Skip to main content

Full text of "Punch"


Presented to the 
LIBRARY of the 





: 'j goirBi, 




JULY 3, 1869.] 




" T WAS obliged to ask you to meet me, MB. PUNCH," said the EMPEBOB, " and this was about the only place where 
we could meet without fear of listeners. Deign to accept my apology for having asked you to pull out into 
mid-channel in such weather." 

" Don't, mention it, MAJESTY. I am the Old Salt of the Earth, and shan't melt in the sea. I am at your 
Majesty's service, so far as that is consistent with my devotion to Balmoral." 

" Would I injure your admirable balmorality, my dear friend ? You will confer a benefit on all Europe by 
advising me at this crisis." 

" I advise your MAJESTY to light up." 

" I imitate you iii this, and in much else, MB. PUNCH. And now to business. ' No man of many words am 
I,' as our friend Du MADKIEB saith. You have noted and considered my Elections ? " 

" Habeo, Sire ; which is Latin for, I have." 

" And what do you deduce." 

" A Fact and a Lesson." 

"The first?" 

" One half of France, and that half which contains the Brain, has nnmistakeably pronounced against Personal 
Government. You see, Sire, that some personalities cannot be tolerated by civilised society ? ' 

" You put things pleasantly," grumbled the EMPEBOB. " But the fellows on my side don't want cleverness." 

" I should say that they did not, Sire. They must have a good stock in hand. For they never use any. 
Even the work of managing your elections with reasonable decency very few of them have done. Half your victories 
are moral defeats. But never mind that. You have out of the 290 men in the Chamber 913 of your own to 77 liberals, 
42 real, 35 red. Are those the figures?" 

" Are you ever wrong ? " 

" Never, Sire. I way take that slight credit. Well, your President can frown on the Opposition, and stop any 
mouth that is uttering disagreeable things, and a majority of 136, like a certain coramination, 

" Ce cher Byron." 

" Answers every doubt so eloquently well." 



[JULY 3, 1869. 

" Wee, Sire. But there is another passage in the writings of that misguided party but meritorious poet, and 
though the splash of these infernal waves interferes with the effect of my elocution, I take leave to recite that passage 

" Still, I'KEEDOM, still, thy banner, torn but flying, 
Streams like a thunder-cloud against the wind, 
Thy trumpet voice, though broken now and dying, 
The loudest that the tempest leaves behind." 

" I am not given to sentiment, Sire, but it is liked on the Continong. Will you extract my meaning in the 
above recitation ? " 

" I understand." 

" Why then rejoice therefore, Sire, as the Divine WILLIAMS observes. For I credit you with meaning well. To 
understand where one is, and to intend to act rightly, be twain steps in the road to honour. I believe I am spoiling 
True THOMAS of Chelsea, but he loves me and will pardon." 

" Have you visited the French Gallery in Pall Mall?" 

" Aye, Sire, and with pleasure." 

" On the East wall is a portrait of a Boy." 

" A princely Boy, Sire, and you desire that years hence the catalogue that describes his portrait should call him 
what his father is now is called. Bern teteyi ? " 

" Acu." 

" He will be Emperor over free men, Sire, or no Emperor at all." 

" Bridge the space between fact and lesson, MB. PUNCH. You say half, and the half which ought to have 
Ascendency is my enemy. Am I to throw the gates open to him ? " 

" Do you prefer that he should batter them open ? " 

" Batter," gaid the EMPEROB, with a kindling war-glance that swept the Boulevards. " I had an Uncle." 

" They say so at St. Helena," said MB. PUNCH, kindly. " Come, Sire, you are a better man than he, and too 
good for thoughts like those. If a nation cannot be governed without a constitution of cannon, it is not worth 
governing. Do you believe that of the France you have recently discovered to be noble ? " 

" I am bewildered," said the EMPEHOB. " Holdfast is a good dog, as your proverb is." 

" There was another dog, Sire, who wanted more than was good for him, and so lost all. Our WILLIAMS has 
said, ''Tig better using France than trusting France,' but on my honour, MAJESTY, I think you might act on the 
opposite rule." 

" And trust France ? " 

" Half of which yes, Sire, in spite of that. Because France, which is generous, would then begin to trust you. 
Conquer France, Sire. Nobody else can do it. It will be a grander campaign than any of your Uncle's, and it will 
have neither a Moscow nor a Waterloo." 

" I will think about it," said the EMPEKOB, moodily, turning away his canoe and raising his hat. 

" Don't think too long. Sire," cried MB. PUNCH as His Majesty departed. And read to your young Prince my 




Bfi : r n 

I H Au.H.r. <l ! 8T W ,C- Cnofc b. 


: 11 S.I.IT,. 




















Poor Puny (in riotnt agitation). " COCRHFD YESTERDAY, *xo HI'KTED THE BAT 



Tis not because she dresses well 

That I admire Miss BROWN : 
Let otber tongues her toilettes 

I cannot note them down. 

Nor is it from her talents that 

My admiration springs ; 
Although I hear that she can 

" tat " 

As sw.eetly as she pings. 
'Tis that no other charms she 'U 


Tlum thosi' !>> nature grown: 
Her cheeks are paiutles*, and hyr 

I 'm told, is all her own. 


THAT it betrays a vulgar mind 
to carry a parcel iu the street, 
e*i>fi-UUy if it be wrapped up iu 
a jmve of newspaper. 

Tluit if you are seen running, 
as though really in a hurry, you 
must certainly lose caste, and 
that nolxxly worth knowing will 
take notice of you afterwards. 

That something dreadful must 
happen if you leave your gloves 
at home, although the weather 
is so hot that you cannot bear 
to wear them. 

That if you are a lawyer you 
will lose all your best clients 
should you carry a blue bag, but 
nobody will be offended at your 
carrying a black one. 

A NEW SAW. Industry ia the 
parent of Idleness. 


WHO ought, when all n, to bare 
painted the Susaex Downa near 
Brighton t 

Kvidently VAN DYKE. 

N.B. There Is no proof that 
VAN DVKI erer wai on the 8u- 
ex Downi ; but there it * " Dytt 
Van " which goes there regularly 
In summer. 


BILL Carrot said, " See them 

two font 
Them there'! both femaka, 

Ulster ; 

A pilchard the In this here dub : 
That 'ere ' her 'errin' sister." 


IT fish can judge of space, l it 
supposed they do so by the rod, 
pole, or perch? or, if musically 
inclined, do they sing "I'd 
choose to be a dacey " t 

terribly bald." said a critic, after 
hearing a new overture. "Bald, 
eh?" remarked his Iriend. " 
suppose you mean to say th at good 
airs are rather scarce in it ! " 

ftoffrapAy. Name a bigger Isle 
of Dogs than our own. New- 

IN a domesticated state do 
hares sit upon chain as well as 

Asa leopard cannot help being 
spotted, is it possible for him to 
conceal himself? 

the Social Science Congress " On Women's Rights." The 
ladies unanimously agree that their wrongs are innumerable, 
and resolve to demand complete redrebs on every change of 

EPITAPH ON COCKLE. His PiUmmaire is ended. 


Tom. Let 's keep a diary : where one down sets 

All that occurs, my MART JANE 
Mary Jane (impromptwnuly). Oh, Ittt '* ! 

AMI-8EHEXT8 FOR THE FAMILY ClRCL.-A pastime occa- 
sionally practised at the domestic board is that of divina- 
tion by tea or coffee-grounds. ZADKIEL might adopt this 
instead of Astrology, which, his blunders must convince the 
most credulous, is entirely groundless. 

HA vi pigs been known to lend their spare ribst 




" SWEET-CHEEK " was a pretty term of endearment a couple 
I hundred years ago. It might be revived with appropri- 
.teness ; for not only are the cheeks of our young ladies 

Siite aa sweet as those of their ancestors, but to do some of 
em justice, their characteristic is of course the nicest, 
tut still cheek. 

ZOOLOGICAL. Naturalists tell us that such a thing as a 
douse is not now to be found on the Catskill Mountains. 

THEATRICAL. Not the least important part of the ma- 
hinery of the modern stage is the lever de rideait. 

HOLMAN HUNT'S picture of The Pot of Basil were all over 
London, a sporting friend, up from the country for the 
Derby, inquired who Basil was, and how much he had won. 

BY A COMPOSITOR. Novelists have no hesitation in say- 
ing that AUGUSTUS imprinted a kiss on ANASTASIA'S fair 
cheek. By way of a change, how would it sound, if they 
were to say stereotyped instead of imprinted ? 

TOAST AND SENTIMENT. The bank that no cheque will 

is fond of fine words. The other day she gave warning, 
When asked the reason, instead of the usual answer that 
she wanted to better herself, she said that she wished to 
ameliorate herself. 

HADLEY was the Inventor of the Quadrant. ASTLEY created 
the Circus. 

AN IMPOSSIBILITY. Hanging out clothes on Shepherd's 


THE following Crimea and 
iffences may be committed with 
mpuiiity, and without fear of 
consequences : 

Killing time. 
Murdering an air. 
Smothering the feelings. 
Stifling a laugh. 
Strikinga balance. 
Forging an chors . 
Picking your steps. 
Stealing- a kiss. 
Coining money. 
Poaching eggs. 
Breaking into a gallop 
Trespassing on the attention. 
Beating- carpets. 
Cutting jokes. 
Shooting Niagara, and 
Setting the Thames on fire. 

SIONH. The county crop is now 
reaped, ami fields arc open for 
unproductive labour. No griat 
brought to the treadmill. 

SURE TO BE So. The result of 
all the nonsense that has been 
talked about the " Two Sexoi 
of Man " is. to make one dis- 
like more than ever masculine 

It may not be generally known 
th'tt all our ottriheiiware came 
originally from one place Pots- 

CULINARY. Many epicures aro 
of opinion that cooking by g-is is 
not xinfavourable to gastronomy. 

FROM WINDSOR. Are you a bad 
aleepcr? Always wash your face 
before going to bed ; it ia an ex- 
cellent Sooporific. 


WHEN is a door not a door? 

Of course, when it 's ajar, you '11 
way. Not at all. The answer ia, 
When it 's a Jack Daw. 

And, apropos of Jack Daws, 
where sin mid you say was the 
link between the bird and the 
fish ? 

It ia supplied, it appears, by 
tho Jack I);tw on one side, and 
the Juhn Dory on the other. 

Chasseur (Frtnck). '* MAIS, NOW, MOS AMI ; I SALL VAIT TILL HE STOP!" 

MY uncle was six feet two. 
He used to take me and BILLY 
(my brother, arcades amlto twins 
both; aged eleven), out fora walk. 
He improved the occasion educa- 
tionally by telling us how we 
three "illustrated a dactyl. He 
would playfully walk before us, 
and say, " Now, here it ia : a 
long followed by two shorts." 

PROP, whose head just now is 
full of Ireland, says the doctor 
tells her there is something the 
matter with the Irish of her eye. 

HAS it been noticed that ladies 
who like long trains are partial 
to the outskirts ? ' 

WHY would you expect most 
^iirdt-ners to be proud ? Because 
they are taught Haughty Culture. 

OH ! OH ! If you wanted to 
write a grand poem like MILTON'S 
Paradise Lost, what lozenges 
ought you to eat by way of ob- 
taining inspiration ? JFpic-cacu- 

Why is a great Saint's day in the 
Roman Calendar a sore point to 
touch upon with Catholics ? 
Because it is a Festa. 





HAHNEMANN and PRIKS.SNITZ, mad on homoeopathy, and 
also on the water-cure, maintains that an infinitesimal doso 
uf mountain dew is tho -jure, for cataract. 

A TRAVKU.LR'S OBSERVATION. The Ameiicans say our 
likes nre fine, but theirs arc (nntaUon finer ray, ttey 
insist that they beat all in the wurld in this respect, because 
they h-ivo 011= which is S'ipc-rior. 

A COMMON COMPLAINT. Young clergymen whose newts 
a>-e in their work often suffer much when ftmt they ddrcm 
their cougrrgiti<Jin The ciuse U well known fnlfii- 


ODD tish, in.-'ndiug pike and tish. Broth of a boy, 
moektail, and I' soup II !mn< 
and cold slinuldrr l'h'<ps an.l 
cbHiigu-<. Ducks mid dniki-s, .md 
>'a -rh lian's. liMiK'-l i.\\-l 


.s, aud fair g.tinu. 

ain a '. Hot 

and Al>ril I' 


's :ind tlum 



tillilo iv.TV 
H:M.* n and l 
IvlU ;n i IVriiham Hyi- 

S.,!l V uf till' Nil.-. I ' ik 

alu. I'ilPltins and chei ' I 

Ki-uit-i of tin- Kl-'rti'in. innl- 

dl'T^. ulivr 1. allrl:r~, a;>|'! 
tile 1 VadStM.i-lirrry I i).", ( . 
and lelnnns, ( il\ j.linn-., i 
jam and yaim- }>rt->cr\-.'~ \\ n 
from the wnol and spirits frujn 
the deep. The whole to . c.iu-linlc- 
with T . SM! ,. r water, and weeds 
in tho j,'inli-ii 

THKIIK an- two pi.|-i".i . in tho 
life of Man. at wliieli tic i- t,.! 
wise to U-ll W.. man tin 
truth: when lie is in luve and 
when he isn t 

It S,:iT ( 't \'"!i ,;,' ! adopt, "I, :! 1 
Sjiinsters ^ t \ot,'s, ha.v \eill tliev 
like to be called Uallot Girls '.' 


SOCIETY. What is the iviati. .n 
of the .Saxon and Celtic- c 
the Derby? 

PROVERBIAL riii'osopnv. Do 
not kill the Golden Calf for its 

CHIT-CHAT. Girls' talk. 


WHAT sort of a uUtnc-3 U 
" Musical Pitch"! 

Will some sportanan tell us 
what "double gunny lg " aret 

What an " Matrlnxnial IXmii- 

Is " Zoroaster " a flower ? 

What Is a " portable ux-tall ? * 

Isa "cotton gin "Intoxicating? 

Where do "literary laurel." 

Can you steer a Teasel by the 
" compass of the rolce t " 

How much is "The Village 
p -.i.-l 

acquainted with I! ;, d Ante- 
dlluviau BcssWoM'f 


'.II Papa'! COIlt 11,1:1 r,,,l\ 

i Gtorgt. " UM ! HE'a A GOODISH TOPP'D 


How ii vc.i- I. IKK MY NEW HORSE, GEORC;E?" 


A JUST TmBfTK. W..meii are 

i.onest. We firnily believe 
thxt'the only female In tlii num- 
try who likes to be in debt is 


Smoxo MOTIVE Powra. Tbcro 
. ec]ual 

to that of the IW--r Kiinine in IU 
poorer of eleTating the luusea. 

. ' Uncovered 

byOKIMALDl ll.n the pecu- 
liar sppearaiKM of the Cluwu' 

of IlumHn Kindness owes no- 
thing tn the Cow with the Iron 
Tail. Its croam Is no cream of 

A FALSE ALARM. When you 
fear your m-'.v t.---th are coming 
o'lt. i'dt ihc-y don't. 

ERATION." Singing Comic Songs. 






IN and about the Honeymoon, 

Young Love in his fever gloweth ; 
He waxeth fast, he waneth soon, 

He cometh, and he goeth. 
Young Love hath wings that fiout his legs, 

And soareth, Life unheeding ; 
Young Love is the goose with the golden Eggs! 

And soon he lies a-blceding ! 

The road is red with roses sweet, 

That leads you to his Dwelling 
With shoes of swiftness on your feet, 

And Joy there is no telling ! 
And each a cap about the brow, 

But ne'er the Cap of Knowledge : 
The Cap of mnny Bells I trow. 

Fits best in Young Love's College ! 

He weaves his bandage round your 

He casts his blindness o'er you, 
That you may dream all Paradise 

Doth stretch away before you ! 
Ard dreaming each the other blest 

With Love's own wings behind yi 
You dare the Parson do his best 

For aye and a day to bind you ! 

For all a month He bids you fain 

Go feed among the Posies ; 
And hides the Padlock and the Cha 

For all a Month of Roses ; 
And gives you nought to care about 

But Love, till Truth be minded 
That you should find each other ou 

And be no longer blinded ! 


A JB O R A K. E 

L CK FOR 1809- 


(> Love ! that all the best of you 

lie over with the wooing ! 
O Wedlock ! All the worst of you 

That there be no undoing ! 
lt\ Hey! Ho! and Welladay 

Fur ^ mith and Love, and Honey ! 
It's Hcigho I and Workaday 

For Bread and Cheese, and Money ! 

"_O Dream of Dreams ! O was it worth 

" The pain of this our waking ? 
" O what is there of balm on earth 

*' Can heal us of our aching? 
" () Love is he dead before the Prime, 

" Love that was born so newly? "... 
Poor Fools, go pin your faith on Time, 

And Time shall tell you duly. 


Weep not, poor Foojs, nor hold aloof! 

Take up your chain together, 
And earthwards) pad the wandering hoof 

That brought you fooling hither ! 
O Help each other, and share the load, 

For steep the pass and thorny, 

For Time that scorned love's earlier ways, 
His mellower secrets holdcth ; 

These, living out our length of Days 
We learn as Truth unfoldeth. 

Who knows but in a year or two 
That Love may have the kindness 

That leads you thorough from Love's Abode To come without his wing* to you, 
To Life, and rouijh the Journey t And holpen of his blindness? 








Biano. " OH, CHARLOTTE. HOW CAN vor STAY ,v no nll , HOME EXERCISE. 

CtoriQft*. "WELL. HAVEN'T I BEEN TAKINO VIOLEVT EM'SF" A I v'p"' 1 ' 1 ' 01 ' DAV? WE>VE " AD SUCH A Jou ' Y Loxo WALK -" 








Pnultnt Afort-o/ thoroughly well brotight-up Marriageable Daughters, to the new and well-connected Curate. "I AM MOST HAPPY, DEAR MR. CECIL N'EWTON, TO FIND THAT Y< 






* Y 




PROVERBIALLY So. A young lady's taste in pootry is not 
aVways unexceptionable. When you seo pile "f books im 

her tiblo, you km>\v pn-tty \\-ell what, will ! Trrrr K in '. 

(For ( Use of School!.) 

Possum. A creature in the 
forests of America, and a \erl> 
in the Latin Urammar. In its 
first character it gets up a tree 
when you 'ro passing. In its 
second it puts any one up a tree, 
who can't manage to parse. 

Posset. Imperfect subjunctive 
of Possum, and very nice with 
treacle and sherry when 3 
got a cqlit. 

Amo. I love, only in Latin, but 
'tis nut much of a mot in another 
language. Amnri is the infinitive, 
meaning to love. As you read 
this book at tier, and sigh out 
that the Latin ways 
that if you want " to love," it 
must bo A Mani, hand he]- MJ-. 
Punch'* Almanack, ami let her 
therein read your honumai'le 

CHARADE. My first is part of a nrm, my second to a 
later, my third is a musical instrument, and my whole to 
nonsensa. Conundrum. 


had words with your wife she 
rejects your advice, or disputes 
your authority she walks out of 
the room, shutting the door with 
unnecessary violence which of 
SHELLEY'S Poems does she make 
you think of by t'jat act? The 
'Revolt of Islam. 

A RIPE THOUGHT. It is a mis- 
take to talk of the decline of the 
stage. The British Theatre is 
now in perfcetiun with its mcl- 

WHERE a sale is divided into 
alphabetical lots, undur whieh 
letter would three gallons" of ink 
come when knocked down by the 
hammer? Ant. A big ti-lot. 

HALVES." Schoolmasters. 

Catch Club. 

NKW PROBLEM. Can COLENSO, or somo other gn*t arith- 
metician, UU u. If one Swallow do* not make a Summer, 
how many will T ' 


C. WHAT to the difference be- 1 
tween a Surgeon and a Wltard ? . 

A. The one to a Cupper, and, 
the other to a Sorcerer. 

O. Why to America like the act 1 

A. Bcaueittoaroomy-nation. , 

C. Why to your pretty Cousin 
Uke an alabaiter raut 

A. Became she Is an <Aj-t di 

O. How to It that a man born 
in Truro can nerer bo an Irish- 

A. Because he alway to a Trie- 

O. Why la my game cock like 
a bishop t 

A. Because he has Us crows 
here (cniur). i 

Bvu-Drivtr (12-30 P.M., in a hoarse vHtper). "I'M LIKE THE PILGRIM o' Lovr, HIR!" 

Prosaic Patiengtr (ttartltd\ "LIKE THE WHAT?" 

Bus-Drivtr. " PILGRIM o' IXJVE, SIR ! 'No REST FOR ME srT THE GRAVE . . ,,.,;;; 

[^nti then he explained Aow he '<J been on the box from 9 m the Morning, m 

horsr.', and rheumatic! in both thoulder-bladei ! ^___ 

MARCH. High winds may be 
expected. Tiles blown off house, 
become projectiles. N B. It to 
better to have a billycock on 
roiir head than a chimney pot. 
Much insanity this month. Slatea 
loose in the upper storey. 

The molt bashful girl we ever 
knew was one who blushed when 
she was asked if she had not 
been courting sleep 

Hour. LATINO. Why isa dnma 
written by a couple "f collabora. 
teurs like pitch? Because it is 
by two men (biJu-mn). 

IT a redbreast comes into TOUI 
fruit garden, does he come then 
a robbin ? 

.RiK-follow-Liddell-lol de ray. 


Ladies use. 


.]. \NUAHV !), 18C9.] 


^"' >1P 
^6 He 


^TUESDAY, December^. The House of Commons sat but for one 
*- golden Lour, and did nothing but cheer the Ministers, and issue 
some writs. But mark you now how the hand of a great artist shall beat 
out that gold, and give you a lonesome and important article. The 
Kid, is that the nation hassetupsuen a clamour for " a lot of Essence," 
as the nation inelegantly puts it, that we cannot deny it such a New 
Year's Gift, the less that it will get no more until Wednesday the 
2 ! i h February. 

Fact is, Mr. Punch had some doubt whether it would be prudent in 
him, as the father of a family, to resume this Essence at all. For he 
had been so horribly frightened, ever since the Reform Act passed, at 
the terrific warnings of those who called it a Revolution, that he slept 
for weeks with revolvers under his pillow, and only discontinued the prac- 
tice because they slipped down to his toes, and went off in the night to 
the discomfort of his household. Chaff the new Parliament, he thought. 
Never. And he beheld in his mind's eye furious mobs electing savage 
UANTONS, and MARATS, and ROBESPIERRES, who immediately formed 
themselves into a dreadful tribunal, erected a guillotine in Bride Court, 
and brought out Mr. Punch to look through the National Window. 
Doubtless he would have met his fate with decency, but to say nothing 
of his much preferring not to die at all, consider his life assurances. 
which would have been vitiated by his execution. He shuddered, and 
resolved that there should be no more Essence. 

Then he hid himself, (as it is all over now, he doesn't mind saying 
that it was in the least likely place in all England to be searched, the 
abandoned lighthouse on the top of the hill in the enclosed gardens at 
Purfleet) and made calculations. He discovered that the Reform Act 
would add one Million to the electoral rolls. As this fact flashed upon 
him, he became so dreadfully ill that it required all the kindness and a 
great deal of the champagne of the excellent hotel at Purfleet to bring 
him to anything like a comfortable state. 

But he held on somehow, until the elections began. Then, unable 
to behold any frantic mobs, except through the mind's eyes of some 
of his contemporaries, he gained a little courage, and abandoned his 
fears of the National Window. But he said to himself in a legible 
whisper, " They are going to elect men like the leaders of the Reform 
League, pretentious, stuck-up folk, of that detestable class that can 
neither give nor take chaff, or of that more detestable class that can 

only give and can't take it." And then he thought of a majority of 
Forcible Feebles having him pulled up to the bar of the House of 
Commons, and asked how he dared smile at the Representatives of the 
Millions. " I will never go down on my knees and ask pardon," he 
said, with a revival of his gallant spirit. " I have too much pluck, and 
respect for my silk stockings for that." But whether the Essence 
should be written or not bothered him, and he asked counsel of friends, 
who talked to him the usual nonsense of Friends in Council not 
MR. HELPS'S, who are the wisest and most delightful councillors he 

The Elections were over, and again he fled away to his lighthouse to 
consider the returns. You should have seen him come smiling down 
the hill, and along the road to order another banquet. He struck the 
stars with his sublime head. A Revolution. You be disestablished ! 
A Revolution, you disendowed fool! Nothing like it. A Capital 
Good Parliament, whence he deplores sundry exclusions (as MILL'S. 
ROEBUCK'S, and BRUCE'S) but composed for the most part of good 
men and true, of all parties, but with a great majority pledged to 
support his friend PEELIDES. Educated, wealthy, some titled, all 
vowing to be governed by no ignorant constituents, but by a resolution 
to do justice to all men. And the average age of a Parliament-man in 
1 369 is Fifty Two just the age that a wise man ought to be until he 
becomes fifty-three. That last fact settled him, ana he swore that the 
Essence of Parliament should appear again, and like old VanihalL 
with fifty thousand additional lights, every week. And he pledged 
I to do it, too, and took the pledge in Burgundy. 

Which pledge the former, he now proceeds to redeem, and wishes a 
Happy New Year to the nation in pledge the latter. 

As hath been said, the Conimons met, and the newly re-elected 
SITAKER took the Chair, which means, sat down in it. Took has 
various meanings, for which see Tools 's Dicertiom of P*rley, and you 
will not find them. 

The Ministerial benches were about half filled, out'this must not be 
taken as ominous of ministerial half measures. With Falataff, we 
hate an unfilled can. But what would have been the use of a large 
attendance ? There was nothing to do. Why should men spoil their 
Christmas holidays ? Echo answers with a profession of inability 
to make a satisfactory response. There were very, few Opposition 



[JANUARY 9, 18C9. 

Members. Why should they have come, when there was nothing to 
ippose, except a beestly driving small ram ? 

MR. DUNDAS took the oath (we 've only one little oath now) and 
lis seat for the Orkneys. These are islands of the north, and were 
;alled Orcades by the Romans, but they were known to the ancients 
>efore the circumnavigation of Britain by AGRICOLA, who, as his name 

implies, having been a husbandman, easily learnt to be a navigator, and 

might have made railways, if he had thought of it. 
MR. GLADSTONE, Premier of England, and Member f9r Greenwich, 

was loudly cheered on his entrance. We shall always think the better 

af Greenwich for having made such good use of its new franchise, and ; 

shall be happy to show our satisfaction by accepting any invitations to j 

meet pleasant people at either of the great fish-houses. By the way, 
here has been a plentiful lack of imagination in the Greenwich cooks 
ately, and we hereby order them to invent a Sometliing a la Gladstone, 

and let it be an excellent good thing, and let us have no humbugging 

with old enemies under new names. Somebody says that Punch is a 
acclaimed Epicure. So he is, but where did EPICURUS place pleasure ? 
ii virtue. And is there no virtue in a good dinner ? If not why does 
t or what is meant for it and never is precede an appeal for a 

Charity ? Away, and vex not thou great Punch's mind With thy shallow 

wit, Vex not thou that creature's mind, For thou canst not fathom it. 
Various Ministers took the oath, but the Right Honourable JOHN 
BRIGHT made affirmation strong as kiss of Holy Writ. This reminds 

us of an American story, which has nothing whatever to do with MR. 
SRIGHT'S case. A poll-clerk, fancying from a voter's hat that he was 

a Quaker, asked him whether he would swear or affirm, to which the 

voter, in a pleasant manner, replied, that he was disendowed if he cared 


On a new writ being moved for the County of Louth, which is, we | 
jelieve, somewhere in Ireland, but we should be louth to say we know i 

where, up and spoke 

The LORD BURY, son and heir of the EAUL OP ALBEMABLE, the 
Jord of Ouiddenham Hall. This frightful Revolutionist (mind you, 

we don't like it ; read CARLYLE, and see how at the beginning of the 
French revolution certain young aristocrats who had been in America 

and LORD BURY has been in America, and we dare say will declare 
hat he is very happy indeed to have been there began proposing to \ 

abolish old customs Bury, too that has a funereal kind pf sound) ] 
ihis frightful Revolutionist, we say, inaugurated the destruction of all ' 
ihings by complaining of the inconvenience occasioned by the law 

which compels the re-election of those who take office under the Crown. 
Se thought he should venture to move, hereafter, for the repeal of j 
;hat law. 
Between ourselves, the rule, very proper when Sovereigns were I 

more despotic, and could force a Minister on the nation, has become 
simply a foolish nuisance, when Ministers can hold office only by permis- 
sion of Parliament. But then it was made in the days of the good y i E EN 
ANNE, and it would be disrespectful to the sainted memory of MRS. 
TKUEMAN to repeat it. Besides, if you begin abolishing, when will 
you leave oil'? It is clear that the spirit that would abolisli an old rule 
merely because it is useless and mischievous, would abolish the Throne 
and the Altar, nay, the very Precession of the Equinoxes. The House 
of Commons said nothing to the titled Revolutionist, but let us hope it 
thought the more, like the Welshman's Bubo, or Owl. 

More new writs were issued, including one for South Derby, where 
the vacancy has been caused by the second demise since the general 
election. Eight more of the Administrators have got to issue 
addresses, take long journeys in vile weather, make speeches, and 
come home again, in obedience to the law of the good MRS. Tiu KM s\. 
Her correspondent, DUCHESS FREEMAN, would tell her, if they lived 
now, that the law was nonsense, and if SARAH didn't put a strong 
word, such as disestablished, before the noun, her manners would be 
shown to have mended in Elysium. 

Nextly, we had some Notices of Motion, but they were'mostly given 
by new Members, whom the gentlemen in the gallery had not seen 
before, and of course were not bound to know. There is a vast lot of 
these in the Parliament, and it would be well if each new man would 
get his name legibly printed in large type, and paste (or gum) it upon 
the top of his hat. The outside of his liat, we mean, Irish Members. 
Then the reporters would notice him as he lifted his hat on rising (or 
he might hold it up towards them for a moment) and his fine 
oratory would not be set down to "an honourable Member," or to a 
wrong person. MESSRS. HANSARD would, no doubt, print such a 
thing on moderate terms, or an M.P. may come to Whitefriars. and 
sit in our office while the MS. is being set up only he must bring 
his own cigars. 

Of tlie notices, one was anent Local Taxation, one for the Legisla- 
tion 9f Trades' I'nions 'ha! spirit of ROBESPIERRE !), one for making 
English and Scotch bankruptcies alike, one (this was for MR. TORRENS) 
about the asylums for the sick poor, and one (this was by MR. LYSTER 
O'BEIHNK) for leave to bring in a Bill to facilitate the acquisition of 
small estates in Ireland. This is a very desirable object, and MR. 
O'BEIRNE may acquire a small one for us, if he will be so good. Or, 
on second thoughts, a large one. And we are ashamed to trouble 

him but would he make it in England, as we are desirous to reside 
upon it, and do not care about crossing the Channel P He shall come 
and see us whenever he likes, nobody welcomer. 

MINISTER AYRTOX, Joint Secretary of the Treasury, then moved 
that the House, at its rising, should adjourn until Tuesday the 16th 
February. And being interrogated (we mean asked) as to whether 
the meeting was for business, he made as brief reply as the American 
General, in that capital new poem, when told that 

" Dat Hummer der Breitmann ish holdin' der ford !" 
He replied, 

" Yes." 

Then did such of the Commons of the Kingdom as had attended 
disperse, without making any particular Revolution to speak of. But 
we shall watch them, and prepare to bolt at any appearance of danger 
to ourselves, or to the State. 


THE suggestion of the Right Honourable the PRESIDENT OP THE 
BOARD OF TRADE, that the public-houses should be closed on the 
nomination day at elections, deserves to be considered. There are, 
perhaps, some constituencies in which a certain amount of drunken- 
ness prevails, even amongst the class of British electors who cannot 
afford to spend any of their hardly-earned wages in excess of drink. 
Certainly, it might be in a great measure prevented by the closure of 
the public-houses ; but would not that be an ill compliment to the 
toiling millions of this great country ? It is surely at the top of 
society, as much as at the bottonij that we are to look for drunkenness, 
and it would be an invidious distinction to close the public-houses 
without closing also the private cellars, and the clubs. 

A voter, who gets drunk at Election time, gets drunk on duty. He 
unfits himself for the exercise of that exalted privilege which is the 
birthright of every Briton above the residuum. For an elector to be so 
drunk as not to be capable of giving the name of the candidate whom 
he means to vote for, is to be drunk and incapable indeed ; certainly, 
to be incapable of performing his lofty constitutional function. Indeed 
it may be neld that any elector so drunk as not to be able to say, dis- 
tinctly, "British Constitution," is politically drunk and incapable. 
Suppose, then, gross drunkenness, apparent at the hustings, is sub- 
jected by the Legislature to disfranchisement, temporary, or final. 
On the one hand the public-houses might remain open, and the pub- 
licans suffer no injury. On the other, constituencies would be weeded 
of unworthy voters ; of course to the sole detriment of a bigoted and 
stupid faction and to the unqualified advantage of the party of 
enlightenment and progress. 


MOUSTACHE and beard we did not wear 
When I was young, days long ago ; 

But modern girls no longer care 
If swells have bristly mouths or no. 

Not only shave not fogies old, 

No good by shaving who could gain, 

But gallants, in an age less cold, 
Who would have shaved, nor shaved in vain, 

Moustaches only in the way 

With soup a fellow now can find ; 

But if lie will take soup he may : 
At any rate the soup won't mind. 

Sparkle on the Bench.. 

WE find, in the Era, the following piece of wit, emitted by the 
Chairman of the Petty Sessions for the Enfield district of the Dnchy of 
Lancaster. A brace of rogues, male and female, had cheated a pub- 
lican, and were sent for trial. The male requested that the female 
might be released on bail, as he would be bound for her. 

" The CHAIRMAN'. yes. The prison walls will stand bail for both of you." 

True wit on the bench is so rare that Punch at once immortalises 
this Chairman, and recommends him to MR. GLADSTONE for Chancellor 
of the Duchy. 

A BSCONDED, on Tuesday evening last, between the hours of eight 
-CA- and ten, a Beautiful Big Baby, aged juet eleven weeks. Had blue 
eyes and a pink sash, and answers to the name of Trottums. Very learned 
for its age. Knows who stole the donkey, and what sugar plums are made for. 
Can recognise papa in the " Bun with the Rantoone." ( Vide Punch's Alutn- 
naek for 1889.) 

JANUARY 9, 18G9.] 


E.Cr. 7 



IIE learned CHEILOPOTOS, of 
Kissos, has laid it down as 
an axiom, in his treatise 
upon the Science of Cre- 
ative Duplication, that "No 
entity can ever be lost in 
Nature for want of its coun- 
terpart." Hence the Sage, 
logically working out his 
own premises in the course 
of five considerable vo- 
lumes, establishes this as 
a fact beyond all question, 
namely, that "the collective 
idiosyncrasies of all the 
possible varieties of Human 
Individualities are to be 
found separately in the 
animal kingdom," which 
regal community he pro- 
ceeds to divide into three 
K-tates; and this division 
can l)e conveniently ac- 
cepted as that of Birds, 
Beasts, and fishes. 

Therefore, the Greek 
slave, not the lovely ideal 

of Divested Beauty, but the crook-backed satirist JSsqp, finding 
that he might stand all day in the market-place vainly holding xij 
mirror to his fellow-citizens, could hit upon no better plan for their 
instruction than that of exhibiting to them the ugliness of their 
moral defects, the mean character both of their social and domestic 
littlenesses, and of their boasted commercial acuteness under the form 
of what may be fairly termed, " Cock and Bull Stories." 

Since his day, which was a little matter of half a century over two 
thousand years ago, teacher after teacher has taken up his parable 
with what great and marvellous success, the improved state of society 
iu our own time presents sufficient proof. 

So beneficial has been the effect of this Moral School that in this 
year of eighteen hundred and sixty-nine it will, as you are all aware, be 
a matter of some difficulty to show me where exists such a foolish dog 
as would drop the meaty bone from his jaws for the sake of grabbing 
at its image in the stream below ? Is there anybody who having made 
a fortune uses it as a magnet to attract other metal to it, and finds the 
magnet drawn from his grasp ? Of course not : thanks to two thousand 
five hundred years' worth of moral teaching, there is, there can be, no 
such person or d> 

Are there any Wolves who punish poor little Muttons for drinking 
in streams that don't belong to either of them, and then having 11 
and devoured the mutton aforesaid dress themselves up in their wool 
so cleverly as to make old birds, like you and I, not generally caught 
with chair, believe in them for very sheep ; aye, perhaps, eve'n to the 
extent of sitting on their backs, giving them our advice, and serving 
thfm by allowing them to be seen in such respectable company. 

Of course there are none such now-a-days. You couldn t find them, 
could you, if you tried your utmost ? 

No. At this present, sheep arc sheep, and wolves are wolves, as 
truly as eggs are proverbially eggs, and naught else. 
But for all this, wolves there are and wolhsh natures unchanged. 
Sheep, too, with sheepish natures unchanged, Hirul erat i prin- 
ciple, ett rtunc, el 

It is, then, this gratifying result, calmly considered, which has led 
me to seek for my illustrations of modern society in the air, on the 
land, and in the deep and shallow waters. 

Thoroughly satisfied with the success achieved bv my great prede- 
cessors in fable-teaching, among whom I may modestly rank .I'Sor, 
PH.EDRUS the Latin, AKISTOPHANES, and two or three others (whose 
names I will leave to your own industrious research), I, nil erpfHaivt, 
and blessed in that expectation, here, or rather in the next number of 
this periodical, am commencing a series of sketches upon the - ! 
idea, it' not upon his principles or plan, for the benefit of this our 
modern society, which, as you and I so well know, only requires the last 
touch, the final polish, to make it absolutely perfect. The Ancients 
have done their work with the rough : 1 have to deal with the smooth, 
They cleared away the vices : there are no vicious now. I deal wit li 
the virtues and the virtuous. There are no others. It is mine to con- 
solidate : I settle the virtues in their place bv such doctrine as the 
three estates of the Animal Kingdom can afford. 

Whether to succeed or fail is given me, is not within mortal prescience ; 
but, SEMPBOXIUS my friend, 1 will try and deserve what it is not in my 
power to command. 

And so the next you '11 see of Birds, Beasts, and Fishes is Chapter 

the First. 

(To be continued.) 


" No whispering allowed here." I really wonder that those words 
are not written in Roman capitals over the entrance to the Foreign 
Office. Then we could understand why such loud talking goes on, 
where solemn silence lutely reigned supreme. I can remember when 
the door was li.sted, and to put an ear to the key-hole was love's labour 
lost. No douljt Ministers were sometimes caught napping, and even 
Plenipotentiaries would murmur in their sleep. I'.nt -ucli infirmities 
those at least can pardon who profit by them. Scientific people tell us 
that all substances arc porous, and the head of a department is not 
wanting in that quality, simply because it is very dense. 

" Aprcs mot le dftuyf," said an old friend of mine, and it has come in 
a flood of festive eloquence. Over their dessert Politicians descant on 
Peace, as if a pacific policy were nourished on olives. I fancy I see my 
poor TALLEYRAND with his proper detestation of zeal above all things, 
shivering as he reads some complimentary orations, "Oh, Lucifer! 
Lucifer ! " he sighs, with tearful hds, " how art thou fallen !" 

Is diplomatic finesse, I would ask, to be considered as a Fine Art 
lost ? I had hoped that Woman, whose lawful ambition was repelled 
by a lofty Bench and a stubborn Bar, might be allowed to pass into 
the labyrinth of international differences unchallenged and alone. A 
sensitive hand was once needed to more along the silken clue in those 
umbrageous walks. Alas ! the diplomatic maze is now illuminated by 
artilieial lamps ; and, by standing on a platform, any Member of a re- 
formed legislature may overlook and expose its most sacred intricacies. 
This, to me, is particularly dreadful, but it is quite consistent with our 
daily experience of masculine audacity. No matter what may be the 
avenue to distinction. If Parliament were Paradise. Man would rush 
in where angels feared to tread. And if it were toe reverse, which 
perhaps it is, I suppose it would make no difference. 

I have only one or two further remarks to make. I'iplAacy 
should be independent of Philology, resenting the dicia of JOITIISON 
nor tolerating the impertinencies of WALKER. 1 would have "Publick 
so spelt, because too much respect should not be shown, to those 
iiemies of secresy and order, the noisy Repuhlick of Letters. 
Protocols are degraded by punctuation, and a Holy Alliance should be 
fortified with polysyllables. 


THE Saturday lirrieic thinks that we ought all to be, if not miserable, 
grave, this Christmas, because we do not see the future of oar Paupers 
and our Peers. Well, let us see. Suppose we begin by making all 
1'aupers into Peers. Then the "genteel" class will at once mako 
open house for their Lordships, lend them money, marry them to 
their daughters and set them straight with the world. That's soon 
settled. But what's to be done with the Peers? We don't wall to 
make them Paupers, though a good many of 'em hare chosen to per- 
form that transformation for themselves. It is as politicians that the 
A'. J{. is afraid for them. Come, as they have not committed any par- 
tieu'ar crime of late, suppose we copy the language of Etcaliu to an 
alleged sinner, '' Even let them continue in their evil courses, till thou 
knowest what they are." We are always ready to be grave at the 
shortest notice, hut only that we may see how to get rid of the reason 
for gravity ! Haven't we done so in this case ? 


(Caution to Modistes, Mill inert, et idgtnut omne.) 

A LEICESTER Square Dressmaker was summoned and fined hist 
under the Act iu that case made and provided, for working a d 
her young ladies over-hours. She pleaded a large order from 

ir "Girls of the Period." MK. TVRWHITT verv property de- 
cided that employers must not work " Girls of the Period," orer the 
period fixed bv the statute ; and fined Madame 40. and costs, with the 
remark that " he had no notion of work-people beins made slaves of." 
Mr. Punch has a notion that this class of workpeople Of made slaves 
of, very often, and rejoices accordingly whenever the 1 
Act is brought to bear on the sla' 

AC'AGKD RIKD. Ah. how I long to see thee ! How I pant to 
:fst, to this wildlv beating waistcoat! Fain would 

I call a tab, and rattle down to . But Papa is crow and stingy, and I 

have no tin. fi l>i< .' moit tkirr omit .' Buy Punch's Almanack at once, 
and read alT the riddh-< ir it. Ihen you may guess why adore is not a door, 
Yours fondly. ANXIOUS TOMMY. 


[JANUARY 9, 18G9. 


















. < 



JANUARY 9, 1869.] 



" To the Ladies and Gentlemen residing in," &o. 

" LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, With sensible recollection of by-gone pa- 
tronage, your Wandering Melodists, the Christmas Waits, beg to offer their 
best compliments on the approaching Festival. The Band on this occasion, 
us heretofore, bus been numerous and select, and trust to merit that liberal 
difi'usion of your favours, which has enlivened our homes and cheered our 
hearts for a series of years. We hope our sprightly notes of Melody awaking 
!- i ct Hcho on the dull ear of Night has stule on your gentle slumbers, and 
again lulled you to repose with the soothing candanza of the T.ullaby. (Here 
follow the names of the liai.J, ' numerous and select,' four in all, their instrU' 
men/a, and addresses.) 

" Having redeemed our pledge, we shall have the honour of paying our 
.personal respects in the Holiday week. 

" In respectfully taking our leave, we beg to remind you that as some, who 
are pretenders to the Magic Wand of Apollo would attempt to impose on your 
liberality, and defraud us of your favours, it may be necessary to Bay, that we 
will produce a Card containing our Names, Instruments, and Addresses as 
above; we therefore hope you will not give this Bill, or your Donation, to 
any persons unless they produce the Card above named." 

Is 'not this appeal irresistible ? Could any one could even the house- 
holder who has escaped to " gentle slumbers " from gout, indigestion, 
neuralgia, or a fractious teething infant at 2 A.M., and been awakened at 
2'30 by cornet, harp, &c.. playing the "soothing candanza" of the 
Belgravia Waltz, or Kathleen Matoumeen, or other appropriate Christ- 
mas melodies, be churl enough to refuse a donation to the ' Wandering 
Melodists," when they paid their " personal respects in the holiday 
week"? You, resident, may have held aloof from plum-pudding, 
you may have forfeited all chance of happiness in the new-kid year by 
refusing mince-pies ; you may have sung no song, told no ghost-story, 
propounded no riddle, pulled no cracker, and cracked no joke ; you 
may have moped alone with the (Quarterly Reriew on Christmas Eve, 
ana dined in a tavern with no company but that of the superfluously 
civil waiter on Christmas Day; you may have shunned the mistletoe 
bough as you would the Upas-tree, ana never wished one of yonr 
kind a merry this, or a happy that; but it is impossible that, if you 
have received and read this persuasive Bill, you can have withheld 
your modest Christmas gift from your Christmas Waits. If you have 
mark, something dreadful will happen to you in the course of the 
festive season of 1SC9. An undesirable relation will drop in upon 
you just at dinner-time on Christmas Day, or the kitchen chimney will 
catch fire and the engines arrive at 6 p.m., or the Norfolk turkey will 
go astray to Newcastle-upon-Tyne, or Newark-upon-Trent, or the 
dressmaker will be faithless, and fail to send home your wife's new silk, 
or most signal retribution of all the " Wandering Melodists " the 
legitimate wielders of "the magic wand of Apollo," will not pky in 
front of your mansion between 12 and 2 a.m., for several successive 
nights in the month of December ! 


" 5[R. LOWE, perfectly aware of the ox on his tongue, justified his reticence 
on the broadest and most elementary grounds." 

REALLY, newspaper writers should remember that it is not everybody 
who has had the advantage of a classical education, and if they must 
deal in allusions which those who have small Latin and less Greek can. 
not be expected to understand, the least they can do is to add a word 
of explanation, or a foot-note. MR. LOWE, with an " ox on his tongue," 
has proved a hopeless pu/./.le to numbers of painstaking rc:uiers who 
conscientiously try to make out the meaning of all they see in print. 
His admirers only hope that it is not some dreadful disease with which 



WHO dares at Christmas time break Europe's peace ? 
. Who dreams of doing so P What, little Greece ? 
You naughty good-for-nothing boy, get out ! 
Or else you'll soon have me your house about. 
You, that an infant are as yet, and not a man. 
You, puny Power, think you can match the Ottoman. 
Presume to tread on the Sublime Forte's corns, 
The Crescent hope to make draw in its horns, 
The Sultan the Grand Seignior's self you cheek ? 
There never was such imperence as Greek ! 

Aiding the insurrectionists in ( ' 
What could yon do against the I 
The Mussulmans would in a jiffey whack you, 
For don't suppose the MUM you. 

1 've a good mind to take you up and smack you. 

You gosling, Oh, you silly goosey gan<: 
Have you one hero now, like ALEXANDER 
Or equal to an ALCIBIADES F 
Not all of them would make you the Turk's peer ; 
That is, at least, the British Grenadier 
Upon his aide suppose you had to tackle 
So put your arms away and cease your cackle. 
Instead of raising land and naval forces 
To work set, and develope your resources. 
Discharge your mind of Philhellenic frets, 
Turn it to industry, and pay your debts. 
When you 've rown up, and have got so much bigger 
In Europe as to cut a serious figure, 
Then then- may be some chance for yonr audacity, 
At present you are not of that capacity. 
So now desist from yonr intrigues and robbery, 
And let me hear no more of all this bobbery. 


Is there any sufficient reason why sending a money-lender's circular 
to a minor should not be rendered punishable ? And ought that act to 
be made less punishable than the offence of sending a threatening 
letter to anybody P 

If. however, the paramount importance of Commerce requires that 
the liberty of advertising shall be unbounded, might not some protec- 
tion against usurers be afforded to infants by a certain relaxation of 
the law of libel? If TRAPBOIS must needs be allowed to advertise 
himself without restriction, let it be lawful to advertise TRAPBOIS. 
Let parents, preceptors, guardians, clergymen, philanthropists, any- 
body and everybody, have a right to post TRAPBOIS all about the 
Universities and over camps and garrison towns, or any other places 
in which TRAPBOIS is likely to catch youth. " Beware of TRAPBOIS." 
" Keep out of TRAPBOIS'S Clutches." " Borrow not of TRAPBOIS, the 
Usurer." " Who 's TRAPBOIS P A Bill Discounter lends money at 
sixty per cent." Such are the sort of legends with which it ought to 
be lawful to bill the hoardings, dead walls, and railway-stations, or to 
put the unwary and inexperienced on their guard by means of a 
watchman with a staff and a lamp displaying a nocturnal illumination. 

Area of Force v. Force of Area. 

THE falling off in the security of our streets is ascribed to the great 
extension of the area of Police-duty. This is very true, and may be 
put in another way. Not only is the Police too small for the area, but 
the area is too much for the Police ; or to put it dynamically, " The 
action of the force is in an inverse ratio with the area." 


great many more most charming but slightly illegible correspondents, 
are perfectly right in the conjecture which, with that intuition peculiar 
to women, they have unanimously formed. BROwsixo'fcnew poem, 
The Ring and the Boole, is all about a Wedding ! 

IK-DELICACIES OF THE SEASON. The Burlesques and Pantomimes. 


A STRIKING illustration of the late extraordinary mildness of the 
season occurred, the other day, on the Basingstoke platform of the 
London and South- Western Railway. A boy ran along a train which 
stopped there, shouting, " Any apples, oranges, lemonade, soda-water, 
ginger-beer ? " 

If the weather shall have changed, will that boy and other boys, 
touting the trains, cry, " Any taters-all-hot, kidney-puddings, wine, 
negus, brandy, rum, pin, whiskey, spirits-aud-watrr, p- They 

may add Punch's Almanatk. But both that and this periodical are to 
be cried at all seasons and decried at none. 

" A Bloated Aristocracy and a Bloater Church." 

"JonN Ksox" confides to J/r. Punch his opinion that " Like all 
people between two MOO!-,," Ritualists .-/ come to the rround. 
They are neither Protestant nor Papist, " neither lish, flesh, nor good 

Neither fish nor flesh, perhaps. But Punch must demur to the rest 
of the description. Many Ritualists are " good," a few are not only 
" read," but " well-read," and all, without exception, are " errin'." 


[JANUAHY 9, 1859. 


GET IT ON ! " 

1 CAN'T 


(Sung in Character before the Judicial Committee of 
the Pricy Council.) 

PEOPLE talk of Church Mice, 

And they call us Church Rats. 
We, with subterfuge nice, 

Dodge your dogs and your cats. 
All your traps we defy, 

We despise all your gins : 
Ma'am, we don't want to pry, 

But confess us your sins. 

No. you can't rout us put 

Legal ferrets are vain. 
You go idly about 

Rats of our sort to bane. 
So we nibble your loaves, 

And your fishes we gnaw, 
To get rid of us coves, 

You have too little law.' 

You behold your Church all 

Undermined with our holes. 
Well, suppose it should fall, 

We '11 take care of your souls. 
We shall know when to flee, 

From a tumbling-down home, 
To the Fisherman's See, 

Ratting over to Rome. 

May be Seen any Day. 

VISITORS to the New Metropolitan Meat Market in 
Smithfield are struck with the appropriateness of a name 
which appears over one of the stalls there SILVERSIDE. 
KILLBT, too, they think not out of place, and when they 
read at the foot of an announcement of the " Annual 
Dress Ball in aid of the Building Fund of the Butchers' 
Charitable Association," that the name of the Hon. Sec. is 
BUTCHER, they go away happy. 



SCENE A Thieves' Public House. 



James. Well, BILL ? wot 's to come o' this here Re-formed Parliment ? 

William. We shall see. 'Tis pro-rogued. 

James. Ah ! Pro-rogued no doubt, out I 'm afeard it 's goin' to be 

William. In wot way, JIM ? 

James. Well, yer see, BILL, there's a precious cry the respectable 
beggars is now a gettin up for wot they calls the pertection of Society 
agm the dangerous clarses. That 's we. 

William. Ho, ho, ho ! 

James. You was never whipped. It's no larfin matter, I can tell 

William. Who 's a goin to be whipped, unless he uses wilence ? and 
there ain't no downright needcessity for that. 

James. 'Twouldn't surprise me one bit if Parliament was to order 
whippin for any fakement wotsomdever. Cause why 'i Cause it 's 'ad 
sitch a effect upon garottin. 

William. Cats is cheap, JIM. 

James. That's jest it. And this here new Parliment is likely to be 
equononucal, particler with that blessed BOB LOWE Chancellor of the 

William. No doubt but wot a whippin and twenty-one days is wus 
than five years penial servitude alone. 

James. A precious sight. I know I 'd rayther be in for ten year 
ban two dozen lashes. Werry likely Parliment 's aware o' that fact 
and may think it a good deal better and cheaper to whip me and send 
me back to my pals than to keep me in quod. 

William i As I heard your namesake JEM the Penman once say, 

PLATO, thou reasonest well." 

James Too well, I'm afeard. They won't need for to keep us in 
quod neither, if they does wot I expects they will. 

William. Wot 's that? 

James. Wy pass a blessed lawr exposin" hevery bloke conwicted of 
a fust offence to so many years sirvelliance of the blessed Police. 

William. Wot will the Bobbies do, then ? 

James. Foller yer about wherever you goes, and if they suspects 
you 've are a little game on 'and, search ye, to see if yer carries any 
tools. If they finds any sitch thing as a jemmy about yer, or skellintons, 
they '11 hike yer off to be tried for intendin' to commit a felony. Which, 
bein' conwicted, praps you '11 be whipped all the same as if yer had. 

William. Wot a blessed shame ! So this is 'ow you expects the new 
Parliment to serve we. Call that a Reformed ParHment ! 

James. We ain't represented, BILL. 

William. And yet the Railway and Jinte Stock interest is. 

James. That ain't no more than 'arf a representation of the minority. 

William. They talks of doin' away with the disqualification of the 
Compound Householder. I tell yer wot it is, JIM. There won't be no 
reg'lar Reform until they enfranchises the Compound Housebreaker. 

James. BILL, let 's 'ave a demon-stration in 'Yde Park. 

William. JIM, I 'm yer man. Representation for the Residivum ! 
But, in the meantime, I'm gallus afeard Parliment will anyhow put 
us under the sirvelliance of the Police. 

James. Which in course must be the total destruction of our lively- 
wood, and then our only halternative will be industry or the workus. 

William. Which is wus than the jale. Yah ! 

James. Yah! Ah! [Scene closes. 

A Card. 

BRITANNIA presents her compliments to Punch, and begs to observe, 
on the suggestion that she should give up Gibraltar for Ceuta, that 
Gibraltar does uit her, and Ceuta don't suit her. 

ADA TO FRED. Dinner forget if you like. Mais tie m' mibliez pas, 
mon petit chat. If you do, by George ! nothing earthly can console 
me, excepting Punch's Almanack, and that is really heavenly! 

JANUARY 9, 1869.] 




E, I don't often write to FOOLS who fling awav their fortunes by betting upon how 

you, but havnifc last week would do well to take a leaf out of ihr bat ins-books where wagers like 

sent a letter to the /'///;/<, the following are registered. We quote them from a recent Ictt'-r 

it occurs to me that the from America, inserted in the Timet: 
next best step to be taken 
ii a rninniiinipiitinn nn tlif 
slme su",ject to you 

" Ludicrous election beta are now being paid in many placet. Tho lc*ra 
wheel* the winner through the streets in a barrow, preceded by a Ui. 

.,.; ...,1 r.,11 J I : J J n j; ew y or one j^j WM p^y ^ 

atreeU, and thui practically U= 

mi f i o* f uv.vo in' niniM i lllivm&ll LUC *UCVtn 111 ,1 

Ihe Judgment Sir, of niusi.-, aud followed by a gaping crowd. In 

the Privy Oouncil is but the loser wheeling a negro through the street 

an exposition of various his regard for the African race." 

Acts of Parliament, show- 
ing what if the Law on this ' , e ""gw commen tis nove stye of betting to the noble race of 

matter of Kites and cere- P lun ? ers wn o now gambol on the turf. How much better to wheel 

monies in the Church of I Y in m, er "* a **rrow, than to hand him over a handful of bank- 

En"land. It is not biudin" notes ! V" 5 "? ***"* a no fun , m "?PtyS one's pockets, and the 

upon the consciences 01 P roce ? 3 exhausting one s credit with one s banker can hardly be 

Churchmen It does not amus ' n > although done for sake of sport. Bets, however, of this kind 

prevent them from Miecina rc P rte 4 * rom ^ cw ^" or k 'TOuld afford both entertainment and pleasant 

whatever they eaoote to occupation to men who find their time hang so heavy on their hands 

belies. Therefore they can that they arc forced to kill it by goin ? on the turf. To the philosophic 

hold all Roman Doctrine, lmnd . a pleasing theme for contemplation would be the sight of noble 

even the supremacy of the swel . k ^'V 5 Reeled about the streets each preceded by a band of 

POPE in a certain sense as mnalc anl ' a banner, on which should be placarded the name of the 

long as they do not out- } oser '. an |l the wager he had lost. Instead of betting "thouV and 

wardly demonstrate their ! Pomes' as young foolish plungers do, thev might, by betUng ndcs 

inward convictions. This is what I mean by " the Loss of modes of '? .eelbarrow9, effect the needful tune-slaughter without hurting 

outward expression of belief only drives pious souls more inward P e . lr , e9ta . tes - By way of a variety, perambulators might be used 

and the inward devotion shines the more through " instead of wheelbarrows, and, in Leu of bands of music, a blast of 

Since writing the above 1 have been led to consider the full import P, cunv trumpets might proclaim the conquering better in his passage 

and bearing of my argument, and I discover in it a new moral code for though the streets. Other wagers too might follow, such as drives 

the benefit of society at large about Hyde Park in a costermonger s cart, or rides upon a donkey in 

I have been accused of too great liberality towards schismatics, the thick of ^tten Row, with the eason at its height. Young GRKEX 

heretics and Dissenters by my own party and I may again incur its may book a bet tliat lf I>ar ' iltorM w ms the Derby, he will hare to black 

displeasure by stating boldly, ihat rdeeply sympathise th all those hls T face a d pla l the '""'J for an iu ll " u . r upon the doorstep of his club; 

unhappy criminals hung or unhung, and with those no less unfortunate , r LoRD ToM NODDY may record that in the like event he will hare to 

sufferers in civil actions, who have been unable to evade the legal sh ave off one of his pet whiskers : and to go for a whole fortnight with 

penalties which they have severally incurred a cabbage-leaf instead of a camellia in bis button-hole. Beta too may 

This is a legitimate conclusion from my own premises and from it I be mad . e tnat men must ^f e U P smokin ? sixpenny cigars, and for a 

do not shrink. given time must condescend to common Pickwicks; and wagers 


What, Sir, is any Judgment, Criminal or Civil, but " an Ezpotitioit 7^ be laid tbat ' '^Styrociel wins the Leger, LORD SWELLINGTON will 
of an Act or Acts of Parliament ?" have to carry a baked tatoe can twelve times along Pall Mall, or 

And, cu suck, not binding vpon the conscience of Englishmen. ENSIGJC GUZZLER will have to drink mulled ginger-beer in lieu of iced 

Ihe felon, unfortunately for him, being in the dock and guarded by champagne, and, instead of whitebait dinners, will be reduced to tea 
police, cannot walk out and snap his fingers at Judge and Jury, as can and shru nps upon his next six trips to Greenwich, 
""^ n i! !ai r>^ IerRyman - at LoRD CAJKI(S . 'he ABCIIBISHOP OF YOBK, 

and all the Privy Council. 

n 1 ! .^' ,? ir > I wiu conclude ; and in conclusion will say this to 
all Ritualists 

<i, 1 !? T ma i tter "* wbat P recise terms our belief is condemned ; no matter 
hat Bishops and Archbishops equally condemn all our distinctive 
:ts ; no matter that the spirit and tone of the entire English Com- 
munion is against us, we can always meet a Judgment as we should a 
temptation, and find a >ray to escape. Words may mean any tiling, 
vervthmg, or nothing. Actions shall be valuable or worthless. But 
with the exception of a few absurdly straightforward and honest men 
who are no longer with us, we have shufiled and shirked from the 
commencement, and, please Heaven, we will shullle and shirk to the 




A CAT of our household killed a pet bird. The victim was buried 
with as much pomp as a stable-boy for gravedigger, the cook and the 
housemaid as mourners, could give to the ceremonial. On the tomb- 
stone I inscribed 

" Bora Atu in Terrii." 

Neither the gravedigger nor the cook nor the houtemaid understood 
it ; the latter, indeed, objco|Bg on the score that the canary wasn't kid in 
a terrace at all. If the lower classes had been educated, they would 
have understood this classic epitapL 


Onr large dog killed the cut that had killed the bird. We were 

_ _, ^ mean) indeed much grieved. Two of the softer sex wept. One of the sterner 

epuJdn t some, clever lawyer, like LEWIS AND LEWIS, find out that the interred the remains of poor Pussy, and another of the same persuasion 

Judicial Committee had no right to sit unless the BjSHOP OF LONDON wrote o'er her silent tomb, 

(or some dignitary) was on the Bench all the time ? Then the proceed- " Reqiiiet > 

I am, Sir, yours, 
(The signature is illegible. Ed.) 
P.S. In effect, I would say, with old Mr. //WAr, " \Vliy warn't 
there an alleylu ': ' i mean (and 1 don't often say what I do mean) 

ings would have to be commenced de 

A Rubric Well Ruled. 

DR. PCSET complains that the Judicial Committee have not inter- 
pret cd a certain Rubric, relative to the M.u KONOCIIIE case, gram- 
matically. Ihey -will be generally considered to have interpreted it 
according to its obviously intended meaning. DR. PCSET must not 
expect worldly judges to interpret even Church law in a non-natural 


Thcn ^ moumfu] proccssion broke ,,, and 

gloomy regret . 

PETTUMS, DARLING !-Be not sulky. Xini is a good boy 
loving lollipop awaits thee at the old, old tryst. fiorie>,s toi 
Jeiiifi, tt tM it l'i _\rj[. Go and get his Almanack, if you still are in 
sulks. It is a certain cure for jealousy as well as indigestion. 

Think of Your Health. 

BISCCIT." The opinion of the Medical Profession is 
earnestly requested as to the injury likely to be done to the coats of 
the stomach by such a mode of preparing an agreeable article of food, 
which has hitherto been looked upon as perfectly innocuous. 


HARLKT WnrpOLE, in the Christmas holidays, wishing to get as 
soon as he could from Paddington to Shoreditoh, unfortnnat 
hold of a cabman who did not know London well. The end of it was 
that poor HARLEY was driven to distraction. 



[JANUARY 9, 1869. 


Greengrocer, Jun. (to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion). "I'VE GOT YER A 


PUNCH never allows an empty bottle to be called " a Marine " at his 
table, without repeating the good old explanation of the image " A 
good fellow who has done his duty, and is ready to do it again." 

He hates to hear the Marines chaffed, because he knows them to be 
about the least indulged, most devoted, hardest worked, best drilled, 
best set up, best officered, best disciplined, and best behaved corps in 
the Service : and because at the bottom of the chaff occasionally fired 
off at them by dandy and empty-headed officers of more " swell " 
branches, there lies nothing more respectable than snobbishness, con- 
ceit of caste, and pride of privilege, the natural enemies of unfavoured 
merit, continuous hard work, harassing service, and uncomplaining 
devotion to duty. 

As for Jack's half real, half affected antipathy to " sogers," that is 
another matter. There is a natural antagonism between blue jackets 
and red coatees, white-duck and pipe-clay, loose order and drill, stocks 
and shirt-collars, schakos and straw-hats, buttons and lanyards. But 
that does not hinder each Service from respecting the other at bottom ; 
and both from pulling, working, and fighting together on all occasions, 
like twins of the same bull-dog. 

For the same reasons that Punch don't like to have his Marines 
chaffed, he is sorry to hear that the Plymouth Manager has so far 
forgotten himself as to poke fun at the Marine Officers in his Panto- 
mime. He is still sorrier, however, to learn that the Marine Officer iii 
command of the corps at Plymouth has condescended to notice this 
piece of bad taste by forbidding the Marines the theatre. 

COLOXKL PKNROSE should remember that the proverb, " de minimis 
non rural," applies as well to military law as to civil. 

r all, Pantomime impertinences should no more give offence 
than Pantomime red-hot pokers burn. We never heard that Police- 
man X was a less formidable guardian of the peace because of the bad 
tune he has of it at the hands of Clown and Pantaloon ; or that the 
butcher, baker, and greengrocer of private life were more liable to be 
taken sights at because of the gross insults perpetrated on their order 

in the comic business, for which their shop-fronts usually furnish the 
background, and the proprietors the victims. 

But. even if the stage were more likely to hurt, nobleut oblige.^ 
The Marine should be above bandying buffets with the Manager, 
the Marines like to stay away from the theatre, let them, but don't 
enforce their absence by pickets. 

At the same time one cannot be sorry if the Plymouth Manager 
should suffer for his impertinence in insulting a body of men who are 
far more of an honour to their cloth than he is to his. We never heard 
of anything that was particularly to his credit. We never knew anything 
that was not pre-eminently to theirs. 

Dead and Buried. 

" LORD BURY signified his intention of moving to repeal the statute of 
ANNE, making necessary the re-election of Members accepting offices under 
the Crown." Parliamentary Summary of Tuesday, December 29M. 

HOORAY ! More Power to LORD BURY ! It may be " no news " 
that " QUEEN ANNE'S dead ;" but it will be decidedly good news that 
QUEEN ANNE'S Act 's buried. 

A Great Curiosity. 
"PIOR SALE. A Printing Machine (perfecting) made by DRYDKX. 

Is it known to his biographers'that the great poet was of a me- 
chanical turn ? The South Kensington Museum should secure at any 
price this most interesting relic of ^' T~.*V, 


MR. BURHAKD'S new Burlesque, now playing at the Haymarket, is 
called The Frightful Hair. Does this mean the Chignon ? 


ren, la the M 

h f iv?vH""'"' d S 1^''" l >? P "'' h of *"" n'rkenwelj. In the County ol Middlesex, at the Printm* Offl=e of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, ft Co Lombard 
tnan, in tl City of London, and Published by him at No. M. Fleet Street, In the Paruh of St. Bride, City of London. SiTtaUii . January 9, 1869. 

JANUARY 16, 1869.] 




HRISTJCAS and its holidays "are 
over, but the Christmas perio- 
dicals are still selling, at least 
to judge by the maxim, ex vno 
disce omnet. Modesty forbids 
the more particular mention 
of the Almanack to which this 
refers. Some say there are 
Christmas annuals more than 
enough, but there is room for 
one more, which, however, 
would not make them the 
more the merrier. Could not 
the conductor! of a censo- 
rious journal, if such there 
be, come out, for once in the 
way at least, with a Christmas 
N umber P The majority of 
Christmas publications gush, 
or are meant to gush, or to 
eem to gush, with the milk 
of human kindness. The one 
which any severe contempo- 
rary may be advised to issue, 
mifrht, on the contrary, gush 
:he bile of critical acri- 
mony. The principal stock 
subjects in connection with 
( h i istmas might all be treated 
in the spirit of Smellf**ptu, 
by way of a refreshing novelty. 
Holly and mistletoe might be 
shown up as paganisms parti- 
cularly inappropriate to the 
season, and instead of those 
emblems, cypress and yew 
might be recommended as 
being more ecclesiastical, 
because of their relation to churchyards. Plum-pudding and mince- 
pie might be abused as conducive to heathenish and swinish gluttony, 
and very unwholesome besides. "Holly and Mistletoe," "Plum- 
pudding and Mince-pie," indeed, might be taken for the titles of articles 
written in the tone above indicated. The topic of " Pantomimes " 
illicit be treated in the same way with a pointed exposition 9f the 
particular contrariety to all that Christmas means of gross and riotous 
iiull'oonery. "Blind Man's Buff," and "Hunt the Slipper," might 
be decried as well, and denounced as imbecilities characteristic of the 
liritish middlr-elassrs, alike customary and contemptible. "Snap- 
dragon " would furnish a theme for similar comment, concluding with 
the expression of the wish that every idiot who played at that 
execrable game might burn his fingers. 


I AM a very social girl, and also very scientific, so I always 
read the reports of the Social Science Meetings. I see that at one of 
them, mentioned in the Standard (I am a Tory girl) DR. STALLARD 

" If only one quarter more of the dirt of London could be swept away than 
now is, how great would bo the gain." 

Dear Mr. Pinn-Ji, the gentlemen should be reasonable with us. I am 
sure we women do what we can. My dress is very long, and I never 
loop it up, not that my ancles are bad, but because it is absurd to care 
about saving the clothes other people pay for. And I never come in 
from a walk without bringing in more than my fair share of London 
dirt with me, to say nothing of cigar-ends, orange-peel, herrings'-tails, 
and other trifles, aud the way my brothers go on at me for what they 
are pleased to call slatternliness, and how they name me DOROTHY 
DRAGGLETAIL, and sing stupid songs about me, would daunt anybody 
but a female who scorns to be dictated to about dress. Really, we 
cannot do more than we do, and I only wish you could see my stock- 
ings, and the state of my Mamma's new Turkey carpet. 

Yours sincerely, 

Our ".Wag's Last." 

IT is said that there were disturbances at Ceuta, owing to the delight 
of the people at the idea of becoming English. But this was premature. 
They must not be too ambitious. Ne Ceiita ultra crepidam. 


To be appended to that competed by Mr. Ward Hunt, and pulilitked 
by Mr. Ayrton. 

MY LORDS, adhering to all that has been set forth in the above 
Minute, in regard to the extravagant habits of certain Civil Servant* 
(whereby, and by reason of the embarrassments into which they plunge, 
they are the less qualified to attend to the Business of the Nation . but 
holding also that prevention is better than cure, annex the following 

That young Civil Servants, on appointment, do privately take a 
piece of paper, of any size or colour they may prefer, and do write 
down thereupon the amount of their salary. That they sub-divide 
this, with the aid of a Ready Reckoner, into fractional parts, so that 
they may see how much hard cash they ought to spend daily, weekly, 
monthly, quarterly, and yearly. 

EXAMPLE. 100 a-year sounds largely to a youth who has previous!/ 
had nothing but pocket-money from his parents, but let him look at it 

Per T*mr. 


Per Quarter. 


is ,; s 

r. r w. . v 
1 18 6\ 

&.. 6|i 

Four cigars at sixpence each 
Cab to the office (say) 
Flower for button-hole 
Lunch .... 
Omnibus home . . . 

Five shillings and fivepence three farthings a day. Very well, then 
let him do another sum. How does he propose to live P 

. 2. M. 

. 6 

. 6 

6 6 

He is already, he will observe, one farthing in excess of his incovP 
and no provision has been made for rent, tailor, regular meals, boot- 
maker, plover, and haberdasher, and a few other matters which, in our 
present ill-regulated state of society, involve paying or owing for. 

Now he may have 200, 300, or 400, but the highest of these 
sums will give mm only 1 1*. Ho. daily. 

Add to the above At. M. 

Horse hire 76 

Dinner and wine at Club . . . .50 
Two brandies and seltzers . . ..20 


Which leaves him the handsome, but scarcely adequate sum of one 
shilling and elevenpence for the expenses above enumerated, or for his 
wife, if he has fascinated a Girl of the Period into marrying him. 

My Lords are aware that there are many other ways of muddling away 
an income, but they have no intention to be severe, and merely suggest 
that the first sum which a newly-appointed clerk should do, might well 
be the sum of his own happiness. Examination of income, on the 
above principles, will, they are satisfied, do more to produce the desir- 
able effect in the mind of an honest young gentleman, than all the 
thunder which they have deemed it necessary to emit in the hopes of 
scaring the Service out of its extravagance. 

By way of showing that while urging others to form, they can 
amend their own customs, My Lords propose, at the beginning of the 
financial year, to pay all salaries monthly. Young wives will be glad 

to hear this. 

Strange Going* On. 

ONK of the most prominent of the spectacular Churches in London 
appears to be St. Paul's, at Walworth. the incumbent of which is the 
RKV. JOHN GOING, ana he certainly does seem to be going it. Indeed 
after reading a notice of his performances, it is pretty safe to predict 
that we shall soon hear GOING has gone to Rome. The sooner he and 
all like him make the journey the better 

" Stand not upon the order of your GOING, but go at once." 


GOOD, kind VICTOR HUGO has been again feasting the young in 
Guernsey. Love of the little ones is such a passion with him Unit we 
fully exp'ect him one of these days to forgive Somebody simply because 
the poet called him Le Petit. 

Musical and Melancholy. 

HAS the singular fact been remarked that all Operas have exactly 
the same number of pieces, for they all have a score ? A thoughtful 
observer is also puzzled by finding t liat for a Burlesque to be completely 
successful, it must have a Breakdown. 



[JANUARY 16, 1869. 

them on your note-paper for you, with no charge for stamping. Free 
armorial bearings, therefore, would afford a great relief, not so much to 
the purses of the bloated few, as to the consciences of the attenuated 

of Private Bills only and those not Par- many, whose letters are emblazoned, but who omit to return ttUBl 
rid of them by reading hem this day six ! liability on that account in their assessed tax-papers. Perhaps MR 
,rivate bills there is one which suggests a LOWE will, with lus ingenious ability, manage to ^repeal ^nmch of 

that which weighs 


these private 

Eublic bill in store 
the people. The 
grocer's bill reminds 
those who have been 
obliged, or have been 
stupid enough, to run 
one up, of the bill 
which is to give us 
untaxed tea, coffee. 
chocolate, sugar, and 
all the otter elements 
of breakfast, includ- 
ing, of course, sar- 
dines and caviare ; 
although that may 
still be "caviare to 
the general " as much 
aa ever. 

will first despatch the 
Irish Church Esta- 
blishment. In its 
stead he will esta- 
blish ecclesiastical 
liberty and equality, 
to result, doubtless, 
ia secular fraternity. 
Having given Ireland 
a free clergy, Angli- 
can and anti-English, 
as well as Noncon- 
formist, he will make 
way for ME. LOWE 
to give the people of 
the truly United King- 
dom a free breakfast- 
table, and thus carry 
out the original idea 

Of course the 
EXCHEQUER will un- 
tax the breakfast- 

table through mere 

fiscal economy. He 

will do it without 

raising the Income- 

Tax by one farthing. 

He will not make a 

class pay for the free 

breakfast-table of the 

community. No, the 

present Government 

is not going to imi- 

tate the injustice of 

its Conservative pre- 

decessor, which did 

part of tne nation the 

expensive honour of 

appointing them to 

defray the cost of a 

national war. But if 

a Liberal Ministry 

could stoop to adopt 

the mean policy ol 

confiscation, under'.the 

mistaken idea of there- 

by conciliating the 

masses, who desire 

nothing but equality 

before the tax- 

gatherer, how many desirable things they could liberate from taxation 

besides the breakfast-table ! For example, Armorial Bearings. 
The duty at present levied on the last-named appurtenances is no 

longer a tax on aristocratic pride, but an invidious distinction, and a 
cause of fraudulent evasion to boot, but not the boot of the Treasury. 
Everybody almost now uses armorial bearings. If you have no crest 
and scutcheon that you know of, you have only to send your name to 
certain advertising stationers, and they will find you arms, and engrave 



upon our coats of 
arms, without aggra- 
vating the Income- 


SOMEBODY has de- 
scribed the pleasures 
of Elysium as eating 
everlasting Me gras 
to the sound of trum- 
pets. But trumpets 
seem to our thinking 
to smack of Lord 
Mayor's dinners, and 
the like coarse enter- 
tainments : and we 
think that far more 
exquisite than trum- 
pets and fat livers 
were the bliss of hear- 
ing JOACHIM eternally 
play Beethoven,. Or- 
pheus with his lute 
made fleas Skip to 
him when he did sing : 
but Orpheus with his 
lute made never 
sweeter music than 
does JOACHIM with 
his fiddle; and no- 
where else does JOA- 
CHIM play more 
charmingly than at 
the Monday Pops, for 
nowhere else is he 
more sure of an ap- 
preciative audience. 
Popular as these con- 
certs very literally are, 
and though many hun- 
dreds of one shilling 
seats are always 
crowded by the public, 
such silence is pre 
served from the first 
note to the last as our 
opera habitues would 
do well to try to imi- 
tate. When the 
Kreutztr is performed 
by the fingers of HERR 
might even hear an 
H drop, if any one 
so far forgot himself 
as to exclaim, "'Ow 
'eavenly ! " 

Punch has often 
heard much nonsense 
talked by musical con- 
noisseurs, who com 
plain of the sad dearth 
of taste for music 
in this country ; but, 
seeing how St. James's Hall is weekly crammed in this eleventh 
season of the glorious Monday Pops, Punch cannot quite agree 
with this complaint against his countrymen. In the Delief that 
such performances have a civilising influence, and in the want of a good 
antidote against the poison of the music-halls, Punch wishes all success 
to the " Ops " and to the " Pops " ; and he hopes that no good church- 
man, when he wants to hear good music, will think that, for his ticket, 
it is wrong to go to CIIAPPELL. 

JANUARY 16, I860.] 




Sunday School Teacher (examining the Children from the Old Testament). " AND WHO WAS THE STRONGEST MAS ?" 
Pupil (addicted to Light Literature). " JACK THE GlANT-KiLLEB, TEACHER ! ! " 



Prince of Asturia. I am so fond of you, my dear Louis, you can't 
think. I like you better than all my sisters put together. 

Prince Imperial. I have neither brother nor sister.but I am sure if I 
had, I should prefer you to them. Do you like my Papa ? 

Prince of Asturia. Much better than the King, I can tell you. 

Prince Imperial. I don't see never mind. I hope you will live in 
Paris a long time, ALTONSO. 

Prince of Asturia (laughing). Thank you. It seems likely, I believe. 
But if you were all to move, I think that my Mamma would follow 

Prince Imperial. She is a dear, but tee don't mean to more. My 
Papa's dynasty is secure. 

Prince of Asturia. How do you know that, my dear Louis ? 

Prince Imperial. Wliisper. He knows all about it. He gives the 
Marshals all they desire, and keeps them in the best temper with us. 

Prince of Asturia. You are a year older than I am, Louis, and there- 
fore I must not teach you. But I will only say that my Mamma did 
exactly the same, and here we are. 

Prince Imperial. Ah ? 

Prince of Asturia. Yes, indeed. 

[They meditate a little, poor children, and then luckily recollect the 
naing lesson. 

Good News for Shakspearians. 

Tir CH A RMING MAD EMOISELLE NiLssoN has been prevailed upon by 
MR. MAPLESON to undertake to sing Ophelia in London, and is now 
studying the part in Italian. We are " so glad." For she can sing. 
Also, her delightful performance may direct English tastes towards the 
play whence her opera is taken, and some day who knows we may 
witness a good performance of Hamlet.' Thus sweetly doth music 
become a patron of poetry. 


GHOST of MAHOMET THE SECOND ! " One of the Mosques of Con- 
stantinople (that of Foundoukly) has, by the SULTAN'S order, been lit 
up with gas, and the other Mahometan places of worship are to be 
similarly illuminated. Punch is quite too much dumbfoundered to do 
more than mis-quote a departed poet of Blackvood ; 

" Stern shades of the proud Palnologi, come, 
And when moonlight is stone on the broad Hippodrome, . 
There pledge to the shroudless Comncni the cup, 
For joy that the Hosques are all gas-lighted up." 

Constantinople gas ! We wonder whether it is better tb/iif London 
gas. It easily might be. We are the laggards in civilisation. Allah 
Ola Allah! 

Awful Warning to Wags. 

A NEW literary journal has appeared at Bordeaux, called L'Huttre. 
The authorities interdict its sale in the streets. Various pleasing 
thoughts occurred to our Wag, hereon. He first asked why an oyster 
should not be sold in the streets of Bordeaux as well as in those of 
London. Then he was imbecile about an oyster being crossed in 
literature. Then he got upon pearls, but we couldn't stand him any 
longer, and told him that the second meaning of L'Huitre described 
himself. He ran out to get a dictionary, and came in much depressed, 
having discovered that such second meaning was The Simpleton. We 
sent him home in a cab, and hope that he is no better than could be 


a Parish .Clerk is always offending his 

WHY is it probable that 
Clergyman during the week ? 

Because the congregation invariably hear him on Sunday making 
Amem to him. 



[JANUARY 1C, 1869. 




FROM the Preface which was honoured. I hope, by your perusal last 
week, you will have learnt the object of this present series. If you 
liave not, I should be inclined to go over the same ground with you 
again, did I not recollect that at the end I should be no further ad- 
vanced than I was at the beginning, and moreover I should be com- 
pelled, at the request of any who had seen neither this chapter nor the 
nitial one, to accompany them also along the old path. 

These two concessions would form precedents for a third, and then 
Eeaven knows when the first Chapter would begin. 

And besides the above considerations, there recurs to my mind the 
ixcellent advice given by the celebrated MR. DUCROW to a dramatic 
author, "Cut the dialect, come to the osses that's amoosin'." 

No one knew better than that equestrian genius wherein lav his 
strength. Peasants might defy proud nobles behind the footlights, 
md be dragged off by the tyrant's " creatures " to the deepest dungeon 
jeneath the castle moat, heroines might utter sentiments the most 
virtuous, and keep the double-dyed villain at bay with his, the double- 
dyed villain's own sword, but to '"osses" it must come at last; and 
'osses meant to MB. DUCROW what the people had not only " come for 
to see," but the amusement of the evening, without which the 
audience would not go away satisfied, even if they left at all, the 
attraction that drew the metal into the Manager's pocket. 

Cut the dialect and come to the 'oases. Cut this sort of semi- 
jreface and your apologies for not giving us another for which 
ipbody axed you, Sir, she said and come to your beasts, or your 
iirds, or your fishes, Mr. Showman ; one by one, or two and two, in 
Noah s-arkical fashion ; or all together, as they used to be when the 
Eappy Family occupied " the finest site in the world " (I quote some 
iclebrated person), between the Great Basilican Cruet-stand, commonly 
ailed the] National Gallery on the one hand ; and on the other, 
the Square of Trafalgar, with its terrace, and steps, and fountains, 
with its view of a black GEORGE THE FOURTH, riding no where, ^without 
stirrups ; with its LORD NELSON, like an elevated DANIEL among the 
Lions, near a cable to sit down upon whenever he feels so inclined, 
but at present preferring to look over in the direction of Westminster, 
reminding Honourable Members what are England's expectations of 
every man in regard to his particular duty. 

And the above description flows out of a space six feet or so, by 
three or thereabouts, occupied by the familiar cage of the Happy Family. 

I wonder what has become of them ? I seldom see them now 
I had almost written " never," only that, being a logician. I knew that 
a "particular" would totally upset my "general;" and I have a dream- 
like notion of having met them once within the last ten years. Perhaps 
it was a dream. I think that even then the Cat and the Monkey had 
had a slight difference, not amounting to an actual rupture of the 
amicable relations hitherto existing between them. They shared, so 
to speak, a tail between them. Tins belonged to the Cat, but she 
could scarcely call it her own for two minutes together, as the Monkey 
was never tired of handling it, pulling it, admiring it, and evidently 
regarding the Cat with envy, as a being at once curiously and wonder- 
fully made. 

1 fancy too, from a prophetic hint casually dropped by the Show- 
man, that the Owl wno had sat blinking on her perch for years, 
began to misuse her powers of observation. She made a deal of 
mischief inside, and outside too, by communicating her suspicions to 
the lookers-on, who up to that time had considered them as dwelling 
in a perfect Agapemone, or Abode of Love. She spread some scandal 
about the sleek black rabbit and the demure pretty little guinea-pig. 
Not that Mrs. Owl said much ; she hardly uttered a sound ; but if the 
delinquents' names were mentioned by outsiders, she'd wink porten- 
tously and shake her head so gravely and solemnly that you couldn't 
help murmuring, " Dear me ! how shocking ! 1 'm really very sorry to 
hear it," and would pass on without subscribing a penny for the support 
of ^such a hypocritical and profligate institution. 

Thus it was, i believe that this Happy Family was broken up. Still 
Owls, you see, run very deep. I dare say the dissolution of this 
Happy Family is an exception. If the Owl had never winked and 
blinked at anybody outside the cape, that little matter between the 
'1 r. Rabbit and Miss Guinea-, ig might easily have been hushec 
up ; and as no one beyond their own circle would have heard anything 
about it, folks would still be holding up their hands in admiring wondei 
at such blissful unity. 

If the late estimable CHAHLES WATERTON had "not preferred stuffec 
to live animals, he was just the man to have collected a Happy Family 
on the above model, which he, doubtless, would have called "The 
English Establishment." MR. WATERTON didn't, however, and I 

won t ; at least not at present, having quite enough on hand with my 

present exhibition. 
I am rather among the birds, at first. It is not necessary to hav 

kept poultry in order to have frequently met with, or heard of, a Jolly Old 
Cock. The epithet "old" is loosely applied, and is more a term of 
ndearment thana.deseription of any very advanced age; indeed, more 
oquendi, it may be used of any one from fifteen to a hundred. 

Nor, indeed, are the adjectives themselves so arranged as to bear too 
lose an analysis of this meaning. " Jolly," by that licence which is 
onceded to poetry and slang, is -often in the place of the superlative 
' very," and it might therefore appear as if the Cock in question was 
' very old." 

As I have shown, such is not necessarily the case. 3 
oily Old Cock to be " Old " (in an affectionate sense) Jolly Cock, 
you will at once have before you a pretty clear idea of the bird in 

Now for this and other birds. 

Some time since I had the pleasure of making the acquaintance ol a 
jeautiful specimen; middle-aged, in full plumage, and quite Cock ot 
his own walk. 

I had known him by reputation for years before. Everyone said he 
was a " Jolly Old Cock." I think as many say so now ; though, perhaps, 
hey are not the same people. 

The peculiar circumstances that interested me in this old Bird were 
hese ; namely, that he was a Jolly Old Cock, that his son was a Great 
loose, who married a Little Duck. 

And of these the story you shall hear forthwith. 
(To be Continued.) 


The Right Hon. JOHN BRIGHT arrived at Osborne on a visit to HER 


The Right Hon. JOHN BRIGHT dined with HER MAJESTY. 
The Right Hon. JOHN BRIGHT took his leave of HER MAJESTY." 
Court Circular. 

AND so " the whirligig of time 
Brings its revenges round " ! 
Is it the ground has changed for him ? 
Or has he changed his ground ? 

This sitter 'neath the gangway moved 

Up to the Treasury Bench ! 
A Member of the Cabinet, he 

Who erst made Cabinets blench ! 

And yet the^ Offices go on 

In calm circumlocution : 
In Whitehall and in Downing Street 

No roar of revolution ! 

And he can boast, and truly boast, 

The change is not in him. 
1 waited, as the years went by, 

A .'id, resolved, and grim. 

Thought out his thought and spoke it out, 

Nor cared for howl or cheer : 
Reckless what faith his speech might win, 

What hate provoke, or fear. 

Foresaw, foretold, derided oft, 

The current of the laws ; 
Nor steered his course for Office, more 

Than shaped it for applause. 

Till the great tide, whose forces deep 

Nor men nor modes withstand, 
Bore spoils of office to his feet, 

And power into his hand. 

" I sought them not : they came to me," 

He says and says what 's true : 
So Punch can vouch whose baton oft 

Hath beat him black and blue. 

A Comic Boon to Humanity. 

CHLOROFORM appears likely to be superseded by the Protoxide of 
Nitrogen. This new anesthetic is the old laughing gas. Operations 
will become mere jokes when the patients undergoing them laugh at 
them. Of course there will then be an end of all serious operations. 


MRS. MAIAPROP, who took the greatest interest in the QUEEN'S 
Book, is eagerly looking forward to another treat of the same kind, 
having heard that " HER. MAJESTY'S Tower " is about to appear. 











I I 





K^ W3 



FH w 
2 8 

Hj> w 



JANUARY 1C, 1869.] 




(On Ecclesiastical Vestments and novel Ceremonies.) Affi : " Jenny Jonei." 

You knows " BETSY WARING, 
What goes out a-charing," 
Likewise for an airing 

On Sunday I go. 
To Church at eleven, 
Or P.M. at seven, 
To 'ear about 'eaven 

And what 's down below. 
I likes when my teachers, 
The reverend preachers, 
Send tears down my features 

A running : and, oh ! 
1 'ra sometimes a-weepin', 
And sometimes a-sleepin', 
But always a keepin' 

Respectful : just so. 

I 've old fashioned notions 

About my devotions, 

Which 1 takes, like my lotions, 

At the proper time. 
I 'm fond of a sermon, 
And psalms about Hermon, 
And hymns to a German 

Tune ; which it 's sublime ! 
I likes the prayers said out, 
The Colicks all read out, 
With them we are fed out 

Of Scripsher alone. 
'Tis a block for my stumblin" 
To hear parsons mumblin". 
With the organ a-rumblin 

To give "em a tone. 

Years back, cast your eye up, 
The pulpit was high up, 
The reading-desk nigh up 

ToMaf: it was/fe. 
His head just emergin' 
And dressed gown of serge in, 
Sat droning and dirgin' 

The clerk his " Amen." 
But now that 's all knock 'd down, 
The Clerk 's somewhere cocVd down, 
And boys, whitely frock'd, down 

The Church walk demure, 
The " wersiekles " singin', 
The " innocence " a-swingin', 
And sparks about flingin', 

I nope they insure. 

The Curate, a spooney 'un, 
Sings the Communion; 
His voice is a tuney 'un 

At a slow rate ; 
They separate " the sexes," 
Which some people vexes, 
And they sing all the texes, 

While handin" the plate. 
They crosses and blesses, 
Wears wonderful dresses, 
Their names no one guesses ; 

/WM (old: so you see . 
They call "em " dam-maticks," 
Ana that 's like Rheumatics, 
Which I wish them fanatics 

Could feel 'stead o' me. 

We don't have no hossacks : 
The clergy wear " cossacks," 
Which fit as they wot sacks 

Tied in with a band 
They calls lessons, "lections;" 
They makes " Jcnnyflexious " 
In various directions, 

I don't understand. 
They 've one papist Massy bell, 
They wear " cope " and chatty\\, 
Which makes me irascible 

As a Protestant taught 
To call all this flummery 
" Papistical mummery : " 
They do this my summary 
What they didn't ought. 

If Bishops don't stop it, 
The Clergy won't drop it, 
The rich folks up prop it, 

Well let 'em, / say. 
I '11 pat my golosh up, 
And TOM'S magginloM up, 
Till I 3nd where to teas/tup 

In the old fashion'd way. 
They've "chassybel" and A cope" too, 
They '11 soon have a Pope too, 
I must say I hope to 

See them go to Rome : 
Oh drat them fanatics 
As wears them dammatics, 
Yes, 1 '11 stop, with rheumatics, 

Next Sunday at home. 


PASS the Amontillado and touch upon Spain, glancing rapidly at its 
beggars, bull-fights, castanets, chestnuts, \Don Quixole. fans, randan- 
goes, gipsies, Inquisition, LOPE DE VEGA, mantillas/mules, MURILLOS, 
olives, olive complexions, olla podrida, onions, priests, queens, revolu- 
tions and wines (including its CLARET) ; then, by an (easy transition, 
glide from PRIM to Primogeniture, and entail upon your audience a 
brief resume of the letters and articles that have lately been written on 
this fertile topic, so as to land them in a discussion embracing the 
descent of real property, wills, marriage settlements, eldest sons, in- 
testacy, gavelkmd, fee-simple.^ solicitors' charges, and Borough 
English, which will remind you of the Election Petitions, and the 
pleasant Christmas seventy M.P.'s must have passed, thinking of those 
three terrible Judges, BLACKBURN, WILLES, and MARTIN, whose 
name will naturally (or rather natural historyally) introduce the un- 
timely appearance of a swallow on a vicarage lawn in Somersetshire, 
as an indication of the mildness of the season, the swallow leading 
you on to dilate upon the cost, as lately stated, of the dinner on Lord 
Mayor's Day, an entertainment sure to put into your head the " Loving 
Cup " which gave you so much pleasure at the New Royalty Theatre, 
and the Pantomimes, and Cyril's Success, which deserves to oe a great 
success at the Globe, and the new Gaiety, whose Manager, following 
the good example set years ago at the Adelphi, having abolished afl 
fees, ought to be rewarded by finding his handsome house become in 
this cosmopolitan London to quote MR. BURKE" the Gaiety of 
Nations," a phrase which perhaps, at this present juncture, you will 
remark, does not make one at once think of Turkey and Greece, two 
nationalities certain to tempt you to serve up some) of the fine old 
fruity jokes their names suggest ; but you must resist your evil pas- 
sions, and also your inclination to go into the Paris Conference, and 
guesses at its result, and other speculations, (including OVEREND, 
GURNET & Co.), and instead be firm as a rock, and protest against 
Gibraltar being exchanged for Ceuta, and express your satisfaction at 
the decision come to touching another suitor in the cause of MARTIN 
v. MACKONOCHIB, always provided that you have previously made 
sure that there is not amongst the company an uncompromising mem- 
ber of the English Church Union," or the Editor of a High Church 
paper, or a Curate blushing rubric red, or fiery young Acolyte dis- 
sentient listeners who might be the cause of an eruption, which would 
be undesirable just when you wished to join the ladies, and ascertain 
the exact shade of the new Colour" Aamme du Vesmte." 

AGRICULTURAL. The poorest farmer in the land, if unable to feed 
his calves, can always graze his shins. , 


" LIFE let us cherish," as an old song says, and therefore, as another 
old song says, let us Man the Life-boat. Now, you Gentlemen of 
England, who live at home at ease, and sit cosily at dinner with TOUT 
napkins on your knees, how many lives do you suppose have been 
saved in the last twelvemonth by the Lifeboat Institution ? Just look 
at this account of its year's labours in life-saving : 

" This long list makes a total of 570 lives rescued by the life-boats of the 
Institution from the above-Darned disasters, in addition to twenty-four vessels 
saved from destruction. During the same period the Life-boat Institution 
granted rewards for saving 259 lives by fishing and other boats, making a 
grand total of 829 lives saved mainly through its instrumentality. In the 
same period the crews of the life-boats of the society, at a very large expense, 
hare either assembled or put off in reply to signals of distress ISO time* to 
ihips not eventually requiring their services." 

And look at this account of work done since its starting : 

" The number of lives saved either by the life-boats of the institution, or 
by special exertions for which it has granted rewards since its formation, is 
17,800, for which services ninety gold medals, 792 silver medals, and 28,906 
in cash, have been given as rewards. When we remember that nearly every 
life saved by life-boats has been rescued under perilous circumstances, it wifl 
at once be seen what great benefit has been conferred by the Life-boat Insti- 
tution, not only on the poor men themselves and on the country, but also on 
their wives and children, who would otherwise be widows and orphans. Since 
the beginning of the present year the institution has spent 18,813 on its 
194 life-boat stations on the coasts of England, Scotland, and Ireland ; and 
since its first establishment in 1824 it has expended 212,820 on its life-boat 

Britons often brag about their British " institutions." Now, is not 
this an Institution which we may well be proud of ? and should not 
every great Briton, and small Briton, who is rich enough, fork out like 
a Briton for the Life-boat Institution f 

A Trifle from the Bock. 

WE have rarely read a better thing than this, which we find in the 
Home News for India : 

" 'Whether we give up Gibraltar, or do not, there can be no hurry. We 
should like the Spaniards, in the first place, to show themselves mindful of 
two things ; the Bonds from which England delivered Spain, and the Bonds 
which Spain has delivered to England." 

If Indian readers are often treated to brilliancy like this, no wonder 
they don't think much of LORD MATO. 



[JANUARY 16, 18G9. 


OP course. Mr. Punch, you are aware that the MARQUIS OP BUTE, 
who was said to have arrived at years of discretion the other day, has 
gone over to Rome. You will probably consider that in so doing he 
set an example which the Ritualist parsons would do honestly to 
follow. One of these gentlemen, the REV. MR. GOING, is reported to 
have celebrated a mimic mass at St. Paul's, Walworth, last Sunday 
week. Is it not high 
time, Sir, that this 
GOING was gone ? 
And if he hesitate to 
;o, about his business 
it any rate, and out 
of his Walworth in- 
cumbency, ought he 
not to be made, and 
can he not be ? Are 
lot these also ques- 
tions to be asked con- 
cerning the REV. MR. 
ABBOTT, one of his 
issistant mimes, and 
likewise with respect 
to the REV. MR, 
RICHARDS, who is 
said, whilst MESSRS. 
Some and ABBOTT 
were playing Popery 
it Walworth, to have 
>een engaged in a 
similar performance 
at All Saints', Marga- 
ret Street? As to 
le appears not as yet 
:n have made his mind 
up whether he will 
obey the law or no ; 
the necessity, there- 
fore, for his expul- 
sion is not urgent. 

In the preachment 
as reported in the 
Times, on the occasion 
above referred to, 
you may have been 
amused, Sir, by the 
passage following : 

" But now that the 
Church is in earnest it 
is persecuted; it is in 
the condition of the 
words of St. Paul, 
1 Troubled on every 
side,' and he doubted 
not that days of prose- 
cution and persecution 
were in store, and that 
some would seal their 
confession with their 

Perhaps, Sir, MR. 
RICHARDS has as little 
serious doubt that the 
time is coming when 
Ritualists will be 
martyred, as he has 
of the reality of his 
power to perform in- 
visible miracles. If 
so, then there is all 
the greater reason 
why he should take pattern from that conscientious young man, the 
MARQUIS OP BUTE. He may be quite sure that the Legislature, so 
far from ever venturing to persecute the genuine Roman Catholic 
Priests, will let them have everything entirely their own way, except, 
perhaps, that, should they insist, as ARCHBISHOP MANNING says, on 
either ' mastery or martyrdom, it may be so judicious as to allow 
them neither the one nor the other. If Parson RICHARDS will only 
turn Romish Priest, he may profess to perform what miracles he 
pleases without molestation from the law or the Legislature. He 
will also enjoy the satisfaction of having his miraculous pretensions 

not denied both by Protestants and Romanists too : and this is a con- 
sideration which all the other Ritualist parsons might put in their pipes, 
or rather their censers, and smoke. Parson GOING, for example, is 
held by the priests whose practices he tries to imitate, a mere layman, 
disqualified from filling any pulpit above that of an auctioneer. He 
may knock himself down, then. Again I say, let GOING be gone. 

The MARQUIS OF BUTE is reported to intend proceeding to Palestine. 
On this pilgrimage the patrons of the M. B. waistcoat may be farther 
advised to march after him. Anyhow they might go to Jericho. 

The version, not 
to say either conver- 
sion or perversion, of 
is his own affair, and 
that of nobody else 
but the POPE, and the 
POPE'S British sub- 
jects, for whom, pro- 
bably, it will be a 
good thing. In get- 
ting a " vert " worth 
300,000 a year, the 
Fisherman of the 
Tiber may be said to 
have hooked a con- 
siderable gold-fish. 
From this combina- 
tion of "or" and 
" vert " will accrue, 
doubtless, Peter's 
Pence and their 
equivalent in many 
Zouaves and Chasse- 
ppts, that will perform 
visible miracles, which 
nobody can deny ; no, 
not even one who 
holds, in relation to 
the See of Peter, the 
place of the Member 

P.S. The Ritualist 
parsons cannot follow 
without leaving their 
incomes behind them. 
But what is that to 
" pious souls " like P. 
and Co. ? 



THE subject of 
"Musical Pitch" is 
too abstruse for us, 
quite out of our com- 
pass, as the whole 
tenor of this para- 
graph will show, in- 
deed we have been 
obliged to look into 
" Knight " for the 
meaning of diapason ; 
but as there are pre- 
luding symptoms of 
discord and disagree- 
ment on the question, 
we just note it, on 
this which is or ought 
to be the octave of 
St. Cecilia, to express 
a hope first that the 
conductors of the dis- 
pute will not be such flats as to descend so low in the scale as to 
pitch into each other, and next that they will come to a harmonious 
conclusion, and be successful in attaining the pitch of perfection. Pitch 
suggests toss, but perhaps this mode of deciding the point (not coun- 
terpoint, is it ?) would be thought too low. We proposed it with a 
quaver, merely as a crotchet of our own, and hope very soon to have 
the pleasure of hearing MR. SIMS REEVES in Exeter Hall again. 


JANUARY 1G, 1869.] 










TRUTH is stated in the letter in the Times of the other day, 
headed " Poison for the Hair." My hair has got very grey but I am 
not very old so my hair is greyer tnan it ought to be, and I look older 
than I am. Hence I have people, on occasion, offering me their arms, 
as though I could not walk without assistance. Unless I take care to 
spring into an omnibus, my entrance is generally expedited with a 
helping hand by the RICHARD BAXTER of a conductor. Also people 
are apt to shout into my cars as though I were deaf, and to inform me 
that 1 must expect this, that, or the other at my time of life. All this 
is a bore, and if I could renovate my hair, at least to a shade that 
would not be ridiculously out of keeping with my visage, I shouldn't 

Sir, a bottle of wash fell in my way, purporting, by a statement with 
which it was labelled, to be a restorative of the hair to its pristine 
colour, but no dye. If I had believed this I should have used the 
wash, in order to put a stop to the civilities and incivilities with which 
people, according to their natures, are accustomed to annoy the aged- 
looking. But I suspected that it contained sugar-of-lead the parent, 
by absorption, when rubbed into the system through the scalp, or any- 
where else, of painters' colic and palsy. So I got a spoonful of it 
given me, not to buy a bottle for several shillings, and to this, Sir, I 
id add a few drops of iodide of potassium dissolved in water. Let 
any of your readers who flatter themselves that they are renovating 
but not dyeing their hair by the use of any such popularly advertised 
wash, go and do likewise. If, then, the wash thus tested is struck, as 
I found it, a rich yellow, the lotion is leaden, and their heads will be 
more so if they continue to use it. 

Ah, Sir, the best thing to prevent the hair from turning grey, and 
without which nothing will ever restore its colour, is the blessed cer- 
tainty of a sufficient income. It is the winter of anxiety that crests 
the head with snow, and makes a Mont Blanc of a man be he never so 
stumpy. If Nature has endowed him with reflective faculties, and 

Fortune has not endowed him with an assured competence, no wash 
that is not a dye will avail to renew his hair, so as to improve it to any 
colour from that of mouldy, if not, CAJJISSOCUS. 

Tuelfthcake Day, 1869. 


PUNCH has a propensity for praising Aldermen, and it is a shame 
that they do not more often give him the opportunity of indulging it. 
He pounces upon a case in which he has that happiness. A Norfolk 
farmer of substance (for he occupies 700 acres) was brought before 
MR. ALDERMAN FINNIS, last week, charged with sending up abomi- 
nably unsound meat to the London market. When the charge had 
been proved, MR. ALDERMAN FINNIS observed that a fine woula be no 
punishment, and therefore he favoured the substantial but unrighteous 
farmer with a sentence which probably involved some-^-he sent the 
farmer to the House of Correction for a month. The rich are in no 
danger from such rascality, they pay hideously extortionate prices, but 
they get good meat ; but in the interest of the poor, who are poisoned 
with carriou food, Mr, Pane A heartily thanks ALDERMAN FINNIS for 
the example made in the person of FARMER DODD, of Great Ryburgh, 
Norfolk. We imagine that it will be very safe indeed to deal with 
that bucolic personage, when he shall have returned into the peaceful 
groves of his county. 

Never Despair. 

MR. DREW, who has not succeeded in drawing MR. BRIGHT, as 
President of the Board of Trade, into approving his scheme for destroy- 
ing bottle-nosed whales, should apply to the Teetotal Societies : they 
would be sure to join him in any plan for exterminating animals of such 
a dissipated appearance. 

Vox STELLARUM. It is reported from Greenwich Observatory that 
there is reason to believe that Berenice's Hair is false. Nothing sur- 
prises us now. 


[JANUARY 16, 1869. 



HE Covent Garden Panto- 
mime, or Pdguw-tomime, as 
it might be called but- isn't, 
is brilliant and " gorgeously 
mounted," especially Ma. 
STOYLE, the basso, on two 
ingeniously contrived cro- 
codiles ; but it is not, to 
my thinking, very funny. 
Funny, when the inimitable 
PAYNES are on, it can't help 
being, representing as they 
do Robinson Crusoe and 
Man Friday, but very fuiinj 
it is not. Nor is MK. MOR- 
<;AX'S Transformation Scene 
equal either to his last year's 
performance, or "the clock" 
one in Cinderella ; neverthe- 
less it is sure to be popular 
on account of the lavish 
display of foil, tinsel and 
bright colours. By the way, 
MK.HAKUIS is a very clever 
man; but why does he 
always come forward to 
bow whenever great 'ap- 
plause greets some scenic 
effect: surely he can't do 
everything at Covent Gar- 
den? Perhaps, though, he 
does, and I didn't know it ; 
so lest 1 should make some 
other egregious mistake, I will, with the kind permission of my friends 
in front, pass on to . .. 

. Drury Lane. Charmingly pretty : specially adapted lor young chil- 
dren, and to old boys, it is brimful of real pantomime fun. The Pvss in 
Boots is played by MR. IRVING, who sings and dances capitally. Ihere 
is a good little bit of burlesque on the sensation scene in After Dark. 
The Cat is shut up in a basket, and breaks through to save his young 
master, whom villains as cruel as MESSRS. WAITER LACY and MURRAY 
at the Princess's have laid across the track of of no, not the tram, but 
the Miller's Wheelbarrow, which is driven on with all the noise, shrieks, 
and steam-up music that announces the approach of the velocipede 
engine and third-class carriage in MR. BOUCICAULT'S piece. MR. CUM- 
MINGS, as a Notary, sings a well written song, detailing the legacies in 
a will, which would be encored in a smaller house. The Comic business 
by MR. CLOWN & Co., (there are a double set), is full of "hits of the 
past year all more or less telling. Had I two hearts, 1 had lett them 
both with Mademoiselles the Columbines ; but not being so provided, 
I could only envy MR. HARLEQUIN, and console myself with a pinch ol 
snuff, subsequently, at the house of everyone's esteemed friend and 
" dear boy," Paddy Ever-GREEu's. . 

The Lyceum is also a capital boys' and girls Pantomime, and i 
remarkable among other matters as containing only one allusion tc 
somebody of the name of SMITH. We shall return to this subject next 
week, as the legs, or corkscrews on which MR. |VoU8 dances deserve ai 
especial notice, and the Transformation Scene is one of the prettiest 
and most tasteful of any we have witnessed. 

By the way. among the signs of these Theatrical times is the lact 
that at four Theatres in London are now singing and acting four young 
ladies from the Music Halls. The Gaiety has one in Miss CONSTANCE 
LOSEBY : Covent Garden one in Miss NELLIE (why not ELLEN ? was 
she christened NELLIE ?) POWER : the Queen's one in Miss KATE 
(Catherine surely, not KATE, sweet KATE) SANTLEY, and Drury Lane 
possesses Miss HARRIET COVENEY. 

Perhaps the Music Halls are not doing so particularly well just now 
certainly I see that no spirited Proprietor has yet got the Oxford. 

The Gaiety, in MR. GILBERT'S Operatic-burlesque of Roberto, present 
good Christmas fare; and MIL WIGAN'S personification of the Mounle 
lank is the salvation of a crude piece. This theatre, I suppose, i 
going to take up the Opera bovffe line, and I hope its management wi 
bring forward some English talent which is only waiting such a chance 
The lobbies of this house being still, of course, rather damp, are fum 
gated by " RIMMEL'S vaporisers." This is not mentioned as a puff 
tar from it: but if MR. RIMMEL will only put some of his delicion 
perfumes (and he has got some) into these machines, I will mentio 
him again .with pleasure. The Gaiety stalls are comfortable, and th 
house is brilliant. Here Venus and Mars wait upon the worshippei 
of the Comic Muse that is, amiable young ladies take your coat, if you ' 
let "em (and you can't refuse), and commiuionnaires take your tickets 
amiable young ladies offer you books and refreshments, rommiisionnair 
briefly, but politely, tell you where to go ; and more amiable yonn 

adies curtesy you to your seat. These nymphs were I was informed 
yaslydogwL knew all about it, trained behind the counters and 
alls of the Alhambra. Perhaps so; but no matter: they are very 
ice, and here's a health to all good lasses, merrily take your opera- 
lasses, sweep the stalls and boxes round. . 

What can I say of the HaymarketP MR. BOTHERS is back : with 
im the Hero of 'Romance as Jumpy as ever Alter this piece is ended, 
on will see MR. KEXDAI.'S performance of ryvyan the InMful Ihnr ; 
id if you've not seen HERR BANDMANN, you'll, see MR. KENDAL m 
travestie on his part which i better than the original : it you haven 
;en BAKDMANN, never mind, see KBNDAL. Any author of travesti 
eceives his reward from MR. GOMPTON, who plays burlesque M 
pirit, seriously, and makes every line tell, when it has got any thing to 
11 in it- and when it hasn't, why his delivery makes you think i 
Iiss IOXE BI-KKK sings and plays well throughout, and comes put 
ery strong in the last scene as a barrister. By the way, talking ot 
ood music (I wasn't, I know, but suppose we suppose 1 was), MR. 
VKNDAL gives MR. ARTHUR SULLIVAN'S Fifaro sort of song Irom lus 
ontrabattdista admirably. Not a note or a word is lost. 

This was only intended as a sort of prelude to one of the usual dra- 
latic sketches made in the front of the house, which, Ladies and 
reutlemen, I shall, with your tey'mA permission, call the Man in the 
ox, and which 1 will give you next week ; or, not to be too particular 
s to dates, as soon as possible. . , . 

** Why do actors ordinarily say " Stee-y " for sky, ***-id ' r 
ind, " Leeeeto-cj " for Lucy, " 7/a-aven " for Heaven ? &c. 1 his is not 
ew ; but no explanation has ever been given. A Pronouncing Dic- 
oiiary for the Stage would be useful. 


TWOS the cruel minute on my ujc as urn iu. 
Of the Treasury Board wot they made at Whitehall. 

And the thought to my 'art like a dagger went 'ome, 

As I thought of the ruin of bis'nis to conic ; 

And I felt pretty nearly to tear my clothes fain, 

But thought that would be wastiu my own things in vain. 

I remembered how fondly on them bills I gazed, 
That I 'eld of young clerks for the money they raised ; 
Bills at sixty per cent, vilst they now must decline, 
At the risk of their berths, all temptations of mine. 

I'm afraid of sitch profits I've seen the last day, 
And best part of my custom shall 'ave took away ; 
And I vishes an earthquake 'ad appened instead, 
And the Treasury fell on the Government's 'ead. 

The 'Oss Guards may the same regulation ordain, 
And the 'Varsities likewise, prewentin my gain ; 
Then us poor bill-discounters all ruined vill be, 
And 'ave vurk, or the vurkus left only for ve. 


Kelly's Directory for 18G9. 

THIS notice is simply apologetic. We have laid down one rule tor 
ourselves, from which we will not depart. We never review a book 
which we have not gone through from beginning to end, making such 
notes for reference, as may occur to us. Christmas has somewhal 
interfered with our examination of this Directory, and we have as yet 
?ot only to the north end of Bowterie Street, E.G. Thus far, we have 
found no fault, and we may say that the gigantic work appears to us 
to contain everything that anybody can by possibility want, and i 
great deal more. But we are approaching a most interesting and ex 
citing part of the composition, and we will spoil neither the pleasure 
of our readers nor our own by forestalling. We are rejoiced to see 
that the author is unflagging as ever, and that his stores seem to be 

Music and Patriotism. 

MR. SIMS REEVES is carrying the point for which, with true artistii 
feeling, he has long been struggling, in his own interest, no doubt, bu' 
not less in that of the singing world. MR. HALLE, among other cele 
brities, has given in his adhesion to the proposed reform. The Englisl 
Pitch is to be lowered to the French standard. But never shall the 
English Tar bow before the standard of France. Jammy, Mounseer 
That, we are adamant about. 

FAR most IT. The woman who is bent on marrying a man because 
he is a Lion, should remember that it does not necessarily follow tha 
she will become a Lioness. 

JANUARY 23, 1869.] 



and the KIM; or GREECE; and the Paris Conference; and the 
Velocipedes in that city, and the probability of their becoming the 
fashion in London ; and the dirt and danger of our streets ; and the 
Police ; and the organs ; and the niusinil pitch ; an<i u;tion 

of sea-birds on the Bass Hock; and Gibraltar; and the settlement of 
the difficulty with China, and " Tea, Sir, is in the Drawing-room." 

i. \VAYS adapt your conversation to your company. , 
If you find yourself seated at dinner by the side of j 
the wife of a dignitary of the Church of Ireland. [ 
eulogise Alii. GLADSTONE and MR. BRIGHT, and j 
ask her whether it is true that the average at- 
tendance at Divine Service in Protestant Churches 
in the Catholic Provinces is eleven, includ- 
ing the clergyman's family and the officials. If your next-chair 
neighbour chances to be a lady who is of the Evangelical way of think- 
ing, lament the unpleasant consequences that seem to result in China 
and elsewhere from the injudicious zeal of Missionaries, and tell her, 
if you happen to be an M.P., who has not been petitioned against, that 
you mean to bring the matter before Parliament. References, amusing 
but slightly irritating, to MR. BENNETT or Ma. MACKONOCHIE. and a 
positive assertion that ARCHDEACON D N in [early life held Pela- 
gian opinions, and that DR. P T was inclined to adopt the tenets of 

EMANUEL SWEDENBOKG, will make the after-dinner hour pass pleasantly, 
if the clergyman near you shows by his vestments and conversation that 
he would prefer the stake to having his candles put out by that extin- 
guishing LOUD CAIRNS. You can have no hesitation as to what you 
should sny to the foolish young creature whose hair, now of golden 
lustre, you remember was shabby colour when you met her twelve 
months ago at the LUMLKY GILLSONS : remarks ou the destructive 
character of dyea and washes and the diseases their use brings on. 
including hydrocephaliis, malaria, madness, and impecuniosity, from all 
of which several of your own friends and relatives have had hair-breadth 
eseapes, will fill up the intervals between the quadrilles agreeably, 
and if you are of a jocular turn, as you go round the room, and the 
room goes round with you in the waltz, whisper that you suppose 
women always were, and always will be, dying for men. Your popu- 
larity with boys in the holidays will be unbounded, if you can encourage 
them to give you the date of the foundation of ancient Rome, or the 
leading events in the life of NUMA POMPILIUS, with a translation off 
hand cl " Mm iiniti'i- xi/x exf mala," or any other scrap of catch Latin 
you can think of over dessert ; while, if you desire to make yourself 
agreeable to their sisters' governess, the readiest way will be to invite 
her opinion as to the best manuals of geography, chronology and 

Pass the bottle and get upon bottle-nosed whales ; and the PRINCE'S 
visit to Egypt, and the reception he will have from the Viceroy ; and 
LORD SPENCER'S public entry into Dublin; and GLADSTONE'S inten- 
tions on the laud question ; and threatening letters; and letters in the 
papers about primogeniture, hair-dyes, young men, criminalism and 
pauperism ; and poor outcasts in rags looking into fruiterers' shop 
windows at pears a guinea a-piece ; and the first-fruits of Ministerial 
economy, as shown in reductions m Commissiouerships, Dockyards, 
and Public Departments ; and the Department of Science and Art, 
and the Meyrick Collection of Armour at South Kensington and the 
new Parish Church it is proposed to build in that quarter of London ; 
and the Ritualists and their meetings in freemasons' Hall ; and the 
PRINCE OF WALES having become a Freemason while, in Denmark ; 




WELL. I declare ! If Music, which means the tame as Harmony, 
And if there are any Savage Breasts professes to be quite equal to 

charm any, 
Isn't again causing Able Conductors and Pleasing Vocalist* to fly 

at each other. 
When every true Musician should regard the rest as a Man and a 


(Of course I don't mean when he 's a Sister, that 's different conditions. 


Instead of letting Passions rise because Pitch is to be let fall, 
Surely such Sentiments don't become I'hiladelpheion, namely, Exeter 


Highty tighty, goody me, I tay, Come you know, Bless me. My word ! 
Considering the Matter in unfriendly Spirits is a good deal worse than 

Why, you know, if Brazen instruments gets rusty, a Sensible Man oils 


But if Human Voices grow rusty, the rust takes and Spoils 'em, 
Because you can't oil voices, though you can the inside of a throat, 
As salads, Cod Liver, Olives, Castor, Sardines, and others useless to 

Brilliant no doubt, Conductors are, like the lightning which runs down 

(Not them, but the iron ones) and ought to have Noble Laurels to 

crown them, 

And I'm sure to hear a great orchestra go off Simultaneous 
Impresses with the highest idea of Instrumental genius. 
But voices before instruments, MIRIAM before TUBAL CAIN, 
(At least she came after him, but my Allegorical meaning is plain) 
What is made by Nature can only be mended by her, and she won't 

mend it, 
Whereas Most Respectable makers will mend your Pipe whenever you 

please to send it. 
And if SIMS REEVES, and HALLE, and MANNS, and the rest say Down 

with Pitch, 

(As if laying Bitumen pavement) the Conductors should behave as sich. 
That .is, conduct themselves, namely, with Suavity, Conciliation, and 

leave off sulking, 
Pitch ill feeling to the deuce, and Toss discord clean out of the Welkin. 


A FRENCH gentleman, writing on French theatres, informs us that 
as soon as a Parisian young lady is married, she demands to be taken 
to a playhouse, where it is supposed that she is more likely to see and 
hear tl: it she should not " than in any other edifice of the kind. We 
are sorry to hear such an account of the mothers of Young France. 
On the whole, we are glad that no such marriage right exists in Eng- 
land, and that if there did, we have no theatre for its exercise. Flippant, 
stupid, sensational, our theatrical presentations may be, but they are 
nearly harmless, and would be quite so if managers were aware how 
very inexpensive, thanks to free trade and improved machinery, femi- 
nine garments are. The misplaced economy which deprives the ballet 
of clothing may be creditable to the honesty of managers, but is other- 
wise objectionable. But we have no Palais-Royal for the demoralisation 
of brides. 

Parliamentary Thought. 

ONE of the Windsor election witnesses described somebody as the 
very nian that was wanted as an agent, " because he looked e.\ 
like a tool, but wasn't one." Curious, that many electors should employ 
precisely the opposite rule when selecting the very man wanted as 
an M.P. 


SENDING a donation the other day, anonymously, to the -Metropolitan 
Free Drinking Fountains' Association (a deserving society), V\ ATER- 
FORD LAKE signed himself, not inappropriately " A Well-Wisher." 



[JANUARY 23, 1869. 







" The Rock 's not a bad stone." 

" We won't let it go," 

Savs the fiery BOB LOWE. 

"Hold -it tight, hold it tight," 

Says the stalwart JOHN BRIGHT. 

" It was hard work to win," 

Says the sensible GLYN. 

" Red hot balls from the anvil," 

Says elegant GRANVILLE. 

" It 's a place we should guard well, 

Says moderate CARDWKI.L. 

" Yes, that 's clear enough," 

Says the well-informed DUFF. 

" Who'd yield it be huns," 

Says the Scots lawyer, YOUNG. 

" the thought were too grovelling," 

Says Irish O'LoGHLEN. 

" One's brain it bewilders," 

Says chivalrous CHILDERS. 

" And stirs up one's bile," 

Says the valiant ARGYLL. 

" Sooner fight every swearing Don," 

Says smoke-loving CLARENDON. 

" Who 'd yield it's a Pagan," 

Says Catholic O'HAGAN. 

" And we won't to the Don sell," 

Says gold-scorning MONSELL. 

" He ought to be taught his cue," 

Says spirited FORTESCUE. 

" We fet the old buffer in ! " 

Says dignified DUFFERIN. 

" Because donkeys will bray hard ? " 

Says plain-spoken LAYARD. 

" And talk Mrs. Partington ? " 

Says valiantest HAIITINGTON. 

" Such appeals are no use," 

Says the true-hearted BRUCE. 

" And make a man toss chin," 

Says lofty J. GOSCHEN. 

" We don't give things thot way," 

Says mirthfullest OTWAY. 

" British flag on that old ridge," 

Says classical COLERIDGK. 

" Good boys," say quite fatherly 




Two subjects have lately been prominently before the public in 
the Times our Criminals and our Theatricals. The galleries o! our 
targe theatres when pantomime is played are crowded, and in the 
crowd must necessarily be a large proportion of pickpockets, from the 
professor to the graduate, from him to the undergraduate, and so to 
the pupils at Faoin's preparatory school for young gentlemen. Well, 
Sir, what do they see? Sir, the object which most excites their 
laughter is the Policeman ill used by Clown, and treated with contumely 
and indignity by that speckled ruffian. 

Now, Sir, as long as we permit the representative of law and order 
to be thus assailed and exposed to public ridicule, how can we expect 
minds, naturally leaning towards evil, to be imbued with the majesty of 
those principles which are embodied or embobbied in the persons of 
our protective force ? I used the word " BOBBY " just now. At this 
time, when it is proposed to erect a new statue to that eminent 
legislator, SIR ROBERT PEEL, can we find no belter way of sustaining 
his fame in the Metropolis than by calling the beings of his creation 
' Bobbies," and occasionally " Peelers " '1 

door, &c., in order that seven constables, one after the other, may fall 
over you and hurt themselves, is not a model for imitation. 
I remain, Sir, 



FOLLOW the little shoeblack home, who has been brightening your 
boots in these dirty streets, and you will find that his work is not yet 
done, for you will see him busily polishing off his supper. 


MR. PUNCH is certainly not going to forestal the decision in the 
OVEREND AND GURNEY case. It is before a Mayor and an Alderman, 
and until they shall have said their say, he reserves his. But he wants 
to protest against the case being called " great," in compliance with 
the foolish habit of the day, which takes bigness for greatness. It is 
only great because a great deal of money was lost and a great many 
people were ruined. And the fate of MESSRS. GURNEY, BIHKBECK, 
BARCLAY, GORDON, and RENNIE, ought not to be affected by anything 
except justice. They are accused of a specific offence, and they declare 
that they can refute the accusation. The allegation is that they frau- 
dulently constructed a Company, whose assets largely consisted of bad 
debts, that the men who sold these debts to the Company were insol- 
vent and that those who bought those debts knew the circumstances. 
It happens that the old firm of OVEREND AND GURNEY is charged 
with having owed Twenty Three Millions, and with having had to set 
against this only Twenty Millions of doubtful assets. The charge may 
be disproved, as may other charges raised by the prosecutor, DR. THOM, 
and his solicitor, MR. LEWIS. But the case should be argued apart 
from the magnitude of figures, and as if a firm of Tripesellers in a 
back street behind Holborn had owed 23, and set over 20 to a 
Trotter Company, Limited. Let right be done, and let us have no false 
moral perspective. 

Playing upon a Word. 

AN acquaintance of ours, an incessant flute-player, who is fond ol 
fine words, but has had a somewhat imperfect education, will talk about 
his Tootle-ary Genius ! 

" We never say ' die,' but we do it." 

JANUARY 2.3, 1869.] 



Old Bachelor Friend (to Paterfamilias, who was disposed to chaff him on kit single eunednen). " You 8KB, JACK, YOU 'VB OONB IN FOB 



A CKIITAIN man went the other night to a ball at past ten o'clock, 
and he did not come away till three. He believes he left the whole ol 
the dancers behind him, except two young ladies and their Mamma, 
whom lie took away he is bound to add, at their own time. Nobody 
else, that he knows of, had gone but a gentleman who did not dance, 
and who did not care to slay because he could only get claret- 
cup and not any brandy-atid-water. The gentleman might have danced 
if he had remained, but then again he might not, for there is no affirm- 
ing the converse of Af/ao saltait sobrius. Indeed that aphorism itself is 
not altogether undeniable. The companion of those three ladies danced, 
and he was never drunk in his life on duty. He danced attendance, 
to be sure that was all. 

By the way, he would fain remind the numerous girls whose educa- 
tion has enabled them to construe Latin, that the insobriety pro- 
nounced by CICERO conditional to dancing, does not necessarily imply 
brandy-and-water, or anything like it, or even so much as claret-cup. It 
is quite compatible with nothing stronger than Adam's ale; as teeto- 
tallers often demonstrate by their demonstrations. 

He has heard serious people object to dancing. If they would but 
go to a ball and see any, they would find it no laughing matter. He 
can assure them that the most part of dancers go through the amuse- 
ment of spinning round and round, and wheeling in prescribed direc- 
tions, with perfect gravity. In one dance, indeed, named "The 
JLancers, this man, who had never for many years witnessed any 
dancing out of a theatre, where it was incidental to some otherwise 
rational performance, beheld a sort of gesticulation ceremonious to the 
degree of absolute solemnity. The parties concerned in this action 
stood facing each other and bowed half-way to the ground. An idea 
then struck him. He thought it would answer the purpose of a com- 
poser ot dance-music to publish a Ritualist Quadrille, with a coloured 
portrait of MR. MACKONOCIIIE in full pontificals on the face of it 
It occurred to him that a dance illustrative of Ritualism would afford 
ample scope for the display of grace and elegance in congees and genu- 

flections, and that the Terpsichorean rubric of chaaez-croiuez, especially 
ero'utez, might be executed in characteristic style. Also that occasion 
would be afforded by a Ritualist Quadrille for wearing the most mag. 
nificent vestments, liable to no possibility of prohibition by the Privy 
Council, that flowers might be exhibited in profusion, candles burnt by 
^as-light, and eau-de-Cologne or kiss-me-quick could do duty for 

[The writer of this article has a wooden leg, and a tendency to 
bunions oa his remaining natural foot. ED.] 

" GIB." 

WHKX gentle France gives up Algiers, 

Prussia the kingdoms lately gripped, 
Off from Circassia Russia sheer?, 

And SAM'S Red Indians prowl unwhipped : 
When Italy surrenders Naples, 

Spain's fangs on Cuba's neck unlock, 
We '11 think about Gibraltar's ape hills, 

And theu we "11 keep the grand Old Rock.' 

The Logic of Bribery. 

IT is the opinion of a good many free and independent British 
electors that bribery is not only in nowise wrong ; but, on the contrary, 
quite right and proper. They argue that liberty to barter tlicir votes 
for a sovereign, or any number of sovereigns, is a prerogative of the 
sovereignty inherent in the Sovereign People, and that there is not one 
of all our most cherished institutions more valuable than Sovereign 


SMITHFIELD was once notorious for its stake, but now, with lie 
great meat market there, it will become famous for its steaks. 


[JANUARY 23, 1869. 



NOT having written any beautiful plays for tlie last forty or 
fifty years, may I write a word in the way of a theatrical notice P You 
see that I cannot be suspected of wishing to please anybody except 
myself, yourself, and the rest of the population of the world. 

Mull at the Haymarket. I like those stalls, because there is 
room to pass other people without making women frown and men 
scowl. Also there are only three rows, so that you can catch the feeling 
ol a real pit, and 1 am old-fashioned enough to like to see how a play 
works with the groundlings. Go and see Home, the new Comedy by 
MK. ROBERTSON, a gentleman who writes plays which arc very much 
to the taste of yours truly. He makes real men and women, and lets 
them talk as men and women do, but elevates and points their talk, 
giving it dramatic purpose, and I suppose this to be true art, distin- 
guishing dramatist from playwright. 

There may be some French in the pedigree of Home. I don't know, 
and I don't care. There is some in my own pedigree, but I am English 
enough, and so is the play. 

Having told you to go and see it, of course I am not going t9 tell 
you the plot. It is a verv pretty one, however, and the main business 
is the deliverance of a father, by a sou, from a marriage which would 
certainly have had its disadvantages, though the lady turns out much 
better than we expected, and the scene in which she does so is charm- 
ing, and charmingly played by Miss CAVENDISH. The effect, upon 
the other characters, of her touching revelation of a history of trial, 
and their change from dislike to sympathy is in the spirit of high-class 

MR. SonrERN plays the S9n, an Englishman who has served in the 
American army. It suits his quiet, observant, incisive style, and it is 
creditable to him that so far from taking lion's share in a play produced 
for his sake, he has been content with a part which, though it is the 
pivot of the piece, is anything but showy. His self-possession, and 
never-flagging attention to his own business and everbody else's give 
great finish to the performance, but an actor gets little credit for this 
with most folk, who do not hold with the doctrine that it is art to con- 
ceal art. They like to s<r points worked up to and made vigorously. 
1 do not. Ma. SOTHERN'S scene with Miss HILL, when both, being 
earnestly in love, are awkward and embarrassed, is another bit of real 
comedv. And when Miss CAVENDISH'S true nature is seen, and 
MR. BOTHERS who has previously shown bitter contempt for her, 
suddenly bids his pure and pretty little sister shake hands with her, 
the touch of generous atonement hit the house hard. [I use the curt 
old phrases, Mr. Punch, Sir, because I am writing to you. Believe me, 
dear Sir, I have the amplest assortment of polysyllables for my genteeler 
lucubrations whence 1 sedulously eliminate all conventionalisms and 
cpl pquialisms.] Finally, MR. SOTEBRN showed much humour, espe- 
cially when grumbling at himself. 

MK. COMPTON'S part is the one which stands out. He is a sordid, 
cowardly, drunken ruffian, with a red face, and moustache. That 
sounds disagreeably, doesn't it ? And the part would be disagreeable 
in the hands of anybody but this Master in his art. By Jove, Sir, 
though Mountraffe is such a rascal, you are never angry with him. He 
is so cool, so satis fled with his debasement, so good-naturedly uncon- 
scious that he ought to be hanged, that I really won't say that I 
didn t almost wish he had got a certain 20, which he had calculated on 

tor himself. MR. COMPTON never showed a richer humour, or more 
of what an artist can do than in somehow redeeming this scoundrel 
trom hate. But you have not to learn my opinion of MR. COMPTON. 
Le and 1 worked together towards the end of the last century. Ha ! 
bir, there was a character called Beeswing \>\& the present generation 
knows not what COMPTOX and Kninu s can do in conjunction. 

A word for Miss BDRKE, who had to be very young indeed to suit 

her little young lover (very intelligent and modest, MR. ASTLEY I 

think you 11 do), and who looked daintily, and frisked joyously MR 

A DALE was the Old English Gentleman of 50 (I say M n' 

loBEHTso.N that 's not so old, come), about to marry a young wife 

wtio had persuaded himself that he was going to do a wise thin" 

[like got hold of the nature of the old fool. He adopTed 

i I Brliamentan manner. I mean, of course, that he showed he 

Knew lie was a humbug. 

The audience stormed applause, and called author and perf( 

iig of course, m these days ; but 1 applauded, and 

a great deal, 'ihe comedy is a success. 

O by the way, the author. Just so. But why shouldn't I imitate 

fashion, dumiM with a couple of words the author, who has spent 

weeks in conceiving ail the situations, and polishing all the dialogue 

and devote myself to praising the performed, the fcene-paintersftTe 

ffiTt fT 1 ^ fi the "-boy, SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH 
shan t. I have been an author myself, and I tell 

n mt r ^- 'V meth M g \, do wilh the success f a P'ece, though 

wuitS J,l ,,,'H tf- M* toBMwoN has written ever many 

H plajs; and this one, though not one of his strongest, is as 

agreeable as any of them. I have to thank him for many pleasant 
evenings, and Thursday's was one. 1 don't know what he was saying 
to himself when lie went on the second time probably remarking 
that he was glad to see EPICURUS ROTUNDUS in the.last stall, second 
row, P.S. 

The Gate de 1'Europe is a most respectable and convenient chapel of 
ease to the Haymarket Theatre, and, as has been proved before MR. 
Kxox, is the resort of very eminent characters. But I should be false 
to my mission, if I said that my Seltzer water was sufficiently iced. 
I have no doubt that it will be, next time. 

Returning to my stall, I beheld the Frightful Hair. Somebody has 
told me that its author contributes to your paper, therefore, of course, 
I can say nothing about it, except that I laughed from the beginning 
to a point at which duty to my family dictated my leaving off, but a 
judicious friend kindly took up the laughing for me, and went on until 
the fall of the curtain. 

There were a great many pretty women I mean handsome ladies 
in the house. I talked to several, between the acts. I wonder whether 
it is overleaping the barriers to say that two fair faces looked, and had 
a right to look, radiant at the respective triumphs of two husbands. 
When I have added that a lady gave me two bonbons, I have com- 
pleted my criticism, and I remain 

Your old (I mean that I have written a long 

time for you) correspondent, 

Malcontent Lodge, EPICURUS ROTUNDUS. 


that is 



Fiat justitia, mat coelum, as LORD CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN, 
when Recorder of Southampton, said to a barrister in the Sessions 
House, who wanted the Court adjourned because the rain came in 
through a hole in the roof, and wetted his wig. Be just and fear not. 
Do iustice to Ireland, for instance, in respect of the Irish Church 
Establishment, regardless of consequences. 

However, the consequences of doing Ireland justice in that particular 
will probably be good. The excessive endowment of the Irisn Church 
is a substantial grievance. The redress of such a grievance will doubt- 
less prove, in a measure, conciliatory. For a nation to have to pay for 
I a clergy whom it disowns is an injury as well as an insult. 

Disendow and disestablish the Irish Church, however, say some who 
nevertheless regard it as a sentimental grievance merely. If it were 
no more than that, Mr. Punch, your friend GLADSTONE would do best 
to leave it alone. He would not, by abolishing it, abate the grievance 
of which it is merely one exemplification. That grievance is the Pro- 
testantism of the United Kingdom. The POPE'S Irish subjects will 
not cease to feel sentimentally aggrieved whilst they are precluded 
from the possibility of having a Popish Sovereign, and Lord Lieu- 
tenant, or rather a Viceroy and a Subviceroy of the POPE'S, to reign 
over them. 

A sentimental grievance, regarded as an insult, is a sentimental 
grievance, absolutely, as an insult is an insult. A substantial grievance 
may be great or small. If you had ever been lucked much, Sir, you 
would know, and as it is you can conceive, that there is a difference, as 
to a kick, between boots and boots. A kick hurts, or may hurt, more 
or less, accordingly as one is kicked with a light or heavy boot. Whereas, 
a horsewhip, nourished over one's head, does not hurt at all if one is 
a philosopher ; but. if it does hurt sentimentally, a little horsewhip 
hurts as much as a big one. Of C9urse nobody but a fool will consider 
himself horsewhipped when he is only told to. Still less will he 
insist on considering himself horsewhipped when he is entreated to 
think no such thing; but you won't persuade Ultramontane PADDY 
that you have redressed his sentimental grievance whilst you maintain 
the Act of Settlement. Of course that consideration will not prevent 
you and GLADSTONE from dealing thoroughly on your friend COCK- 
BURN'S maxim with Ireland; only you will do it with your four eyes 
open, like the hundred of your most vigilant humble servant, 



We have not the least idea what a meat salesman's man is, but he 
must be a kind of JOB. We read in the City Press (a very good paper, 
by the way, and full of news about London, new and old) that the in- 
dividual in question has been described, at a public meeting, as " filthy, 
depraved, gin-drmking, insolent, ignorant, licentious, and abandoned." 
Lome, that is a nice derangement of epitaphs. And the representative 
9! the classy srely asks, meekly, " Why should this be said of us ? It 
is not true. Pnma facie, people who can meet such a shower of com- 
nent with so mild a remonstrance, must l:e good people, and worth 
knowing, and we mean to take a lounge through the noble New 
Market, and have a look at them. 





JANUARY 23, I860.] 




CRITIC has been animadvert- 
ing on the British Public 
for thronging to see sensa- 
tion-plays, burlesques, and 
pantomimes, in preference 
to the ideal and rational 
drama. This predilection is 
unphilosophically ascribed to 
dulness and depraved taste. 
On reflection, however, it 
will be seen to be really 
owing to the high intellec- 
tual and moral endowments 
of the majority of playgoers. 
Their daily life of business 
consists in the laborious 
exertion of the higher 
mental faculties, and the 
arduous exercise of the 
nobler sentiments. In their 
hours of idleness they fly, 
for the recreation of change, 
to scenes and exhibitions 
which afford a temporary 
excitement to their sensu- 
ous proclivities and animal 
natures. Suppose a man is 
living in inactive luxury, or 
is habitually engaged in 
some frivolous avocation, 
such, for example, as that 
of writing levity without 
ever trying to make it the 

vehicle of any truth which may be worth considering, it is all very well 
for such a fellow, when he wants amusement, to go to one of SHAK- 
M' TARE'S plays, or an opera by MOZART or BEETHOVEN, or an oratorio 
by HANDEL. His mind, whose lower powers arc those which he em- 
ploys as a rule, is refreshed by the exceptional stimulation which it 
derives from musical and dramatic performances of an elevating ten- 
dency. Very naturally, therefore, this kind of man resorts to the 
legitimate drama, or the lyric theatre, and frequents the Philharmonic 
or the Monday Pops ; whilst the multitude, accustomed to grayer 
pursuits, repair, for that variety which is restorative as well as charming 
to the temple of buffoonery and nonsense, and to the music-hall. 


TIIKRE is some reason to suppose that the Public has not seen a 
genuine copy of the answer returned by the Right Honourable the 
TNT o) THE BOARD OF TRADE to the letter sent him by MR, 
A i.i:\ \XDER DREW, of Nairn, inviting him to encourage officially, by a 
Royal bounty, a company to be formed for the purpose of clearing the 
seas of porpoises and bottle-nosed whales. It will be clear to every 
person of any discernment that the following transcript of the reply 
which Mil. DREW'S suggestion was honoured withal, is stamped with 
authenticity : 

Sir, It is impossible for me to express, in suitable terms, the 
opinion I entertain of your proposal that the Government in which I 
have the honour to serve should grant pecuniary aid to a commercial 
association for exterminating bottle-nosed whales and porpoises. But, 
unfortunately, Her Majesty's Ministers have not at their disposal any 
public money which they could devote to the furtherance of an enter- 
prise oven so practicable and promising as that which you propose. In 
order to obtain the necessary funds, they would have to apply to 
Parliament. I regret to say that the House of Commons is not yet 
sufficiently advanced to be likely to view your project in any other 
light than that in which Legislatures in all times have been wont to 
repriml the great ideas of projectors whose conceptions, afterwards 
realised, have proved blessings to mankind. This consideration alone, 
however, would not deter me from urging your grand and original 
scheme on their attention ; but I fear that, if I ventured to do so, I 
should incur the risk which attends the advocacy, no less than the in- 
vention, of designs too vast for comprehension by minds of the existing 
age. In short, I am afraid that were I to move in the House of 
Commons for a grant of money to be expended in promoting the 
capture of those monsters of the deep, the bottle-nosed and other 
cetaceans whose enormities you so justly denounce, the only effect of 
my motion would be that the House would vote forthwith my own 
immediate removal from the post which I have the honour of occu- 
pying to a lunatic asylum. I am, Sir, with the profoundest respect and 
the highest esteem, your faithful friend, j -g 


(Dedicated to the RIGHT HONOURABLE JOHN BRIGHT, by the Colwell 
Hatchney Poet.) 

OH, who would not be a Bottle-Nosed Whale, 
To sit on a moonbeam and weave a flail ? 


"Tis I would be the Bottle-Nosed Whale ! (J^ftiuimo.) 
Oh come with me and be my love, 
And we will all the pleasures prove 
On earth below or sea above, 
Sliding about in a peaceful groove. 
But say, JOHN BRIGHT, my love, my life, 
Why don't you dare the stormy seas, 
And cast your nets 
When: the salmon frets 

Lonely beside such rocks as these P (Tenderoto.) 
Put a tax (Fiercely.) 
Upon our backs, 

Crown us or drown us, no matter which, 
For we '11 eat the fish 
With a scrunch and a squish, 
And the shells of the oysters to you we '11 pitch. 
For oh, 
For oh, 

JOHN BRIGHT must know 
That I am the Bottle-Nosed Whale below ! 

(Ironically, with trombone*.) 
You 're safe, you think, in your chair of state, 
Oh! JOHN Biu<;nT! But wait! wait! wait! 
There 's a net, a net, 
A cabinet, 

Where you and your Privy Councillors met. 
Don't tell me ! 
Fiddlededi-r ! 
I am the Bottle-Nosed Whale of the Sea ! 

( fPerryioflitrimoio.) 
Up the silvery Thames (Drumt.) 
Slink the slimy trout (FMei.) 
Their conduct who condemns ? 

JOHN BRIGHT is out. (Harmonium.) 
The little creatures play 

Ilegardless of their doom, (Combs.) 
While fishes die away 
In the silent gloom, 

And go to the tomb (Sloicly and tolemnly.) 
In a mourning broom 
With a livery groom. 

(Suddenly and gaily.) 

But hey, ho, ho ! (Symphony of Bootjacks.) 
The Bottle-Nosed Whale 
May dance on a housetop, 

Or sit on his tail ! (Solo on Shofhorn.) 
Then mind what I say, (Organ i the distance.) 
Or you '11 rue the day. 
You '11 rue the night 
When you wouldn't attend, 
And you wouldn't lend 
A sixpence to me in a gale, 

To me the Bottle-Nosed Whale, 


To me the Bottle-Nosed Whale. 
Then say, All bail, 
And come on my trail, 
While ont on bail. 
You '11 take the veil, 
Pinn'd on with a nail 
To the top of my tail, 
And away we "11 sail (Crescendo.) 
For a glass of ale. 

But snub me or rub me or hurt my scales, 
JOHN BRIGHT don't try, 
I '11 tell you why, 

I 'm King of the Bottle-Nosed Whales, ha! ha ! 
I'm King of the Bottle-Nosed Whales ! 
(Crank of all the Instruments, and the Sleeper's awakened.) 

Railway Intelligence. 

THE approved Method of Communication between Passenger and 
Guard A Shilling. 


[JANUARY 23, 1869. 







OLD woman, do not dye thy hair ; 

Old fogy, from thine hoary head, 
Repel the darkening wash ; a snare 

Contrived with deleterious lead. 
Ye who are prematurely gray, 

Use dyes, and know not what -you do, 
May brush in mercury, and may 

Be prematurely toothless too. 

It "may not harm the blood of man 

If liquid iron the scalp's pores drink, 
And then the head with juice of tan 

Be washed, and so renewed with ink. 
Or say that you blanched locks restore 

To something near their pristine hue 
Like faded clothes ; upon them pour 

The old reviver black and blue. 

But mind that all the salts of Mars 

On linen leave a rusty stain : 
A bosom's front, adorned with stars 

Of reddish brown, there may remain. 
The walnut's liquor will afford 

To grizzled hair a safe disguise, 
With that from time to time restored 

It might be, rather than with dyes. 

And there are mushrooms which do yield 

A ketchup that would serve as well ; 
Go, seek them in the pasture field, 

Along the borders of the dell. 
But better will you leave the pate 

To grow, as Nature wills it, white, 
Your aged face, that doth not mate 

With raven fringe 's a sorry sight, 

Which if you don't, old fools, discern, 

Whilst you betray yourselves unwise, 
All who behold you thence will learn 

How much have likewise failed your eyes. 
Attention to the head's inside 

With more good will repay your pains ; 
Philosophy of health, applied, 

May help you to preserve your brains. 

olives, and a box of cigars. 

-A bottle ol 



PUNCH does like you so, you can't think. You have all the 
true NAPIER impulse, which ninety times brings your family into glory, 
and ten times into grief. 

You sent to the Times a letter from a Lady, who described what she 
saw, and told what she had heard, during the late fighting in Malaga. 
It was essentially " a woman's letter," and whether that phrase be 
praise or censure depends upon whether the employer likes women or 
not. Some people don't like them. Punch adores them. 

Then somebody told you that the Pall Mall Gazette had been rude 
to the lady. And then came out the NAPIER characteristic which 
Punch does admire so, you can't think. You scorn to get the Journal 
and see whether the accusation be true, but you write a letter of mag- 
nificent abuse, and add that you will never again expose a lady to such 
treatment. Probably, by this time, you have seen the paper, and may 
think that beyond the liberty of daring to make any remark on anything 
which a NAPIER has endorsed, there was no great harm in what the 
Critic said. 

Bless you, stick to this way of doing things. We (and others) find 
it so convenient. When we read a sensation story of some grievance 
or wrong, we instantly hurry out an indignant article upon it. For as 
the story is nearly sure to be a wild exaggeration, or an unfair state- 
ment, we should be done out of our gush if we waited for the facts. 
Accept, brother-in-arms, best compliments, and believe us, 

Your devoted, 

WHAT CAN you SAT ? Name any celebrated English humorist 
you please to an American, and he will tell you, by way of reply, that 
in his country they have a WUITTIER. 


" At the Montgomeryshire quarter session at Welshpool last week a tramp 
was proved to have stolen clothes. After a lengthy consultation the jury re- 
turned a verdict of guilty, and, to the surprise of every one in court, accom- 
panied the verdict with a recommendation to mercy. The Chairman. Ou 
what ground, may I ask? The Foreman (evidently puzzled). I do not 
know (laughter). The foreman then turned round to his colleagues in the 
box, and another lengthy consultation ensued, and after the lapse of a few 
minutes the foreman suddenly started up, and explained the recommendation 
by saying * We recommend him to mercy because no one see'd him commit 
the crime" an explanation which elicited a loud burst of laughter from 
a crowded court." 

To laugh at a Welsh jury is as natural a thing ns it used to be to 
ridicule an Alderman for being rotund and liking his dinner. Nobody, 
except LORD DALKEITII, ridicules Aldermen now, seeing that for the 
most part they arc active intelligent gentlemen, who think less of 
dinners than do the languid Swells at the clubs. But we must go on 
laughing at the Welsh jurors, until they stand up on their hind legs 
and try to imitate humanity. The above story is good, but how much 
more advanced is the London constable than the Welsh clown P If 
the former does not see a crime committed, he will do nothing for you. 
So though we laugh at the Welshcrs, they have a laugh against the 

Good News from the Tagua. 

SPAIN has found a Sovereign at last, one all who wish well to that 
country must ear-iestly desire may have a long rule, for we are in- 
formed that " Tranquillity reigns throughout the Peninsula." 

POINTED ARCHITECTURE. The Cathedral of Spires. 

JANUARY 23, 1800.] 




Tiny Mite, No. 1 (female). " NOT SPELL WINDOW ! 'CouKSB I CAN ! W I N, WIN, D o, no, WINDOW !" 
Tiny Mite, No. 2 (male). " AH ! BUT THOO CAN'T SI-ELL THE OTHtR WINDOW, NOW oj.v THOO!" 


PUNCH is clearly not the place for medical discussions. People who 
read Punch wish to be enlightened, instructed or amused, but do not 
want to see a word which may shock their tender feelings. A descrip- 
tion of a hospital is not the sort of article that one expects in Punch 
any more than an account of a painful operation. Still, every now and 
(hen, a word about a hospital is admissible in Punch, as is a charitable 
word for any other work of charity. 

The Royal Free Hospital is not more free than welcome as a 
charitable helping-place to thousands of our poor. When it first was 
started, not a hospital in London was ever freely open, as in charity all 
should be, to such sick folk as the Royal Free was founded specially to 
succour. In this really useful hospital, so Ions as there are funds un- 
spent, and sleeping wards unfilled, any poor sick persons may come to 
them and fill them; and they need not lose their little strength by 
hunting up subscribers to send them " Open Sesame," in an admission 

Now, like most of us good people, the directors of this Hospital very 
urgently want money ; for, like most of us good people, they don't get 
half enough for the work they wish to do. See here what they say as 
to what they have to do 

"It must not be forgotten that the present medical practice i to ' build up ' 
patients, and the resulting increase in the consumption of food and stimulant*, 
coupled with high prices, renders the item for food, wine, and spirits a very 
serious one. The arrangements of the dispensary are being remodelled with 
a view to greater economy, but when it is considered that we have frequently 
to make up 3000 prescriptions in the course of one week, and that the cost of 
one year's drugs alone (purchased under the most favourable circumstances 
open to the Board) amounts to more than 1700, we need not point out how 
great is the expenditure connected with the relief to out-patients. They 
crowd to the hospital, but must be turned away unless the public supply us 
with funds." 

And see here what they say as to what they want to get 

" In no spirit of self-laudation, but merely to show that the managers are 
not unmindful of their responsibilities, we may mention that within the last 

vear four members of the committee hare between them contributed more than 
.500 towards the hospital funds, but such effort* of coune cannot be con- 
tinuous. Our annual subscriptions do not much exceed 1400, and the total 
amount received from donations and legacies during the current year u little 
more than 4770. 

" And, now, what is our position ? We have no property beyond the hoa- 
pital buildings, and some legacies payable on future continrenciea. We ow 
, nearly 5600. We have a very slender balance at our banker*, and our 
expenditure (irrespective of salaries) is more than 110 per week. What are 
we to do ? We have room in the wards for 200 beds, and we can only fill 
about 70. We have beds and bedding, and are willing to work if the publio 
will help us ; if not, we must close the hospital." 

Please to fork out, therefore, Gentlemen. Yon surely would not 

wish to see the Hospital shut up. Think what suffering is succoured 

by a chanty like this ! Think that but, for Heaven's mercy, you your- 

I self, O Croesus ! might haply there become a supplicant ! Remember, 

i there 's no shamming in the sick ward of a hospital. Shut your fist* 

against sham sick folk as close as you can clench ; their gin-distilling 

breath tells where your coin will go to. But be royally free-handed to 

the Royal Free, and be sure that you do good with every shilling that 

you give to it. 


THOU, Alma Mater, know'st the trick 
To put in principles that stick, 

And Gentlemen thou shapest : 
We make no doubt that BUTE 's a brick, 1 
And though he be a Catholic, 

Will never be a Papist. 


It you had the misfortune to be hauled off to the Station by two 
policemen, both seizing you by the uppermost part of your coat, what 
eminent pianoforte makers' names might you mutter to yourself: 


[JANUARY 23, 1869. 



to find there, and lie doesn't want to run the chance of a refusal. He 
knows how men talk. 

" Oh, send to MR. ROBBINS," cries MRS. MACAW. " He'll be glad 
to come, I' m sure." 

" But at such short notice," says her husband, with some sort of 
regard for ROBBINS' feelings, who, he should think, would not always 
like being asked merely at the last moment to make an even number. 

MRS. MACAW poohpoohs ROBBINS' feelings. She knows he '11 be too 

eat f orce 


'. AM perfectly aware that other Social Zoologists have from time to Alighted to come, and she rather prides herself upon having performed 
.e exhibited their specimens ; and so much indeed you may have a c h ar itable action, 
already gathered from the prefatory remarks to these Papers. If, | "i' m glad." she says subsequently, " I thought of MR. KOCK 
herefore, I do not originate the idea itself of such an Exhibition, at R OBBIKS . jj e hasn't got much money, and it 's <juite a kindness to 
all events I shall be able to show you new species of the old genus, i aslc aim ou g t his estimable lady spreads this account of poor 
and even the genera themselves, under novel aspects. I show them BOBBINS among her friends and acquaintances, and consequently 
all under one roof, and will point them out as they come and go, R OBBINS; f or pity's sake, is the gayest man I know. He is, in fact, 
lopping backwards and forwards. ..... , 'a Professional Dinner-Eater. He is less engaged in the Regular 

The Jolly Old Cock. First Specimen Often described by his friends s eason than he is in the Off-Seasons ; but at all times he has as much 
nd acquaintances as a Rare Old Bird. He is apparently the essence as jj e can ,j o> an( j j a th e winter, especially, KOCK. ROBBIXS comes out 
if hospitality. He is a widower without encumbrances, living an easy - 
bachelor life. His home, a compact snuggery, with all the appliances 
of comfort and luxury within reach of his arm ; and, for what is 
>eyond this distance, there is a butler attached to a bell, who will get 
t for you, whatever or wherever it is. So excellent are this Jolly Old 
dock's dinners, that, strange to say, other birds are perpetually press- 
ng him to come away from them and dine at their nests, where neither 
bod, drink, nor serving, are half so good as at the table of the Jolly 
Old Cock himself. Yet he is not without at least four invitations for 
every night in the week, including Sunday ; and he would be really 
welcome were he to "drop in" on some families suddenly at dinner- 
:ime, only that he is much too old a bird to run such a fearful risk as 

Young KOCK ROBBINS, who has recently gone on the Stock 
Exchange, with a view to doing something somewhere (or, perhaps, 
somebody), looks in upon me one morning about breakfast-time, and 
complains of headache. KOCK ROBBINS even refuses the crumbs, he 
s so poorly. Knowingly, I offer him soda-water. 

"Yes," he says; "I was dining with old BARNDOOR last night. 
Jolly old Cock old BARNDOOR. By Jingo ! he has got wine. You 
don't want to smoke when you get such wine as that." 
I observe that it 's a great treat to get really fine wine. 
" I should think so ! " says ROBBINS, gulping down his soda-water. 
"It was foolishly taking one glass of Champagne at dinner that gave 
me my headache. I didn't know we were going in for Port after- 
wards." . 

Having relieved his mind on this score (he tries to believe in his 
own theory about the one glass of Champagne ; but knows that he 
can't impose it upon others) he reiterates his conviction that " Old 
BARNDOOR is the jolliest old Cock going. You must know him ! " cries 
ROBBINS to me, enthusiastically. " I'll introduce you to him. He '11 
be delighted to see you at any time. Quite an accident my meeting him 
yesterday as he was walking home from the City- he asked me to 
dine without ceremony, and I was delighted at the chance." 

Little KOCK ROBBINS is, by the way, a bird who is always coming 
in for crumbs. When first Kooky came to town, he was in want of a 
dinner, and hopped about piteously until something was thrown to 

Now, bless you, crumbs are spread out before him. He is a Pro- 
fessional Diner-out. Not that he is asked out for his beautiful notes, 
or his brilliant chittering powers: no, he is simply asked, " to make 
one" ROBBINS is the small weight thrown in to adjust the dinner- 
party scales. Time was when little Kocky would have flown for a 
dinner from the Strand to Bayswater. Now, he says, " Notting Hill 
is really too far to go," and he chooses the nearest out of three equally 
good invitations. But wherever there is a dinner difficulty, ROBBINS 
is called in. 

The MACAWS of Macaw (whose plumage made such a sensation some 
seasons ago) expect a party of fourteen to dinner. 

On the morning of the day itself, MRS. MACAW receives an apology. 
One can't come. 

" Well," says MR. MACAW, who is in his slippers examining the 
Mining Journal, and is not fully alive to the difficulty. 

" Well, my dear," returns his wife, " we shall be thirteen ! " 
" Shall we ? " answers MR. MACAW, who has just ascertained that 
one of his numerous speculations is looking up " Well, it can't be 

Thereupon MRS. MACAW demonstrates the utter impossibility of 
sitting (town thirteen to dinner, and presses (not for the first time, of 
course) her superstition upon her husband so pertinaciously as to make 
him feel a little uncomfortable about that codicil which he has been 
going to add to his will any day this last two years. 

" You can ask some one at the Club, dear, can't you ? " suggests 
MRS. MACAW. Cunning woman ; she knows that this, at most times, 
would be a grateful concession on her part ; but unf9rtunately he 
can't go near the Club to-day in fact, must be in the City almost up 
to the moment of returning to dress for dinner. This means that he 
can't think of anyone at the Club, just now, whom he would be certain 


I 'M a Rough ! I 'm a Rough ! I 'm a cowardly thief ! 
Yet the way men endure me is past all belief. 
I deserve to be hanged, but from JACK KETCIF I 'm free, 
Coves ain't got the pluck now to 'ang curs like me ! 

I live as I like, and I fear not the law, 

On me ne'er a Crusher his truncheon dare draw : 

For I 'm strong as a bull, and no mercy I feel 

While my fist carries weight, and my boot bears a heel ! 

If you ask where I work, well, garotting 's my trade, 
And a good bit o" money at times I have made : 
But it soon goes in lush when I 'm out on the spree, 
For the molls like a man with his shiners who 's free. 

I 'in a brute to my wife, and, whene'er I sets riled, 
Her wisage it somehow is apt to get spiled ; 
She 's seldom without two black eyes ui her 'ead, 
And wheu drunk lor' I kick 'er, and leave 'er for dead. 

'Ave we children ? Why, yes, we 've at present got three, 
And them brats, if they live, will all grow brutes like me : 
Their unnateral father ne'er guv 'em a meal, 
They've been bred up from babbies to beg or to steal. 

Will I emigrate ? thank'ee, I 've no taste to roam, 

I prefers to live idle and wicious at home ; 

And, besides, what 's the good of my crossing the sea ? 

I 'm a Rough ! where 's the land as 'ud like to have me ? 


WELL, the Ritualists have held a meeting to consider whether they 
ought to obey the law of the land, and they are good enough to think 
that, on the whole, they may as well do so. But not the Reform 
League itself, headed by the great BEALES, could have made it more 
clear that in deciding not to defy the law, it was doing society an un- 
merited favour. They declared that they did not recognise the 
authority of the Court that announced the law, and as for the sentence 
itself it was utterly absurd, as it did not allow the Ritualist the right 
of going back to early days, and inquiring whether JUSTIN MARTYR, 
ATHANASIUS, CYRIL (in the days of his Success), CHKYSOSTOM, AM- 
BROSE, JEROME, and AUGUSTINE, or any of them, mentioned candles. 
The meeting, indeed, was inclined to refuse to admit the duty of sub- 
mission, and at first knocked out of a resolution words recognising 
that duty ; but ARCHDEACON DENISON, however tolerant of Ritualistic 
nonsense, had too much respect for scholarship to sanction nonsense in 
composition, and threatened to leave the chair if the sentence were not 
completed. So the duty was owned, but it was also declared that the 
degree in which it was to be performed must be left to individual judg- 
ment ; that is, priests are to be ritualistic where they may, and to obey 
the law where they must. And then they bound themselves to spread 
to the utmost of their power the doctrine which they say can only be 
properly taught by the aid of a yard of best wax. However, it is 
something that they did not imitate the Scotch clergy, and leave tile 
Church for a reason of conscience. They were too much men of the 
world for that. Now, we would not persecute, even with a smile, a 
sincere fanatic, while he does no harm, but as many of these gentlemen are 
clearly not sincere, and as they all do much harm, preaching that which 
their vows distinctly forbid them to preach, 1'unch continues to hope that 
the bishops will look after them, or he will have to_look after the bishops. 

JANUAUY 30, 1869.] 


















[JANUARY 30, 1869. 


CONCLUDE you hare 
a prejudice against 
that most useful 
topic of all workj 
the weather, and 
care not to know 
whether the lady to 
whom MRS. BUR- 
TON JOYCE, your 
hostess, is intro- 
ducing you, has 
taken her ordinary 
daily exercise since 
luncheon. If you 
long to distinguish 
yourself in some 
other arena than 
the Theatres, the 
Monday Popular 
Concerts, the Balls 
or Private Theatri- 
cals in your respec- 
tive suburbs, do 
not scruple, if the 
lady consigned to 
you is single, to 
ask her at once 
whether she is en- 
gaged, and what 

ortune she will have on marriage, whether she has any poor relations, whether 
he dyes her hair or uses stimulants to her complexion, and what the amount of 
ler allowance is from Papa ; not forgetting, if you observe the slightest indication 
jf a dawning pimple, to notice its intrusion with profuse regrets. If you have 
.harge of a married lady, begin by making a guess at her age, or picking holes 
i her dress, or finding some flaw in her jewellery, adding a little light pleasantry 
about the skilful arrangement of the millinery on her head to hide that dubious 
ilace in the parting, until, when you see that your remarks are taken in good 
iart, you feel secure enough to inquire how much the weekly housekeeping ex- 
>enses are, and whether she allows her servants fresh butter, and how often they 
rive her warning, and whether her husband, whom you will not fail to point out 
augliing and talking with pretty MRS. GA.YLEIGH DASHWOOD at the other end 
of the table, is the same smiling amiable being in his own home, when tested by 
lervants getting up late in the morning, by indifferent vegetables, and unexpected 

Try this style of conversation when next you are dining or dancing out : if it 
succeeds, you will go home a happier man than you have felt for a long time, if it 
ails, you can but fall back on your reserve of ROBERTSON'S Plays and BURNASD'S 
Burlesques ; and the Ballet in the Pantomimes and the Ballot at Elections ; and 
.he Election Petitions, which fill the papers to weariness, and the new halfpenny 
japer, the Echo, (mind you quote what DIAMOND DE WITT so neatly said, that it 
s sure to pay, because Echo always answers) ; and The Ring and the Book, and 
,he Report of the Marriage Law Commission ; and the Convention with America, 
and REVERDY JOHNSON, and the Alabama claims; and the Christy Minstrels; 
md JOACHIM'S playings; and DICKENS'S Readings ; and the new edition of 
[/ARLYLE'S Writings ; and the Derby Course, and the course DISRAELI will take ; 
and Government cutting down the clerks in the public departments, and requesting 
(see Circular from the Controller of H. M. Stationery Office) that the Government 
quill pens may also be cut down ; and the reduction in the establishment at Green- 
wich Hospital ; and the Beggars in Belgravia; and the First Commissionership of 
Police ; aad Carbolic Acid, &c. 


MR. SERGEANT PATNE, celebrated no less for his admirable decisions and his 
marvellous wisdom at the Clerkenwell Sessions than for his recitations of poetry 
at second-rate tea-pot meetings, argues that Roman Catholic priests should nol 
be paid for their prison-work, because two out of three criminals, professedly 
Roman Catholics, would rather nol see the priest. And, MR. PAYNE, perhaps two 
out of three criminals would rather not see the policeman, or even your Worship : 
or, to carry the argument somewhat further, they would rather that there were 
not any moral law at all. 

Is not a disniM-d man an idiot who will not call in the physician? How do 
you deal with idiots!" Would you not be lacking in your duty to a friend who 
so acted, if you did not do all in your power to force medical advice upon him ? 

Were tin-re a chance of his disease being contagious, would you listen to an 
obstinate man who refuses Ihe doctor's aid ? 

You would regret, MR. SERGEANT PAYNE, that you could not force the ministra 
tions of tlie physician upon your friend, and you would rather pay (he fee yourse/j 
than allow a man to die of his disease, or linger out his days, a pest to society. 

Your Irish Roman Catholic, or vpur English criminal of that fa.\i.\\,feart anc 
respects tlie prietl ; but he flutters himself that he can blarney the Chaplain, for 
whom he entertains no respect, nor of whom has he any fear. 

You admit the Priest : you need not pay him ; 
but MR. PUNCH, who recognises Catholic and Protestant 
ou an equali'.y as Ratepayers, tells you that you will 

lave to act fairly, you Board of Injustices, in spite ot 



" Fifteen thousand SpanUh ladies have addressed GENKHAL 
'KIM, begging him on no account to permit religious toleration 
.n Spain." Correspondence. 

FIFTEEN thousand Spanish ladies 

Yielding to a pious whim, 
Gather' d 'twist the Bay and Cadiz, 

And bssieged the gallant PRIM. 

Saying " COUNT TIE HERS or RE-US, 
(Winch it's called we know nor care) 

" Prostrate at your feet you see us,i 
Begging you to grant our prayer. 

" Count, you offer toleration 

To religions each and all; 
Do you wish the Spanish nation 

From its ancient faith to fall? 

" Please reverse your resolution, 

Penal make all creeds but one, 
Or your blessed revolution 

Ends by leaving Spain undone. 

" Better do a little burning, 
Roast some Protestants or Jews, 

For an Auto priests are yearning, 
Meet the holy creatures' views. 

" But if what you 've written 's written, 

And you must not burn a soul, 
Send all heretics to Britain, ' 

Island somewhere near the .Pole." 

Tolerantly smiles DON JUAN, 

Smiles upon the kneeling dames. 
" Ladies, it would be my ruin, 

Did I send one Jew to flames. 

" There "s a thing your lords call discount, 
With the Jews it comes and goes," 

And 'twere worth the place of this Count 
Did he singe one hooky nose. 

" As for Protestants, their altar 

Must not now be overturned, 
Certain folks who hold Gibraltar 

Much object to being burned. 

" Sweetest ladies, stick to flirting, 
Roll dark eyes, wave jewelled fans, 

Praise the bull-fizht's strife diverting, 
Leave to man the work that 's man's. 

"Tell the priests who gave your mission, 
They 're a gang of nincompoops ; 

If I see the least sedition, 
Priests have necks and cords have loops. 

" If my forehead wears a frown, 'tis 
Not for you, but them. I've done: 

And (leave granted by my Countess) 
1 would kiss you every one. 

" And I '11 send your priests to Hades, 
Dare they such sweet eyes to dim." 

Fifteen thousand Spanish Indies 
Smiled, and left DON JUAN PRIM. 

The Boys' Own Beak. 

A GOOD deal has lately been said about a sentence by 
which a Justice at Petty Sessions sent a lot of little boys, 
manacled like felons, to gaol for "tossing and obstructing 
the streets." Several letters about it have appeared in 
the Ti/aen, under the heading of " Untempered Zeal." 
Would not " Ill-tempered Zeal " have been the more accu- 
rate superscription ? " 

JANUARY 30, I860.] 




Foreign Office, Paris. Present, for France: MARQUIS DE LAV ALETTE, 
Minister of Foreign Affairs, President. For England: LORD LYONS. 
TEBNICH. For Prussia : COUNT DK SOLUS. For Turkey : DJEMIL 
PASIIA. Fur Italy : M. NIOBA. 

" This Conference wa sadly borne." Benedick. 

M. de LaraMte. Pray be seated, Gentlemen. The cigarettes are in 
that box, the clears in this, and our friend the Pasha has his pipe. 

Lord Lyons. The Pipe of 1'cace, we '11 hope. (Laughter.) 

Pasha. That depends on yourselves, Gentlemen. Put that in your 
pipes, and smoke it. 

if. de Laralettf. lla ! ha ! We begin pleasantly a rood omen. 

Pasha. Inshallah ! 

Lord I#o*. But where is M. RANGABK. our friend from Greece. 
Will you not direct las admission, M. le President ? 

Patfia. I have no objection to the son of a burnt father coming in 
and sitting down. But lie must have no vote. 

Count Stackelliurg. It is needless to say that my Government is 
greatly displeased with Greece for agitating against the Sublime 

Pasha. Quite. (Winks.) 

Count Stofkelburg. But will Greece accept the proposed insult ? 

M. de lavaletle. You have reason to think she will not ? 

Count Staclulburg. I didn't say that. 

M. de Lavatette. Well, we '11 see. (Rings.) Invite the Greek gen- 
tleman to come in. 

Enter M. RANGABE. 

[All bo, except the PASHA, who grunts. 

M. de iMtalette. There, M. RANGABE, is your chair, and the Con- 
ference will I'eel indebted to you for the valuable information (markedly) 
with which you will favour them in reply to any inquiries that may be 
addressed to you. 

Pasha (aside). His face is blackened already. 

M. Rangabe (pertly). Any information I may (rive will be limited to 
the informing the Conference which way I intend to vote. 

M. de Lavaletle. I reply, Sir, with an intimation, on behalf of the 
Conference, that such information will be needless, inasmuch as we 
shall not trouble you to vote. 

M. Rangabi. Ah, two words to that bargain. 

Pasha. These sons of Sheitan are always thinking of bargains. 
The Powers bought an unclean beast in a poke when they took up 
Greece. May his grandmother's grave be defiled ! 

M. Rangabi. What is that Turk muttering? Gentlemen, I must 
hear what my Government says to this outrageous proposal. 

Pasha. Ilia Government ! A pack of brigands plotting in a back 

M. de Latalelte. You must see, M. RANGABE, that you cannot vote. 
Your Go-vcrnment was no party to the Treaty of Paris. 

M. Rangabe. No ; nor to the Treaty of Utrecht, which has as much 
to do with the question as the other. (lM>ks guardedly at the COUNT 
^TACKKLIH no, who icinks at him to hold out.) In the name of the 
Hellenic people, I protest against injustice, and I shall telegraph for 

M. de Lavalettn. Then, M. DE RANGABK, I reluctantly invite you to 
take a cigar and your leave. 

Pasha (aside). Fine tobacco is wasted on a fellow like that. A weed 
at a sou is good enough for him, and lie would prefer it. 

M. de Rangabe. EUKOPB SHALL KKPKNT THIS ! {Exit. 

Count Sluckelburg. I did myself the honour to hint to the Conference 
what would happen. 

M. de Laoalelle. Nobody could speak with more authority, Count. 
(All laugh.) 

Count Stackelliurg (laughing). On my honour I never said a word to 
him about his conduct here. 

Lord Lyons. Never mind we can do just as well without him. I 
am sure that the Count is quite as well qualified as RANGAJIE to look 
after the interests of Greece. 

Pasha, lln! ha! Very well spoken. By the Prophet, your face 
shines like the sun, Lord of the Lions. 

Count Stackelburg. My English friend and I understand one another. 

Pasha. Yes, since Sebastopol. 

If. de Lavalette. Pray pray memories are, at times, brutalities. 
Well, suppose we do something. Of course when I say do, 1 mean 
say. We must spoil some paper besides what is round the cigarettes. 
Will the representatives that have not yet spoken oblige us with some 
conversation ? Remember, we are bound to nothing that we agree 

M. Nigra. I think the Musical Pitch is a much more interesting 
subject than politics, and 1 hear, my Lord, that it is being agitated 
again in England. Musical Europe decides that the Pitch must be 
lowered before all the singers' voices are ruined. 

Pasha (aside). These Italians are good for nothing but music. 

Prince Metternich. I agree with the President that we must say 
something, and our principal business seems to be to make that some- 
thing mean as much like nothing as possible. My Government, of 
course, can have no sympathy with a Power, larjre or small, which 
seeks to aggrandise itself at the expense of a n 

Count df Sol MS. There are neighbours and neighbours. Moreover, 
though this is an inopportune moment for disturbing the peace of 
Europe, which peace, M. le President, you and 1 know is so dear to 
our Governments, there are nuestions affecting Greece which 

Pasha. I stand upon my ultimatum. If those questions are raised. I 
can but retire to my hotel, where I hope to see you all at dinner at 8. 

M. de Latalelte. We should be getting into business if we raised 
questions. We are here to avoid business. But I think that if we 
saw a way to recognise the justice of the Sublime Forte's ultimatum, 
and such recognition were embodied in form, it might be for the 
Sublime Porte to consider whether that would justify Turkey in with- 
drawing the ultimatum, and expecting the submission of Greece. 

Pasha. You had better let us lick her into submission. Be cJleim 
on my eyes be it, we should make short work. 

Lord Lyons. I have no doubt of the power and the va' :ar of Turkey, 
bat I do not see that we can quite allow the wor of 1828-9 to be 
undone by her. 

Pasha. Well, by the Beard, I dont care. Will you lick Greece for 
us, if she does not mend her manners ? 

Ijord Lyons. As you well put it, Pasha, it is a case of manners, so 
wo must deal with it morally. The President's suggestion teems 

Pasha. Inshallah, it will come to about the tame thing. Compre- 
hend, Gentlemen, that Turkey may be going to collapse, or not, that is 
with Allah. But she is not going to be punctured by a Greek poniard. 
If the sons of burnt fathers take your hints well. If not, they will 
have to take ours, which will be conveyed to them in the form of 
bombshells. Make me happy, all of you, at 8. \ /_ 

M. de Lavalette. That is what you call, in London, plucky, my Lord. 

Count Slaekelburg. Especially as he knows that he will not be allowed 
to fire a shot. 

Lord I JOBS. Then he has supernatural knowledge. Nobody else 

knows that, COUNT STACK ELBUKO. England has a fleet in the Medi- 

I terranean, COUNT STACKKI.BCRG, and I do not believe that there is 

anybody on board, from Admiral to powder-monkey, who knows that 

Turkey would be interfered with, if, after all warnings, Greece persists. 

Count Slaekelburg. Let us hope that she will be better adcited. 

M. de Latalette. Some more tobacco, Gentlemen ? 

Lord Lyons. Well, I think not. Don't give MM. the journalists a 
right to say that the Conference ended in smoke. 

M. de La'calelte. My dear friend, when did journalists speak the 
truth? ===== [Exeunt. 


I DEPUTY-CORONER RICHARDS the other day pat the following question 
to the husband of a she-drunkard, and then a Juror made a remark. 

" CORONER. Why did you give her the money to get drunk ? In old times 

when a husband found his wife getting drunk he lockrd her up in a room, nd 

fed IIIT on bread and water until the got sober. In Scotland them it, it ii 

I said, an island where drunken wires arc landed, and all that they are left by 

their husbands is a loaf of bread and a pitcher of cold water. 

" A JUHUB. If that island was near London, it would be thickly populated." 

May be so, MR, JUROR. But we thirst for geographical informa- 
tion, and hereby inquire of all Scottish friends (3.0U6,S03 at the last 
census, but we imagine a baby or two may have been born since) where 
this Sober Island is? What is its name? Is it Rum? Tke state- 
ment is. 

What Brown Said. 

SCENE UaU of the Elysium dub. 

Enter SMITH, F.R.S., meeting BROWN. Q.C. 

Smith. Raw day, eh? 

Brown. Very raw. Glad when it 's done. 

{Exit BROWN, Q.C. Exit SMITH, F.R.S. into Smoking-room, where 
he tells a good thing that BROWN said. 


Tire forthcoming (Ecumenical Council at Rome will, it appears, be 
called "The First Council of the Vatican." Ititventu pro- 

phesy perhaps we ought to say, to fWtoM-atc, that it will also be the 

VERY LIKELY. An American travelled friend says that of all the 
mountains he has ever seen he is sure his countrymen would prefer the 
I Dolomite, or, as he humorously calls them, the Dollar-might. 





" CHURCH Courts for Church Causes," MACKONOCHTE cries 
" Law Courts in all Cases," BRITANNIA replies. 
" The Law of the Land, by the Judges laid down, 
And the will of the Clergy controlled by the Crown." 

Your Parson would fain culprits try by the rule 
Which pedagogues practise on children at school ; 
Make laws for the nonce, as occasions require, 
As they did who heretics sent to the fire. 

No, Parsons, to do legal justice we find 

As simply unable the clerical mind, 

As that of the Jury, more famous than bright, 

Who, asked for their verdict, returned " Serve him right," 

Construction of words the judicial mind needs, 
Alike in a question of statutes or creeds. 
Just fancy a Judge who defined an offence, 
Expounding plain law in non-natural sense ! 

" Church Courts for Church Causes ? " O Reverend Divine, 

That cry, lon^ ago, was another's than thine, 

Of one who did seal with his blood that same cause '' 

As thine, the Church Courts set above the Realm's laws. 

Art thou, too, prepared to encounter the fate 
Of THOMAS A BECKETT, and brave a cleft pate? 
First let it be shaved, get thyself taken home, 
Or go, where consistency cafls thee, to Rome. 

The Popular Minister. 

MR. REVERDY JOHNSON ran a terrible risk when he went the other 
day to Luton, where they make miles and mile's of straw plait ; for, 
suppose he had been " bonneted " ? In connection with this subject, 
we should be glad to know what and where " The MILES PLATTING 
Institute " is, at which MB. JACOB BRIGHT has lately been speaking on 


OR, as we believe the Freemasons say, " So mote it be." But what 
imports the nomination of those gentlemen, and why is reference made 
to that mote in the brothers' eyes ? This is why. Because we read 
that before leaving Stockholm (which is the capital of Sweden) the 
PRINCE OP WALES was made a Knight of the Freemasons of CHARLES 
THE THIRTEENTH, after having successively received the six inferior 
orders. Now the Oswestry Advertiser, in which Punch found this in- 
formation, objects to the proceeding, because the Grand Lodge of 
England recognises no six inferior orders, and holds the knightship of 
CHARLES THE THIRTEENTH to be spurious Masonry. It further invites 
the PRINCE OF WALES, after he shall have shown to his Princess that 
noble exploit of Freemasons which is called the Pyramid, to come to 
Wales, and be made into a right sort of Mason there, under the auspices 
of Provincial Grand Master SIR WATKDT WILLIAMS WTNN, in Car- 
narvon Castle. Further, it is suggested that the Prince do become the 
Archmason of all, the Head of the craft, vice the EARL OP ZETLAND, 
who would be happy to retire. To this latter arrangement Punch has 
no objection, if his Prince have none, but Grand Master PUNCH pro- 
tests against the Welsh business, nor does he propose to substitute a 
ceremony in the Hall in the street'called after HENRIETTA MARIA. If the 
Prince is to be made, it must be in no less noble a place than the Punch 
Lodge, aU the brothers of which are of the most profound and appalling 
learning in Masonry, and proceed to refreshment in a way which is 
more imposing than can be imagined by the profane. We will hold a 
Lodge of Emergency whenever the Prince likes, and rattle him through 
the degrees before he can smoke a quarter of one of the unequalled 
cigars that shall be presented to him. And instead of one secret, we 
will impart to him at least a hundred. Moreover, he shall see a Cartoon 
made, and other wonderful things. We take a base advantage of the 
Osweslry Advertiser, which may not be much read in Vienna, by for- 
warding to the Prince an early proof of this invitation. But if H.R.H. 
should prefer to say with COWPER 

" for a Lodge in some vast wilderness," 

we shall be happy to join him, our friend DR. RUSSELL, and our friend 
SIR SAMUEL BAKER at Cairo, and hold our Lodge in the desert, while 
the Princess looks smiling down from the top of the Great Pyramid. 




JANUARY 30, I860.] 




THBRB are some days when there is a. perfect rush for BOBBINS. If 
he were the last stall left on an old Jenny Lind night, he couldn't be in 
greater demand. HOBBISS' presence would be bought, if it could, at 
dinner in hard cash and handsomely paid for, too. What was once 
undoubtedly a favour to Rnumss, is now a favour KUmto 

his entertainers. Ten families, for lave all filed the same 

day for their dinner-parlies, and every family receives, on the very 
same mornins, one refusal from one guest. All the parties are now 
uneven numbers. At this crisis, what is to be done ? Send for 
HOBBINS. So they all send for BOBBINS. Banm receives^the invi- 
tations by word ol mouth, or by letter. But a call in proprid persona, 
from host or hostess, if not too late, does the trick, and wins BOBBINS for 
his, or her, table. This is the only way to catch him, while, like the 
Cit in Bombastes, he is, " Pondering which to take and which refuse." 

BOBBINS has the power, you see, of making many people happy. For 
it is a fearful cry that goes up from despairing matrons on such a 
morning as that described above, of which the burden ia, "Ma. KOCK 
BOBBINS ; or, Thirteen at Dinner .'" I hate heard of a party of twelve 
ultimately reduced to KOCK BOBBINS alone ; that is, to him and his 
host, for the lady of the house had neither the face nor the heart to 
meet her husband's guest, even to reward that faithful henchman, and 
decorate him with the blue Riband of the Almonds and B*isins. 

BOBBINS now thinks that he is in such request, on account of his 
gallant bearing, his polished manners, and his unexceptionable costume. 
Presuming upon this, he was very nearly being kicked out by an indig- 
nant husband, but that affair has oeen hushed up, (in fact, I only heard 
it from MAGO PIE, and took it for what it was worth, in the smoking- 
room,) and little KOCK BOBBINS is at the top of his profession. 

His card bears upon it simply " Mu. KDUK BOBBINS," with the 
address, which yon may be certain is central ; for, like a doctor, he 
must live where he can oe got at soonest, and with the least possible 

I do not care who the professional man is, or to what profession 
he belongs, he can't afford to despise the humblest client. 

If KOCKY were to refuse my crumbs, as 1 hear he has done some 
people's, at whose doorstep he would, at one time, have timidly 
scraped his boots, I shouldn't let him have the chance of refusing a 
second time, that 's all. 

KOCKY BOBBINS is a privileged man. A professional dinner-eater is 
not expected to fine dinners, only to eat them. But, great as is 
his immunity, the obligations of his state are heavy, and, sometimes, 
oppressive. He is expected to eat of everything at table. He is ex- 
pected to know his host's and hostess's taste, and should anything of 
which they are fond be running short, he would forfeit their confidence 
for ever, were he to take the last bit, just before it was being brought 
(by particular direction given to the waiter) to the lady of the house. 
He is even to suffer her to say sweetly, " I know yon don't care for 
this," as the supercilious Plush passes him over. It would be an act of 
ingratitude, for instance, if BOBBINS, after dinner, backed up somebody's 
suggestion about another bottle of claret, or if he didn't meet such a 
proposal by at once saying, "No more for me, thank you; I shan't 
touch a drop, I assure you." 

BOBBINS is becoming, however, so well known that this last trick is 
getting somewhat stale, and graceless fellows, who have no households 
of their own, will inquire after BOBBINS' appetite, and drinkatite, in a 
way which would make any amateur in the art of diuing-out blush first, 
and throw decanters afterwards. Not so BOBBINS, he considers their 
vulgar banter as a professional joke, and knows well enough that 
they "11 pour in oil and wine on his wounds by asking him to a bachelor 
dinner at the Club, where there '11 be the best salad, and with the bird, 
the finest Burgundy that you can get anywhere in London. 

KOCKY BOBBINS consequently is a great ally of Old BARNDOOK'S. As 
Old BARNDOOR being a Jolly Old Cock, gives dinners, he likes to have 
always some one ready to whom to give 'em. 

I have heard that Acting Managers of Theatres know exactly 
where to pounce dawn upon enough people sufficiently presentable to 
make a fair show in his stalls, dress-circle, and private boxes, when the 
business is horribly below par. 

It is a tradition, 1 believe, that there are rooms full of these people 
of all sizes, looks, shapes and ages, always in evening dress, with cleaned 
gloves from six till nine, sitting as mute as wax-works till the messenger 
from the Theatre arrives to say they are wanted, and takes off so many 
of them as suit his purpose. I should like to come suddenly into a 
family of "Orders," just before seven o'clock. At half-past nine (they 
are never sent for later than this, and as a rule they needn't be in 
waiting after eight) they lay aside their festive costumes, not to be 
resumed until six the next evening. 

Well, the Jolly Old Cock lias dependents of this kind. Should it 
ever happen that there is a chance ol his dining alone, a thing the Jolly 

Old Fellow abominates, he sends off, or goes himself to KOCK BOBBINS 
as the head of the professional diners-out. Failing him and his kind, 
he goes down the scale, and knows where to find those who will be 
precious glad to come, and who think they are doing thnuelort a turn 
(the simple slybooters !) when in reality they are actually conferring a 
favour on him. 

" Hut, Lor bless you." as Little JACK SPRATT, a very respectable 
teacher of the piano, with, I fear, very few pupils except a protegee, I 

I believe, of Old BARNDOOR'S as poor little JACK said tome, " we don't 
confer no benefit on MR. BARNDOOR, Lor no." JACK SMUTT call* BARM- 
DOOR " Sir," and he and his wife, whose platter is clean and bare, are with 
prote'ge'e aforesaid, always ready to dine with the Jolly Old Cock. 

, It would be as much as little SPRATT'S professional existence is worth 
to refuse; nay, both MRS. and MR. S. call to apologise for being oat 
when MR. B. came to ask them to come to dinner the other day. Old 
BARNDOOR was kind to them when there was a man in possession, and 
since that, SPRATT, or his wife, would lay down their lives for such a 

: generous noble-hearted man. JACK SPRATT has told me at much with 
tears in his eyes. MRS. SPRATT bad some objections to JACK'S giving 

i music lessons to the protege (a very pretty young lady, named Mus 
(i U.KNB.) and subsequently receiving her at the house. But the Jolly 
Old Cock invited them to dinner, gave MRS. SPRATT a beautiful gold 
watch and chain, and arranged with them that they should be at no ex- 
pense if they would take this young lady in whom he professed a fatherly 

be sure. 

So MRS. SPRATT (who was a clergyman's daughter, and one of six- 
teen) saw at once that there could be no harm in such an arrangement, 
and severely blamed herself for allowing a shade of suspicion to cross 
her mind concerning the conduct of such a kind, generous, good 
creature as MR. BARNDOOR. 

The Jolly Old Cock prefers his own table to anyone's. 
" I like, he says, jovially, " my friends to come to me. Let me en- 
i tertain them" and so dining out is to him more a nuisance than a 
! pleasure. He is very rich, but is still connected with some business, 
without which occupation his day would be a blank. 
(To be Continued.) 



To leave Bites in the lurch, or secede from the Church ? 

Our lights or our livings to drop ? 
The La (shame and woe !) says, Obey me, or go ! ** 

But the Profits advise us to stop. 

The Law and the Prophets we 're bound to obey ; 

As they differ, our duty 's to doubt : 
So we think, on the whole, in oar livings we '11 stay, 

Until we are forced to turn out 

Ma. PrrscH to ask 

1. What is the Ritual Commission doing now P 

2. Whether one part of the Thames Embankment won't be worn 
away before the other is completed ? 

3. When there is going to be easy communication between Guard 
and Passenger on every Railway ? 

I. When Improved Fire Escapes will be made and used ? 

5. When the Police Force will be improved f 

G. When known and suspected thieves can be dealt with preventively, 
and their nests destroyed ? 

7. U'tiether as to subjects of questions 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,.we must wait for 
some tremendous accident or fearful crisis to hurry us into active 
measures ? 

Odd Things in the Papers. 

" ROTAL COLLFOH OF SURGEONS. The following gentlemen pused their 
primary examinations in anitnmy and physiology .... LOUD TATTBHSALL, 
of St. Bartholomew's Hospital." 

I). KI-.ANB, Q.C., and MR. SIMS KERVES appeared for the 1'eti! 

"" There is some slightly bet; n" the anxious reader is on the 

tip-toe of expectation, hoping at UMSI that the East End of London u meant 
" the saline works at Wielic/ 

" PRINCB NAPOLEON appears to be mending." (What ?) 

" When the Judge* are in itaurit." 

' A WINDIXG-DP CASE." A Watch's. 



[JANUARY 30, 1869. 


Extract of letter from Edith to Clara .- "'And then we had such fun, last week. Our part of the town was flooded, and HARRY (who 
is so clever), with the aid of some canvas, &c. .'"converted a punt into a miniature Gondola, and he and CHARLES rowed us about, quite like 
Venice," &c., &c., &c. 


A GENTLEHAN who has lost his seat in Parliament through bribery 
by his agents declared in Court that he Never told a Lie in his Life. 

We have no doubt that he believed what he said, and that he is a 
highly honourable gentleman. 

When True Thomas was informed by the Queen of faery that she 
meant to give him a tongue that could not lie, he vehemently remon- 
strated against a present which he said would make him unfit for 
lordlings" feast and lady's bower. 

What is a lie ? 

Is it One, when yon are courting, to tell the lady that you never 
before saw any girl whom you could love, and that if she will wed you, 
every hour, every moment of your life shall be devoted to efforts to 
make her happy ? 

Is it One, when a worthy and kind-hearted utter bore calls upon 
you, interrupting your work, or preventing your walk, to say that you 
are glad to see hita P 

Is it One, when you get two invitations, to choose the pleasanter, 
though you opened it after the other, and write to the sender of the 
other that you regret that a previous engagement^ &c. ? 

Is it One, when the author of a book which he has sent you asks you 
how you like it, to say that you think it is admirable. Or to say that 
you saw it was too good to read hastily, and that you are reserving it 
lor quiet perusal during your holiday ? 

Is it One, when you are being bored beyond bearing at a dinner- 
party, to say that you must join your wife at another house, and thus 
to excuse your slipping away early ? 

Is it One, when a well meaning, but ignorant host asks you point- 
blank whether that is not a fine glass of wine, to make him think you 
think the abomination nectar ? 

Is it One when a rich and religious aunt asks you whether you have 
been to church, to express a hope that she does not think you have 
forgotten the habits taught you by her when you were a boy ? 

Is it One, when a fnend who never repays loans asks you for a 

cheque, to be returned on Tuesday, to be sorry that your balance is so 
very low just now, &c ! 

Is it One to say something ot the same kind when your wife, in the 
course of a walk, shows a marked propensity for examining the 
windows of silk-mercers or jewellers ? 

Is it One when the Whip wants you particularly, and you can't get 
an answer about the place you want for a voter's son, to say that'you 
hope to be down for the division, but that you are afraid of bronchitis, 
these disagreeable nights. 

Is it One to misdirect a letter, so as to cause its delay, when you 
particularly desire to stand well with your correspondent, and yet tliat 
your answer shall be too late for his purpose ? 

Is it One to oblige an incompetent person with a testimonial to his 
fitness for office, in terms that will help him, but which, if examined, 
commit you to nothing f 

Is it One, when your friends are talking of their swell acquaintance, 
to ask, in a casual way, whether anybody has heard of LORD HYPHEN, 
as you did not see him at LADY ASTEHISK'S on Saturday the fact 
being that you were not there, and don't know her or him V 

Is it One, when A tells you that he knows you heard that story 
against him from B, to give him your solemn word of honour that B 
never spoke to you on the subject, the fact being that B wrote you the 
story ? 

Is it One when a painter shows you a bad work, and demands your 
opinion, to tell him, in an important and final sort of way, that such a 

Picture as that requires no praise, and he knows much better than you 
o what he has done there ? 

We shall be happy to receive replies from Jesuits, moralists, people 
of the world, clergymen, Philistines, Quakers, humbugs, women, and 
anybody else who likes to answer all or any of the above conundrums. 


A GENTLEMAN who has just furnished his house writes to'ua to say, 
that he finds dumb waiters don't answer. 

JANUARY 30, 1869. 




IT seems barely conceivable that in a case where the Saturday 

Review and the Pall '-lie are on one side, and the HOME 

!;KTARY on the other, anybody should dare to express an opinion 

that the Official is in the right, and his critics in the wrong. But Mr. 

Punch must venture on this during step, iu the case of BKUCE v. Bis- 


Here is the case as summed up by MR. BROCK. 

a cobbler, had been drinking, but was not too drunk to 
know what be was doing. 

1 11 tliis state, at a late hour of the night, he comes upon a stranger 
lying asleep in a li> M. 

A devilish desire (as he himself confesses) seizes him to kill this man. 
From the bed of a neighbouring brook he picks a stone of SOlbs. 
weight dashes it on the sleeper's head, and kills him. 

lie then lies down by the side of the murdered man, and is found 
there quietly sleeping by those who discover the body. 

It is proved he had never seen the man, and that lie had not robbed 

A strange case, surely, on the face of it, but there is no 'evidence 
tendered at the trial to show that the murderer is in other than his 
right mind. 

The jury find him guilty, with another man who was found in the 
neighbourhood at the time, and the Judge passes sentence of death on 

BISGROVE subsequently confesses the deed, and exonerates the man 
who has been sentenced with him. 

A clergyman who had been present at the trial, struck with the 
strangeness of the case, sets about inquiring into the prisoner's ante- 

He finds that he had been an illegitimate child, deserted by his 
parents, and brought up by charity. 

That he had become a collier, was quiet, inoffensive, and a general 

That a few years ago, while at work in a pit, he received a shock 
from seeing a man killed close beside him by a fall of a stone from the 
roof of the colliery. 

That, ever since, he had been subject to epileptic fits, which had led 
to his being discharged by his employers. 

That it was the general impression among his neighbours that these 
fits had weakened his mind (as epileptic fits, after a time, usually do). 
These facts were communicated to the HOME SECRETARY. 
He desired the Chief Constable of the county to go to tfie spot, and 
carefully sift the evidence as to these facts. 

The Chief Constable took the evidence of ten or twelve trustworthy 
witnesses, which fully corroborated the clergyman's statement. 
On this, Ma. BRUCE commuted the sentence. 
For this he was roundly taken to task by the Saturday Renew and 
the Pall Mall Gazelle, before his explanation of the circumstances 
under which he stayed the execution was made public. 
Unexplained, the commutation teas startling. 

But as explained, it seems to Mr. Punch not only that the Hong 
SECRETARY did his duty in commuting the sentence, but that the 
method he took of satisfying himself as to the grounds for doing so 
was sufficient, and, under the circumstances, not open to objection. 

The Pall Matt would have found no fault with him " if he had sent 
down a physician of skill and experience in diseases of the brain, had 
ordered aim to examine BISOROVB personally, had laid before him the 
evidence as to his past history carefully sifted, had received a report 
from the doctor that BISGROVE was certainly insane, had taken counsel 
with the Judge who tried the case as to the weight to be attached to 
this report, and had then, as the result of this investigation, given 
orders for the prisoner's removal to a lunatic asylum." 

How does the Pall Mall know that MR. BRUCE did not consult with 
the Judge who tried the case? We would venture to assume that he 
did. If so, the head and front of MR. BRUCE'S offending, even on the 
Pall Mail's showing, is, that he substituted his own judgment and 
the Chief Constable's for that of " the physician of skill and experience 
in diseases of the brain." 

We should be glad to know the physician whose judgment in such a 
matter is prima facie so much better than that of a Home Secretary of 
long experience at the bar, and a Chief Constable, that the acting on 
the one would have been altogether right, while the acting on the other 
was " altogether wrong." 

The Pall Mall assumes that the evidence collected by the Chief 
Constable was not subjected to the test of cross-examination, was not 
borne out by the opinion of impartial experts, did not, perhaps, even 
clearly distinguish between the fits whicU were matters of fact and j 
the mental weakness which was matter of inference. Is not this 
rather a large assumption ? 

It strikes us that the Chief Constable was in all probability just as 
capable of such cross-examination and distinction and of taking 
opinions of impartial experts, as the " physician of skill and experience 
in diseases of the brain," would have been likely to be. Judging by 

what Mr. Punch has seen of such physicians in the witness-box, he ia 
not inclined to rate their average judicial faculty very highly; and 
in any case that concerned himself decidedly rather trust the 
judgment of a Home Secretary and Chief Constable than that of any 
M.I), he has ever watched under cross-examination. 

Nor can we see the nacif/e that so " astonishes " the Pall Mall, in 
MR. BRUCE'S adding, (as evidence that he has acted rightly ilUhe 
case,) that the Visiting Justices at Taunton had ordered a mMBal 
inquiry ; that the man had been pronounced insane ; and that applica- 
tion had been made at the Home Ofiice to have him removed to a 
lunatic asylum. 

What right has the Pall Mail to assume that either the Somerset- 
shire justices, or the Somersetshire doctors have come to this conclu- 
sion, as a matter of course, and merely or mainly because the Secretary 
of State had come to it before them ? 

We really do not sec what the hitter have done to deserve the 
Pall Mall'i sneer that they would have carried independence to an 
absurd pitch, if they had refused to enable the Visiting Justices to 
support what MR. BRUCE had done, not because it was just and right, 
but because he had done it. 

Mr. Punch is glad to own to a better opinion of both Somersetshire 
justices and Somersetshire doctors, and takes the liberty -poet the 
Pall Mall in express kit opinion that the HOME SECRETARY ha* done 
his duty in this case, and has not laid himself open to fair animadver- 
sion by the way in which he has done it. 



Mr dear little Hellenes, pet no more rebelling* : 

Get np no more rows under auspices Huss : 
There '* a fable of which you should need no more tellings. 

Touching certain hot chestnuts, a pug and a puss. 
Already by dabbling in Eastern hot water*, 

Your poor little fingers you 've burnt to the bone. 
Leave Russia in future to catch her own Tartars, 

Fight shy of the CZAR, and let Turkey alone. 

Need I tell you the tale how, when once dwarf and giant 

Went to make joint-stock war on the world, the big gun 
Thrust the small one in front, till the dwarf, too compliant, 

Found that lie dropp'd a limb every battle they won. 
If the Great Eastern question so presses for oping, 

Let those who will profit by 't stand the expense. 
Don't you play in the land of an ally who "s hoping 

That you '11 take the kick*, while he pocket* the pence. 

Trust Bulgaria and Bosnia, WaUachia, Moldavia, 

With their Suzerain Sultan to clear their own scores 
Let the Turk bind Crete over to better behaviour ; 

Leave Albania still Moslem, though close at your doors. 
" Grande Me " though it be to make Hellas commander 

Of all the Turk rules on this side Helle's sea, 
There 's an idee I venture to call even grander 

Let Hellas make Hellas all Hellas should be. 

Instead of declaiming about her old glories, 

Let her kick drones and demagogues both off her back 
Open roads, pay off debts, and give up telling stone*, 

Get rid of her brigands, her army bid pack : 
Make her peasants secure of the fruits of their tillage : 

Find the right men and in the right place set them fiat : 
Keep her judges from bribes, her officials from pillage, 

Turn her face to the future, her back to the pact. 

Till the star of her youth through her dark present flinhm. 

And the dead bones around stir and draw to its light ; 
And a nobler Byzantium arise from Time's ashes, 

And Hellas's'nilc is the rule of the Right. 
Then beneath her broad tegis the nations shall gather. 

While the glories of old re-emblazon her name, 
And tlie shades of her heroes exultingly father 

The Hellas they now from Olympus di*rii 

A Saintly Garment. 

" Aw evening ppr itatw that every teventh day Qtrrac ISABELLA receives 
a small packet containing the chemiM which Suter PATKOCIXIO ha worn 
during the preceding week ; her M.tjety, in her turn, dons thU garment for a 
similar period." Fall Mall GattU (Part* Camtpondtna). 

Poor DONSA ISABELLA ! What shifts she is put to ! 

" LIBERAL TO THB BACKBONE." The Gaoler who Flogs tke Ga- 



[JANUARY 30, 1869. 


(A Promoter 's Protest.) 

Is 't a fact, or hideous vision ? 
Is it mockery or derision ? 

DOCTOR TIIOM and his attorney 
Pray that OEREND and GURNEY 
May be sent the swindlers' journey 

Fid Guildhall Dock to Quod ! 

Two faiths I had abiding ones 
That Themis' scales were sliding ones ; 
That shareholders, confiding ones, 

Would bleed, yet stand at ease : 
That law kept its fangs and feelers 

For small cheats and petty stealers, 
And not for daring dealers 

With millionslike these. 

But this hideous innovation. 
Scouts the recognised relation 
Of pec and spec-vilation, 

Financiering treats as fraud : 
To narrow morals panders, 
And raises City danders, 
Sauce for geese makes sauce for ganders, 

Leaves Promoters all abroad ! 

Rudely calls their facts in question, 
On their figures throws reflection, 
Mars their programmes in conception, 

Closely clips their fancy's wings ; 
Judges big coups like little ones, 
Makes promoters' pathways kittle ones, 
Proves Mammon's pillars brittle ones, 

And big bubbles risky things ! 

A March Hare. 


AT a recent de lunatico inquiry, there was some difficulty 
in proving the insanity, when a witness casually said that 

Our Stout Cook. "WHAT'S THIS? 'MEDICAL ATTENDANCF, Two- AN'-Six !'j he remembered hearing the alleged madman "argue with 
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD 'UN! WHY, I ATTENDED ON 'IM ! AN' 'AD TO WAIT Two his wife." The jury, without even turning round, instantly 
HOURS IN THAT THERE SURGERY ! ! " ' gave the verdict of hopeless lunacy. 


ALL you who have ever been accustomed to recreate your minds and 
bodies by rural rambles, are familiar with a certain exhibition of 
natural history frequently presented on the skirts of coppices. You 
recollect the spectacle of sundry specimens of the sylvan fauna, in a 
state of more or less perfect preservation, affixed to the trees. Stoats, 
to wit, weasels, jays, magpies, carrion crows, owls, sparrowhawksj and 
kestrels ; the kestrels owing their position to certain outward belong- 
ings which they share with the sparrowhawks, namely, a crooked beak 
and talons. Now, your kestrel uses these appliances principally, and 
almost entirely, for the purpose of catching and devouring mice and 
insects ; and it, at any rate, ought not to be found where you find it 
gibbeted by stupid keepers, who, if they knew their craft, would leave 
it alone to fly at large, and fan the wind over the fallows. The exter- 
nal attributes of a hawk do not necessarily bespeak a member of the 
dangerous feathered classes. Your honey-buzzard is as harmless as 
your kestrel, destroying no creature of more consequence than a 
dumbledore. Now, is it possible that what is thus true of the/a/- 
conida:, may be equally true of the human species ? A useful bird may 
be mistaken for a bird of prey ; but can any reasonable doubt be en- 
tertained as to the predatory character of the plumeless biped named 
in the subjoined extract from the Post : 

JAMES GOLLAGHEK, was apprehended at Hull on Tuesday, and charged with 
being a suspected person. He was remanded for further inquiries for seven 
days. In his pockets were found two pistols loaded and capped, a black mask, 
several wax-tapers and knives, such as are used by burglars, matches, and 

Few, probably, will question the individual, whose capture is an- 
nounced as above, to be a really pernicious member of the raptorial 
order. Not many would hesitate to bet a round sum, that the result of 
any inquiries which may have been effectually made was the discovery 
that the possessor of the articles enumerated in the foregoing state- 
ment is a character well known to the police, and most likely also to 

the governors of a great variety of gaols, metropolitan and provincial. 
What is to be done with such an obvious person of prey such an un- 
mistakeable instance of human vermin ? What is he fit for but a place 
equivalent to that assigned by the keeper to the local carnmora? 
Humanity, however, forbids the cheapest way of dealing with him. It 
will be for the wisdom of an enlightened Ministry and a Reformed 
Parliament to devise the most economical way of making society safe 
from the depredations and outrages of him and his like, whilst keeping 
them alive. 


MR. PUNCH observes that MR. ROBERT BUCHANAN, a poet of the 
right sort, reads publicly in London. Ha ! Sirs ! We could well like 
to hear him in his own bold talk between Silenas and Polypheme, 

" That great sad Mountain, in whose depths doth roam 
His small soul, wandering like a gentle lamb." 

Mr. Punch -wishes him every success, and by way of pointing a 
paragraph avowedly written to serve a gentleman for whom he has a 
rd, adds that he has no doubt that MR. BUCHANAN speaks up, for 

delightful as are his Undertones in print, they won't do on a platform. 

Pauca Verba. 

A NOODLE writes to ask Punch if there is any truth is the old saying 
that " pigs see the wind," and if so what wind is it they see. Punch 
is not to be done. He has his reply ready. Why of course they can, 
and the particular wind in question is a " Sow-wester." 


A WATCHMAKER has lately got damages for injuries arising from an 
accident on a Railway platform : appropriately enough, the case was 
heard before the Secondary. 

Printed by Joseph Smith, o( No. U. Holford Square, tn the Pariah of St. James, Clerkenwell. In the County ot Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans. A Co., Lombard 
. _. Street, In tne Precinct of Whltetrlan. in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 84. Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London. biTL-aoxi, January 30, 1809. 

FEBRUARY 6, 1869.] 




Brisk Volunteer (to languid ditto). " Yorj 'LL BE AT DRILL NEXT SATURDAY, 
WON'T YOU 1 " 

Languid One. " Kn, AH, IT 's THE FIRST THIS SEASON, ISN'T IT ? YA-AS, 



BRAVO, Blackhcath ! What a blessing it would be if all the towns in England 
were to follow its example, and set on foot a Men-and-women-dicity Society ! This 
is how all beggars are treated at Blackheath : 

" Tickets are supplied to every house in the neighbourhood ; one of these is to be given 
to the beggar in answer to his application. The ticket merely gives him the right to be 
attended to by the society's officer, at the Alexandra Rooms, Blackheath, and has, therefore, 
no marketable value. 

" The officer listens to liii tale; if he be resident in the neighbourhood, he will receive 
a printed form, in which his statements are inserted, enclosed in an i lie relieving 

"Hirer of his district. Very few of these letters will ever be delivered, the impostor well 
Knowing the reception which awaits him ; and, being unable to procure anything but the i 
society's tickets in the whole of the neighbourhood, lie will go elsewhere. 

" The committee is quite ready to admit that there occasionally may be a worthy case. 
In this instance the letter will reach the relieving officer. By him a form will be filled up, 
-' wliat the guardians have been able to allow, and expressing his opinion if any 
further assistance might he advantageously given. The applicant is thereupon referred 
to the clergyman or minister near whom lie resides ; and the society hopes to be able to 
forward a donation for his relief, to be applied through authorised local channels." 

If the beggar be deserving, he will be relieved ; if he be an impostor, he will be ! 
detected. How many beggars in ;i hundred are worthy to be helped, the bulletin 
which is displayed at Blackheath every week may indicate : 

" BLACKHEATH MENDICITY SOCIETY. Cases attended to last week, 98; ditto last 
month, 410. Professed mendicants .in 1 .ii-tressed labourers sent from the neighbourhood 
last week, 69 ; ditto, last month, 2 H . Deserving cases last week, 6 ; ditto last month, 20." 

Honest workmen out of work, and wanting to get home, have a railway ticket i 
given them to do so. Beggars who declare that they are absolutely starving get 
a bit of bread, which they must eat in the presence of the officer who gives it. 
Worthy cases are endorsed by the parish authorities, and charity flows in abund- 
antly to help them. But scamps are scared away, and tramps go tramping off 
from the village of Blackhcath, and on this account it surely may be callea the 
Happy Village. 



OLD fogies say, old stories show, 

That fellows, fools though far above ; 
For girls half mad went years ago. 

Fell, as they used to say, in love. 
So frantic as those fellows flew, 

Never in these days you see men ; 
Some seniors this attribute to 

Tobacco, which they smoked not then. 

They melancholy got, and pale, 

In various books, the fact we read ; 
Became indifferent to ale. 

And actually off their feed ! 
A state of mind one scarcely can 

One 's self imagine being in ; 
Except, supposing that a man 

Were terribly hard up for tin. 

Yet when I look into the face 

Of somebody that I could name ; 
It is undoubtedly the case 

That something like a gentle flam. 
Communicated from her eyes, 

A slight sensation does impart, 
Which, if a fellow were unwise, 

He might encourage in his heart. 

Her smile such happiness beams through, 

That, if she were a fellow's wife, 
He fancies he 'd be happy too. 

Being the partner of her life. 
But when be estimates her dress, 

And counts the cost of being wed, 
Of course this dream of happiness 

He then dismisses from his head. 

But now economy Vthe cry 

In public service : so it may 
Become the fashion by-and-by 

Likewise in the domestic WIT. 
Impressions one might then allow 

To have upon him those effects. 
Which prudence will not suffer, now, 

Them to produce, if he reflects. 

Once, on two hundred pounds a- year, 

I 've heard, a couple could commence ; 
Now it requires a thousand, clear 

So great is married life's expense. 
Perhaps Retrenchment will recall 

The cheaper times of which we 're told, 
And fellows, if they choose, may fall 

In love, and marry as of old. 


STUDENTS of theatrical astronomy who are desirous of 
learning all about the movements of the Stars in tin- 
dramatic firmament, should provide themselves forthwith 
with MR. ANSON'S Almanack, wherein abundant infor- 
mation is furnished on such matters. Here thcv will find 
recorded the times and places of the rising and the setting 
of all the stars of any magnitude that have appeared since 
wellnigh SHAKSPKRE'S time until the present. Here they 
may learn the orbits of the planets who go starring hi the 
provinces, and the; positions of the fixed stars that prefer to 
keep in town ; and they may find recorded very interesting 
tales of many of the comets, or eccentric bodies, that from 
time to time have blazed upon the stage. Here they will 
learn when Harlequin, that bright, particular star, first 
shone before the footlights ; and they will hear who first 
discovered the constellation Pantomime, at which so many 
telescopes, in the shape of opera-glasses, are nightly now 

(ACCORDING TO MR. AVKTON). High-pay-tia. 

WASHES).- The Rightful Hair. 




[FBBBUABT 6, 1869. 


A Drama of a Government Office in 1870. 


ScBME A Government OJlce. Him Fifteen minutes before the hour 
fur attendance. But all Ike ffentlemea, haoe arrived, and all their 
coats and hats are dull/ hung up. SEASON Wittier. 

GOODY. This is a most excellent 
plan, Gentlemen, tliis arriving 
a quarter of an hour before the 
time prescribed. It not only 
insures the commencement of 
the nation's business at the 
proper moment, but it enables 
us to enjoy that social converse 
which would be improper 
during the hours for which we 
are paid. 

Mr. He Coram. If I could 
add anything to so delightful 
a remark, it would be that we 
are also able, in what 1 may 
facetiously term an Economic 
Parliament, to discuss any 
little ideas that may have oc- 
curred to us for the promotion 
of the reforms desired by our 
respected chiefs. 

Mr. Docile. Happily said. 
May I take the liberty of asking 
each gentleman present to ac- 
cept from me (opens a small 
parcel) one of these Penwipers, 

which I think- will be found useful. Nothing tends to the conservation 
of a pen. so much as carefully wiping it when done with, or in the 
intervals of business. 

Mr. Goody. Speaking, I am sure, not only my own sentiments but 
those of our friends here, I may say that we are much obliged to you, 
DOCILE. Your own handiwork, might we ask ? 

Mr. Docile. Well yes that is, with the assistance (blushes) of a fair 
friend or two. 

Mr. Arch. Ah, DOCILE ! (Lays his hand on his heart.) 
Mr. De Coram. Nay, spare the banter. He said " or two." We will 
assume sisters or shall we say cousins ? 

Mr. Docile. Not so ; but aunts, who are deeply interested in our 
little economic reforms, and favour me with many hints in that 

Mr. Amenable. I shall ever regret that I was not taught to write 
with steel pens ; but it is no affectation to say that I cannot discharge 
the required amount of duty without quill pens. But 1 feel so strongly 
that the nation ought not to lose by the inadvertence of my parents 
(of whom, however, I would speak with all reverence), that I have cal- 
culated the difference in cost between steel and quill, and it is my 
intention to supply myself, at my own expense, with the latter, so far 
as its cost is in excess of the former. 

Mr. Goody. Our friend needs no praise but that of his conscience, or 
I should say that I hardly know whether to admire most, his exact 
habit or his sense of justice. 

Mr. Amenable. Praise from MR. GOODY is praise to be received with 
out hesitation, and to be remembered without vanity. 

Mr. Mililf. I hear with regret that there has been cause for displea- 
sure in the next room. I will abstain from using names, but I am told 
that a gentleman, having the misfortune to overturn his inkstand 
(general shudder), was thoughtless enough, instead of wiping up the 
ink with his coat, or his handkerchief, or some other article of his own, 
to use the national blotting-paper. (Sensation.) 

Mr. I ><iri/c. The painful report had reached me, but I thought it best 
to be silent, in tin; hope that there might be exaggeration. But I 
deplore the fact that the case was even worse than our friend Ma. 
MILDE has forbearingly put it. The blotting-pad was a new one. 
(Renewed sensation.) 

Mr. Goody. I trust that the Heads will take a lenient course, but I 
doubt whether they will consider it justifiable. Was it a first offence, 
do you know, DOCILK ? 

Mr. Docile. Alas, no. The same misguided person had been already 
admonished for cutting his nails with a national penknife. 

Mr. Goody. Tims imperilling the edge; for the nail, unless saturated 
with water, is exceedingly bard. Yet I can feel for the offender, for 
(smilf.i) I had nearly been led astray in the same manner. 
All. You! 

Mr. Goody. Indeed, yes. For though, of course, I carry a knife of 
my own, fur use on such occasions, in a moment of abstraction 1 was 
on the point 

NT. Arch. Of the knife ? 

Mr. Goody. Ever playful but harmlessly so. _ No, but of using the 
wrong one. Providentially, I noted my mistake in time. 

Mr. Prim. It has occurred to me, but, as a very young employe here, 
I make the suggestion with diffidence, that did we all bring slippers 
with us, much wear and tear might be saved to the national carpet. 
We could change our boots or siioes for them in the washing-room, 
resuming the former at the close of business. 

Mr. Goody. The suggestion evinces so good a spirit that I hesitate 
to damp it, but I may mention that the idea has been considered by the 
Heads, and its adoption has not been recommended. I am without 
information as to reasons, but as we are bound to believe the best (as 
indeed it is a pleasure as well as a duty to do), we may assume that 
cold feet, whence indisposition, and of course incapacity, may be feared 
from the use of slippers. But pray, MIL. PJIIM, believe that your zeal 
excites admiration iu your colleagues. 

Mr. Gentle. Friday next, 1 observe from Men of the Time, is our own 
Chiefs birthday. Do not think that I would suggest a testimonial of 
the ordinary kind he would dislike, if his kindness did not prevent | 
him from refusing it. But suppose we marked the occasion by tendering 
him a document in which we should express our willingness to remain 
at our desks for an additional hour ? (Partial applause.) 

Mr. Goody. 1 think, my dear M.K. GENTLE, you have the happiness of 
being a bachelor, by which very imperfect expression I mean that you 
have not the happiness of being a husband ? 

Mr. Gentle. I am indeed a solitary one. 

Mr. Goody. Then I will, with all respect, ask you to reconsider that 
idea of yours at a date when other than official influences have sway 
with you. 

Mr. Arch. There are circumstances over which some of us have no 
control flome of those circumstances have bright eyes and ready 
tongues, and they consider that the nation has enough of our time. 

Mr. Gentle. I am answered. 

Mr. Softroe. I could wish you, MR. GOODY, to notice a trifling act of 
duty. My private stock of note-paper was exhausted yesterday, and 
it was necessary for me to write two notes in time to save post. I 
wrote, of course, after four o'clock, but I borrowed two sheets from 
the office. I replace them, adding a third, for I think that I tore one 
sheet about two mouths ago. I am not certain, but it is well to be on 
the safe side. 

Mr. Goody (gravely). The restitution is honourably C9mplete, but I 
may be allowed to remind you that London is full of accident, and that 
had anything happened to you between taking the nation's note-paper 
and replacing it, your recovery might have been retarded by the 
promptings of conscience. 

Mr. Softroe. That thought came upon me so strongly to-day, that I 
nearly fell off the omnibus, and thus might have incurred the peril 
against which you kindly warn me. The matter shall not occur again. 

Mr. Goody. So best. Our fire is but low this morning, and the 
weather is chilly. I will ring arid order a better blaze. 

All. Not so, dear Sir. 

Mr. Goody. No? 

Mr. Docile. No. We have all brought our railway rugs, or other 
wraps, and with these over our legs, any present appeal to the national 
coal-skuttle will he needless. 

Mr. Good)/ (visibly affected). Gentlemen, I am proud to be associated 
with men of such devoted patriotism. You are all far above the petti- 
ness of desiring plaudit, but it would be unfair to me, to yourselves, 
and to the nation, if I did not say, Ma. GUM SHALL HEAR OF THIS ! 

r Clock strikes X., and the next instant all are hard at work. 


THANKS to the exertions of benevolent Mr. Punch, street organs 
may be silenced now more easily than formerly. Still it is not always 
pleasant to rush out of one's study, and get a big thick stick, and strut 
into the street, some half score of times a day, to send away the 
miscreants who get pennies from your neighbours for worrying your 
life out. So we are very glad to see this scrap of news from Florence : 

" A Bill has been brought into the Italian Chamber to prevent the expor- 
tation of boys for organ-grinding." 

What to do with our street criminals ? This is one of the momen- 
tous questions of the day. Well then, why not "export " them, in 
exchange for the Italian organ-Qeuds imported here ? It Italy persists 
in sending ns street-brigands, who rob us of our comfort, to say 
nothing of our coppers, why should we not retaliate by shipping her a 
cargo of our scoundrelly garotters ? A hint to this effect would surely 
expedite the Bill to which we have alluded ; and perhaps our Foreign 
Secretary will be so good as to convey the hint by the next post to 

OUT OF HER ELEMENT. The kst place which you would expect a 
woman to like is a Still-room. 

FKBIIUARY G, 1869.] 




caring so much for the drama as to think it worth his while to go and 
say a " thank you " to an author who had done the Slate some - 
by his pen ! We fear that such a notion is one that never will bo 
OMFORTAHLF. PUNCH, I have "".,,^,,,,.,1 f rom the French." ,rthat, 

been very much; y j n the interests of humanity, and as a trifling recognition of his civilising 

M H. MAI LAKKN s new book influence, a Peerage and a pension were conferred on Mr. 1'unck. 
on Exercise, lou read < 
thing, so of course you have 
read that book, and are aware 
that it is a masterly exposi- 
tion of a sound system of 
physical education. It ap- 
hat any bod] 


START, selecting a pause, with something startling. Have they 
heard let your tone be deep and distinct of the latest London terror, 

makes it 
to me that 
I am injuring one 
iinest bodies nil 1 one of the noblest minds in the world, hy not taking 
Millie: 1 it my tmtualiiM iati) to matt to ya* on 

the su! 

Sir, 1 liate exercise, and the sight of MR. M 

represent grace '.'ill vouihs bedcweii v'\<\i :; ;n a .M>i:r- 1 may ,;m>!r 

th to -how tha'. I am a JBnl.lemani tlyinir :Mi MH^ CBM: ov.-r ail 

of bars and u me admiration, hut no envy, lam 

not tile ti^nre for that kind of , .efly devoted to yont 

I altered me from a y ran lit p*er into a r-ir Mm ten* atque 

<: fit*!/ US. 

Bui, Sir. he says that if I do not take exercise, my brilliant intellect 
will become impaired, and the doctors will be of no use. 

It occurs to me, Sir, that now is the time for you to come forward in 
that generous character for which you have always tabu. credit I 
know that you have long languished to prevent me with a testimonial. 
Now, Sir, is your chance. I want no watches, teapots, salvers, brooches, 
chains, or ouches. I want exercise. Behind my nouse are stables. 
Hire one, and guarantee the rent, (i rooms are to be had ; engage one, 

down by_t he 
ixford ~ 
M K. 

, Oxford CymnmnM. 

centre of a densely-populated district, 
rifle pockets and lighten purses, inched 
look on and laagk, lor. 
by the approval of the pabue proa. A 
raise your voice and drop yomr nmMq^j 
not to the HOVE SECKKTARI 

it, who will introduce them, in her 
<fc Vat, "the Ladies' Highwayman," I 
any night at the it-alre, and 

LoMkm telling everybody that the new 
well, with its ammunition of good sceaer 
bngbt sayings, and one scene, 

im the 


will take care of me. 1 enclose you, 
and not for publication, my weight. 

Sir, in the increased and continuous brilliancy of my work for you, 
and in the applause of a satisfied conscience, and of Ma. MACLAKEN, 
you will find your triple reward. 1 remain, 

Your obedient Contributor, 
Malcontent Lodge. EPICURUS. 

I'.S. I am told that I shall look very well on horseback, and I have 
a beautiful pair of long riding boots. I will be photographed as que>, i 

and soud you a picture'. 

wherel hy *e emigration of ft* Roy*l Academy to their new Pinaeo- 
thtk in Piccadilly, MR. Box ALL and KB. WORXCM will soon have 
room for the proper display of their precious possessions new and old ; 
and the old masters will make you think of the new masters and the 
Winter Exhibitions; and, catching at winter, a knowing hand like 
you, who always has his weather-eye open, will slide into remarks on 
the changes in the temperature, and the disappointed hopes of the 
1 ' s, who will bring to your recollection the following riddle and 
know that there is no more popular being in society than the 
ho asks, "Why ate the Three Per Cents, like stewed celery ? ' 
or, " What is the difference between a fixed star and a corkscrew ? " 
" Why is a man learning to skate like a phrenologist?" mth ita an- 
swer, to be administered immediately, " Because he becomes acquainted 
with bumps," which last word must bring up the Oxford and Cam- 
bridge Boat Race, and those remarkable members of the human race, 


OF course it never could occur to any English dramatist that it 
might be worth his while at sundry times to borrow an idea from the 
French. But we really feel inclined to wish that, just for this once, a 
notion could be taken, and transplanted into England, from a play 
which has been brought out at the Ambigu Comique. In a street- 
scene, laid in Paris, this incident occurs : 

" A horse is seen on the stage vainly endeavouring to drag a load which i 
too heavy for him. When he stops, exhausted, a brutal carter beaU him 
ferociously with the butt-end of the whip; a crowd collects; a generous 
Mirnrri' ; carter threatens oui-ritr ; ouvrier knocks down carter ; 

tableau ; situation ; and tremendous cheering." 

In London, as in Paris, there arc brutes who beat their beasts ; and 
in London, as in Paris, a lesson such as this might be given witli 
effect. Here too, " tremendous cheering " would probably arise when 
the ruffian was floored ; although an English audience is rarely so 
intelligent as an audience in France. But we doubt if our Society for 
Protecting Animals would act like their French brethren in the 
manner here described : 

" At a recent meeting, the Sorietc Proteetrice des Animaux, recognising 
the daring of the author in riskini: the fate of his piece for the sake of humane 
ideas, ' congratulates M. B.uuufeUE on h aid thanks him for his 

courage.' " 

Fancy any English dramatist being ever thanked by any one for his 
courage in attacking the vices of the day ! Fancy anyone in England 

_ _t the iligyptia! 
their~way~tothe'Pyramids and the Nile, and NILSSOW," whom "jon 
hope to hear again this season, and PATH'S triumphs at St. Petersbwfc, 
and Russia's views about Greece (be prepared to explain to MRS. 

DAN VEILS what a protocol is), and the book STEPHAHO'- 
is bringing out, and the result of the OVKRESD and QVUBT investi- 
gation, and the Election Trials, and "the Man in the Moon," and the 
Eclipse, and the Adelphi drama we are promised, to be built, on The 
Moonstone," aud the two capital plays we have got m ttrkool and 
Home, and the hope* we hare of the HOME SBCRKART, and the 
employment of women in the Civil Service, and the new Club for 
Women, and the Lectures for Ladies, and the CHANCELLOR OF THE 
EXCHEQUER'S speech at Gloucester, and the rumour that he will take 
the duty off coffee, and the universal thirst there appears to be for 
cocoa, if the placards may be believed, and the advertisements of 
Besiquc, and the close of the game season, and any other Imht and airy 
topic, such as KAKI. KTSSELI. on the Irish Church, or the MARQUIS OF 
BUTE in the Romish Church, adapted for home consumption and 
exportation to the colonies. 

Logic for Ladies. 

THE Madrid Correspondent of the Times quotes, in connexion with 
Spanish affairs, the saying of somebody that " no religion is better 
than the best." Who oneinated this aphorism ': The Drlp'rc Pytho- 
ness, one would think. In the same way we might say, 
is better than the best," a proposition which might have been affirmed 
by the Gymnosophists, and would not be denied by the readers of the 
Queen. But then, you see, dears, that there is a very considerable 
difference between no particular costume and no costume at all. 



[FBBBUABY 6, 18G9. 

BEHOLD three gallant gentlemen 

Beside their true loves three ! 
There 's TOM, the bearded Englishman, 

On DORA doateth he : 
There 's MAT, the'whisker'd Welshman bold, 

And ETHEL is his queen ; 
And Sandy BOB, the Scotsman, loves 

Pair MAUD (in velveteen). 


And DORA doats upon the beard 

That decks that English face ; 
And ETHEL loves the whiskers which 

Those bold Welsh cheeks do grace ; 
And MAUD adores that Scottish man, 

And, if the truth be told, 
His Caledonian sandiness 

Doth seem to her like gold ! 

Now, some would be that Welshmau fain, 

And some that sandy Scot, 
And some that bearded Englishman, 

With DORA, for his lot : 
But as for me, I 'd sooner be 

Of all the men I 've known, 
That fond and foolish Ottoman, 

For reasons of mine own ! 


" THE LORD MAYOR said that, after much anxious consideration, he and 
his colleague had determined to commit the defendants for trial. A cheer 
rang^ through the Court at this announcement, which was taken up in Cheap- 
side." Report of the proceedings on the charge of conspiracy to defraud, of 
the Directors O/OVEKEND, GUKNEY, & Co. Limited. 

" COMMITTED for trial ! " A cheer, long and loud, 
From Guildhall and its court, to Cheapside and its crowd ! 
Pour, virtuous JOHN BULL, pour wrath's bitterest vial ; 
But let 's be quite sure who 's committed for trial ! 

On the bench, a Lord Mayor : in the dock, six Directors, 
Looking pale in the light of a host of reflectors 
A crowd their committal to Newgate who 'd hail 
But for smug millionitaires' and M.P.'s eager bail. 

Let us ( f>wn we 've sat through an instructive dissection ; 
Had a Great House " laid out, by the knife, for inspection : 
Neither lens has been stinted, nor scalpel been spared ; 
All its depths we 've had probed, all its nakedness bared, 

Watched each gangrene bisected, and bandied each sore, 
Until the poor ' subject " could teach us no more. 
Enough ! Cover up the dishonoured remains : 
Bear a hand with a bucket to wash down the stains. 

For if 'twas instructive, 'twas sickening too, 
When one thinks that the subject might be I or you, 
The shout of the crowd seems to jar on my ear : 
And, do what [ will, I can't echo the cheer. 

Are they cheering that pride should have come to a fall P 
Or that " great " men are made to rub shoulders with small ? 
Or rejoicing that Justice has one set of weights 
For penniless pickers and squires with estates ? 

Then better were silence of sorrow and shame, 

At the thought Justice could have had weights not the same : 

That 'twas cause for exulting to have it made sure 

That the law for the rich was the law for the poor. 

Rose the cheer from the victims, their ruin that owe 
To bund faith in these names, once so high, now so low ? 
Then silence were better, and veiling the face : 
Theirs the loss, but all England's, methinks, the disgrace. 

If they 're guilty, no cheer : why insult the bowed head ?, 
Why pour bitter scorn where foul ashes are spread ? 
If they 're guiltless, no cheer : they but went with the throng, 
Blind, blundering o'er landmarks between right and wrong. 

In no issue a cheer, but a groan and a cry 
For the soil'd name of England, that once stood so high- 
Stood so high, has so fallen, through gold's abject lust, 
That they who would seek it must look in the dust. 

A Handsome Commission Expected. 

A HINT for an enterprising Art Publisher. Bring out views of a 
well-known watering-place on the Norfolk Coast in Oroaier-kthu- 





FEBRUAEY C, 1869.] 




OWE, the Academic Antipodean 
(behold him) has been making a 
speech at Gloucester, and has 

fivcn considerable offence to the 
'ories. He stated that they were 
Dead to all intents and purposes 
extinct. What does he mean? 
asks the Standard, with some 
acerbity. Dead ! Why, we are 
two hundred and eighty, a firm 
and compact phalanx, as the 
Government shall have the plea- 
sure of seeing in about a fortnight. 
Surely we ought to know whether 
. we are dead or not. We represent 
WONT the aristocracy, the wealth, the 
^im ' mtamr intellect, and the respectability of 

the 5fe? and , L ,r a maiion 

more of the people than we repre- 
sented before the lleform Act. 
Dead be hanged. And we think 
that MR, LOWE is as bad as 
1 SH M AEL and worse than BRIGHT. 
We don't know what to say. It 
is a delicate question. Certainly 

it is hard upon a Party, in the singular, to be told that he is dead, 
(aa PARTKiDGB.tbe almanack-maker was told,) when he has every reason 
to believe the contrary, and the hardship is multiplied when Party is in 
the plural. But then MR. LOWE is a very clever man, and when he 
made his grand anti-reform speeches, the Standard regarded him as 
almost, if not quite, inspired. We repeat that the situation is delicate. 
But we are glad to think that the knot will soon be cut. It is mani- 
festly a case for a Coroner's Inquest. And the Grand Inquest of the 
Nation is about to be held. If the Party is alive, we presume that it 
will feel it a duty to look so, but if it be only two hundred and eighty 
ghosts, MR. GLADSTONE knows Latin enough (and to spare) to lay 
them in the Red Sea. Pendente lite, we will stand and mark," as the 
Laureate hath sung. 


FROM time to time questions as to the legality of certain entertain- 
ments arise which, after a vast deal of expense, time, labour, and 
trouble, are disposed of with a certain, amount of satisfaction to the 
parties engaged, and to the public in general. Entertainments then 
are to be thus divided Legal, illegal, undecided. 

Setting aside entirely the last class, and of course refusing to have 
anything to do with the second, a suggestion occurs to me, with regard 
to the first, which would lead to the announcement of Legal Entertain- 
ments for the People. 

But Legal Entertainments under a novel aspect, combining instruc- 
tion with amusement. IVrmit me to explain. 

The study of the Law is dry let us moisten it. It is heavy I j 
will lighten it. How ? By adopting the entertainer's plan, and adapt- 
ing it to the Law-Students' and Law-Lecturers' requirements. 

1 mean the plan of such an entertainer as MR. WOODIN used to be, 
or any of those gentry who dive behind a table and come up as some- 
body else with a wig on. 

In stead of our Law Lectures at the Temple being heavy and unin- 
viting, they would become most attractive, and many a youth, now 
deterred, at the very commencement of his legal career, oy the character 
of the studies, would throw himself into them with an energy which 
would soon hoist him on to the top of the first vacant woolsack. 

1 will at once give an example of my meaning, and will then leave 
the matter in the hands of those whom it chiefly concerns. 

SCENE. -A Lecture Room, or Hall, in the Temple. On the Dais at the e*d \ 
stands a piano and a table with two lamps on it. N.K. Renting 
would hf the time but this is for future consideration. Students 
arranged faring the Dai*. While they art assembling and inscrib- 
ing their names in the attendance-book, a Pianist performs various 
airs, e.g., " late ci darem," " The Jra Wali:^." ft., jr. 

Enter the Law Lecturer through a private door on to the Dais. Great 
applause. He boms and continences. 

Gentlemen. I shall treat of various subjects in this evening's enter- 
tainment, and I must ask the kind indulgence of my sood friends in 
front if they will allow me to call them so (applause) should 1 be com- 
pelled by the disorder under which I still labour (coughs and dissembles ; 
applause) to omit some of the imitations, recitations, and musical 
illustrations, with which it has hitherto been my wont to enliven the 

passing hour. In accordance, I say, with what I term my tco*t, the 
present exception is far from being agreeable to my tciU. 

[Laughter and applaute. Lecturer tmilei good-hunourcdly, coughs, 

and continues. 

You have, no doubt, Gentlemen, heard, or read of, or in some way 

met with, the expression Corporeal Hereditaments. 1 will try and 

convey to you some notion of its meaning, by explaining what it doesn't 

mean. I will now appear, Gentlemen, as a Corporeal Hereditament. 

[Lecturer disappear! behind table. Music, ''Scott who tehee." Buz* 

of expectation. Chord. \JT\\WT rr-upprors in targe white wig, 

green spectacle*, false ruddy chef la, ami generally fining the 

fat man. Great applause. 

lecturer 'imitating an old man's querulous tone). Don't talk to me of 
Corporeal Hereditaments. 1 say, don't. 1 recollect when your great 
grandmother was alive -ah, let me see, that was in 11 Geo. I., o. C5, 
when the Trustee Act was amended Lor' bless you don't tell roe 

An : " Sai, Ray McGregor, oh!" 

" Oh, yes, Sir, I have heard of Cor- 
poreal Hereditaments. 
Which it is a term of Law, 

Shewing a wit immense," &c., 4c. 

\Of course His is only a sketchy outline, tehich ant/ Lecturer can fill 
up for himself. 4fter the laughter has subsided , he viU disappear 
again, and reappear as himself. 

Lecturer (continues). Having shown von what is and what is not a 
Corporeal Hereditament, 1 will now explain how it is that neither Uiots, 
Lunatics, nor Infants, are legally capable of making any binding dispo- 
sition of any estate in them. 

By " estate in them," I do not mean that any of the above-mentioned 
characters could hare swallowed Hyde Park, or any other estate, 
(laughter), though the attempt would only go to prove the man an idiot, 
and, therefore, as 1 have said, incapacitated. 1 will now appear as a 
Lunatic. (Music : " Hush ! 'tis the Maniac ! " 

Lecturer (re-appear* ringing) 

I 'vc seen him dancing in the Hall, 

He cannot bind himself at all," ic., &c.' 

\_Great applause. lie disappears and pops up again as the Infant, 

then as the Idiot ; <\naUy in his oten character. 
Lecturer. So now you see Richard is himself again. (Applause.) We will 
next consider the Mortmain Act. Some people think it necessary in 
order to perform this, to have at least two bare-backed steeds and a 
circus. Not so, I assure you. 

[Music. lie goes through the Mortmain Act. Terrific applause. 

. The Second Part of the entertainment will consist of the story of 
The Descent of an Estate in Fee Simple, when I shall have the honour of 
assuming the following characters -.Susannah Brown and John Smith 
(without issue), then Joseph Broun, the father of the Purchaser; 
Bridget, his sister, from the country; Timothy, her half-brother, with a 
song. The climax will be the Failure of the Heirs of the Purchaser, 
and the sudden but triumphant appearance upon the scene of Harriet 
Tibbi 'who is entitled to the estate of her Maternal Grandmother and 
Her Heirs after her. (Much applaute.) 

The Third Part is very brief, and will consist of a series of beautiful 
Dissolving Views, showing the practice of the Divorce and Matrimonial 
Causes Court (applause), which will conclude with a dance of Kevs> 
sionary Interests and a military review of the Contingent Remainders. 
And lor the present, Gentlemen, there are ten minute* allowed for 
Refreshment. (Great applaute, dtring ichich the Ltetmrer horns and 

Of course, this scheme it only here presented in its germ to the 


Is a letter to the Times, " Re OVEH.EXD, GmurET, & Co.,*' MR, 
STEPHANOS XENOS speaks in very dyslogistic terms of that wonderful 
money-maker, the now famous Mu. HOWARDS. He says that MR. 
EDWARDS compelled him to pay him 500 a year, and also to give him 
a steam yacht worth 2000, much in the same way as the dove gives 
herself to the hawk." One would have thought that EE'NOS was a 
guest, or stranger among ns/not to be taken in by anybody but EfNOj 
a uost ; Greek thus meeting Greek with reciprocal hospitality. MR. 
is going^ to give an account of himself in a book. May he 
succeed in provii i - os did not take in XF \ 


THE Spanish ideal Millions ! 

The Spanish real Two-pence halfpenny ! 

A BLUNDER-BUSS. Kissing the Wrong Girl. 


[FEBRUARY 6, 1869. 


*i 1 \, 


SIRE, my good Brother, you do make, 
Excuse me, an immense mistake 
In doing things by halves a way 
That never yet was found to pay. 

You, in Crimea's war, 'twas thought, 
Fought off when you should on have fought : 
Did scarce with foe relations mend, 
Mistrust whilst you inspired in friend. 

In Italy you went not through 
The work yon undertook to do ; 
Let Prussia your default supply, 
And win from you your sole ally. 

O'er Mexico a Prince you pkce, 
And hold him on his throne a space ; 
But by-and-by your troops recall, 
And let your MAXIMILIAN fall. 

Yet do French soldiers still maintain 
The poor remainder of a reigu ; 
Conserve the Triple Hat cut down, 
With your consent, to Half a Crown. 

This half-and-half work, Sire, my Brother, 
Offends both one side and the other ; 
So now you stand alone, you see, 
Without another friend than me. 

Go the right animal entire 
No longer halve the creature, Sire. 
Your stand the whole hog boldly take on, 
Do that, and then you '11 save your bacon. 



Popular Progress. 

THE following passage in Le Follefs "Fashions for Feb- 
ruary " is significant : 

" The fanchon bonnet is disappearing gradually; the diadem 
gaining favour month by month. 

_., .. .. , This fact evidences the growing sovereipty of the people. 

MY TAILOR HIS CHRISTMAS BILL YET, AND IF HE SHOULD SEE ME HE MIGHT The diadem is getting to be worn by all the world and his 



As a married couple the BARNDOORS were not, I believe, singularly 
happy, though he was as Jolly an Old Cock then as he is now. MRS. 
BARNDOOR was a quiet little woman, who tried to force a sympathy with 
her husband's jollity. She brought him a large fortune, which will, one of 
these days, go to his son (the young Goose), with whom I do not think 
the widower is on the best of terms. Goosey BARNDOOR married the 
dearest little Duck in the world, as poor as a church mouse 'tis true, 
but every one thought that Old BARNDOOR was too Jolly an Old Cock 
not to give them something handsome, and help 'em along. 

The Jolly Old Cock, however, talks of Goosey with the utmost kind- 
ness, regrets his step, pardons him (over the wine), complains of his 
conduct as a son towards him, a kind indulgent father, " who had spent 
enormous sums upon that boy, Sir are you taking Madeira or Port ? 
and that boy, Sir, that young rascal, has repaid me by but there I 
won't bother you with my affairs your health. Now let me ring for 
another bottle of that "20." 

Of course such a good hospitable old Cock as this must have been in 
the right, and his son consequeatly in the wrong. 

Old BARNDOOR'S table groans under a profusion. 

You are expected to take something of everything : you, as an inde- 
pendent guest, needn't- KOCK ROBBINS must so must SPRATT, or 
perish in the attempt. The Jolly Old Cock wants to know, (though I 
am only this instant introduced to him, and have been just invited,) 
whether there is " anything I particularly fancy for dinner ? " Of 
course I leave it to him. 

"And," says he, jovially, "I leave it to the Cook; ha! ha! 

Whereat KOCK ROBBINS, and SPRATT, and I, all laugh : SPRATT in 
convulsions : he overdoes it. 

At table the Jolly Old Cock is full of stories ; and I never heard 
stories obtain such a hearing, or such receptions as these. 

The dependents know them, and can laugh in the right places, with- 
out being off their feed. SPRATT will point out the ioke, or pun, to a 
guest, or will repeat the story in part, with a note of admiration upon it. 

To BARNDOOR'S house come singers, players, artists, and ladies and 
gentlemen, patrons of the arts. Ladies love going to MR. BARNDOOR'S, 
they say. lhave been astonished to see to what extent these Ducks 
and Hens will flatter and smile, and laugh, behind their fans, at a 
slightly naughty story from the Jolly Old Cock, for the sake of gloves, 
or scents, or an opera-box, or fashionable concert tickets, which are 
sure to reward their attempts to fascinate. 

Goosey and the little Duck are, never seen at such parties, and 
no opera boxes, or gifts, go to them. But then we hear from the 
Jolly Old Cock that " his dear boy Goosey is making a lot of money 
at the bar, and getting on capitally;" so, of course, he doesn't 

In fact, everyone says that Goosey has behaved badly, that though 
there are two sides to every question, there is only one to this, and 
that Old BARNDOOR is the Jolliest Old Cock ; while the ladies flatter 
themselves that they can get anything out of him. 

And how disgusted are MRS. WREN, and Miss WREN, and Miss 
COOBIDDY, and several nwre, if any preference is shown by the Jolly 
Old Cock to one pretty little hen in particular say, Miss AUGUSTA 
DORKING. The WRENS and COOBIDDIES would peck her to pieces, if 
they dared, there and then, in the presence of the Jolly Old Cock him- 
si;if, 9nly they know better, and tolerate Miss DORKING as being un- 
certain about the next holder of Old BARNDOOR'S handkerchief. 
Meanwhile, they will peck her to pieces behind her back as they 
drive home to-night. ^ . 

" Upon my word," says MRS. WREN, throwing herself back in the 
double brougham, "it's disgusting to see AUGUSTA DORKING really 
fawning on Ma. BARNDOOR." 

" Did you see what a beautiful watch he gave her on her birthday ?" 
cries Miss WREN, whose Papa has promised her a similar present one 
of these days.' 

FXBHUA.UY G, 1869.] 



"Well," says Mus. Wi:r.\, with asperity, "I hope no daughter of 
mine will ever lawn and grovel as that girl does." 

" Indeed not ! " replugs her daughter, wrapping herself more closely 
up in her opera-cloak, and considering to herself what she can do to 
pill Ai BUffU DiiKKiM, out of the field. 

Old WREN (a direct it of SIR CHIMIOPHEK'S) feigns sleep, 

and wonders to himself how women (including MRS. \\ i 
such confounded humbugs. Then his thoughts return 1o Old BARN- 
DOOR, and he wishes that he could get the Jolly Old Cock to "go i 
into a rather extensive building speculation into which he has recently 
entered. An idea just crosses his mind that his womeiikind might 
somehow manage it for him ; for he has a shrewd suspicion that the 
Old Cock is not to be caught with salt sprinkled by a male hand on his 
jolly old tail. 

Miss SKYLARK, however, and not Miss WREN, is destined to over- 
come hi I'- Mi, for a time. Miss SKYI,\KK has the piano, so 

to speak, at her fingers' ends, and can warble deliciously. 

" Will Miss At GISTA sing? " asks the Jolly Old Cock. 

She will not so sorry not brought any music. 

A difficulty soon provided for. Miss SKYLARK has brought a 
qvanti/ii, and, no doubt, there ia some little piece among her collection 
which Miss l>i IKK ING can sing. 

Miss DORKING inspects the repertoire. There are several pieces she 
knows by heart, but this far .is to herself, and pretends that 

Miss SKYLARK has nothing there with which sin; is acquainted. 

Miss SKYLARK suggests various songs, to which she will \xdeligUed 
to play the accompaniment for AUGUSTA. AUGUSTA, not to be taken 
in. declines with profusion of thanks. Perhaps she calculates, to her- 
self, that Old BARNDOOR will sit with her on the sofa (there is an opera- 
box question trembling in the balance), while Miss SKYLARK performs 
on the piano. 

He does. He sits by her side. He! : consciousness 

of future victory exhibited i eyes. A UGTSTA'S mother 

sits herself down by .\l;ss Sk .nther. Admirable tae 

When Miss SKI i and plays, AUGVSTA'S mother will talk to 

MRS. SKYLARK, and ask questions as to her daughter's musical ac- 
quirements, her studies, her masters. M us. SKI LARK, don't you see, ! 
won't like to say, " Hush, Ma'am! can't you be quiet when my child 
is singing?" Thai wouldn't be polite. But she returns, smilingly, 
the shortest possible answers, and generally tries to substitute a nod 
for a monosyllable. 

Tactics all in vain. La SKYLARK'S voice rising above the chandelier, 
piercing through the cunningjy concealed ventilator, enters the bed- 
room above, where the housemaid catches it and takes it down-stairs with 
her for imitation. Old BARNDOOR hushes AUGUSTA, and will listen . 
to the SKYLARK. When she has finished, the Jolly Old Cock heartily 
congratulates the young lady on her voice, the mother on having sucn I 
a daughter, himself for knowing where to obtain such a pleasure, and ! 
then praises her to AUGUSTA and AUGUSTA'S mother, who, of course, I 
perfectly agree with Mu. BABNDOOR, and would, were it not for the! 
pains and penalties attached, do her to death with hair-pins, or back i 
combs, or suspend her without her chignon, Absolom fashion, from 
the hiirhest branch in Hyde Park. 

Tactics are necessary again. So they join Old BARNDOOR in pressing 
her to sing once more, in pressing her to sing once more after that, 
and ever so many times alter thai. For are not the chances in favour 
of ONE failure ! But MAMMA SKYLARK'S wing is at hand to shelter 
her child. The carriage is at the door. The retreat is an admirably 
contrived triumph. 

" Oh, pray don't come down, MR. BARNDOOR ! " entreats the young 
lady, pressing the arm of the gallant host, who insists upon her taking 
something, and being well wrapped up before he sees her into the 

How sweet, how sympathetic, are the exchanges of " good nights " 
among the ladies ! How full of a secret sub-understanding with a sort of 
.M asonic significance arc the farewell nods and shakes of the husbands ! 

They all know what they're going 1o hear as they drive home, and 
will be prepared to recline, doze, and avoid conversation. 

So La SKYLARK flies home, and next day calls Old BARNDOOR with 
kind inquiries, a box for the theatre, a bouquet, gloves, scents, and an 
invitation to his next dinner-party. 

The other Sultanas nowhere. 

Somehow, the Jolly Old Cock's caprices affect neither JACK SPRATT 
nor his wife, nor the BARNDOOR'S artistic prosper, who, learning the art. 
of singing and playing in public, is domesticated at SPKATT'S, and 
makes one of an apparently very happy family. 

Coming out, of the house, and crossing the road after lighting a 
cigar, 1 stumble on a lady and gentleman, not in evening dress, who 
are regarding the lights in the windows, and remarking upon the 
shadows within. 

" We are just as happy without all these parties," the girl's voice 
is saying softly, and somewhat pleadiugly. The tone of the answer 
is impatient. 

" Hush, GEORQE," returns the first voice sadly, " Remember ke is 
your father." 

" Let him remember it," is the bilter rejoinder. " Let him re- 
member it first. Look at these people confound them! and we who 
should be there by right." 

Here little KOCK KOHBIVS joins me. 

" Wasn't it an excellent dinner, eh ? First-rate," he asks, taking 
my arm with somewhat unnecessary hurry, and bringing me out of the 
gaslight. " Pardon ! " says he. " I want you to come a little way off 
see those two?" He indicates the pair whose voices had forced 
themselves upon me, and then adds in a clear emphatic undertone, 
s DOOR'S ton and hia tci/r-. Fact- -come on ! " 

Is it possible that the bird we call a Jolly Old Cock is not infre- 
quently a selfish, worldly, cruel, wicked old cock, after all ? 
(To be Continued.) 


IIKT news! Hooray! Oh! 
Hooray! Woolwich and 
Dei .t lord Dockyards are to 
be closed. They were very 
expensive and of very little 
use. The order for their 
abolition has gone forth 
from MR. GUILDERS. Well 
done, GUILDERS that 's 
the thing to' do now. Cut 
down all useless establish- 
ments retrench right and 
left. Clip and shear in 
every direction pare all 
round. Try if you can't 
effect some little reduction 
of the national expenditure, 
and take off a correspond- 
ing amount of taxation. 
Well : there ! we shall get 
rid of Woolwich and Dept- 
ford at any rate, and with 
them of between 3000 and 
4000 workpeople, earning 
wages, which we had to 
pay. Good tidings laud- 
able administration ! But if 
those 3000 and more work- 
people suddenly thrown out 

of employment do not, most of them, starve, will they not have to go 
into the workhouse P Very likely. Then the charge of their main- 
tenance will fall upon local unions, and cost the nation n9thing. To 
a deputation of the artificers about to be deprived of their means of 
subsistence, MB. GUILDERS truly replied that the measure which would 
ruin them was adopted solely for the good of the public. Of course ; 
without any consideration for individuals. Perish individuals, so that 
the public save a little money. He held out to them not the slightest 
prospect of relief. To be sure not : and who knows but that a good 
many of them may relieve themselves, and what is of more consequence, 
relieve the ratepayers by suicide ? 

But is not this alternative of suicide or starvation, or else the work- 
house, rather hard lines ? Economy be praised above almost every- 
thing ; but is the public so poor that you must needs turn its humble 
servants adrift all at once without any compensation? Give work 
people compensation ! Nobody gets compensation now but ex- 
Chancellors, and such. Nor wouW ex-Chancellors get it, but that, if 
they didu't we shouldn't get Chancellors. There is not any sentiment 
in the case. No sentiment, now-a-days ! No mercy ! May we never 
have to howl for it ourselves. 

Apologia pro Vestitu Suo. 


WHY do you wear that ancient hat, 

And in those timeworn slops go disrht ? 
The reason is exactly that 

Which tiles a miller's crown with white. 
I, forced to pinch, appearance pare ; 

That thrift affects but outward form : 
And therefore 1 mine old clothes wear 

As long as they will keep me warm. 

Soothing Syrup. 

" AN ESCUTCITBOK 01 PRXTEXCB." A Parvenu's Coat of Arms. 


[FSBRUARY 6, 1869. 





OF all bewildering advertisements, none perplex us more than those 
relating to the Stage and to theatrical engagements. Here, for instance, 
is a specimen : 

WANTED, a WALKING SINGING LADY, stating her lowest 

A lady walking and singing and stating her lowest terms ! What a 
curious combination of simultaneous performances ! What a queer 
jumble a songstress would make of any ballad, if, while singing it, she 
kept on stating what her terms were, and bargaining about them ! 
Into some such stuff as this would a sentimental ballad be reduced by 
such a process : 

I "M leaving thee in sorrow, ANNIE, 

See the tear upon my cheek : 
[Terms ? You '11 find them less than many : 

Only one pound ten per week.] 
When I gaze upon thy photo, 

With grief my brain goes whirling round ; 
[What ? And wear my dresses low, too ? 

No, I could not say a pound !] 

Lo, my eyes again are filling, 

See the dew upon their lids ; 
[One pound five ? Well, yes, I 'm willing, 

If you '11 keep me in white kids.] 
Daily am I growing thinner, 

Nightly for my love I sob : 
[Come then, if you '11 stand a dinner, 

We '11 say five-and-twenty bob !] 

Advice to Youth. 

TAKE aim to live worth money, timely got 
For men, when they die worth it, have it not. 


OUR dear friend PROFESSOR BLACKIB, whom Punch loves, and who 
loves Punch, has been speaking as followeth, the occasion being the 
anniversary of the birth of a Scottish poet of the name of BURNS : ] 

" There was not a greater bore in the whole creation than an untravelled 
Scot he was generally a most bumptious, cantankerous, disagreeable crea- 
ture, and required to go abroad and get rid of half of his Scotticism before he 
could be admitted into good society." 

Then thus again : 

" He would not on any account give a dinner-party on a Sunday, but it 
seemed odd that people should not be allowed to play the piano on Sunday in 
Scotland, or that a minister should be considered wrong jn going to the kirk 
on Sunday with a rose in his coat button-hole. That, he believed, waaa 
piece of gross and degrading superstition, which all Scotchmen would unlc;^ 
as soon as they travelled abroad from the narrow triangle within which they 
were born. Another remarkable characteristic of the untravelled Scot was 
his immense self-conceit his high estimate of his own learning. But when 
such a person went three months to Berlin, or some such place, he found his 
notions curtailed he began to feel that he knew almost nothing." 

The Professor, being a Scot, knoweth, and moreover, being a Scot, 
may speak impune. Such is not Mr. Punch's experience of Scotsmen, 
whose weakness is that, thanks to the facilities afforded in Scotland 
for learning things, they know a deal too much to enjoy healthy non- 
sense, that sovereign remedy for many evils. They don't (habitually) 
admire the Unfitness of Thinss, and he who doth not this is an incom- 
plete party. For the rest Mr. Puwh can but express, in Northern 
Scotch, his surprise at the Professor's boldness, and hath done so at 
the top of this paragraph. I say ! He would add, " Come, you know," 
only his Gaelic youug man is gone out. 

A Good Reasoner. 

A TEETOTALLER'S arguments are pretty sure to be sound, for he is 
certain to make use of nothing which will not hold water. 

Printed by Joeph Hrmth, of No. 24, Hplford Sqnar*>.lTi the Parish of St .Tnmes Clfrfc'-riu-H' in the County of MidillesrT. at tne Pnntitis Offices of Messrs. Hradbury, Evans, & Co.. Lombard 
Street. In the Precinct of SVIutefriant, in tlie city of Ixmilon , ami Published by hi:n at No. M5, FU-ct Street, in the Parish of St. liride.City of London. SATURDAT, February C, 1WJ9. 

FKURUARY 13, 1869.] 



Uearly Old Gentleman (to dyspeptic Friend). "DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU?! 




WHAT a pleasant thing it must be, for a man of moderate means, to be so lucky 
as to fall over head and ears in love in the charming city of Paris ! at least, sup- 
posing he be forced to marry in that capital, and furnish for his wedding-day some 
trifle Uke the following : 

" A very interesting bride has entered married life in white satin and Alen^on, for 
which latter trimming (a flounce) the turn of 50,000 francs was paid by her happy husband." 

An agreeable rule of three snm is suggested by this anecdote. If the flounce 
of a girl's wedding-dress costs fifty thousand francs, how much is it likely that 
the rest of it will cost? A bride who spends two thousand pounds upon the 
trimming of her flounce, would probably require a fifty pound bouquet and a 
hundred guinea handkerchief. The other items in her toilette would be costly in 
proportion, and not the Koh-i-Noor itself would satisfy her wants in the matter 
of her jewellery. Judging from the lace expended on her wedding-dress, it is diffi- 
cult to guess wnat amount of yearly income would be needful for her pin-money ; 
but when one thinks of bonnets, gloves, shawls, parasols, and shoes, and other 
little trifles, one would fancy that a husband had need to be a Crosus to support 
a wife in Paris. 

To unsophisticated folks it may seem well-nigh preposterous to talk of such a 
thing as a hundred guinea handkerchief; but there is little doubt such articles 
may be procured in Paris, or we should hardly find recorded there an incident like 

" Another bride has had her pocket-handkerchiefs exhibited in a large store of the Hue 
de la Paix. They amount to the small item of 80,000 francs." 

Mademoiselle fiepensiere." What a 
What a sight for a father ! and for a 

" Grande Exposition dts Moufhoirs de 
pretty notice to put in a Paris newspaper ! 

fiance! Why, a girl must be afflicted with chronic influenza, to require upon her 
marriage eighty thousand francs' worth of bridal pocket-handkerchiefs ! Even if 
they cost her but a ten-pound note a-piece, she would for eighty thousand francs 
obtain some sk-and- twenty dozens of them. Whatever be the uses to which they may 

be put, clearly hundred guinea handkerchiefs are not things 
to be sneezed at. But imagine the expense of a bride's 
entire trouueau, if above three thousand pounds be ex- 
pended on her handkerchiefs ! How many new bonnets 
would be needful for her honeymoon, and what would be 
her wants and wishes in the way of pearls and diamonds ? 
Well, Punch thanks goodness he is married, and so be 
runs no risk now of having to fork out for a trouueau 
a la Paritienne. In the judgment of Putuk, no such 
foolish luxury ever can be needful to make a happy bride, 
however much it may be deemed so in the Judgment 
of 1'nris. 


(Ai Connected by a Clodhopper.) 


Have rooun spread around ! 
But counsel and attorneys 

Thereby has bisnus found. 
The pardners stands committed 

Their trial for to abide ; 
Them fellers wun't be pitied 

Whats'ever nied betide. 

But '(ain't sitch dceperydatora 

Alwoan as is to buune, 
The tribe o' speculators 

Is all a' most the same. 
Wus they to goo revealnn' 

All their accounts, you 'd find 
Best part on *un was sailun' 

Owdacious nigh the wind. 

Your shareholders, as trustys 

Them harum-scarum Dooa, 
And, when the bubble busies, 

Their little all do lose, 
Could they but make assessments 

Theirsefves to blame they "d zee : 
Wants more for their investments 

Nor safe consarns can gie. 

I tell 'ee what 'tis, neighbour, 

Folks now lives all too high 
Above their means that labour 

Or fortune, can supply. 
Plain livun' and high th'inknn', 

As some un said, 's no moor ; 
But atun', dress, and drinkun", 

And style unknown afoor. 

They tries to gain as much as 

They needs, with all their might ; 
Wi' their left hands they clutches, 

And squanders wi' their right. 
Their property they chances. 

In pomp and state to dwell : 
And them rogues as finances 

Risks other folks' as well. 

I knows that I hain't clever ; 

But my plan is to run 
No hazard whatsomedever 

I possible can shun, 
And try to bide contented ; 

Misfartuns there must be : 
But most 'ood be perwented 

If you 'd all live Uke me. 

Surprising Zeal. 

THERE has lately been a struggle between the two great 
ecclesiastical parties as to who should fill vacancies in the 
Standing Committee of one of the leading Church Socie- 
ties. Is it not astonishing that there should be any con- 
tention for a situation which must necessarily be of a very 
fatiguing nature ? 


IT is announced that Land and Water is 'permanently 
enlarged. It turns out to be our good friend, MJL BUCK- 
LASD and Water who is permanently enlarged. 




[FEBRUARY 13, 1869. 

were, not only many and virtuous, but, besides, many learned, many 
noble, and many rich. But his treacherous contributor knew well 
what importance the common British mind attaches to nobility and 
riches, as well as to learning. He knew how likely it was to be 
alarmed by the announcement that the wealth and intelligence of the 
country were going over to Rome. He also knew that, as to learning, 
it would never consider what was really the case, and ask itself what 
learning had gone thither but that of mere scholars : how many men 
accustomed to sift evidence and investigate truth : how many natural 
philosophers : how many lawyers : whether any such fish had come to 
the Fisherman's net as a PROFESSOR OWEN, or TYNDALL, or HUXLEY, 
' or a LORD CAIRNS. 

Finally, the Unita Catlolica asserts that the principal object of the 
ARCHBISHOP OF WESTMINSTER'S visit to Rome this winter is to execute 
1 a mission intrusted to him by MR. GLADSTONE; namely, to prepare the 
way for a re-establishment of official diplomatic relations between the 
British and Pontifical Governments. Now, if this assertion had been 
found in the Record or the Rock, everybody would know what to think 
of it. We should all say it was a weak invention of MURPHY or 
WHAI,LEY. The Unita Caltoltcu, doubtless, publishes it in good faith, 
but has evidently been hoaxed. You must see that the thing is an 
insidious canard, devised for a base purpose by Protestant bigotry. It 
is too bad, Sir, it is unworthy of Britons, it is mean, it is low, 
to practise this kind of humbug on the simplicity of unsuspecting 
Italian Ultramontanes. But the ridicule of educated Englishmen will 
defeat the endeavour to create an absurd impression amongst the 
vulgar that, in this land of liberty, this land of enlightenment, this 
land of political and intellectual progress, Popery is gaining ground. 

But even if it were, what would that be to you, and GALLIC ? 

P.S. I shall now smoke a cigar. 






HAVE you heard of, or do you suspect, the existence of any 
Secret Society, in connection with Exeter Hall, which is employing 
agents to get fictitious paragraphs and passages inserted in Continental 
papers, to the end that, being translated, they may excite and awaken 
British fanaticism P 

For instance, Le Sport, in its sporting news, too, contains the follow- 
ing announcement : 

" During the last year there were two thousand conversions to the Roman 
Catholic faith iu England." 

Hereupon a contemporary remarks, " Two to one there will be more 
this year taken." It is all very well to make a joke of obvious fudge. 
But are there not stolid Protestants by whom Le Sport, in publishing 
the above- quoted statement, will be taken in earnest, as of course it 
was meant to be by the parties who smuggled that statement into it 
under the pretence of fun ? I don't say that they are connected 
with Exeter Hall but I suspect it. Sir. 

Then we have the Osserratore Romano, expatiating in a leader on 
" Joyful events in the history of England ! " namely, on the conver- 
sion to Popery of the MARQUIS OF BUTE, and the spread of Ritualism. 
Protestantism has its Jesuits, and did not one of them write this 
article, in the assumed character of perhaps a genuine disciple of 
LOYOLA ? Judge you from its conclusion : 

" The joyful events, then, which have been, are being, and will be fulfilled 
in England are the conversion of the Anglicans, and the return of that Island 
of Saints, as it was formerly called, to the Catholic religion. Meanwhile we 
have a gauge of this happy future in the frequent conversions of so many 
virtuous, learned, noble, and rich persons, not the least of which is the joyful 
event of the conversion of the young MAntjuis OF BUTE, which excites such a 
noise now, and agitates so profoundly all the English." 

Nobody with eyes in his head can fail to see the drift of all this. It 
is very cleverly calculated to frighten the British Public with the idea 


(From our Exclusive Correspondent. News warranted not to be 
in any other Paper) 

THE POPE is very well. He has had several games of billiards lately 

I record somejeux de mots made by His Holiness and His Eminence 
on the estimable young Convert's name. The Marquis made nine at 
one stroke. 

" You play," exclaimed ANTONELLI, in his best English, " BUTE- 
ifully ! " 

The CARDINAL, at pool, held the POPE twice in the middle pocket. 
His Holiness had only one life left ; this the Marquis took. 

" Et Tu BUTE ! " cried his Holiness, in a tone of mock reproach, 
" then I give up the game." On second thoughts he starred two, and 

' Italy is like you, Marquis," said ANTONELLI, at supper. 

" Why ? " asked the generous youug nobleman, determined to give 
his jocund Eminence a chance. 

" Because," returned the Cardinal, " It is a Boot, and so are you." 

This answer threw a gloom over the party, which soon after broke 
up. The Marquis has gone to Egypt, where he and MONSIGNORE CAPEL 
(whose name some clever English papers have given as " BISHOP 
KEPPEL" so well-informed are these Correspondeuts, forsooth !) will 
probably join H.R.H. the DUKE OF SUTHERLAND and EAIIL RUSSELL 
of the Times and Chelsea (in posse), with whom no doubt they will go 

Up and down the River Nile, 

In and out the Desert, 
That 's the way the money goes 

And " pop goes the weasel " is the proper or popper finish, but it 
won't come in. 

There is a Reaction in Rome, but which way it goes, I dou't know. 
There are Reactions all over the place ; it 's very puzzling. It only 
wants two equal Reactions to be going on at the same time for Italy 
to be perfectly quiet. Isn't that the doctrine of Mechanical forces ? 
Rather. And as the Italians say, in one of their best proverbs, " Mio." 
But I will send it you in full on hearing from you that you will under- 
stand it in the original, as it will not bear either translation or the 
sea- voyage. 

You telegraphed to inquire after my health ; thank vou ; and to say, 
generally, "How d'ye do?" Thank you again. I "do" at Rome as 
they do at Rome, and am ever your faithful Correspondent. 


THE most ludicrously inconsistent, thing Punch has heard of for a 
good while was the attempt of the Ritualists to get into the Committee 

that we are rapidly drifting into Popery. The Editor of the Unita of the Society for the Promotion of Christian Knowledge. What on 
Cattolira was taken in. Some people cannot reflect. He did not see ' earth have they to do with Christian Knowledge? The more they keep 
that any controvertist who knew what he was talking of would know out of its way the better for them. We shall hear next of blackbeetles 
better than to boast of conversions on the ground that the converts ' insisting upon getting into scalding water. 

FEBRUARY 13, 1869.] 




S you may choose something odd, someth ing 
out of the common way, for a beginn ng, 
instead of enlarging at length on the n 
rious fact that the days are growing longer, 
ask everybody who is conversible, inc lud- 
ing LORD CLARENDON, if you can get! hold of 
him, whether they saw the advertisement in 
\vhichaLecturer on "Women Doctors" an- 
nounced that he, would " exhibit a t'orci gn body 
six inches down his own throat," and what 
t hey thought of it. Or read aloud, w ith a proper 
attention to elocution and stops, the following 
tempting invitation : 

old literary gentleman invites some lady, about 
40, to assist him in doing without servants, excejit- 
inf; the bent pc'iiiTul servant the highest 

' in i.ii!. mi anil the kindest treatment can 
secure. The lady must undertake mfrlmt, soups, 
she must be too strong to feel the 
slightest fatigue, all the work of the house will 
In in linly directed by her own taste to her own com- 
fort. Company (at luneheon only) once a month. Large bed-room, private 
sitting-room, laundry free. The gentleman and lady dining together at 
7 o'clock. References of mercantile exactness required. Address A. B., Sec., 
stating age, and very full particulars of antecedent position, &c. 

If you think it safer to stick to the ordinary necessaries of conversa- 
tion, the weather will be all the fresher if you plunge at once into the 
Gulf Stream, by which it is supposed to be unduly influenced and inti- 
midated ; and you will derive much quiet amusement, if, taking the 
precaution first to read up all about this notorious old offender in the 
usual standard works of reference, you probe your victims' knowledge 
on the subject, and ask, just for information, what the Gulf Stream is. 
where the Gulf Stream is (venture as far as latitude and longitude), ana 
how it comes to pass that the Gulf Stream should have the power of 
interferingwith the temperature and the consumption of coals in Bel- 
gravia or Blooinsbury. You, who have carefully prepared yourself for 
examination, will be shocked at the ignorance of Society about this 
one of the great Meteorological Powers, the wicked partner, as it may 
be called, of the weather. 

Do not lorgct what the fourteenth of this month is. Just as 
pec-pie want to know the connection of goose with Michaelmas, or, 
at Christmas, cannot rest until they are told the meaning of mince-pies 
and the origin of kissing under the mistletoe, so now you will find that 
they seek information about BISHOP VALENTINE and his family con- 
nections and ecclesiastical preferment, and the way in which he, a 
great dignitary of the Church, came to be mixed up with fancy 
stationery, and the postman, and Hymen, and Cupid, and affec- 
tionate couples and couplets. Always be prepared for these emer- 
gencies, (io to your Notes and Queries, or your llone, or your 
Chambers, or the recesses of your own imagination, and have ready for 
immediate use at the dinner-table or on the drawing-room ottoman, 
just the sort of neat little obituary notice the papers would have put 
in, if S. Valentine had lived and died in this country and century. A 
few Post-office statistics as to the yearly increasing number of Valen- 
tines would not be amiss, with a calculation that if all those distributed 
in the year 1SGS could have been heaped one upon the other, they 
would have exceeded iii height the Monument piled upon the Great 
Pyramid, with the Duke of York's Column thrown in. If you can add 
a romantic little story of a youthful painter who had for more than six 
weeks worshipped in secret a beautiful girl, with chestnut hair threaded 
with gold, living with an aged aunt in the second floor front opposite 
his studio, and at last made known his passion by a lovely Valentine, 
his own design, in the flamboyant style, and was married to her after 
some opposition on the part of her friends, and became prosperous, and 
a Royal Academician and had his will quoted in the Illustrated 
landon News, you will not regret the result of your efforts to please. 

Other topics suggest themselves, such as the enthronement of the 
ABCHBISHOP OP CANTERBURY, the Hull convent case, pricking Sheriffs 
and (can it be true ?) flogging girls ; but the one which you will pro- 
bably find most in vogue is the LORD CHAMBERLAIN'S Circular to the 
Managers of the Theatres, and his laudable attempt at petticoat govern- 
ment. Talk to MRS. DE COLTY on this subject. You will have no more 
gloomy forebodings about the decay and decline of Old England, you 
will forget your apprehensions that we are going the way of Ancient 
Rome, and Assyria, and Babylon, and all those other wicked kingdoms, 
when you hear how warmly, how properly, she expresses herself con- 
cerning the shockingly indelicate dresses worn by ladies on the stage. 
But say everywhere and to everybody that " a thorough good hissing," 
as one of the papers sensibly recommends, would be the most cil'ectual 
way of abating the shame. 

THE CANINE FANCY. Too often the calf of one's leg. 


THE PASHA or EGYPT seems to be knitting himself by all his three 
tails at once to the I'r'rUt mignoiu of ti lie has granted a 

concession to the administration of one '; rli 


voted too hot for Uomburg and Wiesbaden, to set the ball rolling and 

spread the board of green cloth at Cairo. He has engaged Grande 

Ihii-hrsM-. SciiMiniKii, and a Parisian cortu d ballet; has set his 

sign Office clerks translating into Arabic the liveliest librettos of 

H and the spiciest of the Palais Royal vaudevilles, and has 

i the ladies of his harem private boxes to look on at their perform- 

lancc: ! 

Tin' man who has done this deserves to be called a Fic<--roy in the 
richest sense of the word. 

The purveyors of operaJamffe. balkt, rouHle, and rouffe-tl-notr, at 
least, will be able to disprove the old proverb, " *x NUo nil fit" and 
prove that a good deal is to be made out of 

Who says Egypt is not advancing, and le of civilisation is 

not even now beginning to flow into her bosom from France, 
Said, through the Suez Canal;' 


mouth of chill and change, 
inllow hearted, mine no more ; 
I'was pitiful, 'twas strange, 'twas passing strange, 
UMMwders and the mixture as before 

v\ in the moated grange, 
That 's how the water comes down at Lodorc, 
So drop the Shop and heaven will bless your Store. 

A Call to Conversion. 

\Vi: hear a great, deal about conversions each as that of the MARQUIS 
OP BUTE, and in the meantime onr Volunteers are armed with uncon- 
verted En (it-Id rifles. If we were invaded by troops fighting with 
breechloaders, what would become of oar national defenders? MB. 
OuimvKLL, pray have the Enfields instantly converted to Sniders. 
Let not conversion be delayed until it is enforced by the wonders 
wrought on our Volunteers by the Chassepot rifle. 

now SIMPLE. 

SPAIN has been for months trying to find a King. This shows the 
unpractical character of the nation. The instant the Spaniards search 
in the right place, the King's name is discovered. They have found it 
in the Directory. 

Literary Anecdote. 

" How came you to insert that story P " said .^beipiritiut X .... 

to the sparkling Z (editor of the brilliant *****.) " You couldn't 

believe it." My dear fellow," said 'L . . . . " don't confuse matters. 
Editing 's one thing, and Crediting 's another." " Ah ! " said X 


THOSE who think the LORD CHAMBERLAIN'S Circular about the 
dresses worn by actresses and dancers does not go far enough, should 
remember that he could hardly be expected to do more than skirt the 

From an Excited Goldflnder. 

A VAGABOND stole some gold from a digger on the DCKE OP SUTHER- 
LAND'S fields. What was his punishment? I don't know, but he 
ought to have been condemned at the Old Bailey, and then sent to 
Nugget. (Is Newgate meant ? Yes.) 


" A CIVIL Service Clerk a Fortnight Old " is assured that the Con- 
j troller of the Stationery office signed his real name to the circular 
about the quill pens, and did not assume a nom deplume. 

An Evident Oversight. 

A POOR fellow brought up a week or so back at Marlborough Street 
Police Court, told the Magistrate he had been " often murdered." It 
is strange that the astuu- Mi;. Kxos should not have thought of 
asking him if he was a Dramatic Author. 

CRIMINAL QUERY. Can a prisoner who commits himself, also form 
his own conviction : 



[FEBRUARY 13, 1869. 




Am " J won't be a Nun." 

THOUGH a soarin' ambition it mayn't appear to be 

To sweep floors and empty dust-bins for a lady born like me ; 

Yet, if such work must be done, 

I '11 do 't, to be a nun, 
Yes though kicked, cuffed, trod, and spit upon I will be a nuu. 

I 'm sure I cannot tell what 's the mischief I have done, 
That dear reverend mother says I 'm not fit to be a nun 

But I will be a nun, 

Yes, I will be a nun, 
Though she whip me, starve and strip me, yet I will be a nuu. 

Though I 'm kept for hours en deshabille at reverend mother's door, 
Made to sleep on the bare boards, and to sit on the bare floor, 

Yet I will be a nun ! 

Yes, I will be a nun ! 
Though 'mong sisters of no mercy, I will be a nun ! 

I '11 stand until I drop, I '11 eat mutton 'gainst the grain, 
Wear a duster on ray head, scrub my hands to chap and blain, 

But I will be a nun, 

Yes, I will be a nun, 
And the more that they don't want me, the more I "11 be a nun. 

So take care, dear reverend mother, and let your daughter be, 
For I mean to bring my action for assault and batterie ; 

Though I want to be a nun, 

Yes, and mean to be a nun, 
If they give me swingeing damages, my STAB, won't you be done ! 

NAUTICAL NOTE. A muddled mariner writes to ask Punch, if the 
introduction of the French Pitch will in any way damage the. British 


WE know not which feeling should dominate, in regard to the 
appointment of COLONEL HENDERSON, C.B., as the new Chief of the 
Police. Suppose we mix our sensations, and on the one hand con- 
gratulate that gentleman on having a name out of which no joke can 
be made, while on the other we condole with the smart writers who 
have been so unconstitutionally done out of their legitimate perquisites. 
AlATNE'was a rich harvest for the wits. Had HUGHES been the new 
name, the police would have got hughesd to him. Had it been KNOX, 
police-knocks would have been suggested to the dullest. SHAW, too, 
would have been pshaw, you see. But HENDERSON is hopeless. 
Rhymes, of course, can be done, e. g. on the Sabbath closing question 

" For beer she wished to send her son : 
The inn was shut by HENDERSON ;" 

and so forth ; but a complex rhyme demands a cleverness not usually 
accorded to the smart. We do not think, on the whole, that Govern- 
ment has used the wits well ; but if COLONEL HENDEESON makes a 
good Chief, bags thieves and bangs ruffians, we must try to look over 
the short-coming. 

Antique Epigram. 

HE lied, which s d , the other day, 
Y* Eddystone was swept away. 
He lies, however sad h" tone, 
Who says he '11 sweep y" Gladdystone. 
Both beacons, w h y= billows mock, 
Because both founded on y e rock. 


" You ought always to take me out with you, my dear," said a wife. 
" You know they say that Happiness was born a Twin." " Yes, love ; 
but not a Siamese twin," said the Brute. 

ROUND NUMBERS. The "Globe" Audiences. 




Da. GLADSTONE. " OH, NO ! " 


FEBRUARY 13, 1869.] 





HOlIIilNS I'll KS 



quarter, then ROBBINS is as festive as he can be all by himself, on tea, 
buttered toast, marmalade, and an uncertain egg. 

His patrons had failed him on thin Christmas Day, and hence it 

APTKR FOURTH.-THK STORY OF THE JOLLY <>I,D c( K (uojrnKuiD). hanpenc d that he was passing slowly very slowly, in front of the 
IIIK I;ODSI: lus AX INTERVIEW WITH THE OLD BARNDOOR KOCK Jolly Old Cock s house, where, he felt there was still a last chance of 
i MAS CRUMBS AS OWL ACTS PROKE8- an invitation. 

So the ill wintry wind which blew sharply on GOOSEY s face patted 
ROBBINS on the back, at the same time and on the same doorstep. 

The Jolly Old Cock beckoned him in, as GOOSEY slowly pat on his 
IT seems that as I understand from little KOCKY ROHBINS, GOOSEY COR t and hat in the hall. 

chose to run counter to Old BAHNDOOR'S wishes in every particular. " ^ Merry Christmas! " said KOCKY, blithely, to the poor Goose. 
GOOSEY came of a wilful stock : he seems to have tried to please his Th e Goose thanked him, and returned the compliment, as of no use 
father, but all to no purpose. The Jolly Old Cock brought up GOOSEY ; n kit keeping. 

expensively, with a view to position, and making a connection. He " YOU 'U just make np our number," exclaimed Old BARHDOOR, 
sent him to the University with the same idea. So far so good, and shaking ROBBINS' hand heartily, and drawing him into the drawing- 

i went on the usual road. He proved himself not more of a room. 

Goose than nine out of ten of his ceaualet; he came out of the first Then GOOSEY knew that he was not expected, and passed out by the 
examination an unpluckcd Goose, and being subsequently crammed and door which the servant was holding open for him. 
fattened up for the Christmas examination for B. A. degree, he came old BARSDOOR gave a magnificent dinner that night. Everyone 
out of that well placed in the penultimate class, and had the privilege politely asked after GOOSEY as their host's son, and everyone was per- 
of putting his head between the Vice Chancellors legs in order to be fectly satisfied with any answer. It was the Jolly Old Cock they'd 
told, in Latin, softly whispered in his ear by way of a secret, which gome to see, and ku dinner they were going to eat, and they wished 
he wasn't to tell anyone, that he was nothing more or less than a him and themselves many such another happy Christmas in the same 
Baccalaureus Artium entitled to a hood, a pair of bands, two Brings place, and really meant it. And if there had been, which there wasn't, 

to his gown, and to pay about forty pounds for these enviable dis- any gort O f doubt as to BARNDOOR'S right and title to being par excellence 
Unctions. a Jolly Old Cock, it would have been set at rest for ever on that jovial 

The Jolly Old Cock knew that a degree was the period put to the Christmas night. 

necessity for an undergraduate's residence at the University, and, To DAWSON DORMOUSE and others who. whatever opinions they 
having been himself iu business from the age of fifteen, he suddenly held as to the conduct of Old BARNDOOR, freer/ told his son that he 
announced to GOOSEY that he had obtained for him a situation in a had bear.ved like an impolitic Goose Goosir explained his father's 
Banking House. GOOSEY did not realise the situation until he had motives ; but not until two years afterwards, whem tkev had been ex- 
fairly entered upon his duties, and then, after taking counsel with some plained to him by MR. OWL, the solicitor, to whom it fell to draw up 
friends especially with DAWSON DORMOUSE, an old College chum, he a deed, by which, for a certain annual consideration, GOOSEY made over 
naturally set their advice on one side, and followed his own course. to Old BARNDOOR all chums upon such property as would of right be 

Now his own course was diametrically opposed to the Jolly Old his at the Jolly Old Cock's decease. 

Cock's plan. T\gnte'gte, who lodged at SPRATT'S, had not a little to do with 

;. GOOSEY showed his father how unfitted he naturally was for business, the JoDy Old Cock's conduct in this matter. 

and how this uufitness had become positive incapacity under the train- old BARNDOOR found his son a nuisance, a cheek upon his pleasures, 
ing which Old BARNDOOR had himself given him. Now of all days in an expense when he had looked forward to his being no burden upon 
the year GOOSEY chose Christmas day, after Church time, as being best him at all. 

suited for his explanation. One reason for this was, that it was a holi- 1 " jj u t he can afford it ? " I asked DORMOUSE. 
day in the City, and another had something to do with the kindly tone j Qf course he can, and plenty over " returned DORMOUSE, slowly, 
and charitable feeling which was, as it were, brought in by the recur- 1 And the DORMOUSE bestowed a vanety of epithets, at intervals, as is 
rence of the Christian festival But as you have seen, GOOSEY teas a his way, upon Old BARN DOOR, among which not the least strong were 
Goose. So, when BARNDOOR heard his son's mild explanation, he grew miserly, cunning, selfish, wicked, cruel, debauched old scoundrel 
redder than ever about the gills, and sw9re that if his son didn t do g u t this, after all, is only the opinion of DORMOUSE, and perhaps one 
what he wished, he would not give him a sixpence. This he confirmed or t wo others who are partial to GOOSEY ; but if you ask SPRATT, or 
with an oath : in fact, being highly choleric and explosive, he sent him- KOCKY ROBBDJS, or the WRENS, or the SKYLARKS, or, in fact, any one 
self to perdition, conditionally, more than once during the interview, i w ho knows BARNDOOR, his house, and dinners, they '11 all be unanimous 

GOOSEY said he had tried and failed. It was hard for him at his age, ; n declaring that " he is, without exception, the Jolliest Old Cock 
and after his education, to be doing a mere office-drudge's work. possible." 

Old BARNDOOK, glowing before the fireplace, exclaimed, " Why, con- Being thrown upon the world the Goose found two friends in 
found it 1 was put at it when I was only fifteen. Yes, I had to work DAWSON DORMOUSE and TOM PORCUPIHE, who had lodgings together, 
for my daily bread " this phrase was thrown in as a sort of pious an d we re delighted to offer their spare room to the Goose. 
quotation suited to a father and deuced glad I was to get it, 1 can DAWSOS DORMOUSE was at College with GOOSEY, and is, nominally, 
tell you. rowrwork! /was there from half-past eight till six, and very nominally, at the bar. TOM PORCUPINE is (i.e. at the time of GOOSEY> 
Old GRANNIT would have turned any one out who was a minute late, i expulsion : keeping myself in the present tense as accompanying 

" But you were only fifteen, you say," commences GOOSEY, about to GOOSEY in his career) three or four years older than his two friends. 

show that np parallel exists. 
" Well, Sir, and you 're twenty-t 

He is in the precarious position of a sort of extra-clerk in a Govcrn- 

renty-two, Old BARNDOOR retorts, sharply. mcnt om - cej put on f or a spe cial occasion when there i work to be 

" What of that P You ve had a blanked fine education, which you done, and has " something to do with the papers," and something less 
seem to forget you owe to me to your father." 
" No, I don't forget that," says GOOSEY, " but " 

(To be Continued.) 

to do, but equally mysterious, with a Publisher in the East End. 
..,, Two fellows more dissimilar, apparently, than the Dormouse and 

" But, but, but but WHAT ! " shouts his Jolly Old Cock of a the Porcupine, never chose to lodge in the same hole together. 
father, and before GOOSEY can continue his answer, Old BARNDOOR has 
taken it, up for him, sneeringly, 

" But You are too proud ; hut You can't sit in an office ; but Ton 
can't go the rounds on account day to the other houses ; but Ton can't 
associate with clerks, because your father has made a gentleman of you ; 
more fool he to waste his money on such an ungrateful vagabond.' 

At this point, after a little quiet swearing to himself, during which 
GOOSEY was wishing he could adduce some new and telling argument 
on his own side to justify the facts which he admitted, the Jolly OM 
Cock thrust both his hands into his pockets, turned on his heel abruptly, 
walked to the window, and looking out into the street, it was winter 
time, and looked very starved and cold, said, scowling, " There ! I 've 
had enough of this. If you change your mind, well and good ; if not 
don't come here again. Ah, how d' ye do ? How are you ? " This salu- 
tation was given in the pleasantest tone possible to KOCK ROBBINS, 
who happened to pass at that moment. 

KOCKY KOBRINS, not being; allowed by his profession of dinner- Canons! 
eating to be a family man, depends upon his patrons for his Christmas 
pudding. If his patrons fail him, he has to jolliticate by himself :it 
his Club, if he is in funds, or in his own room on the landlady's beef 
and pudding, which come up for him warmed after their first appearance WHY is a man who lives in Russia certain not to be the same man 
at the one o'clock dinner. Should there be no crumbs from even this who lives in South America ? Why, because he's a-northfr person. 

By a Ritualist Lunatic. 

THE Men of the Moon, 

To a Hanwell t- 
Marched up to the " Christian Knowledge ; ' 

But the Church's mouth 

Said, " Your way is South, 
Be off to the Sacred College ! " 


" THIRTEEN Canons of the Cathedral of Burpos have been arrested 
for complicity in the assassination of the Civil Governor." 
Will they be let off? 




[FEBRUARY 13, 1869. 




WE entirely hold with the late" KING EDWARD THE 
SECOND, that when men close for serious fighting, it is not 
a time for courtesies. 

" In battle day," the King replied, 
t( Nice tourney rules are set aside." 

But is there any particular fight between the Horning 
Star and the English Ambassador in Spain, that can quite 
justify the Correspondent of the former in this severe pitch 
into the latter ? 

" I believe the salary is 6000 a-year. Let the English who 
come to this city, answer what help or courtesy they receive at 
the hands of the Ambassador. As it is, one must go generally 
twice, sometimes thrice, before one can even deliver one's cre- 
dentials to the deputy, the principal being seldom visible, o* 
visible only for a few moments. The only place where one is 
certain to find him is at the Museum, copying, with more or 
less success, one of the many masterpieces to be found in that 
magnificent collection. The new Ministry might do a far worse 
thing in diplomacy than recal SIR JOHN CRAMPTON." 

Really, this seems a harsh punishment to begin with. 
Even Sam Weller^is& for a much milder initiatory hint to 
the Shepherd, and would not in the first instance put him 
into the water-butt and shut the lid down. It LORD 
CLARENDON were to write a strong letter to SIR. JOHN. 
intimating that he must sometimes forget MURILLO and 
attend to travelling cockneys, the remonstrance might have 
its effect, as Mr. Punch has always heard that the Ambas- 
sador is a gentleman. Besides, the best thing that _ an 
Ambassador can do, is to do as little as possible ; this is a 
doctrine which we are sure that the Star will approve. At 
all events we cannot approve the Spartan sternness which 
proceeds to execution without giving the alleged offender 
a chance of self-justification or of reformation. The Star 
Correspondent may be justly vexed with the Spaniards for 
having returned a Monarchical 1'arliament instead of a 
Cortes of Republicans, but he should not vent all his ill- 
temper on SIR JOHN CRAMPTON, or interpolate, in a com- 
plaint, the feminine spitefulness of hinting that he is not 
a good painter. The Star is usually so honourably dis- 
tinguished by its avoidance of vulgarity that we have the 
utmost pleasure in at length being able to hit a blot. 


ANYTHING for a Fight. Hooray! The Irish Protestant Defence- 
Association is up and roaring like a young lion. An " enormous " 
meeting has been held at the Rotunda, and MR. GLADSTONE caught it 
in a way that would make his friends very uncomfortable, if they did 
not know that he had been already likened to everything from Anti- 
christ down to BEALES, both included. Quotations of the most terrific 
character were hurled at him, one speaker not very luckily likening 
him to Achilles raging to slay Hector (Hector being, pro hdc vice, 
the Irish Church) but PEELIDES can bear that. Another orator en- 
couraged the Defenders of the Faith Church we mean with the 
following touching sentiments : 
" Although we have 

' A struggling warfare, lingering long, 
Thro' weary day and weary year 
A wild and many-weaponed throng 

Hangs on our front and Bank and rear." J 

I would remind you that ARTHUR WELLESLEY, driven back behind the lines 
of Torres Vedra, yet lived to see his victorious arms within the battlements of 
Saint Sebastian, and his brave troops marching upon Paris. We must be 
filled with such a determination ; we must be inspired with a like courage. 
Yes, my friends, when I look at and consider our high and noble cause, I 
would say 

' Ne'er heed the shaft too surely cast, 

The foul and hissing bolt of scorn, 
For, with our side shall dwell at last, 

The victory of endurance bom ' (applause).'' 

Applause ! We should think so. At the risk of tautology, we must 
again remark Hooray! The wild and many-weaponed throng, by 
which is meant the Liberal majority, also likened to BONAPARTE'S 
Frenchmen, must shake in their Wellingtons and Bluchers. But one 
remarkable lapse was made. MR. VERNER, M.P., to whom we are 
indebted for the above splendid outburst, was shamefully abandoned, 
at one moment, by his guardian angel, and was allowed to say : 

" We have our BEADY a most valuable but scarcely reliable institution, 
given to us by MR. GLADSTONE, AS HE ONCE GAVE us PEPPER." 

Well, we do not care to be prophetic, but if the Defenders go on in 
this way it is just on the cards that MR. GLADSTONE may again favour 
them with that pungent present. Without unduly intruding on 
domestic privacy, we may say that we happen to know that MB, 
GLADSTONE'S pepper-caster is by no means empty. Things have been 
very dull this winter, but " the wild night-huntsman hath gone by," 
and we shall have a row. Finally, and for the third time. Hooray ! 


AFTER all, we shall be able to bear up should there be no Derby this 
year. Racing is becoming more comprehensive, as is proved by the 
report of a velocipede race for twenty pounds. The horses of those 
who accompanied the competitors could not keep up with them. This 
will probably inaugurate a new era in racing, and we shall shortly hear 
of the Grand Wheelbarrow Stakes, the Perambulator Cup, and the 
Iron-Hoop Handicap. Why not? It will improve the muscles, and 
benefit the human race in a double sense. In the particular instance 
quoted, a MR. WALOSKI "trod" that is the correct term, it seems 
the two miles in nine minutes and a half. This is a capital idea ; for, 
after all, why should betting scoundrels be the only " legs " who find 
their condition improved by racing ? 

Logic and Lighthouse. 

ON Wednesday night last week a telegram from Plymouth announced 
that the rumour reporting the Eddystone Lighthouse to have been 
destroyed was without foundation. So all thinking persons expected 
to hear. Of course. They were sure that the Lighthouse had a very 
strong foundation, and they were not sure that the rumour of its 
destruction had any. 

" HOLIDAYS of the Church ! " exclaimed an elderly 'gentleman, 
who was perpetually being worried into " early services " and " high 
celebrations, by his Ritualistic daughters ;" Don't tell me of such 
holidays my festival and real day of rest is /?W-Sunday." 

FEBUUAUY 13, 1869.] 




E read in 
Guesses at Truth 
of a kind of men 
who, coming near 
a tree, never lift 
up their eyes, but 
go looking dili- 
gently on the 
ground till they 
come on a dry 
stick, and having 
found it, cry with 
aloudvoice, "Eu- 
reka ! behold one 
of the roots ! " 
From this order 

of men seems to have sprung a good many of the dramatic critics 
now-a-days, incompetent or indisposed for the more useful duties 
of their calling measuring the merits, analysing the purposes, gauging 
the point, wit, humour, fancy, poetry, imagination of a play, or the 
merits or shortcomings of the actors, they are large on the possible 
sources whence the author may have borrowed his idea, incidents, 
subject, story, or situations. If they can possibly refer anything in 
the play to anything that has ever been presented on the stage before, 
they insist on doing so, no matter how remote the resemblance, or how 
improbable the " conveyance." 

This is a safe and easy game, and gratifies the smaller sentiments of 
critical natures. It may sometimes be fair criticism ; but in a great 
many cases it is equally unfair and useless. 

Ever since there has been a stage, dramatists have borrowed their 
subjects and stories, and it was when they were most original I hat they 
borrowed most freely and fearlessly. SHAKSITAKK wax :i reckless con- 
veyancer. Look at the Italian novelists whom he drew upon without 
scruple. See how he cut up NORTH'S Plvtarrh into cantles for li ; 
I '<rxar and ( 'urtutanux, pcivinc; liimself no more trouble than was required 
for the. slicing of NORTH'S prose into ten-foot lengths. Think of the old 
plays he was content like a master-cobbler as he was to vamp and 
patch and polish, and sole and heel, the earlier King Johns and Henry 
the Sixths, and Timons of Athens, and who knows Hamlets, perhaps. 
He had his critics of the time, one of whom pitched into him as a crow 
beautified with our feathers. ' But before and after him, in all times 
and all countries, play-writers, grave or gay, big or little, have put in 
practice the right of taking their matter where they found it. TERENCE 
NARD, and their followers, TERENCE, PLACTCS, and the Spaniards: 
VANBRUGTI. And so stage conveyancing has gone on, in a round of 
wrong, in all countries, from the earliest times to our own. 

BoticiCAULT and MADDISON MORTON are not less original than 
COLMAN and KENNY, but the French sources which the elder play- 
wrights drew from were not known to their public. The moderns do 
not and cannot keep theirs a secret. Everybody reads the French 
feuilMons ; JEFF'S shop is open to all; and the Maffa-tin Thtatrale 
costs only sixpence a number. But, as a matter of fact, what are called 
the good old English comedies and farces are, in six cases out of ten 
at least, adaptations from the French. 

Of course, the dramatist who invents story as well as dialogue and 
characters deserves more credit than he who invents only one or two 
of the three. But he who makes a character live and move and have 
its being for reader or spectator, does more than he who ferrets out 
from life or history a subject not yet turned to stage account, or builds 
up a plot out of his own invention. So does he who clothes his bor- 
rowed skeleton of a story in the beauty of fervid passion and hiirh 
thought, sweet and stately verse, consummate wit, or genial humour. 

These are the qualities that show the master. The story is but the 
peg to hang them upon. True, -when the sole merit is in the story, 
when all the interest is got out of surprise and suspense, or the shock 
of a startling incident, as it often is in modern plays, he who borrows 
the story, situation, or incident, borrows all. Where play of passion or 
display of character is nil, poetry absent, wit wanting, humour, point, 
or trrace of style dispensed with, for mere story, let us by all means 
credit the inventor of the one quality of the piece with all its success. 
But let the critics learn to distinguish between borrower and bor- 
rower, between adaptation and adaptation, between those who convey 
to enrich, grace, embellish, and invest with new life, and those who 
steal to deform and defoul, stunt, and starve those who bring 
everything, and those who bring nothing to replace all that evaporates 
in translation. 

Why should there not be a rule laid down that the word " orisinal " 
shall be confined in the bills to pieces of which no original in a dramatic 
form already exists, and why should not the International Copyright 

Bill be so modified that he who lays a foreign author's work under 
contribution shall pay for it ? 

In the meantime Mr. J'unrh is not sorry that this question should 
have been started by the recent charge against MR. ROBERTSON of 
having borrowed the idea of his charming c ml, from BBKE- 

DIX'S very inferior Aschenbrodtl. For mis may set people thinking 
wherein lies the merit and demerit of stage-ji 

Would that lack of originality in plot and story were the worst fault 
ir dramatic writing. 

Undoubtedly, it cannot be said to be a good time for the theatre in 
which coarse sensation, buffoonery, and bare ballet-girls usurp so much 
room, and are so relied upon to draw. 

But there is a great deal more to be said for our stage, even as it is. 
than the critics are in the habit of saving, just aa there is a great deal 
, to be said against it that needs saying and is left unsaid. And this 
I applies to acting as of play-writing. 

Till we see sounder and honester, more impartial, and outspoken 
judgment of both the judgment of critics who know what is good and 
relish it, yet can take into account the conditions of the time which 
stand in the way of what is good who have taste and culture, jet are 
neither pedantic, bigoted, or impracticable, and above all critics who 
have no interests to serve but those of Art and the public, Mr. Punch 
is as little disposed to lend an ear as to look for good to the cuckoo 
cry of originality, raised without distinction or discrimination, and 
prompted far oftener by the ill-nature of a rival, or the jealousy of an 
unsuccessful mitfrere, than by the outraged feelings of those who respect 
originality, and are anxious to see every man credited with all that 
fairly belongs to him, and no more. 


A SERIES of vile letters has been published in a certain Magazine, 
with the apparent object of outraging the feelings of simple people, 
in order to gain notoriety by creating sensation. These communi- 
:s mi -lit. be described as a sort of Brownrigg Papers, with the 
qualification that they do not profess to advocate pushing MBS. 
BROWNJUOG'S practices to murder, and that they affect to recommend 
the perpetration of them, not by mistresses on apprentice girls, but by 
mothers of families on their grown-up daughters of eighteen or twenty. 

The writers of these foul, if feigned, article* enter into minute 
details on the choice 9f instruments of torture, and on devices for 
inflicting on young ladies a combination of " shame and pain." Over 
these some of them appear to gloat in such a way as almost to persuade 
one that they are in earnest, and write under tne influence of feelings 
which have been engendered, or aggravated, in Ritualist confessionals. 
For further particulars, see the Saturday Review of Jan. 30. 

But, although all these odious letters in the Magazine may be mere 
inventions, it is possible enough that they may produce the effect of 
inflaming the morbid cruelty and malice of some depraved female, and 
may so develop a maternal BROWNRIGG. In that case it is to be hoped 
that Ms. BROWNRIGG. on first discovery, will let his wife know what 
he thinks of her discipline by a vigorous application of it to her own 
person, and teach her to inflict " shame and pain " on her daughter by 
putting her to both herself. For this purpose, before all the family 
and the servants, following her own procedure, MR. Baowinupe 
would but perform an act of retributive justice by lashing MRS. B. with 
a horsewhip to within an inch of her life. With a horse-whip ? No ; 
with a dogwhip the more appropriate scourge. 
~ ~ 

Conventual Tender Mercies. 

THE Court of Queen's Bench has presented us with a pretty TOT f 
a convent interior. Who says the disclosures are rerojtar f 
treatment which Sisters of Mercy are liaoij to be subjected to m 
seem merciless. But doubtless it is founded on 'principle, its object 
is educational. " She had suffered persecution, says STMJTB, and 
learned mercy." Sisters of Mercy are tormented to teach them their 
business. . 

Personal, Surely. 

MR. RAIKES, Opposition Member for Chester, declared at a political 
banquet, that what a distinguished American said to his fnend m a 
difficulty was the best thing that could be said, at this crisis, to a Con- 
servative " Stick ! " We have no objection, except to the rudeness. 
It is what is always said to a person who is too stupid to know how 
to Act. . 


IN Berlin they have a paper which from its name must be a rery 
disagreeable one to read, and is, we presume, the organ of all grumbling, 
cantankerous, and ill-tempered people, for it is called The Qrou 


A FACT. The best check for pauperism one of PBABODT'S. 


[FEBRUARY 13, 1869. 

George (promptly). " NOAH, "MA." 



George (dubiously}. " FOR LITTLE BOYS TO PLAT WITH, 'It*. * ! ' 



You will recognise my signature, probably, although I have 
been so terribly screwed up of late that when I speak. 1 hardly know 
myself from my next door neighbour. There is a great deal of nonsense 
written about all my friends and relatives just now, and you, dear 
Punch, can do us service by correcting some false impressions that 
have gone abroad. 

It was COSTA who made me so much sharper than I was formerly ; 
therefore he alone is to blame if J am bold enough to say what I think. 

It is absurd to accuse poor VERDI and other Composers of our rise. 
How can any man write us a semitone higber or lower ? You could 
not, if you tried. Yet an authority, who has, I suppose, confused har- 
mony with tuning, attributes to VERDI and others our present elevated 
position. He supposes, because VERDI extended the compass of the 
Baritone, and wrote Tenor music for him, that therefore he wrote 
higher, as truly he did, but not sharper. The trap was a good one, 
and the wise man fell into it. The same critic talks about the police 
not interfering with us, and complains that the " Teutonic Directors 
take their own line as to the pitch fork." If they do, he ought to 
follow their example, and take to farming. 

Some people sneer at MR. SIMS REEVES, and at all the efforts he is 
making to restore us to our proper positions. They say MR. REEVES 
has been singing " under pitch " for the last twenty years clearly a 
gross error ; for though MR. REEVES may be sometimes not up to 
scratch, he was always up to and never under anything else in music. 

My near relative A has been cited as being too highly favoured by 
MR. REEVES. I have often heard the note brought out by our great 
Expositor, but never oftener than HANDEL (who knew us when we 
were differently situated) would have wished. The particular note is 
employed by our old Master no less than eleven times in " Sound an 
Alarm," twice in " Thou shall break them," and twice in " The Enemy 
said." I can only remark that I wish I were A instead of what I am, 
and that HANDEL could hear me when MR. REEVES deigned to give 
me out shouldn't I be proud ! 

But the object of my writing to you at all was not to expose the 
folly of anybody so much as to explain that we unfortunates, who 
belong to the only harmonious scale in Nature, have been hardly used by 
COSTA. Ever since he came into power he has insisted upon pulling us 
up higher and higher, to make his band sound more brilliantly, until at 
last we are not only out of our element, but out of the good graces of 
all good singers, young and old, whose voices we are seriously 
damaging. We don't mind giving ourselves airs, in fact it is our duty 
to do so, but we strongly object to the high jinks we have been;made 
to play for the last quarter of a century. 



THE other day at Manchester a Clown was arrested on a warrant for 
not supporting his wife. Now, if this sort of thing is to be repeated, 
it will be a sad blow to an ancient amusing and highly immoral institu- 
tion. From time immemorial Clowns have been considered free to 
exercise every kind of atrocity with impunity. Who cannot picture to 
himself the delighted countenance of the policeman who, as the repre- 
sentative of his much wronged fraternity, turned the tables on poor 
Motley, and actually had him up before the Magistrate ! This is a 
dreadfully levelling age, but if Clowns are not to be allowed to do as 
; they like, there is from a pantomimic point of view no hope for the 

Philosophy on Four Legs. 

POOR and content ! What do you mean ? 

No wants to gratify ? 
Hog without hunger, dozing, lean, 

In EPICURUS' stye. 

TABLE OP CONTENTS. The Dinner Table. 

Printed by Joteph Smith, of N.. 24. Holford Square, m the Parish of St James Clerkenwell in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Office* of Meaan. Bradbnry, Evam. ft Co., Lombard 
Street, In UK Precinct of Wtutetrtare. in the City of London, and Publiahed by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Pariah of St. Bride, Oltf of London. 8ro HUT , February 15, 1909. 

FEBRUARY 20, 1869.] 



11 K Poet of Paradise I/at and // 
Petuitroso, my dear .I//-. Punch, 
says of the nightingale : 

" Sweet bird, that shunnest the 

noise of folly, 

Most musical, most melan- 
choly ! " 

Addicted as I am to soaring, 
I hope I do not fly too high in 
saying that MILTON might have 
sung nearly the same about 
me. Nearly, observe, not quite. 
Although I say it that shouldn't, 
I am most musical, but alto- 
gether the reverse of most 
melancholy ; on the contrary, 
universally accounted most 
merry. Hence, my name has 
come to be abused in a shame- 
ful manner ; of which I now 
complain to you. It is made 
to signify a sort of merry- 
making which is about the 
most despicable and brutal 
foolery that I look down upon 
from th(! sky. \<m saw in the Pall Mall Gaietie, the other dav, that 
two young snubs were committed for tearing down the fittings of a first- 
class carriage, and throwing the footwarmer out of window. They 
: licit tliis damage was only done for a purpose to which they 
gave my name. I object to such a vile misapplication of it. Drunken 
idiots usually make the same excuse for wrenching off door-knockers 
and bell-handles. Even in common discourse it is customary to use 
my name as a synonym of the word, equally vulgar and disgusting with 
the outbreak which it signifies, called a " spree " by Champagne Charlie 
and the gents. I do protest against the misnomer of terming a silly mis- 
chievous frolic, of which the character is always essentially low, 

Heaven's Gate, Dunstabk. A LARK. 


I'KKHAPS no plummet that shall be cast will ever find the bottom of 
human baseness and wickedness. We have sometimes thought that 
we had nearly sounded them, as in the case of the first Napoleon, or the 
last hag sent to penal servitude for stripping children of their clothes. 
But up crops a new case, which seems to' demand a heavier lead and a 
longer line than Uu either of the criminals we have mentioned. At 
know nut whether to thank MR. JAMES GREENWOOD, or not, 
for making the revelation, so disgusting is the cold brutality he 
records : but, on reflection, we thank him for having added another to 
I deeds. What think you, brothers and sisters, who lie safely 
listening to the furious tempests, and who find some comfort, when 
you are pitying the sailors, in the thought that they are furnished with 
life-buoys, that may hold them up in the fight with the black waves, 
what think you, we say, of this ? 

" Writing tn me," says MR. GREENWOOD, in last Friday's Star, " eon- 
M it. DIXIIX, a welt-known life-belt and buoy maker 

"I 1 Siimlerlanil, iut'urmeil me Unit lie hnd grave suspicions of the quality of the 
ii.i. iiirnl in London, und supplied to the Jew slop ghopa. lie 
himself "hud met with lilr-tiuys composed of the basest materials, and sent me 
Rome hits of fniniHiin ruth as a, sample of the interior of one he had dissected. 
Ho further apprised me of the fact that to such an extent had this fraud been 

(1. that a very Urge number of seamen would have nothing to do 
with lifi-bunys, declaring that they would rather go down and have done 
with it. tli.m Dane in the jaws of death for a few hours, with the certainty of 
drownint after all, lie i uiniir,- m<>re apparent a< th'- treacherous support gradu- 
ally soddened, and sank under their weight." 

There, just read that quietly. It is no case for tall language. The 
simple words are pretty nearly enough, don't you think P You have 
taken in the fact. The men struggling in the waters, thinking of 
firesides and children, and feeling the article from the Jew's slop 
shop giving way under their cold hands. Let us go on, then. 

Mu. GRBHN WOOD, naturaBy, did not care to receive this story without 
inquiry. He is no Gusher, eager to gush before a tale can be contra- 
dicted. On the contrary, a hard-headed, practical gentleman. He went 
to Shadwell, and found a belt and buoy maker. The man was frank 
enough : 

" He informed me that the buoys which are all stamped ' warranted cork- 
wood,' are nothing of the kind; 'not one in a dozen.' ' You couldn't do it 
for the money,' said my informant ; ' the Jews that such as we work for won't 
give more than tbree-and-six or four shillings each for "em, and how much 

cork can you afford to stuff into 'em for that, I 'd like to know ? "... He 
appeared to think that it did not matter what the canras coven were stuffed 
with so long as they were well sewn and painted. I further inquired as to 
where the precious goods of his manufacture might be bought, and he replied 
shortly, ' Anywhere.' And it seemed that this was pcrf. 

lie told MR. GREENWOOD what was put into the articles rushes, 
shavings. But this will be shown better in Mi. GREENWOOD'S own 
account : 

" The neighbourhoods of Shadwell, Itatcliff, and Poplar were visited, and at 
each place at a seaman's slop-shop a 'good life buoy' was inquired for and 
bought. One was branded ' warranted corkwood,' one ' all cork,' and the third 
simply bore the word ' warranted.' They ranged in price from six shillings to 
seven-and-sixpence. They were all three carried home, and dissected with the 
following results: 

" No. 1 (' warranted corkwood'), when its flimsy yellow skin was slit, was 
discovered to consist bodily of straw, sparely covered with cork shavings for 
the satisfaction, it is presumed, of any cautious mariner who might feel din- 
posed to risk a like slit in his purchase so as to make sure of its quality before 
he paid for it. 

"No. 2 (' warranted') was stuffed with rushes. 

" No. 3 (' all cork ') cork chips and rushes, about twenty per cent of the 
former and eighty of the latter. 

" To test the buoyant capability of the three detected impostors they were 
placed in water, a weight of ten pounds being attached to each. This was the 
result : 

" ' Warranted corkwood : ' sank in an hour. 

" ' Warranted : ' stood the test for nearly two hours, and then succumbed. 

" ' All cork,' floated for four hours, and "then sank from view." 

We really do not see that we can do better than leave the case as 
thus succinctly stated. We thought that no form of rascality could 
surprise us much ; but this revelation has more nearly produced 
astonishment than any atrocity of which we have read for years. Yet 
why be astonished ? For, " buthiness is buthiness," as the Jew slop- 
shop keeper would say ; and " business is business," as his Christian 
rival would remark. But, but would it not be pleasant to fling a gang 
of the vendors of these accursed things into the sea off Brighton pier 
on a blowy day, and pitch them a choice assortment of 'their own 
buovs and belts to save them ? We doubt whether a purer pleasure 
could be suggested to us, unless we could hand them to the unfriendly 
Maories about dinner time. We may not hare either happiness ; but 
we may call upon all our contemporaries to do their best to spread the 
knowledge that such are among the devilish tricks of trade ; and we 
may among us save a good many poor fellows from the deep. Can't 
the Sailors' Home, among other channels, send about the facts P 
And if Jack inquires into the matter, and, breaking open a buoy at a 
slop shop, finds straw or shavings, we hope that he will not be so hard 
as to pull the Jew's nose off that is, not quite off. 


Tin- Controller of Her Majesty's Stationery Office has issued a 
Circular to the public offices, urging greater economy in the consump- 
tion of quill pens, which, judging from MR. GREG'S cutting remarks, 
appear to be' very wastefully used between ten and four. As this is a 
question of pounds, shillings, and pnu, the nation having to stump up 
a large sum every year for the supply of these quills, the Controller is 
no doubt right in making a pounce upon what seems a decided abuse. 
But, perhaps, a still more necessary reform would be effected, if the 
consumption of another article in constant use in Government offices 
could be lessened Red Tape. 

Nice Police News from Wigan. 

THE other day at Wigan a publican and collier were tried for brutally 
assaulting a policeman who had called at the house of the former after 
midnight, lie knocked him down, kicked him, and, says the local 
report, "tried to hold him over a fin a performance in which they 
succeeded for a short time." The publican was fined ten pounds : the 
accomplice half. Policemen are evidently not very highly valued at 
Wigan. There is a touch of professional originality in the collier's 
putting the policeman on the coals. Possibly they had been bitten by 
the Pantomimes in which the guardians of the peace are generally 

A Box of Smoke. 

A SBA.-CA.PTi.ts has been fined, at Liverpool, for smuggling over 
tobacco in a missionary box. As such things are about th 
cisrar-bpxes, the poor man's offence could not have been ver 
Why didn't he plead that the tobacco was some pious and ano 
contribution to the society to which the box belonged ? If "ViciLixs" 
and other Argus-eyed writers say truth, many missionary contributions 
are dissipated in much less sensible ways than the smoking them. 

ELEGANT EXTRACTS. In a Dentist's Window. 



[FEBRUARY 20, 1869. 


Ruffian (to Snob). " You 'VE BROKE HIS WING, AND NO MISTAKE, MISTER." 
Snob. " YES, I 'u A GETTING ON." 


BEHOLD the domes of wealthy pride 

In London's Western quarter; 
The best of them are built, inside 

Of sorry bricks and mortar. 
Whilst 'you survey their outside fair, 

With admiration struck, O 
Remember that the fronts they wear 

Are but all stucco, stucco ! 
All stucco, stucco, 
All stucco, stucco. 
The fronts those splendid mansions wear 

Are naught but stucco, stucco. 

So Beauty 's but skin-deep at most, 

Thus much you may depend on, 
Beneath it there 's no more to boast 

Than muscle, nerve, and tendon. 
If ever you a wooing go. 

Consider that, young Buck O ! 
Fair face, which hides such things below, 

Is but all stucco, stucco. 
All stucco, stucco, 
All stucco, stucco, 
Is as a mask to things below, 

And naught but stucco, stucco. 


WELL, what did Mr. Punch say all along ? That Ma. 
STUDD would win on the Derby Course. He has won. 
He is to be paid about what he demands for the use of his 
land, and he appears to have thrown a bit of generosity 
into the bargain. The disinterested creatures who train 
horses only to improve the English breed, and run them 
only to give the public a holiday, and bet on them only 
to keep up their practice in arithmetic, and let seats 
at exorbitant prices only that their patrons may not be 
over-crowded, grumble, no doubt, but MR. STUDD has 
his rights, and we are very glad he stuck out for them 
against Cant. But now, let all be now forgotten. The 
Festival is saved, which might have been a Mournival. 



As there is likely to be a good deal of talk about the Spanish Par- 
liament, it may be convenient to the ill-informed (most, persons) to 
know that this body does not spell its name like that of CORTEZ, 
mentioned in liokeby : 

" Till sank PIZABRO'S daring name, 
And CORTEZ, thine, in BERTRAM'S fame," 

Nor is it in the singular number. It is masculine and plural, spelt 
Cortes, means States, and therefore not to be followed by "is," 
except in the language of such persons as say Sugars is riz. While in 
Spain, let us demand why people say they are going to the Al Hambra, 
any more than they would say they have been reading the Al Koran. 
Even the Greeks are educating themselves in the matter of language, 
and shall an Englishman come behind a Greek, except to give him a 
kick, if misconducting himself ? 


AT the opening of the Spanish Constituent Cortes MARSHAL SER- 
RANO made a speech, epitomised in a telegram, concluding with the 
announcement that : 

" The inaugural address was received with great enthusiasm, nnd at its 
conclusion shouts were raised of ' Long live the Nation ! ' * Long live the 
National Sovereignty .' ' ' Long live the Provisional Government ! ' " 

How little the shouting part of mankind are accustomed to consider 
the meaning of their vociferations, it is amusing to see. " Long live 
the Nation ! " is a reasonable cry, and tliere is consistency in " Long 
live the National Sovereignty ; " but the Cortes convoked to settle 
a permanent Constitution, evinced a rather unthinking enthusiasm 
when they shouted " Long live the Provisional Government ! " 


ANYTHING prettier than the way the young MARQUIS OF LORNE 
(son of the DUKE OT ARGYLL, you plebeians who haven't a BURKE) 
returned thanks for the ladies, at the Fishmongers' dinner to Ministers, 
cannot, be. Lest it should be forgotten, we immortalise it. First he 
quoted SCHILLER we forget the exact words something of this kind 

" Honour to women, to whom it is given, 
To make men sigh to escape to heaven," 

or to that, or another effect. But the gem was the finish. " I thank 
you, Prime Warden, for this homage to those who are the Wardens of 
our Hearts." The worst is that one can't use this again, as Wardens 
are not often met. But if ever we meet one at a wedding-breakfast, 
and we propose the bridesmaids, we see our way to something about 
making them Church-wardens of our hearts. Church don't you see 
marry 'em eh P Thanks, LORD LORNE the fishmongers don't often 
hear such pretty things about the maids. 


THE other night, at a meeting of the National Association for the 
Promotion of Social Science, a philogynist read a paper, and a con- 
versation ensued, on the employment of women in the Civil Service 
which the Government are about to reduce. The argument of the 
paper, however, and the general opinion of the meeting, were in favour 
of opening the overmanned Civil Service to women. The utility of so 
doing may appear less obvious than the equity ; but the idea, at least, 
suggests an inquiry perhaps of some importance as a woman's question. 
There is one particular in which women will naturally like to know 
, whether, if eligible for the Civil Service, they will be subject to the 
same condition as that which generally regulates the Domestic "No 
Followers Allowed "P 

' A RESPECTFUL NEGATIVE." The Photograph that Flatters. 

RACING QUERY. Is a fiery horse the best animal to 

' put a pot 

FEBRUARY 20. 1869.] 





1 THAT'S IT, Ouv'.NKRl forr!! GIVE IT 'IM ! I ! Yia HODB 'LL SOON BE vr 1 1 II " 


I'Koi'LE wlio have suffered from a plethora of turkeys, and who, with 
all tln-ir frolicking; and feasting this lost Christmas, may have found it 
hard some days to set an appetite for dinner, are likely to forget thai 
hunger really is a most unpleasant feeling, and becomes indeed distress- 
ing when carried to excess. To a gourmand who is daily gorged with a 
good dinner, hunger may appear a sensation to be wisned for; and 
envy, more than pity, may be the inward feeling with which he may 
regard a child halt starving in the streets. A boy stuffed to repletion 
with plum-pudding and miucepie may awaken his compassion in a far 
higher degree than the little hungry urchins who crowd about the pic- 
shops, and flatten their small noses against the dirty glass. 

But we are not all gourmands, and Christmas feasts are over, and we 
most of us know what it is to have a healthy appetite after a day's 
work. So we most of us can feel real pity tor the little ones, with 
whom appetites are far more plentiful than dinners, and whose limbs 
are lean and stunted by paucity of food. But something more than 
pity it is in our power to give, arid how to give that something usefully 
may be learnt from this : 

" Last year the Committee of the Refuges for Homeless and Destitute 
Children commenced, in December, a system uf providing 500 children with a 
good dinner weekly. These dinners were regularly given during the months 
of December, January, and February last, the whole number of dinners pro- 
vided having been 6,682, at a total cost of 196 It. Id., or at a very small 
fraction beyond the sum of 7rf. per dinner." 

Sevenpeuce per dinner ! and here are hundreds of us Christians 
dining pretty often at some three guineas a-head ! At one meal we 
consume the cost of giving dinners to above a hundred children, who 
need a dinner far more than we do ourselves. If you have any doubt 
on this point, listen to what follows : 

" It is impossible to calculate the value of these meals to those who ate 
them, but it may be safely estimated that this one good meal in seven days 
has saved many a little child from fever, lung disease, or some other malady 
Such as would be almost certain to attack the little frame wasted and weakeut'd 
by a lack of nutriment. Many of those little ones are the children of vert- 

poor parents. Their fathers have probably no regular employment : and when 
wnrk fails, food, as a matter of count, fails *lw>. ' You ire not as quick is 
usual,' says the teacher of the ragged school. ' Teacher, I have hid no 
breakfast, "and I feel very weak,' is the reply." 

Starving often leads to stealing, and a good dinner ouce a week may 
save a child from growing to a ruffianly thief. Think of this, please, 
you, whose selfishness is really the mainspring of four charity ; and 
reflect that the more dinners you subscribe for in the Refuges, the less 
likelihood there is that you will be gurottcd by some hunger-bred 
street- ruffian a dozen years, say, hence. 

WE read in the Pall Vail Gazette 

" The inspectors of weights and measures for St. Fancris have again in- 
flicted penalties on a large number of tradesmen for having defective weights 
and measures. Amongst others they have fined a vestryman 10s., but accord- 
ing to the system adopted by the vestry under the local Act of Parliament the 
names of the vestryman and other tradesmen who hive been fined are kept 
strictly secret." 

Punch considers this latter course rather noble and brotherly on the 
part of the Vestrymen. Each is willing to bear his share in the dis- 
grace. But it is also rather a bore for the public, who have to procure 
a list of the Faucras Vestry, and carefully abstain from buying anything 
at the shop of any vestryman who sells by weight or measure. 

To Authors and Manager*. 

WK wish to suggest a suitable name for the first new Burlesque or 
Pantomime that shall be brought out with decent dresses. Let it be a 
pastoral YVatteauesque piece, and let it be called, out of compliment to 
the LORD CHAMBERLAIN, Arcadia, SYDNKT'S Arcadia. 

LEG-ITIMATE SUCCESSES. Modern Extravaganzas. 




NEVER show ignorance. If 
astic amateur, talks to you of 
or of Jephtha and the " normal 
diapason," and imparts his 
belief that "an A of 870 
vibrations makes music quite 
as enjoyable as one of 910 ; " 
although a series of algebraic 
symbols would be fully as 
intelligible to you as what he 
is saying, do not merely hear 
him, but listen to him, and \ 
look knowing, and move your 
head acquiescingly. Should 
he touch on the prospects of 
the Opera, and sound you as 
to your opinion of STACCA- j 
TIKI'S lovely mezzo-soprano 
and wonderful " register," 
(nothing to do with stoves or 
elections,) give to your face 
an intense and experienced 
expression, even though you 
are conscious of some confu- 
sion in your mind between 
the compositions of BELLINI 
and ROSSINI, and are uncer- 
tain as to the authorship of II Sarbiere (always speak as if you were familiarly acquainted 
with this work), and know that you go rarely and inexpensively to the 9pera, and that when 
you do go you go to sleep, and wish they would omit all the recitative, and relate their 
joys and griefs in a language you could understand. 

Again, yoa probably could not tell the difference between hydrogen and oxygen, and 
would be puzzled to give an intelligible account of the cause of an eclipse ; but for all that, 
if Miss CERULIA STOCKEN chooses to enlarge upon HUXLEY'S paper and TYNDALL'S discourse, 
upon molecules and protoplasms, spectrum analysis, and " BAILY'S beads," ordinary polite- 
ness, and the remembrance that you belong to the superior sex, should save you from dis- 
closing your ignorance. It seems superfluous to hint that you must never let any one 

suppose you are other than thoroughly well 
versed in the 'usual modern languages, and that 
all anecdotes, epigrams, and witticisms, parti- 
cularly if concealed in verse, circulated m those 
tongues, are to be welcomed by you with a 
knowing grin, whether understood or not. 

You are a little tired of the beautiful STAB 
case, and Sister SCHOLASTICA and her inadequate 
sweeping-brush and monotonous mutton, and 
skeleton suit, and thimbles, and gooseberries, 
and all the rest of the mean and miserable story 
of her persecution ; and have probably settled 
these two things in council with yourself that 
SAURIN v. STAR and Another must damage 
llomanism in England and its base counterfeit 
in the English Church, and will necessitate a 
stringent inspection of all convents and monas- 
teries by Act of Parliament. Parliament ! in 
that one word lie hints for conversation for 
months to come. Are we not all delighted that 
the sixteenth of February has come at last that 
the row is going to begin, that "Disestablish- 
ment" and " Disendowment " will be spoken 
and written, and printed times innumerable 
; between now and the twelfth of August, that 
! the Right Hon. Gentleman will resume his seat 
amidst loud and reiterated applause, alter 
speaking two hours and a half, without inllu- 
I encing a single vote or changing a single opinion, 
that there will possibly be another Education 
Bill, probably another Bankruptcy Bill, and 
I positively another Abyssinian Bui. and that if 
'the Lords are very tractable and considerate 
the Irish questions may be settled about the 
year 1872 ? Who does not envy the SPEAKER 
of the House of Commons ? Or would you 
rather be the Lords Lieutenants, and receive 
deputations, and reply to addresses; or the 
EMPEROR NAPOLEON, to enjoy the treat of giving 
an audience to the ingenious inventor of a 
new system of tin pipes," or perhaps COLONEL 



SHORT time ago some one ventured to suggest the idea of Ritualist 

^ Lrilles. The following statement, in a published letter from Pans, 

announces an advance far beyond that in the cultus of Terpsichore : 

" An Italian composer has published some dance-music under the title oi 
' The Seven Cardinal Sins ! ' This is a new idea, and may even sell bad 


You are all aware of the saying that the French capital is the place 
of final beatitude reserved for all good Americans. Even to its native 
inhabitants Paris, fashionable Paris, seems to be very nearly Paradise. 
Very nearly ; not quite. In Paradise there is no crying, of the lachry- 
mose kind, at least. But in Paris, says the Post's Correspondent, 
there : 

" The Skating Club people have not recovered from their disappointment at 
the sudden break-up of the frost. It is a source of positive uuhappiness to 
some ladies who had ordered icing costumes. I called to-day on a family, and 
found Madame in her drawing-room, gazing sadly on a pair of beautifully 
engraved skates and lovely Polish boots. ' Why so melancholy ? ' said I. 
' Adieu patins ! ' she exclaimed, and burst into a flood of tears ! " 

Only think how happy, in general, this lady must have been to be j dlvmlt y 
capable of weeping over the skates to which the mildness of the season The divinity that came to the aid of the composer of such dance- 
obliged her to bid farewell ! What surroundings, what memories, what m usic as that abovenamed can hardly be conceived to bear any relation 
prospect could leave her tears for the despair of exhibiting her agility j to the divinity which " doth hedge a king." It may be rather imagined 
in ornamental skates and boots ? From four to five, or even six meals akin to the divinity apostrophised by lago. Dance-music really charac- 
a day, and nearly as many changes of dress in the height of fashion, j teristic of the Seven Cardinal Sins would be music to which one mighl 
are doubtless her portion in this vale of tears, of which vale Paris is a j fancy fools dancing down an inclined plane, on the " primrose path, ' 
er. To all these blessings, house, servants, equipage to "facilis descensus," 

music. Here 


Luxure,' valse ; . _ . . 

vie,' polka ; ' La Paresse," mazurka." 

Hereon observes the letter-writer : 

" Dance-music is often played in the churches of Italy. Why should not 
livinity come to the aid of music ? " 

part, even to her. . . . _ 

match, and all the other good things of wealthy life, lots of ready 
money inclusive, may be supposed to be added ; and Paris, no doubt, 
contains legions of equally blessed beings, in respect of their blessed- 
ness almost angels, let very probably, like herself, they all cry at 

,^ , , , down the middle, and not up again. 

But perhaps the Cardinal Sin-dances, in spite of the present state of 
Parisian society, are not really characteristic. Possibly none of them 
are illustrations of wickedness, such as might be, and sometimes, if not 
usually, are, presented to the public in the modern ballet. It may be 

**, * T . i l . ii_i'Al-__tf II J 1 1. 

times, because something prevents them from showing themselves off ] that pride, avarice, luxury, and so on, as the titles of poLkas and waltzes, 
in some special finery, or for some other disappointment or calamity j no more imply immorality than Sebastopol, Magenta, and Solferino, in 
not more heartbreaking. Therefore even to them Paris is something the same connection, do carnage. For aught anybody knows, they 

short of Paradise even their own Paradisaical part of it is. For there 
we other parts of Paris, where dwell les mis&rabl-es. If the beautiful 
superior beings of that city could only know, and think, what the 
wretched classes have to cry for, they themselves would never cry at 
being merely precluded from wearing superfluous and fancy clothes. 
Paris would then become for them as nearly as possible the place with 
which it is identified in the imagination of good Americans. Almost, 
if not quite, all tears would be wiped away from their eyes, had they 
any notion of the sorrows of those others. 

A SOUND JUDGE. A Musical Critic. 

express nothing worse than the condition of mind from which words 
that mean the most solemn things are commonly employed, by some 
composers, in the nomenclature of dance-musicidiotic frivolity. 


WHY oughtn't a Boot and Shoemaker to be trusted f 
Because lie's a Slippery Customer. 

good Dressing. 

FEBRUARY 20, 1869.] 




DAWSON DORMOUSE is the sleepiest fellow I ever met. I don't 
know what he was as a boy, but at college, where GOOSET made his 
aintauce, his somnolent habits were proverbial. 

No one, with any experience of DORMOUSE, ever thought of asking 
him to breakfast at nine. Such an invitation has often received from a 
Night Bird the answer, "My dear fellow, / don't tit up so late," but 
DORMOUSE hadn't this excuse ; in fact, he had no excuse, but would 
accept the offer of hospitality with the proviso, " If I don't oversleep 
myself," which was tantamount to informing his host that he either 
wouldn't come at all ; or, if he did come, would not make his appearance 
till nicl-day. 

He has always been the same ; as he was, so he is, and in all proba- 
bility will be to the end. DORMOUSE is not a man who lives fast ; he 
docs not, for instance, agree with those Sad Dogs who assert that 
" not going home until daylight doth appear" is a necessary condition 
of conviviality. On the contrary, DORMOUSE will dine with a party 
determined to make a night of it ; will join them in that determination; 
will drink toasts, will take his share in sustaining ihe conversation, 
will help himself and pass the bottle, will smoke, will, in short, not be 
behind any one there in promoting the pleasure of the evening j but, 
about halt-past eleven, some one will suddenly exclaim, 

" 1 1 ullo ! where 's DORMOUSE ? " 

Two or three wags will instantly look under the table, where, 
perhaps, they will be in another two hours, and, not finding him there, 
will discover, on further inquiry, that he had left about three-quarters 
of an hour ago. Whereupon they will cry, " What a fellow that 
Domcopu is !" and apply themselves, in a most Christian spirit, to 
make up for his defection. 

DORMOUSE, in the above instance, has kept to his expressed resolu- 
tion to " make a night of it," only he has done it in his own way. 

lie " makes a night of it " in bed: and a precious long one it is too ; 
for though DOKMOUSE has no regular time for rising, he is punctual to 
half an hour in retiring. 

" DORMOUSE is a horribly provoking fellow," young BAT tells me, 
and tells him, too, to his face. Young BAT is of opinion that night 
was made for sitting up." He will stay up long past the smallest 
hours without any sort of excitement, or even without a companion, as 
if he expected the end of the world .petween twelve and six in winter, 
and therefore it was no use his going to bed. When he is satistie I 
that another day has commenced, he looks at himself and his wry huir 
in the glass, shakes his head, and after observing confidentially, tlml 
"this sort of thing won't do he must give up these i;ite hours," he 
jumps into bed, and closes his eyes to the fact of the grey dawn. 

Nothing will induce DORMOUSE to sit up with BAT, although lie "11 
begin an evening with him. DORMOUSE will look in at BAT'S rooms, 
on his road home, at nine o'clock. 

" Capital ! " cries BAT ; " come along, and sit down. Have a 
ciu-iir ': " 

DORMOUSE returns that he doesn't mind if he does. A" cautious 
character is DORMOUSE'S, you'll observe. A somnambulist never 
i s to harm if you only let him walk on : and in my opinion DOR- 
MOUSE is never thoroughly awake. He sits down bv the fire and 
commences his cigar. Conversation gets along at a fair pace : they 
arc plunging into the topics most interesting to Bachelors, and BAT is 
warming up when DORMOUSE looks at the clock, then corroborates its 
evidence by his watch (some men have this morbid craving for absolute 
certainty), and then says. 

" Eleven o'clock ! I didn't know it was so late." 

" Late ! " exclaims BAT -. " Nonsense ! the night "s only beginning. 
Have another cigar." 

" Thank you, I will," replies DORMOUSE ; and BAT, handing him a 
light, is rejoicing at the success of his scheme for delaying his de- 
parture, when DOKMOUSE takes up his greatcoat, and observes that the 
cigar he has taken " will just see him home." 

" Oh, hang it ! " says BAT, " stop a few minutes longer." 

It is always a request for "a few minutes" with BAT. This ex- 

B-ession means anything from a quarter of an hour to half a day. 
OHMOUSE is adamant. 

" Well, then," says BAT, with an air of decision, as if he must really 
make this a matter of business, " stop .till the half-hour exactly, and 
then go." 

Anybody but DORMOUSE would yield to : this: in fact, BAT knows 
that,\this concession once made, to gain another half-hour after that is 
a comparatively easy matter. 

But DORMOUSE is granite in his determination. He merely shakes his 
head pleasantly, and, putting on his hat, still puffing BAT'S cigar, which 

liis friend considers as obtained under false pretences, be wishes BAT 
good night. 

" Oh. you 're not going P " says BAT, trying to make it appear that 
he really can't believe DORMOUSE to be in earnest. 

But DORMOUSE is in earnest, and moves towards the door. BAT is 
at bis wits' end for any pretext to delay him, in order that he may have 
some one to sit up with. 

"Oh," says BAT, suddenly, " Just stop ! I wanted to say something 
very particular to you." DORMOUSE nausea, and BAT feels that the 
corner of the thin end of the wedge is just wriggling in, and that the 
greatest delicacy of manipulation is required. 

DORMOUSE waits a few seconds. BAT assumes a puzzled air, as if 
he was trying to recall what he so particularly wanted to say to DOR- 
MOUSE. Invention fails him : he can only implore his friend to " wait 
a minute, and he '11 think of it." But DORMOUSE observes that " it 
doesn't matter : he '11 look in again another evening." 

Now. nothing annoys BAT more, at this juncture, than the postpone- 
ment of a sitting. He is inclined to say, indeed sometimes don say, 
" Ah, perhaps I shan't be here another night," and adds, that he is 
probably going to Devonshire or Cornwall for a week : which is merely 
a little romance of his to induce DORMOUSE to seize the present 
momer. . 

" \\ ( II," replies the imperturbable DORMOUSE, "I must take my 
chance good night." And before BAT has time to think of another 
excuse for procrastination, DORMOUSE has crept down-stain, and is 
out of the house. 

DAWSOJT DORMOUSE is studying the Law. His notion is to take up 
Chamber Practice. 1 think his idea is that there 's no moving in this 

" You see," he says, while in his dressing-gown and arm-chair, with 
his feet on the fender and his breakfast, at two o'clock p.m., by his 
side. "Chamber practice will just suit me. In the first place, it 's 
practice," his friend admitted that it was, "and then it's in a 
Chamber." This also I owned sounded far from improbable. 

" Well, then," he continues, putting one foot over the other, to give 
each its due turn at the fire. ''A chamber's comfortable ; there "s no 
rushing into Court at ten o'clock in the morning. In fact," he says, 
pursuing his idea of chamber practice, " there 's no reason why you 
shouldn't see people in bed, or in your dressing-gown." 

I suppose my face assumes an air of doubt upon this point, as he 
continues, " Why not ? 1 give up these chambers and I have chambers 
in Lincoln's Inn : very good. I sleep there my bed-room adjoins my 
sitting-room. Client comes to clerk in the outer room ; Clerk shows 
him into the chamber. I am in bed, in the next room, with his papers 
on the counterpane. Client wants my opinion. " What do you think 
of So-and-so P says he in the sitting-room. " Well," I should reply 
from my bed-room, " it 's a case of Tenant-in-Fee," or whatever it 
might be, you know. " All right" he says, goes away, and I make my 
fifty guineas (with something included for the clerk, you know, who 
opens the door, and brushes one's clothes, and so forth) without stirring 
out of bed. That 'i chamber practice." 

"You don't wear a wig, I suppose?" asked GOOSET, who was 
present, and for whom the public work of the bar had many attractions. 

"A wig?" repeats DORMOUSE, thoughtfully, as if this was a 
< jaestion on which he had read a great deal at one time, but had subse- 
quently forgotten. "A wigP Well I suppose not in chamber 

" Yet," says GOOSET, " all barristers have the same dress." 

" Ah, yes, 1 * returns DORMOUSE ; " but not in chamber practice that 
is, it would be absurd to suppose that I should be obliged to wear a 
wig and a gown in bed, while I am giving my opinions." 

Of course." says GOOSET. " But no one doe$ practise in bed. 

" \Vliy not?" asks DORMOUSE, who has evidently only chosen this 
department of the Law on the distinct understanding (between himself 
and imaginary Vice-Chancellors) that he can do business in his own 
style, and in comfort. 

When GOOSET was going to the Bar, how the MOLES helped him I 
will presently record. 

(To be Continued.) 

Great Ingratitude. 

CUMBERLAND and Westmoreland people are about to petition the 
House of Commons against the appointment of MR. HEJJRT LOWTHER 
as their Lord Lieutenant, MR. DISRAELI'S hut snug little arrangement , 
done just as the door in Downing Street was closing upon him. Un- 
reasonable Counties ! Why not be satisfied to remain contented and 
happy under the sway of your great family at the Castle, and o enable 
us, envious outsiders, to i alise the idea of a Lowther Arcadia ': 


THERE have been floods in Cork. Cork, as usual, kept afloat not- 



.nswered SAUL, but instead of limiting his 
reply to that accurate statement, was so 
superfluous as to add, " which is also called 

PAUL." Unbridled iteration is no more than 
what we expect from CHADBAND; but a 

Dean should know where to stop. 




THE DEAN OF YORK is reported to have thus spoken in improving the occasion of a deplorable 
accident, the result of obvious and extreme incaution : 

" These dispensations we are unable to fathom. But this we may say, these things happen for examples 
and they are written for our admonition upon whom the ends of the world are come." 

Suppose a man, carrying a gun at full cock, and dragging it through a hedge behind him 
shoots himself, would the DEAN OP YORK consider that a dispensation which he was unable to 
fathom f That casualty would be not a whit less mysterious than the one to which he referred 
When the Dean remarks that these things happen for examples, no doubt he is right. So die 
deaths by fire through Crinoline. But when he says that they are written for our admonition 
does he ascribe sanctity to penny-a-lining f And what does he mean by " upon whom the ends 
of the world are come " ? Apparently much about that which was meant by the celebrated under 
graduate under examination, when, being asked who was the first King of the Jews, he 


HARK, the Convent Bell is ringing ! 
Child of Fashion, young and fair, 
From your heart affections, clinging 
Still to home, it bids you tear. 
Hark, how it seems to say, 
" Tired of a life too gay, 
Hither your used-up soul bringing, 
Come and let us crop your hair. 

" Here, from constant dissipation, 

You will find a nice retreat, 
Of the flesh mortification ; 
Mouldy crusts of bread to eat : 
Fat mutton if you hate, 
Fat mutton on your plate. 
Come where holy maceration 
Shall take down your self-conceit. 

" You'll be chastened here by snubbing, 

Have, for faults, to kiss the floor. 
On your knees be set boards scrubbing. 
When your scullion's work is o'er, 
Unto deaf ears may cry 
For tallow, to apply, 
When you shall, the skm by rubbing 
Off, have made your fingers sore. 

" Or, if there be cause to blame you, 
You '11 be made to knuckle down, 
And, in public, more to shame you, 
Wear a duster on your crown. 
For bloom yon '11 have disgrace 
With rose to tint your face ; 
Here they know the way to tame you, 
Or the proudest girl in Town. 

" Here your tongue must be close holdeu 

As it can, from each ' extern," 
And the rule of silence golden 
E'en with sisters you must learn. 
If you exceed in chat, 
You '11 punished be for that. 
Will example not embolden 
You a blessed nun to turn ? 

"If you have in your possession 

Bit of rag, or candle-end, 
That will be a dire transgression ; 
Or. a letter should you send, 
Though to relations near, 
Them if you call too dear, 
Such misdeeds will need confession, 
Penance too, when you offend. 

" Wholesome discipline will humble 

You completely to the dust. 
Bear it well whene'er you stumble, 
Or you'll out of doors be thrust. 
With foul brand on your name. 
Come, suffer pain and shame ; 
But remember, if you grumble, 
Go you shall, and go you must ! " 

The Right measure. 

Countess are likely to be popular in Ireland, 
and will probably soon have a poem written 
in their praise in the SpENSKRian stanza, of 

" STANDING ORDERS." Free Admissions 
who can't get Seats. 





\ ~~ 

FEBRUARY 20, I860.] 





INCH presents his best com- 
]iliinriitsln Mu..lnii\ LANDS 
Churchwardens of St. 
Swithin, Lombard Street, 
and begs leave to intimate 
to those gentlemen that he 
is much pleased to read 
that, abandoning the usual 
churchwardenly instinct, 
they propose to take due 
care of London Stone, to 
enclose it in an ornamental 
covering whereby it will 
remain visible, but out of 
the reach of mischief, and 
to erect tablets with Latin 
and English histories of 
the Stone. The City ought 
to be pleased also, and even 
might smile upon the pro- 
ceeding, if we give him our 
solemn assurance that, to 

the best of the belief of STOW and Punch, the Stone is not from the 
chisel of PHIDIAS. At least, DR. WILLIAM SMITH does not say any- 
thing about PHIDIAS having executed it. Perhaps the worthy 
Alderman would like to write the Latin inscription shall we start him ? 








Now, dear, clever Alderman, go on with the Running. 


, /'. -/n-uarii 11. Of course, the universe had marked down 
in its Pocket-Book (Punch's) that the Essence would be resumed next 
week. But the extraordinary importance of the proceedings of Thurs- 
day last, in the House of Lords, to say nothing of Mr. Punch's glowing 
impatience to rush into political fray, induces him to forestal the hap- 
piness of the universe, and at once begin a New Series of Records, 
which promise supernatural interest ana excitement. The fiery Fish- 
mongers, in their nohle eagerness to learn news, gave the PREMIER and 
his colleagues a splendid banquet on that same Thursday, but MR. 
GLADSTONE told them only that his hand was at the plough, and he 
did not mean to look back. Look put, therefore, for the Plough- 
Monday, or other day on which he will unveil the statue of llibemia 

In the House of Lords, to-day, the new Chancellor, LORD HATHER- 
LEY (mind, we don't object to occasionally naming the officials, but 
folks with bad memories must get a Ministerial list), took his seat on 
the woolsack at two o'clock. The seat of the Lord High Chancellor 
of England in the House of Lords is called the woolsack, from its being 
a large square bag of wool, without back or arms, covered with red 
cloth. Wool was the staple commodity of England in the reign of 
EIIW.VKD THE Timui, when the woolsack came first into use. It was 
fortunate for Chancellors that so agreeable a material offered itself for 
their seat, as if the staple commodity had been Hint arrow-heads, 
tenpenny nails, or Wenham Lake ice, their comfort might not have 
been so entirely complete. 

The House sat at two, in order to show that the Peers are wise men, 
and despise lunch. They regard it, as did a great epicure of the last 
generation ; namely, as an Insult to Breakfast and an Injury to Dinner. 

Prayers were read by the Bishop of Hereford, DR. JAMES ATLAY. 
Hereford is the capital of Herefordshire, and is a bishop's see, near 
the Wye. When a husband resembles it, in being near the why, that 
is, in thinking of demanding his wife's reason for doing or not doing 
anything, he had better go out of town and remain in fresh air and 
meditation until he shall have regained his senses. 

EARL GRANVILLE, Colonial Secretary, sat on the Ministerial bench. 
He was doubtless prepared to answer any question that might be put 
to him as to any of the Colonies. Our colonies and dependencies em- 
brace, affectionately, about one-third of the surface of the globe, and 

nearly a fourth of its population. Their area is more than Four Mil- 
lions of square miles. Oar colonial and dependencial population, at 
the latest returns, was 154,810,787. LORD GRANVILLE was ready to 
give information as to all or any of these places or people. Bat the 
House of Lords was as well informed as himself; at all events it was 
not considered necessary to ask him a single question. EARL DE GREY, 
Lord President of the Council, sat by him, affably. 

There was not anybody on any of the Opposition benches. This, we 
think, is a gratifying fact. It showed that there was no immediate 
disposition on the part of the Conservatives to harass the Administra- 
tion by raising factious questions. LORD MALMESBURY has solemnly 
handed over the leadership of Opposition to LORD CAIRNS, who will 
doubtless take many an opportunity to 

" Show what the Arm of Old Erin has in it." 

But, ever just, Mr. Punch compliments the Conservatives for not 
having come down to the House for mischief. He thinks it exceeding 
probable that they all forgot that the Lords had adjourned until this 
day, and not the following Tuesday, but there are so few occasions on 
which we can safely say a civil thing about anybody, that we pounce 
with hawk-like avidity upon any chance of being polite. This is a sad 
world for disillusioning of people. Punch heard the other day that a 
publican, in a road much frequented by the humbler class when they 
take holiday, had subscribed two pounds towards a drinking-fountain 
near his place. "Noble fellow," said Mr. Punch. "It would seem 
the last thing a vender of liquors ought to be expected to do." So 
Mr. Punch went into the liberal man's hostelry, and ordered refresh- 
ment. While consuming it, he pleasantly complimented his temporary 
host on his goodness in the matter of the fountain. He was an honest 
and frank man. " I 'd pay a deal more than that, Sir." he said. " to save 
the bother of children coming in, on busy days, and asking for drinks 
o* water. You can't refuse ^m, but it 's greatly in the way of busi- 
ness." But this is a digression, and we now come to the next item in 
the proceedings of the day. 

The BISHOP OF DBRRY,a Representative Prelate, whose name is 
WILLIAM ALEXANDER, D.I)., took the oaths and his seat. Dcrry is 
the same as Londonderry, but we presume that when the disestablish- 
ment takes place, the English half of the word will be finally cut away. 
Derry is situated on the Foyle, and therefore foiled all KINO JAMES s 
army for many months (see Pinnock, also Mangnall. if you don't believe 
us). In the favourite chorus, " down, Derry doten, the famous siege is 
commemorated, only Deny did not go down. But this is a trifle when 
an antiquarian fact has to oe assumed. 

It was then felt that the House should address itself to serious busi- 
ness, and the Colonial Secretary rose. We usually put an extra 
hydraulic screw upon speeches, but we shall give this m full : 

" I move that your Lordships adjourn to Tuesday next." 

This speech appears to us to be as nearly perfect as possible in a world 
of imperfect tenses. Every word was needed. It might have been 
shortened, had the Earl said, " you " instead of " your Lordships." 
but something is dne to traditional courtesy. " To Toosday " would 
have sounded ill" grated," as LORD CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN says, 
from an old-fashioned speaker, but LORD GRAXVILLE is an accom- 
plished linguist, and hit the happy mean (not that the mean can ever 
De happy) between the " too " and " tew." Were we hypercritical we 
might say that " next " might have been omitted, as the proximate day 
is always taken for granted when a date is not given, yet precision 
should mark the utterances of a legislator. Non ofendar macula is a 
good rule, except when they are spots produced on the shirt-front by 
carelessness over your soup. 

The House of Peers rose at ten minutes past two. 

We have depicted a placid scene. The torrent's smoothness ere it 
dash below. But in the Orcadti of THORMODUS To&r JEUS, and also in 
BARTHOLINUS, is a Norse song -. 

" Ere the ruddy sun be set, 

Pikes must shiver, javelins sing, 
Blade with clattering buckler meet, 

Hauberk crash, and helmet ring. 
Sisters, hence, with spurs of speed, 

Each her thundering falchion wield, 
Each bestride her sable steed. 

Hurry, hurry to the field ! 

Imitate the Moon. 

IF you are a wise man you will treat the World as the Moon treats 
it. Show it only one side of yourself, seldom show yourself too much 
at a time, and let what you show be calm, cool, and polished. But look 
at every side of the World. 


THE idiot who writes to ask if DRUITT on Winet was published at 
Stockton-on-Tees is beneath anybody's notice. 







'Chaw.' "WHY, THIS 'EKE OWD Zow." 




" Polotiius. Do you know me, my Lord ? 

" Hamlet. Excellent well. Tou are a FISHMONGER. 

" Poloniut. Not I, my Lord. 

" Hamlet. Then I would you were aa honest a man." 

Samlet, Act ii. Scene 2. 

" THE immortal 7 WILLIAMS" down upon it, as usual ! 
Although the Fishmongers' Company had not yet, in his 
time, hoisted the true blue flag, as the Liberal Phoenix 
of City companies, his prophetic pen has bracketed for 

And now GLADSTONE, whom, in his opinions, his 
enemies declare to be "neither fish, flesh, fowl, nor good 
red herring," but 'in | whom Punch devoutly believes as 
honest man, is, in sober earnest, the Fishmonger that 
Hamlet's "wild and whirling words" dubbed Polonivs.^ 
From this time forth he can at once enjoy the Fishmongers' 
room and the Fishmongers' Company, and will find it 
hard to say that ,the one is better than the other, the first 
being the most stately of halls, as the second is the most 
go-ahead of guilds. 

And why should Ministers not be Fishmongers ? Unless, 
indeed, it be thought that to become free of the Fish- 
mongers is lese-majeste in Ministers to their own special 

Otherwise, the connection between Ministers and Fish- 
mongers is obvious and manifold. Like the Apostles, 
Ministers are fishers of men. In the way of votes all is 
fish that conies to their net odd fish or flat fish, fresh fish 
or stale fish, fish with scales (to weight them in) and more 
without, fish with tails (like the large family of the Tad- 
poles) and fish with no more tail than WHALLEY. 

Everybody has enjoyed their flounders when in diffi- 
culties ; has heard their opponents denounce their bills 
as " fishy." and has seen them trying to cobble up a bad 
measure by help of fresh soles and 'eels. Who ever 
knew a ticklish negotiation, when a certain Lord was at 
the F.O., but he was charged with helping to mull itP 
Above all. their demand for place is, as a rule, rather over 
the supply. They will take any quantity that is offered, 
and seldom care how high they bid against each, other to 
secure it. 

Algebraic Etiquette. 

IT is polite to believe a man to be rich unless he 
bears signs of poverty. As in algebra, plus is understood 
when there is no minus presented. 


(See the Speech of the CARDINAL ARCHBISHOP at the Dublin banquet) 
AIR " We may roam through thu world." 

WE may roam through this world, North and South, West and 

For the soles of our feet and our faith seeking rest, 
From the kingdoms of earth we know best and like least, 

To the kingdoms of earth we know least and like best ; 
But if peace in this world and place in Heaven 

Are the choicest blessings that life supplies, 
Seek these where Infallibility's leaven 

Helps poor mortality's dough to rise 
In that land of lauds where the POPE sits crowned, 

Where Faith is at anchor, and Truth at home, 
Where Doubt is dumbfoundered and Heresy bound, 

Seek these in that Heaven upon Earth called Home ! 

Poor England in constant hot water is kept 

By heretical jangle and wrangle and brawl ; 
Through her Church's pale blind Reason has crept, 

And with fruits of faith pkyed the deuce and all. 
Ah, she wants the high and holy fence 

Which round Home's blessed dominion dwells, 
Admitting belief while it shuts out sense, 

And reason's bewildering light repels. 
Then remember who in the flesh sits crowned 

'Neath the one true cross on St. Peter's dome; 
In the deluge of doubt who would not be drowned, 

Must ship in the Ark PBTER'S bark at Rome ! 

France under Imperial colours may sail ; 
Her Coif re de Bismarck let Prussia try : 

Spain may make PATRONICIO and CLARET turn tail, 

And Italy bid the Church good-bye 
Pio NONO on bay'nets be forced to sit, 

French cannon guard Civita Vecchia's shore, 
Rome loves the gag and adores the bit, 

More kisses her rod as she 's whipped the more : 
Then remember, when nations run their round 

As by reason's will of the wisp they roam, 
In one spot faith's steady light is found, 

And that is the Heaven upon Earth, called Rome ! 


Tnus says the Leading Journal : 

" EARTHQUAKE TIMES. The citizens of San Francisco have formed a com- 
mittee to inquire into the means of preventing or lessening the destruction of 
property by earthquakes. The bricks used in building are reported to be very 
defective, and it is proposed to adopt a method of bracing buildings with kon 

A good precaution. But wouldn't it be better to construct the 
houses, as to their framework, altogether of iron, and build them on 
springs ? Here is a suggestion for the benefit of any enterprising 
speculators whom the revival of credit may dispose to invest capital in 
a promising speculation. How much for the idea ? " Gentlemen 
Capitalists," as Cabby says, " Leave it to you." 

A Joint Stock Company could be formed for the purpose of supplying 
the San Franciscans and others in like case with iron architecture. 
Then iron might be profitably exchanged for gold. 

two guineas. 

FEBRUAHY 20, 1869.] 




Do the boots ordinarily worn by the EMFEROK or 
THE FRENCH consist of common or patent leather? 
Because M. ROUIIER. the other day, in the French 
Senate, replying to M. DE MAUPAS, spoke as follows : 

" You want to cover the responsibility of the Sovereign ? 
I declare to you that it is this very responsibility which will 
be his glory and las grandeur. As for us, obscure servant*, . 
we have no pretension to enlarge the pnrt allotted to us. 
You talk about a President of the Council. It is a puerility. 
"We are devoted, and that is all." 

The fpregoini? effusion deserves a reward, and the 
form this should take depends upon the substance of 
the Imperial boots. Were Louis NAPOLEON to honour 
us with a visit, and perambulate this metropolis, he 
would probably be now and then accosted by the cadets 
(not cads) who constitute a certain Brigade of Foot, so 
to speak, in the Public Service, with cries of " Clean 
your boots, Sire, clean your boots ! " One of these ! 
youths might be a lad of some education, accustomed 
to read the papers. Suppose the EMPEROR were ! 
pleased to have nis boots cleaned perchance by such a 
member of the brigade, and then, struck by his intelli- 
gent appearance, were to ask " What is your name P " 


The bright young brigadier might answer " ROUHER." 
To clean boots of patent leather you want only a 
moist cloth. But if M. Rounzn's master is accus- 
tomed to wear boots that require polishing, the 
recompense which his " obscure servant " has merited 
by the above-quoted adulation is a set of brushes and a 

(Dropped in Pleasant Plaee.) 

On, let the Church be an absolute Monarchy. 
Severed from State, cries MR. MACKONOCHIE. 


DlGOERT Diggery dock, 
A gen I 'm ganging bock. 

From the " FaMotu" : 


An Assignee indeed ! 
But none to you would go, we 're sure, 

Except an an in need. 



WE hope there is no'' truth in what this Correspondent states, 
although the journal whence we cite it is not renowned for letting 
falsehoods be inserted in itsjcolumns : 

" There are hundreds'of hard-worked Civil Sen-ants whose incomes are 
barely sufficient to keep'body and soul together. They have been for a long 
time crying out (after a smothered fashion) that their salaries have become 
so reduced in value, through the increased cost of living, that they find it next 
to impossible to pay their way and support their families in common decency. 
. . . The persons I refer to are clerks in outlying Government department* 
of twelve to twenty years' hard service, on salaries of from 100 to 200 a year ; 
highly intelligent, indefatigable fellows, many of them, without whose patient 
industry their well-paid chiefs whose principal duty it is to attach tbeir im- 

portant autographs to the productions of others' brains would cut a sorry 
figure, indeed. These are the persons, I expect, on whom the first-fruits and. 
benefits of financial reform will fall with a vengeance. Secretaries of State, 
Chancellors of the Exchequer, and ' my Lords ' know nothing of them. They 
are too small to be recognised * parts of the Government machinery, and their 
cries rarely reach the atmosphere which surrounds ' my Lords.' " 

Retrenchment, it is true, is now the order of the day, but in aiming 
at retrenchment the nation, we should hope, has no desire for robbery. 
Now it really would be robbery to cut down the small pay of some 

Soor devil of a clerk, to whom the cost of living has of late been nearly 
oubled. Good work deserves good pay : and if MR. BULL expects to 
have his books well kept, and his income well collected, he must not 
starve the men who often have the means of cheating him. 



[FEBRUARY 20, 1869. 


(Being from " Home " of course the Theatre here represented is 

not the Ilaymarket.) 


SCENE Interior of the Royal Bertie Theatre, on the first night of a 
peculiar Comedy, by MR. WOBBISON. 

Wall Keeper. Yes, Sir. (Reads our numbers.) Stalls 67 and 99. 
Friend (astonished). Here, they 're together. 

Stall Keeper (finding he has turned one card upside down) . Beg pardon. 
Yes, Sir so many people to (Calls to invisible assistant) Sixty-six 
and Sixty-seven. (We descend.) 

** We are fortunate in the position of our Stalls, and especially in 

finding ourselves near a remarkably WELL-INFORMED PERSON 

who apparently belongs to a party of six. On his right is an 

ELDERLY LADY with riie-iihisses, and, next to her, a younger 

Lady. On his left two Gentlemen, one evidently being a visitor 

to Town, determined to see as much as possible in a short time. 

Well-informed Person. I chose this night because it 's the first of the 

new piece, and you "11 see all the Theatrical and Literary notabilities here. 

Elderly Lady (referring to bill, under a sort of impression that she 'II 

find their names down there). Indeed ! 

\_Rustling in the Stalls. Enter a brilliant party of two Ladies and 
two Gentlemen. They nod and smile to several people in the back : 
row. While the Ladies are settling themselves down, the Gentle- ' 
men nod and smile to various persons in the front rows, as if\ 
congratulating themselves and everybody else on having done \ 
something curiously clever and witty in being there at all. When j 
the party is seated, they are acknowledged by other parties in 
private boxes. More nodding and smiling. 

Lady (just come in to Gentleman with her). There 's MRS. PURKKT 
up in that box. (Inclines herself graciously to Lady in box, who returns 
the salute. A Gentleman! s head appears from behind the box-curtain, and 
bows and smiles to Lady in Stalls, then nods somewhat jovially to her 
companion. The idea conveyed to a looker-on is, that if they were not 
separated by their respective positions from one another, they would all rush 
into each other's arms, so pleased do they appear at the mutual recognition. 
The dialogue in Stalls continues.} What has MRS. PURKET done to her 
hair ? I never saw such a - 

Gentleman. Saw PCRKET driving a pair to-day. They seem to be 
going it. Can't last. (Recognises more people, smiles and nods.) 

Well-informed Person (to Gentleman on his left). I say (sot to voce) you 
see that man there with the brown moustache ? (After general mistakes, 
friend hits upon the right individual.) Well that 's the Proprietor of 
the - (Voice sinks into whisper). 

Friend from country. No! is it? (Inspects the Gentleman in question 
with curiosity.) Does he write much ? 

Well-informed Person (with some contempt). Write ! No, of course 
not. Enormous fortune. (Turns to Lady.) See that tall man just 
come in ? 

Lady (with glasses). Yes. (Feels deeply interested. Young Lady 

Well-informed Person. That 'a (Sinks his voice, and tells her who 

THAT it.) 

Elderly Lady (feeling that she ought to know all about him). Really. 
(Considers.) Let me see, he wrote - 

Well-informed Person. Wrote ! Why he writes all those pieces at 
the Magnet Theatre. Don't you recollect you liked 'em so much. 

ly Luil H. Oh yes, of course. (Inspects him again, as though with 

Well-informed Permit (in/enselyexcited). Look ! there's SMUGS, who 
writes in the Fac-Simile Gazette, he 's shaking hands with CLIPPDN 
that's CLIPPUN who wrote the Traitor's Daughter. SMUGG walked 
into him the other day cut him up awfully in the Fae-Simue. 

Swell (in answer to a Friend). Always come first night of a piece. 
Something 's sure to go wrong, or stick, and the Prompter s such fun. 
First Orilic (to Second Critic).. Is WOBBISON here ? 
Second Critic. Yes, saw him just now. Up there in a box. 

[WOBBISON'S head suddenly bobs forward in a private box. He u 
recognised by several friends below, who give him an eneourtignig 
smile. WOBBISON retires to the back of the box, and thinks 
it 's getting confoundedly hot. Gallery and Pit show signs of 
impatience. WOBBISON irritably wonders why the dickens (hey 
can't begin. WELL-INFORMED PKKSON, who has been pointing 
out a totally different person as WOBBISON, falls a peg or two 
in his friend's estimation. 

Amateur Critic (distantly connected with the Papers). The piece is 
from the French yes I recollect it years ago. Old BARILLON played 
in it at the Gymnase. 

Professional Critic (seeing capital to be made out of this information.) 
What was the name of the piece ? 

Amateur Critic (considering). Oh shall forget my own name soon; 
ah, dear me, yes of course L'Homme. 

First Act received with rapturous applause. Everyone called, including 
the scene-painter. 

In the I/)bby. 

Enthusiastic Friend. Capital, isn't it ? best thing he 's done ! Out 
and out ! ! 

Cautious Friend. Well, it's nice and pleasing; but nothing very 

ii MI 10 tn see. if he ' writing a play note.) 

Young Lail/i (iiitereslfd). Who is it, Mamma? 

Mnniiua. Well, I (quietly to daughter) I didn't quite catch the name, 
but I '11 ask MR. TOPLIN again presently. 

Well-informed Person (nodding delightedly to a tall severe-looking 
Person). Did you see that man I was nodding to ? 

His Friend ( proud of hi m) . Yes. Who is it? 

Well-informed Person. That's JIGGERSBY, of the Piccadilly. 

Hit Friend (as if he had expected something quite different). Is it 
really ? (To Young Man.) That 's JIGGERSBY, you know, of the Pic- 
cadillyfYotmff Man, uninterested in everybody except a very pretty girl 
iritli light Iniir in n private /m.r) JIGGERSBY, you know, who wrote 

I mi/iff Man (seeing a handsome Lii'ly with the Gentleman pointed out 
as 3 IGGKRSBY.) Who 's that with er what 's-his-name, eh ? 

Well-informed Person (who hasn't got the slightest idea). That's his 
wit'p, / think. {Young Man uses Opera-glasses. 

nn (installs, talking earnestly). Did you see that re- 
view of GROUGHIN'S book in the Mausol' 

Second Lit. Yes who did it ? 

Third Lit. Don't know but it seems GROUGHIN got all his plot from 
an old Hindostanee romance, &c. 

\_Thty lay their heads together, and reveal to each other awful liti'n/ry 

Enthusiastic Friend (icho hales a middle opinion). Oh, it's admirable ! ! 
splendid ! ! ! 

[Continues to jabber about the excellency of the piece until he creates 

a. positive antagonism to it, himself, and WOBBISON. 
Amateur Critic (who has had several pieces declined with thanks, depre- 
citttiix/ly). All from the French good but nothing original. 

Jl'u/itmon's Professional Friends (eagerly). What? eh? from the 
French P 

[Amateur Critic, having obtained an audience, repeat* his information. 
In the meantime, as we walk about, everyone is how-d'ye-doing 
everyone else, and the Private Box doors are, as it were, thrown 
open to the public. The WELL-INFORMED PERSON comes out 
very strongly here. 

Well-informed Person (loudly). I was at the Turret Theatre the other 
night seen it ? No ? bosh. (Taps Friend on shoulder, and subdues his 
tone). There 's COPPALEEN BAWN. (Pointing out an elderly gentleman 
in a glossy hut.) 

Friend (as if this "must " be impossible.) No. 

Well-informed Person. Yes : he 's made about two hundred thousand 
pounds by one play. 

[Friend staggered, having hitherto held a vague idea that dramatists 

produced their pirns merely fur the fun of the thing. 
Second Act commences. Every one charmed, t/n/n : /li less so than icith 
the First Act. Slight hissing somewhere, apparently fur no particular 
reason. Great applause. 

Amateur Critic (reporting of the piece afterwards when, we come, across 
him nt ,t Club). Success? 'Not a bit. First Act went well; but the 
Second was hissed off the stage, Sir. 
Friend (interested). How did the Third Act go ? 
Amateur Critic (who prides himself upon not brii/ii carr'n'd mrny by the 
vulgar i-n/hiixii/sm). Flatly. Wants cutting. It is delightfully acted. 
(ife allows this in order to account for a success.) But as a piece not 
up to the original French. 

Knter WOBHISON, to Supper. 

Amateur Critic (///////// him). Hullo ! WoiiBY. I think you must 
be satisfied with the way your piece was played, hey? 

Wobbixtjn (modestly). Yes. It seemed to go very well. Hope 'twill 
be a success. 

Amateur Critic (as heartily as he can). Hope so, I'm sure. Luck's 
everything. (Thinks he has hit WOBBISON hard there, and can now 
make a good exit) Good night. 

[Exit, and thinks to himself how he. 'II finish his little Comedy, and 
have it ready in case WOBBISON'S doesn't do. 

And so we finish the evening, with a not very clear idea of the piece, 
and an undecided opinion as to its merits, and we think to ourselves 
that if we want to form a correct judgment about a piece, we will not 
again go to see it amid the bustle, heat, confusion, and excitement of a 
First Night. 

Quoth Robert Lowe. 

ECONOMY in the abstract makes a good cry for office ; but economy 
ia the concrete makes a bad foundation for popularity. 

FKBKUAHY 27, 1869.] 







FEBRUARY 10. Tuesday. The QUEEN'S Speech was read by LORD 
CHANCELLOR HATHERLEY, his first appearance as a reader of QUEEN'S 
Speeches. MR. GLADSTONE had not given him a great deal to do. 

1. HER MAJESTY recurred to the advice of Parliament as early as 

Ministerial arrangements had permitted. 

2. Did so with special interest, at a time when the Popular branch 

had been chosen with the advantage of a greatly enlarged enfran- 
chisement of her faithful and loyal people. 

3. All right with Foreign Powers. Believed that they desired to 

keep the peace. 

4. Rejoiced that there was nothing serious in the Levant. 

5. Hoped to place friendship with America on a firm basis. 

0. Grieved at disturbances m New Zealand. Was confident that the 

Colonists would take care of themselves. 
7. The Estimates would show A DIMINISHED CHARGE UPON THE 


We need not continue to suspend Irish Habeas Corpus. 
Can we have further guarantee for purity and liberty at Parlia- 

mentary and Municipal elections ? 
Poorest class of Hate-payers to be relieved. 
Scotch Education to be improved. 
Also English Endowed Schools. 
Invent Financial Boards to control the County rate. 
Reform in Bankruptcy. Abolition of Imprisonment for Debt. 

considered at, an early date. 

(a) Regard to be shown to every legitimate interest. 

(b) Welfare of Religion to be promoted through equal justice. 

(c) Undivided feeling of Ireland to be secured on the side of 

loyalty and law. 

(J) Memory of former contentions to be effaced. 
(e) ~ 




Sympathies of an affectionate people to be cherished. 

That was what LORD HATHERLEY bad to say, and the intelligent 
reader, even without the help of the SMALL c ATITALS, might perceive 
that there were only two points of much interest. He may just note 
that No. 3 means that it is politic to seem to think that France and 
Prussia do not want to quarrel, though the former is nagging viciously 
at the latter, through Belgium. No. 5 meant that nothing was settled 
with America, except the Yacht-match, and if the Speech had been 
delayed forty-eight hours, the QUEEN would have had to mention that 
America rejects the Reverdy-Johnson Convention. No. 6 means 
that the New Zealand colonists, who grumbled at our soldiers, are not 
going to have them again, but must fight the Maori on their own hook. 
No. 9 is interpreted by sundry to mean that the Government are inclined 
to the Ballot. No. 11 we seem to have heard once or twice before. 

There was another thing which might as well have been mentioned 
in the Speech, except that it is gracious for a Queen to say as little 
about disagreeable matters as may be. The HUME SECRETARY, the 
next evening, gave notice of a measure for the Repression of Crime. 

Nos. 7 and 15, meaning Reduced Expenses and Irish Church Dis- 
establishment, will be the great texts for Parliamentary preaching upon. 

As for the Debates on the Address, they really do not deserve so 
hard a name. Honey on velvet, flowers, compliments, everything that 
is delightful. LORD CAIRNS, the learned lawyer and brilliant debater, who 
has succeeded dear MALMESBURY as leader of the Opposition, has 
nothing to find fault with, and was blandness itself. LORD GRANVILLE 
is always polite, and to-night expressed modest concern that he had to 
succeed, as leader, one who had made himself a great name in history, 
EARL RUSSELL. We believe that LORD CAIRNS was going in the 
excess of his good humour to say ",So have I," bat was pulled down 
by his moral coat-tails. All was over by seven. 

In the Commons announcement was made by MR, GLADSTONE that 
on Monday, the 1st of March, he should reveal his Irish Church 

LORH EUSTACE CECIL (brother of LORD SALISBURY) means to deal 
with the tradesfolk, Pancras vestrymen or others, who use fraudulent 
weights and measures, and Mr. Ptmck hereby pledges himself to stand 
by LORD EUSTACE in this crusade. 




[FEBRUARY 27, 1869. 

The Honourable HENRY COWPER moved the Address, which was 
seconded by MR. MUNUBLLA, new Member for Sheffield. MR. Dis- 
KAKI.I thought that the former had spoken with ability. Doubtless the 
latter thought so about himself. 

Really, MR. DISRAELI and MR. GLADSTONE were so courteous and 
civil to one another, thatPtMoi had better refer the universe to his 
Cartoon, for an idea of the impression produced upon him. 

MR. WHITE asked why the Speech said nothing about Spain. 

MR. GLADSTONE replied, that as the work of the Spaniards was in- 
complete, it would have' been premature to talk about it, but that they 
had, of course, our best sympathy. As MR. WHITE is a China mer- 
chant, it seems to Mi: Punch that the Honourable Member for 
Brighton might more properly have inquired why we heard nothing of 
the new treaty by which we are bound not to cut off an offending 
Chinaman's pigtail ourselveSj but to remit him for Imperial justice. 

Some of the lesser stars blazed out a little. MR. NEWDEGATE inge- 
niously suggested that the reason why the Spanish revolution had not 
been mentioned was that it was a heavy blow and a great discourage- 
ment to the POPE, whose friends in the Government did not like to 
allude to the subject. Surely, MR. NEWDEGATE must have said this 
to oblige WIIALLEY he could not have meant such nonsense on his 
own account. 

MR. MACFIE, Member for Leith, was pleased that Scotland was 
mentioned in the Speech. This was becomingly humble, as all that 
was said of Scotland was, that her education would bear improving. 

MR. M'MAHON was not pleased that there was no mention of a new 
Reform Bill for Ireland. What, another ! Come, has not Ireland got 
her share of the programme for tin's Session ? 

SIR P. O'BfiiEN hoped that Government would let Fenian bygones 
be bygones in Ireland. 

MR. HADFIELD spoke ill of Bishops, and hoped that they would all 
be ejected from the House of Lords, their restoration to which was one 
of the blackest pages in history. Hereat was laughter, and the speaker 
then sneered at the Bishops as old tutors and schoolmasters. The 
venerable schismatic must have been getting crusty for want of his 
dinner. The House may have felt this, for the Address was instantly 
voted, and we were up by 7'45. 

Wednesday. Symptoms that the halcyon days will not last. LORD 
ROBERT MONTAGUE brought in a Bill about Cattle, and MR. HEADLAM 
promised to defeat it if he could. 

Thursday. The young DUKE OP NORFOLK, Earl of Arundel and of 
Surrey, Baron Fitz-Alan,Clun, Oswaldestre, and Maltravers, descendant 
of him of whom we have all read : 

" The murdered Surrey's love, the tears of GEUALDIXE," 

took the oath and appeared as Hereditary Earl Marshal, Premier Duke 
and Earl of England. 

My Lords grumbled a deal because the Ministers will not give them 
Bills to discuss. Specially they demanded the Bankruptcy Bill, but the 
CHANCELLOR urged that it contains so much that affects the trading 
interest as to be a measure which the Commons ought first to have. 

A graceful announcement was made in both Houses. The QUEEN 
desired to receive, in Person, the Addresses in reply to the Speech 
from the Throne. It was stated that Her Majesty had been most 
anxious to open the Reformed Parliament ; but, said MR. GLADSTONE, 
the Sovereign ." had been suffering, more than usual, from severe 
head-ache, and to a degree which precluded the required exertion." 
Tbat simple and homely language should be felt to be appropriate, and 
in tone with the affectionate relations which QUEEN VICTORIA has ever 
held with her people. 

The Constitution, however, is always remembered, and English 
statesmen never forget precedent. It is exceptional for the Houses to 
attend a monarch with addresses, unless the Speech to which they 
reply has been delivered in person. One exception was made 
after the battle of Trafalgar, and MR. GLADSTONE thought that ours 
was somewhat of a kindred case, " the celebration of a great and 
peaceful triumph, which largely extends the liberties of the people." 
MR. DISRAELI held it "important and desirable that some personal 
relations should be established between the QUEKN and the new Par- 
liament," but desired all precaution against the establishment of a 
precedent. SIR LAWRENCE PALK, of East Devon, winced at MR. 
GLADSTONE'S mention of a triumph, and protested against any con- 
gratulation on a " political " victory. Of course, in both Houses the 
assent to the Royal visit was unanimous. 

In the Commons the Right Hon. JOHN BRIGHT cave his first 
Ministerial answer it was to say that the Portpatrick lighthouse 
would probably extinguish its light. 

Do vou know what Hypothec is? Find out. Or you may save 
yourselves the trouble, as it is going to be abolished. 
^ MR. FORSTER brought in his Bill for reconstituting Endowed 
Schools. Ihere is also to be an Examining Council, which is to have 
compulsory power, and to give certificates to masters and scholars. 

There will be an Irish row presently. MR. JOHNSTON, remote Tory, 
and the O DONOGHUE, remote Liberal, combine to have the Party 

! Processions Act repealed. Whack ! Your sowls to glory ! Ubbubboo, 
&c., &c. 

Friday. It was announced, in both Houses, that HER MAJESTY 
would receive the Addresses on the following Monday. But the 
nation next day heard, with sorrow, that the illness of the PRINCE 
LEOPOLD would detain his Royal Mother at Osborne. 

Two matters of different interest presented themselves in the House 
of Commons. A protest, raised by LORD ELCHO, and seconded by the 
Chief Commissioner of Works, against a useless and hideous viaduct 
to be raised in the rear of the beautiful Embankment ; and a revelation, 
I by MR. FOWLER, of such atrocities, perpetrated by our allies the Boers, 
upon the miserable Kaffirs, as may here only be alluded to. We arm 
the Boers, and refuse arms to the Kaffirs, so that the savage murder 
of the latter is easy and the Boers do worse than murder. It seems 
that we cannot interfere, but we can cease to sell guns to the Boers 
and this has been ordered. About as revolting a bit of detail this 
night, as you shall iiiid in your Parliamentary annals, MR. PHILISTINE 


THE Times Correspondent at Athens lets in' a startling light on the 
little game of the last Greek Cabinet, or rather its head, M. BULGARES. 

It seems that M. BULGARES came into office a year ago with a pro- 
gramme of peace, retrenchment, and administrative reform, very much 
of the cut of MR. GLADSTONE'S, in short. 

During eight months he carried out a policy in the teeth of his pro- 
gramme, blowing up the coals of war, increasing expenditure, and 
reforming nothing. 

At last, having emptied the national till, being unable to raise a 
penny on the security of Greek credit, and his Financial Minister 
being at his wits' end not a very long journey, M. BULGARES found 
himself on the horns of a dilemma, between resignation and bank- 
ruptcy. The only thing like hard cash within reach was the specie in 
the National Bank, and the only way to get hold of that was by plowing 
the trumpet of war till the Chamber voted a war contribution of a 
million drachmas, and gave the Minister leave to get the money when- 
ever he could find it. And then M. BULGARES walked into the bank, 
and swept out its specie-drawer. Then came, in rapid succession, the 
I Crisis, the Conference, and the Collapse. Greece is left humiliated 
and sulky, with its paper-currency inconvertible, its industry stagnant, 
i and its property insecure. 

| Mr. Punch, on the faith of these facts, would ask leave to alter a 
proverb and a name. 

For the well-known line 

" When Greek meets Greek then comes the tug of war," 
he would propose to read henceforth 

" When Greek robs Greek then comes the talk of war ; " 

and the "BULGARES Cabinet" he would have re-christened the 
" Burglarious Cabinet." 

Strange Food. 

WITH horse the daring epicure 

His palate oft regales, 
Feeds upon toadstools, nor impure 

Accounts a dish of snails ; 
" And under Marlow Bridge ah, why, 

My friends," he says, " should we 
With eating canine suckling pie 

Reproach the Thames Bargee ? " 

Carried without a Division. 

A DINNER was lately given at one of the great hotels, to bring the 
Australian preserved nieat into notice. If, by the introduction into 
England of these provisions, whicli seem to be moderate in price, some 
of those amongst us who now seldom, if ever, taste animal food, can 
get a good nourishing meal, everyone must wish success to such a 
meritorious case of Dish-establishment. 

Reversing the Order of Things. 

AT a recent meeting of the " Victoria Institute " a paper was read 
" On the Doctrine of Creation, according to DARWIN, AGASSIZ, and 
MOSES." Would it not have been more reverent if the last of_these 
three names had been placed first f 


Clerk in Gcil Service, log. " Ministers don't say this time that the 
Estimates have been framed with a due regard to economy. Haw ! 
No ! Fact is, they 've been framed with an undue regard to economy." 

FEBRUARY 27, 1869.] 




CNCH is indebted 
to the ^fuxi<al 
If'orltlfor calling 
bis attention to 
the following bit 
of keenness and 
justice. He did 
not see, at first, 
what the topic 
had to do with 
music ; but, on 
second thoughts, 
the wisdom of 
the editor of the 
M. W. in extract- 
ing the passage 
became evident 
those who praise 
snch trash as 
perform on (lie 
instrument called 
which the M. W. 
has of course a 
right to criti- 
cise : 

"The New York 
Weekly Jttntv, 
discoursing npon 
the Atlantic Mon- 
thly, sayi : 

" In another part 
of the same maga- 
zine, the reader is 
told that whenever 

MB. WALT WHITMAN speaks, ' you hear the voice of a man.' The fact that 
Mu. \S HITMAN is ' a man,' ought to be pretty well understood by this time, 
:< minus emphasis and minute particularity with which If H. 
WHITMAN himself has described his physical attributes, to say nothing of the 
stress which hi* , riiira! admirers have laid upon his virility. Could it not be 
ngreed, all round, once for all, that Mu. WHITMAN u 'a man,' and a very 
large and heavy one, so that the topic may be set at rest ? Its disappearance 
from the field of literary discussion would be a great relief. The statement 
that Mu. WHITMAN is a poet, would still remain for controversy, and surely 
that is sufficiently exasperating, in view of the copious catalogues, suggestive 
of nothing so much, as a crazy auctioneer, which MK. WHITMAN continues to 
publish under the name of poetry." 

If the M. W. sees any more such good bits, we shall be glad to read 
them in its pages, which we observe have lately become replete with a 
serener wisdom than of yore. Perhaps RABELAIS teat a little over the 
heads of the majority of musical folk. Still. Punch hopes it will occa- 
sionally leud the good service due from all educational journals towards 
demolishing Shams, whereof there is no greater than MR. WHITMAN 
we say it, even at tlie risk of bringing on an American Wi 

i War. 


A VERY pretty story of tarring and feathering comes by a recent 
Melbourne letter. A person of the name of BLACK went to survey 
some mining property, and was laid hold of by a gang of ruffians, who 
tarred him, and then coated him with " fragments of wool, straw, or 
whatever rubbish came to hand." But BLACK is evidently a very long- 
headed roan, and instead of divesting himself of his uncomfortable 
attire he had it "taken off" by a photographer. With this negative 
argument in his favour he goes into court claiming two thousand 
pounds damages. We heartily hope he will obtain a verdict. 

" Cheer, Boys, Cheer ! " 

ONE of the first things the House of Commons did, was to appoint a 
Committee to control the amusements of the kitchen and refreshment- 
rooms, and, very wisely too, to place an Alderman upon it. As another 
prominent member is r RENCH, and VIVIAN has a convivial sound about 
it, the prospects of the Parliamentary cuisine may altogether be con- 
sidered good cheerful. 


VICTORY ! Victory ! Glorious news, my Punch. Only look at this -. 

" The great ladies of Paris have determined to abolish chignons. False 
> be repudiated, and women air to appear as if they dressed their own 

hair. In th> hair in to be simply plaited and confined in a net. 

In the evening it will only be needful to put on the head a crown, or u 
wreath of roses or ivy, or some other creeping plant." 

A Las let chignons ! be our battle-cry in England, now that Common 
Sense has won the fight in France. What great ladies do the leas are 
sure to imit:. Miore wigs for women! No more borrowed 
plumes to bedizen silly jackdaws ! No more piling up of Pelion on 
Ossa, or, as wags would say, on 'Oss hair ! Ladies, for the future, or 
at any rate for the present, are to dress their heads an naturel, and 
only wear a crown, or else a wreath of roses, or some trifle of that sort. 
As they are to have the option, I would advise their wearing roses rather 
than a crown, for " uneasy lies the head that wears a crown," and only 
queens of fashion can be the fitting wearers of one. As for ladies 
wearing creepers in their hair, I see no harm in this, so long as they 
are only of a vegetable species. From creepers, such aa gregarines 
and other little insects, ladies' heads will now be free, and tats is more 
than could be said of them while chignons were in vogue. So long as 
these excrescences are worn, if I were a young man I should think 
twice before I asked a girl to give me a lock of her hair, leat I 
might discover it was hersTjy purchase only, when a microscope might 
show me certain little specimens of animated nature, imported possibly 
from Russia, and these would not increase my admiration or my love, 
SIMPLE Cntov. 

SCENE A Theatre. TIME Rehearsal. 

Manager. Here, where 's the fairy for the car ? Who is it ? 

Promoter. Miss MONTMORENCY, Sir, is the fairy. (To Callboy.) Call 
Miss MONTMORENCY. (Pause. Boy returns, and whispers Prompter.) 

Manager. Now then, where 's Miss 

Prompter. She left about half an hour ago. She said she had waited 
long enough, and her brougham was'.therc to fetch her. 

Manager (growls fearfully, then inquires). Well then, DELAMEKB 
where 's DELA 

Prompter (apologetically). Miss DELAMERK told me, Sir, to tell you 
when that her Mother was very ill, and she was obliged to go away 
in a hurry. 

Manager. And in a brougham, too. (Growls f but remembers the value 
of Stalls and Private Boxes.) Well, go on : this sort of thing won't do. 

j\'o it if on' t, and here's poor honest hard-working and pretty Miss 
SMITH at fifteen or twenty shillings a week, with shoes and lights to find, 
has had to stop here all the morning, dinnerless, and she can't leave on 
any account, or if she did, she 'd be fined. But you can't fine Stalls and 
Private Boxes, you know. An old story, perhaps, but one that doesn't 
come in badly now ye Gentlemen of England who sit in your stalls at 
EASE, and loot: at > 


So FRANCISO is to be King of Spain. What ? The late titular 
king, F. DE Assis P No, M'm, he sporteth on the Boulevards, and 
may sport. Don't you know that his name is FRANCISCO if 
women would only be accurate? It is Field Marshal DON FKAN- 
ciso SERRANO Y DOMINGUEZ, Duke de la Torre, born at Cadiz, 1810. 
What, Kiii-': 1 Well, as soon as the Cortes shall have Ten tied them- 
selves, he is to be head of all things, and to form a new Cabinet. That 
is uncommonly like Kingship, M'm. The Directory seems to_be hud 
on the shelf a new nation cannot produce a good one, like KELLY'S, 
or TH<IM'S. Kixi; SKH 11 \xn would sound very well. SKRI 
Spanish, means Montagnard in French, ind Highlander in K.ngfiril, 
So we may say of him, with the Princess in Love's Labour's Lost 

" Who e'er he be, he shows a mountain mind." 

It is possible, of course, that this mountain may bring forth a mouse in 
the shape of an insignificant king, of royal blood ; but if we were 
SKKKAXO, and PRIM didn't mind, and the army were affable, we should 
put it to the Spanish nation whether a native nobleman were not better 
than a foreign prince. And probably Echo would (as a great writer 
said) answer in the affirmative. 

Goody Four Shoes. 

HERE 's a chance ! The Strand Union is prepared to give twenty ! BY the more humane farriery which " The British Goodenongh 
pounds a year and part rations to a night nurse. Her hours are to be Horseshoe Company " wish to introduce, it appears that the horse is 
trom seven in the evening till seven in the morning. What munili- likely to be the gainer. On this account alone, therefore, the object of 

cence ! Almost as much as the wages of an errand boy. 

the company is good enough for us to wish it sue 



[FEBRUARY 27, 186?. 


Pupa. " T ! " 


Teacher. " AND WHAT COMES AFTER T ? " 



THERE never was known such a season ! 

So soft and so mild and serene, 
That Londoners looking the trees on, 

Stare to find that they 're black and not green. 
And the mildness has spread to the Session, 

And the Commons have 'countered in calm : 
And the " outs " on the men in possession 

For vials of wrath distil balm. 

O'er DIZZY grave GLADSTONE drops honey : 

For a kiss DIZZY drops bark and bite ; 
Each his compliments paying in money, 

Which, whatever its worth, looks all right. 
Then why should we look in their hearts 

Or the hands that upon them they lay ? 
Consummately both play their parts, 

Ajid gracefully each says his say. 

So Fontenoy's ranks prefaced burst 

Of battle with bows, ere they drew, 
The French Guards begging ours to fire first, 

While the English replied, " After you .' " 
Does this bow before battle presage 

That this Session's fight will enjoy 
Butchers' bills, such as redden the page 

Of Fame's ledger that holds Fontenoy ? 

Let us wait till politenesses pass, 

Nor pooh-pooh palaver and praise, 
As if we thought either the ass 

To believe his antagonist's phrase. 
At the shake-hands a set-to before 

The ring "o'er the left " points its thumb, 
* or it knows that, the handshaking o'er, 

There is tapping of claret to come ! 

The Queen's Speech. 

" The LORD CHANCELLOR read, on 
yesterday afternoon, to the assembled 
i'cers and Commons, a speech which, 
for directness, clearness, and grave 
dignity, will challenge comparison 
with any that have been put in the 
mouth of HER MAJESTY since her 
accession. A good cause, a knowledge 
that the nation is in thorough sym- 
pathy with the Government, and a 
clear view of the immediate exigen- 
cies of political progress in England, 
have helped MK. GLADSTONE to an 
exposition of Ms policy, at once simple 
and impressive, which stands out in 
marked contrast to the rhetorical 
cloud of phrases in which Mil. DIS- 
RAELI has been accustomed to mask 
his meaning, orhia want of meaning." 
Star, Wednesday. 

" The House of Commons, held to 
be the first which has hitherto repre- 
seiited ' the people,' and therefore de- 
serving of especial distinction and 
respect, was yesterday convened to 
listen to a Koyal Speech which, in 
sub.stunee, was retailed to the public 
by a daily contemporary on Monday 
last. Save in respect to its closing 
paragraphs, it is not a very provoca- 
tive speech. Its style is feeble and 
stilted, it is clumsy in construction, 
its language is vague and affected, 
and its promises of useful legislation 
are meagre in the extreme; but we 
are not disposed to criticise too harshly 
a document composed under peculiar 
difficulty, and evidently inspired by 
the maxim, ' the least said the soonest 
mended.' " Standard, Wednesday. 

An Unlucky Blow. 

THE Scotsman, says that during the very high wind, the other day, a 
lady who had been drawing five hundred pounds out of the National 
Bank was surprised to see several notes fly off, some of them over the 
housetops. Many of the notes still remain so high that the tallest 
tenor can't reach the fivers. Probably the lady will get them back 
when the pitch is lowered. 


Ir, under the guidance of the new Greek Minister, M. ZAIMES, Turk 
and Christian become united, they ought to be called the Zaimes Twins. 





FEBRUARY 27, 1869.] 



I the noble Roman would rather not have had about him (this is my 
graceful way of saying that he was of the lean kine), there must 

Irivc been in him something peculiarly attractive to bluebottles. 

IN ADVICE AND PKACTICE-TOM PORCU- Perhaps 'twas his known long-suffering towards flies that encouraged 
BLUK1 i UN TO POK- the brutes to annov him, special y at his work. . 

PORCUPINE used to write criticisms on theatrical and operatie mat- 
a weekly paper, and manv an author and singer owe tlieir 
escape from the sharp point of the Porcupine Quill to the blueh 
upon whom he nsed to visit all his wrath. Not that the journal in 




DORMOUSE gave GOOSBY some excellent advice. It was on the oc- Vhich PORCUPINE'S articles appeared was so influential on matters of 
asion of young LURCHER asking DORMOUSE to go into the country ^ ^ e [ t ^ eT t i ic cr iti c m his proprietors imagined ; but that is npt to the 


for a week or two. DORMOUSE refused. It was winter time, and purpose. If TOM was disgusted with a piece, an actor, or a singer in 

as you could scarcely get DORMOUSE out of his room even to a five summer time, as surely as Tie would sit down to smash them with one 

o'clock dinner at Lincoln's Inn, it wasn't likely that any inducement o f QJ S fiercest quills, buzz would come a bluebottle, and in order to 

would entice him into the country ; besides, there was the chance of wr ite at all, it became necessary to rid himself of his tormentor. Then 

Christmas festivities, of late hours, of not being able to go to bed PORCUPINE. glutted with the sacrifice of his victim, would, in a calm 

when you like, and being obliged to get up > (by abominable bells, and frame of mind, and at peace with all the world, re-consider his trucu- 

t'iimily rules and regulations) when you didn't like. Now, though this j en t criticism, and would either destroy the sheet already penned, 

is always the reason of DORMOUSE'S refusal to invitations, yet he or> after erasure, would substitute something which, compared to the 

is fond of putting it down to business. cancelled opinions, was as mild as milk-and-water. 
v,. ., ,\A ), f fiv " wh ' 

You see," said he to GOOSEY. " when you 're at the Bar, or going in 
for chamber practice, you must be on the ipot." 

GOOSEY said he thought that there was good sense in that. 

" Now," DORMOUSE went on. " if clients, and you luww anybody 

... Ivn xilinnt " Jli- Q M f\ 1 V\ntt A t K 1 Q OO if if TTtlfi II II T I 1 ft < < 1 (til U'ltFlMllt. 

Ton POR'CUPINE would say a sharp cutting thing for the sake of say- 
ing it : and would attempt to tone it down afterwards. This did not, 
make him many friends but what matter F Who has many friends ''. 

And are they only to be made by perpetual soft-sawdering and 


There is a publication called Good Word* it is bound up at the end 
of the year, and is edited by a clergyman- Can you imagine a corn- 

spot " for some years, having adopted panion annual entitled Bad Wordt, and not edited by a clergyman f In 
r yet heard of any client attempting to find suc ij a WQ^ I should insist upon a great many marginal references, 

the spot, you know, why what the deuce are they to do ? " down. Everyone can see a well ; but a spring is invisible. 

DORMOUSE was perfectly satisfied with being" on the spot *itwivl Tis these confounded bluebottles have led me into this digression, 
any further results. When in bed, he is on the spot. Well, he and, u j wr ;te this. I dread the summer, for the history even of a blue- 
reasons, " there I am ; if clients want me, where 's a better place to bottle repeats itself, and I regret, by anticipation, what I know I shall 
iind me P I'm certain there : I can't gad about when I 'm in bed, can say in my wrath. 
1 ? Then I get up : well, I 'm still on the spot ; in my room : that 's 
simple enough." 

lie has stayed " on the 

chamber practice, but I never yet , 

him there. Yes, there is a story of one client, who, being directed shifting on to the wings of the bluebottles the responsibility of whatever 
thither by a friend of the family, thought he 'd do the young barrister j might utter, in moments of heat, during June, July, and the first two 
a turn. He went to chambers at 11 A.M., and was informed by the wee ks, at least, of August. 
clerk on the landing that he wasn't to knock, as MR. DORMOUSE teat I jf^ revenir a numPoreupiiu. 

asleep, and wouldn't, probably, be vp till about two. Of course, the clerk j e w iji j o y ou> or anyone, a good turn if he can, and go out of his 
was threatened with dismissal, but was let off on account of his plead- war to j o it . y e t ne must needs be for ever pumping up satirical 
ing insufficiency of instruction ; for it was not till after this that the humour, and cynical speeches. He used to be fond of attributing all 
formula was invented, "MR. DORMOUSE is very busy just now, Sir; apparently good actions to selfishness ; and this for the sake of startling 
but he '11 see you in a few minutes, if you'll walk in and take a seat. ' 

What name shall I say, Sir ? " 

The other occupant of the Chambers where GOOSEY was received 

a theory which was as clever as it was infernally (that's the 
word) unpleasant. 

TOM PORCUPINE would splash almost every one over with the word 

when the Jolly Old Cock's door had been shut against him was, as I Snob in large letters : those who escaped that bespattering were 
have already mentioned, TOM PORCUPINE. . " Swells." He affected age and the wisdom of experience ; would 

TOM lives now, as then, by his quills, and being a cheery, soft- generally assist a friend with the best possible advice, on which he 
hearted warm-natured creature, he is perpetually guarding his good could never act were the case in question his own. 
nature, and keeping it prisoner behind a very fortress of bristly points. When the Goose, TOM PORCUPINE, and DAWSON DORMOUSE were 
He wouldn't hurt a fly, though perhaps he would draw the line at young men all together. TOM the Elder would look upon the other two 
bluebottles ; which is excusable. ' as " swells," because they had university friends, received invitations 

Excusable ! To kill a bluebottle is meritorious. Who kills his hun- to parties in Belgravia, wore white ties at the theatres, and dressed in 
dreds deserves well of his country. For, what one single recommen- 1 the fashion of the day which TOM affected to despise. He thought of 
dation to our respect, esteem or charity does a bluebottle possess V TJ &. JOHNSON, and took some praise to himself for a certain amount of 

On my word I don't know. I kale a bluebottle ; as much as he slovenliness and carelessness in his apparel. 

hates me. A thought strikes me, have I mistaken his motive ? Is it How delighted his real friends were when he became suddenly suc- 
love and not hate that brings him buzzing about my room, flopping cessful! for TOM PORCUPINE, then, bashfully broke upon us in faultless 
against the ceiling, settling somewhere to be in reach of me, coming trousers, and a hat which in. polish was only equalled by his boots, 
suddenly, in (it may be), quite a playful manner, on to my paper or and rivalled by his gloves. 

book, and causing mo to dash down the pen or book, and utter a fine | H e had been to a first-rate tailor's slyly, and in a huffy sort of way, 
old Saxon monosyllable ? as if the idea of hit doing this sort of thing was too ridiculous : so his 

if 1 see children making cages of paper, and therein imprisoning coa t and waistcoat were models of artistic cut. 
bluebottles, I say to them, " That, my dears, is cruelty ; " but I say 
it, as it were, professionally, in my character of senior, and therefore 
guardian, but my sympathies are with those little ones whose cry is 
war to the bluebottles : only, 1 add, mere confinement for a few hours 
is not sufficient punishment. 

A friend congratulated him on " quitting Grub Street : " whereat 
TOM laughed [I think he blushed; but a blush doesn't show much 
against his red whiskers] and sang out, " I 'd be a butterfly," and im- 
mediately fell to making cynical remarks on his clothes, his boots, his 

r hat, his gloves, and everything that was his. But at night didn't he 

For myself, I don't, now, wait until I find the bluebottle on mv beef put them carefully out to be brushed, and wasn't he particular in 
or nose : I kill him when 1 take him, giving him no benefit of a doubt, his dii the maid as to folding and brushing? 

He is a bluebottle, and therefore in my eyes guilty. It is nothing 
to me that it is his first day of existence, it is nothing to me that 

he has never " blown upon " the food in my larder. He nuty. If 
he lives, he mill. I can t take him and educate him ; therefore he 
dies. I can't send a bluebottle to a reformatory ; therefore I. provi- 
dentially, and for the benefit of society at large, execute nun by 
Lynch law. On the window-pane (which is dangerous, and sometimes 
expensive), on the table, on the table-cloth (which has to be sent to the 
wash forthwith, that the unsightly stains of gore may be effaced), on 
my friend's back, on my horse's shoulder, wherever the insect may be, 
down I come upon him, and down I shall always come upon him, 
while I have life, health, and strength, with the Law of Lynch, free 
from all forms and dilatory processes. TOM PORCUPINE could put up 

But it was before these gay days that TOM PORCUPINE and DOR- 
MOUSE invited GOOSEY to stay. _Now, of what came of that invitation, 

and how GOOSEY did stay with DORMOUSE and PORCUPINE, and of the 

Moles (aforesaid in last chapter), and of what they did for him, and of 

the Funny Dog, and of the Singing Blackbird, and of .\ 

IXGALE (not FLORENCE), and of the Little Duck, is it not all w 

the Seventh Chapter of the Chronicles of Birds and Beasts and Fishes ? 

No ; it u not. But a part thereof is ; to which we will now come, and 

thereto I do plight you my truth. 

(To be Continued) 

with flies, but though almost belonging to that order of men which to be sure. 

WHICH is the wickedest portion of America?. Why 



[FEBRUARY 27, 1869. 





I READ that "The Dictionary Club held their second dinner," and for the 
first time in my life I think of a Dictionary as convivial, enjoying itself in tem- 
porary forgetfulness of all the cares and anxieties of derivation, definition, and 
orthoepy. I amuse myself with wondering what the rules can be which each member 
of this club is 'expected to have imprinted on his memory. I assume that every- 
body present is bound to employ in conversation at table only such words as are to 
be found in pur best Dictionaries ; and that any member is fined a page of JOHN- 
SON, folio edition, to be learnt off by heart and recited fasting at the next meeting, 
who, when warmed by generous wine, has the misfortune to let drop a slang or 
colloquial expression. Then I picture to myself all the company rising when the 
cloth is drawn, and drinking, in solemn silence, the toast of " The Health of the 
Great Lexicographer," and see them immediately afterwards busy with a word, say 
concrete, or idiosyncrasy, or metaphysics, or protoplasm, or something of the same 
simple character, just sufficient to exercise the brain and assist the digestion, and 
writing their definition of it down on a piece of paper (with illustrative quota- 
tions), for the Chairman of the evening to read out, and the assembly to decide 
which is the best. Engaged in such harmless recreation, I can imagine the club 
spending a most agreeable evening over their words and wine. Probably between 
the definitions they have a quire to sing to them some charming little Anglo- 
Saxon morfeau, or comic song in Low Dutch. 

Nothing further suggests itself to me at present, except that I cannot doubt there 
is a stringent regulation to prevent gentlemen being carried away by philological 
excitement, and getting three sheets in the wind ; and another forbiading the use 
of cabs or vehicles of any kind, either in coming to, or going from, the place of 
meeting, every member of such a Club being reasonably expected to be a Walking 
Dictionary. T 


A Pleasing Conviction. 

THERE are certain Theatres in London to which we go, feeling sure that if not 
delighted ourselves, we are certain to see others transported, such is the character 
of the pieces produced. 


Dedicated as our Contribution to First-class SERGEANT MASON, 
of the X Division, recently rewarded and promoted for his 
gallant conduct on the 51 A of January last. 

IT was the time 'twixt night and morn, 
Four bur-glars in a cart were borne, 

Along the Uxbridge Road. 
They had been practising their art, 
And all their plunder in the cart, 

Had safe away been stowed. 

They do not fear to laugh and talk 
Over each silver spoon or fork. 

The four were named thus : 
The next the " Doctor," and with them 

Comes the gay magsman Gus. 

A figure on the road is clear, 
A mounted officer draws near 

" A Peeler ! " cries young DICK. 
" 'Tis SERGEANT MASON," says the one 
Who knew him best, " By goles we 're done, 

Doctor ! we '11 hook it quick." 

The Sergeant stops the trotting mare, 
" I know you all what have you there ? 

You're prisoners yield to me." 
" What four to one, and prisoners ! No ! 
Back from the rein you fool, leave go ! " 

Cries DICK, no coward he. 

They ply the whip, but 'tis too late, 
The mare o'erburdened by the weight, 

Against the lash revolts. 
Then SERGEANT MASON seizes Gus, 
And DICK. Says JEM, " He shan't take us." 

And with the Doctor bolts. 

Unequal combat ! two to one, 

Both armed with bludgeons. Then the Sun 

Rises to view the fight. 
It sees two burglars on the ground, 
By hero-sergeant tightly bound, 

And crowns him with its light. 

Rewards I trow has MASON gained, 
Guerdons more honourably ootained 

Were never yet bestow'd. 
Say are there more like MASON who 
Stopped the four burglars and bound two 

Upon the Uxbridge 


MR. MANN, in a paper read at the Statistical Society, 
proposes to employ boys " to do one-third of the work or 
the public offices. 

Well the Public Offices may want to be kept afloat, now 
that everybody is trying to run them down, but we should 
doubt the feasibility of buoying them up in this way. To 
judge by Mr. Punch's experience of "boys" in his own 
office, he is disposed to think they spoil quite as much in 
bad work as they save in salary, to say nothing of the wear 
and tear of temper and waste of time in looking after them. 
On these grounds he protests against the whole arrange* 
ment MANN and boy ! 

From the Archbishop of York. 


Eaton Place. 

WHY did the Ministers make the QUEEN call the 
Commons the Popular branch of the legislature ? Was it 
not rude to ignore what I said in my City speech, and what 
Professor THOROLD ROGERS does not seem to like, namely, 
that we Bishops are the Popular element, and a. priori, 
Liberals ? Ministers may disendow churches, but should 
not snub churchmen. Allow us to \iepapulares, while they 
are populantes. Please, preach on this text. I mean, 
remark on this subject, and oblige, 

Yours, faithfully, 


FKBRCARY 27, 1869.] 



formed or shall we say there 
has been performed, by the 
aid of that gentleman a 
theatrical feat which Mr. 
I'u.ii-h holds it just to note. 
Four London theatres are 
now playing important pieces 
by MR. PHILLIPS, and three 
of these were produced within 
the same week. Of the re- 
spective and comparative 
merits of the leash, tin 
Censor, having been too much 
engaged with MB. GLAD- 
STONK to have many spare 
evenings, does not as yet 
intend to say aught. But 
he has witnessed the revival 
of one of MR. I'im.urs's 
plays, the Dead Heart. He 
retains his opinion that this 
is one of the best Adelphi 
dramas which have been pro- 
duced. Its origin is patent 
enough, 'jet it is original in 
an artistic sense. He remem- 
bers no more effective scene 
than the dark one at the foot 
of the guillotine, with the 
passionate dialogue before 
dawn, and the mother's cry 
as the light breaks in, bringing 

her son's last day. MR. WEBSTER'S personation of the vengeful but repentant 
victim of treachery is, as it was, as fine an illustration of dramatic art and power 
as the English stage can offer, and he gives it with all the old unflagging force 
and subtlety of detail. MRS. MELLON has forgotten no jot of the skill with which 
she used to depict the agonised mother. Gloomy as the play is, it is a wholesome 
gloom, whence we emerge with a healthy tone of feeling. MR. WATTS PHILLIPS 
laid his whole strength into the construction of this piece, and had his reward in 
its instant and permanent success. He should not be too proud to take a lesson 
from himself. 


AlK " Paddy' Weddiny." 

WE 're all intint 
On Parliamiiit 
Expecting jostice daily oh ! 
The Primiair he, 
1 ust ill of DISRTALI oh ! 
We soon shall be 
From taxes free, 

Which kape their Parsons gaily oh ! 
Och whin that day 
Comes round this way 
I'll florish me shillelagh oh ! 

Och doo ! blatherum boo ! 

For Jostice blind and scaly oh ! 


Tht: 1'rimiair we 

Did not find DISRYALI oh ! 

(Here comes in an oliligarter on thepoipes.) 

No Fenians more 
Will pass the door 
Of London's dark Old Bailey oh ! 
For England's Queen 
Rules Erin Green 
In spite of DISRTALI oh ! 
1 f she '11 but smoile 
Upon our Oisle 

There '11 be no Thraitors, raly, oh ! 
Let 's see her face, 
And all is pace, 
And come too DISRYALI oh ! 

Och doo ! blatherum boo ! 

For Jostice blind and scaly oh ! 

She loves her Queen 

Does Erin green. 

And don't mind DISRYALI oh ! 

(Oliligarter agen on Ihepoipes.) 



WHAT fools men are to smoke that is, if it hurts their health, for 
otherwise the folly is clearly not conspicuous. But little boys who 
smoke are greater fools than even men, for tobacco at so young an age 
is sure to be injurious. See here are some medical statistics on the 
subject : 

tcllcct, and a more or less marked taste for strong drinks. In 3 the pulse was 
intermittent. In 8 there was found OH examination more or less marked 
diminution of the red corpuscles; in U there was rather frequent epitaxis ; 
10 had disturbed sleep ; and -1 had slight ulcerations of the mucous membrane 
of the mouth, which disappeared on ceasing from the use of tobacco for some 

Boys mostly take to smoking, not because they like it, but because 
they think it manly. They take a snobbish pride in aping their big 
brothers, and don't mind making themselves sick if they can get the 
reputation of being fast young fellows. Silly little snobs is what they 
really should be called, and some such name as this, if frequently re- 
peated, might help to put their pipes out. A simpler course woul'd be 
to knock them from their mouths, and follow the assault by a sound 
box on the ears, whenever little boys are publicly seen smoking. 

Good Friday Forestalled. 
THE Post announces : 

ot Bicknoller, Somerset, has resigned his living, and has been received into 
the Church of Rome." 

The Romish Church will doubtless find the late Vicar of Bicknoller 
no lukewarm adherent. It may be presumed that HUNNYBUN has 



GENERAL BALFOUR, who was sent to the War Office, as the best 
hand to cut down unnecessary expenses, retired one day last week, 
but to everybody's astonishment, if not to everybody's satisfaction, 
returned to office and resumed his operations in the " cutting-room," 
a few days after. His reason for resignation is said to have been, that 
in the sweeping operations of the new brooms at the War Office he 
found his duties swept away, and himself reduced to the ignominious 
position of a sinecurist. 

At this, GENERAL BALFOUR very naturally kicked, declaring that 
he had come into the office to serve under King STORKS, and not under 
a set of King Logs ; and that, if he were allowed nothing else to 
reduce, he should be obliged to reduce himself. 

Since then it has been found that in spite of the new brooms there is 
still a little room for economising at the War Office, and GENERAL 
BALFOUR has consented to resume the stool of retrenchment. 


THE other day, according to intelligence from Jersey in the Time*, 
" the whole island was agitated from centre to circumference." This 
alarming announcement, however, is qualified by the explanation that 
the movement was synchronous with the proposal, in the " States," of 
" a bill for the levying of a tax on tobacco to the extent of \d. per 
ounce." The earthquake, therefore, of which Jersey has experienced 
a shock, was merely a political and moral convulsion. Its violence, 
however, was such as to compel the abandonment of the tobacco-tax, 
designed for the purpose of liquidating the insular expenditure. St range 
to say, the Jerseyans have since submitted to the enactment of an 
increased spirit duty to raise the needful, whilst their island has 
remained unshaken. 

Soldiers for Schoolmasters. 

MASTERS for Preparatory Schools in Russia are to be selected from 
the ranks of the Russian Army. Of course it is expected that they 
will teach the young idea how to shoot. 



[FEBRUARY 27, 1869. 


The O'Mullygmi (who has been assuring his life}. " HAH ! ANOTHER WORD, GINTLEMEN ! Oi HEAR A GOOD DEAL ABOUT MERCAN- 



MR. PUNCH hoped, a few years ago, that by publishing the lines of 
which the following are part, he should, as Mr. Puff says, have placed 
the petting of criminals " in so ridiculous a light " that the system 
would have been done away. Yet it not only goes on ; but the petted 
ones exult in it, and even sing Mr. Punch's song with insulting mirth. 
He had to note this fact in September, 1804 (does He, any more than 
the universe, forget an act of his own '() and now he reads that 
ALDERMAN WILSON has just told the Middlesex Magistrates that a 
prisoner left Mr. Punch's lines written on a slate in his cell these : 

" I cannot take my walks abroad, 

I 'm under lock and key ; 
And much the public I applaud 
For all their care of me. 

" Not more than others I deserve, 
]n fact, much lees than more, 
Yet I have food, while others starve, 
Or beg, from door to door." 

We are sorry that the interesting creature should have applied our 
moral wrongly, and we can only hope that the next gaol he gets into 
he will find that we have been understood in a sense made clear to him 
by his finding nothing to sing about, except in the way of singing out. 

Falsehood and Its Reverse. 

IT is satisfactory to know by telegram that : 

' The Sultan of Zanzibar has imprisoned the man MOSA, who gave false 
intelligence regarding DR. LIVINGSTONE." 

MR. MOSA, or whatever his name is, will now, perhaps, learn to tell 
the truth, by lying in prison. 


ON the last day of the shooting season in France there was a battue 
at Marly. In a letter from Paris we are informed that the EMPEROR 
killed one hundred and ninety-three head of various game, his male 
companions between thirty-six and seventy-five each, and : 

" The EMPRESS brought down thirty, but then Her MAJRSTY only shot 
during the first part of the sport, that is tin- portion of time before luncheon." 

Of course, EUGENIE is a fair shot, and after the rate, if the foregoing 
figure represents her average, as fair a shot as a lady need be. As 
France leads the van of civilisation, and the EMPRESS is an acknow- 
ledged pattern to her sex, not only in clothes but also in conduct, we 
shall doubtless see the girls of England take to shooting, as soon as 
possible after its next commencement. Few of them will, perhaps, 
attempt the moors on the 12th of August, but a large number will, 
doubtless, be out on the 1st of September, and although not equal to 
heather, may be expected to be quite up to turnips. The majority, 
however, of sportswomen, still following the example of the EMPRESS 
OF THE. FRENCH, will probably confine themselves to battue-shooting, 
and the slaughter of tame birds, pheasants, and hares, sport which, 
though a man may contemn it, is manly enough for a woman. 

A French humorist's joke against us English was the saying that, 
when inspired by particularly fine weather, we were accustomed to 
exclaim. ' It is a beautiful day come, let us go and kill something." 
France has, perhaps, had some ground for this fling against English- 
men, but not, hitherto, against Englishwomen. 

To Sydney. 

THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN'S recent edict about the Ballet's brief 
skirt is at all events one mode of re-dressing a grievance. 

A WARM RECEPTION. A Crowded Levee. 

WJJiS2? I 2 t?" 

f Wuitelruuv m the 

',' 'V," 6 ? >r "" 1 "' St ' ',"" Clerkenwell. in the County of , Hle, e . at the PrmOn, Offlcei of Mem. Bradbury, Evan.. * Co.. L 
:ty of London, and Publi.hed by nirn at N<j. 84. Fleit Street, m tne Paristt of St. liride, City of Lonaon.-Sn;J)iY , February 27. 186 

MARCH G, 1869.] 




Colourman (quite cmtcnud). " On ! PERMIT ME TO SEND THEM FOR yor, SIR, 




POOR Jury, boxed, poor Jury, 
Three weeks odd, each day but one ; 

Rose impatience not to fury 
re your weary task was done ? 

You were special, picked and chosen 
For the nonce, were yon, indeed . 

But had one among your dozen, 
Business of his own to heed ': 

Put an artist on an action, 

Ur a scribe as juror bind, 
How shall that man help distraction, 

From his duty, of his mind ? 

Thoughts of lost employment pressing 
He can chase not, nor control 

fell anxiety, distressing, 
If it were to save his soul. 

If your case need comprehension, 

Litigants, your jury, then, 
Must, to give it due attention, 

Be composed of leisure men. 

Swells in yachts life idly leading, 
Fishing, hunting, shooting, who. 

Might, to work for bread not needing, 
Sing, " We 've got no work to do. 

An Answer in Kind. 

WHEN you lament that you are not well enough off to 

Sursue your favourite studies, travel, hunt, shoot, and fish, 
ve amid the surroundings yon would like, dress like a 
gentleman, and associate with your friends on equal terms, 
some people pretend to offer you consolation .by bidding 
you compare your lot with that of a beggar, and remind- 
ing you how many paupers there are in the workhouse. As 
if anyone with a rightly -constituted mind could derive any 
satisfaction from considering the unhappiness of others. 


Now that the Greek difficulty is over for the present, 
perhaps the Cretans will Lie still. 


FEBRUARY 22. Monday. EARL RUSSELL delighted the Peers by an 
intimation that as soon as he shoujd be instructed, from returns, upon 
certain points connected with national education, he would deliver a 
speech upon that novel and entertaining subject. The Peers, unable 
to contain their joy, instantly went away. 

Cattle plague was mentioned in the II. of C. Such mention gives 
Mr. Punch a peg on which to hang a note that Miss COUTTS has pub- 
lished a kindly and womanly plea (pardon the tautology, Wardens of 
our Hearts) in behalf of youthful cattle, better known as calves, who 
are cruelly treated by the ruffians to whom for the most part the con- 
veyance of the poor creatures is entrusted. Miss COUTTS urges that, 
at a time when we are paying so much attention to criminal bipeds, 
it would be but Christianlike to spare a little for innocent quadrupeds. 

Tlii' HON. JOHN BRIGHT promised a Mercantile Marine Bill, with an 
Appalling number of clauses. lie appalled ! Tell that to the Mer- 
cantile Marines. 

MR. HARDCASTLE, who, from his question one" would think must live 
in the Castle of Indolence, actually askod when the holidays were to 
be. It was not a fortnight since school had met. DOCTOR GLADSTONE, 
Head Master, could not say, but was willing to hear what the boys 
wished, Easter falling so early. He was for giving them a Vacation 
when they had done something more to earn it and, he added, as a 
placebo, when they would have a more genial season for its enjoyment. 

Being asked to define a House, the same great master of definition 
declined to do anything of the sort. In other words, he was not in- 
clined yet to begin tinkering the last Reform Act. 

The JKISH SECRETARY announced that out of the eighty-eight Fe- 
nians whom we now have in Band for being Opinioned (Tiogbtrry and 
Verges) forty-nine should be released, as hot-headed fools, who had 
been misled. The other thirty-two comprised all the main founders, 
organisers, and leaders of the Fenian movement. Yet an Irish Member 

thought or said that they might also be let out, if they could give 
guarantees of good conduct. " There 's some virtue in a lock and 
key." Thirty-four of the supposed harmless felons are in Australia, 
and Government, asked whether it would bear the expense of their 
coming home, reserved a right to consider each case by itself. If the 
Australians do not mind keeping them, Punch conceives that it would 
be a pity to deprive them of the advantages of emigration. 

The PREMIER mentioned (as LORD GRANVILLE had done elsewhere) 
the exceeding sorrow with which the QUEEN had foregone her purpose 
to receive the Addresses in person. They were sent in the usual way. 
One paper which Mr. Punch has received stated that the Address of 
the Upper House' was to be presented by the Lords with White Slaves. 
Is this the nineteenth sentry, or do we live in maxliocre days, among 
surfs and willans, under the Fuddle system ? 

MR. GLADSTONE brought in some technical Bill about Pensions, but 
as he made no mention of the pension we ought to have, we abstain 
from minding what is not our business. As Grand Adviser of Cabi- 
nets, we should have thought but no matter. Money is not every- 
thing in this world it only procures everything. 

Now, this next paragraph may Bore some, but it must be heeded for 
all that. Rates ! do you know what rates are, M'm ? Is your mantel- 
piece ever free from those detestable little notices, demanding sums 
which are detestable but not little ? Well, rates are laid on at random, 
and if they were collected in the same way, there would be a chance for 
everybody. But the collection is the only part of the business which 
| is done systematically. We pay about One and Elevenpence in the 
jb., and London pays about a Million and a Half. We are most un- 
justly assessed, and good MR, GOSCHEN is going to rectify this, by 
appointing Boards who shall assess fairly. This will be a real reform, 
and tends to a Free-Breakfast table one free from acrimonious 
remarks, on the part of Pater, to the effect that he is always paying 
rates, and that he has a great mind to live in a hotel. 

MR. M'EvoR resolves to repeal the Ecclesiastical Titles Act. Will 
he P Ha ! Clever M'EvoR well, do your endeavour. 




[MARCH 6, 1869. 

Tuesday. " You want work, my Lords, do you ? " said LORD PRIVY upon Society, and it was now necessary for Society to make War upon 
SEAL KIMBERLEY. " You shall be obliged. MR. BRUCE has handed . them. 

over to me the Bill for the Suppression of Crime, and I will thank you j The Bill is what Cant calls " un-English." That is, it proposes to 
to be in your places on Friday. " Since your Lordship is suppressing, repudiate, in certain cases, the doctrine that a man must be held inno- 
we '11 come," said the Peers, who were evidently acquainted with the ' cent until proved guilty by others. It enacts that if he have been 
Boiler, in Dombcy. \ proving himself guilty, by incurring the penalties of the law, the proof 

In reply to LORD ELCHO, MR. CAUDWELL, Secretary-at-War, made ; of his subsequent innocence shall be offered by himself, 
a dignified and resolute little speech, which was applauded. First, we | The Ticket-of-leave man may be called on, at any time, to show that 
learned the grand universal fact that the DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE is not he is pursuing an honest calling, and if he cannot do this, he may be 
the Commander-in-Chief, but a Field-Marshal commanding in chief, sent back to prison for the rest of his sentence. 

and, secondly, that he is under the command of MR. CARDWELL, who | After a man has been twice convicted of felony, he shall be under 
intended that he should remain so. This plain speech (it was a trifle the eye of the police for seven years, and at any time that he cannot prove 
but not much more euphemistic no, not euphuistic, you ass ; EUPHUES he is engaged in an honest calling, he may be sent to prison for a year. 

was a quaint writer, with a peculiar style) pleased the House of 

Little Girls, mind your P's and Q's, and indeed all your alphabet, 
especially your I. O. U. For a great man, a Minister, stood up to- 
night, and declared that an Infant might be arrested on a writ of 
capias, and that a child above twelve might be outlawed, if a boy, and 
younger, if a girl. It is no silly talk, my dears, for a girl under fourteen 
was arrested and taken to Whitecross Street Prison the other day. So 
beware of running in debt for goodies, photographs, valentines, or 

We debated, on LORD BTTRY'S motion, whether a section of the 
Statute of ANNE (not the Statue, that 's before St. Paul's, hass), which 
makes it needful for a person who takes office under the Crown to be 
re-elected, should be done away, as needless and inconvenient. The 
House was indisposed to disturb old arrangements. MR. VERNON 
HARCOURT (Historicus) made an effective maiden speech against change. 
QUEEN ANNE is dead, but her statute is not to be Bury'd. 

The noticeable point in a debate on the Excessive Taxation of 
Houses and Land (MR. GLADSTONE will attend to it when he has a 
little spare time) was the astounding statement by MR. NEWDEGATE 
that a certain High Official, pestered with applications, writes in a 

So, ifhe haunts public places with apparently unlawful intentions, or 
is found in a private house under suspicious circumstances. 

If he be sentenced a third time, he shall be under surveillance for life. 

And after a third conviction he shall receive no less than a seven 
years' sentence. 

Receivers of stolen goods, once convicted, 'shall, on every future 
charge, have to prove their own innocence. Bad for Pawnbrokers and 

Magistrates may give six months instead of one month of imprison- 
ment for assaults on the police. 

LORD KIMBERLEY'S speech was an able one, and it was most favour- 
ably received, LORD SHAPTESBURY pronouncing strongly in its favour. 

LORD GREY declared it founded on right principles, 
thought there was much that was wholesome in them. 

An endeavour 
to send the Bill to a Select Committee was generally condemned. 

MR. GLADSTONE and the Liberals have grappled boldly with one of 
the great questions of the day, and (subject to the improvement of 
details) the Declaration of War against Crime will be applauded by all 
honest men. 

The only noticeable thing in the Commons was the introduction, in 
an excellent speech, by MR. SYKES, of a Bill for the protection of our 

corner of the applicant's letter, as instruction to the secretary for j poor, harmless, beautiful, useful sea-birds from snobs and ruffians like 
reply, U. B. D. We have not the faintest idea what is meant. those lately exposed in one of Mr. Punch's pictures. 

The Lateral Viaduct, with which it is intended to spoil the Embank- 

ment, was laudably hindered by MR. LAYAHD, according to promise, 
and referred to a Committee. He who would spoil the noble new Via 
ought to be Ducked. 

Wednesday. Salmon in again. And very good it is, and how we pity 
the ignorant wretches who eat lobster sauce with it, or anything else, 
except a few' drops of lemon-juice or Chili. However, this has nothing 
to do with MR. DODDS'S motion for information about some " fishing 
coops " of LORD LONSDALE'S, in which] we suppose his Lordship keeps 
hens when salmon mustn't be caught. 

The Logic of Liquor Laws. 

" OUR statute books pretty plainly show that we have very small 
scruple in abridging the liberty of the subject for the general 

: good." 

True, ARCHBISHOP OP Y9RK most true, most reverend. But do our 

statute-books show any instance of the liberty of the public at large 

fishing abridged for the mere sake of restraining a minority from the abuse 

thereof ? Would'st thou deprive them that shave of razors, lest certain 

1 I . . 1 _ It _ 1* _ J.L __'_. J_Q Tf i- l._. _!4-k U ! ,J 4-Kn nnvn 

lunatics should slice their weasands ? If not, why withhold the com- 
forting draught from all, only to the end of disabling some to get 
drunken ? Go to ! 



Is in wrong box, 
And doubtless deems his fate infernal ; 

But not the KNOX 

Whose jovial vox 
Makes mirth when night 's at noon our Colonel. 

Thursday. Thanks to JOHN KNOX, education in Scotland has been 
for many generations provided by Compulsory Rating. The schools 
are so good that, as the DUKE OP ARGYLL told us to-night, the children 
of the peasant, the tradesman^the gentleman, sit on the same form, 
and learn, not only the 3 It's, but geography, history, and very 
often Latin and Greek. It is perfectly unfair that a part of the island 
should enjoy such advantages in the race, and no wonder the Scots 
win it so often. This system must either be put a stop to, and the Scots 
children be reduced to the coarse level of English training, or England 
must have similar chances. Manet son terlia, repeal the Act of Union. 
Meantime, the greedy Scotch, on the plea that parishes have outgrown 
original arrangements, are actually going to improve their already 
admirable system, liberalising it on religious matters into the bar- 
gain. The weasel wants to suck more of the eagle's princely eggs. AN ADMIRABLE FIRST LORD. 

MR* D^KE ask e ed a hfs firet Question we hope to' hear him ask many " FLYING Guilders "may or may not have been as swift as is com- 
another, as he is not a gentleman likely ever to put a foolish one. It monly supposed, but there u a CHILDERS fully able to keen pace with 
was whether the capital of India is not henceforth to be some healthier the times. Success to him m his arduous course ! Uphill work, but 
place than Calcutta. MR. GRANT DUFF is not yet in a position to reply. ^ ne perseveres, he is 

CAPTAIN STACPOOLE asked a very proper question about the Oriental 
Vagabonds who scowl about our streets, and demanded why a whole- 
some Indian rule providing for the return of exported servants were 
broken. He was told that most of these vagrants were independent 
adventurers, which we believe cum grams multis. 

MR. GOSCHEN introduced a Bill, for remedying, in a somewhat cir- " '& 

cumambagical way, the hardship sustained by the poorest ratepayers. 
MR. BRIGHT made his first speech as a Minister, and was sure that 
MR. DISRAELI had not intended to cause the suffering complained of. 

MR. CHAMBERS re-introduced the Bill for enabling a man to marry 
his sister-in-law. We shall not marry ours, because we have none, and 

ICE Ell ! 

IN the American news we find that " an Ice Bridge has been formed 
near the falls." We should imagine there would be a great many falls 

WHY are Sedate Old Maids like some of the best qualities of the 
Spanish soldier ? Because they are found in general PRIM. 

for other reasons, but all needless restraints on marriage are contrary 
to morals and English law. Question therefore remains, is this restric- 
tion needless ? Let us hear what Reformed Commons say. 

Friday. After some good news of the New Zealand War, and of a 
signal chastisement of the Poverty Bay murderers, 

LORD KIMBEHLEY introduced the Government Bill for the Sup- 
pression of Crime. 

He said that the Dangerous Class, who number 120,000, made War 


THERE is one measure which the Lords cannot possibly object to 
have sent up to them at the fag end of the Session the Endowed 
Schools Bill a useful piece of legislation which we hope both Houses 
will Foster. 

" THE RATING OP WEEKLY TENANTS." What they get when they 
don't pay their rent. 

M AIU-H 6, 1809.] 




^DRESSING, from the Chair 
at St. James's Hall, a 
ing of an Association which 
may be described as the 
Society for the gradual 
Suppression of the Liquor 
YORK adverted to certain 
facts, of which he said : 

" The first was that in one 
way and another the revenue 
ii country wa recruited 
out of what people drank." 

So much the less taxa- 
tion, at present, for total 
abstainers. But if ever the 
agitators, endeavouring to 
^uppresa the trade iu ex- 
cisable liquors, effect their 
object, they will thereby 
necessitate an augmentation 
of the Income-Tax by an 

amount proportionate to tin; deliciency which they will have created 
in the i .nine, bo tlien, they are ready to incur increased 

taxation, tor the sake (if compelling the tipplers of the community to 
In- solier. i low more, than disinterested of them : How self-sacrifi- 
cing! Only onu would like to know how many of them pay Income- 
Tax, and IHIW much, ami whether tlit-y would generally be so anxious 
up thti suit- Hi' wine, spirits, and beer, if they thought that the 
liquors was likely to be replaced by a rise in the taxes 
(in tea and sugar. 

A select part of the. nation has had the honour conferred on it of 

'u defray the national expenses of the Abyssinian war. Now 

(inly let t lie. prohibition of the tratiic in liquors be combined with a free 

', and that same fortunate class may hope to be still 

furt her honoured with the obligatory privilege of paying for the enforced 

sobriety of sots. 


As the Houses of Parliament are accustomed, on occasion, to rote 
thanks to victorious Commanders, so might the Houses of Convocation 
acknowledge the services of triumphant Defenders of the Faith. A 
candidate for the honour of their reverend commendation comes forth 
in the person of a learned gentleman, whose name adorns the title-page 
of a work described as " Critical Letters. Letter IV. By DR. FRASER 
HALLE, Author of the Doctrine of Logical Units, Exact Philosophy, -c., 
Critical Imposture: III Logic and Scholarship. With Illustrations. 
On this production a contemporary reviewer observes : 

" As regards the subject, the principal point here examined has reference to 
BISHOP COLBNSO'S easy assumptions, in common with other sceptical writers, 
that what is called the Hebrew text ' contains the original language of the 


He then proceeds to quote DR. HALLE himself, as follows : 

" It is out of the limits even of possibility for any logician to elaborate a 
proof that MOSES either spoke or wrote what we cull Hebrew." 

If DR. HALLE has succeeded in proving that the Hebrew Pentateuch 
on which BISHOP COLENSO commented is not authentic, he certainly 
has confuted COLENSO, and thereby deserved the thanks of Convoca- 
tion, provided that he can produce, or reproduce, the genuine original. 
Otherwise he will have cut the ground not only from under COLENSO, 
but also from under every other commentator on COLENSO'S theme. 
He will thus, perhaps, be considered to have proved rather too much ; 
and Convocation will have to thank him, if it thanks him at all, for 
less than, nothing. 

Too Great Rejoicings. 

" A Telegram from Belfast states that the success of MASTER M'GRATH in 
carrying off for the second time the Waterloo Cup has evoked great rejoicings 
on LORD LUKGAN'S estates in. this neighbourhood. In the town of Lurgan 
great enthusiasm prevails ; tar-barrels are blazing in the streets, the houses 
are illuminated, and there are great crowds." 

AND all this fuss because a greyhound runs away with the principal 
stakes at a Coursing Meeting ! What will such hare-brained people 
do next ? 

A SHAM NOTION. Of all the characteristics of its inhabitants, the 
stranger in Sheffield is most struck with their JCaiceiv ! 


HERE is an agreeable morsel of intelligence for folks who daily takr 
their walks abroad in London. We clip it from the Registrar-General's 
report : 

" The expected number of deaths by violence in the street* of London it, 
in the present condition of their traffic, between 19 and 20 in fire weeki ; the 
actual number* registered in the five wi-eks of thU year amount to 21 : 6 Mr- 
tons were killed by horses, 1 by a carriage, 2 by omnibuje*, 2 by cabs. 6 by 
waggon* or vans, and 6 by cart*. What appears the work of chance i* the 
natural affect of causes which admit of control." 

When deaths are caused by accidents "which admit of cont 
ought they to be viewed as merely accidental death* ? Is it not hu_ 
probable that there would be far fewer of such accidents, if a verdict of 
manslaughter were now and then returned ? We rather think that 
horses would be kept more under control, if once a week or to a 
carter or a van-driver were reported in the newspaper*, as being sent 
to prison for carelessness in driving, which had been the mean* of 
causing an " accidental " death. 

It is a pleasant thought for Londoners that really one may now 
" expect" to be ran over whenever one walks out. Oar over-crowded 
thoroughfares are well nigh as deadly as a battle-field. Cabs and cart > 
kill people as readily as cannon-shot, and the nnrmm rninrrl by van- 
drivers is as great almost as that by Juggernaut itself. When to the 
deaths occasioned by the " accidents " of driving we add the injuries 
resulting from street-prowlers and garotters, it will be obvious that any 
one who wishes for long life had better take short; walks, and rare 
ones, in our deadly London Streets. 


THE row which 'took place the other day at the joint meeting of 
Congress in the American House of Representatives, and increased to 
such a degree of confusion that MR. SPEAKER COLJAX " was finally 
compelled to order the serjeant-at-arms to arrest any member obstruct- 
ing the proceedings of the Convention," is an additional proof of the 
absurdity of calling the United States the Model Republic. The House 
of Representatives, was originally modelled after the House of Com- 
mons, which it now seems to resemble chiefly in the particular of 
keeping a serjeant-at-arms ; an officer for whose services its members 
apparently give frequent occasion. So far from haTingacquired any 
pretension to be regarded as a model to the Commons' House of Par- 
liament, the American House of Representatives, if not Senate too, as 
to order and decorum especially, are presented with a model in the 
Marylebone Vestry. 

An Odd Show. 
WB read in the Illustrated London New that 

" The meeting of the Royal Agricultural Society, held on Tuesday, wa* a 
mo*t successful one. There wa a perfect blaie of flowers, amog , which the 
cyclamens, and various form* of Chinese primrose*, were greUy admired. 

What does this mean? Should not cyclamens and Chinese prim- 
roses be left to the Royal Horticultural Society? The only flowers 
the Royal Agricultural Society could with any propriety show would 
be Cowslips and Oxlips. 

How to Treat a Guest. 

OJTE GUEST, a " respectable " farmer, has been committed to prison 
for three weeks at Sheffield, for selling a diseased cow for food, 
to be hoped the fate of this GUEST will be .1 warning to the hott who 
are carrying on or meditating the same rascally fraud. 



[MARCH 6, 1869. 





On dear, oh dear, and oh dear, here 's a muddle 

Alabama Convention got all in a huddle : 

Though STANLEY and REVEBDY o'er it did cuddle, 

And swore 'twould hold water like what is called " puddle." 

There 's JOHNSON 's been dined ever since we first heard of it, 
High-faluting, serene, has in rapture referred to it, 
Swearing all the Conventions e er drawn but absurd to it, 
And here 's UNCLE SAM won't say never a word to it ! 

Here 's the Press has been blowing its trumpet o'er STANLEY- 
HOW he 's all that 's straightforward, clear-headed, and manly 
How ne'er was diplomatist speaking humanly 
So beyond either blunder or bungle as STANLEY ! 

And here we have all been consigning to blazes 
Old-fashioned diplomacy's myst'ries and mazes ; 
And, iu self-satisfaction's complacentest phrases, 
Singing new-fangled open diplomacy's praises ! 

Here was REVERDY JOHNSON, all gushing and go a-head, 
To count chickens unhatched, and e'en ask them to crow a-head ; 
Here was STANLEY, perfection ! Nor too quick, nor too slow-a-head ; 
Here was CLARENDON, after the first foul, to row-a-head ! 

All these wonderful cooks, with their wonderful toiling, 

The broth have completely succeeded in spoiling : 

And REVERDY JOHNSON his slack-jaw up-coiling 

May sigh " We 're small taters, I guess, the whole boiling." 

And sorest of slaps on the face, not a doubt of it, 
To the diplomates who in advance made a shout of it, 
And at mutual compliments had quite a bout of it, 
Here's JOHN BULL, like JONATHAN, glad to be out of it ! 


George Herbert. 

EVEN if this squalid Convent case had dragged its twenty days' length 
along to no better end than this (it has done vast good in exposing 
the character of convent life), Punch could not say that the time had 
quite been thrown away when occasion was siren to SIR JOHN 
COLERIDGE, Solicitor-General, to say what we thus embalm for the 

" I will take the libertv, Gentlemen of the Jury, of giving you a warning 
upon another matter. 2)o not be afraid of doing what is right and just 
because it chances to be popular. "That is a danger to which sensitive and 
high-minded men are much more liable than to the coarser and commoner 
forms of temptation. But, Gentlemen, there ia one old and a grand distinc- 
tion a distinction drawn first by, perhaps, the very greatest man who ever 
filled the seat that my Lord [C. J. COCKBURN] now so worthily occupies, I 
mean LORD MANSFIELD the distinction between the popularity which follows, 
and the popularity which ia followed after a distinction which I earnestly 
entreat you carefully and inflexibly in this case to remember." 

Those be words, SIR JOHN, for which Mr. Punch heartily thanks 
you. They point a moral which needs a good deal of pointing just 
now, and which Mr. Punch, who has ever been superior to the weak- 
ness condemned, begs all sensitive and high-minded men to remember 
and apply. Vox populi is not necessarily Vox DEI, but neither is it 
necessarily the exact Opposite. Once more, thanks, COLEMDGE, for very 
happily timed counsel. Your grand namesake and relative never spoke 
more wisely we despair to add a compliment you would like better. 

A Safe Guess. 

WE see a little treatise advertised under the attractive title of 
The Stomach and its Difficulties. What may be these difficulties, we 
who are not medical and know not indigestion, are happily quite ig- 
norant. We apprehend, however, that with very many persons, the 
chief difficulty of the stomach is that of regularly filling it. 



PnospEKO. " BE FREE, AND FARE THOU WELL ! "-Shaktpeare. 


MARCH 6, 1869.] 




I used his influence to reinstate him in his former berth, but unfortu- 
: nately GOOSEY must needs blurt out his reason for this seeming 
! penitence and when Old BARNDOOR heard of IDA and of her magnili- 


IT was Christmas Day you recollect when GOOSEY was turned out of 
doors by the Jolly Old Cock, and on the same afternoon DAWSON DOR- 
MOUSE and TOM PORCUPINE gave him their spare room for as long as 
he liked to occupy it ; and DORMOUSE begged Mm to come and spend 
Christmas night, with a merry party of Dormice, to which also IOM 
PORCUPINE had received an invitation. 

So they kept Christmas happily among the Dormice, and there it | 
was that GOOSEY first saw the Little Duck, who was Governess to the 
younger members of the family. 

Miss IDA DRAKE was the young lady's name. Her father, the REV. j 
MR. DRAKE, had a curacy in a midland county : he possessed " a ' 
quiver full of them," and was not quite so happy as the commencement 
of that quotation would lead you to suppose. But it should be remem- 
bered that quivers are of all sizes, and if in one fashioned to accom- 1 
modate ten arrows you find yourself compelled to carry twelve or more, ! 
the problem becomes embarrassing. 

So it has fallen out with the REV. MR. DRAKE, and he was only too 
glad to send one of his elder arrows into the paternal bosom of a 
Dormouse ; that is, to accept his offer of a home for IDA, where she 
would be kindly treated, and be able to make a return to her benefactors 
by instructing the children, and taking the household under her'charge. 
For MRS. DORMOUSE was too great an invalid to superintend the 
domestic arrangements herself, and was delighted to obtain the advice 
and assistance of Miss IDA, who had had the experience of a " little 
Mother " in her own home. 

Miss IDA was not handsome : but hers was a beautiful face. 

" She has such a beauty," said PORCUPINE, thoughtfully, " as would 
calm a tempest." The servants respected her, the children loved her, 
and to their parents she was invaluable. 

GOOSEY BARNDOOR saw, and was conquered. 

It never struck him that having nothing to live upon was an obstacle 
to marriage. 

He thought, as he came to know her better and better, and the 
difficulty aforesaid had been judiciously represented to him, that if they j 
had notning, she was exactly the person to economise and make the 
most of that tremendous income. 

" Ducks and geese," a learned writer on Birds has said, (I think it 
is BISHOP STANLEY) " possess strong affection," or words to that 
effect ; and in a short time it was evident to any regular visitor at the j 
Dormouse Nest, that a real attachment had sprung up between our 
friend GOOSEY and Miss IDA. 

When a young man without a sixpence is head over ears in love 
with just the person with whom, irom a socially-advantageous point of 
view, he should not be in love, every one who does me the honour to 
read this, knows how readily the young gentleman will listen to sage 
counsel and advice ; how eager he is to profit by the experience of his 
seniors, and to avoid the frightful examples adduced for his benefit by 
those interested in his career. Every one, I say, must know how, in 
such a case, the words of wisdom are never thrown away : how easy 
it is to convince the young man of his error, and how cheerfully he re- 
linquishes his own headstrong and rash resolves, in order to adopt the 
prudent course set before him by his sincere well-wishers. 

Didn't we all, DAWSON DORMOUSE, PORCUPINE, and even that 

with great weight, and in a most affectionate manner, point out to him 
that though he (Old DORMOUSE) had married MRS. DORMOUSE witlwut 
either of them having a shilling, and had lived happily, healthily, 
wealthily, and wisely ever afterwards, yet that this was only an example 
proving the rule to the contrary, and therefore to be avoided ? Of 
course lie did ; and wasn't GOOSEY more struck bv his illustration than 
by his arguments ? And, to sum up, wasn't the result of all our 
counselling, and advising, and illustrating, and talking against impro- 
vident marriages, this, uamely, that young GOOSEY meeting Miss IDA 
the very next day by the ornamental water in St. James's Park, pro- 
posed to her there and then ? Undoubtedly. And what did we ? 
Why, we we shook hands with him heartily, and wished him joy, 
and told him he was a confoundedly lucky fellow. All, except KOCKY 
ROBBINS, the professional picker-up of crumbs, who did not foresee 
much for the fowls of the air from that table. 

IDA'S determination was, however, to teait until GOOSEY could get 
something to do. So first he ate humble-pie, and returned to nis 
father, like a prodigal as he wasn't. He professed himself ready and 
willing to return to the banking-house ana drudge to the full content 
of the Partners' hearts. 

Now at this the Jolly Old Cock might have come round, and have 

nor would he help them, nor in any way do anything for them, and so 
on, until he was purple with rage, when he flung out of the room, and 
GOOSEY, for the second time, was to all intents and purpose* kicked 
out of the house. Old BARNDOOR saw in liis son, and such a marriage, 
only an incumbrance and inconvenience to himself, and an obstacle to 
a plan which he was gradually preparing to carry out (not unconnected 
with that cunning little pianiste, who lodged with the SPRATTS), and 
so he would not for one minute countenance neb. a match as that 
upon which GOOSEY was then bent. 

We were all looking about for something for GOOSEY to do. DAWSOX 
DORMOUSE was most energetic in his own way. That is, he stayed in 
bed two hours later than his wont every day for a fortnight, in order, 
as he said, " to think the matter over thoroughly." 

The result was, that he strongly advised Goomrr to remain " on the 
spot." He also wrote letters to several people on the subject, most of 
whom wrote back to say that they 'd be delighted to oblige any friend 
of hit whenever they saw an opportunity, and then, no doubt, forgot 
the affair from that day to this. The applications were Bade in earnest, 
the answers were mere formalities. 

About this time the MACAWS, of MaeMr.-gare a party. They had 
very fine feathers had the MACAWS, and Uiey had the appearance of 
remarkably fine birds. That MR. MACAW possessed money's worth 
was evident from his house, horses, his carriages, and the plumage of 
MRS. MACAW and her daughter. , 

They were neither elegant nor refined, and indeed MR. MACAW 
would explain privately to such friends as he cared to trust with the 
secret, that all this paradin', and parties, and suppers, and operas 
were all given for the sake of the female MACAWS whose touching 
devotion to fashionable society deserved a more affectionate return 
than it at first received. 

It was old LADY DODO who first gave the MACAWS a lift, in conse- 
quence of the success of some speculation by which MACAW had 
managed to double her Ladyship's income. 

LADY DODO immediately introduced him to the MARQUIS o ARGUS 
(the family name is PEACOCK), LORD and LADY STORK, SIR JOBS 
PARTRIDGE and family, and many other influential personages who 
keep, as it were, the keys of the beau monde, though their recom- 
mendation can only secure an entrance without guaranteeing a perma- 
nent position. The latter must depend upon the Invisible Tribunal of 
that Social Committee before whom all, except Royalty, must appear. 
And even Royalty, sometimes at least on the Continent ; for is it not in 
last week's news that the Marquis of Something refused to admit 
PRINCE HUMBERT as a member of some musical society, and that the 
Old Nobility gave up their boxes when VICTOR-EMMANUIL visited the 
theatre at Nice ; so that the gay and gallant monarch, once so popular, 
sat in the Royal Box surrounded by a galaxy of theatrical orders sent 
for by the manager (who was bound to make a full house) and brought 
at the eleventh hour (that is punctually at eight, when the overture 
commences) out of the highways and byewavs, evening costumes 
being perhaps provided out of the wardrobe of the theatre. 

Then LADY DODO took up Miss MACAW, and advised her mother to 
give an artistic party, a concert, or amateur theatricals. 

" Well, but," quoth MRS. MACAW, " I know nobody who will act." 
Whereat LADY DODO smiled grimly (she had not been an inartistic 
performer in her day) and at her ladyship's next " at home " introduced 
MRS. MACAW to MR. TED NIPPER, known everywhere as the " Funny 
Dog," and also to MR. PAUL PARROT, whose imitations of popular 
actors are still, I believe, the delight of gay lads and lasses (from 
seventy downwards) who nightly throng the gilded saloons, and only 
depart when the stirrup-cup is prepared, and when the last saraband 
has been danced in the hall. 

How the MACAWS, the DODO, the STORKS, the PARTRIDGES, the 
FUNNY DOG and the PARROT, directly or indirectly, assisted to make, 
or made, or marred, or helped to mar the fortunes of the Goose and the 
Little Duck, will be duly recorded. For the present, a Chapter at 
least must be given to the FUNNY DOG and MR. PAUL PARROT. 
(To be 

Bailings for Bailings. 

SAY the Semi-Officials who scribble in Gaul, 

" Don't think, you brave Belgians, you make us sing small : 

From your chcmin-de-fer to expel us you fail. 

For, by Tuileries orders, we 're all on the rail." 

THE result of going out for a " Lark " very generally is, that th 
last part of the Lark you see is the Beak. 

ADDITION TO WALKER. Convent, ., a lunatic autonomy. 


[MARCH , 1869. 




As a Romish Bishop can absolve a Nun from her vows by virtue of a faculty 
obtained from the POPE, would it not be well to allow Nuns to make vows only on 
condition of observing them till canonically dispensed from their obligation ? 
Feelings change : a Sister might get tired of celibacy : and a fact came out in the 
evidence on a late trial which shows that some Sisters would make some men ex- 
cellent wives. One of the witnesses deposed that she had worn her veil for ten 
years ; another hers for a term still longer. No doubt they both of them make 
the rest of their clothes last a proportional length of time. 

Now a woman, such as one of these two Nuns, would be just the wife for a 
poor philosopher who remains single because he is deterred from matrimony by 
the fear of h'nendrapers' and milliners' bills. Such a philosopher would only throw 
away money by advertising for a wife accustomed to want a new dress as seldom 
as he wants a new suit. He would probably not find such a woman outside of a 
convent. But now he may know that within the walls of nunneries there are ladies 
who wear their veils as long as he wears his hat. If one of them could and would 
but have him, she might make him as happy as any philosopher in narrow circum- 
stances can be made by her who shares them. And almost all philosophers are 
in narrow circumstances. A man, endowed with sense enough to live as hap- 
pily as possible within his means, is usually possessed only of straitened means, 
and, being blest with prudence, has little of the pecuniary needful wherewithal to 
bless himself or anybody else. Evidently the only suitable wife for such a man is 
a Sister. 


DOWN with the Beershop, the dirty, the drear shop, 
That poisons the rustic whose legs are so small, 

And down with the Brewers, the tyrants, the screwers, 
That make the poor publican poison us all. 


Q. WHAT is the difference between a pitchfork and a tuning-fork ? 

A. The one is used to make hay with, and the other to make "A" with. 

my buoy." 


(Vide Report of Proceedings before the Judicial Committee of 
the Privy Council, in the "Times" of February la, on 
which this Romantic Legal Legend is founded, Namei 
exact. Facts not warranted) 

A CASE was brought 
Before the Court, 
The names we know 
As told at the Bar 


KachBkalayanSi Rungappo 
Kalaka Tola Oo-diar ; 
That 's one : the other less difficult far 


KachlvIjayS Rungappo 
Kalaka Tola Oodiar. 

The case was heard : 

At every word 

A voice laughed loudly out " ha, ha ! " 
Says the Judge, " I know 

That 's Ruugappo. 
Now officer, go ; 

Take Rungappo." 
Says the Officer, "Oh, 
Which Rungappo?" 

Says the Judge, " Bless me ! What a fool you arc ! 
The man you 're got to take, you know, 
Is Kachekalayana Rungappo 
Kalaka Tola Oodiar." 

They took up Kachekalayana. " Go 
To Prison you naughty Rungappo ! ' 
Says the Judge. 
" Oh fudge ! r> 

Says Rungappo, " this pas is faux, 
I didn't laugh, indeed, no, no. 
Says the Judge, " Then show 
To me the man who laughed just so 
Like this," and the Judge gave a loud " ha, ha ! " 
Says Kachekalayana, " Now, I know 
That 's Kachivijaya Rungappo 

Kalaka Tola Oodiar." 

" Now, Chorus ! " cried the whole of the Bar, 
" Sing Kachivijaya Rungappo, 
Kalaka Tola Oodiar." 

" I can't catch Kachivijaya, though 
I 've tried," says the Usher to Rungappo. 
" If you cannot Kachivijaya seize, 
He won't come back to pay his fees," 
Observed an attorney down below. 
Then suddenly cries, " Hullo ! hullo ! 
Why where 's the other Rungappo ? ''' 
Says the Usher, " Sir, when he heard of fees, 
A trembling shook the Indian's knees, 
And he ran away, like a frightened pup." 
" They 've gone," says the Judge, " so I'll sum up. 
" If Kachekalayana Rungappo 
Is in the right it follows, you know, 
That in the wrong is his mortal foe, 
Kachivijaya Rungappo." 

But which is which is not for us, 
To decide at all, but Jus is Jus 
Now let us sing, as away we go, 
Kachekalayana Rungappo ! 
Kachivijaya Rungappo ! 
So here 's to you both, whoever you are 
Kachekalayana ! 
Kachivijaya ! 
Kalaka Tola Oodiar ! 
Chorus (by every one concerned). Kachekalayana ! 

Kachivijaya ! 
Kalaka Tola Oodiar. 

[Exeunt omnes. 

An Unhappy Misnomer. 

A NEWSPAPER paragraph advertises a "celebrated kid 
glove" by the name of JOSEPHINE." This is very un- 
historical. Poor JOSEPHINE owed her divorce from the 
benefactor of his species to the misfortune of being kidless. 

MARCH 6, 1869.] 




RB you benevolent, anxious to 
relieve a case of real distress, 
and to lay your head on its 
pillow at night, conscious that 
you can say with PETER THE 
GREAT, that yon have not lost 
a day ? Make known, then, 
over your Julienne or a la 
Seine, the following piteous 
appeal to any one you may 
think able to alleviate the des- 
titution it discloses : 

A GENTLEMAN, who dines 
occasionally in the City, 
Becks information where good 
soup may be obtained, SERVED 
UP HOT. He i aware it ii a 
secret known only to a few, and 
he will make a donation to some 
London charity for reliable infor- 

Modest gourmet! He does 
not crave a loan, or a wife, or 
a Government appointment in 
exchange for a douceur: he 
only sighs for hot soup. May 
his soupir not be unheeded ! 
(N.B. If you dislike that push- 
ing wora "reliable," quote it 
under protest.) 

Not improbably the conver- 
sation will now take a culinary 
turn in Dublin the tendency 
would very likely be CULLBN- 
ary and you will find your 
SR ad vantage 'in having read such 

a savoury old work as The 

Original, and such a succulent new one as The Epicure's fear Book, an 
annual, we hope, will long flourish ; but beware of fishing up from 
your common-place memory anything so stale as the story of the great 
chef who killed himself because the turbot did not come in time, or 
SYDNEY SMITH'S receipt for salad, or DR. JOHNSON'S partiality for 
veal-pie with plums, or LORD ELDON'S fondness for liver and bacon. 

The Fine Arts are nearly related; one introduces another. The 
pleasures of the palate are in most men's mouths (one of the few things 
in which woman is the inferior creature) ; the delights of the palette are 
almost as much appreciated. Cooks are great female artists, women 
of taste, but . the ladies who show their 'paintings in Conduit Street 
are greater, at least aesthetically (this once idolised word has been 
somewhat neglected of late) ; so leave oil and vinegar for oil and 
water, and touch on the pictures, and drawings, and studies in the 
various Exhibitions at present open, with the air of an expert and the 
mien of a judge. Next, as a suitable introduction to the politics you 
must come to let us keep away from the Irish Church as long as we 
can, for the services there will be protracted and weary descant on the 
meeting of the two Houses, on the coalition of the two Companies, 
(like the Siamese with one band between them), under Mr. Prime 
Minister GYE, and Mr. Leader of the Opposition MAPLESON, and on 
the aviary of singing birds that are to make Covent Garden melodious, 
with the coming of the sweet airs and showers of April ; postponing for 
a few happy moments WILLIAM and BENJAMIN, ROBERT and JOHN, to 
linger with the Lady Superiors of Song, PAULINE and ADBLINA, 
CHRISTINE and TERESA. (We congratulate everybody on their break- 
fast table being free from " The Great Convent Case," and are ready 
to take all sorts of vows never to hint at it again.) 

for a few moments only ! For WILLIAM GLADSTONE will be heard 
betore WMum Tell; MICHAEL COSTA may or may not be Conductor, 
but BENJAMIN DISRAELI is now the Leader of a powerful band : there 
is a Don (lioranm to be listened to at Westminster as well as at Covent 
Garden, and the tale of his conquests is not yet complete ; there is 
more than one Robert, with a Budget not likely to be quite so amusing 
as Figaro; and Les Huguenots may set us a-thinking of the massacre 
that is impending of Bishops, and Deans, and Pastors without flocks ; 
of columns of newspapers, and divisions in lobbies ; of manoeuvres, 
and tactics, and skirmishes, and general engagements ; and of all the 
defeats and victories in the great campaign, perhaps another SevenYears' 
War, the first shot of which was fired on St. David's Day, the last 
bayonet-thrust dealt when P The Greek Kalends or Latter Lammas 
would be as easy a date to fix. 

Drink your Chateau Lafitte, or your Chateau Ordinaire, whichever 
it may chance to be, smoke the hodman's clay or the Sultan's chibouque, 
care no more for the Established Church of Ireland than you do for 

the worship and ritual of Buddha, have as little feeling for Bishops as 
for Bonzes, be as ignorant of Politics as of protoplasms, be indifferent 
to all parties but evening ones ; you must talk, and will be talked to 
about Dis-&c. and l)is-&c. , and the College of May nooth, and the llegium 
Donum, and the Act of Union, and the Coronation Out h, and Protestant 
Ascendency, and Papal Aggression, and Tithe Rent Charges, and 
GLADSTONE s magnificent speech of three hours and a half, and !):>- 
RAEI.I'S equally splendid oration of three hours and three-quarters 
so, for there is no ticket-of-leave for you, incarcerate yourself! and read 
blue-books, and pamphlets and debates, and come out as well informed 
upon the subject of the Irish Church, as you already are on the laws of 
short whist, or the public running of the best two-year-olds ot 
the new regulations as to Court Dress, or the Gulf Stream. 


UPPBB House of Convocation 
To the QUEEN a mild address pens, 

Groaning o'er Gladstonization, 
But not louder than some press pens. 

Lower House of Convocation 

O'er the mild address of Upper 
Falls to fierce recalcitration, 

Scorning bit and breaking crupper, 

Finds it Gallio-like and gall-less ; 

Sprinkling with mere milk and water 
Sacrilege what can you call less, 

GLADSTONE'S conduct o'er the water ? 

Adds to it a brace of riders- 
Moved by canons and arch-deacons 

Pitching into the backsliders, 
Who would quench pur Irish beacons 

Calling GLADSTONE'S Irish measures 

Clean un-Christianization ; 
Wilful wast'ry of the treasures 

Of the glorious Reformation. 

Its "Anathema, Maranatha " 
Thundering in the old Church fashion, 

On the family of wrath a- 
bout to encroach the Church's cash on. 

Gently, Lower-House dividers ! 

Lest folks claw back when yon claw them : 
And if you must needs draw rt riders," 

Try if you can't milder draw them. 

Hunting men (without implying 

Thereby anything censorious) 
Say the Clergy for supplying 

Hardest-" riders " are notorious. 

Bnt by Clerics to be chidden 

Ends in riling Lay outsiders : 
JOHN BULL now, if once priest-ridden, 

Won't stand Clerical rough-" riders." 

A Publicola's Plea. 

EVERYBODY who has the public interest at heart will rejoice that the 
Conservative element in the House of Commons obliged VISCOUNT 
BURY to withdraw his motion for leave to bring in a Bill to repeal that 
portion of the Act, Gth Queen Anne, chap. 7, which necessitates the 
re-election of Members accepting office under the Crown. The main- 
tenance of the law requiring such Members to be re-elected often 
occasions a contested election, which is always a good thing for the 

Two Great Worka. 

THI Dundee Advertiser says that since the ugly revelations in the 
great RUMBLE case were published, information of similar mal-practices 
has been pouring in on the Admiralty from all sides, and that M K. 1 
" the indefatigable secretary," is giving up his time and attention to 
routing out these rogues in and out of the office, at the cost of much 
personal ill-will. All Punch can say is, Bravo, BAXTER! The Member 
for Dundee is determined that hit great work shall not be Baxter 1 * 
Saints' Rest, but Baxter's Sinners' Dufurtanee. 

A BOOKWORM'S OBSERVATION. When a man has got turned of 70, 
he is in the Appendix of Life. 



[MARCH 6, 1869. 


Railway Porter (to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets). " 'STATION MASTER SAY, MUM, AS CATS is ' DOGS,' AND KABBITS is 


LONG last the Law of England to govern great and small, 
Within this kingdom paramount, alike for one and all, 
And, with respect to persons, no distinction ever draw : 
No Prince, no Priest, no Prelate here, no soul above the Law ! 

Let other nations patch up their Concordats with Rome's See, 
But never to such compromise do thou, JOHN BULL, agree, 
Monks against monks for justice, against nuns if nuns should stand, 
Be there for them the Junes still, and Judges of the Land. 

Superiors in the witness-box, and Bishops too, must show, 
And at their peril testify of what the Court would know ; 
A Cardinal could be enforced, if need were, to appear : 
The POPE might be subpoena'd if his Holiness were here. 

No priestly jurisdiction to suffer let us deign, 
But in old England evermore our English Law maintain ; 
That law, of human reason the perfection that would be, 
Of but a few absurdities if it were only free. 


MB, PUSCH for many reasons has a high esteem for Manchester. 
But his esteem is not enhanced by this statement in the Times : 

" In comparison with the metropolis, it appears that in Manchester alone 
more than 3000 lives are annually sacrificed to personal dirt, municipal 
stupidity, and social neglect." 

The death-rate in Manchester is higher than in any other city in the 
kingdom ; and this, we are informed, is owing chiefly to its dirt. Death 
and dirt go often hand in hand in crowded cities, and the dirtier a 
place is the more deadly will it prove to be. If Manchester would send 
its dirty people to the wash, the chances of longevity to the rest of its 
inhabitants would doubtless be increased. 


PUNCH has not yet read a novel called Mela's Faith (he has no faith 
in meters, the gas-chaps cheat awfully), but the tongue of good report 
hath been heard in its favour. And if there is much in it; like this, he 
is sure it is worth reading : 

" A family without the masculine element is something like an egg without 
salt. . . Even if a man can do nothing else in a house, he seldom fails to 
give the women about him abundant opportunities for self-denial, and so 
brings out the noblest part of their nature. , . 

A very well planted hit, dear lady-author. If women habitually 
fought their battles with such neat fence as this, men would not think 
that they always get the best of it, as they now do. However ha ! 
ha ! will the wives thank you, MRS. META. Is not the above a hint 
for a good excuse for a man's dining out, and refusing an evening 
party ? That 's our riposte. 

Respectability Presents her Compliments. 

WHAT though, to show how warm well-doers thrive, 
Her Gig Respectability may drive P 
She begs to say (after a late sad tumble), 
She may ride in a Gig, but scorns a Rumble. 
Admiralty Office, Somerset House. 


ABNORMAL growths must be more common than is generally sup- 
posed, judging by the number of afflicted people who confide to you 
that a song grows upon them. 

WHY doe* the commerce of our country, as represented by the 
Gladstone Ministry, present a strange anomaly ? 
Because though our Trade is BRIGHT, our Exchequer is LOWE. 

Printed byJoseph Smith, of No M Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, In the CountT of Middlesex, at the Pnntinfr Offlce* of Messrs. Bradbury, Eyans, 4 Co.. Lombard 
6trt,li> tne Frecmct of Wnjtefnars, la the City of London , and Published by him at No. 85. Fleet' Street, in tin- 1'aribh of St Bride. City of London. SITCIDII, March 6, 1869. 

MARCH 13, 1869.] 



T is possible that 
you may find peo- 
ple more ready to 
talk, over the 
fpergnt, of the 
contest which will 
nesday, the 17th, 
at four o'clock, 
than of the conflict 
to commence on 
Thursday, the 18, 
about the same 
hour, and dispos- 
ed to take a keener 
interest in the 
Oxford and Cam- 
bridge Boat Race, 
than in the " Bill 
to put an end to 

the Establishment of the Church in Ireland." Should you be placed 
next thoughtless creatures like these, in whose eyes the row on the 
.ies is far more important than the row on the Liffey, you will, of 
course, lament to yourself the frivolous indifference of society to the 
approaching extinction of Archdeacons in Ireland, and the absence of j 
all excitement on such stirring subjects as Glebe Houses, and the 
County Cess but you will do well to put your oar in and go with the 
stream, and drift away for awhile from the See of Dublin to the river 
that runs by Putney and Mortlake. 

So be readv furnished with the customary details of the number of 
years Oxford has won in succession, and the reasons always given 
for the defeat of Cambridge, and the names, weights, and colours of 
the rowers, and MR. MORRISON'S coaching, and Hammersmith Bridge, 
and the behaviour of the steamers, and the conduct of the towing-path ; 
using one or two becoming boating phrases feathering, and jerky 
action, and pulling well together, ana catching crabs, and the like, 
although you may be as ignorant of aquatics as you are of hydraulics 
and not forgetting to refer to that " Annut Mira&ilit " when Oxford 
won seven-handed, or to speak of the race as "the river Derby." 

Do all this, artfully concealing your own preference until you have 
found out whether she is a dark blue or a light blue, and you will get 
credit for having quite a flow of conversation, enough to tide you over 
dinner, unless, as you are on the river, you are reminded of the threat- 
ened reduction in the number of the swans on Linlithgow Loch, owing 
to the desperate condition of the public finances ; or prefer to speak at 
ngth of Miss SWAN, the Nova-Scotian giantess ; or the gulls on 
the Serpentine; or the Bill for the preservation of Sea-birds; or that 
which is to permit you to marry your deceased wife's sister a subject, 
perhaps, as well avoided if you have a wife, and she is within hearing 
or the playful notion of ERASMUS LAMBLEY'S, whose fireside circle is 
not considered by his friends to be the happiest in Woburnia, that a 
Mother Superior must be a Mother-in-law ; or any other harmless little 
joke you can extract from the lighter topics of the day, such as the 
Army and Navy Estimates, the Bankruptcy Bill, or the Election petitions. 
What an impetus the trials of these petitions must have given to a 
better acquaint mice with English Geography! Did you know, Ix 
MARTIN and WILI.ES and BLACKBURN began to reign, in what counties 
Bewdlcy and Bodmin and Stalybridge and Westbnry were situated f 
About as accurately as yon do now the position of Kashgar and Yark- 
and, and the exact whereabouts of Semipalatinsk, or the Issy-Kul Lake. 
Where 's Wisran ? At the <: nifty, is. we believe, the only answer you 
are able to give, without turning to the atlas. 

Slightly Different Conclusions. 

IN a scientific lecture at Paris, lately, the lecturer exhibited enlarged 
photographs of notabilities by the magnesium light, throwing the rest 
of the theatre into darkness. When the EMPEROR'S photograph was 
seen, it was saluted by a storm of seditious cries from all parts of the 
darkened house. " A la porf ."' " I'ice la lUpublique !' " II fen 
ira bifiitiit ! " and so forth. Query. Is the logical inference from this, 
that all those who abuse the EMPEROR are in the dark, or that every- 
body, in the dark, abuses the KMIT.HOK? 


W r E are told that " the agricultural statistics of Ireland show an 
increase of meadow and clover." This improvement and her brighter 
Church prospects lead us to hope that Ireland is at last in clover. We 
trust that the seeds of discontent will now cease to be sown. 


WITH reference to the late Convent Case, the Pan* Correspondent 
of the Pott says : 

" Tho ioandaUof the convent* of Italy and Spain would throw your very 
mild little drams into the shade. The inttrumraU of torture employed in the 
monastic establishment.- of Italy are more like thon which may be Men in the 
Tower of London, though not 10 terrible, I coufcm. 1 remember that 
VIANELIJ, a Neapolitan artist, who punted interior* of churche* and con- 
vent*, had a collection of ' discipline iiutrumunta,' which he had contrived 
from time to time to extract from convent*. Therv win- rod* of fine wire, 
collar* at inn, heavy ring*, heavy iron (hoe*, and torn* lueer little thing* 
which wouU puzzle you to conceive how they wen applied to the body. I am 
-; . .ikiiii; of duvs when the civil power in Italy could not penetrate a mooaitic 
establishment without Church permission." 

Of course there is no fear that an/ such articles a* those above- 
specilied would be found, on investigation, among toe disciplinary 

loll). IlUIHIill 

,-.,_-. ST thine than 

what it is in Italy ; and, although clandestine letter- writing to friends 
appears to be about the highest crime known to conventual law, no 
educated person conversant with genteel society, can possibly imagine 
that, in any nunnery throughout these dominions, a Sister has ever to 
suffer anything much worse than being crowned with a duster, or 
having to wear a pair of boots hung round her neck. Besides, the Italian 

'iere differs from our own ; and the suggestion that any kind of 
inspection of monastic establishments in this country is advisable, 

in the true interests of civil and religious liberty, be too 
promptly pooh-poohed. 

is and apparatus of any convent in the United '. 
nature in England, and even in Ireland, is quite 



Cheering Intelligence. 

ACCORDING to a contemporary, on delivery of the verdict in Sauna 

v. Star 

" A chocr arose in Westminster Hall, which was immediately taken up out- 

" Taken np?" Indeed ''. Taken up by the police, ch, and ca 
to Bow Street? But which Vas taken up, pray the chr 
minster Hall ? One might leam to be more cartful in attending to 
one's grammar, when one has been recounting the quibbles of a law case. 

I N WORK. The public will learn with satisfaction that a use has been 
found for Ex-Colonial Bishops. Several of them are now industriously 
employed as curates to those Prelates at home who are unable to attend 
to their official duties. 




[MAKCH 13, 1869. 


Stranger (just arrived at the city of Eastminsler). 



Waiter. " WELL, SIR, THEKE "s THE CATHEDRAL ! ! " 



WELL, now the Convent Scandal's done, 

Fade out of memory let it. 
At least, as touching monk and nun, 

Agree we to forget it. 
You've liad a peep'behind the veil ; 

'Twas rather melancholy : 
But never rake up that old tale, 

Or take your place with WHALLEY 

The worst of nunneries we know, 

By recent revelation ; 
And nothing wiser should we grow 

Through more investigation. 
Inspection of them only name. 

And you '11 talk such mere folly 
That everybody will exclaim, 

" Why, you 're as bad as WHALLEY ! " 

The " Upper Ten " have not a few 

Relations in the Cloister, 
Oh, do not say reduced unto 

The level of an oyster ! 
If highborn maidens scrub the floor, 

What then ? The subject is a bore. 

Don't dwell on it, you WHALLEY.! 

That faith whence Convents do proceed 

A Marquis has enlisted ; 
The social influence of that creed 

Is not to be resisted. 
Let it alone to work its way, 

While we ourselves are jolly : 
Whoever tries the tide to stay, 

Him we will call a WHALLEY. 

A bigot, crazed with anile zeal, 

Is each man that opposes, 
In aught, those priests who the genteel 

Are leading by their noses. 
On him, of scorn and ridicule 

Keep up a constant volley. 
Kin to the baser part of mule 

Is he ; his bray all WHALLEY. 

Swells. ' 


RUMOURS of further considerable retrenchments and reductions reach 
us from various Public Departments. 

The birds are to be taken off the ornamental waters in the Parks, as 
it is not thought right to make ducks and drakes of the Public Money. 
White ducks will be discontinued in the Navy. The sea-gulls on the 
Serpentine are to be sent back at their own expense. 

A Treasury Minute is about to be issued intimating that gentlemen 
in the Civil Service of the Crown will in future be expected to provide 
their own soap iu their rooms, and to pay for the washing of the Go- 
vernment towels. When the towels now in use are worn out, they 
will not be replaced out of the public funds. 

With a view to increase the average duration of the National matting, 
a memorandum has been transmitted requesting gentlemen never to 
omit carefully cleansing their boots before entering from the street. 
Neglect of this injunction may bring them into a scrape. 

The people's matches are on no pretext to be used for kindling cigars 
or lighting pipes. 

A fee of one shilling will in future be charged to strangers wishing 
to see the New Foreign and India Offices. Photographs (cabinet size) 
of the Secretaries of State for these Departments will be on sale in the 
Messengers' rooms. 

A further reduction is contemplated in the Army. The mounted 
sentries will be withdrawn from the Horse Guards, where they have 
stood for centuries. 

It is proposed to make the new Park railings profitable as well as 
ornamental, by allowing advertising boards to be suspended upon them. 
Tenders to be addressed to the Board of Trade. 

In the construction of any new vessel of war the figure-head will be 

There will be no Rhododendrons placed in the Park this season. 


A COMPANY has been formed to fish up the pieces of eight aboard 
the Spanish ships sunk in Vigo Bay by ADMIRAL ROOKE in 1! 
COLONEL GOWEN, who dealt so successfully with the wrecks in Sebas- 
topol Harbour, is to superintend the diving operations. 

" MERCATOR" writes to the Times to remind sanguine investors that 
the same venture was tried a great many years ago, and with no better 
return than a certain amount (limited) of crockery and pewter. Under 

:cause It 8 (jrOWEN. 

A Company to sink money is very common. A Company to recover 
sunk money is not quite so familiar. 

May COLONEL GOWEN'S adventurers recover not only a little pewter 
like their predecessors, but a great deal of tin into the bargain. 

A Thing Done by Half. 

THE first act of the new Parliament has been the rejection of MR. 
FAWCETT'S Election Expenses Bill, intended to enable candidates in 
moderate circumstances to get cheaply into the House of Commons. 
As all the harm that briberv and corruption can do is that of giving 
wealth the preponderance m legislation over intelligence and morality, 
the House, which negatives the only measure calculated to insure 
purity of election, may as well, while they are about it, repeal the Anti- 
bribery Act of last Session. 

A BRIEF EXISTENCE. A Barrister's. 

MOTTO JOR IGNATIUS. 'Tis Parson strange. 



[Gentleman in distance tea every chance of finishing the run on foot, and is grateful in proportion. 


MONDAY. March 1. The Great Magician began to utter the Words 
of Power that, when all are said, shall set the Protestant Ariel free, 
and bid her fare far better than ever. That night, the FENIAN CALIBAN 

" had cramps, 

Side stitches that did pen his breath ufj ; urchins 
Did for that rant of night that they; might work 
All exercise on him. That most lying slave, 
\Ylmm stripes might move, not kindness," 

felt that soon his occupation would be gone, or else 

But to the Words. 

New Year's Day, 1871, will see the Irish and the English Churches 

But the work of Disestablishment and Disendowment is to begin on 
the passing of the Bill, the Second Heading whereof stands for the 
18th of this month. 

Then is the present Ecclesiastical Commission for Ireland to be 
wound up, and a new one formed. For the purposes now before us, 
the Church is to be under two Governments, one, the State's, to last 
ten years, one her Own, to last as long as the Church pleases. 

The first is a $tto Commission, appointed by the State. 

The second is a (SSototrmng JjaBu, elected by the Church. 

No new Vested Interests are to be created after the passing the Act, 
but for the temporary government of the Church, spiritual appoint- 
ments may be made. 

The QUEEN loses her prerogative of appointing Bishops ; but, on the 
prayer of the Church, may nominate them for spiritual purposes. 

The Irish Bishops at once depart from the House of Lords. 

Synodical action is to be restored to the Irish Church, and it is invited 
to elect a body which shall fairly represent bishops, priests, and laymen 
of the Anglican communion, and if the Government shall consider that 

To this body, which it will be convenient to call the 0. B. (let a* 
hope the initials will also mean Gret Blessing), will be set over so 
much of the property of the Church as she is to retain. Careful calcu- 
lations have been gone into as to the value of that property, and of the 
rightful claims upon it, and it will be seen that provision a made for 
the clergy of various ranks. 

Incumbents are to have their net income (less cnrates salaries) so 
long as they discharge their duty. Or, if they please, the annuitr 
representing their interest may be commuted, and handed to the G. B., 
subject to the trust of paying the income while duty is done. 

Curates are divided into two sorts, the Permanent and the Transitory. 
The former are to have the same provision as Incumbents ; the latter 
are to be dealt with as are Civil Servants. 

No, aged ladies of both sexes. MR. GLADSTONE does not plunder the 
Private Endowments, nor does he hand over the Protestant churches 
to the Papists. On the contrary, every private endowment since King 
CHARLES TUB SECOND'S Restoration (before which MR. GLADSTONE 
holds that the Irish Church was Calvinistic, and different from our own) 
is to be religiously preserved to the G. B. These are valued at half a 
million. And as for the churches, they are to be handed to the G. B. 
conditionally on its keeping them in order for divine service, or under- 
taking to pull them down, and build others where there are more 
Protestants. And, 

Twelve churches, which are national memorials, or objects of art, are 
to be maintained by the Commission. Ruined churches, or such as are 
refused by the G. B., are to be transferred to the Board of Works, to be 
taken down, and the materials and the land sold. 

Nor are the Protestant Church Burial Grounds to be given up to 
Popish ghouls, but are to pass with the churches, all rights reserved. 
All other burial-grounds go to the Guardians of the Poor. 

We disincline to trouble you about Glebe Houses and the trlebe, 

lest, like ADDISON, 

"In the sultry glebe you faint. 

such bodyls properly representative, the QUEEN will recognise^t, and^it 
will govern the Irish Free Episcopal Church of the future. 
Governing Body that has been mentioned. 

But take it from us that the proposed arrangements are very just to 

This is the the Church. 

Would you like to know the value of the Public Endowments of 



[MARCH 13, 1869. 

the Irish Church? Ma. GLADSTONE estimates them at Sixteen 

Now. when we have said that Ecclesiastical laws and courts are 
to be abolished on the passing of the Act, but that the former may be 
accepted by the Church in the way of Voluntary Compact, until the 
G. B. shall please to alter them, we proceed to mention that 

The Grant to Maynooth (Catholic), and the Regium Domim (Presby- 
terian), the former 20,000 a year the latter about 50,000, are to be 
continued for Fourteen Years. Fierce is Opposition wrath at this, 
which is described as giving Maynooth 380,000, out of Protestant 
money, a distinct violation of MR. GLADSTONE'S pledge. There will 
be a row, especially as the gift is made permanent, instead of being at 
the annually expressed will of Parliament, which might be ultra- 

It is hinted, very broadly, to Trinity College, Dublin, that it will 
have to be overhauled shortly. 

The tithe rent-chargebut you don't understand that, my dear. 
Well, never mind. It is a very important matter, affecting the land, 
and MR. GLADSTONE has devis'ed a plan by which the landowners can 
get the charge " merged " on easy terms. When the matter is fought 
over in Committee, Mr. Punch, will tell you as much about it as it is 
good for you to know. 

All the Clmrch Lands are to be sold, and the present tenant is to 
have the refusal of his portion, and if he likes to buy he is to be helped 
with a loan of three-quarters of the money, to be repaid by instal- 

The Income of the Irish Church is calculated at 700,000 a year. 

Now then, 

Of the Enormous Sum which has to be dealt with, the Sixteen 

Eight Millions and a half is to go back to the Church, for the pur- 
poses which have been mentioned. 

There will be upwards of Seven Millions and a half for MR. GLAD- 
STONE to deal with, and as a delightful writer says, " What will he do 
with it P " 

We '11 tell you what he will not do with it. 

It is not to go to any Church. 

Not for any teaching of religion. 

Not for Education, or we should soon be in quarrel. 

Not for public works, for the Irish would "job," and "scramble," 
and besides, the arrangement would not be final. 

Not for railways, for similar reasons. 

But the application should bear Legible Marks of a Christian 
character. Therefore, 

Let us apply the money in aid of that region of want and suffering 
which lies between the independent part of the population, and the 
purely pauperised population, the region where the Poor Laws work 

Let us first, and most largely, provide for Uunatica. 

[Here Mr. Punch interpolateth, at his sweet will, a'note. What did 
DEAN SWIFT write P That he, too, would give the surplus of his pro- 
perty in the same direction, in Ireland. Vide Cartoon. He said : 

" He left the little wealth he had 
To build a house for fools or mad 
To show, by one satiric touch, 
So Nation wanted it so much."'] 

The other objects of aid are to be the Deaf and Dumb, and the 
Blind, the Training of Nurses, Reformatories, Industrial Schools, and 

Surety the Christian character is, as Milton says, " writ large " there. 

Such is the Magician's scheme. It was expounded in a speech of 
three hours, a speech in which an artist, whose praise is worth having, 
MR. DISRAELI, " willingly admitted that there was not a phrase too 
much." That its lucid order should surpass that with which Mr. Punch 
has presented the plan is not in the nature of things, but Mr. Punch 
willingly admits that his own lucidity was paralleled. And though he 
seldom stoops from epigram to eloquence, he can cordially admire 
the glowing words winch sent argu nent home to the heart, and on 
this occasion he will immortalise an orator's peroration. It will be 
historical. As regarded the Irish Church, he said, 

" I venture to believe that when, instead of that fictitious position in which 
we have too long bolstered up the Irish Establishment, it is called on to trust 
to its own resources, to its sacred mission, to all that it can draw from ite 
ministers and members, and all the high hopes of tne Gospel which it teaches, 
it will find that it has entered upon a new era of its existence, an era blight 
with promise and instinct with life." 

And thus he concluded, nobly : 

" The credit and powr of this assembly are involved. This assembly, 
which has inherited long ages of accumulated honour, in numberless trials of 
peaceful legislation, is now called upon to address itself to a task which would 
nave demanded the best energies of the best of our fathers and ancestors. I 
believe it will prove itself worthy of the task. Should it fail, even the fame 
of this assembly will suffer disparagement ; should it succeed, its fame will 
receive no small or insensible addition. . . . We are sanguine of the 

issue. We know the controversy is near its end, and for my part I may 
say I am deeply convinced that when the day of final consummation shall 
send forth the words that give the force of law to this work of peace and 
justice, those words will be echoed from every shore where the names of 
Ireland and of Great Britain are known, and that the answer will come back 
in the approving verdict of civilised mankind." 

MR. DISRAELI said that his side had not changed its opinions, but 
looked on the Disestablishment as a grave political error, and upon 
Disendowment, especially for secular purposes, as Confiscation. He 
bore the tribute Punch has cited, and would not oppose the introduc- 
ti9n of the Bill. But notice has since been given that on the 18th he 
will move that the Bill be read a Second Time that day six months. 
So we are to have battle. 

With such a Whale in the offing, we have no care for the little 
fishes. Those who like to catch them can. Brazil is thought to have 
ended her Slave Trade, so we are to abolish our high-handed Act under 
which we seize slave-ships in her waters. MR. FA.WCETT, against re- 
monstrances, persisted in getting himself beaten on the proposal to 
throw hustings expenses on rates, a new Member gracing his maiden 
speech with mentioning that one of his constituents had declared he 
would see him D before he 'd pay such a charge. A London Tramways 
Bill was read a Second Time by a large majority. MR. TOM HUGHES'S 
Sunday Trading Bill is to be referred to a Committee. Another Com- 
mittee is to consider the means of promoting purity at Elections, and 
the HOME SECRETARY declared himself a convert to the Ballot. 

But the pleastintest hearing was MR. LOWE'S announcement that the 
Abyssinian Expedition, which was warranted to cost us only Five 
Millions, will certainly have cost us Eight and a half, and probably 
more. There are prettier things in the South Kensington Museum 
than those crowns and robes, and things that have cost a deal less. 

The Bill for dealing, not gently, with gentle BILL Si KES, has been 
read twice by the Lords. The Commons heard LORD E. CECIL on 
adulterations and bad measures, but were persuaded by MR. POCHIN 
and MR. BRIGHT that these are small grievances, that tradesmen cheat 
themselves as often as their customers, and that the adulterations are 
rather beneficial than not ; so the poorer class are still to be victimised. 
The Bill against the snobs and ruffians who murder the poor sea-birds 
made progress, and a Bankruptcy Bill has been introduced, based on 
the Scotch system, which allows those who understand a debtor's case, 
and are most interested in his prosperity, to manage his affairs in their 
own way. MR. HENRY JAMES has turned out SERJEANT Cox, and is 
the able Member for Taunton. 


STALE enough is the old story how a fishwoman was put into a rage 
by being called a parallelogram. But though hard words break no 
bones, there are few of us who relish them. Where, for instance, is 
the man who does not slightly feel disgusted when informed that he, in 
fact, is nothing more than a mere protoplasm ? Yet any one who reads 
PROFESSOR HUXLEY'S recent paper will find that this is how a man 
ought to be designated. If folks were all as learned as the erudite 
Professor, what curious remarks might be dropped about a dinner- 
table ! Fancy hearing somebody observe that he had 1 lately met a 
protoplasm, that had told him how the Income-Tax was going to be 
doubled ! Or imagine the dismay of an elegant young lady at being told 
that a distinguished Irish protoplasm, expected later in the evening, 
was dying, positively dying, to be introduced to her ! Punch envies 
the great minds that, by the aid of science, can throw light on the 
momentous question, " What is man ? " But Punch, without a spark 
of envy can contemplate the society where men are only mentioned by 
the name of protoplasms, and where talkers use large words to hide 
their littleness of thought. 


" Steps are being taken, we believe, to re-open the Great Convent Case of 
Samin v. Star and Kennedy." 

A MORE distressing announcement has not been made for a long 
time. The rumour will be received with consternation by thousands of 
newspaper readers who are hardly yet convalescent after three weeks of 
weary suffering, and can see no end for months to come to the Election 
Petitions and the Irish Church. The thought that columns of the 
paper may again be filled day by'day with the Great Convent Case, 
must bring terror and dismay to many a happy breakfast-table. The 
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE is expected to resign, and take a peerage. 

Operation on Old Kile. 

A SUBSCRIPTION was started amon^c the inmates of Colney Hatch 
for the purpose of engaging an eminent Surgeon to accompany the 
PRINCE and PRINCESS or WALES on their Egyptian expedition, and 
couch the cataracts of the Nile. 



[MARCH 13, 1869. 




(To be Continued.) 





Mu!CH 13, 1869.] 





MR. Tun Nipi'KK, the Frsxv Doo. is what is called in society an 
Acquisition. He is formed by nature for a drawing-room low comedian, 
and possesses certain advantages over the professional Droll, inasmuch 

between the former and the latter, or rather, the former and the 
per-former." But then WAOO is nick a fellow! 

W.MJO (while 1 am on the subject) is not equal to NIPPER, that 
is, in society's opinion, though in reality little WAM is original and 
\ \ PPKII is not ; moreover he says clever things, which is utterly beyond 
NIPPER, who is simply a Droll. Sometimes they are asked to a party 
together, when NIPPER, in conversation at the dinner-table, is utterly 
snuffed out by WAGG ? and is, so to speak, nowhere. In fact, on this 
occasion, but for the justice he does to the dishes and drinks, NIPPER 
might as well be under the table as at it. He seldom ventures upon a 
passage of arms with WAGG without being speedily shut up and dis- 
comiltcd ; when, with much tact, he joins the laugh against himself, 
and gives such a comical roll of his eyes, and such a funny little abrupt 
cough, by way of an aside, as puts WACO'S witty repartee out of every 
one's mind, and sets them laughing at and with NIPPER. NIPPER 
professes much friendly feeling for WAOO, and secretly envies him his 
talent. WAGG affects to patronise NIPPER, whom he treats as a hope- 
less buffoon. 

" How d'ye do P " says MR. NIPPER to MR. WAGO one day. At 
which funny speech his admirers went into shrieks of laughter. "For 
you see," as that giggler HY.KSER explained to me, "it's not so much 
what he says, but the way he says it ; in which observation I perfectly 

When the FUNNY DOG gave utterance to the above memorable 
speech, he accompanied it with a shrug of the shoulders, a closing 9f 
the eyes, and a pursed-up smile which increased the merriment of his 
audience. He can't even say the most commonplace thing without 
some drollery of this sort. 

"Hallo! JACK PUDDING," replied Ma. WAGG, "what a pity it is 
old WIDDICOMJ* isn't alive: you'd have made a fortune with him as 
the Clown at Astley's. I wonder you don't take to a Circus now ? " 

Whereat MR. NIPPER was very much annoyed, as he informed me 
afterwards, privately ; but at the moment all he did was to imitate a 
Clown in a Circus, asking MR. WAGO whether there was " anything 
he could go for to fetch for to carry for to bring," and other conven- 
tional funuimcnts of the Circus level. MR. HY.KNER at this was in 
yells of laughter again, and as for Miss CATTERINE CEESSER (a young 
lady who is always, according to her own account, either " shrieking ' 
or screaming " with exuberant merriment), she fairly " went off " in a 
high giggling key, and begged MR. NIPPUR, in an exhausted voice 
from behind a small pocket-handkerchief, " not to be so very absurd." 
VIST DOG was much hurt by WAGG'S expressed opinion of him 
as a buffoon. 

" Hang it ! " he says to his intimate friends, " I 'm not a buffoon, 
am 1 It" His tone is so piteous that you can't find it in your heart to 
tell him that WAOO isn't far wrong, even if not entirely right. So 
NIPPUR'S friend, probably MARSH TOADIE, replies, 

" Buffoon, my dear fellow, of course not. You 're a deuced good 
actor, and WAGG 's jealous. It was only for the sake of saying a smart 
thin? before Miss Cin> 

" Yes," says the FUSSY DOG, not much relishing this last remark; 
" but it wasn't a very smart thing to call me a buffoon." 

" Bah, my dear bov," returns TOADIE, " JOHNSON called OARRICK a 
buffoon ; but that didn't make him one, eh ? " 

" No, of course not," says the poor FUNNY Doo, quite brightening 
up a! this portrait of himself as GARKICK. Henceforth he adopts this 
argument as his own, and when WAGG repeats his offence, NIPPER is 
down upon him with the example of JOHNSON. 

" What, JOHNSON f " asks WAGG. " BEN or SAM ? " 

" Eh ? " says popr NIPPEII, taken aback ; for his memory is bad, and 
his acquaintance with literary history, or any history, worse. 

" BEN or SAM P " repeats the inexorable WAGG, adding, 

" Under whiuh king, Uezonian, speak or die ? " 

There is only one way for the unfortunate NIPPER out of the diffi- 
culty. If he shows, before an admiring crowd top (" That 's the worst 
of WAGG," he complains ; " always says these things before a crowd 
such nonsense, you know "), ignorance of GARRICK. BEN and SAM, 
his reputation will receive an injury from which it will be difficult to 
recover ; for he is supposed to know all about the Drama, past and 
present, and generally to be a very clever fellow. So, when WAGS 
repeats " BEN or SAM," the FUNNY DOG takes refuge in the assump- 
tion of a hoarse voice, supposed to belong to the traditional peep- 

showman, with whose celebrated speech he now parries WAOO'S 
searching inquiry. 

" Vichever vou like, my little dear," says NIPPER, in the character 
just mentioned. " You pays your money, and you takes your chi'cc." 

His admirers describe this as "doosed clever of NIPPER," and "a 
regular shut-up for WAO<;." But the FUNNY Doo is perfectly aware 
that he has had to defend himself against the charge of buffoonery by 

Euttiug on the cap and bells, and begging for quarter at his adversary's 
and, in the character of an idiot. Calling upon him next day I was 
enabled to follow the course of his studies since the encounter of the 
previous evening, by his ingenuous remark to me, that " It was odd, 
but be never knew, or rather, had never noticed till to-day, that 
BEN Jossos spelt bis name without an n." He had also been 
looking out (IIRRICK'S date and contemporaries, for BOSWELL'S Life 
was lying on the table. 

WAGG is a performing dog in his own way, bat in a totally different 
line, as you perceive, from NIPPER'S. 

Then' is also ALF POODEL, who belongs to the category of Funny 
Dogs. But hr is only an inferior Nipper, with puns added of the worst 
description possible". POODEL, like the marmalade in the advertise- 
ments, is "an excellent substitute for" NIPPER at dinner, or at 
amateur theatricals. POODEI. is, in fact, the tecmd low comedian, and 
if POODEL and NIPPER have both to perform in a piece, to NIPPBB i 
given the choice of parts, and POODEL takes what he can get and 
makes the most of it if he can. 

As to his personal appearance, the Funny Dog is abort all funny 
dogs are. I only remember one exception, and if was a Grotesque of 
over six feet high, which was somehow fanny in itself, as a sort of 
exaggerated caricature. In fact this comic monster was NIPPER seen 
through a magnifying glass of immense power. Do my readers recol- 
lect te shout of laughter which used to greet the appearance of the 
magnified lecturer, i'ooussed on to the dissolving-view white sheet at 
the Polytechnic, where he used to open his cavern of a month to eat a 
penny, or as it Me* appeared a two-and-sixpenny, bun P WelLif they 
do, that will give them some idea of the cumbersome tall Droll, at 
whom no one could help laughing when be opened his mouth ; that is, 
if it -wasn't to say anything. 

NIPPER is inclined to podginess. POODEL is more sketchy. NIPPER 
belongs to the Grimaldi order of down ; POODEL to the tumbling. 

The Fujnrr Doo is not only funny in himself, but is the cause of 
attempts at fun in others. Thus the gravest men meeting NIPPER 
will think it incumbent upon them to assume a manner totally at 
variance with their known character, much in the same way as we 
accommodate our conversation to the infantile style when we visit a 
friend's nursery. 

This, by the way, is a source of as great annoyance to the Fronrr 
Doe as being stigmatised as a Buffoon by WAGS. 

A Chancery Barrister, at whose house NIPPER has been very happy 
in a Buckstonian character, in some recent theatricals, meets him 
in the street. The Barrister is middle-aged, ordinarily grave and 

He sees NIPPER. In a second that grave man forces himself to be 
jocose and practically funny. He exclaims, " Ha, Mr. Bo* .' " which 
is the character he has taken in that classic work, and favours him with 
(as he thinks) a complimentary imitation. 

" How do you do r " returns NIPPER, severely, by way of reproving 
the Chancery man for attempting to interfere with his (the FUSSY 
DOG'S) peculiar line. 

" Been acting lately ? " asks the Barrister. 

" No ! " returns NIPPER, carelessly, " not much;" though the fellow 
knows he has been performing every night, and is full of engagements. 

" Aha ! " says his friend, we must have some more theatricals 
soon. We '11 do a farce for you and me. I "11 play whatever you like. 
How you made my wife laugh ! She can't get it out of her head. ] 
never saw anything so absurd as you were in that white hat. Ha ! 
Ha ! Ha ! " And the worthy Lawyer goes off into a roar (all by way 
of compliment) at the bare recollection. 

The FUNNY Doo despises him for laughing at such nonsense, and 
feels annoyed at his reminding him of having made a fool of himself. 

He complains to a friend. " Why," he says, " can't he " (referring 
to the Chancery man) " speak to me sensibly. I don't want every one 
to come up with a caper and a grin. It 's abominably annoying. I 
think I shall cut farces, and play nothing but serious parts. Serious 
with a dash of sentiment in them. "Pon my word," he goes on bitterly, 
" people seem to think that I 'm always going about with a white hat, 
and hiding in a cupboard, or sitting on somebody's bonnet in a band- 
box. Idiots ! " 

But really and truly so he is. He was born for it ; and is never 
funnier than when he is seriously annoyed. 
(To be Contiimed.) 


THE duel system in the Armj has been abolished with advantage. 
The dual system might follow with equally satisfactory results. 



[MARCH 13, 1869. 






WHAT harm is there in bribery 

As you or anybody see ? 

If I can understand, blow me ! 

You calls my vote a trust for who ? 
For them as theirselves P For yon ? 
Or only for the llesidoo ? 

SMITH for a railway to his town, 
For a mail-packet line votes BROWN, 
Now I prefers the stumpy down. 

My politics is Number One, 

I votes for them as pays ; or none 

Out of my vote must I be done ? 

If, forced to vote without my pay, 
I tossed up to decide which way, 
Would that be any better ? Eh? 

As good a reason why to vote. 
As chance, for them m either boat, 
I take it, is a ten-pun' note. 

Of all the swells that talks so pure 
Who wouldn't sell their votes, if sure 
To fetch a jolly sinecure P 

But since the judges of the land 
Has took sitch a determined stand, 
Between us and the open hand, 

I now from votin' shall abstain, 
As I consider, and complain, _ 
A serf enfranchised hall in wain. 

A Hint. 

Two people have been badly hurt last week through 
slipping on pieces of orange-peel. Now the police haven't 
many people to arrest in the day-time, why don't they " take 
up " all the orange-peel they find on the footways P Besides 
they would then give an opportunity to an irreverent joker 
of calling them orange-peelers. 



SIAM'S famed twins, conjoined by living band, 

Before the British Public took their stand 

Prepared, the one to chant in lofty strain, 

The other to respond in numbers plain. 

The Brothers thus alternate verses sang, 

CHANG first ; then tuneful ENG, succeeding CHANG. 

Chang. BRITANNIA, glorious Island of the Free ! 

Eng. There isn't such another in the sea. 

Chang. Great Ocean Queen, BRITANNIA, rule the waves ; 

Eng. You, Britons, never, never should be knaves. 

Chang. Here are two hearts in unison that throb. 

Eng. Admittance to examine them, one bob. 

Chang. The fulness of these hearts no hand can feel ! 

Eng. No stuffing this, like that you get in veal. 

Chang. But oh, oelieve our feelings are sincere ! 

Eng. We 're very glad indeed to see you here. 

Chang. On you, ye forms of loveliness, we gaxe, 
Our souls entranced with rapturous amaze. 

Eng. Ladies, the crowds that throng to see us two, 
In a great measure, are composed of you. 

Chang. Those gently glowing cheeks and eyes of light 
Gleam, oh how beautiful, and oh how bright ! 
He who would bask in Woman's sweetest smile, 
Should, of all lands, repair to Britain's isle. 

Eng. Young Abyssinian ladies can compare 
With English in the way they dress their hair ; 
But you, in every other point, no doubt, 
Cut them, and afl your sex besides them, out. 

Chang. But now, farewell ! Ye Loves, like spirits blest, 
In dreams you "11 hover o'er our nightly rest, 
Of which the blissful time is drawing nigh. 

Eng, I "m tired, and want my supper so'good bye. 


THERE is now a war in print about the right to write books in which 
all the words shall be like these ; that is to say, all short, for small folks. 
One of the soft sex is quite hard on some ones of the hard sex, and 
says that they have not kept faith with her as to some books which she 
said she would write, and which they have told two new scribes to do 
in this small way, for kids. It does not seem a great feat for any he or 
she, nor, as there is not a nice nurse who does not write out nice tales 
in this way for the dears in her charge, does the fight seem to be a 
grand one, and the rage of the dame makes Punch laugh in his snug 
way. She says that she has writ, or wants to write thus some books 
which she names, but how the juice she means to do it is a nut which 
we fail to crack, as one of the books is the Swiss Family Robinson, and one 
more is the Evenings at Home ; but we guess that she will call the first 
the Swiss Kin of tions of Bob, and the next Nights not spent Out of the 
House. Sure there is not much here that should make grown up folks 
snarl and scold ; but we are glad of fun, and we thank our friend who 
prints the fight in his scsthetical hebdomadal publication, denominated 
the Alhenteum. 


THE word Star rather crops up just now. There 's MRS. STAR in the 
Convent Case, but we 've happily done with that, and can leave its lesson 
to soak into the minds of Priests, Women, and Families. Then there 's 
the Transit of Venus, classically called a wandering Star, or planet. 
Then there 's Miss STARR, the artist, for whose sake Mr. Punch writes 
this paragraph, to note that in a graceful and appreciative notice of 
some Art-works, in the Pall Mall Gazette, the critic " assumes " that 
young lady " to be a student," and for the moment forgets that she 
was a student, certainly, who took the Gold Medal for about as bold 
and fine a work as the Academy has often guerdoned. A.S Herald to 
the Nobility of Art, Punch, King-at-Arms. insists on having the pro- 
cession to the temple of fame duly marshalled. 

MARCH 13, 1869.] 




workhouse fare, the diet in our prisons may be looked upon as sump- 
tuous ; and there is very little doubt that, to many a pet prisoner, the 
i nuisance of confinement is palliated greatly by the pleasures of the 
To live "like a fighting cock" is generally conceived as an agreea : palate clearly, then, our gaol-birds should be stuffed a la Franfaue, 
existence. But it can hardly be agreeable to live like common poultry, ag poultry are a t Vichy. Doubtless, now, their dinner is a comfort 

and a pleasure to them, and this would hardly be the case if it were 
forced into their gullets through a tube which utterly prevented them 

from tasting it. For 

at least if one be fattened in the way they are at Vichy : 

" A large circular building, admirably ventilated, and with the light par- 
tially excluded, is fitted 
up with "circular cages, 
in tiers rotating on a 
central axis, and ca- 
pable of being elevated, 
depressed, or rotated, 
which are so arranged 
that each bird has, as 
it were, a separate stall, 
containing a perch. 
The birds are placed 
with their tails con- 
verging to a common 
centre, while the head 
of each may bo brought 
in front by a simple 
rotatory movement of 
the central axis. Each 
bird is fastened to its 
cell by leathern fetters, 
which prevent move- 
ment except of the head 
and wings, without 
occasioning pain." 

To live strapped up 
in a cage can scarcely 
be regarded as a 
comfortable way of 
passing into pingui- 
tude ; and one would 
think that even birds 
would become ex- 
tremely bilious when 
deprived of means of 
exercise, and daily 
stuffed with food in 
the manner here de- 
picted : 

" When the feeding 
time comes the bird is 
enveloped in a wooden 
case, from which the 
head and neck alone 
appear, and which is 
popularly known as its 
ptilctot, by which means 
all unnecessary strug- 
gling is avoided. The 
attendant (a young girl) 
sri/.rs the head in her 
loft hand, and gently 
presses the beak, in 
order to open it ; then, 
with her right, she 
introduces into the 
pullet a tin tube about 
the size of a finger. 
This tube is united to 
a flexible pipe, which 
communicates with the 
dish in which the food 
has been placed, and 
from which the desired 
quantity is instantly 
injected into the 

" I would I were a 
bird ! " is one of the 
last wishes this des- 
cription would excite, 
if one has any taste 
for enjoying a good 
dinner. What 


Short-tempered Uuntmnan (to Party who has ban fidgeting about, thinking to pad the Fox). 

brutes who beat their 
wives, and for ruf- 
fianly garotters, a 
further torment might 
be added by cram- 
ming them with dain- 
ties such as rout pig 
and plum - pudding, 
upon which they 
might be suffered to 
feast their eve* a- 
while, without having 
the enjoyment of any 
further relish. We 
should vastly like to 
contemplate a party 
of street ruffians, en- 
cased in wooden pale- 
tots, and with their 
noses tightly pinched, 
to prevent their even 
sniffing what thev 
were forced to swal- 
low without the 
power of tasting. 


TALK about a hier- 
archy ! What is that 
topic, gentlemen 
sporting-men, to the 
subject of Horse ? 
Of how small import- 
ance is the Bill for 
the disestablishment 
and disendowment of 
the Irish Church 
compared to the ques- 
tion whether or no 
the Jockey Club shall 
legislate on the run- 
ning of two - year - 
olds ! Are these 
young race - horses 
overworked? So it 
appears. ADMIRAL 
Rocs says they are 
" stumped up*' * 
five years old ; 
rousing announce- 
ment, surely, to al 
lovers of horseflesh, 
especially to those 
who love to discuss 
it, not only as 
theme, but also as a 
dainty at dinner 
For, though stumpe< 
up for the Turf, your 
two-year-old may stil 
remain available fo 
the Table, and if n< 
longer fit to be en 
tered for a plate, may 
nevertheless, be very 
presentable in one, 

punishment it would be for an alderman, for instance, to be fastened in and capable of being brought into the ver 

a wooden case, and forced to sit bolt upright, with a tin tube down his and fork. This consideration may perha 

throat, and so be crammed with turtle soup, without the power of to reconsider his proposed Turf Reforms. P ^Lnd 

tasting it ! The torments of Tantalus could scarce have equalled this, carcase of a stumped up winner of the 

for we doubt .if turtle soup were invented in the days when Tantalus fancy price per pound, 
was tortured. 

Now. why could not some tantalising punishment of this sort be 
adopted with garotters and other British gaol-birds ? Compared with 




[MARCH 13, 1869. 


TARQUINIUS the Tyrant, 

In purple and in pall, 
Sal in liis chair of ivory 

Before the Senate-hall, 
Watching the busy toilers 

That crowded Tiber's strand, 
Hcing beam, and squaring marble, 

For the temple he had planned. 

When sudden came a dark'niug 

Of the bright sun in the sky, 
And TAHQUINIUS looked heavenward, 

But nothing could he spy'; 
No eagles on the left hand, 

No eagles on the right ; 
Presaging good or evil, 

By the manner of their flight. 

But still the day grew darker, 

Though no cloud was to be seen ; 
And there fell an awful shadow, 

The King and folk between. 
And it deepened to the blackness 

Of a summer thunder-cloud, 
That clove, and gave a passage 

To a woman bent and bowed. 

O'er a forehead, carved with wrinkles, 

Fell a forelock thin and hoar, 
And in her lean arms gathered 

Nine rolls of books she bore. 
And her robe against the darkness 

Shone white, as she stood there, 
Confronting, with no reverence, 

The monarch in his chair. 

She looked her glance took all things 

Aronnd, before, behind ; 
She spoke : her voice seemed distant, 

Like a far-off ocean wind. 
" These nine books hold the wisdom 

Of the Sibyl ; I am she : 
From Cumo: i have journeyed, 

By the sunny southern sea. 

"All Apollo hath revealed me, 

All the wisdom and the wit 
That the sun-god's love hath quickened, 

In these nine books is writ. 
Therein all public evils, 

And therein all their cures ; 
Which the State that heeds not, falleth, 

And the State that heeds, endures. 

" These nine books, oh TAHQUINIUS, 

Shall unto thee be sold, 
For a talent of white silver, 

And a talent of red gold ; 
But all the sand Pactolus 

E'er swept down to the main, 
Were little to the value 

Of what these books contain." 

All scornful sat TARQUINIUS ; 

For the cloud had pass'd away : 
And his heart within was hardened, 

And he said the Sibyl nay. 
But scarce the word was spoken, 

When the great cloud fell once more -. 
And the place where stood the Sibyl 

Was empty as before. 

Then TAIIQUINIUS felt a pricking 

In his heart, and wished, within, 
He had ta'en the woman's proffer, 

So those nine books to win. 
And scarce the wish was shapen. 

When again the crone was there, 
White robed against the darkness, 

Before the ivory chair. 

" Again, oh King, 1 am with thee, 
For thy unbreathed wish I heard : 

Without ears 'tis mine to hear 
What is spoken without word. 

Again my books 1 offer, 

But three no more are mine ; 
And the same price thou shalt pay me, 

For the six as for the nine." 

Then scornful laughed TARQUINIUS, 

And Ids heart was like a stone : 
" To pay the price of nine for six, 

For fool were to be known." 
Then again the woman vanished, 

Like a cloud into the cloud, 
And the King wished he had'closed with her, 

But spoke it not aloud. 

When, lo, as on his wishing, 

Stood the Sibyl at his knee. 
" Again my books I proffer : 

But the six are fall'n to three." 
Again my books I offer, 

And again their price I fix ; 
And the same price thou shalt pay me 

For the three as for the six."- 

Then TARQUINIUS was astonished, 

And the Augurs' counsel prayed : 
And they said he had done evil 

That with evil would be paid : 
For the Gods had brought him wisdom, 

But their purpose he had crossed : 
And now of that deep knowledge 

Six books of nine were lost. 

So the red gold and white silver 

Were paid by tale and weight, 
And the Sibyl's books were garnered, 

And guarded by the State. 
Locked in the sacred Capitol, 

Shut in a chest of stone, 
And two seers to guard and search them, 

And make their wisdom known ! 

Then let England think of TAKQUIN, 

How the oftener he said nay, 
Still the Sibyl's books grew fewer, 

And the same he had to pa/, 
For less knowledge of the evil, 

And less knowledge of the cure, 
By one of which States perish, 

'And by one of which, endure. 

When Ireland's cloud lay blackest, 

And PITT, our Sibyl, came 
With a plan to pay the priesthood, 

And spoil Sedition's game, 
His wisdom was rejected, 

And the nine books came no more ; 
And the black cloud lay still blacker 

Round the Green Isle's weeping shore. 

Now GLADSTONE stands for Sibyl, 

With six books instead of nine, 
And offers a worse bargain 

Than PITT'S in ninety-nine. 
And if we spurn this offer, 

The six books will shrink to three, 
And less profit we shall purchase, 

And more the price will be ! 

A Nice Place. 

Two remarkable paragraphs from Chicago " An average wedding 
costs ten thousand dollars." What is an average wedding ? But the 
following is more startling" A Chicago judge reproved two police 
officers, whereupon they assailed him on the bench and almost throttled 
him to death." Policemen "collaring" a judge mnst be a pleasant 
sight for a prisoner, but scarcely edifying for the general public. If an 
average wedding there costs ten thousand dollars, we wonder what is 
the salary of an average judge, and it the above little case is an excep- 
tional one, or only an average example of the playfulness of the Chicago 


AN easy life leads GULLA WAY, 'tis sure, 
For a Quack's living is a sine-cure. 


MABCII 20, 1869.] 






're drawing a Bill to save sea-birds 
Whose stiff "rings no doubt deserve pity- 
Why don't some one bring in a Bill 
For protecting the Gulls in the City P 

These poor Gulls are just as much shot at, 
Plucked as bare of their plumes, though they go 

Not to deck ladies' hats, but line pockets 

You will find just as many lame ducks, 
As many poor geese who have bled, 

Limping sadly around Capel Court, 
As you'll find about Flamborough Head. 

And in both city-court, and sea-crag, 
While fish swim, and shares rise and full, 

Yon will find hungry Cormorants watching, 
Who find no prey too great or too small. 

Above all you'll discover that puffin' 

Has an equal attraction for most 
Who follow their game in the City, 

As for snobs who hit fowl on the Coast. 

If 'tis well to protect sea-gulls' eggs, 
Why leave land-gulls' eggs, let me ask it 

Whose produce was counted ere hatched, 
To be smashed, often, all in one basket 'i 

If we think it our duty to shelter 

Young sea-gulls unable to fly, 
Why let unfledged land-gulls risk necks, 

On paper-wings soaring sky-high P 

If a " close "-time for sea-gulls is fixed, 
When 'tis penal the creatures to " pot," 

What a blessing a " close "-time would be, 
That would keep Land-Gulls safe out of shot ! 

The land-gulls "close "-time to begin, 
Like that 9f the sea-gullslet 's say 

From that highly appropriate date 
Of April the first- All Fools' Day ! 


MARCH 8. Monday. The Lords fixed their holidays. They agreed 
to rise on .Friday, the 19th instant, and meet again on Monday, the 
5th April. The intervening time Punck supposes that they will expend 
in talking about the Boat Race, and the arguments against the Irish 
Church Bill. The water coaches will have done their work splendidly, 
but how far MR. DISRAELI will succeed into coaching his men to pull 
together, and not catch crabs, is another matter. 

One has not heard much of Oriel College, Oxford, lately. In old 
days there was a capital parody on Roderick rich Alpin Dhu, wherein 
that hero, transformed into a Don, who had fallen in love with Miss 

" Thank Heaven, there 'a one man whom I don't see about her, 

Her townsman, the tutor of Oriel, fitzjama, 
For though of the two I am somewhat the stouter, 
ilia legs are for neater, much older his claims. 
Look on this tutor true, 
ELLEN, for love of you, 
Just metamorphosed from blacksmith to beau, 
Hair combed and breeehes new, 
Grace-altered Roderick Dhu, 
While every gownsman cries, wondering, Ho ! ho ! " 

But now there is a Bill for enabling a layman to be appointed to the 
Provostship of Oriel. LORD DERBY, Chancellor, does not object to 
this, but to the way in which a lay provostship is to be endowed. The 
matter does not seem to concern the entire universe, and Mr. Punch 
would hardly have mentioned it but for the sake of displaying the 
magnificent memory that can bear in mind a squib which he read forty 
years ago. 

LORD RUSSELL made a sensible speech, urging a general system of 
popular education, and LORD SALISBURY could not see any connection 
between the diminution of crime and the increase of education. Crime 
was a matter of moral depravity, and no teaching would make a 
criminal depart from his original bias. The way to diminish crime was 
to diminish poverty. As thus boldly and baldly put, the Marquis's 

VOL. in. i 

proposition may shock, but it is not to be dismissed with a jeer. The 
BISHOP OF LONDON knew better than to jeer, but he reproduced the 
idea in a Christian form. 

We read, for the Third Time, the Bill for doing away with what 
CONSUL RICHARD BURTON, in his delightful new book on the Brazil 
(with the religious protest by his Catholic wife, the editor, against iU 
anti-Catholic and Mormon doctrines) calls one of the greatest insults 
ever offered by a strong nation to a weak one, the assertion of our 
right to seize slavers in Brazilian waters. \\ hy, by the way. don't 
we invent the Brazil ? Here is a glorious country, rich in gold and 
diamonds, and much better things, and only in want of derelopment. 
Willing, moreover, to be rescued from speculators and jobbers, and 
set in the right groove. Mr. P*rh .adds with satisfaction that our 
Coffin Squadron, that of the West Coast of Africa, has been reduced, 
and is to be kept on foot only for the purposes of trade. This note does 
not mean that he thinks, as many well-informed persons do, that the 
Brazil is on the West Coast of Africa, quite the reverse, it is on the 
East Coast of South America, unless there has been any alteration. 

Ma. CHILDERS moved the Navy Estimates. There is a reduction of 
above a Million. 

Tuesday. The Duxz OF SOMERSET pitched into the Missionaries in 
China, who are always getting into scrapes, and calling in armed force 
to help them out. Of course, a young sea-officer is delighted to be 
asked to let fly at the Chinese, and then a complication occurs. 
Missionaries were either rogues or enthusiasts, and it was no use 
talking to them, they must be forbidden to do mischief. This is 
coarsely put, but there is truth in it. The Missionary is not a man of 
the world, he believes that anybody who cannot see the truth of what 
is taught at the Baptist or Independent College must be a fool, and 
therefore incontinently brays him in a mortar. Some folks don't like 
braying ; that of Exeter Hall, or otherwise. The Chinese had a religion 
and a highly-finished literature when we were running about stained 
with woad, and burning children to idols, and they do not see that 
a third-rate English preacher should rush into a Chinese town, and 
begin to make fun of the objects of its worship. Suppose a Chinese 
Missionary arrived at Charing Cross, ran down to the Abbey, and told 



[MARCH 20, 1869. 

the people in it that DEAN STANLEY was an ignorant idiot, and that 
the figures on the altar were all Guys, and hammered at these with his 
umbrella, defying them to defend themselves. Well, he would speedily 
be in a police-cell. But suppose China were strong, had a lot of gun- 
boats in the Thames, and should land a dashing crew who proceeded 
to liberate the REVEREND CHOPSTICK PIGTAIL, and slaughter the 
policemen. Only, you see, China is weak and we are strong. Some- 
thing will have to be done on the side of justice. LORD CLARENDON 
has given our Consuls some hints that may tend to restrain the fanatic 
impulses of illiterate Missionaries. It is due to the great religious 
societies to say that they disavow the absurdities of the kind of men 
who are so objectionable, but there must be more done. No man has a 
right to compromise his country by insulting the creed, or superstition 
of another country, and as the QUEEN is the Chief of Mohammedan 
Sovereigns, this rule ought to have been understood long ago. 

A Primogeniture Bill, MR. LOCKE KING'S, was debated in the Com- 
mons. Its object is to assimilate the law of real with that of personal 
property in the case of intestacy. Punch cannot see any objection to 
this. MR. HENLEY said that it would snuff out all forty shilling free- 
holders, as they never made wills. More fools they. A man who will 
not take the trouble to make a disposal of his property, is simply a 
booby, of whom no legislature is bound to take care. Mr. Punch 
would go a great deal further in support of this principle, and if it were 
carried out in reference to Election matters, nine-tenths of the present 
scandals would cease. We would have no nominations, no canvassing. 
Let each candidate issue an address, and let the returning officer fix 
the day of poll, on which every public-house should be shut up. The 
elector who will not take the trouble to learn who asks his suffrage, 
and where it is to be given, is a personage whose voice is not wanted in 
the selection of representatives, and the man who cannot walk up to 
the booth, and mention his own name and his man's, without instantly 
wanting beer, is still less worth consulting. 

Wednesday. A fight on the Solicitor-General's Bill on University 
Tests began, and as in the battles of HOMER, evening closed upon the 
fray, and the combatants drew off. 

Thursday. LORD ROBERT MONTAGU brought forward his Contagious 
Diseases in Cattle Bill. He wanted to make separate waterside mar- 
kets, and prevent the admission of afflicted cattle, while the Government 
Bill applies only to cattle after they have been landed. Government 
opposed the measure, contending that their Bill is to be a sort of code 
on ilie whole subject, and for the first time a Liberal and Conservative 
battle was fought, the result being the defeat of LORD ROBERT by 253 
to 197. 

Friday. An Indian Government Bill, introduced by the DUKE OF 
ARGYLL, and nearly the same as that brought in by MR. DISRAELI'S 
Ministry, was read a Second Time in the Lords. 

Some slanders perpetrated against certain most respectable men in 
the Foreign Office by some discontented persons, " bastards, and else," 
as Faulconbridge says, were mentioned, to be dismissed with the 
contempt they deserved. 

MR. WHITE, who talked toudly on a supposed Admiralty grievance, 
was informed by the Authorities, past and present, that he could not 
utter greater nonsense. We hear that he denies this, and means to 
prove that the Authorities were foolish in such a defiance. 

MR. CARDWELL moved the Army Estimates. There is a reduction of 
above a Million. 

Hypothec. Ha ! Have you, in compliance with Mr. Punch's gracious 
invitation, found out what that means yet? If not, he regrets it, 
as there was a most interesting debate on the subject in the House of 
Lords to-night. If you have found out, of course there is no necessity 
for his saying anything in the way of explanation. The matter is really 
very important and hypothetical. 

A Bill to arrfend the Law of Bankruptcy in Ireland was brought 
in. DR. MORIARTY, one of the Popish Bishops, has written a letter 
upon the Irish Church Bill, and affects to think that its result will be 
bankruptcy among the married clergy. The letter is a coarse and 
vulgar one ; and the real character ot the Irish priest is revealed in 
that of the clown who affects to regret the prospect of seeing " a 
married parson out at heels and elbows, with a lean wife and naked ; 
children. ' This scoff at a fellow-clergyman is so characteristic of ' 
the priests of the Affectionate People, that Punch notes it only in j 
proof of the venomous hate entertained by the Affectionate People's 
priests first, for Protestants ; secondly, for Marriage. However, 
a moralist would prefer that a clergyman should be subject to the 
purifying influences of home affections (even if they involve hard self- 
denial) than that he should be the full-fed leering roysterer, with a 
double entendre ever ready on his tongue, and absolution for every 
crime except submission to law. Some of the exuberant zeal of the 
Irish parsons may have amused us in other days, but we never insulted 
them by placing them in the same category as the clownish agitators 
and vulgar libertines who have never taken one step to put down agra- 
rian assassination, though a general curse from the altars would have 
done it. 

In the Commons, Debate on the Want of Education among the 

Poorest Classes in the large towns. Stereotype statements usual 

Fagot votes are a good deal manufactured by the Conservatives of 
Scotland ; in fact, without such aid they would scarcely get any seats 
at all. Complaint is made, and the defence is of the weakest, but we 
are asked to remember that the Anti-Corn Law League did the same 
thing. No, replied Her Majesty's Minister, MR. BRIGHT, the latter 
votes were real. Well, in a sense they were ; that is, they meant pro- 
perty which could be seized and sold, and so, it appears, do these 
Scotch fagots. But if we take a large view of the question, we may 
say that any vote made for the sake of the vote, and not arising out of 
the voter's interest and residence in a district, is of the fagot nature. 
You can't humbug Mr. Punch, either side. 

" In spite of all your tricks it 
Is not in you JUDGE FDNOH to do, not nohow you can fix it." 

A Committee was appointed to consider the contracts with the 
Cuuard and Inman Lmes for carrying the American Mails. The 
late Government made these, and the new Government does not 
entirely approve of them. There is an odd story about some Coals. 
As a specimen of the wisdom of Parliament, and the sound and accu- 
rate information with which Members arm themselves when they hav e 
to discuss a question, Mr. Punch would mention that Ma. GRAVES, 
champion of the lines, was pleased to inform the House that tke 
Postage of a letter to Paris now costs eightpence. We forget what 
remark by a lady to LORD CHESTERFIELD drew from that earl the 
reply, " Oh, Madam, I believe only half what I hear." 


E old proverb says, " All 
work and no play makes 
JACK a dull boy ' so let 
JACK have his holidays, or 
he may become a dunce. 
But does not JACK at some 
schools play a little to ex- 
cess? Else how do you 
account for such advertise- 
ments as this ? 

VJ W R. Wanted im- 
mediately, a Second Assistant 
Master, to teach thoroughly 
writing and arithmetic, also 
junior English subjects. Must 
be a good cricketer and round- 
arm bowler. Character to bear 
the strictest investigation. 
Salary 40, increasing to 60. 

How the Schoolmaster abroad at Paris, say, for instance would 
lift his eyes, and shrug his shoulders, at a mastership like this ! Fancy 
his astonishment at hearing that a gentleman was paid to teach boys 
cricket, as well as English reading, writing and arithmetic ! Doubtless 
he would next expect to learn that a professeur was appointed, to teach 
lads to play dominoes as well as to speak French ; or else he might 
conceive that, in this benighted country, men learned in the classics 
taught their pupils Greek and Latin, and the Art of Self-Defence. 


IT is a weakness with some preachers to throw hard words at the 
stage ; but though there may be sermons in stones, it is rarely wise to 
throw stones in a sermon. Charity covereth a multitude of sins, and, 
whatever else they may be, actors certainly are charitable. No sooner 
do theatrical calamities occur, than help is given liberally by those who 
live by acting. To poor players time is money, as it is to other 
workers ; yet they never grudge their time in a charitable performance. 
Hard-worked as they are, half the best actors in London played at 
Drury Lane last Thursday, to help the sufferers by a fire last month at 
the Hull theatre ; and all who wish to aid in a work of real charity 
ought now to go the Hull hog in sending in their cheques. 

Prophecy for Wednesday. 

WE have carefully considered all the chances of the Water Derby, 
weighed each man, examined him as to his teeth and his catechism, the 
ages of his father and grandfather, and his opinion of the Dig^amma 
and pate de foie: gran. And on mature reflection, we have no hesitation 
in saying that both Oxford and Cambridge will show themselves worthy 
of their renown, but that the colour of the winner will be 


MARCH 20, 1869.] 




HERE is nothing of a character more 
contrary to that of BILL SIKES than 
tlit; Bill for the Preservation of Sea- 
birds, which MB. SYKES has brought 
into the House of Commons. It is a 
pity that this measure cannot be en- 
larged so that land-birds also shall 
be Drought within its purview. 1'or 
the benelitof agriculture there ought 
to be fixed a period, namely the 
whole of breeding-time.duringwhich 
small birds shall be out of season as 
well as game, so that the operations 
of sparrow-clubs shall be temporary, 
like those of goose-clubs. It may 
be remarked that, at present, the 
sparrow-clubs are goose-clubs in a 
sense other than that in which the goose-clubs are so called ; that is 
to say, they are composed of geese, stupid clowns, who know not 
that sparrows eat up much more mischief, in eating caterpillars, than 
a'l i liry do to the farmer in eating corn. 

Natural history may be a thing of no consequence. If so, any 
demand for the preservation of its objects, as such, is of course absurd. 
According to this view, there is no reason why any limit should be 
prescribed to the employment of gamekeepers in destroying all varieties 
of the British fauna which they account vermin. But on the opposite 
supposition, which supports the British Museum, and also the Zoolo- 
gical Gardens, in as far as that rendezvous is also a scientific institution, 
kites, .buzzards, hawks, ravens, crows, magpies, and even badgers, 
stoats, and weasels, ought not to be suffered to be, as they are in swift 
course of being, exterminated. As to a kite, nobody ever sees one 
now, except that flown by a schoolboy, or a gentleman in difficulties, or 
a rogue in ordinary circumstances. All these ornaments of our wilds 
and our landscapes are doomed to disappear and perish, for the sake of 
saving a few head of game. This is a sentimental complaint is it f 
Very well. Say it is all bosh. Then zoology, apart from its physical 
uses, is all bosh too, and so is botany. 

Abolish the fauna and the flora too. Improve all the beauty of the 
earth off the face of it ; do as much for the water and throw out 
MK. SYKES'S BUI ? No. MR. SYKES has informed the House that the 
sea-birds follow the plough, picking up worms and grubs, that they 
give merchant-sailors warning of rocks, and tell deep-sea fishermen 
M|II TO to cast their nets. Therefore protect these gulls, and puffins, 
and cormorants, and terns, and the rest; but only because they do a 
considerable deal of that material good which is now generally pursued 
as the summum bonum, to the progressive disfigurement and defacement 
of these dominions. 


MADAME RACHEL'S house, furniture, and effects have come to the 
hammer. The lady's business having been kuocked down by the 
Judges, her effects are about to be knocked down by the auctioneer, 
ilogue and sale bills are quite overpowering to the imagination. 
The drawing-rooms and principal apartments are said to " present 
splendour and magnificence difficult to describe." There are cande- 
labra (brass and lacquer probably), formerly belonging to the EUPEROR 
NAPOLEON, and incense-burners once the property of the K 
l)i i .111 ! "Dispersed through the house are numerous works of Art 
and articles qt rirtu, many of them presentations from MADAME 
RACHEL'S distinguished patronesses." 

Let us hope the works of Art include choice specimens of MADAME'S 
own face-painting, and that the articles of tirlu left in MADAM'E'S 
hands by her distinguished patronesses have not been cracked or other- 
wise damaged. 

A Newspaper Heading. 

"PRESIDENT GRANT'S first check." What did he do with it? 
How delightful to receive your salary so immediately after taking 
office ! It must have been paid in advance. If so, here i's an American 
institution which all who hold Government appointments in this 
country, from the PREMISE to the postman, would rejoice to see 
introduced amongst us. 

[Our Contributor is in error : the " check " received by the President 
was of another sort altogether.] 



I WAS asked to make one in a Drag and see the Great University 
Aquatic Contest, and I said I would. I was asked to ride with some- 
body else along the Bank, and 1 said I would. 

I was asked to walk with a companion also along the bank, and I 
believe I promised him faithfully that 1 would be with him at mid-day. 
I hope he has not waited for me. 

I was invited to go on board a steamer, and see the race from a 
paddle-box. I said that was what I should enjoy above everything. 
Tickets a guinea, I think, including the chance of falling into the 
water, and not returning to Town. 

I was invited to go in a Hansom Cab. I said I was sure this would 
be delicious, if fine. Share of expense one pound five. At the hut 
moment I thought I wouldn't. 

I was invited to five breakfast parties on the eventful Wednesday 
Morning; and last night I was at two Supper Parties after meeting 
the givers of those Entertainments at the Venerable PADDY GREEN'S, 
whither the Gentlemen from our Two Seats of Learning do generally, 
on this annual occasion, betake themselves. 

I was not therefore at home in bed until the daylight (" It's my 
daylight on a shiny night," was the last chorus we sang at SMITHS' 
with three cheers for the Light Blue, baring previously at my other 
supper party joined in " They are Jolly Good Fellows," meaning the 
Oxonians with three cheers, equally hearty, for the Dark Blue) 
until the daylight, as 1 was saying, did appear, which it did this 
morning considerably before its time, I am sure : a fact, by the way, 
which f recommend to the notice of the Astronomer-Royal and the 
Authorities (if any) of the Greenwich Observatory. 

Having made this a holiday with a view to having a " day out," my 
landlady nad not had notice to call me at any particular boor, and 
therefore left it alone entirely, I suppose, as it was nearly one o'clock 
before I awoke. 

Then came the debate, in bed, as to how I should see the race. 
This took at least half-an-honr ; and finally 1 arrived at the conclusion 
that I should get into hot water with most of my friend* with whom I 
had failed to keep my appointments. 

The mention of hot water suggested the idea of the preliminary step 

so necessary to going out at all ; and so I rang the bell, and having 

i ordered my hot water, consulted my watch, considered how long it 

! would take me to go to Putney ; how uncomfortable it would be when 

1 1 got there ; how I hated a crowd, and how my appearance there, if 

detected by my friends, would lead to the necessity of a variety of 

! explanations, I determined upon having the race in my own room 

before the fire, where I could see it at my leisure in my dressing-gown 

\ and, with a pipe of much peace in my mouth, without the trouble of 

putting on, to say the least of it, my boots. 

I stood, then, on the top of a drag drawn by four greys, with cham- 
pagne, game pies, and our party equally divided into light and dark 
blue : mine was a light blue with fair hair, with whom I betted gloves 
on the event, and knew my fate whatever happened. 

We are to see them finish. Cheers and huzzas in the distance grow 
louder and louder, and we are all excitement. My Light Blue thinks 
it .dangerous to stand on the top of the drag, and I show her that, if 
you are well guarded by an arm, no danger need be apprehended. 
Oxford is seen in the distance through her glasses : for me I see only 
Light Blue. If Oxford sees her, it will put on a spurt and win. Dark 

1 Blue is going well forward, and the boat's nose But what to me 

is the boat's nose I see no nose but Light Blue's, shaded by the hand 
that holds the race-glasses. Hoarse snouts from the bank, "Now 
yon 're winning ! " Am I f " Go it, Cambridge ! " " Now then, 
Oxford ! " " Now for a spurt ! " Jostling, trampling, scrambling, 
shouting, clutching, splashing, on comes the crowd. I hear them; 
but my eyes are on Light Blue. Oxford presses Cambridge closely. 
I am Oxford for the moment, Light Blue is Cambridge. What do I 
care about races ? Now they 're winning ! A loud cheer : a bang, a 

chug of bells. 


Yes, I will call on her to-morrow. This afternoon I will walk down 
to the Club, and see which has won the University Boat Race of 
Eighteen Hundred and Sixty-N me. 


MK. E.mwrrir has postponed his motion on Central Asia. We 
thank him. If he would only add to his kindness by going thither and 
delivering the speech, our happiness would be complete. 

Happiness of the Million. 

DRAWN by the Universities' Boat Race, 
See what a crowd, intent each eager face ! 
The kindly heart delights to think how free 
1'rom every care the multitude must be. 


" ADMIKAT. Rors upon the Turf." We hope it will be a" very long 
I time before the gallant Admiral is under it. 



[MARCH 20, 1869. 



IN consequence of the increasing preference now given to the study 
of Athletics in the University, we may shortly expect vast changes in 
the ancient systems hitherto existing in our two great seats of learning. 
Latin will be nowhere, Leaping everything ; Geometry will yield to 
Gymnastics; Philosophy to Fencing ; PALE Y to Pole-jumping; HOMER 
to Hurdles ; Co-sines to Calisthenics ; Trigonometry to Training ; and 
we shall probably hear, in the course of time, of some such changes as 
the following being made in the Oxford and Cambridge curriculum : 

LITTLE Go. The Preliminary Examination. Candidates will be 
examined in Fistiana, Chap. I. to VI., and will be expected to give the 
Examiners practical illustrations : e. a. Let C be a circle ; it will be 
required to describe in it three rounds and a square. 

Extracts from Questions. 1. Explain the terms, Nut ; Potatoe-trap ; 
Knowledge-box ; Mawley ; A Mouse. 

2. What do you understand by the Upper cut ? Practical illustration 
necessary. If the Examiner is floored, the Student will receive full marks. 

3. How and when is the Sponge thrown up? 

The Flat Race. 1. Explain the terms, Lap ; Sprint race ; the Lead ; 
Waiting on some one; Easy winner; Spurt. 

The Candidates will be required to run a one-mile, a three-mile, and 
a one-and-a-quarter-mile course. 

Problem. If A is to B as C to D, how would you handicap them for 
a two-mile course ? 

The Hurdle Race. This will be exclusively confined to Candidates 
for Honours. In every case the Senior Athlete will have to walk round 
the Senate House and show his muscle. 

The Senate House, by a grace after dinner passed for this special 
purpose, will be fitted up with ropes, poles, gymnastic bars, the flying 
jumps, and special corners will be fitted up for the Professors and 
Students of the Noble Art of Self-defence. 

m the Bourse of next year, be conferred upon 


to the victor (previously duly qualified) after a fair stand-up pugilistic 

encounter in the College Quadrangle with an antagonist of his own 
size, age, and weight. 

The VICE-CHANCELLOR will hold the belt for Fighting, Running, 
Leaping, and Pole-jumping, also the Challenge Cups for the same, for 
one year, when he will have to meet all comers or resign his office. 
Each Vice-Chancellor will, if unchallenged, prove his right to tenure 
of office by clearing a jump of twelve feet high with the leaning-pole. 
College Livings will be conferred on Muscular Christians only. They 
will be examined in the Evidences of Muscular Christianity. 

Scholarships of 60 per annum, with commons and rooms included, 
will be given to the best hands at "putting the weight" and "throw- 
ing the hammer." 

Scholarships of 30 for best flat racers over a mile course. 

The Proctors will be chosen from the best runners of the year. 

Boating, Cricket, and Billiards will be duly considered; as also 
Tennis, Rackets, and Fives. 

When we come to consider that during this week the Members of 
both Universities are engaged in athletic contests and Billiard and 
Racket matches, for which they have been in careful training and 
practice during the entire foregoing Term, it must be conceded that 
the above arrangements are not only not improbable, but will be ren- 
dered absolutely necessary by the impossibility of Undergraduates being 
able to find time for even such light studies as the works of the old 
Latin and Greek authors, the study of mathematics, the Constitutional 
History of HALLAM, or the philosophic arguments of the playful PALEY. 

Rec9mmending the above to the consideration of our University 
authorities, and of Parents and Guardians interested in our educational 
system, we leave the subject for the present, and remain theirs truly. 

Sportsmen at Sea. 

Tom (exhibiting a tern which Tie has shot). I say, "ARRY, wot bird 's 
this "ere ? 

'Arry. A auk, I should say. 
Tom. What yer calls a sparrerawk ? 
'Arry. No. Hay, u, k, auk without the sparrer. 






MARCH 20, 1869.1 





we were left, not to drink like Fishes, and turn under the influence of 
Circe's Port into Swine, as was half-a-century ago the abominable 
custom, but to refresh ourselves with a libation to the God Chicory, 
and a burnt sacrifice of one delicate cigarette to Nicotine, the Dusky 
Divinity, then we thought that the host would call on PARROT. Hut 
no : not a word came from our little friend PARROT. Nay more, he 
actually, and so did our cruel host, permitted a young University Man, 

uble the obserya ti onj ' A h, you'll hear i>mc imitation, up-stairs 

-IT --- ~- ---- ii j i !* j _i j *!, i,:. 

yellous mimic, who however does not, it is understood take off hu , 

fnends, but exercises his powers on the imitation of weU-known publ c presently that >U astonish you ; eh, PARROT ?" Whereat PARROT smiles 

personages whose peculiarities afford admirable opportunity for this f eeb , &nd attempts nerv( / us i y ' to ' 

style of entertainment. 

Of course there never was a man who imitated that didn't offer to 
give you BUCKSTONE, within five minutes after you'd made his 
acquaintance, or give him without the offer. The latter case is, 
perhaps, somewhat dangerous, unless for a professed expert like 
PAHROT. as an imitation without the previous announcement that it is 
intended for So-and-So, is apt to cause mistakes among the audience, 
and lead to questions far from complimentary to the imitator's skilL 

As a rule it is safer to say, "This is BUCKSTONE," and do BUCK- 

. . . . drink nothing put of his coffee-cup. 

Then the host rises, and we go up-stairs. Nightingales and Larks 
sing. MRS. BTRDE and MR. NAYU give us that " aqmtitf duet" 
out of that " charming operetta " by Young Krso FISCHER, the ama- 
teur, who. you know, is really quite another OrrRXBACH. " oh, quite," 
and we all applaud ; and then, when the entertainment begins to flag, 
our host brings PAUL PARROT from somewhere, out of a corner and 
behind a crowd, much as the street conjurer suddenly shows the little 
travelling doll popping out of the bag when he has been for some time 

- - , e , supposed to have been absent on a voyage to China. So, unexpectedly, 

STONE, than to do BUCKSTONE first, and then have the chance of being PARKOT gte into th(J Mntre of the SSaMHOom. Some people ask 
annoyed by some one saying, Excellent ! COMMON wastn 1 1 who he j, ^ what he ^ to d and others, prottd ^ thYk n0 w- 

PAUL PARROT need never preface any of ku mimetical illustrations, M th&t thifl b p AB | OT ^ now you tfl hear j^ ^ e the 

I m bu ) he does - nd modestly Rives out " This is BUCKSTONE, JJg ' won d e rful imitations in the world. 

or "This is MACREADY " as if to remove.the chance of there being any The F Dogs do not envy him the t^t. It docgn . t interfere 
doubt on the subject afterwards.. This is PAUL PAAROT s one talent with them ^ in fact y, rath r like expreM ing a i oud ^^ tMtimony 
and this he, so to speak, hides, in a dinner-napkin, and out to PAMOT . S excellent rendering of BucksTOin. or PHELM, or CoMr- 
after dessert down-stairs or up in the Drawing-room afterwards just ,to of WEBST m order to^how how familiar they are with the 

break the monotony of the songs and music, and give a special colour Ori8ina i, whom ^ KJ _i Ye you to understand, they know privately ; or, 

t "My e d e ^ s 9 aJT KS? DODO to MRS. MACAW, - these people draw M K *** * to >?> " 
their audiences, they have their ' following ' iust as preachers have, and 
there are sets where acting and charades ana tableaux are all the rage ; 
and wherever they are given, it is absolutely necessary, in order to 
obtain a complete success (which implies that you have made the pre- 
vious party-giver jealous, and have raised the spirit of emulation 

f ,1 i. \ f \ 'i_v A_ 1-- i_J 1 1. _ . mM\ 

As the Bight Honourable the PRESIDENT or THE BOARD or TRADE 

as a imall tooth-comb. It don't go 
business, and is as certain as an alarm clock." 

a1 )ut> bl 

SsfeS S SKttXS! fcCfef 

n, i> i \/_ D.,, D.,,- xfn HTTUUIV Rvur> mii t tions. Unless we stop, rostcnty, at least, may see a rresioent wnting 

, hsss ~Si s lSr,SlS tsar's* J^$xsrsnzui 

MRS. MACAW, in arrangmg_your^pie< s wh ^ 1Jy ^,^,1 n ,,r .i.l in.titntinn* will nmhhlv nrmedii 

political in 
;utions tha 
i, professini 

cannot leavers place for a minute." 4 uotes an example :- 

So LADY Douo went through her elementary instructions to the "A WOXDKRFOL MBDICINB. The following advertisement ii firoa a rwent 
MACAWS of Macaw ; and hence it happened that Little PAUL PAHROT New York paper : ' If you want a really pure, unsophistioatod ' fiunily pill,' 
was of the party. bu y DB - R ' liver-enoouraging, kidney-penuading, nlent peimmbulatar 

I had-we had all of us, GOOSEY, DORMOUSE, and myself-heard so twenty-seven in a box. This pill is as mid ae^a pet-lamb, and ai..p<Ain.; 
much of him that we expected to be snuffed out by PARROT'S wit and 
brilliancy during dinner. It was an entirely gratuitous assumption, 
because why should a man who copies your snuffle, or your growl, or Puffery resembling, if not quite equalling, that above instanced in wit 
your squeak, as you may have been gifted by Providence apparently and humour, is fast gaining ground among us. America has taught us 
with an especial eye to PARROT'S benefit I say, why should such an how to advertise. Thank BARNUM. The advertising sheet, the poster, 
one be original and witty, and make you die of laughing with any other the placard, arc in rapid course of being Americanised out and out 
kind of humour than that for which lie has been peculiarly adapted by Facetious advertisements, like the foregoing one, tell on the British as 
a kindly Nature P well as on the American Million. In other days the same class were 

If he were original, he would cease to be MR. PAUL PARROT. If he 4 *- ' J 

set the table in a roar, he would perhaps anticipate the effect to be 
produced by his entertainment when we had left the table and betaken 
ourselves to sofas and drawing-room chairs. 

We met him first at a large party. He was not introduced to any 
one of our trio, nor were we to him. I didn't know him by sight, and 
no one pointed liim out to me as the GREAT PAUL PARROT. But 
there he was, like JACK HORNER, in a corner, and taking his food 
with that mimetic mouth, silently and placidly as one who knew his 
power and future triumph, and would not discount his reputation by 
hazarding an original observation. I noticed not knowing who he 
was then that he was rather particular about the salt, and had a mar- 

well as on the American 

wont to be persuaded by the mountebank's zany to buy his 
physic. They were the wise. Their multitude is great and increasing. 
So do the wise increase. We have been, and are continuing to be, 
Americanised. We arc progressing. 

" The Use of Salisbury." 

EVERY amateur of old Church Chaunts and Services is familiar with 
' The use of Salisbury," but it is 
from the old 

did all she knew to attract him, yet he hadn't a word or a look even 
for her, who forthwith began to practise her eye-battery upon a more 
susceptible individual, who shall be nameless here, and who would 
have utterly succumbed before the attack, had he not been previously 
armed against the insidious advances of the SHEEPSEYE Family, whereof 
Miss LAMBKIN is of course a member. MR. RATTELS NAKE was at 
her other elbow, and he was, naturally enough, engaged, as usual (but 
/say nothing), with MRS. BYRDE, who certainly did look radiant. 
When the Lady Birds had retired to commence warbling aloft, and 


Sesslon ^ P uttm K SALISBURY 

to find " the use of 
to the modern Civil 
We 've got no work to do," 
by the active-minded 
in the first half of the 
use indeed. 


A CONTEMPORARY stated that 
" The trial of the great Nun Case coat about two hundred and fifty pound* 
a day." 
A Cockney friend adds, that was about a Nnn-dred every two hours. 



[MARCH 20, 1869. 

;! : 




COME ! Perhaps we, eminently respectables of the shop, 
the office and the counting-house, had better not turu up 
the whites of our eyes in such very holy horror over the 
sinful sixpenny defrauders by false weights and measures, 
when forty per cent, of us are detected by the Inland 
Revenue Commissioners in making false returns to the 
Income-Tax, under Schedule D, and to the tune of 130 
per cent, under the mark, on the average statement of our 

Let us add the figures for our own more edification. 

Out of 350,000 persons assessed under Schedule D., 
140,000 make false returns. 

Amount returned and paid on, 14,042,000. 

Amount not returned and not paid on, 57,254,000 ! 

The Metropolis accounts for a iifth of the total assess- 
ment under Schedule D. 

Every man who relieves his own burden by a dishonest 
return, throws an additional burden on his honester neigh- 

We would suggest that Schedule D. should be printed 
with a motto from Falstajf: 

" Rob me the Exchequer, the first thing thou dost, and do it 
with unwashed bands, too ! " 


SAT not tradesmen cheat in weight, 

Or practise fraud in measure, 
To such extent as to create 

Much harm, or gain much treasure. 

say not with intent unfair 

The shopkeeper arranges 
Unequal scales ; but wear and tear 

Their due proportion changes. 

'Tis few that can with rogues be classed 

Of all the trading body ; 
No gross aspersion on them cast 

Excuse a little shoddy. 




CONSIDERING the great Convent trial, every Briton must feel 
a very great exaltation of his already high opinion of a British Jury. 
In that case twelve Protestant jurymen had to settle a question of 
convent law between contending Roman Catholics. What next ? 
Another such body of gentlemen may have to determine doctrinal dis- 
putes. A MR. FPOULKES has written a certain letter to ARCHBISHOP 
MANNING his Archbishop. It is denounced by a portion of the 
Roman Catholic Press as heretical. MR. FFOULKES, however, pro- 
fesses Catholicism, and has not been excommunicated. Now, suppose 
MR, FFOULKES were to bring an action against any organ of his own 
denomination for calling him a heretic. Surely he might : heretic is a 
hard word. An accusation of heresy is calculated to do a man injury 
with his co-religionists, may even subject him to special damage. Well, 
suppose an action of libel to be brought on that ground by MR. 
FPOULKES, or any one else in the like case. The defendants would 
plead a justification, and call authorities to support it. Opposite 
experts would be called by the plaintiff, including, perhaps, those who, 
if they deemed him a heretic, should, and would, officially have pro- 
nounced him one. Then, of these differing Roman Catholic doctors, 
a British Protestant Jury would have to decide which were right and 
which were wrong in deciding whether the plaintiff was a heretic or 
not. Sing 

" tremendous British Jury ! " 

Of course the same arbiters may also be called upon, in like manner, 
to determine a similar controversy between Wesleyans, Independents, 
Baptists, or litigants of any other Protestant persuasion, Churchmen 
inclusive, and even Jews as well. 

Now, therefore, your British Jury ought to be perfectly fit to perform 
the united functions of the Court of Arches and the Consistory of 
Rome, together with every kind of Dissenting Council or Conference, 
and the tribunal which serves for the Jewish Sanhedrim into the bar- 
gain. To be, however, thoroughly up to all this work, British jurymen 
in general can hardly, perhaps, be considered to have had quite so 

much education as they ought. But that advantage could be insured 
only by a system of examinations at which the majority of persons at 
present liable to serve as jurors would take exceedingly good care to be 
plucked. The sole way to get any of them to pass would be that of 
paying jurymen liberally for their services. If this were done, the 
examinations for the Jury List might even be made competitive. What 
a noble institution the British Jury would then become ! There would 
be no more petty juries ; every jury would be a Grand Jury. Com- 
posed of successful competitors, our British Jury would indeed be 
what, in original language, I may venture to call the envy of sur- 
rounding nations and the admiration of the world. 

The honour, and still more the emolument, of being empanelled on 
a jury would then be sought, instead of the inconvenience and the 
loss being, if possible, avoided, by the generality of persons in the 
position of A. HOUSEHOLDER. 

P.S. What would be a small addition to the County rates? Only 
the price of exemption from a burden and a bore often attended with a 
ruinous loss of that time which is money. 


THE Builder reports the arrival from Nicaragua of specimens of 
" one of the most gigantic plants in the vegetable kingdom." They 
may be said to be connected with the aristocracy of that kingdom, as 
the plant is " closely allied to " those distinguished members of the 
Arum family, our English " Lords and Ladies." It has only one leaf, 
but that one is nearly fourteen feet long, supported on a stalk measur- 
ing ten. The flower-stem is a foot in circumference the flower, or 
spathe itself, two feet in length. As to colour this Aracean, or 
Aroidean, monster is "purplish blue," and it exhales "a powerful 
carrion-like odour," being thus strong in full proportion to its size. 
Finally, our architectural contemporary informs us that "as this re- 
markable species of Aroidece is quite new to men of science, it has not 
as yet received a name." In compliment to the City of London, 
suppose the botanical authorities call it Gogmagogus graveolens. 

MARCH 20, 1869.] 






heartily upon the progress 
in arithmetic which you are 
making at the War Office. 
Your r predecessor never 
studied further than addi- 
tion ; bat you are bold 
enough to venture on some 
problems in reduction. 
You will require both skill 
and courage in mastering 
this rule, but you need not 
be afraid while you have me 
to back you. I think that 
on the whole you have 
worked out your four first 
sums with very fair success. 
The reduction of the Army 
by eleven thousand men, 
and the reducing of the esti- 
mates by a million and a 
quarter, are problems you 
may pride yourself on having 
nearly conquered. This is, I 
consider, a good result of 
labour, seeing that you did 
not begin to work till Christmas. Still you cannot be too careful in 
the way you do your sums. Here, for instance, are mistakes which 
you might hare well avoided : 

" Th<s most useful arms in the Service are undoubtedly the infantry of the 
line and the artillery. In the former we have reduced some 7000 men, in the 
latter 1439. The least useful branch of the Service for military purpose*, or. 
as far as we are aware, for any purpose but such as the beefeaters would 
answer as well, is the household cavalry ; and in these corps the reduction 
amounts to 12 men ! " 

I don't think beefeaters on horseback would look by any means so 
imposing as life-guardsmen, and it is chiefly as mere ornaments that 
our life-guards are of use. Still in the eyesight of a taxpayer their 
looks may seem imposing in quite another sense, if he only takes the 
trouble to consider what they cost him : 

" The cost of the 1308 life-guardsmen, who delight the nurserymaids in 
St. James 1 Park, is no less than 121,834, without including the expenses 
connected with their barracks ; while the same number of artillery and 
infantry men would cost 62,866 and 52,320 respectively. In other words 
the country pays for each showy life-guard who appears in London or Windsor 
93 per annum, as compared with 47 for the gunner and 40 for the foot- 
soldier, for service in every part of the world." 

What we want our Army for, is not' for splendour, but security. We 
enlist recruits for soldiers, not for showmen. Never mind how nurse- 
maids may cry for their lost loves. Reduce the Ornamentals, when 
next you try your hand at a problem in reduction. The Sovereigns of 
France and of Austria and of Prussia are each of them content with 
two hundred for their body-guard, and if the thirteen hundred life- 
guards were reduced to the same number, I think the fact would not 
be displeasing to our QUEEN, and, as a tax-payer, it could not but be 
pleasing to your 


" The 'hideous structure,' the semaphore in Parliament Street, as CAPTAIN 
DAWSON DAMEK called it, will be brought before the House by him on 
Monday." Morning Paper Summary. 

How many policemen were required to bring it in ? Was it sent 
back again, or consigned to the custody of the Sergeant-at-Arms ? Did 
the Members think what they were doing, when they allowed this 
" hideous structure " to be introduced within their walls ? The pre- 
cedent once established, what is there to prevent all the other hideous 
objects in London being brought before the House, until the Lower 
Chamber is turned into a Chamber of Horrors ? The Statues alone 
would so scare and terrify Members that it would become a matter of 
great difficulty to get together a sufficient number for the transaction 
of business. The House knows something of ugly jobs, but nothing to 
equal these. 

Impromptu on a Tumble. 

(By a Backslider from the. Liquor Law Platform.) 

You shee I 've got no lorush shlandi : 
Tha 's too mush sorra-warra an' brandy. 


" ON the behaviour of Thermometers in a Vacuum," the title of a 
paper lately read before the Royal Society, worded, by the way, as 
though thermometers' were creatures of flesh and blood instead of tubes 
of glass and quicksilver, and accountable for their actions leads 
one to think of the behaviour of Society in a vacuum or pause in con- 
versation, and the valuable auxiliary that man or woman is who can 
fill it up with suitable stopping, i or Society abhors a vacuu 
you will secure honours and rewards, smiles and invitations, by making 
its existence, when you are present, an impossibility. The newspapers 
carefully examined will often supply material. Take this as a sample. 
" SIR CHARLES BRIGHT has picked up the electric cable lost last year 
between Florida and Havannah." There are famous Twins now ex- 
hibiting in London, and a Giantess, also a Circassian Lady, all doing, 
it is reported, a good business in shillings ; but if SIR CHARLES could 
be induced to show himself in the character of the strongest man that 
ever lived, and perform a few feats of this sort, the receipts would be 
enormous, and he would soon pick up a fortune. (Newspapers want 
very careful editing : here are two or three little mishaps. The eminent 
Frenchman lately dead, M. TROPIONG, the President of the Senate, is 
registered in one of the chronicles as having been born in " 1705 " ; I he 
actor now playing at Drury Lane is spoken of as " DK." DILLON ; and 
a young lady of the name of " EDITH " is twice mentioned in a notice 
of School, who was certainly not in toe piece when we had the pleasure 
of seeing it.) 

You will find everybody still in the bluet, and you are recommended 
to buy a scarf and charter a steamer, and " Go to Putney " to see the 
Boat Race, if you have social engagements for the 17th and following 
days, and do not wish to be completely stranded in conversation, or 
considered a poor dull creature unacquainted with the light mtr&t of 
the table the names of the crews, and the Court Circular, and the new 
colour, and bicycle Velocipedes, and the fate of DEMONIA HUDDKRBURN 
in the hut number of The Monthly Stimulant, and only caring for such 
solid fare as the Debate on the Second Reading, or Habitual Criminals, 
or the Site of the Law Courts, or PRESIDENT GRANT, whose Cabinet 
you will be surprised to find does not enter half so much, into table-talk 
as MBS. THWAITES'S, or MADAME RACHEL'S furniture. 

Take the opportunity, when discussing the Race, (which yon may be 
certain the papers will say was attended oy a greater crowd than in any 
previous year, and was timed by one of MATNE SPRING'S chronographs,) if 
there is a seaman present, to ask him what " logarithmic waves " are ; 
and do not be astonished if the great contest brings on the cloth other 
University matters of the highest moment. Can you guess what they 
are ? You very properly suggest unattached Students, or new Pro- 
fessorships, or the Abolition of Religious Tests, or, perhaps, the Keble 
College f Nothing of this sort will come on for hearing. You mistake 
if you'suppose that the main object of a modern University education 
is study : you would jump to a right conclusion if you said it was sport. 
Oxford and Cambridge are splendid Gymnasiums, with the public 
schools for preparatory academies, and will soon, no doubt, have 
athletic Professors, Fellows, and Scholars ; and men will go out in the 
Athletical school just as they do now in that of History or Natural 
Science only in greater numbers. Boat-races, cricket-matches, bil- 
liard-matches, racket-matches, athletic sports with all these pressing 
engagements to attend to, is it not unreasonable to expect a man to find 
time Tor a careful study of the works of THUCYDIDES and ARISTOTLE, 
or the tedious productions of EUCLID and NEWTON? So for you 
will hardly like to appear an ignoramus in the presence of a young 
gentleman with perfect clothes and a faultless arrangement of his hair, 
whose parents pay three hundred a year that he may decorate the 
family sideboard with silver cups and medals qualify yourself in- 
stanter to talk about pole-jumping, and hurdle-races, and putting the 
weight, and throwing the hammer, and the wide jump, and the high 
jump, and all the other new University studies which, by their intro- 
, duction into the academical curriculum, are bringing plenty of business 
I to a most valuable class of men the silversmiths and, as some people 
think, to the doctors also. But if Paterfamilias approves of all this 
athleticism, on the whole preferring it to asceticism, who need growl ? 

Bern Acu Tetigisti. 

SIR C. E. TRBVELYAN suggests that Cleopatra's needle should be 
brought from Alexandria and set up on the Thames Embankment, in 
the open space between the new wings of the Temple, facing the river. 
We confess we can't quite see the point even of so large a needle on 
such a site. We would suggest, as a more appropriate posit ion, on 
1 geographical and other considerations, the front of the India Office, 
and beside the needle, a statue of Jons DUKE OF ARGYLL, as the 
greatest CAM'EL living, trying to get through the eye of it ! 

" PARTY PROCESSIONS." Going down to Supper. 



[MARCH 20, 1869. 



HARK. ! as the clocks the quarters chime, 

The sound of the sweeping oars in time ; 

Hark ! as the bright, blue blades appear, 

The crowd, the cry, and the rolling cheer ! 
Row, Oxford, row, the stream runs fast, 
The Winning-post's near, and the Bridge is past. 

See ! all the line your flags unfurl ; 

See ! the blue crest upon braid and curl ; 

Now, for the love of the girls on shore, 

Pull, stroke and bow, puU every oar ! 

Row, Cambridge, row, the stream runs fast, 
The Winning-post 's near, and the Bridge is past. 

Fly on the tide this afternoon ! 
City and Town will shout for you soon ; 
City and Town will wish for you there 
Cool heads, stout hearts, and wind to spare. 
Row, victors, row, the stream runs fast, 

The good 

is here, and the danger 's past. 


LORD GLASGOW is gone. He seems, though but a racing nobleman, 
to merit a word from Punch. For he was also a racing gentleman. 
He loved the sport for its own sake, and took its risks and chances as 
"sport." So the real turf-man, the fellow who cares no more about 
his horse, except as a thing to play with, than you care about the dice 
that give you the bar point, called him eccentric. He had a bothersome 
habit of not naming his horses, and this was inconvenient to the betting 
rascals, whose vocal powers, except for bad language, are small. He 
was a gentleman peace to his mattes, and those of his steeds. 

THE HEIGHT OP FASHION. Ladies' Hair as now worn. 


ST. GEORGE, in his character of a gallant knight on l^rseback, 
spiking a dragon, was disgracefully removed from the sovereign ; and 
Mr. Punch has scarcely cared to take a sovereign since. If he does, it 
is only to do like other people, and because that coin does as well as 
any other to shy at a waiter after dinner, and in exchange for the 
cigar-light. But St. George, as the jolly Cappadocian Baker, has 
never had half justice done nim, and Mr. Punch inclines to consider 
him in this light. The notion came into his head at St. George's own 
Hall, nearly opposite the Polytechnic, the other night, while he was 
listening to the Christy Minstrels, who made musical the echoes of 
that highly superior edifice. It occurred to Mr. Punch that he would 
write them an opera, to be called George, the Cappadocian, or the Brave 
British Baker. We hereby copyright the idea. There be passages 
in the life of St. George which would not only delight, but instruct. 
We should not leave out the Dragon, but should put him in a new 
light. George was brave, but a cheat. The Dragon was the type of 
the Magistrates who seek to prevent bakers from cheating. We 
should not give George the victory, though he gets it now-a-days, 
thanks to the imbecile idiotcy of Vestries, but we should repress him by 
means of the beautiful Princess. We forget whether Cappadocia is a 
place where blacks live ; but no matter ; we should certainly let the 
Christy Minstrels wear their sable, though we never could comprehend 
why really charming melody should come more pleasantly to the ear 
through redded lips than from an artist's natural mouth. Yes, we are 
rather nuts upon our Cappadocian opera, and shall probably give the 
scenario at an early date. Meantime, go to St. George's Hall, and hear 
the Minstrels ; for they are exceeding good, both in serious and comig 
work, and they have excluded all the vulgarity which used to make 
Punch long to break the woolley heads of other days. 

A Sweet Idea. 

GIVING sugarplums to children, if not an act of bonhomie, r v&y surely 
be regarded as an act of bonbon-nomie. 


Printed by Joseph Smith , of No. 24, Holtord Square, in the Pamh ot St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at tne Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans. * Co., Lombard 

MAUCH 27, 1869.] 



\ ni.i N-] i:i 11 Review, a dis- 
tinct thing altogether from 
au Amateur Magazine, is 
to be held next Monday 
at Dover, and you are 
hereby cautioned not to 
tiro off as your own that 
joke about " Dover's Pow- 
der " which you read in a 
newspaper, when once 
before Shakspeare's Cliff 
reverberated with the roar 
of riflery, and the poor 
samphire-gatherer hung 
halfway 'down, terror- 
stricken at the warlike pro- 
cecdingsof the Honourable 
Artillery Company. 

You have heard of 
speaking-trumpet, of fa 
tasting-order, of smelling- 
salts, of a touching dis- 
course, of a laughing-stock, 
a crying evil, a walking 
dictionary, a " talking 
oak," and many other 
things which, if there is 
any accuracy in language, 
must be considered as en- 
dowed with the senses and faculties of animate beings ; and we have 
now to acquaint you with the existence of another member of the same 
category always be scientific in your nomenclature which, if it can 
be generally introduced into Society, will prove a real blessing to the 
dullest, tlie shyest, the youngest of its victims, and save them from the 
i- and cold extremities. The. discovery we have made is that 
there is Midi a iliing as " a Conversational Sofa." Only secure that 
and you will never again have to resort to the 
earthquake, or the Irish Church Debate, or the prospectus of the 
amalgamated operas the new "Musical Union" or PRINCE ARTIII: it's 
visit to Ireland (the MARCHIONESS OF ELY'S country-house will be 
known in history as " ARTHUR'S Seat "), or any other of those subjects, 
wliicli when started are a fatal symptom that old A.DDLBBY or Young 
BOOBISON is pumped dry, and attacked with the distressing thought 
what on earth am I to say next P 

Do people ever talk upholstery when assembled round "The 
Mahogany Tree," just as they talk dress, or wines, or horses ? If so. 
please to try and find out from some thoroughly well-informedperson.ana 
get to the bottom of it if you can, what an " occasional " chair is, and 
what it is at those not infrequent times when it is not a chair ? Will 
}<m also asl. i lie lady who lias just charmed 'you with that tender 
andante of M IM>H.SSUII\'S, what " warmed pianos" are, and what is 
the caloric applied to these instruments, and if coal whether Silks-tone ? 
Everybody should have a good word and a good wish for the Volun- 
tary System. Were you not once yourself (for six weeks) a very 
inetl'eetive private in the Third 'Stock'ingh.imshire Rifles, and was not 
the drill-sergeant almost driven to drink by the uncertainty you displayed 
as to which was your right leg and which was your left, and did you 
not resign, on the plea of a lengthened stay in the Metropolis, rather 
than have your nether limbs distinguished by chalk symbols ? Unless, 
therefore, you are greatly changed, and have seen the error of your 
legs since those pleasant days (notwithstanding the drill-iergeant) at 
\ de, you are not very likely to be found amongst the plucky men 
who will leave home in the gray of the morning and their uniform on 
Monday, the -11 ih, and return, covered with dust and glory, a little after 
midnight. As, however, you may be dining out on that day at some hos- 
pitablr house which has sent its gallant contingent to the great muster. 
lor action by making yourself acquainted with the names of 
the officers in command of divisions and brigades, and the names and 
numbers as given in the papers, which you had better make up your 
mind will be particularly vociferous that evening, of the various corps 
which left the railway stations at G A.M., in high spirits and knicker- 
bockers, if you desire to get on satisfactorily with charming persons in 
pink tulle and blue silk whose parents, husbands, brothers, and lovers 
(there is probably now a genteeler term, but we don't know it, and this 
is in Shakspeare and Tennyson) have gone forth to march past a flagstaff, 
and increase the traffic receipts of the London, Chatham and Dover 

You may be as ignorant of musketry drill as of harpooning, you may 
be as clnmsv with a rifle as you would be with a theodolite, you may 
think MK. CARITWELL right not to increase the capitation grant, but 
you must wish the Volunteer army (to whom Easter Monday will not 
be exactly a holiday) fine weather, a pleasant journey, a successful 
meeting, and reasonable hotel-charges. 

P.S. Grumbling are you, because there is nothing in this despatch 
about tin- Irish ( hurcli Debate P Go to your " Essence of Parliament." 
You are sure to find there far better hints than any we can otter. 


loyally and Ivnugly Dedicated by Ma. Pt'scii to Jl.H.ll. PRINCESS 

1 Y there's a spirit of the tree, as fair Greek fable tells. 
Ami the green blood of the Dryad is the sap of acorn-bells, 
Not death, bat higher life, befalls the Nymphs of the oak-trees 
That are squared and shaped, and set to frame the ships that rule the 

And they were not doleful Dryads, but exulting ones that spread 
Their unseen wings for shelter of LOUISE'S gracious head, 
As she faced the nipping March wind, like a daughter of the sea, 
To christen the last war-ship that from Deptford launched will be. 

Lift high the wine, sweet Princess, and with blood-red baptism crown, 
The bows, slow creeping streamwanU, as the dog-shores are struck 

down : 

And, tit name for last heart of oak that from Dept ford-slip* shall glide, 
Hid " (iod speed " to The Druid, as she curt'sies to the tide. 

Tis the last launch from Deptford : the old yard has had its day ; 
Time, change and war-ships with them : oak yields to iron's sway : 
There are wider slip* and statelier sheds, and broader quays olwhcre, 
And Wisdom says " concentrate," and Thrift says " save and SJMUTC." 

Deptford is now a frowsy place, ill-smelling, dank and low, 

muddy banks are eat away by a foul stream's festering flow : 
Where low Vice hauuts and flaunts, and flares, fed full on sailors' gains, 
And threatening them with surer wreck than all lee-shores or mams. 

But the Dcptford that we look on, to whose yard we bid good bye, 
Was once the Deptford, where, in pride. Me Great Harry wont to lie ; 
Where, lusty King to lordly ship, from his Greenwich palace near. 
Bluff KING HAL among his shipwrights showed broad breast and face 
of cheer. 

With delicate ANNE BOLEYX upon his brawny arm- 
Lamb and Lion. monarch's majesty, enhancing woman's charm 
To mark, well-pleased, how in his yard the work sped swift along, 
From fair keel to tall top-side of swift pink and carrack strong. 

And rapid ran the Ravensbourne, a cleanly country stream, 
Glassing in its bright bosom, brave attire, and banners' gleam, 
When, fenc'd in tower of jewelled ruff and tun of pearled robe, 
Came good QUEEN BESS to welcome CAPTAIN DBAILK from round the 

Twas in this very Deptford creek was drawn The Golden llixd, 
Fragrant with spices of New Spain, rich with heap'd spoils of Ind, 
As to bold Queen bold Buccaneer knelt on his own deck-board 
Plain CAPTAIN DRAKE, and rose again SIB FBASCU from her sword. 

'Twas in Deptford yard, from reign to reign, the PBTTS* their credit 


Handing their craft of ship-builder from famous sire to son ; 
To Deptford smug SAM PKPYS took boat, in CHARLES'S thnftless day, 
To note " how still our debts do grow, and our fleet do decay." 

And hither, from the fair-trimmed yews and hollies of Sayes Court, 
Came a burly, bull-necked Muscovite, for labour and disport ; 
Sturdy swinker, lusty drinker ; king with king, and tar with tar, 
The Northern Demiurgus, Russ Prometheus, PTEB TZAB. 

Richer in slips and stores and sheds, there be other yards, I trow, 
Hut none more rich in memories. Old Deptford yard, than thou. 

.s well done and worthily of a Princess fair and sweet, 
To christen the last war-babe, born of thee into our fleet. 

And may The Druid ne'er disgrace the parentage she owns, 

Or mar the glorious memories that spring from Deptford it 

May she bear her worthy England, and the white hand that but now 

lias dashed the wine of baptism upon her shapely bow ! 

The PETTS were the ' "f the English nsvy from 

the days of JAMBS THE FIRST to those of JAMES THE SECOND. 

A Third Competitor. 

IT may have escaped observation that on the day of the University 
Boat Race there were three eights on the River the Oxford Eight, the 
Cambridge Eight, and the Chiswick Eyot. 

VnT. T.VT 



[MABCH 27, 1869. 


Scotch Excursionist. " YE DINNA CHARGE A BAWBEE AT A' THE BRIGS ih 

Scotch Excursionist (repocketing coin). " E EH THEN, WTJD YE BE KIND ENEUCH 



How doth the busy Undergrad 

Improve each shining hour, 
Loving; each new athletic " fad," 

To show his muscle's power ! 

To learn to row and feather well, 

What awful pains he takes ? 
But just to see his name in Bell, 

Full compensation makes. 

To pull stroke-oar, to coach a crew, 

He aims to be a dab ; 
And such disgrace he never knew,- 

As when he caught a crab. 

The, cue, the leaping-pole as well, 
Have each their charms for Mm ; 

Or at the gloves he takes a spell, 
To keep his lungs in trim. 

At cricket, racquets, or at fives, 

He yearns his skill to show ; 
And little time to spare he strives, 

To pass his Little Go. 

In feats of strength and games of skill 

His time must all be passed, 
Heedless that, 'spite of cram, he will 

Be sorely plucked at last. 

Papers out of Print. 

WE see announced a recent invention by a foreigner for 
thoroughly obliterating printers'-ink from newspapers, so 
that to-morrow's news may be published on returned 
sheets of the journal of to-day. This may be economical, 
and, if so, will perhaps be pretty generally adopted. We 
may live to hear of journals being hired for perusal, and 
then sent back to be cleaned and reprinted for next day. 
As for most of the French newspapers, and especially the 
" Comic " ones, the sooner all the ink is taken out of them 
the better ; for what they print is frequently so unclean in 
its character, that they often should do penance by appearing 
in white sheets. 

BILL. To show respect for Founder's wishes. Throw 
over their wills. 


ATTENTION, Judges, Gentlemen of the Long Robe, and British Public 
at large, to the following utterance of the MASTER or THE ROLLS, re- 
ported to have been delivered in SANGER . SANGER, exports DR. 
JAMES CLARK. Note that the sum referred to in it was that of a 
hundred guineas, which DR. CLARK having at first declined, had 
finally accepted. 

" His LORDSHIP said, I think this sum is even more than DB. CLARK is 
entitled to, and I must dismiss his summons with costs from the time when 
he rejected the guardians' offer of a hundred guineas. I think it right to add 
that if the ease had not ended as it has, I should have disallowed the visits to 
the sea-side altogether, as well as the concluding item, and have materially 
reduced the allowance for visits." 

DR. CLARK had, as a general practitioner, attended two young ladies, 
sisters, the elder for some slight complaint, the younger for measles 
and other ailments of a dangerous kind which "required his continuous 
care and attention for many weeks." These young kdies were at 
school at i St. John's Wood. DR. CLARK had paid one hundred and 
twenty-five visits, inclusive of two journeys to \Vorthing and three to 
Brighton, besides meeting SIR WILLIAM JENNER in consultation thrice. 
He charged at the rate of a guinea a visit or half-a-guinea, when he 
saw the two. His whole claim amounted to 310 5s. fid., which, 
besides extra charges for the journeys out of town, comprised a fee of 
six guineas paid to DR. JENNER, and forty guineas for " correspondence 
and sundry consultations and interviews with the solicitors and other 
parties interested in the cause." This claim, for which he had sued 
the guardians of the young ladies, Da. CLARK had "adjourned from 
Chambers," whereat the Chief Clerk had awarded him 82 13s., which 
the MASTER OF THE ROLLS appears to have thought enough, as he 
considered a hundred guineas too much. 
It may be that Da. CLARK, in the amount which he claimed, did not 

at all under-estimate the value of medical attendance. But did the 
MASTER OF THE Rou.s not, somewhat depreciate that commodity in 
appraising so much of it as DR. CLAEK had supplied those young ladies 
at less than a hundred g-iineas ? Did not the, learned Judge under- 
value it, if not absolutely yet relatively ? LORD ROMTLLY has ascended 
to the eminence which he adorns from the Bar. Does he account 
the remuneration asked by DR. CLARK for medical services, 
however exorbitant simply considered, to be at all unreasonable in 
comparison' with that to which a corresponding quantity of forensic 
work is commonly allowed to entitle barristers ? It is true that 
Da. CLARK'S own counsel acknowledged that his charges were large. 
One would like, however, to know how much the briefs of those learned 
gentlemen have cost DR. CLARK, and whether the fees which they 
are accustomed to derive from their clients fall, on an average, very 
much below the rate at which that medical gentleman charges his 
patients. If a tariff were to be fixed for Law, proportionate to that 
which the MASTER OF THE ROLLS adjudges to Medicine, would not the 
legal profession, and especially the Bar, have to deplore a loss of 
income which lawyers could now incur only from circumstances affect- 
ing their labour-market, so as to occasion a tremendous fall in fees P 

Representation of Shop. 

THE legal profession owes a debt of gratitude to MR. T. CHAMBERS 
for opposing MR. BAINES'S Libel Bill, which would tend materially to 
diminish the number of actions brought against newspaper proprietors. 
In order to discharge this obligation, the inferior class of attorneys, 
and the lowr r Members of the Bar, might club together and get up a 
subscription for the purpose of presenting the honourable and learned 
gentleman with a gilt wig. 

HABIT-UAL CRIMINALS. Exorbitant Tailors. 

MARCH 27, 1869.] 







(The Right of Translation is restrced.) 



[MARCH 27, 1869. 


MONDAY, March 15. This week, but, not until Thursday, began the 
Grand Remonstrance against the Irish Church Bill, which the Con- 
servatives call Spoliation, but MR. DiSKiELi will not he draws the 
line at Confiscation, a much prettier word, and derived, as Mr. Punch's 
boys, just home for Easter, inform him, from the Latin signifying 
" laid up in the public treasury." This is rather a happy escape from 
nonsense, only we doubt whether the Conservatives, generally, are suffi- 
ciently up in their classics to appreciate their leader's delicate euphemism. 
Laid up in the public treasury is just what the Irish Church revenues 
are going to be. 

But Mr. Punch will briefly note the work'which preceded the He- 
monstrance. On Monday the Lords took the Criminals in hand, made 
the clause against the Receivers of Stolen Goods still more severe, 
and listened to the appeal of the Pawnbrokers, who allege that a great 
many of them are too respectable to deserve to be included in a 
Bill directed against rascaldom. This appeal was felt to be reasonable, 
and there is to be a separate measure for the Universal Uncle. Why 
the Marine Store-keepers should also be allowed consideration, Mr. 
Punch is unaware, as he considers them pests, who do more to 
encourage the breeding of thieves , than! any class of the f QUEEN'S 
subjects. He would like to see them extirpated. But he trusts that 
the powers which will be given to the police for dealing with them will 
be carried out with such persistent and unrelenting vigilance and 
severity that the abominable trade will soon become hardly worth 
following. MK. MELTER Moss is also to be legislated for, and we 
hope that he also will hear something greatly to his disadvantage. 

ALDERMAN WATERLOW was declared unduly elected, on the ground 
that he had not relinquished a Government contract quite early enough. 
Formalities are valuable, but Mr. Punch will be sorry if an energetic 
and able reformer of social grievances should not be again returned. 
MK. MIALL. victor at Bradford, t9ok his seat, and Mr. Punch joined in 
the cheer which greeted this distinguished Dissenter, because, though 
the former is by no means in accord with MR. MIALL upon many 
subjects, he is a thoroughly honest champion of the opinions which 
he professes. MIALL, according to the learned MR, MARK ANTHONY 
LOWER (whose book on the derivation and meaning of family names is 
the pleasantest of reading) is from MIGHELL, a mediaeval form ol 
MICHAEL, which it may be agreeable and consoling to the Member 
for Bradford to know, when he is fighting with the Dragon Establish- 

The " heedless rhetoric " headless would be as good a word of a 
ridiculous Irish priest called SHANAHAN (what can it signify what a 
creature called SHANAHAN says?) received more notice than it de- 
served. Most of the utterances of such folk may be dismissed in the 
spirit in which FONTENELLE spoke of his brother, also a priest 
" What does your brother say, M. DE FONTENELLE ? " " In the 
morning he says mass." " And in the evening ? " " In the evening 
he does not know what he says." 

We then had a most interesting speech from MR. FOHSTEK, ex- 
pounding his scheme for the Reform of Endowed Grammar Schools 
If people comprehended the importance of this subject, they woulc 
talk more about it. We have the means of giving a capital Secondary 
Education (as distinguished from Elementary) to every boy of "pregnan 
wit," and we have a net 350,000 to give it with. But we have let the 
schools go to the Juice, and it is very hard work to get a boyttaugh 
at all. If you send him to a costly school, he learns Greek and cricket 
and if yon send him to a cheap school he learns nothing but slang 
Now, as we want him to learn some classics, much science, and severa 
modern languages, reading, writing, and arithmetic, it is clear that our 
system is wrong. It could be all set right, without injury to anybody 
and with incalculable benefit to myriads, by carrying out the wise in 
tentions of our ancestors. This is what MR. FORSTER'S Bill is designec 
to effect, and we wish it all success. If the British Parent is bettei 
than a Parent of Goslings, he will wake up on this question. The BiJ 
goes to a Select Committee. 

The University Tests Bill was read a Second Time, after an abl 
speech by SIR ROUNDELL PALMER, who purposes to introduce into i 
a declaration that the admission of non-Churchmen to the goyernmen 
of the University shall not interfere with the system of religious in 
struction now, or hereafter to be established there. This seems but 
sort of anodyne effort, but it may soothe sundry. In the course o 
his speech he quoted COWPER'S description of the sheep who were s 
frightened by the houuds that it was proposed by one terrified ovi 

" To save our lives we leap into the pit." 

Mr- Punch apologises for the burst of laughter which broke fron 
him when the next orator rose, and which seemed to puKzle th 
SPEAKER, and all around, but the fact was that the next fines in th 
poem occurred to him : 

' Then followed him his loving mate and true, 
But more discreet thun he, a Cambrian Ewe," 

r the next Member who rose was MR. O. MORGAN, a clever Welsh 
lember. Of course, he is neither SIR ROUNDELL'S mate, nor a Ewe, 
ut that 's nothing when a wittikism occurs. He spoke very well. So 
d DR. LYON PLAYFAIR, whom Mr. Punch welcomes to the political 
ena. The Bill was read a Second Time without a division, though 
[R. HARDY, admitting that there was as much personal religion 
what 's this a religion that likes personalities ?) among Dissenters as 
mong Churchmen, fulminated valiantly against it. 

Tuesday was a Ballot Night. MR. LEATIIAM delivered about as 
ood a speech for secret voting as you should desire to hear, and 
ished it made an instruction to the Committee, which is to sit on the 
uestion of making Parliamentary and Municipal elections more pure, 
hat they should consider the Ballot. SIR GEOKGE GREY and the 
REMIEK, however, thought this unadvisable, and the motion was 
withdrawn. Observe the Cartoon, for an exquisite and exact illustra- 
on of the hugely mended prospects of " Little Boy Ballot." 

MX. WHALLEY, having ventilated Income-Tax notions, was cruelly 
erided by Ms. LO\VE, and replied that the Chancellor was impertinent, 
nd therefore-^nark the wise WHALLEY he would divide. But MR. 
IRIGHT told him not to be so absurd, so he abstained. 

The only other remarkable things were that on the Party Processions 
Vet COLONEL KNOX (we told you that Our Colonel was to the fore) 
tated that MR. GLADSTONE was about to fling the Bible on the floor 
f the House. Whatever the PREMIER'S intentions may have been, he 
erformed no such indecorous act that evening nor has he done it up 
o the time of our going to press. 

Wednesday. Revenue officers can vote, but now they want a relaxa- 
ion of the law which prevents their meddling and muddling iu clcc- 
ions. MR. GLADSTONE opposed the proposal, and spoke strongly 
gainst imitating one of the worst features of American arrangements. 
t was rejected by 207 to 88. 

MR. AYRTON, tor Government, opposed the Bill for freeing news- 
papers from actions for libel in respect of reports, announcing that 
jovernment were, going to bring in a great measure for establishing 
he Freedom'of the Press. This sensational announcement is worth 
noting we fancied that the Press had made a Public Opinion which 
.ad already established that Freedom, but officials know best. 

Thursday. My Lords had a spirited debate on the Administration of 
jaw in Ireland, and there was much taunting of Government for 
etting loose the Fenians, whose friends exult and jeer. " No more 
advice "(is to be given to the QUEEN on the subject, which means that 
,he Fenians now in gaol are to stick there ana very proper, too. 

In the Commons, as hath been said, the Grand Remonstrance began. 
Sin, DISRAELI, in pursuance of notice, led off with an oration, termi- 
nating with a motion that the Church Bill be rejected. Now, neither 
in the 1 case of MR.. DISRAELI, nor of the other speakers, is Mr. Punch 
;oing to flood his invaluable space with notices of twenty times used 
irguments. He merely means to note anything salient, or sapient. 

MB. DiSRAELi's.speech was, in one sense, a failure. Yet Mr. Punch 
is not sure that such failure is not more honourable to his candour, 
and more creditable to his brains, than if he had delivered the most 
crvent and brilliant of harangues against his manifest convictions. 
The best thing that can be said of his speech is, that it utterly dissatis- 
ied his party, who were .ominously silent, who went away displeased, 
and whom it was sought to comfort next day by assurances thai 
;here was the utmost wisdom in their chief's " studied moderation." 
You may judge him generously, or cynically, according to your natures. 
If you take the former alternative, you may say that though accident 
lias made him the head of the Tones, he cannot talk their nonsense, 
and that as MACAULAY wrote of PEEL, he could but " perform the hare 
task of translating the gibberish of bigots into language which might 
not mis-become the mouth of a man of sense." If the latter, you cat 
hint that MR. DISRAELI was too clever to make a speech that shouk 
effectually prevent his ever taking advantage of the chapter of acci 
dents, and again leading the House of Commons. Anyhow, he deliverec 
a mere Perfunctory Protest. He expatiated upon the advantages o 
religion, and upon the freedom which a Union of Church and State 
had given us, and pictured the consequences of a destruction of tolera- 
tion. The Church of Ireland was not the only cause of Irish disaffec 
tiou, and we t should next have to deal with the Land. If the principle 
of confiscation were to be introduced into Ireland, it must also be in 
troduced into England. After some ingenious battering at the details 
of the measure, and a few adroitly framed and amusing paradoxes 
which he would be the last to call arguments, he described the measure 
as almost dangerous one. If MR. DISRAELI were bound to say any 
thing, Punch does not see how much less he could say, in his position 
but assuredly his party has only to thank him for giving them thr 
broadest hint that the situation must be accepted. 

However, they were avenged by dear SIK GEORGE JENKINSON, who 
raved away like a good one, talked of Jesuitical sopliistry, substitution 
of the Supremacy of the POPE for the mild sway of the QUEEN, blow 
ing-up of prisons by Fenians, who were rewarded by release, and ht 
even revived the lamented SIUTUORT'S Tivieo Danaos, We hopee 
those poor Greeks had gone to sleep. There were several mor 

MARCH 27, 1869.] 



speeches, and the Irish Secretary made one of the best which could be 
delivered on the subject. " The Bill was sweeping and severe, and it 
would be weakness and folly if it were anything else." 

/. Very effective sparring between two clever Irish lawyers, 
l)ii. BALI, and the present ATTOmsET-GBNERAL for Hibernia, an ex- 
ulting address from M K. M i U.L, and a series of neatly-aimed shots from 

I.TIICOTK'S small-bore, were the not in 

of the night, which was closed by one of the finest orations ever 

|!HIOUT. We had heard much about Religion, but 

MK. BKK.IIT introduced the element of Christianity, which asserted its 

power, mid gave the speaker a grander triumph than one of mere 

ice, however splendid. Never "despair of the republic," 

u to speak such words, and men to listen to them as 

the English Commons to-night listened to JOHN BRIGHT. 


JUDICIOUS article, Mr. 
Pmieh, in the Pall 
Mall Gatelte on 
"The Dress of Eng- 
lishwomen," con- 
tains the following 
passage : 

"lien u well as 
women sometimes 
dress in an (coentric 
manner from mere 
caprice, or from an 
idea that it is un- 
worthy of a ' sensible ' 
person to take any 
trouble whatever 
about dress. They 
think it is creditable 
to them to say, ' I do 
not care how I dress.' 
In reality it only 
shows that they are 
untidy by nature. No 
man pays his brains 
a compliment by going 
about the streets a 
sloven. Men of talent, 
great writers, am 
great orators, mus 
cherish the belief tha 
they are superior to 

dress, or the shabbiest men in the community would not be found so often in 

their ranks." 

All this is undeniable. There arc, however, those who take no 
trouble whatever about their dress from quite another cause than th 
idea that it is unworthy of a sensible person. Let me describe one o 
them. Nr, I ;n M accustomed, myself, to dress without the least regan 
to any oi -i rations than common decency, comfort, durability 

cleanliness, ;uul cheapness I never did dress with much concern foi 
was simply because I knew it would be thrown away 
In my best days even I was short, fat, and dumpy, not, indeed, exactly 
round as to figure, but oval : my circumference at the waist being m; 
greatest, and the measure thereof considerably exceeding my height 
.My le^s were what my schoolfellows called bandy, as of course the; 
remain ; and in growing older I have grown not taller but bigger 
round, so I hat my form approaches that of the Earth, and if I were a 
monk I might be said to belong to the Order of Oblate Fathers. 

In face 1 was, and am, what women euphemistically call plain in a 
plain word, uly. Not only were my features always as coarse anc 
lumpish, nearly, as they are now, but they at all times wore a dull, un 
intelligent expression, which has by no means improved with years 
and if I were quite as foolish as. I look, I should be as great a fool 
almost, as anyone I know. 

Now, if any arts of dress could possibly have rendered my bodil; 
disadvantages otherwise than remarkable, 1 should certainly not havi 
failed to dress, in my youth at least, as well as 1 could afford : 

" Costly my habit as my purse could buy." 

Because, never having been an object of anybody's fear, I have often 
had my personal defects ridiculed in my own presence. When I was a 
boy some other boys would continually inform me of them ; just as 
men, who were once such boys, are, chiefly for want of anything wiser 
to say, wont to remind each other that they are getting old, losing 
their hair, their teeth, their sight, their memory, or their intellect. 

Now, so long as people say nothing that is likely to do me any 
damage, I don't care a straw how they talk about me behind my back 
Anyhow they may laugh at me as much as ever they please. But ] 
object to being made fun of to my face. If a man merely gird at my 

nose, and I pull his, I commit an assault. Prudence may even forbid 
me to retort upon him in a sarcasm. Not resenting Ins insult, I feel a 

emporary humiliation. To ! sure it is only temporary, but 

ime it is unpleasant, and could 1 avert this annoyance by wearing 

i dress I would, unless it were too expensive. 
I should once have taken as great pains about my clothing as any 

'op could, if I had been so good looking a fellow as to be capable of 
conciliating the favour of young ladies ; but 1 knew tli 
could put on would prevent me from being outweighed, in their esti- 
mation, by every handsome fool. I have now attained to an age at 
which every man ceases to be an object of interest to the gentler sex, 
unless he is rich ; but, if I thought that, by an improvement of mr cos- 

;ume. I could ingratiate myself with the better sort of them, 1 should 
still be disposed to adopt it. Circumstanced as I am, however, all 
expenditure on decoration, which would be unavailing and not pay, is 

jxcluded by the economy which of necessity presides over my wardrobe. 
What I save by thus retrenching that outward show that could give 
me no pleasure, enables me to purvey gratification to a sensitive in- 

rior. So, albeit never taking the least trouble about my dress, I un 
not, 1 contend, ever ill-dressed. On the contrary, 1 say, I always dress 
as well as 1 need to, and therefore nobody can really dress better than 

Your humble Servant, 


P.S. I assure you that, whenever I cease to be importuned by 
beggars, I always purchase new appareL I doubt whether 1 could 
dress much better than I do, if I tried to. I might quit the stop-shop, 
indeed, and employ a tailor to make my clothes, if I could find anybody 
worthy of that name who would venture. I could ask MK. POOLE, but 
think it very probable that he would refuse. 


FIVE million pounds voted last Session for the Abyssinian war ! 
Three more millions to be voted immediately by the present Parlia- 
ment, and how much besides ROBERT does not know. The Income-Tax 
payers had better make up their minds to be fleeced altogether to the 
amount of 10,000,000. For all these millions we have to show the 
captives'of the late THEODORE, and a quantity of Glory. O Glory, 
what millions have been lavished in thy name ! 

The Yankee soldiers in the Secession Civil War used to march sing- 
ing a song about JOHN BROWS'S body, of which the burden began 
with " Glory ! Glory ! " They sang that ultimately to the tune of 
many millions; so many that it is to be hoped they will not be in 
a hurry to sing it again. Its notes were greenbacks, which, standing 
for dollars, in sum equivalent to hundreds of millions of pounds 
sterling, formed altogether a tune that was very dolorous. 

himself anything but a VARUS, so that Her Most Gracious MAJESTY 
has no cause to cry, with C.BSA* AUGUSTUS, " O NAPIER, restore me 
my legions!" But the Income-Tax payer may well shnek, and, will 
find himself in case to shriek yet louder, "O Abyssinia, give me back 
my millions ! " 

The Income-Taxed'portion of the community may, however, conso 
themselves with the consideration that, besides the Glory which 
country has made them pav for, there certainly are the rescued pri- 
soners to show. Glory, with nothing else, has generally been th 
successful result of our wars, and now that battles have t 
with iron-sided turret-ships, and projectiles so highly improved that 
shells cost from twenty pounds or so, and no shot that will make 
considerable smash can be fired under some five pounds, the war t 
paying class cannot but implore the Government and the Legislat 
to go to the very verge of national humiliation rather than incur 
another Glory Bill which that class will be obb'ged to defray. 

"A Vision of Life." 

A TRINITY College (Dublin) man was talking, the other day upon 
the small value attached to life by uncivilised nations. Somebody n 
marked that in China, if a man were condemned to death, he coulc 
easily hire a substitute to die for him. " Ah yes, said 1 . t. U., 
believe many poor fellows get their living by being substitutes that 
way." .. 

Puffer's) English. 

IN the catalogue of the articles to be disposed of at the sale of old 
BEAUTITUL-FOR-EVER'S effects in Bond btreet. one . 
scribed in vulgar auctioneers' slang as a " matchless s: 
matchless * Was there flo match to it, or no match m it 
tain no matches, or was there no sideboard out so good a- 
malch for the old woman's ? 

NEW MEMBER." The Ear of the House." 



[MARCH 27, 18C9. 




THANKS to MR. TORRENS, who presented their petitions, above a 
hundred Poor-Law Doctors appealed the other day to the Collective 
Wisdom of the country, for redress from certain grievances imposed on 
them by certain Boards of Poor-Law Guardians, who may not impossibly 
be viewed as part ot the Collective I 1 oily of the country. Of these 
grievances the principal are over-work and underpay, and that there 
are certainly some fair grounds for a grumble, the following will 
show : 

" There are parishes in London, and other great towns, where the pay of the 
medical officer does not exceed threepence on an average for each individual 
case. Can anything be more unfair to him, or unwise for the community ? 
How is it possible that he can be expected to devote the time and attention 
necessary for checking disease before its disastrous ripening, or dealing with 
its symptoms after it has come to maturity, when hundreds are distracting his 
attention by their importunities, and when the paramount claims of his own 
household hourly call upon him not to neglect the private practice, "whereby 
alone he can live ? " 

This we quote from the Examiner, a journal which is noted for its 
good sound common-sense. As a rule, our Poor-Law Guardians are not 
famous for this quality, or they would not expect one Doctor to do the 
work of six. Such penny wisdom leads to pound foolishness, of course, 
for by allowing poor sick people the sixth part of what they want in 
medical attentions, their maladies are likely to be multiplied sixfold. 
Thus disease is spread, and parishes are over-burthened with sick 
paupers, who might otherwise be healthy, active labourers, and in need 
of no relief. 

YOT remedy, the Examiner gives the following good advice : 

" One or other of two things ought to be done. Poor-Law medical officers 
ought to be so multiplied as that their work for the parish or the union should 
be adequately compensated by a moderate stipend ; or the stipend should be 

augmented as to justify their being debarred from private practice." 

AVe can fancy what a braying would be heard in certain board-rooms, 
if either of these notions were proposed to be adopted. What he-haws 
would arise at the idea of Parish Doctors being paid enough to free them 

from the need of private practice, and to enable them (it would be 
added) to visit their out-patients in an elegant new carriage, and to 
amass a handsome fortune in, say, half-a-doz:;n years ! Yet, after all, it 
may be questioned if this extravagance would not be cheaper than the 
present stingy system of screwing down poor Doctors to such a scanty 
pittance, that they would soon themselves be paupers did they not 
elsewhere earn money by neglecting, somewhat, those committed to 
their care. 


LITTLE Boy Ballot, come blow me your horn, 
Many now love you who laughed you to scorn : 
Where 's the small boy who was ordered to keep 
Under the hustings, fast asleep f 
Bribing and bullies have waked him now, 
And Cabinet Members are patting his pow, 
Bidding him bring out his musical box, 
That echoes the notes of the popular vox. 

The Government Gymnast. 

WnAT,'s the use of complaining that Athletic Exercises occupy three 
times more of a schoolboy's attention than they ought to do ? MR. 
FORSTEH himself has recognised the system, and actually declares this 
to be his notion of the use of an Endowed School, 



IT is stated that Sin JOHN LAWRENCE, when raised to the Peerage, 
will take the title of Foyle. " Foyle" SIR JOHN may be, and deserves 
to be, but foiled we can never imagine him to be, under any circum- 




MARCH 27, I860.] 




So MR. RUSSELL GUIINKY, you have brought into Parliament a Bill 
for securing the Kiirhts of Property to Wives. Very good, Sir, of 
you ; and so much the worse for handsome CAPTAIN SCAMP and his 
kind, including MR. MANTALINT. But now, when next you are on 
your less to speak upon your Married Women's Property Bill, could 
you just answer these questions r 1 

\\hru a wife, under your arrangements, possesses real or personal 
property of her own, w'ill her hnsb;unl lie entitled to claim the rent 
thereof, or the dividends ? If not, and he nevertheless take and pocket 
tlirin, will he rob her? 

1 f lie rob her, will lie commit a crime ? What will that be ; petty 
larceny or felony ? Will he be liable to be tried for it ? In that case 
will she be permitted to give evidence against him ? Should his theft 
amount to felony, will he, on conviction, forfeit all his goods and 
chattels to the Crown ? 

If a rogue of a husband pick his wife's pocket, will she be enabled to 
call a policeman into the house and give the offender in charge, and 
will a Magistrate be empowered to sentence him summarily to imprison- 
ment and hard labour ? 

If a brute of a husband not only rob his wife, but also beat or throttle 
her, accompanying robbery with violence, do you make the conjugal 
garotter liable to be flogged ? 

If a wife die intestate with surviving relatives, will her widower 
inherit only his " thirds " ? In that case will not the following verses 
probably be set to music by some future MOZAKT : 


LOVE what life shines through thine eyes 

So bright, of clear unclouded blue ! 
What radiant health, my Treasure, dyes 

Thy dimpled cheeks with roseate hue ! 
How frail a thing is yet that life ! 

1 think its loss myself would kill. 
But lest I should, my little wife, 

Perchance survive thee, make thy Will. 

O'er us, united, many years, 

i trust, there are to roll away ; 
But who can, in this vale of tears, 

Be certain of another day ? 
The least delay how oft we rue ! 

Precaution let that thought instil 
What should be done at once to do ; 

Now that is, dearest, make thy Will. 

Else I should not obtain the whole ; 

Some part would go away from me : 
My'owii one, make me, then, thy sole 

Executor and Legatee. 
Then let the happy moments fly, 

Far distant be that hour, until, 
If 1 be, not the first to die, 

When thou wilt leave me. Make thy Will. 

The foregoing Stanzas are supposed to be sung by a fond husband to 
his young wife who has come into the possession of property which, in 
the event of her death and intestacy, he would divide with Co-heirs. 

fortnight and, thanks to smoke and fogs, there is little fear at present 
that' any London savant will condense sullicient sunbeams to stop the 
earth from moving, and thereby whirl us off its surface into never- 
ending space. But it really makes us shudder when we read of thlBM 
like sun-machines, aud imagine Archimedes living, say, in Africa, with 
sunshine always handy, and experimenting quietly to send us all to 
smash ! To condense the solar rays is a grand idea, no doubt, and a 
century or two hence some good may be g^ot out of it. Meanwhile, we 
wish mat somebody, instead of bothering his brains about " arresting the 
earth's course," would try to hit upon a plan for putting sunshine into 
bottles, so that we might import it, as easily as oranges, for our winter's 
use. As for condensing sunshine for practical utility, that, we fear, 
will prove all moonshine. 


DOUBTS having arisen as to which is the right way to play this 
fashionable game, we have waded through a lot of correspondence in 
the newspapers, and have come to the conclusion that these are the 
iroper rules : 

1. The game is commenced by each player cutting a card, and is 
ended by each player cutting away. 

2. The highest cutter deals, and, in cases of dispute, a foot rule may 
>e sent for so that somebody may measure him. 

3. A ten can take a king, and a cat may look at one. 

4. When some one plays the knave, in certain cases some one else 
may send for a policeman. 

5. Should a player be so lucky as to score 500 for a double Wdque, 
lis opponents are allowed to sav he came the double over them. 

G. In declaring a marriage between a king and queen, it is not 
needful that the banns be published by a clergyman. 

7. In Scotland it is dangerons to make a declaration of marriage, if 
on are playing with a widow, and witnesses are present. 

8. Until the last eight tricks you need not follow smit, unless you 
lave the ill lack to walk behind a chimney-sweep. 

9. Whatever points yon hold you must make a point of counting 
,hem ; but you must not count, t liis point in addition to the' others. 

in. The game being 1000 points, when a player scores that number 
to 500 of his adversary, the odds are even at the finish, 500 to won. 

The ways of gpeffing this new game appear to be at various as the ways of 
playing it. Bfsique, Bizique, Baziqne, Basique, all of these appear to be 

" ks. we see, to Bazouk, perhaps 
ind thus somehow confounding 


ACCORDING to GULLIVER, the means of Laputa spent a good deal ol 
their lime, iu attempting the extraction of sunbeams out of cucumbers. 
We find it easier in England to reverse the problem, and with the help 
of earth and seed to grow cucumbers from sunbeams. But this appears 
a paltry purpose to which to put oar sunshine, when we learn from a 
late letter to the Stockholm Aftonlladet that, by condensing the sun's 
rays a motive power may be generated equivalent to stopping the 
motion of the earth. " Stand out of my sunshine," will certainly be 
soon the order of the day, if credit be attached to calculations such as 
this : 

" In weather suitable for the action of sun-machines thn action of the mit 
on a supci tides of 100 square feet can evaporate 489 cubic inches of wate 
in an hour. This corresponds to the action of a motive force capable a 
raising 29,750 Ibs. one foot per minute, and is rather greater than one-horst 
power. It follows that 61,800 steam-engines, of 100-horse power each, can be 
worked with the rays thrown on a Swedish square mile. Archimedes, having 
calculated the force of the lever, explained that he could move the earth fron 
its position. I assort that by condensing the rays of the sun, a force could be 
created that might arrest the earth in its course!" 

We doubt if any patent will be taken out for sun-machines, in this 
country at least, for as a rule the sun shines barely more than once 

Equally in vogue, and one eccentric writer sticks, we see, to Bazouk, perhaps 
from thinking it a rather boshy sort of game, am 

it with a Boshy Ba/ouls. 

SATS a respected contemporary 
11 Music-hall' songs are becoming increasingly idiotic. Subjoined is a 
quotation from a song of MB. ARTHUR LLOYD : 

" Jamsetjee ma jabajehoy, 

Jabbery dobi porie. 
Ikey, Pikey, Sikey, Crikey, 
Chillingowullabadorio !" 

Nay, nay, let ns praise when we can. Our contemporary perhaps 
thinks that it is, while blaming, implying a compliment, on the principle 
on which DR. Joiissos remarked that he was glad to hear a fellow had 
been kicked. " Because, Sir, his character must be rising. I supposed 
that no one thought him worth kicking." Our contemporary rebukes, 
but had previously not thought a music-hall song ,or singer worth 
rebuking. There is much in this. But we had rather praise directly 
The above verses are an improvement on the mass of music-hall min- 
strelsy. They are not indecent, they are not even coarse, they do nol 
express the feelings of a foul cad, there is nothing in them for which a 
singer should be smitten on the mouth. They are harmless nonsense 
Nay, the first word shows that there must even have been some little 
education in the writer, as he has correctly copied an Oriental name. 
Nor should the respectful reference to " 1 key," a sort of patron-saint 
of music-hall people be unnoticed, and " Sikey " too may be affectionate 
for BILL SIKHS, who before he was hanged probably frequented such 
places. The verses are quite harmless, and if the LLOYDS, and SYBSEYS, 
and VANCES, and the fike kept to this sort of thing, we should be in- 
disposed to express, very harshly, the contempt a rational person must 
feel for Music-halls, their habiiuts, and their performers. 

Natural Enough. 

THE entrance-doors of the South Kensington Museum are lettered, 
" Ingress," " Egress." The other day a visitor was overheard won- 
dering where the Ogress was. 

BLACKTHORN WINTER. Why is a Sharp Frost in Spring like a 
B'mbailiff ? Because it arrests " The Rake's Progress." 



[MARCH 27 1869. 


How blithely to the vault of blue 
The lessening lark in carol rises ! 

The violet blooms, the primrose too ; 
And now we hold the Spring Assizes. 

When fair flowers blow, and sweet birds sing, 

We hold Assizes in the Spring. 

The buds put forth their tender leaves ; 

All Nature in her freshest guise is ; 
Meanwhile the Judges rogues and thieves 

Are trying at the Spring Assizes. 
The downs with bleating lambkins ring, 
Assizes whilst we hold in Spring. 

The wild doves in the forest coo, 
And maids and widows win rich prizes 

For breach of promise when they sue 
Deceivers at the Spring Assizes. 

Of trover, lads, your actions bring 

At our Assizes of the Spring. 


Magistrate's Clerk (swearing Witness). " Kiss THE BOOK, MR. JOLTEH." 
Mr. Jolter (exemplary old Peasant " never been before the Justices in his life"). 


DEAR ME. PUNCH, I have just read, in a book of 
travels : 

" At first, the motion of a Mule occasions to the inexperienced 
a feeling of sickness." 

SHAKSPEARE knew everything, Sir. Do you think this 
fact was in his mind when he wrote (As You Like It, Act 
II., so. 7) 

" Muling and puking." 

Yours truly, A DEVOTEE. 
[Get out, smaller parent of a mule. Ed.] 

No Purity of Election ! 

THERE is no denying the truth of what some ass, who 
confounds the meaning of words, might urge as an ob- 
jection against an enactment establishing Vote by Ballot ; 
namely, that it would institute Club Law. 

A FLAT RACE. Simpletons. 



No Lady's letter, cynics say, is complete without a postscript, 
our best thoughts being afterthoughts. You will please observe, how- 
ever, that this is an honourable exception. My husband may make 
any addition he thinks fit, but for that MR. W. must be held respon- 
sible, even should his hand be gently guided by mine. I only write to 
gratify him, as he always smiles whether I appear in type or in tulle, 
m pearl or in small caps. MR. W. likes to see the " young idea " 
dressed in a pretty print. MR. W., I should tell you, is a City gentle- 
man : he has already attained civic honours, and is therefore public 
property. He sits on a Board I am not sure that he don't sit on two 
Boards but I am quite certain that when required he is never absent 
from his post. His political principles are similar to my own a light 
straw colour. Before marriage he was a decided blue, but not wishing 
to create disunion, and all my family being straws, he at my solici- 
tation, on our wedding day, without a moment's demur, consented to 
adopt the fashionable Whig dye. 

MR. W. is naturally sanguine and speculative. He is so fond of 
dabbling in tallow. I scold him, and then he plunges into hides. Once 
or twice but for my restraining voice, he would have fallen heavily over 
pig-iron, and have become involved in cotton-twist. His social feel- 
ings would render him the life and spirit of any company (limited), and 
impel him to join in any wild-goose chace for premiums and bonuses. 
The commercial atmosphere in which he moves is not healthy it is too 
highly cent-ed. 

I never could have acquired such control as I now exercise over 
MR. W . s financial movements had 1 not, at an early period of our 
union, laid down this salutary rule. Every evening 1 require and 
expect that he will make a candid and unreserved confession of all his 
monetary designs and deeds. If he has taken a false step, and is 
penitent, of course 1 absolve him. Occasionally he has to perform 
penance, but that only happens when his confessions have been over- 
heard by his mother-in-law. 

1 am perfectly aware that attorneys are generally considered best 
qualified to act as confessors, because they look as if they were 
deeply "concerned" for suffering humanity. But an attorney, you 
must remember, cannot proceed without consulting his authorities, 
whereas a wife has no one to consult but her Mamma, and has 

tile consorts to make confessors of them. My friend, MRS. CREAMLEY, 
has no notion at all what " Scrip " is, and MRS. SATINWOOD fancies 
that it is something .like those small pellets of silver-paper which we 
sometimes find mixed with our bohea. 

Now that ladies are aspiring to so many vocations for which formerly 
they had little or no incltnaton, there is one important profession to 
which I would earnestly invite their attention. I mean the office of 
Public Auditors. I have seen butchers turn pale and tremble at a 
very young wife's examination of their monthly bills. Think you that 
Directors who had cooked, or made a hash of their accounts.could 
resist the scrutiny of such auditors as MRS. PINPOINTS and MRS. DOTS P 
Would they not sink on their knees, penetrated by the indignant 
glances of MRS. FLINT or MRS. BRIERS, whose hearts, it is well-known, 
are as impenetrable as adamant, and their mental faculties as finely 
pointed as their pens F Let us make the experiment. 

.Another thing I would strongly recommend is that when a large 
Company is in course of liquidation, a warning bell should be rung 
every five minutes, and after a certain interval the decanters replaced 
by tea, chocolate, and coffee. 

I enclose my card, in case you should wish to communicate officially 

' Yours obediently, MAIUA THERESA. 

P.S. I cordially indorse all my wife says in her excellent letter, and 
think her plan of appointing female auditors excellent. As to Com- 
panies in course of liquidation, I fancy their present expenditure con- 
siderably exceeds what under my wife's management would be their 
Tea-total expenses. FRANK 

MARCH 27, 1869.] 





Mixtresi. " WHY ? " 






DAWSON DORMOUSE, by n superhuman effort, managed to leave his 
bedroom at four o'clock in the afternoon, to get himself launched, 
TOM PORCUPINE assisting, into the stream of flaneurs ', and carried to 
the town residence of the DOWAGER DODO, iu the neighbourhood of 

LADY DODO lives in one of those compact little houses, situated in 
one of those compact little streets, which stand away from the vulgar 
thoroughfares with such an air of quiet aristocratic repose, that even 
the careless shop-boy lowers the pitch of his shrill whistle, if, indeed, 
he does not cease altogether ; ana his idle companion rattling with his 
hoop-stick occasionally against the area-railings with unaccustomed 
timidity, finds in even this slight infraction upon the monotonous atmo- 
sphere no relief to his sense of oppression, and giving it up hopelessly, 
trudges on, as if ghostly six-foot footmen in plush and powder were 
ordering him onward ; nor does he again draw breath freely, 
until he turns up in Grosvenor Square, Park Lane, Bond Street, 
or Piccadilly. 

At almost all hours, in these streets, in some form or another, you 
will see grooms, or coachmen, or stable-helps. Either they arc fur- 
tively coming out of area-gates, in mufti, having been, nominally, for 
orders, in reality to join the domestics in the eleven o'clock beer and 
bread-and-cheese (a sort of kitchen dejeuner a la fourchetlr very 
generally, I believe, patronised by our masters below), or they are 
standing on the steps of the front door, waiting to take a message, or 

to receive an answer. Or the groom, turned out spic-and-apan, and 
mounted on a troublesome animal, will be holding SIR TOBY'S fifteen- 
one cob, which was born to carry a Bishop and splash heavily on wet 
days through Rotten Row, to give the portly Churchman exercise. 
Or the coachman, looking straight before him over his immaculate stiffly 
starched white tie, with a face so bright, and bard, and polished, that 
it gives you the idea of his cheeks having been rather planed than 
shaved before he came out, sitting, impassible as a Sphinx, on the box 
of the neatly-appointed brougham, into which anyone of the residents 
of that street ought step without noticing that it was not his or her 
own, so strong in this quarter is tlic family resemblance among the 
vehicles. Carriages with ruby-gilled coachmen perched up aloft, look- 
ing, generally, as if that eminent Judge, MR. BARON MARTIN, had laid 
aside his robes, and was taking some friends out for an airing, these 
may be seen waiting for their ladies in the afternoon ; but they are in 
the minority as compared with broughams, and their appearance here 
is usually a sign of the advent of some illustrious stranger making a 
visit of ceremony. 

Round the corner, at the public-house closely connected with the 
mews, the employes of the stables do mostly congregate. Here is 
their club, their reading-room, their loungmg-room ; to which the 
only drawback is, that ladies are admitted, and those ladies the 
matrons of the mews, or, as W.VGG would say, the Mewses. (By the 
way, 1 don't think this is quite good enough for WAGG ; it 's more in 
ALF POODEL'S line, who forces out the most audacious and atrocious 
puns whenever he can get an opportunity, which, may his patrons and 
toadies be forgiven, I regret to say is too often given aim.) 

A noticeable fact in this quarter is, that they seem to love a semi- 
darkness, as if they were a colony of Spiritualists, engaged in perpetual 
teanfts. Perhaps the carpets are so rich and rare, that the sun's 
rays, piercing even through the smoke and fog of London, might 



[MARCH 27, 1869. 

cause their bright colours to fade, and then there must be new 
carpets. And new carpets here are a consideration ; for, mark you, 
this quarter knows not luxurious opulence. The residents here 
have their position, and will only surrender it with life ; while, during 
life, they will defend it at all points, with such weapons as studious, un- 
ostentatious economy can supply. Every dowager, every bachelor, 
every married pair in this quarter knows exactly, and to a fraction, 
what can be done for a shilling, and what can not. Position, they say 
here, is nine points of the law, and to keep it is the tenth. If you 
cannot give ten dinners in the season, and keep a brougham, then give 
two, and keep your brougham. If "at homes" or "drums" serve 
instead of dinners, and mean two horses instead of one, and the two 
are a necessity, then " at homes " and " drums " be it. A temporary 
illness, a bereavement (carefully announced,) in one season, will enable 
a dowager to let her house for the three months, deny herself for once, 
and pay for the painting and whitewashing which is inevitable in the 
spring of next year. Hitherto the denizens of this part have been 
somewhat exclusive in avoiding almost entirely any connection with 
Tybumia on the upper side. But this state has been some time 

Eassing away, and such dowagers as LADY DODO, finding a new prp- 
;ssion, as it were, open to them, do not hesitate to take payment in 
kind for leading and ruling in Tybornia, which they can now do 
without in any way damaging their position (indeed, sometimes they 
can improve it,) in their own Mayfairian sphere. The LADY DODOS 
find their account in taking up, from time to time, the MACAWS of 
Macaw, the SWALLOWS of One Summer Hill, and sueh-like ephemeral 

MB. MACAW doesn't call on LADY DODO, you understand, and say, 
"LADY DODO, here is five thousand pounds, introduce me into 
society : " but MB. MACAW is interested in certain mines, or railways, 
or companies, or something that will pay cent, per cent, at the least, 
and he advises LADY DODO to transfer her money so advantageously 
that for every hundred she received before, she would now receive 
two, and, moreover, ME. MACAW, to prove his confidence in his own 
speculation, offers to "hold her harmless," and does so. So LADY 
DODO " realises," and advertises MK. MACAW, and he finds his account 
in his generosity. And LADY DODO wants to bind him to her, and 
therefore takes his wife up, and introduces her ; and when Society 
once knows that this is MBS. MACAW, wife of MB. MACAW of Macaw, 
who can make your hundreds thousands, and your thousands millions, 
they answer her invitations in shoals, and the aristocratic Eagles, the 
Kings and Princes of Birds, wing their way to MACAW'S perch, and 
heartily feed with him. Ah ! what fine feathers the Macaws had for 
some seasons ! Then they moulted, and were pecked by all sorts of 
birds, and then thePrince Eagles left, disdaining the carcase around which 
they had gathered, and other Eagles (of the great Crooked Beak Tribe 
from the East) came and chaffered, and bartered, and sold, and bought, 
and pulled the nest to pieces, and there was an end of the MACAWS of 

" Ah ! " exclaimed LADY DODO, burying the MACAWS out of sight, 
and writing their epitaph once and for all, " I told him, from the first, 
that he was too rash." 

And all the above was information absolutely necessary to be given 
by the cicerone who accompanied DAWSON DORMOUSE to the DODO'S 
door (oh, vile alliteration ! but let it stand, as we did on the steps), 
where TOM PORCUPINE would have left, had it not been for our 
expressed wish that he should stop with us, and witness the trying 
interview. Eor we were not there to leave cards, but actually to visit 
in person LADY DODO. 

It was then we noticed the darkness of the house. Its eyelids were 
half closed in a sleepy, dreamy sort of way. I have suggested the 
carpets as a reason. PORCUPINE observed it was more likely to be 
" complexions," but in the midst of our discussion the door is opened 
noiselessly (I think it had been opened for some seconds before we 
discovered it), and STORK, the Butler, is ready to shut us in, and 
announce us to his lady. 

" What names shall he say P " 

We tell him what names he shall say : giving him three, from which 
he selects one, masters it, and gives it clearly in the drawing-room. 
The other two names STORK leaves to explain themselves. 

STORK is the butler for LADY DODO. Above the average height, 
thin, and of such an ascetic pallor, that the most uncharitable could not 
accuse him of undue liberties with her Ladyship's cellaret, even if he 
could get at it. But, bless him, LADY DODO is Butler over him, and 
he never met his master before his engagement here. 

STORK is noiseless and quick. He would in other and happier times 
have made an admirable executioner to the Vehmgerioht, or to any secret 
tribunal where an imposing appearance and great physical strength 
were less an object than secresy and despatch. (I suppose this is how 
they would have advertised for such an official.) 

bTORK has no words to throw away. His eye is quick : he knows 
when to nil, and how much to pour in. If you were staying in the 
house for only one night, you couldn't, on leaving, give him less than 
half-a-sovereign on any pretence whatever. If you have a reputation 
to keep up with LADY DODO, so you have with STORK 

If LADY DODO was (as she must have been) meant by nature to be a 
gentlewoman, then was STORK born to be an Aristocratic Butler. 
There are Nature's Noblemen : there are Nature's Butlers. Like 
clings to like ; money attracts money ; and a kindred aristocratic sym- 
pathy united STORK to LADY DODO. See him behind her Ladyship's 
chair. On my word, there is a family resemblance. Both are thin, 
both are pale, or both would be, had not LADY DODO the advantage of 
twenty years' seniority, and the excuse of her sex for the addition of 
the slightest soupfon possible of colour on her withered cheek, and of 
powder for filling up Time's furrows. STORK'S face has been furrowed 
too, but very neatly done, less indeed the work of Time's plough than 
of the Old Gentleman, as an artist, drawing carefully on wood, and 
leaving a great deal to be finished in a year or two. 

STORK is the sort of man who couldn't be a ghost ; or, if allowed to 
revisit this earth, like Hamlet' x father, he would be shaken hands with, 
and welcomed as the very STORK. He might tell them he was a 
ghost ; no one would believe him any more than we should now if he 
turned round upon us on the stairs, and announced such a fact. 

Eigure to yourselves, my readers, such an after-existence a ghost 
journeying to and fro over this earth, and never able to get any one to 
believe innim. Bah ! The Wandering Jew is nowhere by the side of 
such a romance. 

Say STORK dies ; STORK is buried on Tuesday ; STORK turns up on 
Wednesday night, just as you're going to bed. " Hullo, STORK," you 
say, not a bit frightened, " what do you want at this time eh ? " 

"I am a ghost," returns STORK, in sepulchral tones. Yo'i smile, 
and think how absurd it is for STORK to attempt to be funny. 

"Ob, by the way, STORK, as you are here, I 11 send a note by you to 
LADY DODO ; " and thereupon, down you sit to write the le* ,er 
probably something about a dinner-party. STORK sighs, and, while 
you are inditing your epistle, vanishes. You look up. He 13 gone. 

Queer fellow that STORK," you say. " Wrong in his head, I'm 
afraid. Pity. Capital servant." And you turn into bed. 

If STORK would, do this it would confer a great benefit on a society 
largely inclined to superstition, and would do more to ruin the whole 
fraternity of Ghosts and Spirits than all the sneers of all the sceptics 
that have ever existed. 

We are now coram LADY DODO, and STORK has retired. 

Now lest it should be inferred by impatient readers, that, of GOOSEY 
BARNDOOR and Miss IDA DKAKK they will hear no more, it behoves 
the writer to tell them that such inference is wrong, and, further, to 
refer them to MR. EDITOR PUNCH for his philosophic defiuitioi if the 
term Space, as applied to these columns. 

(To be Continued.) 


HAS a Judge the right to criticise in Court the verdict of a jury ? 
This question is suggested by what passed at a late trial at the 
Middlesex Sessions, when 

" The jury retired, and after great deliberation found the prisoner Not 

" MR. PAYNE. Not guilty, Gentlemen! Well, after that verdict there will 
be no protection for the public. If you believe the Prosecutrix, why, the 
prisoner is guilty. She swears positively to him, and says she had seen him 

" The FOREMAN. We were not satisfied with the identity, my Lord. 

" MK. PAYNE. Let the Prosecutrix stand up again." 

Trial by jury has been long regarded by many a British orator as one 
of the chief bulwarks of the British Constitution. But if Judges bring 
their juries into the Court's contempt, the moral strength of such a 
bulwark will be sensibly diminished. Perhaps in the above case the 
Judge may have been right and the jurymen all wrong, although the 
odds were twelve to one against that supposition. A Judge may charge 
a jury to the muzzle as he pleases, but, when their verdict is delivered, 
it is not his business again to open fire on them. It is his duty very 
often to pronounce a judgment on a prisoner, but he has no right to 
pronounce a judgment on a jury. 

A Step on the Safe Side. 

AT the boat-race to which all London went last Wednesday, for the 
first time no horsemen were allowed upon the towing-path. For the 
safety of the public we trust that this good precedent may be observed 
in future, and that the towing-path on match-days may only be the 
heel-and-toeing path. 


CAN any one doubt that there are faggot Members as well as faggot 
Voters, who thinks of the number of " Sticks " to be found in the 
House 'f 

CLEOPATRA'S NEEDLE-WORK. Getting the Pillar to England. 

APRIL 3, 18G9.] 




Employer (on his way to business on Monday morning). " AH, SAUNBERS ! I'M 

Sounders (repentant). " SHO I 'AD, SHIR, BUT (hie) 'TSH ALL ALONO o' THESH 


A LADIES' Club is said to be in process of formation. How the male mind shud- 
ders at this most tremendous news ! What a field for fearful questions the intelli- 
gence suggests ! Will there be a Club Committee ? and if so, at its meetings how 
many ladies' tongues will be allowed to speak at once ? Will there be a smoking- 
room ? And, if so, will cigars be suffered to be lighted, or will the fear of being ill 
restrain the ladies from indulgence in anything except the very mildest cigarettes? 
Will conversation be restricted to the politics of the nursery and the latest news 
in bonnets ; or what will be the limits sanctioned to recounters of a thrilling bit of 
scandal, or to narrators of a tale of love, or marriage, or divorce, which has just been 
set a- wagging in high life f Instead of billiards we presume the younger members 
will amuse themselves with tatting, while the elder are engaged in a fierce battle 
at B6zique. We would suggest that, if new members be elected by the ballot, 
it would be fitting that the votes should be signified by cotton balls. Of course no 
husband will be suffered to set his foot within the sacred threshold of the Club, 
but he may drive up to the door-step, and send word to his wife that the carriage 
is in waiting, when perhaps she may reply that he had better drive straight home, 
and let the children have their tea, and on no account wait dinner, as she probably 
will stay to take a chop with an old school-fellow, who has just come from the 
country, and wants to know a few of the best women of the Club. By the way, 
what a sensation would be caused on the street pavement, if the Club belles were 
to congregate about the Club beau-windows, and stare through their eye-glasses 
at every handsome man who passed ! 


Chatterers while 

there may doubtless be some little ducks desirous to belong to it. But we trust, 

however silly may be certain of its members, nobody will ever dream of calling it 

The Goose Club. 



AIR" Hie Vicar of Bray" 

I AM an old and sound divine, 

Amongst a few surviving 
Who still adhere to old port wine, 

To get it genuine striving. 
As much as 1 do find suffice, 

I go on drinking daily ; 
And this is always my advice : 

O stick to Port and I'ALEV ! 

When good port wine was, long ago, 

The Clergyman's potation, 
Church parties preached, both High and Low, 

And practised, moderation. 
But when from port they fell away, 

To my dissatisfaction, 
The Low Church rose, and had its day, 

And then ensued reaction. 

When eyes were bright that now are dim, 
And heels that halt went skipping ; 

Sim " 

The man at Cambridge called a 
Was noted tea for sipping ; 

At Oxford, whilst the other school, 
Thereat first ground then gaining, 

Applied themselves to live by rule, 
From their port wine abstaining. 

Had every one to port alone 

Continued still a true man, 
Tractarianism had never grown 

Of PUSET and of NEWMAN. 
No Ritualists had made a fuss 

Of vestments and of candles, 
Nor would that ass, IGNATIUS, 

Have sported frock and sandals. 

No Estayi and Rrrirui had seen 

The light, if such true nectar 
Their authors' constant drink had been 

As what once wanned each Rector. 
The liquor of Oporto's grape 

Had ne'er perverted men so : 
But lo it was exchanged for Cape ! 

And that inspired COLEXSO. 

Port wine would have kept Popery 

Within our Church a stranger ; 
And no occasion there would oe 

To cry " The Church in Danger ! " 
The Irish Branch intact had stayed, 

Establishment and treasure : 
Tis GLADSTONE'S claret that has made 

The way for GLADSTONE'S measure. 

Now England's Clergy, as of old, 

No more drink port, no wonder 
A first step taken you behold 

The Church and State to sunder. 
And port is getting scarce and dear. 

That Pair Fate will dissever, 
That wine will fail ; their end is near : 

They "11 last my time, however. 

Dunce Dunstan. 

" A man called DCNSTAN hu blown up the Tiilmon rock with 
powder." Timei. 

DUNSTAN, for sordid greed, or stupid spite, 
To bits the Tolmen, Cornwall's wonder, blows : 

The next time DUNSTAN and A Party fisht, 
O, may the pincers be on t' other nose ! 

Dialogue from Nepos. 

Sharp Boy. Yes, Uncle, I 'm out of my teens. 
''. W hy, you're not sixteen yet. 

Sharp Boy. Never said I was. But I 've got cloth clothes 
on now. 

t 'afle (brhind hii age). Well, what 's that got to do with it ? 

Sharp Boy. Why, I'm out of my celrel-tcfns. Give us 
sixpence, Uncle. \Kiil Uncle. 



[APRIL 3, 1869. 


PHIL 1 is not such an 
important day as the 
last great festival in 
the calendar, Feb- 
ruary It, and per- 
haps should rather be 
ranked with Michael- 
mas Day, the one 
being dedicated to 
fools, the other to 
geese ; but as its 
peculiar rites are still 
carefully observed 
alike in densely 
populated districts 
and sparsely peopled 
wapentakes, you will 
do wisely and well 
to consult ADAM 
SMITH, the learned 
BUSBEQUIUS, and the 
other Standard Au- 
thorities, so as to be 
able, if appealed to 
at the hospitable 
board or the polished 

round table, to trace back the origin of these ceremonies to the 
Hyperborean races who overran Antarctic Europe under ZENDAVESTA, 
ana planted their settlements and their salads on the shores of the 
Equator in the darkest ages. Then proceed to show, from the 
Morite, translated on foolscap from the Swiss the first thought of 
which occurred to him as he was sitting on the ruins of Carthage, 
listening to the hymn of the Marian monks at luncheon-time that the 
universality of folly is attested by the historical fact that all civilised 
nations, from the Pelasgi to the Pelargoniums, from the coasts of the 
Carpathian to the peaks of the Pocahontas, have set apart one day in 
the year for mutual stultification. (If in this learned disquisition some 
slight inaccuracies have crept in, in the quotation of authorities, &c., it 
must be attributed to the influence of the festival now in question, one 
which, if we were sporting characters, we should be inclined to call 
The Hoax Day.) 

Yon will find plenty more to talk about on this day. First,"qnote a 
few words from JEREMY BENTHAM'S Salmonia in explanation of 
poissons d'Avril. Then, and you must not be surprised it your state- 
ment causes some astonishment, announce that MR. GLADSTONE, out 
of respect for MR. WALPOLE'S feelings, and impressed by LORD 
GEORGE HAMILTON'S mature convictions, has written to MR. DIS- 
RAELI, offering to withdraw the Irish Church Bill, and to substitute 
a measure, enabling all the Hibernian Bishops to have seats in the 
House of Lords, and making attendance at the services of the Esta- 
blished Church compulsory, at least four times a year, on every one 
who contributes to the Grand Jury Cess. (It is understood at the 
Clubs and drinking fountains, that in return for this courteous be- 
haviour, MR. WARD HUNT has engaged to abstain from demolishing 
MR. LOWE'S Budget, and that SIR JOHN PAKINGTON and MR. MOW- 
BRAT have relieved MR. BRIGHT of a source of much uneasiness, by 
promising, in the handsomest manner, never to follow him in debate.) 

You will gratify those of your hearers who are Conservatives by 
assuring them that the DUKE or MAHLBOROUGH has consented to 
introduce in the Upper House (by way of giving " Peers, Idle Peers," 
something to do) a Bill for the abolition of Primogeniture early in the 
spring of 1870. 

Military men will be interested to hear that H.R.II. the DUKE OF 
CAMBRIDGE has decided to resign the command of the Army to MR. 
CARDWELL, who will immediately oe made a Field Marshal, with rations 
for four aides-de-camp, and the usual allowance for forage ; and if a 
Naval officer is present, he wijl grasp your hand with emotion on being 
told that in future no sailor will pe allowed to enter the Queen's Service 
without passing the Civil Service Examination, and that any seaman 
will have ginger-beer served out to him instead of rum, on commu- 
nicating his wishes to that effect (in writing) to the Port Admiral. 

To a right-minded Ritualist the announcement that LORD SIIAFTES- 
BURT is to be at the head of a Commission charged with the duty of 
removing from pur churches all ornaments, vessels, and vestments 
which were not in use in the time of KING EDWARD THE CONFESSOR. 
will be most consolatory ; and you will diffuse happiness all around 
you by reading a letter from the Cape, with the happy news that 
COLENSO and MACRORIE have been induced by a common friend, a 
Wesleyan missionary, to shake hands, dine at his table, and sing duets 
together at a Penny Reading, numerously and respectably attended by 
the delighted Caffres. 



IT was settled by LADY DODO, on. behalf of MRS. MACAW, at our 
interview, that we were all to do our best to assist, in the theatricals 
which were to be given at the MACAWS' house. TOM PORCUPINE was 
to be Stage Manager, and to draw out the programme, which was to 
consist of an operetta and a farce. In the course of the evening PAUL 
PARROT was to give his imitations, WAGG was to amuse the people 
and make himself generally useful, ALF POODEL was to play in the farce 
with TED NIPPER, who was also to sing the funny part in the operetta 

MR. RATTELS NAYKE was cast, of course, for the tenor, with MRS. 
BYRDE as his soprano to be made love to. Miss KATE CHESSER was 
to be in the farce, and both Miss LAMBKIN and Miss GAZELLE in the 
operetta. DORMOUSE was to play an elderly gentleman, and after it was 
arranged what everyone should play, the important question started by 
MR. KYNG FYSCHER, whose operetta it was, arose as to who should 
play the piano. MRS. BYRDE couldn't, and wouldn't ; she couldn't 
act, sing, and play too. That was evident the other young ladies said 
the same. -A professional pianist was all very well for a quadrille, or 
dancing generally, when he could take his sherry and sandwiches, and 
play mechanically in a corner for hours together, with his eyes shut. 
But to accompany singing, to "humonr the voices," said KYXG 
FYSCHER, "that's another thing." 

" Would he do it, then," asked LADY DODO, a suggestion which was 
firmly, but civilly declined. 

Here DORMOUSE put in a word. (By the way, he had brought 
GOOSEY as one of his " clever friends who was first-rate in anything of 
the sort," and who had consequently been set down for Mr. Augustus 
de Montmorency in the farce, and a remorseful Bandit in the operetta.) 
DORMOUSE said that the Governess at his father's house was just 
the very person would do it, to oblige, with pleasure ; and, in fact, 
so lauded her, that he nearly roused even Mus. MACAW'S suspicions ; 
and as for LADY DODO, she placed her old hand on his, and said, with 
an approving smile, " You shall bring her then, my dear, to rehearsals. 
What is her name P " Whereupon IDA DRAKE was mentioned, and 
LADY DODO goodnaturedly affected to remember a DRAKE family in 
Leicestershire, " to a branch of which," said her Ladyship, " the young 
lady probably belongs." Now this was not given out purposelessly, 
but as a hint to MRS. MACAW as to how she was to comport herself 
towards the young person, who was such a Godsend, you know, at the 
piano. At these rehearsals, then, it will be at once seen that M R. GOOSEY 
BARNDOOR, being very strict and punctual in his attendance (for had 
he not two mighty difficult parts to perform ?) was continually meeting 
j Miss IDA. There was a song for the remorseful Bandit, I remember, 
' when he falls in love with the Seconda Donna (whom he had been paid 
to waylay, and did ; paid also to murder, and didn't), and sings, " Ah, 
thine eyes ! They teach me how to love ! " which GOOSEY was for 
ever trying over to Miss DRAKE'S accpmpaniment, in order, as he said, 
to master the true expression of feeling, which the words (words by 
ALF POODEL) were intended to convey. 

MR. BYRDE, a quiet elderly gentleman from the City, about fifteen 
years, at least, MRS. BYRDE'S senior, accepted the office of Prompter, 
as LADY DODO had previously arranged with MRS. MACAW. But as 
the rehearsals were very seldom fixed for an hour when he could 
" attend in his place," the prompting was done by different people at 
different times ; and MR. BYRDE coming once to a night rehearsal, fell 
asleep at the fifth page and fourth hour of the operetta, and snored 
loudly during the great duett, for which he was very properly reproved 
by his wife. He did not fill the post again nntil the night of perform- 
ance, when, as might have been expected, he knew rather less of the 
pieces, and where the actors were likely to " stick," than he would 
have, perhaps, of the first verb in a Hebrew Grammar, had he been 
asked to conjugate ; " a task," as POODEL would say, " which he would 
at once decline." (If POODEL had said this, WAGG would have taken 
off his hat respectfully, and explained to the bystanders that he always 
" saluted such very old friends as POODEL was fond of introducing." 
Whereat ALF POODEL would smile, abashed, not daring to show his 
annoyance, lest he should only expose himself to some more cruel blow 
at the hands of the merciless WAGG.) 

I recollect some advertisement to the effect that " No breakfast-table 
complete without somebody's celebrated something or other," I forget 
what ; but this is the formula which I would use as applicable to almost 
all the amateurs above mentioned : specially NIPPER. If, as you re- 
member, a place at a dinner-party is vacant, send for KOCKY ROBBINS : 
if you want to start theatricals, send for NIPPER. If, however, you want 
your entertainment to be as near perfection as possible, don't rely upon 
NIPPER'S recommendations for your other performers. 

The charity existing among professionals for one another, is pro- 

3, 1869.] 



verbial. They get their bread by the stage ; and a funny man, or a 
tragic man, rnuy be robbed by a funnier or a more tragic man of his 
crumbs. A Droll may be at the top of the tree ; still there is the tree 
below him, and a Droller than he may climb up, and displace him, 
whereby the Droll's income is considerably diminished, and MH*. 
DROLL, will have to pinch, and the little DKOLLS not be able to go to 
school next half. So you see one is not very much surprised if a pro- 
fessionally comic, or tragic, man speak disparagingly of las fellow crafts- 
man ; that is, if the latter be rising, and with more than probable chances 
of ultimate success in his favour. But it is remarkable that one should 
find precisely the same kind of charity and good feeling among the 
amateurs of any art notably, however, of the dramatic. Ob, heaven ! 
how these Christians do love one another ! " cries TOM I , after 

discussing, in his character of Stage Manager, the question of who 
was to be who at Mus. MACAW'S theatricals. "It's Bottom all over 
again, Snuy the Joiner, and all the rest of 'em," says TOM, " SHAKES- 
PEARE must luive begun as an amateur, or he 'd never have known so 
much about it." 

And indeed NIPPER, eminently comic, no sooner hears of the 
Heavy Father who has some tender and pathetic speeches in the piece, 
than he immediately wants to throw up the i'unny Waiter's part (who 
hides in a box, you know) and take that of old Martin Graylocks. 

He is again unsettled on reading the Villain's part (which was 
originally played by the great tragedian GROWLER when he was a 
younger man), and he can't help observing that he should like to have 
played that. TOM PORCUPINE, however, fixes him in the Comic 
Waiter. "Hang it!" says NIPPER, "I'm always a Comic Waiter." 
But he knows, the sly dog. that it is the part in the piece, and that having 
seen Buczsron in it lil'iccn limes at least,, he can, without troubling 
his originality, reproduce the chief points of that excellent comedian's 
performance, " without their being recognised," as that satiric WAGS 
whispers in an aside to MRS. BYRDE. W AGO is not asked to act, but 
drops in at rehearsals, as amicus curia, and a precious nuisance he is. 

Miss CATTEIUNE CHESSER is a handsome young lady somewhat 
resembling the character of Mr. William. Taylor, drawn in that cele- 
brated ballad as being 

" Full of mirth and full of spree," 

provided always, that "spree" is understood as never passing the 
bounds of propriety. Miss CHESSER'S only chaperon is her theatrical 
reputation : it guards her everywhere, it travels with her all over 
England. Her parents may thank Heaven that, so to speak, the Comic 
Muse has stood godmother to their CATHERINE, and has provided for 
her for life. She is as full of engagements as a Professional Star. 
" She is so goodnatured : she is so useful : she is so clever," say the 
matrons who get up these parties, and at whose houses Miss CHESSER 
is a great attraction. In fact, though they cannot exactly advertise in 
print, yet the MRS. MACAWS of society will be careful to get it well put 
about that Miss CIIESSER is going to play, and then there is a rush of 
the best young men of her following. 

Miss CUESSER has a really strong appreciation of humour tempered 
by a woman's gentleness. Thus NIPPER, as a perpetual Droll, sends 
her off " into tits," as she expresses it, when he only asks for the salt, 
or offers his opinion on the probable weather of the day after to-morrow. 
But she gives no more than a smile to WAGG'S repartees, while of Ton 
PORCUPINE'S sarcasms she is simply afraid ; but then TOM mill force a 
satirical meaning (as I have shown already) into everything, and as 
Miss CHESSEK will "roar" and "scream" at NIPPER'S, or even ALF 
POODEL'S saying " How d'ye do?" so she will " be sure MR. PORCU- 
PINE means something satirical" when TOM salutes her with precisely 
the same words. If there is one thing above another she enjoys, it is a 
Rehearsal. NIPPER comes on in the character, not in the dress. He 
says his first line, and gives his queer look out of the corners of his 
eyes at Miss CIIESSER, who is the Chambermaid. Safe laugh, that 
queer look. 

"Ohdon'lf MR. NIPPER," she cries, struggling with almost irre- 
pressible laughter, and utterly unable to proceed with her words. 

" What is it, Miss CIIESSER ? " inquires that dog NIPPER, pretending 
tO ( be perfectly unconscious of his comic power, and doing it again. 

" I shall tierer be able to go on," says the young lady, whereat 
NIPPER, still feigning ignorance of the cause, becomes funnier than 

" I know I should scream if I was in front when you were acting," 
she says; at which avowal NIPPER smiles deprecatingly, but on con- 
sidering the matter over, going home, acknowledges to himself that it 
is wonderful what a comic power he has, and lor ! what a fortune he 
would have made on the stage. 

" My sister says," Miss CIIESSER tells NIPPER, " that when you 
came on with that red wig the other night at the Fan*, she ikrieM." 
NIPPER is delighted to hear it, though again he only smiles depre- 
catingly, as much as to say, " Oh, dear no. I 'm sure 'tisn't so 
eery luiiuy only you're good enough to say so" and thereby he 
gets, with some folks, a reputation for modesty. 

By the way, when Miss CIIESSER tells him that her sister "shrieked" 
and she "screamed," she only means to convey her idea of being 
immensely amused, and laughing most heartily. 

And both the CHESSER (rirls can do this, and are not simperers like 

the Miss RABBITS, who snigger behind their pocket-handkerchiefs, or 

smile, and then look round to see if any one else is smiling too, as 

though your witticism was something of a dubiously proper character. 

(To lie Continued.) 


Eli-- I'r.vui, 

i MO been a pick 
pocket almost from my 
birth I may call myself a 
member of the criminal per- 
suasion, tho I calls myself 
a cobler when I'm brort 
before the Beak. As sich, 
I feels a natrsi hintrest in 
the progress of the bill for 
putting down abittual cri- 
minals, and shutting up the 
shops of them as deals in 
stolen goods. Well, all as 
I can say is if you shut up 
the receeivers you '11 soon 
shut up the thieves, for as 
I lays to CHARLEY CLY- 
/AKIR what's the good 
o* prigging tickers when 
there ' nobody to sell 'em 
to ? We shovellers of in- 
dustry,* as our lively 
neighbours calls us, in 
course must find that 
clyfaking is all a waste of 
labour, when there ain't 
no market open where we 
can sell the swag. To us old prigs it seems a pity our indoostry should 
be wasted, and all our skill and science which has cost us so much trouble 
be found of no more use. But I spose we must regard ourselves as 
wictims of Society, and if Society have only the pluck to get the steam 
up, I shouldn't be surprised at the fulfilment of a prophecy I lately saw 
in print 

" Fire yean of correct legislation, capable administration and adequate ex- 
penditure, and crime as a profession might be extinguished in Great Britain." 

To pass a law to take a cove's bread out of his mouth aint what 1 
consider as "correct legislation." But we pore martyrs must submit 
to be extinguished if Societv insists, and I 'm doubtful if Society will 
give us compensation, though rogues as bad as we have ad it afore now. 
But while Society's about it, there are other thieves than us pore prigs 
as ort to be looked artcr. Pray, aint there thieves in bubble companies 
who prey upon the public quite as much as we do? Aint there habitual 
criminals in the money-lending line, whom Society would do well to 
put under surveillance ? Aint there rogues in grain who adulterate 
their bread, or put poison in their beer, and rob people of their health 
as well as of their money P Aint there rogues who rig the market and 
trade upon a panic, and care nothing for the widows and the orphans 
whom they ruin ? Aint there fraudulent directors, and fraudulent 
trustees, and fraudulent tradesmen, who buy their goods from fraudu- 
lent bankrupts, or who swindle poor folks by selling them ? Afore you 
brags of the " hextinction of crime " by act of parliament, yon must hit 
upon a plan for extinguishing sich criminals like them as I ave named. 
Why shouldn't money-lending swindlers and rogues who sell short 
measure have a ticket o' leave given 'em, arter proof of first offence, 
the same as prigs and burglars who have served their time in quod ? 
They are all habitual criminals every bit as much as me and CHARLEY 
CLYFAKER, and if Society 's in earnest about the crushing out of crime 
it ort to set the crushers on the criminals I 've mentioned, as well as 
on pore pickpockets like Yours truly, PETES PJUGGINS. 

Query Chti-alitrt flnduttrit. 

Papal Toys. 

AMONG " Notes from Rome " in the Pall Mall Qazttte, it is stated 
that " CARDINAL MATHIEU, Archbishop of Besancon, has lately brought 
to Rome a considerable number of breech-loaders as a present 
Pontifical Government." Of course these breech-loaders are mere 
playthings. A Pius could have as little use for any other as an 
INNOCENT. We all recollect the original breech-loader of our early 
childhood. And Papa's breech-loaders, of course, are only Pope-guns. 

A LIGHT EMPLOYMENT. Cleaning windows. 



[APRIL 3, 1869. 



[The Hostess cannot help speculating on what the learned Doctor's appearance must be when he has not taken Oie trouble to put on evening dress. 


(By a Casual Contributor.) 

1. The Perverse Mouse. One evening a young lady was playing a 
waltz on the piano when a small mouse came out of a hole near the 
grate, and danced a polka. Not being in the least alarmed, the young 
lady played a polka.init the mouse immediately danced a waltz. On 
her discontinuing, th mouse retired and was never seen again. 

2. Sagacity in Whales. In the North the winter is a hard season for 
whales, which can barely obtain a subsistence. A sailor once saw a 
whale spouting." Being observed, the monster dived suddenly, and 
the sailor vainly searched for the ticket. It is supposed that it must 
have been taken with him. 

3. The Bashful Cat. A cat once being alone with a fiddle, played 
three tunes on it beautifully. Seeing a stranger, however, listening, 
she laid it down, and would never, for any amount of coaxing, take it 
up again. 

4. The Bullfinch. The Bullfinch is a cross between a Bull and a 
Finch. There is more of the Finch in it than the Bull, and some 
naturalists have entertained the opinion that, if killed at a proper season, 
it would furnish a small family with very excellent beef. 

5. The Butterfly. A similar observation (to the above) may be made 
in the case of the Butterfly. They are excellent substitutes for cows, 
as their name implies, and no dairy should ever be without a good 
supply of this delicate and useful insect. 

6. The Modest Centipede. A Centipede was lately seen entering a 
tailor's shop. It was reported that it ordered fifty pairs of light 
summer trousers. The prevalent belief is that the Modest Insect had 
been much affected by the Lord Chamberlain's edict about lengthening 
the ballet-dresses. We cannot, however, vouch for the exact truth of 
the story. 

7. The Arithmetical Snake. A Countryman was one day much 
alarmed at hearing a snake doing a sum. On examining the reptile 
cautiously, it proved to be an Adder. This, it should be noted, took 
place in Summer. 


IN a right sensible address to his clergy, the Most Reverend the 
ARCHBISHOP OF YORK, touching a matter in controversy, whereon some- 
what hath been unduly drawn from the late judgment of the Privy 
Council, well saith : 

" But this was never argued before the court ; -which would have had, 
before deciding it, to consider on which side is ' before the table,' since that 
another rubric leaves the precise position of the table undefined ; also whether 
' before the table ' means more than ' at the table. 1 " 

Truly a man may stand before a chair, because if he stand on the 
other side thereof, he shall stand behind it ; but he cannot stand behind 
a table, for a table, look you, hath no back. Every man who is at a 
table needs must have the table before him, whether it be round, or 
square, or oblong, mark you that. The Chairman at a dinner sitteth 
before the table, and so doth the vice ; so do the company sit likewise 
on either hand. You shall stand, indeed, before a table as to your 
beholders if you stand between it and them, and that alike whether you 
stand with your back to the table or to the beholders. Go to, then. 
An you be at a table, and not before the table, then must you be either 
on the table or else under the table, where, my masters, may none of 
you ever be found. Save you, Sirs ; joy be with you : and so farewell. 

To Sportsmen and Others. 

MOTTO for the new " Ulster " over-coats Ne Plus Ulster ; i. e. an 
Ulster beyond the knee. 




FOR 568 

AG-T 2.50 



APRIL 3, I860.] 




WHITING of Ireland in 1619, great THOMAS CAELYLE with " To 

for the few ? The present condition of things was alterable. " We can 
alter it," concluded M K. LOWE, " and we will" 

MR. GREENE, on the other side, made some fun until the adjourn- 
ment. He did not want a division, as only 30 oat of 058 Members had 

those who think that a land over-run with Sanguinary Quacks can be spo ken 

healed by sprinkling it with rose-water, these OLIVER CROMWELL ' 

letters must be very terrible indeed. But in OLIVER'S time men had a ' Tueiday. MR. WALPOLE opened the fourth and 'last night. He 

notion that the difference between Good and Evil was still considerable. ' spoke, as ever, like a thoughtful man. desirous to convince. Hi best 

It was a true notion. Only in late decadent generations, fast hasten- point was, that voluntaryism would fail to support religion as it had 

ing towards Radical Change, or final perdition, can such indiscriminate failed to support education. 

mashing np of Good and Evil into one universal patent-treacle, and SIR HENRY BULWER thought that we ought to alter the Act of 

most unmedical electuary, of ROUSSEAU sentimentalism, universal Pardon Union, because Ireland had altered from what is was when that Act 

and Benevolence, with dinner and drink and one cheer more, take was passed. 

effect in our earth. Electuary very poisonous as sweet as it is. and MR. VERNER had a panacea of his own for Irish discontent. Let 

very nauseous, of which OLIVER, happier than we. had not heard the ' the Church alone, abolish the LORD LIEUTENANT, and let the PRINCE 

slightest intimation even in dreams. With which ominous prologue OF WALES go to Ireland and represent the QUEEN. 

our great THOMAS proceeds to show how the Irish massacres of several LORD GEORGE HAMILTON made a smart maiden speech in behalf of 

score thousand Protestants were reasonably well recognised at the Church. 

Droglieda, Wexford. and elsewhere, abiding memories of the just ven- .But the grand event of the nisfht was the oration of MR. HARDT, 

.LSI vsgiiijvin, ?? VJAIUIVI. cuiu UUTVTTUUJV. uusiuiu^, 

geance of a tremendous great Englishman. 

vlio, to do him justice, " did all Le knew " for his party. He pitched 

Let us cast rose-water out at the window, and for the moment let away all notions of compromise and conciliation, and let drive, right 
us believe in something else than " final perdition," and try our and left, at the BilL against which he meant to fight to the last. The 
THOMAS'S alternative. Radical Change. Of a verity, brethren, the Church was part of the Imperial establishment, and a recognition of 
division on this Irish Church Bill rang out note of such change to him the supremacy of the Almighty. She has done, and was doing a great 
that hath ears to hear. A majority of this size means something, or ! work, and the State had no right to touch her. A for the Government, 

there is no meaning in this terrene sphere. 
The numbers are worth conserving. 
Voted for Second Beading of Bill 

Liberals . . 

Voted against same 


Fairs . 
Absent . 
Vacant Seats 









In which numbers, saith the leading journal, may be seen the Death- 
hurch. And it is difficult to say w" 
Let us hope that Content and Lo; 

j .olved. Anyhow, we do justice to t , . 

ought not to be necessary that in any future time we do justice on 8 

thRm Or.TVF* fashion nr ntherwise n V lA \! towards the dawn, 

t hey wen afraid of the Fenians, whom they were releasing in droves, 
ana few, not policy, was the reason why this Bill was brought in. 
MR. HARDT fought in the most fearless and defiant manner, with a 
fluency that often rote to eloquence, and ended with a solemn denun- 
ciation of what he termed Sacrilege. He took all the Conservative 
honours of the debate, and the House rang and rang again with the 
shouting of the delighted party. 

The PREMIER finished the debate. He charged MR. HARDT with 
" bringing an indictment against a nation." and with endangering the 
Union by alienating the nations. Remedies for Irish discontent must 
be introduced piecemeal, and Government had begun with the Church. 
The Opposition had proposed no scheme, except that of " levelling 
np," and this the country would not tolerate. MR. GLADSTONE had 
not much difficulty in dealing with the tempestuous rhetoric of MR. 
HARDT, bat Mr. Punch has heard him to more advantage than in his 
reply to SIR ROUNDKLL PALMER the fact is, the men are of kindred 
minds, and MR. GLADSTONE wanted much more time to enable him to 
deal with his friend's distinction, and subtleties. He "fed, that in 

Blow of the Irish Church. And it is difficult to say what else can be a ' s " "' 

discerned therein. Let us hope that Content and Loyaltv in Ireland n t sent ' n to Ihsest shrnent fi HJTOBLL had given up the 

may hereafter be evolved. Anyhow, we do justice to the Irish, and it , ^ P ortl . on of the argument. But the battle .was over, and MR. GLAD- 

them, OLIVER fashion, or otherwise. 
Having thus risen to the level of the occasion, Mr. Punch subsides 

to that of mortals, and briefly notes the incidents of the third and 
fourth nights of debate. 

after an effective allusion to the clock which was moving 
towards the dawn, " so are rapidly flowing oat the jean and 
months and days which remain to the existence of the Irish Estab- 
i;<>i..w4 r<k M k >> :*i *i.i ; M. f n t. A ;*._.* ft .11 tk. *K;. 

lished Church,'' said that it was for the interest of all that this 
establishment should not be kept in a prolonged agony and struggle. 
The judgments that had been given on this question could never be 

Monday. There was more interest about the first speech of this recalled. " To-night, another stroke will be struck in the tame cause. 
night than about any other. For it was delivered by the learned I will not intercept it for a single moment more." 
SIR ROUNDELL PALMER, who, but for his inability to concur with the The rest has been told, and the House rose until the First of April. 
Ministry in this Bill, would have been MR. GLADSTONE'S Lord Chan- Mr. Punch has now his innings. He begs to state that he nates 
cellor, or Attorney-General, as Sin ROUNDELL might- have pleased. He ' these important debates. They may be all very necessary to the well- 
could go but a certain distance with Ministers. He would Disestablish, i being of the country, to the Crown, and the Altar, and all that is 
and he would even Disendow to an extent for expediency's sake, pro- 1 grand, but they interfere detestably with that other enormous institu- 
bably to that of some half of the property of tlie Church. But the ! tion, the Essence of Parliament. They do not admit of Rabelaisian 
State had no right to take the property of a part of the community for j treatment, and you can't play leap-frog over mountains. There is a 
the benefit of the whole, except on a ground of forfeiture. But he comic side to everything, for fools, but then Mr. Punch is not a fool. 

should try to mend the Bill in committee, and he advised the Conser- 
vatives to accept the wrong like men and patriotic citizens. 

The SOLICITOR-GENERAL objectionably said the second-hand taunt 
has been disavowed by his partizans that SIR ROUNDBLL PALMER 
had brought the question into Chancery. It must be taken as a whoje. 
He was more fortunate in his general argument, and eloquent at its 

MR. HENRY RICIIAUD, Welsh Dissenter, begged leave to comfort 
those who were afraid that religion would not thrive under the Volun- 

You don't dance to the sound of a church-organ, even when it is being 

E laved for the last time before being taken down. In this spirit he 
as spared the small folks on both sides who introduced the element of 
grotesque into a great debate. But he must draw the line somewhere, 
and he proposes to draw it at a Second Reading. Accepting MR. 
GREENE'S hint that there were 65S Members, or so, who mean to 
speak, he warns about 600 of them that they had better not. The 
respect which he has chosen to manifest for the House will not actuate 
him towards a Committee. If he sees any First of April work on that 

tary system. The greater part of the religious service in Wales was ! date or after it, he intends to mention it in a way which will be remem- 
provided by voluntaryism. It is due to an educated clergy that v 
Jllr. Punch should add, that though the dissenting teachers in Wales 
are mostly very good men, and supplv food wliich satisfies their flocks, 
they can in that sense only be called Pastors. 

LORD CLAUDE HAMILTON fired off a thunderous volley of hard words 
at the Bill, and the House laughed. 

MX. LOWE, Chancellor of the Exchequer, commented on MR. DIS- 
RAELI'S speech, and warned young Members that he could do much 
better things than that if he liked. Nobody could reason with more 
closeness and force, if he chose, but on this occasion he had not chosen. 
The Irish Church had not fulfilled its mission. The State was no 
Trustee. It would not do to establish such a powerful Corporation as 
the Church would be, if left, as SIR ROUNDELL PALMER desired, with 

half its revenues and no State control. The laity had no vested interest 
in the maintenance of the Church. Were or were not the many made 

bered. With this gentle hint, he dismisses Parliament for the Easter 

At Least. 

BABIES may come, and passing-bells may clang 
In Lent ; but Marry Not," your priest insists : 

His superstition lacks all Pagan twang, 
MOKS and LVCIXA are no Ritualists. 

A Puzzle. 

MENTION was lately made in the House of tlie " Cadastral Survey." 
What is this ? The only Cad-astral Survey we can think of is, when 
an omnibus conductor looks up to see whether the stars are out. 



[APRIL 3, 1869. 







AMONG the arts cultivated in the Republic which we 
have had proposed to us as a political and social model, 
there is one that might be called the art of adulteration, 
only that it is more than that. Adulteration is the admix- 
ture of rubbish with genuine goods. The American art 
which transcends it is the simple substitution of sham for 
reality. Its first recorded fruits were wooden nutmegs, 
and now, according to the British Medical Journal, we are 
actually instructed by one of its learned professors at a 
scientific Institute : 

" How TO MAKE CLARET. At the meeting of the Polytechnic 
Association of the American Institute on the 7th of January, 
during a discussion on the adulteration of wines, DR. VAN DER 
WEYDE is reported by the Chemical News to have described a 
mode of making claret, viz., by allowing water to soak through 
shavings, and adding thereto a certain proportion of logwood 
and tartaric acid. This produced a wine hardly to be distin- 
guished in flavour and colour from claret." 

An eminent statesman has declared his belief that adul- 
teration is very little practised in. England. Need he have 
been ashamed to acknowledge the fact that it is very 
largely practised indeed ? He glories in the idea that we 
are Americanising all of our institutions. Suppose we also 
Americanise our commodities. We shall then go beyond 
merely adulterating them. Adulteration will be no longer 
our national reproach. Our national boast will be Ameri- 

Wants Correcting. 

THE Liberty of the Press is great in America, but the 
liberties of the Press there are still greater, as taken by 
that type of American publishers who make a profit out 
of the brains of English writers, by reprinting their works 
without first obtaining the sanction of the authors, or 
afterwards sending them a cheque. 


accede to a request from the Meteorological Society of 
Scotland for a slice of the grant made by Parliament to 
the Royal Society. ME. LOWE is weather-wise. He 
evidently thinks the Society ought to raise the wind for 

ENTITLED " Fettered." The Siamese Twins. 



(A Flash ! a Dash ! and an Appeal !) 

AT Five o'clock precisely, or if not precisely, thereabouts, an Idea 
struck me a grand, a glorious, a splendid Idea. 

It was the thing. It was what I nad seen long ago would make my 
fortune. I jumped from my chair and said, "By Jove, that's it ! " 

I saw how to carry it out, clearly. In a second everything connected 
with the Idea flashed before my mind's eye, as we hear a drowning 
man views a panorama of his entire past fife in an inappreciable frac- 
tion of time. 

I paced my room I looked out of the window it must be done 
at once. No time must be lost. Paper, pens, ink ; meet it is I set 
it down. 

A large sheet before me, pen in hand, ink by my' side, blotting-paper 
in its place Now. 

A wave of the pen, a word on the paper. That is not the way to 
express my Idea scratch it out. 

Pause : my Idea must be memorandum'd at once. But how? 

Heavens ! have I an Idea that won't po on paper? It must it shall! 

Another word. My hand moves unwillingly, my thoughts will not 
direct it ; my grip is firm on the pen my will is iron. Words will 
come, yes, they do come, but none express my Idea. 

Am I to lose a fortune, hundreds, thousands, millions, perhaps, 
because I can't fix this Idea and develope it on paper ? 

Stay, let me think it out, and then develope it. My long German 
pipe, my arm chair ; outof the draughts and comfortably before the fire. 

The days are drawing out, but duskiness creeps on apace. * * 

I have sat for two hours with my Idea. At least, I think, with my 
Idea. There are difficulties in the way of carrying out my Idea. 

What they are I don't know, but they are insuperable I feel they are 

Other Ideas have started up. Little Ideas buzzing about the great 
one, and worrying it. Or, the Idea itself has split up into these little 
ideas which is it ? I resolve to come to it fresh to-morrow, and work 
it out. 

To-morrow. I look at a large piece of paper lying on my study table, 
with heavy-handed words scored through and through. It is headed, 
by way of memorandum, " A Great Idea "then follow date and hour. 

I ruminate What was it? 

I know from my memorandum that it was a Great Idea, but What 
was it ? 

Was it in Music ? or in Politics ? or to do with Literature ? or with 
Marriage ? or Law ? or Physic ? or What ? 

My memory tells me generally that it was something great some- 
thing immense that my future fortune hung upon it. If I could only 
find out what led up to it ? Of what was 1 thinking before the Great 
Idea struck me ? I don't know, I have no clue. 

If anyone can help me, I should feel personally obliged to them. 
Imagine the situation : in my own room, before the fire, with a pipe, in 
a dressing-gown, looking at the coals, slippers on (red and black), 
hands cold, feet cold, head warm, leaning Back in arm-chair, a little 
drowsy, no noise, no distraction, sunset outside (but nothing to do 
with me, that hasn't), and an arm-chair with nobody in it opposite side 
of the rug. There 's the picture : in this position I was struck by 
the Great Idea. 

If any one of your numerous readers will give me his notion on the 
subject, I shall be for ever grateful. Any suggestion might recover the 
Lost Idea. An Imaginative Pollaky would be useful here. Establish 
an office for Lost Ideas. No, that wasn't the Grand and Great Idea ; 
nor, I am sure, was it anything like it. 

Should I know it again, if I heard it ? Ye - - es, ye - - es, I th-i-nk so. 

APRIL 3, 1869.] 




try do try, somebody, and you shall have twelve-and-a-half per 

_j. of whatever 1 make by it -that's business. Now, What wot it? 

N.B. Imagine what important discovery may be lost to the world 
if my Grind lilr.-i is not found '. ! 

WARNING : IMPORTANT TO ALL. Anyone during the next Month 
hitting upon a limit ll<-n, anywhere, will understand from thu that IT 
is MINE ; and he is hereby advised, on pain of prosecution, to send tt to 
ME, under cover to the Editor of " Punch," Punch Office. 

** An acknowledgment will be published in our next issue of 
Flash Notes. BANQUO. 


lYxcn has groaned o'er (lie Black Country's gloom, 

That from body lias gathered to soul. 
Has spoken his mind of it plainly, 

lias sharply been called o'er its coal. 
But he owes the Black Country a lesson, 

That from depth of its darkness is given, 
Of trust in the goodness of God, 

And the love of our 1'ather in Heaven. 

As they toiled in the deep-driven mine, 
Came the rush and the roar far away, 

That told the pent waters were loosed. 
And the black flood 'twixt them and the day. 

Thick and thicker the air to the breath- 
Dim and dimmer the lights to the eye 

High and higher the wave at their foot 
Choice of death, but no choice save to die ! 

Slowly dragged the dull hours, as they sat 

Huddled close by the lip of the flood, 
As light after light dimm'd and died. 

And the cold crept and crept on their blood. 
'Twas at five, Wednesday night the flood came, 

Their last light died next morn before seven, 
And up-spoke STEPHEN PAGE in the dark, 

" Lads, our lights are not put out in Heaven." 

They have prayed, as men pray, from whom hope, 

Save in God and his goodness, is fled ; 
Written farewells to children and wives, 

To be found, when Earth gives up her dead. 
Calm they wait God's good time, all save one, 

In whom suffering, o'er manhood had sway, 
Till in darkne-ss without and within, 

That crazed life ebbed in ravings away. 

Fouler still grew the air: quickened breath, 

In the darkness, with labour they drew. 
With their mouths to the face of the flood, 

Where a thin pulse of sweet air came through. 
And they knew by the faintly heard clank 

That the pumps were at work night and day, 
And cold hands felt the ranged coals, that told 

How the flood, inch by inch, ebbed away ! 

1 noli by inch, hour by hour ! It was hard 

Of those ebbs which would win to divine; 
That of life's stream, in slowly dulled veins. 

That of death's stream, in slowly drained mine. 
Inch by inch : hour by hour : hunger gnawed, 

Men who had, gave to boys who had none ; 
There is little to give ; it is given. 

Eat the candles : the candles are done. 

Inch by inch, hour by hour ! Weary day 

Undistinguished draws on weary night ; 
Failing fingers, by touch of the hands, 

Read the watch-face denied to the sight. 
But still each pump-stroke drives a breat h 

With strengthening and hopefulness rife, 
And they thank God to think now the tank 

That draws off death, bringeth down life. 

Incb by inch, hour by hour ! Night and day 

By tneir reckoning have five times gone round ; 
Still with crowds that watch, weep, hope and pray, 

The pit-mouth and pit-heaps are crowned. 
Ply, good pumps ! Drain, good tanks ! Comes a pause 

For a thwart rod, or chain gone awry 
What's that P In the hush Can it be? . 

Faint and far, from the depths comes a cry ! 

Yet again, and again ! There 'B a rush 
in shaft and for answer is giv"n, 
A cheer to put life into death. 

From earth's core to the blue height of Heaven ! 
Above, 'tis a multitude nnd, 

Who can say what it is, down below ? 
Man the cage ! It is manned ! Lower away ! 

Oh, the hope from despair ! Joy from woe ! 

Then the sick thrill of hope long deferred, 

And the back-sweep of dread and despair 
And of all that ten thousand tense souls, 

No soul but is offering its prayer. 
Here 's the cage ! Back ! Stand back ! Lo, the news 

From crowd-edge to crowd-end flashes through 
They are found ; they "re alive ; from the cage 

They are lifting them, ghastly and blue ! 

Again and again with its load, 

Where life flickers faintly and low. 
The cage is steered gently to bank, 

And a shout sends the news to and fro. 
Feeble pen, silly poet, that strivest, 

Through thy little channel to pour, 
The great joy of ten thousand hearts 

O'er those twelve to life rendered once more ! 

I but utter, how weakly soe'er, 

The thoughts, through all England that go, 
With (hose eager watchers above, 

And those patient watchers below .... 
Through the fears, hopes, and joys, shared with these, 

The faith, that with these we 'd fain share. 
To the truth, plain through all, that our God 

Still compasses Earth with his care. 


TUB Eatlern Post, no doubt well posted up in trustworthy rumours, 
makes the following announcement : 

" THE LBADBRB op TITE RKFOHJC LSAOU*. We are informed that MR. 
BEALEH, late President of the Reform League, will hortly recede a County 
Court Judgeahip. It i raid that MB. HOWEXL, the late Secretary to that 
body, hag been appointed private tecretary to a Member of Parliament." 

This, if true as stated, is as it should be. It was well and wisely 
done, too, if done at all, to liberate the Fenian prisoners without 
tickets of leave. See, one may say, how a generous confidence has 
been justified by demonstrative gratitude. Never again will roughs 
need an invitation to mob the House of Commons. Never, under any 
circumstances, will Hyde Park railings go down any more, or prison- 
walls and poor people, in Clerkenwell or elsewhere, be blown up. 
By the way, couldn't something be done for poor FISLBS ? 

Female Politicians. 

Fiw women, except a very few exceptions, really know a word, or 
care a straw, about politics. Many, however, strenuously declare 
themselves Conservatives or Liberals, as the case may be, according to 
the parties of their respective husbands, papas, or men in the place of 
those protectors. The better part of them take those men's sides, the 
rest the opposite. 

How to Grow Mushrooms. 

(Jlr. Punch's fray.) 

TAKE a lot of snobs. Manure them with money, made fast Plant 
them in the House of Commons, and stick their wives in Society. You 
will have a fine crop of Mushrooms. 

Fine Art. 

SPEAKING of the Raphael recently sold in Paris, one of the papers 
says" it is now duly recognised in PAS SAVANT'S Life." Is there 
not a little mistake here ? For PASSAVANT, who wrote the Life of 
Raphael was certainly a tatani on that subject. 

AND snnrrsc LIGHTS. 
WHAT Scotch Presbyterian Minister has a name that might be 
applied as a nickname to an Anglican Ritualist Parson ? 

A GOOD MOVE. The Society for the Suppression of Mendicity have 
determined to put down begging the question. 



[APRIL 3, 1869. 




A SMALL bird has informed us that an extraordinary meeting of the 
Berwick Poor-Law Guardians was held the other day for the purpose 
of taking into consideration an answer, the only one received, to a 
certain remarkable notification, lately published by them, of being in 
want of a medical officer and a workhouse porter. It ran as follows : 

" GENTLEMEN. By an announcement which has appeared in several 
of the journals, I am informed that you desire to engage the services of 
a medical officer, and also of a porter. To the former you offer 25 
a year, out of which he will be required to pay for all the medicine 
which he supplies, except cod-liver oil, and you expect candidates for 
his appointment to attend before you at the election day at their own 
cost. To the latter you offer 20 a year, with board and lodging. 

I beg to propose myself, conditionally, as a candidate for the situa- 
tion of your medical officer. Circumstances, peculiarly narrow, will 
preclude the possibility of my attendance at your Board, where, if 1 
could attend, perhaps 1 might not find any competitor. Accordingly, 
should no applicant present himself, a line addressed to me as below, 
accepting the proposal I am about to make to you, could summon me 
immediately; and I would be with you punctually on the First of 

For the place of workhouse porter, 1 apprehend that you will expe- 
rience no want of applications, it being obviously by much the more 
eligible of the two. In case your views could be met by the combina- 
tion of both officials in one person, allow me to propose myself to you 
as ready to constitute that one. You would then obtain the advantage 
of a resident medical officer, whose duties, as porter too, would not 
forbid his visiting patients in the receipt of outdoor relief, because his 
calls would occur chiefly during the night, and in the meanwhile, 
whether by night or day, paupers and tramps seeking admission might 
wait, as also might patients, whenever you, Gentlemen, arranged to 
visit the workhouse. 

My poverty prevents me from offering to perform your medical 
officership merely. I couldn't do it on the terms. To ask that you 
will allow me to undertake both of those employments in union may 

I say workhouse union ? my poverty, and not my will, consents 
Accordingly I am, Gentlemen, 

Your most obedient humble servant, 


P.S. For testimonials I refer you to MR. W. SIIAKSPEARE, Strat- 
ford-on-Avon. Please address Mantua, Poste-rentante. 

The foregoing communication having been read, a discussion ensued 
amongst the Guardians as to where Mantua was, and who and what 
was MR. W. SHAKSPEARE. On which points nobody present being 
able to supply any information, the meeting was adjourned, a member 
of the Board, who was able to write, having undertaken in the mean- 
while to communicate with MR. SHAKSPEARE. 


THE Admiralty are advertising that they will receive tenders for 
"Ivory Combs." Our belief in MR. GUILDERS as an economical 
reformer has been great, but if he is aware of this piece of reckless 
extravagance, and does not instantly order the advertisement to be 
withdrawn, Punch will doubt his sincerity. We are quite at sea as to 
who can possibly require " Ivory Combs " My Lords, or officers 
afloat (no enemy to have a brush with now), or the clerks at Somerset 
House and Whitehall ? Whoever the requisitionists may be, we put it 
to them whether, in the present state of the national finances, they 
ought not to be satisfied with a less expensive material horn, or gutta 
percha, or ebonite? If ivory combs are supplied, why should not 
ivory-backed hair-brushes, and other toilet requisites of the same costly 
description, be also furnished at the public expense ? 

From the North. 

" BEZIQUE ! " said an old Yorkshireman who had been reading all 
the controversy about the game, " I be ziqite of it." 

Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. M. Bolford Square, in the Pamh cf Pt James, ClerkenweU. in tne County of Middlesex, at the Printing Office* of Messrs. Bradbury, Brans, ft Co.. Lombard 
Street, m the Precinct of Whitelrlan, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 86. Fleet Street, In the Parish of St. Bride, City of London. SATUBDAT, April 9, 186B. 

A PHIL 10, I860.] 




CHRISTMAS is over. 
The almanacks railed 
it Easter, but a decent 
Easter would be 
ashamed of such 
weather, and besides, 
a pantomime has jus! 
been produced af 
Dr.iry Lane it vita 
Christmas, we repeat, 
and it is over. The 
House of Commons 
in t again on 

April 1, Thurtday. 
That is, a few of them 
came, and stayed for 
a short time. Attor- 
ney - General SIR 
announced that the 
Judges' report 
against Norwich and 
Bridgewater was so 
strong that we must 
have two Commis- 
sions to inquire into 
the evil doings in 
those places. Some local men protested, but Ma. HARDY declared that 
the House must stand by the Judges, ana the Commissions were agreed 
to. If we have any influence with our respected contemporaries of the 
daily press, we would ask them, when the investigation is going on, 
not to waste their valuable space and irritate our valuable temper with 
column after column of report of low, vulgar, and paltry exposures, but 
10 sum tlie matter up with a line to the effect that " another 
batch of Norwich cads to-day made shameless confession of their 
malpractices." Why should the sayings and doings of such animals be 
recorded as history f 

The Bill for the Abolition of Imprisonment for Debt was brought in, 
but as its parent did not make a speech about it, Mr. Punch will await 
his explanations. It would seem that the Prison is to be reserved only 
for those monsters of crime and contumaciousness who fail to obey the 
decree of the County Court. 

Friday. Still they didn't como, but there were quite enough to 
carry on debate uutil past one ia the morning. A sensible question was 
put to MR. LAYAKD by SIR HARRY VERNET about the protection of 
ancient monuments in this country, and the Chief Commissioner of 
Works made an earnest reply, stating that he had asked the Royal 
Society to write him out a list of toe monuments requiring public 
11. This l;iiKii STANHOPE had undertaken should be done. He 
alluded to DCNSTAX the Vandal who recently destroyed the Tolmen in 
Cornwall, in whose favour Mr. Punch last week expressed the hearty wish 
that the next, time DUNSTAM and the Enemy contend, the latter may 
get hold of DUNSTAN'.X IIOM', instead of the affair going as in the legend. 
But it is uselrs*, as I'KTK.K PINDAR said, to whip pigs with velvet, and 
nothing that Mr. Piiin-li or MR. LAYARD can say could affect DUNSTAW. 
Still, the parson of his parish might be down on him with the bit from 
the Commutation Service about the curse that resteth upon him who 
destroveth his neighbours' landmark, explaining to him, for his dismay, 
that tue Tolmen was a landmark for everybody. If the reverend 
gentleman will frighten IH-.SSTAN into "the horrors," Punch will make 
a" handsome present to the church school. 

MR, CiLLRi.KS BUXTON raised a question about an appointment in 
the Mint. Ho was completely answered by MR. DISRAELI, who had 
made that appointment, and MR. BIXTOX was told by MR. GLADSTONE 
to shut up. I he only points that concern the reader are two. First, the 
young gentlemen at the head of the Foreign Office are declared to be 
young gentlemen of the greatest intelligence, assiduity, and perse- 
verance ; and, secondly (and this is useful to people who write novels 
of political life), when " a man" (said DISRAELI) becomes leader of the 
lions,' he is allowed two private secretaries, and one of them is ap- 
pointed from the office with which he himself is connected, and without 
reference to politics. When MR. DISRAKLI'S private secretary first 
entered his room iu that capacity, the late PREMIER had not the honour 
of his acquaintance, nor did he even now know the gentleman's poli- 
tics. Note this, authors and she-authors, that you may not describe a 
Minister's private secretary as some pet of Mrs. Minister's, selected 
tor his Adonis looks, and that you may not make him suddenly spring 
from his desk, and iu an access of passionate politics reveal to his 
employer a scheme for overthrowing the Constitution. 

'iheii the Navy Estimates were taken, and ships were talked all the 
evening. The Government are bent upon building two grand sea- 
going turret-ships that will go anywhere, and they will not build any 

more wooden men-of-war. MR. CORRY, the late First Lord, denounced 
these great ships, and read heaps of letters from sea-officers, who pre- 
dicted that they would be useless. Hut on division MK. CHII.DKR.S 
was ordered to have his own way by 122 to 4fi. There was also a good 
deal of controversy about recent Admiralty changes and reforms, but on 
the whole the Committee of Supply thought that the Administration 
was on the right tack. 

The Budget is to follow, MRS. GRu.vnr.and of course the Income-Tax 
as before, MRS. GBUNDY, and lucky if it isn't increased, MR*. 


A Lecture delicered at the Purngford Social Science Imtilnle. 


GENTLEUEV and Ladies, I hare the honour to propose the institution 
of Matrimonial Agency Balls. 

The one sole object with which grown-up persons in general go to 
balls it matrimony, either for themselves or the girls they take with 
them. But you may go with your daughters to a public ball, and not 
find a single eligible partner, that you know, for one of them in the 
room. There is the price of tickets, amounting, perhaps, to several 
guineas, gone for nothing. There it also the cost of dresses and deco- 
rations. This I call throwing away powder and shot ; besides which 
you are kept up until perhaps four in the morning. 

All this waste of time and money would be saved at a Matrimonial 
Agency Ball. 

The ball might either be got up through subscription, or given, on 
speculation, by a Matrimonial Agent, or Agency Company. Allow me to 
mention a tew of the arrangements which would be requisite to work it. 
Let a hall or gallery be provided in which the photographs of persons 
designing to attend the ball may. if they please, be exhibited. Each 
portrait to be accompanied with a statement of terms, requirements, 
qualifications, capabilities, and so forth. As for example : 

No. 1. Man of sixty. Wife wanted, young and beautiful. His 
ncome, from safe investments, -20,000 a year. Will settle all his 
property, and her own, if she have any, on herself. 

I hope, Gentlemen, that there is not one among yon who entertains 
so low a view of humanity in its fairest form as to think that the original 
)f the photograph thus ticketed would be in a position to throw the 
landkerchief to any single lady in the Matrimonial Agency Ball-room, 
unless he had a competitor still more opulent than himself, or one 
squally rich, but older. I trust, too, that none of you would ven- 
.ure the insinuation that the bare statement of particulars, in such 
a ease, would suffice, and no photograph be necessary. Well ; now 
magine a Candidate of a contrary description ; a handsome young 
man, entered as : 

No ICaptain in a Cavalry Regiment. 

Would undertake to make any rational woman I 

Longs for a domestic life, 

>ut can't afford it. Would undertake to make any rational woman happy. 
Here you see would be a chance for an heiress who might or might 
lot be beautiful and accomplished as well ; for an old maid, no matter 
low old, if wealthy ; or for a rich widow. Given a maintenance, the 
gallant Captain, we may suppose, would not look any gift horse in the 
mouth. The cases I have imagined are extremes. A variety of others 
nay be conceived. A nobleman might have a title to bestow on the 
>est bidder. Intellect might be desired by some men mere beauty by 
others. Then men have fancies in these matters. One is particular 
about eyes, another cares for complexion, another regards flgnre 
rather : this man thinks most of a face, that of a foot and ankle. All 
hese men, in stating circumstances and requirements, could specify 
heir peculiar vanities for oh, my friends, are they not vanities, 
after all ? Why now, I can fancy a gentleman registering himself 
and his predilection simply as : 

No. 3. Artist. Admirer of RUBEXS and ETTY. Embonpoint. 

As to the ladies proposing to attend a Matrimonial Agency Ball, 
heir pictures alone would say quite enough, with a very fewexe* 
inch as when the hope of a husband is based on culinary skill, or some 
other utility, or accomplishment, or on f. d. Marriage is, and always 
will be, most girls' living ; their faces being their fortunes, as the say- 
ng is. For what man, in these days, can possibly afford to rive his 
laughter a portion that would be of material use to anybody but a 
mall shopkeeper ': Kveryone wants to spend much more than he is 
ible. The professions may, as Society progresses, get thrown more and 
more open to the better half of mankind, and l'n~;rrity will perhaps seea 
woman on ti . But, for a long time, the field of female 

mlusiry will remain restricted to that >.; .Cation wherein obtaining 
mployment would be greatly facilitated by the institution of Matri- 
monial Agency Balls. Palrttfamiliantm Matretfanuliarum ! Parents, 
iuardians ! I earnestly hope that the realisation of the idea which I 
lave now suggested will enable you to economise time and money in 
ecuring matrimony. 



[APBIL 10, 1869. 




WITH lamb at thirteen pence a pound, and beef and 
mutton at eleven pence, there are certainly substantial 
reasons why a man who is not rich should become a 
vegetarian. Instead of doing so. however, nine men out 
of ten would prefer to see meat cheaper, and will welcome 
any means whereby it may .become so. A hot summer 
and short crops of clover, grass, and turnips, are by some 
people alleged to be a cause of the high prices, and perhaps 
they may be also in some degree assigned to the fact that 
poor old Mother Earth is swindled shamefully by seed- 
merchants : 

" Inferior German rapesced (which has the appearance of 
English-grown turnipseed) is steamed, then kiln-dried, which 
destroys its vitality, for the purpose of mixing with turnipseed 
to the extent of about one bushel of killed seed to three of 
turnip-seed. The rape costs about 48s. per qr., and the turnip- 
seed about 10 per qr. 

" Again, inferior and old samples of clovers are dyed for the 
purpose of mixing with cloverseed of greater value, and trefoil 
(a cheap and inferior kind of clover) is also killed and dyed for 
the purpose of adulterating red clover." 

If farmers sow bad seed they must expect bad crops, 
and meat must rise in price when cattle-feed is costly. 
Farmers are ever ready to complain of their bad luck, 
and assign it to bad weather. They would, however, show 
more sense if they took care to sow good seed ; but as 
sense is not a quality for which 'they are remarkable, a 
Bill has been promoted to atone for their deficiency. By 
this measure a smash will come upon the seed-swindlers. 
It is a burning shame that a kiln for drying seed should 
be a kiln for kill'n it : and they who swindle Mother Earth 
in the way we have described, ought to be hauled over the 
coals and well scorched at the fire of public indignation. 

A Contradiction. 

VENICE is always said to be a City of Canals and 
dolas, nothing but water, " the Pride of the Sea." I 
then, are we to understand " The Moor of Venice ? " 



" The Captain" just, launched and all congratulation 
on your child, CAPTAIN COWPER COLES. 


ON being installed Rector of St. Andrew's University, MK. FROUDE 
the other day delivered an inaugural address which, as reported, shines 
in vivid contrast to the prolix Buncombe commonly puffed by " able 
editors " as eloquence, whereof you read so many yards in the news- 
papers under the head of Parliamentary Intelligence. The talented 
President of the Board of Trade, however, and some other persons, 
how thoroughly soever they may approve of part, wul as entirely 
dissent from the remainder, of the following passages in that remark- 
able discourse : 

' ' We have had thirty years of unexampled clerical activity among us ; the 
churches have been doubled ; theological books, magazines, and newspapers 
have been poured out by hundreds of thousands, while by the side of it there 
has sprung up an equally astonishing development of moral dishonesty. From 
the great houses of the City of London to the village grocer, the commercial 
life of England has been saturated with fraud. So deeply has it gone that a 
strictly honest tradesman can hardly hold his ground against competition. 
You can no longer trust that any article you buy is the thing which it pre- 
tends to be. We have false weights, false measures, cheating and shoddy 

The PRESIDENT OF XUE BOARD OF TRADE, and the minor mercantile 
gentlemen of Southwark and Marylebone, are doubtless in perfect 
accord with so many of the foregoing words as those which assert the 
increase and allege the unfruitfulness of clerical activity and church- 
extension. We may suppose them ready to concur in the statement 
that parallel thereunto there has arisen a proportional development of 
moral dishonesty ; that is to say, amongst part of the upper classes 
for instance, the horse-racing. But that the trading classes generally, 
and in particular any class of shopkeepers, have grown in roguery, we 
apprehend that the Minister of Commerce, and its cultivators north 
and south of the Thames, will strenuously deny. " False weights, 
false measures, and cheating, we have nowhere to speak of, MR. 
FROUDE. Not a word about shoddy." To all that comes next, bar- 
ring the reference to shoddy and the like of that article, the Right 
Honourable Gentleman, and his right honest clients, for the most part, 

we dare say, cordially assent, and the wiser part of our clergy not to 
say laity themselves, must lament that it is nearly all unquestionable : 

" Yet the clergy have seen all this grow up in absolute indifference ; and 
the great question which at this moment is actuating the Church of England 
is the colour of the ecclesiastical petticoats. Many a hundred sermons have 
I heard in England, many a dissertation on the mysteries of the faith, on the 
divine mission of the clergy, on apostolical succession, and the theory of good 
works, and verbal inspiration, and the efficacy of the sacraments ; but never, 
during these thirty wonderful years, never once that I can recollect on common, 
honesty, on those primitive commandments, Thou shall not lie, and thou 
shalt not steal." 

There may exist some doubt whether, in all the time that MR. 
FROUDE mentions, he never heard one single sermon against lying and 
stealing ; but, even if he has heard, and forgotten, one or two, they are 
as the one or two apples or pears, the production of which, to disprove 
the statement that the orchard they were found in contained no fruit, 
was instanced as a donkey's argument by DR. JOHNSON. MR. FROUDE 
tells manifestly quite the truth in representing the Church of England 
as at present chiefly occupied with millinery. So much is this the case 
that one wonders that not one of the Ritualist publishers has got up 
an illustrated ecclesiastical fashion-book, under the title of Le Follet 
Courricr des fylises. The art of printing in colours, tastefully applied, 
would make it a safe speculation. 

There is an analogy, as well as a parallel, between the Ritualism and 
the Roguery now and of late both rampant. Ritualism plays fast and 
loose with the Thirty-Nine Articles. Roguery, as to an indefinite 
number of other articles, tampers with weights and measures. Ritu- 
alism adds various Romish stuff to Anglican linen. Roguery adul- 
terates its cloth for sale with shoddy. In short, we may couple 
Ritualism with Roguery as the two R's. 

Not Herveys Now, but 

THE world is [divided into three classes, men, women, and people 
ho have written to the papers to say they didn't give bail for Mother 


APRIL 10, 1869.] 







AH lawks-a-daisy, little pood in these times one can often mention ! 
But now one thing I will allow to be a capital invention. 
'Tis a machine sunk in the sea, to serve our arbours for protection, 
Which have been by ingeuus men brought very nearly to perfection. 

I" ve heer'd about a Spanish Don famed for his wisions, one QUKVBDO, 
Daresay he never dreamt of this thing which they calls it a Torpedo, 
Alter a flatGsh as I "in told, that, bathin if you treads it under, 
Gives you a strong helectric shock, and which they say 's the same as 

Likewise by the galvanic spark this epperatus, bein loaded 
With nitric-glycerine, gun-cotton, powder, is at will ixploded. 
When if the inimy 's above, the nbbles, reptiles' crew, ah drat 'em ! 
It blows their ship up in the air, and sends the wretches to the bottom. 

That 's how 1 wish as we could deal with all detestable invaders, 
As couldn't be prewailed upon to keep aloof by sitch persuaders. 
Give us the means, I 've always said, of blowin up the base attackers, 
Just like the boys does wopses" nests with fireworks, divils, squibs, and 

The wonders that Saint Chassy Pot did for the Pope of Rome was 


To sitch as the torpedo works, a hinstrument wuth all your rifles. 
And bless whoever did contrive so hexcellent a institution 
For to defend our native hind with avoc and with hexecution. 

Of stakin your own lives agin them plaguy vermin I 've no notion. 
Set traps, I say, to pison "em, or burn, or sink "em in the hocean. 
Ah ! if we could destroy 'em all, there 'd be an end of war and battle, 
Which we abhors, and only gets dragged into by them foreign cattle. 

The thing of all I can't abear to hear a person name is glory. 
Men killed and wounded ; taxes ; tea and sugar rose : the old, old story. 
Glory, juice take it, glory, yah ! the very word my fancy sickens. 
Glory ! I hope torpedos will blow all your glory to the dickens. 

Oh what a blessed appy thing to live in peace and out of danger. 
By bein able at a blow to spimicate the orstile stranger, 
When upon all the people of the earth around in war delightin, 
We shall look out o winder like, and as it were at dogs a fightin ! 

Wrack, ruin, olesalc, swecpin, h instantaneous death, annihilation, 
To them as ever dares to lay a finger on this peaceful nation ! 
No wrong, harm, hurt to nobody, whilst we be left alone would we do ; 
But hands off, all you foreigners, or bang at you goes our torpedo ! 


THANK you, MR. GERMAV REED Pnnek thanks you very much for 
a vastly pleasant evening. The " Entertainment " at vour Gallery is 
really entertaining, and that is more than can be said of many so-called 
" entertainments. You have done the Stage good service, too, b/ 
introducing on it an excellent new actor. Clearly his performance is 
of more than usual promise. Not only he can act, but he can sing as 
well; and, when.these powers'are combined, the warbler must be looked 
on as a rara ana. In these days of vulgar music-halls, and vapid, 
coarse burlesques, it is a treat to hear a gentleman, who really is a 
gentleman, sing a comic song, which really is a comic one. This is 
done now daily at the Gallery of Illustration : and Punch, remembering 
an old service in a charitable cause, records with pleasure the success 

A Rock Ahead. 

A TELEGRAM from Madrid has agitated our Foreign OfBce by the 
portentous information that : 

" In to-day's tilting of the Cortes, SBNOB ORKJJSE gave notice of an 
interpellation respecting the future of Gibraltar." 

That future some Spaniards would fain have us make a present of, 
i by presenting them with Gibraltar. As long as Gibraltar is necessary 
to our maritime position, don't they wish they may get it f 



[APRIL 10, 1869. 




WE wonder if fine ladies ever go to church to show off 
their fine dresses. One would fancy that some must do so, 
at any rate in Paris, else wherefore have some dressmakers 
there put forth what they please to call a " programme for 
the Holy Week," whence it may interest fair readers if we 
cite the following : 

" Toilette de Sermon. Kobe de poult de soio noire ; Metter- 
nich do mCrne etofle, garnie d'une ruche chicoree ; chapeau 
satin, mance Sultan, nu'le de Chantilly, forme Maintenon; 
hotlines de chevreau Sultan ; gants do Saxe ; missel de chagrin 
rouge ; col et manches toile de Hollaude ; cravate de Chan- 
tilly ; boutons d'or uni ; chapelet d'or." 

A congregation all arrayed in their toilettes de sermon 
must be a most improving and most edifying sight. A 
lady whose mind is quite at ease about her dress, who is 
conscious that her boots are of the fashionable colour, and 
that her bonnet is constructed of the very very latest 
fashionable shape, can of course devote her thoughts en- 
tirely to devotion, and can listen to a sermon with undis- 
turbed attention, in serenity and peace. Where all arc 
dressed alike, too, in the very height of fashion, there can 
be no disquietings of jealousy or envy, and no dread ol 
being criticised can rankle in the breast. We doubt, how- 
ever, if a sermon be the better laid to heart for being 
: listened to by ears adorned with fashionable ear-rings ; and 
', heads which are so filled with the worship of the toilette, 
have but little room for storing up the wisdom of the 

Dover, March 29, 1869. 


On Dover's chalky height, 
The troops that he commanded 

Put Britons brave to flight ; 
But if he, last Easter Monday, 

The coast had ventured near, 
He'd have turned tail to the fury of the gale, 

And the British Volunteer. 



AN assize jury has, of course, reversed the verdict ot man- 
slaughter returned by a coroner's against the twobreaksmen concerned 
in the railway accident at Abergele. It acquitted the prisoners in 
ten minutes. Sir, they have, however, by no means escaped punish- 
ment. If they didn't find bail they went to gaol, and at any rate, 
they have been put to the cost, and subjected to the suspense and 
anxiety, of having to be tried for felony. 

Whenever any individual, still more when any numbers, of the British 
Public are killed by accident, somebody must be punished. Somebody 
did or omitted to do something, and so caused the accident. But 
common law does not make such act or omissi9n necessarily criminal. 
It admits the excuse of infirmity or error in judgment; will not call 
homicide by misadventure manslaughter ; will so call casual homicide 
by carelessness only, or by culpable, ignorance. So, by assize law 
breaksmen, stokers, engineers, or other railway servants, having the 
misfortune, without any fault, to occasion the death of any passengers, 
would go unscathed. 

Here Crowner's quest law supplies the defect of assize law, Mr. Punch. 
Coroners' juries find verdicts of manslaughter irrespectively of fault. 
Those verdicts cannot be sustained ; but the prisoners found not 
guilty have in the meanwhile been punished in the ways above-named, 
inclusive recollect, perhaps of some months' imprisonment. British 
Crowners' quest law, you see, Sir, is in its way supplementary to law 
proper, much as Lynch law is in the United States. Only Lynch 
Law cares for natural right as well as public safety Crowner's quest 
law contemplates public safety alone. 

Your Consistency will see that law proper should be reconciled with 
Crowners' quest law. It soon will. We are evidently on the verge 
of a ^reat legal reform. In conformity with a very extensive feeling, 
occasionally asserted by some of our principal public instructors, acts 
will in no long time come to be judged with respect to their operation 
only, and without any regard to their motives. " Hang homicidal 
maniacs," is the cry, which, more or less paraphrased in various 
quarters, expresses this feeling Society's pure instinct of self-protec- 
tion. Never mind the maniac," look simply at the homicide. Why not 
also cry, " Hang all breaksmen and others who break people's necks, 
and occasion homicide, whether by misfortune or by negligence ? " 
Only because it might be difficult to replace them, or to retain the un- 
hanged in their situations. 

There appears to be a growing conviction' that the end of punishment 
is simply protective. On that principle the law would punish a fatal 
mistake, not at all for any supposed guilt in it, but solely with a view 
to make the offender, or, if it hang the.offender, then to make other 
people, more careful another time. You would hang a homicide, bir, 
just as you gibbet a scarecrow, in terrorem, and for nothing else ; you 
would whip a garotter precisely as you would a hound, to break him ot 
his practices, and discourage his like. In short, it is fast becoming 
unfashionable to consider crimes, or any other actions, as to their moral 
character at all. Such consideration is commonly stigmatised by our 
strong-minded men as sentimental ; and, certainly, morality and senti- 
ment, in as far as sentiment is not immoral, are convertible terms. 
Abolish sentiment abolish morality. 

Fiat justitia mat ccelum? Not for the future, Mr. Punch. If the 
skies should fall, larks would be caught ; but the British Public, and 
every other Public, would be crushed, Sir. Fiat mjjtstitia to any amount, 
if necessary for the public safety. Hang everybody, j ustly or unjustly, 
whose execution may be needful for that paramount purpose. Don t, 
indeed, exactly hang breaksmen, pointsmen, stokers, and engine- 
drivers for accidental homicide ; but spare their lives only because, it 
you absolutely hung them, you would thereby incur the inconvenience 
of a railway stand-still. There is also a reason for not making them in 
every case of fatal railway accident legally punishable for manslaughter. 
Such accidents sometimes occur from parsimonious arrangements, in 
which cases the protection of the British Public would be the rather 
consulted if the parties made criminally responsible were the Directors. 
I am, Sir, the Supreme Law. You must sacrifice individuals to 


Not a Doubt of it. 

A WRITER in the Times upon the " Criminal haunts " of London 
assigns much of their vice to the demoralising influence of the numerous 
low pawnbrokers. In fact, these criminal haunts would never be^so 
full of crime, were it not for the abundance of the criminal uncles. 


GOLD has many properties, but we never knew that it could feel a 
desire for drink, until playbills and posters told us of Ihe Ikirst ot 
Gold at the Olympic. 


A rim, 10, 1S69.] 



COME, April fools, from this side sea, 

Conic, April lish, from t'other 
Let 's hob and nob, and all agree 

Each April gowk's a brother ! 
For you 're a fool, and I 'm a fool ; 

And in this nipping weather 
more the fools the merrier .... 

So here 's all fools together ! 

Which head were't best that 1 invest 

With 1'iinrk's Cap of Folly ? 
Who with its bells is like to make 

Music most melancholy: 1 . 
England has hosts of candidates, 

And France, I sec, has plenty: 
One Arch-fool it is hard to choose, 

Though easy to choose twenty ! 

Say, should it be the Fenian, 

That dab at vulgar fractions ? 
Whose scheme is to make Ireland one, 

By letting loose her factions : 
To feed her fat by damming out 

The commerce of the Saxon ; 
And ease her load by leaving nought 

The State can lay a tax on. 

To raise to flood her tide of wealth 

By drying up its fountain ; 
Ana turn on JOHN BULL, in the might 

Of molehill against mountain. 
To share the land : spin ropes of sand; 

Fools' Heavens convert fools' Hells to : 
Rise up, my Fenian April fool, 

You 've earned the cap, and bells, too ! 

And yet I wist my Ritualist's 

A formidable rival, 
From bobs and bows, and mops and mows, 

Who looks for faith's revival ; 
Who in a cold, dark world finds light 

And warmth in altar-candles : 
Holds rites and vestments helps to Heaven, 

And prayers in plain clothes scandals. 

Who shakes his head at LUTHER'S name, 

And sighs for " Papa noster ;" 
Meantime, from pulpits Protestant 

Doth Papal doctrines foster : 
Content by thumb of Priest and Church 

To gauge Heaven's rule and Hell's, too 
lie leaves the Fenian in the lurch 

Give him the cap, and bells. 

But rampant rise to claim the prize 

Competitor* a couple; 
An Onui-e-man with bloodshot eyes, 

An Ultramontane supple. 

For I'mtcslant ascendency 

The one, tor Papist t'other ; 
At odds in all. but the resolve 

Of each to damn his brother. 

O'er GLADSTONE'S Bill had 'they their will, 
Kilkenny's cats they 'd equal : 

And light till but two tails were left- 
Two tales without a sequel ! 

But cooler England steps between, 
As their wrath high-tide swells to ; 

And since the crown she can't assign, 
Divides the cap, and bells, too. 

" Now nay, now nay ! " LOUD JOHN may say : 

" Advance our feudal banners : 
And raise a claim to cap and bells. 

In morals' name and MANNERS' ! 
Right in the teeth of saucy facts, 

I "11 make my docile flock run, 
DAME PARTINSTOJJ swept back the sea, 

Back MANNERS bids the clock run ! " 

And here come Lords of Vested Rights 
In Schools and Boards and Vestries, 

To prove that what 's wrong is our own. 
What 's right, is our Ancestry's. 

If they think long-befooled Joiw BOLL 
^Vill longer yield their yells to, 

I think their Lordships may nut in 
Good claim to cap, and bells, too. 

But turn the sight to left or right, 

The cry is still " They 're coming!" 
Like flies about a honey-cask, 

Or wasps round peaches humming. 
So dense the swarm of April fools, 

Pur ' r (lie picking, 

ril fish can find 

No r< ails for sticking. 

'Tis clear one crown is not enough 

Among so many claimants. 
So glorious in their length of cars, 

And motleyness of raiments. 
Keep England's cap for English fools, 

For French let 1 ranee provide one ; 
Witli heads so worthy crowns api* 

Why stick two pates inside one ? 


CUSTOMS, Excise, Stamps, Abyssinian Expedition, attacks upon 
income otherwise Income-Tax, deficiency, reductions, fortifications, and 
the fifty other items of THE BUDGET, will figure rather largely in 
Conversation for the next few days, and bind you to know something 
about Exchequer Bonds and Ways and Means. 

People will be wrapt up in the balance sheet, and full of MB. LOWE'S 
maiden speech as the great taxing-master and purse-bearer ; and will, 
more than ever, appraise those Abyssinian cases (cases belli) at South 
Kensington, in which you may now stare at a really fine King's crown, 
as the most expensive acquisitions ever exhibited by any Museum. 

The Budget has made you low. For the time you are rather annoyed 
at having an income, and can hardly abstain from stamps, and form 
resolutions to discontinue excisable articles, and never again to en- 
courage armorial bearings, and hair powder ; but for all that, you arc 
not an apostate from your faith in LOWE and GLADSTONE. The men- 
tion of the Prime Minister, one of the primest England has ever had, 
is, by association, to make you, and all around you, happy once more. 
For is he not Member for Greenwich, and is not Greenwich the home 
and haunt of the infant herring (has not DR. GUNTHER proved it! 1 
We hope we are correct and not erring, in assigning this distinction to 
the baby bloater, rather than to the youthful pilchard or inexperienced 
sardine our natural history, particularly ichthyology, was always fishy), 
and has not the Whitebait Season commenced, and are they not cutting 
brown bread and butter at the "Trafalgar 1 ' and the "Ship" day 
and night, and importing cargoes of limes and lemons from all torts of 

But if Whitebait is coming in, Beefsteaks are going out. as you 
found when you went to CHRISTIE'S, and saw the pictures ana prints, 
the wines ana wine-glasses out of which it pleased yon to think PEG 
WomxcTON had drank and been toastedof the " Sublime Society 
of Beefsteaks," born .17:55, died 1809, sold by auction; as yon will 
narrate at dinner to ELEANOR RAHI LIFFE, whose smile and charms 
make you content to have a taxable income, and whom you will take, 
under auntly chapcronagc, before the week is out, to see Slack and 
White, or Dreams, or Won by a Head (with MBS. STIRUBG in it), or 
Cox and Box, or some other of the Easier offerings. 

Miss RANCLIFFE'S tastes are many and various ; so yon are certain 
to have a gracious listener, whether you talk of Easter plays, Easter 
eggs, or the desirableness of making Easter a stationary feast about the 
middle of April ; of the Opera or LADT PETKE'S admirable Crecte ; 
of the Preston strike or the London season ; of BROWSING'S poem 
or STOPFORD;BROOKE'S sermon ; of Customs or fashions ; of the faces 
you have seen in the pictures intended for the Royal Academy ; or, to 
return to our first love, of the figures in MB. LOWE'S Budget. 

Archiepiscopal Confirmation. 

THB ARCHBISHOP or YORK, in a letter, of necessity declining an 
nvitation to the dinner about to be given in Liverpool to MB. CHARLES 
DICKENS, writes : 

" I much regret to say that, being engaged with my continuations, it will 
quite impossible for me to be present to do honour to one of tbr greatest 
writers that have adorned English literature." 

Thus has the ARCHBISHOP OF YOKK confirmed the popular i 


THE HOTELS. The Nova-Scotian Giantess is staying at 
The Siamese Twins are at The UNITED. 



[APRIL 10, 1869. 




CHAP. VI. IMJUBF.D Ixx(iri:N-ri-. 




End of Vol. I. 


C o 

5 w 
>s .-^ 

" s 

5 o 



Cl Q 

O ^ 
O u 





f 1 

w t-^ 

J^ O -^H 

- K fS ( s 

o H J 

^ w 

" M h> 

8g H 

li o 

S (1 

Is 2 

M ^ w 

4_* . ' ^^J 

p b <o 

sP ^ 

M t~* 

S w 

10, 1SG9.] 




T times it has rained cats and 
does lately; but the subjoined 
extract from a newspaper sug- 
i the probability that those 
]HMir nuimrils are going to be 
rnlilii-d of their meat : 

At the instance of (i prominent 
Trinity an aft ha* been 
slaughtered, dressed, and prepared 
for rooking. It it an animal about 
nine years of age, and was for gome 
ttme lubJMtad to li^ht work, but 
of late has been ' living in clover ' 
on the furm of MR. LANOTOX, at 
Tnimpington, in the vicinity of 
Cambridge. It w5 duly fattened 
up, then butchered and dressed by 
Hit. HOLDF.N, a butcher, of Fitzroy 
I, Cambridge." 

The mere information that an 
at Cambridge had been 
slaughtered, dressed, and pre- 
pared for cooking, would of 
itself alone look frightfully 
anthropophagous, since it does 
not assure us that the Cam- 
bridge Ass, killed and prepared for cooking, was not an Under- 
graduate, or even a Don ; for Dons have been, and may still be, some 
of tin in, Donkeys. But our minds are relieved by the statement that 
this Ass was only about nine years old. Men do not come up to the 
University so early as nine. We perceive, therefore, that the victim 
:L regular quadruped with long ears, and not a man, called, or 
written down, an Ass because of inability, for instance, to pass his 
little-go. There are still, however, many people who, when they con- 
sider that " a prominent member of Trinity " has eaten " moke," when, 
if I" 1 l'-i>l thoaen, 'n; might have (lined on mutton, will say that the 
word prefixed to the above-quoted paragraph, should have been, not 
tronomy," but "Cannibalism." 


Am " All my Fancy dwells upon \ancy." 

TIIKHE was a man whose name was DAN, 

And a hunting he would go, 
So, before he went, his time he spent 1 
hi learning " Tallyho!" 
In learning Tallyho, boys, 
In learning Tallyho ; 
fur all his fancy dwelt upon NANCY, 
^rf-learning" Tallyho!" 

This young man DAN was in love with NAJT, 

\Vhich p'raps you'd like to know ; 
To her he came to confide his plan 
Of learning "Tallyho!" 
Of shouting Tallyho, boys, 
Of screeching Tallyho ; 
For all his fancy dwelt upon NANCY, 
- "Tallyho!" 

A Huntsman came, I forget his name; 

But it doesn't matter : no. 
Ten hours a day he passed away 
In teaching " Tallyho ! " 
In teacliing Tallyho, boys, 
In screeching Tallyho ; 
And all his fancy dwelt upon NANCY, 
While teaching " Tallyho ! " 

Says DAS, says he, we '11 married be 

In sixteen weeks or so ; 
Says NAN, says she. you 'II give up me, 
Or learning " Tallyho ! " 
Or learning Tallyho, boys, 
Or turning Tallyno ; 
.//"all your fancy dwells upon NANCY, 
Then give up " Tallyho ! " 

Says DAN to NAN, who used her fan, 

Remember I 'm your beau ; 
But for all Hal, I mial get pat 

This cry of '' Tallyl, 

This cry of Tallyho, boy, 

cry of Tall;. 

Says she, your fancy '= not nil upon N \ 
But most on "1 

The Huntsman winks and blinks and think*, 

" Oh, isn't this a go F 
She knows y fancy dwells upon NANCY, 
And** on Tallyho!" 
And not on Tallyho, boys, 

.(//on Tally ho; 

No, til my fancy dwells upon NANCY, 
And BOMS on "Tallyho!" 

This was his plan : he made young 1U\ 

top in a room Mow ; 
And run about and hollow and shout 
11 one word "Tallyho!" 
This one word Tallyho, boys, 
This simple Tallyho; 

And i* you can fancy, he made up to NAN. 
While DAB sang "Tallyho!" 

When DAN had done what he 'd begun, 

To NANCY he did g o ; 
Saw she 1 'e kewd that you preferred 
To your "Tallyho!" 
Your horrid Tallyho, boyi, 
Your DMty Tallyho ; 

You 'vc followed your fancy, and lost your NAJTCY, 
By learning " Tallyho !*' 


If on a Miss, a girl like this, 
Your love you do bestow ; 
Then marry away. 
To pick up " Tallyho ! ' 
No, hant: \ lio, boys. 

Yes, bother Tallyho ; 

For if all your fancy dwells upon NANCY, 
Then give up " Tallybo." 

Now let us sing God Save the King, 

And loyalty we '11 show : 
That is, 1 mean God Save the Oaten 
With yoicks and "Tallyho!" 
With yoicks and Tallyho, boys, 
With yoicks and Tallyho; 
For all our fancy dwells upon NANCY. 
While ice sing Tallyho ! 

Grand Choria. 

For all our fancy dwells upon NAHCY, 
While we sing " Tallyho ! " 


WHAT a wonderful calorific is enthusiasm ! At the Volunteer 
Review on Easter Monday at Dover, the prices of admission to the 
grand stand were from ai. to 10.*. a-head. What philosopher would, in 
ordinary March weather, stand out a Review, even if paid the larger 
of those two sums to do so, unless he were very hard up indeed f But 
philosophers are cold-blooded, and their blood is not to be wanned 
except with some such stimulant as wine or spirituous liquor. A more 
generous spirit than brandy, rum, gin, or whiskey, firing the British 
Public, enables it, surveying the evolutions of ita patriotic protectors, 
to resist, for hours, the operation of a very low temperature, and pay 
very high prices for the privilege of an altitude in the cold. 

A Friendly Suggestion. 

THE " Minders " are amongst those on strike at Preston. Would 
it not be well for all, both Masters and Men, to be " minders " of the 
advice of snch counsellors as MR. MUNDELLA. 


MANY people have complained a good deal about the weather which 
we have had during the past month. Nevertheless, after all, thi last 
March has been none so dusty. 



[APRIL 10, 1869. 





OF all laws sumptuary laws are about the most odious. 
Of all sumptuary laws the most odious law that can be 
imagined would be a law forbidding the consumption of 
real turtle. But what would aggravate the odiousness of 
that law to the highest possible degree would be a state 
of things which, disallowing the consumption of real 
turtle, permitted that of mock. 

The REV. MR.. LOWDER, on Good Friday last, with a tail 
of Ritualists at his back, is said to have perambulated St. 
George's-in-the-East, as the Coryphccus of a mimic lloman 
Catholic procession. 

Now this is undeniably a case of mock-turtle. That is 
to say, if Popery is turtle which nobody of all the jour- 
nalists and other gentlemen, as well as ladies who are doing 
its work can deny. If Ritualism isn't mock-turtle, say that 
it is mock-oxtail, mock anything you like ; at all events 

Suppose ARCHBISHOP MANNING and a train of Popish 
priests had made, in public, the original demonstration of 
which Parson LOWDER'S was a copy, would they not have 
committed an illegal act ? Would not the Police have been 
empowered to compel them to move on, off, and away ; and 
in case of their refusal, to conduct them to the station- 
house ? As a fact, we see no Roman Catholic processions 
in the thoroughfares, but only shams of them, and what 
is there to prevent the realities but the law ? 

cannot, march the streets at the head of an ecclesiastical 
posse, that condition of non possumus, as MANNING might 
say. is very unfair to the Papists. The law is a WHALLEY 
still, and cries " No Popery ! " Religious equality is not 
yet ; persecution still vexes our Roman Catholic brethren 
we had almost said fellow-subjects ; but as for us, our alle- 
giance is undivided, and we own no Mikado at Rome. If 
the Ritualist clergy are free to practise parade, forbidden 
to the Romish priesthood, what is sauce for the goose is 
not sauce for the gander ; or, to speak impartially, what is 
sauce for the gander is not sauce for the goose. 

A Deal Too Bad. 

WHAT can have induced the Preston WMst-players to 
join the Strike? We ask this question from reading that 
" the Card-room Hands " there are involved in the dispute. 


COME ! " 
(The most unseasonable line in THOMSON'S Seasons.) 

HAIL, Spring, and snow, Spring ! bite, bluster, and blow, Spring ! 

And give JEMMY THOMSON, that humbug, the lie. 
Dispel our delusion that Elora doth owe Spring 

The snow-drop that comes from the earth, not the sky. 
When have March-skies been sadder, or March airs been madder, 

Or March-winds been edged with more pitiless blast ? 
Not at Dover alone, the forlorn Easter gadder, 

May sneeze out, " Thank goodness, we "ve got our ' March-past ! ' " 

JEMMY THOMSON invoked thy ethereal mildness, 

He 'd have still better reason to call for it now ; 
Or for " mildness," methinks, he 'd have given us " wildness " 

Thou that nip'st lamb on leasowes, and bud upon bough 
I sing thee, 'tis true, but my song a long sneeze is, 

And instead of light lyre I've a heavy catarrh ; 
And my Ver is a lady in fur, and she teases 

For a hot-water-bottle to put in her car ! 

Proper Pride at Greenwich. 

Too much pride is a bad thing, as we know from MILTON and others. 
But proper pride is to be commended, and here is a little of it. At a 
meeting of the Greenwich Conservative Association one SHERSBY 
remarked of one COVIL, 

" Fl . a . dne8i n to principle was now most important to the country, and 
they might be proud of their friend, MB. COVIL, when they saw the Prime 
ater had shown the most extraordinary vacillation. (Cheers.)" 

Let us all be proud of COVIL; only who is he, and while our in- 
formants are about it, who is SHERSBY f 


ON Easter Monday one of Mr. Punch's friends took his alpenstock, 
and with three companions who carried parasols, made the ascent of 
St. Paul's Cathedral. He would like to know if the party are now 
eligible for the Alpine Club. 

In the gallery surrounding the dome, he put his chin over the balus- 
trade, when an ascending fragrance immediately regaled his nose. 
Whence came it ? From a commercial establishment. What was it P 
The aroma of a substance undergoing a process. He may say no more. 
Further particulars would amount to an advertisement of which the 
Ritualists and aU the quacks in the world would say, and some of them 
perhaps even think, that Mr. Punch had been paid for the insertion. 

But what an advertisement ! One that would circulate, untranslated, 
over every land where the English language is spoken ; translated 
throughout every other. Of course, no shop whatever could possibly 
afford to pay one-tenth of the price such a puff would be worth. 

But puffery of every sort and kind is wliat Mr. Punch abhors, and 
he publishes the fact above stated merely as an instance of the minute 
divisibility of matter, and the height to which odorous particles can 

Reviewing the Past. 

WHAT the Volunteers would like to have, when they go again to 
Dover, would be a Walmer reception by the LORD WARDEN and the 
weather. They hope the next tide they see there will be a Whitsun- 



m ANTED, a LIGHT POETER for Supper time. 

THE VOLUNTEERS' OATH. " By George ! " 

APRIL, 10, 1869.] 





Sarcastic Younger Sitter (fancy free). " On, PRETTY WELL, BUT SHE WON'T BE ON VIEW THESE Two HOUM. SHE'S WBmso TO 



THE rehearsals of KINO FYSCHER'S operetta for the private thea- 
tricals at the MACAWS' (of Macaw) party afforded a very pleasant way 
of spending the spare hours between four o'clock and dinner-time, and 
also various evenings when there was no other engagement. 

NIPPER was, 1 recollect, the man whose time it was difficult to suit, 
as he was out every night, and would only promise to " look in " after 
one of his parties, on his road home ; which promise, being made con- 
ditionally, was rarely kept. To the rehearsals in the afternoon he was 
as punctual as a sentry at the Horse Guards, seeing that being engaged 
in an office (as assistant-secretary's assistant clerk, a very gentlemanly 
appointment of some considerable value) he was very strict m observing 
to a minute the hour when business finished. This was four o'clock, 
and at half-past Niri'Bii was at MRS. MACAW'S. 

The difficulty was to get every one to time. One day we were all 
there but KING FYSCUER, who came, full of apologies, just five minutes 
before everyone had to go away. Another time it would be ALF POODEL 
who thought we were going to rehearse the operetta and without the 
farce (he only playing in the latter), and would in the evening (when 
the operetta was rehearsed, and not the farce) overwhelm us all with 
his sorrow for the " inconvenience which he feared he really must have 
caused," &c., &c. 

TOM PORCUPINE having been lugged in, on account of his knowing 
something about the stage and stage matters (he could, it was averred, 
shake hands with three managers, calling them by their surnames, 
without prefix, and had had one farce refused by fivs principal theatres, 
and one produced somewhere at some time or other), was made much of 
when he came, and pleaded most important business, in a literary way, 
as an excuse for nonattendance generally. 

" If they want 'us to go and rehearse," said TOM, crustily. " why 
don't they ask us to dinner ? Rehearsal first, dinner afterwards." 

And this, beinp a good idea, was suggested to MBS. MACAW, who not 
having many invitations at present, had several evenings at her own 

" Oh, MR. PORCUPINE," says she, one night, " what ikall we do 
about the stage?" 

" Better hire one," suggests TOM. 

NIPPER, who must be worth a fortune to theatrical costumiers and 
perruquiers, immediately puts in, " Go to SALMON can't do better 
than SALMON." 

ALF POODEL objects. " Go to DACE." says he, mentioning another 
eminent purveyor of costumes theatrical. 

" Not Tor a stage," says NIPPER, speaking as an authority. " DACE 
don't put up stages." 

" Ah, well," returns POODEL, yielding this point ; " but I dvayt go 
to DACE for dresses." 

" Not so good as SALMON ! " cries NIPPER, 

"Oh, isn't heP" replies POODEL, sarcastically. 

There is a great difference of opinion on this important subject 
between these two authorities, and well might SALMON and DACE 
tremble in their slippers did they know how their respective menu 
were being discussed by the two distinguished amateurs above- 

On one common ground they meet, namely that PORPOISE is to do 
the wigs. 

So MRS. MACAW sends to SALMON (or "if MR. NIPPER would call 
and tell him, she would be so much obliged ; " and he does so, making 
MR. SALMON distinctly understand that he appears in his shop only as 
an agent, and perfectly irresponsible), and of him orders a stage, 
scenery, and some dresses; while a party, led by POODEL, prefer (also 
as irresponsible agents) to procure theirs from MR. DACE. 

MR. SALMON appoints a time to call at the house, measure the room, 
and see what MRS. MACAW exactly doet want. 

MR. SALMON, a red-headed little gentleman, whose presence imme- 



[AruiL 10, 18G9. 

diately conveys the idea of a predominance of hair-oil in. his toilette 
(having apparently washed his nauds and face in it by mistake), arrives 
with his man (a snlky and silent person, very dirty, with a carpenter's 
rnle in his pocket), and is at ouce shown up-stairs by the servant, who 
holds him at first in no small awe, as having some mysterious connec- 
tion with the "Theayter." Mil. SALMON enters the drawing-room 
in an easy and affable style peculiar to himself, and, if neither NIPPER, 
POODEL, nor PORCUPINE are there, at once assumes the command, 
and rules with the powerful confidence of one "who knows exactly 
what you want, Ma'am." 

Strangely enough he seems to hit upon the scenes in KING FYSCIIER'S 
operetta, not to mention the dresses and characters, as if he'd bsen 
familiar with them from his childhood upwards. 

" PECKER," says he to his man, who shelters himself bashfully in the 
shadow of his chief, and slouches out with a two-foot rnle, "just 
measure this here." Then to MRS. MACAW, in rather a thick, dusty 
voice, "I know exactly what you want. Interior of ' act : set. 
An nin, second, with table, chairs, and ushull properties." 

" Yes, quite so," says Mus. MACAW, vaguely. 

"Twenty- live by thirty," growls PECKER, pocketing his rule, and 
retiring once more into the shade. 

"Very good," continues SALMON, as if he now saw it all at a glance. 
" 'Ut first ; Inn second. You'll wish us to find everythink ? " 

MRS. MACAW replies rather faintly (being a little overcome by the 
prevalence of the hair-oil), " Oh yes, if you please," and rejoices to 
think that further particularising is not expected of her. 

MESSRS. SALMON and PECKER are just taking their leave when enter 
NIPPER and POODEL, followed by PORCUPINE. 

In a second MR. SALMON descends (as it were) from his throne of 
conscious superiority OVLT Mus. MACAW'S ignorance of theatricals, and 
is ready to listen to what MR. NIPPER has to say. 

NIPPER is exacting, lit knows all SALMON'S scenes, and insists (on 
pain of losing his custom for ever) on SALMON not giving them that 
old make-shift of an Inn which he sent to Mas. SANDPIPER'S the other 
evening. SALMON promises ; in fact will have " a new scene, pran new, 
fresh a purpose for this operetta ; and is there hanythink else P J ' It 
appears that there are several anythinks elses, and MR. SALMON spends 
his next hour under sharp examination from NIPPER and PORCUPINE as 
to the scenes, the dresses, and the lights. 

" We must have a front scene of a wood," says NIPPER. 

" We '11 paint you one," answers MR. SALMON, readily. 

" And mind it works well, and that we have it for rehearsal," insists 


"It shall be here," replies SALMON, "and the practicable winder 
and doors, and the wings and borders, all complete." As MH. SALMON 
makes this summary, he moves towards the door. 

A fearful thought suddenly strikes MRS. MACAW. " Oh ! " says she, 
" you won't knock the walls about very much, will you ? " 

MR. SALMON- immediately professes an instinctive reverence for the 
rights of property, and an intense regard for the preservation of walls, 
folding-doors, and hanging-pictures. " There shan't be a nail any- 
where," says he, in a most conciliatory tone, "except, perhaps, just a 
taek or two where it won't be seen, and is habsolutely necessary. Ma. 
NIPPER knows me." 

NIPPER, not altogether displeased by this appeal, corroborates 
SALMON'S statement; and MRS. MACAU 's minii baing set at rest on the 
subject of thi! walls not being knocked about, is unwilling to see MR. 
SALMON detained any longer, when ALF PooDKt. (who doesn't think 
much of SALMON' and his arrangements) suddenly exclaims, 

" Yes, that 's all very well for the scenes ; but how are you going to 
light 'em ? " 

" Foot-lights," savs TOM PORCUPINE, as if nothing was easier. 

" All ! but where?" says PooDKL.'putting this as a poser. 

"On the ground," answers NIPPER, "of course;" while MR. 
SALMON looks from one to the other. 

"Let's have them gas, then," says PoonEL; "and can't we have 
gas at the wings ? ' 

SALMON rubs his chin thoughtfully. He is waiting to hear the 
opinion of the lady of the house. 

"Easily run a gutta percha tube," says PORCUPINE, "alon^the floor 
from some gaslight on the stairs, and you can have a row of 'em." 

" Or take up a board, eh ? " suggests NIPPER. " You can easily do 
that, MR. SALMON ''. " 

"Oh, lor', yes, Sir," answers MR. SALMON, looking at his man, who 
scratches the back qt his neck with his foot-rule, ana nods assent in a 
grumpy manner, as if letting in gas under boards or pulling down a 
wall for the sake of a footlignt. was merely child's play to him. 

"Hey, what?" exclaims Mil. MACAW, suddenly arriving on the 
scene (from the City). " Gas and gutta percha ? Hey ? What 's 
this ? " (To be Continued) 


WONDERFUL psycho- 

physiological disco- 
very has been made 
by an anonymous 
philosopher. He 
thus enunciates it 
amongst a series of 
objections to phre- 
nology, advanced, in 
an unfavourable re- 
view of a work on 
that subject, in the 
Morning Post ; 

" Matter, active 
and inert, cannot ar- 
range itself; it is only 
set in order by its co- 
existent colleague, 
spirit, endowed with 
properties as multi- 
farious as its own. 
Varieties of these are 
conveyed by different 
agencies into the 
human frame, to per- 
form their vital func- 
tions. Some of them 
ascend by the vertebral tissues into the brain, and select the cells in which 

which can be taken of phrenology, and may serve to account for the cases by 
which its advocates maintain that their opinions are confirmed." 

Let us try and construe so much of the foregoing extract as we need 
in order to be enabled to see precisely how profound is its meaning. 

Varieties of properties of spirit are conveyed by different agencies 
into the human frame to perform their vital functions. Whose vital 
functions P The vital functions of the different agencies, or the vital 
functions of the varieties of properties of spirit themselves their own 
vital properties ? Not the vital functions of the human frame ; our 
philosopher says their," not "its." We have accordingly to form to 

selves distinct ideas of the vital functions of an agency, and also of : that this sage has settled phrenologyVliash 

the vital functions of a property, both, if we can ; if we cannot, then, if 
possible, clearly to conceive the vital functions of either a property or 
an agency. Having made sense of both, or either, we shall have little 
difficulty in making further sense of the vital functions of different 
agencies, and of the vital functions of varieties of properties, or else of 
the vital functions of the former or the latter, as the case may be. We 
may, however, consider, without much fear of being mistaken, that 
these several vital functions are on the whole pretty much alike and 
equally intelligible. 

The next proposition which we have to master is, that varieties of 
properties of spirit, conveyed by different agencies into the human 
frame, ascend by the vertebral tissues into the brain. Of course the 
author of this statement knows that the vertebral tissues are the com- 
ponent parts of the vertebra; or bones which united constitute the 
backbone or vertebral column, and he means to say that varieties of 
the properties of spirit climb up into the brain by this ladder. (Do they 
begin to climb at the os coccyyis ?) 

The divine WILLIAMS avers, by the mouth of Falsta/, of " a good 
sherris sack," that it "ascends me into the brain; . . . makes it appre- 
hensive, quick, forgetive, full of nimble, fiery, and delectable shapes." 
Our antiphrenological reviewer's varieties of spirit behave in some 
measure like sack. They ascend me into the brain ; but then they do 
me more than filling it with the shapes which Fahtaff mentions. They 
select the cells in which they develop the perceptions of sense and the 
faculties of mind. What an astonishing selection is this, made by 
varieties of properties of spirit ! But that is not all. The spheres of 
the productive energy of these varieties of properties of spirit expand 
by action. We have only to picture to the mind's eye this easily 
imaginable process. The spheres arc, of course, cerebral cavities, of a 
spherical form, in which the varieties of properties of spirit exert their 
productive energy, making the spheres expand. In expanding they 
must necessarily raise the overlying portions of the cranium beneath 
which they work ; that is, of course he means, are worked by varieties 
of properties of spirit. They could not expand without a corresponding 
expansion of the cranium. If the cranium did not expand, the 
expansive force of the varieties of properties of spirit would occasion 

It will be very mean and shabby of the College of Surgeons if that 
learned body do not, in the interests of science, award a gold medal to 
the anonymous discoverer of the cerebral spheres, which, expanded by 
the action of varieties of properties of spirit, expand portions of the 
cranium which those properties work under, thus suggesting the only 
rational view that can be taken of phrenology. Is it necessary to say 


APRIL 17, 1869.] 




HE there- such creatures as shy yonng 
men still to IK- found by enterprising 
naturalists ? Perhaps the species is 
not wholly extinct : here ni. -, 
a specimen may be discovi 
country towns where they have one 
public ball, for the benefit of the 
Dispensary, and three private dances 
to amuse them in the winter months, 
the assembling of the Yeomanry once 
in three years, in May, and an an- 
nual pleasure fair and water-party 
as summer entertainments. Do we 
address any who are diffident, but 
barely provided with conversation 
in their intercourse with the diviner 
sex, particularly with the younger 
angels, grouping on gala occasions 
with other youth in corners and 
doorways, and not emitting a bril- 
liant light in, dining- and drawing 

There is hope for such as these, 
there is something better than the 
" conversational sofa " mentioned a 
se'nnight or two back there is a 
professor, rather a professoress, of 
the talking art who removes shy- 
ness, extracts diffidence, and com- 
pletely eradicates all nervous awkwardness. But they will have to 
go to America to be cured to thriving Chicago, where, according to 
///// Star, a young woman advertises that she will "give 
lessons in etiquette, and the way of conversing with ladies, to any 
young gentleman who does not feel at ease in the society of the oppo- 
. Tuition to lovers, extra." If the " young woman," who is 
reported to have been "quite successful," will come over to England 
after she has finished her lessons in America, she will be welcomed 
almost as heartily as MR. LOTIIROP MOTLET, have an immense class 
of pupils, and go back to Chicago, there to spend a happy old age in 
the possession of a handsome competence and first-rate testimonials. 
But is not the interference with lovers of doubtful propriety, especially 
if t.lie young woman is good looking, or, to use the language of the 
plarmlin^ papers, "of a highly prepossessing exterior" r We leave 
this to Congress, 

As MR. MOTLEY, the successor to MB. REVERDY JOHUSON, who 
deserves our kindest farewells, is likely to be a good deal talked about, 
it may be as well that you should know something of his picturesque 
Dutch Histories (WILLIAM the " Silent" will at last be dragged into 
conversation) if only of the title-pages ; and having correspondents in 
New York and Boston, it will not be strange if you express a wish 
that this distinguished man of letters may help on cheap ocean 

Further, mindful of your parting promise to MARIAN WINTHORPE 
when she went to stay with her aunt at Clayworth a village purely 
agricultural, and not possessing many objects of interest to send her 
two or three numbers of The Echo at a time, you are sure to stand up 
(and sometimes sit down) in Spciety, for cheaper book-postage at home ; 
which subject, or one akin to it, appears to have attracted attention in 
other places besides the House of Commons, one of the learned Societies 
having been amusing itself with a paper on "an Envelope in the Cubic 
Correspondence of Points." (Another paper being entitled "The 
Invariants of a Pair of Conies," we are daily looking out for an 
announcement in the Tirrifs that among the latest additions to the 
Zoological Gardens are " a Pair of Conies," presented by the Nawab 
of Nagpore.) 

Talk as you please on the question of Life Peerages (here 's a health 
to LORDS LAWRENCE and PENZAMCE), for you are not very likely to 
arouse angry passions on that topic ; but be cautious what you say on 
the subject of opening Public Museums and Galleries on Sundays. 
(Were you not sorry for MR. BRUCE when you read that in one day he 
" received three deputations, and had to listen to no fewer than twenty- 
five speeches on the Sunday Question?" He ought to have his 
salary substantially raised if he has to go through such sufferings as 
these frequently.) Not because you have any doubt that they ought 
to be opened, and that they will be opened, but because it is always 
desirable, when you are enjoying exquisite savours, and flavours, and 
vintages, and the company of fair women, to avoid anything like argn- 1 
ment or dispute; and as there might be some one present engaged in 
the liquor trade, or largely interested in publichouse property, or a 
believer in the fitness of allowing no recreation on Sunday, except 
what may be derived from successive quarterns of highly sophisticated 
gin, do not, at all events, rouse the subject. But if you find that your 
neighbour thinks as you do, ask him if it is not surprising that those 

of us who can go to Trafalgar Square and South Kensington any day 
we like in the six, and irardrn*, and 

well cooked dinners nii<! 
wish to deny a p!' 
siderable part of tli' 
of monotonous wen 

whose home is in 11 sullen, stifling court, and whose only c 
seeing something that shall amuse : i perhaps 

lies in a rcfnniieil, but nut a re* 
speaking here of the opening of Free N 
something might be said in rt Crystal Palace ter 


OP all the types in a printer's hand, 
Commend me to the Amperzand, 
For he 's the gentleman, (seems to me) 
Of the typographical companie. 

my nice little Amperzand, 

My graceful, swanlike Amperzand. 
Nothing that CADMUS ever planned 
Equals my elegant Amperzaud ! 

He's never bothered, like A. B. C. 

In Index, Guide, and Dircctorie : 

lie 's never stuck on a Peeler's coat, 

Nor hung to show where the folks must vote. 

No, my nice little Amperzaud, 

My plump and curly Amperzand. 

When I 'n a pen in a listless hand, 

1 'in always making an Ampemod ! 

Many a letter your writers hate, 

Ugly (/, with his tail so straight, 

.r, that makes you cross as a bear, 

And j:, that helps you with zouns to swear. 

But not my nice little Amperzand, 

My easily dashed off Amperzand, 

Any odd shape folks understand 

To mean my Protean Amperzand ! 

Nothing for him that 's starch or stiff, 

Never he 's used in scold or tiff. 

State epistles, so dull and grand, 

Mustn't contain the shortened and. 
No, my nice little Amperzand, 
You 're good for those who 're jolly and bland, 
In days when letters were dried with sand 
Old frumps wouldn't use my Amperzand ! 

But he is dear in old friendship's call, 

Or when love is laughing through lady-scrawl : 

" Come cj- dine, <} have oachelor's fare." 

" Come, fy I '11 keep yon a Round fy Square." 

Yes, my nice little Amperzand 

Never must into a word expand, 

Gentle sign of affection stand, 

My kind, familiar Amperzand. 

" Letters Five do form his name : " 

His, who Millions doth teach and tame : 

If 1 could not be in that Sacred Band, 

I 'd be the affable Amperzand. 
Yes, my nice little Amperzand, 
And when P. U.X.C.H. is driving his five-in-hand, 
I 11 have a velocipede, neatly planned 
In the shape of a fly-away Amperzand. 

Hattention ! 

MEMBERS who find it a sell to discover some other M.P.'s hat on a 
favourite seat, and who wish to know how to act under the circum- 
stances, are recommended to go into the Library and consult " Hat- 
sell's Precedents of Proceedings in the House of Commons." Or they 
might take the opinion of the Law Officers of the Crown. 

nuces ; " i. e., Scatter their nuts right and left. 



[APRIL 17, 1869. 






Mrs. Colbley (very intelligent woman, Mrs. C.). " AH, I CALL THAT SO'THIN' LIKE A GRAND 

Oriental is not in the aggregate easily moved, 
and, least of all, by an infidel show ; and although 
here were graceful salutations by upraised hands, 
and the most respectful attitude on the part of 
,he multitude, drawn up as if by order on both 
aides of the tortuous streets, not a sign of admi- 
ration at the fine sight, or of any emotion at the 
aspect of the unusual uniforms, could be detected 
in their faces." 

The contrast between this unmoved gra- 
vity on the part of the Egyptian Public, 
with the demonstrative enthusiasm towards 
illustrious personages in procession usually 
manifested oy the British, no doubt afforded 
diversion to Her Majesty's Heir Apparent. 
Heartiness is one of the many high qualities 
in which the sight-seeing multitude of Eng- 
land excels every other people in the whole 
world, perhaps not even except the American. 
The graceful salutations by upraised 
hands" witnessed by DR. RUSSELL, "as 
our Prince's carriage, preceded by outriders 
in scarlet and gold, and by mounted cavasses 
in full uniform, slowly passed out into the 
street," were doubtless the expressions of 
Oriental reverence, but as little can it be 
questioned that those other hands by which 

there were hats and caps raised " pertained 
to sojourners in the land of Egypt, natives 
of another land, countrymen, indeed, of the 
PRINCE OF WALES, and individuals of 
exactly the like class with those who com- 
monly figure, performing the like acts, in 
the woodcuts representative of similar occa- 
sions in the Illustrated London News. Those 
of the spectators from whom " a few cheers 
were heard" were of course the same 
persons, or at least belonged to the same 
magnanimous nation. 

Let cold-blooded aristocrats eulogise the 
stolid apathy of Oriental dullards, and call it, 
if they will, dignified courtesy but Britons 
will continue to nourish their hats and caps 
in testimony to the pageant which excites 
their ardent and irrepressible admiration, to 
hail its exalted yet condescending hero with 
successive cheers, and respond to his frequent 
obeisances right and left with shouts of 


THE PHINCE OF WALES must have been amused when, the other day, his Royal Highness 
went in state from the new Palace at Cairo to the old, thereat to honour with his presence 
the levte of ISMAIL PASHA. Thus writes the Special Correspondent of the Times: 

" There was a considerable crowd outside the Palace railings as the Prince's carriage, preceded by out- 
riders in scarlet and gold, and by mounted cavasses in full uniform, slowly passed out into the street to 
the sound of the Koyal salute, and there were hats and caps raised, and a few cheers were heard ; but the 


MR. JOHN LOTHROP MOTLEY, the delight- 
ful historian, is likely, we are told, to come 
here as the new representative of the United 
States. He will oe welcome he is well 
remembered in fact, we do " wear Motley 
in our Brain." But Mr. Punch hopes that 
something in the shape of an English tribute 
will be offered to that kindly hearted gen- 
tleman, MR. REVERDY JOHNSON, before he is 
allowed to go away. He has been assiduously 
doing his best to create the international 
sympathy which we desire to believe exists, 
and if ever a man came under the provi- 
sions of the beatitude about peace-makers, 
MR. JOHNSON is the man. " Welcome the 
coming, speed the parting guest" is an 
admirable social rule, but there will be less 
good speed than haste, if we let MR. JOHNSON 
drive off without our kind regards tied up in 
as large a parcel as he would like to add to 
his luggage. 

Reform your Sailors' Bills. 

WRITING upon naval retrenchment, as 
proposed by MR. CORRY, a contemporary 
observes that there are " mountains of red 
tape," and the like impeding obstacles, for 
him to surmount. But what are mountains 
to a man who has the staff of Punch to help 
him ? Be they high as Alps, all that Punch 
need say to vanquish them is merely this : 
"/, Corry,pfrAlpes!" 

APRIL 17, 1869.] 







MONDAY, April 5. There be divers Formosas, or Formosa, including 
the winner oi the last Oaks. One of them is an island in Chinese 
waters, where the people don't seem to like Presbyterians, and where 
this singular repugnance was recently illustrated by an attack upon 
some native converts to Johnknoxism. To correct this weakness on 
the part of the islanders, " the inevitable English gunboat " came up. 
and LIEUTENANT GURDON, her commander, in the most gallant and 
skilful manner attacked a Chinese fort, slew some dozen of the bigoted 
Formosans, and made the authorities pay the expenses of their chastise- 
ment. But as we have arranged with China that she is to be treated 
like other civilised nations (a gracious concession, as she had colleges, 
institutions, and all sorts of refinements, while our own respected an- 
cestors wore nothing but woad), we have apologised, removed the 
Vice-Consul who called up the secular power, and sent the money back. 
The difficulty is laid to the Missionaries, whom we shall certainly have 
to ticket and license, one of these days. LORD SHAFTESBURY hoped 
that they would take the excellent advice that had been given them to 
be particularly careful. Where is that Cassowary? China is not 
Tiniouctoo, we know, but the moral 's the same. 

The Commons partially discussed the Bankruptcy Bill, and MR. 
JESSKL delivered an elaborate speech thereon. As nobody who care- 
fully reads Punch, and acts up to his teaching, can ever be in any 
difficulties, pecuniary or otherwise, the topic may soon be dismissed 
here. The general object of the Bill is to let the creditors settle 
matters with the bankrupt, by which plan they will get at a lot of his 
property, if he has any, instead of a very little, as now. We also dis- 
cussed the Bill for the Abolition of Imprisonment for Debt. The only 
point really at issue is whether the County Courts should be able tc 
do with the small debtor what no Courts, except in strong cases ol 
fraud, are to do with the big one. The usual phrase about one law foi 
the rich and another for the poor, was of course brought into play, bul 
it is urged in iinswer that the poor must have credit, and that the 
tradesman will not give it unless he has a hold on the person of him 

who is usually without property, and of whom the Scotch humanely 

" If he hare not gold to fine, 
He hai shin* to pine." 

Apropos whereof, Ptutch would much like to make the Tally-man's debt 
irrecoverable. This fellow goes, in the husband's absence, and tempts 
the wife into extravagance, by the offer of credit, and nuarrels and 
misery are the result. Husbands should cry " tally ho ! when they 
see him skulking off, and set any dogs on him that may be at hand ; 
and if there is nothing with four legs ready, a three-legged stool may 
be dispatched with the happiest result. 

Tuetday. The Lords polished off the Habitual Criminals Bill. There 
is no mistake about this bold and salutary measure. It carries the 
war into the enemy's country, and wages it by no means as the DOKI 
used to wage war, or as if it were a Civil War. There will be small 
choice for rascaldom. Honesty, or emigration, are the alternatives, i 
the law be worked vigorously. The great lawyers see the necessity foi 
it, and it is to be hoped that the Commons will not listen to the smal 
lawyers, and other small folks who will make a clamour about the un 
English practice of asking a scoundrel, with a mask and jimmy, whaf 
he happens to mean by being near your door at midnight. 

CAPTAIN ARCIIIJALL is, and has been for thirty years, the Conscrva 
tive Member for Fermanagh, which is in Ireland. He gave notice tha 
on the third reading of the Irish Church Bill, he should move that it 
provisions extend to the Church of England and the Kirk of Scotland 
First, says the Conservative Standard, there were cheers, then there 
was laughter, and lastly there was a kind of puzzled silence. Thi 
puzzle we are not careful to put together, but there be various sorts o 
silence, and that which succeeds laughter is not of the kind most to be 
coveted by a speaker. 

MR. GRAVES, Conservative Member for Liverpool, introduced, m a 
able speech, an important question. Why do we pay the English post- 
office so much for carrying newspapers and other printed matter, when 
on the Continent and in America people pay so little ? It is cheaper 
said MR. MUNDELLA, to post a circular in Palermo, in Sicily, for Aber 



[APRIL 17, 1869. 

deen, in Scotland, than to post it in the Strand for the House of Com- 
mons. Companies can deliver, for Eight and Ninepence, a thousand 
circulars, for delivering which the MARQUIS OF HARTINGTON charges 
4. '&.i. 4rf. Of course, figures do not prove everything, and the speed 
and certainty of our own system are most valuable. The official answer 
is Revenue. This, however, was the answer when SIB ROWLAND 
HILL'S penny postage scheme was started. Another answer is that 
Letters are the first consideration, and that they could not be delivered 
as rapidly as at present if printed matter came in avalanches. But this 
is a detail, and will not do for Mr. P-unch. The idea of there being 
any difficulty, of a mechanical sort, in these days, is preposterous. 
While on this topic, why are Letters much more heavily taxed than 
print? It costs as much to send an envelope, inscribed " All right," 
as 19 send ten closely printed pages of a daily paper. With the Budget 
in view, of course there was no chance of immediate success for ME. 
GRAVES, and the Previous Question was moved. Then MB. GLAD- 
STONE, knowing that there were numbers of new Members present, 
obligingly rose and delivered a little lecture explanatory of this form. 
He apprised the novices that the vote for the Previous Question only 
meant to signify that this was not the moment to settle the matter. 
MR. GRAVES was resolute, and took the division, getting 62 against 
229. We shall hear a good deal more on this subject. 

Then the House minded or mound (if you want a new verb) its 
own business that is, its own want of accommodation for its Mem- 
bers. We never intrude in matters that do not concern us, but mention 
that MR. HEADLAM said that one of the great charms of the House 
was the graceful social relations between its Members, whose friend- 
ships were not likely to be promoted by fights for seats; that LORD 
ELCHO found a pair of dogskin gloves in his usual place, which articles 
being put there against prayer-time, he called Devotional Dogskin ; 
and that MR. GLADSTONE was calmly cynical, and in replying to the 
argument that new Members would attend in large numbers, observed 
that the same thing was said at the time of the first Reform Bill, but 
the attendance soon dropped off. 

A Select Committee was appointed on the Enclosure of Wisley 
Common. Mr. Punch detests the enclosure of Commons, and is more- 
over informed, on good authority, that this business is a device to shut 
out the public from one of the prettiest and wildest places within 
twenty miles of London. The Members most nearly interested in the 
matter never opened their lips in the debate. Mr. Punch regrets to 
add that they are all Liberals. If the Wisley Enclosure can be de- 
feated, he will have spoken Wisly, but not too well only exactly well 

Wednesday. Nothing of interest, except the able maiden speech of 
MR. KAVANAGH, a gentleman, whose victory over physical malforma- 
tion is one of the most remarkable triumphs of will. 

Thursday. Poor LORD REDESDALE continues to be haunted by the 
Coronation Oath, and gave notice that he meant to ask whether 
Government intended to have it altered. It is odd that so shrewd a 
man of business a man whose eye darts through and through the 
most elaborate swindles of railway folks should be so dull in this 
simple matter. We incline to appeal to his pride. Ought not a 
man to be ashamed of holding the same superstition as GEORGE TEE 


By Jove ! MRS. GRUNDY, M'm, he takes a Penny off the Income- 
Tax, one of the two pennies which were laid on by KING THEODORE. 

Also, he abolishes the shilling duty on Foreign Com, and the Poor 
will benefit. 

Also, Fire Assurance Duty, after Midsummer. 

He modifies the taxes on Locomotion, and specially makes so huge a 
reduction of the duty on Cabs, that a bad cab ought never to be seen 

Payment for a Licence to sell Tea is to be done away, as a sacrifice 
in honour of Temperance. 

Hair Powder is to fly free. 

What do you say to that, M'm ? Reads well, doesn't it ? Parlia- 
mentary Magic, the HONOURABLE CHANCELLOR called it. " Rough 
Magic," M'm, as Prosperp observes. How do you think MR. LOWE 
gets at the means of doing all these noble tilings ? Thus, respected 

The Assessed Taxes are at present collected in a clumsy manner, 
and by instalments. Henceforth they are to be in the nature of Excise 
Licences, and are to be collected by trained and disciplined Govern- 
ment officers, who will exact them to the last farthing. Moreover, 
they are all to be levied in January, in a lump, and we are to pay them 
all at once. MR. LOWE says that the poor hate being often bothered 
for taxes, and the rich like to pay once and have done with it. But 
how about those who are neither very one nor very t'other, and how 
will they like being called on for a year's taxes in a lump ? 

By this means, and with the aid of MESSRS. CARD WELL and CHILDERS' 

heroic savings in Army and Navy, Abyssinia and all is set straight, 
and we shall have a surplus of 442,000. MR. BOBBLO'S tour deforce 

is brilliant. So was not his speech, but he gave us two characteristic 
bits, one in which he condoled with his predecessor because the right sort 
of old people didn't die, to increase the succession duties, though use- 
less old folks were falling right and left ; and the other in reply to a 
question. He said that if a man married in April, and his matrimonial 
speculation was unfortunate, and he hanged himself on or before the 
29th of December, he would not be asked to pay taxes. The quaint 
Budget, quaintly expounded, was received with favour. 

Friday. The Hudson's Bay Company sells all its happy hunting- 
grounds to Canada. It is quite right that the sale should be made, 
but we are bound to say that the screw was put on in a way that would 
have done credit to the most accomplished artist in thumbikius. 

EARL RUSSELL spoke ably on Life Peers. He would allow the 
Crown to make 4 per annum, and would enact that there should not 
be more than 28 altogether. 

The Commons passed the Bill for protecting the poor dear Sea Birds. 
The Scotch fishermen, who got up a deal of canny interest inibehalf 
of their right to murder the creatures, were kicked down-stairs. 

MR. FAWCETT, again persisting in taking a division, against the 
advice of his leaders, got a signal defeat recorded for the Competitive 
System. There was nothing else of much consequence, except that 
MR. HUNT managed to irritate the PREMIER into " much warmth and 
vehemence," and to elicit from him the declaration, that he was still 
desirous to tax Charities. MR. DISRAELI was, of course, deprecatory 
a plain business question should not be answered with a torrent of 
taunts. We have all been so dreadfully affable, hitherto, that it is 
refreshing to see that men have got their swords about them. 


" Put that in your pipe and smoke it." 

A LONG time 'tis now since I 've looked in the glass, 

But I feels I be ruddle all oaver the veass, 

I blushes and colours as red as you zee. 

For shame that us farmers sitch rude clowns should be. 

Commiss'ners of Inland Revenny remarks 

As how we insults and opposes their clerks, 

A gwaiun their rounds 'mongst the yeomen and squires, 

Agricultural statistics as comes and requires. 

To gie infurmation and git a new tax 

We 'm too much afeard when our answer is " Ax ! " 

Too loth for 'urn out on us sacrcts to screw, 

" What odds ? " in replyun, or " What 's that to you ? " 

And then to disclose our affairs we refuse, 
Although the best time to chastise us they choose, 
The summer, when all we 've to look to 's mere play ; 
No moor nor to watch lads and lasses make hay. 

Wi" pipes in our mouths whilst we zets in the shade, 
Beholdun youth daancun and rompun wi' maid, 
Wi' nothun to mind, and wi' much time to spare, 
To stand 'zamination the time is that there. 

" Good gentlemun welcome," our spache ought to be, 
" We 're quite at your sarvous, at laisure and vree, 
What questions you likes ask ; we '11 lend you a ear, 
And gie you true answers ; zet down : ha' zome beer. 

" Don't think we be busy wi' hoss or wi' cart, 
By no manes, mun, nothun not now o' that sart, 
'Tis haymakun time, and you wun't do no wrong, 
By keepun o' we talkun all the day long." 

Was we up in London, myzelf, mates, and you. 
And had need to Zummerzet House for to goo, 
And question them just when they 'd got most to write, 
For all they was busy they 'd still be perlite. 

They 're called civil sarvunts, the rason for why 
Is their always gieun a civil reply ; 
Which shows us a pattern what answers to gie 
At hay-harvust when they comes questionun we. 

Their Guardian Angel. 

Miss BUHDETT COUTTS has been nominated one of the Guardians 
for Bethnal Green. Of course she will be elected by acclamation. But 
the office and title will not be new to her, for she has long been the 
Guardian of the Poor. 

t THE CONTROLLER OP THE MINT." The Greengrocer. 




-APRIL 17, isco. 



APRIL 17, 1869.] 




Pull Mull iin:,'lie t as i illustration of 
" provincial flankcyism," thus refers to 
an aifocting example of humility : 

" Thf Wilt.-hire papers give us a full 
account of the proceeding! at 'a grand 
it tiy a Choral Society at Wilton, 
where XI 11. GLADSTONE has been on a visit 
t., \.\K\ ii> KIII-.UT OF LEA, into whose 
genlle, keeping the adjoining domain, 
together with the allegiance of the towns- 
, hus fallen fur the ; " local 

1 on this occasion was 
overpowering. The EEV. D. Ou.ivim 
declared that it was a very memorwu 
occasion, for they had been honoured 
with the presence of the I'KI.MIIK "i 
this fjri'at country ; and he thought a 
portion of the school fund might be used 
to place a brass-plate where ME. GLAD- 
STONE had that evening sat." " 

It may be expedient to correct a possible misapprehension of one of 
the preceding statements: "The local incense expended on this 
occasion was overpowering." Consideration of the fact that the 
it's late hostess is the widow of one of Ma. GLADSTONE'S old 
theological and political associates, and one of those fashionable ladies 
who have passed from High Anglicanism into the Romish persuasion, 
to which her Ladyship is one of the most zealous converts, might make 
some stupid people imagine that the "local incense expended" on the 
occasion of his presence actually consisted of sacrificial perfumes 
exhaled by fire in glorification of a Minister asserted by wild Protes- 
tants to be swayed by Romanists' influence. Let them know, then, 
that incense, in the foregoing connection, means no more than what 
butter and soap mean in the mouths or the manuscript of low persons. 
The Rev. DR. OLLIVIKH, we may be quite sure, would never think of 
Cfnsing persons or things uncanonically ; would certainly under no 
circumstances cense a layman like MB. GLADSTONE. But his notion 
of fixing a plate of brass to do honour unto the Prime Minister's place 
was perhaps a little excess of that natural lowliness which a priest 
might exercise, with a will, in saluting his ecclesiastical sovereign's 


THE following charming piece of biography appeared in the police 
reports of the same day with the debate on the Habitual Criminals Bill. 
Readers may think that some little extra remedy for certain social evils 
is wanted : 

" SEHOEANT DOWDELL, 12 F, said the prisoner kept a house which was let 
out in lodgings to expert and well-known thieves, and she assisted them in 
carrying oil' and disposing of the stolen property. One of her sons waa a ticket- 
of-leave man. and two of her daughters were convicted in this court, and 
1 1'iieh I- i ,-hi < n months' imprisonment, with two other persons, who 
were respectively sentenced to seven and ten years' penal servitude for rob- 
beries from the person. Witness and SERGEANT ACKHELL had also had two 
jierr-iiiH eonvicted to penal servitude from this house, and the prisoner was 
known to be one of the worst receivers in London. She ostensibly kept a bird 
(hop, but it was nothing but a blind for the reception of stolen property." 

All the lessons which law sought to impress by the above treatment 
of the interesting family were lost upon the prisoner, and she waxed 
over-bold and came to grief. When we get the new Bill, we hope to 
see her lodgers, the " expert and well-known thieves," and some of 
her customers in similar trouble. Meantime the amiable bird-seller is a 

A Cornish Lord. 

THE Judge in Divorce is very deservedly raised to the Peerage. Sni 
JAMKS WII.HK takes a Cornish title, p.nd is LORD PENZANCE. We 
might think that, considering his Lordship's special avocation, another 
Cornish title, Lord St. Keyne of the Well, might have been as appro- 
priate. But that is his business. He arrives in the House of Lords in 
capital time, just as that tribunal has to take a most important Divorce 
case, " State v. Establishment, (falsely called Lady Church of Ireland) 
and others," and we believe that he has a strong opinion that the 
petitioner has a good case, on the ground of incompatibility. 


Go to the Zoological Gardens, if you want to enjoy them, always for 
choice, on a very wet day. In your water-proofer, and under your 
umbrella, you will then have room, without inconvenience or obstruc- 
tion, to see the wild beasts fed. 


(An Old Fogeift Lament.) 

GOOD Gracious ! what terrible times I 've lived into ! 

Revolution seems knocking at everyone's door! 
Each day brings ita call some new faith to give in to, 

Each day makes its business some old one to floor. 

Not a pillar of trust I once clung to, but's broken : 
Not a key-stone of faith but they d loose in my creed : 

My watch-words as texts for coarse mock'ry are taken, 
And my beacons called will-of-thc-wisps, to mulead. 

I was born a True Blue, I was brought up a Tory ; 

Trained to liute ! . Lev'llcrs, and Rads : 

To drink " Church and State," and think PITT England's glory ; 

To believe Frenchmen fools, and lump Lib'ruls with cads. 

I 've lived to see Tories bring in Household Suffrage, 
Ami, witli DKKIIY fur guide, in the dark take a leap ; 

When the mob Hyde Park railings tore down in their rough rage, 
llnrse or foot-guards I saw not : I saw WALPOLB weep. 

I 've known Vested Rights aye of old Corporations- 
Walked a-top of not only by FORSTER and Lowi ! 

I've seen bureaucratic French Centralisation's 
Rude hand at Self-government's ark deal its blow. 

That " whate'er is, is right," ancient wisdom would tell us : 
That " whate'er is, is wrong," now for wisdom is known : 

And things they call "rights of the million" compel us, 
To say, men mayn't do what they like with their own ! 

An Englishman's house, of old time, was his castle, 
Now that house by Inspectors and Boards is controlled, 

Till JOHN BULL that was once Lord of Law as Law's vassal, 
finds e'en his own homestead no longer his hold ! 

Once we stuck to old ways, howe'er slushy or skew ones : 
But now the old ways we must curb, drain, and mend ; 

And be thankful if old aren't abandoned for new ones, 
As taking, forsooth, shorter cuts to their end ! 

"Twixt the rogue and the rope we once planted as buffer, 
A maxim of that " perfect wisdom," our law 

"Better ten guilty 'scape, than one innocent suffer;" 
But new-light State doctors "ont changi tout ce/a." 

If a poor wretch, of theft twice convicted, should blunder 

Into backyard or area, his purpose we doubt ; 
And harshly inferring he ' come there for plunder, 

A meddling police force his ears bring about ! 

Once 'twas said of a fellow whose name had a handle, 
He was born with a silver-gilt spoon in his mouth ; 

But now to promote one's relation 's a scandal 
Younger sons, who won't work, must face hunger and drouth ! 

Examiners' barriers, at backstairs are planted, 
And family tickets won't pass people through ; 

Though 'tis high birth that wants, or low berth that is wanted, 
There "s but one road the cram-road for snobs and for you ! 

Time was, when in Ireland the Protestant pastor, 
Could flourish his crook in the Romanist's face, 

And the hatred of creed proclaimed which Church was master, 
More plainly than even the hatred of race : 

Now GLADSTONE, of Church and State once the defender, 
And Champion a I'otitrance, through thick and through thin, 

Of Irish-Church income proclaims the State spender, 
And 'mong Papists and madmen shares Protestant tin ! 

In short, life 's a series of painful surprises, 

And Society clean topsy-turvey is whirled : 
Why call in JOHN BRIGHT to Americanise us, 

When Tories turn traitors, to new-make the world ? 

Why seek the Antipodes F Only stay quiet- 
As the drunken man did, while the houses swam round 

And we'll find ourselves set, thanks to change's mad riot, 
With our heels to the sky, and our heads to the ground ! 

AN AGREEABLE SURPRISE. ME. LOWB will go dowii to posterity 
as the author of a Surprise Budget. He may be said to have sur- 
prised everybody by Lowe-ring taxation. 



[APRIL 17, 1869. 


A GOOD many inquiries have recently been made as to the 
whereabouts of an estimable young nobleman, named 
EDWARD HENRY LORD STANLEY, born 1826, who has 
filled several important State offices, and did not speak m 
the Irish Church debate, but gave a silent vote against the 
Bill. For the information of all who are anxious about 
him, or who have advertised that if he will apply at 
Downing Street lie shall be treated as one of the family, 
we reprint an official intimation which has appeared in the 
Conservative organ, the Standard : 

" We will allow that it is a great public misfortune that LORD 
CLARENDON, instead of LORD STANLEY, should hold the seals 
of the Foreign Office. We confess that the noble Lord might 
command his own terms from the present Government, and 
might have done the same at any time during the last ten years. 
Yet, notwithstanding all this, * * * It is perfectly true 
that existing combinations cannot last for ever. No combina- 
tion could be more unnatural and more precarious than that 
which leagues together .the members of a Ministry like the 
present ; which unites Papists and Presbyterians, Dissenters and 
Infidels, Ritualists and Secularists, by the sole bond of a common 
animosity ; which seats MR. BRIGHT and MR. LOWE on the 
same bench, and induces the chiefs of the great territorial fami- 
lies of Whiggery to serve side by side with men who avow semi- 
socialist doctrines in respect to landed property, and are 
shrewdly suspected of thinking much more in that direction 
than they yet care to avow." 

We do not quite understand how LOUD STANLEY could 
have commanded his own terms from "the present" 
Government at any time during the last ten years, because 
the present Government came into office only in last 
December. But this may be a lapsus penrue,_ and the 
Standard may mean " any Government." The important 
part of the announcement is that LORD STANLEY believes 
that the present Government cannot last, and that he is 
ready to take office under MK. GLADSTONE'S successor. 
Very well, but we think he may have to wait and he can 
alford to do so, having, as we have said, been born in 1826. 



Street Boy (bursting with ecstasy)- " YOUR TBOWSIKS is A-COMIN' UNSEWED, SIR ! " 

Good Conduct. 

SIR, I don't know what time Magistrates get up. But 
I am no early riser, and yet I was up before a Magistrate 
twice kst week. Something wrong here. 

Yours, WINKER. 



WHICH is the better place wherein to spend a Sunday after- 
noon the South Kensington Museum or the bar-room of a beer-shop? 

You will agree with me, I think, in favour of South Kensington ; 
and yet I find your Lordship heading a deputation 'tother day to the 
Home Secretary, and, as its mouthpiece, talking nonsense, which the 
Times condenses thus : 

" LORD SHAPTESBUEY opened the subject in a very short speech, in which 
he declared that the people had the greatest and strongest possible objection 
to the opening of museums on Sundays, and there was no argument made use 
of for the opening of museums which would not equally apply to the opening 

of theatres. 


who are " the 

' The people," says your Lordship. 
people " ? Surely not those whom your Lordship introduced ? Your 
deputation, says the Times, "was composed mainly of people of the 
middle ckss, few artisans apparently were present." 

Now your Lordship surely knows that it is expressly for the artisans 
that the Government has been asked to open the Museums, and your 
deputation followed one which the Times says, was "composed of 
kona tide members of the artisan class," whose spokesman was a 
" Mister," and spoke his mind out thus : 

I' The sensible working-men of London could attest the necessity which 
exist* for other places being opened on that day besides churches, chapels, and 
public-houses ; and especially in the winter was this necessary ; for there was 
a craving among the people at large for intellectual cultivation, and in the 
winter this could only be satisfied by the study of the works of art now to all 
intents and purposes closed against the great mass of the people." 

From this your Lordship sees that there are other people whose 
tastes should^ be consulted, as well as those whom you are pleased 
to talk of as " the people." As a rule, men of the middle class, whose 
mouthpiece you were made, have many opportunities for leisure on a 

week-day, and therefore have no need to " desecrate the Sabbath " by 
studying the handicraft of Nature or Fine Art. 

But they surely have no business to call themselves " the people, 
and to arrogate the right of shutting the museums in the faces of their 
neighbours, whose only time for seeing them is Sunday afternoon, and 
to whom the only alternative left 9pen in the way of recreation is to 
sit and smoke, and swill in some crime-breeding public-house. 

Beseeching you in future, when you talk about " the people," to 
state clearly whom you mean, I have the honour to remain, your 
Lordship's humble Servant, 


DESPERATE, uncompromising Tories though we are, we own that 
we do not much like this advertisement in the Athenceum : 

THE PROPRIETOR of an influential and old-established Conser- 
vative Weekly Paper in a large and fashionable city, and to which is added 
a first-class and profitable Jobbing Business, &c. 

Well, well, we may be hypercritical, but why Jobbing Business ? It 
is not a pretty phrase. We, as a party, do understand jobbing, as it is 
vulgarly called, and it would be difficult for us to get on without it. 
But there is no sense in using ugly words. Why not say " unusual 
facilities for carrying out arrangements in the interest of personal and 
political friends ? " That reads so much nicer. 

A New League. 

THE tax on Armorial Bearings is to be increased. Those whom this 
proposal will affect are already up in arms against it, and think of 
making the Morning Herald the organ of their grievance. But they 
are not likely to find supporters, and if they come into conflict with 
MR. LOWE will issue from it crest-fallen, for this being one of his 
achievements, he cannot shield them. 

APRIL 17, 1869.] 




flooring could be taken up, and gas introduced as foot-lights, he was 
startled into verbal interference, and exclaimed, " Hallo ! what ' 

CHAPTER THE THIRTEENTH. -THE PREPARATIONS MR. SALMON, THE TOM PoRcvpiNE is immensely amused, but says nothing, waiting to 

COSTUMIER MR. PORPOISE THE PERRL'QUIER TM E PERFORMING SCB what Will HOW become of lllS mighty Original Suggestion. \\ A',',, 

SALMON PROFESSIONALLY roiii'iiisK DITTO BEHIND TUE who lias looked in to see how things are getting on, cannot resist the 


THE UNDERPLOT PROGRESSES. Oh, it s nothing, MB. MACAW," says this funny dog, "nothing 

at all : we 're just ar- 
ranging to take up 
the boards, introduce 
tubing for gas, run it 
up the walls inside 
(where it won't be 
seen), and bring it 
out in various jets, 
so as to light up 
the wings the side- 
scenes you know 
and also the top of 
the stage ; because in 
the great scene where 
there's a house on 

fire " 

MRS. MACAW thinks 
he is going too far, 
and interposes. She 
explains that what 
they are going to do 
in toe way of lighting 
is absolutely neces- 
sary ; which state- 
ment NIPPER and the 
rest corroborate, and 
MR. SALMON is ready 
to confirm it on oath. 
In a minute SALMON 
sees whose orders he 
has to take, and 
henceforth, ignoring 
the Master and Mis- 
tress, he looks to 
NIPPER, to whom 
he promises " new 
scenery, new dresses, 
first-rate lights, and 
everythink complete. 
You know me, MR. 

SALMON, the cos- 
tumier and purveyor 
of these portable 
theatres, lives in the 
midst of amateur 
theatricals, knows 
the costumes of all 
periods, theatrically, 
and those of the prin- 
cipal characters in 
every piece. It is 
improbable that he 
ever saw a play, as a 
spectator, from the 
front, or even as a 
professional assistant 
from the wings," 
his entire knowledge 
of all plays having 
been obtained from 
the dressing - rooms, 
where the little man 

should come in with 
such an abrupt, in- 
quiry as "What's 
this ? " in his own 
house, too, was un- 

who was more at 
home among his City 
friends and acquaint- 
ances, and even with 
tli rut only when dis- 
cussing business, was 
a quiet little man who 
went into and out of 
the East End regu- 
larly every day, as if 
by well-oiled machi- 
nery, leaving his door- 
step (he used to let 
himself out without 
the slightest noise) 
immediately after his 
breakfast at an early 
hour, and returning 
as quietly (he used to 
let himself in again) 
between five and six. 

He did not profess 
to understand his 
wife's fondness ' for 
theatricals and par- 
ties, but looked upon 
it, from his own point 
of view, as good for 

Strangers coming 
to the MACAWS' house 
(and there were al- 
ways a ;rreat number 
of people who had 
been " brought," and 
were as utterly un- 
known to their hosts, 
as their hosts to them) 
Strangers, I say, 
coming to the Macaw 
Saloons, would cau- 
tiously ask which was 
MR. MACAW, haying 
at first been peculiarly 
civil to the butler, 
under the impression 
that they were speak- 
ing to the head of the 

On these occasions 
there was no mis- 
taking MRS. MACAW. 
There was no mis- 
taking MRS. MACAW. 
There she stood in all 
her glory of feathers, 
false hair, real pearls, 
and diamonds. Such 
diamonds as even the 
Countess of Pen- 
guin (of Beak Castle, 
Wales, and Flapwing 
House, Twickenhamshire) who used to be at 



is invaluable. 

Of what the cha- 
racters do when they 
are dressed, 1 do not 
imagine he hat any 
idea. They leave him, 
to be made up by 

all parties ablaze with | MR. PORPOISE, the perrnquier, with whom both SALMON, whose chief 

jewellery, might well envy, as there is no doubt she did, for, methinks j business lies with hamachures," and DACE, who does the regular 
'twas the flashing of these sparklers that induced her Countesship to professional work, and is an artist in his own line, are on the best pos- 
invest in one of MR. MACAW s cent-per-cent. speculations. sible terms. 

MR. MACAW wisely left to his wife all the arrangements for the So SALMON was to undertake the stage, the lights, and dresses ; ALF 
gaieties in which she thought it necessary to indulge. But when he BOODEL, and one or two of his followers, were to go to DACE for their 
came in suddenly upon a discussion as to the facility with which bis costumes, and all to PORPOISE for the wigs and " make-ups. 



[APRIL 17, 1869. 

NIPPER and POODEL call together on PORPOISE. His shop is in a 
theatrical neighbourhood, and it is not improbable that you may actu- 
ally meet real actors (think of that !) coming out, or may pop in upon 
MR. BUCKSTONE, or even the great Ma. PHELPS trying on a wig ! ! 

Such happiness as this does sometimes fall to the lot of persistent 
amateurs. But though amateurs go to PORPOISE every day, the visits 
of actors, like those of angels, are few and far between that is, in these 
days of long runs and stupendous successes. 

It would be a base calumny to call PORPOISE a thin man, or even 
stoutish. MR. PORPOISE does not know what it is to be cold, and how 
there comes to be anything left of PORPOISE after a severely hot summer 
is next door to miraculous. PORPOISE moves himself about the shop, 
and about a room: he does not walk: indeed, I don't think that 
anyone ever yet saw his legs, which are generally behind a long white 
apron which lie wears, so to speak, theatrically ; that is, if you were to 
call a drama Porpoise, you would commence with such a stage direction 
as this : " Apron goes up : legs discovered, standing" 

PORPOISE has a wonderful memory : order after order is given 
verbally, every man singly, considering his the important case to which 
PORPOISE ought to give, if he knows his own interest, his whole and 
sole attention, and, with only an occasional memorandum of an address, 
not a lock of your wig that you were so careful in ordering, will be 
omitted, not a curl twisted the wrong way, not a hair but as your 
worship commanded it. NIPPER is most exacting : so is ALP POODEL. 
They both try several wigs, and make grimaces at themselves in the 
glass, PORPOISK not moving a muscle. If MR. PORPOISE is in a hurry, 
and has more important business to attend to, he will smile, approv- 
ingly, at the first face that either NIPPER, or ALF POODEL pulls j which 
admiration from such a man as PORPOISE (" PORPOISE, you know, who 
is intimate with all the professionals, and doesn't laugh at things 
unless they s re really good," as NIPPEB wisely puts it) decides either 
of them at once. 

" I think that '11 do for Peter Spriggins" remarks NIPPER, who 
generally chooses a close crop of light or red hair. 

" Couldn't be better, Sir," returns PORPOISE : whereupon ALP 
POODEL, who is tired of waiting for his turn with PORPOISE'S wigs, 
observes that if he (POODEL) was NIPPKR, lie should certainly fix on 
that wig for Spriygins. By which he delicately hints to NIPPER, you 
see, that he is not the only person in the world who can play Peter 

It is the same in, the dressing-room, where NIPPER, we '11 say, is 
waiting for POODEL'S face to be finished by Mu. PORPOISK. 

PORPOISE can get up a face capitally, if he gives his mind to it. 

His general rule (when he doesn't give lus mind to it, but works 
mechanically) may be stated thus : 

Young Gent, somebody's lover. Rub hare's-foot, with rouge, over 
cheeks, sharply but lightly. Powder the nose. Only takes half a 

" Shan't I black my eyebrows ? " inquires Young Gent, somebody's 
lover, not liking (o be dismissed in this abrupt manner. 

" If you like, Sir," says PORPOISE, more in sorrow than in anger ; as 
much as to say, " Well, black 'em if you like ; only a jolly guy you'll 
be when you've done it." 

So the Young Gent cedes his chair before the glass to some other 
character, and goes into a corner to consult a friend as to " how, he 
thinks, he does ; " with whose opinion, when given, he is of course 
more or less dissatisfied, and is subsequently found alone before a 
looking-glass in a separate dressing-room, surreptitiously blacking his 
eyebrows and moustache with burnt cork, which comes off on Clorinda's 
cheek when that kiss is given on the stage, of which they have been so 
shy during the rehearsals. 

Old Gent by MR. PORPOISE. White powder all over. Black line 
with thin paint-brush down each side of the nose. Little black of 
burnt cork rubbed into cheeks where the hollow should be. 

Three little lines at the corner of each eye. 

More lines on the forehead. Whitened eyebrows. 

" Grey 'air or scalp P " asks MR. PORPOISE. The Amateur replies by 
asking which he, PORPOISE, thinks the better. 

" You 're not to be too old, Sir ? " says PORPOISE, who hasn't an idea 
what the character is. 

" No, not too old," returns the Amateur, who beyond having learnt 
the words of the part, knows as much about the character as PORPOISE 

" Grey 'air, then Sir 's best," says PORPOISE, and fixes the wig 
adroitly on his customer's head. 

Guards, Noblemen, and Peasants, POUPOISE dismisses with a dab of 
rouge on each cheek, and a bold dash of burnt cork when moustachios 
are begged and prayed for. 

PORPOISE is a long time making up NIPPER, and NIPPER watches 
the operation closely. ALF POODEL stands by, and exclaims, after 
wai ing for two minutes and a half, "Hang it, NIPPER, You 'II do very 

ell. Never saw anything better. Now let me come, as I 've got to 

But NIPPER 's not to be hurried, and not a line 

of black, or a dab of red or white is to be omitted, simply because ALF 

POODEL won t have time for his own toilette. Sometimes PORPOISE, 

who never loses either his temper, presence of mind, or his comb, even 
under the most trying circumstances, will say to spmn old hand of an 
Amateur, who has been bothering him, "There, Sir, there's the hare's, 
foot and the indian ink, you can make yourself up, can't you, Sir ? " 
and flattered by this opinion of PORPOISE'S, the Amateur goes to work 
gingerly, and experiences much difficulty as to getting the candles 
right on either side of the glass. At the end of a quarter of an hour's 
screwing up his mouth, elevating and depressing his eyebrows, toning 
down a splotch of black which ought to have been a thin line, wiping 
offa quantity of powder which had made him too pale, rubbing off apatch 
of carmine which had made him too red, and having twice dipped the 
paint-brush in the gum by mistake for the water, he refers himself to 
PORPOISE, who. having painted, got up and done for an entire set of 
characters while he has been hard at work on only one face, and that 
his own, says without any show of triumph, 

" Sit down. Sir. Now what are you. Sir ? " 

" Sort of Brigand or Robber Captain," returns the Amateur, and 
in two minutes he leaves that chair the incarnation of scoundrelism ; 
that is, if burnt cork, indian ink and carmine go for anything. 

The Ladies have a great deal of consultation about their own dresses, 
and artistically match their colours.' They are so obliging to one 

" My dear," says MRS. BYRDE to KATE CHESSER, " if you like to 
wear the mauve, I '11 wear the pink." 

Then they discover that as they don't appear in the same scene 
together, each can be left to her own choice. 

So while they were all consulting about dresses, and lights, and 
make-ups, GOOSEY would be indefatigably practising the Brigand's 
song to Miss IDA'S accompaniment. 

Then came the great Dress Rehearsal, which was to have commenced 
at seven, but didn't till half-past eight, and when we only got through 
half the operetta, and everybody lost their temper, except the couple 
above-mentioned, who appeared thoroughly satisiied with everything 
and everybody. 

After which we had another Dress Rehearsal for the Farce and the 
remainder of MR. KYNG FYSCHER'S operetta, and then came the night 
of performance. 

It was on this night that the Goose proposed to the Little Duck ; 
but as that was in a very quiet corner of the room when the dancing 
had commenced, you and 1, my friends, (it being no business of 9urs if 
two young people go and make donkeys of themselves) will join the 
crowd of Birds, Beasts, and Fishes in the Supper Room. 

After you, if you please. Enter. 

(To be Continued.) 


WE have not so many men among us (we do not forget him who 
might now be Chancellor) who are ready to sacrifice 2000 a year, for 
conviction, that we need be afraid of being often asked to assist their 
widows and children. ERNEST JONES, however, made this sacrifice, 
and his family, consequently, needs aid. LORD LYTTON, though a 
Conservative, can hardly be more opposed to the political faith of 
ERNEST JONES than Mr. Punch is. The author of The Caxtons re- 
membered only that a brave man had died poor, and sent generous aid. 
Conservatives, you may safely follow the lead. Liberals, you need no 
bidding to follow Mr. Punch's. Any contribution may be safely sent 
to the " ERNEST JONES Fund," 20, Cockspur Street, Charing Cross. 
For the mere literary point of honour, there should surely be no 
distress in the household of him who wrote the noble lyric beginning, 

" Chief of the North ! From the labours of war 

Lay thee to rest on thy pillow of Death : 
For thy funeral torch Heaven kindles a star, 
And the tempest that rides on the conquering ear 
For thee clothes in thunder the might of his breath." 

Note for Ill-used Nuns. 

NEWSPAPERS state that DR. MANNING has consented to become 
Chairman of the Committee formed to collect subscriptions for the 
purpose of defraying the costs of the late trial, SAURIN v. STARR. It 
was suggested by the Popish press that Miss SAURIN ought, instead of 
going to law with her Mother Superior, to have appealed to the titular 
ARCIIUISHOP or WESTMINSTER. Now that he lias taken up MRS. 
STARR, we see what Miss SAURIN would have got by doing that. 


WE rejoice to hear that the Musical Services of St. Paul's have been 
much improved by Canon GREGORY. Congregations will doubtless be 
attracted to the Cathedral by its Gregorian music. 

His FAVOURITE Disn. Lamb is now in perfection. There is no 
one so likely to enjoy his Mint sauce as Mu. FREMANTLE. 

APRIL 24, 1869.] 




THOSE who produce this Periodical desire that it should contain a record of their affectionate 
regard for one, who, at a good old age, and in possession of all the rewards due to an upright 
and energetic life, has just passed to his rest. Ma. BRADBURY, from the early moment when 
he became associated with this Journal, devoted himself to its interests in a spirit of no mere 
commercial venture : he rejoiced in all its successes, and to contribute to them was at once to 
become the friend of a man with whom friendship was no idle name. His genial presence at the 
meetings of the Contributors was ever welcome, and his hearty co-operation in matters of business 
was not more appreciated by them than his avowed pride in the fortunes of the work, or his 
brotherly sympathy with all engaged upon it. They will not soon forget the good man, and good 
friend, who has peacefully passed away. 

April 15, 1869. 


MONDAY, April 12. What a comfort it is to have somebody on the 
Treasury Bench who has read the Bible, and got into his mind its 
sturdy and compact English ! MR. BRIGHT was asked for a mass of 
statistics from the Board of Trade, lie replied that he did not think 
that giving them would be useful, but that the publication would only 
induce various branches of the service to Magnify their Office. One 
of your platitude-mongers would have said that the invitation to a 
multiplicity of departments to manipulate and tabulate infinitesimal 
details would be disadvantageous^ conducive to well-intended but 
undesirable amplitude, dictated by an ambition that the department 
with which the reporter was connected should assume an undeserved 
prominence in national estimation. Thank you, MR. BRIGHT, for the 
Pauline phrase teach the House as much of the language of the Bible 
as you may, and, while you are about it, a little of its spirit 

A discussion about Branding deserters. The case is this. Scoundrels 
have a habit of deserting from one regiment and enlisting in another, 
for the sake of the bounty money. So, for their identification, they 
are branded with a tiny but ineffaceable D. The question is, whether 
this should be done more than once. MR. CARDWELL did not approve 
the practice at all, but said that the fraud in question was so common 
that some effective method of checking it was necessary and so the 
matter stands. Why did not MR. BRAND speak ? 

Delicate question. Many bishops are so aged that they cannot do 
their work. An intelligent mind will supply the rest of the story, and 
MR. GLADSTONE said that he believed that the Bench was giving con- 
sideration to the subject. 

Tuesday. The new Member for Wareham took his oaths and seat. 
Ha, Sirs, the name of MR. DRAX makes us young again. How is MR. 
GKANTLEY BERKELEY ? Kemembereth he that grand day of sport, 
when he mounted his steed, and 

" Iti'fore his head was dog ODIN led, 
And behind his tail came DRAX > " 

The good old days ! But drink, Sirs, we shall never be younger. 
MR. DHAX was victor on that day, nevertheless GRAKTLEY and ODIN 
did their work well, and all but won that desperate game. 

The Crypt under St. Stephen's Chapel is ready for divine service, 
but MR. LAYARD said that if the House wished for that, they must 
make some endowment for a minister. But why can't the House go 
to prayers there, and have their own excellent chaplain ; thus getting 
rid of the unseemly " devotional dogskin " and other secularities ? 

MR. MAGUIRE, in a very good speech, brought on a very good debate 
on the Irish Society. One or two persons may " not exactly recollect 

all about this Society, though of course they know generally " and so 
forth, which means that they know nothing at all on the subject, and 
if we were to tell them (we 'd scorn the action) that the Irish Society 
was an association founded in Cork, in 1711, by WILLIAM AND MARY, 
for supplying pikes and testaments to the citizens of Ulster, they 
would know no better. But they shall know better. JAMES THE 
FIBST desired to plant the confiscated hinds in the north of Ireland, 
so he composed a puff, as MR. MAGUIRE said, for the purpose of 
inducing the London citizens to take the district in hand. Of course, 
they were too wary to believe the King, but they sent four discreet 
far His Majesty had told the truth. To the astonishment of the City, 
the spies reported well of the Irish Canaan, and a Committee, which 
afterwards became the Society, got a charter from the Crown. After 
the settlement, of course the King began to play bis usual tricks, and 
at hut their property was taken away, and they did not get a new 
charter till 16/0. Since that time they have managed much as might 
be expected from London citizens, that is, on the whole honestly, but 
with at least an eye and a half on London, and only half an eye on the 
Irish. They have, naturally, had a vast deal of fun and feasting put 
of the revenues, but MR. RUSSELL GURNEY says that they have fairly 
discharged their duty. The Irish Secretary thought that there was a 
case for consideration, but not one which demanded any particular 

We had a slightly personal debate. A representative of the Great 
House of Lowther has once more been made Lord-Lieutenant of the 
Counties of Cumberland and Westmoreland. The dynasty has endured, 
we believe, some 130 years. MR. DISRAELI made this hut appointment 
a few days before resigning. It was challenged to-night by 
MR. CHARLES HOWARD. So MR. DISRAELI had to explain, in his 
lofty comedy style, that he had not been actuated by dynastic conside- 
rations. That MR. DISRAELI should give such a thing away from the 
heir of LORD LONSDALE, was really not to be expected ; and 
MR. GLADSTONE spoke up in his defence. The argument that a 
moribund Cabinet ought not to give away patronage, MR. DISRAELI 
met by observing, that if a Minister ceased to be a Minister before his 
successor were appointed, there might be Dreadful Moments for which 
nobody would be responsible, which was shocking and unconstitu- 
tional. He said that he should have been happy to give the appoint- 
ment to any other qualified person ; but there was none. COLONEL 
LOWTHER, the L. L. in question, had the pleasure of hearing himself 
thus discussed ; and MR. HOWARD of course apologised to him, as 
became an aristocratic neighbour. We must quote what MR. DISRAELI 
said about his own resignation : 

" When the borough elections had well nigh concluded, it occurred to me 
and my colleagues, who, howe?er, were scattered over the country, that the 




[APRIL 24, 1869. 

result was not satisfactory to us, and that it was most painful after tho decla- 
rations we had made, that we should continue to remain in the possession of 
power and patronage (hear, hear), and therefore we took the earliest oppor- 
tunity of considering our retirement Difficulties, however, for a time pr- 
rented our arriving at an unaniawvt decision, but ultimately the Cabinet 
arrived at the conclusion and it was their unanimous decision that the time 
had arrived when it was their duty to retire from the post they then held." 

We should like to know something 'about the " difficulties," when 
MB. DISRAELI happens to be communicative. Who wanted to stick 
in, and fight the 120 V 

Wednesday. Asked whether the MAYOR OF TYNEMOUTH had prohi- 
bited MUKPHY, the firebrand, from lecturing, the HOME SECRETARY 
said that he had, and by the authority of the Home Office. Very right 
too. MR. WHALLEY raged iu silence that day, but, next night said 
that he was making arrangements to send out a dozen Murphies to 
plant the Protestant standard. Thank Providence, there be a dozen 
gaols to accommodate these missionaries. 

Nearly all the sitting was given to the Bill for Protecting the Property 
of Married Women. MR. JESSEL, Q.C., explained that a married 
woman, in England, in 18G9, occupies just the legal position formerly 
assigned to our slaves, even to flogging and imprisonment, which are, 
by the common law, still recognised as the right of the husband. Punch 
doubts whether the majority of married women are aware of this fact. 
Let them be thankful that husbands rarely use their rights. The Bill 
was read a Second Time, in an assembly consisting for the most part of 
married men, which fact speaks well for masculine nature. 

Debate on the Sunday Trading Bill was adjourned. Somebody 
stated, and somebody else agreed, that the upper classes observe 
Sunday much more devoutly than they used to do, and thereby set a 
good example. Mr. Punch mentioned this with pleasure, at the 
Zoological Gardens (not the " Zoo," you mimic of a music-hall cad) on 
Sunday last, and again at the one of the eleven aristocratic dinners 
to which he was invited for that evening. 

Thursday. The Irish Church fight recommenced. Ton are aware 
that, when a Bill has been read a Second Time, it goes into Committee ; 
that is, the mace is taken off the table, the SPEAKER delightedly resigns 
his sway to Ma. DODSON, whom Members address ; and it is permitted 
to everybody to speak as often as he pleases if the Committee will 
hear him. But before going into Committee, it is necessary that a 
motion should be carried to the effect that such journey be taken ; and 
it is open to anybody to resist this. As MB, GLADSTONE explained 
the Previous Question, Mr. Punch deems it proper to educate in similar 
fashion. Well, MR, NEWDEGATE, the great Protestant, being deter- 
mined to hinder the Irish BUI as much, as he could, opposed the 
motion for going into Committee, and this whole night was 
occupied with a renewal of the debate on the general question. 
Nearly all the speakers were Conservatives, and none of them had any- 
thing new to urge, with the exception of MR. RAIKES. This gentleman 
adverted to a recent cartoon of Mr. PuncKs, in which the Irish Church, 
as Ariel, is seen delivered from the encumbrances of State trammels, 
and rising free and beautifuj. Ma. RAIKES complained that, inasmuch 
as the Church was to be stripped of all that she had, Mr. Punch should 
have depicted her as entirely undraped. There is no objection to the 
unclad figure, if treated with purity, as you will own when you shall 
have seen a certain picture by MR. LEIGHTON this year, and there is 
great objection to it, when treated as French artists and their wretched 
imitators do, and Mr. Punch was not deterred, as MR. RAIKES sug- 
gested, by fear of the LORD CHAMBEKLAIN. But he was deterred by 
the fear of putting forth that which would not have been true, seeing 
that Miss ECCLESIA HIBEKNICA has by no means been stripped, but is 
left with an exceedingly handsome fortune. MR. DISKAELI regretted 
that ME. NEWDEGATE had opposed the regular stage of proceedings, 
as the principle of the measure had been affirmed, and he wished to get 
at real work. But MR. NEWDEGATE would divide, and the Government 
got a larger majority than before, 355 to 229120. 

MR. H. SIIKRIDAN this week carried a motion for making the 
Metropolitan Railway folks provide smoking carriages. They must 
paint their vehicles in an unmistakeably distinctive manner, or in tho 
rush during the half-minute stop there will be no end of mistakes, 
with rows to follow. 

Friday. We went into Committee, and MR. DISRAELI moved to 
leave out the Second Clause of the Bill. This enacts that on the 1st 
of January 1871, "the Union between the Churches of England and 
Ireland shull be dissolved." MR. DISRAELI, without desiring to inter- 
fere with the object of the Bill, wished the Union between the Churches 
preserved, as the maintenance of the Royal Supremacy alone would 
secure liberty. Most elaborate debate followed, but the real answer 
was, that it is left entirely to the will of the Church of the Future to 
ask the QUEEN to reign over it, appoint its bishops, and otherwise 
protect it, but that it is due to the Protestants to give them the liberty 
of choice. MR. DISIIAELI contended that, the Roman Catholic religion 
was already established in Ireland, under the Supreme Pontiff, and 
that the Anglican Church ought to have a similar advantage. He, 
Daubed Ihe debate with an animated peroration, and the Committee! 

finished it by a division which rejected MR. DISRAELI'S motion by 
344 to 221 majority, 123. 

We are going on with the debate at all possible times, until the Bill 
has gone through Committee. Mr. Punch would give a hint to those 
who are congratulated on having " found their voices " that is, have 
learned that they can amuse themselves by making noises, and pre- 
venting speakers from proceeding. There be bores who must, in. 
the fitness of things, be shut up; but there must be no 
system of disturbance. This measure is more important than 
any holidays, grouse, or continental tours, and ample time must 
, be given for its discussion. And fur those who will not listen to argu- 
ment, but require menace, Mr. Punch would gently urge that the 
Lords are hostile to the whole scheme, and will assent to it onjy in 
consideration of its being sent to them as an expression of the will of 
the nation, as represented in the Commons. If the Lord* are able to 
say that debate has been stifled, they will have an excuse for asking 
that the Bill be re-considered below. So we recommend the noisy 
Members to go on the terrace, and chaff the bargemen, and so get rid of 
their excess of legislative steam. 


To the House of Common Sense in Parliament Assembled, 

The Humble Petition of the Ginshop-keepers, Publicans, and 
other Pious Persons, 

Sheweth, That an infamous attempt is being made by certain 
sacrilegious and misguided British Workmen to persuade your House 
to desecrate the sanctity of the Sabbath by throwing open certain, 
places of mundane recreation, such as Galleries of Pictures, Art- 
Museums, and the like. 

That such places are supported by the money of the nation, and should 
therefore be kept closed upon the Sabbath day, if ever so minute a 
minority of the nation, perchance, should think it proper. 

That improvement of the mind is alleged as an excuse for this 
unholy desecration ; but as improvement of the mind implies an 
exercise, or work, it is breaking a commandment to improve one's 
mind on Sunday, 

That the nation gets a great part of its revenue from drink, and 
ought therefore to support the trade of those who sell it. 

That if galleries and museums be opened on the Sabbath, their 
attractions will materially diminish the attendance at the ginshops, 
which are now the only places of rational amusement that, on Sunday 
afternoons, are open to poor people. 

That British workmen state that they can not compete with foreigners 
in elegant design and rare artistic handicraft, while they are denied the 
means of studying the fine arts, for which their only leisure is the 
afternoon of Sunday. 

That if British workmen take to competition with the foreigner in 
matters of intelligence, they perhaps may lose their relish for the 
pleasures of the beer- shops, and will entail thereby a heavy loss on the 

That, moreover, Hampton Court is graciously permitted to be open 
after Church hours, and plebeian amateurs have there the opportunity 
of cultivating profitably their taste for the fine arts, by studying the 
Beauties of the Court of CHARLES THE SECOND. 

Your Petitioners therefore pray that, for the sake of public piety, 
" public" worship be enforced, as heretofore, upon the Sabbath that 
is to say, the worship of the public-house. 

A Trifle for Pesth. 

RIDE a cock horse, 

To YAMBEKY cross, 
And hear (hat we 've gained, in Shere Ali, a loss : 

That we ought to snub Russia, 

And stamp on her toes, 
And think her a Burglar wherever she goes. 

The Greater Contains the Less. 

Miss BURDETT COUTTS has withdrawn her name from the list of 
candidates for Election as Guardians of the Poor ot Bethnal Green. 

.)//-. Punch cannot regret this. 

The smaller office is included in the larger one, which Miss 
BURDETT COUTTS already holds for life that of Guardian of the Poor 
of all London. 


A SECOND Course of Lectures for Ladies is now being delivered at 
South Kensington on " Size and Shape." The Nova-Scotian Giantess 
and the Circassian Lady would be suitable living illustrations of his 

APRIL 24, 1869.] 




HERE is an interesting 
question for tin: Re- 
gistrar - General, or 
the Statistical Society, 
or the Dinner-Table 
Society and Drswing- 
Koom Association : 
Why has then: been 
tliis year a falling-off 
in the crowd of mar- 
riages which usually 
take place immedi- 
ately after the Lenten 
six weeks fast from 
matrimony is over ? 
How are we to ac- 
count for the decrease 
in the number of pairs 
published in the first 
column of the Tine, 
with all those pretty 
musical combinations 
of feminine Christian 
names amongst which 
unadorned MAKY, and 
JANE, and 
hardly dare to mingle; 
and all those curious family details, whereby we learn that 
EMILY GERTRUDE is the great-niece of a knight, and that EXMEI INK 
MAUD MARIAS'S godfather was a baronet the connection of the first- 
mentioned young bride with the opulent miller at Barleytborpe, who 
was her grandfather, and the close relationship of the second to the 
leading grocer at Byfordbury, being carefully suppressed P 

lias the unprecedeutedly (not a bad word to set in a Civil Service 
Examination) limited amount of bullion in the vaults in Threadneedle 
Street, which c;u i Table uneasiness and alarm to those of 

us who bank with a lock-up drawer, done it; or the dimiun 
our exports of cutlery and cotton goods to Siam ? Or is there an 
inadequate supply of bridesmaids, and have they struck for more 
expensive lockets ? Or is nobody in future going to marry on less 
than a thousand a year, and a brougham, and a man-servant, and a 
Sevres dinner service f 

These are questions of serious import almost too grave for lights, 
and flowers, and Pompadour dresses, and sparkling wines ; and rather 
befitting that still, solemn hour when the guests are assembling, and 
the great people of the party are terribly late, and the hostess is 
anxious, and the shy desperate, and the cook, below, an incipient 

But asked they must be, if we are not all making arrangements to 
go into monasteries and nunneries, and precedence this inquiry into 
the diminution of gentlemanly and gentlcwomanly marriages ought to 
have, unless celibacy is to be the humour and fashion of the day, over 
every other topic, except, perhaps, the Married Women's Property 
Bill, an excellent measure, but one unforeseen conscience of whictt 
will be, and it is n-h;, that the Select Committee sftwtld know i*, 
that we shall be forced prematurely into marriage with BMAEMK* 
DAY BELL, because, good little woman a* she is, she is scarcely moalte 
the absolute disposal of the four thousand pounds left Mr by an 
excellent maiden aunt, happily unencumbered with any sued rtm< 
nonsense as trustees, or sole and separate use, or freedom from 
marital control. 

Whilst you are at table take the opportunity of asking whether anybody 
knows anything about " Semolina, to be relieved in future, by the kind 
permission of MR. LOWE, from a disagreeable duty ; and why SKI.IXA 
and WILHELMIXA are not to be similarly favoured? Perhaps, also, you 
may be able to find out what "here or bigg" is, eatable or drinkable, 
tmd whether " Manna croup " (which reminds one unpleasantly of the 
diseases of infancy) is an article of food commonly met with, and to 
what culinary i urposes "cassava powder" and "mandioca flour" are 
most frequently applied. Moreover, if you take a glass of beer with 
your cheese (this is not vulgar, is it ?). seek to know what " Mum " is, 
u thirty-six gallon barrel of which delicacy is henceforth, unless the 
Conservative party see a lurking danger to the British Constitution in 
this daring innovation, to be assessed at a guinea ; and if everybody, 
with the usual deplorable ignorance of society, is silent, say to yourself, 
" Mum "s the word," and call tor a draught of " spruce, another beve- 
rage which is to be made more accessible, certain that no well-educated 
butler will ever permit his master's sideboard to lack this refreshing 

If you are not interested in the Conference of the Irish Church, or 
the Hudson's Bay Company (you may extract a little geographical 
amusement out of this far away Eur Land, if so disposed), it will be 
only natural that over your wine you should draw attention to the voter 

" who had been ' bottled,' and gave his own account of the process" 
to one of the Election Judges. In the dmwinff-rooin you will not, we 
are confident, neglect your old friend, ho has lately 

been using too great exertions, and in eon . i-r-heating i 

running into all sorts of eicesacs with thermometers ; nor fail to 
the return of those volatile absentees, the swallows, to their accub 
toned haunts in the Poultry and Paternoster Kow ; and the cuckoo 
which some observant naturalist has heard earlier than usual on 
Knightsbridce Green ; and the "Swedish Nightingale" of oar day. 
CIIKISTIKI NiLssnx, who is to come with the bloom and blomoM of 
May ; and SIR Mi i \ (not many worthier *u he) . 

and tin; report that Her Majesty's Theatre will not be used u a fraud 
Music Hall ; and the clever young actress at the Ulobt, Miss MACHJIK 
HRKXNSN, and MR. KIM., the excellent new Hamlet at Drury Lain- 
and velocipedes, handsomer cabs, and street tramways; ana all tin- 
other topics of the hour and the day. 


THE Police Force are in future not to be forced to use the razor, lip 
and chin are no l>mgcr to go bare. This change in the facings of the 
Constabulary, which will make them more than ever airy favourites, i not 
the result of a shaving clause in an Act of Parliament, bat of an order, 
we might say au Imperial decree, of the Chief f rnniuinasr. who in 
such matters is supreme. By those who are (ticklers for the liberty of 
the subject, some alarm is felt lest we should now be bearded by the 
Police ; but this is a groundless apprehension, and may be dismissed 
at once without the interference of SIR THOMAS HEXHT. On the 
whole the Force i.t to be congratulated on this change of hair, which 
to Jook well should be uniform ; bat having experience of the disposi- 
tion of the vulgar in the street* of London, adults as ill as boys, to 
offer unpleasant personal remarks, we shall feel for P.C. during the 
sprouting season. A sudden thought Now that tin- tax u going to 
be abolished, would it not be destrable to give the Police a matt im- 
posing appearance, by permitting them to wear hair-powder? 



Advice to Fawcett. 

(()H the Iltftaf, by 181 to 30, in a ditition farad in tin ttetk of kit bettfriauU 
advice, of ha doctrinaire resolution, " To make all civil and <iW **i* 
appoiitimtntt by comftlitict examination.") 

:Y. 's good in competitive examination." 
Say its friends. Tis a fact. Punch is glad to endorse it : 
Bat it mustn't be pushed to pedanti-fication : 
And the best advice Punch can give FAWCZTT "s " Don't force it." 

A Duck and a Canard. 

THE Musical Worll treats as a canard the story that the Due DK 
M v* \ mnrries the divine MUI.LE. NILSSON. We hope that the 
.)/. //'. is right, for though MH. JtsstL says that all wives are slaves, 
we should not like to I lunk that such a wife hud always to address 
her husband as " massa." 



[APRIL 24, 1869. 



Jemima Cook. "On, MARY! How WSLL HE PLATS!" 
Mary Parlourmaid. " DOESN'T HE!! SUCH JlxpRBSSiOfrf 1 1 " 


THE only Englishman that ever had his great toe saluted as that of the Sovereign Pontiff 
was ADRIAN THE FOURTH, ' BRAKESPEARE, chiistened NICHOLAS. His present Holiness can, 
however, on occasion talk as much like a true born Briton as he could if he, too, had been a 
native of Abbot's Langley. He had a great variety of gifts offered for his acceptance on the 
llth of April, and the Pall Mall Gazelle says : 

" The POPE is annoyed that so many of the presents consist of crosses, and the other day he remarked 
to some members of his household, ' I have too many crosses. What I want is money, money, and still 
money." " 

This speech will raise the Holy Father in JOHN BULL'S estimation, as a man of the world, who 
looks to the mam chance like the rest of us, and whose cry after all, if not before all, is " Money, 
money, money ! " And he gets not a little. 


"And we're all grumbling grumb, grumb, 

We 're all grumbling at our house at hame." 

ALL must own the House of Commons, 

Though dear to all who sit in it. 
Is too small for six hundred 

And fifty-eight to fit in it. 
That its seats aren't wide enough for 

Broad based administrations, 
Such as, in lukewarm periods, 

Plan measures and rule nations. 

No wonder names with Stephen 

Our House of Commons barters ; 
The first of martyrs he was, 

And M.P.'s say they are martyrs : 
Stretched out, a la Saint Lawrence, 

Upon a huge grid-iron, 
With DR. PERCY down-stairs, 

A-making of the fire on. 

Members should be men of mettle, 

By the means employed to mould one : 
Now blown up by a hot blast. 

Now cooled down by a cold one. 
With Father Thames exhaling 

Breath a mud-lark fit to smother ; 
And in default of sweet air, 

The sewers distilling t'other. 

Then for distinguished visitors 

There 's no room on occasion, 
Unless upon each other's laps 

They find accommodation. 
And the ladies in the cage have 

Most inconvenient quarters, 
Not to speak of their susurrus 

Distracting the reporters. 

And as the House is too small 

For all its Members, keen 'uns 
Who want seats put a hat down 

By way of locum tenens. 
Punch don't object to that, but 

By cynics it may said be, 
Seats should not be kept by hat, but 

Should only kept by head be. 

There 's one way to a new House : 

If BARRY would build over 
The Court outside the old one, 

M.P.'s would sit in clover. 
And as the Commons' power 

The Crown's has caused the stop of ; 
There 's reason good the Commons 

Should sit a Court a-top of. 

But COLONEL FRENCH objects that 
This would destroy the dining-room ; 

Letting M.P.'s in the basement, 
For eating, ain by mining, room. 

And he maintains that Members 

Would be anything but winners 

If they improved debates, 
By dis-improving dinners. 

The Colonel feels that forces 

Need for their conservation, 
What the French, in phrase well chosen, 

Entitle " restauration." 
And now that folks are zealous 

For Commons' preservation, 
The Collective Wisdom's dining 

Is of moment to the nation. 

Whoe'er comes near the Commons 

As second best will fare with them ; 
'Tis like them, the Lords' dining-rooms, 

To ask the Peers to share with them. 
Now Peers' rights to graze the Commons 

Are assailed with doubts and sneers : 
It 's too bad to give the Commons 

Grazing rights upon the Peers. 



Hri ^^ 
l-l ^^ 

I a 


:a o 

Q o 


r 00 ^^ 



APRIL 24, 1869.] 




brigand's dress and resumed the ordinary garments of private life, will 
be ready to meet her, and escort her proudly to the supper-room. 

Mu. KINO FrsciiKR, who is ambitious (as what amateur compov-r, 
if he thinks himself '.v not ?) wants to get SIGNOR ' 

MOKANTI'S opinion. The Signor u hard at work with another profes- 
sional friend at the supper, and beiutf challenged by FYSCHBR to cham- 
pagne, politely taken tin' opportunity of congratulating his young 
friend on his work, and then urges him to aup, not wishuaf; at that 
moment to relinquish his own delightful occupation for the sake of 
forcing a conversation. 

But FISCHER U not to be put off. He wants the sir's frenu. 

linion, and commences a learned musical ooaverssfeM wuth that 
eminent person, carrie 1 on ia technical terms, and involving all son 

the t\ 


BIRDS, Beasts, and Fishes, certainly come out strongly in a supper- 
room. The Birds are there to be seen swooping, or pecking; the 

Beasts gorging themselves, said mumbling over their food and the t ^ 

Fishes drinking as if they had been sufferiug from drought for a opinion, and 

fortnight past. . . ' eminent pan, _. - .... .- 

LADY DODO'S advice to the MACAWS has been In giving a large o f ^r^tiom u to the capabilities of a mezzo, L 

party like this, my dear, you must, of necessity make a sort of salad of pressiouof an andante, and so on, and expatiates 

I '.ut an excellent salad ; for that is an appetiser, of which who eats o f getting " amateurs " (he lifts himself quite above Hum far the 

1 ' i A A- __ J +-*- -* IK .,,..._ *.Wtastt at *% W*SMSBS*_ 1 V , 1 ' fit] f>k> 

agrees with him in everything ; he advises him to worL 

I f II ___! I . 1 


to taste and thai is your object at starting. 
ion your salad with a sprinkling of the pro! 

an author or two, an actor, a 
is in the case of women 


' Rn( j 
j 3 wa jting 

once deshres 

fore, my 

herb. A couple of 

singer here and thei- , 

because a foreigner, with us has no antecedents, and as a professional, 

is admitted to our Society by virtue of her professional reputation dressing-gown when he gets _. 

only and, in fact, dear, any other notability who M a notability, and composing, having seen a portrait, of BEETUOVEN in t 

whom your guests feel some curiosity to meet. An acquaintance 'with turn-down collars] and writes, off-hand, a chorus of soldiers and p< 

these people will cost yoa sosMsfcing, perhaps, but yon are well repaid ( w ;thout words), a tenor song, and something sentimental 

in return. You will have to be a patron for benefits; you will feel it gopnmo, in which he sees the elements of his future 

necessary to purchase a picture ; to help Madame or Signor in getting jj^. Majesty's or Covent Garden. 

up their select concert at some rooms ; taking so many tickets at a LAJ,Y LYKX is there too. a great friend of LADY DODO'S ; 

guinea a head yourself. If you manage this well, you will find your yoim ger than that elderly dowager. Having done ample jwtice 

account in it. Your parties will be unique, and, in time, even Royalty to t he supper, she is taking a littto interval of rest previous to 

itself may express a wish to visit your salon." ^^ refreshing henelf (when MR. POODBL shall offer itj with just one tttlc 



This picture nearly took MRS. MACAW'S breath away; and is it a 

mrtrr : and she is delivering, totto 

ntae sr MSon 
n ; LADY LrNX 

. , 

wonder if she used all her influence with her husband for the benefit o f t h e performer*. POODBL is running everybody down ; 

of LADY DODO'S little propert.y ': Royalty at her house! PRINCE 8 , y . O B , i Qou t think MR. Nivi'ERdid that badly " meaning a* the 

himself, accompanied by a Royal Duke, dashing up to the oomic waiter. 

hall-door in the well-known Royal carriages, and, walking behind ~~i d on 't say badly," replies POODBL, who sees himself ia the 

them, MAJOR JACKAL, Equerry in Waiting, who somehow in character. "It was vulgar;" and LADY LYKT taps him on the hand 

MRS. MACAW'S mind, gets mixed up with "all the Royal family, for w i tn | ier fan; and the reason for the interruption is made obvious by 

whom she devoutly prays in Church every Sunday. her saying, 

And well may a pious, fashionable congregation, supplicate Heaven "&.\i t Mil. NIPPER, how good! how rharming .'" And POODBL hns 

on behalf of these August Personages, upon whose health depends all to mo dify |,i 8 expression without absolutely eating his words in the 

+ K/. Mntnf*r nT tliA aiivTm*r 111 I , nil H Oil MT IL3 'IVlV f'( t Itf I" !'I V F obSfii*Ve(K . ~f I .t,w T .VKFV Uv nrknm K n ,lnaan*t iVB n t *rt Kf snt flnfVn A 

deceive him)i " mustn't mind my being a little disappointed with one 
, or two parts w | iere i thought you lost a point." 

him, he was to satirical : whereat TOM snorted, and probably thought NipreR professes Mmself delighted to hear his famlU, and LADT 
g lady was, unconsciously, the more satirical of j^x leaves them, to stand alone for a few seconds, surveying the 


be deferred till, at all events, the end of the season. But this was 

only what TOM PORCUPINE said ; and then, as Miss CHESSBR told 

him, he was to satirical : 

to himself that the young , 

the two. . ..... 'scene through her eyeglasses. Good gracious ! Ar doesn't want eye - 

The amateur opera is over, and everybody is delighted : some I glasses ! There ' nothing in that room that escapes her ; and so I go 

because they liked it as well as they liked anything ; some because up> and, knowing what her ladyship wants, bring her a glass of 

they didn't care for it one way or the other, and to praise was the S p ar lcling champagne ; in return for which she tells me who is who, 

more pleasant ; and some (and they were enthusiastic) because, what- anc j a j so enlightens me, socially, as to what is what. 

ever its merits or demerits, it was over. _ 

MR, KINO FYSCHER enters the room ready to receive the congratu- 

lations of everybody, and to ask the musical professionals, when r-nvfRP'RT KD PATVPOTSV 
he can take one or two of them aside, what they really did think of 

it. as if their opinion given in public was what they really diMt think QWBCT to COLOSEL HENRY LOWTHIR for Lord-Lieutenant of Cum- 

ofit. berland and Westmoreland ! Why ? 

to Miss CHESSEB, and vie with one another in supplying her with e --- JI - ' ---- v - T ">"> T ^ -- ' 
She has a short triumph over Miss SKYLARK, who comes up 

to say how much she was delighted, how admirably she (Miss CHBSSER) 
played her part, and how fatigued she must be after her exertions. 

MR. RATTELS NAYKE being an old hand at this sort of thing, accepts 
praise as his right, and prefers chicken and iced champagne with MRS. 
BYRDE in a quiet corner, where far be it from me to intrude upon 
them. MR. BYRDE will come up presently to mention the existence of 
the carriage, and MRS. BYRDE will reply that " If he is tired he needn't 
wait for her. as," she explains, " he has to be up so early for business 
in the morning ; " and undertakes to see herself home after a dance or 
two, for which amusement she knows he doesn't care. Old BYBDE, 
very much MRS. BYRDK'S senior, wouldn't on any account be consi- 
dered a jealous man, but doats and doubts, and and in fact, lights a 
cigar, and goes home to bed. Heavens ! if married couples can't trust 
one another for a waltz, out of each other's sight, for an hour or two, 
what a miserable world this would be ! 

DORMOUSE of course went otf to sleep in the middle of the evening s 
entertainment, and was neither useful behind the scenes, nor orna- 
mental in front of them. 

Miss IDA DRAKE looks very pretty and very flushed on emerging 
from the screen behind which she has been accompanying the opera all 
the evening ; and, 1 warrant you, there is a certain seat in the ante- 
room where a certain young gentleman, when he has got out of his 

Secondly, because ha is LORD LONSDALE'S successor and nephew ! ! 

First of the first : 

Why shouldn't MR. DISRAELI make a parting present to Cum- 
berland and Westmoreland ? 

And what better present could he give these counties than the 
gallant Colonel lor their Lord-Lieutenant and autoi ntolonm f 

Second, of the second : 
What is a Lord ? 
One who rules absolutely. 
What is a Lieutenant P 

A locum tenent: one who stands in the place of another. 
What is a Lord-Lieutenant P 
One who stands in the place of a Lord. 
Who is the Lord of Cumberland and Westmoreland ? 
Who is the fittest person to stand in the place of LORD LOHSDALE ? 
His heir and nephew, COLOXU. HEXRYLOWTIIER. 
What follows ? 
That COLOSEL HENRY LOWTHER is the natural Lord-Lieutenant 

of Cumberland and Westmoreland. 
Q. E. D. 

As EQUITY DRAFTSMAK. A Lawyer who Sketches. 



[APRIL 24, 1869. 



Model (who has charge of the Hats and Coats). " No. 97 ? YESSIR. THERE NOW ! IF I DIDN'T SEE THAT 'AT AH NOT A QUARTER 
OF AN HOUR AGO ! I " [Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield, who has barely time to catch his last train ! 


" On Sunday, April 11, was celebrated the fiftieth anniversary of the ordi- 
nation of hie Holiness Pius THE NINTH." News from Rome. 

JUBILATE ! sing loud, to our brave PIO NONO ! 

Fifty years on his ffrey head their winters have strown 
Since that head was first tonsured (pro publico bono ?) ; 

Two-and-twenty, since o'er him the pallium was thrown ! 

Fifty years ! Let us hail thee, oh Bark of St. Peter, 

That labourest sore in the stress of thy see, 
And ask thee, which tide-set is stronger and fleeter, 

That to port on thy chart, or to shore on thy lee. 

Jubilate! sing loud, though the growl of the thunder 
Hound the sore-shattered vessel be threatn'ningly rolled ; 

Though her pumps are scarce able to keep the leaks under, 
And her cargo's dead weight is adrift in her hold ! 

Jubilate ! sing loud, in despite of the quaver, 
That tells of the tremor of captain and crew : 

Perhaps holy water and relics may save her, 
But 'tis more than the skill of her pilot can do ! 

Fiftv years ! What has come of that Holy Alliance 
That to young priest MASTAI seemed a pillar of trust ? 

Fifty years to his order one long drawn defiance, 
And for end, Peter's pence, and a throne in the dust. 

From his dream of a Pope, free from trammels and fictions, 
To give life to a nation, and faith to a world 

From Liberal longings, that once seemed convictions, 
To the lowest Inferno of Priestcraft lie 's hurled ! 

Contrast thy two jubilees ! That from a nation 
Rejoicing to link its new birth with thy name, 

And this nasal chorus of priests' gratulation, 
With no warmth of love and no forecast of fame. 

Well for thee hadst thou died, ere Church mildews had eaten 

The gloss of thy unworn tiara away, 
Ere Italian's hopes and man's instincts, down-beaten, 

Left thy soul to Priest's hates and Pope's terrors a prey. 

Is the Apostrophe Right ? 

ONE of the papers, in its account of the dinner given to MR.. DICKENS 
at Liverpool, spoke of the music as being performed by " The Orphan 
Boy's Band." As the " Orphan Boy's" music appears to have been 
good, it would only have been fair to have given the " Orphan Boy's " 


No Flattery. 

WE do not think that a smaller amount of praise than this was ever 
bestowed upon a novel. Yet the publisher is grateful, and he extracts 
the tribute into his advertisement. 

" All readers cannot fail to be interested in ' Oliver Lancaster.' " 

Morning Star. 

Can it Be So ? 

THE RIGHT HON. JOHN BRIGHT, speaking as the President of the 
Board of Trade, lets fall a word or two at times which may lead one to 
the notion that, what with deputations in the day-time, and questionings 
at night, he himself in his own person, without mention of his colleagues, 
unfortunately constitutes the Bored of Trade. 

APRIL 24, 1869.] 




IIMK objection to MR. RUSSF.M. GURNET'S Mar- 
ried Women's Property Hill would perhaps be 
removed by a clause annexed to it allowing per- 
sons about to marry to subject themselves to its 
arrangements or not, as they might choose, 
;r intention previously to their 
marriage, lest one of the happy pair should after- 
wards see fit to break a merely verbal agreement 
with the otl 

Tradesmen and others, dealing with married 
partners, would like to know whether the hus- 
band was liable for the wife's debts or not. 
Therefore if the Recorder should be pleased to 
adopt the foregoing suggestion, perhaps he 
would further be advised to provide that hus- 
band and wife accepting his Act should be bound 
to write themselves, on all occasions, for example, 
MK. and MRS. ROBINSON (Limi- 


(To * Calling Air.) 

THERE was suck a modest man, 
That he used to use a fan, 

To hide his Washing face, I know. 
I f you 'd ever seen his head 
Topping out above his bed, 
He'd hare fainted in a fit. 

Just so, just so, 
Chora*, lie 'd have fainted in a fit, just so. 

Now this very modest man 
Went and bought a fishing-can, 

For a-fishing he wanted to go ; 
All alone he read in books 
How to use his lines and hooks, 
And he practised in his bath, 

Just so, just so. 
Chorus. And he practised in his bath, just so. 

Now I cannot tell his name, 
Nor the county whence he came : 

If you press me, I must always answer " no." 
And if you ask me why 
I refuse, I must reply, 
lieeanse I don't know, 

.last so, just so. 
Ckon.i. Tis because I do net know. 

He travelled to the North, 
Long beyond the Frith 'of Forth, 

And a boat he hired to row; 
Rut they said, " What the deuce 
Of a boat, Sir, is the use, 
If a-fishing yon 'd go," 

Just so, jnst so. 
Chnrux. If a-fishing you would go, just so. 

So he paid his money down, 
It was more than half-a-crown, 

For a man who the way would show ; 
Says he, " You 'II take my rod, 
For the tittlebat and cod. 
Says the man a-grinning, " Yes ; 

I so, just so." 
Chorus. Says the man a-gnnniiig. Yes, just so. 

Then there came another man, 
For the job two miles he ran, 

And his mate he called him JOB, 
And they carried rods and cans, 
Nets and compasses and plans, 
In single lile they marched. 

.lust so, jnst so. 
norm. In single tile they marched, jwt so. 

Say the men, " In this here stream 
Swim perch and dace and bream, 
And mackerel and trout alto." 

Thus spake his pleasant guide 
When a- walking by his side, 
" Tliat 's very nice," says he, 

Just so, just so. 
I'horitt. That's very nice, says he, just so. 

The fishes in the tide 

1 )id race and jump and glidr 

With very many sorts of roe, 
And the grayling swam a<< 

,lil ' VOUl, 

Both nuking at tip- bank. 

Both winking at the bank, ;* o. 

He threw his line and hook 

In the way he 'd learnt by book, 

And walked till he rn-?an to blow ; 
But everythinir 

And angrily lie 

"Jnst so, just so." 
And angrily he cried, just so. 

When for hours he had fished, 
" ll isn't what, I willed," 

He exclaims in a tone of woe ; 
" And oh, I so perspire, 
If, my friends, you will retire, 
I shall jump into the stream, 

Just so, just so." 
TM. I shall jump into the stream, just so. 

So they went behind the rocks, 
Which funned :i k " ' "i uueks 

Hound the bath which lay below ; 
Kirst he looks about, then peels, 
Thnn you only .-ee his heels 
As he jumps into the stream 

.hist so, jmt M. 
Cbonu. As he jumps into the stream, jnst so. 

When twice or thrice he 'd dived 
He felt very much revived, 

And he scrambled on the bank. Bat, la ! 
Though he stood upon tiptoes 
He saw no clothes nor hose, 
He most walk home as be is 

Just so, jnst so. 
Own*. He must walk home as he is, jnst so. 

Now, what was he to do ? 
I do not know, do yon ? 

And the time passed very slow ; 
He had nothing on his back, 
And he couldn t get a sack, 
Nor a waistcoat, nor a pair - 

Jnst so, jnst so. 
C/teru*. He was very rnach perplexed, just o. 

He was never seen again, 
Ah ! I mention it with pain, 

Bat a figure, with a face like dough, 
Is at night seen in the North, 
Searching near the Frith of Forth 
For the somethings he has lost, 

Just so, just so. 
Ctonu. For the somethings he has lost, jut so. 


The Legend has been told, just so, 

And if to the Frith you go, 
There 'a a Modest Ghost that seeks, 
Through the valley for his breeka, 

And vanishes if once yon show. 

To Several Habitual Correspondents. 

Ir SIR SAMUEL RAKEK is going to the Nile Basin, that is no reason 
rhy yon should rout out a grey old joke, and ask us whether he will 
afterwards proceed to the River Plate. 

EASV PCS Tire DRAFTS*.**. The Bill which has buen laid before 
the House of Commons relating to the Post Office Savings' Banks, is 
about the simplest ever drawn, consisting entirely of Saving clauses. 



[APRIL 24, 1869. 





of WhJtiwS, 8 ?^.' S. th "f^ wi !i h ' St , '.J^ff V CI :??" ! 5 wen ' * U > C , C T of Middles**, t the Pnntinif Offlw. of Maim. BnullmrT, ETan... * CS>.. 
ir, Ui tie City of London, and Published by him at No 86, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride City of London.-Sm ii*v, April M, IK 

1, 1669.] 




Puny Party. "WHY DON'T you TOUCH YOTO HAT TO xx, BOY?" 
Country floy. " So I WUL i' YEAOU'LL HOWD THE CA-AU !" 


PRESIDENT GHAUT (not the P.R.A.) is asked to recognise the Republic of Cuba. 
Of course it will be asked, with excessive wit, " what 's He-Cuba to him or He 
to Cuba?" But when the lauprliter shall have in some degree abated, Mr. Punch 
may remark, through the appropriate smoke of his mild Havannah, tlmt if he were a 
Cuban, he should gesticulate in a most remarkable manner for such recognition. 
For those who don't know anything about the matter are therefore probably 
unaware that the unfortunate Queen of the Antilles has been used worse than 

He soon came home, wealthy with Cuban plunder. Now, of course, the new 
Spanish Government intends to patronise every virtue that lived with BISHOP 
BERKELEY. But a Republic in the hand is worth two Constitutions in the bush. 
We have no burning desire to see Cuba annexed to the dominions of KING ULYSSES, 
but we are not altogether astonished at her emulating MRS. ARTEMUS WARD'S 
courtship, and saying, with an indescribable look at the American lover, " If you 
mean gittin hitched, I'm on." 

IT is probable, as the Pall Mall Gazette says, that, 

" If the time should ever come when certain vague and ill-understood notions, which 
shelter themselves under the phrase of the sanctity of human life, are permitted to be 
rationally considered, the question will be asked about others as well as murderers, and 
may receive an answer which, would more or less surprise, the present generation." 

If the sanctity of human life is to be held absolutely inviolable, sing old Rose and 
bum the gallows. But if that apparatus is to be employed at all, is there much more 
occasion for its employment given by the cutter of a single throat than by the 
breaker of numerous hearts, and the causer of several suicides? If CiLCRArr is 
necessary for the protection of Society from ruffians, is he not equally needful f9r 
its security against rogues whose fraud entails upon their victims death, and ruin 
to which death may be preferable. Hang fraudulent directors, or hang not at all. 


MY name it is BOB LOWE, 

Cutting down, cutting down ! 
My name it is BOB LOWE, 

Cutting down ! 
My name it is BOB town, 
And I 'd have yon all to know 
For retrenchment in I go, 

Cutting down ! 

Of saving I 've a plan, 

Cutting down, cutting down ! 
Of saving I 've a plan, 

Cutting .down ! 
Of saving I 've a plan, 
To tax each British man 
As lightly as I can, 

Cutting down ! 

To spare you money lost, 

Cutting down, cutting down ! 
To spare you money lost, 

Cutting down ! 
To spare you money lost, 
Your means which did exhaust, 
I '11 dock Collection's cost, 

Cutting down ! 

A building job immense, 

Cutting down, cutting down'.! 
A building job immense, 

Cutting down ! 
A building job immense, 
Proposed with vain pretence, 
1 '11 frustrate ; vast expense 

Cutting down ! 

No nonsense I will stand, 

Cutting down, cutting down ! 
No nonsense I will stand, 

Cutting down ! 
No nonsense I will stand, 
But keep, with steady hand. 
Whilst I the knife command, 

Cutting down ! 

I mean to peg away, 

Cutting down, cutting down ! 
I mean to peg away, 

Cutting down ! 
I mean to peg away. 
That tax-payers may say, 
" Continue, ROBERT, pray, 

Cutting down ! 

" You do jour best, we know, 

Cutting down, cutting down ! 
You do your best, we know, 

Cut ting down! ' 
You do your best, we know, 
To mitigate our woe. 
Our taxes, ROBERT LOWE, 

Cutting down!" 


OUR Colonial Friends will be enchanted to hear (as they 
have just been told) that they may be made Knights, if they 
deserve and desire the honour. An alteration has been 
made, in their favour, in the statutes of the Most Distin- 
guished Order of St. Michael and St. George. Mr. Punrh'i 
boxes are full of orders, stars, chains, jewels, and the like 
gauds, and he really forgets whether he has St. M. and 
St. G. among them. Consulting, however, his dearly- 
beloved Debretl, which is always at his hand, by day and 
by night, he perceives that the motto is Atupiciu* tielioru 
<ni. which, meaning the Promise of a Pleasant Evening, 
makes the collar just the thing to go out to dinner in. 
The Chancery of the Order is the Colonial Office ; and as 
there are some capital fellows among the Knights, and as 
he would like to give the Order a good start, Mr. Punch, 
Member for all the Colonies, will trouble LORD GRAN YII.I.E 
to send up a few collars, that Mr. Punch may try them on. 
The ribbon is watered Saxon blue, which just suits his 
delicate complexion. 




[MAT 1, 1869. 


F MONDAY. April 19. Rather a fragmentary sort of week hath to be 
accounted for. Dear LORD REDESDALE began it by bothering about 
that eternal Coronation Oath, which he still thinks debars the QUEEN 
from passing the Irish Church Bill. Punch utterly declines to try any 
more to make him understand the case, especially as he lias now got to 
the point of demanding an Act of Parliament enabling HER MAJESTY 
to dispense with the obligations of the Oath. That is, the QUEEN is to 
absolve herself from it with the aid of the Estates. Bat will she not 
do so in ordering La Seine le veul to be said over the Irish Bill ? LORD 
HEDESDALE seems to think the QUEEN is a personage of the mental 
calibre of GEpRGE THE THIRD, who replied to the explanation that 
he had sworn in an executive and not a legislative capacity, " None of 
your Scotch metaphysics;" or of GEORGE THE FOURTH, who, in a 
sober interval, wept over a Bill which he thought would affect his 
holy religion. LORD MELBOURNE'S pupil knows all about it, dear 
LORD REDESDALE, and you know all about railways. Stick to 'em. 

A Bill in regard to the Indian Council brought up the new peer, 
LORD LAWRENCE, amid general applause. He spoke for half-an-hour, 
very calmly, and as one who thoroughly understood his subject. He 
said that LORD MAYO was but carrying out with the Afghans a policy 
initiated by LORD LAWRENCE. There, M. VAMB^RY. 

MR. BRIGHT, on cigar smoking, commanded much attention. He 
objected to compel the Metropolitan Railway to provide smoking car- 
riages, as the trains would soon arrive every two minutes, and it would 
be impossible to sort, first the three classes, and then the three classes 
of smokers. So what was good for the Metropolitan District lines was 
held not to be good for the Metropolitan, and MR. SHERIDAN was 
defeated by 31. 

Sickly soldiers before discharge are not " cupped until the world 
goes round," or at all, except for medical purposes. 

We then went again into Committee on the Irish. Church Bill. 
Every amendment on which the Opposition divided was rejected by a 
large majority. MR. DISRAELI had, we are sorry to say, HORACE 
WALPOLE'S " Remedy," so could not attend, and MR. HARDY took the 
defeats in his absence. The date of Disendowment was fixed at 
January 1, 1871, the clause for effecting it was carried, the Irish 
Bishops were turned out of the House of Lords, and the Committee 
would not alter the clause for deducting compensation to curates from 
the income to incumbents. On this last division the Conservatives got 
their largest number since they divided on the Second Reading, but the 
figures were 330 to 232. 

Tuesday. The Lords discussed, and the Government disapproved, a 
Bill of LORD CLANRICARDE'S on the Tenure of Irish Land. The Bill 
is a mild one, and its object is to compel the use of Written Agree- 
ments for letting. But the mass of Irish tenants do not like this, and 
prefer verbal engagements, as more elastic. It is difficult to supply 
documents to an Affectionate People that settles conveyancing instru- 
ments by the light of the flash of a blunderbuss ; but if the system could 
be enforced, good would be done. Some Conservative Lords joined in 
the debate, rather (if Mr. Punch might be permitted to wink his 
thought) with the hope of extracting some damaging information as to 
Government Land plans, than for the sake of helping to adjust the 
question. But Lords GRANVILLE and KIMBERLEY would not be 
drawn, and so were informed that the Administration no doubt held 
dangerous and revolutionary views as to the rights of property, and 
that they would be responsible for all the Tipperary murders next 
winter. After which pleasantness, their Lordships went away. 

SIR EARDLEY EARDLEY, Baronet, was sentenced to imprisonment 
for a very cruel bigamy. His term has been abbreviated, and he is on 
the Continent. It was imputed that a powerful connection in the 
Ministry had helped him, but the explanations of the late and present 
HOME SECRETARY made it clear that he had been treated as any other 
diseased convict would be perhaps a little more rigidly. But it is 
always well to know why criminals are let off. 

Then did we not have a sensation? Did not MR. LOWE astonish 
the House ? There was debate on the Site of the New Courts of Law. 
The lawyers wish to adhere to the Carey Street location, and there are 
other objections to doing this besides the prima facie one that the 
course is acceptable to our natural enemies. The public, directed by 
the Demon ot Taste, according to SIR ROUXDELL PALMER, wish the 
new building to adorn our noble Thames Embankment. When the 
discussion had been protracted far into the night, the CHANCELLOR or 
THE EXCHEQUER rose, like Samxaa .Igonistes, to spoil all the architec- 
ture. He would agree to neither plan. 

" This uttered, straining all his nerves, he bowed 
As with the force of winds and waters pent, 
When mountains tremble, those two massy buildings 
With horrible convulsion to and fro 
He tugged, lie shook, till they rame out and drew 
Their two roofs after them, with burst of thunder, 
Upon the bonds of all who sat to hen-. 
The vulgar heard the howl who stood without." 

Pardon the slight variation on MILTON. But MR. LOWE, like the 
magnificent Armado, did excel Samson. For he not only destroyed, he 
erected. As for the Carey Street plan, it would cost Four Millions and 
more, and he would be no party to such extravagance. Nor would he 
build on the Embankment. But there was a site already cleared, 
between Cecil and Arundel Streets, Strand, and bounded on the north 
by Howard Street, which could be had for a reasonable sum, and there 
he proposed to build the Temple of Law. It would have no Strand 
front, but might have a splendid front towards the river. As he spoke, 
Father Thames, now a nice clean old man, quite unlike his former dirty 
self, rose from his purified tide, putting little salmons and whitebait 
tenderly aside, and held out his arms to the virgin Themis, imploring 
her to come and be his beautiful neighbour and love. Behold the 
Cartoon. Finally, MR. LOWE said that INIGO JONES had planned a 
Palace for CHARLES THE FIRST near the suggested spot, the plans were 
to be seen, and might be adopted. The House, simply staggered, 
could only beg that the subject might be adjourned ; and in about three 
weeks the Australian Slasher is to produce a Government scheme. 
Temple Bar, again saved, has been in such a paroxysm of joy ever 
since, that we hear that MESSRS. GUILDS' employes complain of its 

unseemly agitation, and threaten to ballast it with a few tons of sove- 
reigns, if it will not keep quiet. 

Electors of Dublin, an address was carried for inquiry into your 
Electioneering behaviour. Step out now, and say something for your- 
selves, for we 're in a mighty purifying inood. 

Of course, a new and reformed Parliament must be 
asked for its opinion as to marrying your Wife's Sister. We had the 
usual arguments, and the battle was ended by two of the Ministers, 
who opposed each other with all their might. MR. BRIGHT had never 
heard any real argument against the alteration of the law. He was a 
Quaker, and his sect had always allowed such marriages. Warriors 
and lords were bad enough, as SIR JOHN COLERIDGE'S relative, the 
great poet, had said, but priests were worse, and the opposition to this 
Bill was ecclesiastical rubbish. The SOLICITOR-GENERAL, nothing 
moved by the family quotation, responded that Christianity had for 
1500 years repudiated such marriages, that it was a woman's question, 
and that the women of England were not converted to the new doc- 
trine. He objected to the change 

" Because it endangers one of the most blessed and delightful relations 
which can exist between man and woman, because it narrows the circle of the 
iilt't'dion into which passion cannot enter, an affection which cultivates the 
highest and purest parts of our nature, and which they would all agree with 
Slu. BRIGHT in characterising as being that to which we owe a debt greater 
than we can express." 

On division the Second Reading was carried by 243 to 144, majority 
99, and the ladies in the cage called their gallery instantly set up such 
a clatter, clapping hands, waving handkerchiefs, and rattling parasols, 
that Mr. Punch, who seldom wonders at anything a woman does, 
almost wondered at such a demonstration, though he sternly rebuked 
a cynical Member near him, who growled that a good many females 
seemed very anxious for the deaths of their sisters. The Bill will be 
thrown out by the House of Lords, as matter of course. Do you 
remember what LOVID PALMERSTON said about it that it was a 
humane measure, for it would enable a man, though he married twice, 
to have but one mother-in-law. 

Thursday. What's the Tendering Hundreds Railway BUI? No 

MAY 1, 18G9.] 



railway people ever tendered us hundreds, and we should like to catch 
them at it. Whatever it was, the Lords passed it, aud we are (imte 
ready fur (lie money. 

LOHI. LYTTIJ ro moved the Second Heading of a Bill for making a 
ereat lot of new lilt le Bwhopi" subscription Bishops as the L 
>K SOMERSET amiably called them. The real Baron-Bishops gave it 
nit scant approval. ' ' KV, YORK, LOSDON, < K spoke 

against it. LoKD <\KSAK\'>N vud, tote ! not times when 
oiks would be very ready to risk ecclesiastical or educational widow. 
nents We hear you, my Lord. LOKI. LYTTLKTON said he had been 
called an enthusiast, but he had no desire to be particularly enthu- 
Mastic on that or any other question it was merely a m.< 
uithentic and common sense. 'Ihe Bill was rejected by 43 to 20. 
HOME SECRETARY KRUCB was asked why he had not hung one 
.vho had been sentenced to death for an atrocious outrage, 
lich he had committed another, and who, it you kill anybody at 
, lainly a savage of whom this world might as well be rid. 
i;icl a very good answer in the representations of ten i ot 
hejury.tJid in the recommendation of MB. Jtnwici tUJ 
ie desired to show that he had discharged his duty properly : out of 
eleven persons sentei'ced since he came into office, two proved to be 
nnocent, one was insane, two had been sent to penal servitude lor 
life, and he had hanged the other six. The House applauded. 

Irish Church again, and Compensation to Curates. If you want 

details, tin; daily papers are open to you. One amendment, m the 

of the poor Curates, was agreed to by Ma. GLADSTONE, and a 

reasonable present is to be made to them. The Organists make a 

)ioise hut ili) not receive much favour, which is not wonderful, if 

.shave often heard Irish church organs. The only incident 
was rat her a neat quotation by Mu. Hi MM OUD HOPE, who, looking 
towards MR. SYNAN, Catholic Member for Limerick County, said, 

" Viotorquc SINON incendia miscet 

Now this was good, and Mr. Punch is not pleased with MR. SYNAJT, 
who, instead of accept invr a classical fling as a compliment, as scholars 
and }." usually do, answered angrily, and borrowed a second- 

i.nhet of scoff M Mu. More. An Irishman not take a joke! 
Could he not>-for lie waited a long time to reply have run into the 
libra, Si-EsinitP This event convinces 

us that Catholic Emancipation ought not to have been granted. 

Friday. LORD MONCK, of Ballytrammon (what a good name), late 
Governor-General of the Dominion of Canada, called attention to the 
state of the Army, which he did not think at all adequate to our require- 
ments. The Uuder-Secretary for War, Lone NORTOBROOK. thought 
better of it, but announced' various improvements. The DUKE ot 
CAM BIUDOK hoped that there would be no destruction of the present 
system until another should have been tested. Our GEORGE a speech 
was very sensible, but in manner a beautiful illustration of the way 
veterans hammer the same allegation into you a dozen tunes consecu- 
tively. LORD TRURO most properly urged the Government to look 
after the Volunteers. 

Irish Church again. Amendments intended to improve the carnal 
prosperity of the deposed Church all defeated. The docile way in 
which both sides obey their leaders is lovely. Ouly a few of the chiefs 
really understand the details of the Bill. If you suddenly asked one of 
the rank and file on either side to explain the purport of the proposed 
insertion for or against which he was going to vote, you would get an 
answer much in the style of Jofph Surface, when the screen has fallen. 
But the faithful followers never go into wrong lobbies. 

"They know this truth, enough for them to know, 
DisitAELi walks out thia way that way I. '<\\ a." 



THAT this present were my dwelling-place, 
With one steam-servant for my minister ; 
Then I 'd dispense with all JKMIMA'S race, 
And, hiring none, keep it instead, of her. 
Tc mechanists, by whose unceasing stir 
New helps are still invented, can ye not 
Construct me such an engine ? Do 1 err 
Jn deeming such will work in many a cot, 
Though with one to be blest may never be my lot ? 


THE sleepy habits of some of the Members make it certain that there 
is one kind of hat seldom seen in the House the Wide-awake. 

A MONEYED MAN. From an account of the Yeomen of the Guard 
we learn that one of the officers is called " The Clerk of the Cheque." 
Of course lie acts as Paymaster? 

AY -!)AT! Instead of asking 
IA whether 

llicy went out shopping this morn- 
ing, or for a ride 111 the " Kow," 
or a walk along the charming new 
landscape garden in the Park, 
inquire of them whether they got 
up early, and went .Maying with 
their young companions of tin- 
upper classes in the \Villedcn 

. and had a May .M 
with Jack-in-tbe-Gmm and tin- 
chimney-sweepers of the vicinity in 
-iume ; and what spoil 
of scented hawthorn blossom and 
wild (lowers they brought 
to the family mansii 
Grandiion Street: and how they enjoyed dancing tip 
the Mavpole in the Strnnd, reared at daybreak by the Metropolitan 
i'n the presence of the LORD MAYOR and Sheriffs ; and whether 
they did not tind May-dew, applied as a wash to the complexion, a 
wholesome and sufficient cosmetic ; and who, after a ballot, was elected 
en of tin: May," and what objection they see to giving up the 
Opera for this one night, and going, in sedan-chairs and chariots 
lighted by link-boys, to any hill conveniently situated they may choose 
to select, Mount Primrose, or Ben Haverstock, or the Peak of Stam- 
ford, or, perhaps, the more sylvan Denmark, there to kindle, will 
NT AND -\1 AY'S matches, blazing fires, in revival of the ancient 
-pell it with a " K ") heathen festival known as " Beitem,' and 
fullydetailed in the works of that luminous historian, IGMISS PiuXMW? 
HE and AUGUSTA may not be able to report that they nave 
performed any of these rites and ceremonies, and may elect to go to 
William Tell, or MRS. CLIFTON CI.K\ K.I.ANI.'S dance, m ' green light-of- 
day tulle," in preference to rambling on Herne or Netting Hill ; bat 
you will have had the opportunity of displaying your antiquarian know- 
ledge, to which, when you brush against the chimney-sweepers, you can 
impart a more modern turn by references to MBS. MONTAGU, and the 
"youns nobleman," as dear CHARLES LAMB calls him, who was lost, 
and found, all in black, in the state bed at Arundel Castle, and 
the dinner she used to give to the London sooties on the first of 
May, and the sweet voices of the Oxford choristers singing their 
morning carol on fair Magdalen tower; concluding with a classical 
allusion to the Roman " Ploralia," held in ancient times at this period 
of the year under the patronage of the resident nobility, clergy, and 
gentry, which you will translate into Flower Games, or Flower Shows, 
and so adroitly bring your fair and dark hearers back home to the 
Regent's Park and South Kensington Gardens, where, by a happy con- 
spiracy, you all met to see the spring flowers, sat under the Upas Iree 
(which, from its supposed fatal power of causing the death^ of every 
I person who came near it, ought to have been called the lou H on t pass 
Tree) admired the new voluptuous blossoming shrub from the Cordilleras 
1 Hookeria Sfr*mtiosiimamA noted the last novelty in omsols. 

Ask that Irish archdeacon, peeling an orange, who is recruiting his 
health ia furnished apartments in Piccadilly after the exhausting duties 
of his sequestered parish (Protestant population 20, emoluments M46, 
good substantial house, and some glebe), what the ' Kentish lire 
is which of late has been rather extensively consumed in public meet 
ings and assemblies where Mu. GLADSTONE is not idolised whether a 
sort of Protestant firework (wholly different from Roman candles) 
dangerous when entrusted to firebrands and of a highly inflammable 
character ; and talk to him nicely about Maynooth, and the POPE and 
the Jubilee he has been celebrating, and ARCHBISHOP MANNING, and 
his own prospects in the Archidiaconal future, until you have made 
him comfortable and happy for the rest of the evening. . 

As you are personally interested in the matter, being on the point of 
marriage with a lady who is one of six daughters, get, if you can, at 
the views of MR. Lorrus H. SMALLEY, the Member for New Sagent, 
on the Deceased Wife's Sister and Deceased Husband s Brother 
Question; or, if you are a lawyer, ascertain whether he inclines 
Carey Street or leans to Howard Street ; or startle the timid lady you 
took down to dinner, in a shy-coloured silk (there is a new novel worth 
reading In Silk Attire and HENRIETTA ANNESLEY is advising every- 
body to make the acquaintance of her namesake, Hetty, m Once a Week) 
by asking her if she has seen the article in one of the scientific periodicals 
on " The Lion in Britain," which great " carnivore ' she has hitherto 
hoped was confined to the Zoological Gardens, where you can recom- 
mend generally all who have a taste for the ferocious to go and see the 
young Wild Cat ; or condole with the company round on the possi- 
bility of the revival of the great Convent Case, which you forgot at 
the time to say was a nonesuch ; or, finally, having reserved it as a 
bonne Louche, thinking the subject one certain to arouse universal 
interest, set yourself to elicit the opinions of all at the social board on 
the Bulgarian question. 



[MAT 1, 1869 





(After MARLOWE'S " Come live with me, and be my love") 

COME build by me, and be my love, 
And we will all the pleasures prove, 
That spite of PALMER aud of FIELD, 
BOB LOWE and STREET and LATAED yield. 

Here you shall sit on granite blocks, 
And see the Lawyers shear their flocks 
Of shallow clients, to whose squalls 
Sweet mud-larks shall sing madrigals. 

Here will I bless thy servants' noses 
With smells as sweet as scent of roses ; 
I, whose foul breath was wont to curtail 
The joy of whitebait and Ship turtle. 

A stately mansion, reared by STREET, 
(Not Strand), no gaudv home but neat 
Its fair front on my banks shall show, 
Where high thou 'It sit, at cost but low. 

For lo ! thy friend that PALMER stayed, 
Hath a front by him ready-made, 
INIGO JONES'S that, for thee. 
Unto STREET'S body tacked shall be. 

A site, with access for JOHN BULL, 

To leave thee, shorn, or bring thee wool; 

With air and light, thy scales to hold, 

That weigh Law's brass with Bight's pure gold. 

Smokeless, the Temple Garden studs, 
Jbor me, its green with pompon buds 

And if these pleasures may thee move, 
Come build by me, and be my love ! 

Leave foul and frowsy Carey Street, 
For bills to flare and cats to meet ; 
To other tenants sold, not thee, 
That site, like its supporters, be ! 

The Temple swains will dance and sing, 
If to my banks thy halls thou bring : 
Then from dull Lincoln's Inn remove, 
And build by me, and be my love ! 


ONE Supreme Court! Law and Equity to mean the same! All 
suits to begin in one Court ! No more quibbles over mistakes ! Real 
Justice ! Such are the grand features of the Report on Judicature, 
made by the highest legal authorities. The news is too frightful to 
be treated lightly. Numbers of the profession are, we hear, studying 
the last passages in the life of AHITHOPHEL. But let them not be hasty. 
There is another chapter, called the Chapter of Accidents, that has 
been very consolatory to the afflicted. As SIR WALTER says, " It 's a 
beautiful thing to think how longand how carefully justice is considered 
over," especially how long. Don't let them imitate AHITHOPHEL, 
beyond " saddling their asses" clients, we mean. There's no hurry 
for either the legislative, or what FARADAY would call the induced 
boon to the nation. 

Scotland Yard. 


THE Public are cautioned to be forbearing to the Police, who are 
unavoidably irritable while their Beards are in stubble. B r ORDER. 




MAY 1, 1869.] 





' OLD lUiiMidoii, the Jolly Old Cock, was there, hearty and honest 
as ever. GOOSEY was somewhat troubled in hia mind as to what his 
parent's reception of him would be. seeing that, on their last partin?, 
he, Gonshi, had, so to speak, been kicked out of doors. To see OH 
BAUMH.OK salute his son in his heartiest manner, was, as LADT LYNX 
observed, really quite toucliing; and then how courteous and pleasant 
he was with Miss IDA DRAKE, in whom lie hud then no idea that he 
was welcoming a future daughter-in-taw. Hut LADY LYNX saw it all, 
knew it all, every bit of it, better than we did, who were, to a certain 
in the secret. 

LAHY l,vs\ having disposed of her own encumbrances to advan- 
tage, undertakes matrimonial speculations for friends, as it were, on. ' 
commission. No one who knows her Ladyship would urge, for a 
moment, that marriages are made in Heaven ; unless he were inc! 
to flattery, when an explanatory addition could be made to this effect : 
"Or in your Ladyship's drawing-room, which is the same thing." If 
such spiTiilau ma were a thoroughly recognised business, then on 
LAIIV Lrsr'a cards would be inscribed. "Matrimonial Promoter. 
Managing Directress of the Holy Alliance Company. Unlimited." 

How many excellent matches has not this enterprising woman made ! 
Of how much misery lias she not been the muse ! 

Misery! Bah! That's their affair : not hers. She brings them . 
together. She introduces MISTER KARYT to Miss GUINEA PIGG, the 
Scotch heiress, panclte and gawky, with red hair and an irritable nose ; 
she brings them together, throws them together, leaves them together, 
drops hints of KAUJT'B passion for Miss PIGG, and regrets that she 
(LAJIY LYNX) having been made the confidante of RABYT'S secret. 
cannot, betray him to lur : though - And. here she will break off ana 
exclaim that she wonder* how some people can be so blind. Then she 
gives Miss Pico a little smart kiss on the forehead, and two little 
good-natured taps with her fan on her arm, just as the servant enters 
announcing " Mit. RABYT." 

" How curious are these coincidences ! We were only this moment 
speaking of you." And here my Lady casts a significant glance at 
MR. RABYT, who utterly fails in an attempt to appear at his ease: while 
Miss I'IGO, in shaking nands with the visitor, can hardly trust herself 
to throw her large eyes up at him, lest he should then and there go 
down on his knees on one of the large flowers in the pattern of tne 
carpet, and make an impassioned declaration. 

I f M R. RABYT, aged twenty-two and with plenty of money (" Money 
clings to money," says LADT LYNX) is led to propose to the Scotch 
heiress with a Jamaican fortune, well, they deliver themselves to each 
other of their own will, by their own act and deed. Cupid lights a 
hymeneal torch, and, being a universal lamplighter, has to run off, 
ladder and all, to the next post, and thence to the next street. If 
there 's a poor supply of oil, out goes the lamp. It is hard to blame 
LADY LYNX in such instances : yet they do. The parties themselves 
blame .her, and wish they 'd never entered the Dowager's drawing- 
room, or been placed under her chaperonage. 

She knows this no one better. "But, my dear," she says, quietly 
nodding her head, "they come to me in their difficulties. And, 
assuredly, many a domestic rent has this invaluable woman patched np. 
Aristocratic clothes-carts, with baskets crammed full of dirty linen, are 
driven up to the Lynx laundry, where the washing and cleaning is 
carried on with the greatest possible secresy. 

When LADY LYNX chats with you (she is delightfully chatty), she 
merely indicates her knowledge of a scandal here and there, as baits to 
draw you out, and discover wnat you may know about the affair, what- 
ever it is. She took up Miss WEASEL, a very wide-awake young lady, 
without a fraction of a consol in her possession, and married her to 
SIR GUY Fox, the Catholic baronet, of ancient lineage, with one of the 
finest estates in England, which he had some idea of giving up to his 
brother ami entering Into the ecclesiastical state, had it not been that 
while he was ileliaiin;* the subject with himself, he paid a visit to his 
cousin, LORD ST. REYNARD'S, where LADY LYNX came, bringing as her 
companion Miss WEASKL, who, professing intense dissent from the 
baronet's religious opinions, showed an under-current of inclination 
towards being converted to the tenets of his faith. 

"Catch Miss \\'HASKL fast asleep," said her Ladyship, playfully, to 
SIR GUY, " and win a pair of gloves of her." And the guileless baronet 
did it too. 

\\lun Miss WEASEL became LADY Fox, her kind friend, LADT 
LYNX, "who had been a second mother to her," (her first being in a 
very humble sphere of life, and kept judiciously in the background.) 
was always gushingly welcomed at Holecastle, SIR GUY'S seat, which 
had been in the Fox family for centuries. But, after a time, a coldness 

ew up between them, and when, in two years' time, little Guv v. as 

rn, the Old Fairy didn't receive her invitation to the christening. 

She did not arrive, however, in a chariot drawn by dragons, and did not 
prophesy any ill to the child. She only said in confidence to L\I>Y 
DODO, "NELLY WEASEL will want me one of these days. I know her. 
I am told SIR GUT is very devout, and is giving up all balls and par- 
ties. She is not made for a dull life. They tell me LORD MOTH has 
been staying at Holecastle lately." 

LADT LYNX could have pointed out to OLD BARNDOOR the Little 
Duck as his daughter-in-law, with the very time and place of the pro- 
posal that evening, had it served her purpose to notice such small 

Within a week the DORMOUSES, in whose family you may remember 
M iss DRAKE was governess, knew all about it, and communicated with 
the Ki v. MK. DRAKE, her father, in tint Then GOOSEY had 

to go through the ordeal of a visit to the Jolly Old Cock, when that 
amiable old gentleman told him that he was throwing himself away, 
that he had expected, from the society in which he had seen him, he 
would have made a good match, and more to the same old purpose, 
finishing by condemning himself, in a most Christian spirit, to a fate 
worse than that of llamltts father's ghost, if he should ever allow one 
sixpence to a son who was so blaukedly ungra 

The fact was, he wanted all the sixpence* which should in time hare 
come to GOOSEY, for his own present use and benefit ; and what more 
natural reason for his own justification in this matter could there be, 
than the unfilial conduct of his sou ? For, as every one, who knew 
Oi.n BAHNOOOK'S parties and dinners, concluded. "There miul be 
something wrong in a lad who could behave badly to such a kind, 
good, .1 .ckasthat." 

The above interview with t he parent bird was, as I have said, a week 
or more after this party at the MACAWS, bat it was here that he 
politely yielded bis place at the supper table to a portly, middle-aged 
gentleman, with whom he fell into conversation, and to whom he was 
subsequently introduced by MR. DORMOUSE Senior, when, to poor 
GOOSEY'S dismay, he found he had been discussing legal points with 
the great SERJEANT TURKEY himself, whose name M a Quarter 
Sessional Judge, is a terror to prisoners, and whose presence is an 
ornament to any bench of magistrates. 

(To be Continued.) 


" The announcement of the majority of 96 for Second Reading of the Bill 
(for Legalising Marriage with a Deceased Wife's Sister) was followed by 
rattling of fans, clapping of hand*, and something very like cheering behind 
the lattice of the Indies' cage." Parliamentary Report. 

WEEK TOM CHAMBERS and BRIGHT, with unhallowed delight, 
Broke the barriers 'twixt husband and sister-in-law, 

Behind the cage bars, in LORD CHARLES'S* despite, 
Fans rattled, sounds rose 'twixt " hear, hear ! " and " haw, haw ! " 

Were those earthly fans in live hands that so rattled ? 

Came that eldritch laugh from live feminine throats ? 
Or was't bodiless spirits that giggled and prattled 

Their delight in those speeches, their joy in those votes ? 

Were they ghosts of dead wives, smart of old raws diverting 
With the thought of this new matrimonial blister, 

Of a wife, with the mission at once of asserting 
The rights of her sex, and the wrongs of her sister f 

Were they ghosts of wives' sisters, who wed in their life-times 

Cared neither for status nor statutes a straw ; 
Now exulting in prospect of legalised wife-times, 

For sisters-iu-love who are sisters-in-law ? 

Be those sounds from live women or spirits of dead ones, 
Woman lua made her voice heard in Parliament's halls ; 

And the gain of one mother-in-law for two dread ones, 
Must be set 'gainst the chances of sisterly squalls. 

Loan CHAKLES RUSSELL, the Sergeant-at-Arms. 

A Wonderful Feat in High Art for Lowe. 

(Suoject for a Grand Cartoon in the Salle del Pat Pert/Hi oftttt Sm> 
Law Courts.) 

As a Pendant to SAMSON carrying off the Gates of Gaza BOB Lows 
with INIGO JONES'S front upon his back ! 


Too Vague. 

AT the last meeting of the Geographical Society a paper was read 
giving an account of a " Journey through the Afar Country." There 
are so many countries which are " afar " interesting to geographers, 
that a rather more precise indication of the particular region meant 
might, perhaps, have been desirable. 



[MAY 1, 1869. 


SCENE A Lady's Boudoir on a Wet Afternoon. 



(From our Own Correspondent.) 


The Journal OJficiel, only published very late this morning, contains the 
following letter from the EMPEROR to M. KOUHER : 

M. le Ministre, On the 15th of August next it will be a hundred 
years since the EMPEROR NAPOLEON was born. 

This fact, M. le Ministre, is incontestible, if the major contains the 
minor. My respected Uncle was born in 1768. 

But, out of his adoration for France, he was pleased to advance the 
date of his birth. He was a Corsican, and his native island did not 
belong to us until he was a year old. Great and noble being, who 
could thus sacrifice his swaddling clothes on the altar of glory, and 
make himself a Frenchman in defiance of Providence ! A lie, baptised 
by genius, is a holier thing than a vulgar truth. 

During that long time plenty of ruins have been made, but the great 
figure of NAPOLEON has remained up-standing. It has been occa- 
sionally removed from Arches of Triumph, columns, and the like, when 
France foolishly and madly got weary of Napoleonism, but it has been 
replaced, for the present. 

To celebrate what we will designate the centenary of the birth of the 
man who called France the Great Nation because he developed in her 
those masculine virtues upon which empires are founded, is to me a 
sacred duty, in which the whole country will willingly assist. 

For those cavillers who pretend that France was a Great Nation, 
and was so called by Europe, centuries before my respected and Cor- 
sican Uncle was heard of, I have no reply but disdain. That France 
had valiant and meritorious Kings in old days it is impossible to deny, 
seeing that the Revolution which brought up my Uncle kicked their 
skulls about the churches in which they had been laid by the piety of 

Frenchmen. But who thinks of the stars of night when the dawning 
sun breaks forth in splendour F 

Others assert that my respected and Corsican Uncle was a Failure, 
even in the single art which he understood, that of slaughter. They 
pretend that he was beaten out of Russia, beaten out of Egypt, beaten 
out of Spain, whence a hook-nosed aristocrat had the insolence to follow 
a flying French army into France itself. Finally, they affirm that he com- 
pleted the list of his Failures at Waterloo, and that though his life was 
contemptuously spared, he died in transportation. Such reminiscences 
are abominable, and an abuse of memory, and I scorn to deal with 
them. But to recall grand historical memories is to strengthen faith in 
the future to do homage to the memory of great men is to recognise 
the most brilliant manifestations of the Divine will. 

I will not dwell upon my own superiority to my respected Uncle. 
He was Emperor only from 1804 to 1815, with an interval, whereas I 
have been Emperor from 1852 to 1869. Deus nobis htac otia fecit. 

Let us hold a JUBILEE in honour of my Uncle's alleged birthday. 

That it may be pleasant to everybody, let us increase our national 
expenditure by several millions of francs. Let us not waste them, 
however, upon the starving Schoolmasters of France (whose clamours 
are offensive, and who ought to console themselves in their penury 
with noble and elevated thoughts of their sacred mission), but let us 
give them to old soldiers who shared the defeats of my respected Uncle. 

I deplore the fact that though Frenchmen affect to be as alive as ever 
to a sense of the glory of France, and would be as prompt as ever to 
rush to war were her honour attacked, they are stupidly blind to the 
fact that there can be neither honour nor glory without Napoleonism. 
They hiss the war-songs that delighted their fathers, they laugh in the 
theatres at military sentiments that of old drove them to fever. Those 
pestiferous journals preach peace, and goodwill, and commerce, and 
dwell on the hatefulness of the conscription, which they say drags the 
flower of our youth to a useless life, or a bloody death. How can one 
argue with such materialists, or kindle the true flame in their stony 
bosoms ? Still, we will do what we can. 

I hear, with disgust not easily clothed in words, that the objectionable 

MAT 1, 1869.] 



KISM A HCK, having an inkling of my intentions, is ubout to carry a Bill in the so- 
called Prussian I'urli.-imrnt (how different from our frank and free Legislative 
Assembly !) for providing pensions for the surviving Prussian volunteers of 1813. 
This is, of course, a challenge. Noui verroni. 

Prepare the Bill for the new military expenditure, and let the proper officials 
make an example of all who must be intended by Providence to be destroyed, 
seeing that they are already driven so mad as to refuse homage to the manes of my 
respected Uncle. 

With this, M. le Ministre, I pray, &c., 4c., &c.' NAPOLEON 



" The Cuckoo has already been heard in our neighbourhood, her welcome notes 
bearing testimony to the extraordinary mildness of the season." Extract from Qaily 



OF course the Daily Telegraph knows all about it, when it tells us, apropos of 
the execution of SIIEWARD and the reprieve of WILTSHIRE, 

' The mill fart is, that reprieves are mere chance-medley. The Home Secretaries are 
overwhelmed with work ; they do the 1 est they can, by the help of certain rough-and- 
ready rules; until, after one or two exercises of clemcncj, the irresponsible balances which 
they hold tilt up, at the touch of fancy or a dogged opinion, and the culprit who happens 
then to ' lie for execution ' ' draws a blank ' in the Home Office Lottery." 

Shallow people, who do not draw their opinions fresh and fresh from the lips of 
our contemporary, might be apt to think that the HOME SECRETARY, who usually 
combines the qualifications of lawyer and statesman, in exercising so solemn a 
function as that of dispenser of the mercy which is one of the prerogatives of the 
Crown, would be likely to act under a grave sense of responsibility to weigh the 
reasons which have to decide the momentous issue of life or death, carefuDy and 
anxiously, to proceed, in short, in a way as unlike "chance-medley," or the guid- 
ance of 'rough and ready rules " as can well be imagined. 

The leading-article writer in the D. T. knows better. He has watched the 
Some Office Secretarial Staff, Private, Parliamentary, and Permanent, at their 
little game of tossing for " Life or Death," like the group of street urchins at their 
game of "Heads or Tails" in HOGARTH'S picture of the Idle Apprentice. He 
has seen Sportive Fancy, and Dogged Opinion, like Sin and Death at their 
diceing, in the Ancient Mariner tipping up the irresponsible balances kept in 

Whitehall for weighing Guilt and Innocence. He ha stood 
by while the convicts "lying for execution" were dipping 
into the Whitehall "lucky bag" for their chance of a 
reprieve, like Cockneys round a Wheel of Fortune at 

When one reflects on the probabilities of the case, by 
the light of what one knows of the station, education, 
and training of English statesmen, the feelings which are 
likely to guide them, the influences they habitually act 
under, ana tfieir liability to answer for their act* in the 
House of Couimci.f as well as in foro co*tcie*ti& t it is 
impossible not lu lo..l convinced that the It. T. is in the 
right on this matter as on all others, and that we cannot 
do better than accept its conclusions, till we are forced to 
correct them by the help of the HOME SECKKT\IIV'S straight- 
forward answer to a plain question put to him in Parliament. 


(Aid to ixrettiffalion. IteJiraltd lo Ike Dtalefiical 

SPIRITS, who are not only able. 
Through MR. HOME, to move a table, 
But also lift himself in air, 
Maintain him long suspended there, 
And float him in and out of casement, 
To gazer's horror and amazement, 
Assist him a live coal to hold, 
And place in hands which feel it cold, 
Whilst, touched, another hand it burns, 
Who stretch and shorten him by turns 
A foot and more above his stature, 
As much below his height by nature; 
Who make him do what MICHAEL SCOTT, 
With all his graniarye, could not. 
Things which with wonder would exhaust us 
More than the deeds of Da. FAOSTUS, 
Facts if a Barrister-at-law 
Did see, which facts he says he saw ; 
And if those facts had a foundation 
Outside of his imagination 
Now listen to an invocation : 

Say, Spirit* of departed folk, 
You can, or HOWITT is a moke, 
Lares, Penates, Lemures, 
Or Poltergeister what you please 
Why did you to your HOME prove lacking 
In time of need P Call you that backing 
Your friends, to keep yourselves aloof 
Just when their credit wants your proof ? 
When LYON venut HOME was tried, 
Why were you not at DANIEL'S side P 
You might have proved, by demonstration 
In open Court, his " levitation." 
When Counsel him did cross-examine 
You might have shown yourselves no sham, in 
Whisking JAMES, Q.C.'s wig off, or 
The wig of the Vice-Chancellor. 
And yet so much you did not, then. 
As scribble with his Honour's pen. 
Or even knock, with unseen blows, 
Upon the desk beneath his nose. 

Come now, will you a sign afford 
To Punch, when at his festive board, 
Your presence at that board revealing 
By hoisting it unto the ceiling P 
Nay, raise it but an inch or two 
To satisfy him that will do. 
What can you not, for his conviction, 
Give him one rap ? Your name is FICTION. 


"EDWARD" has been misinformed by the buffoon who 
told him that Spanish interests are represented in Parlia- 
ment by the O'Cosoa DON. 

Too FAST. What is " an Improved Driving Clock ? " 
Is it a companion to a Hunting Watch ? 

THB RBV. BENJAMIN SPEKE is going to be married, 
they say. Is it to be a run-away match ? 



[MAY 1, 1869. 





GENTLEMEN, you Lave got it at last. Do you see what Sin HOPE 
GRANT, a veteran General, says about you : 



He tells you only, my brave boys, what you yourselves knew, but he 
has now told it to the public, which is very ignorant and very good- 
natured, and admires your pluck, and your uniforms, and thinks that 
really you do very well, considering. Come, this sort of thing must not 
go on any longer. Meet, choose a small body of representatives, who shall 
nave power to bind you, and let them go down to the Horse Guards, 
and demand proper officers. The details may easily be settled, if you 
are in earnest. And if you are not in earnest, after SIR HOPE GRANT'S 
declaration, you may play at soldiers until you are tired. But you '11 
do nothing of the kind, my Household Guardyou'll choose your men, 
and send them to my friend GEORGE at the Horse Guards. He has 
promised to do what is right, and he means it. Come, elect. 

85, Fleet Street. pmNCJtj. 

A New Creature. 

THERE is a book called the Adventures of a Bric-a-Brac Hunter. 
Will some fellow of the Zoological Society have the kindness to inform 
" An Ignoramus " what sort of an animal the " bric-a-brac " is, and in 
what country the curiosity is found, and whether one can be seen in 
the Society's Gardens ? 


THE Seasons, we are often told, are changing and interfering with 
each other, but now the months also are getting into confusion, " May 
Meetings" being openly held in April. 


STUPID indeed, one would think, must be that constituency which 
sent to the House of Commons a representative capable of uttering the 
internecine arguments which follow : 

" Much had been made of the expression in Leviticus that a man was not 
allowed to marry the sister of his wife during the life of the latter, but many 
eminent Hebrew scholars were of opinion that in this, and in a number of 
other instances, the Hebrew word 'sister' merely meant 'woman.' It must 
not, however, be forgotten that the Jewish system exhibited a rudimentary and 
imperfect code of morality compared with Christianity. A system which 
tolerated polygamy could not be regarded in the same light with the religion 
of the Gospel." 

How, if the Hebrew word "sister" in Leviticus merely meant 
" woman " could the " Jewish system " tolerate polygamy any more 
than pork? The reasoning which provokes this obvious question 
occurs in a speech reported in the Times as that of MR. BERESFORD 
HOPE, who actually represents the University of Cambridge ! 

" Hot-Water Apparatus for Heating Churches." 

WE have received a long list of testimonials to tke merits of MESSRS. 
BLANK & Co.'s contrivance for this purpose. But read the articles in 
the Church-Union organs and the Record, and the speeches at the 
Dublin Church Conference, and then say what can equal Ritualism 
and Dis-establishment, as a " Hot- Water Apparatus for Heating 
Churches" f 


THE state of mind that man is in who risks largely in a lottery, and 
does not draw a prize, may be described as Blank Despair. 


Printed by Joseph Hmith, nf Xo 24 Holfnrd Squ.ire, in th" Parish of St. James, ClerkenwoU, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices ol Messrs. Bradbury, Evani, & Co , Lombard 
ttreet, In the Precinct of Whitefnurs, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London. S-ITI RDAT May 1, IMS. 

MAT S, 1869.] 





YOUNG Ladies, yonr attention if you please to this appalling intelligence : 

" It is said that the liisnor OF NEW JERSEY has refused to confirm young ladies adorning themselves 
with borrowed tresses." 

The term "borrowed tresses" is an euphemistic phrase, which means in plainer language 
liairthat has been grown upon another bead than the one which now is wearing it. Girls who 
buy this borrowed nair, for the purpose of adornment, are like the jackdaw that went strutting 
in the peacock's left-off plumes. They cheat the eye by seemiug prettier and more comely 
a wag would say more conibly than they naturally are ; and a Bishop is quite justified in declining 
to confirm them while they practise this deception, or else it might be hinted that they were con- 
firmed offenders. 


AlH " Ham Breitmann gift a barty." 

DISRAELI made a party ; 

What right had they to frown, 
If he did it on the principles 

In Wvian Grey laid down ? 
If a tool to ope bis oyster 

In Toryism he saw, 
And in the Tory peerage, 

A collective Carabas ? 

DISRAELI gave his party 
Much pleasure I 11 be bound, 

When in PEEL he thrust his dagger, 
And turned it round and round : 

When he hacked up LORD GEORGE BKN- 


In his figures and his facto ; 
Out of place, resisted reason ; 
In place, accepted facts. 

DISRAELI used his party, 

As his stepping-stone to place ; 
No more scruple in his conscience, 

Than passion in his face ; 
And climbed, and still climbed higher, 

And with flap-doodle fed. 
Their follies whom he flattered, 

And their foibles whom he led. 

DISRAELI taught his party 

(And they were not slow to learn), 
There never yet was principle 

But inside out 'twould turn. 
That what *s a lie in Whig mouths 

In Tory mouths is true : 
And Household Suffrage always 

Was a genuine jTory view. 

DISRAELI led his party, 

Two several times to. power : 
To raise the cost of ruling, 

Its character to lower. 
Now of ape and now of angel 

The part so well did play, 
As to perplex plain Tones, 

And drive able ones away. 

DISRAELI had a party 

Where is that party now ? 
Like sheep without a shepherd, 

Queered where to turn or how. 
Yearning for SALISBURY'S courage, 

Or PEEL'S blunt sense of right ; 
Or following HARDY'S banner, 

Straight-forward from the light. 


DESCRIBING a fashionable residence in 
Paris, a New York Correspondent states 
that the chief bed-room is " extremely com- 
fortable," having 

" In one corner a piano, on which old matters 
are played for private enjoyment" 

Tastes differ, we all know, and what in 
Paris is thought comfortable, in England 
may be deemed to be exactly the reverse. 
Fond as we are of music, we should never 
dream of putting a piano in our bed-room. 
Fancy the delight of being waked in these 
light mornings about four o'clock, A.M., by 
one's wife playing the old masters for her 
private enjoyment ! Why, it would be actu- 
ally worse than the Waits ! 

" Motley 's your Only Wear." 

MB. MOTLET is coming. America in the 
person of REVERDY JOHNSON, has had enough 
of dinners. MR. MOTLEY comes in for get- 
ting her desserts. 




[MAY 8, 1869. 


MONDAY April 26. The Lords had what our old friend RABELAIS 
would have called a jolly little great debate. Well, we do not insist 
upon its jollity, save that all rows are conversationally said to have that 

founding a family. EARL RUSSELL, in defending his Bill, said that 
JOHN LOCKE would have made a good peer, and that JOHN MILTON 
was equal in business talents to LORD MALMESBURY, with the addi- 
tional advantage of having written Paradise Lost. It was also agreed 
to consider the process of making Scotcti and Irish Representative 

u>juu ii~> j....,, i Peers. And in the course of the debate the DUKE OP BUCCLEUGH 

quality. But it was little -. also great. Some Conservative Lords, and , " repelled with scorn and indignation " an imputation that had not been 
one remarkable Lord who hath been in his time a Liberal, and some- ma d e . Q OO ^ me i drama, banished from the stage, takes refuge in the 
thing more, were minded, mark you, to make it clear unto the pro- ' Senate. 

moters of the Irish Church Bill that the measure need not indulge j Took his seat in the Commons LORD HYDE (son of LORD CLAREN- 
itself with any hopes of an affectionate reception up aloft. And bet ore DON ) the new Member for Brecon. Ha ! 'Punch has mentioned this 
dinner, which must have been eaten about nine o clock, the amiable you ng noble before, but. it was a very long time back, and when he was 
intention had been carried out with a vigour worthy ot a better a - very young noble. One who 'singeth no more sang the wail of a 
cause. loving footman in the service of LORD CLAU'NDON, then leaving Ireland, 

Firstly, did LORDS LISMORB, BATH, CAIRNS, and MALMESBURY ^^ taking with him his family and maidens- 
make strong, but not too strong reference to the Tipperary murders. 

They insisted that Government ought to say whether repressive mea- 
sures were not to be adopted. This was all right. But it was a good 
deal less right (when LORD GRANVILLE said that the LORD LIEUTENANT 
OP IRELAND had telegraphed to beg that the question might not be 
pressed) to try to pin the Ministers to a date for giving information. 

t r-, _!_ \_* i : ,J ,,.,,.4 ^.c ;<- ; ,, .,t 4-^ 1^*- *v. 

" And little LORD HYDI, and the Chewtor, 
And what will I do 
Without you, 
MEAKY, with eyes of the blue." 

MR. LAYARD re-stated MR. LOWE'S plan for the New Palace of JUS- 

LORD SPENCER is minding his business, and part of it is not to let the tice, the Home of Themis, or whatever else we are to call it. Govern- 
assassins or their Fenian or priestly sympathisers know what he is | ment resolves that it shall not be on the Carey Street site, and shall be 
going to do. ! on the Howard Street site. All the judges, except' one who had not 

But, the drama having begun with a dark scene, its tone was pre- been consulted, were stated to approve the change, 
served. Nominally discussing LORD CLANRICARDE'S Bill, the Oppo- ! The young Minister, MR. TREVELYAN, won his spurs by a speech 
sition Lords endeavoured to show that the disaffected state of Ireland , introducing a Bill for the reform of Greenwich Hospital. All the old 
was due to Anti-Church agitation, that Government had unsettled salts are to be sent away with pensions to be spent where they like, 
opinion on the rights of property, that Irish land would become un- ; except, those who require the shelter of an infirmary, and these are to 
marketable, and that the peasantry fully believed that MR. GLADSTONE, be sent to Haslar and elsewhere. The present infirmary is to be given 
in return for election support, meant "to give them the land." These ;to the Dreadnought hospital. Government has not made up its mind 
pleasing utterances were varied by quotations from MK. BRIGHT i what to do with INIGO JONES'S grand building. The merchant seamen 
whom LORD DUFPERIN cleverly defended, and from MK. BRUCE, the who have contributed their sixpences for ten years are to have 4000 
only drawback to the effectiveness of these second citations being the [ a-year among them they have long complained of being wronged, and 
trifling fact that the HOME SECRETARY had never said the things have been answered that the fleet protected the navigation by which 

imputed to him. 

DUKE OP ARGYLL, indignant, told the Opposition plainly that in 
pretending to be impatient to settle the land question, they were 

_*__!_;____ J.1- _* 1__ A. f il T_:_l_ /"I I.... _-.U "Dill ~U. WM_ 4-nn nn rvv-ir 

they lived. This shows the advantage of going on grumbling. 

Scotch game seems a grievance, but landlords can get such enormous 
rents from rich Englishmen who like sporting, that the tenants have not 

[) J t'l t .IRllllli LU UC J.UlUill'iCIJ.l; \j\J actt'lC tllU IUU. m*.^ouiv/ii.j vn^j T^/IV/ , it-iii/o LI 

manifesting their hate for the Irish Church Bill. He was too angry. ! been listened to. However, something is to be done now. While the 
however, to enforce this palpable truth with effect, and the practised legislation is on, could not a clause be put in for hanging the man who 
advocate, LOKD CAiRNS-amplified over him with some success. murders an eagle ? How could SIR EDWIN have painted that picture, 

But it was for LORD WESTBUKY'S speech that we all looked, and he if all the eagles had been murdered, as they will be a precious time 
was serene and defiant. If the Government had a land scheme, we before we have another LANDSEER ? 
ought to know something about it. Most important was the question A most particularly objectionable debate was raised by MR. NEW- 

of fixity of tenure. Unless the Ministers had views thereon, they 

DEGATE over the alleged confession of O'FARRELL, the Fenian who 

ought not to have unsettled the question of ecclesiastical tenure. As sought to slay the DOKE OP EDINBURGH. Ministers very properly 
for the Church Bill, we had been told that we must accept or reject it. I refused to make the House a party to publishing such ribald trash. 
Just so. But was there not a third course ? The pacification of Ireland j And a Bill for dealing with the aoominable Beershops, which demoralise 

being the sole pretext on which such a measure was pressed, could we 
not postpone it until we had the whole Pacification scheme before us ? 
Well asked, thought the Opposition Lords, who began to discover 
that the once dreadful LORD WESTBURY, Bishops' Demon of the Privy 
Council and annihilator of other demons, had much goodness and 
wisdom in him. LORD GRANVILLE did not say what he thought, but 
we shall hear at fitting time. He says he talks slip-slop, but nobody 
talks better. 

LORD CLAITRICABDE, graciously assuming that Ministers had pro- 
mised that their Land Bill should not be destructive of the rights of 
property this must be a great comfort to us all postponed Committee 
on his Bill till the 25th May. 

In the Commons we went on, nndaunted, with the said Irish Church 
Bill, and MR.DISRAELI (recovered) made a smart speech, in which he set 
forth that the gracious and generous Bill which had been promised in 
the autumn had been made a sweeping and severe one. The PREMIER 
replied that it was as G. and G. as it could be, but such a measure 
must also be S. and S. But he assented to some minor amendments 

suggested by MR. DISRAELI. 
Then we had a goodish fight. 

The Government had proposed that 

Twelve Irish Churches we mean actual edifices should be preserved 
as national monuments, and that the Future Church we mean 
ECCLESIA should be paid to keep them up. But it is thought that 
this is a sort of homage to the Protestant Church, so the clause was 
struck out. Did not certain Protestants rage, and declare that this 
was a concession to the Papists, made at the command of CARDINAL 
CULLJEN ? However, majority 100 settled that matter. 

Then there was a Glebe Houses wrangle, in the course of which 
SIB, HERVEY BRUCE politely observed that the observations of MR, 
GLADSTONE were disingenuous, even for him. Of course he apologised 
on demand, but scarcely mended the affair by saying that he really did 
not know in what words to express his meaning. 

Tuesday. The Lords read a Second Time, and without a division, 
EARL RUSSELL'S Bill for enabling the QUEEN to make Life Peers. 
LORD DERBY, Iwwever. signified that Peers ought to be men of great 
estate, and that it should be expounded in the patents of the new class 

more clowns than can be counted, made progress. 

Wednesday. A Bill for improving the method of taking Evidence in 
the Divorce Courts was read a Second Time, on MX. DENMAN'S motion. 
LORD PENZANCE approves it, which is one thing in its favour, and 
another is that it is a further step towards getting rid of the idiotic 
rule of law, defended only by lawyers and therefore prima facie wrong, 
which prevents a Judge from asking for information from the very 
person who best knows the facts. 

Thursday. Another and another Irish murder. The desire of Members 
to know that the Government is doing something, cannot be blamed. 
The Irish Secretary stated that the executive would proceed with the 
utmost vigour, but deprecated the entering into details. There is a 
Ruffian called the Mayor of Cork, who has presided at a dinner to two 
of the released Fenian convicts, and who eulogised O'FARRELL, who 
wounded the DUKE OP EDINBURGH. MR. GLADSTONE said that the 
fellow's language could not be too severely condemned. Is there no 
loyal and strong-armed Catholic gentleman in Cork who will take a 
hunting-whip, and handle this Mayor as the Greeks handled Sos- 
THENES while GALLIO smiled ? 

Irish Church Bill all night. Government insisted that the Glebe 
Houses should be paid for. MR. MOORE, a zealous Catholic, was for 
giving them up freely to the Protestant clergy, but MR. O'REILLY, 
understood to speak for the Catholic hierarchy, would not assent to 
this. Majority for MR. GLADSTONE, 91. Then, after an interesting 
historical speech from MR. DISRAELI, who desired that the date of the 
private endowments, to be retained by the Church, should be put back 
from 1660, "to the Flood" said MR. GLADSTONE, "to 1560" said 
MR. HARDY, a majority of 80 supported the Government date. Prac- 
tically, the Church will not lose much by the decision the diverting 
thing is to see a theologico-historical era settled off-hand by an assembly 
a fraction of whom probably may know the difference between an 
USHER who was an Archbishop and the Usher of the Black Rod. MR. 
CHAPLIN, hitherto chiefly known on the turf, made an excellent maiden 
speech (on the Opposition side), on which he was gracefully congratu- 
lated by the PREMIER, whose praise is worth bavin 

I.OIM.VU, MUM vuav *v ouuiuu UC OA.yuuuueu 111 LUU (Jitlumb Ul I'UC IICW UlilSS 

that they accepted such a rank because they had not the means of | Friday. Both Houses were occupied with debate on the State of 

MAY 8, 1869.] 



Ireland, and there was much ^bitterness of incriminatiou and recrimi- 
nation. The Church Bill was laid aside in tin ( 'ominous that the 
Ministry might be assailed. GLADSTONE, BKIOIIT, STANLEY, CLAUD 
HAMILTON were among the Combatants. It was a good night to have 
an order for the Gallery. 


For Social Gardening : adapted to Prof Heal Cultioatori i* Stiff n 

LL the winter 
months you will, 
during your stay 
at various Country 
houses, have taken 
care to prepare the 
grounds for the 
seeds of innocent 

tlarck. Sow in 
time for the Lon- 
ti'in s* ;i*<-u. 

Beware of late 

Confirmed ba- 
chelors, or eon- 
lirmcd married 
men, may now set 
about destroying 
weeds. The sim- 
plest process that 
we can recommend 
is to cut IV the 
thin end, and 


light the other end 
with any inodorous 
match : inhale and 
exhale the smoke. Tuns the weed will be gradually destroyed ; and 
with the assistance of a few friends thousands may be got rid of in the 
same way. 

Box. To Ladiet. Box in all gardening operations is merely used as 
an ornamental border. The best for the purpose of setting off colours 
is the Opera-box : then the Theatre-box. Any box on the Grand Stand 
at Epsom or Ascpt will well repay whatever trouble it may have cost a 
careful mother with three eligible daughters. 

City men may cultivate stocks with a view to future operations. 

Jpril. Ladies can now make cuttings. In Hyde Park, in the Row, 
in the Hottest Houses, a cutting is easily made, and the objectionable 
person disposed of for the remainder of the season. 

Now is a good time to transplant affections. In all such operations 
you must treat them as you would early peas, and look well to the 

In ordinary gardening:, the proverb that "as you make your bed 

so you must lie on it," does not apply. The gardener, who was found 

;i his bed after he had made it, would be immediately dismissed. 

May. For Gentlemen. Now is the time for a good crop. One 
shilling to yonr hairdresser will do it. 

A good deal of careful and judicious dressing is required morning 
and evening. About this period wallflowers come into bloom ; they are 
to be effectively trained in rows, on landings, in ante-rooms, and up the 
stuiiTiiM's, of Mansions and Hot Houses during the Ball-giving season. 

To Ladies for the Tvil,ile Tn/ile. Pot 9ut rouge, and blonde de perk. 
Be careful about Jlella Donna and Indian ink. Trust in Cupid and 
keep your powder dry : also a powder-puff in your pocket. 

Bettering the Instruction. 

THE London Stereoscopic Company announces that its Pompeian 
Studio is peculiarly adapted for taking Portraits of Gentlemen on their 
own Velocipedes. 

The enterprising photographer, near Westminster Bridge, the polite 
attentions of whose " touter " all who pass that way must acknow- 
ledge, has improved on the brilliant idea of the Stereoscopic Company. 
He announces his " Ass-yrian Studio, peculiarly adapted for taking 
Portraits of Costermongers on their own Mokes." 



TUB Opera troop, last Monday week, 

H'lLrrt tli'- lir.cil were to do. 
I took a place to my own cheek, 

And other places I took two. 
Observe, 1 took our tickets 

The lime Four Thirty. \Vlicn I took 
Those tickets, also let me s' 

I at the same time bought a Book. 

The Book was. at Four Thirty, mind, 

In, :uitl /',', rfn, still, 
To TITIEXS with her purl assigned, 
i 1 posted then in every bill. 
Inim my seat, 
1 had tied. 

A i"l there, to my disgust complete, 
// Trot a/ ore was instead ! 


Dashed may 11 Troratore be! 
I forked out for Rulirrto'i sake. 

// Trvn/'/rr- \\M\S for me ! 
I jmid my price for XI t TERBKKR ; 

To get my money's worth I fail : 
Get swipes for stingo, and a mere 

Allowance of your smallest ale. 

To keep engagement* my design 

If any arc ild croai, 

As was the undertaking mine. 

So I ihnii hwe to Mad tte >. 
Dealers, for special wares prepaid. 

If a impartible concern, 
Wlio cau't perform the promise made, 

The money taken do return. 

Such dealing did, I grieve to say, 

At Covent Garden not appear ; 
My money was all thrown away 

On stun at sixpence all too dear. 
Who pays his money takes his choice, 

As righteous showman's law is known ; 
In no such luck did I rejoice : 

The choice was HOBSOS'S, not my own. 

Of course this cannot be the rule ; 

'Twas no intentional device : 
For nobody, except a fool, 

Once sold so, ever would be twice. 
Tliu restitution was forgot 

By a mere oversight that's plain, 
And, I am confident, will not, 

In time to come, occur again. 


WHY should all Steamboat Smoke be suppressed? Because it's an 
in-funnel nuisance. 


THERE are other topics besides the Irish Church engaging the 
anxious attention of the Cabinet. Curates, and organists, and pew- 
openers, are not the only persons whose wrongs wring the hearts of 
Her Majesty's Ministers. The entire Civil Service will rejoice to 
hear (according to the Pall Mall Gazette) that 

" The great ' Penknife question' has been set at rait bv the cancelling of 
the order that no more penknives should be iwued. Tlie matter wo*, we 
hear, carefully considered by the Cabinet." 

How true it is that the greatest minds can attend to the smallest 
trifles ! But we should like to know more particulars. Was there a 
sharp discussion on the subject, full of personal, not to say pointed, 
allusions? Did the Secretaries of State preserve their temper, 
or did they cut the Chancellors, and proclaim war to the knife against 
the Presidents P Will the indulgence thus granted to the Government 
Officials who were all, it is rumoured, on the edge of rebellion, end 
with penknives; and must pencils, which, we believe, were also 
included in the original ukase, be in future provided by struggling 
clerks with large families at their own expense? If so, let those who 
were foremost in restoring the public penknife, now take the lead in 
giving back the State pencil ; and let Ministers cede a point which is 
likely to prove a sore one if not instantly yielded. Cut down our 
pencils ! That would be too sharp practice. 







HUNGER is the best of cooks, said one of old. He was not altogether 
wise. The work of the best of cooks is lost on a ravenous man. 
But gentle hunger, which we call appetite, is delightful. Natural, it 
is best. It is good when gained by " brown exercise." It is not to 
be despised when helped on by sherry-and-bitters. It is even welcome 
when invited by bark. All agree that there is nothing so pleasant as a 
reasonable hunger. 

Yes. But there is one thing highly expedient. That is, the having 
wherewithal to satisfy this reasonable hunger. But why introduce 
such a common-place ? We all all who are worth thinking about 
have all we need; and as for the paupers, how many millions do we not 
pay yearly for work-houses ? Nobody need be nungry in England 
longer than he or she likes. 

Exactly ; and what a nuisance those newspapers are. They are 
always disturbing our satisfaction with existing arrangements. Just 
as we smooth ourselves down to a comfortable cigar and a glance at 
the criticism on the last play, which (the criticism) is not so bad, we 
come on a pestilent bit like this. A coroner has to view what is left of 
ELIZABETH WILSON, milliner, of Chelsea, aged 35. Having been far 
gone in consumption she could not do much work, and a quarter's 
rent being just due, her landlord distrains, much sooner than nsual, 
being a wise landlord, who knows that consumption may be rapid. 
However, she paid him 2 10*., but there was 5 owing. Broker left 
in possession. She could have crawled from bed to do a little work, 
but was not allowed to use her sewing-machine might injure it, per- 
haps, and so dimmish its value to the landlord. Clergyman comes, 
seeks a Relief agent, and a sovereign is paid, that she may use machine. 
Agent comes again a day or two later, and landlord has swept all away, 
and consumption lies on a bag of rags in a corner. Agent (a good man, 
MB. DAWES) sends her a bed and food. But ELIZABETH WILSON 
insists on dying. 

These things mil happen, and Punch would hardly have intruded 
Uie story on polite readers, but that it bears upon his opening remarks 
ELIZABETH told the clergyman 

" That, being an out-patient of the Hospital for Consumption, sho had plenty 
of physic, but that she dared not take it always, as it made her hungry, which 
she could not afford to be." 

Pray take notice, Mr. Punch is not blaming anybody. He never 
blames anybody. Things go in averages, and there must be an average 
of murder, fire, starvation, every year, to be duly tabulated, and argued 
on at Social Science meetings until dinner-time. ELIZABETH WILSON, 
unluckily for her, came into an average, and now is out of it, and at 
rest. There must be an average of landlords, too, who look a little 
sharply after their rights, and will be much comforted, we trust, to 
think that they did so, in the hour when the doctor says they may have 
"whatever they like" words set to passing-bell music. All Mr. 
Punch would point out is, that moderate hunger may, under certain 
conditions, be undesirable. Whether any sort of private visiting 
society, that could amuse the idleness from which the women of the 
period say they suffer so much, might look up such cases as these, is no 
question for him he piques himself on never being practical. He is 
half inclined to apologise for telling " the story of ELIZABETH." 

To Sir Edwin. 

120. The Swannery invaded by Sea- Eagles. Academy Catalogue, 1869. 

TRUE Poet-Painter ! the debt that you owe us 
From Genius's funds, you are constant to pay ; 

Your youth is renewed like the Eagle's you show us 
Far, very far off be the Swan's parting lay. 

Protection Wanted. 

THERE is a Bill now passing through Parliament entitled the 
" Sea-birds' Preservation Bill." This is a very commendable measure ; 
but would it not be advisable also to protect another class of creatures 
rather too much shot at just now ? Is not a Landlords' Preservation 
Bill desirable ? 




MAY 8, 1869.] 





7* the Stalli. 

Elderly Gentleman (from the suburbs, who hai brought kit youthful 
nephew, aged fourteen, by way of educating him mwstcally look* at ha 
watch). Ah, 1 thought we should be 109 early, (took, abuut and sect a 
flight sprinkling of people.) It won't begin for a quarter of an hour. 

Youtl.l whowould have come half an hour before* M could). 

Oh, that's jolly, Uncle. (Enthusiastically.) We shall hear the taming! ! 

*,and Nephew examines the programme ajter 

which an idea strikes him.) I say, Uncle, I should like to Lave a book 
they 're selling books. 

(foreseeing also that Mu-ten the Arts there are rrfretkmrnw. 
Oh, you don't want a book of this. (Nephew disappointed Uncle 
relents) Well, you can go and get a book. 

[ Furnishes him with half-a-crown. After a short interview with the 
Stall-Kef per, Nephew returns f and overcoming a natural inclina- 
tion to keep the change for himself, tenders it to his relative, 
f'nrle (generously). Fat it in your pocket. 
[Feels the satisfaction consequent on an act of disinterested IctnOMttt, 

and considers ike future refreshment question disposed of. 

Enter Two Ladies, escorted by a Military Jookinff Gentleman, who pats 

over Elderly Uncle's toes to their stalls. Military-lookina Gentleman 

following, holding his hat high up in the air, as if he'd been petrified 

in the act of cheering a speech. Ladies settle themselves in their seats. 

Vague Gentleman (of military appearance, i difficulties with hit hal). 

Very odd I can't (ret this 

[His head and shoulders disappear, and presently he cones up red 

and baffled. . . 

Habitue (compassionately, after watching the struggle). It s very simple 
-permit me. ISkow nim how to do it. 

Vague Man gratefully). Thank you, (pleasantly] all stalls are so 
awkward. (Laughs. Pause. Enter the Conductor into the orchestra. Par- 
tial applause .) Ah! (to Ladies) Here's COSTA! 
Habitue (kindly). No: AJLDITI. 

Vague Man. Oh, yes ; ha, ha ! (laughs as if at hit own absurd mis. 
take. To Ladies) I meant AEDITI. COSTA, you know, used to be 1 
mean at the old House. 

[Becomes mystified, as it suddenly occurs to htm that Covent iraraen 
was burnt down, and so was Her Majesty's, in which case where 
vat COSTA ? Before he can arrange his thoughts on thu subject, 
Overture commences.) 

Habitui (to his Friend). Charming overture. 
Friend (who doesn't like being instructed). Yes know it well. 

[Turn turn turns with his fingers on his opera-hat, as if checking the 

orchestra's performance. 

Vivacims Lady (between two other young mamed Ladies, attended by a 
Middle-aged Gentleman in a fourth stall; they are earnestly and audibly 
conversing during Overture). Yes, I told Mamma that WILLIAM couldn t 
get a place for him ; but you know MRS. BROMFIT will always say such 
unkind things of everybody, and so we settled not to do it. 
2nd Lady (much interested). It is so like her. 
'irrl lady (equally interested). And wasn't it, after all? 
2nd iMdy (evidently feeling herself of some importance). No. But 

when DOCTOR GIBSON came he said 

[Relates what DOCTOR GIBSON said. This recital is earned on at 
intervals through the Opera. 

Enter Very Near-sighted Man. He stumbles against comer of 

third row of Stalls. 

year-sighted Man (confusedly, to nobody in particular). Beg pardon. 
MM to feel for his eye-glasses f which he has evidently left 
behind him. Vexation of Near-sighted Man. Tries another row, 
and inspects corner stall to find his number discovers some one 
in corner-stall, apologises, asks for his number. 

Swell (in corner-stall, annoyed) Number-aw 'pon my soul, I there 
it is at the back. 

[Leans a little forward so as to let Near-sighted Man read it on the 

bark of the stall. 

Near-sighted Max (politely). Thank you. ( Wonders where the deuce 
the number is, but not liking to inconvenience Swell any further, appears 
satisfied.) Thank you, yes much obliged. [Retires, puzzled. 

! (to Friend) Wants to take my number, like a cabman. 
[Says this audibly ; thinks it doosed witty, and intends to repeat it 
at different dinner-parties, with a preface of " What I said to a 
fellar, who," fyc. 

His friend (an amateur musician). Yes: here's the tenor song. 

(Tenor tings. Friend shrugs hu shoulders, and intimates by expressive 

pantomime that he is suffering tortures, then says audibly.) Oh, dreadful ! 

[Dratcs in his breath and compresses hi* lips, as if preparing himself 

to bear the worst heroically. 

Nephew (to Uncle). What 's be singing about ? 
Uncle (to Nephew). You 've (?ot it in your book. 
[Nephew collapses. Near-sighted Man having hit upon the happy 
expedient of getting the Stall-keeper to see him to his seat, it now 
installed, and is attempting to follow the Opera from a book, 
which he hat brought with him from home. He keeps hit eyes 
close to the page, and rubs every line with his nose. 
Near-sighted Man (to himself). Wonder where they've got now? 
(Turns over twoptges, and tries to catch up the Tenor in the middle of his 

song.) No it 's (Looks off his book, and tries to see what is going on 

on the stage. To his eye the Tenor looks like a blurred photograph) 
EhP Ah! Ii there anybody else on the stage? (Motet his heail 
about from one ride to the other, scrutinising the ttage.) No. (Is satis, 
fied.) It's a solo. (Looks for a solo song in hit book. By the tinr hr 
hat fixed thu.fther tongs hate tome on, a quartette has been sunp, and 
then we have SAKTLEY at Papageao, making the luggers dance with hit 

Near-tighted Mm (insptetiisp the book closely, and referring to the 

stage.) I can't make it out at at 1 . It's ah (Thinks he's got tome 

clue to it now.) 

Habitue (for the information of people generally, speaking in a loud 
voice to his fritnd.) 1 remember this- ar-Operar some twenty years 
ago it WM a wonderful oast MARIO, Gam, ROSCONI. HERB 

Fried (who ka wmted Ut opportunity to eat in and fitleftu objec- 
tionable instruction.) And LOUISA PYKE, who iang the Queen of 
Night." I know. 

Habitue (taken aback. M ttill with a reserve fare*). Yes, when 

Friend (coming in .juickly with a finither). Whem Ainu ZiKK was ill, 
and couldn't plav it. [Habitue w shut up. 

Near-sighted Man (aramutn the book closely and Inns over tkne pages 
rapidly to himself). Dear me ! can't make it out Bass solo P (Looks 
at the ttage.) No, there are five or six people on. 

[Goes three pages back again, and wishes to goodness he had* t left 

his glasses behind. 

Lady to Vague Gentleman. What is the story of this ? 
Vague Otntleman. Well, it's not easy to follow. You see, there s a 

princess and a black man, who he is in love witk her and the 

lady. But what does MURSKA play ? 

Vague Gentleman. MTTHSKA ? She is the fairy the Queen of A ight 
who she rescues them somehow ; and they put through fire and 
water. And and it ' a stupid story. 

Well-informed Person (to Funny Friend). They call this the Italian 
Opera and we 've an Englishman, an Italian, a German, and a role. 

Funny Friend. A Pole! Most of 'em sticks. (Laughi and looks 
round to tee if the joke hat tickled anybody else. Disappointed in I Ait, he 
becomes serious.) But who 's the Pole P 

Well-informed friend. MURSKA. (Suddenly distrusts himself.) Or a 
Swede (Distruttt himself again.) Though now I think of it, I rather 
fancy she 's a Russian. (Betumt to hit original proposition.) But at 
all events she's not an Italian. 

[Drops the subject and uses hu lorgnette. 

Near-sighted Man (to himself: utterly staggered by what he CAS make 
out from the book and the stage). They don't seem to be playing it at all 
like what it is here. This is the Second Act, and I can t 

[Refers to Irritable Gentleman sitting next htm. 
Irritable Gentleman (who has been much annoyed during the opera by 
New-sighted Man's jerky and fidgety mamur of talking to himself and 
turning over Ike pages). Ye, Sir ; they 're quite right. Opera played as 

^Near-sighted Man. Well, but it's the Second Act and they ought to 

te doing- [Shows him hu book. 

Irritable Gentleman, (glancing at it sharply). The opera is // Flaulo 

Near-tighted Man. Yes, I know, and 

Irritable Gentleman (wishing they wouldn't admit such people to the 
Opera who WILL interrupt). And yours is the book of Lucia di Lammer- 
Near-sighted Man (referring to title). Bless me, so it is! 

[Puts He took in Ait pocket. Commences looking for hit coat and hat. 
Irritable Gentleman "confounds" him, sotto vote.) 

[End of Opera. Exeunt Omnet. 

An Omission. 

IN the notices of the new and splendid Market built by MR. DAE- 
BISIIIRE for Miss COUTTS, no mention is made of one sort of decoration 
which might have been expected to have found a conspicuous place 
there Marquetry. 


DON'T let the lawyers be afraid of placable times, even though MR. 
LOWE'S Law Court plan should be carried. There will surely be storms 
enough when Mother Carey's Chickens are seen on the Thames. 



[MAT 8, 1869. 


Intelligent Foreigner. " Om, C'EST BIEN LA POSTS ! MAIS, C'EST 



CAN anybody tell us why the buns at the Zoological Gardens seem 
all of them expressly constructed for the beasts? There are bears 
among the visitors and bores too, we dare say, not to mention that 
wild donkeys upon fashionable afternoons are pretty frequently seen 
herding there. For such animals as these the buns and other eatables 
provided may be good enough ; but when any nobler creature of the 
genus homo hungers there, he finds it difficult to feed on such inferior 
food. A walk about the jgardens is an appetising exercise, and after 
seeing the birds fed, one often feels inclined to peck a bit oneself. But 
to stuff oneself with stale buns is an insult to one's dinner, and till 
something better be provided there for luncheon, folks who have fine 
appetites should be careful to destroy them before leaving their own 
homes. ^_ 

No Stake in the Country. 

THE BISHOP or LONDON has effectually put a stop to the proceedings 
instituted by MB, SHEPHERD against the Romanesque Vicar of Frome. 
On the other hand there is no bringing COLENSO to book, so much as 
to determine whether he is right or wrong. Never mind in toleration 
we excel all Christendom. Other Churches, in union with the secular 
power, have doomed heretics to fire and faggot. Our Establishment 
cannot even call them over the coals. 


Miss ANGELA BURDETT COUTTS, the Lady of the Poor, has given 
Bethnal Green a Market costing, it is said, 200,000. This is the best 
Money Market we ever heard of. 



THE Illustrated News recently contained a leading article in which 
the writer commented with severity on the alleged language of ARCH- 
BISHOP MANNING to a Fenian deputation. DR. MANNING replied, 
through his solicitors, denying the accuracy of portions of the report 
on which the censure had been based. He also favoured the News 
with his opinion that in misrepresenting the Archbishop it did not 
promote loyalty on the part of that large proportion of the population 
that look to him for advice. But the Illustrated News, remembering, we 
suppose, that a much larger proportion of the population look to it for 
advice, rejoined by withdrawing any remark based upon an imperfect 
report, and then retaliated thus : 

" There are two kinds of imperfection. We have dealt with one. The other 
we regret that the Archbishop does not enable us to deal with as agreeably. 
Minor details are corrected, but nothing is said in answer to the general 
purport of our article, which went to show that the Archbishop separated 
political from other offences, expressed a sympathy for convicted felons, and 
spoke of them pityingly, as ' poor men,' not as bad subjects and condemned 
criminals. In return for counsel, which we receive in a perfectly friendly 
spirit, we would suggest that the loyalty of that class advised by the Arch- 
bishop might be largely stimulated if those who rule in the Catholic Church 
would remember that something is due to the great 'British nation, and that 
the work of conciliation, at which English statesmen are honestly labouring, 
would be rendered easier by a few loyal, manly, and patriotic utterances on 
the part of the Catholic hierarchy." 

Very sensible, and none the less effective for being very polite. But 
eui bono ? Dares the Catholic hierarchy speak out in the way desired ? 
What would CARDINAL CULLEN say, eit.her from himself or from 
41 54' N., 12 27' E. ? In old days Christian bishops helped Govern- 
ments to suppress crime. If the districts in Ireland, red with assas- 
sination, were deprived by the Catholic spiritual authorities of religious 
rites until the murderers were in gaol, we should hear no more of 
" agrarian outrages." The assassins in the late cases are, of course, 
supping whiskey in the cottages of an Affectionate People. In England 
or Scotland they would have been hunted down and delivered over to 
the law. for in England and Scotland religion means, among other 
things, hatred of murderers. 


W. RUSSELL has been convoying the PRINCE and PRINCESS OF 
WALES over the scene of his old experiences in the Crimea. 

Captain Pen, who did such gallant service for Captain Sword all 
through that mighty siege, has drawn his weapon again, for war against 
a new and formidable enemy the apathy that surrenders the monu- 
ments of the gallant dead to the wasting hands of time and the 

It seems that our cemeteries on the plateau which for so many 
months was the home of so much valour and so much suffering, are 
falling rapidly to decay. We paid 13,000 for having them walled in 
and put in order ; but we had nobody to see how the money was spent, 
and it seems to have been absorbed, as a good deal more money of 
English tax-payers has been swallowed up in the same region, without 
serving the purpose it was paid for ; and so, in those seventy grave- 
yards which dot the wild slopes of the Crimean plateau with their 
white mementos of courage quelled and endurance over-borne, the 
stones are decaying, the weeds are springing. The star in stone is 
chipped off one monument, the honoured names are illegible on others. 
Everywhere there is decay and desolation, where England believes and 
wishes there should be decency and order, and everything which in 
graves of the dead should testify to the love and reverence of the living. 

The note of pain and protest over this dishonour of the resting-places 
of our fallen soldiers, comes well from WILLIAM RUSSELL, the most 
generous and vivid chronicler of the deeds of those heroes while they 
fived. Let England blush, and let MR. CARDWELL look to it. 


Suggestion for a Hunting Picturt. 

REPRESENT that obstacle peculiar to some counties called a Double. 

Represent a horse stopping abruptly on one side of the double, while 
his rider has gone over his head on to the other. This picture should 
be painted by MR. DYCE, and be called in the Catalogue 

No. A. 1. A THROW. " Double and Quits." 

Hymeneals in the House of Commons. 
IF women ever succeed in acquiring political equality, they will be 
eligible for seats in Parliament. The consequence of their election as 
representatives of the people will be, that Honourable Members on the 
same side of the House will, more often, perhaps, than on opposite sides, 
have recourse to the arrangement of pairing off. 

MAT 8, 18C9.] 





SEVEN persons of fashionable exterior, who 
gave the names of ALGERNON UEUCEACE, 
two latter of quite boyish appearance) were 
brought up at Bow Street charged with esta- 
blishing and conducting sporting lotteries under 
MC of the " Derbv Sweep," the "Two 
IK! (iuinea Sweep, and similar titles. 
.Mil. POLAND, who appeared for the prose- 
cution, pat in various articles seized by the 
police, including receipts for money paid to 
the different defendants, and lists of the various 
sweeps, which it was proved hud been exhibited 
at various clubs, mess-rooms, colleges, and even 
in the rooms of some of the upper-form boys at 
Eton and Harrow. 

HORACE PiGE9N, a young man of distin- 
guished but dissipated appearance, who was 
brought up from Whitecross Street, said, I am ; 
a young man of good family, I fancy, and of 
what is called a sporting turn, I suppose. I have expectations : 
nothing else that I know of. Of course, I have debts. On the iir-t 
of April I was a member of the Mausoleum Club. I suppose it is what i 
would be called a fashionable club. Should say decidedly it is frequented 
by gentlemen rather. How could a snob get in, with a committee- ' 
ballot? It is in St. James's Street. I saw one of the lists produced, 
exhibited over the smoking-room lire-place at the Mausoleum. I went 
in for a chance. I paid a sovereign for it. Can't say where I got 
the sovereign the Jews, I suppose. I have gone in on four of the 
lists produced, and paid my tips tor them. I paid the money at the 
Mausoleum to FITCH. I believe he is butler at the Mausoleum Club. 
I paid it, in two other cases, to DEVCEACK and PUHTER, They 
managed the Sweeps at the Isthmian in Piccadilly, and the Grosvenor 
in Pall Mall. They are Clubs, too. I belonged to all three, and two 
besides. I paid two sovereigns for my chance at the Isthmian, and 
five at the Grosvenor. That was the highest sum I paid. I got 
receipts for the money I paid, of course. 

Cross-examined by SERJEANT WINKING for the defendant!. Ilad no 
doubt the thing was all fair. Expected to collar the lot, if he drew 
the first horse ; and half, if he drew the second. Had heard of fellows 
winning as much as 300 and 500 at the Mausoleum and the Gros- 
venor. Had no doubt the thing had been going on for many years 
past. As long as he had been about town, in fact. Is down on his 
tuck now. Had dropped all he had, or is ever likely to have, and a 
good deal more, he should say, on the turf. Might have laid he had 
been " rooked : " might have said he would like to pay off DEUCBACK ' 
and PUNTEE. His friends have always been preaching to him it was 
his duty to pay everybody off he owed anything to. Owed DSUCEACK 
and PUNTER a " turn." The Serjeant knew what that meant as well ; 
as he (witness) did. 

Similar evidence was given in the case of the other defendants. The ' 
evidence againstl FLATHERS and Du BOOTS, the one an Eton the other 
a Harrow Loy, was extracted with difficulty from two of their fellow 
schoolboys of twelve and fourteen, whose smart appearance, knowing 
mode of giving their testimony, and coolness under the cross-examina- 
tion of the learned Serjeant, created much amusement in Court. 

SIR THOMAS HENRY said it was very deplorable to see persons in the 
position of the defendants engaged in breaking the law. It was par- j 
ticularly melancholy to see mere lads, like FLATHBKS and DE Boors, 
showing such a familiarity with the worst features of the turf, and not 
only concerned in these criminal practices themselves, but tempting 
their younger schoolfellows to join in violation of the law of the land. 
He could not overlook such a flagrant infringement of the law on the 
part of persons who ought to have set an example to those of humbler i 
station. He had lately committed six men, of a lower class it was true, | 
for the same offence. They, also, seemed to have conducted their j 
" Lucky Ba$ " and " Deptford Spec," as they called their " Sweeps," 
fairly and with good faith to their subscribers. The law could not 
recognise any distinction of classes. As he had felt it his duty to 
commit LEICHMAN, FARRAU, and their agents and associates in the 
"Lucky Bag "and "Deptford Spec" lotteries, he should feel it his 
duty to commit the defendants for establishing and conducting the 
Mausoleum. Isthmian, Grosvenor, and other " sweeps," including the 
Eton and Harrow ones. They might be tried at the same sessions of 
the Central Criminal Court as LEICHMAN, FABRAH, and the Deptford 
offenders. Indeed, he saw no reason why both batches of prisoners 
should not be included in the same indictment. 

The prisoners were committed for trial, bail being taken in very 
large amounts. The Court was crowded with a distinguished and 

fashionable audience, who on several occasions manifested their sym- 
pathy with the prisoners so loudly that the Magistrate threatened he 
would have the Court cleared. There was quite a rush to tender bail^ 
and the bail a famous sporting Marquis and his "confederate 1 
and stable-adviser, a gallant Captain, all equally well known at " the 
Corner," and wherever else sporting swells do congregate having been 
accepted, the prisoners left Bow Street in their carriages, amid the 
cheers of the crowd assembled, as usual, to greet the departure of the 

(A Central Gas Shareholder' a Lament.) 

OH, BENJAMIN HIGGS, thou most arlful of prigs '. 

Our books, howsoever we twist "em, 
Show us short sev'nty thousand, along of thy rigs, 

And in spite of the perfectest "system ! " 
We had pass-books and checks, 'cutest rogues to perplex, 

Payments daily, boards weekly, yet still 
Here's a book-keeper shifty, at a hundred and fifty, 

With his hand in the " Central Gas" till! 

He was ne'er sick or surly, left, late and came early, 

So diligent nought could o'er-task him ; 
His own toil ne'er would shirk, would do any man's work 

Pay in cash draw it out onlv ask him ! 
The Central Gas Office at ? none but took off his hat 

To that model of book-keepers, HIGGS ; 
And Directors up-atairs, thanked Hcavea in. their prayers, 

For such a protection Irom prigs ! 

How little they thought, as the daily 'bus brought 

That modest and ill-paid young man 
To his desk and his stool, each employe" was his tool, 

And that "tapping our main" was his plan ; 
That at High-" Tide-end Place " he was going the pace, 

Lighting up quite a Central Gas flare, 
That the clerk in the City, whom all used to pity, 

Was the Teddington milliounaire ! 

What 's the good of Directors, Accountants, Inspector! ? 

"Gainst burglary what use to keep dogs ? 
If you 're plundered by those you most trust as protectors, 

And find those are wolves, you thought sheep-dogs ? 
If your great Millionnaires with their preaching and prayers 

Had not first practised " cooking accounts," 
And so long 'scaped uncensured, would HIGGSES have ventured 

On their smaller, yet swingeing, amounts ? 



APFBAPO of the debate about a man's marrying his wife's 
Sister, I tee as how a uooaepapcr remarks that MB. BRIGHT 

" With a grand quod amper, quid ubiqur, quad ai> omnibm sentiment, in- 
forms us that the Quaken hare always admitted the legality and propriety of 
such marriages." 

My atention was attracted to this ere by seeing the word ornnHia. 
which I've druv one of them wehicles for uppuds of 10 year, and I 
takes a natral interest in most anything consarnmg 'em. Sir, 1 don't 
see what a omnibus have to do with marrying your wife's sister, nor 
have it I consider much in common with the Quakers, leastways its 
precious seldom as a broad grin, I mean to say a broad brim, ever gets 
outside one. But I 'm puzzled how a Quaker or any other man can 
have " admitted the legality " of what is now, and allways have been, 
cpntrairy to the law, which hoping MB. BRIGHT will explain this here 
discruppency, I remain, your moit obedient, THOMAS BLUMT. 

A Scratch with a Saw. 

Artist. Why is Hanging at the lioyal Academy Exhibition like 
kissing ? 

Academician. I 'm sure I don't know. 
Artiti. Because Hanging goes by favour. 

Hardly Likely. 

SPEAKING of a Debate in the House,, one of the papers said that, 
" MR. GREENK and LORD ELCUO stood up for the preserving interests." 
On hearing this, Mrs. Malaprop wished to know whether that MR. 
LOWE was going to tax her jams. 

FREE TRANSLATION. Sotto voce. In a drunken voice. 



[MAT 8, 1869. 








The End. 


Printed by Jowph Smith, of So. 21. Hertford Square. In the Parish of St. James. Cterkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, E vain, * Oo.. Lombard 
Street, ID the Precinct of WhJtefrian, ID the City of Lu a don, and Publi&bed L>y Mm at N W, Fleet Htreet, in the Parish of &t. Bride, City of Lodon. Si.TWRD\T Mir S, W39. 

M\v 15, 1869.] 




You will certainly 
have your money's 
worth if you go to 
and SIT 

which all who are 
glad to have the op- 
portunity of again 
enjoying a play by 
one of our Old 
Masters in Comedy, 
commonly known 
as BULWKR, must 
heartily wish it may 
pay the new Lessee, 
MR. lUauY S r i.u - 
VAN, to have repro- 
duced, In Money, 
as it may now be 

seen on the Holborn boards, there is good acting,' sterling good acting, and the 
attention given to it by the House proves that the taste for excellent 
English fare, when well served up, is not yet spoilt by indulgence in tkoM more 
highly seasoned relishes in whicn the flavours and spices of r rench cookery are 
sometimes rather too predominant. The intervals between the ac; 
short, and the piece is handsomely placed upon the stage. So in your theatrical 
programme do not omit to include a Moneu-ooi.. 

You want to see a good Burlesque, and are balancing the pros and coin as to 
where you should go ? Do not hesitate. Go and enjoy the new and laughable 
prate Burlesque of The Military Billy Taylor (first Cousin to Black-Eytd Suta) at 
the Royalty. You will find it anything but prosy ; and must be prepared to come 
back with a splitting side-ache. 

(Autkorited feriion.) 

Jt ST before the Battle, Mother, 

JUUNNY felt unwell ; 
\Vliii was ailing JOHNNY, Mother, 

.luii.NNi couldn't tell. 
JOHNNY runaway, Mother, 

Braving captain's ire, 
JOHNNY can't abide, Mother, 

I [raring cannons lire. 

JOHNNY came to me, Mother, 

Wasn't JOHNNY right? 
Tea with me was nicer, Mother, 

Than a horrid fight. 
Let me marry JOHNNY, Mother, 

1 we '11 bless the day, 
When just before the Battle, Mother, 

JOHNNY ran away. 

Most Refrigerating. 

Is the Royal Academy (the new " Palace of Art ") there 
is a grand landscape by M it. MAC WHIKTER, entitled "Loch 
Coruisk, Isle of Skye." In the hot summer with which 
the weather-seers again threaten us, his will be a moat 
refreshing picture to stand before, seeing that it not onlv 
its the Loch, but also the Cuchulin (Coolin) 


L'llmme qui rit is addressed to L'Homme gut readt. 


GUKAT and little Britons arc continually grumbling that theirs is the 
most expensive Army in the world, but they rarely take the trouble of 
inquiring why it is so. and in what manner the cost may be most 
sensibly reduced. Soldiers, as a rule, are seldom fond of writing 
letters ; yet, according to the Times, it seems that Army correspondence 
is one of the chief ways in which we are most wasteful of our military 
means : 

'' Military correspondence is absurdly large, and employs an army of clerks. 
The whole system breaks down inevitably during a campaign. Can any one 
give a valid reason for paying troops nominally a certain sum daily, and then 
stopping a regular portion of the money for food and necessaries r There is 
none, unleis it be that no other means could be devised for employing so many 
clerks. Why not say at once that the soldier is fed, clothed, and paid 6rf. or 
Oil. a -day besides, as the case may be ? About two- thirds of the paper work 
would be saved by such an arrangement." 

Powder, shot, and pipeclay are considerable items in the outlay of 
our Army, but these are probably exceeded by paper, pens, and ink. 
Captain Sword requires such service from Lieutenant Pen as enhances 
very greatly the cost of Private Crossbelt. Even in time of peace an 
army of clerks is always kept on active service, and a paper war is 
being continually waged. Moreover, says the Timet, 

" Many of the clerks in the War Office and other Government departments 
are examined competitively, paid highly, and then set to add up rows of figures 
and copy letters, work which would bo better and far more cheerfully per- 
formed by non-commissioned officers at about one-fourth the cost, very often 
indeed by copying machines." 

If this be so, competitive examinations for military clerkships should 
be limited, for candidates, to mere copying machines. Why should 
educated gentlemen be invited to compete, when the work is quite 
mechanical, and requires no mental skill P A clerk who has to copy 
letters, and to add up rows of figures, need hardly be proficient in 
Greek, Hebrew, trigonometry, dynamics, and High Dutch. Such 
acquirements are both difficult ana costly to attain, and ought not to 
be wasted in a service where, it seems, they serve no useful end, and 
only put the country to considerable expense. 


SPECIFYING the various " Fashions for May," Le Follet announces 
that " Paniers are still very much worn." Are they ? Then perhaps 
the Parisian world of fashion, impelled by an instinct of self-apprecia- 
tion, has taken to going on all-fours. If their much-worn pauiers are 
carried on their backs, perhaps the creatures may be considered to be 
appropriately laden. But, according to recent intelligence from Paris, 
there is a league of ladies in course of formation, under the title of 
Rtactioiutaire* elegantes, against the asinine absurdities of attire with 
which they have hitherto submitted to be burdened by dictatorial 

Lt Follet also notices a costume of shot foulard, but says nothing of 
shot sea-gull serving for fanchon. It does, however, particularise a 
bird's-nest " formed of heath, moss, leaves, and miniature wild flowers, 
such as blue-bells, daisies, forget-me-nots, and lilies of the valley, in the 
midst of which is placed a very small humming-bird, as if in the act of 
flying from the nest." The contempt for physical geography exhibited 
in this combination of the botany of Northern Europe with tropical 
ornithology, is to use the milliners' own epithet, charming. 

Not only are ornithology aud botany, hut entomology likewise is 
tributary to " Fashions for May." /> Follet describes a head-dress, 
named thu " Diadume Marquise, which has 

" At the side a bouquet of white daisies surmounted by a small gold butter- 

The somewhat whimsical decoration of a butterfly in the diadem is 
one which, if bonnets were still in vogue, might be replaced by the still 
more significant emblem of " a bee in the bonnet." 

A Pious Memory in Paris. 

Ox the fifth of last week, according to intelligence from Paris : 
" This day being the anniversary of the death of NAPOLBON TUB FIRST, 

religious services were celebrated in the chapel of the Tuileries and at the 

llutel dea Invalides." 

Is there no Mosque in Paris ? For aught that seems to be known, 
the only persuasion which the Great Philanthropist and Truthteller 
ever professed was the Mahometan. 


Tardy Irish. Tories. 

IT is announced that a meeting of Conservative Irish Peers and 
Members of Parliament, headed by COLOSKI TAYLOR, VISCOUKT 
is to be held at the Carlton Club on Saturday next, at 4 P.M., to con- 
sider the propriety of immediately forming " and bringing into working 
order" a Conservative Registration Association for Ireland. Will not 
this be very nearly like taking steps to shut the stable-door after the 
steed has been disinstalled P 

Extraordinary Feats. 

IN Belgravia, not long since, a builder succeeded in running up a 
house, and this feat was succeeded by his running up a dozen 9thers. 
Having found his rents, however, rather difficult to get, he now is very 
active in running down his tenants. 



[MAY 15, 1869. 



Country Valetudinarian. "An YES, Mr/'u, I'VE HAD THE 'LUMBAGBR' TTTR- 


IT used to be commonly said that the French invent ideas, and we improve 
upon them. The converse of this rule will probably be soon exemplified in at 
least one particular. Monsieur has imported from England the fashion of exhibiting 
cattle and other animals. The large Exhibition Building of the Champs Elysejes 
has lately, after the manner of the Islington Agricultural Hall, been occupied with 
a horse show. This exhibition was organised by the " Hippie Society." The 
Hippie idea will probably expand into the Hippophagic. Larger prices are 
now given for horses in J?aris than in London. The comparative dearness of 
horseflesh in the former capital is doubtless owing to its greater consumption. Its 
admirers may expect in a short time to be presented with the spectacle of a Fat 
Horse Show. This, modified as to season by difference of national usage, and 
with the further difference of subsequence instead of antecedence, will most likely 
stand in the same relation to the Carnival, as that which our Smithfield Club display 
bears to Christmas ; and who knows but that the Parisians on Shrove Tuesday 
next may feast their eyes on the procession of a Cheval Gras ? 

NOTE. Hippie ! it is good ; yea, indeed it is good phrases are surely, and 
ever were, very commendable. Hippie ! it comes of Tiriroj, very good a good 
phrase, is it not. Master Shallow ? Hippie ! a neat substitute for "horsey ; " you 
may call a stable-minded character, gentleman or cad, as the case may be, a 
Chippie man," and for "talking horse," say "hippie conversation." Of a truth 
" hippie " is well calculated to become a popular euphemism. The horse has no 
loet yet to speak of; had once a sporting "Vates," but never a votes sacer. 
.ENNYSON or BROWNING write a Hippie Poem ? 

poet ye 

Well Protected, 

In the account of PRINCE ARTHUR'S reception in the Isle of Man (and lovely 
Woman), an address presented to him is mentioned as that of " the Lieutenant 
Governor, Council, Deemsters, and Keys, being the Legislature of this Island." 
Her Majesty's Manx subjects must feel particularly secure at the present time, 
for remembering who their gallant Governor is, they may be said to be under 
LOCH and Keys. But how can " Keys " join in an address and legislate ? This 
beats Gold and Silver Sticks in Waiting. 



DRINK to me only in thine ink, 

Pledge me in legal draught ; 
Urge me to action with thy wink, 

Aid me with subtle craft. 

Wreath codicils around thy brow, 

Burn bonfires to COKE ; 
B-ecord in writing each fond vow, 

Thy true love ever spoke. 

Let me'thy Dom-bec be ! 'Thy Act 

And Deed I '11 sign and seal ; 
Accessories before the fact 

Shall at our wedding kneel. 

Yes ! 'twas the mystic hour^wejmct, 

It was 'twixt 10 and 4 : 
Be mine, my own Processus Stet ! 

Be mine for evermore ! 

Ah ! was thy conduct Cadgery P 

You signed no contract, true. 
For Scribere est agere, 

Which maxim well you knew. 

You did propose (you Balaam !) 

You sent a friend to me, 
Quifacit, Sir, per alium 

Facit, you know, per se. 

Facit, indeed ! you '11 face it out 

That you did no such thing ; 
Don't you remember port and stout, 

And promising the ring ? 

Qui peccat ebrius, as you 've said 

Often to me while gay, 
He Sobrius luat this poor maid 

Will take your heart as pay. 

It was a Simple Contract plain 

It was upon each part 
A Habeas Corpus 1 ']} obtain. 

Then cry, <! I '11 have your heart ! " 

Second Part New Movement. 

What ! am I wild ! are you still free ! 

Will I crouch, fawn, or beg ? No ! 
Mandamus! quid pro quo ! In re! 

Ha, ha ! ne exeat regno ! 

You 've called me Prochein amy ! Fie ! 

In accents hot and fiery ; 
Where 's now your fer i facias ? I 

Shall get &pr<smunire. 

" Wed you ! don't suppose it, Ma'am," 

(He used to say CECILIA !) 
" Wed you, the Lex nan cogit, Ma'am, 

Ad, Ma'am, impossibilia." 

He has kfemme and infants three, 

I saw them out last Sunday. 
So back 1 '11 go and married be 

To some one else on Monday. 


AT the Royal Academy Dinner the DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE, 
referring to the Army, is reported to have spoken of " the 
leading features on which it is founded. Will some 
physiologist explain what these " leading features " can 
possibly be ? If His Royal Highness had said " leading 
limbs, we might have supposed he meant the arms of the 

WHAT AN M.A. THOUGHT. Many ladies visit the Exhi- 
bition at Burlington House elaborately dressed. In Univer- 
sity parlance, they may be said to go " in full Academicals." 

MAY 15, 18C9.] 







MONDAY, May 3. Want of dinner prevented Mr. Punch from men- 
tioning last week an odd little episode in the Irish Debate on Friday. 
There was not much in it, but Parliamentary anecdotes are scarce, 
and a good deal was, later, made out of the affair. LORD CLAUD 
HAMILTON (brother to the DUKE OF ABBRCORN, late Lord-Lieutenant) 
made a vehement attack upon the PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF 
TRADE, charging him with having greatly contributed to Irish discon- 
tent and disaffection. Inter alia, Loiu> CLAUD quoted a letter of MR, 
BRIGHT'S, written three years ago, in which he said that "if Ireland 
were a thousand miles away, justice would be done, or the landlords 
would be exterminated by the vengeance of the people." 

Mil. BRIGHT responded at considerable length, denied no charge, 
said that there would be no pence in Ireland until the soil was much 
more largely in the hands of the people, and added that he had a plan 
to propose for effecting this without injustice to anybody. [And, Gen- 
tlemen Landowners, it is only fair to MR. BRIGHT to recognise the fact 
that he declares his interpretation of the word "injustice" to be the 
same as yours, so you are not to suppose him a reformer of the type of 
the French revolutionist, who, when a man had proved that his ances- 
tors had possessed his estate for two hundred years, gave it to his rival 
on the score of justice the other side had had it long enough.] 

Demanded MR. HARDY whether MB. BRIGHT were authorised to 
announce the policy of Government in regard to land. 

Somebody on the Treasury Bench answered " No." 

It was assumed that the speaker was the PREMIER, but the Star was 
authorised to deny this. The mystery has been well kept. We divulge 
it. The speaker was 

Mr. Punch. 

And what he meant was, not that MR. BRIGHT is not in accord with 
the chiefs of his party, but that nobody was authorised, at that time, 
to announce anything. 

So much for that matter. On Monday the Commons behaved like a 
pack of great schoolboys. The PREMIER proposed rather short Whit- 
suntide holidays. Whereat, say the reporters, half the House groaned, 

and the other half howled. It would have served the idle fellows right 
had the Head-Master at