions— with a whole ^mament of stara, 
as thus- 

thrown in at everjr third line to fill out the column. IfThen a 
French iournolist is, as Mosalind says, ** gravelled for lack of 
matter* his cleanliest shift is to" star. And, finally, with your 
name in full signed ostentatiouslj at the end — it is difiicult to 
imagine a pleasanter line in life. And what is the result ? 
Journalism in France is the road to everything* It has the same 
mysterious oyster-opening qualitication which tradition as&i^s with 
u« to the fascinating and elevating profession of the Bar. If everv 
British barrister is expected to attain to the Woolsack, every French 
journalist sees himaelt a possible Thiers or an embryo GlEARoiz^. 
Then the pay! Do you know (no reproach to you. Sir), that, for 
one of those brilliant fireworks in toe GauloU. which leave his 
reader (and him) no wiser than he started, M. Albert Wolff 
receives some two hundred and fifty francs — ten pounds sterling, 
money down ? Meanwhile, he is making to himself a name and a 
style of his own. 

Now, in England journalism means (in nine cases out of ten) a 
living grave. We are always being told that our wits are a sad 
f alling-off from our fathers', and that there is no voung talent now^a- 
days. Nonsense [ there is as much of it as ever. But that same young 
wit, fresh from College triumph, and full of working power, but 
unacquainted with attorneys, and craving small profits and quick 
returns, drifts straight into anonymity, and writes flashy articles 
bajsed upon a certain knowledge of Greek and Latin, and an uncer- 
tain smattering of general information, and what becomes of him in 
ten years ? Luce the chameleon, he has taken the colour of his soil. 
Has he Saturdajr-Reviowed ?— he is chronically epigrammatiot ill- 
natured, BuperficiaL Has he Telegraphed ?^he la gushing, senti- 
mental, spasmodic. Does he belong (I write with bated ink) to the 
** Leading Journal **?— he is poDQerous, didactic, overpoweringly 
** well-informed.'* Has he been admitted among the sacred few that 
bear the mark of Punchy and recognise motley as their only wear ?— he 
is pathetic, witty, or grotesque at will. But, one and all ■ < v, ^ 

of the pen have sacrificed their individualitv. They at \\v 

Seat We,*' and not one in a hundred will ever be an i ini kis 
3t epitaph appears in the last paper for whioh he has worked^ an^l 
informs the world, which has never heard of liim, how Mit. JoxEs 

carried all before him at College in the year of grace ^ and ever 

since has been one of the stoutest pillars of journal ism, but without 
a mark, a date, or a name, to tell ** here Jonks once wrote.** 

Look at the other side. Writing as an unit and a somebody, a 
French journalist works tinder a sense of person 1 r : i o*^- 
If he doesn*t take care, he gets ** called out" t 
shocking, of course; and if **We** were called oi ' ^' 

should stay at home. But though England doesn t 
brings actions. And what is the advantage to somt 
individual — who has made himself a singular, and findn ; m^ 

morning recklessly accused of indecency, perhaps, or iiij -of 

bringing an action against **us"? "We "are, very iii^f-iv, M»me 
nasty little boy with a turn for writing smart sentences. ind.iilgin(r 
in our first letter, or our first criticism, and quite reeklcaa of tlio 


Mat 2, 1874,] 



P«iji ** We " give. But, for tkc purposes of the Law, we — the plural 
that \en% aifi wOl, probably, never make itaeif, a tingrular— are tho 
great m^wvpaper wluob has published our Taluabk thougiht* It 
would b«5 highly improper in our Editor to give up our name, and 
we take very good care not to do it ouraelwa. So we get a verdiet 
agmin^ the poor nngular, who has been waak enough to object to 
fair oriticism ; and the world Bays, as it is bo fond oi saying in the 
good old jrame of couBequenoes, Serve him right ! " 

Tour Occasional bejerau this letter with the intention of supplying 
some rery valuable iniormation about the preeent condition of 
French partiee and French polities, with whian it would give him 
the greatest possible pleasure— at the rate of remuneration nien- 
tiooed aboTe, by way of a delicate hint to )rou— to iill, at the leasts 
another of your columns. But if he did, Bir, you ore quite capable 
of cutting it aU out, ** We '* propose, therefore, to continue the 
subject in our next. 



Hon-ysLY the ugliest, m well aa 
the latest, addition to that 
Super - Mare Chamber ,of 
Hurrors— the Brighton Aqua- 
rium—is the **Sea-I>evil/' 
who, among other engagmg 
peouliaritieBf we are in- 
fonaed, oarries his ** organs 
of r6«pimtioa and sound 
^ 1 1 — -A - \Mw/ X! under his arms." There 

% S^^i. r^ \nm ^ * tBWBitrial plagme — Ba^^ 

^* VV^^^^^k > MM/^m pipena diabukcits — ^whoKt 

afflmty with this boa-mon- 
ster is proved by his oaarrying 
hiM organ of soimd in the 
same plaoe. He mAy he seen 
— ana wocie, iiescd — om 
Brighton BenBh dusmg the 

_ ._ liappjr those who eaeiqje the formidable means of asmoyanoe 

with wfdch tnia torestnal demon hoj been armed by one of those 
myjit«nous dispcosationa of creative power which puz2k the philo- 

Another Deputation.^ 

* Thti next £aiolutioii, rektmg U the Sugar Duties, wu also sgreed to, 
B vsriml aUerstioa proposed by the CoA^f caixoa of na Bxauxauaa, 
i to plums pfesenred in nigftr," 

With reference to the above oxtraot from the proceedings of the 
House of Commons, we are requestied to state tnat, owing to the 
s of business^ the Chanoxlloil of tice Exchequeii, to hia 
» regret^ was unable to reouve a large and iniiueutial Depu- 
the Children of Enjj^land, to remonstrate with him for 
""7 the general remission of the Sugar Duties to Sugar- 


Thd Presa and tlio Frinov of Darkness. 

If tJie Echo is worthy of its name, it has not reproduced words 
risr spoken in stating that : — 

Btutor Hani^KT (Romsn Cathotic), while prfwuhtng in Hoatnouth on 
'-- "L^, deirribed tbs Ifnm as *the most pQwwful sngijio in the 

im honl/" 

LlL ^ u^^yip that the Deril in whose armoury the Bishop regards 
tho I'Tciaa aa an engine is only the Printer's Denl. 

A Lively Resxti^* — ^The Man who picked up an Aoqualntancse 
•oon dropt^ him again* 


**Si vUpaceni^ porn helium. ^^ 



rj ( 




A GiAXT Btbam HAMicstt.— a wock of natmal im- 
portanM wss c^»n«LLnLiiisted ytssisrdjiy in the eomplt'- 
titm of thti 30-toQ steam oammer, ereetad in tho 
Royal Arsenal, Woolirich^ for the nmnttfsoture of 
the grast artillery of tho futiim. The appsmtuB, 
whiiih ws« ordered to be ia i^tdioow, if possible, by the lat of Hay, iii 
aaticipatioii of the risit about to be paid to Enjrhiiid by tbe EitPXfU^a of 
Bussix, hm been, by dint of iodostiy, finiihed a week within tho dsUs 
Te«terday moiming, tno staun pipei were charged for the iimt time, and 
the hammer was worked. To say it is the largest and moat powerful in thcj 
world ooBTeys but a fiunt idea of ita capabilitiea."— IV«»#». 

le this the hammer of Thar 

That was wielded long ago 
By the giant god of war 

in the realms of endless snow, * 

When otir hero-sires came forth 
From thetr home in the hardy North, 

On their track of triumph and woe f 

Ay\ 'tis the weapKin of might 

The SoandtnaTian Mani, 
Held in the front of fijfht 

Under the froatv stars : 
^Tis the constable B handiest tool 
Against Folks or Kings of Misrule, 

We show to the keenest of Czars. 

* Twill whip up a hundred tons, 

As in a giant's oaprioa, 
And weld the mass to gim»— 

Monsters that still increase. 
When thus the sons of TnoR, 
Can f or^ great weapons of war, 

Thfey nave forged the Hammer of Peaoc 

Aid to mx, AnirauLLTT*— How is the problem of Naval Re* 
oonstruction (whioh recurs annually) to be solved? One step towards 
permanenU tructing the Navy might be the aymdanoe of 

misoonstr u ch haj9?been so rife in reoaat ditimns of oplnioa 

at the AdiUi^.L*vc^i« 


[Mat 2, 1874, 




]tr ncroE Dcoca 
WW TttB Fntar-ALL at sea. 

BcdC IBS 8f OWTD* 

Tk r Looji » niiMi wi« Pott. 

It wv A itrank lieCwe^n Pcrrr ftnd Eettle. 

AU vsiftbid El«criltcid tilenix^. 

Xo oa« ipoktt to Ui* If ftii al the Wh<«:l. 

**Kfttl« Dtf' ' Bum ti hiinself, quoting mm 

\ IW CV^ibf r/7. fe^rftil duel bcftween Pott aad 

i'lMlIt Vtt tlie ni-nrcn imu^ i> i ncket an the Hearth that he had I 

rmB* liwii flkiUlM m the Eiteheo, it was Pola in tbe Pan try, i 
vta FootM! in 
th# Urdtr. Thus it 
ehstteed Uiat h« 
f|ttoled tmeoBioionAl^* 
iMimwiwe, it wa» not 
■ Ijvi* for qtuA^iitmtL 

Hm whole happmed 
in A hatf-Uftht. It is 
not olt^ that you 
Hod a whole tn a half. 

The bcrtlii}^ tin 
Kettle atainit th« 
Cookf hold sjChnM. 

It was tin acainit 
hrsum. Metal agminft 

**Conie oUt cttn't 
ycrr* iaidthc Man. 

The Kettle seemed 
to linten ; then, with 
a whi»<kiiig noise, and 
f^pouting forth an 
overflow of boiling 
•oop, it mshed at him. 

He, supple, agil' , 
iidroit,ffliaedawa^ m. ^ 
Ml reafh of these hglii 
uinfr-Uke moremetit 

Tlia histiug iDon 
Rter turned, and eai! 
at him. With i' 
^^jKiut, h'ke a bird'h 
beak. It spranjr sud- 
denly nvon the Cook, 
and peelced him. 

** Keep up your 

KpektT^" said Lk 
iiUK, from thcj head 
of tbe stairs on the 
tipper deck* He could 
sneer, even in the 
face of danger. 

The Cook screwed himftell Doiielesaly ont of his jacket, and slid 
away. The senseless Kettle tore the garment to shreds. 

Then the Cook rushed at the handle, as a Spanish Matador will 
teiie a buU by the tail. Far safer than acting by the proverb, and 
taking him by the horns. Proyerbs are not Practice. Even a wise 
•aw has no wisdom teeth* 

The handle came off in the man's grasp. 

For a second the Kettle wan puzzled at its loss. Then it showed 
its Tjails. They were not claws, they were not talons r simply nails* 
With fury redoubled by the indignity, it seemed to my, '* Cbme, 
I *v© lo8t mv tail : 1 must put an end to this, somehow," Then, in 
blind rage, hissing and sti*aming, it rushed uixin the defeated Cook. 

*' Give it one in the eyel '* ahouted Commajtdee JoHAjrK«a, from 

The Cook, armed with a spit, attempted to net upon this advice. 
The Kettlo had no eye, only a lid. Tflis latter he failed to wound. 
The Furious Monster was on him, and, in another moment, the 
dwim of the Man would have been sealed. 

But for the Myaterious Passenger, MAss^ONEfi, on the com- 

*''»*hf^ notOfiB him. An Inspiration. A memorvof his early 
1. Kettles sang — he sang* Now he sang loudly. Ho sang 
, lut not well. 

Tbe Kettle pausid in it* fierce onilaiiglit. The 
Kmember the tima when it, too, Mt oo a hoih, aisgiag. 

Clearly the creature was aioined* Ita lid trembled, and more than 
cne diDrp triekkd down ita ndea. Takmr advantage of thb mo- 
asentary wcakneai, the Cook jwiamhlfd on hia kgs, and catelung the 
machine a ata|ietidfrai kiak, loit itova% mawling,€ii ita aida^ apa&l^ 
belpleaa : an tncft, inaoiiBala mass, nodi a feat as Ihia was only 
possihle to one who had been brtmght up as the Son of a Sea C'ook, 

It waa ended. The Man had eoDquernl the Monster* The C^sw 
had jumped over the Moon. Tbe Pott had oooquered thit £J0ttlau 
The whole Crew hurried down the oompaniou. 
But the soup was heikd awmv to nothinir. 

*' Sirv^ said the Cook to the distrnguiBfaed Paasenger, ** I owejrou 
my life.'* And be handed him m paper with three letters oa it. Thay 
were L 0. U. 

The old man answered nothing. He appeared to he dead to whai 
was going on aruund him. And more than dead, he waa bmied IB 

A wonderful thing is steam. In aa instant the kettle waa securely 

••Now,^' said the 
dignified Passenger^ 
whom the Sailors 

*' the K«ttle haa 
lashed, let the 
be lashed, too,** 

Tbe Shi^^s Chap- 
lain^ who, tnrouf^hout 
the danger, had been 
seated on the mnin- 
reading the Act, 
soended, and _ 
the Man for His 
The Cat with 
tail»— the last of its 
tnarvellons species — 
■ - brought out. 

..^i EoBor s&n Jih 
bowed to the Pa»- 

*' You are th« 
General," they said; 
**and a General al- 
wayn gives orders on 
board ship.*' 

**Then," said the 
stately Passenfitrp 
**tntcn him over." 

They pitched him 
all over. 

M—fhdmihn $mk 
in trith a Lottery* 

Thf. Sea rocked the 
vessel tbreateninffly. 

Sinc^ she had bcefi 
on her cradle she ha/d. 
never been so rooked- 
The damage done by the Kettle of fish was irreparable. 
The Mabquis de Boubilot spoke to the Man at the Wheel. 
*' Where are we now 't ** 
** Here,'* replied the Man, vapTuely. 

Neither one thing nor the other— such is the Sailor, A man i*-j 
either a bad sailor, or a good sailor. To the former the answer ha^ 
a disquieting signmcance. The motto of the Ocean is ** rough an4i 
ready. '^ The 6ea was ready— it was going to be rough. 

^>hips in the offing. Ready to blow the Jiingdore out of the water- | 
The water ready to sink the Mingdove. 
Le Brun cried aloud, in his brave merriment, " Here 's a go I *' 

Thb Ship was little more than a wreck. 
The Captain put his glass in his eye. 
** I see the rocks." 

*' You see double," answered the Pilot. 
*^ IV a all up with us," said the Captain, looking at the Ml 
** Or all down," said the Pilot, looking at the rocks. 
*• What are those rocks ? " asked the MARQtJis he BoBBn.aT. 
" Blue Rocks," answered the Pilot. 
*' Blue Rocks ! Then we are near Hurlinghom," 
** A good shot of yours," replied Hobis don JiU, 



ffmdand, ** I thxnk tou mkiht let mk Nurse that Tkapot a littlb NOWt 



A Times' talegram from Santander iiiforiM us that : — 

** From one o^ulook of the btp ' .11 

o'dook of tht" morn ing of th e ei z h ' ' i 

wontlirown into th« tovraof BiiUv, ..**.- •.*. i,vi»^ vv«^w.t«j in 
the air flt« projtctilet/* 

gy .',«.^].. ..^uK^ptio it follows that each ^^^^^1 v^n^t 
)JMp '^^ minutes in the 4ijr. n.^ 

' ifili- 1 ijred for the purposes ot 1 il- 

ment, di^oording to the syBtem ol artillery kithtarto in 
voj^e^ hAs nerer be«m ktjown to exceed thirty-ei^ht 
seconds, it ' !^ i ' i^" r^pondentli *: i ut 

to our kii -eoverv* ^\ e 

would b« kiu-j. cu'._-upi;ii lu ^+i-T.-.iji*er and C'i)iiiiL±,*.L,Lj<.\^ijj^ 
our Wot Otlice authorities will, uo doabt« ijumtfdiu.tcily 

Nothing can be oonoenved more tryim j to the oerres of a 
beleaguered garrison than a fiucoaflsion of sbollii, lite at 
a time, wavering for thirty-eight minutes over tht?ir 
doomed heads, in a state of uncertaiilLty as to where they 
irill pitch. 

*Ih.e only wonder is how the defenders of Bilbao have 
been able to hold out so long; against thi:i fearful new 
mis^e ; and we hcmn^ if Our Own Gorretpcmdent hoa not 
invented it himsdS, that he will soon ^ nose " out the 
invention for the ttws of his ^i Qever she 13 

called upon to proTide bombar> 

We should propote to ohnttexi u^lb iuiiixxviu^iie projectile 

Ashantee Glovor* 

The thanks of one Housei and muoh praine from the 

Is thii the reward that we give our brave Glovek 1? 
Promotion and Honours are scattered about^ 
But the hero of heroes is strand V ' ^^ nii. 
His share in the many line thii -ere said — 

*TLa excellent butter— but whc;_ . .^. OrgAdf 


PfiESTDBNT GRAJirr has vetoed the Bill for adding a 
hundred inilLion in ^aper dul! ^ ' 'he United States 
ourreney. Ultsses^ in his w: lines to figure as 

a G&ANT in aid of bogus-s^.-^-. . Uj unsubstantial 
enterprise, and hollow prosperitv* — with the certain 
prospect of discredit, collap^^ ana bankruptoy in the 

Le Beun lauierhed aloud. 

** Those are the Blue Rocka— we are the Pigeons, We have played. 


le Sailors oolleoted the pieces, and tried to put the cannon 

' We have only one great gun on board,*' mid BoBBttCT. 

* Tru6," replied JoiUNxma ; ** he is there." 
And he pointed towards HiiiaABairiES* 
BouBiLoi nodded assent. 
, _ "And he most be let off,** said HEua«ioQrifiBEB-A0*FmoKT'D£- 

Vni. — Some ofHf ^U out. 

, Tn Paasf^nger had not Quitted the ddok. Aaiidst all the dangers 
^itt had not changed colour. 
Lb Bbun addressed the men* 

" Sailors, Soldiers, and Mounted Marines. We must either be 
^^{■aners for travelling without a licence, or we go to pieoea.*' 
•'Hcarl Hear!^* 

** This man^ our respected Pasa«nger. does not wish to unblaoken 

' i face. To blacken " f'>'^'^^ t« not to blacken a character. To save 

fling, is toaavo u J.'^ 

^Ytsa, yea, yeal'N Craw, 

) distinguished lU^fieugur put his hand to his heart, shook his 

, and made an obeisance so low as to send his coat-tails up 

the aky, while hia akne'Kn'opped hair nearly touched the 

^ _ ! is about to risk serions danger," tontinued Lb Beun. 


"* He must land on th? coast. Where there is no coast, he cannot 
rvd. Where t ' iecper than two inches, there is a ohance of 

owninif. Tlit o tak«n where the Whale escapes. Or nW MtLiTLV-ME]sr* 

Who will row MMH gentleman to shore J* " * twelve Y 

' Here y' are, Sir ! " cried all the Crew at onoe, eagerly, and in 
different tones. '* Go out for a sail this morning^ Sir ? Nice day for 
a row, Sir? Pine outside. Eighteen pence an hour. Hare y^ are, 
Sir ! Take you for a shilling/' 

'' No. Who will go for nothing P " 

The men held back. 

Then one stepped forward. 

* a will.*' 

»* Your name?" 


Le Bkuk addressed him. *' Ton are a ^y jjoung fellowi full oi 
mirth and full of spree. You accept the situation f ' 

'* I do.'^ 

The dignified Passenger took Lb Biiux's hand. He mnrmured, 
** 0, JoHKNT, I*m in luck dis tima." 

(7b be 90niinu§il,) 

loL Oompagnle Transatlantique. 

A HAPPT name, n\esi'Cepasf Befits a purr - ^^ ='' "iffantic! 
La Ligfw Franraise^ link of two worlds on lo the Atlantic ! 

But where are worlds to link, since you ' v€» 1 1, in your pother, 

L'Burope^* on one side of the sea, and L^Amirtqu* on t'other ? 

• Funch need scarcely remind his readtifa that these two fine iteamort of 
La Compaphie^ abandoned iit tea by tbsir offloers aad QiewS| hars been brought 
into port by ludvorB who were sailors. 

TUB EEAL AlTXHOBnTBS 03T i?rpnirrUia.I8M. 

Aren^t they disembodied eleven months out of the 

Su^olJc Ploughmaru " YoD 'Bm kight thebi, Majh*il Wi?z2LE«, ftARi'N sxteb ! It 'on't dbw. Our Sjll flAHT tbkre'll bk EiaHT 
Shill'n' AJiP Tiuut^i jDfcK FOK Brexd^ TflKKK-Aia>-SixrwJcK FOE Rknt and Coal, and Half-a-Ceaown for Clitb, CLoraBa, Botss* 


Five British Iron- dads, sailing round tlie Now, 

One fouled the Ramsgate light-ship, then there were four. 

Four British Iron -clad s, for harhour use, not sea, 

One gToanded on her own beef-bones,, then there were three. 

Three British Iron-olads^ firing in review, 

One blew her turrete through her keel, then there were two. 

Two British Iron-c1adH» eaoh with it« monster gun, 
One burst and blew her ship up, then there was one. 

One Britiah Iron-clad, won't stay» wear, steam, nor steer — 
If the late bad lot eome back again, pVapi ^he will disappear, 

E?lDE:ffT. — The Dutj^ on Sugar is, of course, to bring in a Lump Sum 


Thb Shtffield Telegraph of April 18th, contains the following 
myfiterioufl advertisement : — 

WANTED, a MAN U make POTS, and pull out three HOLES ia 
the North of England.'* 

What has the North of England done amiss that gentle ud 
amiable Sheffield should thus deaire to pull holes in ner ? Art 
there not holes enough already in the bright and blooming eoal- 
Helds of Durham and Northumberland, and the iron-fields of Cf'" 
land ? Who can it be that thus proposes to mine— to unden 
the North r^ ** Holes?" ** Holy !"^ Can it be? A light da^ 
me. " Holv Island ! '» '' Holy Father ! " Ha ! ha I No—yt 
IB— it must be [ " Now, Jesuit, I have thee on the hip I " Yes, fool 
idiot that I was! I see it now in all its hideous nakedniMt 1— a 
Popish plot, an Ultramontane conspiracy ! 

A notur, Nbwbkgate ! WHAiiiiET to the rescue ! 

Well may they advertise, at the same time, for one to ** miiltr 
Pots,^^ those Pota to which our England will go, when onee she hu 
been made holy in the hideous hierarehioal sense borne by the word 
on Ultramontane lips« 

Unholy Roman, Avaunt ! Rampant Ritualist, retire ! 

WnALLEY and Newhegate aiding-, I def v you and all your worki, 
from the St, Barnabas Baldacchino to the fexeter Reredos ! 

The Gravedigger^a Bemonstrance. 

(Jo SlU IL THOMi^OK.) 

Who are you, to be thieving 
The poor Sexton's bread f 

How can we earn our living. 
If you urn our dead ? 

0trtft. x» Cft# maact of WbitttrUn, u iftt tXtf af Loatfgn, ui4 Fi>lilUib«4 by kla M No M, Plen «Crvvt. ui th« r*rtU of Si BfM«, at^ of Uodua,— N / 

May % 1874.] 





^ Frtd. ** YsH. And tbat Ge^tlsmak's Hoksb smiis to fektba Sedtino his, Job/' 


{See Mamfshire Independent^ April 25. ^* Rural Hfe in 

r*re heer*d folks talk o^ Hampshire hog:8 ; the hogs they means 
is we, 

't refuse the compliment we takes it for to be. 
rime perfection pigrs in Hamoshire we do brin^ ; 

. .. iLTT says, *' this hog is altogotner a good thing. 

TChat there *b a ho^ on fonr legs though ; hut there be hogs likewise 
-^^ nnr own breed m HampjhirOt yet that Uvea like hogs in styes ; 
* two sich two-legged Hampshire hogs was Willlam and Daice 
! pigifed m a ehalk-pit on the Down, near Lasham, Alton- way. 

[if house they oouldnH bide in ; a' was out of all repair. 
00 they went and made theirselves wot you med call a lair. 
hurdles. thatche<l, set in a hole, for a hut they made to do, 
that there a pigstye, and a sorry pigstye too. 

lud tlnen they bid for some four year, until the 'ooman died, 
^y dropty oaQMd by heart- disease, the dootor sartified. 
^The €rown0r*i quest as sat on her their verdict gie^d the same ; 
-^|jid on the want o* sanitairy inspection laid the blame, 

and unattended nigh four days the copse did lay 
bed on the bare ground ; none other goods had thev. 
" a place as was the stye where they a pig*B liie led. 
tm tun«B wuss than pigityes be when one on *um was dead* 

pig bean* t never arter death neglected not like that ; 

e'got too much respect for 'nn, ^ocnI pork and bacon fat. 
-^ in Alton Guardian in his pi^ye would allow 
irday to Tuesday for to lay Ms poor old sow. 

It oome ont at the Crowner*8 quest, at Froyle, a year agoo, 
Boam people o* them parts was in a chalk-pit piggun* too ; 

A familj- o' HampsMre Hogs, both gurt and little swine, 
Housed in a way I shouldn t like to zee no hogs o* mine. 

The Crowner*8 sent the verdict to the Local Guv*ment Board ; 
And now a fit Ins^ct^ir p*raps the Guardians ^ool aiford ; 
And then Hampshire Hogs on two legs wun*t ne*er be found no more 
A livun' in a pigsty e that 's too bad for hogs on four. 


A EATHEB unoommon event occurred the other day in the Lower 
House of Convocation. A moderate and reasonable speech was de* 
livered there. The subject of it was the Archbifihop^a Message, and 
the speaker Caitok Geegoet. According to report : — 

** Speaking of the Exeter reredos case. Canon GatiooRT said thjtt it vroutd 
he impoMahle to tav what adonmieats might not be ordered to bo removed if 
erected without a faculty." 

There is a faculty without which some monuments are erected, oa 
some follies are practised in aome churches— the faculty of common 
sense on the part of Clergvmen. In that ca»e, indeed, ouffht the 
follies not to be stopped, and the monuments of folly removed ? Bat 
the Exeter reredos appears to be hardly a monumont of this descrip- 
tion. The faculty without which it wa» erected was a permissive 
faculty, which should have be^sn obtainod from the Bishop. If, 
however, the Bishop of Exbtir faai such a faculty as common sense 
to confer, would he have objected to the erection of a aimply oma* 
mental and architectural work of Art f 

Al&rniin^ Scarcity. 

Is the country short of competent Judges ? Is it found difficult to 
obtain fit Magistrates when vacanoioB occur f It the demiLnd for a 
gtxxl Lawyer greater than the supply of that valuable and exi>cusive 
article ? These qne«tiont, which suggest v^-t^ -^rious rfiHec lions to 

the thoughtful mind, are nrompted b> k' the following 

significant notice — " Wanted first- cUfis I i ds/* 



[Mat 9, 1874. 


HTmrrifG the Public 
WoTBhip Hepilation 
Bin for a few days, 
till ConvocfttioE hoa 
had its Rii&Ii of talk- 
iiLgf and tlie Eilual- 
hts theii gush of 
writing' (to the 
Ti»i£s)t OTer the 
HcosiirBf WAS the 
first bufiQeifl of the 
Lords oa Mmiday^ 
April 28. 
Lord Bath thoug^ht 
dolav was only decent in the ease of " a Bill that binds the Clerg^y 
hand and foot ; "—a Bill (saya Punch) that lessens cost and delay 
in enforoing the law against Kitualising Inoombents. Strange, how 
different a thing looks from opposite sides. 

The Lord Chancellor was all for delay, as the Bill " stirred the 
minds of great masses of people ''—and masses, we suppose, should 
be stirred slowly. We should have thought "the masses" stirred 
thepeople more than the Bill. 

The real objection to the Measure in certain quarters is, precisely, 
that it does stir " ma88es,''-~eends them further from us. it is to be 
hoped, and us from them. But we doubt if the Bill's clerical 
opponents would like this public identification with " masses." It 
is what they may expect at the hands of their enemies, the idtra- 
Protestants, but not of Lord CnAXCELLOR Cairns. 

Haying shunted the Church Bill, their Lordships got on, and of!, 
the Rail, Lord Drlawarr moving for a Koyal Commission to 
inquire into Railway management, accidents, and means at prc- 
Tttiting them— legialatiTC aind meohanioal. Neglect of proper ap- 
plianots and oyerworking of servants hia Lordship thought the chief 
souroet of smash. 

Lord Houonroir (as leader for the DireotorB), spoke boldly up to 
his brief and instruotiont, contending all waa for the beat in this 1 

best of possible railway worlds. Directors, he thought, behayed with 
'* quite affecting disinterestedness." [If disinterestedness means 
not paying enough interest, we agree with Lord Houortok — 
and shareholders generally— that the disinterestedneai of DirectorB 
is affecting^ painfully affecting.] Besides, the interest of Directors 
is that their lines should be well managed. True, my dear Lord, 
were there no "capital account" to counsel, "'jSsm' bene «t 
possis, si fioHt quocunque tnodo^ ^aavef" till a imaah oomei and 
swallows up four times the vmt's saying in oompaiBationa. But 
Directors are so disinterested^ Bless you, they She paying oom- 

The Duke of Richmond was ready to grant a Select Committee — 
for the Government did not see their way to legislation. So the blind 
shall lead the blind, that both may not fall into a railway cutting. 

The Duke of Soherset— who, like a certain other old gentleman, 
is always finding work for idle hands to do— suggested that the new 
Commission, which is over-paid and under- worked, riiould undertake 
the job. Lord Carlihoford— epeakinff with full official knowledge 
of Captain Ttler'h big Report, and all the little Reports bred by 
all the railway accidents, printed at the public expense, and neatly 
docketted, and put away at Uie Board of Trade and all the railway 
oiEoes— pointed out that nine accidents out of ten were canted by 
overj^own traffic. Traffic, in fact, has grown into a giant, with feet 
80 big he can't put 'em down without smashing something, like a 
hen with too many chicks. Still he liked the idea of a Comiaiasion 
and an inquiry. Officials, and ex-officials always do. They staye 
off legislation, which means infinite trouble and vexation, (ttten to 
no end, to already overtaxed office-staffs, and their heads. 

Lord Salisbury had no faith in legislation, none in inquiry, 
none — yes, a little, in Time-tables punctually kept. Would he sug- 
gest a Bill for enacting the montlrs Bradsnato, en MoCf as a law of 
the Modes uid Persians, which no traffic-manager shall alter on 

Sain of being torn to pieces by wild engines, and so giya histrnj its 
hadnhaw the managericide to balance Bradshaw tbe regioida r 

In the Commons. Saxo-Graioiaticus in his None HutaiT hm a 
chapter " On Owls in Iceland." "There are no owls in loelmd.'' 6o 
Mr. Disraeli, in answer to a question about the aunRmriatuaaffOe 
balance arising from the Disestablishment of tab Iziah. Gfanh, 
explained that there was no balance— at least, in the EnriiA muB. 
The Irish balance is a debt of £9,700,000, which will oe paid in 
seventeen years^ and then there will be five miUions* yrorth of 
terminable annuities to divide. So, about 1893, Irish Pathriots look 
out for a scramble. But Lord save us, where may Irish Patriots 
and Irish property be by that time? " Who fears to speak of 
ninety-eight P '' Who cares to hope from ninety-three ? " 

Mr. Bourke informed dm G. Jeneinson that M. Lessefs had 
shown his good sense by knocking under to the Porte, and not put- 
ting the canal lights out. The commercial world generally, the Mnal 
shareholders in particular, will say ditto to Mr. Bourke. Better 
half a loaf than no bread, and ten nancs a ton than no francs at alL 

In Report on Committee of Ways and Means, Mr. Peel hoped, 
and Mr. Backhouse regretted, and Mr. Hubbard recoiniBeiiaed, 
and Sir L. Palk was sorry, and Sir G. Balfour and Mr. EimrAiKD 
advocated, and Lord Eslinoton and Mr. Hstgazb urged, and Ml. 
Orr-Ewino complained, to various effects about the Budgat; but 
as nothing came of hopes, regrets, recommendations, niau, advi^ 
oaoy, urgings, or : complaints, suffice it to say the Budget Baiain» 
tions were agreed to, and ordered to be embodied in a.BiU. 

On Motion for goine into Committee of Supply, Mr. Hajibubi 
moved that it is not ofesirable we should withdraw frcmi the Odd 
Coast. True, a Select Committee in 1868 had adviaed retmafc, but 
imports, exports, and revenue are growing. Did not GanAnr 
Glovkr tell them at Liverpool the other dis^ there is gold to be 
picked up "like potatoes," within twenty milcB of AoeraP Th«e 
can't be trade without protection, and nothing governs like a 
governor— ri'e/e Jamaica under Sir J. G. Grant. Withoot a 
Government there would be nothing imported to the Gold Coast but 
rum and guns. We owe a duty to the natives, and the kaat thflj 
can do is to pay their duties to us. What if goyemora cib die P 

<' Uno avulto non deficit alter 
Aureus, et simili fnmdeioit virga metsUo." 

There are always good Governors to be had, if youll pay for 'em. 

Mr. Holms, by way of seconding the Motion, argued that our 
Gold Coast Settlements cost more than they were worth, and that 
our late war promised a legacy of anything but peace. The wir 
was due to Colonial Office meddling ana muddling. The ABhantaw 
were the best of the black bunch, and we had denied them ^occbb to 
trade-ports, and ^ven Kino Coffee strong grounds to bo^ ovar. 
As to our duty in the future, it was to pave the way to dear 
out, and leave the natives and the traders to settle mattara tkv 
own way. And thus was Mr. Hanburx aeoonded. '* Gall yon <M 
backing of your friends," Mr. Holms P 

The Motion was adjourned till this day week, on the motioa d 
Mr. Mills, who is welcome to the additioh of " Cqrib " Mniib if 
lie likes. 

Mat 9, 1874.] 



And then we came to '* the toast of tho eveninff." Mr. Cross 
propowd the health of his friend, ^Ir. Bung, and tho Fuhlio. He 
began by sketohing his friend's career, pave some lively statistics of 
the growth in drink, and the improvement in drinking-nlaces. 
DuNO was a benefactor of his species. It was not public-houses 
that enoouraged drinking— (true, but sub-mi}do Mr. Cross) — but 
higher wages and more Saint-Mondays. More inviting homes, 
and better education — these are the true checks on tippling. (True, 
O Mr. Cross ! but please let us have as few publics, and as well 
managed, as may be ; and do what you can to sccun^ that honest 
liq[aor shall be sold in them. We are all against *' robbing a poor 
man of his beer,*' but would rather he were robbed of, than by, the 
drugged decoction of grains of Paradise, CocnUus indt'nts, and salt 
and water, which too often usurps the honoured name of malt-and- 
hoi^juice.) So Mr. Cross proposes to abolish exempted houses, and 
to lix certain closing hours for all— 12'30 a.m. for I^ndon, llNJOr.M. 
for towns of over 10,000 inhabitants, and 11 p.m. for tho rest of the 
country. Night-houses will be under these rules. Beer-houses will 
remain as they are. Any eccentric publican with a taste for being 
healthy, wealthy, and wise, may take out an early-closing licence, 
and shut up and go to bed an hour before his neiffhbours. (Wo 
don't envy that early pearl his life among his neighoourin^ night- 
owls.) Then Mr. Cross clips the Magistrate's claws. He is not to 
be bound to endorse the licence on a lirst conviction, nor to put the 
house under Bobby. And muxzles our friend Robertulus. The 
Police powers of entry under the present Act are suspended, and the 
Force may only enter to keep order. The Adulteration Clauses are 
repealed, and Publicans wul be left to the ordinary^ law on tho 
BUDject. Mr, Cross wound up by professing his desire to supply 
the real wants of his friends the Publio, and to induce resi>ectaDle 
I)ersons to follow the calling of his friend— he hoped he might be 
allowed to oall him his valuMl and valuable friend BcNO. 

When Mr. Cross gracefully subsided, there rose a buxz of contra- 
diotoiT comment Messrs. Mellt and Pease wouldn't give Bung 
even bnlf-an-hour's law. Mr. IIathbone and Sir H. JonNsroNK 
regaided the Bill as a step in the wrong direction. Sir W. John- 
BTOlTE didn't see why the nouse of Bkke should be worse treated 
than the house of Gur ; and Mr. Talbot and Mr. Gk)Li)NET, gene- 
rally approving, were for closing at ten in towns under^20()0. 

Sir W. Lawsox gave the House a bit of his teetotal mind— hot. 
So Conservative reaction means half-an-hour's more boozing! 
What Mr, Punch thinks Bung will think, and, indeed, what he 
thinks himself, will be seen in his Cartoon. If Grandmother 
Bruce upset the coach, is GKANDMOTnER Cuoss doing so very much 
to keep it on its wheels ? And for the life of him Punch can't see 
why Bung should have half-an-hour more night-life allowed him in 
London, than in Leeds and Birmingham, Manchester and Liverpool. 

Tuesday,— hi. the Lords we learnt with pleasure that the 
Ashantee lioot is to be treated as prize. A little bit of butter on 
the common men's bread will make the handsome spread on Sir 
Garnet's big slice taste all the sweeter to his soldierly lips. 

The Gold Coast Funds are to be drawn on for some compensation 
to Captain Glover and his Of&oers. Britannia would not have 
minded putting her hand in her pocket for them too, as well as Sir 

The Government has no intention (the Duie of Richmond told 
Lord Sidmouth) of altering the Education Act, "with a view to 
facilitate a return to the voluntary system in rural districts 
where the School Board system had failed." ... in other words, to 
set the National School Committee up again, and put the School 
Board Committee down. Mr. Disraeli is too wise a man to believe 
that the clock can be stopped by putting back the hands of the dial. 

In the Commons, Mr. Blennerhasset moved, and moved very 
cleverly, the Purchase of Irish Railways by the State. Unfortunately 
his argument in favour of the purchase of Railways generally is all 
against the purchase of Irish Railways in imrticular. They don*t 
pay because there is not trade and traffic enough, and State pur- 
chase can't make that. But their transfer to the State would create 
a delightful batch of berths for gentlemen of limited income, with 
* ' frinoB " at head-quarters. Of course Mr. Blennerhasset scorned 
the idea of suinf^ ** in forni4 pauperis,** Whenever did an Irishman 
so sue? Bedad, if he hadn't a rap in his pocket, he* d talk as if he'd 
the Bank at his back. Is it "pay ? " Sure we don't want England's 
dirty money. Ould Ireland 'if be ready to stand all tho risk, and 
every shilling of the cost. — How ?— Why, out of her own resoorces. 
Is it *'loss"'r' Divil a loss in it at all, at all. Look at Belgium. 
Sure, State Railways pay there ; and why not in Ould Ireland ? 

Mr. Goldsmtd— ah, bad cess to him for a Jew !— moved an amend- 
ment, that the purchase wouldn't pay, tcould breed jobs, and bother 
Parliament. Of course if the State oought the Irish lines, it must 
bny^ the English and Scotch. That would add a thousand 
millions— stop ; let Punch try if he can put it down in cypher— 
£1,000,000,000. Therol cyphered in an instant! Doesn't it look 
impoHnff?— add a thousand millions (vide figures above) to the 
National Debt, and bring us in annually four milliona— on tho I 

wrong side. Fancy Grovemment working all the Railways! 
Clapham Junction would be clearness and order compared with it ! 
Think of Bradshaw in the shape of a monthly blue-book ! That 
u?ould be confusion worse confounded. Then the 250,000 Railway 
Servants, chosen by competitive examination, to be cut down from 
time to time, under Treasury Minute, by some Bob Lowe of the 
period, and the collieries, and steamers, and canals, and hotels 
Government would have to buy! Even Punches mighty mind 
staggers under the idea ! 

The Collective Wisdom of England followed Goldsmip, but the 
voice of Ireland was for Blennerhasset. 

Sir Michael Beach, on behalf of Government, repudiated a 
purchase, which would mean ten or iifteen per cent, rise in the 
market price of shares. How was that to be made up out of traffic 
that didn't i)ay as it was y Then the patronage — and in Ireland, 
too ! Poor Sib Michael, no doubt, saw in spirit all the genteel 
inpeouniosity of Erin, patiiUe recubam suh teamine Fagiy and felt that 
no conceivable patulousness would be broad enough. He wondered 
Home-Rulers should suggest 'a giorantic measure of centraUsation 
to take Irish Railways out of Irish nands. O, bother! sure wouldn't 
it rise the price o' shares, and be an illtp^ant thing for the countfarv 
entirely! Wouldn't it be Ireland for the Irish, and Englian 
salaries into the bargain ? 

But two Irish voices were uplifted in a nobler strain. Why is 
there no Ossian to sing the lament of Conollt, the tme son of 
Erin, '* blushing for a gigantic Job." and the war-song of the 
O'GoRMAN, descendant of a hundred chieftains, as he railed the 
shout of " H . . . or Connanght," and was reproved by the Spkaksr, 
and told the House, in trumpet-tones, how we Irish Railways that 
paid were Railways held by Irish shareholders, and managed by 
Irish Directors, and how the dirtv, shabby, bankrupt conoemi were 
those in which the base Saxon neld the ihaiea, and plimdthered 
and blundthered in the direction I ^ 

There was a hitch about the division ; shoold it be on Amendment 
or Resolution ? Ultimately a division was taken on both ; the 
Resolution was negatived by 241 to 50 ; then the Amendment carried 
by 2.35 to 59. Apparently the House wished to emphasise its ** No." 

Wednesday, — Colonel Hogo set a hornet's nest buzzing and 
sting-sharpening, by moving the Second Reading of his Metropoli- 
tan Buildings Bill, empowering the Metropolitan Board of Works 
to regulate street-plans, buildings, noxious trades, &c. : t.^., to tread 
on the toes of Vested Right, whenever they are found trespassing 
on the public convenience. Vested Right won't have its toes trodden 
on bv Hoao or Bull either, and showed its teeth through the 
moutns of Messrs. A. B. Hope, Samuda, Baillik-Cochrane, Nor- 
wood, Watney, Kay-Shuttlewortu, Stevenson, and KuTNaird. 
But that was all bark. Vested Right keeps its bite for the Select 
Committee which Mr. Cross promises. It Vested Riffht doesn't 
gnaw the heart out of Colonel Hogg's Bill, Punch wul own that 
the gallant soldier can light to some purpose. But what a Hogg- 
bait we shall have ! 

Then foUowed debate on the Second Reading of Mr. M'Laoan's 
Game Bill for Scotland. Another cose of ** questio t&rato," between 
manv men and many minds : no agreement as to principles, and 
much contradiction of interests. The Bill would take hares and 
rabbits out of the Game-pale, give the property in game to tenants, 
barring contract to the contrary, and transfer Game Law cases from 
the Magistrate to the Sheriff. 

Government, per Cross, objected to the Bill that it would settle 
nothing, and unsettle everything. As nobody seemed much to like 
it, the Bill was burked by 192 to 127. May Punch remind Scotch 
tenant (and other) farmers, of the old story of the B-flats in the inn- 
bed that would have lifted the sleeping traveller bodily on to the 
door, had they but been of a mind ? 

Thursday. ^The Lords took up (by Lord Carltngfori)), and then 
dropped, the County Rate Guarantee to Irish Railways. Apparently 
the subject is, more HibemicOy of the hot-potato kind. 

In the Commons, in Committee of Supply on the Naval Estimates, 
CniLDERS— no longer "flying," but "lighting" Childers— had it 
out with Ward Hunt. 

It was his lirst chance, he explained, of exhibiting his command 
of tho noble art of self-defence, since his health broke down four 
years since. He proved— by his own figures— that the late Govern- 
ment had saved nine millions in seven years, and vindicated— tri- 
umphantly, till next confutation — the Childerian consolidaticnas, 
re-organisations, re-arrangements, overhaulings, and turnings upside 
down, in Admiralty, Dockyards, Purchase and Store Deputments, 
Foreign Squadrons, Coast-Guard, and Retired List ; pitched into 
Mr. Hunt for bringing out a Naval Bogy to frighten John Btnx ; 
proved that we were more than a match at sea for France, the 
United States, Germany and Italy together: that if we were at 
war with any three of the strongest of tnem together, we could hold 
our own at once in the Channel, the Mediterranean, tne Atlantic and 
Pacific; that in six months we should have swept the seas of our en 
mies' commerce— in twelve should have sole command of the ocean- 
with not a war-flag flying all the world over but the Union Jack, 



[Mat D» 1874. 







■ /-^^ 









r <sy^^'i/Hi^^ 


Ethel •* Ani>, MJLKifA^ do you know as w» wkrk Coming along w« saw a horrid, hourid Woman with a red, strifid 


Btatricc {who always looks on the htst tide of Qdngs). ** Pjirhaps it was onlt Cabtor Oil^ after all I ** 

Zounds ! We haye read nothing like Childbbs flinoe Bobadil*a : — 

" We twenty would come into the fields the tenth of March, or ther^iibout«^ 
and wc would challenze twenty of the enemj. They could not in their 
honour refuse us. Well, we would kill them : chullenge twt-nty nior*^ kill 
them ; twenty more, kOl thcra too f » . » and thus would we kill every man 
hia twenty a day ... till in two hundred days we hud killed them all up by 
computiition ! " 

Ma. Egeeton denied any intention of brin^^out an Admiralty 
B<>i?y» and entirely agreed with Me. Wabd HinfT's statomenta. 
{What else is Mr. Eoertow there for ?) 

Lord Eslii^'gton would be glad to know if Mr. Goschen's naval 
advisers had represented to him tlie inefficiency of our Iron-clad 
Heet, as a Pall Mall para^aph had told us. 

Mb. Brassey was practical and oonciiiatnryi Mr, Bentinck dam* 
natory and dissatisfied, both as usual* Mr. Shaw Le Fevre put 
a few ei-offioial amleur-de-rose touches on the late Kaval 
Administration. Mr. Ward HuyT persisted he hadn't brought out 
a Bogy, but had spoken* even to the words, what his oaval advisers 
put into his moutn. The real friend of the Kavy had been Short. 
not Codlin; Corrt, not CniLDEHJ^— all the late Board had done had 
been gradually to spend more and more, and to build leas and less* 
Mr* Goschex repeated ht,s perfectly fair and final facer—*' If irour 
supplementary estimate is so small, how can our short-comings 
have been so great P He hoped bygones would be bygones, and 
that all would work together to establish, not only the reputatioUf 
but the efficiency of the Navy." 

3Ir. Punch must say that tor candour, public spirit, good humour, 
and good sensei nobody comes out of this Admiralty mess so well as 
Mr. Goschen. 

JWV/ay.— The liords talked about Schools— the Commons about 
Irish Fisheries. Of course they want ** stimulating," that is, public 
money, and Mr. Stnan moy^ a Resolution to support any well ooa- 
tidered measure for admiuistering stimulants to this exhausted 
Irish industry. Sra M, Beach thought the Irish Renroductive 
Loan Fund might be drawn on for small loans. But Mr. Butt 
would prefer £20,000 down* Lord Hartit^gton thought that 

might do sometMng ; and Mb« Butt, teeing his chance, snatched & 
division, and beat the Government by 95 to 93. First blood for 
Mr. Butt ; and great excitement. 

Sm John Litrbock moved to carry school-teaching bey ' 
narrow region of the three R's **iuto the wide-spread d" 
extras," Lord Sand on promised a move^cautious, of ooiirse, una 
in due time— in that direction. 

Then the House and the Home-Rulers had a row over the F^ of 
Jr«/(i?i(/— appropriate ensign for a shindy. 

The Flag has published sedition, which Sir M* Be,vch proved hf 
reading some of it, and has only been *' warned,** not suppressecL 
*' Hhamefol ! " said Sir P. O^Bhien. ** 8tupid I " argued Mr. Burr. 
Proceeding against such writings only makes martyrs of the 
writers* The Irish Attoilney-Genebal showed how 'tis all in the 
interests of the daoent papers that we come down on the blackguard 

Mr. Diobv gave it them all round (like the man at Bonnyhrook 
Fair, who first counted the heads under the canvas of a tent, and 
then came down on evenr head in the row, imi>artially, witii hii 
shillelagh), pitching into Government and also into ** the miserable 
scribblers of a venal Press." Miu Henry and Mr. McKenna ful- 
lowed suit against Government, iLa. Gregory against the "vei 
seribblers," and the row ended, as Irish rows usually do, wit] 
the smallest practical result* 

Curious Ichthyologieal Observation. 

"AauARTUs" writes to call attention, as a striking inatanee ofl 
natural adaptation, to the decided tendency of the *^ loose fish'^ 
(PwcM laxtu) to get tight. No doubt the creature has an tnstiiiolr 
sense of its own looseness, and strives thus to remedy it* 


Akended Proverb— for thk Seasoit. [By a Belgravian Doieagtr.^ 

—Marriages are made in— London. 





I Intense Btlighi of the ifood liUie Ftlier. 






naaoBD by tiio ary of "Mad 
Dof ! " a knft WQlf-do« xszl 
a-muek tlia oih&t d»T m 
JSewinirton Cmuwwityj ** leap- 
ing and biting in all direo- 
tiona,** Instantly " a g^Mwl 
rtiah -nTLs mode hot the ahop 
door*." Thua hohub peraons 
** esQUMd from tba inniriatod 
hoand; ** but many wbo did 
not escape ''were more or le«i 
aewt^ly bitten." The Fast 
oontmnes : — 

" Polke-Oonitablo Jobm Webb, 31 S M^ wtiing tbat pnmipt aetlmi ww 
QOOMttr^t diQW hit itoflT, aud etartid in purniit put the Elepbiint and Cactlo, 
but, fBttjjog windedi took a oab, and inia driirmi after the mAddGaed bnito, 
who Bad now maimed half-a-dozoDjanajUf but ho wai unable to get ahe^d 
nutil ptism; Ohatj Street in the Wsl worth BMd, a ftill mil« and a quarter 
from the itartinf-pomt. The momnit he pawod the do; he jumped from the 
box of iKe rab, ana gaTo the beaat a tnmendoiu blow ncrow the toLni ; but it 
WQuId have fared badlr with the oonatable erea th«n, had it not bei^ tbat 
liiu Bicowk's Iromnongory store waa oloee at hand, for the animal made a 
fvah against thd «»niitabie, who had juit time to faiaa a coal-hammer which 
stood outfide the Bhop, and give the dog a finiahing blow." 

Well done, brave Bobdt, adroit as braye. The number of Polioo- 
Constable Joms Webb, 318, M, ahanld be taken. If the focta 
nlated in the Morning Post may be taken to be faotat at least 
esientiallv, Polioeman WuBBt oi the nmnber and letter above- 
mantionea adroitly destroyed a mad doff at the imminent risk of 
hydrophobia. Has not the Victoria Croea been won by distinguished 
^ulantry, but gallantry not more worthy of distinction thaii thie ? 
<^oILirinf a mad dog is a eerioua bufiinesa. We would snggeit, as a 
neat and appropxiate reward, a Civic wreath, in the dimpe ul a dog- 
collar, inacnbed ** Ob cives servatos,*^ 


A raioTY thing the Metropolitan Board of Works wanted to do i 
-At the inFtanci" of that eoctety of aidiles, a f^lause inserted in the 
3fetropolitan Buildings and Management Bill propoeed to make it 
^«aii offence, unleaB the consent of the Metropolitan Board oi Works 
^onld have been iirat obtained, to place any advertisement on any 
iDuiiding or structure^ excepting an announcement referring to the 
Ibuginess of the occupier of the premifies. This provision, if enacted 
^nd enforoed| would nave despoued the Metropolis of some of its moat 
Ornamental leatnreA, namely, the beautifnl posters plaoardfd on 
^fm accessible hoardins^, and the sides ana fronts of many of 
'^kb lunues, exhibiting all possible yarietiea of charming oontmts 
^^f oolouT and eongruities of design. What a refreshing change is 
^mented to the eye of the Excursionist^ sated with gazing on the 
^md green, or mixed gieeot yeUnw and white, of the iields, by 
]the oombinationa of hue and form so different feom anything in 
-^'atuie which he encounters in the advertisements adorniog every 
"^^WtynrtAlioni aad the interior of many even first-class carriages. 
^eriiapt iba MetropuUtan Board of Works would like to abolish 
t;bc*G splendid embelUahinents too. Of oourse a House the ma»jority 
^f whose Mc^mbers have an eye aa wall to Beauty as to BustneBs, 
{^uaad to entertain a uroijoaal oaually ix^unous to both : and per- 
I one of tbetn will move a ouiaie empowering bill-stiokera, in 
laoa qI any Board, or anybody, to improve the principal Statnes, 

Monuments, and Public Buildings of London by covering them all 
over with brilliant Advertisements, so as to afford the mind intel- 
lectual pleastire whilst they regale the sight. 


Mtt, PUKCH, 

Did you, Sir, ever see an old, or, rather, a very old Railway 
Servant, more particularly a Ouard ? I never did ; ana, I venture to 
say, neither have you, nor any of your numerous readers. What 
becomes of them ? This is the mystery which has long oppressed 
me. I had often inquired of Hailway Direotors and liailwsiy 
Monagersi and was always met by evasive replies. I intiuired of the 
men themselves, and have hitherto been met ^vith evasion ; but 
their nervous start at the question showed something lay hidden, 
which they were unwilling or afraid to divulge* At length* yester- 
day, I found one who, under a solemn pledge of secrosy as Uy Ms 
name and residence, revealBd the startling secret. 

Every Railway Servant, whan he enters upon hia employment, 
signs an agreement that he will— provided that he arrives al sixty 
years of age — allow himself to be converted, by some prooass or 
other, the sooret of which is in the Manager^s hanas, into BuW^rs ! 

When he told me, my blood curdled in my veins, and 1 ccjuld only 
atara my informant in the faoe. Upon the whole, he took it quietl v, 
and, being a bit of a wag, sti^giated that this was the origin of tbe 
expression *^ Old Buffer, ilnt applied to some one, who had not 
duly administered a tij), bv a railway ofBciaL This led him further 
to remark, that it was in aeath as in life— you have to lubricate the 
Qomage buffers to ensure easy motion, and you have to grease the 
palms of the buffew in prospeetivo to secure ready service — and f he 
added after a pause) infonnatum. I understood the hint. He 
fumiahcd me with statistics, showing how few reached to sixty—if 
I reeoUect rightly, not five in a hundred ; and the reasons he assigned 
wure— (1) a oarelessneas of life, engendered through their knowled^ 
of what would befalthem should tnay reach that age : (2) the small 
pajr, which killed the men off through starvation ; (3} long hours, 
wmoih induced diMith either from natural causes or by accident. He 
was ooBBOientious enough to say the last was the worst, as in this 
oaae paasengers generally were involved. 

I Sad some thoughte of communicating this to Mb^ Bass, whoee 
efforts on behalf of Railway Servants are weU. known ; and who^ic 
Bill against Or|^an-grinders, fitly named by you *\BAaB on Barrels/* 
has ^mped him as a practical legriala^; while his munificent 
gift of a church to Burton-on-Trent leada one to believe there was 
something in the Publicans' late election- cry of " Beer and Bible " 
— but I refrained, although it would have been better had this growl 
had all the advantage of a deep baas instead cl trusting to its and 
your own xwroB. 


{A Government Que&tioiiL) 

Totrit gratitude for pelf and place, 
From vaiuiuished Liberals wrung, 

Accords some grace to Bonifack— 
We will not call Mm Bung. 

Whereas, at midnight's witching hour, 

The clock struck BnucE before, 
'Twill not strike Cross, now you 're in power, 

Till thirty minutes more. 

But whieh would customera incline 

To think the greater boon. 
That, or extended time to dine 

On Sunday afternoon ? 

In laws to limit quenching thirst 

Perhaps the better plan 
Were to regard the Public first. 

And then the Publican. 


If the Archiepiscopal Clergy Regulation Bill becomes law, it will 
prevent Ritualists from burning moense any more, and thus from 
moenaing not only one another, but also their Protestant neighbours. 


Whek the gW^ on china- ware cracks, it is said teohnioally to be 
*^ m^o^ed.^' But what is the craze in old ohino, or the oraoka either, 
to those of the people who coUoct it I 







[May 9, 1874, 






^^B made 


Book the Second. 

The ThimhU'rigged Vessel aff the Needles. 

IX* — Where are you nmo f 

A FEW minutes later the Captain** pi> had been brought ent. 

BoiuirLOT explained the noutieol terms for thi? g^i^, Tliey were 
fwo ebilling's tor the tirfct 
liour» eijfhteenpence for 
the eeeond. Naturally tlie 
Old Man began with the 

The Captain's gig, once 
hiredy was immediately 
lowered. Thia did not 
alter the price. It ^as a 
harg^ain. An ajyi-eement. 
There are certain provi- 
niona in every abetment* 
Tlieee were placed in the 
frig. They were, a dozen 
of champagne, tr^s sec^ a 
Straflbourg pie, a WeUh 
rabbit, a raanb«rry and 
ourrant tart, tnree tins of 
Australian meat, a rcfri- 
f^erator, a cut off the joint, 
and a sansage-maokine. 

They calculated iiix>n 
reaching the Bhore in one 

Le BfirN, always a 
scoffer, looked over the 
side of the vessel » and 
sneered this farewell to 
the boat — 

**The night is dark for 
the gig. Take my gig- 
lamps. '* 

And he threw his gpec- 
tades at the Old Man in 
the stem. Till now the 
Old ^ Man had been the 
DiatingTiished Passenger ; 
now, out of the light, he 
(ymld no longer be distin- 
guished. In the darkness 
a beggar is as good as a 

e start was quickly 
e. The boat got weU 
away from the yessel. The 
Old Man in the stern, the 
Sailor J who had volun- 
teered, in the bow. There 

was no luggage in the bow : it was merely a bow without a trunk. 
In the stem the Old Man lay asleep on his chest. 

The oartman obeyed his Captain's order, who had said, ** The 
afaortest and the cheapest ront«.^' 

He rowed in the direction of the Bine Rocks. 

Suddenly, atnid the wide and turbulent silence of the roaring sea. 
arose the blast of the speaking- trumpt^t, the boom of the drum, and 
the hong of the stricken gong. 

It was the vmce of CoMirAirDEB Jobajhtes defying the enemy : 
" Walk up ] Walk up ! Just a-goin' to begin." 

The troops on board were the Mounted Marines, They were 
divided into Officers and Sub-Marines, 

They nailed the White Feather to the Mast, 

Then a din like the peeling of three hundred oranges burst over 
the depths of the sea^ 

Only those who have peeled three hundred oranges can know what 
this means. 

The two men in the Little boat kept silence. This arose from their 
not speaking. 

Near the Blue Rocks are the Trappet. From the Trappes escape 
is difhcult. 

The Boat was a mere cockle-leaky in a high tea. 

The Sailor spoke : 

" Do you know where we are now F " 

The Old Man replied, 

'* I can tell exactly by my magnificent compaaa**' 

He opened his chesti and produced some notes. 

He said, 

** This is the upper sea. A little lower down is a flat. We oan 
land there." 

Day appeared. Without Maettn. 

The two pat in the boat. A white, and. apparently, a black man. 
The latter conld have explained this had he been willing. He could 
have said, ** It is necessary I should be kept dark." 

He did not say it, however. The silence remained unbroken. A 
tilencc once broken cannot be mended. 

Thf Snilor broke it. 

ilu liolttd fixf^rlly at the Man in the stem* and said, 

'*I am the brother of 

him yon ordered to be 
pitched over." 



I. — Thtt Speech and the 
The Old Man alowly 
raised his head. 

He who had spoken was 
a man about forty. His 
tone was soft. Judging 
from this latter, ho was 
more piano than lortT* 

In ms belt were pistols, 
knives, and daggera. He 
wore a frock, an open col- 
lar, a knotted tie, a small 
jacket, huge boots, and a 
cap. He had black ring- 
lets, and a high oolour: 
but for this he would 
have been plain. Every 
man has his |)rice : his was 
a penny plain, and two- 
pence coloured. Now he 
was twopence. 

The other did not know 

•*Who cornea tbero?" 
asked the Stem Paasenger. 
** A Grenadier.'* 
••What do you want?'* 
** A pot of beer." 
"Why?" asked the Old 

The Sailor was puxxled 
for an instant by the ques- 
tion. Then he answered, 
•* My brother's name 
was Pott." 
*• WeU.'» 

*• I mean to malte yon 
die o'laughin'.'* 

The situation was tick- 
The Bailor began to sharpen his wits* The Stem Passenger re- 
garded him unmoved, curiotudy. 
The Old Man stood up in the boat. 
*• You would pot me p" said he, 
** Like a hardy annual." 
*' Your name f " 

** GuitLAcrjLE TALLLEtTE. My brother took Pott for tin." 
** He was fortunate." 

** Yes. Pott-lucky. Now he has cut his lucky. But yon do not 
want to know all this in order to be killed by me.** 

The Pause ngcr drew himself up. He was a draughtsman. It iTii 
as easy for him to draw himseli up as to take some one else down* 
This was what he had set himseU to do. 
*• You know your Catechism ? " he asked. 
** M. or N., as the case may be," replied the SoOor. He pointed • 
remark at the Stern Passenger. Then he resumed : " It is all said* 
I give you one minute, Mister Erij^timotstrai.." 
* why do you call me Mister KRisxiMiNSTRiJ. ?** 
** Because you are a Eristiminstral. That is plain enough. I 
have never seen one, but I have heard of them." ^ , 

•* II one had been a Knstmiinstralf and was no Moore a Kristi-* 





Strmi Btnf, '* *Fivb 'Ukueiid Lives Lost 1 1 ! ' ' Eke 'a A A*p'nt I 
What a Sell I 'Asu it all! it's in CAumttsiAt** 

Ulloa } 


^**Tins SPEAKim. — I may Btate th&t it hai tomctimM Xi^- 
pciii<>d tbrtt the Hooee hm ncgatiTed the proposal thjit the woitU 
prapoiied to Ihv adiled should fitand port of the question, but the 
9mi, of that rote U that iin entty ii made upon our joumitltt 
ihut tiitf word ' that * Ib the only word which remaiiis.'* 

Historic Purl^ . i v That! 

Of manv a li< lat- 

-itiid^- iA\ 

How in* » ihe att- 

-itude ui . - , , . ^ V 

Upon the House^B jourmd ! 

Tholrij^li " 


Is ptrieot 

1 atorm; 
I s wax wctrsi ; 

iir sent by Heaven, 

O'OoRiTAN comes, the foe to vex, 
And sayB he 100^*^8 to change his aex. 

And SuddrTllv tu di>TL uu^ht 

LeftofCAsSA It, 

Then on Atlai, ioat 

In search oi " 11 — em— or ConBaught \ ' 

Ye Orators of Erin, spare 

Our English tongue ! Suoh w«&r and tear 

Tis hopeleaa of sustaining : 
For wlum dies out the fluent roar, 
The Spkakkh vows there's nothing more 

Than one small Thai reoudniog. 


Ijf a letter written to the Ttmv^ a prentleman, under 
the si^ature of ** R. C. B. C./^ announet^a that he has 
established in Ireland an Irish School of Cookerv. (hie 
Irish dish ehoiild be tabooed in that school. There can 
be DO need of inBtruction how to make an Irish Stew, 
ootLsidermR that EEgland*8 cooks have taught nothing 
else ainoe Sthongiiow'b day : and the Irifihi by this timej 
are perfect masters of the prooew. 

Title foe a Dabwdtian Book op Tbatki-— From the 
Isle of Dogs to the Isle of Man. 

minstral, but eame out on a tour to amuae, delight, and instruct, 
what then?'' 

The Sailor bent hie head in thought. The Stem Paaaenger laid 
down his banjo, and drew on hiR gloves. He fixed his Imt tirmly 
on hia head* Then he waved aloft his umbrella. 

** What then ? " pursued the Dark and dignified Pasaenger, who 
had been hitherto known as Massabones. * Is it because You do 
not use the Archimedean Lawn Mower that none other is genuine 
and strikes on its own box "r Ko. WiU You take upon yourself to 
asi^rt that the Waxworks at Madake Tussafd's could ever be 
melted by a mere tale of woe, even though a tax were taken off 
horses, on the removal of the statue in Leioeater Square, and a 
man of Straw were put at Rugby instead of a Haymak? No. 
Never! Shall it be said by those who can read, write, and 
.sT)eak it, but can't sing it, that the three years' system is to be 
abolifthed in the Army, and the best price given for gents' cast-off 
clothes ? And, if so, whj^ ? or, if not, why not ? And, should it be 
8o» who will haTe caused it ? Thou art the cause of this anguish, 
my mother. But can You say it is so ? No. Then whose fault is 
it that carpets are beaten, that hair falls off in the presence of 
PrLVERMACiOTi's pninless dentistry, that Linoleum is the best 
spring medicine, that i^jerambulators ore doubled up, that there are 
no more pills or other drugs^ that you may go for miles along the 
Lnrxa and get back to Moses in the Minories. where baltoeas, 
grernees, and deficiency of liair, are guaninteea at twenty-three 
shiuiugs a dozen, and Time, Labour, and half your fuel are saved 
by those who are ^^Tlling and ready to dwell in a Paradisaical 
Panklibanon, on the golden-grained shores of the Revalenta 
Arabica, with youth at the prow and Pltmsoll at the helm, and the 
c€frt.ainty that the duty on Sugar will make Convocation dance the 
detijr /o>i<7*, and inti^rfere with the sale of ApoUinaris Water in the 
progreM uf the New Law Courts ? Go on ! Where are we now P 
That 'a what 'a the matter/' 

The Old Man, erect and firm in the boat, while the sea raged 
mountains high, uttered these words in a Toice louder than the 
noise of the waves, while he shook his umbrella aloft, and brought 
it down sharply on the seat before him. With it he, too, in his 
energy^ fell. His hat rolled on the planks, but he quiuklv recovertd 
himself, and then regained his legs. To have lost his legs at sea 
would have caused him delay and trouble. The Ocean is trackless, 
and legs once lost are gone, over the horizon, away, it may be, into 
the Offing Asylum, for ever. 

The Sailor*s hair had suddenly grown white. He trembled. 

He clasped bis hands together, and murmured, *' Angcore, X says, 

Then he threw himsdf on Kis knees. 

*' My brother, the Cook, was wrong. I am another. It's a wav 
we have in the Navy, We will not go home till morning. Till 
daylight does appear. Command. I obey ! ** 

I forgiye you,*' said the Distinguished Passenger in the stern. 
{Tit be continued.) 


After a careful exammation of the remarkable gold ornaments 
brought from Ashantee, the connoisseurs seem to be of opinion that 
the natives knew but little of the art of soldering. Pernajw it was 
as well that they were not also better acquainted with another art — 
that of soldiering. 


The Publicans will never be fully satisfied with any measure but 
one of their own. 



[May 9, 1874. 





FirttCollur. ** Hkrk co^ts i^ new Gajcgxb, Bill. Hast thoo hbakd, h« doesk*? Drikk, nub PoQ-7EiaHT, ah* oom to 
Chc'oh ? Lut'b Smash *rM ! '* 

Second Collkr. " Na-at, ka-ay* Lad, wr'vk comtN Shampane, ah* &id«s FixsT^CLASfi; lit 'a be GBK*Ll¥Sir, »0T LOIKB thjem 



**ARCHnRAcoN Denison pr*^jient d f^cbedulea ol ffrai'amina complaining 
of the BisuDj* OF Hath and wells lor revoking tiie Cunitea licence, and for 
rfifuiing to tiecnj*e auolher to prit ^t i ordtm/* 

Oun earnest ArchdeacoUt 
Your cause you will weaken 
By plaguing the Bishop of Bath 
Ajtd Wells— 
AUhoiij^li he *a obdurate 
To juu and yaur Curate* 
let in tlie Church's safe path 
He dwells. 

Geoeor A>THONr Dejstsok 
Shall have PuticfCs benison 
If for warfare he '11 cotton to peace. 
And try 
To make charities cluster 
Kound life's autumn luatre. 
Why should not these quarrelfl all cease ? 
Ah, why ? 

Why should you not fashion 
Restraints on your nasbiou: 
And Church shibbolelbs all shout 
Why not drop scorn and scoff too, 
Leare your turn for taunt oil too, 
Though known as Archdeacon £o stout, 
Of Tannt-on ? 

Paper Knife (F<m' Artints' r'«^.)— The article which cuts up half 
your Academy picture, and picks holes in the rest. 


We have too ^ood grounds for supposing that there is an African 
as well as an Asiatic White Elephant. It ib weU known that White 
Elephants exist in Sianit and that, when the King of that oountry 
wisnes to ruin anv principal |>er9on whom he has a grudge ain^inst, 
he is acoustomed to »end him one of those animals, which the 
unhappy man is obliged to nmintain, and hj which oe toon gcrtt 
eaten out of house and home. There is every reason to apprrefaend 
that we shall discover a White Elephant in Elmina on the Gold 
Coast, of which we have obtained possession from the Dutch, thu« 
letting ourselves in f^r the Ashautee War, and a oostly Protectorate. 

Poetry for Schoolboys, 

Little TosiMr Tender, who received a flogging the week be£ur« 
his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those felt by thu 
poet, when he penned the touching line — 

** My grief Eel onward, and my joy behind.** 

ShipB not Shadows. 

It appears that the nation has lately been soared by tome exag- 
geratiiin of talk about Phantom Ships. The Phantom Ship w«a t 
Flying Dutchman ; and there is not one flying Englishman on the 
sea — though there i$ a Flying Squadron. 

A Brilliant Display. 

A CONTEMPORARY announces that the Coniervative party at 
Wind^-r ^ • ^4 to celebrate the failure of the attempt to UBseat 
Mb. 1 i?*-GAitDNBB, M*P., with a banquet and fireworkv 

The 111 . may be expected to include election sqtiibfe- 


mm%9l \iT JoM^h RniUi. or No. 14. Holfoid Sciur*. tn tta« rsriAb of St, Jui«i, Qvrii* nwvn* In Itaa Covitly of MiddJnm. «t th* Prutivt omcmmt Xcwi. Bt»S»oT. Afvrw. A Oft., 

0Um€, la M# Frmaaet 9i WJuMMan.ln Ite Qltf of Londoe. amd rnVOabM tor ftla at »9, m. FtMl Btn«c, la bh« FwM «r Si. BilSi, Qtr o( LMdOtt^-«4Tvm949 < V«7 Vt Ktlk 

Mat 16, 1874.] 





of the growth of the Ashantt-»e oaarrel than Joifi^ Bull 
haa yet had. It seems pretty clear the row oouldn^t be 
helped. Coffee thought h© was more than a match 
for n8| and had made up Ms mind t^ trial by battle, and 
only used the Elmina buainesa as a peg- to hang his black 
glove on, 

JSothing came of the night's /jfr'-- ^"'* ^^ fl-iw..i,»ii^ 
ment» and an assurance that < rly 

made up its large mind what t<3 md 

will let us know the result "before the groooa eoatter 
the House, ^' 

Tuesday, --The Lords reallv did a stroke of business 
on the Lands Transfer Bill : though they dnl adjourn at 
half -past seven. 

Snt G. Bo\rrER asked a question, and (rot hia answer. 


\»T and furious 
roai-ed the storm 
without, but 
within the courts 
of Conaervative 
Castle, all was, 
or at least seem- 
ed* serene. 

'* * Watchman, 
what of the 
night?* Such was 
the question 
wliich, roused 
from the repose 
bedtting his good 
grey head * by 
muffled murmurs^ 
as of mustering 
hosts/ the an- 
cient, but still fiery Lord Kusskll addressed to stalwart Lord Dekbt, warder 
on the outer ward of the Castle, on the night of the ftn/rih qf May^ 18T4. 

** * I try to peer into the dark/ quoth, the old Oa'ptain, 'but 1 see nothing • 
only 1 can hear Fi-ance grimly grinding her teeth and her weapons ; the clang oi 
Germany's armour, as^ season of rest though it be^ she plies her sword and buckler 
jraetice : the muffled tramp of Riisiiia, drawing slowly, but surely, nearer 
mad nearer our Eastern borders - Austria shifting uneasiljr, between Germany's 
swwd-ejcercise and the onward drag of the Russian glacier, * Ohne kttst, ohne 
ra$tJ And the lesser Powers— hark, how their teeth chatter, for all their 
guArant«4Mi I ' 

** * I he«tr all you heari my Lord^* an;swfTed the Warder, * but I see and know 
ODihini^. I f5an out keep a good look-out, and pass the ** All's well I" from 
time to time* Meanwhile, we must tniftt In Providence, and keep our powder 
what there ia of it,' he added, with a shrug. 
And so they parted— the Warner and the Warder ! " 

The HhndwoTTM : a Bomance of History, ChapUr la$i hut one. 
LoBA RussBLL was going to have asked a question about UNrLf: 8am ^s refusal 
ol mnpeniation to Canadians for Fenian-i'aid Iussgb, but forbore, £nding U. 8. 
haa given no directions for answering either questions or demands. Jvrt 
peamnt, Loan Kussell lifts the one hand absolutely olean of the dirt of the 
Washington Trent- i-r -^ded into humble-pie at Geneva for Jonir Bail's 
eAting), to arraitr \-«rnment that negotiated that Treaty as haWng 

** tarnished the naii - _i .unour, lowered the national character, and sacrilioea 
the nattonml intefoit*^^ (Btrong^r language this^ my dear I>ord, than we are in 
the habit of using, iii>w-a-daya, in Peers or Commons either.) 

In the Commons, we had a good deal of confused talk about our White 
Elephant on the Gold Coast. Are we to wash our hands of it as clean as we 
can, or go on r--- •- -, or, if there is a third coiir r -^-^ '' "^ Noh<Kly wishes 
uaio stop* i is feel* wo rairt ^o, f>\( 13 for Crotchet- 

^e, SiK Wii. ^_ ± lu'sox and Bin. I'n n ^it* Lk»s (such as tht^y 

, laid a trade (suoh as it is), txjui uch as never were), with Kikq 

.tfn«, and Kctg Cofpile, and K uoo; and we can*t leave the 

's ooast-clearing,— even though it bo, a good deal (jf it, hiid down 

LQ^fl grave,— to drop back into utter bu^h and harbarism. 

iieHnuiJ.-HtrGESSBir gave a more full, true, and particular account 

Judges all 

of Lords Y 

that is, the 

^ aU. If 

it goose, 

jti cooked by 

Did Mb. Dt^tut! know" that 
wanted Irisl 1 left to ^ 

Yes, Mk. I>i- /know- 

Lords were kit with any Appeal Jiu 
not, the Irish Judges wi**hea that tli 
of England, Sootl^i ' ■ ' ' ' ] 
the same cook anO 

AfR FrsiTii-'t' - ...aumitfff^ <'^ iMiinire 

itit r The 11. lie. 

L<M 1^1, how tht/ < nt, 

in disohiijK^ 'ji it* Kiueiit duties, out of 2<i4 ahi^^ii de- 
tained by it had nronounoed 234 unseaworthy, and of 
twenty-two stoppea for over- loading had lightened every 





SiUiH, and dhut up.) 

The rommittee of Council have lowered the Education 
fltn' ' ' ' ii h little out- door Paupers must jump over 
bt^ L re allowed t^) earn wages. 60, to-night, the 

late L,^..i„ >rs, ItiGHT HoNOtJBABLKS FoRjsrER and Lo\A% 
with KAT-SHTJTTLEwoaTH and Playfmr, &c., had it out 
with Lord 8aj<don, and divided against him 202 to 265. 

Present Committee of Council says Standard live is too 
high for decent national school ehildren— only 372,000 
out of a million and a quarter jximp over ov ^ ' ^ hrd 
three. To keep up the standard means tic 

paupers in school, and out of work till tliu: — .hich 
is absurd. 

** Not BO absurd," say the Educators. It is their only 
chance of getting unpauperised. Our school standards 
are too low as it is. Lowering still further will be fatal 
—the small end of the wedge to split the slowly-growing 
tree of knowledge. And so says Punchy who will fight 
till he drops on this Education line by the side of his 
friend Forstee. Meanwhile, the standard is lowered 
only for this year and the next. We hate lowering 
it at all, in face of the enemy ; but many things may 
happen before 1875, 

ilk. Lowe came out gallantly in his great perform- 
ance of the ** Standard- Bearer," being the first titne, if 
Punch is not mistaken, that tliis distinguished artist 
has favoured us this season. 

We<Inesdat/,—UTL. MuirnELLi moved the Second Read- 
ing of his Amended Factory Act— to raise half* timers' age 
from eight to ten; full-timers from thirteen to fourteen ; 
and reduce working hours, of mill-hands from sixty to 

Mit. MrirnKLLA'a statistics and reasons read strong. 
Question is, hrst, should this be df>neF and, secondly, 
can it be done? Phofesbor Fawcett saya^No*^ to 
the lirat question: but practice and experience are 
against him. It w done now, and done, all agree, to 
the good of all concerned. Can the movement anainst 
hours long for all, and too long for the weak— (women 
and children are both weak, as against men, Professor ; 
and where is an aduit wife's protect ioti aj^aiust her own 
self-sacriheing love, or a brute of a husband?),— be 
carried further without crippling our own pnidiiotion, 
and giving our rivals a dangerous pull of us? Doctors 
diifer* Many masters (in and out of the H^Ui^e) say 
*' No: "most of the men (and still more of the women 


more ^ 

an audacious new 

I.. ,L:putants something 

ration " — a Bill to Hx Factory 

1 irom sir to six, or seven to 

at choice), and eut on Saturdays, »'.^,, ftfty-six 

a week. Half* timers* age to be nine till 1ST' 

and then ten. 







[Mat 16, 1874. 



Daring AacsKr of Beh-Batswaterj the Granite Mountain on the Nokth Side of Kensington Garden's, by a BfiSFScrABLX 
OLD Gkntlemak, assisted by hw Nai'aEWs, distinguished ILemb^bb of thje Alpine Club ( 

The compromise is to be aeoepted* 

Let Punch note that all who spoke on the question were practical 
miU-masters. Mb. Chossliy told how, when a lad of twelve, he 
had heou worked aa a null-hand by his father, from air to eig-ht. 
Mr. Munbella himself has stood at the loom. Bl& Thomas Bazley, 
Mr* Caixender, Mh, Tenant, and Ma, Holms ar« all men of the 
mill ; and yet they differ about the working of theso changes. It 
was just a case for GoYernment to split the difference^ and Cross 
fitrucli in in the right time, with a good aim, and putting his weight 
in the hlow. 

rAwr5t*iy.— 'The Losn Chakceliob eijronnded the oonBtitution 
of the new Court of Final Appeal » which is to be one for England^ 
Scotland and Ireland (see above for the Irish Judges' wish on the 
matter) ; but of this High Court there ia to be a First Division » in- 
cluding the Lord Chancellor* the Chief JuBtioe of the Queen's Bench, 
and the Master of the KoUs, ejr qfftciOf with, two other Judj^es namea 
hy the Crown. The other Judges of Appeal will bit in Divisions of 
not less than three. If the three differ, then there may be rehearing 
before First Division- Lord Cairns hopes thai this reduction 
(with the balance of gain between the reduction of four Irish Judges, 
and the appointment of a new Irish Lord Justice) will save £14,000 
a-year. Lord iSELnoRiJB doubts it. The big-wiga of the Peers, on the 
wholcj approve with qualificationfl j but, oif course, Lord Redisdale 
and Lord Denmak objected to be deprived of their jurisdiction as 
Lords of Appeal. They exercise it so re^arlv and so well ! 

In the Commons there was another SMpbuilding row, got up by 
Bm Jowm Hat— 

*' Fffiuum habet in comu; himc tu Eomane, cAveto "-i^— 

which soon thickened into confusion worse confounded, aa usual. 
Sib WtLLLAM Habcourt contributed aome of his peculiarly pungent 
fiieworka to the amusement of the evening, till we had last week*a 
fight between Mr. Hunt and the critics ot his criticisms all over 
again. Mb. HuTfT takes a Supplementary Estimate of £150,000 to 
replace the **duminiea*' by lorwarding ships now on the stocks 
aiia buildinff some unarmoured small craJFt. Mr. Goscren admits his 
■dogs did grumble , but not ** officially,*' ho says, and therefore 

he gave the PnU Malt the lie the other day for saying they did. The 
nignt wound np with a considerable Irish row, led by Sir Colhah 
0*Logiilen, in which Mr. SpLLiviN distinguished himself — the 
wrong way, over the apix»intment of Jtstice Lawson to try the 
Gal way Borough Election Petition, wlxile one of the Commissionera 
of the Great Seal in Ireland— an office of honour held at pleasure 
of the Crown, and the holder of which cannot (it was argued) csqa- 
stitutionallj try a right to a seat In Parliament. If this he a 
grievance, it seems too ilimsy a one for any but Milesian tetnpeam' 
menta to tnke lire over. The row ended, aa Irish rows usually end, 
** re infecUV* 

Ff^idxij/.—ln the Lords, my Lord Natieh aih) Ettrice tried to lay 
salt on my Lord Debbt's tail, but my Lord Derby would not have 
his tail salted. Here is AUgbamstan (said my Lobd'I^apisb akd 
ErraiCK). Lord Gbaitville last year fixed its northern boundary. 
Do you mean to see that boundary kept against all oomera — in nlam 
English^ if Russia invade Aifghanistan is it to be a ** cutun btUi*^ f 
— (in awkward question to put on the eve of the Czar's friendly 
call.) Lord Dbbby pointed out the inoonvenienoes of anawering 
such a question, and, in fact, declined to answer it, whereupou 
Lord Granville very much applauded him for what he'd done. 
Sufficient for the day is the Indian question thereof. The course of 
events may put it— worse luck— but not Lord Nai»ikb A3<rD ErrwcK. 

Then we tad another queBtion,{and an answer, of which; Pnttrk 
takes a note, short but not sweet. ^* What are altar>cards Y " asked 
Eabl Nelson. ** The small end of the Maas,'^ said the ABcasiaaop 
OF Canterbuby, and showed cards, anything but correct oarda, to 
prove it. 

In the Commons was talk about the writ for Stroud« where the lata 

sitting Members have reason not to bless their d a good- ua tared 

frienda. The writ is to issue. There waa no bribery, only treating, 
and that chiefly with tea and mnffina I Ignominious ! 

Mb. Kay-Shuttuiworth sprung on the House about the biggest 
and ugliest problem of the time— how to lod^ tlie London hnrer 
million. He sketched the perplexing and painful factSj the filth, 
the overcrowding, and every street improvement endifig in an 
aggravation of the mischief. It is nobody's fault bo much as every- 



eryj J 

,iMat 16, 1874] 



Ooudn KaU, 
Minnie. " Yb8, 

*• Wbt, 1Iinni:b, you akd Pony are all Pulits to day ! *' 

Papa said both our Manes ars TEOtrfiLBsoHE^ bo wx Dress alike." 


bodv^ft miBfortune^ and oomet natarally of the growth of a capital 
to toe population of a kingdom, 

Mr. Cross knows and groans nnder the evil ; has it at heart to 
find out the road to a remedy » if he can, and promises a Govern- 
ment Bill* Somebody must have a power of Compxilaory Clearance, 
probably the Board of Works, which people have ceased to call the 
Board of Words. But how, let Colonel Uooa toll ufl» did the House 
treat the Board's Building Bill the other day 'f 

What is to be done when strong powers are wanted ^ and Farlia- 
ment— that is the Publio^won't fgWe the powers f 

The House 8<!naibly declined, by 201 to IIQ, to shut tip the 
Whiskey from Paddy on Sundays, as it is now shut from Sa>'dy— 
who is not cited as a model of ** Sawbath ** sobriety for all that — 

For a* that and a* that, 
And twice as much as a^ that : 
Your honest Scot will hao his pot 
On Sawbatha too, for a^ that ! 


What is the difference between a Reredoa and a Ritualist ? This 
is not a fooPs question ; for the difference is as important as it is 
obvious. That difference must strike anyone on reading the sub- 
joined statement in the Builder : — 

" In oonsequenc* of tho Biibop'a judpuent in rwrpect to the Exeter Cathe* 
drtl Hcmdos, the Dean and ChApter bav(^ stopped tbe whole of tbo other worku 
of r^etoratioa at this Cathedral, All the men employed there were paid otl" 
on Sitiirdij, and mutters are now at a itondatiLL The Dean and Chapttir 
hare unanimouily resolved to appeal againat the Bishop's order for the demo- 
lition of their costly Beredot." 

The important difference between the Ritualist and the Reredos 
is that the latter, if illegal, is enpable of being legally demollBhed^ 
and the former is not» Should the judgment of the Bishop op 
Eyeter and JirrKJB Keatinq upon the Reredos in Exeter Cathedral 
be confirmed by the Privy Council, it will be lawful for a Bishop to 

cause any similar Reredos, reared against his will, to be knocked 
down. But there is no dealing thus with a Ritualist who performs 
illegal rites in contempt both of bis Bishop and the law declared 
by the Courts above. Yet a Reredos may oe a structure no more 
onensive than a memorial window ; as there is reason to suppose the 
Privy Council will pronounce that which has been put up in Exeter 
Cathedral to be* It is to be hoped that legislation will shortly place 
the Ritualist and the Reredos thus far on the same footing, that the 
former, if he persist in performing illicit rites in his Church, shall 
be liable to be, if not straigblway demolished, at least Bummarily 


It is not often that the Court Circukr suggests poetry. Bat the 
otlier day our stately contemporary came out with an announcement 
which recalls the stirring passage in ChiUh; Harold: — 

** And wild and high the * Camcrons* gathering* rose ! 
The war-cry of LooHraL, whi«h Alhyn'a hills 
Hare heard, and beard too have her Saxon foei ! ** 

For the Court Circular said that : — 

^*Mr. Donald Cambron (of Lochiel) has arrived at the Castle as Groom 
in Waiting." 

Wow, Sirs, hut these are better times than those whereof Tom 
Campbell Bang :— 

** LooarsL, Locribl, beware of the day/' 

When we behold the chief of the Camerons officiating in a service 
of honour about the Sovereign, we are delighted in being able to 
congratulate both Bcotland and ourselves on the immensely altera il, 
and improved, relations existing between the Tartan and the 

SirERJDAis'a School for Soaxdal [LateU Edition),— the revela- 
tions of the Dudley Election Inquiry » 








[liAT 16, 1874. 







Book the Thibd.— Gi]tllao£« Taxxlictb* 

II.— SiQkeS'On- Memory. 

GlTtLLiXJitB Tatlleur WES a morvelloufl seam an. He performed 
miracles of dexterity: Bplashing on© oar wildly into me waT©i, 
wliile the other waa Btrug-pling^ with the breeze \ receiving blow* 
ftvjm both oars at once in the 
centra of hifl belt where the 
buokli» was fafitened. Those 
blow« hurled him backwards, 
but in a moment he was in hia 
|daG« a^aini gasping, but 

** If all proviaiona fail," 
eaid the Old Man, *' you can 
catch a crab." 

The Sea grew calmer* Ho 
entered the bay called Conn- 
de-pied-en-air, in the neign- 
bourhood of Cancan. 

OunxAinrE drove the gi? 
high up into the sand, and 
sprang on ahore* 

The Didtiiiguidhed Passen- 
ger placed himstilf^^ in the 
fashion called pique-a-bac^ on 
the Man*B shotudeM. 

So they landed. 

GmtLAtTME Tailleub asked 
— ** WelJ, Old Man, shall I go 
behind, or precede you ? " 

" Neither/' 

GiTiLiAUME regarded the 
speaker in utter astonishment. 
Of two thiDgs, one; he could 
not conceive inaction in either. 

The dignified PasseDgtr, 
whom QmLLAXFME had now 
reverentially called ** the Old 
ManJ' answered. 

^^GuiLLAUME, we must 

fle drew from his pocket a 
ȣiuare card of a green colour. 
On it there were letters , 

" Can you read ? '* he asked. 

** No." 

** So much the better. You 
have heard of aa Order? " 

*' Yes ; but I have never 
had one.*' 

*' Have you ever deserved 
one ? '* 

** Often. When on shore I 
have dbplayed bills and 
po Jit era.** 

'* Good. Then take thiB now. On it is written, * Admit two. 
GaUery.' '» 

*' 1 understand." 

*' Have you a good memory ? ** 

** 1 have studied Stokes On Memort/,^^ 

*' Where J"' 

" When I was in Stokea' Bay." 

** That will do. LiBtea, Tou must ko to the right, I to the left* 
When you come to the first field, take the left. Go atraigbt on till 
vnu come to the second turning after the third stile. Leave the river 
behind you.'* 

*^ I shall not take it with me." 

The Old Man punned, '* When at the river, call at the right bank 
and ai»k for some money ; mind, it must be the right bank, as to 
call at the wrong one would be dangerous. Conceal your weapons 
in your mouth, if neccsaary. Cut your stick when you get to the 
thicket. Go etraight through Peokham Rye," 



** Coming through the rye '* 

'^ In that case not a sound moH be heard ; not even though your 

Pretty Jane " 


** Should meet you in the dTeninsf whtn lh» bloom m on the 

Rye. Glide over ploughed fields. Walk on your ' among 

the barley : climb treei, eat nuts, see no one, heai turn to 

the left, and when in doubt kod trumps. You foUu^ me Y *' 
** Perfectly.^' 
** You are not to.^' 
** j understand.'' 
"Tou recollect ?'* 
"Every word. Stoebs*** 

** When you get to the gall err can you give the cell P ** 
GFTLLAiTirB put the At-' lo ittig«rs of both kand* ^ ^^ 

moxith, puffed out his cht: wn the call. 

It was shrill and eoeter- 
monger ish. 

** Good," aaid the Old Itto. 
**This sign reminds me of a 
weU-known painter.** 

''An ftrtiat who palsiiB a 
•ignf" ^ ^ 

^*No; who palote lor the 

** I saif^ ^ tiffti/' 
"No; lUT." 

GuTTJ ' .- head. 

Then he asked, " ist 

did I remind yon Li ./' 

" Whistleb," saia the Old 

XL — Stokes on Metnory 

The Old Man showed the 
piece of cardboard to GtrtL- 


** Take it." 

GuiLLAUME took it and hid 
it some where about him. 

The Old Man continued, 

" This is the Order. For the 

Gallery. You oan give the 

call. Kef>eat it in a miiet 

street thrice. At the tliird 

time TOU wiU see a man come 

out of the ground." 

"I know. Out of an airey.** 

"Tliis man will be Plees- 

ILUTEX, who is also called the 

Cook's Companion. You will 

show him thia Order. He will 

understand. It admits two. 

Then you will go to the Wood 

of St. Jean, where you will 

iind a Waterman on a cab^ 

stand. Tell him I love him, 

and that he must go back to 

Ida own parish. From there 

Ku to the Konvean Chemia, 

Give the cry. A man will 

oome out of a hole. It will 

be JIeever, who will have 

been down among the oooU. 

He is a man of tort. Tell him 

that best Wallsend must be 

screened. Tell him that it will not do to be slack. Th*^Ti.i.* r.-^ to 

Saint-GileH-in-the-Seven-Uials, and speak to the man v, ^ d 

whelks and roasted apples. He is WniLKiE CoDLlNS. 1 ica 

you will go to Shepherd's Bush. Make tracks through the Bu*h till 

you see the Shepherd. The Shepherd 1 mean b at the Philharmonic, 

Islington. When there^ address the Antel, who is not an Irvingit<>, 

but will give yon an introduction to Ms. Batk3&ax. Thence to 

Kemiington, where you must sound the Horns. You con get from 

there to Bromton-ess-dubbleyou. Recollect all thia," 

" I cannot read, but I know my A B C by heart," 


'* And Brcidihaw:' ^ 

" Do you know Colline^des-Matoiaea P '* 

" Do I know it ? I belong to Boia-du-Nord." 

'* Then you know the Station f " 

" Where the Bobbies are ? I should think so. The l&QIcnif book 
with the night charges in it is in a side room. Quite oloee is the j 
Undereround-" I 

" What Underground P I don't know what you mean 

p : 






Mat 16, 1874] 


**Toii can g«t from thow to Marteau-forgeron by uoderground 
' ■' that de&criptkm fiom Mart«au-forgeron to 

remp^e ; bnt tIkAM Lb not one from Colline- 





1, Bir. m 

[j ktti D^aeU knows it. It is not 

1 an Bhni^j^ed hia thouiden. 

^vafiting tune. Listen. 60 to Bath: oIbo to Jericho. 

can fto to th<j " 


Wtlu 4,. - 

book oii 
Qfi in«. 

oome ( 


ft ptt£M aad a TH>dk»i-Voole, and placed 

l»erty— I &hould B*y, your properties. They 

if t>ifi ll^.'Urcs de la R^^ine. In the pooket- 

wg oi the aogrt iliould he found 

, m will R"o to"! the Fo??*&-deB- 

Lhiaoo to '■ ■ .' i !-,ere I 

stop atTli loe to 

a Chap^lle bmnche to ' h* imu-uu-i omraeroe^ 

iivres-de-dM, Rue du Boulangcx. Can you 

iree ol charge, for the oar4 ttiII enjsure you a ffood 
rcc«t*Uuii, to ihc! Cirque Eue du R6g' Rue d^Ojtford. 

Ycm will see the g'igantio company at Vou will go to 

the " " ^ '" ^;ieques where are men wiiu ruaeKeaed fac^a. They 
hn in their hands, and make a noiac. Tell them to 

m . I .,^ will flee Misterhoorb^ Kiss Imn foi hia mother/^ 


Yon do Tiot understand : 
>, No matter* 
11 all I Vo told 

i^ooouy nose as \ noae ! * 


ifE, I Fay all this to 
nor 1, cl»-iJirly, r • else. 

Who •» afraid? ^ moreP 

vou to the Pooktt H;\Tl^:^J^ Ohitfi. 
Will you say all this ? '* 

** Every word/\ 

** Fori^et nothtni." 

** Certainly not.^ 

** If you fluoceed, do you know what I will make you ? " 

'* If 1 succeed 3'ou will make me a pair of new shoes/^ 

»• A new hat P " 

** No,^» 

*» What then P»' 

** I will make an April Fool of 3rou,** 

"Like my brother?" 

" Likn your brother/* 

** And, if I don*t succeed, you ''11 pitch me over ? " 

*' Lik*-^ your brother.-* 

i -an bent his head, and closed one eye» slowly. When 

he ^ , he waa alone. Qutllaume was going down the other 

side oi the horizon. Night approached. Ships, ridmg at anohori 
turned towards the aea-mews. The frogs on the Military undress 
were silent. The poola were full, white played on red* blue hia 
player in hand, while the one star had gone, disappeared^ Fisher- 
women washed themselves ashore and went to bed. GuUb and rooks 
04me out together: then went in for something: then, lat^r, the 
fooks let in the gulls, and all was silent. The solitude was com- 
plete. There was a wild division of colour ; the wind blew» the 
moon rose. The dew heavy, tho night light, 
{To be continmd,) 


Decidedly Supplementary. 

WiTEX next, Waxd Hunt, in solemn sounding ton«a, 

{Goscs^n first cursed) you to your grief give vent» 
Consigning the whole fleet to Davy Jobtes, 

Yet asking for a new one two per cent, 
You *I1 pause, reflecting that if this mere mite 

The growing danger of the hour can smother, 
?*r»p8 GoflCTHEN, if ne isn't too polite, 

May hint, emphatically, *' 1 o« Ve another ! " 

«< Tlxe Heart of Afirioa.'* 

(A San Virsfiliana,) 

^* IvTUS aqnso duloaa, uftoqn^ aedilia msoJ* 

Vif^U, .Simd. lih A. I W, 

(Freely translated by Mr, Punchy- 

** Within are fresh-water lakes, and a pedestal for LrvriraOTOifB.'* 


** Pbrtoles him»tlf, in 11 moming'« walk in Uu« grent mutropoli*, heginning 
with South Kcnsin^on and enJinc ^^^th Wapping (a lavph)^ would ftlmost 

dc?«pair of iraprejwing on tbi» r 
mi'try rmii beauty.*' — (Tkb Eicji 
0/ tht Hotfui Aeademy.) 

I any condstent uipe^t of sym- 
UwRABU'e Speech at the J>mncr 

l^ i^— 

't Herodotus 
ft (iardens nod at us ; 

Still we worship tin Luniu.iia-.i.i 

Of the City of rjcmtxnH and Aisrv-ri. 

But what would PEiitci.ES think if he went 
Through mighty London's huge extents 
This ih the question put to us gaily 
By our Pehigles^Disiiieli. 

Fancy a walk, without au' 
From Cole's (C,B.) to Oiii ^ plug ; 

Pericles arm-in-arm with in , v. 
Through streets hiistlingly, horribly busy ; 

The Lilliput fountains of Trafalgar — 
The great Law desert of Temple liar— ^ ^ 

PuncKs Fleet Street, whose papers daily 
Would puxxle PjERicLE.^, not Disilieli. 

Would Arohitectiire's Attic apostle 
Care for our Capital Colossal 't 
Would he not sneer at its allevs ugly, 
Where Nob, Snob, and Mol>, c^eek-hy-jowl stew 
snugly ? 

If he ever takes thia morning walk^ 

He '11 have one thing to cheer him, the Premier's 

How Mr. Punch would like to drop gaily 
On PsKiCLfiS, aj'm-in-arm with Dib&aeli ! 

The haunts of business passing beyond 

To the ** Ship and Turtle," or Spiers anb Pond, 

Or wherever a dinner, devoid of fault, 

May be pleasantly flavoured with Attic salt. 

And when, his napkin over his knees, 
With his Punch and his jiort sits Pericles, 
He '11 say, before his final vaU* 
"Don't rebuild London, dear Disraeli." 




" There ie a Tide in the A&ira of Men." 

The Edinburgh Heview, in its article on the '* past and futnre of 
the Whig Party," savs that the Conservative Party has been 
brought into power by ** a strong tidal wave." Mr. Glai>sto5E, on 
this Deing quoted to him^ drily replied, **I don't consider this 
movement an ordinary * tidal wave,^ but an extraordinary * great 
bore.^ " 


[MiT IG, 1874. 



FashiormhU Lady. *' Well— ee— No I The PAcr is, tckek's a Pillar on the Left Side op mt Pew in CrnrRCB, so xaAt 
ONLY THE Right Side op my Head 19 seen by the Conoreoation. Of corRSK I could change my Pew ! ** 
Fashionable LadiJ 9 Husband, " Ya— A8. Ob eten the Church, you know, if nrcessaey." 

[Faahionahh 3£iUincr considers thfi poiivt. 


How odd I triyBBes was ploughing near some S<sot^li Firs in The 
Heart of Sarrer, and Ctytanmeatra, who had been Knitting a Stook* 
tng and Cow Tending in a Moorish Garden, Eacaped by a North 
West Pa^sag-e into The Picture Gallery (looking The Picture o£ 
Health), for A Cnp of Tea at Five o'Cbok with Marie Antoinette. 

Lord 8elbornc and John Bright were diwuEaing A State Secret ; 
Monsignor Capel was reeommending Pot-pourri to the Rer. James 
Kartineau ; the Archbishop of York and the Rev. Hurry Jones w^re 
wavering between ** Sermons in Stones^* and Half Hours with the 
Best Authors— A Page of R&belaiBf John Stuart Mill, Pamela^ and 
Dr. Newman ; and Charles the Second and Ophelia, Apollo and 
Lad^r Itachel Russell, all dressed in The Latest Fashion, were 
driving Four in Hand over The Field of the Cloth of Gold, to The 
Ball on Ship-board at Our Northern Walls. 

Now it was Winter, with its Applicants for admission to a Casual 
Ward Out in the Cold I Now it was Summer Noon in the Soilly 
Isles, and A Venetian Fruit Seller brought Peaches From Naxos for 
The iilue Girls of Canterbury and Little Swanadown, who had all 
got mixed up with The Crowd before the Guards* Band, on their 
way in The Convent Boat to A Norwegian Wedding in the Jews' 
Quarter at Old Damascus ! Prometheus Bound My Legal Adviser 
(feeUng *' A Little Better** for The Dootor*s Visit) to The Defence of 
Latham House, and gave him Instructions in Deportment before 
The Queen of the Tournament^ who was Blessing the Little Children 
—never Still for a Moment— and telling them Stories for Sunday 
Evenings in the Roman Cattle Market. 

I was as busy as I could bo— arbitrating on Newmarket Heath 
b<»tween Capital and Labour^ inspecting Fox*hounds in Kennel, 
Kavetdropping in The Bazaar at Cairo, Visiting a Moor's House, 
tokbjr leesons of % Country Dancing Mojster, llctuming the Solute. 
and Colling the Boll iilt«r on Engagement when^I was called, and 

It was very strange, for I had " Only been with a Few Friends " 
after leaving the Academy ; but it might have been The Beefsteak 
Pudding which was the guilty cause of these disordered dreams. 


DiFE with Earl Russell, and tell him, confidentially, oror the 
claret, what Bi8Marc£ and Gorischaxoff settled the other day at 

Attend a Stato performance (revival) of The ExikM of Siberia at | 
the Princess's* 

Burst into tears at the sight of the Crimean Memorial in WotFrlo<J 
Place, and renew the Treaty of Parb on the spot, out of considera- 
tion for the feeling of the neighbourhood. 

Understand what an ** immense draw" he will be at tho Cry*'** 
Palace on the 10th, along with the fireworks* 

Forget to caU on 3/r, Funch on his way to tlie Ctty. 

AflihM r. Firofl. 

'* Cr«ecflr« et cremsri, 
Bon digmsaitua l&udsrl.*' 

** May mB enoh, ia hid turn, 
Eipen, dropi and then bum." 

SirH, THOKTSoir, 

Mnx talked of the *' tmearned increment '* that oomea to the l»nOi» 
of land ; , * i 

Rra Hexbt's ** unumed inoremant " in a diiforent senae ooth itAWl^ 

The first moans the rise in landlords* rents, though (Blxxx wp) to*f 
never earned *em ; , 

The other means our dead, whom, as y^t^ we wonH pot aiier vo ^ 
burned *emi 







FROM THE NECK Ot X^^ ^X.^^. 


Mat 16, 1874] 




i: CLUB, "— - • "- r ^ , ft 

State Temu and Salary required. Apply, by letter, to Euflebius, 
Upper Berkeley Street Weat» Hydo Pork Squire/'— (rt«i<# Adi^mittrntnU) 



the young 
Lo, a sudden impiibe 
rstira ; 

Head and heart, 
i For the pippin, writ 
— glory I 
'* Deiur mpien* 


Some Hwixt 
and ape 
To bridge o'er with 
Haye endea- 
Some for HrxLET, 
some for Moses, 
Have pulled caps, 
and almost noBee, 
Science- ievered ! 

Borne who in Ker- 
guelen's Land 

To watch Venua* 
transit planned, 

Bpare their pains ; 
Wait lier transit here, addrest 
Upii€»r Berkeley Street West^ 

Happy swains ! 

From deTelopmenta Darwinian 
Some ascend on f anoy^a piniooi 

Scorning check ; 
Of develo^iment they dream, 
Swift as b^ht and soft aa cream — 

Mi(b» from Sec. J 

** See'* (triumphantly »ay some) 
** Natural Selection eome 

To the rub, 
Wlien, by Nature^s lawa, the Blues 
Their ii.A» are free to choose 

In their Club 1" 

Ladies, do think where you arc ! 
Youth Your See. should find a bar 

In nia way ! 
To B.A.'fl san,t barhe pr&iQT 
That sedate Philosopner, 

Pumh, B.A, I 

Thb Iriah Roman Catholic Member* have been bo often 
disappointed about the appearance of the measure for 
putting Monka and Nana under inspection, with which 
the Honotirable Member for North Warwickshire ** oft 
threatens, oft forbears to strike-," that they have now 
christened his Motion for the Bill '' The Convent Cell.*' 


Bin W* Hayteb, in his retir 
defeat of the Govemnient on 

Motion was entirely due to " bad wuiyyin^j ' remarked 
that such a blunder deserved a good wfuppmg. 

? how the 
ry I^an 



Deseboits to be ahe^ as far as possible of the brilliant enterprise 
of the day» JWr* Punch has organised a staff of Special Corre- 
spondents, to report to him on countries hitherto unexplored, and, 
for the most part, undiscovered. It need not be said that immense 
eneiigy and expense have be4?n required to carry out this splendid 
Bfiherae of thoroughly investigatinff the Universe; but it is well 
known that 3/r» Punch spares neither brain nor coin when great 
deeds have to be done, and is always ready to discover a new Con- 
tinent when one is wanted. 

The first despatch received (by cable wire) is from one of the moat 
reliable travellers upon his special staff, and relates to the hitherto 
nndescribed island of 


Aprii 1, 1875. 

As there is a considerable difference of latitude, my dear Mr, 
Punch, between London and this remarkable island, I calculate 
that you will receive this important despatch about a year before I 
have sent it. This is accounted for by the vertical precession of 
the parallaxes, which have been calculated by 8itt Isaac Nkv^ton at 
mneteen -twentieths of an inch in the twinkling of a bed*i>*)st. To 
this calculation some objection was made by Laplace, but it holds 
pcrfectlv good, 

I reached the island of Barwinia in a submarine steam-paddle 
canoe, after a voyage entre deux eaux of somewhat less tnan a 
million^ miles, with no provisions^ except a box of lucifers that 
wouldn't ignite, and a mustard plaister, I am used to long voyages 
with an insufficient commissariat, and did not swear mnoh. But I 
was glad to paddle my own canoe into the beautiful land-looked 
harbour of Darwinia, W^^^ ^ reached the piety I was welcomed 
by a very handsome Ascidion, who protruded on undeveloped paw, 
and exclaimed, 

** Am I not a man and a brother ? " 

I throw the end of a cigar at him, and proceeded to explore the 
capital of Darwinia. 

« i« ID the form of the fifth propoaitioii of the first book of 
jEuehd. Each line is a street, and, at the apex of Ui© triangle, there 
** 5 ??^ magnificent temple, built entirely of the bones oi gorillaj, 
and dedicated to tlie Titan Isosceles, whom the Darwinians worship. 
It is relati-d in their sacred traditions of that renowned demigod 
that his two legs were exactly equal in length, which is not the case 
with any of the inhabitants of Darwinia. They limp, and their gait 
thuji acquires that onc-aidedness which has been noticed in their 

way of approaching and traversing any r«^on of Darwinian inves- 

The Darwinians are a hospitable and amiable race, but they have 
a habit of rapid development which is rather trying to a nervous 
stranger like myself. 1 went the other night to a fnend's house to 
eat oysters and drink Chablis. The Chablis behaved perfectly well, 
but I regret to say that I oonnot give as good a character to the 
oysters. Before 1 had finished my first dozen, one of them had 
begun to develop, and had assumed the form of humanity on a very 
small scale. I had not noticed this curious fact, being occupied in 
conversation ; but 0, Mr, Punchy can you not imagine my horror, 
when, about to raise an oyster to my bps, I beheld a little homun- 
cului laughing at me in the coolest fashion ? Could I swallow this 
human oyster! in g ? Would he have been nice eating ? I did not 
try the experiment. 

This is the chief discomfort of the otherwise pleasant island of 
Darwinia. Everything has an aggressive tendency to become some- 
thing else, I have made the acquaintanoe of a very charming lady, 
who, like Chaeles Lamb, is peculiarly fond of Bucking pig. I also 
like that succulent quadruped. She invited me to dine, with the 
temptation of a little pig (currant sauce, of course)^ and I went, 
fully determined to enjoy myself. Imagine ray horror when I found 
that the pig had just aeveloped into a hanasome col ley dog^ and 
that the lady was occupied in developing into the strong-minded 
woman of the day. Now, the strong-minded woman of Darwinia is 
one of tho most fearful developments of an ob|ecti«»nabIe species. 
She combines the seientitio acquirements aod aspirations of a 
GAEBETi-Ajs'^DfiBsoir With the combativeness of a Blake, the volu- 
bility of a BuTLiaL, the political irrepresaibility of a Becker, and 
the loudness, fastness, and slang of a Girl of the Period in our lesa 
developed sphere— only much, much more bo ! 

Fearful as to whether the disease of development might be con- 
tagious, Your Correspondent immediately consulted the nearest 
physician, who recommended a lowering pill and a cold bath. 
Yonr Correspondent did not follow this prescription with absolute 
aiusuracy : he took, instead, a rump-steak and a bottle of jtort wine. 
He is, therefore, still olive to subscribe himself, 

Your undeveloped, 

MlTNCHAirSKir (Baboit). 


** Ko flogs, please, through onr streets as rolls the Ci^asl^^^ 
Flags mean roles ; and he ^dtaAAMit ^ftfe-osa^^^e^^V^ ^^^^ 






FaettiQus VolunUtr Suh. 

** Look eiiex, Captaik ; I *k tieed of this Fitn. Do toit hind lookikg AfTSB teje Msr while I go 




Jij/ a Ilalf^cracked Colkcior* 

Nrw Tear's Da i\^Spent a most delightful day in dusting my 
old Worcester, Mem,—SLiJid not to take up tlie Wue milk-jug by 
the handle. 

Ltid^^Dfiy.-^B.siYmg dreamt that Salisbury Plain is a very likely 
place for picking up old Sevres. I take kaginga for a week in a 
mouldy old f arm-house* where all that I pick up is a terribly bad 
cold and a quarrel with my landlady. Jfem, ^Dreams not always 
to be trusted. 

April FooVs Day, — Great sale at Grist v* a. Great seO for a good 
many of ua. Nothing to be got cheap. Lord Cecescs hids a thou- 
«and guineas for a crackle tea-cup. Gets it. iUe^n*— To imitate his 
Lordahip» and be bold in bidding. 

May i)<jy.— Lady Humghufftic^s $oirie. Meet Sir Mac Muffy 
DiiFFTR, the famous Scotch ooUeetor. Shows me an old Bow do^» 
fitted aa a 6nuif-box. Always carries it about with him in lus 
breeehes' pooket. I sav it is the finest Bow-wow dog I ever saw» 
and, the rappee notwitnatanding, is not odo to be sneezed at. Laugh 
heartily at this. Sir Mac Mutft Dufftr doesn^t. Mem* — In 
future, not to waste my wit upon a Scotchman. 

My Birthday. — Old Dodger, the dealer, calls on m© at lunch 
time, and, after drinking my good heiJth in rather more than half a 
bottle of my choicest old East India Madeira, he shows me a mag- 
nificent old WilJow-Pattem plate. Kindly lets me have it, as a 
favour, for five shillings, Discover^n consulting my Chaffers, that 
it is not the correct (iuan-Sung-Hi Willow- Pattern of the 6th 
dynasty, and would be dear at live*pence. Mevt, — Not to be ew> 
generous with my old Madeira. 

Midmmmer Day.— A day of sad disasters. At breakfast I sip 
hastily a scalding eup of tea. ajid, setting it down roughl]^ crack a 
TTiluable saucer. TheUt while arranging my new cabinet, I chip off 
half the nose of my lovely Derby Milkmaid, Finally, the footman 
tumbles down -stairs after dinner, and fractures half a score of my 
pet Dresden soup plates, Metn, — To stop a sovereign ont of his 
next quarter's wages. 

Sortw other Day, — A pleasant morning passed in viewing Lord 
Tom Noddy's beautiful collection* FeE over head and ears in love 
with a charming Chelsea Shepherdess. Offered to exchange my 
crackle China tea-i>ot for her. Mem, — Exchange is no robbery, 
but may bo an advantage. 

Next day, — ^His Lordship sends me his Shepherdess, and, with t 
fond embrace at parting, I let him have m)* tea-pot. When too 
late, I find out that the anchor on my Phillis is indubitably forged, 
and that her left arm is loose and will come oJf in hot water, Mem. 
—In future, not to fall in love without a microscope. 

Goose i>«y.— Being fond of the bird (Wagge oalls me an oU 
cannibal), I rather over-eat myself, and have a dreodiul nightmafS* 
Dream that I have sat upon my hundred- guinea slop^^bafiinl Mm* 
— Next year, not to help myaeii ao freely to the stumng. ^ 

Our Wedding- Day, —Mj way of a httle treat, I take Jiff wife to 
BoTHiEEBY^s. Balc-room very full, and sadly close and ttujfy. Thi 
first lot which is offered is an Oriental bowl ; but a dealer at my 
elbow whispers it is Lowestoft. Boldly make a bid of five guin<«» 
for a start, and, to my great surprise, 1 find it is knocked clown to 
me without a second oner. I also find, however, on examining m| 
purchase, that it is really Oriental, and, moreover, has been riveted 
m some half a dozen places. J/em. — To try and give up going intu 
auction rooms, and to take the pledge of total ohina-buyisg 

A Terrible Hitch. 
Dear Puitch, 

I AM so pn7Kled. Can you solve my dilemma ? Unvinif » 
father and mother, I must have had two grandfathers; ihimdfm^ 
four great-grandfathers ; therefore, eight great-gTeat-gmndfathei. 
and so on : till, many generations back, there must be an infjnity »»f 
great-great -grandfathers. But I have always understood wt^ all 
sprang from Adam. I daresay this has perplexed mnny before, but 
I should be so glad if you will explain it to me, 

Yours, ever ftiithf uUy, 



Mat 10, 1874.] 






^^ WUUX 


This ia the Ono Hundred and Sixth year of the existence of the Ro^ral 
Aoadem^. A moat memorable one. Perhaps the most memorable since its 
foundation. The Exhibition was never so large — the Catalogue never so small. 
Mr, Punch congratulates the President and all the Members, he oongTatulates 
the new Secretory and all the Officers, he congratulates the Public, he congratu- 
lates Himself, on the issue of the very convenient, the very oonifortable, the 
vf^j portable* the very handy new-ai^sed Catalogue. It is one which sweeteiiB 
the tamper, smoothes wrinkles, banishes frowns, and increases twtifold, fonr- 
fold. tenfold, manifold, the pleasure of a visit to the Exhibition. The dream 
of Mr, Punches youth has come true, the ardent desire of his whole life is at 
last realised. 

He has now only one more boon to ask. England is a great mechanical 
nation^ and the age in which we live is distinpruished for inventions and im- 
provements everywhere and in all places. If the Itoyol Academy would confer 
with the Eoy&l Society, or consult tne Institute of Civil Engineers, Mr. Punch 
IB con^dent that some better means might be devised thim the present cumbrous 
airangementa with pieces of strinfl: and paatehoard ,tioketfl» for the custody of 
all the sticks, umbrellas, parasols, and sun-shadea which the thousands of 
viaitora are compelled to render up to the keeping of the Academy before 
they can enter its Pinokothek and Qlyptothek. This done, the last draw- 
back to a visit to Burlington House would disappear, the echo of the last 
gnimhle would fade into the distance of Piccadilly. From May to Jiily the 
Teatibule of the Academy would be crowded with happy, smiling faces, even on 
the rainiest and wettieat of days; the indefatigable and patient attendants 
would take a more cheerful ^dew of existence between the hours of 8 a.m. and 
7 p.M, ; all angry paaaions would be allayed, all impatient tempera soothed ; and 
the ninet^f Tith p/^ntury would be signalised by another achieTement of victorious 
skill, bt- !i our bridges, and tunneK and viaducts, and embankmiints, 

uld afi as insigniticant triumphs. 


[The papers have announced a new arrival at the 

** BntOBTON Aqtiabium. — ^A royal tturgeon^ caught in Rys 
harbour, has been lucocaifully conveyed to tho Bngbton Aquarium 
by the curator. This royal lish measures 8ft. 6iu* in length, and 
vpeighs 24owt. It was brought seTen miles oTcrlond to Bye 
Station, and oonvsyed thencM) ta Brighton, a diitanf^e of fifty 
Ddlei. The sturgeon ii in good heJiUh and rigoor, and ii now 
iwimining in one of the great tanks of the Aquarium. ThU i« 
the largest ipecimen that hai ever bewn exhibited."] 


Welcome, welcome Aciprnai^ 
Siurio^ throngs attract yet denser ; 
Make those called immense, immenscr t 

Nigh three hundred pounds I 
Pisciculture's champion Surgeon, 
BccKLANB hails thee, giant Sturgeon. 
Draw more crowds than aught but Spubgeon 

Could within these bounds. 

Daily hosts of fresh beholders. 

Thick as mites in cheese which moulder i, 

High and low will« rubbing shouldera, 

At thee oome to peep : 
Big fish feasting greedy tight on. 
The most briliiuit eyes in Drighton, 
Thee will focus all tneir light on, 

Monster of the Deep ! 

At the tubercles that sunder 

Thy spine* s ridge will gaze in wonder. 

And tny mouth, which so far under- 

-lies thy taper snout ; 
Month as any leatner bottlers 
Void of teeth, but graced with wattles. 
Where are now the Axolotls ? 

Thou wilt cut them out. 

Stranded, by the waves forsaken, 
Thou for je^am hadst been taken, 
Caught at sea, thou aav'st thy bacon. 

Likewise that of swine ; 
Since thy tlesh, experts in flavour 
Use to say, as veal doth savour, 
And with veal we hold in favour 

Bacon when we dine. 

Glass twixt thee and crowd that presses, 
In the Aquarium's rooesses, 
Thou art safe from all distresses. 

Russia's mighty Czab 
With a visit soon must greet thee. 
Let 's hope he '11 not want to eat thee, 
Or misuse and ill-entreat thee 

For thy caviar. 

In thy t4ink no hands can rip thee, 

Of thine isinglass to strip thee ; 

Oil to market none shall ship thee^ 

Frisk, in joy, thy tail. 
Something, with amaze profounder 
Opening gazers* eyes yet rounder. 
Neighbour to thee, soon may floimder, 

Very like a whale I 

Authority and Example. 

The Post announces that : — 

** Mn. Dion Boucicavlt, who has for some time 
f ulAlling engagementa in the United States, has ardvec 


iaat been 
in £tig* 

PRi;sn>KNT Gbutt has, by the exercise of his official 
authority, arrested a Currency Bill which, had it been 
enacted, would, we are told, have paved the way to re- 
pudiation. Thanks to Me. President Graft's veto, 
tortitied with the example of Mb. Dion BotrciCAiTLT, 
it may now be hoped that the United States will con- 
tinue to fulfil their engagements. 

A Passage in the iNFSRyo, — Passing over the Sticks 
(and Umbrellas) at the Royal Academy* 




[Mat 16, 1874. 


*^ Wo txQ un&Mo to inform our cc^rreerpondcnt ' DEOiNUi, B.D/ whnt huA 
become of the College October. Wc orank it out of huge iUtcc fiagronfl^ 
eon»ttl$ Ft^nw. How tpo »U enjoyed it aftor nixbt roll, eapc'ctally 
wbjen AmcHT BuTLmm opened mi mctaphyKci, » * ♦ They are atl 
gone, tbo«e joyout, hopeful apiriti— gone with the old October, and the 
andpnt flftgons* Thit ii the day tf *Pale Alo ' And * Bitter Beer* and 
* Smalls/ The old hummiDgr ale of the CoUeg© was bArrelled in one October 
and tapi^ the October of the neit year. A pint of it sent n hard student to 
hia rooms, aure of a msm^ aleep, and no heodaobc in the morning."— T/i^ 
IrUh Times. 

^((DSKR i*^ 'JfMf\UV> ' B 


At the tenth trienniBl meetiuff of n certain Boofety, MJL Hp 
RiCBJ^D, M,P», in tte Chair, the foTlowinif circumstanee* were etatM 
M amoDg the grieTanccs oon.ftituting' reasoni for the iziit^tice of 
that Aseoeiation ; — 

^ * At the present \im% ift Miotit of Corporatiooj, Nonconfonziitfll were in the 
majontyf while at thii moraBni the Lokd Mayor op London waa % Di«- 
fenter. Kow a Disseiitet ooeupied a teat of hi^h honour on the judicial 
bench. There bad b«eh Ditsentcrs in the Counoili of ^e QirsBH, A Bift< 
SBQting Gen&ral had caTcd the empiro of the Queen in Indian and thej had 
seen a Biaecntcr mottrncd hj Europe and the world, and buried in west* 
mintter Abbey. Othrr disabilitleB had filio been swept away, and the Uni- 
TCrtitieA with all their prii^es and honours were open Xa iht NonoonfbrtnLBtdY 
who had nobly held their own at those institutions/' 

Who would not natEmll? expcat that all thii oossiitnted a 
prolofTue to the quettion, ** Whnt do Nonootifofiniitt want P " But 
no ; tho asaembh" they wcfto addre»sed to wfts a meeting of the 
Sooitity for the Libefation of Ecligioo from State Fatronagg and 
Control. Ib it not rather hard to underst^ind what process of 
LibeTation, of deliberation, could make Konconformists much better 
ofi than, on their own. showing, they would aeom to he f 



For which hards erst han- 
That would Tirify a cripple,? 

Crowned the College tankard ! 

Olwhere ia that humming atnJff 


With Irish "tib'' and ** vir" goneF 

Wo haven^t brain enough now 

For A^BisTDTLE'a ergonj 

Alls, these daya are Bober, 

And nohody can come nigh 
Those (juaifers of old Ootoher, 

Trinity^ s old &htmm: j 
For ** smaU beer, that poor creature," 

Our moderns have a mania ; 
ToBT PafLPorrs out of reach are 

Of our tissue- paper erania* 

As BuiT, Q,C., is weaker^ 

Than DAJf, that sturdy "*grnmhler» 
Bo from the two -quart bec3ier 

Wo reach tho half -pint tumbler ; 
Eheu J antiquum rohur ! 

Old olaa«ioi, old divinity, 
Aro fled with old October 

From the grey old crypt of Trinity. 

Yet if old Customs perish. 

If old alegOj and old Chnrches, 
If few the HomanitieB choriih. 

And Divinity in the lurch ia ; 
Yet to cry o^er gpilt milk is Tftuity, 

A sin to at ghould ne*er be Trinity**, 
While an Irish prrs humanity 

Makes the hoighth of aU dirinities ! 

A Chan^ for tlis Wone. 

CooiriBsijB hnmt as aoon aa ta^^, 
In fear its King did ilee ; 

So Aih- and- Coffee now remain 
Of what was Ash-aa'-Tee I 


'* On beiTig msde a Baronet, Mu. H. Tree (of the firm of Faim BaoTBxms, 
Tca*iraporter», Cheapfiide,) prpaented £2000 to the Surrey Bench for benerolent 
purpodesj afi a tbank-otrifring/' 

If favour you 'd curry 

With those who make Bartt, 
Fight twice for Mid- Surrey, 

And so win their hearts. 

Pees thus, from tea-dealing, 

A Baronet made. 
To show grateful feelinp. 

Two thousand has pain. 

The Surrey Beaks say 

Of his gift a proms^ 
'Tis but fair that Peek pay 

What is due to Pekoe* 


Another argument for "Cremation" has appeared in the ahapfi 
of an advertiEjement of a Joint Stock Cemetery Company {Limited}, 
which has bought forty-eight acres of land for the purpose of a new 
burial-ground, to be opened near the Crystal Palace. The Cemetery 
18 to be select * the deeeased labouring classes are to be kept out of 
it by the prohibition of Sunday funerals ; exclusiveuesa which, 
perhaps, will not prevent injurious drainage into adjoining walk. 
Its promoters recommend their burial-place as situated in one of the 
most healthy suburbs of Loudon, This advantage it will oeaee to 
possess as soon as a population shall have g^theim round it. Ths 
citizens of a necropolis cannot emigrate, and they form a oorpofO- 
tion with power to add to their number — and use it. To prevent 
such corporations from betng formed, what practical way is thflt^ 
hut the process recommended by Sm HjEirar IiiompsqJt ? 


Hard Xinei. 

" Th4 Bui of Smbanth. Chaps, fW>m le to aS." 

If not this rather a narrow limit of age ? and does it not begia 
rather early ? All the best of husbands we have known havs hsea 
older chapa than these* Indeed we greatly doubt any chap o§ 
eixteen coming fairly within the category* The utmost ire 
should expect would he that he might make a very fiir husband — 
conflidering, ' 

Ftmch^a Tlia&kaglving. 
{For a Dm that CherrSy and not Injurit^iii*) 
PAEgiHB AJTD GoTTO are two pretty men. 
They've invented a capital reservoir-pen; 
A dip to a Hne will make Ptmch himself flag, 
Bnt two dips to the eolmnn, and won't Mi pen wag I 


Tjtf: T./>ndon, Chatham, and Dover Directors have flt^ scmit 
traLiib Willi the Westerham Breaksi in a laudablo dnfmmhwiiw U 
stop anashes. 



[Mat 23, 1874. 



FNCH doestt't envy Ihe ArcKbbliops 
the it^ertHK throiip^h the Lords of 
tlie Clerical HQtiay BiU, n ad a 
Second Time on Mondat/y Mny 11. 
Ix>En SnAFTESBUEY Iiates the Bill, 
and LoRl> BAXisBtTEY does not like 
it ; Lord MAXiLBOiiOTJon wishes it 
dropped, and Lord Nelson would 
have it stopped; the Mabuuis of 
Bath does not think it will do 
what's wanted; and Lobs LniE- 
BICK does not see that anything 
wants doing. But the Bishops, who 
know best where the shoe pinches, and what it costs in time and money to ease it, declare 
things can't go on as they are : that the Episcopal Shepherds must have a cheaper and stronger 
orook to pull up the wild Ritualistic sheep, who have a trick of leaping the Anglican fences 
into the old Roman Road that runs on the other side of them (see Punch's Cartoon). His 
Gbac£ of Petebbobougit, successor to Wilbebi-'obce's gift of ejeech, sees, with his keen 
Irish eye, that it all comes of trying to govern a Live Church by Dead Law. The Bill is an 
attempt to put life into the Law. The Lawyers naturally think the best of it. It had no 
friends so hopeful as Ex-Chancellobs Hatuerley and Lobd Selbobne. The Low and 
Broad Church lay-peers (Richmond and SnAFTEsnuBY, Habbowby and Gbay) insist that 
Bomethine must be done. Even the High Church— except its Intransigentes — can't deny it. 
So, though nobody liked the Bill, nobody divided against the Second Reading. 

So, till the old Law can be overhauled (which is likely to come first. Disestablishment or 
the Greek Kalends ?) its enforcement is to be left to a resultant of the forces of Episcopal 
discretion and Protestant aggravation. A nice life the poor Bishops are likely to have of it 
between their Purchases and their Westertons ! 

While the Peers were handling their Ritualistic hot potatoe, the Commons had in hand 
their hot-potato-Publican, 

On Mb. Cboss moving the Second Reading of his Half -hour Bill (a cross used, in fancy 
language, when the fancy had its organs, to mean squaring a fight for corrupt consideration), 
Messbs. Melly and Pease {Fease et Melle reads like an Arcadian dish out of Athenjeus) 
moved an Amendment, that no Public-house Bill can be satisfactory which increases 
facilities for drinking and deals unequally with the. Liquor trade. 

SiB Selwyn Ibbetson spoke well up to his Home Office brief. The principle of the Bill 
is to do away with Local discretion— to let Public opinion, per Parliament, fix the hour for 
shutting up the Public. There was confused talking on this, much as in the Lords ; and the 
end was the same, nobody satisfied quite with what was being done, everybody satisfied 
something must be done, and nobody seeing his way to anything better that could be done ; 
and so the Cboss Bill was read a Second Time, to the cry of Watchman-PM7toA, ** Half -after 
twelve, and a hazy night ! " 

Tuesday,— ^xi the Lords, a very sensible sj^eech from Lobd Caebnabvon, setting forth a 
very sensible scheme for dealing with our White Elephant. Sierra Leone is to have one headj 

La^os and Gold Coast (800 miles away), another, who is not to live in that sewage-si 
white-man's ^ve, called Cape Coast Castle, but in some place where oqws, horses, and 

asses can survive the fever (that seems the measure of salubrity for Colonial Governors) ^ 

at Acorah, with a road to the hills for breathable air in the deadly season. Officers are to 

be paid living wages for taking their lives 
in tneir hands : the Military Foroe is to be 
a native one ; of Houssas and other tribes 
that will fight : and we are to make a 
&iend, if possible, instead of a f oe» of Enre 
Coffee. But Government, it is feared, 
must have control over the trade in guns, 
though how, is not so clear. (Comdn't 
Mb. WnnwoBTH contrive a revolver that 
would turn round and shoot nanfhty 
Nigger, when naughty Nigger go for snoot 

LoBD Grey approved, on the whole, 
though he didn't see his way to stopping 
rum and muskets, and didn't like the 
notion of Cbvemment monopolising the 
trade in these African luxuries. Lobd 
KiMBEBLEY was graciously pleased to lean 
towards approval, on the whole,— of course, 
couldn't commit himself— it wasn't to bo 
expected— but really thought, all things 
considered, poor dear Lobd CAEBirABVOir 
deserved to oe patted on the back, and 
begged him to consider himself patted 

In the Commons— YoBKB found he was 
not wanted, when he purposed to exempt 
the Law-Omcers (" travelUM politicians,^ 
he called them, with considerable impei* 
tinence, on their way^ we presume, to tneir 
own ends as contra-distinguished from the 
country's) from going back to their Con- 
stituents on appointment. Mb. Habdy 
thought that, considering how little ex- 
ercise your hard-working Barrister gets, it 
would be cruel to stand in the way of his 
going down to the country whenever he 
has the chance. The House agreed with 
him, and put out the sun of Tobke without 
a division. 

Then Mb. Dillwyn wanted the Commons 
to make impertinent inquiries into House 
of Lords' Salaries, and odious comparisons 
wit^ tiiose of the House of Commons. (Ask 
what ice pay our servants! Hang the 
fellow I— was ever such impudence I) The 
Chancellob of the Excheqxjeb was quite 
against anything so indelicate : so was the 
House by 226 to 59— the dirty half-hundred, 
says my Lobd Cababas, who always smell 
something nasty when ever ** salaries " are 
in the wind, and insist on stirring it. 

Mb. Butt moved for papers in the case of 
Patbioe Casey, Mabtyb and Rmsoir-XAir, 
who has been shut up for three years under 
the Lrish Life and Property Protection Act. 
Mb. Roebttce was homfied to hear of such 
a thing I — 

''Obstupuit, Bteteruntquo comsD, ot vox iauoibus 

But, after all, the Act was passed to 
enable the Executive to do suoh things, 
when necessary. Was it necessary here r 
That is the only question. Lobd Habt- 
INGTON thought there could be no harm in 
looking into the case; and Mb. Disbaeu, 
like a sensible man, agreed the papers 
should be produced. 

After which, the irrepressible Whaixxt 
began moving for a Select Committee on 
himself and nis grievances, and that so 
movingly he set everybody going, and the 
House was straightway tJounted Out. 
Whereupon Punch soliloquises, — 

Plagues there are that beset life's tearful 
Which to elude asks more than mortal 
Lo, the House can be oounted out from 
But who shall count out Wha£let fioin 
the House P 

Wednesday was given to giett sad gnfi 


Mat 23, 1874.] 



Mb. G. Treyeltan moyed the Second Reading of his Counties 
HoiiBehold Franchise Bill. Mb. Disraeli had said that the only way 
to end heart-bominffs between town and countrv, was to identify 
town and country sunrage. There were three millions called rural, 
but really urbaiu without votes. The country labourers were just 
as fit to Yote as the town labourers. Abch was an excellent man : 
but a labourers'yote was the keystone of the Arch« Equal electoral 
rights was a bait to draw our country mice over-sea. Why not 
bait our own trap with our own cheese, and catch, and keep 'em, 
at home ? 

Mb. Salt thought it was too soon to go tinkering the Constitution. 
The last election had returned a majority pledged (like Trappists) 
only to *' silence and consideration." 

Messrs. Burt and Macdonald, as in delegate-duty bound, sup- 
ported the Bill. So ^d Messrs. Campbell-Bannerman, ^OLAN, 
and Noel. Messrs. Newdegate, Neville Grenville, and Sir E. 
WiLMOT opposed it (common-place men, nro and con,) ; but only two 
Tritons rose among all the Minnows that Wednesday, Mr. Forster 
for the Bill, and Mr. Disraeli against it. Mr. Forster 
drew a distinction between rural labourers identical in crafts. 
intellifi^ence and habits of thought. &c., with town artisans, ana 
agrioultural labourers proper. Exclusion could not bo maintained 
in the case of the one. In the case of the other it was a question of 
practical politics. The agricultural labourers were a new force, and 
there were special reasons why they should now be admitted to the 
franchise— (or why they should not— all depends on how you look at 
it, and, for the present, the country evidently prefers to look at it 
from the "not" side). 

Mb. Disraeli, in reply to the sturdy Member for Bradford, spoke 
from the same side as the country. Here is no question of abstract 
Eight, but of expediency and sound sense. It may well be that 
the country labourer is as fitted for the Franchise as the town 
artisan— or as unfitted iaside)— hut that is not the point. This is 
not the moment to awaken an electoral buzz in Hodge's wide- 
awake. He has bees enough in his billy-cock already, thanks to 
Arch & Co. But the real reason against the Bill is. that you can't 
give a vote to the country householder without redistributing the 
franchise on the equal electoral- district principle — which, on the 
basis of a Member to 48,000 electors, wouldT extinguish 149 boroughs 
in England and Wales, 13 in Scotland, and 27 in Ireland. Is the 
House prepared for that change? No, said the House (with the 
country bemnd it) by 287 to 173. And so Hodge's claim was 
shelvea in one Wcdnesdav sitting. Punch ventures to think, less 
for the Premier's very rarliamentary reasons than, as the Pall 
Mall Gazette f pithily, if pitilessly, puts it, *' because Conservatives . 
have not the courage of those convictions of which the Reform Act 
of 1867 professes to be aif embodiment ; and because having already 
enfranchised a vast mass of ignorance and incapacity, the proposal 
to add to it another vast mass, of far more profound ignorance, and 
far moro desperate incapacity, is a proposal at which both parties 
simply stand aghast." 

Thursday, — The Bill to enforce Compulsory Registration of 
Births and Deaths was read a Second Tmie ; and the Juries Bill 
was forwarded in Committee ; but the Palladium is to stand as it 
is. No less a number than the mystic twelve is to pass between 
Her Sovereign Majesty the Q,ueen and the Prisoner at the Bar, or 
the parties to a suit and the issue raised on the pleadings. 

JFVkfay.— A mad Colonel in Guatemala has flogged an English 
Vice-Consul. Guatemala has offered an indemnity, and every pos- 
sible reparation. Guatemala being a small power, with Lnglish 
men-of-war in her waters, knows what to expect if she didn't. 
If J. B. toould now and then hit one of his own size, when the big 
Inrute is clearly in the wrong I 

Complaints are often made that Parliament won't furnish a grant 
for rare windfalls of Art. In the case of Landseer's most interest- 
ing portrait of Sir Walter Scott (just sold at Christie's), Parlia- 
ment has furnished such a Grant— Baron Albert Grant, M.P. for 
Kidderminster, who, having bought the portrait, has presented it to 
the National Portrait Gallery. Another proof, besides the present of a 
renovated Leicester Square to London, that the Member for Kidder- 
minster is anything but a barren Grant, as far as gifts to the public 
are concerned. 

There was much talk of Irish matters in Committee of Supply 
and before it ; first, pro and con. Guarantees given to Railways out 
of local rates ; then about Irish Queen's Plates, the allowance for 
which Mr. A2n)ERS0ir (Glasgow) had the assurance to object to, and 
was smartly snubbed, beinga mere puir Glasgow body, for inter- 
fering with an Irish vote. The fine ould Irish sporting blood was 
soon up ; and that bit of the ni^ht had a Charles-Leverish tone 
about ft that was moighty refreshm*. 

In discussing one of the votes for the Medical service of the Irish 
Prisons, there was a flinging about among the Irish Members of 
such dirty words as ** animal" and " creature," more in the key of 
the Rotunda than the House of Commons. It seems odd, but 
Punch never remembers Irish Votes, and Irish Rows taking up so 

much of the House's time as thus far in this Home-Rule Session,— 
except, of course, in Mr. Gladstone's Upas-tree years. 

Durinsr the night there was a stupid attempt to interfere with 
an excellent Government servant's employment of his holidays. 
The Erie Directors having asked the Hon. T. Bruce (about the 
best man they could have asked) to recommend them a fit and 
proper person to report on their line, he recommended Captain 
Tyler, one of the Railway Inspectors of the Board of Trade, (about 
the best man he could have recommended,) who was about to take 
his holidays, in which he could do the^ob. The President of his 
Board raised no objection ; and Mr. Goldsuxd, it is to be hoped, 
understands by this time that nobody else had any business to raise 

The evening's entertainment concluded with a talk about Kasghar, 
on whose throne is a clever Ameer, whose dominions Lord Claude 
Hamilton assures Sir C. Dilke, Russia has no intention of 
absorbing, and couldn't, if she had, they being defended on all sides 
by mountains 18,000 feet high. 


{A Carol on the late Cold fFetiher.) 

nRouGH the flowery month 
of May 
North and east winds 
often blow. 
Veiled with clouds of iren- 

All the' sky looms full of 
Many a bitter frost o' 

Orchards of their crop 
bereaves ; 
Nips, sears, pinches, 
parches, blights, 

Bites and blasts the ten- 
der leaves. 

Sadly drooptag on the 
Shrunk and shrivelled 
they appear. 
Whilst we shudder in the 
Though the Sun shines 
bright and clear. 
Thrushes', blackbirds' 
throats are dumb. 
Finch and warbler 
silence hold. 

And the nightingale is numb. 
And the cuckoo has a cold. 

But though winds from north and east 

Kill the fruit, and foliage mar. 
They have blown some good at least. 

Hither since they blew the Czar. 
Russian weather he has had. 

Which we may congenial call. 
So it has not been so bad. 

Altogether, after all. 

Pitch on coals ; the hearth pile higher ; 

Crown it with a Christmas log ; 
Put the kettle on the Are ; 

Boil the water ; mix the grog. 
Make it hot and strong enough I 

Hunt the slipper you can play, 
Bovs and girls, or blind-man's-buff, 

On an eve in chilly May. 

A Fact of Spiritualism. 

There is, or was lately, in the window of a shop in Sonthamjpton 
Row. Holbom, the portrait of a gentleman said to be a professional 
Medium. The face is depicted as flushed, and the eyes likewise 
appear suffused and sleepy. If that picture is the likeness of a real 
original, it may well be imagined to represent a person under the 
influence of Spirits. 

Cream of Tabiab.— The Czab, 



[Mat 23, 1874. 







, Tcl»>>>iS9r*i:, 







Scol/A lath/ (who hm (nlni a Ifotate m the llighhindi, her Scnanti m'hfn^hj fjirituj *' ieatniiuj"). ** What'« TITB HeabON OP THls! 
IIavk you jjot Aix you want?— uood Kooms, anp uoud Fhrsh Aik and Food, and Easy Wokx ? * 
Sj/oke3w<mimi, *' Yes, Mem— BUT— but therk^s ko a i>kcent Laad within Crt o' us !" 


(-4 3Iaf/ Fair Edogae,) 


The Aunt (past mid wmt-pramng,) 
Ma H d (A nglira n and A hxolntisL ) 
£dith \RatwnalUt arid HadicuL) 

irj A up tie dear, how do yi>ii ft^el thi^ morning ? 
morning service, just thiuk, I 've not prone ! 


To momiiig i ^ , _ ^ „ 

* lJn/oi\ if ft roiV'— but »tiU this in a waniiup". 
I got home quite knocked ui>, with nothing on ! 

I hope, dear, you had left some relicH fragile 
Of that deiiviovL^ fettille-morle robe of yours? 

I 'm glad my dress was tou^rh as I waa ajriie, 
So what 1 wore, like her that wore, enaured. 

The AmiL 
Ah, in QuEKN Chatilotte*!* davsi when I waa younger, 

And rank waa rank, such rude mobs never were. 
I thought 1 ishoTild have dropped from downright hunger f 

And I wae scratched, yea— scratched, girb, with a 8pur ! 

No wonder, Auntie, you can't eat your breakfast ! 

P'raps Hwas the some male hoof that tore my train. 
And did you see the rivirre round Maud's neck fast 

In Jane Moft-t£te*8 chignon, or rather mane It 

Ma lid. 
You *re a disloyal goose, dear, though my cousin ; 
No royal road to Ix>yalty is due : 

JuBt ©ount the friends, — you may ootmt by the dozen, — 
Who, Bpite of orush, fag, fasting, envy yottl 

The Aunt 
*Tis natural, as Dtmoeracy increases 

The hardor Royalty is to be seen. 
And Shoddy would be gladly torn to pieces 

(Home or U.S.) to curtaey to the Queen ! 

But» Auntie, Vm not Shoddy: my opinion 
Ib, struggle and starvation don* t agree : 

how I did long for a pullet's pinion. 
And one sip of champagne, or e'^'en tea! 

Pray, Edith, don*t shock all one's higher notions : 

YouVe Radical, if not Rational, 1 declare. 
When to the Queen one olYt^rs one's devotions, 

High-bred girls ought to live, and mave, on air 
The AmtL 
Dear Maut>, you 're sure to make the best of marriages ! 

Kdith 'a so rash, she isn't like tni/ niece ; 
Rut Htill, they mii/ht give tea ; and then the carriaget 

Might be got quicker up by the police. 
Aunt, do remember the French Revolution : 

'Tis but a step from Court to guillotine. 
Perish my o^-n for England's Constitution ; 

Bink, dihutunte, but sing *' God Save the QuiSEK** I 


1 like to see the Qitken and the Prinoesses ; 
I like to look as pretty as I can ; 

But why should wear^ waits and damaged dresBea 
Darken a day that m bright hopes began ? 

Mat 23, 1674.] 



Edfth^ Belf-sacrifioe is beneficial, 

Ab, if you kept vigils and fasts, you *d know ; 
Jfy Drawing-rooms are all self -sacrificial * 

Were they made easy, think you I should go ? 

The Aunt, 
My dears, enough of rhyme, and as for reason- 
Girls can't know, that is, can't say what they mean- 
But what we all want is, against next Season, 
A larger Drawing-room for the poor dear Queen I 


OORA.Y, ye inha- 
bitants ol Dover," 

A Poet sang : — * * Lo, 
yonder who comes 

The shouts and 
cheers of every 
loyal cove are 

** all ^e ships and 
batteries, salute 

With all your guns 
your loudest wel- 
come shoot him ! 

all ye bands, 
drum, trumpet, 
fife and flute him I 

"OOfficersof State, 
go forth to meet 

all ye Captains 
and Commanders, 
greet him! 

Say that there '8 no 
one in the world 
to beat him. 

** all ye Mayon, 
of yarioua Cor- 
porations I 

With your Recorders, ras)i to railway stations, 
And read addresses and congratulations 

Unto the Czab. 

** i^at Lord Matob of Jxmdon, own thy greater I 
With turtle serve the Russian Imperator ; 
Be thou dubbed Baronet, that thou didst cater 

To him, the Czar. 

"Nor let him off thy fireworks. Crystal Palace ; 
But blaze away, till, though to splendours callous, 
Cheers,'cracker8, and champagne from a full chalice, 

Excite the Czab. 

'* And, after Aldershott's mild show of battle. 
On his soothed ear let our coiled Armstrongs rattle. 
While in the Warren Woolwich infants prattle, 

To please the Czar. 

" Let Kino Cole's Albert Hall in his inspection 
Rejoice ; and, waxen tribute of affection, 
Mapaitb Ttjssaxtd, add unto thy Collection 

The reigning Czar. 

" Ye Lions all and Tigers, in the Gkuxlens 
Called * Zoo ; ' and O ye Bears— a thousand pardons !— 
No offence meant^ thrust paws and snouts thro* barred dens 

To greet the Czab. 

" Elephant, waye all that in thy trunk is ! 
Hippopotamus, Rhinoceros, Monkeys. 
Tour homage, of a better sort than flunkeys'. 

Pay to the Czab ! 

'* He has released his serfs in bonds from serving ; 
In mle has shown beneficence unswerring ; 
Of pimise, without a joke, he is deserving. 

FareweU, sweet CzabI '' 


{Grumbles, hut Pays a Fisit or Two, and Reports,) 


Seasons are altering everywhere. I believe it 's all the 
effect of the Russian Marriage. Summer is winter — winter is summer. 
Soring comes in autumn, and autumn supplants spring. But 
Theatrical Seasons are becoming muddled. 

The companies whirl about, so that a Theatre-goer has to follow 
them in cabs, in undergrouna railways, or trams, or in omnibuses, 
as best he may. 

We may soon look for the following :— 


*' The Gaiety Company will appear at the Globe on Tuesday and 
Wednesday while the Globe Company is performing at the 
Lyceum; and the Lyceum Company will appear at the Gaiety 
while the Globe Company are at the Strand (for Matinies only), 
with Mr. H. J. Montague, who, by his own kind pemussion, will 
play Toots, at the Standard, with Mr. Phelps as Sir Pertinax 
Macsycophant (for two evenings only), in consequence of the simul- 
taneous appearance of the Company from the Court Theatre at 
the Philharmonic, Islington, where the Gaiety Opera Bouffe 
Company (which has recently concluded a successful engage- 
ment at the Op^ra Comique^ Strand,) will give their Matinees of 
Madame Angot.Guy Mannenng, and Vox and Box, previous to the 
rentrSe of Mr. Charles Mathews, who will appear in a round of 
his favourite characters for ten nights, in &e absence of Miss 
Nellie Farren and Miss Loseby, now concluding their engage- 
ment— (by the kind permission of Mr. John Hollinoshsad, Lessee 
and Manager. No Fees.)— at the Alexandra, on the seoond of next 
month, when the Strand Company will appear, for a few nights 
only, at the Olympic, and the Olympic Company will take a short 
season at the Royalty, Dean Street, Soho, alternating with the 
Prince of Wales's Company, which will perform every Monday, 
Thursday, and Saturday {MatinSes) at the Princess's (under the 
personal superintendence of Mr. F. B. Chatterton)^ so that the 
Strand audience may have the opportunity, hitherto withheld from 
them, of witnessing the performance of a double company from the 
St. James's and Yaudeville, at Astley's, in some oi their old 
favourite dramas. 

** For further particulars, apply to Mb. J. L. Toous, New York, 
America, U. S., no fixed aocCress at present, or to Mb. H. J. 
MoNTAOUE, somewhere about with some of his Company, or to 
Mb. John Hollingshka]) (at any Theatre in the Gh'eat Melrop<Mi, 
and of anybody else who knows anything at all about it. 

'* In future the Librarians beg to inform their Patrons that though 
ready to sell Tickets for any of the Theatres, they will not guarantee 
the performanoe of any particular piece, or of any partiouUur 

This promises to become a trifle complicated. 

The Vaudeville Company are still at tiie Vaudeville, play 
Pride, out of which more is made than could have been expect , 
except by the very sanguine, after the first night. There are some 
good, shiArp telling Epigrams, not the effect of word-catching or 
word-play, out the genuine thing. There is in it much that is reaUy 
admirable. It often happens that when the wife is charming and 
the husband odious, the latter is tolerated for the sake mt the 
former. So with Pride, Epiflrrammatic Dialof^e is wedded to 
muddle-headed, uninteresting Plot : so that ceasing to regard the 
latter, you can give your undivided attention to the former, and 
thence draw no small enjoyment. 

Mr. Alfred Thompson has done something pretty for the Court 
Theatre called Calypso or the Art of Love, It is not exactly a 
little Op§ra Bouffe, nor a little Burlesque, nor a little musical Faroe, 
nor a classical Vaudeville, nor in fact anything in particular ; it is 
an airy nothing put on the stage at 9.30., when late diners can stroll 
in and be sufficiently amused and pleasantly soothed. 

Miss Sylvia Hodson who. I think, is new to London, is very pro- 
mising. Pretty, bright, and intelligent, she appears to advantage 
both in the three- act farce of Playing with Fire, and in the after- 
piece above mentioned. 

Mr. Albert's Wig and Gown (in which Mb. Lionel BBOvan is 
capital, and Mb. Abthub CeciLj as the Judge, capital also) was 

written for T e. As apiece it is unsatisfactory ; but Mb. T £ 

has drawn good houses. The eminent Low Comedian (who, of course, 
would be annoyed if I mentioned his name, so I will onlv repeat 

T e) is soon leaving us for America. Alas I poor England I Why 

can't he take us with mm ? No matter, Mb. J. L. T b (no names 

mentioned because this distinguished DroUerian hates publicitv: 
and not torture itself, would drag from him the secret of where ne 
is acting at this moment), if he cannot take us with him, takes our 
very best wishes, and may he be happy in the United States. 
FarewellT e! I remain aa ever, 




[ilAT 23, 1874. 






Book thk ForRxit— Bilibarlo. 

1—The Top of the Mormng. 

The Old Man waited till Gititxaltik bad dLsappeared, then he 
cocked bi«* bat, so as to be rtiudv for defence, and ^tt out tm his 
csourse* He took the direction of Iloosin while GciLi^iCMK wcat 
towards IIe?out. 

Bebiud hira were two dark trianglea with bia waist for theii* bases, 
and a button tlapping against euob beol for their apexes. 

These trianj^les were nis coat-tail^. 

Seen at a distance they apj^ared UVe the last letter but three of 
the alphabet* They told their own tale. Moreover they suited hira 
down to the R-ronndu 

Before him was a post. Tlie word pfid has always sig^nified 

** behind " btfore. 11*:* r*', in this country uf iuvirsioniij, its meaning; 
had been changed. This jjost ato^id out in the half-light like a 
Pyramid of Chops in the midst of the Dessert. 

It wa§ the layt post out that uight. And yet this post did not 
bt'lon^ to the nighty but to the morning. Tho Morning Post. The 
Old Man knew this. It was an obatacle in hia path. An obstacle 
to be removed, and to be u«cd. 

He liiid his own way. The barnacles which he had saved from 
the boat he now placed across Ma shortened nose. Had this feature 
not been abridged^ there would have been no rest for hinii With 
his eyes thus guarded ho performed a great feat, He took up the 
Post, and went ri^bt through it. 

It was a gigantic eil'ort, out be had a grand object in view. An 
inspired uum pays no regard to the prubabi litres of danger. Who 
dare«, eeoapes; who escapes, wins. Warily he ran his eye up and 
down the culuronB^ recognising familiar namcSf signs, and words; 
then he approaehcd the leaders : there were four of them ^ two 
powerful, one uncertain, and the last weak. The Old Man under- 
stood tkis, and went cautiously between the lines. 

While thus engaged he picked up, here and there, some scraps 
of information whieh might be hereafter useful to him. The outer 
theets he laved for night, when he might be without roof or couch. 
The padding he plaoea inside his waistcoat. 

It was neceflsary for him to obtain a clear view of bis situation. 
To do this, he must attain a certain altitude. The Old Man drew 
forth a bottle and drained it. This afforded him the necessary 

Next he cast his eye on the top of an advertisement eolumn. 
line caught it. His eye being onoe fixed, he drew himself up. 
Then he eat down, and bcA^ to make observations. 
Stretching awav around him were seven towns and tea ^ 
the Old Man saw fourteen of one and twenty of the othc?r* 
Then he nodded his head to himself. Only those who V 
selve* can nod to themi^elves as acquaintances ; seldom n 

He eeemcd to murmur to himself with every nod* *'i-. 

Then he smiled. Then he dosed his eyes, and for one hour he 
was tranauil. Even savage natures have their hours of melancboljrj 
after meals. Voices awoke him : voioen of children, also the martuii 
sound of trumpets whose pri^ ' i ' ii one penny, and drum* 
which could not have cost one : -^s. 

The words were bo near he ecu.. . ^... .i them. He conld not oat^h 
the children. A thick hedge was between him and them* Ht 
A worn an* 8 voice said : 
**CVme along, ToMirr," 
Anniher woman's voice said : 

** We must run. The children are tired. How are vour poor 
feet Y Does it suit your daughter to eat some peaches? Von must 
have 5cime good 3ou]>. 1 have the good wine*" 

*rNo, yon hare not th« 
good wine." 

" Yes, I have th© good 
wine, and the cheap wine," 
** The children are in- 
dustrious. The girls ara 
as good {$age) aa their 

"I have brought some 
good cherries, some gi>od 
strawberries, and «<.»ma 
good peaches," 

**Tell me, Toiratt, have 
you some sugar ? " 

A child's voice — that of 
a girl — answere'd. 

ToMMT is only at ex- 
rr, ;^^ tw.> in OLLKffDoar. 

Niiu know ** 

r.he Italian hat 
ir's cheese, the 
iuMgiiiMnit's hay, and a 
great deal of salt. The 
peasant has not any riee. • 
lie has a great deal of 
courage, and he has eight 
good trunks, and the cap- 
tain's ten hammers.*^ 

The voices grew fainter 
and fainter. Then thejr 
died away. 

H,— Through Two Eon. 

The Old Man remained 

He was thinking hardly. Hardly of several persons. What bad 
not this child's voice said ? ** The tKi'asant has not any rio© " — *' the 
Italian has the painter's cheese, and the neighbour's hay.'* 

It fell upon the ears of one wno could sympathise with the peasant, 
who detested the Italian, looking uxH)n bim as a vocal rival— a mere 
binger's machine in creation. 

ile rose, struck his banjo, and tat on a stile* He was taking 
two bars rest. 

To hini it seemed a strange time. He was not 8lee|iing, he ww 
not wakiD^: ; he was not thinking, he was not meditatmg; he waui 
not hpeakmg, he was not singing, he was not silent ; he was not 
walking, he was not riding; he was not sitting, he was not standitij?. 
Had there been no railing, he would have fallen over the clifi. 
Wa» ho on liis head or his heeh? Heels, he thought, for choice: 
but was uncertain. He drew forth the bottle once motv, ain! lu^ld 
it between his eve ond the light. It was empty. This u 

to smile. He shook his head reproachfully. Then h 
wards over a stone. Two suns seemed to him to be shining lu iIjs 
heavens, and the moona were out for three months ahead. He saw 
the unlicensed shooting start and shuddered. Suppose the fiat luui 
gone forth — 

** Rubbish may be shot here," 

The Old Man felt an indescribable calm. There be lay : no one 
knew his name. He himself, hod he been asked, could not have 
remembered it. Herein was bis chanoe of safety. He waa tranquil, 
he was happy. A little more and he wotdd have fallen atdeep* H^ 
had not a little more with him, so he remained awake. 



MumMi Jlost, ** I 8UPPCWE Tox; find Swell Swibty vhrh Di£LtoaTFut» 

1>0K*T TOir, ToPaAWYEK?" 

Onr^ecua GiiesL " I bblibvis yrb, my BoyI Why, last Nicjut at Dinnbii, 


ViaooiraiTMe on the otiibe, and a Lord Alfred armKn just opposxtb, and 


ooMK ANi> Dnm with rotf, deak old Boy, and drink youh Half-Chown 
8HSRSY I ' ' {Helps himself to ajwth^r glass. 


'" ' '■ ' f tvour of email o!o?i''-ii'-i 3, i*6 

t' w'ht* NvLsh to b<? intro'J iblio, 

liii^ \\i tlit'ycaQ bfl ifji 'vith- 

out Uiijg c(h101.^1 .ni4 iiurfled in tioUbonaee of tUut kiud." — 





I, HtmjBf snmll boroughst 
*ntMinB of %*ote3 

I'tm notes, 

ill Heuvt^a. 

You are doomedt suokmg statcsmeii, 

Fr< sh fruui Vioir inir»» r forms^ 
Wif IS mon, 

W rraa: 

NfHP ; , djy-nurst 

IVi >U' )i t Hirst, 

Sd more than biK Bue. 

A MEETt'Nn of p. .f--c.,rc nr.,1 invets of the Arts, held 
tt> dek^rniine in \ lemory of Owek Jone« 

oim ha mofst Httin has just decided . iirst, 

on tt mosaio portrait ot liimi to be oU'ered to tho 
niitioii« secondly, on a public exhibition of his works. 
Mtt* AtFRBD MoEKisoN* Sm If. D. Wyah', Mr, H, 
Cole, Mr, Wariien De La Hue, and Mr. Peteb 
Grahasi, are the Executive Committee, They may take 
for their mntto, *^ Honos Honore digno ; " or, in English, 
** Owed to Owen." 

** Sure to be weU hung then." 

Is oonsequeDCo uf tho controyersy between oertain 
members of the Eojiging Committee and the landscape 
paint^jrs, it has been decided that, in future* Calcrait 
shall hang all the pictures, both of fifi-trre-paintors and 
landacapists, in the presence of tho Lord Mayor and 

Suddenly he started to his feet. 

He had become aware that his little toe of the riffht foot was 
ihooting : shooting violently. He could not hear it shoot, hat he 
felt it. It had been trained to gi\e the alarm in this fashion on the 
approach of a change of weather. It shot noiselessly, yet with this 
one aim : namely, to forewarn its master. 

From the height where he was standing his gaze was riveted by 
an imusual and portentous si j? lit. 

His attention had been .'-iKldenlv awakened. 

He Icwked to the left, la th^ right. 

Objects in the valk^y below appeared and disappeared! atone time 
ehapes, at another shapelesR. 

Sometimes what had ' ' v ' 1;h in tho hands of men 

beoamiBt «* if by magi' wiftly they elmnfred once 

more, now being appar^^..^. 1.*^^ . ...... soaring frantically aloft, 

then descending, and lost to view. Sometimes the men,— if men 
they were,— who carried these awful weapons, were now covered, 
now uncovered, alternately black and white. Then they ran, as if 
pursuing some living object, then they feU» rose, and the object was 

What did it mean ? It meant that the wind was blowing hard 
from the sea. That there was a hurricane ashore. 

What had he seen F Doubtless a convulsion of hats and nmbrellas. 

The wind was blowing, blowing madU\ 

The Old Man looked and listened. He did not hear the wind'—he 
saw it. 

T" ^w**"^-" *>'^ peasants have a saying, *' Ct* ji^est mte Ivs coclwns 
qf ' *' It 18 only pijjs that see the wina." 

i A as pip-headod. it was a strange sensation tliis, 

ueemg th^ wind and being pig-headed* 

Against whom was the rage of the wind directed ? 

Siimebody was being blown uixin. 

{T(t he CQntimmL) 


Bo^iE enterprising Manchester Churchmen have united in a project 
for buOding a Cathedral worthy of that great City and centre of 
industry and commerce. They are reminded by the Timi*i that 
Manchester and 8aU'ord burn annually some 3,000,000 tons of coal, 
and discharge about 1000 tons of Bulphnrous ucid into the atmos- 
phere j also that Manchester is an ex tomely rain jr place— ciro urn- 
staaees which should bo considered in tho choice of building 
material Bubjeot to them. Sunpose, accordingly, that tho new 
Manchester Cathedral shall be built of anthracite. Is not that a 
substance which oouM never become the worse for soot, and would 
utterly defy sulphuric acid 1* There Is novel tj in the idea of a black 
Minster ; but how much better and more suitable t<j tho Metropolis 
of Calico a Cathedral would be were it constructed of white marble, 
as no doubt it might be if Manchester, whose muiiiliccnco is equal to 
any expenditure, could only oontriyo to consume all its own smoke. 

Igrnorance is Kot Bliss. 

Our last Nino Days' Wonder, the C/.AR, in his spare moment?? (if 
he has any) will i)mb ably make sorao inquiry into our Institutions, 
What will he think of the progress and civilisation of England, 
when he fiti<ls that in the llrili&h Army there are 12,000 Boldiers 
w!io can neither read nor write ! Certainly these do not compose the 
" Intelligenos Department** of tlia Army* 


It is whispered tliat the big Brewers are going to brew XXX X. 
the extra X oeing in honour of the new Home Secretary* 


Cabby {to inquiring Fare, ichose Friend U making a call). ** Oe, BusiifKaa is we&rt Bad, Sia. Tact is, texeb's tcm> many Cabb 


(I>yom the Court Ctrmi^jr of the Future*) 

Hjsb ilAJEsrr held a Drawing*room at Buckingham Palace on 
Tuesday laat. 

The recently formed Body Guard of the Surgeons of the Guard 
wma on duty, under the command of Sm Wixuam Feboitssok, the 

With the exception of His Exc^jUenoy the Turkish Ambassador, 
who carried a hamper of proyiHions aud a small haud camp-stool, 
and was accompamed hy his Medical Adviser, the whole of the 
Diplomatio Circle, owing- to the various mjuries they Hustained in 
their encounter at the previous Drawing-TtHDm, were unaYoidably 

The General Circle waa attended, aa usual, by the Physicians in 
Ordinary, the Physicians ExtraordinaTV, the Serjeant Surgeons, and 
the Apothecaries in Ordinary to Heh Majesty and the Household*^ 

The Honenrablo Corps of Gentlemen of the Ambulance were in 
attendance, with Iheir oondages, in the State Saloons > 

• •••*• 

The Presentations to Heb Majesty (about 5,000 in number) were 
made with a ruaht in the ordinary manner. The struggle, wo need 
hardly remark, was terrific, hut owing to its unusually severe 
nature, it has been imposaible as yet to ascertain the names of those 

The list ifl» however^ supposed to have eomprised most of the 
Burrivora of the earlier State ceremonials of the season ; and, with 
a view to allaying the apprehensions of anxious relativea and 
friend St an official statement of the casualties will be published in 
next Saturday's Gazette, 

Oapricom in the Aftcendant. 
Jack CaABxasE say a that since the 23rd came home from 
Coomassie. and got that^iew goat from Hee Majesttt at the Windsor 
Eeview, they have become ao he-goat^istical, there is no stand- 
ing them. 

8CE2CE— ^ Sea Port* Friend of Murmnity {Mr* P • • • A) tneeting 
Seafanng Person* 
Friend of Humanity (l&q*)— 
SxEAFGKR, why 60 deeply blushing K 
Why your hat your temples crushing It 
Why strange oaths so freely gushing? 
Why inclined to so much lusning P 
AVhy your way so madly pushing P 
And from haunts of seamen ruBlun^, 
Throuprh wet streeta insanely filushing. 
Fretting, fuming, **tiah"-ing, **tiiAh"-ing? 

Seafaring Person* 
'Cob it *b me as run the Russian 
Emperor aground at Flushing ! 


Who beta, loaea ; 
Who loses, pays ; 
Who pays, muses ; 
Who mnaea, stays, 

[TAfy weep togtihrr. 



Wk ore sorry to hear of a aerious ditferenoe between the BiaflOF 
OF Canteebitby and the Bishop of Peteebobough. The one m^M 
his face against the Purchase of Livings, the other againai fte 
Living of Purchases. 

" What's a' the Steee, Kdoieb P '*— Johh BBOWif '« OpixdoB 
of the CzAB'a Pilot— *'Gude for (KJnont." 



N^f- •' What is Nsu^nt'a Nosis fob ?" Ndlk {doubtfully), *♦ To Smell with.** 

mh*. ♦•And what ib Nbllie's Mouth for?'* Ndlit {cautioujily.) *'To Eat with. 

mtk. '* AvTD WHAT AEK NKLLtt'ii Eajis FOB T" NtUic (eo7iJid€nUy). ** Eab-Kinos ? " 


^WSER up, 0LAD^oyEi Of ooura€ you are aware that, as the Post announceB ; — 

rbe new refrcthnnjnt ftnd dinia^-hull &t the Zoological Onrdims are in future to be dosed on S'uxiday 
noons fhjin thre« to aIz o'clock, in eonfonnity with the pro^^iiious of tlie Licensiiig Act of 1872. A 
MDatatlon has been made to the Home Office with the riew of obt^ning an exemption on tihe ground 
Uie fardena are private propi^rh^ but Mb. Sbobstaky CROea does not think thej can be placed in 
■me category with the West-En^ Cluba." 

iikd to he places' them in the Bame cat4egorv with the Public-houses. Perhaps he thinks 
hiA idexttinoation of sauce for goose and for gander to make the Publicaas some little 
aiM for the soant reLkxation of the Licensing Act, which he will leave them to obtain 
ley can £rom the House of Commons. He might have at least equally compensated them 
lutting the Public-houses in his Liccnsinf^ Act Amendment Bill on the same footing, as 
liours on 8undaT| with the Refreshment Rooms at the Zoological hardens. Rejoice, 
LLiAM, that he nas done the other thing:, and, whilst mocking Bctno with an empty 
^t of even justice, has offended all who value personal freedom by an encroachment in 
shape of additional Sabbatarian restriction. He will fail to gratify the Publicans, 
Lst he anno]rs the Public. People do not go to the Zoological Gam ens on Sunday toget 
ik. Debarring them from refreshment there is Sabbatarianism pure and simple. Who 
Sond jid^ travellers, if they are not ? The Conservative Oovemment .appears to meditate a 
^^^yiil^^sMit Sunday for excursionists. If they go on in this way» Conservative reatrio- 
will eoon create Liberal reaction ; and then Mr, Punch will in a short time have the 
JBure of representing you, Wiluam, in his Cartoon again at the head of afiairs, 

^Hf AJflLlAJS (who believes in the emx^loyment of Women) writes to ask why youn j 
■Plhould be kept out of the Pulpit while there are so many M ones let in i* 


Kbtv- Teanslation.— J?f«(s) m 17rhe—7he Czar in the City* 


Half b yard— half a yard— 

Half a yard onward, 
Throuj?h the first crusn-room 

Pressed the ¥<>\it Hundred. 
Forward— the Fair Briirade!f 

On to the Throne, they said : 
On to the Presence Jic*om 

Crushed the Four Hundred. 

Forward, the Fair Brigrade ! 
Was there a girl dismayed ? 
E*en though the chaperons knew 

Some one had blundered. 
Theirs not to make complaint, 
Theirs not to sink or taxnt. 
Theirs— but words cannot i>aint 
Half the discomliture 

Of the Four Hundred. 

Crowds on the right of them, 
Crowds on the left of them. 
Crowds all in front of them, 

Stumbled and blundered : 
On through the courtier-lined 
Roomy -most tremendous jfrind— 
Into the Presence-Koom* 
LeaviuK their friends benind, 

Passed the Four Hundred. 


Flushed all their faces fair, 
Flashed aU their jewels rare, 
Scratched all their shoulders bare, 
Thrusting each other — ^whHe 

Outsiders wondered : 
Into the Presence- Room, 
Taking their turn, they come,^ — 
Some looking very glum 

0*er trains sore- sundered : — 
Kiss hand, and outwards back, 

Fagged, the Four Hundred I 


Crowds to the right of them. 
Crowds on the left of them, 
Crowds all in front of them, 
Stumbled and blundered — 
Back through more courtier^lined 
Rooms— 0, tremendous erind! — 
DShuiant^H thirsty pined 
For ice or cup o^ tea : 
No sofas horsehair-lined, 
Not a chair or settee. 
Poor dear Four Hundred I 


Mothers to rage gave vent, 
Husbands for broughams sent, 
While at mismanagement 

Both sorely wondered. 
Not till the sun had set. 
Not till the lamps were lit, 
Home from the Drawing Room 

Got the Four Hundred. 

Some, I heard, in despair 
Of getting stool or chair, 
Took to the floor, and there 

Sat down and wondered. 
Now, my Lord Chamberlain^ 
Take mv advice. Again 
When tnere's a Drawing-room, 
Shut doora, and don^t let in 

More thfui Two Hundred, 

A Bad PRE-xiKS5;ra^^^-^'5rtfl^\a./^^ 





Tt^T 3*\ 1874, 



i«i:$ zr^ -0 R? & rise oat o* 

p^'pf'-** -^ iE<i y:^ uflBeTi ".TTT EtfCZBSte for 

gr&rTSi:^ ii zee tzisut l:<g u prospceu. 
and Xi. C3ILZZ3:* 7>>ic Ztichisf bj* his 



EAiXT. «i*'ll»iilBiii Alkiiif b just 
I 19 y-4^^ /-^ s^ ****s3-J l-^S^/^^ ^ BMifc M II «il tnag/' u^ the 

Ttlat if ft fPMHliitiaH to ft Booftdi 

Imsf ftTera««i ««t fMi't poithftM, 

wtdk out ^ 11,000 Enoci lue ftfttnoB 
f^. W «:xef«iie the 

riis'ht of prfwMrting, the Dm: of 

KiCHVoarD wfts not mftking ft Tery des- 

p^rftte more, on Mtrnday May IS. 
in ri'/infr awmjr with Pfttronairv; in th^ .Sc/Ach Church, firl%ini|r one yew't stipend to patrons 
who Oftrf; to tftk« it, and T^ntinir the ri;rht or Hikfiiinit their " meeniitar "^ in m&le com- 
municants, Ikit^ thz/nirh hh mar nift he rohbiniar Scotch patp>ns of modi in money, he is 
robhinK our " hnther Kott* " of tneir hiijgest CI* arch grievance. Patronage is the only ground 
of difference between the f^tablishment and Kelief, Sece^ision, Free- Kirk, and tne Lord 
knows h'/w many fV^'ittish sects b«Mkide.>i. Th<; Dake iH boand to find a compensating (rrier- 
anc; for the one he takes away. The right of electing a m^^enister will do something, it only 
the Duke will extend it U* erery male in the par^ichial pale. .Scotland will then be sue to have 
that i>ale boiling ovefj as it ought, with the ptrf^rridum ing^Mium Hc*ttorum " and ** ftdium 
Ihtoutgirum " both alight under it, and life in a .Sc^Ach parish may still be worth living. 
J/iftfi \)hUi<i\:My, promised vimething like such a blaze, and we mar live in hope that the 
Duke is m/t going to kill Kirk '^uarreU north o' Tweed, or even soritoh them, as ne seems to 
fear he may. I>et him take comfort, remembering^ the old couple who, having^ gradually 
exhausUKi the 
their own 
just that Hure . 

In tfie 0>mmons.CoT»5Kr. K'^kktok Lkioii moved to let the cat lr>ose on the Wife-beating 
llfiMianH who not onl v dissemble their love for their better halves, but kick them down-stairs, 
black their eyes, ana " purr/' and danc- ur>on them in big boots— kill them, in fact, some- 
times by ificlicK, s/mjctimcH hy ells. There seems too natural an association between 
•* purring "~a north-country en'k'armcnt, otherwise known as ** putting the boots into her" 
—and the cat, to keep thom longer separate. That Punch has never taken the stick to Judy 
it may \h: int* much t'j asMcrt in far:c of the show. But when he does, it is in a strictly Par- 
liamf;ntary s«jnse, out of pure playfulness andlx.-fore the public. At home he "loves, honours, 
and obeys," and dof:s not punch, Mrn, P, And he would go all lengths, even to the ninth 
tail of the cat, with Couiif Ki Lkioii, in punishing, brute fashion, the bnites who do. They 
can't be degraded, and they ran b<: restrained, by feorof the bodily pain they are too cowardly 
to enrlun;, though not t^Ki c^iwardly to inflict. 

Mi(. DiHiiAKi.i, for once, was not up to the occasion— but, like Mb. Texkysos's Lord 
C'hanilierlain in the /My Ih-tam^ 

*' Dallii-r] with hid goldffn r-hriiii, 
ArirJ oiniliiiK put fli'r qufstion by.*' 

.Now Die (pifHtion is not one to be put by smilingly. 

pHuvh buH told, through his Cart<x;n, how he fears the Purrer will read the Premier on 
wife- beating. 

For the rest of the night the House was on Ships, and who says '* on ships " says " at 
Mi-a," and ** at loggerheads." 

Siu K. Watkin pitched into Mb. KEKn, under cover of the Captain; and Me. Hekd . ^ 

counterrsd heavily on Hut K. Watkiic, and told liim (politely, of course,— ** ar«wc/i we (/m/ci,") more accurately, by the Irish Attorket- 
he knew nothing of what ho was talking about. 

ly. J>et turn take comtort, remembering tne oia couple wno, naving graduaiiy 
the whole cycle of sects, were sublimated^ at last^ into a " twa-handed Kirk " of 
as \a9 which, however, tne gude wife, U'ing questioned, admitted she " didna feel 

ure 0* Joii.'»." 

EzziSTiJiLZ WIS q-ate 

jriTJsn -.3 tLc LfZ-rds. v» 

ihc :li =^^1* f:r tL* Ci-^rt of Final 

f Aijfcal- I: ii tn^ h wi* %^r. -ic H-3-ise of 

L:ri* ''-^ ir'-iis'L : -•: tbr Law-L>rds, 

\tzjL tiis C?sr: :i L-lt: Ai'-=4l will be the 

f Liv-Laris §tiLl : :-': i". w.V: k m^Z«J the 

Ei-^se :i LcTfti. asd "wLi:** k-A ia a 

-im#," :>: =y \jamM Kiseskxie ? 

LoJu> SftUvrsT sBMthMi d:-wa the 
. IcfttkKsof aom r»pccuUe Irdiaa officials 
he had inadTWtmtly r:rSed by his 
that tMR kftd be«n blazkiering 
in tniumi.rt amaMMBU at the haghining 
of the Famfa«. ^iiaci i« >iuite reftdy to 
believe eTerybsdy ku done, and is dmn^. 
his best, and jt^^r^^ or raiscaleiilfttioa* 
should not be too sharply scanned in sach 
an ez^enrencj. 

M2. P. larxom anivd the opsBinf ox 
Museums* Librarses. and nmikr institu- 
tions on Saadavs^ Mb. .A 7 let, his hiother 
Member iov Leicester, moved that they 
should not he opened. The pn» and con. of 
Leioestfir, oa this onestion, woald probably 
hft adMKd an over England. 

AncA is all for everything that makes 
■gaiast tha Public-house, now the sole in- 
door Baadajr recreation-plaee of workmg 
man and tksir families. Xhe Question with 
him, as with most, is whether innocent 
SundaypUy is likely to draw on mischievous 
Sunday voK. On this point the working- 
claas€s» to say nothing of the non-working, 
sssB as yet nopelessly divided. Till they 
are of one mind, whatever Mr. Punch may 
thii^ or wish personally, publicly he must 
give his vote in favour of things remaining 
as tiiey are. 

Wtdnesday was ^vi-n to Sir Kobest 
AvsmrTHER and ^ir John Barleycorn, 
Sm BoBKRT, by one part of his Bill, pro- 
poses to put Sir John under restraint— 
limiting licences to one to 700 of the 
pirpulation, and prohibiting grocers fron 
selling letis than a quart ot whiskey. Bat, 
besides this, he had clau<^^>s for intruducinff 
the Gothenburg system into any Scotch 
town that liked to try it. This would make 
ToA\Ti Councils the licensers and virtual 
landlords of the public-houses. 

But this was thought too strong, and 
Mr. Cross only consented to Second Bead- 
ing *' if all the Gothenburg clauses ware 
struck out." So Sir Robert is to be allowed 
partially to muzzle Sir John Barhyeom, 
hut not'to turn the Provost and BaiUes of 
Kennaquhair into Licensed Wittlers. 

A curious question was raised during 
the Debate. Is Scotland the *' druokenest '* 
or the soberest quarter of the United Kinr- 
dom ? Figures were quoted to prore hoBi 
conclusions. ** After facts," said the wise 
man, ^' nothing is so fallacious as figures." 

Mr. p. J. Smtth made another of the 
pre-concerted Irish Motions of the Session, 
to repeal the Thirtieth of Geobse the 

TiriRi) (17i>3), described by Mr. Sxtth as 
an Act lor prohibiting public meetings, but 

Thun Admiral Klmot steer<.'d gallantly into the uuWic^Puuvh can onh- say of these 

naval hfrocs of our Parliamentary free-iights on ships and shipping as Kelsox said of 

(Joi.LiNowrioi), 'M/M)k liow the gallant old fellows take their ships into action!"— and 

Mk. ItKNTiifrrK rammifd everything that Mew the Admiralty flag,— past, present^ and to come, 

idf of coursfi, .Mk. OoHrniKN and Mu. Childers exchanged broadsides with Mr. Waru- 

^ and '* All went merry as a marriage-bell," as it is sure to do when ships are of the 

of the day. 

Genekal, as **an Act for prohibiting 
assemblies claiming or exercising authority 
to represent the nation" — such an a^ 
sembly, in fact, as the Home-Rulers wooU 
be glad to get together on College (hesD. 

Mb. Butt said the Bill was an answer to 
the Timea^ challenge to Irish Members lor 
practical measures to xedrass Irish gzifiv- 

May 30, ia74J 



' No man in Ireland/' said Mtt. Burr, **was mad enough 

. -:•/-.,. ::t, ^ ^ ' :•-■-- ''t ^,; .-,-|-^-^ . ,-- p _i:. .,,,,^^^m 


. .;.. c-,,. .. L„. .:..:.. .o let 
h No^ no, ay coorse, y^« ^rc 
—hut Bure^ the boys ftk« to 
jiudn't \ r tilaain* -em, the orathers !] 

t hat crmLi >> Sifi. BuTT— if he wishes, at 

'* ' V ua on a outtom of his own— would be to 
1 let him have a Fvliametit of Hom«» 
rto .,. rr^n. Sorra th© stave would be laft in 

ciixoB i; iLTstshLftdy! The Bill waa defeated by 

ai. A he fnce for Ould Ireland ; and anotliw 

t lor hi art)' i:ured bv the Cotmcillort 

hig^hjy personal. Theii Lord^hipa* mr 
Sni m^Y Oai>, late Chn-ernor of th** ' 


such as s^LKing municipal bricks u t 

watenrorks, to build his own t : 
aboliili the miinioipality when 1 
' from native Rajahs, ^c. It turn 
I were trilling, and then, that the Governut 
bidding him to reeeive them. As to the 
Governor was come home, letbve-gonos ' 

ViscoiTKT MoNCK gave an elaborate 
fignres^ — of what the Irish Chnrch T' 
done to wind up the accounts of tli 
aevent€^Bn years, it seems, there will i 

regret to mv^ were 

hinationi related to 

ulements, aitaokod 

;s high-handed doinga. 

y meant for druna tiDd 

.a n>^j t^^^' qtening to 

' present* 


rule f or- 

-see : the 

-;«f© nile. 

with big 

• ^^lion has 

lenL In 

us to the 

f*>pc : meantime »;the;Commission is in debt between eight and nine 
millions to the National Debt Commissioners. 

The Commons' i>erBonality was more serious than the Lords*. 

Mr* Aijderson brought forward a yery diiagreeabl© iquabble 
between the War Otlice (under the late Gorernment) aud Lord 
Sa:xdhtjest, who acoepted the post of Commander-in-Chief in 
Ireland, after iifteen years of distinguished Indian service, and 
whom the War Office called upon to refund between £800 and £t400 
for pay and allowances reoeivea by him while off duty from sickness, 

Mr. PuN^h cannot agree with Mb, Horsmax that the compelling 
jXoBB S\Ni*nirBfiT to refund this money was *' about the shabbiest, the 
dirti " ^ immitted by any nublic department." There wa« 

Hai nt of the late Administration, in which acts just 

as sl.^. . , -.... V. ..ii less justiiication from the letter of the law, were 
aot committed, lu this case the War Office had the letter a£ the 
lloval Warranty at least, on its side. 

l^B, A having moved that Lord Sandiiuest*8 conduct 

inyolTod n of duty deserving of stronger censure than the 

return oi iiu^ iiittuey received for pay during his absences without 
leave, Lord S.o'DmmsT, conceiving and cuntending that he was by 
liis position entitled to claim such pay and allowances, the House, 
[after hearing Mr. HinDT, Mr. Hoesmajt, and Mk. CAMrBELL- 
Baj^nrrhan, very pro^rly refused to permit the Motion to be with- 
'drawn^ and negatived it without a division. 

The question whether Lord Sandhurst or the War Office is right 
in its reading of the Royal Warrant iffiould be settled beyond dis- 
pute, and no doubt will be, after this disagreeable ictairciatement. 

^Vt/Zay.— Education has so lately become a matter of Govommint 
concern that our rulers cannot yet conceive its wanting a whole 
head to look after it. For the present they hold two half heads 
better than one whole one, and prefer to leave the three R*b in charge 
of the President and Vice-President of the Comaiittee of ConnciL 
DcTicB ov lUcuMOND is an active and able official, and doesn't 
the prospect of bein|r reduced to a iirst- class veterinary 
[eon. Bo the '^ no practical inootiTenienoe " nrgnmentf m dear 
lomf BcLL in his tits of least change, prevaued : and Lord 
li>T0N*8 Motion for a Minister was negatived without a division, 
[Lordship has only stirred the straw. It remains for Dr. Play- 
_1 and the House of Commons to shake it up thoroughly, and 
len we may lind a Head i>f Education (Britain's Caput ToUi) at 
bottoTn, lor all Friday night *i* talk. 

I - I "ions Me. Hope (**fmr? /«rn Marta qmtm Mercttrio*^) 

I ', ith the House to rescind last yearN deei^on to moke 

' ,iry centre, 
1 I Isis, (Mr. Mowbrat), supported " CAium, Reverend 

I i . rather awkwardly, J rhnvnf on his double dignities 

1 1 Oxford Uaiverwty, nnd Minister of War, which don't 

■\> in this matttr 1 uirainst diJ^turbing accom- 

Town wiui :< fwn a^ usual : Mr* Hall 

' ' ' " r iiiisiug— much cheered) and Sm W. 

fun at the notion of a hundred aud 

ifl of a town of 10,000 Dons, Under- 

iBd GoUeffe servonta}, were more than 

MJRAY, aaa the Motion was negatived 

Xiiu Ilou>ts (idjoumed for the Whitsuntide recess. 


ouxr* tlieru be a 
m mt and 

gi oonipli- 

meat uiftHtlii Lord 
Himsi vM on 

^^M'^^ wiM thi^ 
< h«d in 

( iitid his 

liayiii ramily?-*- 

^ n( fji. 


TH i HtfEHS 

and the 
' iioi 


r^ A«y UMre than Ibat 

and lifht porafaifted/' 

ViWxih npbady 
can den^. Said not 
the Ci\ic Monarch 
well, Mu. MATTHirw 
Arnold? WKobut 
a Philistine as big 
as GoLLAtB 0an be 
oaf>able 0l aakkig 
which of tht two 
Royal Indies is 8we«tness and which is Light ? Of oourse the L^rd 
Mayor meant to wiy that each of them was Sweetness and iJght 
personified in her own person. So the PRDfCEss OP Wales ia Sweet- 
ness, and the Duchess of EnnnvirRGK is Light ; and the P&xaci^ 
OF Walks it Light, and the Duchess of Edutburgh 1b BireetBest, 
and each, by herself, is Sweetnesa and Light and Light and B##et- 
uess ; therefore, they twain are 8waetness and Li^ht iointly ind 
severally, seiparately and both together. It i^* as thongn, to dom- 
nare fair dames with *' darkies," Cjebul and Pompky were not only 
' berry much *' but exactly, in every particular, like one another, 
with no excess of similitude attributable either to Pompitt or to 


^ The foregoing comparis<3n is, perhaps, an undue coneewion to the 
incredulity of the freethinker, who may have the presuraptnons 
audacity to question a declaration made ex cathedra (tnongh on hia 
legs) by the Lord Mayor, In relation with Sweetness and UgKt, 
let the LoRJD Mayor be coneidered to represent Culture, 


hy 170 to 


At the dinner subsetjuent to a Visitation, held on Monday last at 
Barnstaple, by the Archdeacon of that ilk, he, Archdeacon Wool- 
combe, who is one of the Eaceter Cathedral body, received from the 
assembled Clergy an expression of . r " - -'in the ti'ying circum* 
stances ol the Reredos case at Exet i al,'' In ma reply, the 

Archdeacon remarked on the ob\.„... ^..ierence between ulegal 
images and lawful sculpture, apparently confounded in the judg- 
ment of Mr. Justice Keatino. Query :—If that judgment is con- 
firmed by the Sui>reme Court, will it not be necessary to remove all 
monumental effigies from all the Churches, and, therefore, to take 
down and cart away every one of the statues in St. Paul's and 
Westminster Abbey ? In that case there would be no making any 
distinction between works of Art, which de9er>'e to remain where 
they are, and those which everybody would like to see transferred, 
as soon as possible, to more suitable jx^sitions in the ^ew Road. 

Ainr SEjrSIBLE parent to any TKRIUBLE CttTLD. 

T*rrihli! Child. What ia matter ? 
Stnsihlc Parent. Never mind. 
Terrible Child. What is mind ? 
Senfible Parent. No matter. 


The British MMkal Jvurtml says the Tiehbome Claimant is 
employed in his prison as a Tailor* Let us hope he is not engagt^d on 
a ^ew Suit. 


It is whisjgered thati in the new National School for Cooketn^ ^ 
munificent Nobleman intends to fgwxd. ^ <s!i!k^^^ ^xv^'KS30i:e^ ^-k>- 







ArtiM (ckaning his PaletU), **UN00MMaKLY oBLiaorG Pkrsok— toitb Masteb, thc FAEicEaf I abkbd his Pskmissiok, ajsp bi 
SAR) I KiGUT Faint sty Picmmx in Tine Middlk of his Fueld, and stop as long as xvsa I liked I llosr ooirETKOi7% I must 


Sitjfalk Carter, " Wh'comb 0* coubsr, bo y* do. Wh' ykadu kip tee Ceowb off, BoMl" [Esii an Om brtfod frih. 



TflKRE *8 preacbinjr from ^jlatfonus and iijjliting oi tigiiti 
By our sisters why shriek tor *' Woman's Rights/' 
But of Punch* 9 Hjrmpathy more bolong-s 
To his aisters who suifer from ** Woman's Wrong's." 

Her WTonffs who must daily and nightly cower, 
In the BW&T of a brute with a tyrant's power, 
Who in sjiokening fear of her life must eo 
From the killing' kick and the blindinf^ blow. 

Who, with all her sex's burdens, must weep 
' Neuth the weight of all man's strength can heap 
On hacks that tneir load at his will must take. 
And hearts that, if they can't btor, may break. 

Knot well the nine tails, strand on strand. 
For the brute on a woman that lifts his hand ; 
And sharpen the olaws of the cat to tear 
His back with the pain he has made her bear* 

And more power to Coloxel Eoeeton Leioh, 
And more speed to the day Purirh hopes to see, 
When, woman's wrongs done away to b<;gin, 
Her '* rights " are all that is left to win. 


" The pen if mightier than the sword,'* In Tain 
With fiery Duke punctilious Prince is matched, 

And neoonds meet to muddle what is plain,^ — 
The paper is the only thing that 'a ncratched. 



Admiralty,— Grand transparency of **The British Fleet" apon 
paper, from a draining by Kh, Waed Huht. Motto,—'* Estiioatai 
for Repairs*" 

Bmrd of rroefe.— Allegorical design of Pliusoll in lettert* 
Motto,—'' Vtrant Wrecks!'' 

War Q/??^#.— Dissolving view of the New Recruiting Syitaru 
Motto.—'' Children in Arms Admitted." 

Home Office , — Allefforical design of the Publican Atlas Bupporticg 
the Conservative World* Motto, — '* Cervisiof cervieej** with English 
translation, '* Beer-Borne*" 

Colonial f)^fe,— Coloured inap of the Gold Coast, showing the 
White-man's forts and the Wnite-man^a graves. Motio, — ^Tho 
best of a Bad Bargain." 

Foreign 0#ce.— Allegorical design of the British Lion patting up 
his claws to t>e out. Motto,—'' Anything for a quiet life. 

Punch Ojjft'tf,— Historical Cartoon. Mr, Punch accepting th^ 
Dictatorship of the British Empire. Motton—^' What it mti^t 
come to." 

Mad Do^, or Manf 

" A Hospital Sitegeon," writing on ''Mad Dogs** to the Timm§^ 
mentions that **a Mb< White, of Brighton, who, many years afo« 
disbelieving the contagion of hydrophobia, inoculated himself with 
the saliva of a rabid dog, escaped with impunity from tha prob^l^ 
results of so rash an experiment." Perhaps hyarophobia ia tooem'' 
muni cable to the asinine subject. Or it maybe that canine madaai^ 
is incompatible with human insanity* Or, in a case of self-inocnla*' 
tion with the saliva of a supposed mad dog, the dog may not reaUf 
be mad, though the man is. 








** Km, DiKKiBLt.— There cm be but one feeling in tlie Home on the 
mbjwJl of the^ diutardly iktteoki— not upon the weaker but the fwrer lex. 
{A Am^A.) I iiffl lure the Home ihEfti the indirnfttion of my hon, fHeod 
who wiHf I Lope, cooiiidcr he ha* secured the obieclne had in Tiew by rdliiDgf 

the qneitioo, • • • Aiiuri&f my hon. friend that Her M«jc«t}''i Govern- 
mrnt will not loee ti^ht of the queetiorn, I munt a*k him uot to pr««e hli 
Motion further on the preeent oocftiion."-'/*iiH*awvinto.T^ Eav^m^ILqimUai^ 
May 18. 




hjkA ret I wv oft where the C^zi p&st by, 

In wbtt iihmikl haTe b«en re&oh of mj^f u^ ^d sij CT^t 

But whether it was that he wa« ihy. 

Or, pcrhopfl— aa an English May tU^s try 

Breit strong constitiitionB eerionBly, 

Ftlt a toQon of neuralgia in the eye^ 

It aeemed as if always, when he imsB^d by^ 

Hia head waa held low, and Ms hat held high ; 

So that aU I oould see— and how I did try J — 

Wa« a bush of white plumes against the aky : 

And when every one aaked me, eagerly, 

** md you see the Cscab ?" I could not «ay ** aye,** 

But waa forced to say ** no," decidedly. 

I O0«]d md »ay 1 saw him— how could I ?— 

WW law but the plunieii in bin scbako tly* 

TiU» ai?ter a week ot exoit«^ii«*nt hii?b, 

Eaat wind, indiirestion. and misery, 

All the wool 1 got for a preat deal uf cr3% 

AD/* quoth 1, •* I wUt aee the Czaje ere be go, 
If it cost me a oold in the head, full- flow. 
And the worst of woe in my corniest toCt 
Or the crush of a Crystal Palaoe show, 
In the bitterest east wind that May can blow ; 
Or the price of an Albert Hail first row ; 
If a Guildhall lunoh I have to stow, 
Though Hygeia to lobster and ftxz say no : 
If I sit at a window in ran or snow, 
(And which is likeliest I don't know)." 
I said. ** I will see the Czab ere he go." 
And I really meant that I would do to ! 

" I will see the Gsjle,'* it was easy to say, 

But not so easy to find the way ; 

For spend what I will, and go where I may,— 

For an Albert Hall ticket though I pay ; 

Eat a Guildhall lunch ; in the ea»t winda ol May, 

At a Fleet Street window spend most of the ^»S ; 

With Aldershot dust though I cake mjra^ giey j 

Cateh my death of oold upon GraTesend Qoaf : 

My **?ri« see the 0.k%^" alack and a-day, 

as a will, as it proved, where ther« wan't a wsy. 

Wi5 a hat not a heibd, and a plmoe not an eye* 
Nor an oar, nor a nose, nor a mouth, nor a anu- 
-ling face, nor a aad one, to swear thereby. 
That the kzLK ww & Czar^ not a hat plumed high, 
Witii a bush of cock's feathers set artfully, 
For the crowd to cheer as it whirled bv. 
With Prinoei*3 and Duchess sitting ni^U, 
To It'nd the charm which can nerer die, 
From the gracious smile and the gentle eye ? 


So, after all, I was f oroed to go. 

For t»- ii*ti- that of the G2A]i*9 looks 1 know. 

To f: and ttlustraUd, also, 

And I ' -rraph shops, where, row xk^Km row, 

The h*?fiui ut the Czar in all sizes tney show ; 

Where I feel, as his phot4>graph« calmly I scan. 

That the Okae 's an exoeedin^y gjwi-UicjkaM ^ti»3«v 

And no douU 'tv^ b^«wm.\sa^^%Vj^ffl««»^^«'^^ 



[Mat 30, 1874./ 



BY THAT 1>I»TXlfOXril>tE]3 narCII 3rOTBLliT| 



Book thb Fockth— Bilibaeuj, 

ni.—Th« U90 of CapOaU. 

TiTE Old Man muttered to bintielf 'fiih oonaolatioa :— '* No one 
knows of my arrival. No one knows my name/' 

With thin a«snj&noe the Old Man oomfortcd himself. 8aoh an 
aMuranoe was pait of Ms poHoy. 

For the last few minutes he had heard a noise, like a mstle, 
hehind him. What was it? A human bein? or a leaf? The Old 
Miin had heard of Earl Hustle, having known him as Jomr Ru»tlk* 
Therefore, he turned prepared to face a hero with a bad cold. All 
hi* saw was a placard *^ large bill, recently pasted up bj some one 
who hod run away. Was it headed ** No Popery ! " with a post- 
mark of Dorham on 
it? At first he could 
not see* One thin^ 
alone was certain, 
namelf , that he had 
not heard a John 
11l\ntle but a Bill 

Fortunately, there 
was enouj^h left of 
last yearns June twi- 
light for him to de- 
cipher the larpc print 
on the plaoard. 

It was headed : — 

** AVIS 

*^ Ilara avvi in ter^ 
rti " muttered the 
Old Man t^ himself. 

Then he continued 
reading :— 

**Enobmoxjs AtTHAC' 
Tiojil One Wekk 

WK| Manager and 
Binotor of the Grand 
Cirque Republicain» 
one and indescri bab le, 
hersbv ^ve notice 
that, having obtained 
the necessary permis- 
sion from M, Le Maire 
du Bois de Boulogne 
and of M. Le President 
dn Comity de PEtab- 
Hsaement d^ Bains de 

Alao we must beg to warn the Public against ^jxj spurioita iinit»tor 
of MAfisa Makitxe, aa a Persont calling himself Jaickb, MaiLinr Dt? 
Cbow, haa, we are Infonnedy reoentij landfld, aDecnii|Nmied hj a 
Banjo and Bones, wlueh latter are aeereted abcmt his perBon, with 
the intention of joining the opposition Circus aforesaid. Under 
these cireumstano^ and with fuU consent of and Legally empowered 
b^ Messieurs Les Presidents and Maires aborementtoned, we, the 
Director and Manager of the Cirque BepubUcain, one and indeaorib- 
able, do hereby offer the sum of 

100 Francs Bewftrd, 

real money (not a theatrical property in a purse}, to anvofii mretft- 
ing and bringing to justice the Dark Impoetor heireinberore named. 

(Signed) Paul Peiette, Du Cirque ImpiriaU* 

The Old Han slouched his hat over his eyes, and drew his cloak 
up over his mouth. Thus only the tip of his nose oould be seen . it 
was, I have said, a ncz retrauBti, Had it been the straight tip, hci 
would have been lost. As it was^ he desoended unperoeived* 

In the valley he stopped behind a boot-trt^, took off his hat, 
turned hi a wig, so as to Dring the smooth side out and the hairy aide 
in, reversed his reversible coat, put on clean collars and CuSb^ and 
resumed his way. 

The blue moon had 

Upon a sort of 
hoarding before him 
he could distinguish 
a white square, which 
was probably a notioe 
like that he had just 

As hewcnt towatds 
it he murmured to 
' **They do 

.<rtising un- 
commoni V well. But 
they ■ ve forgotten one 
thing. Pictures." 

He stopped, medi- 
tating, with one finger 
plooed at an acute 
angle to his nose. 

Where ore you 
goin* to, my pretty 
nmid ? " said a voice. 
He turned pale. 
This was beneath hii 
colour, and oould not 
be seen. Then be 
turned round. A 
man was standing in 
a hedj^e - row. At 
tirdt the Old Man 
took him to be a ser- 
vant, and the thought 
oroaMd his mmd 
"Hedgjes and But- 
ler." Then h$ 
thought he might be 
a publisher who 
wanted to nick a 
said inaudiblv to himBelf, ** Bicitwu^ 


ITlje ciktbUMo-tlic Artist civgngcd iipou the niuHtratioiiB of thU Novul h;^s been s-j ciiLirdy carricid •ll^'l*y ViV 
bifl (subject, tlmt Uobiu ggiiM lutotlko middio of iwxt wc«k. Tbo pretent out lUiutr&toB ooixiethlug Ixa 
til* future. LcN>k out t 

Mer, Boulogne- Biir-Mer^ and of MM. Les Mairea des Environs, our 
First Grand Matinee will be given on the Second proximo, when a 
corps of unrivalled Equestrians and Equestriennes will appear. Trick 
Acts and Ferfonning Ponies. Also, at the greatest expense, the 
Manager and Director of the Grand Cirque Republieain has engaged 

tt oelebratiHl English Clo^t?. Also, to give a novel effect to this , _^ ,,. _. ^ 

unirjue Performance, the Manager has great pleasure in announcing was almost his double. Then the thought tla! 
to his Friends and Patrons this side of the Channel that he has *' I am alone : single : he is my double. It is 
engaged the services of - 


the Great Original Negro Delineator and Ethiopian Songster, who 
will give his entertainment on the Bones and Baxjo, two instru- 

Nevir Betoee Heaed jy Fraj^ce ! 
Prices of admission same as usual. 

No Extra Charge, 

It having come to our ears that an English Ciroua Company has 
arrived, professing to give the same Entertainment aa above specified, 
we ptonounee the assertion to be utterly devoid of truth, and beg 
our Patrons to be on their guard against lending their countenance 


quorrei with him, and he pam ximuuiiriy i/u liUAuwu, u»vH«np 
A^I> Btrsn." Looking at him more cloBely, he saw the man was a 
beggar : an unlucky beggar to be in a busn. 

The Beggar was about the Old Man's heij^ht and age, or the Old 
Man was as near as jjossible the Beggar^s height and age. The Ola 
Man approached : this brought him nearer. The Man in the Buab 

' fiashod aorosa hia mind* 
two to one. There [ 
the rub." 

He repeated, 

** In the first |>lae<*, where are we now f ** returned the Old 1 
with an almost hauk'lity composure. 

The Beggar only replied with another question^ 


*I ask you where arc you going to, my 

The other replied, as if to a pass- word, ** Ole Joi,** 
"What! J^JoEr* 

Then these Old Men, one almof^t the exact counterpart f>i utv 
threw their arms and lec-s up in the air, and sang out simuH 
" Ole Joe kickin* up ahind and afore, an' a yeUar nl a _. _ 
ahind Ole Joe." Then their blended voices oeaeed iogellirrv 
they regarded each other curiously. 

Mat 30, 1S74.) 



IUM>W6 irl 


'' Bsor to «u THE RooHSAir Osab, mt dka^ ? K«t iv I 



PiCTUxBB QiD Sonday we mfty view 
At HomivUm Court ; miiseums, two, 
Stand <qMn in tby Gardens, Rew. 

The River, swl the Irtm Way, 
Muoh people to those hauntB coavef , 
Wh«n flimbeaiiifi upon Siuidajd play. 

There works of Katore aiid of Art 

Itistruction to the mind impart. 

WliO says that they oormpt the heart Y 

Canst thon deny that they inolint 
To gentle thoiipits, eialt, rtufine, 
O Puritan^ or Scotch DivintJ I' 

Wliat sanction can to place helong^ 

That here ^tis right, While there 'tis wrong 

To admit the Sunday gmeih^ throng ? 

Where runs the line that's diuwn by you 
'Twixt what I may and may not do, — 
Between Sontk Kensington and Kew ? 

flbcniBbiiry is. it would appear, 
WWum tlie 8a1)batarian sphere ; 
Thrt Syionham 'i^ out, do you feel clear ? 

In your own way your Sabbath keep ; 
Out of dnirch, ii not in it, aleep ; 
O'er the sad ways of others weep. 

Bot o*er na whilst yon cry and grovi, 

Pleaae leave our liber ties alone^ 

Yuii mind your souls ; we ^11 mind oar own. 

ZlMreby Hangs a Tale< 

Phbucaks of England, take warning, and beware ! 
A terrible fate seema to be threatening your Scottit»h 
brethr<au Ift the debate on the Spiriniona Liquors 
(Scotland) BIH, one of Ihe fpeakers su^tted the 
adoption of the Suspensory CLanaea, «imI Government 
adfi^fitd the suggestion. Is not thiJ rather too severe ? 
Friends as we are to temperanoe and sobriety, we cannot 
think that irregularities in the retailing of whiskey, 
or any other offenoea againat the licensiiig Aota, ooght 
to be treated as hanging mattera. 


It waa n strange vheeting. 

** Where am wa WBfw?'^ re^jeated the Old Man, with almost 
haughty Qam{»OBnre. 

"yo^awonthe sp<^ EedVyour player. In hand. You are 
monarch <rf nil you syrrey." 

** Taa. Tas ane Juo^, Mabxt Btr Cnow/' 

Jams, Majcrr Du Caow— -vt dhiH henOitolli call him by his 
name— aoMMMd gravely, " <3m qm «#»'* 

•* I hiwn ^-oies^d you/* 

**Thqrttf<ge, 1 cannot give yott up." 

"Good. What are you ddarthar^f" 

*' Beatiaf a^boBt tbe Bnsh.'^ 


^* I -han't." 

"Why not?" 

'* BecaoM I like life m tibi hush.'' 

'* Is thae mxflh lile tSian ?'* 


** If yon like life in the bush, vqu do oijt drink good wine.'' 

" True : if I did, I Aould need no hudbu" 

*' That b «o. Oood day. 1 i>ball go on to the vilhM,*' 



'*Becanse tfcc-re 'ft a fair there.'* 

'* WcU, a fair oammt U. kept dark/' 

* No. The village is called Tristesse ; or, in the Breton langnage, 

[know. Well?** 
If* The Blues are there*" 
rj will drive them away." 

" You cannot." 

'* Others are there before y<ra. But it is a dull atfair. The Great 
MasNUG has not aritv^ and the jokes of the English Clown are 
not understood-" 


The Biaa. seized his aam. ** Come with me ! " 
{To be contint4etl,) 


Whk^' ' ^" dined with the Dtnrg op CaMBRmoE, His Impe- 
rial Ma,] rding to the Court Circular^ yrii9 attended at 
QioQOester ^ousc by some Ensaian noblemen and military officers, 
iirtk i ^iig three, whoso names, itnding in **ott,*^ prdsent to the 
Britiiih ins&d a oombinafclHL of remarluihle **oif'' " ^'^ w\i, CotrNx 
ScKoirvijLorF, GFjnssAis iBOEaoFP, and Qenebai It may 
not be superflmma to asanro soma punstors, s > fearful 
prooli^ties, that Count 8cB0tnrai*0FF ii no soaveiiger, and that 
GsNaiULS SjkOLCOFF and Popoff are gallant gentlemen, who, with 
snffimecnt troops at their command, may bo trusted to hold their 
ground in the faoe of any enemy, 2ind nettlier to skulk, nor ske- 
daddle, nor by any uudigniHod mode of retreat, or with undue 

precipitation, pop m tlie field. 

fbr the FubUc. 

Omc of the carriages on a tram which was conveying the Forty- 
Beoond from Aldorahot to Fort ^^ mouth the other day, broke an axle, 
when six carriages ran off the line, to the serious damage of several 
of the Regiment. Smashing a Black Watch ought to be almost 
as etfectual in quickening Railway Regulation as damaging a 


[Mat 30, 1874. 

JrxB 6, 187i.] 






I the bruin ; 

the buU's-oye (rain ? 


ttu we Reverberatbn no great shakes ; 

Atlantio'« mane hU sixirt the jester makes : 
George Frederick haili no IIandkl to bis name ; 
And Fen d'Amour is atraw-lirts fihort-lived tiame ; 
Younj Leoline the Uon's share may R^et ; 
EooBsais in *' Bcott's lot ■' we Bhonld have met; 
Glenalmond smaoks^ too, of the Land of Caken ; 
Who AquHo calU rotirer much mistakes 
Couronne de Fer will . au- i.^- 

'Twere strange if IJou 
Tipater, perhaps^ for im- ?- 
The King of Tync miy be > 
Blantyre may turn oat wori 
Daniel should be a prophet that won't bilk ; 
Sir Arthnr yet his spnra to win has jrot ; 
Mirth ought to oome of Ma, Merky'» lot ; 
Kostrevur tiuda himself, perhaps^ at homo ; 
And Trent 's the horse for Bnrton and for Rtime* 
Were the Oiika royal 'twere but fair they fell 
To the auspicious name of Boseobel ; 
And though 'twould somewhat too much to ftTer be, 
The name mat/ be as lucky for the Derby. 
Bo take your choice of winner, little dear3» 
And don't confound your Punch with vulgar seers! 


Bbcal^se the Peixce op Wales invariably goes, and as a loyal 
subject I» of course, feel bound to follow him. 

Beoau9€ mv wife haa lerer gtme j^ Aid really, for her sake, T 
am compelled to sacrihce myself, tsai nnik* up a aaug little party 
for her MOori. 

BeoauflQ ftU the men I know ftre eertain t<> bt there, axid I ahould 
hftt^ to be in f ' ' I ' fo. 

Because I Ii late, aud I fancy that a 

d&y'a fresth aii i^ j u-i ^ itie on my legs again. 

Because 1 was pre ihero last year, and I 

promised myself then ti. ; i - Bhould iiroront me. 

Because I rather think 1 am a jfuod judge of a horse, andean make 
a pot of money when I pee them in the paddock. 

Beoause I intern! i ' i faahionable novel, and Epsom 

is nreoisely th« p)^ r, | 

TOlatite I hope t^ ix.tcL vi^c^ ijcvv^M^t utan, of whom I was so Inoky " 
M to win ten pocmds Ust JTBIT, cod who then vaniahed without | 
P«ylflgf me. I 

rot. Lxn. 

Because a friend of mi Id me that a oo>i ^ hB« met 

a man who said his sister nari neen asked to chnsif^n one of the 
*^ cracks," and, having drawn it in a sweep, I feel naturally interested 
in viewing its performance. 

Because for tli© la^t ten years I have regularly gone to both the 
Derby aad the Oaks, and regularity of oonduot is a strong point in 
my cnaraoter. 

Beoiiu^ie I rather fanoy that Claei will be there, ffnd I m<lf ebance 
perh:r ' " ■ 'r. 

1; I* ToMNonDt has very kindlv offered ma a seat 

upuii .11^ .ii»> , .tLxd his champagne is so capital that really 1 have not 
the courage io refuse him. 

dittfF <mt of Bmaitm* 

Says Billy t^ Be^— ** Ccmi petition for plftee 

We see from tb'- n-*h^^ ' Kit,.-....* ..,,„ 

Tliij hor%© with 
"But here,'' lii , 





Tht?re are some who while Punch's Cartoon they admire. 
When its foreign-hred horses and jockeys they aee, 

And it« title peruse, will be apt to inquire 
What this '* International Derby " may be ? 

Each ill-fated State 'neath the burden that cowers 
Of BoMiers and armaments one thing will own, 

That this International Derby of ours 
Is no International Derby and Joan. 

Europe* 8 Great International Derby to-day 
On the broad *' road to ruin " is run for a oourae. 

'Tia the race who the bigc-est of armies shall pay : 
And ** Deuce take the hindmost " its rule— man and horse. 

All who in that race, by that rule, try their stride, 
Whate'e? they may own to, must feci in their hearts, 

Thoug-h never so ortiiil the jockeys that ride, 
They are one and oU making the worst of false starts » 

There *s France, of her blood and her breed though she brag, 
With her temper, the best jock to steer her dehes, 

Takes each scrap of paper that tlies for her flag : 
Freta herself to a lereri bolts, Ideks, starts, and shies* 

Bee Germany rearing !— lees speedy than safe — 
Wanfi- ^li'^ «?vMr, but her blood up^ a devil to go ; 

And 1p ' - ^■' — '"■" *- ^^ ■^- -^-'- 


A wide berth France were wisest to give her, I ween : 
If the German horse cannoned against her — my eye ! 

Their late matoh, methinks, shonlu a lesson have been, — 
She 'a too light now, whate'er she may ho by-ond-by. 

As proud as a jpeaoock, as stubborn as sin^ — 

Beet the bit m her teeth, Soain all over the oi'urso* 
Wms B^ersach & pig-hettdml hrute backed to win t 
MuJe or donkej-f methinkM, craeaed with Barbary horse. 

h a big whip her withers to chafe, 

ra, intends tnat hia will she should know. 

There 's Italy^ ill-trained, ill-groomed, out of form, 
But a beauty, when once to condif i^m she 's brought ; 

With an honest jock up, who will weather the storm, 
Though his nag has to carry mor^ weight than she ought. 

Who's that raw-boned, high-stepping, Roman-nosed nag, 
Lashing out right and left, till Ware kicker " 's the cry ? 

By her jock*s stars and stripes, and his bunkum and brag, 
'Tis the Yankee horse come ** The Europians " to try, 

But nearer the post, watching our Derby crack, 
What dark horse is that, for false st^ ^ ''- too cool, 

With a look in her eye at once for war i :. 

Rough in coflt, but if points may bt; :. , i ^, uo fool ? 

That *s the Russian horse i and the old Tartar blood 
For pace and for pluck is a match for the hvsi ; 

When we come to the scratch with a horse of that stud, 
Our breed, bone and bottom, 'twill put to the t«st. 

Meantime, whUe we doubt which strange horse bears the pnltn 
For false start (^ and hark-backs, for < r.^«*^ 'V»r»noiis and kicks. 

See our Derby horse, and his jock cool , 

With light snatlle, and spur that gu \ i cr than priok^- 

For the horse trusts the jqok, and the jook tmtta the horse* 

In stable and paddock, in trial and race* ; 
Both are game to ride straight, with an eye to th«i ooume. 

And the sense when to wait, when to put on the paoe* 

And while horse and jook can this temper command. 

Foreign horses let who so will fancy tor me; 
Ptinch will back his own lot. by his own stable stand* 

In the faith that Bi7Ll*s blood still the winner wiU be» 

It is rather unusual for Epsom Races to hr rtm in Jnnr. A %^r^ 
tnsn considers it to be an unacco\int ' n : 

Dny i^ not inserted in the Calendar ai. 




{Si^ng of a Skthic Mind.) 

What becometh of tlie IXorae 
When the breath haa left his corse ? 
Uthe Koble Quadruped 
Wholly done for when he *g dead ? 

Who ooDoeives a higher sphere 
Where the Horse is not as here, 
Nor, in a superior state, 
Eimi for ttakes, and onp and plate ? 

There be Shades, with tails and manes, 
Flitting o*er Ely si an Plains ; 
Raeea in those helds of rest : 
Otherwifie they can't be blest* 

By some friendly hand released 
From on earth the Gallant Beait, 
May perchance gfo to the hounds 
In the Happy ilanting-Groimds. 

Here to dogs and beasts of prey 
Goes, alas fthe Horse's clay. 
Let that word no jest provoke — 
Say not " Horses never smoke/* 

Sure the noble atoed demands 
Funeral honours at our hands » 
Should we not his relies buru^ 
Keep his cinders in an urn ':' 

Hippooemeteriea room 
Too extensiTe would oonsmne ; 
And cremation were a plan 
Better both for Horse and Man. 

But nippophacry ne*er name. 
Horseman I'oea on Horse ? For shame ! 
Next in tiirpitude's degree 
To a cannibal were he. 

O'er a Winner*s ashes raise 
Cunning sculpture j in his praise 
Let a Poet, or a Wit, 
Write an epitai)h to tit. 

Now the Horae is &U in all, 

Talk but Horse, and Horse extol ; 

On this festive Derby Day, 

—Go, Buffoon that say'st me ** Neigh ! " 


"A SELL." 

Saacon (w}u> has not (nhn a Fish ytt). ** By Jovb f that ■« A Beaftt t "* 

Nalivf, •* A-TB, IT *S a PISK TkOOT, and lots O' them, our YX COMB Wl' 111,** 

Saxm (dilighted). " WHaaa ! Oh, whark ? " 
Native. ** The first Shop owbr by I" 


HE ^bole Duty of Dog' in to 
lore Man and to keep hi» 
Commandmentfl/* — Chris- 
loriiER North. 

Faith, Mt\ Pumh is 

puzzled : 

Should Common Conncillors 

and police be muzzled Y 

Is it not mental scabti's 

Tliat fancies in the least 

disorder rabus^ 
Tliat kU's a dog for any 

small disaster, 
ThouK'h he is nowise madder 
tha 1 hia maiter ? 

Look at this foul ex- 
Just given by a philo-cynio 
And say, ** May Heaven 
preser^'e us 
From cruel fools, of hydro* 

phobia nervous." 
Tnose who could ^ive a dog 

such wanton pain. 
Are madness- sale— from in- 
sufficient brain. 


* S«d a Templar's letter in the Timtt relating the cruel murder, by inches, 
ia Child's FUoe^ by two polio«men, of « poor maatiff suspected of rahitM, 

mastiff a strong and statelj, 
queer, ouaint pu|?s. that ladies love so greatly, 

O greyhounds swift and lissom, 
white Maltese, whose pretty owners kiss *em, 
All happy dogs, howl forth a peal of pity 
For that dear maistilf, murdered in the City! 

Not many yards away, 
Punch, E norland* 8 Socrates, so grave and gay, 

Teaches the world wise lau^bter. 
Whose happy echoes will be heard nerearteri 
Yot bratoa unutterable dt> dog-morder 
Near Tohi/s kennel ! What could be absurder 't 

Bark, Tohul Fill the air 
With sounds that shall awaken the Lohd Matou, 

Make Aldermen grow thinner, 
And sxjoil their happy appetites for dinner. 
Till thu truth 's taught to sergeant and inspector^ — 
Bog is Man^s friend, and Man is Dog's protector. 


If yoti dream that AtlanUc wins, it denotes that Arbitration will 
grow in poi)ularity, and that tn© affairs of England (with the 
single exception of the Fleet) will bo *' all at sea/' 

li you dream that TipsUr wins, it is probable that many Shop - 
boys will disappar from their Masters* premises, and will be 
** wanted " by the Police. 

If you dream that the First Liyrd wins, you may expect to hear 
of the completion of a sea-worthy Iron-clad by the end of tbe year 

If joM dream that Ecosnms wms. you may tie sure that M%^1/!W%. 
has given up his claim to be oonftvl^^T^•^.^*wt'^^Ac«^'s^- 





[Junk 6, 1874. 


1*0 UT — ti u f !H.port above 
all— U vfnerabl© for 
its antiquity- The 
history of ohariot- 
raciug, the preeiirsor 
of horae-racmif, is as 
old as antiquity. 
Traces of this sport 
may ha found in 
many ancient na- 
tions, and in more 
ancient autliors ; hut 


and other writers of 
tho ftame eiiL^B, are 
nut ttif reed aa to the 
advantage it was to 
the Oommonweah 

In Exime, JDckevs 

litood so hi^h in tnc 

locial Boale that alon? 

with horsedealers, circus-riders, and veterinary surgeons, they eomposed ona oi 

the chief orders in the State— the equestrian. 

Coming down the course of time to modem days and our own free countrVi wo 
find races established under the reign of some of our earlier monarons at 
(amongst other places) Ambleside, Canterbury, Cobham, Galloway, Hackney, 
Horsham, Horsleydown, Punohestown (under our own especial patronage), 
Runnymede, and in the Yorkshire Eidingi ; but, perhaps, there is no place 
which has known more of the ups and Downs inseparably connected with the 
turf than Epsom, in Surrey. 

Beyond its race-course and its salts, there is nothing Tcry remorkahle about 

The Derby was founded towards the end of last century ; the Oaks (the trees 
have long since been cut down) a year earlier. 

The number of entries — ^which must be made on a Spring morning in one of 
the Equity Courts— varies with the prosperity of the country, the price of 
horse com, the imports and exports, the weather and the crops, and the 
condition of the course. 

There is but one limit to the number of horses which may compete for the 
stakes— the size of the course. The time, too, is left entirely to the discretion 
of the jockeys and the horses ; Parliament, at present, not naving interfered 
either to lengthen or shorten it. 

The running horses must be three years old last birthday, and thoroughbred — 
their age duly certified by the Royal Veterinary 0>llege. and their pedigrees 
formally registered in the College of Arms. They may oe of any colour, but 
there is no instance on record of a piebald winner. A dark horse has frequently 
carried ofE the prize. 

With regard!^ to weight, fillies running in the Derby, like young ladies 
starting in life, have an allowanoe made them, which, but in this respect they 
do not resemble young ladies, they never exceed. 

The history of the Derhy in its earliest years is somewhat meagre. So that 
we have failed to find the name of the famous jockey who was yiotorious on 
Aldiborontipho9cophornw. although he rode the last naif mile with only one 
stirrup ; the amount of the stakes when that unrivalled mare, PolytpUMe^ won 
both the Derby and the Oaks in a canter ; and the exact time in which the race 
was ran when Damon and Pythias nassed the Judge's ohair nose and nose, and 
the issue was declared to be a dead neat. 

The ootmtry neople round Epsom have a tradition that a deed keat for the 
Derhy is inyariably followed by remarkably hot summer. School boards have 
onlybeen recently established in the neighooarhood. 

Who wonld not he a suocessfol jockey, and win the Derhj f A piece d 

plate, a pension for three lives, a portrait and memoir 
in the illustrated PH^rs, perhaps a pedestal in the 
Temple of Fame (Baker Street) I The Ministers of the 
Crown cannot hope for more. Bat if the jockey's 
reward is sweet imd substantial, the training he has 
to undergo is stem and severe. Early hoars at^ both 
ends of the day, voluminous dothinpr and, violent 
exercise to reduce his frame to the weight laid down 
by law, and a diet of which tiie main ingredients are 
reported to be pickles, porridge, hard-boiled Mgs, green 
salads, captain's biscuits, soda water, rice pudaing, and 
cold tea. 

Have you taken a good degree in Mathematics at the 
University F Do you possess a remarkable faculty for 
figures P Do you know all the points of a herfc P Can 

Jou ride a steeple-chase P Are you a memher of the 
ockey Club and a suhsoriher to Tattersall's ? Have you 
the liacing Calendar and the Guide to the Turf at your 
fingers' ends P Have you been prMcnt at all the princi- 
pal performances of the animals since theyfirst ran in 
public P And can you afford to lose ? Then lay on 
Atlantic^ or against Rtverheratum^ or back George 
Frederick^ or bet on the Field, or the course, or wherever 
you please. Otherwise, take PuneWs advice, and confine 
your si)eculations to the sweepstakes in the family circle, 
and a pair or two of gloves with that friend of your 
sister's in the black bonnet trimmed with yellow. 


{See recent Correspondence in •* i>at/y Newe^* and eltewhere.) 

AcLAND writes to defend JoHir Rusmr, 

Who an undermduate team hath made, 
For once, from May-term mom to dusk, in 

HiQcksey soil to set working spade. 
So very Utopian I . • • soQuixotiol 

Such is the euphemistic phrase. 
Equivalent to idiotic. 

For Athletes guided to useful ways. 

'Tis well for snarlers analytic. 

Who the art of the snarl to the sneer have brought, 
To spit their scorn at the doquent critic, 

Leader of undergraduate tnought. 
Heart of the student it will not harden 

If from the hat and the oar he abstain. 
To plant the fiowevs in a cottage Murden, 

And lay the pipes of a cottage drain. 

Why should not sympathy rise above zero? 

Our ** Younff barbarians," toiling thus. 
May bethink tnem how the unwearied hero 

Odysseus taunted Ettbyhachus : 
" (Hve me a yoke of oxen thorough, 

And a keen plough that can cut its way, 
And see who will drive the longest furrow, 

From mom to eve of a summer day." 

Pity we have for the man who thinks he 

Aoves RusKiN fool for work like this. 
Why shouldn't young Oxford lend hands to Hinck- 

Though Doctrinaires may take it amiss ? 
Careless wholly of critic's menace, 

Scholars of Rusinri to him be true ; 
The truths he has wnt in The Stanee qf Venice 

May be taught hy the Stones of Hioeksey too. 

An Attempt at Wat. 

A OOHTSMPOEABT, in aoi article on CridraL ohserves 
that "the absence of Davt's name from the list of 
players at Lord's cannot hut be a subject for eonyent." 
Conisidering the maims and bruises to which the etieketer 
exposes hunself under the modem system of liident 
bowling, a cautious Scotehmim mifht Tinlint to itmark 
that the gentlemen upon Lord's list mmt he Oiit OfViry 
one of them. 

Dx Tnro yxBiTAB.— There is advertised a wine under 
the denomination of "May fair Sherry." Is not this 
tooeandidP AU gheny is sanpoiMdt (y th* MUi»> If 
notthePabliean,to * '^ 





ay A5D aij'E. aot) only waots quiit KiDme ! '' 


J0N-B 6. 18740 





our '^ 


1 a few of the old ones too— all outlaws now 

11 LovKL» Mu.AM Nancy BeiXi 

, -. — , . .,, *.-.., ilK. ViLLiKrwa and Aw Dinah — 

I laUminfltrtii liinah— Miu SAwrKL Waix, yon Tecollect Bau 

Book ths Fo(7bth»-Biuba&lo. 

Til*: Marky looked iteadily at the Meiiiiloant. Ho regarded hia 
ragi, and a jtjk© or ' him about mend- i-oan't. lie booked it 

fuT his futiirt' tml» r 

Liatcr: ' f^i uttiv HIT Cuow. I have no hoi«0> I am not a 

T, IjftT. 1 will take j^ou to a cellur, TIuto yuu will 

ip. T^ .. . , .. vv^ you oan go where you pleaae/' 

-'Can you read r' 

**l>o you take md 
for a donkey ? ** 

" Well, if you tmu 
read, you must havi: 
aeeu that, by ffivinf 
me up, you could tiaru 
a hundred franci/' 

**Tnie- wlitn I »aw 
yuu 1 eaid^ ' I can earn 
u hundred Iranoi,* I 
have a thick fttiok ; 
oomje, let me Hide 

** But you will not 
hide me." 
I will/' 

^jThe tpot shall be 

"1 cljoaeu." 
Von would hide 
me, and yet you do 
not own a ein^Ie rod/' 

**I do nut, but 1 
have this sli^^ht pole, 
and I can make you 
into an aoher," 

The Old Man 
^rrasped Mb InuiJo 

The Mendicant 
humbly dropped big 
stiok. He saw that 
he should be worsted. 
A man who ia wortited 
is only lit for a pen- 
wiper. The Beggar 
taid to himaeLf , '* 1 
am not a wiper. I 
have no venom." 
Then he said aloud, 
"Follow me!" 

The Marky followed 

him down some old ^ ^_^ 

worn steps into a 

cellar. There were a fc<w dusty tal>b*8 sKowinjar dark stains on the 
surface. A platform at t ' ' 'V n as a cracked piano* 

Below and ui front of r i kir table, and in the 

, centre a i*aised seat. U . ^.^ „.-.-. I were on the tables. 

A dim light pervaded Uil .[In 

** Let UB aup," said tht; i^'*-^ii'ut = 

A short, stout, elderly man approaohed the Mai-ky and welcomed 
him graciously, 

** This is P.u)DioEEEN," siiid the Beggar. 

** How are you, dear boy, dear boy ? All well round the fireside, 
dear boy? That's well, that 'a well." And PADmauitEK offered 
the Marky a silver snuil-box, 

** I thought you were in London," said the Marky, 

**Late hours, dear boy— I mean early hours, kill me. Kill the 
business. I have left Lend ^ ' t* r -udon— I say I *ve left London 
for sunny France, for sunii\ ny dear boy, to see if I cannot 

establish something like the ..^ .:..ii^^liere^ near Boulogne, — 1 say 
I wi^h to start something like the old thing in the old days." 

** And this place?" 

** Is I^s Caves Nvuveaux du Ctdre. Yea, I say this plao« is Le9 
Ouvts Nrntrfaiix du Cidre, I have been fortunate in meetinjf with 

The Murky turn* d to tlie Mondicaut and aaked, ** What i« your 
name ? " 
** BatwABLo/* 

Th" \i irl'r r„r!-.,.i.J 

TJ "0 dear, ra^r^redy 1 What a Jolly young 


houjrht H mnv oi mo. 

lUack Troupo or with a t 'inine. 


Om night at EvaiiJi*»* In 

' -b of somi^thing hot, 
u the son of your 
1 >,,,. „, .. , ML.^ooted neither with a 
You mailw m** proud nnd happy. I re- 
turn tht^ compliment. 
Tvunwz ft §autfz^ 


They drank all 

Then Patmit. 
sat do\^ ' 

and Bai 


, jhl of 

\\ here- 




or ;.. 

Presently they saw 
everything going 

' *• fthleepi" 
aaid tho Beggar. 

They lay down. 
Anyhow. The Maxky, 
a life u gh ve ry t i re d , 
remained aiinking 
deeply for a few 
moments — he gazed 
lixedly at the Beggar, 
and then lay buck. 

To lie thus was to 
lie on the ground. 

He protited by this 
to place one ear to 
the earth. Througli 
hit head he beard a 
strange hu/zing. 

" I must be some- 
where near Bt Bees," 
he thought to himiielf. 

The Marky feU 

v.— ^i>iiW nnd M$' 

It was broad day- 
light when he awoke, 

A refined nature detests anjihing bKiad— even daylight. The 
Marky would have closed his eyes once more but for the Beggar, 
who said, '* I am going this way. You ^o that," 

Bili:ba&uj disap]>eared. 

The moment after the Marky rcMe and went in the direotion which 
BlLiBAitLO had indicated. 

It was that charming hour known among the peasantry aa ** the 
top of the morning." 

The insecta were aU humming. It was quite a humming-ton of 
the morning to them. The labourers were peggi^f^K away at their 
breakfast. To them, it was quite a peg-top of the mormn^. The 
dairymaid was whipping the cream. To her it wag the whipping- 
top of the morning. Such was the morning : kindly to all. 

The Marky knew the top-ography of the place, and retraced his 
stei ' 

smaller characters : — 

** The identity of Iht d^devani JAicSii* Maekt Du Caow ei^- 
IMed^ he will be iuvm^diaUly wathed. 

"(Signed) GAmioif, 

** Of the Spinnidq*^ O^rt^v^aiwniV 

tens to where^ the evening before, he had seen the placard* 
Below the signature^ "Payxl PamuR," were two other linos, in 







Troffdler (henighUd in tht Black Couniry). ** Not a Bkoeoom DiSKNOiiOKD ! Tot-t-t-t ! '* 

Landiwipiwk^ U evvhntly in the Coal Bmiiuss as mil) » ** Oh, we'll aocommodatb tou SO&UHOW, Sib, TF me and mt 'Usbahd 


** Gammon ! *' BOid tlie Marky. 

He stood still, thinking deeply, and his eye fixed on the notice. 
** Gammon ! ** he repeated. 

Then h© went slowly away. Had an^ peraon lH?en near, he might 
have been heard to mutter, in a low voice. '* And vSpinnidge." 

Suddenly the landseape became terrible. An ajjpalliiig, indes- 
cribublo tnimpeting, as of some tremendous blasting operations. 
Then, every other minute, a deep resonant *' 0^'* the uplifting of a 
thouaaod avmpathetic hitman voices in an agonised unison. Then a 
bufBting 01 lierjr meteors in the air, as though giants were besieging 
Heaven itself with furious artifices of lire. Cannon boomed in the 
itillneaa. Then fountains of tiire rose in the valley* Then came a 
dense smoke, Tlien nothing. It was sudden and fearful. Oneo 
more, and for a few seconds only, the fire blazed forth afresh with 
guiidnipled fury, Liirid lights from the dtatant empire of Bengal 
burnt swiftly and vanished. A million rockets, like onming inter- 
laced rainbows, shot into the air, and crackled to their doom. Then 
sticks fell. Then silence. The rapidity of the transition from yells 
and shouts, and roar of tlamea to Hilenoe, was awful. 

The Old Man murmured to himseLt, as he gazed upon the scene, 
** Is it the CzAH at the Crystal Pahice 'r' 

No. fle remembered that, from the coast of Boulogne, this would 
not be so distinctly visible. One thing was evident. There were, 
there had been, fireworks between the village of Tristesse and the 
hamlet of L'eau^ehaud. 

Through the bristling and wild thicket which Burroundod him on 
all sides the Marky saw a troop approaching. Irregularly, leaping 
and shouting with excitement. 

His first thought waa one of curiosity. Were they armed ? If ao» 
with what F With needles ? To be hemmed in by needles renders 
escape impossible. 

On they came, yelling, howling, shoutinfi^, and crashing throngh 
the brushwood. Snddenlv he distinguished their cry. 

** James, Mabkt Dxt C&owI Dtj Crow! Jamsh CbowI Jim I 
Crow ! " It was he whom they were hunting 1 1 ! 
(To be continued,) 

Siilkiii kii S>e Wimx, 

Born at Aimtfvilamt 1802, . Died in lAVuhrtj Ma]f 23, 1h74. 

iHur*, the great Belgtan, who was Etiglinh too 
Bv instinct, and who taught us that a h^tate. 
Although ita wealth bo amall, its people few. 
By freedom may grow great. 

Dead, after such a life as few men live ; 

Freedom waxed faint when he struck in to saTe it* 
What tribute to his memory shall we give ? 
*' Xi'Wo*, lihnni^ amttvil,** 

He knew, none better, that of liberty 

Comes happineaa, prosperity, and culture ; 
That baflled still, where thought and word go firee, 
iswoops the despotic vnlture. 

In Court, mid Cabinet, and Library, 

Wholesome and lofty inlluenci* he oonld widd ; 
Yet he was just as satisfied to see 

His Berkshire farm's good yield. 

Proud was he armed as prettx of journalists, 

With pen for lanoe, in honour's stainless armonr, 
Yet just as prond to enter the home-lists 
Ab a keen English farmer. 

Farewell, clear thinker, absolute logician. 

Whose words and works shall long in memory dwell ; 
To prove the freest happiest was your mission^ 
And yon fulfilled it well. 




Ik Picture Exhibitions, the observant spectator is struck by 
fact that works hung on the line are too often below the mark. 


JnsE 6, 1874.] 



'^:,-.v^ \%-. V:- 



[June C, 1874. 


Lo, how the Wclchcrs do abound 

On every side of me ! 
Another Derby Day comet round, 

Which here we are to see. 
Kow this yearns Race will soon be run, 

And, my friends, how fast 
Has been, besides, full many a one 

Between it and the last ! 

Ah. who, although he stands to win, 

Bat waits with anxious heart, 
Lest he should lose no end d tin. 

And trembling bides the start r 
My Book although I 're tried to make 

U^n the surest plan,* 
It still may move a great mistake. 

So fallible is Man! 

But hold, my tongue ; be still, my lips ; 

From moral talk refrain. 
On aught, except authentio "tips," 

Reflection is m Tain. 
Upon the Future they that choose 

May stupid thoughts bestow. 
Which horse will win, and which will lose, 

Is all I want to know. 

XiOat Labour. 


Tcnorc Lrggurn. ** Dont you PERCEIVE L QBlAT InpnovEMBNT IN Till WAT 
I rRoDucE iiv i*/.4Ao Notes r* 

Temre Rohuifio. *' Well, you rRonucE them so rjiEciovs piano that 1 can't 

that' A AN iMrUOVEMENT !" 

AxoiTG the ca«es in the Court of Bankruptcy was 
reported, the other day, the '* Bankruptcy of tbe 
Claimant," which, one would suppose, had hy this time 
wound itself up. Its further nearine, however, has 
been adjonmca to the 29th instant, when Ortox is to 
bo brought up for' public examination. Would it not be 
an economy to proceed no further in this business P 
Lawyers must be paid; Mr. Orton*s assets are less 
than nothing ; and you cannot get blood out of a post. 

Reverend Fathers akd thkir Soxs.— The Festival of 
the Sons of the Clergy was held as UHual, the other dav, at 
St. Paul's. Is it possible that some time hcnoe a solem- 
nity of the same name will be celebrated in St. Petcr*8. 


Those who think that Knglish people take their pleasures sodlr, 
should go and spend Whit Mimday upon Ham])Atead Heath. 
The donkeys, it is true, liave rather a sad time of it ; but, with 
this exception, the faces to be seen there are generally cheerful. 
Hampsteud Ilaces certainly are funnier than Ascot, though they are 
not quite so fast. There is none of the excitement of the running for 
the Cup, but there is the amusement of the running for a pot of boer, 
and tossing who shall pay for it. Chicken and champagne are not so 
common upon Hampstead Heath as on the heath of Ascot, but appe- 
tites are